Ça n'arrive qu'à moi (1985) - full transcript

FOR LAURENCE…

I've never had any luck.

My name is Snag.

Frank Snag.

Can you imagine?

Not to mention my middle name.

MATERNITY WARD

I arrived during a baby boom.

I had to wait in
line just to get born.

My father was blind
but my mother could see.

So it averaged out.



But the best part is,

I was born on February the 29th.

So I have a birthday
every four years.

To make me feel better,
my mother would tell my fortune.

So?

What I loved most of all

was bunking off school.

Just as well, really,
because I loved going to the movies.

It passes the time.

See what I mean?

THE MAN WHO LOVED WOMEN

THE TRUTH

I began a career in journalism,

with a short spell
as a weather forecaster.



But my predictions turned out to be
a little unreliable.

After that dry run,

I found myself on
the racing pages.

But my forecasts
weren't any more accurate.

Eeny meeny miney moe,
catch a tiger by the toe…

PRUDENCE SET FOR
FORMULA 1 GRAND PRIX

PRUDENCE GUILLEDOU:
"I ONLY HAVE ONE AMBITION LEFT…"

When I got out of hospital,

I was looking forward to
a warm welcome back home.

Constance!

That's when I decided

to end to my pathetic life.

CHRISTMAS

The paper demoted me
to the dead pets section.

That evening,
I was assigned a stupid story,

"Christmas at
the police station".

- Evening, sir. Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas.
- Same to you, boss.

You're out of luck.
We don't have any customers in tonight.

Say, will you put my
name in the article?

So you're locking me up?

Fine. I can guarantee
that you're going to regret it.

What's going on?

She jumped a red light.

- Okay, fine.
- Boss.

First, I want to make a call.
To the Police Commissioner.

Listen, Sergeant,
I have an idea…

Are you listening to me?

The Inspector will
question you now.

My father is Lucien Guilledou,
if that's what you want to know.

Take a seat.

Name?

Guilledou, I just told you.

GUI-LLE-DOU.

The newspaper boss?

First name?

Prudence.

Prudence is the
mother of safety.

Sorry?

No, nothing.

Single? Married? One kid or two?

Divorced.

AVAILABLE

There we are.

May I…?

Thank you.

Put her back in the cell.

No, listen, I'm tired.

I won't spend the night
in this shitty cell.

At least you got a story
for your newspaper.

What? For your newspaper?

So you're a scumbag jour­nalist?

You moron!

If you publish this in your rag,
you'll pay for it.

"Guilledou girl
spends night in jail."

That's at least three columns
in the society pages.

Because some newspapers
are still free to publish the truth.

Miss Guilledou…

of the Guilledou group. Right?

You think you're untouchable.

But you're spending Christmas
in the clink.

The sergeant will
bring you oysters!

Merry Christmas!

GUILLEDOU GIRL
SPENDS A NIGHT IN JAIL.

THE TRUTH

GUILLEDOU GROUP TAKES
CONTROL OF THE TRUTH

That's just like me.

Christmas at the cop shop

and now New Year at the circus.

Reprisals are about to begin.

Do you like my crocodile bag?

That's funny…

- Come on, open up.
- Okay!

What are you
doing? Are you nuts?

So, Inspector, you're
not so clever now.

Please… Don't eat me!

Don't get excited.
Big cats don't like sudden movements.

You're a good girl,
with lovely big teeth.

Isn't that right?

Good girl!

See? She's not
as mean as all that.

If you're having such a good time,
you can stay there.

Happy new year!

Help!

She must have felt guilty.

On the invitation
to the Guilledou family's party,

there was a handwritten note:

"I'll be expecting
you, Prudence."

That's what decided me.

Good evening, Miss.

How nice!

My pleasure.

My name's Frank Snag.

- I'm sure you know everyone.
- Yes.

Of course, I didn't know anyone.

But of course I did!

So good to see them again!

I hadn't set eyes on them
since biology class.

I should scold you.
We only feed them once a day.

If someone annoys my fish,

they launch a crisis
control procedure.

It's nothing, don't worry!

Yes… Some people
like fine oil paintings,

others collect old clocks.

I'm crazy about
pinball machines.

- Hello, Mr Guilledou.
- Look at all these flashing lights.

And the sound of the ball.

Sounds like Mozart.
Enchanting, isn't it?

Shall we have a
game before dinner?

Yes.

The Devil's Dare…

I see that you're a connoisseur.

I'm no expert, you know.

Allow me.

It's all to do with the fingers.

Rematch.

Prudence, take my place.

- I don't think I made a good impression.
- Of course you did!

Anyway, you're lucky.
You beat my father.

Lucky?

That's a good joke. Me, lucky!

Five minutes ago,
I upset the guests.

Lucky? I mean… No.

When you came in,
the pinball started to sizzle.

You're my guardian angel.

I understand.

Now I understand why,
when you were there,

the tiger was as
tame as a kitten.

Remember?

I think you bring me luck.

From now on,

we stick together.

I don't believe in luck.

Well, if no one else
wants to cut the cake,

I'll do it.

He's an expert with dough!

No, not that one!

I never get the
lucky charm anyway.

The crown!

We nearly forgot the crown!

My tooth!

I just swallowed the charm!

No charm, no crown.

I am the king.

You're not in pain, I hope?

Well…

Prudence, take Mr
Snag to see Dubillard.

- My dentist.
- Call him and say we're on our way.

I couldn't feel anything.

The dentist gave me an injection
that was so effective,

even my bank account went numb.

It's dark.

It's cold.

It's late, but we
could walk for hours.

Isn't everything
beautiful at night?

There's no clashing colours,

the passers-by have gone home.

Everything's quiet.

You think I'm a
romantic, don't you?

You know, a few years ago,

I couldn't go out with a boy
without falling in love.

So, of course,
I was unhappy all the time.

It was my "Miss
Big Sad Eyes" period.

I imagine that if
I'd met you then,

I'd have taken your arm,

I'd have looked at you,

and you'd have kissed me.

I was silly, wasn't I?

Does it still hurt?

No. I can't feel a thing.

Well, if that's all you can say…

No, it's just…

Come back!

Look out!

What are you doing?

I'm sorry, I thought…

With you, I
thought nothing could go wrong.

Not for you, for me.

I mean, I don't know.

We need to experiment more.

Can I take you home?

I think it's going to snow.

You're scared of everything.

You know what I think?

I think you want to
go to bed with me.

But me,

I don't want to do that, at all.

It hasn't fallen onto deaf ears.

I'll call you tomorrow.

Naturally, she
didn't get in touch.

Months went by,

I had completely forgotten her.

Anyway, she wasn't my type.

No, her eyes, her
hair, her breasts…

Really, not my type at all.

Of course, every so often,

I'd find myself prowling around
Prudence's apartment.

But only because
I had nothing better to do.

You see, I
had to bump into her by accident.

Fail to recognise her.

That would teach her a lesson.

- Excuse me.
- Sorry.

Who's the idiot
holding up the lift?

Full up.

You heard, it's full up. Right?

Morning, Boss.

I pushed the express button.

Prudence, I mean, Miss Guilledou,
is she well?

You are…

- The tooth.
- Yes.

You're wearing a striped tie
with a checked suit.

It clashes. Remind
me what your name is.

Frank Snag. Remember?

Stop that! It's bad luck!

Don't you worry,
I've got plenty of that.

Have a good day's work, Snag.

Working for Guilledou
is work through and through.

It's not working.

Wait, Boss…

Allow me.

The lift is out of
order. Excuse me.

Stupid door!

Shit, my umbrella!

Who gives a damn
about your brolly?

Be my guest!

Help!

Help!

Is anyone there?

Hey! Open up!

What are they playing at?

You know, I
read in the paper the other day,

a guy was stuck like
this for three days.

Can you feel it?

We're using up the oxygen.

I'm scared, Snag.

When I'm scared, I get bloating,

and when I get bloating,
it restricts my heart.

And that makes me anxious.

What's happening?

We're going to die!

Do you have a
picture of Prudence?

- Yes. Why?
- Quickly!

There we are.

How did you do it?

I won't forget it.

I won't forget it.

Why are you sulking?

Coughing up winds me up,
it makes me mad.

- Of course. I was against it.
- You were against it…

Right now, they've got me.
I have no choice.

We'll see who
has the last laugh.

But if we let them
get away with it,

they'll turn into
a bottomless pit.

Bastards!

Like your endless
appetite for fine wines?

Don't push me, Prudence,
I'm on the edge!

I hired a bodyguard,
not an eavesdropper!

Okay, I'll be off.

You are going nowhere.

Are you trying to annoy me?

She's trying to annoy me.

You know what they said
about bringing the ransom.

Just me, on my own.

- Anyway, I have an idea.
- An idea!

My blood pressure's at 132.

When you upset me,
I get palpitations.

Do you love your
Daddy or don't you?

Will you let your little champ
do her rally?

Her rally!

So it's a deal?

You can rely on
me to identify them.

We have to find
out who they are.

But no muscle men, okay?

No, what we need
is someone who'll go unnoticed.

Someone with the golden touch.

Hello? Yes, speaking.

Mr Guilledou.

Yes, better than last time.

Not at all, please,
don't mention it.

Really? At this time of night?

No, it's not a problem.

I need to get dressed.
I'll be there in 20 minutes.

Ten minutes.

Frank Snag.

Sorry, I must have
made a mistake.

Mr Snag is here, sir.

Show him in.

This way.

Prudence. How lovely to see you.

Sorry, I've been
rather busy lately,

so I didn't call you back.

Good evening,
friend. Or good morning.

I'm not sure.

It's like an assault course
getting in here!

What's going on?

What's going on, Mr Snag,
is that a band of scumbags

have their eyes on my capital.

Let me explain.

It began with anonymous letters.

Such letters aren't exactly new,

my drawer is full of them.

Look.

"Swine",

"Old shitbag",

"Guilledou, go to
hell" … Surprised?

As you know, a man in my position
is bound to have enemies.

Not that I mind.

I'd rather be known and hated
than subordinate and despised.

High profile but alive.

Alive! Because
now, the gloves are off.

I'm being threatened.

Look.

IN THREE DAYS

You're right. It's in
questionable taste.

What do the police say?

The police? They're
under pressure.

But the other day, in the lift,

we had a narrow escape.

I made enquiries.
It was sabotage.

Front door here.
People begging for the blind.

Tell them to piss off!

The blind!

- I ask you!
- Well, yes.

You mentioned the police.
I prefer my team.

Effective, aren't they?

Where were we? The
gunshot or the booby-trapped parcel?

Yes.

If it was me, I
wouldn't give a damn.

I'd give them nothing.

But my daughter…!

Now, they're going
for my daughter.

She's being followed

and someone came
into her apart­ment.

- No!
- Yes.

If anyone even thinks of harming Prudence,
I won't put up with it!

I won't put up with it,

so I'll pay up for it.

Here's 500,000
dollars in used bills.

You don't see that every day.

No… But what can I…?

Listen, I trust you, Snag.

You saved my life.

I'll never forget that.

I want you to
escort my daughter.

- Isn't that so?
- You know what I think.

This ninny wanted to deliver the money
all on her own.

That's out of the question.

- It's not a very good idea.
- Thank you.

I'm counting on you.

What's wrong?

You're not smiling.
Don't you like my driving?

You're making fun of me.

I didn't ask to be
your bodyguard.

Calm down, Jinx.
I didn't ask for you either.

My hands are already full
without having you to carry.

Phone box number 34.

Southside. It's
not much to go on.

- Well?
- There's nothing.

Is that you?

- Who?
- Write this down.

Go as far as Mâcon.

Take the RN 79
towards Bourg-en-Bresse.

Slow down!

Go on to Grand
Bornand via the D 909.

Climb up to the Colombière pass.

Yes, and then?

Hello?

Hello?

Highway patrol, can I help you?

Highway patrol, can I help?

That's in the mountains.

No one mentioned
going up a mountain.

I can't stand high altitudes,
I can't breathe.

Left or right at
the next junction?

Did we pass Bourg-en-Bresse?

Ten minutes ago.
Can't you map-read?

- I can't do everything.
- So, left or right?

Left…

Right!

I have an idea.
You know what we should do?

We forget the whole thing.

The ransom, the mountain,
Bourg-en-Bresse,

and we fly to the Bahamas.

What do you say?

With the cash, we
can buy an island.

Just the two of
us, King and Queen.

The beaches there are huge,
the sea is turquoise blue.

We'd live in a beach hut,

we'd catch fish for dinner,

and I'd massage you
with coconut oil.

What's so funny?

I see.

Maps are definitely
not your thing.

Maybe you should drive.

Good idea.

Let me try this
little bombshell.

She's not so good on the bends.

100,000 DOLLARS UNDER THE SUN

Come on…!

Tonight, presenting
a major movie experience…

showing 500,000
dollars under the sun…

Listen!

which you will drop off
at the stone cross

on the road to Bonneval-sur-Arc.

Is that for us?

Go on, follow them!
What are you waiting for?

Change down into second gear!

- Honestly…!
- I don't know how.

You don't know much!

So here we are.
You can stop being so cross.

Right. What are we waiting for?

You're not so sure now, are you?

Mountain air makes me…

Half a million
hardly weighs a thing.

Wait for me!

So what now? Let's
find a chalet to spend the night.

What are you doing?

You're turning round?

Did you really think
I'd just drop off the cash like an idiot?

Anyway, it's not money
in the briefcase, it's a bomb.

- A bomb? Are you kidding me?
- No way!

I took the notes out
and put in some explosives.

Just a little bit,
just enough to…

You are totally crazy!

I could have got myself killed
thanks to you.

To think that I was
carrying that briefcase around…

Okay, I should have
told you. I'm sorry.

But you're not in danger
when you're with me, right?

- If it's a bomb, why are we here?
- To see who picks it up.

So you made a
bomb, just like that?

There's all sorts of
ready-made bombs

in briefcases, Louis
Vuitton handbags…

You can joke all you like,
I'm having nothing to do with it.

Either we dump the briefcase
and get out of here…

Look.

False alarm.

"False alarm"?

CAFE RESTAURANT THE OLD BRIDGE

Hand me the binoculars.

- What binoculars?
- In the glove box.

I never set off
without biscuits.

Crazy!

How do we get the briefcase
from the postman?

Did you ever see a postman
with shoes like that?

Right. But what if it blows up
in the middle of all those people?

Didn't think of that, did you?

It's fine, I set it for half past.
We've got at least 20 minutes.

Are you kidding?
It's 26 minutes past!

Silly me, I always forget
to wind my watch.

It's Daddy's fault. He promised
to buy me a quartz watch!

What time did you say it was…?

It'll blow up in four minutes!

A Martini, please!

With a straw.

Thank you.

Someone stole the briefcase!

Shit!

Frank!

Why didn't you wait for me?

Are you hurt?

- An ambulance.
- Here's the police.

The police! We're safe at last!

We've had it, you mean!

Are we going to tell the police
we set off a bomb?

Come on, let's go!

If we don't find
them, we're in trouble!

- We can't search all night!
- Shut up and go that way.

Keep still!

I can't see!

You weren't expecting
weapons, were you?

It's great to know
that it really works!

I'd never tried it before.

He'll feel better
in half an hour.

MOUNTAIN VIEW BAR

Come on, we're here.

We're not the only
ones having a blast!

I thought I heard
something… Sorry!

What happened to you?

Well… We'd like
two connecting rooms.

We've no vacancies.
With the wedding and all…

Give her a kiss!

- Are you sure you have no room?
- Well…

Number 13. Nobody wants it.

Thirteen?

That'll be fine,
won't it? We'll take it.

It's on the first floor.

The boss!

You'll have to excuse me.

I'll let you get settled.

Okay, I'm on my way!

- What are you doing?
- Testing.

I like a firm mattress.

This one's a little bouncy.

It's just as well
you don't like it,

because you'll be sleeping
in the armchair!

You won't let the
patient lie on the bed?

If there's a mosquito,
I'll be out of here.

Look, we have cham­pagne!

Mosquitoes? You're kidding.

So what's this?

Oh dear!

Which do you prefer?

Champagne will do nicely.

I'm the Al Capone
of mosquito warfare.

You'll see, there
are no flies on me!

Watch this.

No, that's too easy.

I have to stand at
least two metres away.

I can't fire, I only have Pepsi.

Now, he's turned his back on us.

Stand by!

Gotcha!

I have a confession to make.

I thought you were weak,

yellow-bellied and pretentious.

I thought you were
a pain in the neck.

Champagne on
its own is a bit sad.

Shall we call room service?

Of course! Some
smoked salmon, maybe?

Do you mind if I run a bath?

We're in a bit of
a fix, aren't we?

You know when you sing
in the bath there's a note that echoes?

Don't come in, I'm naked!

She took my bathrobe.

Have you got a toothbrush?

Not on me, no.

Cover yourself up!

You'll have to pay for that!

No!

Stop it! Our
dinner's at the door…

Where women are concerned,
there are two kinds of men.

The charmers and the squares.

Let me explain.

The charmers are
in their Porsche convertible,

they have it easy, okay.

And the squares?

The squares…

They count to ten
before commencing negotiations,

and when they get to 30,

they see the girl is
no longer around.

Right now, for
example, I'm counting.

One, two, three…

four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine…

At nine, I take my
courage in both hands…

At ten I'm in a fix
because my hands are full…

You have beautiful skin.

That's nice.

I have to call Daddy!

What can I tell him?

Hello, Daddy?

We just arrived in Bonneval.

- I can't help that.
- Nor can I.

What?

Yes, we'll be back tomorrow.

We'll be there
about seven o'clock.

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

But your mother
was worried sick.

You know how
highly-strung she is.

Now, it's time to unwind.

Tension has given
way to relaxation.

I'll let you go.
And don't do anything foolish!

Yes. Me too.

Want some Valium, darling?

No!

Your daughter sends her love.

DO NOT DISTURB

What's wrong? Don't you want to?

They're here!

- What?
- They're here.

- Who?
- Them! The men who…

They're here.

Hurry up! We have to leave!

I'm cold.

You're going to be fine.

Look.

I don't like this place.

There might be wild boars…

Or wolves!

Come on, I'm tired.

Spiders.

Is anyone there?

There's no one here.

Prudence…

Hey!

Are you asleep up there?

Sleeping Beauty?

Wakey-wakey!

Seven years of bad luck.

Prudence!

Come on, it's not funny!

Prudence!

I'LL BE BACK PRUDENCE

I'LL BE BACK PRUDENCE

Go round the back!

We've got them this time!

- The door's locked!
- Break it down!

Hurry up!

We need them alive!

- I don't get it, there's no one here.
- I don't believe it!

We can't have let
them escape again!

Look!

Let's go!

Let me go! It's on fire!

There's someone inside!

Your friend? He's long gone.

And anyway…

you're the one we want.

- Are you hurt?
- No. And you?

It was time my
lucky star showed up.

Here's the congregation!

We took them by surprise.
Did it by the book.

Got a sticking plaster?
That bitch scratched me…

No, that's quite enough now.

Batala.

Batala.

My compliments. She's charming.

What happened here?
Give me your jacket.

No, Boss, this is my best one.

There we are.

I like my guests to feel at home
in my home.

Well, my home…

You must be thinking,

what's a crook doing
in a disused chapel?

I'm…

I'm an original,
that's for sure!

I spent half my life
in the insurance business.

Twenty years of hard labour
for "Sleep Easy" insurance company.

Isn't that something?

I was in the
statistics department.

Of course all the disasters,
the accidents, the damages,

they got me thinking.

It's very dirty, isn't it?

Believe me, what I
did was nothing new.

What's an insurance contract

if not carefully-worded
daylight robbery?

So instead of robbing people
on behalf of my employers,

I went freelance.

You know what I told
the "Sleep Easy" company?

I said.

See you later, guys!

That's Batala.

What was I saying?

"That's Batala."

Yes, that's right.

No, that's enough now.

So instead of insuring people
against what might happen,

I insure them so
that it doesn't happen.

Everyone wins in the end.

People give me money
and then they feel better.

Why refuse them the pleasure?
They almost died.

They're happy like that.

I have little time for scruples…

- Well, no kidding!
- Yes.

And your father,
buying one newspaper after another,

doesn't have so many scruples
either, does he?

And when you bring me
a booby-trapped parcel…

Even though I
offered you a good deal.

Some booby-trap, it
blew up in your faces!

Yes!

You know, you can't just
turn into a terrorist overnight like that.

I know everyone's doing it
these days, but even so…

You need to give it
time, work up to it.

Fear…

Fear is marvellous.

So…

So what can we send Daddy

to make sure he coughs up?

A piece of earlobe?

A finger or two, perhaps?

Boss,

how about we cut to the chase?

- I'm warning you!
- No shouting, please.

Listen!

Help!

Get down on your knees and pray.

Father! What a surprise!

What are you doing here?

It's so quiet here, I love it.

I didn't know you
were so devout.

And I didn't know my parish
was so popular.

"In vasto gurgite tenues dispersi et
natantes apparente," wouldn't you say?

Very good.

Since you all seem
so well disposed,

perhaps we could pray together
for the forgiveness of our sins?

Here, Father, for
your works of charity.

Thank you, my son.

Miss.

In vasto gurgite tenues dispersi et
natantes apparente.

Wouldn't you say, Father?

You won't take that
to heaven with you.

What's this?

In nomine Patri et Filii et Spiritus
Sancti Amen.

Let's go!

Gee up!

Let's go!

Look!

They won't pull the
wool over my eyes!

- We're safe!
- What a narrow escape!

Are you okay?

Look!

Here we are!

Look, they're up there!

- They're in the cable car!
- I don't believe it!

We're five or six
cars ahead, aren't we?

It's so slow.

One car every 30 seconds,
that makes 180 seconds.

That's three minutes.
But we'd best be quick.

Those bastards
were going to cut off my finger.

What is it?

That's horrendous.

The postman gave
me his identity card!

What's going on?

What's up?

Damn.

We're in a hole, this time.

That's one way of
putting it, anyway.

- I have to get home now.
- No, boss!

Yes, I have to go home!

A night in the fridge
will calm them down.

And so…

You can take
turns to keep watch.

If they make a run for it,

you can open fire!

At him.

Frank?

Frank!

I'm a bit scared.

Tell me about it.

Did I make you cry?

What is it?

- What is it?
- We're going to die!

We're going to die.

Die? The two of us?

That's out of the question.

Anyway, what
would I do without you?

You're my lucky charm, remember?

Come on, Prudence.

We won't be beaten by this Baccarat,
Butternut, Balaclava guy!

No…

Don't cry, your
tears will freeze.

I'm scared too, you know.

Except when you're in my arms.

I don't know how
it's all going to end.

But there's one thing…

I didn't dare tell you…

You won't make fun of me?

I feel good when I'm with you.

I like holding you,

breathing your scent…

Stroking your hair, like this…

Drying your tears…

Holding you in my arms…

You'll laugh at me
but I think you're amazing!

That's nice.

I like it here,
I've got no competition!

Feeling better now?

Tomorrow morning,
we'll get away from here.

We'll find a way out of this.

What are you doing?

Do you remember
when we came out of the dentist's?

I kissed you and you said
you didn't feel anything.

It wasn't true.

It made me feel…

But I'm so cold, now.

Touch my hand…

My feet are cold,
my hands are cold,

I'm cold everywhere.

I'm numb with love.

You'll be fine.

Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.

In another step
towards the Grand Slam,

John McEnroe, has
again won Wimbledon…

You missed the headlines, again!

It's not much to ask,

to record the news
when I have a board meeting.

You never turn the
sound up, anyway.

Not while I'm eating.

There's only the 73 left.

We'll have to get a delivery.

There we are.

Some foiegras on top of that…

Did you have a good day?

Yes, the usual sort of thing.

Apart from that idiot Moulineaux
who wants to sue me.

What a moron!

And what's Prudence doing?

She said she'd be
home around seven.

You spilt some
wine on your jacket.

She'll be safe with Snag.

To me, the crunch of toast

in an empty house,

is rather reassuring.

Did you give the men their pâté?

Of course.

That girl makes
such a bad impression,

done up like a dog's dinner!

I like her.

The secret of foiegras
with truffles,

is 50-50.

Not like that
awful tinned stuff.

Nouvellecuisine
can go suck an egg!

You'll make yourself ill
with your stupid diets.

What can I say?

The chubby look is not my style.

If I don't get my 5,000 calories,
I'm a wreck.

The news is so boring!

Where's my caramel custard?

I can never find
anything in here.

It's past the damned sell-by date!
That's just perfect!

Look, Lucien!

It's Prudence.

What's she doing on TV?

What are you talking about?

Prudence in Tahiti?

You're seeing things, my dear.

No, before that.

Rewind!

Stop!

You're right!

What are they doing?

And those two
running after them?

Wait!

Oh, my God! Did you see?

Troops at the ready!

- Good morning.
- Good morning.

I'm hungry.

Really? Okay. All
you had to do was ask.

Waiter! Hurry up with
the pastries please!

The echo, did you hear that?

Echo!

Can you hear me, echo?

- You should call for help.
- Okay.

Prudence!

What's happening?

Frank, you're brilliant!

And now, I want hot chocolate!

You always know
exactly what you want.

- What are you thinking?
- About Batala.

- He'll be so mad!
- That'll do him good!

I don't believe it…

I told you, one of you
always stays on watch!

Oh shit!

So we're here
freezing our bits off,

they disappear into thin air!

They're really
taking the mickey.

Come on, let's go and find
that nymphomaniac.

Look, boss!
There's loads of blood over here.

Yeah. Lots of snow, too.

That's enough.

They don't need us
if they're injuring themselves now!

- The mountains are so beautiful.
- Very beautiful.

Aren't you happy being
on holiday with me?

Come on, relax!
Take a deep breath.

Damn, it's started again!

Lie down for a while.

Everything okay for you?

No feet on the
furniture, please.

- He's having a nosebleed.
- Yes.

Is there a police
station near here?

- Batala deserves the red carpet!
- The Minister? You know him?

The Minister?

Sure. He used to be
Secretary of State at the Treasury.

So he says, anyway.

He's a regular
customer, you know.

He comes in every
day before lunch.

No, boss!

I want my apéritif
before we search the village.

They'll slip through
our fingers again.

Who's the boss, huh?

You start searching
and I'll come and find you after.

Morning, ladies and gentlemen.

- How are you, Ginette?
- Fine, Mr Batala.

Then I'll have a
glass of Sancerre.

On the terrace, as usual?

No, at the bar, please.

Well!

It won't start.

Damn!

This way!

Boss!

Boss!

It wouldn't start, huh?

Faster!

Hurry up! Accelerate!

Go on!

- Faster!
- Why are you braking?

It's the rubbish bins!

Run him down!

They want to kill
us! They're garbage!

Need a lift?

Okay, great!

And we're off!

There we are!

Out you get.

- What's your name?
- Jimmy.

Thanks, Jimmy!

Hey!

Here, take this.

- It'll bring you luck.
- And about time, too!

Let's go!

Look, Mr Batala, there they are!

Come on, we can't dawdle.

You sound like my dad
when you're impatient.

- I can hardly breathe!
- It's the altitude.

I'm breathless, but
I'm not complaining.

Let go of me!

We have to go this way,
where the cars can't come.

- We should go the other way.
- Straight ahead will be quicker!

You know what's wrong with you?

- You're still ten years old!
- Come on!

It's too wet here.
We'll go the other way.

You'll be able to
tell your children

you were in love with an ace reporter
who didn't scare so easily!

What's up?

Where's that silly cow gone?

"Where's that silly cow gone?"

What made you think I was in love
with a crappy journalist?

When you've quite finished…

Yes, that's exactly
what you are.

A cheesy scribbler
who needs rescuing every five minutes.

Well, I wish you would.

Okay, hand me your
lasso, Smart Aleck.

Okay…

Oh, my God!

- Are you okay?
- Never better!

Catch hold of this.

- Wait…
- Come on.

Frank!

I'm further down!

Catch hold of it!

Got it!

Hang on!

- Pull!
- Yes!

Come on!

That's it!

You scared me.

You're covered in dirt.

You've gone pale.

This way.

I'm thirsty!

Frank?

Frank!

Want to come
inside for a minute?

Comfortable?

Yes.

Maybe we should go.

- Where to?
- The Bahamas.

You wanted to buy me
an island, remember?

The beach hut,

the turquoise sea.

Coconut oil.

Would you like a cheese triangle?
It's a bit squashed…

You're such a
romantic, Frank Snag.

- Hey, boss, wait!
- Listen!

- There's a cave.
- Where there's a cave, there's treasure.

Go on, get on with it!

Get on with it!

Hey!

Come back. I
don't want to get my feet wet.

My feet are getting wet!

Okay, wait a minute, boss.

It's worth having a shot at.

The cheese triangle's done for.
This is getting serious.

- Have you flown one before?
- No, I keep my feet on the ground.

You don't get
vertigo, do you? Good.

Anyway, it's not difficult.

What did I say?
You're ten years old.

On three, we go for it.

I'll distract them
and we'll fly down to the valley.

- You have to shout to scare them.
- Shout?

Shout whatever you like.

- You can do "you-yous".
- "You-yous"?

Yes, like the
women do in Algeria.

Okay, one, two, three!

Don't get carried away!

Enjoy the view.

You need to look where you're going!
See down there!

Look, Mr Batala.

We've got them this time.

What's that big
kite doing up there?

Would you like to drive?

- How far is it now?
- Only 500m as the crow flies!

HANG-GLIDING COMPETITION

Have you been hang-gliding long?
I'm a total beginner.

Come on, are you serious?

He won the race!

- Really?
- Yes.

Hey, mind your
own damn business!

Congratulations, Jeanjean!

Well done!

She's with me.

She's with me.

- What are you doing?
- I just spotted Batala.

Minister, I'm so
delighted to see you.

How are you?

Let me kidnap you for a moment.

And now, dear friends,

we're going to find out
who won the tombola.

You have your tickets?

Yes!

Then let's get started.

Minister, would
you do the honours?

The suspense is killing me!

Let's head that way.

It's number 81.

Who's the lucky winner?

I have 54.

- Number 81!
- What's your number?

What's your number?

What did she say?
Mine is number 18.

It's not 18, it's 81.

Idiot, you won the first prize!

It's him! He's the winner!

No…!

Come over here.

Show me your ticket.

Yes, that's it.

Come onto the stage.

This is for you!

Thank you.

And now for some music!

- Bandleader?
- Wait!

I have to tell you something.

- Well, yes, okay.
- Yes.

I wanted to say,
you can't imagine how happy I am.

It's true. The
celebration, the hat…

As hats go, it's
a beautiful hat.

- Congratulations.
- Shall we dance?

Hats off to him, then!

I also wanted to say that…

I'm getting married.

Yes, I'm in love…

with a young woman.

I love her to death.

She didn't know that until now.

But…

Yes, we're going to get married.

If she wants to.

I'm not used to proposing
in public like this.

But it's weird, I
don't feel nervous.

I'm feeling fine.

Well! So, my dear Minister,

would you like to
open the ball with…

with the bride-to-be?

I would be delighted.

It's them!
Those three men tried to kill us!

Enough!

- Get out!
- What's he on about?

Please, friends, I beg of you…!

Dear friends, you know me.

Do I look like a killer?

No, that's enough.

Bandleader, music, please!

Alone at last!

It's sweet of you to
allow me this dance.

Especially since
there are no strings attached…

You know what you are?
A pathetic little con man…

Not at all. I am a
respectable citizen.

- What is it?
- May I step in here?

Meanwhile,
nice and slow, we go to the door…

No tricks!

Batala prefers to avoid errors…

- Yes?
- Do you mind if I step in here?

Well, I don't like to insist,

but don't go too far away.

We're leaving soon.

You're a good dancer, Frank.

Sounds like Wagner.

It is Wagner.

- What's going on?
- It's coming from outside.

We have you surrounded!
Stay where you are!

Hello, Pru­dence, it's me!
Can you hear me?

It's Dad, let's go!

Cease fire!

You killed him!

- You could have really hurt me.
- Bastard.

He's not dead?

No, he's not dead.

Just impossible to live with.

I said, cease fire!

- Batala?
- That's right, Batala.

Charlemagne High School?

Form 2B?

That's right, yes, but…

- But…
- Guilledou, but…

Guilledou, but… I
can't remember.

Of course you do, think!

You don't mean Chicken?

Of course!

Guilledou, is my pen name…

- Chicken is Guilledou!
- Right. Guilledou is Chicken.

- You've hardly changed.
- You have to look after yourself.

So what do we do
about the ransom?

Shall we split 50-50?

You old rascal!

Frank!

Frank!

Frank!

Subtitle translation
by: Lucie Maguire