Whose Line Is It Anyway? (1998) - full transcript
An American version of the popular British improvisational comedy show. Host Drew Carey, taking suggestions from the audience, assigns roles and scenarios to the comedian contestants, who must then improvise a skit on the spot.
-Good evening, everybody,
and welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show Air Force One
Wayne Brady,
USS Missouri
Greg Proops,
Apollo 11 Colin Mochrie
and Hot Air Balloon
it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler!
Let's make some stuff up!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Hello. Hello, everyone.
Welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
the show where
everything is made up,
and the points don't matter.
We've got a sensational show
for you tonight,
and we're going to get
started right now
with a game entitled
"Questions."
This is for all four of our
performers in two pairs.
Greg and Ryan are there.
Colin and Wayne
are here.
They're going to come down
and collect the box of stuff.
Now the way that this game works
is that
Wayne and Greg are going
to be in a scene,
but they can only
speak in questions,
and I'll buzz when one
of them makes a mistake.
The person behind them is going
to step in and take their place,
but each time they come in they
have to assume
a different character
according to whatever
they're wearing on their round
and shining heads.
And the scene you'll be
acting out, gentlemen,
is entitled
"Passions Erupt at a Reunion."
Mm-hmm.
Enjoy.
-Can you guess where I've been
the last 10 years?
-Oh, do you remember me?
-Oh, aren't you a troll?
-Why would you say that?
Don't you know words
are hurtful?
-Don't you know
that labels disable?
[ Laughter ]
-That's deep.
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
-So where are all the chicks?
[ Laughter ]
-Are you the horny one?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Yes.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-Remember me?
-From what?
-Does the word Joanne Stromson
ring a bell?
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Where are all the chicks?
-Are you wondering whether
the curtains match the drapes?
Or the carpet or something?
-You want to play duck,
duck, goose?
-You don't remember me, do you?
-Stacy?
-Does this ring a bell?
[ Laughter ]
-Weren't you in
National Geographic?
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-Do you still dream of me?
-Will you call me master?
-Would you like to make a wish?
-You want to rub the bottle?
-Is the bottle
still as small as it was?
[ Laughter ]
Would you like me
to make it bigger?
-Only if...
Would...
[BLEEP] you!
-[BLEEP] you!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Would you like to check
my briefs?
[ Buzzer ]
Are you the life of the party?
-Want to have a three-way?
-With you and who?
-Would you touch my bulb
and see if it's hot?
[ Laughter ]
Really?
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-What?
-Wow.
-What?
-And more dignified
than ever,
my friend.
Points to all of you for doing
some pretty impossible
work there
with incredible grace.
-Have you been drinking?
-Not yet.
-Oh.
-And now, my friends,
we come to a game entitled
"Moving People."
This game is for Colin and Wayne
who are going to improvise
a scene
with the help of some people
from our studio audience,
and let's get those people now!
Shall we?
I'm gonna get those people now.
Who are they going to be?
Oh, hi!
Tell me your name.
-Kayla.
-Kayla, head down
to the stage, Kayla.
Who else?
Who else wants to be the...
Oh, my God.
You've been nominated by these
crazy people around you.
What's your name?
-Joyce.
-Joyce.
Come with me, Joyce.
Kayla and Joyce.
Kayla and Joyce.
All right.
Now, here is how
this game works.
Kayla, you're going
to move Colin.
Joyce, you're going to
move Wayne.
Now, when you want them
to move forward you just tap
on the back of their leg
and they'll go forward.
When you want to move them
back tap on the front,
they'll go backward,
backward, backward.
Now, remember they can only move
when you move them,
and you can only move
one body part at a time.
All right?
So here we go.
What I need from the audience
now is something
that there could be
a global shortage of.
[ Chatter ]
Okay, I heard "water,"
and so that's what we're going
to have in this scene.
The planet is being affected
by a shortage of water.
Whenever you're ready
take it away.
-Doctor!
Doctor!
-Yes!
-I'm coming. Doctor!
Doctor!
Over here but no -- Hello.
-Hello!
-Hi. Me!
-Yes?
-I'm coming to you.
-All right.
-I'm coming to you immediately.
-I'm just cleaning my wall
for no reason.
-I'm going to run over
to you so quick --
-What is it then?
-Stop cleaning your wall!
Stop cleaning your wall.
Stop.
Thank you for coming to me
because I obviously wasn't
coming to you fast enough.
-What seems to be the problem?
This seems to be an emergency.
-You have to stop cleaning
with water
because we've run out of water!
-Oh!
The lack of water caused me
to miss me covering
my mouth in surprise.
-You have to preserve.
Even me, I'm pretending
to be a teapot
just so I can hold my own water.
-Let's go out
into the backyard.
Follow me.
-I'm going to follow you.
-Run!
-I'm going to use my legs.
I'm going to move much faster.
-I could move much faster
if it wasn't
for my giant testicles!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-At a time like this,
it's a good thing
you have giant testicles,
more moisture.
-All right.
I thought if we dug down...
-I'm a...
I can find water.
I'm a human-dowsing rod.
-Where?
-Look, it's right there.
See?
-Let me help you dig it up.
-Ow, my face.
You're putting dirt in my face.
[ Muffled shouts ]
-I just realized if I'm going
to dig the ground,
I should actually
get closer to it.
Hey! Look how I can bend.
-Let me help you bend.
-All right.
Whatever you do,
don't be distracted
of the snapping of my tendons.
All right.
There's some water there!
-Let me run over to my left
and grab a bucket.
-All right.
-Let me grab a bucket.
-I'm just going
to test for wind.
There's some coming from
over there --
where I'm pointing.
-Where? Where?
Where?
I should look to where?
Where?
Nope, the other wa--
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope, I'll look the other way.
I'll look where you're pointing.
-There you go!
[ Buzzer ]
-Give it up for Kayla
and Joyce, everybody.
Kayla and Joyce!
-Thank you.
-Hey, everybody, there is more
"Whose Line" coming at you
right after this short break
so don't move
from where you're sitting.
Stick around.
-Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
and we're gonna keep things
moving now with a game
entitled "Song Style."
This game is for
Wayne accompanied
by Laura Hall and Linda Taylor,
and here to join them
is our star guest
so please welcome comedian,
podcaster
and host of "Talking Dead"
and many other things
the fantastic
Mr. Chris Hardwick.
-Yeah!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Love you.
-I love you too so much!
-Chris!
-Nice to see you!
-Thank you, thank you.
-You're a star!
You're a star!
-Look at me!
-Your sweater says it all.
You're a star.
-So, Wayne, you're going to sing
a song all about Chris,
and you'll be singing
in the style of fantasy metal.
-So I'll...
-It's like D&D style.
Like Dungeons & Dragons style.
-Yeah like Dungeons & Dragons.
Those old rock songs
where they... Yes.
-There's only one nerd
in the audience, "Hell yes!"
Like, there's very...
You're keeping it alive.
You're keeping it alive
for everyone, sir.
-You actually look
like the dude
that you listen to fantasy rock.
-Woo!
-All right.
So we're going to use you,
Chris,
and I want you to join in
on the song as well.
-Sure.
-What's a job that has
no fantasy to it,
and it's your own job?
You really feel that your job
has no fantasy to it,
but we're two nerds,
and we're going to make it cool.
The guy with the beard
right th...
-TV game host.
-Substitute teacher.
-Substitute teacher, okay.
So we'll make it a magical,
mystical substitute teacher.
-And it's fantasy metal?
-Yes.
-All right.
-So I can't wait to see what
this sounds like. Ladies?
♪♪
♪ There's a moon
that comes out tonight ♪
♪♪
♪ Mrs. Eppstein won't show up
'cause something ain't right ♪
-♪ Something ain't right!
Something ain't right! ♪
♪ Something ain't right!
Something ain't right! ♪
-♪ The chalkboard spells out his
name in mystical hieroglyphs ♪
♪♪
♪ You are not the regular
teacher ♪
♪ But tonight the gig is his ♪
♪ He's a substitute teacher. ♪
-♪ I'm not your regular
teacher tonight! ♪
♪ Why am I teaching at night? ♪
♪ Everyone comes from
their homes ♪
♪ I'm substitute
teaching these gnomes ♪
♪♪
-♪ From the mystical caves
of Deltoitin ♪
♪ From grades three to six ♪
♪ He rides on a mystic horse
named Gabriellis ♪
♪ With his magic pencil he
carves the rules of math ♪
♪ Showing thee
the tricks of geometry ♪
♪ Slaying the dragons
of participles ♪
♪ And making education
his own magical playground ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
-♪ Everybody grab a partner ♪
♪ And make sure you're all
paired ♪
-♪ Field trip! ♪
-♪ Never forget
the quantum formula ♪
♪ A squared plus B squared
equals C squared! ♪
-♪ Magical, mystical ♪
-♪ Magical, mystical, magical ♪
♪ Mystical, magical,
mystical... ♪
-♪ Substitute! ♪
-♪ Magical, mystical ♪
♪ I'm not you're regular
teacher today! ♪
-No!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Chris Hardwick!
Dude!
-Chris Hardwick, everybody!
Chris Hardwick.
-Yes, yes!
[ Cheering and applause,
music continues ]
Down here, Chris, yeah!
[ Wayne whooping ]
-Um...
That was amazing,
and everybody
gets like
a million fantasy points.
-All right!
-All right!
-We weren't even in it.
-And all you have to do
is roll a 12 charisma.
[ Laughter ]
All right.
-You should have made a saving
throw against
giving a wrong answer.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Cloak of concealment.
-Yeah, I see you.
I see you, actually.
I can see you.
Thank you for that, though.
-Hi, Aisha.
-All right, my friends.
We're going to play a game
now entitled
"Scenes" -- ooh!
"...from a Hat"!
This is all four
of our performers.
Ryan, Colin there.
Wayne and Greg are here.
Before our show we asked our
audience to write down scenes
they'd like to see acted out
by our performers.
I've got those suggestions
in this hat.
I'm going to read them out,
and we're going to see how many
awesome things our gentlemen
players can come up with.
Here we go: "Unlikely Lines
From Romance Novels."
-My dear,
it's impossible to...
roll a 12.
[ Laughter ]
-Concealment!
[ Buzzer ]
-"The World's Worst
Mating Calls."
-Ooh, ooh, it's soft!
[ Buzzer ]
-Rash gone!
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Ooh, I got eight kids.
I need one more to get
that money, ooh!
[ Buzzer ]
I got eight kids.
I need one more to get
that money, ooh!
-Wait, so...
So nine is the magic number?
-Nine is...
That's when you hit the jackpot!
-I'll be done in seconds!
I'll be done
in seconds!
[ Buzzer ]
-"Things You Shouldn't Do
To Try And Impress Your Date."
-I can get you seats right
behind the cameras
for "Whose Line."
[ Laughter ]
Right behind it, first row.
-You can't see anything!
-So, I was just released
from jail.
Was stabbed five times.
-Wow.
-I'm still here.
-At the clinic, they said
I had the most sperm
they'd ever seen in one person.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-"Things Guaranteed To Kill
The Mood In The Bedroom."
-Clinic said I had
the most sperm
they'd ever seen in one person.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Chuckling ]
-Heard you, uh...
had the most sperm
they ever saw at that clinic.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Where were you?
I started without you.
-Just saying.
I got them eight babies.
I need nine to make that money.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-"Bad People To Be Marooned
On A Desert Island With."
-Hey, guys.
So there's no water, no food
but how about we play
some improv games?
Huh?
Yeah!
[ Humming, buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Hey, don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more
"Whose Line" right after this.
Stick around.
-Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
and now we play a game entitled
"Helping Hands."
This game is for Ryan and Colin.
It will also be
for our star guest,
so please give it up
for podcaster, comedian
and television star
Mr. Chris Hardwick!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yay!
All right.
Now, in this game
Ryan and Chris are going
to act out a situation,
but Ryan cannot use
his own arms.
Colin is going to provide
those for him,
and here is the scene
they'll be acting out:
"Female College Student, Ryan,
Has Prepared A Meal
For The First Time
to Try And Impress Her Date,
The Captain Of The Football
Team, Chris."
-Woo!
-Yeah, I see it!
-Thank you for coming
over, Jeremy.
-Yeah, it's pretty great
to be here.
-I'm a little nervous...
-You seem okay.
-...because every girl
in school wants to date you,
and I'm surprised your here at
my house to have dinner with me.
-I'm a little surprised too.
-Should we start
with a little liqueur?
-Sure, yeah.
Well, whatever that...
-Would you like a glass
of wine?
-Yeah, I'll have that.
If that's what that is.
-You've never had wine
before, Jeremy?
-No, not before practice.
-You're going to like this.
-Oh, I can't wait.
Oh, yeah.
There it goes.
Good to...
-Let me pour you a glass first.
-Oh, thank you.
-It's white wine.
-Mm-hmm.
-Here you go.
-Oh, thank you.
-I hope I don't get too drunk.
Maybe I should just pour myself
a small one.
-Ah, that's a... There you go.
-Here's to us.
-Oh, cheers!
-Jeremy!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jeremy.
-That's all right.
-No, hey, it's fine.
-I'm so sorry, Jeremy.
-Just --
-Let me lick that off.
-Okay, thank you for...
There that got it.
Thank you. Yeah, right off
the letter there.
-Oh, I'm so sorry, Jeremy.
Well, let's get ready
for some dinner.
If you would hand me
your plate...
-You made some pasta!
-Allow me to serve you!
-I can't wait.
-Let me have your plate.
-I'm so glad I swiped right.
-Let me have
your plate, Jeremy!
-Okay!
There's...
-I'm not just one
of those floozies
that you tell to cook you dinner
and then you just
take off after.
-I... Your...
-We're watching a movie
when we're done!
-All right!
-You mentioned pasta.
I know you like pasta.
-Yep.
-Let me put some on there.
-Oh, good,
yeah just put that on there.
-Pasta for you.
-I appreciate that.
-You like it with sauce or
al -- al -- without sauce?
-You can't have it
without the sauce!
-You're right, Jeremy.
-Okay.
-You're so right, Jeremy!
-Okay.
-Let's... Oh God.
How am I going to open
the top of that?
-Ah... Oh, whoa!
-There we go.
-Hey, what?
Why?
Why do you think that's...
-And that's for you.
-Sure, yeah.
I'm just...
-I'm all hands.
-You are.
Oh, good.
I'm...
-Here, let me I'll just go...
What do you eat that...
-No, I'm good with the sauce.
-No, you can eat that.
-Oh, good.
-I just...
I just want a pickle.
-Oh, good yeah.
Can I, um...
[ Laughter, cheering ]
-I got some wig in there too.
Let me just pick the hairs
out of my mouth.
I got them. I got them.
I got them!
Jeremy, where's your pasta?
You lost all your pasta!
-No, it's fine.
I'm on a --
-No, no let me throw
some more pasta...
-I'm on a very low-carb diet.
-Let me throw some
more pasta in there.
-No, you're a lot taller
than your profile pic.
-Uh-huh, yeah.
There you go.
Let's whip it in there.
Let's whip it with...
Whip it, Jeremy.
You're having some pasta,
Jeremy.
How's the pasta?
Oh, yeah, Jeremy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jeremy.
I made a cake...
-You sure did.
-...in honor of the big game.
-Oh, thank you.
-It's a football cake.
-It sure...
Oh, I play football!
-I know you do.
You're the quarterback, Jeremy.
-Yay, sports!
-Here, why don't you take
this cake and throw it to me
like you're playing quarterback?
-Okay.
-No, but take it off
the plate, Jeremy.
-Okay.
-Because there's metal
on there.
-Okay, all right.
All right.
You ready?
Go long!
-I'm ready, Jeremy.
-Okay, 22...
-Hut, Jeremy, hut.
-Forty-seven, thirty-seven,
hike!
-Oh!
Got it!
-Good catch!
-I got it!
-That's how you do it!
-High five, Jeremy.
[ Buzzer ]
-Yeah, go team!
Go team!
-Everybody, give it up
for Chris Hardwick!
-Thank you.
-Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo...
-Don't go anywhere.
There's more "Whose Line"
right after this!
Stick around!
-Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to "Whose Line."
That is our show.
Tonight all four of you are our
winners so please
join our very special guest,
Chris Hardwick,
and read out the credits
as if you are all hungry zombies
who think the camera
is a brain to feast on.
-Ooh, okay.
-Thanks for watching,
everybody.
Goodnight.
[ All moaning,
mumbling unintelligibly ]
♪♪
-Aisha!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪
and welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
On tonight's show Air Force One
Wayne Brady,
USS Missouri
Greg Proops,
Apollo 11 Colin Mochrie
and Hot Air Balloon
it's Ryan Stiles.
And I'm Aisha Tyler!
Let's make some stuff up!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Hello. Hello, everyone.
Welcome to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
the show where
everything is made up,
and the points don't matter.
We've got a sensational show
for you tonight,
and we're going to get
started right now
with a game entitled
"Questions."
This is for all four of our
performers in two pairs.
Greg and Ryan are there.
Colin and Wayne
are here.
They're going to come down
and collect the box of stuff.
Now the way that this game works
is that
Wayne and Greg are going
to be in a scene,
but they can only
speak in questions,
and I'll buzz when one
of them makes a mistake.
The person behind them is going
to step in and take their place,
but each time they come in they
have to assume
a different character
according to whatever
they're wearing on their round
and shining heads.
And the scene you'll be
acting out, gentlemen,
is entitled
"Passions Erupt at a Reunion."
Mm-hmm.
Enjoy.
-Can you guess where I've been
the last 10 years?
-Oh, do you remember me?
-Oh, aren't you a troll?
-Why would you say that?
Don't you know words
are hurtful?
-Don't you know
that labels disable?
[ Laughter ]
-That's deep.
[ Buzzer, laughter ]
-So where are all the chicks?
[ Laughter ]
-Are you the horny one?
-Isn't it obvious?
-Yes.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Laughter ]
-Remember me?
-From what?
-Does the word Joanne Stromson
ring a bell?
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Where are all the chicks?
-Are you wondering whether
the curtains match the drapes?
Or the carpet or something?
-You want to play duck,
duck, goose?
-You don't remember me, do you?
-Stacy?
-Does this ring a bell?
[ Laughter ]
-Weren't you in
National Geographic?
[ Laughter, buzzer ]
-Do you still dream of me?
-Will you call me master?
-Would you like to make a wish?
-You want to rub the bottle?
-Is the bottle
still as small as it was?
[ Laughter ]
Would you like me
to make it bigger?
-Only if...
Would...
[BLEEP] you!
-[BLEEP] you!
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Would you like to check
my briefs?
[ Buzzer ]
Are you the life of the party?
-Want to have a three-way?
-With you and who?
-Would you touch my bulb
and see if it's hot?
[ Laughter ]
Really?
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-What?
-Wow.
-What?
-And more dignified
than ever,
my friend.
Points to all of you for doing
some pretty impossible
work there
with incredible grace.
-Have you been drinking?
-Not yet.
-Oh.
-And now, my friends,
we come to a game entitled
"Moving People."
This game is for Colin and Wayne
who are going to improvise
a scene
with the help of some people
from our studio audience,
and let's get those people now!
Shall we?
I'm gonna get those people now.
Who are they going to be?
Oh, hi!
Tell me your name.
-Kayla.
-Kayla, head down
to the stage, Kayla.
Who else?
Who else wants to be the...
Oh, my God.
You've been nominated by these
crazy people around you.
What's your name?
-Joyce.
-Joyce.
Come with me, Joyce.
Kayla and Joyce.
Kayla and Joyce.
All right.
Now, here is how
this game works.
Kayla, you're going
to move Colin.
Joyce, you're going to
move Wayne.
Now, when you want them
to move forward you just tap
on the back of their leg
and they'll go forward.
When you want to move them
back tap on the front,
they'll go backward,
backward, backward.
Now, remember they can only move
when you move them,
and you can only move
one body part at a time.
All right?
So here we go.
What I need from the audience
now is something
that there could be
a global shortage of.
[ Chatter ]
Okay, I heard "water,"
and so that's what we're going
to have in this scene.
The planet is being affected
by a shortage of water.
Whenever you're ready
take it away.
-Doctor!
Doctor!
-Yes!
-I'm coming. Doctor!
Doctor!
Over here but no -- Hello.
-Hello!
-Hi. Me!
-Yes?
-I'm coming to you.
-All right.
-I'm coming to you immediately.
-I'm just cleaning my wall
for no reason.
-I'm going to run over
to you so quick --
-What is it then?
-Stop cleaning your wall!
Stop cleaning your wall.
Stop.
Thank you for coming to me
because I obviously wasn't
coming to you fast enough.
-What seems to be the problem?
This seems to be an emergency.
-You have to stop cleaning
with water
because we've run out of water!
-Oh!
The lack of water caused me
to miss me covering
my mouth in surprise.
-You have to preserve.
Even me, I'm pretending
to be a teapot
just so I can hold my own water.
-Let's go out
into the backyard.
Follow me.
-I'm going to follow you.
-Run!
-I'm going to use my legs.
I'm going to move much faster.
-I could move much faster
if it wasn't
for my giant testicles!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-At a time like this,
it's a good thing
you have giant testicles,
more moisture.
-All right.
I thought if we dug down...
-I'm a...
I can find water.
I'm a human-dowsing rod.
-Where?
-Look, it's right there.
See?
-Let me help you dig it up.
-Ow, my face.
You're putting dirt in my face.
[ Muffled shouts ]
-I just realized if I'm going
to dig the ground,
I should actually
get closer to it.
Hey! Look how I can bend.
-Let me help you bend.
-All right.
Whatever you do,
don't be distracted
of the snapping of my tendons.
All right.
There's some water there!
-Let me run over to my left
and grab a bucket.
-All right.
-Let me grab a bucket.
-I'm just going
to test for wind.
There's some coming from
over there --
where I'm pointing.
-Where? Where?
Where?
I should look to where?
Where?
Nope, the other wa--
Nope.
Nope.
Nope.
Nope, I'll look the other way.
I'll look where you're pointing.
-There you go!
[ Buzzer ]
-Give it up for Kayla
and Joyce, everybody.
Kayla and Joyce!
-Thank you.
-Hey, everybody, there is more
"Whose Line" coming at you
right after this short break
so don't move
from where you're sitting.
Stick around.
-Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
and we're gonna keep things
moving now with a game
entitled "Song Style."
This game is for
Wayne accompanied
by Laura Hall and Linda Taylor,
and here to join them
is our star guest
so please welcome comedian,
podcaster
and host of "Talking Dead"
and many other things
the fantastic
Mr. Chris Hardwick.
-Yeah!
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Love you.
-I love you too so much!
-Chris!
-Nice to see you!
-Thank you, thank you.
-You're a star!
You're a star!
-Look at me!
-Your sweater says it all.
You're a star.
-So, Wayne, you're going to sing
a song all about Chris,
and you'll be singing
in the style of fantasy metal.
-So I'll...
-It's like D&D style.
Like Dungeons & Dragons style.
-Yeah like Dungeons & Dragons.
Those old rock songs
where they... Yes.
-There's only one nerd
in the audience, "Hell yes!"
Like, there's very...
You're keeping it alive.
You're keeping it alive
for everyone, sir.
-You actually look
like the dude
that you listen to fantasy rock.
-Woo!
-All right.
So we're going to use you,
Chris,
and I want you to join in
on the song as well.
-Sure.
-What's a job that has
no fantasy to it,
and it's your own job?
You really feel that your job
has no fantasy to it,
but we're two nerds,
and we're going to make it cool.
The guy with the beard
right th...
-TV game host.
-Substitute teacher.
-Substitute teacher, okay.
So we'll make it a magical,
mystical substitute teacher.
-And it's fantasy metal?
-Yes.
-All right.
-So I can't wait to see what
this sounds like. Ladies?
♪♪
♪ There's a moon
that comes out tonight ♪
♪♪
♪ Mrs. Eppstein won't show up
'cause something ain't right ♪
-♪ Something ain't right!
Something ain't right! ♪
♪ Something ain't right!
Something ain't right! ♪
-♪ The chalkboard spells out his
name in mystical hieroglyphs ♪
♪♪
♪ You are not the regular
teacher ♪
♪ But tonight the gig is his ♪
♪ He's a substitute teacher. ♪
-♪ I'm not your regular
teacher tonight! ♪
♪ Why am I teaching at night? ♪
♪ Everyone comes from
their homes ♪
♪ I'm substitute
teaching these gnomes ♪
♪♪
-♪ From the mystical caves
of Deltoitin ♪
♪ From grades three to six ♪
♪ He rides on a mystic horse
named Gabriellis ♪
♪ With his magic pencil he
carves the rules of math ♪
♪ Showing thee
the tricks of geometry ♪
♪ Slaying the dragons
of participles ♪
♪ And making education
his own magical playground ♪
[ Cheering and applause ]
-♪ Everybody grab a partner ♪
♪ And make sure you're all
paired ♪
-♪ Field trip! ♪
-♪ Never forget
the quantum formula ♪
♪ A squared plus B squared
equals C squared! ♪
-♪ Magical, mystical ♪
-♪ Magical, mystical, magical ♪
♪ Mystical, magical,
mystical... ♪
-♪ Substitute! ♪
-♪ Magical, mystical ♪
♪ I'm not you're regular
teacher today! ♪
-No!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Chris Hardwick!
Dude!
-Chris Hardwick, everybody!
Chris Hardwick.
-Yes, yes!
[ Cheering and applause,
music continues ]
Down here, Chris, yeah!
[ Wayne whooping ]
-Um...
That was amazing,
and everybody
gets like
a million fantasy points.
-All right!
-All right!
-We weren't even in it.
-And all you have to do
is roll a 12 charisma.
[ Laughter ]
All right.
-You should have made a saving
throw against
giving a wrong answer.
[ Cheering and applause ]
Cloak of concealment.
-Yeah, I see you.
I see you, actually.
I can see you.
Thank you for that, though.
-Hi, Aisha.
-All right, my friends.
We're going to play a game
now entitled
"Scenes" -- ooh!
"...from a Hat"!
This is all four
of our performers.
Ryan, Colin there.
Wayne and Greg are here.
Before our show we asked our
audience to write down scenes
they'd like to see acted out
by our performers.
I've got those suggestions
in this hat.
I'm going to read them out,
and we're going to see how many
awesome things our gentlemen
players can come up with.
Here we go: "Unlikely Lines
From Romance Novels."
-My dear,
it's impossible to...
roll a 12.
[ Laughter ]
-Concealment!
[ Buzzer ]
-"The World's Worst
Mating Calls."
-Ooh, ooh, it's soft!
[ Buzzer ]
-Rash gone!
[ Laughter ]
[ Applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
-Ooh, I got eight kids.
I need one more to get
that money, ooh!
[ Buzzer ]
I got eight kids.
I need one more to get
that money, ooh!
-Wait, so...
So nine is the magic number?
-Nine is...
That's when you hit the jackpot!
-I'll be done in seconds!
I'll be done
in seconds!
[ Buzzer ]
-"Things You Shouldn't Do
To Try And Impress Your Date."
-I can get you seats right
behind the cameras
for "Whose Line."
[ Laughter ]
Right behind it, first row.
-You can't see anything!
-So, I was just released
from jail.
Was stabbed five times.
-Wow.
-I'm still here.
-At the clinic, they said
I had the most sperm
they'd ever seen in one person.
[ Laughter ]
[ Buzzer ]
-"Things Guaranteed To Kill
The Mood In The Bedroom."
-Clinic said I had
the most sperm
they'd ever seen in one person.
[ Cheering and applause ]
[ Buzzer ]
[ Chuckling ]
-Heard you, uh...
had the most sperm
they ever saw at that clinic.
[ Laughter and applause ]
-Where were you?
I started without you.
-Just saying.
I got them eight babies.
I need nine to make that money.
[ Buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-"Bad People To Be Marooned
On A Desert Island With."
-Hey, guys.
So there's no water, no food
but how about we play
some improv games?
Huh?
Yeah!
[ Humming, buzzer ]
[ Cheering and applause ]
-Hey, don't go anywhere.
We'll be back with more
"Whose Line" right after this.
Stick around.
-Hey, everybody.
Welcome back to
"Whose Line Is It Anyway?"
and now we play a game entitled
"Helping Hands."
This game is for Ryan and Colin.
It will also be
for our star guest,
so please give it up
for podcaster, comedian
and television star
Mr. Chris Hardwick!
[ Cheering and applause ]
Yay!
All right.
Now, in this game
Ryan and Chris are going
to act out a situation,
but Ryan cannot use
his own arms.
Colin is going to provide
those for him,
and here is the scene
they'll be acting out:
"Female College Student, Ryan,
Has Prepared A Meal
For The First Time
to Try And Impress Her Date,
The Captain Of The Football
Team, Chris."
-Woo!
-Yeah, I see it!
-Thank you for coming
over, Jeremy.
-Yeah, it's pretty great
to be here.
-I'm a little nervous...
-You seem okay.
-...because every girl
in school wants to date you,
and I'm surprised your here at
my house to have dinner with me.
-I'm a little surprised too.
-Should we start
with a little liqueur?
-Sure, yeah.
Well, whatever that...
-Would you like a glass
of wine?
-Yeah, I'll have that.
If that's what that is.
-You've never had wine
before, Jeremy?
-No, not before practice.
-You're going to like this.
-Oh, I can't wait.
Oh, yeah.
There it goes.
Good to...
-Let me pour you a glass first.
-Oh, thank you.
-It's white wine.
-Mm-hmm.
-Here you go.
-Oh, thank you.
-I hope I don't get too drunk.
Maybe I should just pour myself
a small one.
-Ah, that's a... There you go.
-Here's to us.
-Oh, cheers!
-Jeremy!
Oh, I'm sorry, Jeremy.
-That's all right.
-No, hey, it's fine.
-I'm so sorry, Jeremy.
-Just --
-Let me lick that off.
-Okay, thank you for...
There that got it.
Thank you. Yeah, right off
the letter there.
-Oh, I'm so sorry, Jeremy.
Well, let's get ready
for some dinner.
If you would hand me
your plate...
-You made some pasta!
-Allow me to serve you!
-I can't wait.
-Let me have your plate.
-I'm so glad I swiped right.
-Let me have
your plate, Jeremy!
-Okay!
There's...
-I'm not just one
of those floozies
that you tell to cook you dinner
and then you just
take off after.
-I... Your...
-We're watching a movie
when we're done!
-All right!
-You mentioned pasta.
I know you like pasta.
-Yep.
-Let me put some on there.
-Oh, good,
yeah just put that on there.
-Pasta for you.
-I appreciate that.
-You like it with sauce or
al -- al -- without sauce?
-You can't have it
without the sauce!
-You're right, Jeremy.
-Okay.
-You're so right, Jeremy!
-Okay.
-Let's... Oh God.
How am I going to open
the top of that?
-Ah... Oh, whoa!
-There we go.
-Hey, what?
Why?
Why do you think that's...
-And that's for you.
-Sure, yeah.
I'm just...
-I'm all hands.
-You are.
Oh, good.
I'm...
-Here, let me I'll just go...
What do you eat that...
-No, I'm good with the sauce.
-No, you can eat that.
-Oh, good.
-I just...
I just want a pickle.
-Oh, good yeah.
Can I, um...
[ Laughter, cheering ]
-I got some wig in there too.
Let me just pick the hairs
out of my mouth.
I got them. I got them.
I got them!
Jeremy, where's your pasta?
You lost all your pasta!
-No, it's fine.
I'm on a --
-No, no let me throw
some more pasta...
-I'm on a very low-carb diet.
-Let me throw some
more pasta in there.
-No, you're a lot taller
than your profile pic.
-Uh-huh, yeah.
There you go.
Let's whip it in there.
Let's whip it with...
Whip it, Jeremy.
You're having some pasta,
Jeremy.
How's the pasta?
Oh, yeah, Jeremy.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, Jeremy.
I made a cake...
-You sure did.
-...in honor of the big game.
-Oh, thank you.
-It's a football cake.
-It sure...
Oh, I play football!
-I know you do.
You're the quarterback, Jeremy.
-Yay, sports!
-Here, why don't you take
this cake and throw it to me
like you're playing quarterback?
-Okay.
-No, but take it off
the plate, Jeremy.
-Okay.
-Because there's metal
on there.
-Okay, all right.
All right.
You ready?
Go long!
-I'm ready, Jeremy.
-Okay, 22...
-Hut, Jeremy, hut.
-Forty-seven, thirty-seven,
hike!
-Oh!
Got it!
-Good catch!
-I got it!
-That's how you do it!
-High five, Jeremy.
[ Buzzer ]
-Yeah, go team!
Go team!
-Everybody, give it up
for Chris Hardwick!
-Thank you.
-Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo...
-Don't go anywhere.
There's more "Whose Line"
right after this!
Stick around!
-Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to "Whose Line."
That is our show.
Tonight all four of you are our
winners so please
join our very special guest,
Chris Hardwick,
and read out the credits
as if you are all hungry zombies
who think the camera
is a brain to feast on.
-Ooh, okay.
-Thanks for watching,
everybody.
Goodnight.
[ All moaning,
mumbling unintelligibly ]
♪♪
-Aisha!
♪♪
♪♪
♪♪