Whipped (2000) - full transcript

Everybody fucks
everybody.
It's the nature of the beast.

Jesus Christ!

♪ You go crazy
but I don't mind ♪

Fuck!

♪ You're gonna wish

♪ you never left my side

♪ you shall see

I can provide a woman
with pretty much
anything she wants.

Sausage included.

♪ Our love'll be so good

♪ you shall see



♪ she was meant for me

-oh.

-How you doing, baby?
-Fine.

Here's my card.

One of the most important keys
to being a scammer,

is to try and get their number
and go to their place,
if at all possible.

Homeless guys
got it fuckin' made.
Forget about it.

Hi. Mm.

Shit!

I've slept with nine women.
I know, I know, like nine
women by the time you're 26.

I know. It's almost like being
a virgin, but I like to think
that I'm just picky.

Thanks.

Hey, man,
where the fuck's my tip?

-In your pants, dickhead.
You should've taken a left.
-Bastard.



Nice! Real nice!

Fuck off, jerk.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Give me your number.
I'll call you later

and see if we can make a nice
little Brad sandwich.

Don't touch me!

Brad!

Hey, hey, what's going on?

-Nothing, man.
-How you doing?

-What's up, brother?
-After you.

♪ Oh, you come knocking
on my front door

♪ you're gonna be so sad
I don't love you no more

♪ 'cause your love is tainted
your love is frustrated

♪ your love is mismated

♪ your love is a river
a river run dry ♪

♪ You got many plans
but I don't mind

♪ I still can't understand
why you left me behind

♪ but when you realize
your big mistake

♪ you'll say you was wrong
but you'll be too late

♪ because I'll be long gone

♪ and you will find should
have never left my side ♪

Yeah, I'll go get you a fork.

So you see,
I've got this chick
back at my apartment.

And she thinks
I'm her best friend's brother.

-Why the fuck
does she think that?
-'Cause I told her I was.

Only way
she'd come home
with me.

Do you even know
her best friend?

Of course not.
I never know
their best friends.

But if they believe
I know their best friends,
then i'm, like, safe.

-That's genius.
-What do you mean, "safe"?

Safe, you know it's like,

she wants to know you have
something in common
before she lets you in.

It's kinda like the
college connection. When you
meet a chick in college,

she automatically
feels comfortable
to let you nail her.

She thinks you have
this common bond all because
you go to the same school.

All of a sudden, you're safe.

Fuck this safe bullshit.
Did you bone?

Ah, well, listen, okay?
I was at this club...

-With some guys from work,
right?
-Mm, mm, mm.

-Check out those sweet honeys.
-That ho' is fly.

Look at those fucking losers
over there. They're totally
checking us out.

Pigs! So desperate.

I bet they're a bunch
of lawyer or
wall street assholes.

-They want lawyer action.
-Bullshit!

Chicks don't dig
that lawyer rap,
they want wall street.

Wall street!

-Yeah, pigs.
-I don't know.

I think that that blonde one's
kind of a hottie.

-Whatever.
-Yeah, right.

What are you talking about?

-I'm not even sure
if they can handle me.
-Go get 'em then, tiger.

You can have him.

These chicks
are all over me, man.

I'm goin' in.

- Brad, Brad, Brad.
- Hi.

Have we met before?

Excuse me.

-I-I'm sure
I've met you before.
-Oh, I don't think so.

-Maybe through a friend.
-She's not interested, okay?
Just go.

What's your name?
Maybe it'll come back to me.

-I'm really
not interested, so...
-Look, I'm sorry.

It's just that you,
you totally look like one
of my sister's friends,

and I wanted to come over
and say hi, sorry.

Wait a minute.
Who's your sister?

Jen.

Your Jen's brother?

-I knew I recognized you
from those pictures.
-Get out of here.

-I haven't seen Jenny since
college.
-Wow!

How did you know to say Jen?

Every chick's
got a friend named Jen.
It's common name out there.

It's like saying you have
a friend named Peter.

Dude, she didn't even
ask you your last name?

Bro, she wanted me so bad,
all she needed was the link.

Yeah, so then what?

Well, I fed her more
bullshit about Jenny,

and after about 20 minutes,
she was begging
to join me back...

At the stabbin' cabin.

♪ Stick it in the fridge
stick it in the fridge

♪ stick it in the fridge

♪ stick it in the fridge
stick it in the fridge
stick it in the fridge ♪

Boy, very styling place
you have.

-Not half as styling as you.
-Really?

Yes.

She is all over me.

Okay, she is so fired up
and rearing to go, this chick
is not wasting any time.

She's like a fucking gorilla
on ecstasy.

I'm in Brad heaven,
just about to get smoked,

and all of a sudden,
she started
cleaning my tailpipe.

-Oh, man, that's awesome!
-That's not awesome.
It's fucking disgusting.

She tossed your salad.
That's right out
of a porno film.

You realize how much
some people pay for that?

That's gotta be
the best blow job story yet.

No, moron,
you're missing the point.

She completely passed
over my dick and went
straight for the ass.

What are you
complaining about?
Some people wait their

-whole lives for a rimmer.
-Yeah, well...

-Well, come on, you guys know
how bad my stomach is, right,
-eww.

And how I'm constantly
taking sloppy dumps
and shit?

That's her problem,
not yours.

It became my problem.

No.

No.

-Dude, that shit's disgusting.
-Yeah, no shit.

Dude, you're totally
grossing me out.
You tasted your own asshole.

-Not by choice, all right?
-Let's change the subject.
Man, Zeke, you're up.

Oh, no, man, that's sick.
I don't know if
I can top that.

Well, try, 'cause shit lips
over here is bugging me out.

- Fuck you.
- All right, chill.

I was at bell cafe,
right, writing.

When all of a sudden,
I see these two
fine honeys...

All over my wood,

all over it.

So, I'm trying to work,
and I realize they're totally
focused in on me.

There's no way
I'm gonna get anything done.
So I'm thinking,

-opportunity's a-knocking.
-I don't get it.

If I walked into some
beatnik coffee shop and saw
some unemployed dirty freak,

like yourself,
writing in a diary,

I would sit as far away
as fucking possible
from that loser.

Ahh, but that's you, Brad,

an ass-kissing...
No pun intended, suit
from the Upper East Side.

Women look at you,
they know exactly
what they're getting.

I, on the other hand,
am an east village enigma.

I secrete mystery.
Women dig mystery.

-That, combined with
the pheromones...
-The what?

The pheromones.
The electricity

I give off that sends chicks
climbing the walls and shit.

They see me,
they smell me,
they fuck me!

Yeah, okay, guy.

-So, anyway,
which one did you choose?
-Fuck that, I took 'em both.

Nice!

Damn, you got both
chicks back at your crib?
Damn straight!

These girls were
fucking pros, dude.

They were doing
all kinds of shit to me
I didn't even know existed.

Like what?

Ever hear of an inverted
double tea-bag slide?

No way!

-Dude, the sex was amazing.
It was like a gift from god.
-You writing this shit down?

This is exactly
what your next screenplay
should be about.

-How many times did you bone?
-Box worth.

Three times?

You know I only buy
12-packs, asshole.

-Bro, these chicks
sound perfect.
- Not exactly perfect.

Okay, shh.

-He's not looking.
- The next morning,
they stole my TV.

-They what?
-Fuckin' stole my set.

-You think that was their
intention from the start?
-Definitely.

I'm sure of it.
I betcha these bitches...

Double-team guys all the time,
just so they can carry
out more shit.

It's a pretty
genius operation,
if you think about it.

Yeah, but don't you feel
like they fucked you, like
they got the better of you?

Oh, they fucked me,
all right,
in a way I'll never forget.

It was worth a TV.
If they come back, I'll
throw 'em a fucking toaster.

That's fucked-up shit.

Yeah, both of you guys
are crazy, man. Shit like that
never happens to me.

It's 'cause nothing
ever happens to you.

Yeah, who'd you score?

-Or did you spend another week
in tuggin' root?
-Fuck you, man.

I had multiple ladies
on my tip

-multiple, my ass.
-Yeah, better your ass
than Brad's.

Funny!

So, anyway, I was at-i was at
strokes with my five
knucklehead friends, right?

There were like seven
fine honeys at my disposal.

Place was so ripe,
I had my pick.

Always talking a big game.

No, seriously, they were all
sitting there waiting.

All I had to do
was go in for the kill.

So?

So I did.

Her name...

Was keri.

The flyest girl at the bar.
Mm-hmm, all right.

-Dude, you've got to stop
whacking it so much.
-What?

You're always making up
chick's names and shit while
you're feeding the geese.

Fuck you, man. She's as real
as the scrambled eggs
on that plate.

Dude, last week,
her name was nivea.
The week before, lubridina.

Nivea was a nice French girl
I met in the park.

Fuck that.
If you didn't score,
just say it.

-Fine, you don't believe me?
I don't give a shit.
-Say it.

All I wanna know is,
have we found a prospect yet?

-Prospect? Yeah.
-For what?

You know, the plan.

"Triple team some chick" plan.

You still caught up
in that shit?

Come on! It'll be fucking
great. The three of us
with some amazing hottie.

Doing high-fives and shit
over her back, it'll be
the ultimate sexual plateau.

Ooh! Ah!

Look, fuck the plan.
I'm just trying to find
some chick I can relate to.

-What?
-Some girl I actually respect.

-Yeah, why can't
we find girls just like us?
-Dude,

-all girls masturbate.
-Fuck you, man.
That's not what I meant.

-Why do you always
gotta joke about the...
-I'm just kidding.

I understand
what you're saying.

It would be kinda cool
to find a chick that's hot...

And that also cared about
the same shit we do.

Yeah. Some little snappy
you don't wanna kick outta
bed every night

-right after you
throw your web.
-I hear you.

-I mean, is that
too much to ask?
-Good fucking luck.

What?

Oh, no!

Oh, man,
who the hell
invited him?

I did. Come on, guys,
he used to be one of us.

Exactly. Used to be,
then the asshole got married.

You know the rules.
You pass the ring,
you lose the sting.

You may as well
chop your dick off
at the altar.

-What's up?
-Hey, Eric, have a seat.

-Zeke, Brad, what's up?
What's up?
-Same ol'.

What the fuck's that?

My wife says I have
chronic halitosis.

She makes me spray this shit
into my mouth every hour
on the hour.

Maybe you should lend
that stuff to Brad.

- Fuck you.
- Oh, shit.

What?

Don't worry about it.

So, where you guys been?
It's like I haven't
seen you in forever.

Dude, you're married!
We no longer have anything
in common.

Jesus. What?

-I'm still the same guy.
-No, you're not.

-You're married. Face it.
-But you think
I don't got stories?

-About your wife?
Come on, bro, that's nasty.
-Oh.

-Are you saying that
we don't do kinky shit?
-No, I'm sure you do.

But it's your wife, man.
There's gotta be something a
little bit sacred about that.

Yeah, I mean, if it was
a girl we don't know,
then, well, that'd be okay,

but your wife,
I mean, it's kinda sick.

No, no, man,
that's where you're wrong.

It's way better because
it's totally uninhibited.

All right, like last night,
we were having sex
in the kitchen, right,

and I start using all the
utensils and shit, dude.

We just got this new juicer,
and it's shaped like a carrot,
right? I am bent over.

-All of a sudden...
-Save it!

What?
Dude, we had an entire line of
extra virgin olive oil...

Hey, hey, please, okay?
The visuals.
I'm trying to eat breakfast.

Hey, Eric, didn't you say
you had to go somewhere
this afternoon?

Yeah.

-Dude, you should probably go.
-Yeah,
I supposed to meet my wife

-brunch twenty minutes ago.
-Brunch? You just fucking ate.

Yeah, once you're married,
you gotta do a lot
of things twice. You know?

Appease the little woman,
make her feel all important,
like you care and shit.

- Man, that sucks.
- Yeah.

Well, bye!

See you, Eric.

Now, Jonathan, I want you
to go back to that tree,
wait about a minute.

Brad, I want you to come up
at the end. You close
the deal. You got it?

The standard. Just don't save
the ugly one for me.
All right.

Dude, look at them.
They're all sitting down.

They could all have fat asses
for all we know. All right.

-You guys, come on,
they're gonna leave.
-Chill. Are you ready?

Break.

Women, men, nobody.

Hey, girls.

-How you doing?
-Good.

-Is your name Kelly?
-No. Stacey.

-Stacey, hi, I'm Zeke.
-Hi.

Hi.
And your lovely friends?

This is Marie and Bristol.

-Marie?
-Mm-hmm.

-And crystal?
-Bristol.

-So...
-So, those are interesting
pants you got there.

Oh, you like?

-Stroke it.
-"Like" is not
exactly the word.

That's real crocodile leather.

I guess I'm most like
Mickey Rourke in
nine 1/2 weeks.

Let's face it. That man
understands the term "dominant
male" to the nth degree.

Not that I see myself
as the controlling freak
that he was.

You never know.
Am I in control?
Am I not in control?

Not that I'm a control freak,
I mean, but, you know.

Control is very,
very
important.

You always must
keep the upper hand.

No, it's not.

-What?
-Crocodile has scales.

-Oh my god! Zeke!
-Jonathan!

-I thought that was you.
-What's up, buddy?

-What's up?
What are you doing here?
-Just walking around.

-Jonathan, meet Marie.
-Hi.

-Kelly and crystal.
-Hi.

-Stacey.
-Stacey, I'm sorry, Stacey.

Bristol.

-So, how do you guys
know Zeke?
-We don't.

Maybe Andrew McCarthy
inst. Elmo's fire.

You know, he was like
totally misunderstood
in that film, okay?

Just because he had creative,
more intellectual interests,
everybody thought he was gay.

I don't-you know,
I'm not-I'm not like that.

It-it's just because
I'm single and creative,
and, you know,

maybe I understand
my feminine side a little bit
better than the next guy.

He just came over here,
made us feel his leg.

Hey, guys, what are you
doing in the park on Sunday?

Brad!

Who are these
beautiful mommies?

Brad, this is Marie,

-Marie.
-Stacey...

-Pleasure.
-And crystal.

Bristol.

-Bristol.
-Bristol.

I would have to say
Tom Cruise,risky business.

He was stuffing
Rebecca de mornay,

drove a Porsche, and he ran
a fucking clam house,
for Christ's sake!

Brad, get off the baby-sitter.

No, scamming's not
the most important thing.
It's just...

Something I'm good at.
A good catch? Yeah,
I think I'm a good catch.

I make a shitload of money.

Look at me!

Why the fuck's
everyone so quiet?

Didn't anyone scam
this weekend? Zeke.

Yeah, of course.
It's just, I don't wanna
talk about it.

What do you mean
you don't wanna talk
about it?

Isn't that the point?
Why else do we come here
every Sunday?

Look, married ass, maybe
I met someone I don't feel
like telling you dicks about.

Just because you have
no morals and talk about
how you porked your wife

with a waffle iron,
that doesn't mean
I gotta tell you shit.

Excuse me for asking.
And it was the juicer.

So,

was she hot?

I don't give a shit about
looks anymore. I'm over
that superficial crap.

As long as she's got
a great rack and buns like
a champ, I'm happy.

Yeah, she was hot.

-And you railed her?
-What?

You didn't rail her?

That's probably
why you like her and
you're not talking about her.

Look, I didn't say
if I railed her or not.

Which usually means
you didn't.

-Didn't rail her.
-Definitely didn't rail her.

Listen up, assholes.

It's Thursday night.
I was back at the bell cafe,
looking for the wonder twins,

when all of a sudden, I notice
this beautiful woman reading a
book at another table.

You notice how
she's a woman and not a ho.
Mm-hmm.

What are you reading?
This girl was fly!

-She's that fucking hot?
-Yeah.
-Wow!

But the capper is,
she was reading Syd field's
screenplaybook.

-So.
-So? That's like the Bible
for screenwriters.

Not only is this chick hot,
but she's got the same
interests as me.

Wow!

Wait. Did you just say
you fucked her in a field?

Yeah. No, I said
she was reading Syd field's
screenplaybook.

- Oh, dude, who cares?
Did you fuck her?

No, look!

Have some fucking respect.
I think I actually
like this one.

Ah! I knew it!

Definitely
didn't fuck her.

Did you get her back
to your crib?
Of course.

What are your legs?
Steel Springs.

How fast can you run?
Fast as a leopard.
Galipoli.

-Mm.
-Um, um...

Um...

George, George,
George, George, George,

it's Michael dorsey,
your favorite client.

-George of the jungle?
-No.

Tootsie!

-Okay, you go.
-What? I amuse you?

That's so easy. Goodfellas.

Hey, hey. Hey, wait.

Can't we just take it slow?

We can definitely
take it slow, baby.

So she wanted me pretty badly,
but I thought it'd be best
to take it slow.

Man, I knew it.

See? If he nailed her,
then she'd be like all
the rest. Nothing special.

But since he didn't fuck her,
he cares.

But I never get laid,
and I never care
about most of my scams.

-That's because you haven't
fucked and lost yet.
-Mm-hmm.

You know,
once a chick plays you
for nothing more than a dick,

you will toughen up,
and you will be able to fuck
and forget just like that.

Yeah, a chick's gotta
tease the dick
in order to be teased.

Yeah, and after a dick tease,
you'll be working
with an UN-teaseable dick.

-Nothing's penetrating
that thing.
-Yeah.

You gotta fall off the bike
in order to get back on.

So, I've gotta be fucked
and spit on.

Before I can have
feelings for a girl
by not fucking her?

-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm, yeah.

-I get it now.
-Thanks.

-Yo, dude, you're up.
What are you thinking about?
-Hmm?

-What's on your mind?
-Nothing.

It's just, uh,

I think I may have met
somebody this weekend
that I actually like too.

No! Dude.

Oh!

Oh, my god!

Unbelievable!

I think I'm getting a wood.

What is it about two chicks
grinding that turns me on?

This lesbian fad is awesome!

Oh.

Oh. Holy balls.
Will you look at that?

Shit.

- Hi.
- Hi.

This chick was so hot. Okay?
She had the whole package.

She had a cock?

Yeah, she had a dick, dude.

Come on, no.
She had the whole package.

I mean, this is
the kind of girl
I've been looking for.

And she was digging your shit?

Of course she was
digging my shit.

-Did you stuff her?
-No, man.

I'm kinda like you, Zeke.
I think I really
like this girl.

She was more interested
in stock options and bonds
and stuff like that.

-It sounds like she was
interested in your wallet.
-It wasn't like that at all.

I think she really
cared about me,
what I was all about.

That's so great.

-All right, so,
these are the revenues.
-Mm-hmm.

-These are the earnings.
-Exactly.

That makes sense.

Most chicks I date
couldn't give two shits
about what I do.

All they really want is
some nice dinner
at some trendy restaurant...

And a nice hard cock
at the end of the night.

They don't care
what's important to me.

-Mm.
-Mm.

Did this one want
the hard cock too?

No, man, she was different.
We totally bonded.

No, I didn't even wanna sleep
with her. I could've stayed up
all night and talked to her.

Gosh, that sounds
like a lot of fun.

So, you just talked all night?

No. She smoked me.

But I could've
talked
all night.

Was she good?

-I just told you
I didn't fuck her.
-No, no, I meant,

-w-was she good
at smoking pole?
-Fucking horny bastard.

Well, she was all right.
She's not gonna
win any medals,

so she ain't no Hanna?

Oh, shit!

-Wait a second. Who's Hanna?
-My god,
I almost forgot about her.

- Dude, you remember Hanna.
- "Hoover" Hanna.

She gave Brad
the five-hour blow job.

-Bullshit. No fucking way.
-Mm-hmm.

That chick could suck a taxi
driver through immigration.

After about three hours,
I was getting so hungry,
I called Mr. Pizza.

Dude came into my room
as hoover was gumming my knob.

She never knew he was there.

How did you last
for five hours?

Bro, I was so boozed up
and tabbed up and had probably
27 bong loads on top of that.

There was no way
I was gonna nut.
I was just fortunate

my wood didn't go south

plus, she kinda
reminded me of my sister.
I couldn't get into it.

Enough about me.

It's time for you to bore us
with another spank fest.
What was her name this week?

Vaselina?

No, man, this week
was different.

I was at the newsstand, right,
picking up some reading
material for the bathroom,

when, outta nowhere...

I'm sorry.

-I'll get it.
-Uh, no, no. Oh.

-Are you okay?
-Yeah.

Do you want me to put these
back in your bag for you?

Okay.

We spent the rest of the day
talking, over coffee.

That's the most embarrassing
shit I've ever heard.

-Man, that sucks.
-No, but, but,
that's the best part.

I mean, she knows
I beat off constantly.
She doesn't give a shit.

What?

What's more personal
than that?

I mean, after knowing that,

we could talk about anything.

It's like there's nothing
to hide.

Once a day. That's it?

Yeah. Well, isn't that enough?

Well...

Once a day,
there's like a foundation,
and then,

um,

like, definitely at night
before I go to sleep, always.
It helps me go to sleep.

-Me too.
-Really?

-Yes!
-That's so cool.

Yeah, except sometimes
I'm just too tired
to finish, you know?

I just bore myself.

My ex-boyfriend was
actually really into...

Videotaping me while I...

Really?

And then while
he was videotaping,
he would also be...

-To himself.
-Really?

-And you would watch?
-Yeah.

While he...
Did you, did you like it?

Uh, yeah.

Wow!

♪ Don't kiss and don't tell

♪ You're gonna get yourself
in trouble ♪

You are one lucky bastard.

Congratulations,
little stroker.

For the first time
you finally scored big.

-He's earning his stripes.
-Thanks. That means a lot
coming from you guys.

-So, uh, did you?
-No, no, no.

No, I didn't fuck her,
but I have a date with her.
This week.

And,

-she asked me
to bring the video camera.
-Nice!

Dude, you know what
you gotta do?
You gotta show up

at her apartment with some
wine and flowers and shit.

-With the video camera.
-Of course with
the video camera, yeah.

-Why are you feeding him
that bullshit?
-What made you a fucking pro?

I know what I'm talking about.
You get some cheap wine,
like dunnewood, right?

It's got a really nice label,
so it looks expensive.

You could always get the shit
on sale, for like 9.99.

Dunnewood and some
cheap roses. You'll be doing
the bone dance in no time.

Like he should take advice
from you? What do you know
about women?

You're married,
for chrissakes!

You think I don't know
what women want?

Now that I am married,
I am much more sensitive
to a woman's needs.

-Wait, wait. Dunnewood.
-The shit works every time.

I think I'm gonna wait
a week or two before calling
my chick. You know?

Get her all moist and shit
so she's begging for my love.

Brad, if you really like this
woman, you should call
her right away,

-make her feel special.
-Pipe it, toughy.

-I don't need your
bullshit advice.
-Yeah, shut the fuck up.

Dude, he's right.
You should call her tonight
because,

maybe we could
all do something
together this week.

Don't get faggy on me.

I don't want your ass ruining
my chances of tackling some
clam. I'm waiting a week.

I don't know about a week.
I'd try to get the nice-guy
date out of the way

-as soon as possible.
-What? Nice-guy date?

The one that's just filler,
shows her what a nice guy
you are. That way,

she'll let you hit it
on the next date.

How many dates does it take
for you to bone?

Well, if I don't hit it on the
first, which is rare, then
most likely on the second.

But, by rule, if I don't
get it on the third, I'm never
calling that girl again.

They're definitely
not worth the time
after the third.

It always takes me
a few months.

Come on, art boy.
Let's see what you got.
What'd you bring today, huh?

Bring your notepad?
Gonna write this shit down?
"Brad dreams."

"Brad's got game." You trying
to get a piece of me?

-Pass the ball.
-I'm ready. Fucking bring it.
-Are you ready?

All right, bring it in!

Why don't you pay attention?

I am paying attention!

♪ Say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on

♪ say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on

♪ say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on

♪ say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on

♪ say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on

♪ say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on

♪ say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on

♪ say ooh, la, la, sassoon
come on, come on # ♪

Late last night,
I couldn't get to sleep
'cause loraine was in the bed,

so I snuck down to the den,
and I ordered some
pay-per-view porn.

Why? That's just terrible.
It's useless.
They don't show penetration.

I couldn't believe
the size of their breasts
on some of these women.

They were like huge.

-They were fake!
-Yeah, knuckle dick,
those fun bags aren't real.

Wow!
Yeah, those love pillows...

Just propped up, straight,
pointing north like that...
Never south, always north.

Sometimes when I get home
from the gym, I've done
a few sets of butterflies.

I'm all pumped up,
I look in the mirror,
and go,

"I've got a nice rack.
I'd fuck me." Whoo!

Kinda like that psycho
in silence of the lambs.

Exactly, except
I don't do the dick tuck.

I used to do the tuck
for loraine, you know,
just to spice up the sex life.

-You know,
keep the bedroom hot and shit.
-What?

You did the tuck for loraine?
Well, she started talking
about bringing home a woman

-and, like, threesomes
and shit like that.
-Dude, that's awesome.

Mmm.

Oh, master, oh, master.

Hiya!

So anyway,
she wouldn't let this go,

and that's when
I realized she has this
pseudo-lesbian craving.

What?
Are you kidding me?
Loraine?

No, she wouldn't let it go.
You know?

So instead of bringing back
another chick,
sometimes I just,

I do the tuck, talk in a high
voice like this, and shit,
like this.

Touch me. Touch me.
Touch me. Touch me.

Mm, Brad.

Mm, Brad.

I tried the tuck
a couple times,
but, I don't know,

it really kinda
hurts
my penis.

-You're not doing it right.
-So is this shit
still going on?

You're still unstrapping one
for loraine?

No,
dude, that was just a phase.
Now she's in a book group.

-You know what? I gotta go.
-Where do you gotta go?

I gotta make a phone call.
Brad, do you still have
your cell?

-What, you calling your ho?
-What? Of course not.
I mean...

It fucking sucks.

There are certain words
I don't like to use.

I don't like "masturbation,"

or, or "jerking off,"

or, or "spanking."

I think those words are,
they sound vulgar.

"Sturbing" is the word I use.
Um, sturbing. Um,

um, I'm comfortable
with sturbing.

♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey
hey, Mia

♪ you're my cup of

♪ tea...a

Sometimes,
I...I sit on my hand,
you know, and...

I sit on it
for a really long time
until it falls asleep,

and then, once it's asleep,
i, you know, I sturb with it,
like this,

so it feels like...Like
somebody else is
doing it to me.

I call it the "stranger."

♪ Mia

♪ we can take a trip

♪ across the sea, yeah
yeah ♪

♪ Hey, Mia, yeah, yeah

You look beautiful, Mia.
No, that's no good.

Um, you look wonderful.

Uh, you look amazing.

What the hell? Hello?

You look amazingly beautiful.

Shit. That's so bad.

Um, okay.

You look... you look stunning.

Mia? Mia?

Shit!

Let go! Let go!

Holy shit.

In here!

Stop that!

Get off. Get off.

Fucking cocksucker!

What the hell's going on here?

-Hey, wait!
-What?

I am gonna kick your ass

if you don't tell me
why the fuck you're here.

-What is going on?
-I have a date with Mia.

-Fuck you. I'm dating Mia.
-Would you get
the hell off me?

You guys all know each other?

-You guys have known each
other since college?
-Mm-hmm.

-And you're best friends?
-Yeah.

For real?
How is that possible?

I mean, it's New York City.
What are the odds of that?

Apparently, pretty high.

-Sorry.
-I'm sorry too.

I mean,
I really like you guys,
all of you.

What's with the dunnewood?

Anyway, in an ideal world,
I guess that...

I wanna keep seeing
all of you.

But I understand
that that's not possible.

So,

if you guys wanna take off,

I understand.

Okay.
It was fun while it lasted.

-Bye.
-Bye, John.

-Come on, Zeke, let's go.
-I'm not going anywhere.

What?

-I'm staying.
-Come on, Zeke.

Fuck that!
If you wanna go, go.

Come on, man,
don't be a dick.

You don't understand.
I actually like her.

Mia and I have a connection.

Wait. We have a connection,
too, right?

- I'm staying.
- What?

-I'm staying.
-Oh, my god.
You gotta be kidding me.

Okay. Okay.
If you're connected,

and if you're connected,
I'm connected too.

You're sure
you're okay with this?

Oh, yeah.
It's not a problem.

Back off! She's mine!
Both of you have totally
fucking dicked me over.

-Fuck that. You dicked me.
-You know?

I'm the only one that's
even supposed to be here,

and I think it's really funny
that both of you decided
to surprise her...

On the one day that I had a
date with her, and we were
gonna use the video camera.

I'm not backing off.

If Mia wants to see all of us,
then you're gonna have
to deal with it.

Oh, fuck you! Who gives a shit
what you think?

You know what?
I'm really tired of the way
you talk to me.

Fuck you, you fucking...

-Fuck you.
-Hey, hey, easy, easy. Chill.

-I'm gonna kick his ass.
-What are you gonna do?
Kung-fu chop me to death?

-Hiya, karate boy.
-Hey, chill.

-Crane position, Daniel San.
-What the fuck...

First of all,
it's jujitsu, faggot.
Second of all,

-i don't need to know shit
to kick your lame ass.
-Yeah, I'm so scared.

If you don't shut the fuck up,
I'm gonna move.

You know what? Fuck this shit.
You're both assholes.

I'm outta here.

Assholes.

Why do you always
have to be such a dick?

Asshole.

Dick.

♪ Ba, ba-ba-ba
ba-ba, ba-ba-ba

♪ I'm sleeping
and right in the middle
of a good dream

♪ I call out
once I wake up

♪ from something that keeps
knocking at my brain

♪ before I go insane
I hold my pillow to my head

♪ and spring up in my bed
screaming out the words
I dread

♪ I think I love you
I think I love you ♪

Hey, it's Mia.
Please leave a message.

Hello, Mia.
How you doing, sweetie?
It's Brad.

I have two tickets
to the Knicks game tonight.

I wanted to see
if you wanted to go.

♪ And never talked about it

♪ and did not go and shout it

♪ when you
walked into the room
I think I love you ♪

Hi, it's Jonathan.
How are you?

I'm calling to say hey
and see if maybe,

I don't know,
you wanna do something later.

♪ I think I love you
isn't that what life
is made of

♪ though it worries me to say
that I never felt this way

♪ hey!
I think I love you ♪

Hey, Mia, it's Zeke.
Where are you, baby?

I wanna hang out with you.
We could do something,
really get close.

Call me.

♪ I think I
love you, isn't that
what life is made of ♪

I like to walk into a place,
check out the vibes,

see what kind of signals
I'm getting on the wood meter,
look-aways, that kind of shit.

A "look-away"? That's when
a girl looks at you,

and she instantly looks away.

That is a solid green light.

Look away. Look away.

That's like you've hit
a home run, you haven't even
had to pick up a bat.

Like most scammers
that I'm aware of,

I'm not that comfortable
with other men.

I have a very strong affinity
for the society of women.

I knew it'd just be a matter
of time for you to get

what'd you see
in those dicks anyway?

Dicks? I thought
they were your friends.

Your friends don't try
and get on your girlfriend.

Excuse me.

Mia,

I know we haven't been
together for that long,

but I just wanted to tell you,

I haven't had that many
special relationships
with girls.

I mean, women.

And, it might not seem
like a big deal to you,

but I just feel like
I can talk to you about
just about anything.

It means a lot to me.

I never thought
I'd be able to say that.

That's what I love
about you, Zeke.

You have this whole cool,
lady's man exterior,

but inside
you're just a big dork.

-Hmm?
-In a good way.

How do you know me so well?

I just... do.

-That was awesome.
-Thanks.
Practice makes perfect.

Look.

I know I joke around a lot,
Mia, but...

I want you to know
that I am totally serious...

When I say that you are
the coolest thing in my life.

I have never met anyone
like you before.

So what's next?

No, no. I meant with us.

Oh! Oh, I don't know.

I've never been
in a relationship...

Like this before.

You'll be my little student.

And you can
spank me when
I'm bad and shit.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, god.

Wow!

That was amazing.

-I wanna show you something.
-Okay.

These are great.

These are really...

These are great.

The guys think I look
like a fag in that picture.

Well, what do they know?
They're just jealous.

You're really different
from them, you know, Jonathan.

You're a lot more genuine,

and these past few weeks
with you have been
really special.

The past few weeks with me
and Zeke and Brad.

No...

Dummy.
The past few weeks with you.

I was really confused before,

but I'm not anymore.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Whoa.

Jonathan! Come on, we're late.

-I'll be right out.
-Okay.

Wow, five speeds.

Oh, ho.

Oh. Ah.

♪ Karma, Karma, Karma
Karma, Karma, chameleon

♪ you come and go
you come and go

♪ loving would be easy
if your colors
were like my dreams

♪ red, gold and green

honey, come on! We gotta go!

Shit.

Shit.

-What?
-Oh, nothing.

Are you sure
you're okay?

I'm fine. Just a second.

Oh.

Eww!

Eww!

Okay.

Um...

Sweetheart, if...If you need
it, there's some pepto above
the sink in the cabinet.

Come on, come on. Fuck.

Come on. Come on.

-It's not coming out.
-Are you sure you're okay?

-You sound pretty bad.
-No, i'm... I'm fine.

-Honey, I'm coming in.
-No, wait! No!

What are you doing?

I was just washing
my hands, my hair.

I was feeling dirty. We...
We have to go.

- Wait. What is that?
- W...What?

I hear a humming.

-Oh, I don't hear anything.
-Why are you so wet?
You smell like a toilet.

It's great to have
the boys back together again.

-Actually, I was starting
to miss you guys.
-Fuck you.

To think that I
actually cared.

Look, guys, can we just
put everything behind us
and move on?

-Let's just forget
about all the bullshit.
-Okay with me.

-Fine.
-Good. Let's order.

Hey, hey. Whoop. Okay.

So, um,

did anyone read
the blow job article
in cosmothis month?

-What?
-Why the fuck
you reading cosmo?

My wife keeps it
near the bathtub.

God, thank god,
I am not married.

No, you don't understand.
This magazine's
for women and shit.

It...it has,
like, all these tips
on how to please your man.

Oh, I get it now.

So you read this shit
so you can learn
how to please your man.

Oh, that is funny,
but no, no, dude.

What I'm saying is
that it's written by women.

It says things like, okay,
one out of every three men...

Has latent
homoerotic fantasies.

-What?
-Anyway, so,

this article says that chicks
should make
their boyfriends...

Drink apple juice
before they give head.

They say
it makes the taste better.

Therefore, they would want to
give more head in the future.

-Really?
-That shit's bullshit.

Why you wasting our time
with this crap?

It's better than talking about
that whacked ho, Mia.

Oh, man,
she's got you all whipped!

-Excuse me.
-Yeah, who's whipped?

She's got you so muff-spelled,
she's fucking riding
your asses into the ground.

What the fuck are you
talking about? What is
wrong with this asshole?

Mia's not riding me anywhere.
She just realized
who Mr. Right was.

-Yeah, me!
-That's a good one, Zeke.

Actually she only wants
to see me now... exclusively,
if you haven't already heard.

I don't know about that.
You see, Mia and I
are in love.

Oh, dream on, pussy!

Are you both that whacked
you don't realize she thinks
you're both losers?

She wants me, the "z."

My god. You talk so much shit,
you're actually starting
to believe it.

Come on, she's just a girl.

I thought both of you guys
knew she didn't want
to see you anymore

oh, and like she wants
to see you?

The only reason I showed up
today 'cause I figured
you two ignorant dickheads...

Finally got the message
and backed off.

-Whatever, Zeke.
-Don't "whatever" me,
cock boy.

Hey, come on, come on,
there's other people here.
Pull that, take it outside.

I'll fucking take it outside,
away from you two dicks.

Bunch of fucking pricks.

She wants me, asshole.

You remember that, too, fucko.

Yeah? Should I
remind her of that before
or after I pull out?

Fuck you, you little puff.

Dick!

Why don't you go home
and snap one out,
you toss-off!

Fuck you too!

-Oh, my gosh.
-Sorry.

Don't worry. And besides,
it's not apple juice.

It's pineapple.

That's it. Forget it.

-Hello?
-Uh, yeah, hi. My name's Eric,

and I'm a friend of Zeke,
Brad and Jonathan's.

-Yeah?
-Uh, yeah, uh, I just, uh,
came to talk about, uh...

What you're doing
to my friends.

Well, most of it is
none of my business,

but you're completely
messing with their heads.

And I just wanna know...

How it is that you
can respect yourself...

Doing...

What it is...

-That you do.
-What exactly is it that I do?

You...you're seeing all
of my friends...
At the same time.

You're like fucking
all three of them.

Is this dunnewood?

First of all,
I don't see how this
is any of your business.

Second of all,
you act like I'm doing this
on purpose.

You think I enjoy putting
myself and your friends
through this?

Well, then why don't
you just...
Choose one of them?

Look, I really...

I really like your friends.

Haven't you ever met a woman
who's so special that
you didn't want to lose her?

Oh, well, no.
I'm married so...

So... then you have.

Oh! Yeah.

Right, right. Yeah.

Well, so have I.

Except, instead of one person,
I met three.

I'm just asking you
to stop seeing them.

Why do you care so much?

Because!

Because why?

Because!

Uh...

You gotta understand...

I've been married
for two years.

Two long fuckin' years!

I don't know if you know
what that's like
having to spend...

Every frickin' day
with the same woman.

But the only thing
I have to look forward to
is sundays with the guys.

And now that you've
come along...

You're ruining me.

You've taken away...
The one thing I have
to look forward to,

and now I'm fucked!

I got no outlets.

Well, Eric...

-Is it Eric?
-Mm-hmm.

I understand.

And I will take care of it.

Okay?

♪ there's just not enough

♪ mmm, oh baby

♪ darling
my darling, I

♪ can't get enough
of your love, babe

♪ girl, I don't know
I don't know why ♪

Call me anytime, okay?

♪ Can't get enough
of your love, babe

♪ there are some things
I can't get used to

♪ no matter how I try

♪ it's like the more you give
the more I want

♪ and, baby, that's no lie

♪ oh, no, babe, tell me

♪ what can I say
what am I gonna do

♪ how should I feel
when everything is you

♪ what kind of love is this
that you're giving me ♪

Look at this one. Nice. Hot.

Oh, hoo! There's one for you
right over there.

You know a girl like that
does squats.

God, I love this.

♪ I scream your name
look what you got me doin'

♪ darling, I

♪ I can't get enough
of your love, babe

♪ girl, I don't know
I don't know
I don't know why

♪ I can't get enough
of your love ♪

I find it amazing that men
seem to go forever without
buying toilet paper.

-What do you mean?
-I mean for us,
it's like an essential.

But men, they'll use anything.
Tissue, paper towels.

Newspaper.

- Sheets.
- Sheets?

That's a good one. Hey, honey.

Ohhh! Man, this place sucks!

Don't have my rough riders?
All right.

I think this'll do.

Honey, you know what?
I don't think those
are the right ones.

Honey, let go.

Don't you think these
would actually be
more comfortable?

-What?
-For me.

-I meant more comfortable
for me. "For her pleasure."
-What're you talking about?

Excuse me.

What are you lookin' at?

Come on, baby,
it's the motion
of the ocean.

I didn't expect
to see you around for a while.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

Well, seeing as how
you're married and all,

I was just wondering,

what's it like to settle down
with a woman?

I mean, does your life stop
or what?

No, no. Don't get me wrong.
I'm not saying
I wanna do this now.

It's just... I'm interested
in your thoughts about
live-in chicks and shit.

Wait a second.

You're not thinking
about shacking up
with that ho, are you?

Dude, of course...
Don't be a dick.
Of course not.

I'm just,

You know, curious.

Well, ah,

when you do decide
to live with a chick,
basically everything changes.

The key to survival
is remember one thing:

That's that your life
now belongs to someone else.

Basically you'll notice things
about your daily routine
that start to change.

For instance,
the toilet seat shit,
it is a big one.

You have got to remember
to put that shit down,
or you're fucked.

Loraine almost left me
because I forgot that shit.

Oh, and you gotta remember
to flush.

If you leave
a floater in there,
you're a dead man!

Oh, and you...
You gotta go easy on the gas.

I used to give loraine
the "Dutch oven"
like every night.

Then she started slipping
laxatives into my dinner
at night for revenge,

and I almost shit out
my colon.

But, you know,
I changed my diet after that,
you know, for loraine.

I actually feel
a lot better because of it.

But, all in all,
living with loraine,

sharing everything,

has got its advantages
and its disadvantages.

Is that kinda
what you wanted to hear?

Yeah, man. Yeah.

Thanks a lot.

We used to have
this credo,

"bros before hos,

"pals before gals."

Don't get me wrong.
I definitely believe...

In the institution
of marriage and family.

It's just that...

Until I find the one,

I don't see anything wrong
with chalking up
as many points as possible.

When I'm not closing deals,
I'm closing deals!

What the fuck's goin' on here?

Why are you assholes here?

Fuck you. I was invited.

-Where's Mia?
-What the hell
are you doin' here?

-She called me and
asked me to come, dick-suck.
-Mia's in the shower.

-What the fuck's going on?
-I don't know, but maybe
Mia made her choice.

Then you guys
might as well leave now.

This is as good a time as any
for you to learn how special
our relationship really is.

You really are whacked!

Wait a minute.

I'm not sure, but
it's definitely possible...

Yes,
it is a definite possibility.

I think I know why
she called us all here.

There's a good chance...
That she called us
all here because...

Because she wants us
all to do her...

Together!

You know, triple-team her!

-She wants the fucking plan!
-You can't let that shit go.

-That is fucking ridiculous!
-It could've been her fantasy
right from the start.

Come on.
She's been seeing all three
of us for a few weeks now.

If she wanted to make
a choice, she would've
done so a long time ago.

She wants the plan!

She's in the fucking shower
soaping herself up.

She's cleaning herself up
because she wants us all
to bone her.

-Have some fucking respect!
-My Mia doesn't want the plan.

I know she wants to fuck me,
but not you guys.

Your Mia? Come on!

Yeah, my Mia.

Guys, believe what you want,
but I'm boning!

What is that?

That is what keeps the chicks
coming back, my man.

You've got some
fucked-up shit goin' on!

At least I've got
some shit goin' on!

What you fag boys lookin'
at my dick for anyway?

Look, just put
your pants back on, okay?
I have to talk to you guys.

-Serious.
-Oh, what now?

I made, uh, a decision
about something.

It's the toughest decision
I've ever had to make.

I knew you'd come out
eventually. It's okay.
Bein' gay is hip now.

This is serious.
It's not a joke! Just listen.

I love Mia.

And Mia loves me.

And I think I'm gonna
ask her to marry me.

-Are you kidding me?
-Whoa.

I know this is gonna have
some effect on our friendship.

But if you guys
don't understand
my feelings for Mia,

then you're not
my real friends.

Fine. Fuck you then.

My god, Mia does not love you.

Jesus, Jonathan,
you can be so naive sometimes.

Yeah. You know what?
I could use a good laugh. Why
don't you go in right now...

And ask her to marry you,
you fucking loser!

-I'm gonna kill you!
-Hey, hey, hey!
Jonathan, chill out!

What the hell
is going on here?

What the hell are you doing?

Put your pants on.

Are you guys
fucking out of your minds?

I would say that
the one thing that you can
never be prepared for...

With married life...

Is the shopping.

It all seems
to have something to do
with shopping.

There is always shopping
to be done.

Somewhere. Shopping.

I've kinda
gotten into antiquing.

But that's just 'cause
the chicks are
usually better-looking.

My specialty...

When I was hanging out
with the guys and scamming,

was something called
"jumping on the grenade."

That's when you're out
with a group of guys.

You meet with
a group of women,
or find a group of women.

And usually one of them
is a little less attractive.
This is the grenade.

And it would be my job
to jump on the grenade.

To sort of keep everything
flowing for the evening.

That was my thing.

Then I married the grenade.

I pulled her pin.

-She just threw you guys out?
-Yeah, because Tarzan here
thought she wanted the plan...

And got naked.

How was I supposed to know?
All the signs were there.

-And you never even found out
what her choice was?
-Nope.

Then fag boy freaked out
on us and left the place.

Do you know he's thinking
about asking Mia to marry him?

-No!
-Yeah. She'll never marry him!

Right?

-Of course not!
-Of course not.

No way.

Ahh, here comes
the Princess now.

- Hey, Jonathan.
- Hey, dude.

I just want you guys
to know...

That I officially
do not like you anymore.

From this moment on,
we are no longer friends.

-Jonathan?
-Just stay out of it. Okay?

This is between me and them.

So I brought some things.

Here are your karate videos...

That you lent me. Sorry it
took me so long to return
them, but I was busy.

You can have it back.

Every time I use it,
I think of you,
and it makes me upset.

Dude, could I have that?

-Dude, it's a boner toner!
-I'm gonna go.

Why don't you sit down
and relax? Sit down.

Jonathan, I ordered you
some waffles and sausage.

Come on, man. Have a seat.

I'm not staying.
I have things to do.

Are you really willing
to give up everything
we've got for Mia?

Yeah. That's how much
she means to me.

Oh, my god!

What the fuck?

What the fuck is this?

Just, uno momento.

Hey, you guys!

Um, look, I know
we have a lot to talk about.

But I'm kinda busy right now.

Who the fuck are they?

Just some guys
I met in Italy last summer.

-They're visiting me
for a while.
-Visiting?

Yeah.
But I'll call you guys later.

Later in the week. Okay?

-But, Mia!
-What's goin' on here?

I'm sorry. Gotta go.

-I'm gonna kick some
salami motherfucker ass!
-Calm down, man.

Fuck you! Let it go.
For all you know
they could be her cousins.

Cousins? Gimme a break.
She was totally macking
that goddamn meatball.

-Maybe they're
very close cousins.
-What?

-Mia?
-Dude, one of them's
grabbin' her ass!

-Where?
-Don't worry about it, man.

-All fucking three
are grabbing her ass!
-What the fuck!

-Mia! Mia!
-That was the last time any
of us saw or heard from Mia.

She just kind of vanished.

I guess I should be angry.

She could've had the best. Me!

As for the group?
Well, we tried
to get back into the groove.

I have to take a shit so bad.

I'm looking around,
there's no bathroom, okay?
I can barely hold it in.

Zeke was back to getting
robbed once a week.

The bastard was watching.

Eric was still trying
to find creative ways
to pork his wife.

Honey, ready or not,
here I come.

He'd do anything to stay part
of the group.

And Jonathan? Well...

Let's see.

Who will it be tonight?

As for me...

Damn! My sister never told me
how beautiful you were.

She's gonna get it
when she gets
in from Colorado.

Colorado? I thought Jen lived
in Boston.

Oh, whatever.

And soon we faced
the inevitable:

Our little tradition
began to disband,

till finally, it was no more.

We had never let anybody
get between us before.

I guess it took somebody
as special as Mia

to open our eyes...
And make us realize...

That women are a lot more
like us.

Well, lot more like Zeke
and Brad...

Than we ever imagined.

I'm worried about her.

I know in my heart that
she's really hurting inside.

Brad was never...
I mean never...Fully hard.
-What do you mean never?

Why didn't you bail?

I just really hope she's okay.

It's a package deal.
Evidently not.

-So, what happened?
-Did he ever get it in?

Mmm, sort of.

I gotta say,
I kinda felt sorry
for the guy.

I mean, it was really sad
watching him struggle.

He would just
kind of, you know,

bang it up against me...
Like fucking rain man.

I know what that's like.
It's like fitting
a marshmallow in a keyhole.

-It's like playing pool
with a string.
-Okay.

How do you get a condom
on like that?

What does he
need a condom for?
Guy needs a splint.

-You know what's even worse?
The guy had ass-rot.
-What?

-I'm sorry, but he did.
-Disgusting!

-I'm serious.
-You know why? They don't
know how to wipe. True.

And then there was Zeke.
Zeke was like...

Downtown art boy,
you know what I mean.

The guy was so fucking
conceited in bed.

And the irony is...
He had the smallest cock
I have ever seen.

It was all tip and no shaft.

I'm serious.

It was like a fucking acorn
resting on his balls.

And then, to top it off,
the guy's a fucking freak
in bed.

He'd be like,
"who's your daddy?

-"Who's your daddy!"
-Oh!

Actually, I think that was
the most he ever asked me
about myself.

Then there was Jonathan. Yeah,
he was harmless, Jonathan.

Yeah, I could've
hung out with him
for a little while longer.

-Whoa, Mia!
Are you getting "emo" on us?
-Please!

-What's "emo"?
-Emotions.
Occupational hazard.

I kinda felt bad for him.
That's all. Then again,
he did have it coming.

-Of course he had it coming.
-Exactly.

Fuck this shit,
I want details.
Did he have a big dick?

Come on, give it to us.

Package size.

Oh, my.

Come on!

-No.
-Holy shit!

-Baby!
-God! You go, girl!

Does he have any cousins
or brothers?

-So, is that all of them?
-Mmm, no.
Then there was also Eric.

Eric was like the pathetic
fucking married friend.

Married, not married,
married, not married, married.

Comes over to my house.
Gives me this
whole sob story...

About how it's my fault
that all his friends...

-Are abandoning him on
their Sunday brunches.
-Which it was.

Of course, but
I didn't let him know that.

So, what'd you do?

I blew him.

Oh, yeah!
Who's your daddy now?

-He actually tasted good.
-His wife probably
reads cosmo.

Mia, you're a fuckin' pro.

Where do you find these guys?

Ever since I saw them go to
work on those three girls
in the park that day

I knew they were the ones.

I mean,
they had the bloated egos,
the look, the lines.

I mean, the whole nine yards.

-Why are men idiots?
-I figured these guys out
in minutes. They were perfect.

It was so fucking awesome
watching them scramble
in their own game.

Thinking they're
god's gift to women.
They didn't know what hit 'em.

- The point is that it's fun.
- I mean...

Yeah, it's fun.
Guys do it all the time.

You gotta be willing
to face the consequences
if you're gonna scam.

You know?
Everybody fucks everybody
in the end.

You gotta be prepared.
It's the nature of the beast.

Next, please.

I don't know what you got
down here, lady.

It's been clogged all week.

Oh, I think I got
somethin' here.

That's where it is!
Gimme that!

Here comes papa!

Ahhh!

What the hell?

I haven't been able
to come all week,
and that's why.

-What's that smell?
-What?

Never mind.

Look, just put
your pants back on.

I gotta talk
to you guys. Serious.

What now?

I don't care what
the guys say...

Anymore.

You know, they're always
giving me shit about loraine,

and try to cock-block me
at bars.

Cock-block. That's where,
let's say, you're at a bar,

and you're trying to hit
on a woman, and she's
completely buying your shit.

And then one of your
asshole friends comes up
and they're like,

"hey, man, how's the wife?"

That's an instant cock-block.
You cannot talk
your way out of that shit.

Why are you trying
to pick up women at bars
if you're married?

What?

Why are you trying
to pick up women at bars
if you're married?

I mean, come on.

I'm a guy.

♪ so i'm
beginning to wonder why

♪ it escapes me why you lied

♪ about
the change for the worse
that makes your love

♪ so why must I know

♪ if I repeatedly let go

♪ it's the saddest of truths
I don't know

♪ and that's the lowest blow

♪ if I don't know what's right

♪ I cannot know what's wrong

♪ if you try too hard to find
a reason

♪ I'll blame you

♪ I'll blame

♪ you pushed the button
I scream

♪ I toe the line
you're crossing

♪ funny while
you keep on laughing

♪ my top's about to blow

♪ why when my face turns red

♪ you don't remember a thing
you said

♪ you wanna go back
to the good times

♪ and the way things
were instead

♪ if I don't know what's right

♪ I cannot know what's wrong

♪ if you try too hard to find
a reason

♪ I'll blame you

♪ if I don't know what's right

♪ I cannot know what's wrong

♪ if you try too hard to find
a reason

♪ a reason

♪ Every time I play this game

♪ reminds me just how bad
I am at it

♪ when I go to say your name

♪ reminds me just how bad
I am at it

♪ if I don't know what's right

♪ I cannot know what's wrong

♪ if you try too hard to find
a reason

♪ I'll blame you

♪ if I don't know what's right

♪ I cannot know what's wrong

♪ if you try too hard to find
a reason

♪ I'll blame you

♪ I'll blame you