White Men Can't Jump (1992) - full transcript
Billy and Sydney think they're the best basketball hustlers in town, so when they join forces, nothing can stop them, except each other. To add to their problems, Billy owes money and is being chased by a pair of gangster types.
You keep asking me what I am.
Don't you know I'm Presbyterian?
Presbyterian?
That's the worst thing
a jazz singer can be.
Presbyterians are called
"God's frozen people."
Wouldn't swing if you hung them.
♪ Just a closer walk with Thee ♪
♪ De de de boom boom ♪
♪ Grant it, Jesus if you please ♪
♪ Boom de boom boom boom ♪
♪ Daily walking close with Thee ♪
♪ Let it be, dear Lord ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ I am weak but Thou art strong ♪
♪ Jesus, keep us from all wrong ♪
♪ I'll be satisfied as long ♪
♪ As I walk ♪
♪ Let me walk close to Thee ♪
♪ Just a closer walk with Thee ♪
♪ Say, grant it Jesus,
if you please ♪
♪ Daily walking close with Thee ♪
♪ Let it be dear Lord ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ Say, I am weak but
Thou art strong ♪
♪ Jesus, keep us from all wrong ♪
♪ I'll be satisfied as long ♪
♪ As I walk, dear
Lord close to Thee ♪
♪ Boo boo doo boo doo doo ♪
♪ A closer walk with Thee ♪
♪ Buh do doobie ♪
♪ Grant it, Jesus, if you please ♪
♪ Doobie ♪
♪ Buh doobie do ♪
♪ Daily walking close with Thee ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ Dear Lord ♪
♪ Doobie doobie doobie doobie ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ Ba doo la do da da ♪
♪ Boo doo doo doo dee aaah ♪
Ha ha.
Whoo.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, guys, is this the
Venice Beach courts?
Is this the only one?
Wait, you haven't put anything
in the offering plate.
- Oh. Sorry, man.
- Right.
Fifty be all right? I'm
just kidding. Here you go.
See, I told you he
was a generous man.
Is this where Eddie "The King"
Farouk and Duck Johnson played?
King and Duck owned these courts.
They were the best ever.
That's because you never saw me.
Keep singing, guys.
My old man was a preacher.
I love this shit.
- He put a dollar in.
- So?
So, we give him a dollar's worth.
Okay.
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
All right.
Don't worry about it.
Pass it to the little man.
Let the little man get the ball.
Take it to the hole, man.
Let's go.
Get... get... get up.
Look at that. It's all right.
Walter, throw that
big, fat butt at me.
I'm getting tired of
making you look bad.
It's hard goddamn work for a man
to make another man look so bad.
Man, I'm fixing to dog you, punk.
I'll dog you right now.
Let me shut this shit
up. Give me the ball.
You got the pill.
You shoot, I'll knock it out the
sky. You can't take
it to the hole.
- You ain't good enough.
- You think so?
I don't think. I know.
What are you gonna
do? Where you going?
You can't dribble.
Bring it, bring it.
Move, move.
Get that shit out of here.
That shit went out
like a SCUD missile.
Oh, it hurts, it hurts so bad.
Babies, let me tell you something.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm the
greatest. I am the greatest.
- You all right, man?
- Yeah.
Get your butt up and play.
Take your little Colt
45-drinking ass off some place.
Yes, Walter. Hard goddamn
work making you look so bad.
Man, you fouled me.
Foul?
- Foul?
- Take the ball out and shut up.
What's the count?
- 9-8, us.
- 9-8, you?
Get the fuck out of here.
If you could count, you'd be
an astronaut. It's 9-8, us.
George, your mother's
an astronaut.
He talking about your mama, man.
He playing you and
your mama for a punk.
My mother ain't no
astronaut. Say it, say it.
Your mother ain't
no astronaut, your
father ain't no
astronaut, all right?
Well, my mama ain't no
astronaut. You understand me?
Look, me saying that your
mother's an astronaut...
is just another way of saying
that you're all fucked up.
Cool. Well, let's just get off
mamas, because I
just got off yours.
Ow.
Keep my mama out of this, brother.
She's out.
- She's out.
- Cool.
Cool.
She's out.
Cool.
She's out.
What time should I
bring the bitch back?
Yo, what's the score?
9-8, us.
What? We can't be losing to you.
If we lose to you, I'll kill
myself. I don't want to do that.
- Fuck you, skinny boy.
- Fuck this.
You fat motherfucker.
Fuck this.
Shut up. You're giving me Excedrin
number fucking trillion headache.
Hey, what's the score?
Chump, yo, I'm talking to you.
What, you deaf or something?
I'm talking to the fucking air.
My name ain't Chump,
it's Billy Hoyle.
Billy Hoyle.
Billy Hoyle.
Billy Hoyle. Okay, Billy. Now,
can you count to 10, Billy?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- What's the score, Billy?
- I don't know.
Then you're a chump.
I may be a chump, I just
said that wasn't my name.
He punked your ass, Sid.
Fuck you.
Let's go.
8-8, your ball.
It's 9-8, your ball. I
don't want no excuses.
I call it even. Your ball.
You better call a
doctor. Take the ball.
- It's your ball.
- I said it's your...
Take the ball.
- Your woman calling you, man.
- Sidney.
Your woman calling you, man.
Well, at least I got one.
Your mother's so poor, I seen her
kicking a can down the street.
She said she was moving.
Your mama's so old, she used to
drive chariots to high school.
Your mama's so fat, she fell over,
broke her leg and
gravy poured out.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, honey.
I was buying food, the check
didn't clear and I had no cash.
Baby, I'm sorry. Will a 20 do?
Thirty would be better.
You hustling me? You're the only
one who can get away with that.
I got a couple
things working here.
I got to go. Daddy
has to go back to
work. They're trying to cheat me.
Talk to you.
Told your mama to act her
age, she dropped dead.
Your mother got a wig
with grey sideburns.
Your mama's teeth
are so yellow, she
can butter a whole loaf of bread.
Shut up. Save your breath.
You need all the energy
you can get. Let's go.
- I can't run, man.
- What?
My bunions hurt. Get
someone to play for me.
Come here, baby. That's
okay. You're still my hero.
That's it, baby.
Wait a minute.
Who can replace Mr Handicap?
Anybody for Mr Fucking
March of Dimes?
Hey, take Billy Ho here.
No, I don't want him.
He might be good.
- I won't go with this.
- Why not?
- Because I'm white.
- He's white.
He is white. Look at him.
It won't matter. You could
bring Bernard King in.
We hit two, we're out. Swish.
Swish. Let's go, Billy Ho.
Ha ha ha.
Let's go.
Hey, ain't no need for that
Jane Fonda, geriatric bullshit.
You just come out here, play
some D. Two quick ones...
It's over. See ya.
Wouldn't want to be ya.
You got a new teammate.
Kiss your game goodbye.
Hey, maybe I need to
do that shit too.
You loose now? Let's play.
Come here. Let me
teach you something.
Hey, man, get your
ass out of here.
Come here, I'll tell you where
I'm going. Over there, right.
You're a hotshot, huh? Where
are you going? I got you.
Show me what you got.
This is my court, you hear me?
Luck. Pure luck.
I believe the score is 9-8, ours.
Take it out.
Ball in.
Okay, chump.
The sun even shines
on a dog's ass some
days. Anybody can win the lottery.
Know what I mean?
Give it up.
You want it back now.
Fuck you. Your
mother's an astronaut.
She's too drunk to
be an astronaut.
You remind me of one of those
dudes from The Brady Bunch.
Doesn't he look like one of them?
He looks like Cindy.
Yeah, that's the one.
Why are you laughing?
Calling me Brady Bunch.
He's too stupid to know
he's being insulted.
Get off the court,
Sidney. You lost.
Ease back. Give me a second
with Mr Brady Bunch.
You may be able to pull
off a couple of passes.
That don't mean you
can play this game.
Right. You ain't seen me shoot.
Maybe I can't shoot a lick.
What's it worth to you
to find out, huh?
Say, what have we got
here? Fifty, sixty...
sixty-two dollars.
I do detect the smell of cash.
In the air.
How good are you, chump?
- "Chump"? "Chump"?
- That's your money.
My only problem will be pulling
the ball out of your ass...
when I take your money.
- And that is his money.
- Money talks.
Twenty, forty, fort-one...
You're short.
Big Junior.
Man, loan me 20.
What do I look like,
Bank of America?
- Yeah, give me a loan.
- You always do this.
I won't lose to this white boy.
You better not lose my
money to this white boy.
This is a black thing. Now
give me the fucking 20.
- Then we eat at Sizzler?
- Surf and turf.
- I'm the bank.
- That's his money.
- That's his money.
- Let's go, baby.
Best of five, top of the key. And
since you're the foreigner...
as such, you can go first.
No, thank you, Sidney.
You go ahead.
No, this is my house. This
is Sidney Deane's house.
Since I'm the host, I extend
my hospitality to you.
That's very gracious, but I
don't want your hospitality.
I don't want to take
advantage of you.
Okay, but you might
not get another shot.
Okay, if you insist.
This is outdoor ball. Different
than your country club shit.
When you shoot, you
adjust for the wind.
Out here, the wind
can push the ball
to the left or right
6 to 8 inches.
But you wouldn't know
nothing about that.
You want me to move? I'm sorry.
It's your shot.
This is really not my spot. I'll
be lucky to hit two out of five.
But I'll shoot anyway.
Oh, man. Right off the bat.
I am feeling lucky.
Man wants to get paid.
It's pretty. It's so pretty.
♪ We 're going Sizzler
we 're going Sizzler ♪
Ah.
♪ We going Sizzler ♪
I never hit two in a row.
But I'm very lucky.
I'm feeling very lucky.
Ugly shot. Looked
like a goddamn brick.
No aesthetic beauty whatsoever.
Now mine, on the contrary...
It hurts being this good.
A thing of beauty
is a joy forever.
My man John Keats said that.
You know that, right?
You know, I've never hit three
in a row. Never in my life.
Colour me lucky,
man. Sometimes you
wake up, the birds are singing...
That's a decent shot. Excellent.
You are the greatest.
- Thank you.
- But I'm feeling so lucky.
Four in a row.
This is like the
luck of the Irish,
only I'm not Irish. So go figure.
Come on, Sidney. Come on, now.
Don't worry, I got this under
control. This sucker's mine.
Michael Jordan was down here once.
I took him to the hole.
You believe that?
That's right, I saw it.
Michael said, "You should
play summer pro league."
- I said, no.
- Hell no.
- Might mess up my game.
- We can't have that, Billy Ho.
Shoot this one and
let's go to Sizzler.
I'm gonna just leave it up there.
- Give me some.
- I will.
Oh, shit.
It's hard goddamn
work being this good.
Shut the fuck up.
- Am I starting to get to you?
- No, Sidney.
You're just making my ears hurt.
See, you guys look at me, you
see the backwards hat...
the funky outfit and you
say, "This guy's a chump."
- A fucking geek.
- A fucking geek. Exactly.
But you don't realise
it ain't easy.
"It is hard goddamn work making
something this pretty"...
look like a geek. So I
must do it for a reason.
I'm convinced, whatever
the reason may be.
If I miss this shot, I
walk away, still a chump.
But if you miss, you've
been beat not once...
but twice, by a slow,
white, geeky chump.
Ain't no thing.
Ain't no thing.
No thing but chicken
wing on a string.
From Burger King.
The wind's kicking up a bit. You
might want to adjust about...
six, eight inches to the left.
Here it is. This is the big one.
Don't worry. I've hustled
much better players than you.
Don't put up a brick.
Stop yapping and let
the brother shoot.
Yeah, I got it.
The wrist.
- Brick.
- Shit.
Give me my money.
- It belongs to him.
- A man with integrity.
- Don't push your luck.
- It wasn't luck.
You said we'd go to Sizzler...
Man, shut your anorexic,
malnutrition, tapeworm-haying...
Dick Gregory Diet-drinking
ass up. Leave me alone.
♪ I feel good ♪
♪ I knew that I would, now ♪
♪ I feel good ♪
♪ I knew that I would, now ♪
♪ So good, so good ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ I feel nice ♪
♪ Like sugar and spice ♪
♪ I feel nice ♪
♪ Like sugar and spice ♪
♪ So nice, so nice ♪
♪ Because I got you ♪
Honey, I'm home.
How much did you make?
Well, I missed you too.
I'm sorry, honey.
Sixty-two dollars minus $5.16...
for a hummus-tabbouleh garden
burger and all that
stuff you love.
You know I hate that
health food shit.
You'll eat it and you'll love it.
I'll let you get away with that
since you got money today.
Let's see, that makes...
$58.84, which gives us
$806 towards the $8,000.
We still owe the Stucci
Brothers $7,194.
Don't pay them.
They're robbing you.
How many times do we
have to go through this?
In life, there are some things
that just are the way they are.
Nothing will get rid of the
Stuccis except 7000 more dollars.
What's the deal with this?
Come on, I've been
studying all day.
I did fires and earthquakes.
Any kind of disaster.
And assassinations.
Try me.
Leon Czolgosz.
Who killed President McKinley?
Unbelievable.
Jeopardy is gonna call
today. I can feel it.
Don't count on it, you
won't be disappointed.
Check this out. The last
words of Lee Harvey Oswald:
"It wasn't me, it was the CI..."
Get it? "The..." And then...
I got it, I got it. Honey, honey.
How much do you love me?
I love you infinity.
That's not enough.
- Infinity's the biggest number.
- No, it's not.
Tell me one bigger.
Infinity plus two.
I love you infinity plus two.
Billy, you're so stupid.
You should say, "I love you
infinity plus infinity."
I love you...
infinity plus infinity.
- There's a bigger number.
- I give up.
You haven't kissed me yet.
No, take a shower. You
stink. Go away, you stink.
Wait right there. Don't
move. Hold that thought.
I'm gonna come back and put
my mouth where this money is.
There's somebody at the door.
Somebody's at the door.
All right, stay calm, stay calm.
Hurry up.
I love you, but I won't
get shot over your debt.
My debt? Our debt.
Whoever's debt, I
ain't getting shot.
Stay here. If I don't get you in
30 seconds, jump out the window.
I'll meet you at Denny's.
Honey, I love you.
I love you too.
Who is it?
The manager.
- What is it?
- Got a message for you.
Brady Bunch.
A thousand ten, a thousand
eleven, a thousand twelve...
Did you hear somebody
invite you in?
I just want to talk.
A thousand thirty.
How'd you find me?
I have to admit, no one's ever
worked me the way you did.
I beat you fairly. You beat me,
I don't come and cry about it.
I'm not here to cry.
I'm here on business.
You said 30 seconds.
I almost took off.
I'm sorry.
Who's this?
- Sidney Deane.
- So?
Your boyfriend took money from
me and I noticed this bottle.
You take that, I'll shoot you.
What's with you? You need
to chill with the caffeine.
Excuse me?
You comfortable?
You know, a futon is
better for your back.
Where did you play, Billy?
College in Louisiana.
Didn't work out.
So now you hustle.
Nobody knows me here. I
can work the courts.
I have a business proposal.
It means more cash than
this chump change you make.
What is it?
There's a two-on-two tournament
next week, sponsored
by businesses.
- You want me to run with you?
- Yep.
In the meantime, we can
make some extra change.
If you don't mind hustling. And
I know you don't mind hustling.
What kind of hustle?
Heh heh.
Ball up.
You ain't got shit.
You ain't funny. I'll kill you.
You got me by what,
7000 pounds, man?
Watch the pick.
Look up, look up.
Goddamn.
Way to go.
I got to tell you, it's hard
work making you look so bad.
Who the fuck told you to talk,
motherfucker? You
score, you can talk.
Shut me down, you can talk.
But if you eat shit, you shut up.
You took me to the hole. Why?
Because I let you.
I take you anywhere I want.
I'll have you for breakfast.
Want to put some jack on that?
Who rattled your cage, dickhead?
You talk a lot for a
guy who got busted.
I'll pick any player... I'll
pick the worst player here...
- for $500.
- Excuse me?
Ex-ex-excuse me?
I'll let you pick my teammate.
He ain't serious, man. I
don't believe this shit.
- You ain't serious.
- Anybody.
Five hundred dollars.
And you can pick
anybody out here.
Anybody. Anybody.
I don't believe this.
Hey, Raymond, look at the
chump, man. Give him the chump.
No, no, no. White
boys don't count.
You have to give me a brother.
You got him. The
goofy-looking guy.
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
- Oh, fuck.
- Hey, chump.
You want to run?
You mean play basketball?
No, he means ice hockey.
Get your tired butt
up here, Gretzky.
- Where's your money?
- I'll get it.
You setting me up? Here's
my $500. Where's yours?
I said I'll get it. I got to
go to the glove compartment.
Good, you go to your
glove compartment.
Then get your Sasquatch butt
back here. I got a hot hand.
I got your back, Raymond.
What the hell is this?
Oh, man, what the hell
is this world coming to?
Look at this shit.
I ain't got nothing to worry about
except Cathy Rigby over here.
Yo, man, where is his car, man?
Is he ever going to come on back?
Hey, give me your money.
- Raymond, is that you?
- No, this ain't Raymond.
Take off that goddamn mask
and put down that gun.
What are you doing?
I got a couple of chumps
on the line at the park.
- Loan me some money, man.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, look, man. You
need a good gun.
There's some crazy
motherfuckers walking around.
A lot crazier than me.
Give me $300 for it.
- I'll give you $200.
- Come on, man. $275.
- $250.
- All right.
But now you're robbing me.
Jump for it...
You got busted right there, man.
You think you can win with him?
Here we go. Here we go.
Yo, yo, I got your money.
I got $250. Let's go.
No, I said $500. Can you count?
Hey, $250, man. Take
it or leave it.
He just got out of jail.
He ain't going nowhere
with the money.
Let's do this.
I'll dog you.
A man like me can
make you look bad.
Your mouth's got you in trouble.
If I was you, I'd kill myself.
Come on. Yeah, get up.
Move right.
Come on, come on.
That man is a chump...
Sucker.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Whoo.
Oh, lovely, lovely.
- What's your name?
- Billy Ho.
Nice to meet you.
Do it.
Let's go.
You're slow on your feet, man.
Weight slows me down.
Come on.
Huh, huh.
Tim Hardaway, my ass.
Get over there.
Shoot. Shoot.
Stay on him.
Man, he travelled.
Shit.
Point game. Point game.
That means one more point and
we win this $500. Point game.
I understand.
You gonna teach class or play?
I been teaching class on you all
day. Taking you to the clinic.
Class is in session
again. Ding-ding. Check.
Check this.
You're too stupid
to catch the ball.
Yeah?
Look out, look out.
I'll make you eat that.
Here we go, baby.
You better stay off, baby.
Where you at?
Where you at, sucker?
Shit.
Aha.
Give me my money.
What you doing?
Hard goddamn work.
Aw, come here, baby.
It's okay. You played a good game.
These motherfuckers set us up.
- You dead.
- Hey, take it easy.
Hard goddamn work.
Raymond. Raymond.
Motherfucker.
Raymond.
You ain't gonna cut me.
You set me up.
Hey, Raymond, I seen
you hustle, man.
I never used a
goofy, white fucker.
Who you calling a
goofy, white fucker?
- You, you white fucker.
- That's cool.
Wait, hold it. This is ridiculous.
Raymond, we are brothers, man.
I swear, I have never seen this
white boy before in my life.
Sidney, don't negotiate with the
guy. You got a wife and kid.
- How you know my name?
- How come he knows your family?
What? Wait a minute.
You talk about my wife and
kid and you don't know me?
Cut this motherfucker.
Cut that motherfucker.
No, fuck this. Both you
motherfuckers are crazy.
I'm going to my car and get my
other gun. Shoot everybody's ass.
Shit. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Go, go, go.
Oh, man. We took Raymond
Dickens to the hole.
Hey, know what?
Nobody's done that around here
since the King and Duck Johnson.
King and Duck.
The King and the Duck.
What is this?
Jimi Hendrix.
I know. Why are you playing Jimi?
Because I like to listen to him.
Listen? That's what the fucking
problem is. You all listen.
What am I supposed to do, eat it?
No. You're supposed to hear it.
I just said I like
to listen to him.
No, no, hearing is
different than listening.
White people can't
hear Jimi. You listen.
What are you talking about?
His drummer was white.
Ah ho ho ho.
Get the fuck out of
here. He was not white.
Yes, he was. Yo,
check it out. See?
This is a picture.
Whole band's white
except for Jimi.
This is a fucking picture.
It's airbrushed. Jimi did not
have a white rhythm section.
You cannot hear Jimi.
All right. Fine.
- All right. Thank you.
- Check this out.
♪ He said I'll love you ♪
♪ Till I die ♪
Who is this?
The greatest troubadour of
all time, is who it is.
Troubadour? Shit
sounds like a dog.
That's a Labrador. Don't
insult this music.
Take it off.
You're not hearing this.
I don't want to hear this. This
is like pollution to my ears.
Explain to this Gladys
Knight and the Pimps...
It's Gladys Knight and the Pips.
Just put Jimi back in. I
don't like this shit.
- You're supposed to defend me.
- Who are you yelling at?
Get rid of that gum. I'm
tired of hearing it pop.
♪ He still loved her
through it all ♪
Tell this bubblehead
to make a right here.
Guy could get shot playing this
shit south of the Coliseum.
Let me off at the Trump Towers.
The penthouse is in the back.
Vista view. The flyest
view in the jungle.
- Home sweet home.
- You know it, baby.
Yo, that was a good run today.
Good run.
With the money you made, you
can get this car washed.
Hey, man, this is one
classic automobile.
You know, you got a
fine woman there.
Hey, you keep your hands off her.
I said she was fine, not
that I wanted to touch her.
You touch her and I'll kick
your ass. You hear me?
Lookee, lookee, lookee.
- It's all starting to come clear.
- Good.
You're a cool customer
on the court.
Real chill on the street. Can't
be rattled in your game, no, no.
You don't even fall for all
that nigger shit on the court.
But when it comes to your woman,
that's a different
matter altogether.
Look at you. I ain't even
talked trash and you're scared.
I ain't even pushed up on her
and you're thinking about it.
- Shut the fuck up.
- This is good.
This is really good shit to
know. I know your weakness.
You like all the white
boys I ever met.
You're like every
brother I ever saw.
Kick some shit.
You'd rather look good and lose...
- than look bad and win.
- You don't know shit about me.
I know plenty about you, Sidney.
How many dinners did this
chain cost your family back?
Just go home and get some
rest. Okay, Brady Bunch?
I ain't tired.
Bye, Gloria.
Oh, goodbye.
- Nice seeing you again.
- Same here.
Take care. I like these
rings. They're fly.
Thank you.
Take care.
Yo, Billy, tomorrow we're
going to 103rd Street.
We're gonna hustle in Watts. Tough
games out there. Big bucks.
Don't take it personally, baby.
We're teammates. Ebony...
and Ivory.
Ha ha ha.
Here's your partner.
Right, fuck me. You better get
across La Brea before sundown.
No problem.
The guy's full of shit.
Here.
♪ Well, I say love ♪
♪ Whoa, love ♪
Please explain to me why this
Negro is singing cowboy music.
This is my favourite song.
It reminds me of making love
to you. Makes me want to...
take you and lock you in a room...
and make love to you over
and over and over...
and over and over.
I didn't say I didn't like it.
Yeah?
Honey, this can't be safe. You
know I believe in safe sex, honey.
- I'm gonna take a shower.
- Put me down.
Honey, no. No.
No, honey. Stop.
♪ I want you to know ♪
♪ That I was blind,
but now I see ♪
♪ I say, I once was blind ♪
♪ But now I see ♪
♪ Well, you know, I once ♪
♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now I see ♪
♪ That that old love has
made a fool of me ♪
Honey, my mouth is dry.
Honey, I'm thirsty.
Here you go, honey.
When I said I was thirsty...
it doesn't mean I want you to
bring me a glass of water.
It doesn't?
You're missing the point
of my saying I'm thirsty.
If I have a problem, you
don't have to solve it.
Men always think they can
solve a woman's problem.
It makes them feel omnipotent.
Omnipotent?
Did you have a bad dream?
It's a way of controlling a woman.
- Bringing them a glass of water?
- Yes. I read it in a magazine.
If I'm thirsty, I don't want you
to bring me a glass of water.
I want you to sympathise.
I want you to say:
"Gloria, I too know what it
feels like to be thirsty.
I, too, have had a dry mouth."
I want you to connect with me...
through understanding the
concept of dry mouthedness.
This is all in the same magazine?
You're into control.
Shut up.
See?
You make me sick.
Honey, don't give me
the rollover, okay?
When I say I'm
thirsty, it means if
there's some water,
I'd love a sip.
When I say I want to make
love, it means let's screw.
That's exactly what I
thought you would say.
Besides, I don't like
the word "screw."
I prefer "make love" or "fuck."
"Screwing" is for carpenters.
You're gonna get it. Oh, honey.
- Where are you going?
- Anywhere.
Getting the hell away from you,
you psycho chiquita nutcase.
Come on, honey. Come back.
I want to make love.
Honey, come back. I want to screw.
Forget you, then.
You piece of shit.
Asshole.
Look. There he is.
- Honey. It's the Stuccis.
- The Stuccis. Oh, shit.
Honey, hurry.
How'd they find us?
The money.
Hold on. Okay, all
right, I got the money.
Ok, ok.
♪ If you wanna try
the front door ♪
♪ That's a door I've never seen ♪
Go, honey, come on.
Come on, honey, move.
I'm coming, honey.
Go. Come on. Go. Go. Go.
Slow up. Slow up.
- I'm always waiting for you.
- Shut up.
- Wait for me.
- Hurry up.
Why are you moving so slow?
I'm carrying everything.
You want me to carry you too?
Oh, shit.
Come on.
Come on, honey.
We'd shoot you, Billy, but
first we want the money.
We've got your number now, Billy.
No escape.
♪ Get in my limo, baby ♪
♪ Gonna take you for a ride ♪
♪ And I tell you I'm a rich man ♪
♪ Then you tell me that I lie ♪
Hurry up.
Go. Go. Go.
♪ Bluebells ♪
♪ Cockle shells ♪
♪ Eevie ivey over ♪
♪ Mama's in the kitchen
cooking rice ♪
♪ Daddy's outside shooting duck ♪
♪ Baby in the cradle fast asleep ♪
♪ And here comes
sister with the hit ♪
This is a great
house. A great house.
But it's a little steep.
Sidney, we have to talk.
Excuse me.
♪ Jack be quick ♪
♪ Jack jump over the candlestick ♪
I want this house.
I want it too. But it's expensive.
- They want first, last, damages.
- I'll get a job.
No, no, no. I got lots of jobs.
I got the cable thing, the
roof thing, the paint thing.
Construction is slow, but
basketball puts food on the table.
Basketball isn't a real job.
It's late. I got to go. I'm
working on this new shot.
I'm sure it's a gorgeous shot.
But I still want this house.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Foul, foul.
All ball. All ball, no foul.
- You got my hand.
- Your hand is part of the ball.
- You got my wrist.
- Part of the hand.
And the knee bone's
connected to the dick bone.
- You fouled Robert.
- You didn't even see the play.
Yo, you couldn't carry my
jockstrap in a suitcase.
This is Watts. I
thought you had some
ballplayers out
here. This is shit.
I'm getting tired of your face.
Guess your mother threw
you out real young.
He's talking about your mama.
Nobody talks about my mother.
Don't ever talk about my mama. Me
and any guy here can take you.
How much you want to roll?
Oh, my God. What is this?
Oh, my God. Look at this.
It's a thousand dollars.
Oh, wait a minute, there's
more. What is this?
You rob a 7-11?
Eleven, twelve, thirteen.
Wait, is there more?
Fourteen, fifteen.
- Is that your rent money?
- Sixteen.
It's coming from everywhere.
Seventeen hundred dollars, baby.
And we get to pick your partner?
You can pick any of these stiffs
out here. Anybody. $1,700.
And don't talk about my mother.
- How about my man here?
- No, no. I want that guy.
- The white boy?
- Yeah, that scraggly mother.
No, no, no. Fuck
that. Wait a minute.
I got $800. I just cashed
my check for the rent.
- I got 50 bucks.
- $1,700. Come up with it or walk.
Play us for what we got.
Play a tune on that
bald head of yours.
Hey, man, hold on.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- What's up?
- You look so good today.
- What's up?
- You're up. I need a diamond.
I told you he was no good.
When will you listen to me?
He was a dog from day one.
Trust me. We'll go
to Zales after this.
- Don't talk about my boyfriend.
- He's a dog.
This ain't no diamond.
It's a zircon.
Okay. Let's say this piece
of shit is worth 300 bills.
I'll put my $1,700
against your $1,150.
That's a bet.
Hey, give me my money.
I'll hold it. I ain't
going nowhere.
He ain't going nowhere. The
bakery ain't open yet.
We play to 10.
- That's a bet.
- Let's do it.
We got a game to play.
Hey, Martha Graham.
Martha Graham.
Can you play?
- Good pick, man.
- You know it.
That's what I'm talking
about. Go back to Sea World.
- You let him back-door you.
- I thought he was gonna pass.
Of course he wasn't...
D up, man.
You don't know what D is.
Go, you fucking Globetrotter.
Aren't you gonna shoot?
- He was on my ass.
- You were wide open.
I got $1,700 on the line.
I won't force a shot.
Why are you kicking it to me?
- All right, I'm sorry.
- You okay?
- Let's go.
- You got it.
- Get me the ball.
- It's 9-8, us. Point game.
- One more bucket, we get $1700.
- A bucket you'll never see.
- You tried to hustle us, but...
- You gonna chitchat or play?
Get the fuck out.
You talking all this shit. Why
don't you take me to the hole?
- I practise off people like you.
- Just learn to play.
Ball, ball.
I'll take your money,
then I'll take your girl.
You're holding me.
All you do is hold people.
You know, you're disgusting.
Both of you, go back to Sea World.
Seventeen hundred.
Goddamn.
Give me my money.
It was so nice just to
hold it for a while.
I am dead. I am dead.
I'm sorry, man. I
thought I had it.
I'm dead. I'm dog meat.
She is gonna dump me now.
I feel terrible. I
had a lousy game.
We're better than them. I've beat
guys 10 times better than that.
I know. It's my fault.
It's nobody's fault. Sometimes
the ball just doesn't go down.
- Look, man. You want a ride?
- I'm taking the rail.
You sure?
I got to think of
how to tell Gloria
I lost everything we had again,
and figure out where I'm
gonna sleep tonight.
Hey, Billy, I'm sorry, man.
I mean it. I'm sorry.
"Thirty-nine" is the answer.
What's the question?
"How many books in
the Old Testament?"
I am so fucking good.
- Did Jeopardy call yet?
- Not yet.
But I'll need a nice dress. When
they call, you got to be ready.
Want to hear the books of the
Old Testament backwards?
Malachi, Zechariah, Haggai and...
Honey, please.
And I did "Famous Women" and
"Foods That Start with Q."
You can't imagine how many foods
actually start with the letter Q.
Honey, will you please shut up?
What's wrong with you?
I lost the money.
Oh, Jesus, Billy.
Not again.
- How much?
- A lot of it.
Most of it.
Roughly all of it.
You lost all our fucking money?
Shit, Billy. Jesus, man.
$1,700. Billy.
We were on our way to 8,000.
Were your opponents that good?
No, I beat better guys
in Brooklyn and Jersey.
- You missed your jump shots?
- No, I hit mine.
What about Sidney?
He had an off day. He
wasn't shooting that much.
This guy scored on
him and he didn't...
D up. He usually plays good D.
You got hustled.
I did not get hustled.
You got set up. You got
hustled by Sidney.
- No. He's a good guy.
- You said he was full of shit.
He's full of shit and
he's a good guy.
You're full of shit,
okay? Fuck that shit.
I'm going back to that house
and get my fucking money back.
No, no, no. Honey, a man
cannot ask for his money back.
He lives in the jungle, right?
No, honey, we can't.
They don't let white people
in the Crenshaw District.
And maybe not Puerto Ricans.
It's reverse discrimination.
Let's see.
We drove Sidney to Crenshaw and...
You don't understand how things
work. Men understand
how they work.
Wasn't there a big
apartment house?
Let me explain. Men's
rules are very simple.
If you win, you win.
You lose, you lose.
But under no circumstances do
you ask for the money back.
- Why not?
- It's not part of the rules.
Oh, yeah?
I got a different set of rules of
my own. Do you want to hear them?
Here they go: Sometimes when
you win, you really lose.
And sometimes when you
lose, you really win.
Sometimes when you win or
lose, you actually tie.
And sometimes when you tie,
you actually win or lose.
I hate when you talk like
that. It makes me crazy.
Winning and losing is just
a big organic globule...
from which one takes
what one needs.
I'm fucked.
Forget it. I'm not getting
off this bus, honey.
I'm not getting off
the bus. No. Stop.
Can we discuss it? Can
we have a discussion?
Does Sidney Deane live here?
He does.
He's my husband.
Well, your husband stole
$1,700 from my boyfriend.
Really?
Just a minute.
Some people are here who say you
stole their money. Come on in.
Oh, shit.
No, baby, I didn't steal his
money. I hustled his money.
- Cindy Brady.
- That girl is fine.
Cindy, what happened?
What the fuck do you want?
- Who invited you in, anyway?
- I did.
Don't you know I'm Presbyterian?
Presbyterian?
That's the worst thing
a jazz singer can be.
Presbyterians are called
"God's frozen people."
Wouldn't swing if you hung them.
♪ Just a closer walk with Thee ♪
♪ De de de boom boom ♪
♪ Grant it, Jesus if you please ♪
♪ Boom de boom boom boom ♪
♪ Daily walking close with Thee ♪
♪ Let it be, dear Lord ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ I am weak but Thou art strong ♪
♪ Jesus, keep us from all wrong ♪
♪ I'll be satisfied as long ♪
♪ As I walk ♪
♪ Let me walk close to Thee ♪
♪ Just a closer walk with Thee ♪
♪ Say, grant it Jesus,
if you please ♪
♪ Daily walking close with Thee ♪
♪ Let it be dear Lord ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ Say, I am weak but
Thou art strong ♪
♪ Jesus, keep us from all wrong ♪
♪ I'll be satisfied as long ♪
♪ As I walk, dear
Lord close to Thee ♪
♪ Boo boo doo boo doo doo ♪
♪ A closer walk with Thee ♪
♪ Buh do doobie ♪
♪ Grant it, Jesus, if you please ♪
♪ Doobie ♪
♪ Buh doobie do ♪
♪ Daily walking close with Thee ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ Dear Lord ♪
♪ Doobie doobie doobie doobie ♪
♪ Let it be ♪
♪ Ba doo la do da da ♪
♪ Boo doo doo doo dee aaah ♪
Ha ha.
Whoo.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, guys, is this the
Venice Beach courts?
Is this the only one?
Wait, you haven't put anything
in the offering plate.
- Oh. Sorry, man.
- Right.
Fifty be all right? I'm
just kidding. Here you go.
See, I told you he
was a generous man.
Is this where Eddie "The King"
Farouk and Duck Johnson played?
King and Duck owned these courts.
They were the best ever.
That's because you never saw me.
Keep singing, guys.
My old man was a preacher.
I love this shit.
- He put a dollar in.
- So?
So, we give him a dollar's worth.
Okay.
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪
All right.
Don't worry about it.
Pass it to the little man.
Let the little man get the ball.
Take it to the hole, man.
Let's go.
Get... get... get up.
Look at that. It's all right.
Walter, throw that
big, fat butt at me.
I'm getting tired of
making you look bad.
It's hard goddamn work for a man
to make another man look so bad.
Man, I'm fixing to dog you, punk.
I'll dog you right now.
Let me shut this shit
up. Give me the ball.
You got the pill.
You shoot, I'll knock it out the
sky. You can't take
it to the hole.
- You ain't good enough.
- You think so?
I don't think. I know.
What are you gonna
do? Where you going?
You can't dribble.
Bring it, bring it.
Move, move.
Get that shit out of here.
That shit went out
like a SCUD missile.
Oh, it hurts, it hurts so bad.
Babies, let me tell you something.
I don't mean to brag, but I'm the
greatest. I am the greatest.
- You all right, man?
- Yeah.
Get your butt up and play.
Take your little Colt
45-drinking ass off some place.
Yes, Walter. Hard goddamn
work making you look so bad.
Man, you fouled me.
Foul?
- Foul?
- Take the ball out and shut up.
What's the count?
- 9-8, us.
- 9-8, you?
Get the fuck out of here.
If you could count, you'd be
an astronaut. It's 9-8, us.
George, your mother's
an astronaut.
He talking about your mama, man.
He playing you and
your mama for a punk.
My mother ain't no
astronaut. Say it, say it.
Your mother ain't
no astronaut, your
father ain't no
astronaut, all right?
Well, my mama ain't no
astronaut. You understand me?
Look, me saying that your
mother's an astronaut...
is just another way of saying
that you're all fucked up.
Cool. Well, let's just get off
mamas, because I
just got off yours.
Ow.
Keep my mama out of this, brother.
She's out.
- She's out.
- Cool.
Cool.
She's out.
Cool.
She's out.
What time should I
bring the bitch back?
Yo, what's the score?
9-8, us.
What? We can't be losing to you.
If we lose to you, I'll kill
myself. I don't want to do that.
- Fuck you, skinny boy.
- Fuck this.
You fat motherfucker.
Fuck this.
Shut up. You're giving me Excedrin
number fucking trillion headache.
Hey, what's the score?
Chump, yo, I'm talking to you.
What, you deaf or something?
I'm talking to the fucking air.
My name ain't Chump,
it's Billy Hoyle.
Billy Hoyle.
Billy Hoyle.
Billy Hoyle. Okay, Billy. Now,
can you count to 10, Billy?
- Yeah.
- Good.
- What's the score, Billy?
- I don't know.
Then you're a chump.
I may be a chump, I just
said that wasn't my name.
He punked your ass, Sid.
Fuck you.
Let's go.
8-8, your ball.
It's 9-8, your ball. I
don't want no excuses.
I call it even. Your ball.
You better call a
doctor. Take the ball.
- It's your ball.
- I said it's your...
Take the ball.
- Your woman calling you, man.
- Sidney.
Your woman calling you, man.
Well, at least I got one.
Your mother's so poor, I seen her
kicking a can down the street.
She said she was moving.
Your mama's so old, she used to
drive chariots to high school.
Your mama's so fat, she fell over,
broke her leg and
gravy poured out.
- Hey, baby.
- Hi, honey.
I was buying food, the check
didn't clear and I had no cash.
Baby, I'm sorry. Will a 20 do?
Thirty would be better.
You hustling me? You're the only
one who can get away with that.
I got a couple
things working here.
I got to go. Daddy
has to go back to
work. They're trying to cheat me.
Talk to you.
Told your mama to act her
age, she dropped dead.
Your mother got a wig
with grey sideburns.
Your mama's teeth
are so yellow, she
can butter a whole loaf of bread.
Shut up. Save your breath.
You need all the energy
you can get. Let's go.
- I can't run, man.
- What?
My bunions hurt. Get
someone to play for me.
Come here, baby. That's
okay. You're still my hero.
That's it, baby.
Wait a minute.
Who can replace Mr Handicap?
Anybody for Mr Fucking
March of Dimes?
Hey, take Billy Ho here.
No, I don't want him.
He might be good.
- I won't go with this.
- Why not?
- Because I'm white.
- He's white.
He is white. Look at him.
It won't matter. You could
bring Bernard King in.
We hit two, we're out. Swish.
Swish. Let's go, Billy Ho.
Ha ha ha.
Let's go.
Hey, ain't no need for that
Jane Fonda, geriatric bullshit.
You just come out here, play
some D. Two quick ones...
It's over. See ya.
Wouldn't want to be ya.
You got a new teammate.
Kiss your game goodbye.
Hey, maybe I need to
do that shit too.
You loose now? Let's play.
Come here. Let me
teach you something.
Hey, man, get your
ass out of here.
Come here, I'll tell you where
I'm going. Over there, right.
You're a hotshot, huh? Where
are you going? I got you.
Show me what you got.
This is my court, you hear me?
Luck. Pure luck.
I believe the score is 9-8, ours.
Take it out.
Ball in.
Okay, chump.
The sun even shines
on a dog's ass some
days. Anybody can win the lottery.
Know what I mean?
Give it up.
You want it back now.
Fuck you. Your
mother's an astronaut.
She's too drunk to
be an astronaut.
You remind me of one of those
dudes from The Brady Bunch.
Doesn't he look like one of them?
He looks like Cindy.
Yeah, that's the one.
Why are you laughing?
Calling me Brady Bunch.
He's too stupid to know
he's being insulted.
Get off the court,
Sidney. You lost.
Ease back. Give me a second
with Mr Brady Bunch.
You may be able to pull
off a couple of passes.
That don't mean you
can play this game.
Right. You ain't seen me shoot.
Maybe I can't shoot a lick.
What's it worth to you
to find out, huh?
Say, what have we got
here? Fifty, sixty...
sixty-two dollars.
I do detect the smell of cash.
In the air.
How good are you, chump?
- "Chump"? "Chump"?
- That's your money.
My only problem will be pulling
the ball out of your ass...
when I take your money.
- And that is his money.
- Money talks.
Twenty, forty, fort-one...
You're short.
Big Junior.
Man, loan me 20.
What do I look like,
Bank of America?
- Yeah, give me a loan.
- You always do this.
I won't lose to this white boy.
You better not lose my
money to this white boy.
This is a black thing. Now
give me the fucking 20.
- Then we eat at Sizzler?
- Surf and turf.
- I'm the bank.
- That's his money.
- That's his money.
- Let's go, baby.
Best of five, top of the key. And
since you're the foreigner...
as such, you can go first.
No, thank you, Sidney.
You go ahead.
No, this is my house. This
is Sidney Deane's house.
Since I'm the host, I extend
my hospitality to you.
That's very gracious, but I
don't want your hospitality.
I don't want to take
advantage of you.
Okay, but you might
not get another shot.
Okay, if you insist.
This is outdoor ball. Different
than your country club shit.
When you shoot, you
adjust for the wind.
Out here, the wind
can push the ball
to the left or right
6 to 8 inches.
But you wouldn't know
nothing about that.
You want me to move? I'm sorry.
It's your shot.
This is really not my spot. I'll
be lucky to hit two out of five.
But I'll shoot anyway.
Oh, man. Right off the bat.
I am feeling lucky.
Man wants to get paid.
It's pretty. It's so pretty.
♪ We 're going Sizzler
we 're going Sizzler ♪
Ah.
♪ We going Sizzler ♪
I never hit two in a row.
But I'm very lucky.
I'm feeling very lucky.
Ugly shot. Looked
like a goddamn brick.
No aesthetic beauty whatsoever.
Now mine, on the contrary...
It hurts being this good.
A thing of beauty
is a joy forever.
My man John Keats said that.
You know that, right?
You know, I've never hit three
in a row. Never in my life.
Colour me lucky,
man. Sometimes you
wake up, the birds are singing...
That's a decent shot. Excellent.
You are the greatest.
- Thank you.
- But I'm feeling so lucky.
Four in a row.
This is like the
luck of the Irish,
only I'm not Irish. So go figure.
Come on, Sidney. Come on, now.
Don't worry, I got this under
control. This sucker's mine.
Michael Jordan was down here once.
I took him to the hole.
You believe that?
That's right, I saw it.
Michael said, "You should
play summer pro league."
- I said, no.
- Hell no.
- Might mess up my game.
- We can't have that, Billy Ho.
Shoot this one and
let's go to Sizzler.
I'm gonna just leave it up there.
- Give me some.
- I will.
Oh, shit.
It's hard goddamn
work being this good.
Shut the fuck up.
- Am I starting to get to you?
- No, Sidney.
You're just making my ears hurt.
See, you guys look at me, you
see the backwards hat...
the funky outfit and you
say, "This guy's a chump."
- A fucking geek.
- A fucking geek. Exactly.
But you don't realise
it ain't easy.
"It is hard goddamn work making
something this pretty"...
look like a geek. So I
must do it for a reason.
I'm convinced, whatever
the reason may be.
If I miss this shot, I
walk away, still a chump.
But if you miss, you've
been beat not once...
but twice, by a slow,
white, geeky chump.
Ain't no thing.
Ain't no thing.
No thing but chicken
wing on a string.
From Burger King.
The wind's kicking up a bit. You
might want to adjust about...
six, eight inches to the left.
Here it is. This is the big one.
Don't worry. I've hustled
much better players than you.
Don't put up a brick.
Stop yapping and let
the brother shoot.
Yeah, I got it.
The wrist.
- Brick.
- Shit.
Give me my money.
- It belongs to him.
- A man with integrity.
- Don't push your luck.
- It wasn't luck.
You said we'd go to Sizzler...
Man, shut your anorexic,
malnutrition, tapeworm-haying...
Dick Gregory Diet-drinking
ass up. Leave me alone.
♪ I feel good ♪
♪ I knew that I would, now ♪
♪ I feel good ♪
♪ I knew that I would, now ♪
♪ So good, so good ♪
♪ I got you ♪
♪ I feel nice ♪
♪ Like sugar and spice ♪
♪ I feel nice ♪
♪ Like sugar and spice ♪
♪ So nice, so nice ♪
♪ Because I got you ♪
Honey, I'm home.
How much did you make?
Well, I missed you too.
I'm sorry, honey.
Sixty-two dollars minus $5.16...
for a hummus-tabbouleh garden
burger and all that
stuff you love.
You know I hate that
health food shit.
You'll eat it and you'll love it.
I'll let you get away with that
since you got money today.
Let's see, that makes...
$58.84, which gives us
$806 towards the $8,000.
We still owe the Stucci
Brothers $7,194.
Don't pay them.
They're robbing you.
How many times do we
have to go through this?
In life, there are some things
that just are the way they are.
Nothing will get rid of the
Stuccis except 7000 more dollars.
What's the deal with this?
Come on, I've been
studying all day.
I did fires and earthquakes.
Any kind of disaster.
And assassinations.
Try me.
Leon Czolgosz.
Who killed President McKinley?
Unbelievable.
Jeopardy is gonna call
today. I can feel it.
Don't count on it, you
won't be disappointed.
Check this out. The last
words of Lee Harvey Oswald:
"It wasn't me, it was the CI..."
Get it? "The..." And then...
I got it, I got it. Honey, honey.
How much do you love me?
I love you infinity.
That's not enough.
- Infinity's the biggest number.
- No, it's not.
Tell me one bigger.
Infinity plus two.
I love you infinity plus two.
Billy, you're so stupid.
You should say, "I love you
infinity plus infinity."
I love you...
infinity plus infinity.
- There's a bigger number.
- I give up.
You haven't kissed me yet.
No, take a shower. You
stink. Go away, you stink.
Wait right there. Don't
move. Hold that thought.
I'm gonna come back and put
my mouth where this money is.
There's somebody at the door.
Somebody's at the door.
All right, stay calm, stay calm.
Hurry up.
I love you, but I won't
get shot over your debt.
My debt? Our debt.
Whoever's debt, I
ain't getting shot.
Stay here. If I don't get you in
30 seconds, jump out the window.
I'll meet you at Denny's.
Honey, I love you.
I love you too.
Who is it?
The manager.
- What is it?
- Got a message for you.
Brady Bunch.
A thousand ten, a thousand
eleven, a thousand twelve...
Did you hear somebody
invite you in?
I just want to talk.
A thousand thirty.
How'd you find me?
I have to admit, no one's ever
worked me the way you did.
I beat you fairly. You beat me,
I don't come and cry about it.
I'm not here to cry.
I'm here on business.
You said 30 seconds.
I almost took off.
I'm sorry.
Who's this?
- Sidney Deane.
- So?
Your boyfriend took money from
me and I noticed this bottle.
You take that, I'll shoot you.
What's with you? You need
to chill with the caffeine.
Excuse me?
You comfortable?
You know, a futon is
better for your back.
Where did you play, Billy?
College in Louisiana.
Didn't work out.
So now you hustle.
Nobody knows me here. I
can work the courts.
I have a business proposal.
It means more cash than
this chump change you make.
What is it?
There's a two-on-two tournament
next week, sponsored
by businesses.
- You want me to run with you?
- Yep.
In the meantime, we can
make some extra change.
If you don't mind hustling. And
I know you don't mind hustling.
What kind of hustle?
Heh heh.
Ball up.
You ain't got shit.
You ain't funny. I'll kill you.
You got me by what,
7000 pounds, man?
Watch the pick.
Look up, look up.
Goddamn.
Way to go.
I got to tell you, it's hard
work making you look so bad.
Who the fuck told you to talk,
motherfucker? You
score, you can talk.
Shut me down, you can talk.
But if you eat shit, you shut up.
You took me to the hole. Why?
Because I let you.
I take you anywhere I want.
I'll have you for breakfast.
Want to put some jack on that?
Who rattled your cage, dickhead?
You talk a lot for a
guy who got busted.
I'll pick any player... I'll
pick the worst player here...
- for $500.
- Excuse me?
Ex-ex-excuse me?
I'll let you pick my teammate.
He ain't serious, man. I
don't believe this shit.
- You ain't serious.
- Anybody.
Five hundred dollars.
And you can pick
anybody out here.
Anybody. Anybody.
I don't believe this.
Hey, Raymond, look at the
chump, man. Give him the chump.
No, no, no. White
boys don't count.
You have to give me a brother.
You got him. The
goofy-looking guy.
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
- Oh, fuck.
- Hey, chump.
You want to run?
You mean play basketball?
No, he means ice hockey.
Get your tired butt
up here, Gretzky.
- Where's your money?
- I'll get it.
You setting me up? Here's
my $500. Where's yours?
I said I'll get it. I got to
go to the glove compartment.
Good, you go to your
glove compartment.
Then get your Sasquatch butt
back here. I got a hot hand.
I got your back, Raymond.
What the hell is this?
Oh, man, what the hell
is this world coming to?
Look at this shit.
I ain't got nothing to worry about
except Cathy Rigby over here.
Yo, man, where is his car, man?
Is he ever going to come on back?
Hey, give me your money.
- Raymond, is that you?
- No, this ain't Raymond.
Take off that goddamn mask
and put down that gun.
What are you doing?
I got a couple of chumps
on the line at the park.
- Loan me some money, man.
- Get the fuck out of here.
Hey, look, man. You
need a good gun.
There's some crazy
motherfuckers walking around.
A lot crazier than me.
Give me $300 for it.
- I'll give you $200.
- Come on, man. $275.
- $250.
- All right.
But now you're robbing me.
Jump for it...
You got busted right there, man.
You think you can win with him?
Here we go. Here we go.
Yo, yo, I got your money.
I got $250. Let's go.
No, I said $500. Can you count?
Hey, $250, man. Take
it or leave it.
He just got out of jail.
He ain't going nowhere
with the money.
Let's do this.
I'll dog you.
A man like me can
make you look bad.
Your mouth's got you in trouble.
If I was you, I'd kill myself.
Come on. Yeah, get up.
Move right.
Come on, come on.
That man is a chump...
Sucker.
- Yeah.
- Yeah. Whoo.
Oh, lovely, lovely.
- What's your name?
- Billy Ho.
Nice to meet you.
Do it.
Let's go.
You're slow on your feet, man.
Weight slows me down.
Come on.
Huh, huh.
Tim Hardaway, my ass.
Get over there.
Shoot. Shoot.
Stay on him.
Man, he travelled.
Shit.
Point game. Point game.
That means one more point and
we win this $500. Point game.
I understand.
You gonna teach class or play?
I been teaching class on you all
day. Taking you to the clinic.
Class is in session
again. Ding-ding. Check.
Check this.
You're too stupid
to catch the ball.
Yeah?
Look out, look out.
I'll make you eat that.
Here we go, baby.
You better stay off, baby.
Where you at?
Where you at, sucker?
Shit.
Aha.
Give me my money.
What you doing?
Hard goddamn work.
Aw, come here, baby.
It's okay. You played a good game.
These motherfuckers set us up.
- You dead.
- Hey, take it easy.
Hard goddamn work.
Raymond. Raymond.
Motherfucker.
Raymond.
You ain't gonna cut me.
You set me up.
Hey, Raymond, I seen
you hustle, man.
I never used a
goofy, white fucker.
Who you calling a
goofy, white fucker?
- You, you white fucker.
- That's cool.
Wait, hold it. This is ridiculous.
Raymond, we are brothers, man.
I swear, I have never seen this
white boy before in my life.
Sidney, don't negotiate with the
guy. You got a wife and kid.
- How you know my name?
- How come he knows your family?
What? Wait a minute.
You talk about my wife and
kid and you don't know me?
Cut this motherfucker.
Cut that motherfucker.
No, fuck this. Both you
motherfuckers are crazy.
I'm going to my car and get my
other gun. Shoot everybody's ass.
Shit. Come on.
Come on. Come on. Come on.
Go, go, go.
Oh, man. We took Raymond
Dickens to the hole.
Hey, know what?
Nobody's done that around here
since the King and Duck Johnson.
King and Duck.
The King and the Duck.
What is this?
Jimi Hendrix.
I know. Why are you playing Jimi?
Because I like to listen to him.
Listen? That's what the fucking
problem is. You all listen.
What am I supposed to do, eat it?
No. You're supposed to hear it.
I just said I like
to listen to him.
No, no, hearing is
different than listening.
White people can't
hear Jimi. You listen.
What are you talking about?
His drummer was white.
Ah ho ho ho.
Get the fuck out of
here. He was not white.
Yes, he was. Yo,
check it out. See?
This is a picture.
Whole band's white
except for Jimi.
This is a fucking picture.
It's airbrushed. Jimi did not
have a white rhythm section.
You cannot hear Jimi.
All right. Fine.
- All right. Thank you.
- Check this out.
♪ He said I'll love you ♪
♪ Till I die ♪
Who is this?
The greatest troubadour of
all time, is who it is.
Troubadour? Shit
sounds like a dog.
That's a Labrador. Don't
insult this music.
Take it off.
You're not hearing this.
I don't want to hear this. This
is like pollution to my ears.
Explain to this Gladys
Knight and the Pimps...
It's Gladys Knight and the Pips.
Just put Jimi back in. I
don't like this shit.
- You're supposed to defend me.
- Who are you yelling at?
Get rid of that gum. I'm
tired of hearing it pop.
♪ He still loved her
through it all ♪
Tell this bubblehead
to make a right here.
Guy could get shot playing this
shit south of the Coliseum.
Let me off at the Trump Towers.
The penthouse is in the back.
Vista view. The flyest
view in the jungle.
- Home sweet home.
- You know it, baby.
Yo, that was a good run today.
Good run.
With the money you made, you
can get this car washed.
Hey, man, this is one
classic automobile.
You know, you got a
fine woman there.
Hey, you keep your hands off her.
I said she was fine, not
that I wanted to touch her.
You touch her and I'll kick
your ass. You hear me?
Lookee, lookee, lookee.
- It's all starting to come clear.
- Good.
You're a cool customer
on the court.
Real chill on the street. Can't
be rattled in your game, no, no.
You don't even fall for all
that nigger shit on the court.
But when it comes to your woman,
that's a different
matter altogether.
Look at you. I ain't even
talked trash and you're scared.
I ain't even pushed up on her
and you're thinking about it.
- Shut the fuck up.
- This is good.
This is really good shit to
know. I know your weakness.
You like all the white
boys I ever met.
You're like every
brother I ever saw.
Kick some shit.
You'd rather look good and lose...
- than look bad and win.
- You don't know shit about me.
I know plenty about you, Sidney.
How many dinners did this
chain cost your family back?
Just go home and get some
rest. Okay, Brady Bunch?
I ain't tired.
Bye, Gloria.
Oh, goodbye.
- Nice seeing you again.
- Same here.
Take care. I like these
rings. They're fly.
Thank you.
Take care.
Yo, Billy, tomorrow we're
going to 103rd Street.
We're gonna hustle in Watts. Tough
games out there. Big bucks.
Don't take it personally, baby.
We're teammates. Ebony...
and Ivory.
Ha ha ha.
Here's your partner.
Right, fuck me. You better get
across La Brea before sundown.
No problem.
The guy's full of shit.
Here.
♪ Well, I say love ♪
♪ Whoa, love ♪
Please explain to me why this
Negro is singing cowboy music.
This is my favourite song.
It reminds me of making love
to you. Makes me want to...
take you and lock you in a room...
and make love to you over
and over and over...
and over and over.
I didn't say I didn't like it.
Yeah?
Honey, this can't be safe. You
know I believe in safe sex, honey.
- I'm gonna take a shower.
- Put me down.
Honey, no. No.
No, honey. Stop.
♪ I want you to know ♪
♪ That I was blind,
but now I see ♪
♪ I say, I once was blind ♪
♪ But now I see ♪
♪ Well, you know, I once ♪
♪ Was blind ♪
♪ But now I see ♪
♪ That that old love has
made a fool of me ♪
Honey, my mouth is dry.
Honey, I'm thirsty.
Here you go, honey.
When I said I was thirsty...
it doesn't mean I want you to
bring me a glass of water.
It doesn't?
You're missing the point
of my saying I'm thirsty.
If I have a problem, you
don't have to solve it.
Men always think they can
solve a woman's problem.
It makes them feel omnipotent.
Omnipotent?
Did you have a bad dream?
It's a way of controlling a woman.
- Bringing them a glass of water?
- Yes. I read it in a magazine.
If I'm thirsty, I don't want you
to bring me a glass of water.
I want you to sympathise.
I want you to say:
"Gloria, I too know what it
feels like to be thirsty.
I, too, have had a dry mouth."
I want you to connect with me...
through understanding the
concept of dry mouthedness.
This is all in the same magazine?
You're into control.
Shut up.
See?
You make me sick.
Honey, don't give me
the rollover, okay?
When I say I'm
thirsty, it means if
there's some water,
I'd love a sip.
When I say I want to make
love, it means let's screw.
That's exactly what I
thought you would say.
Besides, I don't like
the word "screw."
I prefer "make love" or "fuck."
"Screwing" is for carpenters.
You're gonna get it. Oh, honey.
- Where are you going?
- Anywhere.
Getting the hell away from you,
you psycho chiquita nutcase.
Come on, honey. Come back.
I want to make love.
Honey, come back. I want to screw.
Forget you, then.
You piece of shit.
Asshole.
Look. There he is.
- Honey. It's the Stuccis.
- The Stuccis. Oh, shit.
Honey, hurry.
How'd they find us?
The money.
Hold on. Okay, all
right, I got the money.
Ok, ok.
♪ If you wanna try
the front door ♪
♪ That's a door I've never seen ♪
Go, honey, come on.
Come on, honey, move.
I'm coming, honey.
Go. Come on. Go. Go. Go.
Slow up. Slow up.
- I'm always waiting for you.
- Shut up.
- Wait for me.
- Hurry up.
Why are you moving so slow?
I'm carrying everything.
You want me to carry you too?
Oh, shit.
Come on.
Come on, honey.
We'd shoot you, Billy, but
first we want the money.
We've got your number now, Billy.
No escape.
♪ Get in my limo, baby ♪
♪ Gonna take you for a ride ♪
♪ And I tell you I'm a rich man ♪
♪ Then you tell me that I lie ♪
Hurry up.
Go. Go. Go.
♪ Bluebells ♪
♪ Cockle shells ♪
♪ Eevie ivey over ♪
♪ Mama's in the kitchen
cooking rice ♪
♪ Daddy's outside shooting duck ♪
♪ Baby in the cradle fast asleep ♪
♪ And here comes
sister with the hit ♪
This is a great
house. A great house.
But it's a little steep.
Sidney, we have to talk.
Excuse me.
♪ Jack be quick ♪
♪ Jack jump over the candlestick ♪
I want this house.
I want it too. But it's expensive.
- They want first, last, damages.
- I'll get a job.
No, no, no. I got lots of jobs.
I got the cable thing, the
roof thing, the paint thing.
Construction is slow, but
basketball puts food on the table.
Basketball isn't a real job.
It's late. I got to go. I'm
working on this new shot.
I'm sure it's a gorgeous shot.
But I still want this house.
- Okay?
- Okay.
Foul, foul.
All ball. All ball, no foul.
- You got my hand.
- Your hand is part of the ball.
- You got my wrist.
- Part of the hand.
And the knee bone's
connected to the dick bone.
- You fouled Robert.
- You didn't even see the play.
Yo, you couldn't carry my
jockstrap in a suitcase.
This is Watts. I
thought you had some
ballplayers out
here. This is shit.
I'm getting tired of your face.
Guess your mother threw
you out real young.
He's talking about your mama.
Nobody talks about my mother.
Don't ever talk about my mama. Me
and any guy here can take you.
How much you want to roll?
Oh, my God. What is this?
Oh, my God. Look at this.
It's a thousand dollars.
Oh, wait a minute, there's
more. What is this?
You rob a 7-11?
Eleven, twelve, thirteen.
Wait, is there more?
Fourteen, fifteen.
- Is that your rent money?
- Sixteen.
It's coming from everywhere.
Seventeen hundred dollars, baby.
And we get to pick your partner?
You can pick any of these stiffs
out here. Anybody. $1,700.
And don't talk about my mother.
- How about my man here?
- No, no. I want that guy.
- The white boy?
- Yeah, that scraggly mother.
No, no, no. Fuck
that. Wait a minute.
I got $800. I just cashed
my check for the rent.
- I got 50 bucks.
- $1,700. Come up with it or walk.
Play us for what we got.
Play a tune on that
bald head of yours.
Hey, man, hold on.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- What's up?
- You look so good today.
- What's up?
- You're up. I need a diamond.
I told you he was no good.
When will you listen to me?
He was a dog from day one.
Trust me. We'll go
to Zales after this.
- Don't talk about my boyfriend.
- He's a dog.
This ain't no diamond.
It's a zircon.
Okay. Let's say this piece
of shit is worth 300 bills.
I'll put my $1,700
against your $1,150.
That's a bet.
Hey, give me my money.
I'll hold it. I ain't
going nowhere.
He ain't going nowhere. The
bakery ain't open yet.
We play to 10.
- That's a bet.
- Let's do it.
We got a game to play.
Hey, Martha Graham.
Martha Graham.
Can you play?
- Good pick, man.
- You know it.
That's what I'm talking
about. Go back to Sea World.
- You let him back-door you.
- I thought he was gonna pass.
Of course he wasn't...
D up, man.
You don't know what D is.
Go, you fucking Globetrotter.
Aren't you gonna shoot?
- He was on my ass.
- You were wide open.
I got $1,700 on the line.
I won't force a shot.
Why are you kicking it to me?
- All right, I'm sorry.
- You okay?
- Let's go.
- You got it.
- Get me the ball.
- It's 9-8, us. Point game.
- One more bucket, we get $1700.
- A bucket you'll never see.
- You tried to hustle us, but...
- You gonna chitchat or play?
Get the fuck out.
You talking all this shit. Why
don't you take me to the hole?
- I practise off people like you.
- Just learn to play.
Ball, ball.
I'll take your money,
then I'll take your girl.
You're holding me.
All you do is hold people.
You know, you're disgusting.
Both of you, go back to Sea World.
Seventeen hundred.
Goddamn.
Give me my money.
It was so nice just to
hold it for a while.
I am dead. I am dead.
I'm sorry, man. I
thought I had it.
I'm dead. I'm dog meat.
She is gonna dump me now.
I feel terrible. I
had a lousy game.
We're better than them. I've beat
guys 10 times better than that.
I know. It's my fault.
It's nobody's fault. Sometimes
the ball just doesn't go down.
- Look, man. You want a ride?
- I'm taking the rail.
You sure?
I got to think of
how to tell Gloria
I lost everything we had again,
and figure out where I'm
gonna sleep tonight.
Hey, Billy, I'm sorry, man.
I mean it. I'm sorry.
"Thirty-nine" is the answer.
What's the question?
"How many books in
the Old Testament?"
I am so fucking good.
- Did Jeopardy call yet?
- Not yet.
But I'll need a nice dress. When
they call, you got to be ready.
Want to hear the books of the
Old Testament backwards?
Malachi, Zechariah, Haggai and...
Honey, please.
And I did "Famous Women" and
"Foods That Start with Q."
You can't imagine how many foods
actually start with the letter Q.
Honey, will you please shut up?
What's wrong with you?
I lost the money.
Oh, Jesus, Billy.
Not again.
- How much?
- A lot of it.
Most of it.
Roughly all of it.
You lost all our fucking money?
Shit, Billy. Jesus, man.
$1,700. Billy.
We were on our way to 8,000.
Were your opponents that good?
No, I beat better guys
in Brooklyn and Jersey.
- You missed your jump shots?
- No, I hit mine.
What about Sidney?
He had an off day. He
wasn't shooting that much.
This guy scored on
him and he didn't...
D up. He usually plays good D.
You got hustled.
I did not get hustled.
You got set up. You got
hustled by Sidney.
- No. He's a good guy.
- You said he was full of shit.
He's full of shit and
he's a good guy.
You're full of shit,
okay? Fuck that shit.
I'm going back to that house
and get my fucking money back.
No, no, no. Honey, a man
cannot ask for his money back.
He lives in the jungle, right?
No, honey, we can't.
They don't let white people
in the Crenshaw District.
And maybe not Puerto Ricans.
It's reverse discrimination.
Let's see.
We drove Sidney to Crenshaw and...
You don't understand how things
work. Men understand
how they work.
Wasn't there a big
apartment house?
Let me explain. Men's
rules are very simple.
If you win, you win.
You lose, you lose.
But under no circumstances do
you ask for the money back.
- Why not?
- It's not part of the rules.
Oh, yeah?
I got a different set of rules of
my own. Do you want to hear them?
Here they go: Sometimes when
you win, you really lose.
And sometimes when you
lose, you really win.
Sometimes when you win or
lose, you actually tie.
And sometimes when you tie,
you actually win or lose.
I hate when you talk like
that. It makes me crazy.
Winning and losing is just
a big organic globule...
from which one takes
what one needs.
I'm fucked.
Forget it. I'm not getting
off this bus, honey.
I'm not getting off
the bus. No. Stop.
Can we discuss it? Can
we have a discussion?
Does Sidney Deane live here?
He does.
He's my husband.
Well, your husband stole
$1,700 from my boyfriend.
Really?
Just a minute.
Some people are here who say you
stole their money. Come on in.
Oh, shit.
No, baby, I didn't steal his
money. I hustled his money.
- Cindy Brady.
- That girl is fine.
Cindy, what happened?
What the fuck do you want?
- Who invited you in, anyway?
- I did.