Zombiechrist (2010) - full transcript

Calling on my day off.

So it's halfway unofficial.

You told me to get in touch with you

if any of the people on your list

wound up dead.

And did you by any chance

find bread and wine at the scene?

Yeah.

You know I wouldn't be able to tell you

unless you hadn't brought it up first.

Anyway, I'm gonna have to ask you

to fly out to New Jersey

Detective, you know I'm not a suspect.

I'm not even in your country,

let alone at the crime scene.

Yeah, but you know things

about the killings.

If you conspire to commit murder

you're gonna get the death penalty just like

the person who actually did the killings.

But you said there were no injuries,

that she died of natural causes.

Yeah, but forensics might change that story.

The only DNA you're going

to find is from grapevines

that are 2,000 years old.

Just come in for an interview.

I don't think you did it, but you're

the only one that can shed light at this time.

If any  of the information

I've given you gets documented

then I'll be locked up in a mental institution

and I will be able to help no one.

Okay, then just come and give us

the facts that don't sound crazy.

I already told you what you needed to know.

Go through the list of potential victims

contact the police and authorities

in their various regions

and assign people to protect them.

You know the only way law enforcement

can devote that kind of  manpower

is if you give us more information.

I thank you detective

for getting in touch with me.

I was a fool to think

the police would do anything.

I will have to make contact

with the guardians

and have them sent out if they

have not already been dispatched.

- What are you talking about?

- I'm on this call

but I am not the only one who has

knowledge of these special events.

Let me pass, brother.

I can't believe you

call yourself a protector.

Looks can be deceiving.

You're not protecting

anybody today, protector.

I know I don't have any power

to stop the zombie.

So we don't have to fight.

Oh yes I do,

the Warriors' Code demands it.

You are not a warrior,

you're an assassin.

Same difference.

Look I don't care if you're embarrassed

by the way I'm dressed.

I could go to church

wearing anything that I want to.

Don't think you're better than me

because you wear expensive clothes.

Whatever.

Look, I gotta go,

somebody's knocking on the door.

Holy shit!

Yes, that is what I seek.

Did you receive Holy Communion today?

Yes.. I did.

I've been wounded and the only way

to heal is to extract the sacred meal

from your bowels.

Are you really Jesus?

As your humble servant

I will do whatever you ask.

Take off thy clothes.

Turn thyself around.

Yes.

Get thyself down on all fours.

Spread up thy buttocks.

Ah, yes.

Turned thyself around to face me

but maintain that position.

The Lord giveth and Lord taketh.

I will remember you

when I come into my tingle.

Can you make it not hurt

so much while you're..

digging around in my intestines?

We all have our crosses to bear.

Are you sure that's gonna be enough?

I only have one wafer.

Did you not hear the story of when

I multiplied the loaves of bread?

You just..

make sure you

multiply it outside of my ass.

It is finished.

This is my body which

has been shed for you.

I shall place this on my wound

and restore the flesh

that was ripped from me.

Holy shit!

This is a crime scene.

Shit.

I should've known I wasn't

gonna get a signal out here.

But I have to tell the police

I found a rape victim!

Okay.

It's alright.

You poor woman, I'm so sorry.

But before I go..

I have to memorize some of the details

because that way, in case someone else

comes along and contaminates the evidence

I'll have something useful

to tell the police.

Wonder if this is worth something.

Bitch!

You crushed my ankle!

Let go!

Is this what you want?

You want this back?

Tough shit!

I'm gonna sell it and use it

to pay for my medical expenses!

Well?

Well what?

Aren't you gonna eat me out?

I thought you were gonna blow me first.

I just did a fucking strip-tease for you!

Oh okay, well..

Go get yourself a garter belt so at least it

looks like you put a little bit of effort into it.

Uh..

Babe!

There's a skeleton in the closet.

Are you trying to be funny?

I don't have to try to be funny.

I am funny.

I'm gay.

Are you trying to be funny?

"I don't have to try to be funny,

I am funny."

Uh..

Babe, the skeleton came out of the closet.

Well then tell him

to find you some lingerie.

Better yet: tell him to eat you out.

I can't believe what I just saw.

Then you shall no longer see

what you disbelieve.

I know you're not going to believe this.

but I'm just here to protect you.

I really am sorry about the gag.

Like I told you,

I'm just here to protect you.

I need you to sit and listen

while I explain things to you.

If you weren't tied up

I'm sure that you would run away from me

when you hear what I have to say.

There are forces

vying for control.

When the new age comes in 2012

it's not the end of the world.

It's a transition.

And you're of a bloodline

that can win the battle.

But these forces...

these enemies are haunting you.

I can't fight them off.

I know I may not look it,

but I'm just a scholar.

But I can't hide you.

I know

that part of the story

may seem crazy, but..

The part that comes now

is even nuttier.

Are you ready?

The druids have raised someone

from the dead.

And he walks the earth

killing everyone of your bloodline.

He can't

be dissuaded from his course.

He was brought to life or

reanim-.. or animated!

Until he destroys every one

of his descendants.

You may have heard of the zombie

when it was a man.

Those who don't know the

story call him Yeshu or..

Jesus.

I thought you'd be more shocked,

you seem very calm.

Are you really calm?

Really?

Thank you.

My pleasure.

You were telling me that

Jesus Christ is a zombie.

Do I have that right?

Zombie is a long dead corpse of a man

whom most people associate

with the myth of Jesus.

But the gospels are mostly false.

They were compiled from a bunch of

poorly written and rewritten manuscripts

under the supervision of a Roman emperor.

That's why there's

no anti-Roman sentiment in the stories.

Pontius Pilate was portrayed

as a fair and nice arbitrator.

In real life he was brutal and..

insensitive to the jews.

He would've never catered to the mob.

The basis of the story

was that there was a custom

to release a prisoner over passover.

There never was such a custom!

Thanks for the history lesson,

but it really doesn't matter to me

what Jesus was or wasn't.

You're telling me that these days

he's a zombie.

And he's coming after me, right?

Uh.. to put it simply, yes.

Okay.

Will you let me say something

to test if you're delusional?

Surely.

I'm hoping, if you're suffering

from a delusion,

that giving evidence the contrary

will snap you out of it.

Now, if I give you evidence

against your belief

do you promise

to call an ambulance on yourself?

I think I can give you that assurance.

Okay.

So if I present an argument, and you find

some really big stretch to make it work

you still have to call an ambulance and let

the EMTs decide what should happen next.

Yes.

Okay.

The stories about vampires,

and werewolves, and zombies

are all mathematically impossible.

If a zombie bites a human,

who then turns into a zombie.

And that zombie bites another person,

who also turns into a zombie.

And so on and so forth.

Then the number of zombies

would grow exponentially.

And very fast I might add.

And quite soon there would be

no unaffected humans left.

Which would terminate the food source.

And all would perish.

I understand that zombies

are sometimes a symbol for plague.

But all plagues die out eventually,

and humans win.

I think you'll agree

that I've listened patiently.

And I agree with what you say about

creatures contaminating humanity

and mathematical probabilities.

But..

those are stories.

Not real events.

The zombie the haunts you

does not eat human brains.

It does not create other zombies

when it bites people.

It is a partially mummified corpse

that has been animated with magic.

I don't even know if it has consciousness

or any memory of who it was in its past life.

- You read Homer's "The Odyssey"?

- No.

Well..

According to Homer, the dead are

in a trance-like existence.

Only when they drink sacrificial blood

they can remember their past existence.

Okay.

I can see you're too coherent to be crazy.

I'll go with you.

Are you sure?

Yes.

You speak in a logical manner

and you haven't hurt me

even though I'm tied up.

So you won't hurt me when I'm free.

That made me trust you.

You are proof that

your bloodline will prevail.

My name is Michael. As I mentioned

earlier, I am a scholar. Well..

- A renegade scholar.

- Renegade?

That may seem like a rebellious word, but..

to put it simply, I am not a member

of any organization.

I know about these organizations,

but i'm not a member.

And how can you protect me?

Because knowledge is power.

Magda..

Come on.

Thank you.

Yes, he's feeling much better.

Yes, sister Mary, I'll be staying

with my brother for a couple of days

and then I'll be back in the convent.

As also with you.

Okay I'll see you soon.

Bye.

Would you die for me the same way

that you think I died for mankind?

Would you let yourself get nailed?

If you are truly my

Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

then I will do so gladly.

I did not die for you or for anyone else.

The Romans stole my story and

changed it to suit their political agenda.

What you believe to be history

is just a stolen myth.

Romans stole the Greek pantheon

and renamed the Gods.

Zeus became Jupiter.

Dionysus became Bacchus.

When Romans invented Christianity,

Bacchus became Jesus.

But even the Greeks stole a myth.

Crete had different deities

before the mainlanders invaded.

No, there is only one God.

You are a Roman Catholic.

The Roman emperor Constantine

created your religion.

But did you know that Constantine himself

never converted  to Christianity?

He was a worshiper of a Sun God.

I am not the Son of God,

I am the God of the Sun.

You are a bride of Christ.

It's time to consummate the relationship.

But you were celibate.

Was I?

In the gospels I was called "Rabbi".

According to the rabbinical

laws I have been married.

I have two children with Mary Magdalene.

And one child with a woman named Lydia.

You are not Jesus.

You are the beast.

And so are you.

We shall make the beast with two backs.

I have no boner but I know

that you are thawing for meat.

It's political.

This side of the talisman

reveals that Yeshu or Jesus

belonged to the political party

that wanted peace with Rome.

Is that why he's called the Prince of Peace?

No, that's the American consumerism

of religion.

No, he was from the Davidic bloodline.

He was a king.

King of the jews.

Well not all jews consider him legitimate.

Look, I can't do the whole history

in a conversation.

But if you don't mind,

I do have to think out loud.

Sometimes when I hear myself say things,

something important may click.

Sure.

They were a sect of extremists that

lived in a remote settlement called Qumran.

They held a political supper.

What you call "The Last Supper".

They were representatives

of the Zealot war party.

And of the peace party,

which Yeshu was a member.

Jesus.

The Prince of Peace.

Or the King of Peace.

Yes, if that's easier.

They were all to merge into one party

if certain prophecies came to pass.

And when they did not

the peace party was discredited.

So he was a king,

just not the King of Peace?

Judas

was at this meal.

Was a wanted man at the time.

But there was an even more wanted man

at the so-called "Last Supper".

Jesus.

No, it wasn't Jesus.

Judas thought he could bargain

for his own freedom

if he turned in the other fugitive.

But the betrayal backfired on him.

Like I told you before,

Pontius Pilate wasn't a fair man.

Is any man who rules really fair?

Pilate ordered three leaders

to be crucified.

At Qumran bribes were paid

for a man named Simon.

I won't get into his story.

But he was an old man.

And Jesus was chosen in his place to die.

So he didn't die for mankind.

He died for an old man.

Just pay attention.

There was no one to offer bribes for Judas,

so he was crucified.

And the crucifixions

weren't a hilltop spectacle.

They were done in an unclean portion

of the settlement to add extra insult.

There weren't many spectators.

And Jesus wasn't crucified in the center,

he was at the end.

Well at least it was private.

You said there weren't many spectators.

After a few hours

enough of a bribe was collected

to have Jesus's execution changed

to being buried alive.

But it was all a ruse

for him to escape.

You got all that from a talisman?

No.

I got that because I've

read the Dead Sea Scrolls.

Talisman does give me new associations.

On this side it talks about

Mary Magdalene.

The whore?

The Romans depicted her as a whore.

But she wore the color red for a different

reason, sort of like cardinal status.

She was the head of

a large organization though.

I haven't been able to figure out precisely what

it is, but I'm willing to bet it was religious.

Not Christian.

No, not possible.

There was no such thing as Christianity

when Jesus supposedly lived.

Okay whatever,

what does it say about Magdalene?

It's baffling.

It ties her to the Earth Goddess

that was worshiped in Crete.

The one that predates the Greek pantheon.

But she was Jewish, wasn't she?

- You ever heard of the term "diaspora"?

- No.

Never mind then.

It's not the word that matters,

it's the concept behind it.

The main connection between

Mary's Jewish identity and Crete

is that there were quite a few jews

who lived in Greece.

- Don't you mean quite a lot?

- I don't understand. - Well..

Few is always a small number.

It makes no difference whether I say:

"here are three pennies"

or "here are quite a three pennies".

Right, not all expressions are intelligent.

It would help if you stopped using stupid

expressions when you wanna sound smart.

I will.

Thank you.

As I was about to say,

Crete was a society ruled by women.

It was well-structured, fun.

And not interested in war.

It was a compassionate society.

Eventually..

it was invaded.

And the Earth Goddess

was replaced by the Sky Gods.

The female run society

was replaced by a male dominated one.

I don't think I'm gonna be

of any help to you.

If you keep talking about history

I'm probably gonna make some wisecracks.

That's not what you want, right?

Does history bore you so much?

No, but I learned a long time ago

that history isn't true.

Everything that was recorded

had some sort of agenda behind it.

There was never any intention

to report the truth.

A professor told me that.

Ever since then I haven't wanted

to learn anymore.

I mean, all you've been telling me is that

the history I've learned isn't true.

What makes the history

that you know any more true?

Let's not argue, Mary.

- Is that okay with you?

- I'll let you know if you need to shut up.

Don't be afraid.

I'm not an intruder.

What do you call yourself then?

You broke in, you're obviously intruding.

I know this sounds crazy,

you have to come with me.

Actually this..

sounds crazy,

I had a dream that you're coming.

Okay, pack some clothes.

I'll wait here.

I'm sorry, I just got a couple of questions.

In my dream there are

two kinds of people coming after me.

Do you know anything about the other team?

The humans who are coming

are going to try to kill me.

Are they gonna try to kill me too?

No, they'll preserve you

for the thing that's coming

to eat your soul.

How are they gonna try to kill you?

They'll first try to defeat me

in hand-to-hand skills.

Why?

They believe in the Warrior's Code.

This is stupid.

They must've never read The Odyssey then.

Greatest warrior, Achilles, renounced

the Warrior Code completely.

Warriors are so quick

to lose their lives to glory.

Glory is meaningless in the after life.

Or should they say after death?

No woman would ever be foolish enough

to live by the Warrior's Code.

Life is too precious for us.

I just got a couple of questions to ask you

before I decide to go with you.

Are you risking your life for me?

Do you think that my life

is more important than yours?

Do you think that being selfless

makes you honorable?

Just fulfilling my duty, don't wanna die

if that's what you're asking.

I think all tourists..

are all evil.

They do things for rewards

and pretend to care of the greater good.

Don't you think it's better

to be honest about your intentions?

I really don't have any ulterior motives.

If that's the way you wanna play the game.

So be it.

Can you see if I dropped my special

necklace by this side of the couch?

- I don't wanna leave without it.

- Yeah.

You fool, I'm one of the assassins.

And Jill is dead, you came too late.

The zombie came for her.

I waited for you

so I could destroy and kill you

before you attempted

to save anyone else on that list.

Even the most intelligent man

becomes a fool when he gazes upon beauty.

Think of the Devil and he shall appear.

Oh my god!

Your god? I think not.

I grow weary of your crime.

Forgive me.

Actions speak louder than words.

Gird up thy loins.

What you have made others do, I shall do.

Why do you call this a blowjob?

The penis is sucked, not blown.

The miracle I shall perform this day

is that I will blow and inflate

the penis until it bursts.

What shall be the name of this?

Blowup job?

Yes. And my magic will keep you

alive, suffering and dickless.

And you must walk the earth and give

all other rapist priests blowup jobs

to make it impossible for them and you

to ever rape another boy.

Do you think that everyone

from my bloodline is dead?

Sure seems that way.

But if there is anyone left alive

we owe it to that person

to do for them what I've done for you.

And law enforcement probably

has you on their list.

Yeah, I've been thinking about that actually.

They could be waiting for me,

hiding in one of the homes.

You said that they won't protect anyone on

the list until a lot of people end up dead.

We found out a lot of those people are dead.

Surely the police have taken

more protective action by now.

Maybe you don't even need

to protect these people anymore.

You feel selfish if you're the only

person on the list whom I saved?

If you fall into a police trap,

you aren't gonna be protecting anyone.

I don't understand why none of the protectors

from the other various organizations

have been able to save anyone.

You ever hear that Jesus is

your personal Saviour?

Of course.

Actually, I'm sick of hearing it.

Well, Zombie Jesus is more like

your personal savour.

For some reason

he steals the souls of his victims.

It's the reason I haven't been able

to figure out why. 

Maybe the Gods feed on souls.

The Greek Gods used to feed on the smell

of burning flesh.

Maybe the zombie's feeding

on the energy of these souls

to keep itself animated.

It's that gonna hurt?

I mean

when he does it to me.

I don't think so.

I mean, souls aren't physicals.

Pain is physical.

But I promise I'll do everything I can

to keep that from happening.

I would die for you.

You would?

Why would you do something like that?

Because you are the last of your kind!

I know I'm not much of a barrier,

but hopefully this is.

Leave me alone!

I left you once.

The pain has never left me.

- So you can be hurt.

- You know who likes that.

Mary, you have remembered me.

Yes, I remember how you used

your power on me, at my apartment!

That is unless you're a different zombie.

You all look alike to me.

Deeper in the past

have you ever dreamed of another life?

Of another man in your life?

Stay back.

Do I remind you of someone?

You are someone else.

I can see your soul,

but it sleeps in forgetfulness.

I will awaken you, Mary.

Go!

Oh no, not again.

So how do I know that this is really wine?

- What else could it be?

- You know, Christ's blood.

That's actually from the Greek mythology.

In fact the gospels took a lot

from the ancient Greeks.

Plagiarism was pretty common

back then, it ran rampant.

- Shut up!

- That's pretty rude.

You told me to stop you whenever

you talk too much about history.

I see.

Let me tell you one thing

that I'm sure you'll find interesting.

Bread and wine had a different meaning to the Greeks.

Bread was given by the Earth Goddess.

You know, grain given from the earth.

But you said that the Greeks

worship the Sky Gods.

Yes, but when one people's

takes over another

the takeover is more successful

if the subjugated people are allowed

to keep some of their beliefs.

I remember reading that when Rome

took over the Christian religion

that they blended some

of the pagan practices into catholicism.

Very good, Mary.

Is that my influence?

Well, you do have a way

of making these things stick.

Thank you.

Wine.

Wine was the Sky Gods' gift.

Dionysus taught humans how to make wine.

Bread sustained life.

Wine made it worth living.

I's said that it's the..

only cure for sorrow.

There are other cures for sorrow.

That was my blood that was shed for you.

You don't really wanna kill her.

You could've many times,

but you didn't.

Wait.

I remember now.

I never stopped loving you.

You drank the sacrificial blood,

you remember your past life.

No, Mary.

Your life is what you make of it,

not what you once were.

I died before you came back to me.

You can have the earthly life

that we should've had.

Take my hand.

No, Mary, it's a trick.

You can't go against the spell

that animates him.

I am his true love.

Nonsense.

Dionysus was terrible at relationships.

Some men write stories for others to read.

And some men believe what others write.

There's gotta be a way to satisfy your

orders and still make everybody happy.

- There's got to be a loophole.

- I have thought long on this.

If you kill her your own bloodline

will be lost. She's your descendant!

I'm not talking about the Mary you once knew,

I'm talking about the Mary of the present.

If you kill her the Sky Gods will lose.

You're a Sky God!

The druids fooled Rome once.

They let Rome believe

that they were wiped out.

But they hid.

Hid for centuries.

Until now!

They made you into their puppet,

but you could be their master.

In another life

I did indeed achieve high rank

in the druidic sect.

Maybe that's the loophole

that will serve us.

Use your ancient rank,

you can command them.

Stay out of the affairs of the Gods.

But you're in love with her.

You forget that I can raise the dead.

I will not do the same for you.

I have dreamed of life with you.

A life in the flesh.

There is a way for us to be together

but there's a price of pain.

You'll hate me for it.

But great pain's never fully remembered.

As you endure it, I will not seem to pass.

When it is over it will just be

a dull memory. Trust me, I know this.

Foolish mortals bow for the

dominion of the new age.

Your ignorant protector

makes me a humiliated God.

Degraded into serving men

who want to destroy my bloodline.

Let the bloodline perish.

It matters not to immortals.

The Gods are the Gods!

And the ages of men

are only of significance to man.

Whoever reigns in the age of Aquarius,

reigns only over man.

But remains the same

in the plane of the Gods.

The only place where status matters.

I loved her.

Tomorrow is the day upon which

so many have hung their hopes.

You have left your body by then.

I did not take your soul. nor will I.

You'll die a death worthy of legend.

And then I shall descend from

the skies as a man

and I will resurrect you as a woman.

The druids will have won.

But it shall not matter to us.

We shall know the happiness

that was taken from us long ago.

Dionysus!

No!

Michael, you don't know

what you're doing.

Leave!

Alexander the Great brought

Greek mythology to Jerusalem.

Spare him.

He can't save me, I know I have to die.

Followers of Dionysus drank wine

and called it his blood.

He was born of a virgin.

His childhood was in danger.

He raised someone from the dead!

They believed that if they followed him

they would  have salvation.

He died in excruciating death.

Went to the underworld.

He returned as an immortal.

Almost everything written about Jesus

was first written about Dionysus.

Michael. Please shut up.

Dionysus

You had a bride, Ariadne.

She was human.

But Zeus approved of her so much

he made her immortal.

Michael.

Stop.

Go while you still can.

Ariadne & Dionysus.

Are there parallels there

to Mary Magdalene and Jesus?

Mary died before Jesus.

Was it natural? Or did Jesus

approve of having her killed?

Dionysus consented

to having Ariadne killed.

Because she took another lover, Theseus.

The day is not yet over.

I know the story of

how Dionysus died as well.

I have the talisman.

You may not be the only immortal

that walks the earth.

I will call the titans.

The titans stole your thunder once.

And they will do it again!

No!

What have you done?

It's his time.

So does mine.

I'm finished.

Farewell, beautiful face.

Without you,

the way to compose sweet music

is forgotten.

The Gods work in mysterious ways.

You're quoting that from Euripides.

That's where I first encountered it.

In his play - "The Bacchae".

You know most Christian expressions

were stolen from Greek plays.

I was referring to the seeming paradox

of my  victory.

The Earth Goddess has won.

Women shall rule.

Societies will be compassionate

and war shall be forgotten.

But you're of the bloodline of Jesus

(or Dionysus).

That was what you call a smokescreen.

The zombie did not heed his own words.

Humans meant nothing in the contest.

All that happened was meant for me

to become deified.

- Sparagmos?

- Yes.

An excruciating death was necessary

for me to become immortal.

Yes, but when Dionysus underwent sparagmos

he was already half god and half human.

As was I.

I am the daughter of a Goddess.

My father was human.

Why didn't you do something in the past

when you were Mary Magdalene or Ariadne?

You forget that immortals

do not feel time like you do.

All that happened in the past

was in preparation for this day.

Hey, that's why you kept

telling me to shut up.

You were afraid Dionysus

would figure out the plot.

That's right.

It's not easy to fool a God.

Did you know he really loved you?

Yes, I was never false.

But he betrayed me.

Whichever story you hear:

Magdalene or Ariadne

There is betrayal of my love.

But you

You came for me even though

you knew you'd be killed for doing so.

Audio transcription for KG.