When Man falls in the swamp of his thoughts and it ends with him to a disaster (2017) - full transcript

THE LONGEST MOVIE TITLE
IN THE HISTORY OF EGYPTIAN CINEMA

WHEN MAN FALLS
IN THE SWAMP OF HIS THOUGHTS

AND IT GETS HIM
INTO COMPLETE DISASTER

What are you expecting
he'd do to her?

Dear Allah, forgive us all!

Your brothers, the mujahideen,
are dying everyday all over the world

and you're sitting there watching
infidelity, immorality and fornication!

Your destiny is
the most miserable end: hell!

May Allah forgive me!

You'll join Jihad.

And guess what? You'll go to heaven!



You'll get paid in dollars, brother.

The USD exchange rate is high!

-It's at 16.5.
-We'll help you get married.

Not one wife! Two, three and even four!

Allah is the Greatest!

Can there be more?

All the pleasures of life are yours
on one condition: come back to Allah!

Coming!

BIBO

-How is the patient?
-Waiting inside. Everything is ready.

Perfect. Sterilize the instruments
and prepare four grams of Oxinitro.

-How are you?
-Good.

Great. Lift up your feet please.

-Does this hurt?
-Yeah.



Is that "yeah" of pain,
or a "yeah" of pleasure?

Cute, so cute, Mrs. Fifi.

It's simple. No need to worry.

I'll write you a prescription
and you'll be just fine.

Apply under the nail polish
until you finish a whole bottle

to ensure that your nails remain strong,

shiny and sexy.

HANI

I start my motorcycle and ride it
I turn my lights on

I ride but I'm not reckless
You might push me and I'd get hurt

I start my motorcycle and ride it
I turn on my lights

I ride but I'm not reckless
You might push me and I'd get hurt

I ride it, step on it
And go anywhere I want...

What do you think of that opening, man?
This one or the one before?

Definitely this one!

It's gonna be a hit. You're the king
of local weddings and auto rickshaws.

You're the man, I swear.
I'm gonna make you an even hotter one!

My man!

Give it up for the right people

who always say the right thing!

Samir!

What was that?
What's wrong with the sound?

-Semsem!
-What the hell! It's Mom.

Mom! Come on!
Don't you see that I'm with a client?

There you go.
I want you to wipe them clean.

You haven't eaten anything
since yesterday, sweetie.

God bless you
and grant you all your wishes!

-Wait. I need to talk to you.
-What?

The place down there is a total mess
and you left the customers unattended

to spend your whole day on that thing?

You got it, Mom. I'll go down
and serve my late father's customers.

SAMIR

Let me see your hands.

So you're the applicant
who wants to work at my center.

Yes, sir. My name is Mous'ad.

I'm very excited to be in the presence
of the legend of foot and nail care

-in the Arab World.
-Mous'ad!

Do not be such a kiss ass.
I don't like it.

Tell me, Mous'ad.

This job that we do,
do you think it's easy?

It's a very complicated
and difficult process!

No, Mous'ad.
It's an easy job, very easy!

But what differentiates one worker
from another is artistic ability.

It's an art, Mous'ad.

So are you a foot artist?

-Very much so!
-Mous'ad, you have to understand,

holding the nail file in one hand
and the guest's foot in the other

is not work. No!

-It's a violin performance!
-Wow!

Mous'ad, the foot is like a white canvas.

The file is the brush that you'll use
to add your touch to the guest's foot.

Otherwise you’re just a nail clipper!

You're right, Sir.

Great. Tell me, Mous'ad.

At whose feet do you see yourself
sitting in five years?

-Haifa Wehbe.
-Wrong!

Wrong answer!
I'm disappointed in you! Haifa!

Is that your ambition?
An incredibly sexy woman?

What do you have to offer
with those nails

and that summer cologne
you're wearing in winter?

Set your eyes on a woman with cracked,
dry feet with thick cuticles!

-Your words are valuable lessons.
-Anyway, Mous'ad,

go to Haidy and she'll assign you
to one of the guys.

I want you to learn and practice,
then show me what you learned.

Thank you so much, Sir.
I promise I won't disappoint you.

I have no expectations. Go now!

-Monsieur Hani, good morning.
-What's that mess?

-"Monsieur" and "good morning"?
-Sorry. Monsieur Hani, bonjour.

A sweet morning it is!

The Miss Lebanon pageant sent your ticket.

-You have a meeting with the judges too.
-Great!

-There's one little problem though.
-What is it?

You changed the date too many times.

They couldn't get you
a first-class ticket.

It's not first class?

-I'm so sorry, Sir.
-So I'm going to be in economy?

Eating plastic-wrapped meals?

It's my fault. I changed
the ticket too many times.

But you know Haidy,
I'll endure anything for Egypt.

Come here, Son. Say hi to your uncle.

Is that my uncle?

-Hi, Elwa!
-Samir!

-I missed you, man!
-Stop it!

Oh boy!

Give me that and take this.

Why are you here?

Tell me, Samir.

-Why did you upset Mommy?
-Damn it! Did you run crying to him?

-You told him!
-Yes.

Your sister doesn't get me, Uncle.
I'm an artist, people!

What damn artist, you brat?

-You are an Abasiry!
-Abasiry or Shandawily!

The Abasiry family.
The drug kings, you worthless dog!

You want to dance at weddings
and festivals and humiliate us?

Weddings and festivals?

You're still living in the past
of colorful jackets and hair gel.

Uncle, we have the internet now
and auto rickshaws.

Don't you like my songs?

Do you like them or not?

-Like them or not?
-Stop it! Samir!

-To be honest, I do like them.
-I like them too.

But this is a hobby. It has no future.

-Don't call it a hobby. It is the future.
-No, it's a hobby.

Don't argue,
or I'll kick your motherfucking ass!

Sorry, Nana.
I'm being harsh with him for his own good.

Whatever you see fit.

-Wanna humiliate us, you son of a bitch!
-Your sister.

-Little motherfucker!
-Also your sister!

-You son of a dog!
-That would be your late brother-in-law.

-Such a rotten, fucked up family!
-What the hell?

-I can't keep choosing among you forever!
-What do you want from me now?

I sell all the drugs you ask me to sell.
You got nothing on me, man!

-You got nothing on me!
-Stop it, boy!

I want you to grow, boy.
I want you to be a big dealer

-and honor the family.
-What am I supposed to do now?

Tell me in a very small nutshell.

Back your bags.

-We're going on a business trip.
-Biscuits?

Business! Learn some English!

Since when do we take business trips?

See? The internet has ruined your brain.

Don't you know that I,
your uncle, have the latest updates?

I found a new drug in Lebanon.
I'm gonna shower the market with it.

-And then what?
-Dry it out.

-And after that?
-I'll leave that to you. I'm too old!

-Lebanon?
-Yeah.

Didn't we stop working in Meet Oqba?

You'll go back to Lebanon Square,
get caught and call me to bail you out!

I mean Lebanon the country.

-Hamra.
-Hamra!

-Beirut.
-Beirut!

Mount Lebanon, where rice grows.

Rice? What rice? It's cedar trees!

-It's rice.
-They changed it to cedars.

-Cedars?
-Yeah.

It can't be a rice country anyway.
Their women are so fit and slim!

Are you serious?

-I don't joke about work, boy!
-Swear to me.

-I swear.
-I'm in.

-I'm in, Uncle.
-Good.

I'd go to the end of the world for you,
as long as it's safe.

Thank you, brother. Stop right there.

Right here.

Peace and blessings upon you, Sir.

Yes. Yes, don't worry.

I'm at the airport now.

Yes! I have the flash drive.

Please, Sir, text me the address
of the apartment you rented

so I can show it to the bus driver
when I land in Lebanon.

God bless you!

-Peace and blessings upon you.
-Bibo!

Yes, Tarik?

-I don't want you to go.
-I'm going to a better place.

-I'm going to the State.
-What state?

The State of Righteousness.

You don't understand.
I'll try to make it simple for you.

Don't you

-love Barcelona?
-I do.

Remember when you kept nagging your father
until he got you a Barcelona shirt?

The place called Barcelona is ours.

Al Andalus. I'm off to claim it again,
and when I do that,

your reward will be

an original Barcelona shirt!

May Allah accept your
Umrah pilgrimage, Son.

Amen, Mother,
but I'm not going to Saudi Arabia!

-I'm going to Lebanon.
-Where is that, Son?

-In Beirut.
-May Allah accept your pilgrimage!

-Take care, Mother.
-You too, Son.

-Father!
-Take care, Son. See you soon.

-Take care of the bus, Dad.
-Of course.

-It's your turn. Please move.
-Okay. Just a second.

-Good day, Sir.
-Good day?

-Your passport!
-Sure. Here!

-Where to?
-"Lebalon."

-What?
-Beirut.

Ah, Beirut!

Why are you going to Lebanon, Mohammed?

To have fun! Tourism.

-Tourism you say?
-Why else would I go there?

Why grow a beard that long?

-Excuse me?
-Why grow a beard that long?

-It hurts when I shave.
-What?

My beard.

Just joking with you! It's a trend
and you know, girls nowadays like beards.

-Of course I know that.
-Of course you do.

So you're not growing it as per Sunnah?

You're absolutely right.
It can be done as per Sunnah.

-Move aside and empty your pockets.
-But I didn't grow it for Sunnah.

Move aside and empty your pockets!

You're keeping us waiting while asking him
all these personal questions!

What's going on? Are you helping him
with a lost ticket or something?

Who the hell are you
and why are you shouting?

-Do you know him?
-Why would I know someone like him?

You're keeping us waiting
and hammering him with questions.

Just because he looks like a stray dog--

You're insulting me and not helping me!

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to insult you,
but look at your filthy, square nails!

Listen, Sir. I'm only doing my job.

And my job is to check
who's boarding the plane.

How would you feel
if he had a bomb on him?

In that case, take him somewhere

and beat a confession out of him
and let us board.

No need for all that!
Do what you must do, Officer. Search me.

I'm sorry I tried to help you!
You should do a physical search.

Stop talking!

I talk a lot at my job so--
Hey! Get back in line, man!

I'm worried
that all the seats will be taken

and I'll have to stand
the whole way there. I have arthritis.

Arthritis? We're not Social Security!

-The seats will be taken.
-This is a plane not a bus!

I know it's a plane.
Treat me better, please!

Please, get back in the line!

We should've taken Go Bus or Mid Delta.
It would've been faster!

Get back. They're being searched.

If you'd let him through,
those scumbags wouldn't have--

-Still talking?
-I told you, my job--

-What job?
-What are you so bent out of shape about?

You are scumbags!

-Why are these rats going to Lebanon?
-Don't be upset, Sir.

Come here. I need to search you!
Where are we going now?

This is not a fight! Stand in line.

Can I sit here, please?

-Sure!
-Merci!

No, No! Excuse me, Miss.

I'll sit next to my friend. He doesn't
like to sit next to indecent girls.

What? No, come back!
We're not friends!

He's not my friend! I'm sorry.
Come back, you marshmallow!

What do you mean we're not friends?
You just helped me with the officer.

I'm beginning to feel
like that was a mistake.

No, you did a noble thing
standing up to that officer for me.

That is what Muslims should do.

Support one another in order to accomplish
something, like the Christians or Jews do.

-Christians?
-Yes.

-Got you.
-Yeah.

Is this a work device or just a toy?

-This computer?
-Yeah.

It's a toy.

-What are you doing?
-Killing time.

Well, instead of killing time playing,

you should spend it
asking Allah for forgiveness.

Flight number 504. Gate number...

I'm Bibo.

-Lahalibo? That's a belly dancer's name!
-No, it's Bibo.

You know the song that goes:
Bibo, Bibo, Bibo! The amazing Khatib!

-Oh! Bibo.
-Bibo!

-Bibo!
-You can stop now. I got it. Bibo.

I should tell you my full name.

-You're funny.
-Thanks.

What's your name?

Hani.

Hani! Hani! Hani!

Where's the bag with the flash drive?

-What flash drive?
-I mean your bag. They could've taken it!

No, it's right here but you've crushed it.

Oh, thank God it's here.
It's such a beautiful and expensive bag.

-Hani!
-Yes?

Why did you kiss that man's hand?

Because he's our Father.

-You're...?
-Coptic.

Christians!

They are our brothers. All Christians!

Our dear brothers.

Necessity knows no law.

Are you also going to Lebanon?

Yeah, but I'm getting off earlier.

-Is there a stop before Beirut?
-Yeah, there's this stop...

Why are you such a dork, Bibo?
Of course I'm going to Lebanon!

Thank God! As long as you and your bag
get off at the same stop as me.

MISS LEBANON PAGEANT

-Your invitation, please?
-What?

Invitation ticket, monsieur!

How could you call me monsieur?
I'm not a monsieur!

Of course you are a monsieur!

-I'm asking about you--
-This is inappropriate!

-Where's your invitation?
-Why did you stop me but not any of them?

-Why me?
-This is the Miss Lebanon Pageant.

You need an invitation
or a ticket to get in.

-I don't have an invitation.
-You should buy a ticket then.

Okay, I'll buy one. How much is it?

1,500 US dollars.

-How much is it, man?
-I told you, 1,500 US dollars.

Buy or leave?

-I would prefer to leave.
-Leave then!

-May God forgive you!
-He will. Go!

Dear Allah, forgive our sins!

Allah protect me from the accursed Satan!

Freedom! Freedom!

All those women!
I'm going straight to hell!

What do I do? Take out my eyes
and put them in my pocket?

Peace and blessings upon you, brother.

-What do you need, love? I'm Peach.
-I don't have any peaches.

-I just arrived and it's not peach season!
-No! My name is Peach.

Oh! Your name is Peach!

Peaches from Sham are tasty!
Allah help us!

Listen, I have a feeling

that you're one of the Brothers.

It shows on your face
and your beautiful beard.

Tell me, Brother Peach.
What are you standing here for?

We're marching for the rights
of gay people in Lebanon,

to get the pageant cancelled.

They don't want to let us in
just because we're a minority.

Are we considered a minority now?

After ruling the world from east to west,
after being Kings of Al Andalus,

we have to march for our rights?

This is completely unacceptable!

-So, what do you think?
-I have a feeling

that those pageant people
are discriminating against the Brothers.

And to be honest,

I admire your unity,

your tenacity
and the stance you're taking!

That's why I'm gonna embrace it!

My dear brother!

-You wanna embrace it?
-Of course I will. I'm not a child!

Listen, Peach. This pageant,

we need to wreck it!

Brothers!

Brothers!

Brothers!

A disaster has befallen us!

They shoot horses, don't they?

The day has come

that we have become a minority.
We are a minority now!

After being kings of the world
from east to west!

Kings of Al Andalus. Barcelona was ours!

Now we are considered a minority!

Corruption has prevailed on earth.

Corruption has prevailed on Earth.
They want us gone.

But we are not leaving. They should leave!

We're not leaving! They should leave!

We're not leaving! They should leave!

This woman is so late, Uncle!

It's okay. She's a mistress.

-You know what a mistress means here?
-What?

-A woman over eighty.
-Over eighty?

She must be an old woman wearing so much
jewelry that it's hard for her to walk!

Oh, mama!

This is the mistress.

She looks like Nadia El Gendy.

Her grandfather!

Oh my!

God bless her!

-What are you doing?
-Calling the elevator.

-I wanna come up and talk into your ear.
-You're funny.

-She sat down just like us.
-She did.

-Should I sit down too?
-Sit!

-Are we sure?
-Yes!

-Have you had breakfast?
-We were waiting to be served.

Uncle! She got us a luncheon roll.

No, kid.

This is the hash.
I call it Salah and Abdel Fatah.

-Feel it and tell me what you think.
-You got it!

You jackass!

Sorry, Uncle. I'm a horny bastard.

That's all right.
Your uncle is a hornier bastard!

A true dealer

can know how good the piece is
just by touching it.

You press it there, it's soft.

You press it here, it's still soft.

And if you heat it up...

it gets even softer.

But you know, Uncle,
most products on the market are fake.

There's no confidence anymore.

The smell and the touch
can never be faked.

-Isn't that right, sunshine?
-Sure!

Oh my!

Henna, frankincense
and orange peels, Uncle.

Congratulations, Monsieur Ali.

Monsieur?

-No one's ever called me that!
-Listen, kitty.

-Have you got any pills?
-Sure. We've got everything you need.

What's this, boy?

-Hallucination pills.
-Shut up!

I would never take something like that
to my country and destroy young people.

I'm a patriot!

Besides, they call me The Specialist.
I specialize in hashish.

It looks like Tanta candy.

-It looks like almonds.
-It's cheap.

-So small and tasty.
-It's cheap.

There you go, kid.

Take these.

Easy, tigers. Those pills are strong.

We're professionals, sunshine!

Children in our country
have these for breakfast.

We're the grandsons of pharaohs.

Six thousand years of civilization.

-I'll add one to make them seven.
-Just seven?

Unfortunately,
the dollar is giving us a hard time.

Now, everything is ready.

Secure a passage through the port

-and you'll receive the shipment ASAP.
-I wish I could visit that tattoo.

Mr. Ali, is something wrong?

Mr. Ali, are you two okay?

No, we're Egyptians.

Let's go.

-Boy!
-What?

Let's go now. We're about to mess
everything up and I don't feel well.

-Let's go.
-Let's go, Uncle.

I'm afraid.

-What is this?
-I'm afraid, uncle!

We're standing on a mountain!

-Are we on Mokattam?
-How is it Mokattam when there's water?

Who said there wasn't water on Mokattam?

They would've said it
on the little TV news bar.

Say what or when?

I promise if we get home safely,

I'll put a water fountain on the street.

I promise if I get home safely,

-I'll remove that fountain.
-Why?

-Because I want to. What is that?
-What?

There's the house.

Yeah, there it is.

No, it's up there.

Yes! There's the house.

-No, it's there!
-I know. How do we get there?

-We'll swim.
-Swim?

-Yeah.
-Let's swim, Uncle.

-We'll count to three.
-Yes?

-And then jump.
-What?

-Count to three and jump.
-Jump?

-Do you know how to jump?
-Of course!

God help us!

God help us!

-One!
-No!

-Take me home.
-Okay.

-I wanna go home.
-I'll get a carriage.

-I want a beach buggy.
-Beach buggy?

Heading for the buggy?

Freedom! Freedom!

-Bibo. Come here!
-Hani!

What are you... What are you doing?

-What are you doing here?
-Freedom!

-Freedom!
-What the hell are you saying?

I honestly don't know. They were
shouting it during the demonstration.

What the hell are you doing? On the plane,
you were like a religious talk show.

Now you're participating in a gay protest!

Some of these brothers, like me,
want to express disapproval

of the obscenity and immorality
that's going on in there.

-So you brought the immorality out here?
-Join us. You'll have lots of fun!

-Are you having fun?
-Oh yeah!

Happy humping! The moment I saw you,
I knew you were weird.

-Enough with your shameless insults!
-You've got a rainbow flag in your hand

-and on your forehead!
-What's wrong with the "Raingow"?

-What's wrong?
-"Raingow"? It's rainbow.

Rainbow? You don't understand--

You're the one who needs to understand.
You're participating in an LGBT protest.

-Yes, this is the group's name.
-No!

-It's the group's description.
-Looks like you misunderstood it.

Are you saying that you're participating
only because they wouldn't let you in?

Yes.

Bibo, do you know what "gay" means?

-No.
-I expected that.

Okay. "Gay" means homosexual people.

You're explaining a hard word
with a harder one. I don't understand!

A bicycle.

Why does he hide his feelings?
He has no idea how I feel!

-Is this a time for singing?
-I'm trying to explain.

Hani, give it to me straight
because I don't get it.

-Come here, turn around.
-Turn around?

Turn to the side, I mean.
You should be cautious with them, not me!

Gays are people...

I'm sorry.

All these people!

All these people!

Why did you tell me?
You have no idea what happened!

Tell me.

-You wanna embrace it?
-Of course I will. I'm not a child!

Oh shit!

-Oh shit!
-Didn't you feel like something was weird?

They fooled me, Hani.

Sorry about what happened, Bibo.
Do you like soccer?

Now's not the time to play soccer, Hani!

I meant watch it, not play it.
There's an important match today.

Give me fourteen minutes to finish
with the judges and we'll go.

Let's go, Bibo.

Throw that flag away.

What is that?

I told you not to open the window.
You let flies in!

You can't let flies in and then complain!

Uncle!

-I wish my luck would change,
-Uncle!

and my life would take
a turn for the better!

-Get up, Uncle!
-I can't.

-Get up.
-I don't know the things...

I don't feel well.

I'm seeing things...
Oh God! What happened?

How did the TV start on its own?

Maybe it's a central TV service?

-What are you talking about?
-It's central here, like air conditioning.

-Are you serious?
-Yeah, I'm telling you.

Watch out. It's throwing things at us.
Quick, get me my 3D glasses

so I can move
when something is thrown at me.

-We didn't bring them from Egypt.
-We didn't?

Oh!

-What's going on?
-Come close, Samir.

-The Blue Elephant is about to start.
-Elephant? This is a donkey!

It's an elephant. The blue elephant...

Oh my God.

Oh, dear God!

-Oh, my poor uncle!
-Oh, baby!

-Listen, Samir.
-What?

-Leave us alone for a while.
-Who do you mean by "us"?

Give us some time, Samir.
Didn't we agree that when I have guests

-you'd give us some privacy?
-This is not a guest. It's a fridge.

What fridge, you asshole. Don't you see
that beauty in blue? She winked at me.

-What beauty?
-Move it.

Are you happy now? She left.

-Who left?
-I don't feel well.

-I don't feel well.
-Don't panic, Uncle.

-I don't feel well. I wanna wake up.
-Don't worry. I've woken up--

-You bastard son of a bitch!
-It's gonna be okay!

I don't know anything about...
My specialty is hashish.

Why make me take that shit?

-Why take it if you can't handle it?
-I can't see.

-I wanna wake up. This is not good.
-Don't worry.

-I'm gonna get you some chips.
-I want Cheese Cheetos.

Where will I find those?

-I want Cheese Cheetos. I'm tired.
-Okay.

-I'll get you Cheese Cheetos.
-Wait. I'm...

I want something that I know.

-I want regular white cheese.
-Yes?

And vinegar and smoked herring.

Cheese, vinegar and herring?

-But make it quick.
-You want it quick or cheesy?

-Quick and cheesy. Get it done!
-Okay.

-Okay.
-Oh, God.

-See?
-See what?

-See how my eyes are closing?
-They're wide open, Uncle!

-They're closing.
-No, I swear. There! Open!

-My eyes are closing!
-I'll keep them open for you.

We can't let them close!

-We'll open them again.
-This is not good!

-I'll tape them open.
-They're closing.

I'll find some tape and keep them open.

Looks like my eyes are taking
half a day's rest.

I can't take it!

-Easy!
-My eyes are closing.

No, they're not. Just rest.
Get some rest, Uncle.

-My God.
-Quickly, Samir.

Okay. Get under the sheets
and get some rest.

Quickly, Samir. I can't take it.

I don't feel well.

I don't feel well.

I don't feel well.

If the land is thirsty

We will water it with our blood!

Shoot it!

What is this place, Hani?

It's small but cozy.

What do you want to have.
This is the drink menu.

Drink menu?

This is page one of the Book of Sins.

-You brought me to a brothel.
-Stop being a drama queen.

We're in Lebanon.
There's alcohol everywhere.

If you don't like it, you can go.
I'll watch the game alone.

-I can't go.
-Why can't you? We're not that close.

-I can't go.
-Why not?

I need my flash drive.

What? Did you get drunk on the atmosphere?

-Samir!
-What the hell?

-What's wrong with you?
-Are you drunk?

-What's with you?
-Who are you? Oh, my!

-You're Fluffy Buffy!
-I was worried about you.

-You took too many pills.
-I'm fine. I'm used to taking pills.

-But my uncle!
-What's wrong with him?

He's losing his mind up in the room.

-Where are you going now?
-To get him some herring.

What's herring?

This salty fish we eat
during Sham Ennessim. We...

What was that?

These pills are amazing.

They showed me Mrs. Fluffy Buffy.

-And I told her I'm going to get herring.
-My God!

Bats.

We're in Lebanon!

Bats.

My God!

Samir! Bats!

My God! All I needed was bats!

The sky is filled... What sky?
It's a ceiling.

The ceiling is filled with bats.

There it is.
I found a herring for you, Uncle.

Where do I know that guy from?

Bibo, isn't that the guy from the plane,

with the old man
who wore that yellow and green tracksuit?

-That's right.
-I found you a herring, Uncle!

-I got it.
-Excuse me, Sir.

Did you drop something in there?

Drive when you're sober!
Why do you drive when you're drunk?

I'm gonna have to ask you to leave.

Don't talk in that Lebanese accent.
I don't understand a word.

What's going on?

-He's fighting with him.
-Get me two kilos.

Two kilos of what?

I don't have time for jokes, man.
I want herring. Get me some.

He is fighting.

We're all Egyptians.
We can't leave him alone in there.

Let's go watch then.

You're a passive person
in the wrong situations. Let's go.

I want two kilos!

Wait a minute. Calm down!
What's going on here?

-This waiter is a jerk.
-We're guests here, so you can't do this.

But remember what he looks like.
If you see him in Egypt, kick his ass.

I don't wanna kick his ass. I forgive him.

Curses don't stick.

-What do you want then?
-I'm confused.

We're very sorry but,

as you can see, he's drunk,
and sick people cannot be blamed.

-No problem. It's all right.
-Thank you.

-Let's go.
-Wake up.

Come with us.

-Come here. What's wrong with you?
-What the hell?

Easy on him.

-He called me names.
-It's okay.

-What's your name?
-My name is...

-Safir.
-Excuse me?

-Samir.
-What do you do for a living?

I'm a... dealer.

-Dealer?
-What do you mean "dealer"?

I mean... drug dealer.

-Nice to meet you anyway.
-No problem.

-What's with him?
-No problem. Welcome brother.

-He should behave!
-Samir. Watch the game.

-Yeah, let's watch the game.
-My father is out there. I have to go.

-You left your father out there?
-He's in the tank.

-Your father is in a tank?
-Playing with his friends in the tank.

-What tank?
-The fish tank.

He's in the fish tank?

We just saw a tank. Nobody was in it.

It's okay. I got it. He's on something.

He took some pills.
Did you take something?

I don't feel like I took anything.

I feel beaten up.

Calm down, man.
It will be okay eventually.

-Your father is out there swimming.
-It's totally fine.

Come on in.

Peace and blessings upon the place!

Welcome. Come in.

-Hold it together, Samir.
-Dear God, help us.

I love you, Hani.

-Thanks, but that's the alcohol talking.
-Wrong!

-Alcohols blinds the mind!
-Go to hell!

-God forgive us!
-Who are you? Sheikh Jackson?

Jackson? Shut the hell up!

How do I get in?

Sleep on your back.

-Welcome, Hani.
-We should have gone to my place.

Here or there. It's the same anyway.

-Get some rest here.
-No, I'm gonna take off.

No, I can't let you.

How can I let you leave like that?

-Get some rest. It's been a long day.
-I'll rest for a while then.

Satan's tails.

There you go. You're welcome here.

What are you doing?

No need for covers when we're this drunk.
Don't cover us.

You're right. Let me keep the bag
in a safe place for you.

-No, thanks.
-Thanks?

Oh, God!

-Bibo.
-It's okay.

Please, hang this up there for me.

Of course, Hani. There you go.
You're absolutely welcome.

Sleep tight.

God forgive us!

Thank God!

Stop snoring!

God! He's annoying even in his sleep!

Dear God!

-You the one who spoke with Sheikh Karim?
-Yes.

I'm the one who spoke with Sheikh Karim.

-Where's the flash drive?
-Right here.

-Come on in.
-Don't make a fuss. Follow me.

You are very much welcome!

Here is the flash drive.

-It's all good.
-Great.

-Good.
-Bibo, have you got any arugula?

-What the hell?
-Show me your hands.

-I can't. The towel will fall.
-Don't make me mad. Show me your hands.

-The towel will fall.
-Hands up!

-Fine, don't be upset later.
-I won't.

You won't? Here are my hands.

It's all good, brothers.
No need for all this.

God forgive us all!

Who is that?

This is my friend. He wanted in
since he found out you were coming.

-Didn't I ask you to wait alone?
-He came along!

How could I turn him away?
You'll like him. He's a good guy.

Like me? No, you won't!
What are you talking about?

Keep your voices down,
or the TV, or whatever it is!

What are you watching so loudly?
Bab Al Hara? Hareem Al Sultan?

It's Bab Al Hara
and those are the Hara residents.

What is this?

Are those masked men for real?

-Or is it the drugs I took?
-I'm glad you're up, Samir.

These are the guys we were waiting for
to sign you up.

-Are you fucking serious?
-Yeah.

-Great! They're right on time!
-All three of you, you're coming with us.

Calm down, Abu Fahd.
Where are you taking us so early?

I can't leave you here.
You know too much.

-Go wash that shit off your face.
-What shit? This is a mask.

Don't make me mad!

-Go! Now!
-Okay. I'll get dressed! Okay!

Go. Go, Hani.

I don't understand!

I don't understand!

Don't worry.

They're taking us for a ride.

PORT EMAD STATE

PORT EMAD STATE

DIDN'T WASH HIS MOUTH WELL IN WUDU

GOSSIPERS

LIARS

MISSED FRIDAY PRAYER THREE TIMES

GAYS

REVENGE

WEAPON STORAGE AREA

Allah is the Greatest. Thank God!

Allah is the Greatest. Thank God!

What a place! See?

It's so organized!
You did great in designing this.

What did he do? "Listens to music"?

Are you punishing him
for playing music too loudly?

See what they do
to people who listen to music?

I make music. What will they do to me?

-Don't say a thing.
-They'll know.

-They'll find out.
-It's okay.

Don't be afraid.
We're not like those people.

We are allies.

God help us!

-God help us!
-Come on, guys.

They must be taking us
for breakfast or lunch or something.

"Tried to escape"!
Why attempt what you can't do?

Why would you run away from here?

-Shit!
-Come on, guys. This way.

-Thank you. Come on, Samir.
-Right this way.

You're welcome here.

-What is this, Sir?
-Get in.

-Get the hell in the cage!
-Why should I get in? I'm not a monkey!

Don't make me mad!

-Yes, Sir.
-Do what he says, Samir.

We won't take pictures with anyone.

There's been a misunderstanding.
We are your brothers! Friends.

I saw the towel. Get in!

-What is this shit we're in?
-Shut up.

-Hey, man! Sir?
-Sir, please!

-Somebody!
-Answer me, please.

-We brought the flash drive!
-Get us bananas at least!

-We brought the flash drive!
-Bibo!

-Bibo!
-Yes! Yes, I'm Bibo!

-Yes!
-Bibo!

I liked you a lot
And I missed you a lot!

-Tell Pascale Machaalani there to shut up.
-I don't know him!

-I don't know him!
-How are you, love?

Who is that? I think I've seen him before.

-End this dirty relationship now.
-Don't you remember me?

I don't know you, man!

How can you not know him?
He just called you "love". He knows you!

I drew you the rainbow flag. I'm Peach!

He drew you a rainbow?
Where exactly did he draw it?

-What's going on here?
-Nothing, Sir!

Just a tempest in a teapot.
It will be over soon.

Shut up, all of you.

This is your fault.

I was with beauty queens
minding my own business.

Take it easy, Hani. Calm down,

-and send prayers upon our Messenger!
-Such an awkward request!

Never mind. I want you to calm down.
Don't worry, guys.

This is just a misunderstanding.
They know who I am. I'll make it right.

You won't make shit! Damn you!

They put us in a cage. In a cage!

Don't worry, Samir. This is a precaution.
Put your minds at ease,

because I used to communicate
with these people

through the Happy Farm game chat.

What went wrong? Did you beat them?
Is that why they did this to you?

No, I didn't win anything.
It was just a way of communicating.

-So they know you?
-Of course!

But they don't know that my name is Bibo.
They only know my codename.

The Lion of Shubra El Kheima.

So tell them
you're The Lion of Shubra El Kheima.

No, I'll only speak to the leader.

Everyone to their places!

The Emir is here.

Quickly. Stand straight in line.

The Emir is here.

Abu El Bara'!

Get in line for the admission tests!

-Let's start the test.
-You go first, boy.

What are the months
of the Hijri calendar?

He's thinking!

-What the fuck!
-He was gonna answer. He just needed time!

-Answer, kid!
-Kanun Althani, Shubat, Azar.

Shubat and Azar!
He's distorting the facts!

-In the name of the cross!
-Sweet child!

-Sweet child!
-Speak up, boy!

We're the flash drive guys.
We're your friends.

Who are you, man? Abu El Bara'!

-I'm the Egyptian guy!
-Wait.

Egypt, Mother of the World.
Who are you? Who did you speak with?

-I talked to... what's his name?
-How would we know?

-His name is...
-What's his damn name?

-Guest of the Town!
-What?

-Nutbag of the Town!
-Nutbag? Really?!

-No, I mean Sword of the Dynasty!
-I remember now.

They told me a good brother
is visiting from Egypt.

He's supposed to recite the oath
of allegiance and bring useful intel.

-What's your name, son?
-Bibo.

-Your real name.
-Sorry, Sir. My name is Muhammad.

My father calls me Bibo,
but we can forget about it if it's haram.

So should I call you "Bibo"?

If it's okay with you,
you can say "Yo Bibo"!

-Yo Bibo!
-Yeah.

Enough!

-Are they with you?
-Yeah, we are

-friends from childhood.
-More than brothers.

Yes! They are my colleagues.
My friends and brothers.

-We'll test them.
-I don't know anything!

-Sir, you'll make me look bad--
-This country is one of justice!

-Do you understand?
-No.

You...

What's your name, sweetie?

-Me?
-Yeah, what's your name?

-I'm Hani.
-Oh, Hani!

-Works as a Muslim name?
-Hopefully.

Complete the following.

-A man who feels shy around his cousin...
-This is an easy saying.

A man who feels shy around his cousin...
is probably afraid of her brother?

Correct! You got it right.

Allah is the Greatest. Thank God!

We were saying it incorrectly
all that time!

-What's your name?
-Samir, your highness!

-"Samir Your Highness"? Is that your name?
-Tell him your name!

-Didn't I just say it?
-Say it.

-Say it again.
-Samir.

-Samir.
-Why didn't you just say that!

-What's your name, man?
-Samir, I swear!

-Complete the following.
-Yes, Sir.

Don't feel sorry about the past...?

-The best is yet to come?
-Wow! What are they?

-Geniuses?
-Allah is the Greatest. Thank God!

-Abu El Bara'. I like them.
-Yes, Sir.

Take the boys. Show them our State

and give them uniforms. Got it?

-Got it.
-Listen, guys.

You'll dine with me in my tent tonight.

God bless you, Emir.

It's gonna be a royal dinner.
You're from Egypt, my dear home!

-What is that?
-Move it!

-Good job, guys.
-Watch out for the wire.

-There.
-Thanks, man.

-You, punk. There.
-Bless you.

-You! There.
-Okay.

Are there other colors?

Every color in the State indicates a rank.

You're newbies. You get grey.

So we'll be changing colors!

-God willing.
-Keep a purple one for me.

I have some important advice for you.
Grow beards.

It's not a plant. How do I grow it?

-Let it grow.
-Mine doesn't grow.

-What?
-Sorry!

He can't grow a beard.
He has no hair here.

-What?
-Won't you show us around?

-Come with me.
-We want boots.

-Give us boots.
-There.

Thank you.

Honestly, you've done an amazing job here.

-Sure.
-I have a question though.

-Why are those guys lying down like that?
-This is the shooting field.

-The shooting field?
-Yes.

-So we're close to Maryotia?
-You're kidding!

So we're a short ride
away from Mashal Bus Stop?

-Where Bibo can take a car back to Fayoum.
-I'm not going to Fayoum.

Nest week,
you'll be doing the same practice.

You stupid Kumar!

Stand still! Don't move.

What's with all the gold?

So weird.
He's wearing an entire jewelry shop!

What are you doing, baby blue?

Have some patience, kid!

I'm going to show you something stunning.

Holy shit! You cruel bastard!
You killed him...

What the hell?

-He got right up!
-That Emir!

He told me these bullets are slow motion.
He sells a bullet for 100 dollars.

A bullet for 100 dollars?
It's not a Blue Elephant pill!

Go get ready.
I'll take you to the Emir's tent tonight.

He means we should get ready
for dinner tonight with the Emir.

Exactly, go now.

Save a bullet for me, please.

In the name of Allah,
whose help we seek.

Today, we welcome

our new brothers

into our blessed State.

Port Emad!

-Is he doing a radio show?
-Super powers.

May Allah guide them on their way
to martyrdom and paradise.

In the name of Allah,
start eating and invite your brothers.

-Go ahead.
-Peace and blessings upon you!

Am I stoned
or is he just talking nonsense?

The Emir has the ability to see people
that we can't see.

He is a higher rank than us.

-We should raise our rank then.
-Shush!

-Is he like a sorcerer or a wizard?
-Shut up, man!

-Our Emir!
-My man!

May Allah bless you, Emir.
Our esteemed Emir!

May He make you a valuable asset
for the benefit of our nation, Master!

From the moment I saw you,
I knew you were good Egyptian men.

-Especially you, Samir.
-Yes, my prince.

-Samir!
-Yes, my prince.

-Samir!
-Did I answer him or not?

Answer him again anyway.

-Yes, prince!
-You remind me of myself at the beginning.

You mean you were high
when you first came to the State?

-Hani!
-Yes?

Where's your beard?
Why did you leave it at home?

I arrived early. Fuck my beard!

-For Christ's sake--
-In a night less glamorous than tonight--

-What are you doing?
-Saving his ass!

Sorry, Sir. It doesn't grow.

I wish I could grow a beard
and get a stylish haircut,

but you know, nobody is perfect.

I knew it in my heart, Hani.
Come close. I wanna feel it.

Dear Emir!

-Dear Emir, allow me to ask a question.
-You're allowed.

No! He's too weird! Nobody talks like that
not even in Iran or Turkey.

Languages mix. My Lord,

were you, at the beginning of your path,

-a newbie soldier like us?
-Soldier? Never!

You were really lucky.

But me,

I struggled a lot.
I endured a lot until I reached so high.

You might ask me, Hani,
how I got so high.

I had a huge business.

Come here! Take a look!

Take a look, bride! Take a look, lady!

It's for 2.5 pounds.
I don't take any profit!

The bigger it got,

the more the authorities hammered me.

Specifically...

this son of a bitch named...

Officer Sayed.

They kept coming at me
and I kept fighting back.

One day, I decided to leave.

I swore I'd never go back to that country
until I'm a tycoon. A big tycoon

that no one can bring down.

Not the president or the prime minster,
not even Officer Sayed!

Have mercy!

I moved from one place

to the other.

Until I came to the State.

I became a fighter for Allah.

-What?
-What's with the accent?

Is he Egyptian or Tunisian?

He's Egyptian,
but he pronounces Cs differently.

Excuse me, my Lord.

You didn't answer my question.

Did you start here as a soldier?

And how did you become the Emir?

That's a good question, Hani.

-But I didn't ask.
-My heart interprets your silence, man!

It was a difficult journey

and a violent war.

I was at the market overseeing
my ever-growing business,

and who do I see?

Who, Emir?

An American general.

In the flesh? General! We love you.
Come and see!

For 2.5 pounds. Knock yourself out!
All your favorite colors. Come and...

My God! Help!

Somebody call an ambulance! Somebody help!

An ambulance! The general is dying!
The general is dead!

Blood rushed into my head
like a shell into a cannon.

So I killed him!
And all his men, one after the other.

I took his head and presented it
as a gift to the caliph.

This is my story with the State.

Wow!

Such an inspiring story, Sir!

It could be turned into a movie.

One last question, Sir.

Why was the State called Port Emad?

I'm glad you asked, Hani.

Yes, it was me.

Isn't there a place called Port Tawfik?

-And Port Fouad?
-And Porto Sokhna too.

-You interrupt me too much, Samir.
-I didn't mean to, Your Highness.

-I didn't mean to.
-You know why I called it Port Emad?

After the beloved Emad.

Son of Um Sayed.

Listen, brothers! Congratulations!

-On what, Emir?
-Here at the State,

no one is without a wife.
Everyone should be banging.

Each one of you will have four wives.

-Allah is the Greatest. Thank God!
-And that's not all.

-I already chose them for you. Perfect!
-Excuse me, are you serious or is this

some sort of endurance test?

Don't add to my doubts.
Don't you wanna get married?

No, no need for doubts. I just thought

I needed a couple of years
to get financially ready--

Financially ready?
Didn't you read our State motto?

It goes,
"Ride, lock in and drop the load!"

-The bride is pregnant?
-Who's pregnant?

He means to say, "Ride from behind

-and unload deep in the pocket."
-Why are you explaining?

-I thought you were talking to me.
-Nope!

Abu El Bara', bring the brides.

Brides! So quickly?

-Hani!
-Yes?

-Ride, lock in and drop the load!
-I'll make sure to close up on my way out.

Wow! Each one is more beautiful
than the other.

-You can't even see them!
-I'll take

-the one on the right, God willing.
-Son of a gun!

I wanted that one. But it's okay.
You can have her.

-No!
-You can have her!

-No, no, no!
-You can have her!

I'll take the one on the left.
I'm fond of the left.

You go ahead.
I'll read a little before bed.

Don't be weak. Don't make this mistake!

Listen... Madam... Hani!

Madam Hani?

Holy shit! Who's that babe?

What's your...

-name?
-I'm Sally.

This sassy attitude of yours tells me
that you're Egyptian.

-Yes, I'm Egyptian.
-Listen, Miss.

I want you to know that you are under
no obligation to do anything.

-So you don't want to...?
-I'm dying to. I'm not a graphic drawing!

It's just...

you could say that this marriage
is not legally valid.

We're both still single. I won't be upset
if your Facebook status says "single."

-Don't you like me?
-You're an absolute hottie. It's just...

You and I have different beliefs.

If we do it, it will cause problems.
It could turn into sectarian violence.

In a nutshell,

I'm different from all those people.

-Totally different.
-Different!

Fine.

Different!

What did she get from that?

Since you are different,

-why don't you let them know your taste.
-Taste? You're gonna get me in trouble!

Just go to bed. Go sleep, please!

Goddamn you! Christian and gay?

They won't kill me.
They'll make me their pet!

AFTER ONE WEEK

Did he ask for me or for all of us?

-All of us.
-What does he want?

Maybe this is the big moment.

I've been waiting for this for years.
You know,

we must be real men, take revenge
on the infidels and honor Port Emad!

Who killed Emad?

No, I'm talking about Port Emad.

He means this place.
It's called Port Emad.

This compound. Port Emad. Okay!

Hani, listen. I noticed that the Emir

likes you the most
and treats you the best.

This is an issue for me. This treatment!
I get uncomfortable around him.

I wish I was in your shoes.

I don't understand
how we're following this schmuck.

I can't stand that man.

-I can't stand being around him.
-Come on! Please!

-Please, Samir.
-Don't! I don't wanna go to him.

Let's go, before he sends the guards.

-I don't wanna go.
-Come on, Samir.

Abu El Bara', you don't need my opinion.
If he doesn't salute you, kill him!

Peace and blessings upon you!

Your Highness the Emir, good morning!

Welcome, my babes.

-Thank you, your Baby Highness.
-How are the wives?

A huge blessing. Marriage is great, Sir.

What about you, Hani?
How are you with your hottie?

-I'm keeping her on her toes!
-I don't believe you.

We were blessed with many things
since we came here, Your Highness.

May God keep you safe for us!

-Great.
-Kiss-ass!

-Asshole!
-Let's cut to the chase!

Here at the State, we are all soldiers.
All what?

-Soldiers!
-Each one has a job.

-Has a what?
-A job!

After the screening and tests,

I assigned each of you to a task.

Allah is the Greatest. Thank God!

-Samir.
-Yes, Your Highness?

You'll join my personal guards.

This is such a huge honor.

-I don't think I'm up for it.
-But you deserve it.

-Congratulations.
-I don't deserve it! Why?

-Hani.
-Yes?

You are in my heart and soul.

-Here we go!
-You'll be my cultural advisor.

Both an advisor
and a clothing personal assistant.

I don't mind being your advisor
but I can't help you with clothing.

It'll put us in a position where I'm asked
to help you get undressed. Let's not!

Don't worry, Hani!

-I won't overload you.
-What about me?

What is my task?

You're enthusiastic! You're a true man.

Bibo! Face the truth!

Where is the glory?

Where is the dream?

When will I get to honor Port Emad?

This is where I end up? A maid?

My friend, someone must wash
the nation's dishes.

I wouldn't wash all the nation's dishes
even if I worked for Tabei Restaurant!

Aren't you the one who got a bullet
from that guy back there?

-I'm Bibo. You are...?
-Kumar.

Kumar!
Now I understand the head shake,

the turban and the food. I know you!

-Hello, Kumar.
-Hello.

You know,

if I had known that this is
where I'd end up,

I would have taken
Uncle Musaad's boat to Italy.

I'm done talking. Why are you still
shaking your head. Do you understand?

No, friend. I don't understand.

You speak a different language!
I can speak to you in your language.

-I don't understand.
-I see sadness in your eyes, Kumar.

I don't wanna live anymore.
My sponsor is torturing me!

I don't wanna live anymore.
There's no hope in this life.

Complete despair!

-Ask Allah for His forgiveness.
-May Allah forgive me!

Killing yourself is haram!

Say you die. The sponsor would just
throw out your body and get another cook.

Friend, I'm working.

You're here for work. No!

I'm here to honor Port Emad.

-God help us!
-Yeah.

You know, Kumar.
Each one of us has a problem.

For me, it's those two guys
that I brought here by mistake.

-They're locked up here and can't leave.
-Bibo!

I wanna leave too!

How would you escape from this kitchen?
Hidden in a bowl?

I will tell you how.

Hi, Sally. What's this?

What's this smoke? Again, Sally?
You burnt the food again!

Never mind. We'll order something.

It smells so weird.

What were you cooking?
It smells like...

weed.

Amsterdam weed.

Such sweet memories!

Hey, babe!

Hey, dude!

God help us!

God help us!

You're not Kumar.
You're the Prince of Revenge.

Friend, I have a plan.
I'll be out in two years.

How did you dig it?

You dug this whole thing with that spoon?

Why didn't you think...

to use this? You would've done it faster.

I'll fill this hole
and start digging another with that.

Listen.

This escaping thing...

a distant dream.

There's no hope.

There's no hope!

So you're not one of the State men.
You're here by mistake.

Exactly.
All of this is because of that dork, Bibo.

How did you get here, Sally?
Were you born here?

I worked on the Arab League Street.

One day, this boss of mine

asked me to participate in peace talks
for a couple of hours.

I agreed without asking for extra pay.

Apparently, they liked me. They sent me
to Lebanon for more peace talks.

I woke up one day to find myself kidnapped
and brought here.

Did you ever try to escape?

Many times. You can't get out of here
without the help of the Emir's men.

I saw them throw three men from a building
because they tried to run away.

-From a building?
-Imagine it.

I like the people here and the trees too.

What trees?
I can't even find a little weed!

Why don't they number the tents.
I was gonna get seriously hurt!

I'm glad you're finally here.

This jerk is trying to convince me
to settle here.

-What do you expect from a madman?
-What's wrong with living here?

I like it here a lot.

What's to like here? My hair is ruined!
No shampoo or hair conditioner!

My poor wife puts potash in her hair.

She'd be dazzled
if I got her Fiancée cream!

Hani!

-Hani, I'm afraid.
-Don't be, Samir.

-No, I'm afraid.
-Don't be, Samir.

We'll stay here until there's a chance
for us to run away.

-I'm afraid!
-I said don't be!

I'm hungry!

-Should I get you food?
-No!

I asked my wife to make us
one of their local dishes.

European dishes. You should know, Hani,
That she...

is a foreigner!

-A foreigner?
-My wife is a foreigner too.

My wife is a foreigner
with brown hair and fair skin.

Mine too, Hani.

My wife has skin is as fair as milk
and brown hair.

Only milkmen use those comparisons.

Listen to this one.
My wife has a birthmark.

-You shouldn't tell me private things.
-You're like a brother to me.

-She's your wife!
-I don't mind.

I have a surprise for you, Hani.
My wife has a birthmark too.

My wife's birthmark is white and black
like a Cairo taxi.

Like a taxi. My wife's also...

Why did you stop talking, Hani?

-I can't hear you anymore, Hani!
-I got nothing to say. You win!

-It's the same taxi.
-What are you saying?

Looks like we both married the same woman!

What? So the Emir is saving resources?

No! Don't say that!
Does that mean it's one woman

-for the whole State?
-Shut up!

-It's just you and me.
-Did you sleep with her?

I wanted to.

But I felt sorry for myself.

I cried while watching her.

-They're twins.
-We told you. Foreigners!

So beautiful!

-She's my wife, man!
-May Allah forgive our sins!

Obscenity, immorality and hashish?
Where did you get the hashish, Samir?

-I didn't get it. It came to me.
-How does hashish come to someone?

My wife did us the honor.
Also, this isn't hashish, ignorant ass!

-It's weed.
-Weed weed!

-You'll get me in trouble.
-Sit the hell down!

-Don't ruin the good mood!
-You're gonna ruin all our lives.

May Allah guide you to the right path.

How can there be a town
where only the Emir has a mobile phone?

Yes. And the leaders have all the cars!

Don't throw it all away.

You're much better than me.
For instance, you, Hani,

are his cultural advisor.
And you are his personal guard.

You're welcome to come and work
as his personal guard.

I was standing behind him
while he gave a lecture

and he asked me to fix his thobe!

That's your job!

My job is to guard him.

-From death!
-Was the thobe out to kill him?

And you, Hani. What's your problem?
You're a respectable cultural advisor.

Advisor? I help him get dressed.

I agreed and I asked him
to let me choose better clothes for him.

I found a green thobe with sequins
in his closet.

-Sequins?
-Yeah!

-A pink thobe with a cigarette burn hole.
-Cigarette burn hole!

A hole this big. He's so weird!

I told him that his style as a whole
is shitty!

-What's wrong with the Emir's style?
-What's wrong?

It's a mix between Shafiq Galal
in Al Zaeem and Adel Emam in Dictator.

-The style of a madman!
-Don't talk like that about our Emir.

I hear something moving back there.

Yeah, my wife is making popcorn.

Really? Thank you, lady.
You're too generous!

-Dear God!
-Sorry!

-Kumar will redo his calculations.
-It's all right, Kumar.

-Go back and try again.
-Good evening, dude!

-Good evening, sweetum!
-He's flirting with your wife, man.

-Life is hopeless, Bibo.
-Fuck your despair!

-There's no hope.
-There's no hope.

-No hope.
-You give cigarettes away just like that?

To jihad!

Shit! You're going on a raid!

-Why would we go to Riyadh?
-You're going to war!

Allah is the Greatest. Thank God!

You lucky bastard! You wanted to go to war
and this is your chance.

Our chance.

Guys, I've never carried a weapon before.

What are we gonna do, Hani?

We're off to kill people.

Listen, we'll wait for them
to leave the cars.

-Then flee during the fight.
-If they see us,

-they'll kill us.
-We're dead anyway.

What's with you two?
Why are you so scared?

You should be happy now
that you're going to jihad.

-Jihad?
-Yes!

-Jihad against infidels.
-What infidels? Wake up, you moron!

You think you're off to free your country?

We're killing other human beings!

PORT EMAD STATE

-Listen!
-What?

-Let's hide in that house until it's over.
-Okay.

Watch out!

Close it!

Don't be scared.

We're not gonna hurt you.

We'll just wait here
until the fight is over.

Congratulations, men!
You caught a number of Khawarij.

Kill them for Allah's reward.

Kill them!

Do it.

You traitors! I must inform the Emir.

There is no God but Allah!

Dear God! Supporter to those
who have patience.

Sir! Dear sir!

You've been sitting silently
for two hours now.

You asked for food. We got it.

You asked for tea. We got it.

Who the hell are you?

What he means is, introduce yourself.

Adham Sabry.

Man of the Impossible?

Are you serious?
I admire you so much, Master!

-I have all your novels stacked--
-What novels?

-I'm a big fan!
-We need to get out of here!

One of the Emir's men is dead.

-If they catch us, they'll crucify us.
-They'll think he died in combat.

You still haven't explained why you did it
and why you're helping us!

My dear.

-It's a very long story.
-Finally, he's talking.

Talking? He's falling asleep.

Sir!

Don't startle him.

We were given a task.

To finish a number of state leaders.

We accomplished most of the task.

But unfortunately,

we were ambushed.

My friends all died.

I survived death.

But unfortunately,

-I became... as you see.
-You've been sitting here ever since?

Have you got no relatives?
Why didn't you go to the embassy?

Just because I was hurt

doesn't mean I should flee the battle
or give up.

I'll fight
as long as they're still fighting.

But, sir, how will you fight
when you are...

excuse me for saying, incapable.

-Hani!
-What do you mean incapable?

Because you are in a...

-He means you're disabled!
-Bibo!

-Don't you have any manners?
-I'm not disabled.

I was wounded in action.

It's true that God

took away my ability to walk,
but there's a lot I can still do.

I can poison their sheep.
I can puncture their car tires

before they leave for a fight.

I can steal their leaders' slippers
during the Friday Prayer.

-You're fighting terrorism with terrorism.
-No!

He's fighting terrorism
with stolen slippers.

Even if all I have left is my tongue,

I can do a lot with it.

Like what, Sir? Spit on them?

I received information about an attack
that will take place in Egypt.

Did you just receive it?

They were waiting
for information and pictures.

A traitorous bastard
delivered them on a flash drive.

A flash drive!

-You're playing dumb now?
-This attack must be stopped.

-We can't stop shit!
-Yes, we can. Together.

Is that a TV commercial?

Excuse me, Sir. All we want
is to get out of here. Tell us how.

Get closer to the Emir
and gain his trust

until he assigns the Egypt attack to you.

I can't get any closer to him.
Apparently I look like his dead fiancée.

Do you see how he thinks?

-He's right.
-You get it?

Don't worry. I will help you.

How will you do that?

-Take this.
-What is this? A key chain? What is it?

Let me see that.

Are we supposed to raise it
until it gets bigger?

Mr. Adham. What's this little thing?
How do we protect ourselves with this?

Little kids around here carry RPGs.

I saw someone parking a tank
on the way here.

Don't forget. Get closer to the Emir
and gain his trust.

-How do we do that?
-Keep your friends close

and your enemies... closer.

Is that your Facebook status?

-This is a quote. You didn't write it.
-Hani, stop! Stop talking!

He's got one foot in the grave.
Who are you arguing with?

-Peace be upon you.
-Peace and blessings upon you!

He totally forgot he's disabled.

Kumar!

-Where's the food?
-Nothing is certain.

-Nothing is certain.
-Kumar!

-Kumar, where is...
-Nothing is certain.

-Nothing is certain, Bibo.
-What?

-Nothing is certain.
-What are you doing with that gun?

I wanna kill the Emir

-and my sponsor.
-God help us!

-What did he do to you now?
-He uses me as a shooting target.

He says, "Kumar, stand as a target."
"Kumar, cook the food."

-And at night, Bibo--
-Don't say it!

What does he ask at night? Of course!
You're walking around in a skirt!

No! At night he says, "Dance, Kumar!"
Kumar does not dance! Heinous!

Did I not tell you before
that suicide is haram?

-Do you wanna die?
-May Allah forgive me. Yes.

I'll kill you in a halal way.
Let me tell you how.

You'll go down the tunnel.

You'll attempt to run away.
They'll catch you and kill you.

-Halal or not?
-Halal indeed.

-You're dead.
-Halal.

-Great!
-Great!

-Thank God.
-Farewell!

See you in paradise!

I don't know what to say, Hani.

Don't say anything.
This is your brother's house.

-You're a generous man!
-You're very welcome.

God bless... What is that?

Sally, remind me to install a gate
for the tent to keep intruders out.

Brothers!

If those people caught us smoking weed,
they'd kill us.

Are you such a dickhead
that you'd tell them?

They don't need anyone to tell them.
They can smell it from over there!

Have some sense!

-I need to talk to you.
-Take this first.

-No, don't give him weed.
-Okay. Here's a banana.

A banana, Hani?

-This is your brother's tent.
-Why would I want a banana?

He's just being nice to you!

-What's wrong?
-I'm not a monkey.

-Don't take the banana. Take a guava.
-I have a cold!

-Fine. What do you want?
-Nothing!

-What do you want?
-I don't want guava.

-You're in my tent--
-Shut the hell up! What do you want?

-I don't want guava!
-You ruined our amusing night!

-Amusing night? Should we dance for you?
-I was smoking fucking weed!

-Behave yourself!
-You behave yourself!

-I don't want a banana.
-What do you want?

-I want a mandarin.
-There you go! Shut up now.

-Shut the hell up!
-I want--

-Shut up!
-That's enough!

I have something very important
to talk to you about.

We need to find a way to get closer
to this damned Emir.

We need to gain his trust till he lets us
go to Egypt so we can leave.

-Do you notice anything strange?
-Yeah. He's changed his tone.

The damned Emir. The dogs outside.

-There's a change in character.
-Enough already.

I was wrong. I'm thinking straight now.

One more thing. Be careful of Kumar.

-Why is that?
-This "no hope" state he's in

has turned into severe depression.

He wants to kill himself,
his sponsor and the Emir.

The Emir and his sponsor both?

That guy has always seemed
a little cuckoo.

-I just hope it doesn't come down--
-You little snake!

You're thinking the same thing,
aren't you?

I told you
we'd make a great couple, but not here.

Mr. Hani, we're sitting right here!

Wait until we leave
then get it on under the covers.

-Why would you do that? Why?
-We didn't do anything, you crazy!

I just had a great idea.

We should push Kumar
to do that thing he wants to do.

What good would come if we push
that poor guy into committing suicide?

Let me explain it.

We convince Kumar to kill the Emir.

Then we warn the Emir and gain his trust.
He'll put us on the Egypt attack.

This Kumar thing
is a blessing in disguise.

My God!

Hani, you're a son of a gun!

In the name of Allah!

-No, your highness!
-Are you crazy?

It's poisoned!

We saw Kumar putting his nose...
putting poison in the food.

Kumar! Are you sure?

Of course. I saw him putting poison
in the food when I was washing the dishes.

Abu El Bara'!

-My Emir!
-Get Kumar before he escapes!

I had a feeling.

I had a feeling!

You saved my life.
You saved me from death!

You saved the rest of my life.

That's a lot of redundancy.
Three sentences with the same meaning!

We are just a tool in God's hands
sent to save you.

-You're romanticizing it!
-Thank you.

But I like you!

You know what? I'm gonna dine with you
tonight in my Berry, my royal tent.

I'll throw you a feast
that you wouldn't even dream of.

We're with you.

What's all that fuss with these Egyptians?
Let's eat! Come on, let's eat.

He asked for it, Your Highness.

I had a feeling that jewelry
would be mine one day.

Eat!

I'm a surgeon, treating people's hearts

While spending the nights
Trying to hide my own wounds

Nice!

I'm a surgeon, treating people's hearts

Bibo!

Does this Emir deal with Jinn?

Did you see anything suspicious?

I'm seeing weird creatures dancing!

I'm a surgeon, treating people's hearts

I'm a surgeon, treating people's hearts!

I'm done!

Go away.

Go away.

Oh boy.

-The first one is playful!
-Georges Wassouf's song.

Georges Wassouf, people!

Better than drugs and weed.

There seems to be something that's been
troubling you for a while, Your Highness.

I'll tell you, Hani.

There's this task that I have to do.
It's troubling my mind.

Tell us, Your Highness. We're your men!

Do you see this?
We will steal the Tahya Misr box.

He's nuts!

Your Highness, it's a fund.
Not an actual box!

Don't frustrate me! Do you have any idea
who assigned me this? The caliph.

The caliph himself said to me,
"Abu Emad, I need you to get me this box!"

We are your men, victorious!

Stop cheering. You're not in Destiny!

I just thought I'd shout that
to spur his enthusiasm.

You'll go to Abu El Bara' first thing
in the morning to get your passports.

You'll go back to Lebanon to meet our men.

Then head to Egypt.

Come back safe, men!
Don't disappoint me in this task!

Have a good night. See you!

LEBANON 8:05 P.M.

-What the hell is this?
-Shit!

-We're gonna be kidnapped again.
-What's going on?

My God! This is the big boss.

Shitty shit!

-What do we do?
-We tell them we're with them.

I'm worried that the Emir
might have found out about the plan.

Or another group looking to take us!
Everyone is now...

-stepping all over us.
-They're gone.

Wait. Someone is leaving the car.

It's my uncle! You devil!

-How are you, son?
-I'm good. I missed you, Uncle.

What am I seeing? You look so glamorous!

You have no idea what happened to me
these past two weeks.

-What happened?
-You have no idea...

Those two weeks and all that happened!

What happened, Uncle?
Quick. We're in a hurry.

I know, that's why I gave you
one sentence to express it all.

You have no idea what happened
the past two weeks.

Excuse me, Mr. Ali. Could you hurry up?
We're too hungry.

-Does he have Alzheimer's?
-Easy.

-Who is that, Samir?
-This is Bibo.

-He looks like a dork.
-I told you he'd like you.

-You have no idea what happened--
-Please! Tell us one thing that happened!

-You have no idea what happened--
-Uncle, please! You're embarrassing me!

-Remember Buffy?
-Fluffy Buffy!

Fluffy, you little brat!

-She's my wife now.
-Seriously?

-We had Laila together.
-Seriously?

-Yeah.
-I just left two weeks ago!

-Everything here happens super fast.
-Enough about Buffy and all that shit.

-Let's go, Uncle.
-Where to, son?

-To Egypt.
-Egypt!

-No, I'm staying here.
-Stay what?

-Staying here.
-Stay what?

What the hell are you talking about?

See ya! Take care of the dork.
Let's go, bunny.

Bunny? He's lost forever!

I'm gonna go back and tell everyone
that the old Ali is dead.

The old Ali is dead!

Dead and buried!

CAIRO AIRPORT 12:03 A.M.

I wanna have Hummus Al Sham.

You got it.
We'll have some when we go downtown.

I'm craving...

In the name of Allah.

I swear to God, Sir.

You don't even need to make a fist.

I'm a drug dealer.

-I swear I'm a drug dealer.
-What the hell are you doing?

-Drugs or terrorism?
-Why does it have to be either?

God is our protector!

Listen, Sir. I'll tell you
everything I know. It was...

a weird trip anyway.
I was going to Miss Lebanon.

Exactly, he was there as a tourist.

All of a sudden,
I got involved with those people.

I'm just gonna spill it out for you.

-I'm a Christian.
-I'll give it to you in a nutshell, Sir.

That crazy man let us in on his plan
when we were held at his State.

We used it to escape.
We're not with them. We're here to help.

So, that's the whole thing.
Are you with me, or stuck in the nutshell?

-Why? Please don't kill us!
-There's no God but Allah!

-He'll kill himself!
-We'll be framed for it. No!

-He's crazy!
-So was Mussolini. Don't say it out loud.

Sorry I'm late, Officer Mohsen.

Go ahead, Sir. I'll take it from here.

Does he think it's cool to carry
a lighter that looks like a gun?

Why did you hang it?

-So, what are you doing here?
-Just a second, Sir.

I have a question.

The other officer who is...

Matrix bald,

he wasn't here to interrogate us?

No, I'll be conducting the interrogation.

So, the cigarettes and apple...

What are you saying, Sir?
I want to report him!

He made me pee in my pants!

Why are you so scared?
What did he do to you?

Not to us. To the apple!

Honestly, he violated the apple!

Yes, a violent scene.
He caused me to admit that I'm a dealer...

-A dealer?
-A dealer of happiness.

-Oh my long starry night!
-A singer.

There was an armed robbery
at the Central Bank.

A terrorist group wanted
to rob the TM Fund.

We just escaped from that group.

-Sir.
-What is it?

The terrorist group sent this.

-That's him.
-That's the man!

In the name of Allah.

I'm Abu Emad, President of Port Emad.

I kidnapped those tourists.

I want you to bring the box to me.

The men who ran away to Egypt
will be the ones to bring it.

I know you have them.

Listen carefully.

If I don't receive that box,

I'll cut a hand off every ten minutes.

If you're late, I'll kill one of them
every fifteen minutes.

-You have ten hours.
-Nine, Emir.

-Ten minutes per tourist, six tourists.
-Sixty minutes.

Sixty minutes and fifteen more.
This is not our first kidnapping mission.

No, it isn't.

Damn it! The TM Fund? How do I get that?

If a tourist is harmed, I'm done!

We've been telling you this
but you're not listening.

I tried to talk to him
and convince him that it's an expression.

Honestly, he tried!

I have an idea, Sir.

Let's frame him for a drug case.
He'll be arrested. Piece of cake.

Am I the only one thinking logically?

If you have something realistic, say it.
Otherwise I'll put you in a cell.

I have a realistic idea.

Honestly, Hani is the best educated
among us. Speak up, Hani.

The genius will solve it for you.

The ten hours are almost up.

When will they bring the box?

I'm talking to you, man. Answer me!

There's the box!

-Where?
-Up there!

I missed you, men! Open the box
and let's see the money!

Officer Sayed!

Did you think I wouldn't find you,
Abu Emad?

The police will get you,
even if you're still unborn.

Officer Sayed! Major General!

Please forgive me! Please!

I had no idea they were your men.
Don't lock me up, man!

I don't take any profit!
I swear I don't.

Good job, guys. Good job!

Egypt will always remember
what you did.

We know you unintentionally
got involved with those people.

We caught them with your help.

But I don't need to tell you
that this must be kept a secret.

Go back to your normal lives.

Semsem!

How is the patient?

She's waiting inside. Everything is ready.

Still waiting. Perfect!

Sterilize the instruments
and prepare 40 grams of Oxinitro.

The bigger it got,

the more the authorities hammered me.
That's not all.

This son of a bitch named Officer Sayed.

You know what happened? We made no profit!

Kumar!

Emir!

There is no hope!

Subtitle translation by
Ahmed Khedr