Will Reading (2020) - full transcript

- I can do this.

- Hello, you handsome son of a bitch.

Time for me to get what's mine.

Wendy?

- I'm in the kitchen.

- Hey.

- Hello.

- Smells

good.

- Thanks.

- Oh, uh, what do you want me to do with



Will's will thingy here?

- Oh,

just leave it on the table,

I'm gonna put it in my
bedroom until later.

- Whatever.

Where's that kid of yours?

- Dana is at my parent's.

- That

is excellent news.

- I'm going to ignore that.

- Yes, I've noticed.

No wine glasses?

- There's no wine, so.

- Who hosts a dinner party without wine?



- Wayne, I can't afford it.

- Then I guess I'm off to the liquor store

to procure some wine

with my fabulous Derek Jeter-like wealth.

Even those poor bastards at
the last supper had wine.

- Look, Wayne.

- Yeah.

- Can we please be civil tonight?

- It was ridiculous while Will was alive,

but now that he's dead,
let's just drop the charade,

shall we?

Yeah.

- What an asshole!

- Hello.

- Hi.

- It's just that boarding
school is so far away.

- It'll be all right.

We'll see each other on

weekends.

- Weekends?

But it won't be the same.

- No,

it won't be.

It'll never be like this again!

Thank you for coming, Steve.

- Of course.

- Dinner should be ready soon,

please make yourself comfortable.

- Thanks.

You all right?

- I'm fine, fine.

- Mm.

Would you get that, Steve?

- Yeah, no problem, sure.

Tom.

- Hi Steve.

- Come in!

- Thanks.

So, are you?

- Wendy's in the kitchen, cooking,

I just got here like

a moment ago.

Some decor.

- I was just thinking the same thing.

Does it bother you?

- No, why would it?

- Well, it's making me feel
a little uncomfortable.

- I have a minor flower allergy,

but nothing that debilitates
me to the point of...

- I was talking more about
the pictures of Will.

- No, why would it?

- Well, there's

an unusually large number
of pictures of Will.

- No, I mean, I'm fine with it.

Really.

What's done is done.

I didn't see you at the funeral.

- I was out of town, man,

I was able to make the wake, though.

- Oh,

your dad?

- Yeah, I had to check him
into the hospital again.

- Ka boom!

- Lower your voice!

- Relax.

Geez, who died?

Oh yeah.

- Do you think it's a party?

- Well, you know,

it's kind of a party,

I mean, it's not a very
good party, but you know,

it's a dinner party, so,
that's a kind of party.

- It's not a party at all.

- Hey, it's Dr. Tom.

Dr. Tom.

- Hello Dave.

- Hey, you guys look, a,

you guys are pretty
good, you're all pimping.

Pimping!

- And you look like you're
going down the shore.

- It's Friday.

Let me ask you a question,

is there a large amount of
flowers here, like unusually,

like, too many flowers?

- Well the man is dead!

- Lower your voice.

- Her husband died, okay!

She can put out a few flowers.

- But it's like the
fucking Rose Bowl in here.

- There does seem to be some

compensation going on for something.

- Lower your voice!

- Look, all I'm saying,

I'm sitting here, I look the flowers,

I look at the picture,
I look at more flowers,

I see another photo, I see more flowers,

I see another photo, I see
another photo, I see flowers!

- Shut up!

- It's unhealthy.

It's not like there's a kinda
singul shrine to Will in here.

- He's a doctor.

- It's more like a pharaoh's tomb,

and it's not like these flowers

are left over from the funeral,

that was too long, they'd be dead by now.

- Like Will.

- Shut up, Dave!

- You get offended every
time I say anything!

You're like a mother hen.

- What?

- You know what you sound like?

You sound like Mary's mother
from "It's A Wonderful Life".

Steve, let me ask you a question,

when was the last time you
made violent love to a woman?

Was it Wendy?
- Stop right there, okay.

Lower your voice, stop acting like a dick.

- Steve.
- What the hell was...

- Steve, Steve,

this night is becoming a
little too much for you,

I can see that.

- You're actually becoming a little...

- Yeah, that's fine.

What I need you to do,
is sit down, relax, okay?

I'll go in the kitchen,
check on the beer 'sitch.

- I'll check the beer 'sitch.
- No, you sit down and relax,

everything's gonna be fine.

Maybe I'll touch a boob, I don't know.

- Oh, fuck you.

- Hey.

Keeping secrets?

- More like

protecting my interests.

- Whatever.

You got any beer?

- No.

- Right, you don't drink beer,

I forgot about your aversion to fun.

- I have an aversion

to irresponsibility, if
that's what you mean.

- A couple of beers is not irresponsible.

- It is if you need to
spend that money on food.

- Beer was used as a source of nutrition

during the Black Plague.

- A problem modern sanitation

seems up to the challenge of
handling, don't you think?

- Yeah, I spend a lot of time

thinking about the Black Plague.

- You used to spend a lot of time

thinking about a lot of things,

maybe if just would have
applied yourself a little bit

instead of dropping out of school,

then we wouldn't be..
- I don't have any interest

in discussing things
that happened between us

like 10 years ago.

Like, at all.

- Right.

- Well, there's no beer.

- Wendy doesn't drink beer.

- Yeah, right right.

- Tom,

hello. - Hello.

- Well, dinner is almost ready,

you wanna follow me into the kitchen.

- Well, this is great, Wendy.

- And the presentation!

- And what fabulous window treatment!

Oh, and what a great centerpiece, amazing!

Can we eat now?

- We are waiting for Wayne.

- Sure.

- Did you get a cat?

- No, I have no idea what that sound was.

So, Tom, how's your practice going,

is it tough being out there on your own?

- Tough isn't the word,

it's hard to get new patients and

you can forget about word of mouth

when your best customers are wackos.

- Wackos?

Is that a technical term, doctor?

- Well,

not really, but

sometimes, I...

Do you ever think that maybe

you've gone into the wrong profession?

- Yes.

- I shouldn't tell you guys this, but

what the hell.

I'll be sitting there
listening to a patient

and they're going on about God knows what,

dumb stuff, boring stuff,

ridiculous stuff that's not real,

and part of me wants to
grab them by the lapels

and start screaming in their face!

But, I know I can't do that.

So instead, I just end up
shutting down, literally,

and I fall asleep in
the middle of a session.

- So you fell asleep once, big deal.

- More like once a day.

- Oh.

- Minimum.
- Oh.

- I'm only doing slightly
better than that.

- If you're staying awake,

you're doing a lot better than me.

- I'm staying awake,

but I can be talking, I'm in court,

I don't even know what I'm saying.

I'll be talking and all of
the sudden I find myself

spouting gibberish.

Murder,

and we've all made that mistake,

accidents happen.

We've all done it, I know I've done it,

you've done it, you've done it,

I'm sure your honor has done it.

- Counselor.

- We all make mistakes.

It's a very easy mistake to make.

It's very easy to scratch
the paint on your car,

you know, 'cause you have your key out,

and on the key is the
button to unlock the door!

- Counselor.

- Same button, same key.

- Counselor!
- Which brings me

to my client's state of mind
on February the 5th, 2011.

Gibberish, it's embarrassing.

- Hello?

- We're in the back.

- Yo,

I brought wine.

- One bottle for five people, thank you.

And it's a twist off.

- So, why do you drink wine, Wayne?

- I only drink cheap Italian wine.

You mean instead of beer?

- Well, stereotypically speaking,

a lot of sports fans like yourself

tend to drink more beer than wine.

- More alcohol per volume, son!

Besides, beer is quire
and liquor is thicker,

but wine is fine, or something like that.

So, what were you guys talking about?

- Work,

Tom's practice, Steve's practice.

- Oh doc, I have a question for you,

does anyone come in
with like weird dreams?

'Cause I've been having the same one

over and over.

- What about?

- You know that scene in "Fight Club"

where Brad Pitt and Ed Norton realize

that they're the same person?

- Thanks a lot!

- Oh, my God, that was like
15 years ago, seriously?

Anyway, so, I'm Ed Norton
in the dream, right.

- Yeah.

- Well, there's more.

Instead of my second personality

being a soap making, underground boxing,

terrorist cell leader, okay?

- Okay.

- He's on his way to
becoming a Catholic deacon.

- Really, what?

- Yeah, a Catholic deacon.

- Well,

you are catholic.

- I'm agnostic.

- Right, well, so, instead of

like being chiseled Brad Pitt, you're

just really, really into catholicism?

- Exactly.

- But he is.

- Like, I confess how you wanna confess,

I worship how you wanna
worship, it's fucking weird.

- I think

you're going to be okay.

- Thanks doc.

- And what about you, Steve,

how are things at your practice?

- It's,

it's funny what he said,
it's actually a lot like

Tom was saying, it's really, really hard

to get the word out.

A lot of my clients
have to go pro bono, so,

you know, people that are
getting picked on by the system.

- Like Santa Claus.

- What?

- How've you not seen
"Miracle On 34th Street"?

- For one, I'm Jewish.

- That's no excuse.

- Not an excuse, it's a reason.

- Are you representing
Kris Kringle or not?

- That is the sort of
case we would do, yes,

hypothetically, doesn't pay well though.

- So,

couldn't you do some
kind of advertising then?

To bring in a more prosperous client?

- Well, advertising, yeah.

Well, the thing is the

my mortgage and the insurance

and the insurance for
the business itself and

I don't have the money,

to budget in for
advertising and investment.

- Well, you know, Will always said that

you are a very good lawyer,

so I'm sure this will all work itself out.

- Well, thanks.

- So.

- So.

- The store.

- Yes Dave, how are things
down at the toy store?

- The Spider's Web is not a toy store!

- But it's like you sell toys, right?

- We sell comic books, graphic novels,

various collectables and busts.

- Bust?

- No, not busts, like busts.

Although, that would be
awesome though, right?

Right?

Completely different kind of store, right?

- How is the collectables
business this days?

- Pretty much sucks.

You know, the collectables
and the busts do okay.

- Busts.

- But weekly comic books sales,

just don't drive foot
traffic anymore, you know,

we're lucky to get people
in a few times a year.

- How could that be?

I see like 10 comic book
movies last year alone.

- Yeah, well you know,

there's no much trickle down actually.

Things be the way they are,

we're lucky if we make it
through the rest of the year.

- Oh, jeez, I'm sorry to hear that, man.

- I'm sorry, Dave.

- Yeah, I'm sorry, Dave, jeez!

- Yeah, well, you know,
things could be worse.

Could be dead.

Right?

- Right.

- To life.

Right? - To life.

- To life.

One of those.

Give me that, put it, click it,

put it on there, if you catch that, yeah.

Don't be quiet.

- So, well, what about you, Wendy,

are you cooking anywhere now?

- I'm in between jobs right now,

the vegan chef market is
bigger than it used to be

but it's still,

pretty fucking small!

- Would it kill you to grill up a steak?

- It would kill the cow!

Are you still a

bigger movie aficionado
as you used to be, Dave?

- I try to watch a movie
that I've never seen

every single night.

- What an ambitious goal.

- Oh yeah, it's the test.

- I'm sorry?

- Yeah, I'm just saying
watching movies is great,

now can read this will
thing, or what's the story?

- Seriously.

- It's in my,

it's in my bedroom, I'll get it,

I'll get it after dinner.

- All right.

- I'm sorry, it's just,

I hear what I have to confront,

it's so head on, you know?

- There are photos of him everywhere.

For real, it's like Will's
portrait studio up in this peace.

- It's just

so hard.

- Yeah, you know, it's
probably harder than Will

being dead and all.

- Oh, for God's sakes!

- I'm just saying, that
Will is the one who is dead

and if you wanna feel bad for
somebody, feel bad for Will.

- It's not as if nothing happened to me.

- You got the house!

- That I have no way of paying for.

- Yet your budget has
an individual lying item

for enough flowers to make
poison Ivy herself flash.

- What?

- He's doing a Batman reference.

- Pamela Isley, it's Batman doing this.

- Oh,

well, flowers are fake.

- You're fake!
- All right,

that's enough.

- Enough of what?

- Dude!

- I'm just saying we all have problems

and I don't think anybody here

is particularly happy with their situation

and I'm not gonna sit here, okay,

and pretend the their marriage

was anything more than a charade.

- You need to stop now!

- Oh, get a grip!

And by the way,

you need to learn how to
work the privacy settings

on your social media a little better.

- I went out on one date with that moron

while Will and I were separated

and he photoshopped my
face onto that picture.

- So you're saying

the princess Leia "Return
To The Jedi" costume

is not tucked away in your attic?

Because that's the saddest
thing I've ever heard.

- I'm happy with my situation.

- Excuse me for a second,

what's that?

- A second ago you were
saying nobody at the table

was happy with their
situation in life, I'm good.

- You have no idea what
you're talking about,

Will made it this way with his

high stakes, short selling, whatever.

- Is that why he killed himself?

- Dude!

- He did not kill himself.

- Oh, but it was you then?
- Okay,

this is a good opportunity

for everyone to take a deep breath.

Good.

Have a sip of wine.

Take another deep breath.

- This is not over.

- And we can focus our energy

in a more positive direction.

- Yeah, but why don't
we go around the table

and

share some things about Will,

'cause that's why we're here.

- We're certainly here because of Will.

- Exactly.

So, I'll start, I'll start.

Will was very,

Will was, Will was very clean!

He was clean.

- That was a well trimmed beard.

- Sort of made it look
like Frasier, you know.

- Yes, yes I can see that, yeah.

- I remember he borrowed
large sums of money from me

and was never able to pay me back.

- Yeah,

that. - Cheers.

- I had such a good time

watching the World Series with Will.

Wendy put out an amazing
spread that month.

He was so happy, he really enjoyed that.

That's why I'll always remember him,

embracing euphoria.

- I'll remember he was
pissed drunk that night.

- Oh, Will.

- Oh, please.

- Did anybody see the game

last night?

- No.

- I was helping Dana with
her book report.

- Awful pitching.

- Yeah, it was terrible.

- If we learned anything from 2004,

it's that you can plug in
your way to World Series.

- Started pitching with championships.

- So, what's the book report on?

- Thank you, Jackie Robinson.

- Oh, that's good, that's good.

- Good coincidence, we're
just talking about baseball

and then a baseball player.

- A parkway too.

- Yeah.

- Well, I got a long drive ahead of me,

the dinner was

something,

but he's out.

- What, you're leaving?

- Yep.

- What about the addendum?

- Codicil.

- Is a what now?

- Codicil, your add or evoke changes

to an already existing will.

- Never mind.

- This,

it's about all I can stand,

besides, Will already left me

his share of our parents
bungalow in Cape May,

I'm gonna go out there and
I'm gonna sell that house,

then I'm gonna have the bank

convert that money into dollar bills,

and I'm gonna roll around
in it for a little while,

maybe build a little fort out of it,

then I'm gonna go find young
bitches, with loose morals,

who likes small unmarked bills.

- What about Wendy?

- That's gross.

- She is distraught.

- She's always distraught.

She cries if they mess up
her order at Taco Bell,

and she's my sister in law,

and you know her, all right, Steve,

so you got this, right?

I trust you, Will trusted you, Wendy...

- No.

- Wendy's sitting right over there,

I'm sure she can handle all this bullshit,

but as for me, goodnight,
goodbye and good luck.

- What the hell!

- Excuse me for a moment, please.

- Would you stop antagonizing her?

- I'm just keeping it real.

- What?

- I said, I'm keeping it real.

- It is important to be yourself

and not keep things bottled up.

- Yes, but can we ride
the line a bit closer

to a polite etiquette for
the grieving widow, and

further from a stand up
comic parading a heckler.

- Conflict can help us
confront unresolved issues

in relationships.

- Grieving widow, my ass!

- Stop being an asshole.

- Will you stop being
a whiny little bitch!

- Name calling isn't productive.

- Lower your voice!

- Sorry about that.

- No problem just, we were,
- No problem.

- Just chatting.

- Does anyone care for fruit or dessert?

- Oh.

- You can't recycle that.

- Why not?

- Because the number's too high.

- What does that mean?

- There's a little number
inside the triangle,

and in this case it's a five.

Take five, so
it has to go in the trash.

- That's bullshit.

- That's the rule.

- Did you make the dessert

with the fermented grapes in
the watermelon that I like?

- No.

- So Dave, what happened here?

- Life son!

It's a hard world out there.

- Well, I meant the cane.

- Oh, I got shot in the foot.

- What?

- I got shot in the foot.

- How the hell did that happen?

- Hey, you know, there was a

robbery at the grocery
store and I was there.

- Holy shit, that was you.

- Yeah, you know, I'm a
pretty much a superstar hero.

It hurt, you know, but
whatever, I gotta lick in.

So, I'm standing in the grocery store,

minding my own business,

and pondering the world of
pickled cucumber delights,

when all of a sudden, a
masked maniac bursts in

yelling and screaming

as he brandishes his phallic
weapon at the innocent.

Women and children shuttered in terror,

while the men found themselves
covered in their own urine,

collecting in perfect circles

between their unweathered boat shoes.

An elderly man powered by a
sudden surge of adrenaline

was spry and seemed ready to intervene,

but instead, dove for cover
behind a yellow mustard display.

Greatest Generation my ass.

Meanwhile, the nefarious villain
was all, "Hands in the air"

as he came directly into
my fields of attack.

A vile view of a fallen man,
it was as terrible as the dawn

treacherous as the seas.

He stood at the head of the
aisle with his back to me,

and I took up in my hands,
the mighty jar condiment

and rained down delicious
justice upon his crown.

- So, you hit the guy.

- Yeah, you know, I hit
him with the jar pickles.

- You what?

- They didn't mention that
in the news, did they?

Yeah, you know, this guy was
all like, "Hands in the air",

you know, but his back was turned,

so I smashed him in the head
with the jar of pickles.

You know, his gun went off
a couple of times though

and he got me in the foot.

Actually kind of a shame,

it was a really good jar of pickles.

You know, the deal kind?

- Pretty lucky.

- Yeah, I think the word
that the cops used was brave,

but yeah.

- What if you had missed?

What if he had pointed
the gun up instead of down

and shot you in the head?

You put yourself and everyone
in that store in danger.

- I couldn't just stand around

and wait for somebody else to get hurt.

- Tom's a psychiatrist,

so I'll leave the analyzing to him.

Steve, Steve's a lawyer, so

he's my go to guy for legal advice.

When I'd like to stop somebody

from committing a criminal act,

I'd rather wait for the cops

than some guy who stacks
shelves in a toy store.

- That's not unreasonable.

- You're just jealous

that I Batman the shit out of that guy.

- You could have killed him.

- He could have killed me.

- Yeah, well,

I think you're both making
some very valid points here,

I mean, Wendy is talking about

the dangers of vigilantism,
which is very valid,

whereas Dave...

- My point is that I'm Batman,

and if anyone points a gun at me,

they have my permission to die.

- You said his back was to you.

- Yeah, you know, same difference.

- Isn't that how

Will died?

I mean, not the armed robbery guy,

I don't, I'm sorry, I was
out of town when it happened

and I had to leave
right after the service.

- Yes,

it was

a blow to the head.

- Blunt force trauma.

- I get it, McCoy.

- But how?

How did it come to pass
that he was hit in the head?

- I'm sorry,

excuse me.

- Jesus.

- Well, if everyone's
done with dessert, we can

make ourselves more
comfortable in the living room.

Can I get anyone anything else?

- Could we just do this thing now?

- Dave!

- No, he's right.

I'll go get the document.

- Big money, big money,
big money, big money

and Wendy's stop!

- Lower your goddamn voice.

- Don't act like you don't need the money.

- I need the money.

Of course, I need the money,
we all need the money,

Will knows

that we needed money, presumably
why he left us some money.

- I thought Will lost all his money.

- Lower your voice.

- Well, here it is.

I am,

I think Wayne preferred, you do the honors

and I certainly have no objection.

- Be happy to.

I mean, I'm not happy to
read your dead husband's Will

addendum, codicil.

Let's begin.

- Sorry.

- All right, from the desk of William.

Greetings friends, if you're reading this,

I'm dead or missing

or in a coma with no chance
of regaining consciousness.

Anyway, if you're mourning
for me, thanks. that's nice.

If not, that's okay, too,

it's not as though you can
hurt my feelings at this point.

I'm sure you're wondering why

I brought you all here tonight,

instead of bequeathing through
the standard procedure,

but as you know,

I've had quite a bit of
trouble with the authorities,

and I felt that some
things were better left

below board, if you will.

So, that's why now,

I should explain why you,

you five specifically,

Wayne, my beloved brother,

and Wendy,

my wife,

Tom and Steve, my oldest friends,

and of course,

Dave, the best roommate
any co Ed could ask for.

- Lambda, lambda, lambda, bitches.

- I've asked you all here

to participate in something
of a treasure hunt.

Again, because of the IRS,

trusting such a thing as this to a bank,

or a lawyer, no offense, Steve,

didn't seem prudent.

I have left this last gift to all of you

and have hidden it safely

within the confines of these walls.

I dare not mentioned the exact location,

lest this document should
fall into the wrong hands,

but rest assured, if you all work together

and use the memories of
time well spent here,

you'll find what you're looking for.

Good luck to you all,

but you should probably burn
this because again, the IRS.

Excelsior, Will.

- So, there's money hidden in my house?

- That's what it sounds like.

- And it doesn't say where?

- No, I read the whole thing,

fine tooth comb.

- But is there like a picture
in there or something,

like of the faucet with the
snake on it in "Harry Potter"?

- That's it.

- Well, we have to start looking for it,

we have no other choice.

- Well, I can't think of anything.

- Then it's settled.

Wendy, it's your house,
how should we proceed?

- I think we can safely
eliminate the garage

as Will never went in there,

so, that leaves us with
just the house to search.

So, I guess we just divide
up and start looking?

- Yeah, you know what?

I'll take the basement, all
right, lasers boo boo boo.

- Okay, so that just leaves

this floor in the attic to search.

I prefer to search the bedrooms.

- Yeah, right?

'Cause it's your personal
stuff, personal private stuff,

stuff that belongs to you, panties.

Tom and I will look upstairs.

- Great.

- We'll check the attic.

- Thank you.

- After you.

- Why don't you go first.

- Thanks, Tom.

Holy shit.

- Where should we start?

- This side.

- Jeez, there's a lot
of stuff in this attic.

I could go through all this
all night with a fluoroscope

and still not find anything.

- We don't have all night,
let's just look real quick,

so we can get right back to helping Wendy.

- I'd rather she came up here to help us.

- Did you hear that?

- Hear What?

- I don't know, let's just keep looking.

- What are we looking for?

- Are you aware that I know
everything that you know,

it's probably just a
lockbox or a portable safe.

- I found.

- What?

- A lightsaber.

- Oh,

does it work?

- It does.

- I'll call Dave.

- We're never gonna find
anything in all this mess,

let's just go find Wendy,
see what she suggests.

- All right.

- Open the door.

- I'm trying.

- What?
- It's locked.

- How the hell did that happen?

- I have no idea!

- Okay.

- How are we gonna get out of here?

- I'll call Dave.

- No, I'll call Wendy.

Hi,

find any goodies?

So, funny story, Tom and
I are up to the attic

and the door is locked.

Okay, we'll see in a bit.

Guess this is what it's like,

we don't know how that happened,

bye.

On a shmuck, Tom.

- Hey, ham.

- Thanks.

- Yeah.

- I am so sorry about that,

it's a twistlock doorknob,

so you gotta be careful with that.

- Yeah, could have sworn
that we left it open.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, whatever,

hand me the lightsaber.

Hmm,

late 90s,

vintage,

Phantom Menace line.

Quite a g-model,

hmm.

Hmm, still works.

Where did you get this?

- You gave it to Will.

- Oh, did I?

- Well, any luck up there?

- There's a lot of stuff up there.

- Yeah, we were hoping that maybe you can

give us the cliff notes.

- Bet it was a long shot anyway,

Will never went up there.

So, should we keep looking?

- Yeah, time is money, money's time.

Let's go.

Let's all keep looking.

Get back to work.

- I'm done with the attic.

Mind if I join you?

- Yeah, sure, why not?

- That's okay, I'll stay

and cover the nuts and crannies up there.

- You sure?

- Yeah, I'm good, I got this.

- Okay, well, if you need
anything, give us a call.

- Will do.

- Lasers, boo boo boo.

- Don't you mean laser swords?

- Yeah, well, you know, I
love to sit around all night

and talk about the "Star
Wars" prequels, but you know,

we get into "Phantom Menace",

we'll be here all day and
night, you know what I mean?

- Fair enough.

- Alright.

- So, how far did you get?

- Not very.

I found some of his booze

and a lot of workout magazines

and Richard Simmons workout videos.

- Yeah, he was

into

stuff.

- Yeah.

Hey, I got an idea,

maybe he howled out a
book and hid cash in it,

like in "The Shawshank Redemption"?

You ever see that movie?

- It's on TV every weekend.

- Ah, yeah.

Well, let's look anyway.

- This is so fucking stupid.

- Yeah, you have a better idea?

- Not really, we don't even
know what we're looking for.

- What do you mean?

- What do you expect to
find, a cashier's check,

a lot of hundred dollar bills?

- Yes.

- That would be nice.

- It'd be better than nice.

An injection of cash is just what I need

to save my business.

- I know what you mean.

My father's medical expenses

are really spiraling out of control,

I'm pretty much broke.

- Yeah, me too.

Like, you know, what, Tom?

A day may come when we have
to give up our businesses

and start working at Walmart,

but it is not this day,
a day may come where

we will give up looking
for money we didn't earn,

but it is not this day.

A day may come when we will
say fuck it, let's go to a bar,

but it is not this day,

this day we look, look for
money, join me shrink road head,

join me.

- Hello.

- Hello.

- Tom is helping Dave in the basement

and the attic is just a bus,

so I was wondering if you
needed any help in here.

- Oh,

yeah, sure, that would be great.

Would you mind going through this box?

- Sure.

- That's some of local
papers and things but

I mean, you never know, right?

- Right, right.

- Sure will be nice when
this is all over, huh.

- Ready to put this behind you, huh?

- Yeah,

not to mention the fact that
I desperately need the money.

- Right, right.

- I mean, who knows if it'll
even be enough to cover

all the debt that Will left me with.

- There's a lot of them.

- There's tons.

I mean, the funeral alone.

If I could just get this money

and get things settled, you know, I could

move on with my life.

- I don't even feel like
mine's even gotten started.

- But, you're a lawyer,

that's like, the quintessential

symbol for success.

You have to become a doctor too

then will you feel accomplished?

- No, it's just, I feel like

the weight of the world is
on my shoulders with the

practice and the finances and

it's holding me back,

keeping me

from what I really want.

- Steve...

- Wendy?

- Yeah, Tom, what is it?

- Wendy, it just hit me,

what if the money is
buried in the backyard,

is that possible?

- Yes, that's a great idea, Tom,

why don't we go check,

absolutely, that is a brilliant,

brilliant idea.

Why don't you head on out there
and see what you can find.

- Whoa, good.

- To Roger Maris,

still the all American
single season homerun king.

Well, to Ruth and to Mantle,

I'm glad you're not here

'cause you can both drink
beer under the table.

Oh, and here's the you kid.

Holy potato balls!

I missed your mom,

I'm full house,

I'm ghost dad.

Fuck!

- The money is here, I know it's here

buried in the backyard, I
know it, I can smell it.

I'll just slip out the gate,

walk up the driveway, get
in the car and drive away.

But then they'll know.

Know what?

If we just leave, they'll
know we took the money.

We?

Were in this together.

I need the money,

I can't afford to share it with them.

We need the money,

and I'm the one who can help you find it.

You know where it is?

How?

Just start digging, we
can do this together.

Yes, I'll start right now.

Good, dig, dig,

dig it all.

- Wendy.

- I know what you're going to say, and

at the moment,

things being as they are, it just seems

impossible.

- You're right.

You're right.

If only I had the money.

- If I had the money.

- If we could have the money.

- That was a mouthful.

- I know, I'm sorry.

- I liked it.
- Okay.

- I will be right back,

just one second.

It's almost over, I can do this.

Are you stretching?

- Yeah,

yeah, doing a little

stretching stressful situations,
you know, you tense up,

I'm seeing a chiropractor for a while

stretching because you
can never be too careful

with your body tensing
up in tense situations

and I'm also in an archery class now.

- Oh, Zod, you crazy bastard.

Yellow.

- Hey, man,

I'm digging up the yard,
come out and help me.

- Yeah, I can't, I'm busy.

- With what?

- I'm watching "Superman Two" on VHS.

- Dude, the money might be back here.

- This lady, right, she calls
out Superman for being Jewish,

like, he's Frederick
Superman or something.

Idiot.

- I could really use a hand.
- Yeah, how about this?

You keep looking outside,
I'll keep looking inside,

and we'll be looking at
two spots at the same time.

Sounds good? - No, no, no.

- Great, all right, buddy,

all right, take care.
- No, seriously, stop...

Come on, lady,

You know Clark head, you know, Superman,

you're standing four feet
away from both of them,

I mean, they're just glasses, okay,

It's not a loo to door mask.

Man.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, I'm drunk.

- Hello, Dave.

- Yo.

- What are you doing down here?

- Looking for the money?

- I think we should talk about that.

- Okay.

Let's talk.

What do you wanna talk about?

- I think you have some
very definite ideas

about what should be done with the money.

- We should all split it, right?

- When should we split it?

- As soon as possible.

You do see what we're doing here, right?

You get it, right?

- But you gonna sweat it.

That's great,

but have you ever thought
about my responsibilities?

Have you ever thought
about my responsibilities

to my daughter?

Do you have any idea

what a moral or ethical
principle is, do you?

- I never thought I'd say this to anyone,

but you sound way too
much like me, right now.

Give me the bat, Wendy.

- I'm not gonna hurt you.

- Give me the bat, Wendy.

- You didn't let me finish my sentence.

I am not going to hurt you, I'm just...

- To bash my brains in.

- No, Jesus Christ, no!

But I am gonna hurt you real bad,

for the best.

Hold that thought, we should
probably move the table.

- Okay, I'll move it.
- Would you grab,

grab that part of the table.

- I don't break the table.

- Don't touch my candles.

- Which way am I turning?

- Go that way.

- This way?

- Follow my lead, go that way.

Where are you going, where
are you going with this?

- I can't fit through
with my hands like this.

- You don't need...

- I just gotta put my hands
down so I can get in, okay?

- How are you gonna get out now?

- It's fine, I'll figure it out.

- Seems unnecessary.

- I'm gonna go over the couch.

- Don't go over the the
couch in your shoes,

don't go over the couch in your shoes.

Jesus!

Keep it off the fabric.

- Okay, I'm fine.

- Pick up your thing.

Are you ready? - Yes.

- Okay.
- Yes.

- Okay.

- Okay,

okay.

We don't have to split it with the others,

we could share it between ourselves.

- I'll never share anything with you.

- Didn't you hear what Steve read?

We have to share it.

I am your partner.

- No!

- My kingdom for pickle jar.

Help, help me Steve, help, help.

- I don't think Steve will
be coming to your rescue,

I've seen to that.

- You monster.

- I'm just a mother
providing for her daughter.

Oh,

oh,

oh.

Aww.

Oh.

Bitch.

- Help!

- Dave.

- Help, someone please.

- Dave, oh, God, oh God,

I'm coming, Dave.

Yeah.

- Siri, call Tom.

- Calling Tom.

- Thank you Sweety.

- Yeah, hello.

- Tom, get in here, Wendy
is trying to kill me.

- What?

- She is baseball batting
the hell out of me.

- I'm coming.

Damn.

Damn.

Damn.

It's locked,

do you know any tricks
for opening locked doors.

- Yeah, use the
key, hurry the fuck up.

- Let them kill each other,

then the money is ours.

No, they're my friends and

I've gotta help them,

and if you don't understand that,

you're nothing at all, nothing at all.

I'm coming, Dave, I'm coming to save you.

Damn it.

I guess I'll just have to break it down.

That hurt.

- Admit it,

say it just once,

that I am Dana's father.

- I will never join you.

- What?

- Dave.

- Will was gay, wasn't he?

You didn't think I was
ready to be a father,

so, you posed as his
wife to help his career.

- You're a child, Dave,

you were a child back then
and you're still a child now.

- Oh, I've been a fool,

only now at the end do I understand.

- Oh, shut up!

- Where's Tom?

Oh my god.

My faith in my friends
truly is my weakness.

- No!

- Steve, you rescued me, thank goodness.

What happened to your face?

- Never mind that,

the point is we got to
get control of ourselves.

Money isn't worth it.

Don't think we're even
gonna find it at this point.

- I'm starting to think
there never was any money.

- You're kidding.

- Well, he could have meant anything,

he never did specifically say

that there was money in the addendum.

- Codicil.
- Whatever.

I know you think I killed him.

I didn't.

You're right, our marriage was a sham, but

I didn't want him to die.

He wasn't Dana's biological father, but

he was there when it counted, you know.

We were the only people
in each other's lives,

who were really honest with each other.

Now, I don't even have that.

You and I,

us,

there was never going to be an us.

I didn't want Dana to be
something tethering me to you,

when

we couldn't give each
other what we needed.

I haven't been able to
find a job in over a year.

I loved that restaurant so much it was,

it was me, you know.

And now I'm gonna lose this house,

and not just this house, everything.

What about my daughter?

What am I supposed to tell her?

What if.

What if the state tries
to take her away from me?

I have no family left, it's like

losing Will all over again.

Will would have thought
of a way out of this.

He did, I guess.

Will,

was always so preoccupied with work,

and he could have sold it, the business,

he had an offer, he turned it down.

Finally, the chance came

to get out and get fat at the
same time and he let it go.

He'd miss it too much, he said.

Can you imagine?

That's what he really said?

What kind of a person,

what kind of a human being
loves being a trader?

People don't go to Wall Street,

because it's gonna be a lot of fun,

they go to make money.

These people, they don't jump out of bed,

thinking about how much fun
it's gonna be to go to work,

they...

I have been to parties with these people

and they're all so

miserable.

If all the money in the world and

doesn't mean anything to them,

because they don't need it anymore,

they can't even think of what
to spend it on except junk.

It's a pointless, soulless job,

and the fact that Will actually enjoyed

tricking these people out of their money,

it's very difficult to accept.

You know, even after all that,

we still respected each other.

We've known each other for so long,

at some point that just
counts for something.

But I never would have hurt him

and he never would have hurt me.

In the end, he just

said something stupid to
someone he owed money to,

got punched in the face,

fell hit his head on the ground and

the jerk that hit him
offered me a deal on the spot

to erase the debt.

I just had to say

he was mugged.

That's all it took.

Not exactly the life I
pictured when we were kids.

- Not for any of us.

- What do we do now?

- I don't know about you,

but I am through looking for the money.

- What about

our dreams?

Our future?

What about us?

- Steve,

maybe,

maybe I'm not always honest with people.

Maybe you're not always
honest with yourself.

- Yeah.

Probably right about that.

- You want some ice for your hand?

- Please.

What?

Wait a second,

the World Series party.

- What about it?

- I remember Will and I were talking about

the hiding money from the company, right,

and then Will said
something really peculiar.

- I'd like to think I'm
ahead above the rest

when it comes to hiding things.

- Totally.

Totally.

Ahead

above the rest.

- The drop ceiling.

Will was always running
speaker wires through there.

- Oh, baby!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

It's a baseball card.

- Son of a bitch!

- Is that worth anything?

- A couple hundred dollars
to the right buyer.

- Jesus!

- Then I guess I'm off
to the liquor store,

liquor store, liquor store.

- You get a cat?

- No, I have no idea what that sound was.

- I'm happy with my situation.

Well, I got a long drive
ahead of me, he's out.

- What, you're leaving?

- Yep.

- Jesus!

- Yellow.

- What do you know about this?

- About what?

- Oh, come on, come on, the
baseball card, everything.

I heard a noise during dinner

and you came back from the
liquor store few minutes later,

it was you in the basement, wasn't it?

- Maybe.

- What else was in the box, Wayne?

- Look Wendy, do you
think it was an oversight

that my brother never
told you about the box?

It wasn't.

Blur, bluh, bluh, bluh.

Water is still gonna water?

I know about your bastard kid.

Later.

Beep.

- Son of a bitch!

- We could go to the police.

- And say what?

- Oh, so I guess you can't complain about

someone stealing money

that shouldn't exist in the first place.

- And that's it then.

- Damn.

- What am I gonna do now, I have nothing.

- You have friends still and so does Dana.

- Yeah,

good friends, maybe not good
friends but people you know,

friends, MySpace friends list

from the entire area.

- Shut up, Steve.

- I'm ordering a couple bourbon

as soon as I get through the door.

- I'm ordering two drinks.

- I'm going to literally
order every drink the bar has.

- Alcohol is great for
solving life's problems.

- Even in a bottle, yo, demon in a bottle.

- That reference is
only moderately obscure.

- Your mom is moderately obscure.

No, we're not doing that anymore.

- Been out here for hours digging,

bet it's all wrapped up
nicely in there though.

Bet they're saying, "Hey, what about Tom?

How did his night end?"

Someone else says,

"Oh, yeah, whatever happened to Tom?"

Someone else says, "Tom?

Tom, I don't remember Tom."

Well, I'm Tom, I'm Tom dammit,

I have a name and I have feelings and I am

It's porno