Your Hat (1932) - full transcript

[ORGAN]

[RAGTIME TUNE]

[HAGGLING]

But I wanna see you sooner than that.

Yeah, today.

Well, all right then, baby, at lunch.

Oh, you said it.

Yeah, in ten minutes.

[KISSES]

Goodbye, sweetie.

[KISS, SIGH]

Boy, you certainly have

got it bad this time.

Oh say, Joe, let me tell you something.

I've been around for years,

but I'm really in love this time.

This is without a doubt the

sweetest girl in the world.

Oh, she's a wonderful cook

and a marvelous housekeeper,

and she's been in this

town three years now

and doesn't know a soul but me.

One of these days

I'm gonna have you meet Trixie.

Trix?

Wouldn't it be funny

if it was Trixie Hicks?

Trixie Hicks?

You mean a tall blue

girl with blonde eyes?

Linwood 0986

Yeah, no, you, oh Joe,

you're kidding me.

You don't mean this girl?

Kidding you, what are ya

talkin' about?

There she is right there.

Oh, Trixie!

Give me that!

Been in this town three years

and doesn't know a soul, huh?

Trixie Hicks, Linwood 0896

Trixie Hicks and doesn't know a soul

Well, what's he laughing about?

What happened to Harry?

He got mad because I showed

him a picture of Trixie Hicks,

and he tore it up and now I'm mad.

Well, don't be mad.

Here's another picture of Trixie Hicks.

This is for you.

With my compliments.

I didn't know you knew Trixie.

I don't.

Well, how'd you get this picture?

Bumped into Harry and took the picture

out of his pocket.

What a dumbbell.

How can anybody take something

out of a guy's pocket

without him feeling it?

Haven't any idea.

Here's your watch.

How can you take anything

out of a guy's pocket

without him feeling it?

Ho ho ho ho ho ho!

Come on, come on!

Give me a little service around here.

Yes, sir, I'll be right with you.

I want somebody to wait on me.

I wanna buy a hat.

You wanna buy a hat.

Mm mm mm

No, no, that's too, that's too big.

This is the hat right here.

I know you'll like it.

Try this on.

That's a lovely piece of felt.

That's an import.

That's the only kind of

a hat the boss wears.

I like that hat.

I hoped you would.

I like that hat better

than I do my own hat.

That's a lovely hat.

Nobody will know you.

As a matter of fact,

your wife won't know ya.

What can I do for ya?

Huh!

I didn't know ya!

That's how good that looks, yes, sir.

Yeah, I like it.

How much is it?

Five dollars.

Five dollars.

You'll love that hat.

Your family will love it.

Last for years.

Well, here.

Yes, sir.

Wrap up my old hat.

Uh, your old hat?

Um, Joe, Joe, the old hat,

the gentleman's old hat.

The gentleman's old hat.

Yes, sir.

You had an old hat?

Yeah, I left it right here.

An old hat?

I had it on when I came in.

Then I got this hat.

Give me back my five dollars.

What kind of a racket is this?

Selling me my own hat.

A regular gyp joint.

I gotta go down to the stock room.

I hope so.

[DOOR]

Hello, Gracie!

Oh, hello!

How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm fine.

How's your mother?

Oh, she's fine.

Are you still living

at the same place?

Same place.

You know the Kellys

living next door?

Yes?

Well, Mr. Kelly left his wife.

Ohhh, that's bad.

Nooooo, that's good because

my brother likes Mrs. Kelly.

Well, that's good.

Noooo, that's bad because

Mr. Kelly might punch my brother

in the nose.

Well, that's bad.

No, that's good because that'll

teach my brother a lesson

not to run around with Mrs. Kelly.

Well, that's good.

No, that's bad.

Mr. Kelly might hurt my brother,

and he's the only one

working in the family.

Well, that is bad.

No, that's good, that'll

make my father go to work.

Well, I got to go now.

My mother's waiting for me.

Oh, say, that's bad.

Never keep your mother

waiting for you.

Well, I've got to be running along.

Oh, say, that's good.

Running is very good exercise.

Well, goodbye.

Goodbye, say, listen don't forget

to visit my brother.

He's going to the hospital

tomorrow with a broken nose.

Well, if your brother has

a broken nose,

why doesn't he go today?

Well, Mr. Kelly's gonna

break it for him tomorrow.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Oh boy, she's silly.

Do you sell hats here?

Do we sell hats here?

Yes.

That's Chinese crockery,

and this is an umbrella.

Do we sell hats?

Well, I

Just a minute

Would you mind sitting down?

I'll be right with you.

You're next.

Right there, and take it easy,

there's no use rushing like that.

Yes, miss?

I'd like to buy my sweetheart a hat.

Well, what size hat does he wear?

Well, I don't know what size hat,

but he wears a 16 shirt.

A 16 shirt?

Yes.

I wish Joe was here.

A 16 shirt, let me see that

would be a size 36 suit.

His blue suit's a 36.

His gray one's a 38.

The blue one's a 36,

and the gray one's a 38?

Mmhm, but he hasn't any gray ones.

You and I are gonna have a

little trouble, I can see that.

How is that you know

the size of his suit,

and you know the size of his shirt,

and you don't know

the size of his hat?

Oh well, that's because

I always buy his hats.

Oh, that's why

you don't know the size

because you always buy his hat?

Well, he wears a size 6,

but 7 feels so comfortable

that he always wears an 8.

He always wears an 8.

Yes.

How would you like a nice size 9?

A nice wide hat?

How would you like that?

No, my sweetheart has a

wide hat, only it's black.

Only it's black.

Yes.

Look at that counter right there.

We have more hats right there, miss.

Right here we have some

lovely hunting hats.

Just a minute.

Right here, here we are.

There's nice hunting hat.

You like that?

Oh, yeah, last week my

sweetheart went hunting,

he shot heppawhite.

He shot what?

Heppawhite.

Heppawhite?

Didn't you ever hear of heppawhite?

I never heard of your sweetheart.

Oh, well, a heppawhite is a

bird that flies upside down.

A bird that flies upside down?

Yes.

That's to keep the rain

out of its eyes, I guess.

[GIGGLES]

You're so silly,

keep the rain out of its eyes.

No, he flies upside down

because if a hunter shoots him,

he drops up.

He drops up?

Yes.

If a hunter shoots him,

he drops up?

Yes, well, sure if he drops down,

well then he's killed.

If he drops down,

then he's killed?

Yes.

Well, that's fine.

How do you like this hat?

Here's a nice sailor hat.

Yeah, oh

[GIGGLES]

That reminds me of my cousin.

Your cousin?

You know, my cousin has a

lovely new swimming pool.

Is that so?

Yes, oh we were over there yesterday.

We had more fun.

We were swimming and diving.

Swimming and diving.

Yes.

Believe me, that is a lot of fun.

Yes, and it'll even be better tomorrow

when they put water in it.

Water in it?

Yes.

Here's a nice hat.

A nice derby.

How do you like this?

Ye, oh, you look like

my neighbor, Jim Jones,

before he died.

Looks good on me.

Yes.

Like Jim Jones before he died.

Yeah

What did he die from?

Oh, well, I don't know what he died

Oh, it was nothing serious.

Nothing serious.

No.

Look, we have more hats over there.

Let's play over there a little bit.

Right this way.

This is my idea of a

very very lovely hat.

Do you like this?

You look like a cowboy.

A cowboy?

My brother has a ranch.

A ranch?

Well, what does he do,

go around fixing things with it?

No, a ranch, not a wrench.

Sheep, a herd of sheep.

Oh, sure sure.

Oh sure what?

I heard of sheep.

That's it, when you can't

sleep at night, you count sheep.

Yes, I couldn't sleep last night.

Did you try counting sheep?

Oh, no, my mother wouldn't

let them in the house.

Your mother wouldn't

let them in the house.

Oh, no.

Well, all right then.

Here we are.

There is a lovely hat.

Do you like this?

Now you look like my father.

Your father?

Yes, say, my father plays

a grand game of bridge.

Your father plays bridge?

Yes, I have a bridge date

tonight at 7.

Why don't you wait until 9

so we'll both jump off?

Yeah, oh

[GIGGLES]

You say the cutest things.

I think I do.

Do you play bridge?

Do I play bridge?

Oh, yes.

Do you play

auction bridge or contract?

London

Oh, do you?

My brother plays a good

game of London bridge.

Your brother plays London bridge.

Yes.

Well, sometime when I'm busy,

have him come over and

I won't play with him.

Yeah, last night I played bridge,

and I bid 21 spades and made it.

21 spades and made it?

Of course I played five hands.

You played five hands.

Yes.

Well, look, I'm getting very tired.

Please sit down right here,

and I'm gonna show you

some lovely little models.

Now this is my idea of a

very lovely summer number.

[GIGGLES]

You look like my sweetheart's brother,

who was arrested.

Arrested for what?

Yeah, he was arrested for stealing.

For stealing?

Yeah, the judge fined him $25,

but he only had $15.

Well, what did he do?

Well, the judge told him

to go out and

steal ten more dollars.

Steal ten more dollars.

Well, here's a lovely hat.

How do ya like this hat?

This is a smart little hat,

do you like it?

Oh no, I don't like that.

This'll fit him like a glove.

Yeah, that's why I don't like it.

That's why you don't like it.

Anything you don't like,

you don't have to buy.

Here's a nice little waterproof number.

A little summer number.

Do you like it?

Oh yeah, say,

you know my brother went

in swimming yesterday.

He stayed under the water six hours.

Six hours?

If you stay under the water

five minutes, you die.

I know, he found that out.

He found that out.

Well, here's a lovely hat.

How do you like this?

Does your sweetheart wear glasses?

Yes.

Well, this'll look very good on him

because I wear glasses,

and it don't look good on me.

Have you glasses?

Have I glasses?

I have three pairs.

Have you?

One pair for outdoor,

one pair for indoor,

and one pair to look

for the other two pairs.

Oh, how do you like this hat?

How do you like this hat?

Come here, I'm selling you.

You're not selling me.

How do you like this hat?

It's a golfing hat.

Do you like this?

Oh golfing.

Say, I seen where Bobby Jones

is gonna be arrested

for killing his father.

Arrested for killing his father?

Yeah, I read it in the paper.

What did you read?

It said Bobby Jones shoots pa.

Bobby Jones shoots pa.

Yes.

Well, how do you like this hat,

that's a smart hat.

No, it's too big.

It's too big, all right then.

How do you like this hat?

No, it's too small.

It's small,

how do you like this hat?

No, it's too tall.

It's too tall,

how do you like this?

No, I don't like it,

it looks like a hat.

Looks like a hat,

how do you like this?

No.

How do you like this?

No.

Just a minute.

I've tried on every hat in the store.

There's only one way we

can please your sweetheart.

Bring him in the store and we fit him.

Bring him in?

Well, he's been sitting

there all the time.

He's been sitting here.

Well, of course.

Is that your sweetheart?

Oh, come on, baby.

They can't fit you here.

I knew it was just an umbrella store.

That's what I told you

in the first place.

Let's go down the street.

I know a place down the

street that'll help you.