When Nature Calls (1985) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[EERIE WIND]

NARRATOR: Some say he was born
in the back of a pickup truck.

Some say it was a
highway reststop.

And some say he was
belched full-form

from the chrome exhaust
of a dead-headed semi.

But wherever he came
from, he was destined

to become hell on wheels!

[ENGINE REVVING]

It's the story of--

[GUNFIRE]



--Baby Bullets, too young,
too tough, too fast.

[ENGINE ROARING & TIRES
SQUEALING]

Aahhh!

NARRATOR: It's the
thrilling story

of a talented toddler and a gift
that would come to haunt him.

[EXCITING MUSIC]

A piston-packing hard-riding
highway-hustler in Pampers,

who didn't know when to stop.

[SIREN]

[ENGINE REVVING]

It's the story of Baby Bullets.

He'll crawl out of
his diapers and drive

right into your heart.

[TIRES SQUEALING]



[BABY SQUEALING]

His daring will amaze you.

He lived fast and loose and
grabbed love where he could.

[BABIES GURGLING]

And soon, it was the
mob that wanted him.

There's only one driver
good enough for this job.

Bring me Baby Bullets!

NARRATOR: He was the
dangerous darling of the mob.

And they called him
the Babe, the Bambino.

This infamous infant
would stop at nothing

to get what he wanted.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll take care of it
myself personally.

[BABY CRYING]

I promise.

OK, OK, just take it easy.

Take it easy.

It'll be done.

[BABY GURGLING]

Baby became the talc of the
town, until he took a powder.

He must be stopped!

Bring in the infantry!

[BUGLE & MARCHING]

[BABY CRYING]

NARRATOR: Explosive drama
so exciting you'll spit up.

[BABY COOING]

[BEEPING]

[BABY COOING]

So you won't talk, eh?

[BABY GURGLING]

Baby Bullets-- the real
story of the hot tot

the top cops hop to stop.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[BABY CRYING]

Baby Bullets-- they
couldn't hold him.

They couldn't scold him.

They couldn't even burp him.

[GUNFIRE]

[BABY CRYING]

"Baby Bullets," the only
movie that has to be

changed four times a day.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Please read this aloud.

For far too long, a very
special segment of our society

has been excluded from
the motion picture

going experience.

Now, for the first
time, the producers

are proud to present a
motion picture equipped

with blind-o-vision, to
assist our blind audience in

the enjoyment of Gena's story.

[MUSIC - PIANO]

NARRATOR: "Gena's
Story," or "On my Own,"

"By Myself," "Just me," "Alone."

WOMAN: Up yours.

NARRATOR: Finally, a
serious woman's picture.

Meet Gena, independent,
cosmopolitan,

and loving mother of two.

Meet the husband
that leaves her--

Call my secretary.

We'll have lunch.

NARRATOR: --the lover
that finds her--

Ugh!

NARRATOR: --the lover
that leaves her,

and the liver that loves her.

And introducing--

What do you want [INAUDIBLE]?

NARRATOR: --Henri Henri, as
Jacques Perrier, the other man,

every woman's dream,
bearded, tender,

and naturally sparkling.

Perrier knows how to make almost
any woman feel nearly human.

[GROANING]

Oh, oh, oh.

Oh, Jacques.

Oui.

Jacques.

Oui!

Jacques!

[HEAVY BREATHING & GROANING]

JACQUES: Oui.

Oui.

GENA: Oui, oui.

JACQUES: Yeah.

GENA: Oui, oui!

JACQUES: Oh, yeah.

[INCREASING PANTS]

Yeah, yeah.

Can I put it in
your [INAUDIBLE]?

Oh, put it in, Jacques.
JACQUES: Put it in!

Put it in!

[PANTS AND GROANS]

Oh, aahh!

NARRATOR: It's only a story.

Her loves, her lives, the
things that make her special,

make her unique, like all of us.

[LAUGHTER]

And the encounters that
send a message to all of us.

Oh man, what do
you want me to do?

I told you, I can't-- say,
w-- why, she was talking

on [INAUDIBLE] phones, right?

Cops and-- lay-- uh--
yeah-- writing, right?

Scratching.

And uh-- writing.

And it's like people
in a circle, right?

There's like four or
five people there.

I'm getting it now, right?

And uh-- more writing.

Yeah, like--

NARRATOR: "Gena's Story," a
story for this time, next time,

the time after, the time
after that, and always.

[INAUDIBLE], right?

And dancing!

And she's dancing.

Like, she's got panties on.

I'm on a roll now, right?

She's got panties on.

And like, behind in the
picture, it's like a loft, man.

And it's like pretty
floors, wood floors,

like they been sanded,
like in the last--

and it's a coffee table.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOG HOWLING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: All his life, they
said it was going to be tough.

But everything still
kept coming too easy.

Bobby, I want to tell
you something as a friend.

Yeah?

What's that?

[BLEEP] you.

[BLEEP] you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

An important new motion
picture in black and white,

from an award-winning director.

A film of the most profound
dimensions, the most moving

experience ever put on film.

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[BURPING]

You talking to me?

You [INAUDIBLE].

You got something to say to me?

Well, I got something
to say to you.

[BLEEP] you.

[BLEEP] me? [BLEEP] you.

Yeah?

[BLEEP] you!

The [INAUDIBLE] saw Fontaceli
walking down the street.

NARRATOR: "Raging
Bullshit," a picture so

profound you'll rediscover
emotions you've never had.

--[BLEEP] you and the
horse you rode in on!

Huh!

[BLEEP] me?

No, you got it wrong.

[BLEEP] you.

Martin Snorzeze's
"Raging Bullshit."

Bobby became a winner, because
he had nothing left to lose.

Bobby--

[WHISTLE]

----[BLEEP], [BLEEP],
[BLEEP], [BLEEP],

[BLEEP], [BLEEP], [BLEEP] you.

NARRATOR: "Raging Bullshit,"
the man, the moment, the movie.

[BLEEP] yooou!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[BRAKES SQUEALING]

[CAR CRASH]

[LAUGHTER]

MAN: What are you, deaf?

You [BLEEP].

[BLEEP] you!

No, [BLEEP] you. [BLEEP] you
and the horse you rode in on.

[BLEEP] you, you-- [BLEEP] you.

Van Waspishes, what you got?

Meatloaf.

How about you, O'Mally?

The usual.

Doesn't get you down, O'Mally?

Being an unimportant
part of something so big.

I mean, don't you think
there has to be something

better than this city?

Better than this job?

Better than this speech?

Sometimes, I think
about building something

for my family and me, far
away from this contained giant

they call the Big Apple.

Hey, cool it!

Here comes the foreman!

Van Waspishes, what the
hell are you doing eating?

You know you're
not supposed to be

away from the asbestos machine.

How many times I told you?

I want you to eat, drink,
and breath asbestos.

What does it take to
get through to you?

Wait a minute.

Let me try it this way.

(HIGH VOICE) Van Waspishes,
you eat asbestos,

you drink asbestos.

And if I ask you,
you sleep asbestos.

(BURLY VOICE) You got it?

Yeah, I got it.

In fact, I've had it.

I've had it up to here,
with this job, with you,

this whole stinking city.

I quit, you understand.

Take care of yourself, O'Mally.

New York, for once you're
going to listen to me.

[SIRENS & JACKHAMMER]

And one more thing--

[LOUD CITY NOISES OVER SONG]

PS, and I'm never--

[LOUD CITY NOISES OVER SONG]

Right, give me one
with everything.

[HORN]
-You got it.

[FALLING NOISE]

Greg and I worked together
for the last two years

on construction.

Now, this-- this
construction site

was definitely run by the mob.

I mean, it was organized
crime, you know?

Anyhow, uh, these
were rough guys.

I mean, really rough.

If they knew I was here right
now telling you this stuff,

they-- they'd kill me.

And they wouldn't
think twice about it.

Now first, let me
make something clear.

Greg didn't know
anything about the mob.

Greg didn't know anything.

Christ, we had to put
a label on his hammer.

Anyhow, every
morning at 9 o'clock

sharp, this bag-man-- uh--
Vinny Tanucci, he shows up.

And he goes to our
foreman, right?

Now, I never heard
anything that they said.

But, uh--
[DOOR OPENING]

--there was always passing--
DELIVERY GUY: All right.

Deli delivery.

Who gets the turkey sandwich?

[SQUAKING]

Hey, I-- I got anoth-- I
got another run. [INAUDIBLE]

And Joey Clamento
was there and--

DIRECTOR: Hey,
kiddo, watch that--

get away from the lights.
[SMASHING SOUND]

Anyway--
DIRECTOR: Watch the lights!

Hey, wait a minute!

You told me there wasn't
going to be no lights!

Come on.

[GUNFIRE]

MAN (ON INTERCOM): --are there
to stop shopping cart theft.

They are there for
your convenience.

The metal poles
outside the supermarket

are there to stop
shopping cart theft.

They are there for
your convenience.

MAN (ON INTERCOM): --Elu
Belictor, Dr. Elu Belictor,

please report to salad surgery.

Dr. Elu Belictor.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, baby.

Take a look, baby.

Take a good look, baby.

[BOWLING BALL ROLLING]

[BOWLING PINS SCATTERING]

Baby, baby, baby, hey!

Ba--

MAN (ON INTERCOM): Attention
editor, attention editor,

will the editor please come
to the dentist in aisle 5.

Thank you.

Pardon me.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

We just ran out at the office.

I've got a root
canal in 15 minutes.

Special today, only $1.79.

Also, the pharmacy
department special.

For your housewives, it's
valium at three for $1.

And the family
special, quaaludes,

all-you-can-eat for $3.75.

[BELL RINGING]

WOMAN (ON INTERCOM):
Check out lanes

3, 4, and 5 are backed up and--

You know, Millie, I've
been noticing recently,

food just doesn't taste
the same any more.

I don't know.

It's not as fresh or something.

Maybe I'm wrong.

But I really worry about
my family's health.

I mean, all the
sugar and chemical

preservatives
they're forcing you

to eat cannot be good for you.

No, I guess not,
Mrs. Van Waspishes.

Do you have anything
smaller, Mrs. Van Waspishes?

How about if I fold it in two?

That's a good one,
Mrs. Van Waspishes.

[LAUGHS] Thank you.

So long, Millie.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

What?

Did you break up
this pound of butter?

You sick-- now, go put
it back where it belongs.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

(SINGING) to get to aisle six--

No, don't push all right.

-[MOANING]
-Come on.

Hang in there.
Hang in there.

Did we make it?

Will we make it?

What do you mean, no?

[SINGING]

[INTERPOSING VOICES]

MAN (ON INTERCOM): Metal
poles outside the supermarket,

are there to stop
shopping cart theft.

They are there for
your convenience.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I greased the old
man $1,000 and his kid

five Reggie Jacksons.

BAMBI: Want to party?

Nicki, sweetheart, I told you,
they're paying $5,000 a head

for white women in Juarez.

I know, I know.

Last year, we got $6,000.

But the peco is surging.

Come on, Teddy, let's party.

LITTLE BILLY: Look, just
give the babes to the border,

and I'll take it from there.

BAMBI: Yeah, oh, Teddy!

Uh, excuse me, Bambi.

Would you hold it down?

Some of us are trying
to work over here.

Why don't you grow up?

Don't be a jerk,
it's deductable!

Beside, name me one 11-year-old
that gets sent up on tax fraud.

Am I right?

Daddy, Mommy!

Daddy, Mommy!

Bambi, Little Billy, I've
got something to tell you.

[RECORD SCREECHING]

Your father's gone crazy.

You remember your father?

Now, I want you to
listen very carefully

to what he has to say.

I did.

And it didn't make any
sense to me at all.

Maybe you can do better.

Greg.

Kids, your mom and I
love each other very much.

[WHIMPERING]

Grow up, mister!

Your mom and I have
been doing some talking.

And I've got wonderful
news for you.

We're going on an adventure.

How would you like to wake up
to the sound of chirping birds?

To look out the
window and see fields

of wild flowers and clover?

[LOUD MOTOR]

How would you like to drink--

[SIREN]

--pure fresh air?

And breathe crystal clear water?

What I'm trying to say
is that, from now on, you

don't have to worry about
crime, pollution, junk foods,

loud rock-and-roll music,
X-rated movies, or drug pushers

ever again.

Kids, we're leaving the city.

And we're moving out
to the wilderness!

[WIND BLOWING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUFFLED SHOUTING]

BOY: Look, a deer.

This is great, isn't it?

Come on.

Up and out.

Isn't this great?

Just look at those mountains.

Take it all in.

That's it.

Didn't I tell you this?

The great outdoors.

We're here at last.

You got to leave
the kids in the car.

Don't lose the ticket.

Pay as you leave.

[RADIO PLAYING]

GREG (VOICEOVER): Our
adventure had begun.

I hadn't seen such
wild and untamed beauty

since the Gabor sisters sang
"Let's Get Physical" on Merv.

It didn't take a
genius to see we

needed a roof over
our heads, and we all

pitched in to make it happen.

Well, this is the big moment.

What do you think?

Huh?

GREG (VOICEOVER):
And darned if we

soon didn't have a fine little
cabin to show for our efforts.

And a 17 and 3/4 percent
floating mortgage, and just

a quarter of it.

There was hard work, but there
were also the good times.

Time for fun and relaxation.

[WHISTLE]

Come on, kids!

Greg, come on.
It's time to come in.

GREG (VOICEOVER): Especially
after Mom vacuumed

and chlorinated the lake,
and installed that Electric

Poolmaster surface cleaner.

I rediscovered something I
had forgotten-- animals were

attracted to me, and for some
strange and magical reason,

felt no fear when
they were around me.

Animals just plain liked me.

[ANIMAL CRIES]

MAN: Mr. Amsterdam, we're trying
to find out why the family

moved to the wilderness.

Could you tell us a
little bit about, uh--

Greg?

Yes, I remember Greg.

I remember a lot of thing
you'd be amazed, little things

that people forget.

Like, uh, how many of
us remember that Eleanor

Roosevelt had great tits?

Or how many people stopped to
realize that if things continue

the way they are, in
10 years from today,

Czechoslovakia will
still be hard to spell?

Little things, like, uh, the
man who walks in the men's room,

and there's a hole in the
wall, and there's a little sign

over it, says put
your prick in here

and we do for you
what your wife does.

So he put his
prick in there, and

somebody sewed a button on it.

BILLY: Back to the Earth?

Bullshit.

Come on.

Selling the house and moving
the family out to the wilderness

was my idea.

Look, sweetheart, Look,
sweetheart, in the bracket Greg

was in, he couldn't live
in the city anymore.

He would have gotten
killed in taxes.

Hey, did you see
his return last year

before I got a hold of him?

It's a joke.

So I sat down with
him, and I told

him to move out to the woods.

You can appreciate everything.

Trees, possums, the works.

Clarissa, honey, be a
doll and get ma coffee.

Sweet and light, all right?

Listen, pal, can
I ask you if you

happened to noticed
if Greg saved

the gas and toll receipts?

From LA?

OK, right away.

Hang on, will ya, babe?

GREG (VOICEOVER):
And I'm here to tell

you that old lady mother nature
even worked her charms on me.

I was feeling a new
vitality-- a vitality

I hadn't felt in years.

The mountains, and
all that hard work

brought out something
in me, and I loved it.

But unbeknownst to me, there
was a strange, unseen watcher

in the woods-- a watcher whose
very presence would have struck

fear into the heart of any
red blooded American male.

But the most rewarding
thing for me as a father

was to see how naturally
my children adjusted

to life in the wilderness.

You're a big one, aren't you?

[ELEPHANT ROARING]

Well, it was nice to meet you,
but I have to be going now.

Have a nice day.

Sorry.

Mother told me never to
go out with circus people.

Besides, who knows
where that thing's been?

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.
Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Check it out.

Well, the Russian revolution,
the whole of Europe

was affected by it.

You know, Lenin, he was
living in Switzerland,

so whenever you felt
like, you dropped in,

you had coffee and cake
for nothing, practically.

For nothing.

In the summer, of
course, we went in

for the air conditioning.

So the girl says to
the doctor, doctor,

what is a phallic symbol?

He said, you're kidding.

She said no, I don't know,
what's a phallic symbol?

He take his pants down,
he points to himself,

and he says, you see,
that's a phallic symbol.

Oh, she said, just like
a cock, only smaller.

MAN: Mr. Amsterdam, what--

[ROARING]

[BARKING]

Squirt?

Go get help!

[BARKING]

Oh, you're hurt, you poor dear.

All right, OK!

I'm sorry!

Oh, you're hurt, you poor bear.

GREG (VOICEOVER):
I guess Bambi just

naturally inherited her helping
and healing ways from her mom.

Don't be afraid.

I won't hurt you.

Let me see your pa.

GREG (VOICEOVER):
And it wasn't long

before she'd taken that
thorn out of the bear's paw,

and found herself a new friend.

Now, I bet that feels better.

I'll bet you're a Capricorn.

How do you like that?

GREG (VOICEOVER):
And it was obvious

that that old bear had
taken quite a shine

to our little girl.

My diagnosis was the
daughter was suffering

from a classic case of
arthogenetic transference,

and that clearly the pathology
lay with the entire family.

I wanted to treat them together.

Take on the whole
family's neurosis.

Man [INAUDIBLE], I said.

I'll cure any psychosis,
anytime, anyplace, anywhere.

I'll meet them at
my office, Madison

Square Garden, the Olympic
Auditorium, Tokyo, Japan.

Anywhere.

You know what I'm talking about?

I try to tell each person I
fix-- Bambi, the daughter,

displayed severe confusion
in her sexual role

model identifications.

The family began to
resist my treatment.

I couldn't believe it.

Look, I said, I'll
get you on a couch

and reshape your cognitive
perceptions so you can't tell

it from your super-ego system.

I'll take the id and
put it where the ego is,

and by the time I get through
arranging your id and your ego,

you won't know which end is up.

Then if you still haven't
stopped supplementing,

I'll print you all a--

[SHOUTING]

Look!

Look, you pencil-necked geeks!

I was the inter-collegiate
psycho-analytic champion,

in the welterweight division.

And I've got the belt
here to prove it.

If I were to take
this gold and melt

it down, all you [INAUDIBLE]!

Greg?

I thought you might be
getting a little hungry.

Oh, thanks, dear.

That looks-- [GULPING]
Oh, here come the kids.

(SINGING) We're
the Outdoorsters!

The Outdoorsters!

We live in a forest free.

Oh, we tell tall tales
and we scale tall trees.

We're the Outdoorsters family.

We're the Outdoorsters,
the Outdoorsters.

Living out in the wild.

[SINGING CONTINUES]

GREG (VOICEOVER): In
the light of the night,

even the animals'
thoughts turn to romance.

And if you listened real
hard, you could even hear

their plaintive mating calls.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC]

[ANIMAL CHATTERING]

Uh-oh.

Oh, no!

GREG (VOICEOVER): I knew
right away that was no animal.

It was another human being,
and he needed help-- fast.

[BARKING]

Squirt.

Go get help, boy.

Squirt.

Squirt?

Squirt?

No, no, no.

I'm a friend.

Friend.

Friend.

Ah!

GREG (VOICEOVER): I
could see plain as day

that this fella had a
broken leg, and maybe

also, a-- a Wounded Knee.

Oh, boy, you're hurt, fella.

GREG (VOICEOVER):
The only thing to do

was to drag him back to
camp, where we could get

him proper medical attention.

You wait here.

I go get help.

What?

What is it?

Ah!

You're crazy.

Ah!

[GRUNTING]

GREG (VOICEOVER): From
his Blue Cross card,

we learned his name was
Weejun, a proud brave.

He wanted to thank us
for saving his life.

He wanted to teach
us about the woods.

He wanted to charge us
$125 for a three week mini

course called Wilderness 101.

He showed us the
woods, and the wild,

dangerous, and unpredictable
animals who call it their home.

[SHOUTING]

GREG (VOICEOVER):
He also taught us

about how the Indians, the
children of the wilderness,

entrap their prey.

This is just a small
token of our thanks.

And there's more
where that came from.

Just remember us on the hill.

[SIREN]

NARRATOR: This is only a test.

Repeat, this is only a test.

We interrupt this movie in
compliance with the president's

new Nuclear Preparedness Act.

The following rules have been
formulated by a government

panel of nuclear
experts to give you,

the theatergoer, maximum
protection in case

of an all out nuclear war.

Note-- in the event of
an actual nuclear blast,

the film is likely to seem out
of focus for a few minutes.

Please, bear with us.

Rule number one--
choose an aisle captain.

Send him to the basement of
this theater, where he will find

emergency medical
supplies, water,

and drums of dehydrated
Raisinettes and Jujubes.

Two, feel underneath your seat.

You will feel sticky
pink and green nodules.

These nodules should
inflate at first detection

of lethal radiation.

They will form a
long lasting sugar

filled survival
bubble, protecting

both you and your family.

Three, retain your ticket stub.

Four, observe smoking,
no smoking sections.

If your skin or clothing
begins to burn, please,

be considerate of others.

And finally, five--
do not panic.

Remember, a calm and
cooperative attitude

is your best defense
against a 40 million

ton killer blast of
radioactive explosives.

GREG (VOICEOVER): And he showed
us the delicate and patient art

of Indian fishing-- catching
fish with your hands,

without the use of
rod and reel, or bait.

I got one!

I got a fish!

Whoa!

Where's Billy?

Look!
There he is!

Look!

Look!

GREG (VOICEOVER): Two minds
reaching across the centuries,

across totally
different cultures,

trying to share, striving to
communicate, against all odds.

Wa wa.

Winnebago.

Gee, I wish we spoke Kaopetate.

He knows so much
about the woods.

There's so much we could learn.

What your friend
Weejun is trying to say

is that in nature,
as in life itself,

there's a natural
bonding process.

Science tells us that
different animals enjoy

each other's company,
and the social settings,

like the old
neighborhood watering

hole or a nearby field,
are ideal settings

for their frolicking.

And this inter-species
teasing and game playing

is just one more
example of the harmony

we humans can learn
from the animal world.

But also, there
is the other side.

There is a strict
hierarchy in the wild,

and not all creatures are lucky
enough to survive the ruthless

life and death struggles.

Violence flexes its ugly muscles
all too often in the wild.

Those animals
didn't fare too well

from that violent encounter.

But how about that watch?

Well, unbeknownst
to the animals,

we had this watch strapped
to one of their paws.

Still ticking.

Amazing, isn't it?

Those may be ordinary animals,
but that's no ordinary watch.

The pigeon was blasted,
but not the watch.

It always survives.

In fact, it's been
tested around the globe,

and many of those
tests are exciting.

On the fist of a diver
off the cliff in Acapulco.

On the pontoon of a seaplane
landing in the waves.

On the tip of a ski in the snow
covered mountains to the west.

On a clay pigeon blasted by a--

[RADIO CHATTER]

GREG (VOICEOVER): We
were like tourists

in a foreign land-- sightseers,
and Weejun was our guide.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

GREG (VOICEOVER): Then there
were the birds and the bees.

Weejun surprised us.

Like Barb and I, he had a mature
and open attitude about s-- s--

S-E-X. And we learned
that although there were

many differences between
Weejun's culture and our own,

we had similar views about
sexuality and, uh, prejudice.

Oh, well I love scuba diving.

As a matter of fact, I was
diving in Bermuda not long ago.

Really?

Yeah.

50 feet under the water.

Me, swimming around, my
outfit with the oxygen tank.

I ran into a friend of mine,
also 50 feet under the water,

had no scuba diving
equipment on at all.

I said, Sam, my god,
what are you doing

down here 50 feet
under the water

without scuba diving equipment?

He said, schmuck, I'm drowning.

GREG (VOICEOVER):
Even at night, Weejun

took us out into the wild.

MAN: Jesus.

Oh, hey!
Get out of here.

Sorry.

Excuse me.

What's going on up there?

It's a stag film.

Hey, yo, down in front.

Kind of makes you want
to do something, huh?

Yes, it does.

Well?

What are you waiting for?

You hunk a buck, you.

Hey, get out of the way.

Get out of the way!

GREG (VOICEOVER):
And finally, we learn

how Weejun's people grew food.

Hey, this looks like corn.

What do you call it?

Maize.

Get your souvenirs right here.

Willie Mays, right here.

Right here.

Hey, hey.

Keep up the good, little Billy.

All right, Willie.

Souvenirs, right here.

Willie Mays, souvenirs.

Not that way.
This way.

Come on, let's go this way.

GREG (VOICEOVER): Weejun had
an uncanny sense of direction.

Even though little
Billy was skeptical,

Weejun explained that an
Indian has about as much chance

of getting lost in the woods as
a fish forgetting how to swim.

Not that way.

This way.

Come on, let's go this way.

Asshole.

[BEEPING]

BILLY (OVER LOUDSPEAKER):
Lost in the woods?

Tired?

Hungry?

Wandering aimlessly
for hours through

hostile, uncharted terrain?

Well, Little Billy's
Survival Corporation

is here to help you.

How much would you expect to
pay for a rescue service? $10?

$20?

$50?

For a limited time only,
like until it gets dark,

and the meat eaters come out,
little Billy offers you rescue

at an unbelievably low $0.25.

That's right, for one thin
quarter you'll be rescued

and guided to your doorstep.

Lost in the woods?

Put your faith in some asshole
who couldn't find his way out

of a telephone booth?

Tired?

Hungry?

Wandering aimlessly for
hours through hostile--

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Yes!

Yes!

BILL: I can't get
those Icecapades

tickets you asked for.

Wrong line?

This is Bill?

Hang on, OK, babe?

GREG (VOICEOVER):
I must admit, Mom

and I were real proud of
the way our little Billy was

adapting to wilderness life.

He almost seemed like
a new person-- relaxed

and more content than we
had seen him at any time

since gold hit $800 an ounce.

MAN (VOICEOVER): Dear Mr.
Little Billy, the Environmental

Protection Agency regrets to
inform you that your request

to pave over 125,000 acres
of natural forest land

has been denied.

However, we are anticipating
the quick passage

of the president's
new National Wildlife

and Resources Preservation
Act, at which time

we would be happy to work with
you in paving over this area.

Until then, I remain
sincerely-- whoa!

Oh my gosh.

Squirt, go get help!

Get help!

Watch out!

You can take him.

He can take him!

Pin his tail!

Pin his tail!

Squirt, you brought help!

Quit, dog!

Quit!

Are you crazy, honey?

Now, I do floors,
and I do laundry.

I cleans kitchens,
and I do ironing,

but I positively draw
the line at cougars.

I told the agency, I
don't do no cougars.

Now I need car fare, and who's
going to drive me to the bus?

Watch out for his teeth!

Rip his hair out!

Come on, Weej.

Get down.

NARRATOR: The Legion of
Decency and the United Citizens

for a Better Tomorrow
have determined

that continuous exposure
to films of this nature

may be hazardous to your health.

We request you stay in your
seats and bear with us.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[APPLAUSE]

NARRATOR: Ladies and
gentlemen, Watergate celebrity,

Mr. G. Gordon Liddy.

You know, the human
will is an amazing power.

Cities have been
built, mountains

moved-- the entire
course of history

has been changed
through sheer will.

But there are some things that
even will is powerless against.

For some unfortunate people,
all of them in the world

can't make them
like everyone else.

I'd like to talk to
you about a disease

that can strike anyone, of any
age, at any time, any place.

This year I've been
asked to co-chair

the fund-raising
drive for the Society

for the Prevention
of Jerry Lewis.

Most of you are probably
thinking, Jerry Lewis?

I thought they cured
that years ago.

But the sad truth is Jerry Lewis
was never completely wiped out.

He's been neglected for
years, and the disease

is spreading again.

Complacency and ignorance
are our biggest enemies.

In the early stages
of JL simplex,

the stricken laugh at
old Jerry Lewis movies.

Soon its victims are spending
the entire Labor Day weekend

in front of the television,
watching the telethon--

helpless, unable to sleep.

Too scared they're going to
miss the part where Jerry cries.

It's not a very
pretty thought, is it?

Worse, left untreated, the
latter stages of JL simplex

can become much,
much more serious.

I didn't mean to drive the
whole truck on your foot,

because that's why I
was going that way.

I'll tell ya-- no, I'm
not going anywhere.

Come on.

Jerry.

Jerry.

Yeah, I'm not Dave.

Please, give me my kids.

Please.

Hey!

Frock inspector.

[INAUDIBLE]

For you, Miss Harvey.

Hey, buddy, look--

Most important thing is,
Miss Purdy, to like yourself.

That's what's most important.

Right now there is no known
cure for this awful condition.

It could strike you--
even your children.

We need money for research.

We've got to stay
ahead of the Russians,

so please, when the ushers
come down the aisle,

please give generously.

Give till it hurts.

Give before it's too late.

We've already lost France.

[BELL RINGING]

NARRATOR: Old
prejudices die hard.

Cancer-- say it.

It won't bite you.

After all, isn't cancer just
another way of saying growth?

And isn't growth what
America is all about?

GREG (VOICEOVER): A message
in the public interest,

funded by the National
Tobacco Institute,

Asbestos Growers of
America, People For PCB,

microwave manufacturers,
the Diet Soda institute,

the Brotherhood of Bacon
Curers, the Nondairy Creamer

Association, Friends
of Red Dye #2,

the State of New Jersey
Oral Contraceptive League--

[BELL RINGING]

Whoa.

Oh, yes!
Oui!

Oui!

Hello, Chicago?

That's right.

I want 5 to 1 on the cougar,
and make it a C note.

Hiya!

Hold all bets.

Get him!
He's a wimp!

He's a wimp!

No!

No, Squirt!

Shh!

Squirt, come back!

Squirt, come back.

Hey, Squirt.

Come back.

GREG (VOICEOVER): It was a close
call, but luckily both little

Billy and Weejun had escaped
that brush with death.

As for the cougar, we were
sure he'd learned his lesson,

and wouldn't soon
mess with us again.

Needless to say, the family
took brave little Squirt's

disappearance very hard.

And in the months that followed,
we searched fruitlessly

for our furry little friend.

And after a while, even
little Billy gave up.

He would never again
believe in miracles.

We learned that all
wounds heal with time.

That life must go on, and that
if you break it, you bought it.

Spring came, and
with it new hope.

For Bambi, it would be
that special spring--

that spring that must happen
in every young girl's life.

Oh, really?

Oh!

Oh.

Oh, really?

16, 17, 18.

God, I've got cramps already.

You don't-- you're not a woman.

I hope you won't tell anyone.

I have my reputation to
look after, you know?

[KNOCKING]

[ANIMAL CRIES]

You're supposed to
be a classy hotel.

Mr. Amsterdam--

I got upstairs, and I
called down the clerk,

I said, hey, I got
a leak in the sink.

He says, go right ahead.

The customer's always right.

Talk-- what about Greg?

But I guess everything
worked out all right.

The family in the--

40 years we've been married.

She laughs at everything I do.

I guess that's why we
only have two children.

GREG (VOICEOVER): Mom had been
putting her time to good use.

She started to grow organic
food every bit as good

as the food she used
to buy in the city.

Hi, Weejun!

GREG (VOICEOVER): Weejun's leg
had healed pretty good by now,

and sadly, the time had come for
him to go back to his people.

Weejun began to prepare a
special ceremonial dinner.

It was touching to
see how much Weejun

meant to the local
animals, as they

came by to say their goodbyes.

Soup's on.

Come and get it.

You may say grace
tonight, Bambi.

Thank you for the
birds and the trees.

Thank you for the honey bees.

Thank you for the marshy bogs.

Thank you for soft, hollow logs.

Thanks for furry hugs so tight.

Thanks for grizzly
claws at night.

Thanks for giving me the luck--
I finally found a bear to--

Uh, that's fine, Bambi.

Fine.

Uh, Weejun has asked us to join
him in a toast tonight of his,

uh, tribe's ritual potion.

[NON-ENGLISH SPEECH]

We are here to
pay tribute tonight

to a truly remarkable, unwashed
red man we like to call Weejun.

[APPLAUSE]

Hey, Weejun, buddy.

Glad you could make it.

I'd like now the
opportunity to turn

the dais over to another
wonderful, wonderful man.

A man who's a lover of wild
things in his own right.

A man who needs no
introduction, Mr. Myron Cohen!

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you very much.

You're very kind.

It's great to play
the mountains again,

but tonight we're
here to honor Weejun.

Hey, Weejun.

How are ya?

Or should I say, how?

Hey, you ever sit down
and talk to this guy?

He's the original sitting bull.

But I want to tell
ya, Weejun, we've got

a fantastic surprise for you.

Believe me, there are a group
of your wonderful friends

who come out of the woods
just once a year to entertain

you and your guests.

I want you to meet them,
the first Americans.

(SINGING) A story
I remember about

a little Indian boy who had a
bow and arrow as his only toy.

He was as strong as a beaver--

Get down, Weej.

Wait, Weej.

(SINGING) But
that was long ago.

Long ago.

Long ago.

Weejun?

He's calling himself Weejun now?

His name is Eugene.

He thinks he's a savage?

I know, I grew up with him.

The kid's a sissy.

The most savage thing
he ever did was he

ordered red wine with fish.

We got this cigar store
in the Bronx, you know?

Family business.

And, uh, Eugene starts
going Indian on me.

He starts taking, uh, beads
and trinkets, and stuff.

Suddenly money's not
good enough anymore.

So I get this idea.

I say, uh, listen, go out,
pose in front of the store.

You know, maybe it's
good for business.

He says no.

He doesn't even say no.

He grunts.

Suddenly we're not
talking the same language.

For

GREG (VOICEOVER):
Rising before the rest

of us, Weejun began his solitary
preparation of his tribe's

ancient ritual of departure.

Coney Island.

Jane.

[SHOUTING]

[CHANTING]

Come on, you want
spraypaint all over you?

Hey Weej, so long.

Come on, smile, or else I'll
take a spraypaint can to ya.

Smile.

[CHANTING "HOW YA DOING?"]

[CHANTING "DALAI LAMA"]

[CHANTING]

[CHANTING "STOP ALREADY"]

Oh, yeah.

There's one thing I
forgot to tell ya.

The cougar's back,
and he's pissed!

It was the easiest thing
for the family to lay

all their problems on Cougie.

I mean, the cougar.

To tell you the truth, before
I started dating Cougie,

I'd heard all the stories, too.

But Cougie ain't like that.

He's a real gentleman.

Knows how to treat a lady.

Anyway, this Indian,
Weejun, jumps out of nowhere

and attacks Cougie with a knife.

Cougie was asleep at the time.

Well, maybe he was pacing.

But he wasn't stalking.

No way.

Cougie told me himself,
he wasn't stalking.

Look, he may be a
carnivore [INAUDIBLE],

but he ain't no liar.

Cougie, if you're
watching, maybe

you could find room in that big
heart of yours to forgive me?

I love you, Cougie.

And I guess I always will.

And Cougie?

I'm really sorry I wore
the fur coat that night.

Please take me back.

[BLOWING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hoo.

Hoo?

[BEEP]

[BLEATING]

[SHOUTING]

The following is a public
service announcement.

Hi, my name is Stanley
Seagal O'Matthew.

Little Timmy Lee, you know,
he's never had the advantages

your son has had.

He's never heard an oncoming
express subway train.

He's never had a slice of
day old, reheated pizza.

But for boys like
Timmy, and you know

there are literally
thousands of them,

we can change all of that.

We can send this boy to
the city for the summer,

and give him a chance to
play with open fire hydrants.

Give him a chance to play those
real loud, horrible radios

late at night.

There's a way to help.

Thanks very much, Luke.

Send your money to
the Open Hydrant Fund.

For little Timmy's sake.

I ain't never seen
a transvestite.

GREG (VOICEOVER):
I hate to admit it,

but I was beginning to
sense trouble in paradise.

The hardship of
wilderness living

had apparently begun to
take its toll on my family.

And what with the disappearance
of Squirt, and Weejun's

leaving-- well,
the wife and kids

just didn't seem to be
having as much fun anymore.

I, of course, knew better.

This was just a phase they were
going through-- a bad storm

to be weathered.

A bone in an otherwise
perfect turkey dinner.

MOM (VOICEOVER): What?

Are you crazy?

What are you talking about?

This hasn't been any
fun from the beginning.

We just did it for you.

BAMBI (VOICEOVER): Wise up, Dad.

Except for the bear, this
woods shit is a drag.

BILLY (VOICEOVER): Whose kids
are you trying to kid, Dad?

You're just trying
to supplement cause

you can't get it on with Mom.

GREG (VOICEOVER): Now
wait a minute, son.

That's no way to
speak to your father.

Well, I just think you
haven't given it enough time.

EVERYONE (VOICEOVER): We've been
here two years, and we hate it!

GREG (VOICEOVER): Well,
search your hearts

and give me one honest reason
for not trying it a bit longer.

BILLY (VOICEOVER): What
about the, uh, killer cougar?

GREG (VOICEOVER):
Don't be ridiculous.

That cougar's been
taught a lesson already.

He wouldn't attack us.

Why should he want
to attack us now?

Look, don't worry
about the cougar.

Forget the cougar.

No one worry about the cougar.

Now, I'm still the
father around here,

and I'm just asking you,
please, bear with me.

[EVERYONE OOH-ING]

GREG (VOICEOVER): Very funny.

[CRASHING]

[DOORBELL]

What was that?

I don't know.

[FARTING NOISE]

Probably just the wind.

[FARTING NOISE]

I don't know what it is.

But let's all pray it's
been eating correctly.

Do you think it'll come back?

[CRASHING]

It must be the cougar.

Quick, we don't have
a second to lose.

Bambi, grab a wet towel,
put on your gloves,

and get under that bed.

Billy, grab that door, guard
that broom, and make it snappy.

Barb, I want that tit
in this hand, and fast.

Now move it.

I've got an idea.

Let's throw out little Billy.

That'll appease it.

Get lost, ya puke.

I bet it's that dumb
bear of yours coming

back for sloppy seconds.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?

Now, now, kids, we
haven't got time.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah!

We've all got to pull together.

The cougar!

The cougar!

The cougar!

It's not the cougar.

Who else would have a motive?

Who else would have a motive?

It's our little Squirt!

Don't shoot!

You can't kill him!

Don't shoot!

Don't shoot!

But he's not the
same dog anymore.

He's been in the woods too long.

He's as wild as that cougar now.

He's crazed, he's raving.

He's totally out of control.

Shoot him!

Shoot him!

Waste him!

Waste the sucker!

Splatter his brains
all over that porch!

GREG (VOICEOVER): We were lucky
to have survived that night.

We owed our lives to
that tranquilizer gun,

and to the tranquilizer darts
I had brought from the city.

Hey, Squirt.

It's good to see you feeling
like your old self again.

What do you want, old boy?

Ah.

I'll bet you I know.

I'll get you a treat.

Here you go, boy.

I give up, Squirt.

What do you want?

GREG (VOICEOVER): It was easy to
see what little Squirt wanted.

And I had more than
enough tranquilizer darts

to keep him high for years.

As I prepared to
give Squirt his dose,

I couldn't help but think of
the awesome power of the gun,

and those tranq darts.

Just the knowledge that such a
weapon could totally immobilize

a wild dog, or kill a cougar,
or a full breasted American

female, made my blood run hot.

One well-placed dart would
leave her defenseless,

helpless, unable to resist.

It gave me new hope,
and there wasn't a court

in the country that
would prosecute a husband

for trying to get away with--

Greg, I've got
wonderful news for you.

We've been talking it over,
and we've changed our mind.

We've decided we
like the wilderness.

And we want to
settle here for good.

Oh, no.

What's wrong, Dad?

Greg, what's the matter?

Greg?

Get inside.

Start packing.

We can't live here anymore.

We're going back
where we came from.

Right now.
-Why?

What's wrong?

Greg, what do you mean?

Greg?

Look.

[CITY SOUNDS]

Are you sure it's
absolutely new?

No.

It does have a nice view, dear.

Are they going to
put in a bathroom?

A bathroom?

What's that?

Oh, throw a bathroom in.

[INAUDIBLE]
All tile.

Beautiful.

Oh, and speaking of my wife--

No, don't speak of your wife.

You know, a lot of guys
kid about their wives.

Not me.

I've got my wife who's a doll.

Hey, Mr. Am--

Little effeminate,
but such a nice girl.

-We're here to talk about Greg--
-Little things, like--

Hey, Amsterdam, listen!

The morning after
we got married,

she said, sweetheart, I
got a confession to make.

Just keep-- Yeah, get
his agent on the phone.

The guy's a wash up.

Let's get out of
this place, and fast.

Wait up.

Come on, Barb.

Move it.

Come on, Ma!

We'd like our car.

Which car is that?

The Brown '80 Impala Wagon.

Have you got the ticket?

Ticket?

I don't have the ticket.

I gave it to you.

To me?

You never gave me any ticket.

Hey, look, we
don't have a ticket.

Hey, don't you remember us?

No.

I am sorry.

No ticket, no car.

Well, what do we do now?

RADIO: And coming this fall,
it's Greg, Barb, Bambi, Squirt,

and little Billy van Waspishes
in Forever Outdoorsters,

The Saga Continues.

Like hell it is!

RADIO: And all their friends
on exciting new adventures.

You didn't sign a
sequel deal, did you?

RADIO: See them
overcome every obstacle.

Are you kidding?
Did you read that script?

My agent laughed in their faces.

We haven't even
gotten the meeting yet.

Besides, I just got a continuing
gig on a soap for real.

RADIO: And there's more!

See Barb and Greg make
whoopie under the stars as--

I can't do this.

I'm booked to do Nora
and the Dollhouse

in two weeks at the
Melville Dinner Theatre.

RADIO: Coming next spring,
it's the Outdoorsters

in Outdoorstermania!

The ticket.

All right!

Now we'd like our car.

Which car was that?

Brown '80 Impala station wagon!

All right, all right.

Don't tip him more than 10%.

He doesn't deserve it.

[ENGINE STALLING]

RADIO: Like I was
saying, it's the family

you love to love, in
their exciting new feature

presentation,
Endless Outdoorsters.

And, coming next spring,
it's the Outdoorsters

in Outdoorstermania.

The following fall you'll
see Beyond the Belly

of the Outdoorsters, The
Ultimate Trip, and two

years from next Tuesday
it's an Outdoorsters first

when Bebop goes natural
in Outdoorster Me Tender.

I don't suppose you happen
to know anything about this?

RADIO: Of a sensous
while, mother nature's

naughty nymphetes,
teenage Outdoorster girl.

Be there when the
Outdoorsters see the light

in Born Again Outdoorster,
introducing the new bear

discovery, Gentile Ben.

You won't want to miss it.

And there's more!

You'll want to be around
for the prestigous line up

of Outdoorster epics for
the 1990s and beyond.

Put on your dancing shoes,
cause the Dancing Doorsters

are coming at ya with
Out-Disco-Doorsters

in the toe-tappingest
time you've ever had.

Hear the movie, see the
album, buy the t-shirt.

Use the ashtray.

It's the Outdoorsters in
Merchandising Forever.

And there's more--

NARRATOR: Grizzly played
by Sanishlov Nucho.

Racoon, Francoise Lebec.

The Moose, Rabbi
Chaim Ben Vereen.

Special thanks to
the Electro-Shock

Animal Training Workshop.

10,000 Volt animal prod provided
by Stunt Bears Unlimited.

Fish underear by River
Gills Wetshop Limited.

Manure carting, Brown
and Rich Chocolate

Putting Company inc.
Urban guerrillas

trained by Che Guevera.

The [INAUDIBLE].

And Jerry Mathers as The Beaver.

Location butcher,
Ralph 17 Point Meats,

devouring and gutting custom
cuts of [INAUDIBLE], grinding

and filleting by Butcherama,
soup bones by Michelle, roast

and chop, special
tonight, prime rib sliced

to perfection, just choice.

New York strip steak, $7.95.

Ala carte, $9.95.

Surf and turf, $12.50.

Sour cream on baked
potato, $0.25 extra.

Coffee, tea, and beverage,
and choice of dessert.

No animals were hurt in the
making of this motion picture.

Uh, except maybe a fish.

This film is dedicated to
Tony Zitto, stunt fish.

He swumeth against the current.

Twere all that he knew.

Sir William Blake.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Good, great.

They gave us an R.

NARRATOR: What do
you want from me?

Forget about that.

NARRATOR: We've kissed
the kid audience

and the TV sale goodbye.

NARRATOR: Look, relax.

Don't worry.

I got it all figured out.

We cut out the dirty stuff, show
it to them again, get the PG,

and then stick the
dirty stuff back in.

They'll never know.
Forget about it.

NARRATOR: All right, but
I'm not sure if that's

really the way to do it.
NARRATOR: Sure.

Sure.
Go with me on this.

Didn't I--