When the Soul Cries: Trauma. Tears. Triumph (2020) - full transcript

[music playing]

🎵you may not feel like your pretty
enough to survive in this cold cold world🎵

[Adrienne] One of the things that I've learned
on this journey as a woman as a wife as a

mother as a fearless leader of women, I've
learned that there's so many women with

have a muzzle on their mouth when it comes to
their stories and in our book, When The Soul

Cries: Trauma Tears and Triumph the ladies are
sharing their stories of how they moved from

traumatic experiences. Ten of the women have
come together to talk about the triumph but also

the tears. How did we get to the trauma? What
is trauma? Do we understand how to really heal?

🎵 don't ever stop, stop, keep
believing, don't stop keep achieving.🎵

🎵You're not just another woman. Don't ever stop,
stop, keep believing, don't stop keep achieving🎵

[ladies screaming]



[Adrienne] I thought you were in the house!

[excited screaming]

🎵You are the prize so let
them strive to win you, yeah.🎵

🎵 So if you ever start to doubt yourself,
just remember you're not just a woman, yeah🎵

Hello! Hi!

All my little make up gone, Shay! I
need you sugar! I'm looking a whole mess!

How are you? [Mel] Good how are you?

Fresh to death get it lady!

Hey girl.

[laughing]

[screaming]

[Adrienne] We're here in beautiful Cape Cod. I brought in
a therapist that has helped me in my own personal journey.

So I think initially when Adrienne and I met
and when we started talking about things um

I was observing her from a distance observing
what was happening in a group that she facilitated



and I'm looking at the post I'm looking at all the
tools that she was giving and I was just thinking

she is completely wasting her time because
what she was providing some of the women did

not have the capacity to use those skills,
they needed something that was higher level

meaning therapeutic interventions and so I
reached out to her and I said I don't mean

to get in your business however I need to
let you know that what you're giving them

nuh-uh not working they need therapy okay
it's cool to talk to your girlfriends

it's cool to talk to your friends but some things
require professional intervention right because

we've been trained to give you tools we've
been trained to help you process information

your friends your family will sometimes they're
on your team and so sometimes they will not be

objective in helping you to see the other side and
so the role of a therapist is to help you process

- the information and learn a better way to deal.
- -What I love about our journey is over the years

we've been had the opportunity and the honor
to help so many other women um just understand

not only their trauma but how do they get there?
What circumstances got us to this place? One of

the things I always talk about is accountability
through sisterhood and not just but me respecting

your role as a therapist I always call therapist
scientist because you had to study the brain

study how trauma impacts the brain and I always
tell people that you're my trauma specialist

right and then when people see me they know you're
not far behind because the way we complement each

other I think people can say there's a balance
there right and I never want to be a leader where

I'm the smartest person in the room I
want someone to say no that's really nice

but let's take it up a notch and that's what
you do for the fearless storytellers so I'm so

excited that you're here this weekend. So
can you define trauma in its simplest form?

Trauma in its simplest form is the inability of
an individual to use coping skills to manage the

- significant level of stress that the particular event has caused.
- -Okay... That's in its rarest form

right and so sometimes when we think
about trauma people think about

individuals who have gone to war right those
are traumatic situations yes those are but

someone going through a divorce with their parents
that can be a traumatic situation if they have an

inability to cope with it so we have to look at
trauma in its simplest form because it's really

- based on an individual's experience... Yeah.
- -Right something that affects you may not affect me and

vice versa so when we look at trauma it's
just important for us to understand that

we don't want to shoo shoo anybody's experience
and we want to say you know that was a traumatic

experience and sometimes I even have to help
my clients to identify the trauma remember

your inability to adjust when your parents got a
divorce? Do you remember how difficult it was for

you to get up in the morning? How difficult it was
for you to keep living between your mom and your

dad's house and the stress that you experience
right sometimes there's self-harming behaviors

that may come with it right that lets us know that
there's an inability to cope because now we have

- to find other things that allow us to feel like the pain goes away.
- -So we're here in beautiful cape

cod in this beautiful on this beautiful setting
and even though this is a wonderful retreat we're

not here to play around this is not a girl's
trip this is about people including me healing

and going to the next level in our lives so what
are some of the exercises that you'll be taking

the women through as a licensed social worker
clinical therapist you know trauma when you see it

- so what things are you going to do to help them go to the next level?
- -So one of the exercises is going

to be cards on the table and having the women to
identify the different traumas and figure out what

to do next with the cards on the table we're going
to just put everything out there and let them work

from there. The second exercise is going to be
on a letter to my sister where we acknowledge our

sister's pain from a different standpoint other
than what they believe the experience has been

and the last one is going to be burn it up because
what we want them to do is leave the things on the

table right leave their trauma leave the pain
behind don't take it with them so we're going

to burn it up at the end because that means if
it's burned up they don't take it with them.

[music playing]

[Sound]... So it's so great to meet you all in person
finally. It's been a long journey. [Chelsia]... Yes it has.

[Candice] It's been a year
a year. [Ladies agreeing]

- -[Jondahlyn] It has been a year.
- -[Chelsia]... I know.

It's our anniversary! [Ladies laughing]

[Mel] It is!

[Sound] So how did you all find out about the
projects initially? [Mel] A.B. [Chelsia] A.B.

She what messaged me and
then we had the first call, yep.

[Mel] I know when A.B. calls me
something's going on. [Ladies laughing]

I never hear from her unless some she's got
something cooking up her sleeve [laughing].

[Sound] I met A.B. virtually through the
volunteer coordinator for the kids ministry at my

church. [Chelsia] Oh wow. [Sound] And so um yeah I'm just
going through facebook seeing what we might have in common

and I saw the post and then I reached out and she
was like er ma'am you don't know me [laughing]

To me it was um I put a post on facebook and she
contacted me do you want to write your story [laughing]

and then she said you're going to be the
last one of 18 writers at that point was 18.

- And and I was like yes I need to do this.
- -Who knew that it would bring us to such a place as this a time as this?

Changing the world one life at a
time and it's worth it [ladies agreeing]

Yeah and what I love about it is that when the
book first came out and I didn't think it would

happen but you know each story is different but
we have so many similarities and I was just like

I kind of relaxed in it because it I just didn't
feel like okay you don't have to feel apprehensive

of what people are going to think it's like
everything just intertwined together right

right and just personally I have a heart for women
just to see them healed because I mean you know

where I'm from I have you know family members
I have you know girlfriends or I guess I should

say some associates I'm not going to figure it out
everybody's not your friend but um it's just the

stigma of like negativity or a bad mindset because
you don't know who you are and so I just have a

passion just to see women whole so that's why I
wanted to write my story. [Mel] That's awesome.

Really initially it was reading them to find out
to make sure I wasn't alone and I you know like

today even like breathing I have not been
breathing I've been holding my breath and you know

every time I go and get a massage and like... [Nikiya]
Girl I thought that's because you had your girdle on

you can't be breathing? [Laughing]

[Mel] Somebody laced it
too tight in the back! [Laughing]

So I think that we all can serve as

as um I would call them midwives too many you know
to help people birth what's on the inside of them

as well you know and I think that's um this is new
to me um although it's sort of like contradicting

a little bit but um because you know been in
ministry been able to administer two people

you know um I had a problem you know um trusting
women because I have been hurt by so many

you know so to be in a circle like this I'm
sorry like letting my guards down so when I

first met Adrienne uh it was through um someone
I knew that was actually working her at the time

you know and um and I feel like she was our divine
connection because she's no longer working with

her anymore you know and it was like wow you know
so and that my intention was not to write the book

my intention was for somebody
to hear me for the first time.

The woman with the
five husbands. [Laughing]

Jennie Womack everybody. [Laughing] I am so happy that
you're here with me and we've had uh an amazing time

journey together ironically how we met and just so
many things that we've been through we had a good

in a good way we had you know people say been
through and you'd be like what would y'all have

been through but we've gone through some really
fun things some new innovative innovative things

um this time that we've known each other so but
I want to talk a little bit about your story um

which is entitled the woman with the five
husbands and I remember when we were talking

about naming your story you were kind of like
okay that works um so talk to us a little bit

about first of all why you chose to become
a fearless storyteller let's start there.

Um mainly because you know once I talk with
you and we just started because first year

you started out as as my mentor basically and as
I began to you know to talk to you more and more

um I just said you know some somebody else could
hear and be healed you know from from my story

yeah um although it was labeled you know the
woman with the five husband who does that right

um but it's still they may not have been married
but they might have they may have been had more

- than one... [Adrienne] Yes!
- -Relationship ten relationship whatever the case may be um and they're stuck

in a situation you know feeling like they um
they're not worth anything um or being judged or

um just hard on themselves because they
allow themselves to go through that

right um but I could speak from um
not from innocence but from experience

to say that you know what you know god you brought
me through that mm-hmm you know and sometimes my

life did feel dim you know it did feel like
I wasn't going to make it and I was drowning

but as I look back on it he had a hand on me
as well you know so it's just saying that you

know giving it out there and putting
it out there and somebody's seeing it

and they can go wow five husbands and
I'm wrestling over the one I had [laughing]

- you know I'm letting the one I had you know make me go through.
- -[Adrienne]Sure! And she was at five? [Adrienne] Right.

- -So I think it was more of a of a ministering tool for women.
- [Adrienne] Absolutely... Um to see that they

don't have to you know be in a place all their lives.
[Adrienne] Yeah that's good and I appreciate the

the honesty and the accountability that you
take and you've always from day one even from

of us meeting even if you didn't know why you
did something you always were self-reflective

and accountable and just wanting to be better so
as a leader of women a fearless leader of women

and they love you and they look up to you we've
had time to spend I've had an opportunity to

spend time in your element among the women that
you serve so how do you make them comfortable

because sometimes women can be very
judgmental and say well she can't tell me

anything about my relationship because I mean she
can't even keep a man like that's just how we are

right so how do you have it where how do you
create the environment where they can feel safe?

Number one being transparent um about the things
I've been through I don't put on airs I don't

act like I'm all that in the back of chips
never did nothing and all of that you know

um but I'm just very transparent what I'm
talking and um to the to two women and I

try to meet them right where they are right
you know in the situation and again and not

judge them about um whatever because although
my situation may be that I married five

you know I had five husbands your situation may be
totally different but you still need deliverance

You still need healing yeah so to get women to
understand you know that don't don't compare

your situation with anyone else right
right because it may not be the same

but the result should still be the same absolutely
that you know I want total healing I want total

- deliverance from whatever I went through I need that you know.
- -[Tamara] What we want to do with

these women is say yes so now you've shared your
story let's talk about the things in your story

that you haven't shared yet. All right ladies so we
are going to do our first exercise which is called

cards on the table and the instructions are that
each individual one at a time will pick up a card

and you will return to your seat and you will
talk about the card that you picked as it relates

to the word that's on the card so whoever would
like to go first can start you're going to get

your card no one else is going to come up behind
you and pick up a card that is your time to shine

We clear? [Ladies agreeing] So whoever would
like to go to the table any card you like.

- [Mama Chris] Why not!
- [Mel] All right!

Wow!

Okay so I got the word say the
word... [Tamara] Say the word.

Disrespected. Wow...

I guess when I was violated.

When I wasn't covered.

When somebody should have known better
and they choose chose to disrespect me.

They took my innocence.

I never had a chance

but I'm still standing because
although they disrespected me

eventually I came to a
point where no matter what

I'm not gonna take their
disrespect. I sever that cord.

If I need to be respected I respect myself so I'm
not gonna be in the gutter doing gutter stuff.

- [ladies agreeing] [... Mel] That's it!
- -Because I'm valuable. I'm a masterpiece. I'm unique.

Disrespected.

[Tamara] So when you
picked up that card Miss Chris,

you said wow. What did it feel
like to turn that card over?

Because I felt it. I felt it. I remember
feeling it. I remember there being a time when

I saw no value in myself no no self-worth
you know when my husband proposed to me

I'm like wow all this time
you know I was just um

going through adolescence
childhood young adulthood

but he chose me [laughing]

He loved me, He loved
me and so when I felt...

You know it didn't start out that way you know you know
you [laughing] know yeah I'm gonna be honest you know

he riding his game you know
[laughing] I feel for it. [Laughing]

But in the end you know he he went home to be
with the lord we were together for we dated

in high school and we were married 29 and a half
years you know to be able to be there with him he

knew my deepest darkest secrets he knew every
detail about me and um he loved me regardless

regardless I told him everything and he
still loved me? [Laughing] Oh wow yeah um

to have felt love and in spite of disrespect
you know and I think that makes me more aware

so that I am respectful to people you know
they can cross the line but I don't have

to sit there I don't have to sit there and
subject myself I can excuse myself and go

you know it's their loss yeah but if they
need me I'm there but I won't be disrespected

I will not be disrespect that's a
powerful word that's the powerful word.

- -[Tamara] So thank you for sharing Miss Chris.
- -Thank you.

[Tamara] Everybody
take a deep breath [laughing]

[Sound] Shame. So I've experienced situations in
my life where I was misunderstood I was put in

circumstances because of just bad choices
because my parents were born in 1929 in 1939

and not too much conversation went on in their
household so they did the best that they could and

they really didn't talk to me about things
it was like don't bring no babies up in here

don't do things that you're not supposed to do
but there were really no intimate details that

this is what you do when a boy approaches
you this is what you do when you get into

this situation and so a lot of people thought
that I should have known better but I didn't

as long as I made straight a's went to church
volunteered stayed active in my community

I was smart enough to figure things out but that
wasn't the case and so um I experienced a lot of

shame because people felt that I'm too smart for
that always you should have known better even

trying to spend situations to say you know it
was my fault so with shame came guilt, self-doubt

and a lot of other things depression anxiety
just a lot of different emotions connected to it

so and going through the different
relationships I could say that um being shameful

of my choices would cause me to not
say anything and to just exist and to

just be and try to cover up situations as best
as I could and really no one would know anything

until it was over with but most of the time
people in my life were like well what happened

to so-and-so he was so nice but you didn't know
the other side oh well y'all just look so happy

well because I didn't want to be shamed
by people I did a lot of cover-up

I was great at covering up. I wore a mask.

I did. And so part of my healing process has been
coming out of agreement with it and reclaiming

who I am as far as my identity and that I am
not who I am because of what happened to me

I am who I am through what has happened to be
what I was born and designed to do on this Earth.

[Tamara] And where does shame exist in
your World now? Oh my goodness so

because my husband is a church musician he's not
at church with me and so I have the role of being

a solo parent and all of my children are not
necessarily on the spectrum but they have adhd

attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, sensory
processing disorder, a couple of the children have

tourettes and so I'm serving and I'm parenting
and I'm being an advocate for my children and so

different people are saying oh they should know
better they're just acting out they're doing

it on purpose and so I'm expressing to them that
there is something going on neurologically and I'm

doing what I need to do in the physical and in the
spiritual and I need y'all to show some compassion

and it's like they're not hearing me and so it's
like it's kind of they're not saying oh shame

on you but I can tell from the looks and the
comments and even the non-verbal communication

that is a shameful situation but this has been
like everywhere out in public at the grocery

store it doesn't matter someone's having a sensory
moment a meltdown and so I'm doing my best to read

everything and to just be their advocate and to
teach them to advocate for themselves and it's

like unless the child has a profound disability
they're not really acknowledged so it's like

people with silent disabilities get overlooked um
when I registered to to come here on the plane I

was like well do you have any disabilities and I'm
like yeah so mine is cognitive like my children as

well and so when it was time to board they're
like okay anybody with disabilities come on

I was the only one and I don't know if people
looking at me crazy or not but I know my bag and

I'm not afraid so I walked on that empty plane got to my
seat and sat down and I felt safe [ladies acknowledging]

[Tamara] Thank you for sharing that it's important
to know that when we have these experiences right

this is still present so this is not a past word
this is a right now yeah right this is right

now where you're struggling with it just being
able to parent your children right people are

putting identities on you identities on your
kids and so it's important to know that shame

can look so many different ways and what we have
to be conscious about is just constantly exposing

what you're doing now like you can look at my
kids it doesn't matter I know what's going on

I don't really owe you an explanation because
the last time I checked I was the only person

buying clothes right paying bills to take care
of them but it's important to know what your own

identity is so that when people try to give you
an identity that you stay out of agreement with

that right and so it's good that you know what it
was like when you were in agreement with it yeah

in your younger life and now you're like no I'm
not having it and I'm gonna do what I need to do

and just because you don't see it right because
you learn to cover up I'm still gonna do it and

so that's important to know and so thank you for
sharing and talking about the shame that you're

having right now like it's happening right now
and so it's important for you to keep advocating

- for your children advocating for yourself... [Sound] Yes!
- -And saying never again will I be under the rock

of shame and I'm not taking that walk again
right that walk is done.

[Jondahlyn] My word is invalidated.

That's deep. [Laughing]

- I'm sorry.
- -[Tamara] No don't be sorry it's okay.

So most of my life as a pk pastor's kid um for the
first 18 years of my life as the only girl out of

three boys um there was this expectation
that you know I was a little mama

I got straight a's in school my father taught
me how to do this whole public speaking thing

we were on radio and television from very early
age like since we could really talk because my

father was a public figure pastor so on, so forth.
Um so there was always this expectation that

in order to I guess have value you had
to roar and you had to pour into others

forget about self and just pour into everybody
else and be this ultimate servant leader

so you know that was my goal. In life I watched
my parents you know serve and be and everything

they touched seemed like it turned into gold and
I was like okay that's the goal in life right

so it all I think it almost became like that
whole like um you learn how to be an actor or

an actress right and you people value you based
on kind of how well you win the oscar yeah and so

um the invalidated part was the secret struggle it
was the things that I cried about at night but I

couldn't even tell like my parents or anybody
because the expectation was you get out there

you perform and you be and you do and everything
has to be 100. But I struggled with this because

um I've always had issues with like am I good
enough so it's this rat race to be good enough

and everything had to be perfect but
I wasn't perfect and I'm not perfect

and so um I think it created or
developed some um insecurities um

in my relationships I accepted the
whole invalidation piece because

um I think I don't know it was my alter ego or
I don't know and I'm probably like all over the

place normally I'm I think good at public speaking
but when I have to go into these places like this

it I kind of seem to jumble my words but um I
struggle but I still struggle with this um because

- I think I'm naturally just kind of a performer you know?
- -[Tamara] So what would happen if you stopped performing?

[laughing]... That's a very good question. So if I stop
performing I think I can breathe better [laughing] um

I think I can be the although I may look like
I'm an extrovert I'm really kind of an introvert

and I think I could spend the time that's needed
to really get to know me and not who I won't

even say what everybody expects me to because it
might not be what everybody's expecting me it may

be what I think that I have to be what everybody
expects me to be so I think I really would discover me

um and all of the layers underneath which I want
to discover so um that's what I think will happen.

[Tamara] So I would like for you to write down the
date in your journal that you're going to start

[Jondahlyn] Well
apparently right now [laughing]

Because most of the time I'm leading so when I'm
brought to a place of vulnerability such as this

normally I will retreat very quickly and and
if I feel like a tear or something coming

I have to kind of go and fantasize and I'm
doing something else but you know so that

I can perform and continue to perform
so my date is today um my date is today.

[Tamara] And I need you to write an affirmation
with that, 'today I will choose to serve me first'

Today I will choose to sever me first.

Thank you.

Now you understand the panic attacks that you have
are related to this right what are you going to do

next right we can get medication right that's to
fix it however medication addresses the symptoms

it does not deal with the root cause and so
we've got to get to the root causes which

is what I'm hoping we do this weekend is get to
the root cause and once we get to the root cause

then we can pluck up the tree instead of swinging
from branch to branch to branch to branch when we

pluck up the roots right then they can really
get down to the depth of the healing process.

- It's thick in here y'all... [Angel] It is.
- -So this is the work right it's just cards on the table though [laughing] that's it

Imma go! Imma go!

I'm strategizing! [Laughing]

[Adrienne] It doesn't work.

Don't go for the middle.

Oh, Jesus! Woah! Child! Okay.

Manipulated. [Heavy sighing]

Uh when I see this word um I think
of being used um I think of um

just, I resonated a lot with Johndahlyn's story about
um having such low self-worth that you can't even

feel comfortable if somebody were to praise
you recognize you give you a compliment and

genuinely mean that because you don't
see that within yourself that you are

so low in your worth that um that you can't
you can't accept it as your truth you know

and because of that it is so easy
to be used and manipulated by people

and I think this has actually been
a theme since since I was a girl

[crying] because I never was told or taught

what I was really worth.

And so I let people use me,

for everything. [Laughing]

Everything.

And it was a theme that
started in my childhood

and then I had like a eight year break
when I lived in Kentucky and god really

broke apart all of my infrastructure that I had
growing up and he showed me who I was and who

I really am and then I found myself married and
feeling the same exact way that I was growing up

and so it was almost like a test of what I
learned about myself in in those eight years

did I really believe it or not you know and
if it was my truth would I continue to allow

myself to be manipulated and used and not know my
worth and not know what I'm actually able to do

in this world and how I was created and
why I was created so um this uh [laughing]

this is a choice this is a
choice and maybe what happens to you

isn't a choice of yours it might
have been a choice of someone else's

but the continuation of
this is your choice and um

I got to a point to where I had to learn two
words that I've never said before to anybody

and that was I refuse I've never refused anybody
I was raised not to refuse anybody I was raised

not to refuse elders I was raised not to say
no I was a groomed people-pleaser right and

when you get that code embedded in
you in your nature and your core um

you don't put words together like I refuse

and as a result things like this happen but
when you find yourself out of that environment

or having been exposed to something
that tells you you can refuse

and not only can you
refuse you should refuse

you start to believe you can yeah and then
the choice is will you or will you not so

- yeah.
- -[Tamara] So how does it feel to now refuse?

Good! [Laughing]

Good um I am really bad I was really bad at
setting boundaries um when you're a people

pleaser you don't have boundaries right with
people and manipulation and being used happens

and it was very scary at first to begin
setting boundaries with people in my life

I felt that if I refused someone or said

no or showed them the line that they could
not cross with me that I was being too

disrespectful to them and it's so funny how you're
more concerned about disrespecting someone else

than you are about being disrespected yourself
you know and that's how low my self-worth was

I never considered myself. When I write my to-do
list self-care is like number 82 on the list right

you don't get 81 things done in a day you
know so you you just you just get in that

mindset in that mind frame um but you know
I've begun the practice of setting boundaries

it's still a work in progress to be honest but
there are some particular people in my life that

I really had to use as a practice ground it's
changed dynamics for sure but you know what it

I can keep my peace

and you don't realize how much peace means to you
until it's like a million pieces on the floor.

I don't remember every detail of everyone's
story in this room but I was the one who

almost drowned herself
in the backyard pool.

But I didn't do it because at the time

my son loved eggs for breakfast and I was
the only one who knew how to make his eggs

and I didn't want my son to
not have his eggs the next day.

But when you're at the point
where you've lost your peace

and the only thing saving
you is eggs [laughing]

that's a problem. [Laughing]

And you better start refusing the
things that have taken your peace.

So. Yeah.

[Tamara] So Mel I just want to say to you

one I'm grateful that those eggs were enough
[laughing] [Adrienne] I know that's right!

- -[Mel] I can't even eat eggs!
- -Those eggs were enough literally to save your life! [Mel] Yeah

Right so I knew Mel in that season

and I attempted in that season
to work with Mel... [Mel] Yeah.

Around this and I just left her with some
words because I'm like she's not ready but I'm

gonna plant the seed and it's up to her to do the rest and
I said when will you be tired of being sick and tired don't

keep telling me about it because every time I
talked to Mel she had a reason why she was still

in that space cool when you're ready so
she needed to take that journey for herself

because I could have just snatched her out
right get out go now that wouldn't have been it

it was for her to do the work
and know that I needed an exit

and so when eggs save your life just know that it
was time for you to get your life a long time ago.

- -[Mel] Yeah, yeah.
- -[Tamara] All right y'all shake your arms out a little bit, it's heavy in the room all right?

- All right, everybody feel the earth under your feet?
- [Adrienne] No, I don't. [Laughing]

Ohh! [Laughing]

Ah I have the word
attacked. [Heavy sighing]

And I can remember when I was you know my mom
didn't raise me my grandmother did you know and

and I can remember that coming up I always
felt like I was the black sheep of the family

you know because um my grandmother she
did she took good care of me for us

you know buying things and clothes and things
like that but that was it teach me how to work

hard and things like that because we had a farm
and that was it that was you know but everything

else was was not taught to me you know to be
honest so coming up with my sisters and my mom

my sister my they really raised themselves to
be honest I'm gonna tell the truth you know

um but I've always felt like I
was under attacked by my siblings

always - I didn't ask to be in the place
that I was in you know I didn't ask to

be raised by my grandmother I didn't ask for that
stuff that was my life you know so I felt like

I was always attacked attacked by
them like they didn't really like me

or they were um I think sometimes it was um a
little jealous of what you know my grandmother

did for me and they didn't you know whatever but
they could have got the same thing and they did

really you know end up not
really without because of my

you know my grandparents they just
wasn't in the same house you know um

but I feel like I was always up under
attack and and I grew up thinking that

you know that um that for
whatever reason if I didn't do

what you told me to do if I didn't talk the
way you told me you know you tell me to talk

or if I didn't do this or whatever then I
felt like I always came up on the attack

from from the situation other person so I'm like
everybody else was saying that's when you become

a people pleaser that's right I can remember
being married um to a pastor and if I didn't um

raise my hand a certain way or or you know
when you you know praying or you're going

to be spiritual, if I do that a certain way you
know I come home I had to be upon its attack about

you know why did you do it that way why did you do
it that way it was always you know why why why why

you gotta always do that why you always gotta do it this
way why you know, why I just can't be me? [Ladies agreeing]

And that's how I grew up and I
thank god for Adrienne Bell I do

because when I began to talk to Adrienne, Adrienne
really she she just she was very straightforward

with me she made me think in aries in my
life I never thought before about who I was

and stop letting people attack me or come at
me you know like I've done them something wrong

you know and that's and I get it all the
time. So I'm a loner I always say I'm a loner

and I've been that way because I'm so afraid
of being attacked rejected and all of that

all tied up in it you know so, I love people, I do
but I'm also kind of like wait a minute you know

I'm afraid if I say this so now I live in fear
about oh if I see it like this they don't look

at me crazy or if I just be you know they're
gonna look at me crazy well something to say

you know whatever and that's not always the case
for people but if you believe it long enough

and if you hear it long enough that's how you
live. So I need the healing of the breaking point

of breaking beyond that you know because I realize
in life I have a lot of potential, I have a lot

on the inside of me and because I'm living fear
about what people think about me or being attacked

because the way I present myself it would shut me
down so I've been shutting down a lot all my life.

I'm shut it down huh a whole lot all right because
I can remember when my son was preaching and he

began to tell his testimony that that day brought
a lot of men and women to the altar because of

his testimony and he says what people didn't know
that as a little kid I would hear my mama scream

I couldn't help her, he said I would
go in the closet and want to kill myself

because I couldn't help my mama because
I heard the screams, I heard my mama cry.

And so for that I'd rather have other men to
be other men to be my father than my own daddy.

And there's something I want to tell you um how
your your voice and who you are and when I see

you and I hear you I hear the love of god. You
have a voice that is calming, serene it's like

- it touches the heart so don't ever let anybody tell you different.
- -[Jennie] Thank you.

[Tamara] So I just want you to get your paper
and write down other people's impression of me

- it's not my concern... [Mel] That's good.
- -And I want you to live that because if you allow that to guide your

every move then this agreement with being attacked
feeling attacked not using your voice remember

what does the book say? The muzzle has been removed
don't put it back on so other people's impression

of you is not your concern and I want you to let
that be your daily affirmation however many times

you need to remind yourself when you even start
to feel attacked even think attack I need you

to take control of your thoughts because your
thoughts are the things that will drive your

behavior right and then your behavior will become
things and then here we are 57 years later.

[laughing]

[Tamara] I thought someone would
have picked up my card, that's yours baby.

Used.

Used describes my relationship
with my kid's dad my ex-husband

Used. Used for sex used for his own gain. I met my
kid's dad when I was in high school we did not go

to school together I was 16 he was 20. And um it
was one of those when I met him I had no business

with him, knew I had no business with him but
he was intriguing he was um he was suave he was

smooth he was oh my god he likes me because I was
the little book smart school girl from the suburbs

and he was the street smart single parent
fast talking you know that's what he was

and so we were together for I think like two years
before I lost my virginity to him and I knew even

before that it happened that he was sleeping
with other girls but my self-esteem at that time

but he's 20. And I don't even think it dawned on
me then this is a whole grown man like an adult

he graduated from high school you know before
I did but it didn't, I didn't understand

I was being used because he knew that I knew
no better he knew I was naive he knew I knew

nothing about the street life he knew that. He did
his dirt he cheated um he got locked up. He went to

he went to jail and then he went from county
jail he received uh I think a two-year sentence

or something so he went to state prison but I was that
ride or die chick, I ain't going nowhere. [Laughing]

We gonna do this bonnie and clyde you know. Yeah
actually yeah here's the big the big used part

um I got pregnant senior year I was pregnant
the day of graduation high school but I didn't

know it because it you know like just happened
by the time I was supposed to go away to school

I was like I can't do this I can't handle baby my
dad is gonna kill me, I'm not ready to be a mother

I can't do this and he said well you know it's
up to you. So after the summer program was over

I got back home and I went and had an abortion
and by again by the time I was able to get all

of this stuff done and I'm trying to hide it from
my parents because there's no way in the world

I'm going to go tell my parents that I'm
pregnant right. It's a two-day procedure um

I'm very traumatized but I blocked it because
I had to handle it. I couldn't sit in that, I

knew it was wrong but I couldn't sit in it like oh
my god do you really understand what you're doing

it was just like no you gotta go to college you
gotta do this you gotta do that again appearance,

judged, um attacked you know all of those things were
right there and I was like I gotta do this I gotta

do something, again he was there he was right there
he never left. A couple maybe a couple weeks or so

after that situation happened he actually proposed
asked me to marry him. Oh my god I'm so excited!

He was still messing around with other girls.
He was still doing dirt. He got locked up again.

Bonnie was still there for Clyde, because my
self-esteem and I didn't understand I was being

used I just didn't understand that. I didn't
understand that I was the comfort place.

I was the rock and I can walk over her like a
doormat and she's not gonna go anywhere because

- she knows she ain't worth it anyway so why change what's going on?
- -[Adrienne] Wow! And so again this word is so

powerful, because even women I come in
contact with have experienced this very thing

yeah but they don't know how to put the
voice to it. I feel a sense of empowerment

- just right now just because I'm able to say I was used.
- -Yes so sometimes what happens is

if we get to the point that we can say what
actually happened to us we're like oh I'm free

it's over I'm done and often times that is the
beginning of the process right? Now we're no longer

hiding right? We've exposed um the events that have
caused us to experience certain levels of trauma

so once we expose it then there are some steps
that we need to take to actually deal with it

it's not enough to just say well I shared
my story but do you understand how your

story has impacted your life? Do you understand
what you needed to go through in order to get

better?

I would pick this word. [Women laughing]

[women laughing]

- -So um the word I picked up was heartbroken. [Women gasping].
- - See what I'm saying, I don't need that.

[women laughing]

Um when you grow up you never as a kid you
you never you can't play the situations over

in your mind the things that you would go through.
When I was young I wanted to be a teacher so at

sixth grade graduation we all held up the sign for
teacher and we wrote out what it means to us right

and that was one of the things I always I dreamed
of. I had so many aspirations and as I began to

grow and learn through life it just seemed like
everything was one heartbreak after another.

Not growing up with my biological father or his
family was detrimental and it was detrimental

for the simple fact that as a as a little
girl you want to feel the love of your father

I believe that because uh um,

I had some some type of some it's like
innate where I loved photography I was

good with photography I was very
creative my mother's not that way

and when I met my biological father I
learned that he was great with photography

so there were certain things that I feel now that
as a child growing up because I reminded my mother

of him she resented me and treated me in certain
types of ways that she didn't treat my sister um

and that was heartbreaking. With my dad my dad
that raised me I literally clung to him if he

was waking up on the Saturday morning which is
why I that's probably why I'm an early riser

I would literally wake up and be ready because
I knew he was going to go get his hair cut and

we were going to go to Queens he was getting
his hair cut and I'm going to ride with him

and I would do that faithfully and
then there would be certain times where

my mother would beat me to it because the car
was only a two-seater so only two of us really

could go. When he would go out to Queens and stuff
we always would visit the family and everything

so when the family would see that I wasn't
with him they'd be like oh you took her seat

and my mother would get upset because
she don't have a seat. Like okay.

So when you grow up like that where
you feel like you're constantly

at odds it's heartbreaking.

And I'm a fighter but I'm not a fighter right?
Because I don't enjoy war but I can go to war so...

And I had to learn that because I was constantly
warring but not because I wanted to but because

of the situations that I was in I was
put in and one of the biggest things I

always wanted to defend was my heart and
I wanted to protect my heart but every

time I try to protect my heart I kept getting
broken, so it was like at every turn you're

you're breaking and as an adult,
I didn't want to break [crying]

- I didn't want to break. I'm sorry. I can't break. [Crying]
- -[Tamara] It's okay you can break, you can break.

You have permission to break... I, um...

'Cause my ex broke me and I fight against
that every day because I didn't want to break

so I stood and everybody judged me because
I stood because I said he won't break me

he can't break me but he broke me. And I
didn't want to experience that breaking

and every day I fight the breaking. [Crying] I lost
my baby, that that broke me and broke me broke me

down, it broke me down, it broke me and broke me
and broke me and broke me broke me, it's breaking.

And I laugh, I joke because that's
the only thing I know how to do. I hate

when you gotta fight for people to respect you
when you gotta fight for love you gotta fight

the only thing you know
how to do is be joyful.

That's the only thing you know how to do
because then everything breaks you, everything,

- everything breaks you every day, every, everything.
- -[Tamara] I said to Nikiya I need you to allow your heart to

break. Because I need you guys to sometimes
sit in the pain of your brokenness.

When we keep covering it up and covering it up
and then we're like but why can't I heal lord?

Why are you not helping me? You're not in the place
you're not in a place where healing can begin.

This is the place right? You're here now you said I
don't want to break but you're broke and it's safe.

It was safe here to do it to allow
it. The therapist cries right now you know

the therapist cries right? We're taught to you
know hold it holding hold it right that's just

how we're trained in the profession but that's
not who I am and so when I need to be vulnerable

I'm okay and I'm present with that moment
so I thank you for sharing, I thank you for

feeling safe enough to break with us [ladies agreeing]
and to openly say I'm broken. I've been around here

chanting, ranting, raving doing all this but I'm
broken and I need help because now your healing

can start, now your sisters know how to support you
[ladies agreeing] and you don't have to do that anymore.

You don't have to cover up anything. I'm
broken and that's it yeah that's enough.

Thank you for sharing.

[Candice] Judged.

Just growing up and um you know how you I'm not trying
to paint a perfect picture I grew up in a single home.

My dad you know he was abusive and that's
how hearing y'all's stories it does bring

back memories. I came like right in on the end with my mom. Me
and my brother like 15 months apart and they were barely married

two years give or take and so I didn't
see everything that happened with my mom

but I saw how he was with my sister's mom so I
can only imagine what my mom went through. I was

a mama's girl and so when you know you're always
under your mom and you know you hear things all

of them not good let's be honest and so it was
always something negative oh well your daddy did

send your daddy dad and at a young age you know
I didn't really see anything it didn't bother me

but when you constantly hear that you started to
believe that so the more I heard it the more I

didn't want to have anything to do with my dad
Imma just be honest you know and so in a sense

I was you know judging him and so and granted
the desires of my heart are to be married or to

have kids but the reason why I can say that
I'm not is because I saw my mom struggled

I saw my mom sacrifice us and it's like you
know she did what she had to do that's why

it's like I have so much admiration for my
mom and no I don't tell her all the time

but my mom she was on her business as a mother
and a lot of mothers aren't let's be real a

lot of mothers aren't, but her example it set
the tone for me to when I do have kids to be

the the model mom or not perfect because of
course my mom wasn't perfect but don't take

- for granted the gift of being a mother because nowadays so many mothers do.
- -[Adrienne] That's true... Okay [sighing]

[laughing]

Okay. Rejected... umm.

For me when I think of rejection the only
person that pops up is my mama. Uh mom, I don't

I've always been open that me and my mom don't click
[laughing] but uh I think I started doing things

I think I started to believe what she was telling
me. She was always telling me I was rebellious

you know you're the middle child you do what you
want to do and for me that was a badge of honor

that I didn't follow people but to her it always
when she said it it was like I was a bad person

from not doing it her way so uh when I got older
I've always felt like it was a controlled thing.

She felt like she couldn't control me
so she made me feel you know, a way.

So she accepted my brother and my sister because
she could control them but she rejected me because

- she couldn't.
- -[Tamara] Do you remember the first time that you felt rejection from her? How old were you?

I probably was more aware of it around 15 but
I felt it at 18 when I left. When I left I

definitely saw it like you gonna do it your way
when I told you to stay so now, do it all the

- way. It was no assistance it was nothing.
- -[Tamara] Do you see rejection playing out anywhere in your life

- in your relationship with your own children?
- -Oh yeah I don't, I don't even really have uh

like I hear stories about how people just be like
oh my babies my babies and I'll just be like oh

yeah they're cute all right
go over there um I just don't...

I don't know, I don't have that attachment uh
like some people do and we were we were like

self-sufficient kids that's another thing.
I never really necessarily had the nurturing

that thing, I've always kind of been like things
are what they are you know. I don't do the

babying thing really well, I don't, I
don't have that thing. I love my kids

because we didn't hang with my parents like that
they were never in the same space anyway so it was

I didn't have that one-on-one thing and it was
just none of that so I don't have that to really

give. I don't think I caught on to being a mother
until I had my third child, I don't want her to

- feel rejected because I don't, I didn't know how to do it. I just don't.
- -[Tamara] So I think that's the place

where you might need to do a little bit of work
a little bit of deeper work in terms of are you

ready and willing to break the cycle? It's never
too late to establish something new with your

children right? And so because you didn't
get the attachment and the nurturing thing

until your third child your first two kids are
already probably into the repeat of the cycle and

so in order for you to disrupt you have to create
something new yeah but in order to break the cycle

- of rejection because you're getting ready to be your grandma right?
- [Angel] Yeah... Yeah and so if you don't

get it together yeah remember your grandchild
you may you know display that same thing and

there's a different role for grandmothers right
they are all of that and so it's important to be

able to exhibit that to your kids and so then
shift how your generation looks for the future.

[Teresa] Controlled. [Sighing]

Controlled for almost 25 years.

In a very manipulative way... [Mel] Yeah.

Control to to having
a relationship in which

you felt like you were at the
bottom. You were the last person

that was important. Control to the
point of don't go to church because

you don't need to go. Control because why are you
singing there's a lot of people singing up there

they don't need you. I couldn't have children
on my own because I had cancer when I was 28

and they had to remove my uterus, and I always
thought that I wasn't going to have children.

My social worker knocks on my
door and she said Teresa sit down

get a piece of paper, and I said
okay and she gave me three names

and the ages, one girl three years, old another girl
two years old, and a little boy nine months old.

[ladies gasping] God was
waiting for my little boy to be born

Once I got my kids I thought
that this was going to go away

because I thought that the reason why this was
happening was because I was never able to give

him a child that's what I thought all the time
and that's one of the reasons why I felt so

low and my self-esteem was so low because I
didn't feel I was a woman enough for him because

I couldn't give him the thing that he wanted. After
I moved out with the kids he brought his nephew

which I saw him grow ever since he was four years
old and I knew that this boy was going to be trouble.

And he brought him to live with him
because he thought that he could fix him.

When I am at church on a prayer night that
I usually don't go because I had the kids

and that night I said to my friend let's go let's
go to prayer night tonight at 12 midnight we

start praying for for the for our children and
for protection for our children. At one o'clock

in the morning the lord tells me go home. I see
my phone and I see two missed calls from my ex.

When I try to hear a voice message that his aunt
left me, I started shaking, I grabbed my keys

and I drove as fast as I could. And I go in there
and I said to the police officer where are my kids?

And she said I don't know, and when I look
inside the house all I see is blood on the floor.

When I see my exes aunt coming out of the house
and I said where are the kids? So she started

explaining to me that the nephew um was listening
to foul music and my ex came and told him to turn

it down because the kids were there, um when
he told him no and my ex just closed his laptop

he just jumped on him with a knife and
started to stab him in front of the children.

When we were praying for protection at 12
midnight this was what happened. My oldest girl

grabbed the other two and she hides them
in the closet. My ex didn't want to call

the police because it was his nephew, then he
called the neighbor to take him to the hospital

and he leaves the kids in the house with
him. That young man comes out of the house

with a smile of the devil. I had never seen
the devil so real like the face of that kid.

The officer comes with me through the house and
I have never seen anything in my life. Everything

was broken, there was blood everywhere. I see my
little kids and they were mommy we were praying

for you to come and get us! But I knew that at that
moment god had saved my kids and protected them

- but that's one of the reasons why god told me escape for your life.
- -[Adrienne] Wow... Because if I would

have been in that moment in that house,
I don't know what would have happened.

[Tamara] You stayed
in a controlling situation

waiting for god to move on his behalf but
he didn't want god to move on his behalf.

And so god needed to work with you and he needed to
speak to you and say escape that's your only exit.

So thank you for being able
to heed the voice of god

to know what you need to do and I'm sure you were
scared out of your mind but you did it anyway and

I'm so grateful that you live to tell the story [ladies
agreeing] and to share with us to impact women to know

because domestic violence is very real [ladies agreeing]
and women need to know no matter how long it's been

no day is ever too late unless
it's the day that they take your life.

[music playing]

[Tamara] When we start to talk about these
things the brain will start to process the trauma

and it will start to connect things that have happened
in the past to things that are happening currently.

If we don't heal we're going to pass that thing down to our children
to their children and we'll see it manifests in so many different ways.

[Adrienne] Everybody got rocks?

[ladies chatting]

[wind howling]

[Tamara] All right so ladies you can drop the rocks,
drop the rocks. I just need each person take 10 seconds

- and tell me what you thought the purpose of the exercise was.
- -At first I was like what the hell

am I holding these rocks for but then after
just clowning about it I realized that it's

a lot of weight that we carry and until we
decide to drop it is when things are changed.

- -I thought it was to see how long we were going to carry it.
- - Um I thought about how there were

different number of rocks in each bag one was
um had more rocks than the other and I was just

- thinking about balance.
- - I was thinking more about the weight because I heard a few people saying

that they were too heavy but mine weren't that
heavy so I was like okay I'm just gonna wait and

- see when are they gonna tell us to put them down.
- -Why are we holding them when we don't have to?

I was very, I was actually uncomfortable putting them
down because you know, that's life, but I put them

- down because I heard everybody say well what if it's about putting them down?
- -Well at first I was

thinking like okay why are we holding these
rocks um and then I thought and I said it out

- loud I said they don't belong to me so why am I carrying this these rocks?
- -What kind of attitude

- do we have when we are carrying something or when we going through something?
- -I automatically thought

- rock of ages care for thee let me hide myself in me.
- -I saw this as a trust building exercise

where it says upon this rock I built my church and
so even though I didn't know what the next set of

- instruction was I just centered myself focused on my breathing remained calm.
- - Nikiya had it best

in terms of the purpose of the exercise was for
you guys to decide we have to make a decision and

we don't need permission from anyone else to put
down things that hurt us. I said to hold the rocks.

I never told you that you couldn't put the rocks
down. I never told you any other instruction other

than that because I wanted to give you free will
to do what you felt you needed to do for you.

How long will we carry pain before we make a decision?
So Miss Jennie was the first person to identify

we can put them down but Miss Jennie didn't put hers
down right because there was not a collective yes.

You guys were focused, Sound was completely in the
experience but to hold the pain. To hold the pain.

So this is about understanding when it's time
right I can drop this I don't have to do this

I refuse to continue. So the next part of this
exercise is you wrote some things on some paper

which should be fresh in your mind. I want you
to open up the rocks and I want you to pick

out the rocks that represents the weight of
those things that you wrote on your list.

[bags crinkling]
[music playing]

When you guys have
the rocks that you need

please drop the bag. [Rocks hitting ground]

I want you guys to think about
what you wrote on the list,

think about the pain that you've endured from
that. Think about where you've held that pain

in your body and you're going to turn
behind you you're going to walk over

and when you're ready you're going to
release the pain by throwing the rocks.

[music playing]

It's your job to take the tools that we give
and build a house. Now if you choose to build

a house with your hand which we know is very
impossible then what can we do right? We can't

do anything so we can only provide you with the
things that you need but you must do the work.

At one point I wanted to ask for more instruction
and I also wanted to ask if we could put them down

but I didn't and that's something that
is a reflection upon me because I'm

always seeking permission and there's a quote
that I learned from Lisa Nichols about stop

giving permission and start serving notice
and that's something I need to be more active

actively applying every day. I was raised to not
do anything unless I was given permission to do so

there was that fear of not being given the
permission to do so and so I didn't.

I want to be transparent okay. We're holding something oh
I'm holding something that I'm not supposed to be holding

you know because once I saw you just looking you
know I start looking at it through a different

view and now here's the transparency of it is
that when I said that I want to put them down

and I picked them back up and so many times in our
lives we look for affirmation you know from people

you know to see what other people want to do or
either people just bring the pain on you know

see what they say about it and I purposely found
the biggest black rock I could find in my bag

you know and to me that rock represent darkness
of all the darkness that the pain brought in no

matter which direction it came from it's
still in the one big dark space in my life

you know so I threw the old Jennie aboard over with all
the darkness and I want the new Jennie. [Ladies agreeing]

I'm a carrier so because I'm a carrier I carry
everything. I thought going into this that one of

the biggest rocks I would have picked up to get
rid of was rejection because I dealt with that

um but it wasn't. Uh I literally had to
look up the definition of invalidation

and when you look it up it means to
make less official to make less true.

That is the biggest thing that I deal with is
feeling invalidated because I have, I have a big

issue. I do not complete tasks. I do not complete
assignments. I literally for the last nine years

have had one class to finish to get my
degree and have yet to do that. Invalidation.

I literally, on my job...

I need certain certification
and I will be the one

I will research all the information get all
information gather it. Put that over there.

I've been supposed to be writing
the second book for the last year.

Can't do it. And all of
that sums up in validation

because everything starts and stops and I feel less
official. You said pick up pick up the rocks right

so when I looked into one bag I had all
these rocks they were real heavy in that bag.

So then I added some more from the other bag and
put them in that bag because invalidation is so

heavy for me. I had to literally refill the bag and
I said see these little ones right here, I dealt

with rejection, I dealt with feeling used, I've
dealt with feeling disrespected, I dealt with being

judged, one thing no one ever can do is control
me, I've dealt with being attacked. That stuff

didn't hold no weight outside of invalidation and
being heartbroken so I said this one bag is going

to represent everything so every single rock
in this bag is going to represent invalidation

and being heartbroken so I'ma throw all these
rocks these little rocks right here this is

just going to be the reminder of everything
that I made it out of. You can't use me no

more, you can't disrespect me no more, you can't
reject me because I don't even hold on to that.

That is why I'm here because I, I cannot move
forward in life feeling like I'm less than.

I can't and I told Adrienne I said I'm tired
of these narcissistic people coming into my

life and Adrienne said but why? Why do you think
they coming? For the life of me I didn't get

it but I get it now why they come in my life
and it's because of this feeling of invalidation

and being just heartbroken. Like I was married
before like my mom and dad have no idea I was

married before, I hid that very well and when I
married him he was in jail. You feel invalidated

you're gonna do some crazy stuff. And
he was supposed to come home April 242010.

When he didn't come home April 24th in 2010 and
them cops literally harassed me, followed me,

pulled me over, pulled guns on us, I ain't
never in my life, felt so less than. Ever.

I didn't understand the weight
of uh invalidation until today.

I'm like now I'm like oh the rock has been
thrown therefore I can't walk in that no more.

So I got to do my little one class
to get this good degree [ladies cheering]

I got a lot to do [ladies
agreeing] but I'm gonna do it now.

[Adrienne] And we're gonna hold you
accountable and get all of us as a tribe.

I'm one of those people if I'm given a task I just
to me, I have to see it through. Like literally

I would have been the person
still out there freezing to death

holding them because I committed to doing it
so I would have just literally held them um...

I will say when we went to finally get
rid of them um the rock that I held onto

the one that I labeled
was the rejection [crying]

That was my word from earlier.
And I gave my surface answer

but I realized not right in that moment more
like after it was over that what I actually

reject is emotion, which is why I don't react
to things like other people um and It's a choice

because I associate emotion with pain not pleasure
even though I know there's pleasure in emotion.

I don't like it, I don't like going there.
This morning when I realized we were doing this

I was in the mood, I didn't want to dig.
And I apologize to anyone that noticed it.

I was very closed off uh I was present you
know and I definitely participated and none

of it was fake but I didn't go as deep as I
know I could have because I don't like this,

I don't like this. I don't like the way I feel um
when I do stuff like this. I don't even know how to

really receive it. I don't
like it. I associate emotion

with pain that's the best way I
can explain it. I don't want to attach.

It's because I'm not
allowing myself to feel it so...

I held it for a while and I let it go because I
decided that I just don't want to be that way anymore.

I want to be emotionally available.

So I can go where I'm supposed to
go and do what I'm supposed to do.

[Tamara] So I just want us to be present for
Angel at this moment and I just want you to

feel whatever you feel and know that
you're safe with us without rejection

- and know that you're okay you're safe.
- -We carry things that we are not supposed to be carrying.

When she says that sometimes we put them down and
sometimes we pick them up again because that's

our nature especially us women we we tend to be
the caregivers the the ones that take care of

everybody but themselves and we take, we tend
to be the problem solver in the house and we

carry those and take them back instead of
leaving them down and setting ourselves free.

🎵 Walk inside your strength, yeah, yeah,
don't let know one hold you back again.🎵

[Tamara] So Jondahlyn how does it feel and what does it
mean to you to be a part of the fearless storytellers?

Wow so um first of all I'd say about a year more
ago no more than a year ago I just wouldn't even

believe that I'd be in this place because um
to be a part of this movement with women who

can understand part of my story and joining with
a tribe that is fearlessly telling their story

removing the muscle - the muzzle gave me permission
to say guess what? I do have some broken parts of

my life but it doesn't make up the whole of me.
So joining the movement and being able to write it

and then share it with the world it's a freedom.
I feel like I can finally breathe. So my

- chapter in the book is called the rebound chick... The rebound chick?
- -The rebound chick... Okay.

And um it's not as most people would
suppose but in my story I really just

take you through a journey of how I grew up
a pastor's kids we were taught how to talk

how to speak how to dress how to walk and all
things were basically scripted. So I talk in the

story about how most of my life I felt like I
was on stage. I felt like I was a performer.

I felt like I had to be perfect in order to be
accepted. I learned how to be a servant leader.

I learned that everything was about serving others
but I'll be honest I was never taught to give

myself oxygen first. I wasn't taught that I was
important so what I did, I got involved in these

relationships where I thought my job was to serve
in these relationships these marriages because

I had multiple marriages two, failed marriages, I
thought that my job was to be their Jesus to save

them because I did not like all of the seasons of
my parents marriage. Once they got what they needed

they you know they were gone they didn't need me
anymore and so I was broken I didn't know what

- to do.
- -So let me ask you this because there was times when it wasn't working out right?

And you reached out to some of your sisters you
reached out to Adrienne as a matter of fact and

Adreinne simply told you, I'm not praying for this
this foolishness. I will not be participating.

- Do you remember that moment?
- -Do I remember it I'll never forget [laughing]... Talk to me about that.

So Adrienne, I reached out to Adrienne when I was in
what I call the belly of the whale. My marriage was

completely falling apart. I could not make that man
love me the way I thought that I should be loved.

And so I reached out to her now mind you when I
reached out to her not really realizing it but

I was still in that vein of being on stage you
know? No one must know that I'm a hot mess and

I'm completely falling apart and it moves me to
tears because when I think about how I reached out

to give my you know spirit-filled deeply spiritual
plea for help but even when I did that with Adrienne

I pre-wrote my speech to just pour my
heart out to her to ask for help um and for

her to serve in my life to just help pray for my
marriage to work and she shut me all the way down.

[laughing] And she said I'm not praying for
that, that's foolish. But when I tell you

after she shut me down...

and I began to pray for her,
I know that it was god because

I couldn't shake her, I couldn't shake
her, and I was like I have to reach back

out to her because I'm still dying. I
was still literally dying, I wanted to

commit to, I wanted to kill myself but I was so
spiritual but something kept leading me to her.

And I reached back and I had to allow her
to speak into my life and I know that was

god because normally I was shutting my own
mother down. She was trying to advise me

that I was operating in pride she told me that.
My mother told me you're operating in pride and

idolatry because you are worshiping this drama
this man and you would not allow god to break you.

Now it was easy to shut my mother down but
when I allowed Adrienne to speak into my life

we stayed on the phone [crying] and this is the sacrifice
she made for me which is why I love her so deeply.

And I know that she was sent straight from heaven.
She labored long with me. She stayed on that phone

and she would not let me go [crying]. I was
literally sitting in the driveway of my parents house

and it was nighttime. She stayed on the phone
with me literally from the going down of one day

to the rising of another. [Laughing] I saw the sun set
and rise again, she labored with me and she called out

all these things that my mother had already for-
told to me. She told me I needed to ask god to

forgive me for operating in pride, I needed
to go basically rededicate my life because I'm

worshiping the situation and the very god that
I ministered to the world about is the very god

- I did not believe could do it for me.
- -When I saw the opportunity to become a storyteller I thought

about the different stories that kept me engaged
and that brought life to my imagination and so I

felt that if I wrote my story in third person I
would be able to share that artistic expression

that I so enjoy myself, also as a thriver
of domestic violence I wanted to continue my

healing process in my journey and so I felt that
first person would keep me really connected to the

events that happened and so not to disassociate
myself but to just continue in that healing vein.

I felt that third person would allow me to
step outside of myself and see myself through

- the journey to continue my healing process and to encourage others to heal as well.
- -[Tamara] You call yourself

a domestic thriver and not a domestic violence
survivor. Why such a significant difference?

Yes so when I was in a survivor phase of the
situation I was just making it day to day.

I was always on edge. I was always looking over
my shoulder just trying to figure out what I

needed to do in that moment. When I was surviving
I was never fully present. I was always stressed

and that was not a way for me to live. So once I,
once I realized that I could move past that phase

I said you know what, it's time for me to live
and to thrive. So in thriving I'm able to just be

spontaneous to find joy in the situation and even
when I have to recall the details of what happened

to me I'm no longer stressed and I no longer
have the trauma in my cellular memory because

I have released it and I can continue to grow
and to bloom and to soar. Just look at yourself

and see yourself being whole because you have
children who are looking to you for their strength

however you're unable to help
anyone until you help yourself.

[music playing]

[Tamara] Good morning ladies. So last night you
guys were given an assignment and the assignment was

for you to write a letter to your sister and
the purpose of this assignment is for bonding

for women to be able to display to the
world that we can develop sisterhood

from people individuals and other women who we
don't know whom we've never met but we shared

- the same story.
- -[Mel] To my dearest sister Miss Jennie. It has been an absolute honor to have met you.

[crying] I just love your spirit because I think of you
as a butterfly. When a butterfly gets ready to leave

it's outgrown its present circumstance.
It has to struggle. It has to fidget

and it has to squirm. It has to agitate
the walls of the cocoon until eventually

the walls will break. Starting next year you are
going to begin your process of release and emerge

and I'm so excited to see the butterfly that
you're becoming I love you very much. You got this.

Dear Candice, reading your story made me
realize how much we have gone through

that are similar situations that connects us to
be relatable to each other. I always felt rejected

by my dad. Before I was born
he had my older brother

and three sisters. After all these years
I have prayed and asked god for healing.

Take refuge in his love when
those dark days come. Know that

your father is waiting for you with open arms. When
I see you, I see joy. When I see you, I see laughter.

- When I see you, I see a fearless storyteller I can call my sister.
- -Thank you so much, thank you.

I needed that so much... Dear fearless
storyteller movement sister Chelsia.

Your angle of love has come from
pure passion and pain. My heart breaks

that just like mine, your first sweetie was a
cheater. I am so sorry he had so many children

outside of your union. Thank you for giving
yourself the permission to love and love again.

When children see their mothers happy and
loved it gives them hope of a brighter future.

It allows them to see that even
after bad breakups love can prevail.

Losing a loved one is never easy especially a
spouse so I've been told. I am so sorry you were

widowed at such a young age. When you have thoughts
of negativity and defeat it's okay to talk it out

write it out and shout it out. But you do
not have permission to stay there. You do

not have permission to live there. You are more
than a conqueror. Your children are more than

conquerors. At the end of the day god is love and
your story is your glory. You are an amazing mother.

Thank you... Love you.

To my dear beloved sister Chris aka
Mama Chris. I can relate as I have

spent a great portion of my life hiding
behind the veil of shame and heartbreak

your soul and your voice was once silenced
although you were screaming to the top of

your lungs on the inside but it was as if no
one heard you. Your innocence was taken from you

and you were used even as a sex object. These
experiences took you to a deeper depth into

exclusion, into feeling like an outcast from your
family, from your friends, from your community.

The stigmas that were set by your family must
have added to those feelings of unworthiness

and low self-esteem. I want you to know
my sister that every negative secret,

sexual violation, abuse and shame, they do
not define the whole of who the beautiful you

- is. You are a part of the beautiful rainbow that makes up all of god's creation. I love you.
- -Love you too.

To my dearest sister girl, Sound Whisdom. Holy his
dominion. I'm so glad you have finally used your

voice that you have decided to stand and no
longer walk in shame of life's decisions that

carried you on this journey of healing, declaring
and decreeing, coming out of agreement with that

which was meant to destroy you and your voice.
You didn't deserve to be abused, to be used, to

be shamed. You didn't deserve for you to feel as
if love should hurt. Great men and women are born

for the time in which they are needed the most. You
are yet still here because you are needed the most.

You my sister have moved forward and
continue to allow the light of god

to shine through you. Until all have heard, Sound
Whisdom, sound glory, sound praise, sound mind,

- sound everything. You have been made whole. You my dear, have been made whole.
- -Love you... Thank you.

Dear Jondahlyn, as we discussed last night this
project introduced us to each other a little

over a year ago. I met you just two days ago and my
first impression of you was love. I feel that you

are a lover of people. Without me saying a word
our first encounter consisted of you with open arms

giving me a hug. No shade as little as you are, you
have and give hugs that are two times your size.

This to me equates your big heart. So yes sister
you are a performer, however over the last two days

in my eyes it has been a positive performance.
You bared your heart and cried tears that

equate strength. Your crazy musical ad-libs
and sayings are hilarious. Most importantly

your personality exhibits to me
that you aren't a standoffish individual.

So my sister my advice to you
and suggestion is that you keep

- performing positively. And I absolutely positively love you.
- -Awe love you, thank you.

Dear Mel, when I think of you the words that
come to mind is compassion and humility.

I think of you choosing to cry later as if
your pain was not important enough to show

but in the midst of you putting
yourself lower for others

you forgot that you cannot pour from an empty
cup. You must always, always take care of you.

Your transparency is unmatched. You never
speak as if you're going to hold anything back.

Instead you show total vulnerability. You
gave your pain and desperation a voice.

You spoke to it not allowing it to break you
even though you felt that you were very lost.

We all know that god shielded you on that day
that you felt that you didn't want to live

anymore but your free will did kick in, and even
though you saw eggs as your reason to survive,

the eggs for me symbolize something else.
Eggs do one of two things under pressure.

They can either get very hard or they can break
and become soft. After what life has shown you

you could have gotten really hard but instead you
allowed yourself to be broken open and softened up.

You use that openness and softness to finally
begin healing and also being a blessing for others.

You are such an amazing mother. I know that just
from the look in your eyes when you speak of them

whether you're talking about brownies or
using the pot it is a lot of joy when you

speak of your children. I admire that so
much about you. You are worthy of love.

You are worthy of joy. You are worthy of peace and
your sanity. Something tells me from here on out

the only tears that you will be crying
will be from joy and not pain. Love Angel.

My dearest Teresa.

Wow, you did it! You
have a global platform.

And god used your brokenness to
thrust you years into your future.

People will seek you out trying
to find out how did you do this.

I feel and see god's heart
when I hear your words.

Thank you for caring. Thank you for sharing.
Your story and everything you shared will

spring the traps of an exponential number of
women who have felt trapped, they feel trapped

waiting for god to fix someone
who doesn't even want to be fixed.

You give them hope. You are a light to a darkened
path. You help them see they can trust god with

everything they're going through. I even looked
at god's faithfulness in your battle with cancer.

You're still standing. You still got to have
your beautiful children. They are yours.

You are an amazing young lady. You are beautiful and
set apart for an amazing ground-breaking ministry.

I believe and I agree with you and
your vision to be a mother to mothers.

Finally I want to apologize to you
for every wrong you were subjected to

and had to bear and go through. I love
you. Thank you for all you do. [Crying]

To my sister Angel, the door
has opened. The place of defeat

and the you don't matters in
life have been pushed to the side.

This significant weekend has been just what you
needed to move forward forward in so many areas.

Yesterday's breakthrough was phenomenal for you.
As I watched you share with us I literally could

see the shackles being unlocked and falling
off of you. I believe it shifted your essence.

Congratulations on the start of your next
chapter. I speak strength to you. I speak

life over you and all god has for you. I speak
to the little girl who missed out on mommy.

I can relate to these feelings because my mommy
was there but she also was not always present.

Emotionally I missed her. As a woman and mother
yourself, those moments you did not receive growing

up deeply affected you though you might not have
recognized or realized it. As you signed in my book

women are amazing and resilient. How true that
is. You are living proof of those very words.

As mothers we both can lean on each other
not just for accountability but laughter

and emotional support. Congratulations on the next leg
of your journey with fearless love and faith, Chelsia.

[crying]

Mama Chris.

[laughing] oh oh.

I'm coming to you...

as a grandmother.

I'm so sorry I didn't show your mom
love and I didn't show you love.

I give you everything, every part of me I give to
you. I love you so much. I did wrong by your mom.

I wasn't fair to her. But she didn't know
my story, and you didn't get my whole story.

When I found out I was able
to speak to you about this,

I asked the lord I'm like
lord what should I do?

Now I see you wear bold jewelry. [Laughing]

But this comes from a heart of love, my
heart to your heart. You place it somewhere

where you can see it every day and you remember,
grandma loves me. You remember Chris loves you.

I can't wait for your grand-baby
to experience that same love.

That love is so deep that you have. You
have the gift of love and people need it.

People need it. I hope you receive my love.
I hope you really receive it that you

understand it's from heaven, it's a godly
thing. I love you mommy, you know it's sweetie.

Oh, oh [laughing]

Hi daughter.

As your mother,

I'm asking that you forgive me.

Forgive me. You see I,

I know that I was too busy and
I know I put a lot of things

seemed like in front of my children.

In my mind I was just trying to
make it. I was trying to survive.

And the truth be told I think I was burying
my own self from my own past as well.

So I want you to forgive me that I didn't show
you the love that you so desperately needed

and not only just the love that you
so desperately needed, the genuine,

the genuineness of a mother that was always
there for her daughter no matter what.

And I'm so sorry and ask you to forgive me
that I did not receive you for who you were.

To who god created you to be, realizing that
you were different than all my children,

and that you was a true gift and
also that you were so much like me.

So I ask you to forgive me. I
ask for you to give me another chance.

I know I may not have arrived in so many areas
but I want you to pray for me. I didn't know what

love really was so by me not knowing, I didn't know
how to give it, for real, for real I didn't know.

So I need you maybe to show me through
your children and through your grand-baby.

Because I believe and I know that you love
them and I don't want you to be like me.

I don't want you to be like me daughter,
I don't! Because you didn't deserve it!

You didn't deserve it but I didn't know
no better because I didn't know how.

You understood, and I believe you held all that
pain in for me and all the disappointments for

me, but I don't want you to do that no longer. I
want you to be free because you deserve to be free.

So from this point on I want
you to love your children.

I want you to give them what I didn't
give you. I want you to redeem the time

allow the lord to redeem the time for you as I
pray one day that you redeemed the time for me.

I need that. I need you to be in my corner, because
truth be told I feel like I have nobody in my corner.

Nobody really understands me either.
Because I do love you. I do love you.

And I believe that yet you are my strongest child. I believe
that you were my chosen child. Please forgive me. [Crying]

Wow. Dear Nikiya. Where do I begin?

Let me start by saying wow again.

You exude strength power and
determination. As I reflect on your story

I see someone who
simply wanted to be loved.

That was me.

Believe in all the lies you
were told just so we could be.

Denying the truth just to be with him.

Hanging up your
self-esteem, your self-worth,

your self-love just to be past Nikiya. The care
assuming the role of the five-minute wife believing

it was all in fun. Losing sight of you in order
not to fail. The devastation of losing your child

while he was ignoring your calls and spending
time sleeping with and impregnating other women.

Being in so much pain and turmoil
that you intended to end your life.

Sister I'm so glad that you survived. I'm glad
you regained the strength to love you again

and move away from things which didn't make
you feel good and that weren't good for you

For every heartache you endured, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that your father set you up to seek
after men who were just like him. You deserve

to be loved valued and cared for by him. I'm
sorry that you're that you ignored you for him.

I'm sorry that shame guilt and
embarrassment pushed you to the edge.

When I first read your
story I saw a pattern of me.

I can relate so much to your story all the way
down to being married to an abusive pastor.

So with that I felt your pain.

After meeting you I saw a strong determined
woman to get her soul back. I'm so proud of

you in this whole circle of wanting to be free
from heartache deception and just wanting closure.

I believe you were set free, healed
and delivered, from all the demons

that has haunted you from your past. Break.
Broken. Brokenness. Wow, what a moment.

I would never forget your transparency
in that moment where you were allowing

yourself to be broken. It was your time. It was
your time. It was your time, to be set free.

You are bold enough to go against the grain

of what the world would have said
that you would be damned to hell for.

But you did it anyway. So you set
the motion for others to speak

against that which keeps them bound.

You are a phenomenal woman, full of love,
that you have not totally released yet.

Yes I know laughing out loud
we bumped heads a little bit.

But you are my sister
that I never had. I love it.

I also love you for who you are. Love your
fearless storytelling sister, Jennie. I love you

Thank you so much. [Crying]

[Jennie] Thank you for the release
lord, thank you Jesus. [Coughing]

...[Tamara] Yes God! Yes!
[ladies chanting] [chair crashing]

[ladies chanting] [speaking in tongues]

[ladies screaming]

[chair crashing] [ladies yelling]

[ladies yelling]... [Nikiya]
Thank you! Thank you God!

We have a tagline where we say take care of
your soul and I always tell people when you're

talking about the soul it's the five areas of
the soul: The mind, the will, the imagination,

the emotion and the intellect. Sometimes we we
take care of the feeling of what happened to us

we don't actually care for the soul.

[music playing]

-[Tamara] Ladies we have come to our final exercise.
You're going to take the words that were selected

and all of the events the traumas the
tears that were attached to those words

you will now burn those in the flames.

- -I will not be controlled... I will no longer reject any emotions.
- -I will no longer be used by

- anyone. No one will put me to shame. My new affirmation is freedom.
- -The shame is gone.

- I can hold my head up high. I am no longer invalidated. I do matter.
- -I will no longer allow

the disrespect that I've experienced on many
levels to make me lose respect for myself.

I will no longer allow
myself to be attacked

- physically nor emotionally and I believe that the lord is my avenger.
- - I am not rejected. I am loved.

I will not live by the opinions of others and
allow their judgment to dictate the decisions

- of my own destiny.
- -The only one that will be able to use me is god and no one shall ever be able to

cause me to be heartbroken, with this word that
I have hidden in my heart, therefore that means

- god is within me.
- - Most importantly controlled by what others think about me when at the end of

the day it doesn't matter, it's what god says,
I have been forgiven redeemed and restored.

...I come out of agreement with being
judged. For being different. For being smart.

For I affirm I am uniquely
and wonderfully made.

[ladies cheering]

[music playing]

Hey y'all so we are back, hi! Hello
everyone! Fearless Storyteller Movement.

- Yes! Boom! Read it! Read it!
- -I don't know if you guys will ever understand

what life-changing experience this has
been... So after lumping rejected, judged,

invalidated, controlled, manipulated, disrespected,
heartbroken, used, addicted, attacked, shame, it's a fear.

I took the big black rock and I tossed it as
hard and as fast as I could. So I'm committed to

winning at all of my relationships the right
way. I am a fearless storyteller. I love me.

- The muzzle has been removed.
- -Okay hey guys it's Mel and yes I do have my popcorn because

I'm hungry and I don't like to confess
things without a little snack so.

First confession is apparently I cannot make
microwave popcorn because this is the second bag

that I burned hitting the popcorn button
on the microwave and I just don't know

where I go wrong um but I'm gonna eat it
anyway. I have no words of how god can take

a nobody and turn them into a somebody without
consulting anybody and I believe that's what he's

done with all of us. That he put us together
and he bonded us and we are sealed forever

and together we can make an amazing
impact in this world and we are

all dedicated and committed to
doing that. So yeah just excited.

🎵 keep believing, don't stop keep
achieving. Walk inside your strength.🎵