Women of the Prehistoric Planet (1966) - full transcript

- ♪ In the not-too-distant future ♪

♪ Next Sunday A.D.

♪ There was a guy named Joel

♪ Not too different from you or me ♪

♪ He worked at Gizmonic Institute ♪

♪ Just another face in a red jumpsuit ♪

♪ He did a good job cleaning up the place ♪

♪ But his bosses didn't like him ♪

♪ So they shot him into space

♪ We'll send him cheesy movies

♪ The worst we can find



♪ La-la-la

♪ He'll have to sit and watch them all ♪

♪ And we'll monitor his mind

♪ La-la-la

♪ Now keep in mind Joel can't control ♪

♪ Where the movies begin or end ♪

♪ La-la-la

♪ Because he used those special parts ♪

♪ To make his robot friends

♪ Robot Roll Call - All right, let's go!

♪ Cambot - Pan left!

♪ Gypsy - Hi, girl!

♪ Tom Servo - What a cool guy!

♪ Croooow - He's a wisecracker.



♪ If you're wondering how he eats and breathes ♪

♪ and other science facts

♪ La la la

♪ Then repeat to yourself, it's just a show ♪

♪ I should really just relax

♪ For Mystery Science Theater 3000 ♪

(guitar twangs)

(mechanical whirring) (doors closing)

- [Magic Voice] 30 seconds to commercial sign.

- Hi everybody, welcome to the Satellite of Love.

I'm Joel, I'm still trapped in outer space

and still trying to maintain my sunny disposition.

As you can see, I've redecorated the Satellite of Love,

so if I ever do make it off this satellite

and get back to Earth, I can do talk show panels.

- [Magic Voice] Commercial sign in 15 seconds.

- Crow made this batch of brownies here

and we're gonna be enjoying those.

We ran out of milk, though.

I'll have to use Tang. - Ick.

- To drink with them.

- [Magic Voice] Commercial sign in five, four, three, two,

commercial sign now.

- Don't go away, we'll be right back.

If you do have to go away,

just come back in a couple of minutes.

My guests will be Tom Servo and the Amazing Crow.

(instrumental theme music)

Oh man, Crow, those were great brownies

but we haven't had brownie fixings around here

for a long time.

What were they?

- Uh, uh hey, is that a new jumpsuit, Joel?

- Oh, we got the scientists calling, look oppressed.

- Whew.

- Come in Joel, my little bagel with a shmear.

(chuckling)

- Hey sirs, what's up?

- Our income if this new gig works out.

- Yes, Larry and I have developed a new chain

of fast food restaurants with very low overhead

because we don't cook our food.

- 'Cause frying and broiling

takes out a lot of the nutrients.

- Yes, if your body likes another body,

why don't you try one of our burgers au natural?

It's ripped from the bone to your plate in seconds.

It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn.

(chuckles)

Make with the lyrics, Lar.

♪ If you're tired of the same old fare ♪

♪ You got a friend in Clay and Lar ♪

♪ Our meat is guaranteed rare

♪ Because we don't cook it

- You see, cooking takes out all the flavor.

♪ If you're tired of cookin' at home ♪

♪ Try our meat right off the bone ♪

♪ If you listen, you can hear it moan ♪

♪ Because we don't cook it

- Stunned, killed right at your table,

eviscerated very fresh.

♪ Now there's no need for you to drive through ♪

♪ Our fresh meat'll walk out to you ♪

♪ You'll say hi, he'll say moo

♪ It's Clay and Lar's Flesh Barn ♪

- 15 locations to serve you, now in Altoona.

- Oh well, what I have this week is

I just got kinda bored in the bathroom and I made this.

As you can see, it's a,

built a roll of toilet paper in a two-liter bottle.

What do you think, sirs?

- Great. - Yeah.

- You could use it for a Molotov cocktail or something.

- Aw, you guys twist everything.

You could have made tiddlywinks evil!

- [Both] Thank you!

- Well your film this week, Joel, is a little number

called Women of the Prehistoric Planet.

There's really no reason for it, it just is what it is.

Deal with it, muskie-breath.

- Enjoy!

(alarms blaring)

- Oh, we got movie sign! (yelling)

(mechanical whirring)

(dramatic music)

- [Joel] I still think that toilet paper was a good idea.

- [Tom] I just don't understand.

- [Joel] Women of the Prehistoric Planet,

my sister saw this in junior high.

All the boys had to go into the gym.

- [Tom] Wendell Corey, man among men.

- [Joel] John Agar!

- [Tom] We wish you a Merry Anders.

Kam Tong, Kam Tong races.

- [Joel] You are here.

Uh, what's that, Servo?

- [Tom] I think it's the creamy nougat center

of the Milky Way galaxy.

There's the caramel constellation.

- [Crow] It's so beautiful.

Looks like crud on a windshield.

- [Tom] The cosmic sneeze.

- [Crow] That's beautiful.

Hey look, it's a Lady Remington.

- [Joel] Looks like tinfoil.

- [Tom] It's a steam iron.

- [Crow] Ah, it's a biscuit warmer.

- [Joel] A chrome watermelon.

- [Tom] It's a metal football.

- [Joel] It's one of Gallagher's hats.

- [Tom] It's any piece of alternative reality

we choose it to be,

- [Joel] That's no alternative piece of reality,

that's a battle station!

- Make an entry in the log book.

- [Joel] A big one.

- On this day, we, Command Ship Cosmos One...

- [Joel] You know, he must hit his head

on that beam all the time.

- Six months, 18 days...

- [Tom] Probably doesn't even feel it anymore.

- Cosmos Two and Three are following

at three-month intervals, as programmed.

- [Tom] Looks like a great big Erector set.

- We continue, homeward bound, without incident.

- [Crow] Talking to ourselves.

- Well Doc, you better dust off your dress uniform.

- [Joel] The strapless one?

- Commander, you've been saying that

for the past six months.

- [Tom] That's the biggest Pop-o-matic bubble

I think I've ever seen.

- [Crow] I think it looks like

a big Joe Namath popcorn popper.

- Positive.

- [Joel] That's the biggest guitar I've ever seen,

built right into the wall behind them.

- Might as well be a year.

That's how long it seems since we left Centaurus.

- [Tom] Thanks for the exposition.

- One month and 12 days Commander Scott just mentioned.

Is that our time here in space, or time at home?

- [Crow] Uh, you're new here, aren't you, Elvis?

- About six years back home.

- Six more years.

Brother.

- [Joel] Thank you, Colonel.

- You know something, sir?

We've been gone so long, my kid brother

is now 30 years older than me.

Is that crazy?

- That's what happens when you travel at near-optic speeds.

- [Tom] It's kooky, Colonel.

- I suppose in some ways it is crazy.

- Imagine what would happen

if a married guy came home after five years

and found his wife was an old woman.

- [Crow] Oh, I don't even wanna think about that.

- [Joel] That's not funny, corporal.

- That's why married men can't qualify

for cosmic expeditions, sergeant.

(beeping)

Distress signal from Cosmos Three!

- You have their coordinates, Mr. Scott.

Try to get an accurate fix on their position.

- [Tom] I'll work on getting these chicks hatched.

- - Communications, King.

- [Joel] Communications queen, come in.

- Yes sir, clearing all channels.

- [Crow] Yes, your highn-ass.

- I have a fix on Cosmos Three, admiral.

- [Joel] How do you bar chord again?

- They're here in the Solaris star system.

- [Crow] They're over by E-minor, or C-sharp.

- That could be a dangerous area to be off-course.

Solaris is a new star, surrounded by numerous planets

and a great deal of cosmic gas.

- [Tom] Must be from the cosmic chili.

- Those gas clouds at full acceleration,

they'll burn up in an instant.

- [Crow] And we'll be there to watch!

- Communications, anything from Cosmos Three?

- Nothing yet, admiral.

We have all channels wide open.

- Try to contact them, I'll be right in.

Sergeant, reduce speed one-eight.

- [Crow] And try to pretend that meant something.

- No sense in getting,

we've got between us (mumbles) possible.

- [Tom] What?

- [Joel] We've got between our ears.

- Prepare to reduce programmed acceleration by one-eight.

- [Joel] Think they're gonna be the comic relief?

I just got a feeling.

- Did you hear what I heard, Mr. Bradley?

We're reducing speed.

- I heard.

- [Tom] They're pretty well-groomed

for having been in space for so long.

- Not with Scott navigating.

He knows where we were, where we are

and where we're going to be at any given moment,

past, present or future.

- [Crow] And all from the horoscope charts

he got from Nancy Reagan.

- I'll check it out, stand by, chief.

- [Computer] Activate maneuver.

- Don't tell me he's thinking of turning back.

- [Joel] Uh, he's thinking of turning back.

- What would you do?

- [Joel] Turn back.

- There's 20 people and a valuable cargo

of gravitite aboard that ship.

There is responsibility.

- Correction, Doc.

There are 12 men and a cargo aboard the Cosmos Three.

The rest are Centaurians.

- [Doc] Oh, yes, yes.

- [Joel] All wearing dickies.

- You don't consider Centaurians people, do you Scott?

- I don't think we should put

so much trust in 'em, that's all.

- [Crow] Let's lock 'em all in relocation camps.

- [Joel] Hey, Pink Lady.

- [Admiral King] These Centaurians

once had a very high culture, Scott.

- [Tom] And Jeff.

- They could again with our help.

- You sound exactly like the admiral.

- [Crow] And you sound like Archie Bunker.

- Your sense of values have changed.

- A deep space colony can't always live by

the standards we do back home.

- Admiral King's theory of cosmic colonization.

- [Joel] Is that a Ray Stevens song?

- It's a required reading at the academy, Dr. Farrell.

- Commander, if you try getting to know the admiral,

you might discover he's quite a remarkable man.

- [Joel] And really quite stunning, when you think about it.

- I've been with him on Centaurus for the past three years.

- [Joel] La dee dah.

- I think I know him pretty well.

- [Joel] And you're no Jack Kennedy, Senator!

- I believe I know him better.

- [Crow] Yeah, well my dad can beat up your dad.

- Cosmos Three, Command Ship One to Cosmos Three.

- [Joel] Disinflating Annette's hair, starting on my mark.

- If you are receiving, please acknowledge.

- Shall we keep trying, sir?

- Cosmos Three, this is Admiral King.

If you are receiving, please advise Captain Ross

that he's off-course and approaching a dangerous area.

Repeat, your present course

will take you into a danger zone.

- [Joel] Watts.

- Keep trying.

Repeat the same message, on all channels.

- [Crow] In your voice, sir?

- Admiral King, do you think something has happened to them?

- We don't know yet, Linda.

- I have friends aboard the Cosmos Three.

I am afraid for them.

- We all have friends on Cosmos Three.

We're all deeply concerned.

- [Joel] So concerned that I felt compelled to touch you.

- Cosmos Fleet Command Ship One to Cosmos Three.

- [Tom] Pigs in space!

- [Cosmos One] Cosmos One to Cosmos Three.

- [Joel] They're dead.

- [Cosmos One] If you can transmit, please acknowledge.

- Tang, you've got to listen to me. Both of you.

Put away those guns, it'll soon be too late!

- No.

- [Crow] No way, old man.

- Can't you understand, this ship is out of control!

Unless you release those men in the maneuvering room,

we're going nowhere but to our deaths!

- They're trying to trick us.

- I am not trying to--

(punch landing)

- You, Lieutenant Anderson.

You will take us back to Centaurus.

- You stupid fools!

- [Joel] It's pronounced Megtaurus.

- He said the Centaurians couldn't be trusted.

- Tang, what are you doing?

- [Joel] Think of us as Klingons without the cling.

- We're getting back to Centaurus.

- Tang, this is treasonous, do--

- Very strong magnetic field, sir.

We're locked in.

- It's one of the planets of Solaris.

We've entered its field of gravity.

- Activate the decelerator, sergeant.

- What does it mean, captain?

- It's no use.

It means that we're doomed to crash into that planet

unless I can regain control of the maneuvering room.

- [All] Not again!

- [Tom] And that playground ball's a threat too.

- Then we shall crash.

It is better that we die than be your slaves.

- We have never treated you as a slave.

- [Crow] Yeah, what about that one time?

- The captain knows what it's about--

(punches landing)

- [Tom] We're gonna crash into a Universal picture!

(instrumental theme music)

(whirring)

- [Joel] Fakey.

- [All] Fakey.

Real.

- [Joel] Dead guy.

- [All] Fakey.

Real.

- [Tom] Real fakey.

- [Joel] Fake guys.

Filmed on location in Tommy Ronick's front yard.

(splashing)

(dramatic music)

- [Tom] They're hammered.

- [Joel] And the chicks are dead.

- What do you suppose happened to them, admiral?

- [Crow] Ah, they probably crashed in Tommy's front yard.

- Cosmic clouds.

- [Joel] Yellow moons, pink hearts, all that stuff.

- It shouldn't.

- I wonder how they got so far off-course.

I mean, it's impossible they didn't know.

- No question about it, admiral.

They're grounded on one of the inner planets of Solaris.

- [Joel] Yikes.

- Communications, anything coming in?

- No, admiral, nothing but the homing signal.

- Any reply from command headquarters?

- Nothing yet, admiral.

- Keep me informed.

- [Crow] Well, that's not gonna be easy.

You're kind of a muttonhead.

(beeping)

- The admiral is really upset, isn't he?

- [Joel] Hmm, yeah.

- It's the first ship he's ever lost.

- [Tom] Lost his keys a few times, but never the whole ship.

- Do you think he will turn back?

- [Joel] Probably.

- If command'll let him, he will.

- I don't think so, we're too close to home.

- You know we'll never get there.

It is just a wishful dream.

- I know what you mean, honey.

- [Crow] Uh-oh.

Moron patrol.

- This isn't exactly what I call a pleasure party.

- Well it could be, sugar, if you'd let yourself go.

- Well, well, the wolf of outer space.

And who let you out of your darkened den?

- Now be kind to me, ladies.

Don't forget that I'm your ingenious engineer,

the master of the maneuvering room

and the activator of your gravity.

- [Tom] Not to mention a flatulating butthead.

- Here we go again.

Well I suppose we are grateful

for all these amazing services, Mr. Bradley.

- Lieutenant, you just allow this sweet thing

a few moments' liberty with your little star mate

and well, I'll consider you all paid in full.

- [Joel] He's done everything but insult the Centaurian.

- Now Lieutenant, there's no reason

for you to treat me like a common old Centaurian.

- [All] Oops.

- Hey Linda, I'm sorry.

You know I didn't mean anything by what I said.

You know me, I could light up a whole room.

(laughing)

Just by walking out.

- [All] Yay. (clapping)

- Forget it, Linda, he didn't mean it.

- You know, she's right.

I mean, Lieutenant Bradley's crazy about you.

- [Crow] Hey, check out those space-age lockers.

- You know that.

- Yes, I know.

But I wonder if your people really can accept us, Karen.

- Listen Linda, you have an exciting

new life ahead of you.

Don't worry about being accepted.

- [Tom] 'Cause you won't be.

- When you get around to all those young cadets

at the academy, you'll forget all about Centaurus,

those years in the colonies and people with narrow minds.

- [Crow] Among other things.

- You know, I've barely ever seen

a boy of my own age.

- [Joel] I'm resetting the controls

so they crash into the prehistoric planet.

- Command headquarters!

(beeping)

- [Crow] Do I look good up here?

- The reply from Space Command, Mr. Scott.

- [Joel] It says, "Do not tear, spindle or mutilate!"

- Communique from headquarters, admiral.

- [Joel] Looks like your agent's

not gonna get you outta this one.

- No other communications can be established,

it must be assumed that Cosmos Three has crashed,

killing all crew members and passengers.

- [Joel] He's right.

- We regret your request to return to star system Solaris

to search for survivors must be denied.

Continue on course as programmed.

- [Joel] Signed, Zippy the chimp.

- [Tom] Huh?

- It would have been a futile effort, admiral.

- We will reverse our course, Mr. Scott.

Program a flight plan to take us to Solaris.

- But sir, the request has been

denied by Command headquarters.

- I'm the commander of this fleet.

All the passengers and crewmen on these ships

are my responsibility as long as we are in deep space.

We are still in space.

- [Crow] Well, they're in deep something.

- Is that clear, Mr. Scott?

- [Joel] Hold me. - Yes, sir.

- Send a communique to Command headquarters

to that effect immediately.

- Evans, stand by to reverse course.

Horizontal maneuver. - Yes, sir.

- [Joel] That's how he got that job.

- Maneuvering room, this is Control.

Stand by horixontal activators, we're changing course.

- [Crow] And beam up more Dep.

- Maneuvering room standing by.

- I'll talk to you later, sugar.

- [Joel] I just made out on the phone, this is great!

- What is all this, Mr. Bradley?

First we slow down to a walk.

- [Joel] It's a control panel, you should know that.

- Looks like we're going back, chief.

- You mean Space Command okayed the old man's request?

- Well if they didn't,

he's sure gonna catch it when we do get home.

- Maneuvering room from Control.

New course is one-seven-five degrees on horizontal plane.

- One-seven-five horizontal.

(switches clicking)

- Programmed.

- [Tom] That's all you have to do?

- Set automatic pilot on Cosmos Three's homing beam

for three months' cruising, full acceleration.

- Three months?

Yes, sir.

- [Joel] I got this Snoopy ruler for free.

What do you think, Tom?

Anybody?

- [Tom] People always seem to comfort her.

(dramatic music)

- [Crow] Even our name says Merry Christmas.

- [Crow] Gilligan!

- [Tom] Skipper!

- [Crow] Gilligan!

- [Tom] Skipper!

- [Crow] Mary Anne!

- [Tom] Ginger!

Thurston?

- [Crow] Lovey?

- [Tom] Wrong-way?

- [Crow] Japanese guy!

Hey, the mummy's getting better.

- We'll stop here for the night.

At least it's dry ground.

- [Crow] Yeah, rest here, maybe we can find your scalp.

Hey, here's some mossy lichen.

We could make a wig out of it for ya.

- Don't touch me!

I told you to stay away from me.

- I only want to help you, lieutenant.

You need help.

- [Joel] Yeah, but you put my arm in a sling

and it doesn't even hurt.

- None of us would need any help.

- I'm sorry for what has happened, but I didn't rebel.

- Jang was your brother, what's the difference?

- Jang thinks for himself.

I am not responsible.

- You're all alike.

You take everything from us and you give nothing.

I hate all of you.

- But Sally, we were friends only a few hours ago,

- [Tom] I'm Johnny Longtorso.

Can I be of any help here?

- Leave me alone, please!

- [Crow] Maybe this isn't a good time,

but could you launder my pants?

- No, Zenda, I don't hate you but...

- But you wish you'd never heard of Centaurus.

- I didn't say that.

- [Joel] Let's just say that I don't hate you.

I'm not gonna call you for racquetball,

if that's what you mean.

I wonder what she wanted.

- [Tom] Here's my card, Johnny Longtorso.

- Here, Sally.

- [Joel] It's Pez.

Make you feel better.

- It'll kill the pain.

- [Crow] And here, it's my Motorman's Helper.

- [Joel] Finish it!

- I wish I could do more.

I wish I were a doctor.

- [Joel] I wish I were a pixie, but let's get real.

- You wished for her and you got her.

What did I get, nothing.

Well I'm gonna try wishing.

I wish I was dead!

- [Tom] That can be arranged.

- We're gonna be all right.

Admiral King'll come back for us.

Cosmos One's probably on its way here this very minute.

- [Tom] And hey, you got a sling outta the deal

and it's a pretty neat one.

- Even if they know where we are.

Command headquarters will never let him turn back.

- [Joel] We're too annoying for anyone

to consider picking us up, it's over.

- I know Admiral King too,

Anyway, we've got to hope, Sally.

- [Crow] Nice speech, now can I get some sleep,

for goodness sake?

- [Joel] Nice statue.

Oh, she's real.

- [Tom] Weren't you in Bali H'ai, or Hawaiian Eye?

- You'd better get some rest, Zenda.

We may have a long way to go

before we get out of this jungle.

- Do you really believe they'll be back to look for us?

- Of course I do.

- You're a good man, Charles.

- [Crow] Brown.

- Your faith and courage, even in defeat.

- [Tom] And my feet look like hell right now.

- We're still alive.

Tomorrow we should be able to reach the foothills.

It's safer there.

- [Joel] If I read my script correctly, that is.

- We can still live on this planet,

if we just trust each other.

- [Tom] We can play boobly-oobly for years,

and the banana will stick.

- [Joel] Oh, we better get out of here.

- [Crow] Wonder what she wanted.

(mechanical whirring) (doors closing)

- Joel, this is your life!

(applauding)

you were an ambitious young man and began your life in space

as a custodian for Gizmonic Institute.

Do you remember this voice?

- [Crow] There's an unidentified satellite

straying into our orbital path!

- Oh, well that's easy, it's my old friend Crow.

I think he's talking about the time we partied

with the fellas from Salyut Seven.

(grunting)

- Joel, Joel, help!

Big satellite, big, death,

danger, wreckage, ouch!

Thing, pain.

Hey, where did this couch come from anyway?

- I found it in one of the crates down in the loading bay.

I thought I'd redecorate.

What's this about a death satellite?

- Oh yeah.

A big, big death satellite.

Oh, big.

Pain, look, run.

Help, help.

- Just settle down, come up here.

Come on up here and sit down.

Tell me all about it, okay, just take a few deep breaths.

That's all right.

(breathing deeply)

- Well, there's a big satellite out there

and we're gonna collide with it.

- What!?

- Ow! (clattering)

- Cambot, give me an exterior of the ship, quick!

Jeepers!

- [Crow] What's goin' on?

- Get behind the couch, you two.

The redcoats are coming.

All right, little death satellite.

Joely's got the exo-pincers on

and he's nobody's sweetheart.

You and me, going round and round, mano y mano.

Here comes lunch.

Gimme the exo.

That's right, little doomsday machine.

Come to papa, feel my steel.

Hah hah hah.

Now to bring it inside.

Cambot, gimme the interior shot.

- Do you have to bring everything you find in space

into the living room?

- Sure looks like a doomsday device, all right.

Joel, are we up a creek here?

- It's a doomsday machine, all right, and I think

I accidentally activated its self-destruct mechanism.

I'd say we have roughly an hour to disarm this thing.

- [Satellite] Correction, you have an hour and 37 minutes

to disarm and yes, you are up a creek.

- Oh, golly.

And we got commercial sign on top of everything!

(instrumental theme music)

We gotta disarm that satellite, you two,

or this is serious.

- [Tom] Going down for the count.

- [Crow] That was no boating accident!

- [Tom] I'm sorry I had to kill you, Dave,

but you understand, I couldn't let you live.

You see, you knew too much.

- [Joel] It's the Green Hornet.

- [Crow] Kato?

(Joel whistling)

- [Crow] You'd think in the future

they'd be able to get hip waders.

- [Tom] Oh, very sneaky.

- [Joel] Hey, he's trying to sneak across the rice paper.

- [Crow] If only I could get to my utility belt.

(Crow growls)

- [Tom] Smooth.

- [Crow] I'll take that, Mr. Bond.

- What are you trying to do?

- Someone's out there.

- [Joel] Who could be out there--

Huh?

- [Tom] Take that, Mr. Moto!

Nerts to you, Confucius.

- [Joel] Bring the car around...

Kato.

- You will not take us back!

- [Crow] Strange way for lodge brothers to greet each other.

- [Tom] Don't just do something, stand there!

- [Crow] Tiny bubbles in my larynx!

(Tom imitates choking)

- [Joel] I'm not on either side, oop.

- [Tom] Kill your brother, it's the only way

to reinforce the director's white male reality.

Take the shot, come on!

(gun firing)

- [Joel] Mom always did like you best.

- [Crow] Gee, I...

I missed.

- [Joel] I know you just shot your brother,

but why don't you just come over here

and love me a little bit?

Yeah.

Hey, help me.

- [Tom] Meanwhile, at the ocarina.

- 10,000 miles, sir.

- Plot speed miles, five miles per second.

Alright, Alan, check gravitation compensators

for an altitude of 50 miles.

Decelerate to zero velocity.

- DC 50 miles, zero velocity.

500.

- [Joel] 500 what?

- 300.

- [Joel] What?

- 200.

- [Joel] Stop teasing me.

- [Alan] 150.

100.

- [Crow] Sold.

- 75.

60, 55.

50.

- [Crow] And so on and so on.

- Stationary orbit, sir.

- 50 miles and locked in, sir.

- Very good, Mr. Scott.

- [Tom] Told you he'd like it.

- [Joel] Hey, Picture Picture.

- Could you join me on the observation deck, please?

- [Crow] He asked me, he asked me!

- [Joel] Just let me slip my dance belt on.

- We've finally arrived.

- Did you have any doubts, doctor?

- About reaching Solaris?

No.

- [Tom] Let's see, looks like a hairline fracture.

- What about finding any of them still alive, Dr. Farrell?

- Well, there's always a chance.

- Not a very good chance, I believe.

- [Crow] Oh what do you know?

- Yes, the facts do indicate that this planet

has an unpleasant environment, but not necessarily hostile.

It has a carbon water oxygen system.

- [Joel] Sounds kinda like a Slurpee.

(speaking foreign language)

- [Crow] Hmm?

- Jung has calculated that for the past

three months while we've been traveling,

18 years have gone by on the planet.

- [Tom] That means it'll be legal to date my girlfriend now.

- [Joel] My CDs should be rolling over just about now.

- I believe our admiral will not give up

until he has definite proof there are no survivors.

- [Crow] He's gonna get sleeves someday.

- It'll probably cost him his command.

- Once there were such leaders on Centaurus.

- If the admiral has his way, there will be again.

He's determined to prove that

Centaurus can rebuild its culture.

- [Joel] What a kiss-up.

- Well, I'd say that Linda is

a brilliant example of what can be done.

- [Crow] Through bizarre experimentation.

- When she was removed to the colony, the others were not.

- What are you trying to tell me, Jung?

- [Tom] I abhor you, round-eye, and all your ways.

- A people will change their ways

only if they wish to do so.

A man may be removed from the land.

- [Crow] Wait, wait, let me get a pencil here.

- But it is difficult to remove the land from the man.

- [All] And you can't remove the land from the man,

the chalice from the palace has the brew that is true.

- [Tom] The flagon with the dragon

has the pellet with the poison.

- It's such a beautiful planet.

- [Joel] Hey, settle down, it's just a painting.

- So clean and peaceful.

- It won't be so peaceful down there.

- [Tom] Yeah, the grass is always greener

on the other side of the galaxy.

- [King] You can't trust young planets.

- What do you mean, admiral?

- [Joel] They're lazy and they listen to loud music.

- Including things completely unnoticed.

- Hasn't this planet ever been explored?

- [King] Not according to our galactic records.

- [Crow] But then I couldn't read 'em

'cause I spilled coffee on 'em.

- No sign of life of any kind, admiral.

Human or otherwise.

- Creatures on these planets are deceiving.

Even on the ground, you can't always trust what you see.

- [Joel] Bill, how do you fight your panty line?

- [Crow] Huh?

Oh, that's man talk.

We'll never understand it.

- 18 years is a long time.

And they couldn't have picked a worse place to crash.

- [Crow] He says that like there's a good place to crash.

- Certainly a botanist's paradise.

- [Joel] I hate to tell you this, Phil,

but all your aquarium fish are dead.

- About five million years ago.

Doctor, could man exist in that environment?

- Probably.

- [Tom] Let's all speak in broken sentences.

- I think it would be mostly combating the elements,

defending himself from who-knows-what.

There could be some rather ferocious beasts

roaming about that terrain.

- [Crow] Are the scenes just as static

down on the planet, Bill?

- Inform them we are going to make a landing on this planet.

- [Tom] Use the good stationery.

- [Joel] Yep.

- That big canyon.

- [Joel] Uh-huh.

- Beyond the jungle.

- [Joel] Yeah, I see it.

- That's your landing site.

- [Tom] Oh.

- Sergeant Alan.

- [Joel] Yep?

Gotcha.

Who should I tell these orders to?

- Attention all personnel.

Landing stations.

Stand by gravitators.

- Maneuvering room, stand by gravitators.

- Manuevering room ready and standing by.

- [Tom] Thanks, Angel.

- I hate to say it, lieutenant, but I got a feeling

the old man's got a bad case of cosmic fever.

- [Crow] Well I've got some salve in my footlocker.

- Where's your spirit of adventure, chief?

I thought you loved this life.

- Spirit I've got, adventure I've had.

Love, I was looking forward to.

- I know what you mean, chief.

Look at the words of that great planeteering prophet.

- Yeah, what'd he say?

- He said, "Let them that don't want none

"have memories of..."

Forget it.

(laughing)

- [Joel] Great prophet, hope you didn't get any of that

tattooed anyplace important.

- [Tom] Hey, I see a spot, let's pull up over there.

(eerie humming)

(instrumental theme music)

- All right, let's take a break.

Go easy on the water.

- [Joel] It eliminates rest stops.

- Everyone take one oxygenian tablet.

No more.

- [Crow] I didn't say Simon Says.

- Like breathing underwater, hot water.

- You'll get used to it.

- [Tom] It's like being in the crew's quarters.

- Imagine having to live in an inferno like this.

- It's probably not too bad up in the highlands.

- This planet's not too unlike Centaurus.

- [Joel] Apart from the fact that it's completely different.

- I imagine the Centaurians could adapt

to this planet very easily.

- With all this vegetation?

No, they like the deserts, doc.

You give them barren, windswept oceans of sand--

- [All] Shut up!

- Say, doc.

- [Crow] Do you think I'll be offed first?

- I mean, Mr. Farrell.

Old Jung says that in the three months it took us

to get back to this planet, 18 years passed by here.

How does he figure that?

- [Joel] He was kidding!

- I told you half a dozen times, it's the time paradox.

What's the matter with you?

- [Joel] Oh yeah, I missed that day.

- I still don't see it.

- It's a matter of reference points.

- [Crow] Ah, it's too complicated for you, bonehead.

- On our ship we were traveling at one speed.

This planet travels at another.

- You get it, kid?

For three months, we've been barreling along

at near the speed of light.

- Yeah, yeah, I know that.

But I--

- Look, look.

This planet rotates on its axis at only 1,000 miles an hour.

Now that speed determines the length

of the day, the month and the year here.

- We gettin' through?

- [Tom] Why don't you come up to my room tonight

and I'll explain it to you?

- Look, at the speed we were traveling in space

for three months, that was the equivalent of 6,500--

- [Joel] La la la la la, can't hear you.

La la la la la la la.

- Yeah, sure.

That's simple.

It's just a matter of reference points.

Anybody can see that.

- [Crow] He's bluffing.

- [Tom] He's a twit.

- See anything?

- A few birds.

Nothing else.

What do you expect to see, a welcoming committee?

- Don't get funny.

- [Tom] Don't worry, he won't.

- You hear something, chief?

- [Joel] I don't think it's the welcoming committee.

- Something walking around up there.

- [Crow] Something big.

- Don't anybody move.

- [Tom] Oh my god, it's an insert shot of an iguana!

- [Joel] Their technology must be light years ahead of ours!

Their use of stock footage is amazing!

Oh great, that's your answer to everything.

- [Crow] How do you like your lizard done, boys?

- [Tom] I never knew lizards were so darn flammable.

- [Joel] No thunder lizards were hurt

during the filming of this film.

- [Crow] Mmm, extra crispy.

- Dried out?

- [Tom] Sure, can I go change now?

- Yeah, I think so.

- [Tom] I soiled myself.

- What is it, Alan?

- I can't find a heartbeat.

- Nothing like a little adventure, eh lieutenant?

- [Joel] Try lower.

- Set up a beamer here.

- [Joel] BMW?

- Cosmos One, this is Scott.

Do you receive me?

- [Crow] Gutless One, we read you.

- We're receiving you, commander.

Stevens standing by.

- Ensign, inform the admiral that I advise

no one be allowed to leave the ship

without being well-armed.

- Scott, this is King.

- [Tom] Are you speaking into a Water Pik?

- We've encountered one of those

deceptive creatures you mentioned, a giant lizard.

It's been destroyed but I'm sure

there are others in this area.

We're about halfway to the crash site now, admiral.

I'll leave a beamer at this location.

That's all, sir.

- Very well, Mr. Scott.

Carry on and keep a sharp watch.

Don't want to be caught with your guard down.

- Yes, sir.

- Very well, Mr. Scott, carry on.

Keep a sharp watch.

You don't want to be caught with your guard down.

- [Joel] Stop doing your Cagney impression,

it's not that great.

- My commanding officer asked for volunteers

for an important expedition.

I thought he meant exhibition.

- [Crow] Yeah, and my uncle's the producer on the film, too.

- All right men, let's move.

And keep a sharp watch.

- [Joel] It's our first Christmas on the planet

and you've been just grand.

We'd better go be with the others now.

- If that's where they grow lizards around here,

I'd hate to run into a snake.

- [Joel] Good one.

- [Tom] There's a well on the ship.

(admiral mumbling)

- [Joel] What?

- Sorry men, your liberty's canceled.

No one is to leave the ship under any circumstances.

- Have the located the Cosmos Three, sir?

- Not yet.

- Well there goes the ball game, huh?

- They must have run into trouble out there.

- I wish I was with 'em.

- Anything would be better than being stuck in

this king-sized community capsule.

- [Crow] Oh, you.

- Admiral King!

Linda is out of the ship.

- Are you sure?

- She said she wished to breathe the fresh air,

and feel the warm of the sun.

- [Tom] Just tell me where she went, Hemingway, come on.

- She's been dying to get off this ship

ever since we landed.

- [Crow] Will it help if I strike a pose right here?

- Harris, get my field gear.

- [Joel] And my spare pants.

- Admiral King, you can't take this chance, sir.

If anything should happen to you or Commander Scott,

this ship would never leave this planet.

- [Tom] Yes, you'd be in charge, yes, I realize that.

- Harris, you and Wilson go look for her.

- She's probably near the ship.

- Yes, sir.

- Bring laser rifles with you.

- [Crow] I'll stay here and take more lithium.

- Yes, sir.

- Don't worry, admiral.

We'll find her.

- [Tom] Spin and Marty to the rescue!

- Poor Linda.

She's such a lost child.

- Karen, if anything happens to her,

I'll never forgive myself.

- I understand.

- She's just like her mother.

- [Tom] Oh Ward, the Beaver turned out okay.

- Filled with childlike dreams of another world.

- [Joel] What is he, Anne of Green Gables all of a sudden?

Hey!

- Cannot be changed.

(beeping)

- [Crow] What did he want?

- I didn't know he knew Linda's mother.

I thought she was killed in the Centaurian tribal war.

- It is true, but the admiral knew her long before that.

He made many expeditions into the desert in those years.

- [Crow] Oh wait a minute, wait a minute.

You're describing the plot of Kung-Fu.

- Who was Linda's father?

- [Tom] We better get out of here.

- [Crow] Oh boy.

- [Joel] We gotta disarm that satellite!

- [Crow] Oh yeah, I wanna help.

- [Joel] Let's get going.

(instrumental theme music)

You know, this makes no sense at all.

Whoever heard of a doomsday machine

with a fold-lock top in it?

- Hey, hey Joel, look,

I found a instruction manual right there, see?

- Thanks.

It says Isaac Asimov Literary Doomsday Machine.

It's an instruction manual, must be over 1,000 pages long.

How typical.

- Literary doomsday?

Isn't that when your library fines

exceed the price of the book?

- I thought it was every time Jackie Collins

makes it to the best-seller list.

- Oh, settle down, you goonheads.

We got this doomsday machine to disarm,

and well, we gotta check the manual.

Let's see.

It looks like it's translated from the Korean or something.

- They must have sub-contracted the satellite for him.

- I don't get it, Asimov must have gone mad.

Why would anyone want to make a doomsday machine?

- Well he's probably mad because no one else

is as smart as him, or else that L. Ron Hubbard

has more followers than him.

- Well, didn't Asimov try to establish

the Church of the Super Quiz once?

- Oh knock it off, you spinach-chins.

I gotta read this manual.

Step one, it will be very enjoyable for you to separate

the ocular filter coupling of from the decapacitor

which is stout and yellow, sometimes.

Crow you'd better scan this and give me the instructions.

(high-pitched whirring)

- Got it!

Okay, most very kindly, find the looky switch

which is nice and sitting there

with green label that leaves you singing.

- I think I got it.

- Okay, carefully disregard and do not do

the very wrong thing or much confusion will result.

Tell me about it.

With sparks, flowers and loud report on some models.

Glue Batman to seat G, detail omitted for clarity?

- This is really confusing.

- Who wrote this, Charlie Callas?

- Hey, oh, oh, wait, there's more.

It says clip red wire, likes you best

with firm hand and glad heart.

- Okay.

I think that oughta do it.

- But first, clip the blue wire.

(evil mechanical laughing)

That's what it said.

(alarms blaring)

- Oh man, we got movie sign.

(all yelling)

(mechanical whirring)

- [Joel] (groaning) My eyes.

- [Tom] You got creamed.

You okay?

- [Joel] Say!

(screaming)

Seems like a nice little booger, aah!

- [Crow] Are you chafing like a bear or is it just me?

- I don't know, it sounded like a bird call to me.

- [Crow] Sounded like a girl screaming at a snake.

- [Joel] Hey, the snake pushed her into the river.

- [Tom] Fortunately I have my Johnny Rocket crossbow.

- [Crow] Snake on a stake.

- [Tom] Hey, look what someone threw back.

Cool, this'll look great over the mantel.

I can't believe, this is a keeper.

- [Crow] Hey, watch those hands.

- [Tom] Amazing what you find if you just look.

- [Joel] She'll be perfect for my experiments.

- [Crow] And Quincy will be so proud of me.

- [Joel] Say, this hotel's got everything.

I wonder where the game room is.

- Get a load of this place, will ya?

You're looking at Paradise Island.

- [Joel] I hear ya, pal.

- Also the end of the trail,

unless you're a mountain goat.

- [Joel] Well, I used to be.

- I think we missed her.

- Maybe she's back there someplace.

- Tracks.

She's been right around here someplace.

- [Crow] Like right where these tracks were made?

- Do you think she fell in?

I mean, do Centaurians know how to swim?

- I don't know.

Her boot!

- [Crow] Dibs, dibs!

Let me drink champagne out of it, just to be sure.

- Look at the size of that thing.

- [Joel] Oh, I've seen trees bigger than that.

That's nothing.

- Let's get back to the ship.

Let's go, come on, come on, come on.

- [Tom] We've been pacing this studio for hours.

When do we get some action happening?

- [Crow] Hmm, coconut cream pie, car made out of bamboo,

and a sailor's hat.

What's it all mean?

- All right, let's take five.

- [Tom] One, two, three, four, five.

(laughing) Psych!

- What's the matter, Bradley?

This hike too much for you?

- Oh no doc, I always enjoy a 40-mile walk

on a lovely day like this.

- [Crow] You ever see the movie Alive, donut boy?

- You were 10 pounds overweight.

- Are you kiddin', doc?

I've been on a diet for seven days,

and so far all I lost is a week.

- [Joel] Good one.

- [Tom] And your self-respect, for that joke.

- That's the story of my life.

I'm always volunteering for something.

I remember one time back at headquarters,

I volunteered for a karate course.

They taught me all the hits, the chops,

the head, the neck, the shoulders, the stomach.

The karate kicks, hah!

- [Crow] Who are you, Donald O'Connor?

- Hi-keeba, hah!

- [Tom] You know, I could watch that all day.

Do that again, will ya?

- And after completing the course,

I became a karate expert.

- [Joel] When did he become an idiot?

- I went around breaking boards with my bare hands.

The first time I saluted Admiral King,

I almost knocked my brains out.

- [Crow] Sure you didn't succeed?

- For this, this mission to Centaurus

and look where it got me.

- Like you always told me, lieutenant,

where's your spirit of adventure?

- [Tom] I left it in my other pants.

- That's what makes all of this worthwhile, the adventure.

Day after day, week after week, month after month.

Year after year, oh the sheer thrill of it all.

Perusing the planets, unifying the universe.

Galloping through the galactics.

- [All] Shut up!

- We'd landed our ship in the middle of

the densest part of the jungle.

We were about 200 yards from the ship--

- [Crow] Morty Gunty, appearing this week at

the Blaine Community Theater in Shakespeare's King Lear.

- With fire and flame shooting out of all three nostrils.

Well, I raised my laser gun.

- [Crow] Shut him up.

- But the gun wouldn't work.

It looked like certain death for all of us.

- [Joel] I can't reach his nose.

- I reached back and I grabbed a handful of yours,

and I threw it right in the beast's face and killed it.

- Now, just a minute Red.

You reached back and grabbed a handful of what?

- Yours, a handful of yours.

And I threw it right in his--

- Okay, okay, Bradley, tell me.

What's yours?

- I'll have a three-day pass, sir.

(groaning)

- [Tom] Ba-ba-boom!

(goofy laughing)

- Let's move out, shall we?

- [Crow] He'll be riding in the trunk

on the way back to Earth.

- [Joel] He's a real child of hell.

(dramatic music)

I gotta get a new log out here or somethin'.

(animal squeaking)

- [Crow] Ah Wilma, you're up.

- [Joel] Have you met Steve, my monkey?

- [Tom] You got some flaking there.

Maybe you could use a henna.

- Pretty girl.

- Who are you?

- I am Tang.

- [Tom] I'm not just for breakfast anymore.

- [Joel] That's my favorite drink!

- [Crow] It's short for Australopithecus Africanus.

- I am Centaurian.

- [Joel] Tang is my favorite drink.

- You are Centaurian.

We are safe.

- Well how did you get here, on this planet?

- This is my homeland.

- You were born here.

Your mother was aboard the Cosmos Three.

- [Tom] Hey, your mother swims after troop ships, lady.

- Survivors?

- Yes, your mother and father.

Where are they?

- [Joel] Um, you're wearing them.

- I will take you to them.

- Tang?

- [Crow] Uh, fresh out, but I got catawba juice.

- Clothes wet, you fall in water.

- Oh yes, I remember.

- There was a serpent.

- I killed it, I bring you here.

- [Joel] This hot stick.

- [Tom] You'll like 'em.

Leave the shower curtain here.

- [Crow] Oh, by the way, I did that totem pole

just 'cause I thought I was supposed to.

- [Tom] How much per month for this?

With the damage deposit?

(Linda speaking quietly)

- [Crow] Now, join me in my dance of death.

- [Tom] That's cold.

- It's beautiful.

- Mother.

- [Joel] She's not bad, except for a little

freezer burn right around the edges.

- [Tom] It's Clarence Birdseye.

- Lieutenant Anderson!

He's not a Centaurian.

- My father.

- [Crow] Well, they're no bowling trophies.

- I must tell the admiral about this.

I must go back to the ship that brought me here.

Do you know where the ship is, Tang?

- I know, I take you there.

- [Crow] And then I'll get some pronouns.

Meanwhile, back at the dry ice pool.

(pool bubbling)

- [Tom] Oh, that's just mean.

- Yeah, they could use a spare deodorant.

You rub it on, the smell stays but you disappear.

- [Joel] Good one.

- It's boiling crude oil, commander.

- Boy, what a spot for a steam bath.

- [Joel] Just cross the log and you're in the club.

- Hand me that rope.

- [Tom] You could walk around.

- [Crow] Too easy.

Sure glad the prop boys laid this log out here for us.

- [Tom] If the Wallendas can do it, we can do it.

- He's got more nerve than I thought he had.

- Scott's a good man, Bradley.

- [Joel] He has wonderful bone structure,

great teeth and a darling figure.

- Yeah, but what a miserable place to have to search.

- [Tom] He's right over there.

- A hazardous mission is like a mirror of truth.

When you face it, you see your true self.

- [Crow] Oh shut up, what are you, Confucius?

Just cross the dry ice and shut up!

- Why don't you build a better bridge?

- (chuckling) Wrong kind of engineers.

- [Joel] Uh, you see, we just play with toy trains.

- Frankly, yeah.

- Doc, I don't think Alan better try it.

- [Tom] Might wanna take the slack outta that rope.

- You stay behind.

- [Crow] You little pantywaist.

Boy if that was my kid, I'd whack him.

- I'm okay, doc.

If you can make it, I can.

- Suit yourself.

- He's got it secure, let's go.

- [Joel] He's got tequila?

- [Tom] My blood pressure is just racing.

- [Joel] Why don't they just go around right there?

(shouting)

Don't fall, don't fall.

- [Crow] Jinx, jinx.

- [Tom] Noonan!

- [Joel] Noonan.

- [Crow] Jinx!

(screaming) (all groan)

- [Crow] Hotfoot.

- [Tom] A gainer, yes it is.

- [Joel] Well I guess he's not in the club.

- [Crow] Never did like him anyway.

- You all right?

- Lousy.

That's what this whole mission is.

- [Tom] Can I have his locker?

- What the hell are we trying to prove, anyway?

Searching this stinkin' nowhere planet

for a bunch of survivors that may not exist?

- [Crow] Hey, I got Angelo to think of!

- Take it easy, chief.

- Take it easy?

You watch a man die like that and you say take it easy?

- [Joel] Hey, I thought it was funny.

Why?

- You all right now, chief?

- Yes, sir.

- [Tom] Yeah, thanks for not hitting me.

- Something just happened to me.

Got a little shook, I guess.

- Forget it, chief.

We're all a little shook.

- [Joel] Dickweed.

- We're almost there.

Let's move on.

- [Tom] Jerk.

- Come on, son.

- [Crow] I know how you're feeling.

You see this shoulder?

It's here if you need it.

Idiot.

- [Joel] Now would you go back across the log

and unhook the rope?

- [Tom] That makes me hungry.

- [Joel] Is it primordial soup yet?

- [Crow] Now where did we park?

- [Joel] More of the same.

Oh brother.

- [Tom] Whose line is it?

- [Joel] Somebody.

(talking over each other)

- He's trying to trick me isn't he?

Nobody could have survived this crash.

- Bradley, you and the chief wait here.

We can't be sure what we might find inside.

You with me, doc?

- [Joel] Yeah, you two disposable characters wait here.

- - [Crow] Wow, looks like they turned that ship

into a restaurant.

I love these fern bars.

Looks like an interstellar Denny's.

Great.

- [Joel] Wow, they had more switches than we do.

(gasping)

- [Tom] Did you float an air biscuit or is that me?

- Captain Ross?

- [Crow] Hey, their doggy left all their bones here.

- [Joel] That's the people, you dolt.

- [Crow] Oh.

- [Tom] Nice wallet.

- [Joel] That's his sternum, don't touch it!

- I wanna check every compartment in this ship.

I'm grabbing the chief here.

- [Joel] Huh, it says "Thou shalt not ki--"

- [Crow] Uh, that was in the other show.

- [Tom] It's a Close N' Play

- [Joel] It says, "Ahab was obsessed

"with the Great White One."

It's a well, there's a little girl down there!

- Well, it's the same situation

down in the maneuvering room.

The entire engineering crew.

- [Crow] The maneuvering room?

Don't you mean the bathroom?

- Just like it, too.

- There's one thing that puzzles me, doc.

- [Crow] Fractions.

- One hatch is left standing open.

And looks like some of them have been forced.

- [Tom] Kinda like your characterization.

- Someone else has searched through the ship?

- Yeah, something like that.

- We've accounted for all but five.

- There were five survivors.

- You mean that recorder still works after 18 years?

- [Tom] Yep, it's on eight-track.

- Emergency power pack,

it's as good as the day it was installed.

Listen to this.

- [Recording] Now thete are only three of us.

I don't expect Sergeant Long to last

more than a few days now.

- [Crow] Long won't last long.

- [Recording] Has caused lost of sight in both eyes,

and his brain seems to have been damaged somehow.

I'm also certain that my fever will soon overcome me.

There are no more drugs aboard the ship.

- [Joel] This planet's totally dry, dude.

Don't look to be scorin' nothin' here.

- [Recording] Year one, 74th day.

- That's the last report.

- 74 long days.

Watching the sky, waiting for us.

Waiting for death.

- [Crow] Nice speech, Jim.

- None of us knew it would take us 18 years to get back.

The important thing is, he knew we would.

- Thank god we did.

- You think they might be alive, up in the mountains?

- It's possible.

(loud groaning)

- [Joel] Jim's constipated.

- Hey chief, what's wrong?

(screaming)

- What's wrong with him, doc?

- I don't know.

- [Joel] Why don't you ask him?

- Quick, get back!

- [Tom] Oh my god, how horrible,

to be killed by a plush toy!

- A tarantula.

Don't make amu quick moves.

Doc, keep perfectly still.

Let me have your laser gun.

- Yes, sir.

- [Crow] Kinda late now, isn't it?

- Careful Scott, he sees you.

He can spring that far.

- [Tom] We rigged him that way.

- Look out, he's gonna jump!

(exploding)

- [Tom] The hopping spider of Rylos !V.

- [Joel] Oh, I guess he's really an angel now.

- I think he died more from shock than the poison.

- Little lady seeks death.

- [Tom] Quick diagnosis.

- Let's go.

- [Crow] Well don't everybody be so sad.

- What else is on the tape?

- [Joel] Eddie Money, Two Tickets to Paradise,

that's about it.

The DeFranco Family.

I don't think you'd like it.

- Two of them did it.

They murdered Ross.

- This'll hit the admiral pretty hard.

- Yeah.

Hit them pretty hard too, doc.

- [Tom] Wrecked 'em?

Damn near killed 'em!

- [Crow] And so Johnny Longtorso

and his industrial band of bad boy spacefarin' pals

step out into the cold air of Central Park.

(instrumental theme music)

- Oooh.

(Joel singing)

- I love it.

- [Tom] All that is is my mother's shower curtain.

- Oh yes, Tang.

- [Joel] Crazy woman, I offer her something to drink,

she thinks it's my name all of a sudden.

- [Tom] What the?

- How long have your mother and father been gone, Tang?

- [Crow] You mean frozen?

- [Tang] I was a child.

- Then who taught you to speak, how to live?

- Mother teach.

She live until...

- [Tom] She held me back in the third grade.

- Do you live here all alone?

- [Tang] Yes.

Alone.

- [Crow] If you don't counf my 27 monkeys.

- Are there other people on this planet?

- Yes, there are others.

Savages who hate and kill.

They do not want Tang to live in their country.

- [Joel] Oh, you mean Crash Orange,

Goofy Grape, Lefty Lemon, that whole gang?

- Only enemies.

- But there is room for many people to live here.

Why should they object?

- [Crow] Well, this is the high rent district

and you know how people get.

- They are primitive men.

- [Tom] The producers?

- [Crow] No, these men are different.

- [Tom] Oh, the executive producers.

- [Crow] Natch.

- Who are different.

- [Joel] Oh wow, mom never looked that good.

- Beautiful girl.

- My name is Linda.

- [Crow] My name is Lucky.

- Linda.

Tang.

- [Tom] I'm not just for breakfast anymore.

- [Joel] Can I call you Ovaltine?

- [Crow] I'll drink to that.

- Who undressed me?

(Tom clearing throat)

- Linda's clothes wet, I undress.

- [Joel] Nice bag, Tang.

- I did not mean to hurt you.

- [Joel] I can love only through pain.

- Do not be afraid of me.

- I am not afraid of you, Tang.

- [Tom] Dang-shang-alang, Tang.

- [Crow] Wang, bang, thank you Tang.

(thunder rumbling)

♪ The weather started getting rough ♪

- [Joel] The Tang and she were tossed.

(thunder rumbling)

- [Crow] Dean will get Liddy and the Plumbers

to do all the dirty work.

- [Recording] Navigation officer, Cosmos Three.

- [Joel] Hey Crow, sounds like one of the more

boring episodes of Prairie Home Companion, huh?

- [Crow] Yeah, let's get it on tape.

- That is the last.

That would place him in the upper end of this canyon.

Probably a cave high on the cliff.

There they'd be fairly safe--

- [Joel] Don't know what you mean.

- Admiral, do you seriously believe

any of them are still alive?

- [Joel] (mumbling) I don't know what I think about it.

- Then why haven't they used the radio?

Or continue to tape-record beyond 74 days?

- He has a point, admiral.

- Even if we find nothing but--

(Joel mumbling)

- At least we'll be sure.

- Admiral King, qre the dead worth more lives of the living?

- [Tom] What's a dead man

other than a live man without any life?

- Sergeant Alan, the chief, Linda.

- I'm not convinced that Linda is dead either.

(Crow mumbling)

She might possibly be a captive.

- A captive?

- (mumbling) The serpent was killed by a metal shaft,

possibly an arrow.

There might be primitive man on this planet.

- [Tom] Men without pocket squares.

- [Crow] Hey, did you just get back

from the dentist or something?

- Tomorrow morning we're gonna go out and find out.

(Tom mumbling)

- [Joel] Did he just get a shot of Novocaine?

- [Crow] J.D.

(thunder rumbling)

- [Tom] Is it my breath?

[Joel] Oh, Captain Crunch comfort ring,

help me out of this awful jam now.

- [Crow] Shazam!

(cheerful music)

- [Joel] Yeah.

- [Crow] Go, Annette, go!

- [Joel] How'd she get the x-ray machine to sound that good?

- [Tom] The space samba.

- [Crow] Wow, she'd be perfect for your experiments.

- [Tom] A little girl is trapped down there

and all you can do is dance!

It was murder.

- [Joel] Sexual harassment laws

are a lot looser in the future.

- You know you love it.

- Yeah, but not when we--

- [Crow] Six inches, come on.

- All right, break it up.

Mr. Bradley, didn't you ever read the regulations

covering shipboard romances?

- Of course I did, but this started

a long time before we came aboard.

- [Crow] I can only read Braille.

- 'Til you get back home,

or you'll find yourself with a busted ensign.

- [Tom] A busted ensign, we all know

how painful that can be.

- you wouldn't pull your rank on a sweet little

junior officer like this, just 'cause you're jealous.

- Mr. Bradley, there are some men

who can send me right into orbit.

You couldn't even get me onto the launching pad.

- [Tom] Yikes, nice tag.

- Mr. Scott!

- [Crow] Oh, you're over there, I didn't look.

Why isn't my field gear ready?

Bradley!

- Yes, sir!

- Where's Mr. Scott?

Why isn't the search party ready to leave?

(Joel mumbling)

- He said you wouldn't let anybody else go.

- Hmm.

He said that, did he?

- Those were your orders, weren't they, admiral?

- Yes, yes it was. (Joel mumbling)

Has he reported in yet?

(Joel mumbling)

- He said he would investigate the waterfall area

and then report to you.

- Let me know the moment you hear from him.

- [Tom] Thank you Betty, Veronica, Jughead.

- Hey, you know something?

He didn't tell Scott to go.

He was gonna go himself.

- Yes, I know.

The commander told me about it last night.

- [Joel] He was very high.

- [Crow] We've been walking around this studio for months!

- [Tom] We've gone too far,

we're on the Indian set now, turn back!

- Have you searched this area thoroughly?

- She isn't here, admiral.

We can head for the cliff now,

I'll let you know if we find anything.

Yes sir.

- [Joel] But your bath is ready, sir.

- Doc, what kind of metal would you say this is?

- Some kind of steel alloy?

- [Crow] Wrong, but thanks for playing.

- What are you driving at?

- There's only one kind of device

that shoots an arrow like this.

- [Tom] Uh, a bow.

- A crossbow.

Maybe a Centaurian crossbow.

- [Joel] Maybe.

- Doc, we might be on the trail of

the very man who murdered Captain Ross.

- [Joel] Let's go check out the cave set, you slobs.

(cheerful music)

- [Joel] Hello, world!

- [Tom] Peter Pan and Wendy.

- [Crow] Hey, get me, I'm a wood nymph!

- [Joel] My name isn't Tang, it's Puck.

Oh, I meant to do my work today,

but the wildflowers beckoned,

and what could I do but answer their calls?

Sweetly called by the stringed lute, and I came.

- [Tom] That was beautiful.

- I remember this place, Tang.

It's so lovely here and so peaceful.

- [Tom] This all flows from the other huts upstream.

- Here I find Linda.

Come, we must speak.

- [Joel] I don't know if we wanna watch this next part.

We'd better get outta here.

- [Crow] I kinda do.

- [Joel] No, you better stay, come on.

(mechanical whirring) (doors closing)

- No it's the green wire, Joel, definitely the green.

- Look, who's holding the screwdriver here anyway?

- I give up, who?

- Oh, that's enough from the peanut gallery.

Thanks a lot, you two.

- Oh heck Joel, go ahead and clip toe blue wire.

It's just a doomsday machine, if it goes up

it's not like we're gonna be around to experience oblivion.

- Well, by oblivion, do you mean

experiential oblivion or phenomenological oblivion?

- Hmm, interesting distinction.

Let's define our terms, shall we?

- Well, Kierkegaard would always say--

- Listen you screwheads, you'd better knock it off

or I'll brain you both with my ball-peen hammer,

now knock it off.

- Hmm, interesting reaction

to a logically defined supposition.

I think Camus would have theorized differently.

- Oh listen, mister smart-alec guy,

what wire would Camus cut?

- Uh, he'd cut the blue one I think, and then if he was

still around after that, he'd cut the green one.

- Eeenie, meenie, minie moe--

- Ah, the Samuel Beckett method.

- Joel, you're playing dice with the universe.

I hope you realize that.

(bells chiming)

- [Satellite] Welcome, you have passed through

the first three thresholds

of the Isaac Asimov Literary Satellite,

Enter the disarm code or enjoy the consequences.

Remember, this and all literary works of the last century

are the sole property of Isaac Asimov

and his many affiliates.

Thank you for intruding, you have five seconds.

(bells chiming)

- Quick Joel, cut every wire!

- It's not gonna work, it needs an access code!

- Uh, uh, try ego.

- Sideburns!

- I'll try I, Robot.

(buzzer buzzing)

- [Satellite] I'm sorry, the correct entry

would have been copyright. (groaning)

You now have six nanoseconds to realize the consequences.

(all talking over each other)

- [All] Huh?

- This cockamamie satellite's

turned us all into duplicate Isaac Asimovs!

- Hey, do you think it's a conspiracy?

- Oh, no, I covered the conspiracy topic

in my ten-volume history of assassinations and coups.

- This is terrible, you guys!

- Oh, I don't know, at least now

I'll have something to write about.

You know, I've been thinking about

annotating the Manhattan phone directory.

- Oh, look, it's commercial sign.

That'll fit nicely into my volume

on the effects of advertising on the human psyche.

(all talking over each other)

(instrumental theme music)

(all talking over each other)

- I've never seen such beautiful fruit.

On Centaurus, at the colony and on my ship,

we have only synthetic fruit to eat.

- I know.

Mother speak of this before she leave

on long journey beyond.

- [Tom] She's in the cave Tang, frozen.

- This much better food.

- [Crow] They're Little Debbie's cakes,

I gathered them from the bear cave.

- [Tom] They're fit for a king.

Here King, here King!

Ba-boom, zing!

- You have much to learn.

- [Joel] Yeah, and they're one-third

less calories than regular mangoes.

- [Tom] You flunked third grade, though.

(laughing)

- [Crow] Uh, turn it around.

No, the other way.

Oh, brother.

(Joel imitating monkey grunting)

- Kiko, my hungry friend.

- [Joel] Oh, he's still mad about the whole evolution thing.

[Tom] Let me show you how to open these things.

It's beautiful, look at this.

- [Joel] So I grow a pelt and crawl up on a rock?

- Mmm!

This is even better than the other.

- [Tom] The other what?

- [Crow] Can I have another banana, Lancelot?

- Linda not hurt you, she new friend.

- [Tom] Come on, show her your red butt like at the zoo.

- Give Linda kiss.

(laughing)

Here, Kiko.

- [Crow] Nice babe you got there, Tang.

- [Joel] Gotta go back to my trainer now.

- [Crow] Now Tang's really in love.

Oh, now he's gonna play some of

the world's most-loved melodies, a la Zamfir.

(flute music)

- [Joel] Let me amuse and cajole your species, Mata.

- [Tom] It's Peter and the wolf,

and the monkey, and Ted and Alice.

(Kiko grunting)

Get me, I'm the master of the pan flute.

- Linda like my friend Kiko?

- Yes, Tang.

- [Joel] And the monkey too?

- Linda like Tang's food?

- Yes.

- [Joel] Tang and Kiko, they're cops.

- Linda like Tang?

- [Crow] Yeah, but I also like other beverages like Hi-C.

Hey wait a minute, whose legs are whose there?

- [Joel] Oh, I'm gonna go spank myself.

- I will have to return to my friends on the ship.

They will be worried for me.

- [Tom] I'm gonna have to return to my cold shower.

- You like friends on ship more than Tang.

- [Joel] Yeah, I guess I do.

Why?

(water rushing)

- What you say is not true, Tang.

I love you.

Come on, help me with the presents.

- No.

- [Crow] Tang's gonna take a powder.

Wait, Tang is a powder.

(laughing)

- Linda, Tang can't swim.

- [Joel] Tang will settle to bottom, must stir.

- Think Tang falling in water very funny?

Maybe this funny too.

(screaming)

- [Tom] Russian judge gives it a six.

- [Crow] Ah, she didn't come out of her tuck in time.

(laughing) (splashing)

- [Joel] See no evil.

Well, maybe just a little.

Yeah.

- [Crow] This week in The Enquirer, Tang's recipe for love.

Lots of good food, and his water baby.

- [Tom] That's what I can a complete breakfast.

Tang, Coke, milk and fruit.

[Joel] And booty.

- [Crow] Hey, get out of the acid bath!

- [Tom] There's so much to see, so much to do!

- Your ship.

- [Joel] Hey, I can see your house from here.

- It's beautiful here.

- [Joel] And it's not even real.

- What is it, Tang?

- They will take Linda away.

- And Tang too.

We will go to a new homeland together.

- No, mother and father are here.

This is my homeland.

This is Linda's home.

- Yes, Tang.

- [Crow] Tang's never heard of a one-night stand.

- But I have to tell the admiral.

- Why tell admiral?

- He's my friend!

He's like a father.

(Tom clearing throat)

The only one I've ever known.

- [Tom] Ah, Lolita...

- Like your father.

We will go to him.

- [Joel] The frozen dad?

- [Tom] It's the Monkees, get out of there!

Scamper, cheese it!

- [Joel] They're too busy spearin' to put anybody down.

- Linda, across!

- Tang, Tang!

- [Tom] Tang kwan do.

- [Crow] Those, ladies and gentlemen,

are the planet's fiercest warriors.

(screaming)

- [Joel] Hey everybody, I'm Bruce Lee!

(screaming)

- [Crow] Looks like the family from It's About Time.

- [Crow] Yeah, you're lucky my chick's here, man.

- [Joel] He's fighting a bunch of Sonny Bono lookalikes.

(gun firing) (screaming)

(exploding)

- Help, help!

- Linda!

Linda!

- [Crow] Ah, typical response.

I don't understand it, so I better shoot it.

(screaming)

- Tang!

Let me go!

Let me go, let me go!

- [Crow] Hey, he's giving her a shot with a corkscrew.

- [Joel] Darn jocks, always taking my girl.

I'm gonna leave this darn chess club.

- Why was she trying to go back, doc?

(instrumental theme music)

- I'm sure that Scott would have found him by now

if the wound was really critical.

(mumbling)

- Look, take it from me, David.

If that boy can be found, Scott'll find him.

- Bradley just reported in.

They've lost the trail.

It stopped suddenly at the edge of a cliff.

- [Crow] There was a note.

It said, "Aaaaah!"

- [Joel] Hey, what do you think that means?

- The volcano's going to erupt.

This planet won't be safe.

Radio Mr. Scott to return to the ship.

- [Tom] Is it my breath?

- [Crow] It is his breath.

(yelling)

- [All] What?

- Try once more, Jung.

(yelling)

- [Joel] Try something that means something.

- I believe it's hopeless, commander.

- Admiral King wants us to report back to the ship.

He's afraid Old Smokey over there's gonna blow its top

and shake the walls down to the canyon.

- [Tom] No, you're thinking of the Big Bad Wolf.

- Let's go.

- [Crow] Okay, I'll just stay here

and then I'll be here if you need me.

- [Joel] Bye, Chang.

- [Crow] Hey, it's Cliff Robertson.

Hi, I'm a mountain.

(chuckles)

Stupid.

(earthquake rumbling)

- [Joel] What are the chances of those idols falling over?

- [Crow] Billy Idol?

- [Tom] Uh oh, stock footage and lots of it, coming at us.

- Sorry, sir.

- [Crow] Hey, what were you doing in the washing machine?

- [Tom] How are those chicks coming along, hatched yet?

- Mr. Scott, prepare the ship for departure.

- Yes, sir.

- I hate you!

I hate all of you!

- [Joel] Gee, don't say hi.

- Sergeant Evans.

Crew to stations.

- Yes, sir.

Attention, all personnel.

Outland stations, outland stations.

- Raise the ramp.

- [Crow] Raise the rent?

Hey, I've got a lease, pal!

- Linda!

- [Joel] Linda!

(rumbling)

- [Joel] More stock footage.

- [Tom] Hit the deck!

- [Crow] What is that?

- Linda!

Linda!

(rumbling)

- [Crow] Thwow them to the gwound, pwanet, most woughlu.

Thank you.

(rumbling)

- [Joel] Oh, I hit my butt,

it's all hot and it hurts and stuff, ow.

Uh, let me slow it down one more time.

Guys, I got a feeling it's call-back time.

There's a girl down that well!

- [Tom] But the chicks are done.

[Crow] Anyone in the washing machine?

- [Joel] Where's Fang, anyway?

(rumbling)

This is no time for push-ups, you dolt.

- Get the ship out of here, Mr. Scott.

- [Crow] Good thing I've got my Farah action slacks on.

- [Tom] Linda!

Linda!

(rumbling)

- [Crow] Magma.

Hey, I can't finish my jumble puzzle.

- Quick!

You get back to the ship, that's an order!

- We're north going back!

- I can't leave her here.

- [Tom] Then let go of me!

- Leave me here.

I have to find her!

Don't you understand?

She's my responsibility!

She's all I have, Linda's my daughter.

- [All] Uh-oh...

- [Crow] Geez, talk about deus ex machina.

(rumbling)

- [Tom] Yellowstone.

Boy, they're really rockin' this place.

- [Crow] This is what happens

after you eat at Lollapalooza.

Looks like the land of Dairy Queen.

- [Joel] Fire up the wok, dinner's ruined again.

- [Crow] Hey, look out, the styrofoam is on fire!

(eerie humming)

- Tang?

- [Tom] This is great, I feel like E.T.

- Tang?

- [Joel] I'm back!

Hi, girl.

(Tom yelling like Tarzan)

- [Crow] Remember when we were dating

and we met right here at this pool of filth?

- [Joel] This is great, she can meet his frozen parents.

- Tang!

Oh, Tang.

- Linda!

- [Tom] Let's make some static with these pelts.

You still haven't scrubbed your pits.

That's okay, I love you, you big breakfast drink.

- [Crow] Come on, I've really changed the place.

The monkey moved in, I hope that doesn't bother you.

- [Joel] Why is this called Planet of the Prehistoric Women,

it makes no sense.

- Stand by, vertical gravitators.

- [Crow] Boy, they really got a lot done on that planet.

- [Computer] Vertical gravitators.

- Hold it, Scott!

- They're alive, admiral.

Linda and the boy, look!

Attention, attention.

- [Joel] Oh, hi Elvis.

- [Crow] I'd like to sing some of my hits,

and then I'm going down to the galley

to have some peanut butter and 'nana sandwich.

- [Tom] You too, Elvis.

- Well, Mr. Scott, let's get about going home.

- You mean we're not going back for them, admiral?

- No, I will not go back.

- [Joel] Not today.

- They'll be happy here.

They belong here, they belong to each other.

- [Crow] Who are you, Chuck Woolery?

- They'll create a world of their own.

- [Joel] I'm feeling loud, proud and brassy.

- People from their homeland.

- [Crow] Except for the master race.

- [Tom] I'm sure you're right, you rotless bastard.

- Activate control.

- Yes, sir.

The admiral's a different man.

- [Joel] I know our affair wasn't set up in this film,

but let's be part of the loose ends festival anyhow.

(Tom grunting)

- [Joel] Hey look, you can see my house.

- [Crow] Drive me to the mall.

- [Tom] We got a planet to populate, honey.

- [Joel] I'm already bored, Tang.

- Make an entry in the ship's log.

(Tom mumbling)

- To the third planet of the Solaris system.

As this planet was heretofore unknown,

(Joel mumbling)

from this day forward, the third planet of Solaris

will be known as the blue planet.

We designate it planet Earth.

- [Joel] Earth?

- [Crow] Oh come on, who made you God?

- [Tom] Oh, man evolved from Tang, right.

We'd better get outta here, we'd better go.

- [Joel] My great-grandmother was really, really hot!

- [Crow] Was she?

- [Joel] We gotta go figure out a way to clean this...

(mechanical whirring) (doors closing)

Hey, you know what?

These Isaac Asimov sideburns come off.

- They're just taped on! - They're phony.

- Oh, that's what it means to be Isaac Asimov, I guess.

- Yeah, but he probably already thought of that.

- Yeah.

Instead of a doomsday machine,

I guess it kinda turned out to be a dorksday machine.

- It could be worse.

- Oh?

- It could have been a Doris Day machine.

(groaning) (laughing)

- Come on you guys, it's time to read some letters here.

Okay, Cambot, let's...

Oops, you lost your head.

- (laughing) Oh, my skull.

- Oh that's too bad, that's okay.

Here we go. - All right.

- Put this up on the screen.

MST 3000, I am writing a response to you guys.

In one of your episodes in specific, I believe

Robo Holocaust was the name, the one in which

a man possesses valuable knowledge and was transformed

into a vegetable-like being because of his

inability to cooperate--

- Avocado boy! - Yep.

And we had a contest to see who could come up with

a name for the avocado guy, and here's his entry.

He's the winner, by the way.

Here, he gave us four.

Skip, the couch potato.

Let's have a picture of that guy, Cambot.

A Man from P.R.O.D.U.C.E,

A Weeble-O named Chloro-Phil,

and the Eight Wonder of the Guacamole, so.

(laughing)

That's from James S. Callstrom, from Bloomington.

- The winner of the brainstorm.

- Yeah, he won the brainstorm.

Thanks to all who entered that one, by the way.

And here's this next one.

Dear Sir or Bot, one lonely, depressing Saturday night,

I happened to switch to channel 49, and found MST 3000.

It was love at first laugh, I was instantly hooked.

Now my life has meaning.

- That's pretty sad, really.

- Anyway, it's a great show.

I've shown it to several of my friends

and they say they all like it.

Even my wife likes it and she is not an SF fan.

What's SF mean?

- Uh, San Francisco.

- Oh, okay.

Anyway, the last one here is from a father and daughter.

- [Tom] Do they dance too?

- [Joel] I don't know.

We would like information about the fan club.

We would also like to know if there's

a special club group for Tom Servo.

- You betcha!

- Wow.

Ever since his head exploded trying to think of

something good to say about The Bride Vanishes,

we realized he has a rare and special honesty.

It's good that you didn't ask for good comments about

Project Moonbase, the consequences would be unthinkable.

That's from Kenneth--

- I shudder at the thought.

- Yeah.

Kenneth J. Plotkin and Sarah E. Plotkin, the Plotkin family.

Well, that's it.

Tom Servo, you wanna give 'em the mailing address?

- Sure!

- Cambot, put it up on the screen there.

- Love to, it's the Mystery Science Theater 3000

Information Club, P.O. Box 5325,

Hopkins, Minnesota, 55343.

- All right, that's the end of the experiment.

What do you think, sirs?

♪ I think I'll file this thing for you ♪

♪ As I always seem to do

♪ I like working for you, Clay

♪ 'Cause you're a really neat guy ♪

- Well, I think you should file this, Larry.

Until next time, pasty boy.

(Slow solemn theme music)