Where Are You Going All Naked? (1969) - full transcript
The strange, amusing story about an employee, his wife and his boss. Funny misunderstandings, flooded rooms and a clumsy dandy thief.
Where are you going all naked?
Don't look at me that way
Don't be so naive. Answer!
Where are you going all naked?
Where are you going all naked?
And don't make those eyes
You know we won't fall for your tricks.
Love
Love
Please don't tell me
these things
So boring
Don't start to make
a conformist out of me
Because it's not up to you
Completely naked you run through
Do you know what you do?
What harm is there to be like me?
But in your head you've lost a screw
To do the crazy things you do
But what will I do?
I just don't know.
Stop what you do!
Don't tell me it's true
Found in the traffic
As naked as when you were born?
Yes! Why not?
What's the harm?
If you want to go,
then why not come out with me?
Why don't you come out with me?
I'm not the crazy one like you
I just don't know what you'll do
But I know, I know, I know!
Completely naked, where'll you go?
If only I could know?
What harm is there to be like me?
But in your head you've lost a screw
To do the crazy things you do
What will I do?
I just don't know.
Stop what you do!
Don't tell me it's true
Found in the traffic
As naked as when you were born?
Yes! Why not? What's the harm?
If you want to come,
why not go out with me?
Why don't you come out with me?
I'm not the crazy one like you
I just don't know what you'll do
But I know, I know, I know.
You see
What harm'll there be
Going walking
Completely naked just like me?
Doctor.
Doctor!
Doctor!
Orestes, the president wants me
to go to the office with him.
Wake me up 11 tomorrow morning.
But it's already tomorrow morning!
He phoned, the President,
he'll be here in 15 minutes exactly.
Damn!
They always wake you while you sleep.
Goodness, how late it is this morning!
Would you translate to my wife?
My dear, you are the boss
and have the right to arrive late.
Hi!
- Who are you?
- Your wife, dear.
But I'm a bachelor.
We met last night at that party,
have you forgotten?
Last night I was in London.
Me to, that's where it happened!
Your head was spinning,
one could say you were drunk.
- I'm a teetotaler.
- Indeed.
I knew it when
you fell in the manhole.
I called the fire fighters who arrived
with their siren. Don't you remember?
Remember,
they pulled you up with a rope.
And then?
And then, once out,
you asked me if I wanted to marry you.
I'm sorry, I drank your coffee.
If you show me where the kitchen is,
I'll make you another.
Don't move!
- Why not?
- The valet's there.
- And the President's on his way.
- Who?
After I'll explain, now clothes.
- Can't you see, I've nothing!
- I can see.
That's why you've to dress.
- But I've no clothes!
- Who knows where they've gone!
- Where did you put them? - Orestes!
Hurry, come here!
Have you seen a woman's dress?
A woman's what?
Don't waste my time!
Have you seen
any women's clothes?
No doing the cleaning
I found only this.
Maybe it's a souvenir of London.
Mind your own business!
- And who is this?
- Ciccino.
A friend gave it to me
who works in skins.
If it grows up
I'll turn it into shoes, or a bag...
- Maybe even a suitcase!
- What are you doing?
- I have a headache.
- So you swallowed my beads?
- I swallowed two pills.
- No, my beads!
I put them in that little box
when they unthreaded.
- Will they harm me?
- I don't know.
I've never eaten any.
Don't move!
President, good morning.
Are you crazy, Luna?
Why did you put the chain on?
The chain?
Wait just a minute,
I'll be right back.
I can't find my glasses!
You, thingy...
What's your name?
Tonino.
Tonino, I'll return tonight.
You mustn't move from here.
I wonder why I put the chain on?
I forgot.
- Have you forgotten that too?
- It's not mine, sir.
I hope so,
and not mine either.
You see, Luna, I don't deny
you a moderate sex life.
Thank you, sir.
- But I demand absolute discretion.
Fair? - More than fair.
I made a pact with you
because a man of my position...
- cannot permit himself...
- A bachelor pad.
A refuge to avoid
the malicious gossip of the people.
- Would you like a cigarette?
- Thank you.
If every time I privately visit
one of my employees...
Although of modest abilities and functions...
My presence in his apartment
cannot arouse suspicion, right?
But what a figure I'll make if
he uses the refuge as a bachelor pad?
Bad, very bad.
Right.
- Look...
- Yes?
Have you ever contemplated
the possibility that...
I could take a wife?
Nonsense,
you know too well that I need a bachelor.
At exactly 11.
Come on, get a move on.
I don't want you to forget...
I said,
I don't want you to forget...
- What I was saying?
- That you didn't want me to forget.
- That I didn't want to forget what?
- I don't know, you didn't say.
Not to forget tonight.
Here.
- What are you doing, Orestes?
- Ah, it's you, Mr. Manfredo!
Did you know the lady
goes around the house completely naked?
You're like that with
the windows open and the lights on?
There's never anyone out front.
- No one?
- No!
Come. Come with me.
Come here.
- Look at that bus. See it?
- Yes.
Look at that guy with
the white wig and dogs.
He was also watching.
A voyeur!
Bugger!
- You also say rude words?
- Voyeur isn't a rude word. Bugger!
- Look, Pauline...
- Tonino!
Tonino, you must tell me one thing.
Why go around naked?
I don't know,
wait while I think.
What's wrong with it?
Adam and Eve walked around naked.
Yes naked,
but before they committed mortal sin.
Then they were covered.
I haven't committed
any mortal sins.
Everyone has committed
a mortal sin.
Orestes, the people in the bus,
the gentleman with the dogs...
My mum and even my dad!
I haven't and then it's not nice
to talk like that about your parents.
With your family's secrets,
you should keep quiet.
It's not about my family,
this is my business.
If they see you naked, You'll end up
in jail for indecent exposure.
It's not nice what you say.
Perhaps not, but it's the penal code.
And I didn't write it.
So, kind or unkind,
please cover yourself up!
But I'm used to being naked.
- I know that. I get it!
- Thank goodness!
Manfredo!
What is it now?
The first time we kissed
a fire engine passed.
- So what?
- When I hear the fire siren...
I want to be possessed.
Oh no,
the fire station's right next door!
Tonino.
Tonino, give me a break.
Listen...
I work in a bank.
A bank, you know?
It's important stuff,
very serious.
For comparison
think of the Vatican.
It's an environment where
certain things are expected.
Things like decorum, respectability...
And nonsense like this...
You have to behave...
How can I put it?
Proper?
Bravo!
You've got it!
Properly, right!
We're agreed.
In marriage the hardest
are the first 20 years.
Then everything works out.
I must warn you, the President
mustn't know of my aunt.
I don't know how you could
hide her for long.
Orestes!
I'm not asking you to hide her for long,
but to let me decide...
When she can no longer be hidden.
You are straining
my professional conscience.
It's he who is paying my salary.
Ah!
Will this be enough to appease
your professional conscience?
For the moment.
- Are you cold?
- I can't understand...
This sudden urge of yours
to go to the movies!
- Must have been the fire siren.
- The fire siren?
When I hear it,
I must go straight to the cinema.
And the station next door!
Come on!
To work, lads.
Let's synchronize the signals.
General hazard?
Perfect, Bond.
Sighting the cops?
Excellent!
That's enough.
Now to open the gate.
The switch.
Shit!
I missed.
Damn, there's something not working.
The viewfinder must have moved.
Shit!
Let's give it another go.
No doubt about it.
Something strange.
Stupidly open.
- Ready, ma'am?
- Yes, dear.
Call me boy.
Not so loud, boy!
Massage has its iron laws.
So many precautions!
But which bolt can stop Rufus?
- Why laugh?
- Why shouldn't I...
I don't see what's so funny
in this scene.
You see he grasps her now
with savage violence...
and rapes her?
- Pardon?
- He rapes her.
Why talk like that?
I've been told it is better to say rape
OK, you can say make love.
Either way there's nothing
to laugh about.
I'm always happy
to see two people making love.
Not here:
It's a dramatic situation, a farewell!
- There is nothing cheerful here.
- Why are you so angry?
It's not a true story, you know?
It's cinema.
I just can't argue with you.
I can't enjoy this any more,
you've managed to upset me.
Why, you enjoyed yourself?
You said it's not a happy thing.
I've had enough,
it's best that we leave.
Much better.
- The loudspeaker, darling.
- I saw it.
They're following us.
Why not stop?
They stopped too.
Try driving off.
- But what do they want?
- Why don't you ask him?
But, I don't understand,
you brought me to the movies.
Huh, maybe that was yesterday.
I can't get out, dear.
Do you want to stay in the car?
You want to make peace.
I understand.
You're right
Now that we're married,
we should try falling in love.
For a husband and wife
it's very important...
Falling in love.
Don't you think?
HORN
Manfredo.
I must be off.
Away, away!
What's the matter?
Why bark?
Why so alarmed?
Are you on edge?
Come on.
We will return.
Rufus... won't give up.
It's nice to kiss
like two lovers here in the car.
It was a wonderful evening.
It's getting late
we'd best go in.
- As you wish.
- And then to bed.
Then to bed.
Perhaps it's a matter of
suspending your hormone treatment.
Nonsense! What about my treatment?
It collapsed by itself.
It'll be full of woodworm.
Where's my watch?
don't translate, dear.
I must have left it at the office.
SPEAKING IN FINNISH
- Don't catch cold, dear.
- Thank you, dear.
Bye, dear.
Still in bed?
Shame on you, damn!
Girlfriend?
Lover?
Whore?
- Want to insinuate that's not a woman?
- It's...
The case interests me, come with me.
A mere acquaintance.
And you want to spend the night in bed
with such an acquaintance with
no other developments?
Yes
Yes
Tell me,
she wouldn't be by any chance...
What?
I don't know what
I'm supposed to think...
In the words of Petronius:
As the servant, so is the master.
Not Orestes' influence.
I wouldn't mind having it off,
what d'you think.
With the girl.
We'll talk calmly.
On my return.
Now get out.
Stop, Antonio.
- Miss, is this your dress?
- Yes, I think so.
Thank you.
Where can I undress?
At my house tonight, after eight.
Huh?
The changing room is there.
Here.
What a mess in here!
And there's not even a mirror!
Ugh!
- Finished the window display?
- Yes.
- Then draw the curtain.
- Right away.
Damn, 20: 8!
Tonino!
- I make this point, and I'll come.
- No...
Damn, you always win.
Manfredo!
Oh no, I'm fed up!
I'm fed up!
I can't take it anymore!
What can I do? I can't go out,
I can't say bad words...
I mustn't play table tennis.
What can I do alone?
You're really quite weird.
I... I... I... I'm the weird one?
I'm in deep trouble
because of you.
This is because I try to convince myself
that you could be a real wife!
Why are you laughing now?
I'm trying cheer myself up,
You're always angry with me.
Tonino.
Tonino, listen.
Stop sniveling.
I want to tell you something.
That evening in London when I married you...
I wasn't in full possession
of my faculties. I was drunk.
- I ended up in the gutter three times.
- No, two!
I'm going back tomorrow.
- Inside the drain?
- No, I'm going back to London!
I want to see a lawyer,
I want to get a divorce.
It won't be difficult
as you're not a normal wife!
Don't cry, Tonino.
You'll make things more difficult
if you do that.
- Right now when we're begining
to fall in love. - So what?
Let me finish.
Try to understand my position.
Understand?
Stop blubbing and think calmly.
- What are you doing?
- Rape me.
- What?
- Rape me.
Only a little raping.
- Manfredo... Manfredo!
- You're crazy!
- Don't get mad!
- I don't feel like it now!
- Just a tiny bit.
- It's just not the time!
I also wrote to my fiancé.
- Who? - To George, my fiancé.
And he's answered!
- You have a fiancé?
- 1 had.
Dear Tonino, since you're married
I'll consider our engagement over.
You married so quickly
that you forgot to warn me.
I give you my best wishes
and am sending you a gift.
The portrait that I painted.
Here it's been reproduced on thousands
of pillows that sell like hot cakes.
That's it, hold it.
No smile, darling. That's it.
Are you the fiancé of Tonino?
Yes
- I'm the husband.
- Poor Tonino!
Must be really crazy.
- Excuse me...
- Please.
In profile.
Can I ask you a question?
I want to know how long it lasted
your engagement to my wife.
Five years.
Mine lasted less,
and so I'd like to know a few things.
I'm sorry but...
My wife...
who is she?
Come here, take cover.
Where shall I take you?
To that lamppost over there, thank you.
It's not far.
You're very kind.
Do you do this area?
Because I've never met you?
Before I was in London.
Now I live there,
but only for a few days.
- And now?
- Now I'm going back.
I'll come with you,
Don't you see how it's raining?
- Do as you like if it's no trouble.
- no, no trouble!
- You're waiting for a taxi?
- No.
- Oh no?
- No!
Hello?
Taxis, there are none.
But if you need,
a massage, a manicure...
No need to be rude!
- Some people!
- But then...
- But then you're a...
- I've never walked the streets
I'm a call girl,
all because of that bitch of a madam!
I was shown the door for
74,000 lira in arrears.
How do I work without a phone?
Please forward Marissa's calls
to No. 503202 c/o Dr. Luna. Thanks.
I've prepared the guest room
as Madame ordered...
But let me say
that Mr. Manfredo will not approve.
- 1 getit, I'm leaving.
- No, no, come here!
I'll help you find the 74,000 lira.
Now I'll call someone
who's always out in front.
Must be a bit shy
and a bit in love with me.
Are you crazy?
That's soliciting!
- Don't be stuffy.
- And if he's a cop?
What do you mean? Come on!
Even they make love.
Hello?
Who? Me?
I have to go where?
Here at my house.
Marisa and I need to talk to you.
Unique, poetic,
unpredictable, exciting!
Since she left,
London has become so provincial!
David, you finish these photos.
Now I'll show you something.
Here is when she climbed naked
to the top of the Tower of London.
Here kissing Bertrand Russell
during the peace march.
And then a few minutes later
when the cops took her away.
Really crazy,
just like Russian roulette.
Did you read that clothes
represent social hypocrisy.
The idea so impressed her that at
the first opportunity she takes them off.
- It's you, Manfredo?
- No.
- It is so to speak.
- Stop soaking me. Inside, hurry!
- Raining and watering the flowers!
- What a nice surprise.
Bringing a call girl into my house?
- Where d'you want the poor thing to go?
- An institute for wayward girls.
- Send your sister.
- He has no sisters.
- I don't want to be re-educated,
I want to work. - You see?
- She wants to work!
- Where? Here in my house?
- Eh!
- We're all crazy!
- I'll give you 20,000 lira.
- What for?
- To pay for a bed.
- She needs 74,000.
- Let's finish this for good!
- But it's for the madam!
I'm very tired.
50, 60...
70.
One, two, three and four!
Now go away!
Good night!
- I told you, he's a banker.
- Bank employee!
Quiet, guys.
Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you?
- Oh, who are you?
- Here I am at home.
- Who are you rather?
- If it's like that, I apologize.
My name is Rufus Conforti...
Or better yet just Rufus.
I'll remove the disturbance.
Come on, guys.
Wait!
l invited him.
It was for Marisa.
To provide her with a client.
- A client?
- Yes, but don't panic.
This was the general idea,
but there was no consummation.
He has no money.
Poor thing, he was so tired!
Always up and down in front.
But that's my bed!
I've grasped perfectly well,
what kind your husband is.
Petty and limited.
One who is covetous of his bed
and ends up croaking in it.
Come my dears,
back to the treadmill.
Goodbye.
The lighter...
Then there are the spoons.
Hello?
No, I've already said.
There's no one here called Marisa!
How dare you give out
my phone number?
- It was your wife's idea.
- If not how would she manage, poor thing?
- Marisa won't accept money if
she doesn't work. - Give her a duster.
She's not a maid. You can't do a job
that's not yours, right?
The domestic union would protest.
Why not be kind enough
to let her solicit?
You can have her, once,
a quickie.
- I'm not jealous.
- What do you mean?
Please Manfredino.
A little raping.
- With that one out there? - Yes.
- Me? - You!
- Be nice.
- Tonino!
Don't you ever do it in this house?
Hello?
Marisa's not here, you idiot!
Luna, are you crazy?
What?
What? Who am I?
I'm the President, understand?
What's this shouting?
Mr. President, how are you?
Round about nine I'll be at yours,
get everything in place.
I don't want to see you.
I arranged it with a hostess.
Green light, is that clear?
Clear out!
Fine, good, understood.
- Tonino?
- Yes, dear?
Let's go for a walk?
Yes
- Clothed.
- Immediately.
Madam, forgive me,
Let me say...
I have a list of missing objects.
3 Victorian teaspoons,
a small bronze attributed to Cellini
And a white gold lighter.
- Bugger!
- Are you saying we've had
thieves in the house. - Yeah!
- Tonino, then what'll I do?
- I've an idea.
Orestes, would you do me the favour
to let yourself be possessed by Marisa?
All paid for, you know?
She won't accept money
without something in return.
It's not about money,
you understand... right?
- Where are you taking me?
- I told you we're going for a spin...
And instead will sleep in a motel.
I too have my little quirks..
- Why did you turn off the light?
- Because it's nicer.
It's like being inside
a Christmas tree.
Manfredo,
why did we come here to sleep?
This door falls continuously.
Listen Manfredo.
I thought I heard...
the fire siren.
Yes.
I seemed to hear it too.
- You want to go to the movies?
- No.
I feel like...
Like what?
The same that you want too.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Love Letters.
Well done, President!
So my visit was not entirely fruitless.
The massage therapists
are asked to fasten their seatbelts.
Hello?
Who do you want? Marisa?
There's no Marisa here.
Yes, you're wrong.
- Orestes! - Yes, Mr. President.
- I'll prepare your bath.
No need, Orestes. No need.
- Orestes!
- Bugger!
- What happened? - It seems someone
left the hose running in the garden.
- So what?
- The apartment is flooded.
It seems that we should
repaint the entire facade?
- And the President?
- A very bad cold.
He's waiting upstairs, Mr. Manfredo.
- Right now?
- Of course.
All the fault of the damp!
Combined with the girl?
Mr. President...
That girl is not what you think.
- She's a good girl.
- But she was in your bed.
She was in my bed,
but not in bed with me.
I mean...
She was in my bed
because the bed interested her.
Nothing else, nothing at all.
A little more?
The day after tomorrow evening I'll give
a dinner at my house, bring her.
- To your home?
- Luna, think this out.
If she's a respectable girl,
she can come to my house, right?
I would say yes.
- If she's a little tart...
- No!
In that case don't bring her to my house,
but the house below.
Choose.
- The one above.
- Where the gathering takes place.
It's important
you must definitely not say to anyone
that you're my wife...
Right?
If the President starts courting you,
try to keep him away.
I understand, I'm your wife.
You're not my wife,
you're not at all my wife!
But if I'm not your wife,
why do I have to say I'm not?
Aah!
Why the scream?
- What is it?
- Ciccino.
- Ciccino?
- He's grown.
The flooding's done him
the world of good.
Poor little lizard!
- Little lizard!
Remember well what I told you.
This place is full of important people.
Good evening!
Good evening, Commander.
The gentleman who is talking...
with the President...
is the Minister of Finance.
Don't look!
I got it, honey.
Not honey...
Money.
It was you who said honey.
I couldn't say I understand, money.
Lunch is served.
- Where are you going?
- To get something to eat.
No way, alright.
You'll sit here
with the leaves in front.
- Don't move, don't do a thing.
- Can I at least breathe?
As little as possible.
I hope you're having fun, my dear.
Yes, yes!
You'll see that we'll become friends.
Friends of who?
Of course.
Thank you.
- A Finnish recipe for pasta.
- There's no accounting for taste.
Do you smell a certain exotic paint.
Madame believes that the cook has
overdone the reindeer cheese.
She suggests we move on
to the beschamel cake.
Thank you.
Do you know what is it?
Manfredo,
I think I know what happened.
It's my fault
if the pasta was painted.
I entered by mistake in their kitchen
through the window.
There were workers
going up and down on the platform.
Why look at me like that,
Why are they staring at me all wide-eyed?
Look!
Did I do something, dear?
I just wanted to keep the jars,
I didn't do it on purpose!
- What's going on?
- Pretend it's nothing.
Excuse me Excellency, I am truly sorry
for what happened tonight.
I assure you there...
Evidently they are people
who have nothing to do with...
Bugger!
Your Excellency, please, believe me!
Let me tell you,
whatever I do he gets angry,
he screams.
"Don't do this, don't say that!"
But where will he find
another wife like me?
I should think so!
He treats me as if I were...
- A little strange?
- Yes, strange!
- Is that okay?
- No, crochet is something else.
Look, you have to move your little finger
otherwise it gets in the way.
Watch:
One down and one up.
You know, lawyer?
At one point
I decided to record all this.
- What's she doing?
- Measuring.
She says that when it grows up,
it'll makes shoes and a handbag.
If I try to drive it out of my bed,
she accuses me of mental cruelty.
Very feminine.
Very feminine, indeed.
Yes, feminine.
Does your wife go around naked?
No.
Bring home a call girl,
flood the apartment...
Say "bugger" to the Minister
and wash the back of the valet?
Stark naked.
The valet of the President,
what's more.
- Look!
- I'm looking.
- Hear the music.
- The radio from across the street?
No, her records, blaring out.
Says that in India they do that.
I think that's enough.
Lawyer, according to you
can I count on this divorce?
What can I say? I'll try.
I'll do what I can.
Isn't he fact that I was drunk
when I got married enough?
I don't think you were that drunk
otherwise they wouldn't have married you.
I'm sorry, are you hurt?
Excuse me.
This is the spool from London
blown up as you said.
Yes?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir... yes, sir...
Look out!
Yes, sir.
- What should I do with it, Doctor?
- Send it to the TV news.
Listen,
I'll come straight to the point.
I have reason to believe that you
have a strong interest in literature.
You hear me, right?
Surely, my friend,
let's say...
that for you,
writing is the spark, right?
For you the post
is no imposition.
You are a graphomaniac.
What do you know about,
about certain...
love letters?
- I never wrote love letters.
- Come on!
Lines filled with sweet nothings,
with filthy phrases.
Don't you remember?
Are you sure?
Are you really sure?
Not even as a boy,
not even to my wife.
Then maybe it's your wife...
Will we discover
that it's really your wife that...
What about my wife?
Nothing, nothing!
It's clear that there's been
a little misunderstanding.
Bond! Modesty!
We're going.
Excuse me.
Sometimes you believe
that two plus two equals four...
And then one realizes
you get the same result...
by adding three plus one.
Regards.
Damned beschamel,
It makes me grind my teeth.
Do you know what is the thing
that has irritated most His Excellency?
His ulcer?
That you have wrapped the girl
in L'Osservatore Romano.
I couldn't find a left-wing newspaper.
Don't be so funny!
Thank you.
My pleasure.
- Where is Dr. Luna?
- Outside, the end of the window.
She strips in front of my guests,
in front of the Minister says says "bugger".
- Did she say or not "bugger"?
- Yes, she said "bugger".
Another unfortunate incident and
I'll deprive myself of your collaboration.
Remember that your position here
is now hanging by a...
a thread, right?
- And this picture?
It's from London, for Dr. Luna.
At his home a lady
told us to bring it here.
The thread snapped.
Could I speak to you for a moment?
You'll be happy, Tonino! It's normal
walking around with your bare bottom.
So don't complain if someone gets...
certain ideas.
I'm not going back to live in the suburbs
and live on cappuccinos. No way!
How many green lights I've waited for
to live in style
and the valet,
turned upside down!
What? It stinks?
Everything stinks!
You got me stuck in this mess
and you'll get me out of it
Sure!
You'll get me out.
Emilio.
Emilio!
- Leave the bottle.
- Doctor...
- Leave the bottle!
- But you only drink cappuccinos!
- What do you care?
- I'm sorry.
Tonino...
I make a promise.
I swear that
if you go to bed with the President...
I swear on my honour
that I'll marry you...
On my dishonour I'll marry you.
I already married you,
but if you go to bed with the President...
I'll swear I'm in love with you.
Emilio! Damn!
Where's my car?
I had a car.
I can't find it anymore.
It was just one of...
I had a career
and can't find it anymore!
More!
No car and no career.
The ultimate novelty from London
The pillow of forbidden dreams
No more lonely nights
with TONY
15,000 lira.
With her ass hanging out.
But what a fine little girl!
Tonino.
My darling!
- Mr. Manfredo, it's Orestes.
- Orestes?
-Yes
- What are you doing up there?
Dusting.
I thought it fell into my usual duties.
- Nude?
- Why not?
Authorized by the lady.
Your wife was right when she said
that the clothes are a sign of...
Of hypocrisy.
Clothes are a form of social hypocrisy!
- See, you knew it too?
- Of course I do!
I've been told it many times.
She's always telling me.
Manfredo, clothes are
a form of social hypocrisy.
Undress, undress!
- How do you feel naked? More attractive?
- More attractive no...
But lighter in a way.
Open sesame!
Tonino.
Tonino!
I'm here!
- I'm here!
- Are you back already?
- Sure, I'm back.
- But you're on vacation?
- Almost definitely.
- My pillows, where d'you find them?
They sell them everywhere.
Thousands of bottoms... how nice!
And thousands of heads!
Where's the head? Here!
- This is attached to the botty of Tonino.
- Not like that, Manfredo!
And now Tonino whole.
All naked!
- 5,000 lira each, 15,000 the set!
- Did you get my picture?
Did you like my picture?
Me a lot,
but the President...
- Did he see it?
- You bet he saw it!
Have you been drinking?
- Only cappuccinos.
- Really?
Like that night in London,
remember?
I don't remember anything else!
Why don't you ask me again?
One more time.
- Sure, but what should I ask?
- To marry me. - A second time?
- Yes, please.
- One more time?
So I'll ask you, one more time.
I thee wed continuously
if you go to bed with the President.
What?
- Sleep with the President.
- Manfredo!
- I mean in bed with the President!
- What are you saying?
If you love me, you have to
go to bed with the President!
Right, Dr. Luna?
Right!
So the President loves me
and allows me to stay here...
On the carpet, with the valet
and not fire mel
Right, Dr. Luna?
Right!
Manfredo, honey!
Darling!
- Tonino...
- Tell me you were joking.
- Tell me!
- I can't find myself anymore.
Where did you put my future?
I had a future, a car...
And now I can't find them anymore!
They're gone and
I can't find them anymore.
Why?
- Why?
- Because you prance around naked.
I told you you had to cover up
and it's ruined my career.
Don't be like that.
Please.
I don't have a career because
the President believes I'm a bachelor...
And I'm not a bachelor.
And then...
Swear you'll go
to bed with the President.
Alright, 1 will.
But now calm down.
- Come on, come on.
- Swear? - I swear! - SWEAR!
Do you speak English? Speak French?
Speak Spanish? Speak German?
Choose a language.
Madame says
you can speak German.
- She'll understand.
- German, certainly.
Don't go.
German turns out to be
the only language in whose domain
in short, I don't know a word.
You said you wanted
to talk with the lady alone.
- Are you sure the lady speaks German?
- Positive.
And where is this security?
- I'm having "a little doubt".
- What?
A little doubt,
a "little" doubt.
I speak perfect English.
The doubt is this.
I think you perform more than
the function of an attentive valet.
That of a no less diligent...
How shall I say
Entremetier, pander, come on!
- And what does that mean?
- Pimp. You're a pimp!
Deep down there is beauty
even in the figure of a pimp.
A classic character
as you well know.
After all they are selfless,
albeit for a fee.
It works like this...
Madame receives letters from a lover
and you translate them into Finnish.
Confess!
Goodbye.
Those letters that I will now show
are in my hand.
What would you say to extort
tens of millions from the adulteress?
Fifty-fifty. Half each.
But those letters are mine!
- Mine! Do you understand?
- How mine? That is, how yours?
They're yours?
It's you?
- These letters are the only thing
I have left of him. - Of her!
Let's reason this out.
Not her, her, but she is someone
who wrote the letters to you.
In more direct terms
let me say...
The letters come from her,
or him or even them.
But no, he... him!
That ingrate Orestes.
- We broke up, you know?
- Relatively.
Orestes is the valet down there,
from the floor below.
Finally.
I think I've grasped the thread.
- What's happened?
- Calm down, it's all right.
Please explain to his wife that oleander
is an ornamental plant, not a vegetable.
She ate half a kilo,
but it came back up immediately.
She must have put too much mustard,
mustard is fatal for its bitter taste.
She committed suicide for love, you know?
Tonino, what happened?
Why did you do it?
I couldn't have, Manfredo.
Not so much for the President,
you know, he's not so bad. But...
I couldn't bring myself to.
I wish I could get you out of the trouble
that I caused you...
But right now I'm going to fall in love with you.
I'm Stupid!
The stupid one is me.
I'm an idiot.
Look. Watch.
What are you doing?
Undressing.
You always say you.
That clothes are a sign
of social hypocrisy.
It's right so I'll take them off.
And even my glasses.
Without them
I see more clearly.
Everything is more beautiful, cleaner.
A little foggy, a little fuzzy...
People say naked as a jaybird.
Instead they should say:
Clothed like a jaybird.
- Why are you laughing?
- Why are jaybirds naked.
That's true,
but they are better than us.
- Where are you going?
- To call the fire department.
It's forbidden.
It's forbidden to call
the fire department.
It's forbidden to call them...
Then you know what I'll do?
Create a reason to call the fire
department. I want to hear the siren!
It's no longer prohibited
if there's a reason, right?
Nol!
Mr. Manfredo!
-Yes
- Can I come in?
Sure, Orestes.
- What is it?
- I can't find Ciccino.
- Are you crazy?
- The door was open, must have escaped.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself
dressed as a jaybird?
- Take off your clothes.
- But why?
Clothes off and call the fire department
as I'm flooding the house.
Who is it Orestes?
Excuse me, I'd like
a word with your maid.
Sit down, monsieur Rufus.
Orestes, call the fire department!
A sudden heat wave?
- You want to talk with who?
- Oh, no!
I've just concluded a confusing
pronominal dispute with your colleague.
Not with God knows who,
but with you I must talk.
- What the hell is going on here?
- Fire?
Hello?
Good evening, lawyer.
No, Dr. Luna has gone.
Tell him the little film he sent me
is no good.
What do I do with a documentary on
the opening of an agency in London?
Mr. Manfredo...
Sorry but,
the President phoned.
- He wants me to turn off the taps?
- No, he says to turn on the TV.
Turn on the TV
Ah!
took place in the presence of
the authorities of the financial world.
Among others, were present
Italian and English ministers
And diplomatic missions
accredited to the two governments.
Professor Hudhouse of the
Oxford International Economics Institute
Television programs have reached
a considerable degree of freedom.
increasing integration of
the European financial markets
What I can not grasp
is the spoken commentary.
Transmission interrupted
due to a technical error
I'm a star on the TV!
Yes?
- It's Dr. Bargellino from the television.
- Tell him we're flooded.
We're flooded.
- He says they're flooded too.
- Tell him to call the fire department.
He says they're flooded by a sea
of protests and he'll call the police.
- Then tell him to go to hell.
- Says to go...
He's already rung off.
In this house everything
is extremely fake.
The Queen Victoria teaspoons
are of nickel silver.
The cigarette lighter is gold plated.
Cellini's bronze is the product
of an Abruzzo craftsman.
Don't interrupt me!
As for you...
I say that as a man you're a facsimile
and also quite a poor one.
The only real thing in this house
is this collection of well-known...
compromising letters.
The price of this collection
is set at 100,000 lire.
But I'm poor,
that one took everything.
Not again!
Here comes the President.
Luna, you're a lunatic!
I'll ruin you, destroy you!
Mr. President, I don't care
because I decided to undress too.
I've decided to
give you back your refuge...
As you call it
with your infinite hypocrisy...
And to the Minister who doesn't know
certain things, I might say bad words too.
- That's my lizard.
- It cost me a hard hunt!
- My wife fainted after seeing it.
- May 1? - Good evening.
I see you're washing the floor.
I came to bring that money.
To a banker like me?
For heaven's sake!
- The other time you were a bank employee.
- It's the same thing.
- Mr. President.
- Please.
Would consent to a pairing
here with this young lady Marisa?
All paid.
80,000, 70,000, 60,000,
50,000, 40,000, 10,000 lira?
What a cheapskate!
Here, take the letters!
- Don't think that's the fire department.
- What's that? - Bond! Modesty!
Control yourself!
Camouflage!
- Silence!
- They bite?
Acts of sabotage,
public nuisance.
broadcast of an obscene spectacle,
keeping animals without a licence...
Receiving stolen property, homosexuality
incitement to prostitution,
- soliciting and blackmail.
- He's losing his chance of promotion.
Can I make a wish?
Ask the man who operates the siren
to make like a fire engine.
Turn on the siren, Furlan!
A new kind of aphrodisiac
I see.
Bugger!
Don't start to make
a conformist out of me...
Because it's not up to you.
Completely naked you run through?
Do you know what you do?
What harm is there to be like me?
But in your head you've lost a screw
To do the crazy things you do?
But what will I do?
I just don't know.
Stop what you do!
Don't tell me it's true
Found in the traffic
As naked as when you were born?
Yes! Why not?
What's the harm?
If you want to go,
then why not come out with me?
Why don't you come out with me?
I'm not the crazy one like you
I just don't know what you'll do
But I know, I know, I know!
Where are you going all naked?
And don't make those eyes
You know we won't fall for your tricks.
Where are you going all naked?
And don't make those eyes
You know we won't fall for your tricks.
Subtitles: Corvusalbus
Don't look at me that way
Don't be so naive. Answer!
Where are you going all naked?
Where are you going all naked?
And don't make those eyes
You know we won't fall for your tricks.
Love
Love
Please don't tell me
these things
So boring
Don't start to make
a conformist out of me
Because it's not up to you
Completely naked you run through
Do you know what you do?
What harm is there to be like me?
But in your head you've lost a screw
To do the crazy things you do
But what will I do?
I just don't know.
Stop what you do!
Don't tell me it's true
Found in the traffic
As naked as when you were born?
Yes! Why not?
What's the harm?
If you want to go,
then why not come out with me?
Why don't you come out with me?
I'm not the crazy one like you
I just don't know what you'll do
But I know, I know, I know!
Completely naked, where'll you go?
If only I could know?
What harm is there to be like me?
But in your head you've lost a screw
To do the crazy things you do
What will I do?
I just don't know.
Stop what you do!
Don't tell me it's true
Found in the traffic
As naked as when you were born?
Yes! Why not? What's the harm?
If you want to come,
why not go out with me?
Why don't you come out with me?
I'm not the crazy one like you
I just don't know what you'll do
But I know, I know, I know.
You see
What harm'll there be
Going walking
Completely naked just like me?
Doctor.
Doctor!
Doctor!
Orestes, the president wants me
to go to the office with him.
Wake me up 11 tomorrow morning.
But it's already tomorrow morning!
He phoned, the President,
he'll be here in 15 minutes exactly.
Damn!
They always wake you while you sleep.
Goodness, how late it is this morning!
Would you translate to my wife?
My dear, you are the boss
and have the right to arrive late.
Hi!
- Who are you?
- Your wife, dear.
But I'm a bachelor.
We met last night at that party,
have you forgotten?
Last night I was in London.
Me to, that's where it happened!
Your head was spinning,
one could say you were drunk.
- I'm a teetotaler.
- Indeed.
I knew it when
you fell in the manhole.
I called the fire fighters who arrived
with their siren. Don't you remember?
Remember,
they pulled you up with a rope.
And then?
And then, once out,
you asked me if I wanted to marry you.
I'm sorry, I drank your coffee.
If you show me where the kitchen is,
I'll make you another.
Don't move!
- Why not?
- The valet's there.
- And the President's on his way.
- Who?
After I'll explain, now clothes.
- Can't you see, I've nothing!
- I can see.
That's why you've to dress.
- But I've no clothes!
- Who knows where they've gone!
- Where did you put them? - Orestes!
Hurry, come here!
Have you seen a woman's dress?
A woman's what?
Don't waste my time!
Have you seen
any women's clothes?
No doing the cleaning
I found only this.
Maybe it's a souvenir of London.
Mind your own business!
- And who is this?
- Ciccino.
A friend gave it to me
who works in skins.
If it grows up
I'll turn it into shoes, or a bag...
- Maybe even a suitcase!
- What are you doing?
- I have a headache.
- So you swallowed my beads?
- I swallowed two pills.
- No, my beads!
I put them in that little box
when they unthreaded.
- Will they harm me?
- I don't know.
I've never eaten any.
Don't move!
President, good morning.
Are you crazy, Luna?
Why did you put the chain on?
The chain?
Wait just a minute,
I'll be right back.
I can't find my glasses!
You, thingy...
What's your name?
Tonino.
Tonino, I'll return tonight.
You mustn't move from here.
I wonder why I put the chain on?
I forgot.
- Have you forgotten that too?
- It's not mine, sir.
I hope so,
and not mine either.
You see, Luna, I don't deny
you a moderate sex life.
Thank you, sir.
- But I demand absolute discretion.
Fair? - More than fair.
I made a pact with you
because a man of my position...
- cannot permit himself...
- A bachelor pad.
A refuge to avoid
the malicious gossip of the people.
- Would you like a cigarette?
- Thank you.
If every time I privately visit
one of my employees...
Although of modest abilities and functions...
My presence in his apartment
cannot arouse suspicion, right?
But what a figure I'll make if
he uses the refuge as a bachelor pad?
Bad, very bad.
Right.
- Look...
- Yes?
Have you ever contemplated
the possibility that...
I could take a wife?
Nonsense,
you know too well that I need a bachelor.
At exactly 11.
Come on, get a move on.
I don't want you to forget...
I said,
I don't want you to forget...
- What I was saying?
- That you didn't want me to forget.
- That I didn't want to forget what?
- I don't know, you didn't say.
Not to forget tonight.
Here.
- What are you doing, Orestes?
- Ah, it's you, Mr. Manfredo!
Did you know the lady
goes around the house completely naked?
You're like that with
the windows open and the lights on?
There's never anyone out front.
- No one?
- No!
Come. Come with me.
Come here.
- Look at that bus. See it?
- Yes.
Look at that guy with
the white wig and dogs.
He was also watching.
A voyeur!
Bugger!
- You also say rude words?
- Voyeur isn't a rude word. Bugger!
- Look, Pauline...
- Tonino!
Tonino, you must tell me one thing.
Why go around naked?
I don't know,
wait while I think.
What's wrong with it?
Adam and Eve walked around naked.
Yes naked,
but before they committed mortal sin.
Then they were covered.
I haven't committed
any mortal sins.
Everyone has committed
a mortal sin.
Orestes, the people in the bus,
the gentleman with the dogs...
My mum and even my dad!
I haven't and then it's not nice
to talk like that about your parents.
With your family's secrets,
you should keep quiet.
It's not about my family,
this is my business.
If they see you naked, You'll end up
in jail for indecent exposure.
It's not nice what you say.
Perhaps not, but it's the penal code.
And I didn't write it.
So, kind or unkind,
please cover yourself up!
But I'm used to being naked.
- I know that. I get it!
- Thank goodness!
Manfredo!
What is it now?
The first time we kissed
a fire engine passed.
- So what?
- When I hear the fire siren...
I want to be possessed.
Oh no,
the fire station's right next door!
Tonino.
Tonino, give me a break.
Listen...
I work in a bank.
A bank, you know?
It's important stuff,
very serious.
For comparison
think of the Vatican.
It's an environment where
certain things are expected.
Things like decorum, respectability...
And nonsense like this...
You have to behave...
How can I put it?
Proper?
Bravo!
You've got it!
Properly, right!
We're agreed.
In marriage the hardest
are the first 20 years.
Then everything works out.
I must warn you, the President
mustn't know of my aunt.
I don't know how you could
hide her for long.
Orestes!
I'm not asking you to hide her for long,
but to let me decide...
When she can no longer be hidden.
You are straining
my professional conscience.
It's he who is paying my salary.
Ah!
Will this be enough to appease
your professional conscience?
For the moment.
- Are you cold?
- I can't understand...
This sudden urge of yours
to go to the movies!
- Must have been the fire siren.
- The fire siren?
When I hear it,
I must go straight to the cinema.
And the station next door!
Come on!
To work, lads.
Let's synchronize the signals.
General hazard?
Perfect, Bond.
Sighting the cops?
Excellent!
That's enough.
Now to open the gate.
The switch.
Shit!
I missed.
Damn, there's something not working.
The viewfinder must have moved.
Shit!
Let's give it another go.
No doubt about it.
Something strange.
Stupidly open.
- Ready, ma'am?
- Yes, dear.
Call me boy.
Not so loud, boy!
Massage has its iron laws.
So many precautions!
But which bolt can stop Rufus?
- Why laugh?
- Why shouldn't I...
I don't see what's so funny
in this scene.
You see he grasps her now
with savage violence...
and rapes her?
- Pardon?
- He rapes her.
Why talk like that?
I've been told it is better to say rape
OK, you can say make love.
Either way there's nothing
to laugh about.
I'm always happy
to see two people making love.
Not here:
It's a dramatic situation, a farewell!
- There is nothing cheerful here.
- Why are you so angry?
It's not a true story, you know?
It's cinema.
I just can't argue with you.
I can't enjoy this any more,
you've managed to upset me.
Why, you enjoyed yourself?
You said it's not a happy thing.
I've had enough,
it's best that we leave.
Much better.
- The loudspeaker, darling.
- I saw it.
They're following us.
Why not stop?
They stopped too.
Try driving off.
- But what do they want?
- Why don't you ask him?
But, I don't understand,
you brought me to the movies.
Huh, maybe that was yesterday.
I can't get out, dear.
Do you want to stay in the car?
You want to make peace.
I understand.
You're right
Now that we're married,
we should try falling in love.
For a husband and wife
it's very important...
Falling in love.
Don't you think?
HORN
Manfredo.
I must be off.
Away, away!
What's the matter?
Why bark?
Why so alarmed?
Are you on edge?
Come on.
We will return.
Rufus... won't give up.
It's nice to kiss
like two lovers here in the car.
It was a wonderful evening.
It's getting late
we'd best go in.
- As you wish.
- And then to bed.
Then to bed.
Perhaps it's a matter of
suspending your hormone treatment.
Nonsense! What about my treatment?
It collapsed by itself.
It'll be full of woodworm.
Where's my watch?
don't translate, dear.
I must have left it at the office.
SPEAKING IN FINNISH
- Don't catch cold, dear.
- Thank you, dear.
Bye, dear.
Still in bed?
Shame on you, damn!
Girlfriend?
Lover?
Whore?
- Want to insinuate that's not a woman?
- It's...
The case interests me, come with me.
A mere acquaintance.
And you want to spend the night in bed
with such an acquaintance with
no other developments?
Yes
Yes
Tell me,
she wouldn't be by any chance...
What?
I don't know what
I'm supposed to think...
In the words of Petronius:
As the servant, so is the master.
Not Orestes' influence.
I wouldn't mind having it off,
what d'you think.
With the girl.
We'll talk calmly.
On my return.
Now get out.
Stop, Antonio.
- Miss, is this your dress?
- Yes, I think so.
Thank you.
Where can I undress?
At my house tonight, after eight.
Huh?
The changing room is there.
Here.
What a mess in here!
And there's not even a mirror!
Ugh!
- Finished the window display?
- Yes.
- Then draw the curtain.
- Right away.
Damn, 20: 8!
Tonino!
- I make this point, and I'll come.
- No...
Damn, you always win.
Manfredo!
Oh no, I'm fed up!
I'm fed up!
I can't take it anymore!
What can I do? I can't go out,
I can't say bad words...
I mustn't play table tennis.
What can I do alone?
You're really quite weird.
I... I... I... I'm the weird one?
I'm in deep trouble
because of you.
This is because I try to convince myself
that you could be a real wife!
Why are you laughing now?
I'm trying cheer myself up,
You're always angry with me.
Tonino.
Tonino, listen.
Stop sniveling.
I want to tell you something.
That evening in London when I married you...
I wasn't in full possession
of my faculties. I was drunk.
- I ended up in the gutter three times.
- No, two!
I'm going back tomorrow.
- Inside the drain?
- No, I'm going back to London!
I want to see a lawyer,
I want to get a divorce.
It won't be difficult
as you're not a normal wife!
Don't cry, Tonino.
You'll make things more difficult
if you do that.
- Right now when we're begining
to fall in love. - So what?
Let me finish.
Try to understand my position.
Understand?
Stop blubbing and think calmly.
- What are you doing?
- Rape me.
- What?
- Rape me.
Only a little raping.
- Manfredo... Manfredo!
- You're crazy!
- Don't get mad!
- I don't feel like it now!
- Just a tiny bit.
- It's just not the time!
I also wrote to my fiancé.
- Who? - To George, my fiancé.
And he's answered!
- You have a fiancé?
- 1 had.
Dear Tonino, since you're married
I'll consider our engagement over.
You married so quickly
that you forgot to warn me.
I give you my best wishes
and am sending you a gift.
The portrait that I painted.
Here it's been reproduced on thousands
of pillows that sell like hot cakes.
That's it, hold it.
No smile, darling. That's it.
Are you the fiancé of Tonino?
Yes
- I'm the husband.
- Poor Tonino!
Must be really crazy.
- Excuse me...
- Please.
In profile.
Can I ask you a question?
I want to know how long it lasted
your engagement to my wife.
Five years.
Mine lasted less,
and so I'd like to know a few things.
I'm sorry but...
My wife...
who is she?
Come here, take cover.
Where shall I take you?
To that lamppost over there, thank you.
It's not far.
You're very kind.
Do you do this area?
Because I've never met you?
Before I was in London.
Now I live there,
but only for a few days.
- And now?
- Now I'm going back.
I'll come with you,
Don't you see how it's raining?
- Do as you like if it's no trouble.
- no, no trouble!
- You're waiting for a taxi?
- No.
- Oh no?
- No!
Hello?
Taxis, there are none.
But if you need,
a massage, a manicure...
No need to be rude!
- Some people!
- But then...
- But then you're a...
- I've never walked the streets
I'm a call girl,
all because of that bitch of a madam!
I was shown the door for
74,000 lira in arrears.
How do I work without a phone?
Please forward Marissa's calls
to No. 503202 c/o Dr. Luna. Thanks.
I've prepared the guest room
as Madame ordered...
But let me say
that Mr. Manfredo will not approve.
- 1 getit, I'm leaving.
- No, no, come here!
I'll help you find the 74,000 lira.
Now I'll call someone
who's always out in front.
Must be a bit shy
and a bit in love with me.
Are you crazy?
That's soliciting!
- Don't be stuffy.
- And if he's a cop?
What do you mean? Come on!
Even they make love.
Hello?
Who? Me?
I have to go where?
Here at my house.
Marisa and I need to talk to you.
Unique, poetic,
unpredictable, exciting!
Since she left,
London has become so provincial!
David, you finish these photos.
Now I'll show you something.
Here is when she climbed naked
to the top of the Tower of London.
Here kissing Bertrand Russell
during the peace march.
And then a few minutes later
when the cops took her away.
Really crazy,
just like Russian roulette.
Did you read that clothes
represent social hypocrisy.
The idea so impressed her that at
the first opportunity she takes them off.
- It's you, Manfredo?
- No.
- It is so to speak.
- Stop soaking me. Inside, hurry!
- Raining and watering the flowers!
- What a nice surprise.
Bringing a call girl into my house?
- Where d'you want the poor thing to go?
- An institute for wayward girls.
- Send your sister.
- He has no sisters.
- I don't want to be re-educated,
I want to work. - You see?
- She wants to work!
- Where? Here in my house?
- Eh!
- We're all crazy!
- I'll give you 20,000 lira.
- What for?
- To pay for a bed.
- She needs 74,000.
- Let's finish this for good!
- But it's for the madam!
I'm very tired.
50, 60...
70.
One, two, three and four!
Now go away!
Good night!
- I told you, he's a banker.
- Bank employee!
Quiet, guys.
Who are you?
Who are you?
Who are you?
- Oh, who are you?
- Here I am at home.
- Who are you rather?
- If it's like that, I apologize.
My name is Rufus Conforti...
Or better yet just Rufus.
I'll remove the disturbance.
Come on, guys.
Wait!
l invited him.
It was for Marisa.
To provide her with a client.
- A client?
- Yes, but don't panic.
This was the general idea,
but there was no consummation.
He has no money.
Poor thing, he was so tired!
Always up and down in front.
But that's my bed!
I've grasped perfectly well,
what kind your husband is.
Petty and limited.
One who is covetous of his bed
and ends up croaking in it.
Come my dears,
back to the treadmill.
Goodbye.
The lighter...
Then there are the spoons.
Hello?
No, I've already said.
There's no one here called Marisa!
How dare you give out
my phone number?
- It was your wife's idea.
- If not how would she manage, poor thing?
- Marisa won't accept money if
she doesn't work. - Give her a duster.
She's not a maid. You can't do a job
that's not yours, right?
The domestic union would protest.
Why not be kind enough
to let her solicit?
You can have her, once,
a quickie.
- I'm not jealous.
- What do you mean?
Please Manfredino.
A little raping.
- With that one out there? - Yes.
- Me? - You!
- Be nice.
- Tonino!
Don't you ever do it in this house?
Hello?
Marisa's not here, you idiot!
Luna, are you crazy?
What?
What? Who am I?
I'm the President, understand?
What's this shouting?
Mr. President, how are you?
Round about nine I'll be at yours,
get everything in place.
I don't want to see you.
I arranged it with a hostess.
Green light, is that clear?
Clear out!
Fine, good, understood.
- Tonino?
- Yes, dear?
Let's go for a walk?
Yes
- Clothed.
- Immediately.
Madam, forgive me,
Let me say...
I have a list of missing objects.
3 Victorian teaspoons,
a small bronze attributed to Cellini
And a white gold lighter.
- Bugger!
- Are you saying we've had
thieves in the house. - Yeah!
- Tonino, then what'll I do?
- I've an idea.
Orestes, would you do me the favour
to let yourself be possessed by Marisa?
All paid for, you know?
She won't accept money
without something in return.
It's not about money,
you understand... right?
- Where are you taking me?
- I told you we're going for a spin...
And instead will sleep in a motel.
I too have my little quirks..
- Why did you turn off the light?
- Because it's nicer.
It's like being inside
a Christmas tree.
Manfredo,
why did we come here to sleep?
This door falls continuously.
Listen Manfredo.
I thought I heard...
the fire siren.
Yes.
I seemed to hear it too.
- You want to go to the movies?
- No.
I feel like...
Like what?
The same that you want too.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
Love Letters.
Well done, President!
So my visit was not entirely fruitless.
The massage therapists
are asked to fasten their seatbelts.
Hello?
Who do you want? Marisa?
There's no Marisa here.
Yes, you're wrong.
- Orestes! - Yes, Mr. President.
- I'll prepare your bath.
No need, Orestes. No need.
- Orestes!
- Bugger!
- What happened? - It seems someone
left the hose running in the garden.
- So what?
- The apartment is flooded.
It seems that we should
repaint the entire facade?
- And the President?
- A very bad cold.
He's waiting upstairs, Mr. Manfredo.
- Right now?
- Of course.
All the fault of the damp!
Combined with the girl?
Mr. President...
That girl is not what you think.
- She's a good girl.
- But she was in your bed.
She was in my bed,
but not in bed with me.
I mean...
She was in my bed
because the bed interested her.
Nothing else, nothing at all.
A little more?
The day after tomorrow evening I'll give
a dinner at my house, bring her.
- To your home?
- Luna, think this out.
If she's a respectable girl,
she can come to my house, right?
I would say yes.
- If she's a little tart...
- No!
In that case don't bring her to my house,
but the house below.
Choose.
- The one above.
- Where the gathering takes place.
It's important
you must definitely not say to anyone
that you're my wife...
Right?
If the President starts courting you,
try to keep him away.
I understand, I'm your wife.
You're not my wife,
you're not at all my wife!
But if I'm not your wife,
why do I have to say I'm not?
Aah!
Why the scream?
- What is it?
- Ciccino.
- Ciccino?
- He's grown.
The flooding's done him
the world of good.
Poor little lizard!
- Little lizard!
Remember well what I told you.
This place is full of important people.
Good evening!
Good evening, Commander.
The gentleman who is talking...
with the President...
is the Minister of Finance.
Don't look!
I got it, honey.
Not honey...
Money.
It was you who said honey.
I couldn't say I understand, money.
Lunch is served.
- Where are you going?
- To get something to eat.
No way, alright.
You'll sit here
with the leaves in front.
- Don't move, don't do a thing.
- Can I at least breathe?
As little as possible.
I hope you're having fun, my dear.
Yes, yes!
You'll see that we'll become friends.
Friends of who?
Of course.
Thank you.
- A Finnish recipe for pasta.
- There's no accounting for taste.
Do you smell a certain exotic paint.
Madame believes that the cook has
overdone the reindeer cheese.
She suggests we move on
to the beschamel cake.
Thank you.
Do you know what is it?
Manfredo,
I think I know what happened.
It's my fault
if the pasta was painted.
I entered by mistake in their kitchen
through the window.
There were workers
going up and down on the platform.
Why look at me like that,
Why are they staring at me all wide-eyed?
Look!
Did I do something, dear?
I just wanted to keep the jars,
I didn't do it on purpose!
- What's going on?
- Pretend it's nothing.
Excuse me Excellency, I am truly sorry
for what happened tonight.
I assure you there...
Evidently they are people
who have nothing to do with...
Bugger!
Your Excellency, please, believe me!
Let me tell you,
whatever I do he gets angry,
he screams.
"Don't do this, don't say that!"
But where will he find
another wife like me?
I should think so!
He treats me as if I were...
- A little strange?
- Yes, strange!
- Is that okay?
- No, crochet is something else.
Look, you have to move your little finger
otherwise it gets in the way.
Watch:
One down and one up.
You know, lawyer?
At one point
I decided to record all this.
- What's she doing?
- Measuring.
She says that when it grows up,
it'll makes shoes and a handbag.
If I try to drive it out of my bed,
she accuses me of mental cruelty.
Very feminine.
Very feminine, indeed.
Yes, feminine.
Does your wife go around naked?
No.
Bring home a call girl,
flood the apartment...
Say "bugger" to the Minister
and wash the back of the valet?
Stark naked.
The valet of the President,
what's more.
- Look!
- I'm looking.
- Hear the music.
- The radio from across the street?
No, her records, blaring out.
Says that in India they do that.
I think that's enough.
Lawyer, according to you
can I count on this divorce?
What can I say? I'll try.
I'll do what I can.
Isn't he fact that I was drunk
when I got married enough?
I don't think you were that drunk
otherwise they wouldn't have married you.
I'm sorry, are you hurt?
Excuse me.
This is the spool from London
blown up as you said.
Yes?
Yes, sir.
Yes, sir... yes, sir...
Look out!
Yes, sir.
- What should I do with it, Doctor?
- Send it to the TV news.
Listen,
I'll come straight to the point.
I have reason to believe that you
have a strong interest in literature.
You hear me, right?
Surely, my friend,
let's say...
that for you,
writing is the spark, right?
For you the post
is no imposition.
You are a graphomaniac.
What do you know about,
about certain...
love letters?
- I never wrote love letters.
- Come on!
Lines filled with sweet nothings,
with filthy phrases.
Don't you remember?
Are you sure?
Are you really sure?
Not even as a boy,
not even to my wife.
Then maybe it's your wife...
Will we discover
that it's really your wife that...
What about my wife?
Nothing, nothing!
It's clear that there's been
a little misunderstanding.
Bond! Modesty!
We're going.
Excuse me.
Sometimes you believe
that two plus two equals four...
And then one realizes
you get the same result...
by adding three plus one.
Regards.
Damned beschamel,
It makes me grind my teeth.
Do you know what is the thing
that has irritated most His Excellency?
His ulcer?
That you have wrapped the girl
in L'Osservatore Romano.
I couldn't find a left-wing newspaper.
Don't be so funny!
Thank you.
My pleasure.
- Where is Dr. Luna?
- Outside, the end of the window.
She strips in front of my guests,
in front of the Minister says says "bugger".
- Did she say or not "bugger"?
- Yes, she said "bugger".
Another unfortunate incident and
I'll deprive myself of your collaboration.
Remember that your position here
is now hanging by a...
a thread, right?
- And this picture?
It's from London, for Dr. Luna.
At his home a lady
told us to bring it here.
The thread snapped.
Could I speak to you for a moment?
You'll be happy, Tonino! It's normal
walking around with your bare bottom.
So don't complain if someone gets...
certain ideas.
I'm not going back to live in the suburbs
and live on cappuccinos. No way!
How many green lights I've waited for
to live in style
and the valet,
turned upside down!
What? It stinks?
Everything stinks!
You got me stuck in this mess
and you'll get me out of it
Sure!
You'll get me out.
Emilio.
Emilio!
- Leave the bottle.
- Doctor...
- Leave the bottle!
- But you only drink cappuccinos!
- What do you care?
- I'm sorry.
Tonino...
I make a promise.
I swear that
if you go to bed with the President...
I swear on my honour
that I'll marry you...
On my dishonour I'll marry you.
I already married you,
but if you go to bed with the President...
I'll swear I'm in love with you.
Emilio! Damn!
Where's my car?
I had a car.
I can't find it anymore.
It was just one of...
I had a career
and can't find it anymore!
More!
No car and no career.
The ultimate novelty from London
The pillow of forbidden dreams
No more lonely nights
with TONY
15,000 lira.
With her ass hanging out.
But what a fine little girl!
Tonino.
My darling!
- Mr. Manfredo, it's Orestes.
- Orestes?
-Yes
- What are you doing up there?
Dusting.
I thought it fell into my usual duties.
- Nude?
- Why not?
Authorized by the lady.
Your wife was right when she said
that the clothes are a sign of...
Of hypocrisy.
Clothes are a form of social hypocrisy!
- See, you knew it too?
- Of course I do!
I've been told it many times.
She's always telling me.
Manfredo, clothes are
a form of social hypocrisy.
Undress, undress!
- How do you feel naked? More attractive?
- More attractive no...
But lighter in a way.
Open sesame!
Tonino.
Tonino!
I'm here!
- I'm here!
- Are you back already?
- Sure, I'm back.
- But you're on vacation?
- Almost definitely.
- My pillows, where d'you find them?
They sell them everywhere.
Thousands of bottoms... how nice!
And thousands of heads!
Where's the head? Here!
- This is attached to the botty of Tonino.
- Not like that, Manfredo!
And now Tonino whole.
All naked!
- 5,000 lira each, 15,000 the set!
- Did you get my picture?
Did you like my picture?
Me a lot,
but the President...
- Did he see it?
- You bet he saw it!
Have you been drinking?
- Only cappuccinos.
- Really?
Like that night in London,
remember?
I don't remember anything else!
Why don't you ask me again?
One more time.
- Sure, but what should I ask?
- To marry me. - A second time?
- Yes, please.
- One more time?
So I'll ask you, one more time.
I thee wed continuously
if you go to bed with the President.
What?
- Sleep with the President.
- Manfredo!
- I mean in bed with the President!
- What are you saying?
If you love me, you have to
go to bed with the President!
Right, Dr. Luna?
Right!
So the President loves me
and allows me to stay here...
On the carpet, with the valet
and not fire mel
Right, Dr. Luna?
Right!
Manfredo, honey!
Darling!
- Tonino...
- Tell me you were joking.
- Tell me!
- I can't find myself anymore.
Where did you put my future?
I had a future, a car...
And now I can't find them anymore!
They're gone and
I can't find them anymore.
Why?
- Why?
- Because you prance around naked.
I told you you had to cover up
and it's ruined my career.
Don't be like that.
Please.
I don't have a career because
the President believes I'm a bachelor...
And I'm not a bachelor.
And then...
Swear you'll go
to bed with the President.
Alright, 1 will.
But now calm down.
- Come on, come on.
- Swear? - I swear! - SWEAR!
Do you speak English? Speak French?
Speak Spanish? Speak German?
Choose a language.
Madame says
you can speak German.
- She'll understand.
- German, certainly.
Don't go.
German turns out to be
the only language in whose domain
in short, I don't know a word.
You said you wanted
to talk with the lady alone.
- Are you sure the lady speaks German?
- Positive.
And where is this security?
- I'm having "a little doubt".
- What?
A little doubt,
a "little" doubt.
I speak perfect English.
The doubt is this.
I think you perform more than
the function of an attentive valet.
That of a no less diligent...
How shall I say
Entremetier, pander, come on!
- And what does that mean?
- Pimp. You're a pimp!
Deep down there is beauty
even in the figure of a pimp.
A classic character
as you well know.
After all they are selfless,
albeit for a fee.
It works like this...
Madame receives letters from a lover
and you translate them into Finnish.
Confess!
Goodbye.
Those letters that I will now show
are in my hand.
What would you say to extort
tens of millions from the adulteress?
Fifty-fifty. Half each.
But those letters are mine!
- Mine! Do you understand?
- How mine? That is, how yours?
They're yours?
It's you?
- These letters are the only thing
I have left of him. - Of her!
Let's reason this out.
Not her, her, but she is someone
who wrote the letters to you.
In more direct terms
let me say...
The letters come from her,
or him or even them.
But no, he... him!
That ingrate Orestes.
- We broke up, you know?
- Relatively.
Orestes is the valet down there,
from the floor below.
Finally.
I think I've grasped the thread.
- What's happened?
- Calm down, it's all right.
Please explain to his wife that oleander
is an ornamental plant, not a vegetable.
She ate half a kilo,
but it came back up immediately.
She must have put too much mustard,
mustard is fatal for its bitter taste.
She committed suicide for love, you know?
Tonino, what happened?
Why did you do it?
I couldn't have, Manfredo.
Not so much for the President,
you know, he's not so bad. But...
I couldn't bring myself to.
I wish I could get you out of the trouble
that I caused you...
But right now I'm going to fall in love with you.
I'm Stupid!
The stupid one is me.
I'm an idiot.
Look. Watch.
What are you doing?
Undressing.
You always say you.
That clothes are a sign
of social hypocrisy.
It's right so I'll take them off.
And even my glasses.
Without them
I see more clearly.
Everything is more beautiful, cleaner.
A little foggy, a little fuzzy...
People say naked as a jaybird.
Instead they should say:
Clothed like a jaybird.
- Why are you laughing?
- Why are jaybirds naked.
That's true,
but they are better than us.
- Where are you going?
- To call the fire department.
It's forbidden.
It's forbidden to call
the fire department.
It's forbidden to call them...
Then you know what I'll do?
Create a reason to call the fire
department. I want to hear the siren!
It's no longer prohibited
if there's a reason, right?
Nol!
Mr. Manfredo!
-Yes
- Can I come in?
Sure, Orestes.
- What is it?
- I can't find Ciccino.
- Are you crazy?
- The door was open, must have escaped.
Aren't you ashamed of yourself
dressed as a jaybird?
- Take off your clothes.
- But why?
Clothes off and call the fire department
as I'm flooding the house.
Who is it Orestes?
Excuse me, I'd like
a word with your maid.
Sit down, monsieur Rufus.
Orestes, call the fire department!
A sudden heat wave?
- You want to talk with who?
- Oh, no!
I've just concluded a confusing
pronominal dispute with your colleague.
Not with God knows who,
but with you I must talk.
- What the hell is going on here?
- Fire?
Hello?
Good evening, lawyer.
No, Dr. Luna has gone.
Tell him the little film he sent me
is no good.
What do I do with a documentary on
the opening of an agency in London?
Mr. Manfredo...
Sorry but,
the President phoned.
- He wants me to turn off the taps?
- No, he says to turn on the TV.
Turn on the TV
Ah!
took place in the presence of
the authorities of the financial world.
Among others, were present
Italian and English ministers
And diplomatic missions
accredited to the two governments.
Professor Hudhouse of the
Oxford International Economics Institute
Television programs have reached
a considerable degree of freedom.
increasing integration of
the European financial markets
What I can not grasp
is the spoken commentary.
Transmission interrupted
due to a technical error
I'm a star on the TV!
Yes?
- It's Dr. Bargellino from the television.
- Tell him we're flooded.
We're flooded.
- He says they're flooded too.
- Tell him to call the fire department.
He says they're flooded by a sea
of protests and he'll call the police.
- Then tell him to go to hell.
- Says to go...
He's already rung off.
In this house everything
is extremely fake.
The Queen Victoria teaspoons
are of nickel silver.
The cigarette lighter is gold plated.
Cellini's bronze is the product
of an Abruzzo craftsman.
Don't interrupt me!
As for you...
I say that as a man you're a facsimile
and also quite a poor one.
The only real thing in this house
is this collection of well-known...
compromising letters.
The price of this collection
is set at 100,000 lire.
But I'm poor,
that one took everything.
Not again!
Here comes the President.
Luna, you're a lunatic!
I'll ruin you, destroy you!
Mr. President, I don't care
because I decided to undress too.
I've decided to
give you back your refuge...
As you call it
with your infinite hypocrisy...
And to the Minister who doesn't know
certain things, I might say bad words too.
- That's my lizard.
- It cost me a hard hunt!
- My wife fainted after seeing it.
- May 1? - Good evening.
I see you're washing the floor.
I came to bring that money.
To a banker like me?
For heaven's sake!
- The other time you were a bank employee.
- It's the same thing.
- Mr. President.
- Please.
Would consent to a pairing
here with this young lady Marisa?
All paid.
80,000, 70,000, 60,000,
50,000, 40,000, 10,000 lira?
What a cheapskate!
Here, take the letters!
- Don't think that's the fire department.
- What's that? - Bond! Modesty!
Control yourself!
Camouflage!
- Silence!
- They bite?
Acts of sabotage,
public nuisance.
broadcast of an obscene spectacle,
keeping animals without a licence...
Receiving stolen property, homosexuality
incitement to prostitution,
- soliciting and blackmail.
- He's losing his chance of promotion.
Can I make a wish?
Ask the man who operates the siren
to make like a fire engine.
Turn on the siren, Furlan!
A new kind of aphrodisiac
I see.
Bugger!
Don't start to make
a conformist out of me...
Because it's not up to you.
Completely naked you run through?
Do you know what you do?
What harm is there to be like me?
But in your head you've lost a screw
To do the crazy things you do?
But what will I do?
I just don't know.
Stop what you do!
Don't tell me it's true
Found in the traffic
As naked as when you were born?
Yes! Why not?
What's the harm?
If you want to go,
then why not come out with me?
Why don't you come out with me?
I'm not the crazy one like you
I just don't know what you'll do
But I know, I know, I know!
Where are you going all naked?
And don't make those eyes
You know we won't fall for your tricks.
Where are you going all naked?
And don't make those eyes
You know we won't fall for your tricks.
Subtitles: Corvusalbus