Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter? (1957) - full transcript

(♪ Drum roll)

(♪ Fanfare)

Oh, the fine print they put
in an actor's contract these days!

Well, be that as it may,
I'm Tony Randall

and I'm appearing
in this motion picture

with a fascinating
and beautiful performer,

a talented and gorgeous star
with a fabulous figure.

I beg your pardon.

There, I think you'll agree

that her figure is somewhat
more interesting than mine.

That is, if you're interested
in that sort of thing.



Well, we also have several
other fine performers aboard,

all of whom are appearing in this
delightful motion picture entitled...

Erm...the title of this delightful
motion picture is...

"The Girl Can't Help It".
No, we made that. Hm.

Well, anyway,

this picture is about advertising
agencies and television commercials

and it is called...

Gertrude, Crestview 5-412.

Oh. No, well, anyway...

Anyway, the picture takes place
in New York City, New York,

and the name of it is...

"Will Success Spoil Rock Hunter?"

Our slip-easy, pop-up,
finger-touch ice trays.

No matter how many lushes you know,



with the slip-easy, pop-up,
finger-touch ice trays,

you have enough ice cubes for all.

Shelton's Beer
is brewed crystal clear

from the streams
deep in the forest swamps.

You'll be way ahead
with Shelton's Beer.

There is no head on Shelton's Beer.
No foam, just beer.

Pour yourself a full glass
of that heavenly brewed,

clear swamp water, Shelton's Beer.

Do you want to say goodbye
to dull, drab hair?

Then use Très Chic.

After drying, just run your comb...

- (Crackling)
- ..gently through your hair.

You'll see the magic,
the miracle of Très Chic.

You'll see what Très Chic
can do to your hair.

You have just seen the Handy Dandy
Dandy electric shaver

gently shave the fungus
off an overripe peach.

Now watch the job
it does for my stubble.

Nothing but nothing stops
the Handy Dandy Dandy.

It will leave you clean-shaven
in a jiffy.

Now use the Handy Dandy Dandy.

Each little Crunchy contains energy,

contains pep for your growing
youngsters, builds strong legs,

so when they're older,

they can stand the long waits
in the unemployment lines.

Listen to the energy.

- (Crackling)
- It snaps, it crunches.

Remember, that's Crunchy Crispies.

Oh, hello. I'm Jolly Jess.

(Chuckles)
Ah, by the way, do you like nuts?

Well, if you do, don't say nuts, say
Frank's Vacuum-Packed Peanut Butter.

Ha-ha! It's great. Uh-huh.

The...the peanuts
in Frank's Vacuum-Packed...

Wow contains fallout,
the exclusive patented ingredient.

(Hissing)

Wow is gentle to your hands.

It may be a little rough
on your fingernails,

but with a clean kitchen
you won't have to scratch yourself.

Wow! Wow is the wowest!

Rambunctious Rupert
is open day and night.

Rambunctious Rupert has the bargains.

Take the car away
and drive it off the lot.

No money down, no collateral.

Just leave your wife
with Rambunctious Rupert.

If you're like me, with six dirty
children and a big, filthy husband,

then you can imagine how important
an Easy Clean washing machine can be.

It not only Easy Cleans
those dirty, filthy clothes,

but it's so gentle on each garment,

so gentle that it makes wash day...

- (Ripping)
- ...a day to remember.

You won't forget wash day,

if you use
the Easy Clean washing machine.

'This is me again, Rockwell P Hunter,

'and that's Madison Avenue
away down there.

'That's my street,
my street of grey flannel dreams.

'I'm employed on Madison Avenue
in an advertising agency,

'way up here in the offices of
LaSalle Jr, Raskin, Pooley & Crocket,

'or, as we say, LSJ, RP & C.

'I'm a writer,
an author of TV commercials.

'This is my office,

'and that's a photograph
of my niece, April Hunter.

'April is a teenager,
and she lives with me.

'That's my secretary Jenny Wells.

'Jenny is not a teenager
and doesn't live with me.

'But she will, when I can afford it.

'Jenny and I fell in love
one night last year,

'that wonderful night we were
supposed to be working overtime.

'That's my immediate superior
Henry Rufus,

'a vice president of LSJ, RP & C,

'and the account executive of Stay-Put
Lipstick, our most important client.

'Rufe is a big success. He has a key
to the executive washroom.

'But the largest success of all
is Junior, Mr LaSalle Junior.

'He's the President of LaSalle Jr,
Raskin, Pooley & Crocket.

'He has his own private washroom.

'He's been written up in "Fortune",
profiled in "The New Yorker",

'had his picture on the cover of "Time",

'and he is a personal friend
of Elsa Maxwell.'

Good morning, Mr LaSalle.

Yes, Mr Rufus, I called. He's on his way.

Hi, Gladys. Mr Rufus wanted to see me?

Go in, Mr Hunter. But watch out.

He's probably
on his fourth tranquilliser by now.

- (Chair humming)
- Hi, Rufe.

Must be your fifth tranquilliser by now.

Gladys also tell you I drank my lunch?

She forgets I eat the olives.

That's where the nourishment is.

Gladys talks too much.
I ought to get rid of her,

but she has it on me ever since
I got juiced up at that Christmas party

and made a couple of passes
at her IBM machine.

(Laughs)

I finished the new animated cartoon
commercial, Rufe. I think you'll like it.

It's to be sung by three chickens to the
tune of "Old MacDonald Had A Farm".

It goes like this.

♪Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put
Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay...

No, that's Yankee Doodle.

Hm.

♪Old MacDonald had a...

♪Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put
Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put

♪ If on your lips you'll only put
Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put

♪You'll kiss-kiss here, you'll kiss-kiss
there, here, there, everywhere...

♪Stay-Put Lipstick stays put-put
Stay-Put, Stay-Put, Stay-Put ♪

You have to imagine it
sung by three chickens, Rufe.

Singing commercials are dead,
Rocky boy.

The surveys show the jingles
become hits but the product doesn't sell.

Rocky, I've got some bad news.

- Bad news?
- Concerns both of us.

- Better have a bracer.
- I can take it straight.

So can I.

This is all gin.

Well, it seems
the Stay-Put account may pull out.

This whole joint may foldy.

You and I are slated for the chute.

Well, that's how the ball bounces.

Wow.

Oh, boy.

Gee, I was counting
on a raise pretty soon.

Be my guest.

Numby-wumby's on the house.

What's the matter, Rocky boy?
No kopecks put aside?

No, not a kopeck. Takes a lot of money
to raise a teenager properly, you know.

I know.

My Evelyn, she was a perfectly
normal juvenile delinquent

until she got a breakdown.

Rock and roll got to her. Now I take her
to the analyst three times a week.

The bills! The man must be building
a monument to Freud.

But, er...that's the way the banana splits.

Don't worry, laddie,
we'll get otherjobbies.

I will anyway. I've got no talent.

Be tougher for you,
but you'll probably get your old job back.

On the fan magazine?

You did some good writing there, boy.

Mostly I just edited
the Fan News column.

The only big star
I ever got to interview was...

er...Bobo Brannigansky
the TV Jungle Man.

It was a pretty good article, though.

I called it, "How Bobo overcame jungle
rot." It was well received for what it was.

Well, that's what I mean. You can write.
You can always write TV scripts.

You know, expand the one-line joke
into the hour-and-a-half spectacular.

Time for another conference.
Rocky, remember to keep this hushied.

Junior doesn't want this bruted about,

but I can't let an old Harvard classmate
get pink-slipped without notice.

- Thanks an awful lot, Rufe.
- Oh.

- I'll be in Junior's office.
- Yes, dear. Er...sir.

We need a big idea and fasty, Rocky.

Let me know in the a.m. We're having
a final showdown with the client.

There's a chance to save the account?

I've got a couple of campaign ideas

but if you can come up with the right
slant, your problem can be solvy, solvy.

It can mean a vice presidency for you.

Excuse me.

(TV) 'And until next week we say
goodbye to Bobo Brannigansky,

'your friendly jungle man and star
of the first adult monkey series

'brought to you by Flake-Off,
the friendly skin peel.

'And now for the news.

'We take you first to Hollywood,

'where movie fans are agog over
the recent movements of Rita Marlowe.

'Mystery surrounds the departure of the
cinema queen from the cinema capital.'

'Mystery? I'm just going to New York
with my secretary to rest in seclusion.

- 'Ooh! Seclusion? Is that right?'
- 'That's right, you want to be alone.'

'Seclusion sounds so dirty.'

'Well, it isn't.'

'So that's it, I just want to be alone.

'So what's the mystery? I'm just
a perfectly normal American girl.

'Ooh!'

This is your opportunity to make
Junior sit up and take notice of you.

I'd like to get a great idea
and go by him in the hall

and give him a taste
of that grey flannel sneer.

- Come on.
- I'll never be a success.

And remember, if you don't get an idea,
you're still a big success with me.

Am I? Hm?

Darling, please.
April may come out and see us.

It's all right. You're gonna be
her aunt some day soon.

You're not treating me like an aunt.

Well, I don't feel exactly like an uncle.

All right, but easy.
My insurance doesn't cover hallways.

♪Stay-Put, Stay-Put!

♪Stay-Put! ♪

Ugh. I've lost my touch.

I'm cracking.

I miss 'em already, all those little
Hollywood incinerators puffing away,

making that nice black smog
that covers up the freeway accidents.

I'm sorry, Vi, I just had to get away.

If you wanted seclusion,
I could've drained the swimming pool.

Why the rush to New York?

So I can form
my own production company.

- Do you expect me to believe that?
- Oh, all right.

I wanted to get away from Bobo.
I'll show him he can't walk out on me.

Bobo didn't walk out on you.

He just left the table at Mocambo
to make a phone call

and was too loaded to find his way back.

Well, he wasn't too loaded to turn up
at Ciro's with another bleached blonde.

Another blonde. After all I did for him!
What was Bobo when I met him?

A Cucamonga grape-picker.
Even his feet were blue.

I remember. You thought
he never took his socks off.

And do you remember
who introduced him to the right people?

Who gave party after party for him?
Who built him into the star he is today?

Shh. Do you want everyone
to know you can't hold a man?

You're Hollywood's femme fatale. No
man walks out on you. Even if they do.

Oh! We're here.

(Cheering) Miss Marlowe!

(Cheering)

(Cheering and wolf-whistles)

(Cheering)

- (♪ Music on TV)
- OK, honey, breakfast is ready.

April?

April, do you hear me?

(TV) 'Now our special events camera
takes you to Idlewild Airport.'

April, where are you?

(April) 'Here I am! Here I am!'

- Where?
- 'Down here, Miss Marlowe!

'April Hunter, President of the East
73rd Street chapter of your fan club!'

- April!
- 'May I have your autograph?'

(Reporter) 'What's new
on your romance with Bobo, Rita?'

'I have no romance.
All my lovers and I are just friends.'

- 'Where are you staying in New York?'
- 'Seclusion. She's incorporating herself.'

'Don't talk dirty on TV.
It's a family medium.

- 'Thank you, President Huntley.'
- Hunter.

'Hunter. I've seen all your pictures,
Miss Marlowe!

'And I'm going again to see
"The Girl Can't Help It" !'

'Courageous youngster.'

Information, may I have
the number of Idlewild Airport, please?

- (Cheering)
- Bye, Miss Marlowe.

- Thanks for the autograph.
- Oh, you're welcome. Bye!

(April) Bye!

(Tannoy) 'April Hunter wanted at
the TWA Information Counter, please.

'April Hunter wanted at
the TWA Information Counter, please.'

I'm April Hunter.

- Thank you. Hello?
- Hello.

Uncle Rockwell?
How did you know I was here?

I was on TV? How did I look?

Like six months of no allowance.

Uncle Rockwell, I had to see her.

And you know what?
She's hiding out in seclusion.

I heard her give the address
to the chauffeur.

I don't care about the address!
You go to school!

OK, Uncle Rockwell. Bye.

(TV) 'And that was the arrival of Rita
Marlowe, Hollywood's goddess of love,

'the girl with those oh-so-kissable lips,

'soon to be seen with Cary Grant
in "Kiss Them For Me".

'Now for our early-morning
wake-up show,

'sponsored
by the Last Chance Mortuary.'

- Rock?
- I'm in here, honey, in April's bedroom.

How did you do last night?

- What are you doing?
- Did I get an idea!

- I got Rita Marlowe.
- Rita Marlowe?

I don't know
why I didn't think of it before.

We get Rita Marlowe to endorse
Stay-Put Lipstick. It'll sell like crazy.

When I was editing
the fan news column,

all the fans wanted to know
anything about was Rita Marlowe.

I ask you,
what is Rita Marlowe famous for?

- Next question?
- (Laughs)

Stop that! No, she's famous
as the girl with the oh-so-kissable lips.

You've seen that in all her publicity.

We're in. I'm gonna rough out a couple
of layouts. You'd better go ahead.

I'll see you later.

As you know,

this agency had the foresight
to pioneer the singing commercial

and in so doing raise the level of
musical culture in the American home.

Now we must embark on another
far-sighted, long-range vision.

Gentlemen, I suggest we sell
the Stay-Put Corporation

on putting out a new line of lipsticks
in all popular flavours.

Scotch, Bourbon, gin.
I can see the ads.

"Stay-Put Vodka for the girl
who leaves you breathless.

"Stay-Put Martini
for that after-five romance.

- "Stay-Put Manischewitz for that..."
- Haven't you another vision, Mr Rufus?

Perhaps not so long-ranged?

Well, yes, LS, I do. Ha!

This idea is to start kids
using Stay-Put at an early age.

You see, gentlemen, as a parent,
I know from experience

that all teenagers are kiss-happy.

- My Evelyn, for instance...
- To the point, Mr Rufus, to the point.

Well, I propose that Stay-Put
sponsor a teenage kissing contest.

Hold semi-finals across the country.

Fly the best smoochers to New York for
the finals. Make it a colour spectacular.

Get Lawrence Welk to do the music.

We have the kids
kiss their way to the first plateau

and then put them
in the osculation booth!

- (Snap)
- Mr Rufus.

Do you realise that Mr Ezzarus,
President of the Stay-Put Corporation,

- will be coming through that door...
- Rufe! I've got to see you!

Rufe! Rufe! I want to see you.

- I told him you were not to be disturbed.
- Listen, Rufe...

- Will you get out?
- Get out? But...

- You better go.
- You haven't seen this.

Better go, Rocky. I'll see you later.

I've got a job at stake here, Rufe.

Listen, Mr LaSalle, I was up all night
trying to come up with something

to keep you from losing
the Stay-Put account,

and I think I've got it.

It's really a natural, Mr LaSalle.

Losing the Stay-Put account?
Where did you hear that?

The meeting is adjourned, gentlemen,
with the exception of Mr Rufus.

- Please look at this, Mr LaSalle.
- Let it go, Rocky.

Don't make any more trouble.

I'm not making trouble.
I'm trying to get us out of trouble.

I beat my brains out last night,
Mr LaSalle, and on my own time.

It didn't cost you a single kopeck.
The least you can do...

Stop by the cashier on your way out.

And I'd like to see you in 15 minutes.

You know, Mr LaSalle,
for years I looked up to you.

I hoped you'd notice me.

You were my idol. I regarded you
as a big man. But you're not a big man.

You're just a little poop of a man,
and that's the way the poop poops.

So long, Junior!

Excuse me! I'm sorry.
Are you all right, sir?

No harm done.

- (Slam)
- What happened, honey?

(Slam)

- What happened?
- I got bounced!

And that's how the ball bounces.

- Junior didn't like the idea?
- The poop didn't even look at it!

- The poop!
- Oh, the poop!

Vice presidency!
Success! Oh, boy, oh, boy!

I told you, honey, you're wasting
your time. I'll never be anything!

Now, darling, don't talk like that.

- Well, it's true. You see these pipes?
- Why don't you smoke one and relax?

You didn't know I had these pipes
hidden away in my bottom drawer.

- No, but what does it matter?
- What does it matter?

I'll tell you what it matters.

I bought these pipes before
you came with me. I decided on a pipe.

This was after Sincere Ties
got that insincere look

but before Brooks Brothers'
grey flannel took over.

Now, I thought a pipe would give me
a successful Gregory Peck look.

Gregory Peck?
Darling, you're not making any sense.

You know something? You're right.
I couldn't even keep the darn thing lit.

You know, I met a psychiatrist
at a party once.

And he told me that my pipe-smoking
revealed my psychic tensions.

Half of me wanted success,
while the other half wanted failure.

So I couldn't make up my mind
whether to inhale or exhale.

That's why my pipe would go out.
And he was right.

I couldn't keep my pipe lit,
and now I'm out.

When you've finished this afternoon,
I'll be waiting for you around the corner.

Around the corner? Rock, darling!
Please! Now, don't drink too much.

No, not too much. Just enough.

- Are you sure he's here?
- He must be at the usual table.

(Rocky slurring)
♪ Rita Marlowe stays put-put-put...

- He must have left. Come on, Jenny.
- No. No, I think I hear him.

- ♪ Put, put, put, put, put, put...
- Oh, Rock.

Don't nag him. He's a genius. Besides,
the acoustics are better down there.

- ♪ Put-put...
- Help me get the genius out.

- Here we go.
- ♪ Put, put, put, put...

- Keep quiet, genius.
- There you go, now.

♪Junior is a big success...

Mr Rufus said the man you bumped into
is Mr Ezzarus, President of Stay-Put.

He saw your layouts and loved the idea
of using Rita Marlowe.

He told Junior
that if he could deliver Rita Marlowe,

the Stay-Put account
could stay put with the agency.

Mr Rufus said that Junior's been
trying to locate Miss Marlowe all day.

He can't find her. She's hiding out.

Even the Pinkertons
he's hired can't find her.

Mr Rufus said
that if you know where she is,

you'll get two vice presidencies
and maybe even a raise.

- Do you hear me, Rock?
- Hm.

April. My little Pinkerton.

Oh.

April? April?

April?

Rock?

"Dear Uncle Rockwell,
gone to the movies.

"Your dinner's in the oven. Love, April."

You help yourself, honey.
I'll get that endorsement.

If what's left of my head holds out.

- April!
- What are you doing here?

Listen.

This morning, you told me you knew
where Rita Marlowe was hiding out.

- But that's a secret.
- Tell me, honey.

Because it could mean
a vice presidency for me.

Vice president? Uncle Rockwell,
you've been drinking again.

Here, you eat some popcorn.

I'm OK, honey.
You just tell me what Rita's address is.

Did you say something
about my allowance this morning?

I said it was doubled.

- I think the address is...
- All right, tripled.

No, it must be...

Oh, come on, Ape!
Name your own figure.

- She's at the Knickerbocker Towers.
- Bandit.

Three bags of popcorn.

If you'd just close your big mouth
and let me slip a word in sideways,

I'd explain it to you.

I know you're busy shooting retakes,
Bobo sweetie,

but I simply had to call you
and tell you that I couldn't care less,

that it's simply divoon
being away from you.

Easy! Not so hard.

What?

What do you mean, who's here?

Oh, well, of course it isn't Vi.

Hm, silly.

Why do you suppose
I came to New York?

He's burning. Vi, talk like a man.

- What for?
- So Bobo'll think there's a man here!

I may look like a man
but I don't sound like one.

He's a very influential New Yorker.

Right now he's completely engrossed
unpopping the champagne.

(Doorbell buzzes)

Vi, if that's the bellboy, bring him in.

Ooh!
I'll have him talk to Bobo!

How do you do? I'm Rockwell Hunter.

- Come in, Rockwell.
- Thank you.

Uh...I came to see Miss Marlowe.

We hardly want overheated champagne.

It's room temperature now
but the room temperature's changing.

If you get my cruder meaning.

Him? Why, he's not even a bellboy.

Never mind the uniforms.
You just want the voice. Speak, boy.

Uh...Miss Marlowe?
I'm Rockwell Hunter.

Rockwell Hunter?
Oh, his name sounds very influential.

His name only so happens
to be Rockwell Hunter.

- What do you do?
- Hm?

I work for LaSalle Junior, Raskin,
uh...uh, Poo...Pooley & Crocket.

- The advertising agency?
- All those names. How crazy influential!

He's only the great big influential
advertising man, that's all he is.

- What do you do there?
- Hm? Erm...I write TV commercials.

TV commercials? Oh, no, no.

Oh, I could never go
for a guy who did that. Could I?

Only kind you've missed.

Better think of something else.

What? Yes, I told you, sweetie.

He's Rock Huntley of LaSalt,
Ratskin, Dooley & Crumpet.

(Chuckles)
What's a betterjob at that crazy place?

Well, Vice President
is considerably better.

Never mention vice.

You see, those confidence magazines
always get on your back.

I know. You're President.

He's only the President
of the agency, sweetie.

Miss Marlowe, I'm not President.
I just write TV commercials.

Oh, Rock Huntington! Oh!

I know I'm oh-so-kissable,

but why don't you pour
the champagne first, lover doll?

It's, er...Hunter and not Huntingdon.

Shh. How can I remember?

I'm all excited
because you're loving me up.

Ooh. Mm, mm.

The lover doll did it. He's winging.

So am I. I'll be back.
I'm going for a little bit more steam.

I think my head still needs reblocking.

No, no, no, you can't leave.
Wait a minute, stay here.

You've got to say something
so he knows that I have a man in here.

Come on, come on. Please.
I'll do you a favour some time.

Well, as a matter of fact, uh...

I did want to talk to you
about getting your endorsement...

Now, don't start talking dirty.
You can always tell a writer.

Go on. Her word's good, for an actress.

Hm.

Hello there, sweetie.

This is Rockwell P Hunter, lover doll
and also President of LSJ, R, P & C.

Spencer Tracy
couldn't have done it better.

Thank you very much, Miss Marlowe.

Oh, you're the end, Dolly. Go ahead,
tell him we're in business together.

- Business?
- Pour it on.

It's crazy.

Yes, sweetie,

I'm also President
of Rita Marlowe Productions

- Incorporated Limited, sweetie.
- Ooh! That'll just kill him.

But don't leave me out. I have to be
important in my own incorporated.

Hm, sorry. I seem to have omitted
your screen credit.

Lingo of the trade.

Yes, sweetie, I'm President of Rita
Marlowe Productions Incorporated

but Miss Marlowe
is the titular head of the company.

(Rock) Mm-mm.

You're hurting me.

Oh, mm.

(Horn blares)

(Horns blare)

'But the big news today
is from Hollywood

'and the report that TV star
Bobo Brannigansky, the Jungle Man,

'and Rita Marlowe, cinema queen,
have broken up.

'Bobo, interviewed
in a Hollywood jungle

'after a long-distance
conversation with Rita,

'had this to say to our Hollywood
reporter Dick Whittinghill.'

'This is Dick Whittinghill in Hollywood.

'We're in a television jungle

'and we're going to interview
Bobo Brannigansky, the Jungle Man.'

(Drumming)

- 'Bobo?'
- 'Yes?'

'Bobo, what did Rita tell you
about her new boyfriend?'

'Well, she calls him her lover doll.
I don't mind that.

'But, you see,
if she'd fallen for royalty,

'a duke or an earl,

'even a prince,
it wouldn't have been so bad.

'But a huckster?
I get cold sweats thinking about it.

'My makeup won't stay on.
Even my hairpiece is coming loose.'

- 'So Rita told you who Lover Doll is?'
- 'Yeah.

'President of one of those
advertising places with all the names,

'like they can't make up their minds.

'Name's Hunter.
Ha-ha! Rockwell Hunter.'

Uncle Rockwell and Rita Marlowe?

Oh, no. Got to be
another Rockwell Hunter.

Bye-bye, Evelyn.
Be a good girl at the psychiatrist's.

Daddy, I just turned on the car radio.
Rita Marlowe's in love with Rock Hunter!

Wait, dear, I'll go with you.

'According to Bobo Brannigansky,

'Rita Marlowe's new flame is the
advertising executive Rockwell Hunter,

'President of LaSalle Junior,
Raskin, Pooley & Crocket.'

'I'm not worried by Rita and Lover Doll.
You just watch.

'Rita will come crawling back to me
on her hands and knees.

'Well, back to retakes.'

'Thank you, Bobo Brannigansky.'

(Drumming)

'So long, folks.'

On my hands and knees!
Did you hear that? The ingrate!

It's your own fault.
You spoil all those creeps you pick up.

I picked him up, I can pick him down.

Where are you going?

When I get through with him,
his hair will be so loose,

he'll be in the road company
of "The King And I".

(Knocking)

Where is Dolly Doll?

Shh, Uncle Rockwell's still asleep.
He must have come in late last night.

Ha-ha! I know. And we're on
the gravy choo-choo, chickie.

Your unkie and Rita Marlowe
are an item.

- You mean what I heard on TV...?
- It's front page except for "The Times".

Yesterday an autograph. Today an aunt.

(Shouts and screams)

Now do you believe me? You are
the biggest thing since chlorophyll.

- What do they want out there?
- Rita Marlowe's new heartbeat.

- (Ringing)
- Heartbeat?

I don't have a decent corpuscle left.

Hello? Oh, yes, Miss Parsons.
Ah, just a minute.

It's Louella. She wants the exclusive
on your marriage plans.

Jenny's my exclusive.

Miss Marlowe hasn't set the datey date,
but you'll be the first to know, Lolly.

Jenny. What's she gonna think
when she reads all this nonsense?

She will understand.
Now, what really happened, hm?

Nothing. Rita just used me
to make herjungle man jealous.

- That's all there was to it.
- (Ringing)

I went along with it
to get the endorsement.

Hello? Oh, hiya, Earl. Earl Wilson.

I'll ask him. He wants to know
Rita's measurements.

- How would I know?
- He doesn't know, it was dark.

OK, Earl, he'll appreciate that.
He's sending you a tape measure.

What are you doing here?
You're supposed to be in school!

And have my future aunt
come to a dirty house?

She's not your future aunt. Watch
yourself! Your future aunt lives upstairs.

Uncle Rockwell, it's biology.
Don't fight it.

You get rolling and you go to school!

- (Chuckles)
- My own niece is cracking.

- Did you get the endorsement?
- No, but she promised.

I left there, I came home, I had a couple
of nightcaps and I went to bed.

And woke up to find you had
Rita Marlowe in the palm of your hand.

Palm of my hand!
You haven't seen Rita Marlowe.

Don't be shy, laddie,
let success go to your head.

Success? How am I a success?

A TVjungle man shoots off his mouth
under a prop banyan tree

and I'm a success?

I'm the same failure I've always been.
I don't have the talent to keep my pipe lit.

We're not talking about talent!

If talent had anything
to do with success,

Brooks Brothers
would go out of business.

Television studios
would be turned into supermarkets.

We are talking about success,

a world where fancy foreign cars
replace subways and bus transfers.

Where all women
are beautiful and willing.

A world created, designed
and running like a charm

for those few who've scaled the heights,

broken through the soundy barrier,
by whatever fashion,

but invariably by being
at the right place at the right time,

when success, like a crock of cherries,

comes crashing down on the head
of fortune's child, as it did on yours.

There she was, an actress
fresh from the shores of Romanoff's.

There were you, with a hangover,
fresh from the steam baths,

standing on the threshold,
the veritable threshold of success.

I rest my case,
and may it be Napoleon Brandy.

(Car horns blaring)

Now what?

Well, it's a good thing
April cleaned the house.

Oh, no.

There's that fancy foreign car.
And does she look willing!

Ooh!

Oh, look at this.

- (Laughs)
- I got to go upstairs to Jenny.

Wait, you can tell her later.
She'll understand.

She just hit me with her prize geranium.

I'll explain everything to her.
What's Rita saying?

- Turn on the TV.
- Which station?

Any station!
It's like when the President speaks.

'Oh, yes.

'You might say that with me
and Lover Doll it was love at first sight.'

Love at first sight?

She's a nut! This whole thing could be
happening to an unknown bellboy.

Well, it's happening to you. Listen.

'Doll just looked at me
and suddenly my heart went pop.

'Ooh! You know, like a girdle does
when you walk fast.

'Except I wouldn't know
because I never wear one.'

- You girdle popper, you.
- Oh, she's lying, she's lying.

She was under a sheet
when I first saw her.

'Bobo was all right,

'except he always had the smell
of his leading ladies on him.

'They're monkeys, you know.

'So naturally I became interested
in the intellectual type

'who uses that crazy soap.

'Oh! Ooh!'

- She's coming up here.
- Now you can get her endorsement.

You get her endorsement.
I'm going upstairs to Jenny.

Girdle pops! Lover Doll! Crazy soap!
She's made an idiot out of me.

Great, the perfect qualification.
You'll end up President of the agency.

I'm so excited,
I don't know which dress to wear.

Oh, Uncle Rockwell!
You must be loaded with biology.

I'm loaded with dirt.

You think of that kid's face
if you blow this deal.

I'm thinking of those other geraniums.

Get the endorsement,
you can afford orange blossoms.

Let Junior get his signature!
He's too big a man to even notice me!

- Now all of a sudden...
- (Phone rings)

Hello? Good morning, LS.

Junior.

Yes, LS, he's right here.

Junior?

Mr LaSalle Junior calling me?

Tell Junior to call later. I'm busy.

- (Knocking)
- I can't. He knows you're here.

Rufus, if you're going to be a success,
be a success.

Success, here I come.

Ooh! Good morning, darling.

Hiya, baby.

(Ding)

He's busy, LS.

Really busy.

(Elastic pops)

She wears a girdle.

(Gasps and screams)

(Wolf-whistles)

(Man) Hey, Lover Doll!

I'm terribly confused, Miss Marlowe.

Well, there's nothing to be confused
about. It's all very simple.

Simple? I don't even know where I am
or what I'm doing or where we're going.

All right, I'll explain.

Point one. You want me to sign
your crazy lipstick thing, don't you?

Yes. That's how this whole thing started.

All right. Point two.

I didn't expect Bobo to shoot off
his mouth to the reporters like he did.

But it did make us headlines
all over the country,

and that kind of publicity
you can't even buy.

Why, the studio even called me
and told me to keep it up.

It's good for my next picture, a Russian
drama about two Russian brothers.

The studio's worried
about my acting in it,

so they figured the publicity would do
me and the picture some good.

So you'll get your endorsement, then
everybody'll be happy. Simple. Ooh!

Then you will sign the endorsement,
Miss Marlowe?

Well, of course. Any time you say.

Oh!

- Well, is it a deal?
- Oh, it's a deal.

I told you it was simple.

You do something for me,
I do something for you.

She agreed?
Great, I'll draw up the contract.

I knew you'd come through, boy.
A Harvard man never fails.

- How much did you agree to pay her?
- We didn't talk money.

She just agreed to do this for me
and I'd do something for her.

What? No, she didn't mean that.
What kind of mind have you got?

No, Rufe, that isn't the way
the banana splits.

She just meant that she'd scratch
my back if I'd scratch hers.

We certainly appreciate
what you're doing for the agency.

Oh, forget it. Now all we have to do
is to make you into a great lover.

Great what?

At least you're going to have to look
like a great lover so I'll look good.

Would I pick on someone
who wasn't the greatest? Ooh!

Oh, I wouldn't think so, not with
those measurements, but you did.

Don't sell yourself short, Dolly.
You know your way around a kiss.

I'm sorry about that.
I don't know why it happened.

Everything was happening so fast, I...
Something snapped.

Something snapped? You snapped,
and you're not a bad snapper, Dolly.

I know.

I've probably been snapped at
more than any girl in history,

except that communist queen.

- Catherine the Great?
- Yes, yes, her.

Well, she wasn't a communist.
She was a tzarina.

I don't care what was wrong with her.

She never had some dopey director
making her retake her kissing scenes.

At the end of a day's work at the studio,
I don't have a decent pucker left.

All I can do at night is sit home
and watch my old movies on television.

So when it comes to kissing, I know.

Hmm-mm.
But you're not so bad, Snapper.

Well, thank you very much,
Miss Marlowe.

Probably your first time
in the big leagues too, hm?

Yes, I guess up to now
I've just been a bush leaguer.

OK, here we are.

- Ooh!
- Hey! This is a justice of the peace!

I know!

Wait a minute!
People get married in here.

- Endorsement or no endorsement...
- Don't be silly.

In my racket you get married
and your fan mail takes a dive.

- Unless you're Debbie and Eddie.
- I warn you, I can't sing.

Don't look, but there are photographers
stashed all around the place.

What for?

The studio publicity department
got them here. It's all fixed.

You're going to look great
in the newspapers.

This is the first part
of your Lover Doll build-up!

- Ooh!
- (Laughing) Lover Doll!

(Women) ♪ 'Ooh, la-la! Lovair Doll!
Poupee, poupee, poup!' ♪

'Hoi!

- 'Hoi!'
- (Russian accent) 'Lover Doll!'

No, she's taking a bath.
OK, Muscles, I'll tell her.

Bye!

I've got to give it to you, honey,
those headlines did it.

Bobo says he's awfully sorry,
that blonde didn't mean a thing.

In fact, she was a brunette.
When do we leave?

Leave? And walk out
on all this publicity? Ooh.

Publicity? You can get all of that
you want in Hollywood.

Oh, hold the phone.
This is Vi you're talking to.

Don't tell me you've gone
and flipped for Rock.

Well, I'll be a writer's sub-plot.
You have.

Vi, I know it all started out
to be a stunt to burn Bobo,

but Rocky kissed me and then...

Ooh! Something happened.

Ooh!

Honest! It was just like electricity.

I know, that wonderful AC/DC feeling.
But that is not love.

Oh, it's close enough.

Now, you listen to me.

You've got to stop going overboard
for every man who makes you tingle.

First there was that English actor
who wore the sunglass monocle,

and then the Academy Award winner
who had you polishing his Oscar.

Can't think of the others.
And there was Bobo and then Rocky.

And all because you can't forget
George Schmidlapp.

What you need is a psychiatrist
or a do-it-yourself couch.

I told you never to mention
George Schmidlapp.

I've been quiet long enough.
His name is George Schmidlapp.

He's the actor
who awarded you first prize

in the Miss Florida Grapefruit contest

and he's the one you can't forget.

So why do you pick up these schnooks,

always trying to turn them into
unreasonable facsimiles of George?

Don't you realise you can never fall
in love again like you did with George?

You don't know what you're talking
about. What do you know about love?

What do I know about love?

Well, this may come as a shock but
I was young and pretty once, like you,

and equipped with just as many extras.

And I was nuts about a guy.

I was working
for a silent screen actress then,

and this guy I was nuts about
was our milkman.

I'd get a throatful of heart every a.m.

when he'd drive up to our back door
on Copa de Ora in Bel Air,

the sound of the milk bottles rattling
and little cream bottles jiggling.

Boy, it was something.

But he couldn't see me for dust.
It was stardust he saw.

(Sighs) He had the pains
for the gal I was working for

and she must have liked his brand
of cream, because they got married

and he became the producer of
all her pictures till the talkies came in.

She couldn't speak English,
being from Texas.

So the first talkie was a flop
and he left her.

But you know something?

To this day,
sometimes when I'm asleep,

I still hear those...those little
milk bottles rattling and jiggling.

So, you see, honey,
I know something about love.

Not much, but a little.

(Choked) So if anyone asks you
why I hate milk, you know.

Vi! Vi!

Vi!

(Sobs)

Oh, Vi! Oh, Vi.

I'm awfully sorry, Vi, I didn't know.

I never told anybody before. Never.

But, you see, that makes us both alike.

We both have someone
we want to forget.

I have Georgie
and, well, you have the milkman.

So what's wrong with trying to find
someone to help you forget?

I tried that once but it got so bad

I'd...I'd go to pieces every time
I saw a bottle of half and half.

Then I went to a psychiatrist.

I was gonna do that too,

except in Hollywood
they're so busy with producers,

you can't even get an appointment.

It didn't work out.
The psychiatrist I went to had a couch.

But it was built for two.

Well, honey, here's luck to you.

Maybe...maybe Rocky
can make you forget.

As for me, here's to forgetting
the high caloric way!

- Oh...oh, Mr Hunter?
- Yes, ma'am?

- Could I have your autograph?
- Sure.

On my blouse?

- There you are.
- Thank you, Mr Hunter.

You're welcome.

Good afternoon, Mr Hunter.

Twenty-three. Twenty-four.

- (Knock at door)
- (Panting) Yes?

Jenny? It's me, Rock.

(Panting) Just a minute.

Come in, dear.

Dear?

- Is everything all right, Jenny?
- Yes, of course.

Mr Rufus explained everything.

I'm sorry I behaved so badly.

- Ah...
- Ha-ha.

You do understand that's the only way
I could get Rita's endorsement?

Of course.

Naturally, when I first heard the news,

my first reaction
was completely feminine.

I was hurt, jealous. Impulsively,
I wanted to return your ring.

Oh, Jenny, you wouldn't do that?

No, after some deliberation
I decided not to.

Ah, good.

I reached the conclusion that, after all,
you are a very attractive man.

(Chuckles) Well, no, I wouldn't say that.

- You are, dear.
- Thank you.

And that actress
is a very glamorous woman.

It would be natural that
you could become attracted to her.

But I'm not attracted to her.
The whole thing's publicity.

I'm going over there now
to get her signature on her contract.

Nevertheless, the situation
made me take stock of myself,

evaluate my assets and liabilities.

Honey, I love your assets and liabilities.

- Please, Rock, let me finish.
- Sorry.

I realise now that when I went to college

I made a great mistake
just developing my mind.

A woman must compete for her man
and she should stay on her toes.

To start at the top, would you like me
to change the colour of my hair?

No! I love your hairjust as it is.

- I can get it the same colour as hers.
- No!

- I can go to the same drugstore.
- Keep your hairjust the way it is.

- I just want you to be satisfied.
- Baby, I'm satisfied with you.

Not my figure.
You can't be satisfied with that.

Of course, that will take time.

But if you're going to invest
two dollars in a marriage licence,

you should get your money's worth.

Twenty five.

- Jenny, what are you doing?
- Push-ups.

Jenny, listen to me. I love you.

- You'll love me more. 28.
- I couldn't love you any more than I do!

Sure you will.
There'll be more of me. 29.

Thirty.

Thirty-one.

(Shouting and screaming)

Beat it, kids. Lover Doll isn't here.
On your way.

- He's got to be upstairs with Rita.
- No, he's not.

- Have you seen Lover Doll in person?
- Lover Doll's not here.

- Have you seen Lover Doll in person?
- Boy, he must be something!

- Lover Doll isn't here.
- There he is! Lover Doll!

- Lover Doll!
- Lover Doll!

- Lover Doll!
- Oh, you man, you!

(Shouting)

- Where did he go?
- Who are you looking for?

- Lover Doll.
- Lover Doll?

- Lover Doll? Is Lover Doll around here?
- We didn't see him.

Lover Doll? Hey, who's that?

It's him! It's Lover Doll!

Oh, Lover Doll! Lover Doll!

Lover Doll! Lover Doll!

Lover Doll!

(Screaming)

(Girls screaming)

Oh!

(Screaming)

Did you ever in your life
see anything like this?

It seems years ago it was
only yesterday, only yesterday,

I was an ordinary guy
wearing a cheap grey flannel suit.

Today...today I'm mobbed.

Today a piece of my lapel,
a piece of shirt-tail

a shoe that needs half-soling,
these things are collector's items.

And yet you laugh.
You know, these kids are insane.

I don't have sideburns.

Would you believe it? Before I came
over here, Bennett Cerf called me up.

Wants to do a book on me entitled
"Always Leave Them Loving".

A king-size bed manufacturer

wants me to endorse
his king-size special.

"It takes the guesswork out of sleeping."

Ed Murrow
wants to "Person to Person" me.

A Hollywood producer wants me
to remake "Love Me Tender"

with me playing all the parts.

Imagine me as Debra Paget!

I'm in a crazy world all because I...

You were at the right door
at the wrong time. Sit down, Rocky.

- What you need is a drink.
- And how.

- Maybe two drinks. What'll it be?
- Something simple.

- A...a bottle and a straw.
- You'll get used to being a celebrity.

I've been secretary,
companion, confidante,

and chief bottle snatcher to glamour
queens since the nickelodeon days.

Fame hits hard at first
but you'll get so you'll love it.

Or wind up at Menninger's.

Believe it or not, Rocky,
you'll miss it when it ends.

No, not me. This is strictly a business
deal. What's taking her so long?

She's getting dressed.
What's your hurry?

I have to get home,

before a friend of mine wears herself out
or ends up with short arms.

Ooh!

Good evening, Rockwell.

Evening, Miss Marlowe.

Please forgive my appearance.
I ran into the future mothers of America.

Oh, what a shame. Vi, haven't we
something for Dolly to wear?

Oh, never mind, I...

As soon as you sign the contract, I'll go
home in a hearse. No one'll see me.

We have one of Bobo's suits.

We left the coast in such a hurry,
we packed it with our things.

Oh, no. I interviewed Bobo once.
His suit would hardly fit me.

- (Sneezes)
- Oh!

Oh, you see? You're catching a cold.

Um...why don't you let the baby dress
in Mommy's bedroom?

Come, Rocky.

You're making the same mistake again.

You're gonna build this guy up
and he's gonna leave you.

He can't. He needs that endorsement.

Go take Shamroy for a walk and
stay out late. Go see a double feature.

Hm. OK. But we're not gonna see
any of your pictures.

- Miss Marlowe?
- Oh, yes, Lover Doll.

I'm waiting for you, Dollypoo.

- Where are you?
- Oh, right here, Dolly.

- The suit is a little large.
- You think so?

It's the pants mostly.
The shoulders are all right.

(Chuckles) Sit down here.

I want to show you
how you have to act when we go out.

You know, I think Bobo
must be a pituitary case.

Well, now, how do I have to act
when we go out?

We should be a romantic couple

like Bill Holden and Jennifer Jones were
in "Love Is A Many-Splendored Thing".

I saw the picture,

and I am by no stretch
of the imagination Bill Holden.

But, then, where did you learn to use
your lips the way you do?

I don't know. Might be hereditary.

My mother
is an accomplished musician.

Tuba, trombone, bassoon, oboe.
Brass and woodwinds.

Hm.

Well, now.

To be a great lover, you must start with
the lady's hand. Take my hand, Dolly.

I will, as soon as I can find mine.
There we are.

Hm. That's fine. That's just fine.

When you see that the photographers
are ready to take our picture,

you must kiss my hand
and work your way up my arm.

Up? How far up?

As far as you can go, silly.

No! No, no, no, Dolly.

When you get to my shoulder,
you have to kiss me on the lips.

(Laughs) No, I...

I don't think I'm a lover,
Miss Marlowe, great or otherwise.

We don't look good together. I'm too
short. You should have a taller man.

When we stand side by side,
my chin only comes to your shoulders.

Don't you worry,
you're gonna be a lot taller.

I had them send a pair over
this afternoon.

- A pair of what?
- Oh, you'll see.

A lot of actors and small producers
on the coast wear them. Ooh!

You're divoon.
Oh, you're just like John Wayne.

(Giggles) Go ahead, try them.
Walk an itty bit.

Oh, that's fine.

Ooh!

I'll get the hang of them all right...

...if my nose doesn't start to bleed.

Dolly Doll, don't run away from Mama.

Dolly.

Now, Dolly, where are you going?

Jenny?

Jenny!

Oh!

Jenny!

(Crying) Jenny! Jenny!

Oh, Jenny.

Oh, Jenny, darling,
what have you done?

Oh, Jenny!

Operator, please get me Dr Cloes
on East 74th Street.

- How is she, Doctor?
- Shh. She's exhausted, Rocky.

Physically exhausted.
What's she been doing to herself?

Well, she's been exercising.
You know, doing push-ups.

Oh. I've had a number of cases
like that lately. It's a waste of time.

I think so. Can I see her?

Well, she's asleep, but you can look in.

- Doctor, her arms, they're...
- Oh, merely tightened muscles.

Reflex action brought on
by the exercising.

Sort of a high charley horse.

They'll go down.
She'll be all right tomorrow.

Like I said, Rocky,
push-ups are a waste of time.

It's really better for women to just go
to a store. You know what I mean.

I think so.

Well, good night, Doctor.

Good night. Better see your tailor.

Ladies and gentlemen,
this break in our motion picture

is made out of respect
for the TV fans in our audience,

who are accustomed to constant
interruptions in their programmes

for messages from sponsors.

We want all you TV fans to feel at home

and not forget the thrill you get watching
television on your big 21-inch screens.

I have a 21-inch screen myself,
and it's loads of fun.

TV is a remarkable invention.

Where did you go?

Oh, there you are. Hi.

Uh...as I was saying,
TV is a remarkable invention.

You can sit there in your easy chair
with your shoes off and a can of beer,

watching that wonderful clear picture
coming into your home,

bringing culture and entertainment
to you and your family.

Of course, the great thing about TV

is that you see things live
at the moment they're happening

like old movies made 30 years ago.

Oh, it's splendid.

Ah. Well.

Now, I hope all you TV fans feel wanted,

and lest there are
any radio enthusiasts in the audience,

we don't want you to feel slighted.

(♪Organ music playing)

As you know,
Jenny Wells loves Rocky Hunter

and Rocky Hunter loves Jenny Wells.

But they can't afford to get married.

And now, naughty Rita Marlowe

has come between nice Jenny Wells
and sweet Rocky Hunter.

Will Rita get Rocky?

Will Rocky forget
his true love Jenny Wells,

and go off with Rita
to fame and fortune and success?

And will success spoil Rock Hunter?

Oh, what will happen? What will happen?

(Doorbell buzzes)

Yes?

Mr Hunter's here to see you, Mr LaSalle.

'Ask Mr Hunter to come in.'

- Good morning, Mr LaSalle.
- Good morning, Mr Hunter.

I'm happy to see
you're speaking to me today.

(Chuckles) Oh, dear, I...
I'm awfully sorry about that.

I behaved childishly in the corridor.
I'd like to apologise, sir.

No need for that.
I received exactly what I deserved.

You're just being kind. There's
no excuse for behaviour like that.

Well, here is Miss Rita Marlowe's
signed endorsement.

She even agreed to do
a TV spectacular for us.

What? How did you ever
get her to do that, Mr Hunter?

Well, I guess you could say
I owe it all to my mother's musicianship.

Nevertheless, you've done
an amazing job for the agency.

And you've done a lot for me.

You know, I learned a great deal
when you snubbed me yesterday.

It was conduct completely unbecoming,
even for a Harvard man, to...

You know, Mr Hunter,
why I conduct myself in that manner?

Why I stride down the corridors
like a martinet ignoring everyone?

You're the boss. The boss can act
like a martinet if he feels like it.

No, that isn't it. I'm...

I'm a very frightened man, Mr Hunter.

Frightened?
Frightened of what, Mr LaSalle?

Frightened because I'm a success
by the dubious route of inheritance.

Being the son of an illustrious parent
is far from an easy road, Mr Hunter.

- I don't think I understand, sir.
- I'm not trying to excuse my actions.

But, you see, Mr Hunter,
I'm constantly on my mettle,

trying to prove I'm as worthy
as my illustrious parent.

And behind the big desk,

camouflaged behind
a custom-tailored grey flannel,

I pretend I am.

Do you know what I wanted to be

before I was cajoled
into being a carbon copy

of the illustrious founder
of this organisation?

This? All this isn't what you want?

This is far from it.

Gee whiz! I always thought you had it
made. I envied you your success.

I have never had it made.

I wanted to be a horticulturalist,
to develop new roses.

My success would have been
taking first prize at a flower show.

Perhaps having a new rose
named after me.

Does that sound foolish to you,
Mr Hunter?

Oh, no. No.

I wanted to raise chickens once,
like Old MacDonald.

It just didn't seem important enough.

No, of course not. You wanted success.

You're probably now raising a mixed-up
stomach. I'm sure that's more important.

But you saved this organisation,
Mr Hunter. I more than appreciate it.

And I know my illustrious parent
must be very proud of you.

Thank you, Mr LaSalle.

Oh, Mr Hunter?

I need men like you.

Please stay on.

Well, of course, I'd like to, very much.

But I won't be able to come into
the office regularly for a while.

I made certain commitments
to Miss Marlowe

to procure her endorsement.

It'll keep me a little busy for some time.

Yes, Mr Rufus told me.
I...I commend your integrity.

You're a rare commodity, Mr Hunter.

Thank you, sir.

Thank you very much, sir.

Well, talk, boy, talk! What happened
with you and the big bossy, huh?

He is so nice. He is so nice, Rufe.
He offered me my job back.

(Laughs) He's a lot nicer than that,
Rocky boy.

Congratulations, Your Honour.
And when do I get my raise?

Oh, I never thought
I'd live to see that. Oh!

I know.
Kind of gets you here, doesn't it?

It really does. It just makes everything
that's happened seem worthwhile.

Worthwhile?

Take a gandy at this, laddie.

The key.

Your key to the executive powder room.

Wow.

You're gonna love that liquid soap.
It's imported.

Oh, Rufe. This is a moment...

- I'll never forget it.
- I know.

I remember when I got my first key.

This means I'm...

Say it, boy, say it. Don't be modest.

- I'm an executive!
- You got it made.

And, you know, it's a miracle how you
overcame your education. Ha-ha-ha!

Now take it.
Take the key, Rocky, and go, boy, go.

I wish Jenny were here
to share this moment.

No women allowed.

Go, boy. Go!

Oh, the beauty of it all!

Hi, honey. How do you feel?

Ooh!

Ooh! Ooh!

Ooh!

I feel just divoon.

- Ooh!
- Jenny, stop that.

I've opened some of your fan mail,
Mr Hunter.

Ooh! See?

I've separated it
into the proper classifications.

Proposals of marriage
to you from widows.

Proposals of marriage to you
from bachelor girls.

And proposals of marriage to you
from married women.

Ooh!

I think that's all.
But if you need me, just breathe hard.

I'll hear you. Ooh!

- Miss Wells!
- Yes?

Why don't you "Lover Doll" me?
Go ahead!

All right, Mr Hunter.
Lover Doll, Lover Doll, Lover Doll!

Once was enough. Thank you.

(Slam)

- That's Lover Doll?
- That's Lover Doll.

He ain't no Pat Boone.

Oh, I'm coming unglued.
I'm coming unglued.

Jenny!

Now you listen to me!

I'm sorry I shouted at you. Really, I am.

Jenny? Mr LaSalle can understand
that a man has to keep his promises.

Why can't you?

There's nothing between Rita and me,
really, there isn't.

We both owe her a great deal.

If it wasn't for her, would I have
a key to the executive washroom?

Would I be a VIP?

Rita Marlowe made it possible for us.
Now we can afford to get married.

Doesn't that mean anything to you?

You wanted me to be a big success.
Now I'm on my way. We've got it made.

- Let's enjoy it the way we planned.
- Poop.

- Jenny, if you go down in that lift...
- You're right, we're through.

All right, but just you remember this
and don't you forget it.

When you see me walking down
the street in my elevator shoes,

remember it was you that did it.

♪ Don't worry, don't be afraid
Have confidence and you've got it made

♪You've got it made, you've got it made

♪You've got those charms
That you once prayed for

♪You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Successful, you've got it made

♪When life for you she first begin

♪You envied stars like Gable and Flynn

♪ But now that you are strong and virile

♪You take no back seat
For Clark or Errol

♪When you were young
And first start out

♪You were no Don Juan
There is no doubt...

You blind-date often, Miss Summers?

Only when I'm blind.

- I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean it the way it sounded.

I just got the homogenised blues.

Darling, what's happened to you?

This music brings out
the Belafonte in me, Miss Marlowe.

No, you're so different tonight.

No, I'm the same Lover Doll
I've always been, honest.

♪Shoulders narrow and not much chin

♪ But ugly duckling the swan grew quick

♪To beat off the women
You carry a stick

♪Your mouth, it's nice
Your eyes are blue

♪Your nose is finely chiselled too

♪When you walk down the street
It's true

♪You don't whistle at girls
Because they whistle at you

♪You've got it made
You've got it made

♪ Mr Successful

♪You've got it made ♪

Just one more, Lover Doll.

- (Clicks)
- Thanks, folks.

(Groaning)

Ooh!

(Barks)

(TV) 'Now for the first time on any show,
right here on our stage, on our show,

'we will show you
that we really have got a big show.

'Here he is in person, Lover Doll Hunter.

'Lover Doll will show
all the men in our audience

'how to really keep all their wives
and sweethearts happy.

'Show them on our show.'

'All women love to be kissed when
they are wearing Stay-Put Lipstick,

'and to kiss properly
you must first pucker your lips

'and hold her in your arms gently,
watching the position of the right hand.'

Leave two quarts tomorrow.

♪ Mr Successful

♪You've got it made ♪

Talk about sales!
Would you believe it, LD?

Rita's endorsement
has Stay-Put selling four to one

over our nearest competitor.

And is her Spectacular
gonna be spectacular!

We've had 18 writers on it

and we're warming up a top rewrite team
to rewrite the last top rewrite team.

And we're getting
a great big important guest star.

Sounds great.

You don't sound very enthusiastic.
This is your baby.

Well, tell you the truth,
I'm kind of tired, Rufe.

- Have you seen Jenny lately?
- No, I haven't seen her.

- You're not still thinking about Jenny?
- Mm, no. Just asking.

Oh, no, no, no.
That's not your office any more.

- LS has a bigger office for you.
- Bigger?

Things have been popping with Junior
while you were away.

- How is Mr LaSalle?
- Never better. All thanks to you, LD.

This is Miss Carstairs. She's new here.

- Good morning, Mr Hunter.
- Good morning, Miss Carstairs.

If you want anything, just call.

Mm-hm.

- Really stacked, that Carstairs dishy.
- Attractive.

She's on the 80 proof side
but you're a drinking man.

Mr LaSalle removed
the portrait of his father.

Yep, Papa's gone.

And the roses too. Gee, the office
doesn't look the same without the roses.

Junior took them too.
You'll have to choose your own posies.

- Choose my own what?
- Posies. The kind you like.

Just tell the stack outside.
She'll order 'em.

Rufe, where is Mr LaSalle?

Which one, Junior or Senior?

Well, I know where Senior is.
Where's Mr LaSalle Junior?

Junior's bye-bye too.

And I think you'd better give me back
that key to the executive powder room.

You're in solitary from here on in.

(Laughing)

(Choir) ♪You've got it made... ♪

(Humming tune)

(Coughs)

Hello there, Rockwell.

I'd like to have a talk with you,
Mr LaSalle.

Oh, haven't we reached the point
where we can use first names?

- Please call me Irving.
- Irving?

I'd like to have a little of your time,
Irving.

There's not much to say, Rockwell.

After our conversation that day,
I...I started thinking.

Huh! I hadn't done any thinking
since I inherited the agency.

It's not the kind of business
that requires thinking

so...so the process
was a little strange for me,

but I muddled it through
to a logical conclusion

and my problems, as Rufus would say,
were solvy solvied.

I was impressed with you.

You seemed eager
for what you thought was success.

You no longer believed in your...
your chicken farm dreams.

You were, in a manner of speaking,
a gift from the gods.

You were the perfect man
to sit at my desk and enjoy it,

the kind of man my illustrious parent
would have respected as a son...

(Chuckles) ...instead
of the rose grubber he sired.

I'm...I'm not at all sure
I'm the man to sit behind your desk.

I'm certain you are.
Success will fit you like a shroud.

Now, this is an office
I really enjoy working in,

though I don't imagine my illustrious
parent is as happy as he was.

You didn't mind me
removing his portrait, did you?

- No, no, certainly not.
- I'm glad.

I wanted Daddy's picture with me.

You see, Rockwell, I had got used
to Daddy frowning down on me

all those long, long years.

And now the old buzzard
can be as miserable in my office

as he made me in his.

Daddy was the first Ivy Leaguer,
you know.

(Chuckles)

- Good night, Mr Hunter.
- Good night, Ed.

- (Both) Evening, Mr Hunter.
- Evening. Evening.

(Choir) ♪You've got it made

♪You've got it made

♪This is the dream you've prayed for

♪You got it made, you got it made

♪ Mr Successful, you got it made

♪You used to wish for lots of things

♪Continentals with sterling piston rings

♪ Now that you're rich
Never more to be poor

- ♪You have a chauffeur, butler
- ♪And private masseur

♪You've got it made, you've got it made

♪Your cheques won't bounce
And your bills are all paid for

♪You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Executive, you've got it made

♪ Movie stars and glamour girls

♪Will run their fingers
Through your curls

♪ Hug and squeeze you...

- Ooh!
- ♪ But you won't care

♪You'll just smile and be so debonair

♪You have the finest office in town

♪ Forty-four storeys above the ground

♪You are the king of all you survey

♪With expense account for
large amount, you never have to pay

♪Your desk, so big as he
Fourteen carat mahogany

♪You're big, big, big
You're grand, grand, grand

♪Got the world in the palm of your hand

♪You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Big Shot, Mr Successful
Mr Executive, Mr Big

♪ Mister man in the grey flannel suit

♪You've got it made

♪You've got it made, you've got it made

♪ Mr Big Shot, Mr Successful

♪ Mr Executive

♪You've got it made ♪

Oh, I'm sorry.

(Groans)

Jenny.

I didn't know you'd be here
so early in the morning.

Well, I just wanted to return this.

I meant to give it back
to you before, but...

(Sighs)

Jenny.

I couldn't keep it lit.

I tried. I really tried.

I'm sorry.

Jenny!

I know now why I couldn't keep it lit.

Yeah. Remember that psychiatrist
I was telling you about?

- Yes?
- Well, he was right.

All my life, I've fought
against being a failure.

I didn't have sense enough
to know that I'm not a failure.

I'm the largest success there is.
I'm an average guy.

And all us average guys are successes.

We run the works,
not the big guy behind the big desk.

He's knocking himself out
trying to figure out how to please us,

please you and me
and all the other us's like us.

Who do they try to sell with advertising?
Nobody but us.

Who gives a television series
a good Trendex? We do.

Who elects the presidents?
Nobody but us.

You understand
what I'm trying to tell you, Jenny?

I suppose I do.

I suppose I never wanted to be
anybody but me, plain Jenny Wells.

(Sighs) I tried.

But those tight sweaters are too heavy.

Plain Jenny Wells,

plain Rockwell Hunter
just wants to go through life with you.

That's very nice to hear.

But what about that not-so-plain sweater
girl you're marrying this afternoon?

Marrying? Oh, that's just some
of Rita's publicity nonsense.

Nonsense?
Louella Parsons says it's true.

It's a lead in her column, and Louella's
never wrong. She's never wrong!

Honey, Rita doesn't love me. She loves
a guy named Georgie Schmidlapp.

She's been trying to forget him,
the way I tried to forget you.

Only we both failed.

Jenny. Marry me today.

- Louella's never wrong.
- Jenny, please. Marry me today.

You'll be a bigamist, two wives
in one day, you'll be arrested.

They'll put you in jail. But I'll come
to see you every visiting day.

(MC) 'Stay-Put Spectacular
is on the air,

'brought to you in black-and-white
and contemptible colour...

'Pardon me, compatible colour,
starring...

- Ooh!
- ...Rita Marlowe and a surprise guest.'

(Applause)

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

This is Rita Marlowe, star of stage,
screen and now live television.

Ooh!

Because this is my first
live television appearance,

the sponsor has agreed
to relinquish his commercial time.

There will be no mention
of Stay-Put Lipstick,

nor Stay-Put Lipstick's wonderful
Stay-Put Lipstick colours,

such as Stay-Put Lipstick Red,
Stay-Put Lipstick Pink,

Stay-Put Lipstick Flame,
Stay-Put Lipstick Crimson,

Stay-Put Lipstick Magenta,
Stay-Put Lipstick Devil Red.

These are wonderful lipsticks

I personally use
for my oh-so-kissable lips...

Ooh!

...that you will not be hearing about.

And now for our first
big surprise guest star...

(Sighs)

- ...Georgie Schmidlapp?
- (Applause)

Rita, I love you.

Oh, and I love you, Georgie.
But why did you wait so long to tell me?

You know you never
even tried to kiss me.

I never could get that close.

Ah, but it's wonderful to be in love.

And it's even more wonderful to be
on a TV show without any commercials.

Here, hold this until I get back.

(Audience applauds)

(Rock) 'Rita Marlowe and her true love
Georgie Schmidlapp are successful now.

'You bet your life.

'And another big success is this family.

'They made the grade.
Grade A Extra Large.'

Chick, chick, chick!

(Rock) 'They really have it made,
as long as the price of eggs stays up.

'This fellow is a big successy
as the big bossy,

'even though his new secretary
put him on a milk diet,

'his Scotch, Bourbon, gin and
Manischewitz-flavoured lipsticks

'are a big hit.

'And this horticulturalist
developed a new fast-growing rose.'

I was awarded the first prize.

Yes, it's...it's called the Irving rose.

We've learned that success
is just the art of being happy.

And being happy is...
Well, being happy is just...

(All) The very living end.

♪Oh!

♪This is the living end

♪They've got it made
They've got it made