What a Way to Go! (1964) - full transcript

$17.52.

That settles my back taxes
for '59 and '60.

- That does it.
- Gougers, all of you.

- Gougers!
- Don't tell it to me.
I make 60 bucks a week here.

[Snickers]

- Go ahead, lady. I can wait.
- Oh, thank you.

Is this where you give the money in?

Excuse me.
Is this where you give the money in?

[Gulps]
Let me see your form, miss.

I mean, did you make out a form?
I mean, where are your papers?

Oh. This is the only paper
that I thought was necessary.



Oh, I can't take your check
without the regular 1040 form.

It's to be sure it's the correct amount
according to your return.

Well, this isn't according
to any return. It's just money.

I wanna give it to the government.

Well, this is very irregular.

First of all, this is the Department
of Internal Revenue and...

Oh, I get it.

April fool. Next!

- No, please.
- Next!

And... And I went to see
the head clerk...

and then the assistant
to the Secretary of Treasury...

and then the Secretary of Treasury...

[Sniffles]
But...

[Sobs] but when I insisted
on seeing the president...



they insisted I come to see you!

[Sobs]
Dr. Svenson...

do you think I'm crazy too?

[Sobbing]

The... The name is "Steffanson"...

Victor Steffanson...

and, um... and we never
use that word around here.

Now, Mrs. Benson, you just take
one of these and try to relax. Here.

- [Crying]
- You know, Mrs...

[Gasps]
Aaah! Pink!

Pink. They're pink pills!

- My husband was pink!
I can't take a pink pill!
- Ju-Just crunch it.

Crunch it right down.
Th-That's right. That's right.

[Sobbing]

- Uh, Mrs. Benson...
- [Crying]

You are obviously the victim
of some inner disturbance...

in which, well,
for the want of a better word...

your guilts have led you
to a state of fantasy...

in which, um, "A,"

you are burdened
with some fantastic wealth...

and... and "B," you are eager
to rid yourself of it...

as in the ancient ritual of exorcising
some dybbuk or, uh, evil spirit.

- [Sobs]
- Now, now, now, now.
Now, this is normal.

- [Phone Buzzes]
- Excuse me.

[Crying Continues]

Yes. Please don't...
What?

Oh, yes.
Put him on, please.

Oh, hello, Fred. Uh-huh.
You investigated. And?

F-Fred.
Th-The check is good?

[Sniffling]

Uh-huh. Yes.

Uh-huh.
Thank you, Fred.

[Crying Continues]

I have the strangest
tingling sensation in my...

my toes.

Are you all right?

What?

- Uh, w-what happened?
- Well, "A," you fainted
and "B," I poured water on you.

I'm terribly sorry,
but I didn't know what else to do.

No, it-it's all right.
You did the right thing.
[Exhales Deeply]

Um, do you faint often?

Oh, just once in a while.

It's the shock of realization whenever
I've been dead wrong about something.

The fainting is, um, running away,
as it were...

from the reality that I'm not...

[Sniffles]
I'm not infallible.

[Sniffles] Y-You see,
it's been the pattern of my life...

from the time I was a...

Wait a minute.
What is this?

Who's doing what to who...
or whom?

Mrs. Benson,
you are a young woman...

who is apparently worth
in the neighborhood of... $200 million!

And for some incredible reason,
you wanna give it to the government!

Y-You don't need a psychiatrist.
You need your head examined.

- Now, out of my office! Out!
- No, Dr. Steffanson.

- Out of my office!
- You said something a minute ago...

that was very understanding and true.

I never heard it expressed before.
But I want your help.

- Mrs...
- Oh, please!

Ah, yes.

Yes, the oath I took forbids me
to turn away from a cry for help.

S-Sit down, Mrs. Benson.

Oh! It was what you said about
my wanting to get rid of my money...

like exorcising some evil spirit.

- Ah, yes.
- Dr. Steffanson.

- Mm-hmm?
- I think I may be some kind of a witch.

Oh-ho-ho. Come, come now,
Mrs. Benson.

This is the 19th centur...
er, uh, 20th century.

No! Really!
Every man whose life I touch withers.

Really?
Uh, Mrs...

Mrs. Benson, please,
just turn over and... and try to relax.

[Whimpers]

Go right ahead.
[Crunching]

Well, I was born Louisa May Foster...

in the small town of Crawleyville, Ohio.

Oh, I can't understand it.
I never wanted money.

All I ever wanted
was to lead a simple life...

with one man to love
and to love me.

[Chuckles] A simple life
somewhere in a little cottage...

that's all I ever wanted
ever since I was a little girl
with my mother and father.

Oh, your mother.
What was your mother like?

Mother? Well...

Mother kept Daddy and me clean,
neat as a pin, and took us to church
every Sunday.

So now I say unto you,
love thy neighbor as thyself.

'Tis better to give than to receive.

Money is the root of all evil.

[Louisa Narrating]
Mother even had embroidered
these very sentiments...

on samplers
for our living room at home.

But we were poor, and Mother
found it hard to live up to these ideas.

Good day, Mrs. Jenkins.

Sherman, did you see Emily Jenkins?

That slob smothered in a mink cape.

I hate her guts!

Look what I've got.

Her husband was a shipping clerk
15 years ago, same as you.

Now look at him. Look at you. Where's
your drive? Where's your ambition?

That's what counts in this world...
Success! Money!

Success! Money!
President of the Nice Fellows Club!

[Scoffs]

[Louisa Narrating]
Money! Success! Get to the top!

Money! Success! Money!
Money, money, money!

As the years went by...

I saw my dear, sweet Daddy
dwindle away under this...

till you practically didn't know
he was there.

I began to understand what Mother
really meant by those samplers.

You play your cards right
and we'll have more money than we need.

But, Mother, money isn't everything!

I know Leonard Crawley
owns Crawley's Emporium...

and three quarters of the property
in Crawleyville...

but I'm not gonna marry him just
because he's the richest man in town.

He's a sneak and a bore
and a drag...

and, oh, he's been
with every girl there is...

and besides, I don't love him!

- There's no such thing as love!
- He's a snob!

He's ashamed of you
and where we live.

Why, he won't even walk in this house
when he comes to call for me.

I wouldn't come in here either,
if I didn't have to.

Louisa, you turned out real beautiful.

You have something to sell.
Take a mother's advice. Sell it now!

- [Sobs]
- [Horn Honking]

- There's Leonard. You better hurry.
- No, I'm not going!

How dare you turn down
a man like Leonard Crawley!

I tell you he has money.
You go and get it!

[Louisa Narrating]
Leonard was waiting.

I thought over
everything he had to offer.

The Crawley home, the Crawley stables...

Crawley's department store...

but then there was Leonard himself.

Leonard Crawley was, um...

Hmm. How shall I say it?

Well, that's not fair, I guess.

He was just Leonard Crawley,
son of wealth.

Put 'er right down next to mine, baby.

- Gee, I wish I'd said that.
- Aw, you can use it anytime you want.

- Just give credit to Crawley.
- [Engine Starts]

That's more than Crawley
ever did for anyone else in this town.

Oh, by the way,
you better let your mom know...

that the payment's due
on her refrigerator.

Don't let her get the idea
that 'cause we're getting married...

I'm gonna let her off the hook.

Oh, no, no. By the way,
she couldn't be your real mother.

She must've been
left on your front doorstep...

one stormy night in a cage.

Why are you so intent on marrying me...

when it's perfectly obvious
I'm indifferent to you...

and all of the so-called advantages
you have to offer?

That's just it, baby.
You're the only girl in town...

who doesn't throw herself in front of me
in the mud and scream, "Take me."

You know, you suggest good breeding.

Heaven knows where you got it from.

But, uh, also
you'll produce me an heir...

and, uh, then my mother
will stop nagging me...

about carrying on the Crawley tradition.

- Any better reason than that
for getting married, huh?
- [Patting]

- Hmm?
- How about love?

Love?
Well, let me put it this way, honey.

I'm very rich and you're very poor.

And sooner or later,
you're gonna come around.

Mm. You know the indifference I felt?

[Sniffs]
Hmm?

Well, it's beginning to change.

- It's beginning to blossom
into complete contempt.
- [Chuckles]

- [Patting]
- What'd I tell you, honey?

I told you you were gonna come around
sooner or later.

[Tires Screeching]

I gotta pick up the 6:00 town news
from my store manager.

Mm. The Crawley gestapo.

- [Honking Horn]
- Ohhh, yes.

Huh? Oh, that eyesore.

The only spot in town we don't own.

But it's just a matter of time before
old Hopper will come around.

Just like you, baby.

Good afternoon, Mr. Crawley,
Miss Foster. Nice weather we're having.

- All right. Make it fast, Driscoll.
- Yes, sir.

Mrs. Willoughby was five minutes late
getting back from the doctor's today.

- Oh. Five dollars fine off her salary.
- Yes, sir.

Hopper sent back the answer
to your latest bid on his property.

It's still "no."
He says he doesn't want to make money.

He just wants to
keep his little place as it is.

Edgar Hopper.

I haven't run into him
since high school.

Hmm. I wonder how many days
I'd get for manslaughter.

In Crawleyville,
they wouldn't even fine you, sir.

[Starts Engine]

[Tires Squealing]

[Sputters]

[Spits]

- Hi, Lenny.
- Edgar, you better
watch where you're going.

[Chuckles]
Yeah, you're right, Lenny.
I was looking at the sun.

- Aren't you angry?
- Why should I be angry? It was my fault.

- Then maybe we could fight.
- There's no sense in doing that, Lenny.

You'd kick the heck out of me...
all that football and golf and tennis
and everything.

You're a real winner, Lenny.

What are you,
an orthodox coward?

No, Lenny, I just believe
in passive resistance.

[Leonard]
Oh. A Mahatma Hopper, I presume.

No, as a matter of fact, Gandhi and I
both got it from this guy... Henry Thoreau.

You're all covered with mud, Edgar!

Oh. I mean, Mr. Hopper.

Louisa...
Louisa Foster, isn't it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, I haven't seen you
since Mrs. Pritchard's class.

Hey, you've grown... or maybe I shrunk.

He wouldn't be covered
with all this mud...

if he'd let the town
pave that piece of road...

in front of his property
like anybody else.

It costs too much, Lenny.

For what you Crawleys
charge for a bag of cement,
this town oughta be paved with gold.

Thanks, Lenny.
Hey, I gotta be going.

- I don't wanna keep those trout waiting.
- See you.

- Uh, don't grow any more, Miss Foster.
- [Starts Engine]

You're just right now.
Good-bye.

- Bye.
- [Engine Revs]

[Horn Honks]

[Birds Chirping]

[Splashing]

- Oh!
- Hello. Imagine finding you here.

I just happened to be swimming by.

Well, you scared the fish away.

You could pull me in.
I am full grown... you said so yourself.

- Thank you.
- Sit down.

Here. Put this on.

Thanks.
Did you catch any?

Well, yeah.
Three, including you.

[Giggles]
I'll cook them for you.

My clothes are right down there.

Do you have anything to cook them in?

Well, my baronial estate's
right over there.

- Is that where you live?
- Yeah. L... [Chuckles]

It's kind of on the simple side.
I know.

Simple. Yes.

"Oh, our lives are frittered away
by detail.

Simplify, simplify."

What did you say?

- "Our lives are frittered away...
- [Together] "by detail.

Simplify, simplify."

A girl who can quote Thoreau!

Oh, I couldn't quote him before
I went to the library this morning.

I'd never even heard of him
before yesterday.

Wh... Uh, you mean you didn't
swim by my boat just by accident?

[Quietly]
No.

Gee.

What is the future Mrs. Leonard Crawley
doing here anyway?

Well, now,
whatever gave you that idea about me?

Well, I don't know.
Everybody in town takes it for granted.

You are engaged to him, aren't you?

Well, he takes it for granted.

Tsk. Ohhh.

But, Edgar...

as far back as I can remember...

in grammar school,
in Mrs. Pritchard's class...

you know, when I sat in front of you?

I wished that I had had long pigtails
so you could stick them in the inkwell.

[Chuckles]
Did you really?

I'm not gonna marry Leonard Crawley.

Of course, he'll never understand
anyone turning him down.

Especially for you.

Louisa! You...

You mean you'd take this...

instead of all that?

But, Louisa, I've got... nothing.

I'll... I'll always have nothing.

- I'll always be nothing.
- Edgar, that's what I want... nothing.

To quote me and not Thoreau...

I love you.

Oh, Louisa.

I'll make you happy.
I'll never work hard.

I'll never make good.
I swear it!

It's true, Mother.
I've married Edgar Hopper.

[Wailing]

[Louisa Narrating]
Whereas Mother received the
news of my marriage to Edgar...

with ill-disguised displeasure...

Leonard took the news in his stride.

[Narrating Continues]
For a while, Edgar and I
led an idyllic life.

He went off to the store
a couple of hours a week...

but the rest of the time belonged to us.

As I look back on it, I see our life
together as a wonderful old silent movie.

[Theatrical Piano Music]

Oh, I'll have this leak fixed in no time.

Well, that ol' water tank
always gave a lot of trouble.

I'm going down to the store
one of these days...

and get some chicken wire
and fix these springs.

- You can do almost anything
with chicken wire.
- I sure do love chicken wire.

- Leonard.
- If you're thinking of running
something up for dinner...

I'd be pleased to stay.

- Hello, Leonard.
- Hi. Hi.

If it isn't the happy Hoppers at home.
I've been all over the world.

This is the first chance I've had
to come over and see you lovebirds.

You know, I saw the Taj Mahal
by moonlight, Louisa?

- Hmm.
- Oh, but I envy you... here.

- What's that, uh, camera for?
- Oh. I'm doing a documentary.

Slum conditions in, uh, Crawleyville.

- Ahhh.
- Oh, come now, Leonard.

You needn't be such a sore loser.

Well, you gave me up for all this,
and I can understand it, you know?

A nice roof under your feet,
rain a-face at night...

all the grass you can eat.

Hey, Leonard, get outta here before
I twist your head off like a turnip.

Well, is this the voice
of passive resistance speaking?

- No, just get out of here.
- [Screaming]

- [Screaming Continues]
- Oh! Oh, Louisa, you all right?

- Ohhh!
- Oh!

[Laughing] Well, another
innovation for modern living, huh?

Instant shower for milady.

- Well, well.
- I'm afraid I'm not a bit handy, Edgar.

Oh, no, but you are handy.

I could use you at the store
doing odd jobs...

and I'd pay you
and you could be earning a living.

- My wife doesn't have to work! I'm sorry.
- Aaah!

- Ohhh.
- [Sobbing]

- Uh, let me...
- [Sneers]

Ed. Seriously, Ed.
Why don't you come down this afternoon...

and sell me
that piece of property of yours?

Uh, someone could
do something with it...

not you, of course,
but, uh, someone.

- I said to get outta here. Get outta here!
- All right, all right.

I will. I'm gettin' out. Sorry to have
barged in on you kids like this...

but I'll send a Christmas basket.

[Sobs]

What's the matter, darling?

Oh, nothing.
I... think I'll go down to the store...

for a little while this afternoon.

But you were there just 10 days ago!

Well, it's got that chicken wire
I want...

and, uh, some nails.

You know, it's end of summer.

People come home from vacation.
Somebody might want something.

Uh, well, I'll be back.

[Louisa Narrating]
But he never really
did come back...

not the Edgar Hopper I knew.

When he hadn't returned
by the next day, I hurried into town.

[Edgar On P.A.]
Hop, hop into Hopper's.
The lowest prices in town.

Unlimited credit. This is the biggest sale
in the history of our county.

Don't crawl to Crawley's, folks.
Hop, hop to Hopper's.

I guarantee you 10% off
because we've no air conditioning.

This is it, folks.
Right here on Main Street.

Hop, hop to Hopper's.
We undersell everybody.

Come right in, folks.
Instant credit.

If we haven't got it,
we'll get it for you, folks.

Don't crawl to Crawley's.
Hop, hop to Hopper's.

So all you shop...
[Off P.A.] Louisa.

- What is all this?
- Hopper's Taj Mahal, honey,
and it's all for you.

Listen, Louisa, when that snake rattled
into our house, something snapped.

But where have you been?
Why didn't you come home?

There you were, mending the roof...
my wife!

Hop, hop, hop, you shoppers.
Hop to Hopper's.

Honey, I wanna get you things...
dresses and things for the house...

- a house!
- But I like our house.

What is it that makes a family...

go to the same store over
and over and no place else?

Well, I don't know.
Free eats, free toys for the kiddies.

That's it!
We'll stuff'em and then we'll sell 'em.

- [Laughing]
- Hop, hop, hop, you shoppers!
Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's!

Come on, honey.
Let me show you around.

Hey, you kids. Get up on there and keep
with the "Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's."

- Eddie, this is wonderful.
- Oh, thanks, folks.

- Terrific.
- Thanks for coming.

- There's more bargains than that. Okay.
- We'll be back, Eddie.

- Some buys, Eddie.
- [Louisa] Edgar, uh...

- Congratulations, Eddie.
- Oh, thanks. The prices are low,
the goods are right...

so come to Hopper's
from morn till night.

- We'll be back.
- No kidding. We're open
till 10:00 every night.

- How's it going there, folks?
Those are all on sale.
- Oh, great.

- Edgar, when will
we ever see each other?
- Huh?

Honey, as soon as this thing gets going,
we'll have more time together than ever.

But we had all our time
together before.

- What about Thoreau?
- Thoreau?

You don't want to "keep pace"
like all the others. You heard
"a different drummer," remember?

Oh, yeah.
I hear a different drummer, all right.

And the music I hear
says, "Hop, hop, Eddie.

Hop, hop."

Well, it looks like
we've got him at last, Driscoll.

Have we?
The people seem to be eating it up.

[Leonard]
Anybody'll run to look at a freak.

I figure I give him three months and he'll
hop, hop himself right into oblivion.

[Boy On P.A.]
Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's
Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's

Hop, hop, hop, hop to Hopper's

Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's, Hop

For-Forgive me, sir,
but we really must advertise.

We must, huh?
You're fired!

- [Bell Ringing]
- [Santa] Merry Christmas and
a hop, hop, "hoppy" new year!

Merry Christmas...

and a hop, hop, "hoppy" new year!

- I really bought a lot of stuff.
- I think you bought out the store.

And it's no trouble at all,
Mrs. Freeman. No trouble.

If you can't leave Hopper's,
Hopper's leaves with you.

Hey, Ned, you drop Mrs. Freeman off
on your way home, okay?

Okay, boss.

Oh, thank you, Edgar,
and Merry Christmas.

- Edgar.
- Be right with you, lady.
Merry Christmas, Mrs. Freeman!

- [Laughing]
- Edgar.

Oh, hi, honey!
Excuse me. I gotta get back.

But, Edgar,
aren't you coming home soon?

Ooh, I'm sorry, Louisa.
We're staying open till midnight tonight.

- What's the matter?
- Nothing.

I'm just a little lonely, that's all.

What? In that big beautiful
new house, lonely?

I'm the only one who's ever in it.

Edgar, it's Christmas.

But, yes, and Christmas is business...
big business.

You're working entirely too hard,
darling.

Honey, by this time next year, we'll be
so rich we can take a real vacation.

- Italy?
- Italy.

- [Santa] Merry Christmas!
- Besides, what's the matter with work?

- A little hard work never killed anybody.
- Merry Christmas...

- Hi there.
- And a hop, hop, "hoppy" new year.

[Sighs]

[Louisa Narrating]
Edgar's hard work included hitting out...

with every modern sales device
known to man...

- [Girl Cackles]
- and Crawleyville
was his captive audience.

We were millionaires overnight.

Darling,
I've checked the hotels in Rome...

and I have the reservations
for our vacation.

I'm sorry, honey.
That'll have to wait till next year.

- Next year?
- Yes, next year.

In the meantime,
get yourself a couple of art books...

and a box of spaghetti.

Oh! You liar!
You cheat!

- You deceived me!
- Deceived you?

What, you think I got a blond tootsie
on the side or something?

Oh! I just wish you had!

At least then
I'd know you were relaxing!

[Sobs, Gasps]

Ohhh.

Oh! You don't even
have any feelings anymore.

When we got married,
you promised for better or for worse...

that you'd never make good,
that you'd always be nothing!

Well, look at us! We're so rich
we never even see each other anymore.

Edgar! You're "frittering away your life
in detail. Simplify, simplify."

Simplify schmimmplify!
A little hard work never killed anybody.

[Louisa Narrating]
Edgar was bewitched like
the sorcerer's apprentice.

- He couldn't stop.
- Get me 300,000 feet
of rust-proof chicken wire.

- [Telephones Ringing]
- What is with our order...

on the Mother Goose
atomic disintegrator kit?

No, make 'em think they can't live
without doorknobs that light up
in the dark. Think big!

Our musical mop which plays
"Let Me Call You Sweetheart,
I'm in Love with You,"

is a marketing failure.

Get something happier
like "Star and Stripes Forever"
to guarantee musical mop-up.

So it is just a simple equation!

Service quotient "X" plus
condensation-atmospheric quotient "Y"...

plus smile-and-affability quotient "X"...

show in the last three months
a sales gain line...

that has hop, hop, hopped
right off the lousy board!

In short, boys,
we are becoming, by the figures...

the big, bigger, biggest!

Uh, "In re yours of the 23rd,
I am impatiently awaiting your order."

Uh, "Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."

"There can be no delays. If you insist
on delaying, you can always be replaced.

Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."

"Since your delivery service
has not been quick enough...

"we are terminating
our agreement with you.

Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."

"I'd like all those folders rushed out
to the entire mailing list by Monday.

Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."

"Order canceled. We asked you for goods,
you gave us promises.

Hastily yours," uh, "Edgar Hopper."

"All the displays in all the branch stores
must be changed daily and rotated.

Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."

"That is my final word on the subject.
Hastily yours, Edgar Hopper."

"I've got to have
10,000 bedsprings at once.

"Hostilely yours, Edgar Haper...
Heaver..." uh, "Hop..."

Uh, uh, "Hastily yours, the hop head,"

uh, "Hastily yours, the Boss."

All right. I'd like that
all in triplicate right away.

Mr. Hopper, no one can work like this.
The pace, it's too fast.

W-We're not machines.
We're human beings.

There is no place here
for anyone who cannot keep up
with the pace of modern living.

You are fired.

[Keystrokes]

[Keystrokes Continue]

[Laughing]
Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's.
Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's.

Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's.
Hop, hop, hop to Hopper's.

[Telephone Ringing]

[Ring]

Yes? It happened!

[Laughing]
Get me my house, quick!

You just closed the deal?
My wife! Hurry!

Leonard Crawley
just handed over the keys.

Louisa. Louisa! Louisa!

[Telephone Ringing]

- Hello.
- Louisa, it happened.

- What's happened?
- The next time you walk down Main Street...

there won't be any Crawley's there.

It's gonna say "Hopper's."
Louisa, I did it!

I wiped him out!
He's through in this town!

[Sighs] I guess that's
what you wanted, isn't it?

Oh, I got what I wanted. And I got money,
wealth, success, position.

And next year, this town
is gonna be called Hopperville.

And how'd I get all these things?
Through work.

Just good hard work.
[Slaps Desk]

[Laughing]
Which all goes to prove...

that a little hard work
never killed anybody.

"And outside of the bequest...

"of one roll of chicken wire
to Leonard Crawley...

"I bequeath my entire fortune
and worldly goods...

to my wife,
Louisa May Foster Hopper."

[Louisa Narrating]
Edgar had left me
approximately $2 million...

in cash and securities.

And as Thoreau probably never said,
that's a lot of let tuce.

[Sobbing]

But, uh, my dear...

you... you mustn't think that this,
in any way, makes you a witch.

Oh, of course,
it is tragic that Edgar died...

but one swallow
doesn't make a summer.

Your, uh, behavior sounds exemplary
to say the least, the very least.

[Whimpers]
Oh, why did Edgar change that way?

Oh, normal.
Quite normal.

You see, he was the, uh...
the weakest of the tribe...

who had somehow won the prize... you...

without really having had
to fight for you.

Uh, latent feelings of inadequacy
lay dormant...

until he was triggered by
Leonard parading before you in
his rich, many-colored feathers.

Edgar, naturally,
felt impelled to get even more feathers...

and driven by this ego drive,
he smothered in his own, uh, feathers.

[Chuckles]
It happens every day, you know.

Tell me, um,
what happened to the other feather...

or, uh, fellow, this, uh, Leonard?

I never heard from him again.

[Whimpers]

- Dr. Steffanson... Aaah! Aaah!
- Oh!

Oh! Oh! Louisa!

I'm sorry. Just relax!
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.

[Both Grunting]

There.
Now, please, please, ju-just relax.

- Mm. Yes. [Exhales Deeply]
- Try to relax.

Uh, y-you were saying about,
uh, Leonard. Leonard.

W-Where did Leonard go?

Uh, well...

he just walked away
like a plucked chicken.

Uh-huh. Normal.
Quite... Quite normal.

Yeah. Well, I...
[Breathing Heavily]

- I put all the money in the bank and...
- [Crunching]

- I gave the house to Mama.
- Uh-huh.

Then I took a small allowance
for myself and I got out of Crawleyville.

Mm-hmm.

I took a trip to Europe alone,
to Paris.

I wanted to forget...

and I was determined
never to marry again.

[Louisa Narrating]
The bus tours were thrilling
and exhausting.

[Man Yelling In French]

- [Horn Honking]
- [Horn Beeping]

Place de la, uh...

des jardins de...

Ohhh.

- "Est-ce que..."
- I ain't got all day, lady.
Where do you wanna go?

- Oh. You speak English.
- All of us foreigners do. It's compulsory.

You American?

Nah, lady,
I'm a Russian spy for the C.I.A.

Well, what'll it be, huh...

go to the American ghetto
at the bar at the Georges Cinq...

or go visit
some of your phony friends...

learning about life
at Les Deux Magots?

Well, frankly, I'd like to do either,
but, uh, I don't know anybody here.

[Men Conversing French]

- [Horns Honking]
- [Conversation Continues]

[Shouting In French]

[Arguing In French]

Well?

- Oh. Well.
- [Argument In French Continues]

Uh, well, I think I'd like to
see some more pictures.

I've just been through the Louvre,
and that was wonderful.

The Louvre. Now, what is that?
It's the garbage pail of the arts.

- [Horns Continue Honking]
- Et vous! Allez, allez!

Demarrez!

Well, uh, how about the show
at the Galeries Lafayette?

That's a department store, lady...

but I'd rather hang up
one of their face towels
than some of that other junk.

Listen, I'm sure
you're an expert taxi driver...

and I don't mean
to belittle your profession...

but why should I listen
to your opinion on art?

Because I happen to be
one of five people today...

who could definitely
be called an artist.

- [Horns Continue Honking]
- Maybe six, including Frieda.

- Who's Frieda?
- A chimpanzee on my block.

[Grunting]

Oh, that's great.
That's great.

I mean, you see a technique like that,
it just wipes you out.

- I go ape!
- Uh, what is it?

What is it?
Innocence!

Van Gogh had it, but, uh,
then he had to chop his ear off...

in order to free himself.

- Free himself from what?
- Intellectual hang-up.

You know, if we could all do that,
go back to a life like that...

uncluttered, unhung...

simple.

- Oh.
- Well, Frieda had the best
teacher in the world, you know.

- Rene Carrere there.
- Ohhh.

I'm very happy to meet you, Mr. Carrere.
I'm Louisa May Hopper.

You don't look anything like
the Emile Desjardins it said
you are in your cab.

The name is Larry Flint.

I just take Emile's cab out for him
once a year... the day his wife has a baby.

- [Screeching]
- Frieda is finished now.

It's a masterpiece!

Boy! Look at the line!

And the color and the sweep
and the texture.

Marvelous!

A testament to the human spirit!

Total primitive articulation!

- Mwah!
- Does Frieda's work sell?

[Yelling]
Sell? You think Frieda cares
whether her work sells?

You think I care
whether my work sells?

Typical American yardstick...
the eternal buck!
That's why I left the place.

Well, Mr. Flint,
I was only asking. Um...

- [Gunshot]
- Aaah! What's that?

- [Gunshots]
- She's at it again.

Aaah! Well, is someone
being murdered? Aaah!

- Are we going to the police?
- [Gunshot]

[Gunshots Continue]

Hey, Larry.
She shot three already!

[Gunshots Continue]

Hey, Polly,
you're working again.

Yeah. For weeks
I thought I couldn't paint again...

and now, suddenly, it's all come back!

- [Laughs]
- One of the greats.

Ugh! That picture makes me sick!

Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.

Good. Feel sick.
It should make you feel sick.

It's destruction, pure and simple.

That's what today is all about.
That technique is her way of expressing it.

- Ugh! Aaah!
- [Laughing]

[Louisa Narrating]
What was I doing in Paris
4,500 miles away from home?

It was fate.
I had come to meet Larry Flint...

an unspoiled, dedicated artist...

searching in his own troubled way
for the simple life.

Suddenly,
I knew I wanted to share that life.

Well, I never did go back to the Ritz.

I'll never forget the wedding.

Frieda made a lovely bridesmaid.

As a matter of fact,
she caught the bridal bouquet and ate it.

For a while,
Larry and I led an idyllic life.

As I look back on it,
it all seems like one of those
wickedly romantic French movies.

[Singing In French]

[Commotion]

[Commotion Continues]

To your health, Louisa!

- [Man Speaking French]
- [Commotion Stops]

[Speaking French]

[Men Grunting Hungrily]

- Louisa!
- Louisa!

[Gypsy Violin Music]

[Violin Fades Away]

Ah, la vie de Boheme!

Le sacrifice d'amour.

- This week's dinner.
- Oh, darling!

[Squeals]
Beautiful!

- How did you...
- Opus 752.

But, darling, that's one of
your most beautiful paintings.

Well, we can see it anytime
we go to the butcher shop.

Monsieur Blanchard has got it hanging
right over the tripe and the sweetbreads.

- But I've told you so many times,
in the United States in a bank...
- Won't touch it... not a nickel!

Money corrupts.
Art erupts.

Oh, that's a beautiful saying.

It's immortal.
I just made it up.

Hey, uh, say, listen, why don't you
bring some of that downstairs for me?

Will you?
I got some erupting to do.

[Metallic Clanging And Crashing]

[Air Raid Siren]

[Horn Blares]

[Clanging]

[Bell Ringing]

[Bongo]

Darling, your soup's on.

Soup.

- [Extremely Loud Hammering]
- [Screaming]

[Gasps] Darling, must you make
so much noise when you paint?

Ain't no other way, honey.

Tools of my trade, like I told you.

See, the sound, the sonic vibrations,
they go in there.

And then that gets transmitted
to that photoelectric cell...

which gives those dynamic impulses
to the brushes and the arms...

and it's a fusion of the mechanized world
and a human soul.

It's the only affirmative statement
being made in the world of art today.

I-I'm sorry. I forgot.

It's a terrible thing, being so dumb.

Well, you're really not so dumb, honey...

'cause, to tell the truth,
I don't understand it myself.

[Loud Squeaking Kiss]

[Groans Disdainfully]

I left the machine on.

- [Click]
- Larry!

Larry.

I know this probably
sounds stupid to you...

but what if we take a record...

and we put it on and we play it
through the, uh... the...

- Sonic palette.
- The sonic palette.

- Silly kid. Go ahead.
- [Giggles]

Mendelssohn's "Spring Song"...

that's my favorite.

[Classical Waltz]

[Continues]

[Continues]

[Ends]

Larry?

Larry. Oh, I like the ones
you make with your own noises.

They're the real you.

Yeah, but, uh,
I hate to waste a good canvas...

so I might try to pay a bill with it.

[Chuckles] Maybe the butcher
won't know the difference...

between a real Larry Flint
and a Mendelssohn.

Hey, Louisa. Hey!
Guess what.

- What, darling?
- I didn't leave it at the butcher's.

I was there showing it to him,
and there was this customer
there buying pig's knuckles.

So, um, he looks at the picture
and then he puts on his glasses
and he gives me his card...

and he gives me 40,000 francs!

That's almost $200.

Oh. Why, that's wonderful, darling.

[Giggles]
All from that silly little idea.

Yeah, well, I gotta go downstairs
and get to work.

I'll be listening for all those
dear funny little noises.

[Metallic Clanging And Crashing]

[Clanging And Crashing Continue]

[Beethoven's Fifth Symphony]

[Continues]

Aha! Das ist gute, Ludwig.

[Continues]

[Jazz]

[Continues]

- Merci, madame.
- [Narrating Continues] Larry
was famous and rich overnight.

In the middle of this excitement,
I was filled with apprehension...

although I tried to conceal it.

- Congratulations, Master.
- I am insufferably honored.

- [Speaking French]
- Frieda and I are very happy.

At last, painting which is music
and music which is painting.

- How do you do it?
- Oh, can anyone explain
the workings of the inner man?

Actually, the act of creation might best
be described as pure animal instinct.

If only Beethoven were alive
to just hear this painting.

Ah, yes. Pauvre Ludwig.
I think he'd be very pleased.

Your paintings make me
want to kneel, pray and cry.

Well, in that case, Baroness,
why don't you buy one...

then you can kneel and pray
and cry at home.

- [Laughter]
- Sensation, Master!

- Please.
- Please. Please let me
introduce you to all Paris.

Well, thank you very much,
but me wife and I don't
take much to the high places.

We'll just go back to our little garage
and attic. I got work to do.

- [Laughter]
- [Burps]

[Louisa Narrating]
But, of course, we didn't
go back to the old place.

We had a lovely house
on Isle St. Louis.

But Larry was never there.

If he wasn't entertaining
at the gallery...

he was at his studio
just outside of Paris.

[Classical Music Blaring]

[Narrating Continues]
I was tired of being alone...

tired of wearing these ridiculous outfits
Larry painted for me.

What kind of life was this?

I was just another canvas to him...

just another walking catalog.

Where was the simple life
Larry and I had had...

that vie de Boheme?

He was obsessed with success.

I had to get him back. I couldn't
let that happen to me a second time.

Suddenly, I had an idea.

[Classical Music Blaring]

[Continues]

What are you doing up there?
Get down! Down!

What the...

Stop that right now!
Stop that! Stop that!

Come on, now! Stop that!

Louisa, what are you doing here?

- Darling, I haven't seen you in so long.
- [Stops]

What do you mean? We had dinner together
only last week. What do you want?

Uh, I have a surprise for you.

Aha!

[Resumes]

Larry!

- Larry!
- [Continues]

Larry!

Look who's here!

- Well, how is Frieda?
- Oh, painting better than ever.

Larry. Larry, we have missed you,
Larry.

- [Continues]
- Oh, yes. I have missed you too.

Listen, Larry.
We have a picnic.

Some bread and wine and cheese,
and I thought we could all...

No, no, no. I'm sorry. I'm sorry,
but I'm working against a deadline.

This mural's for Neiman Marcus.
That's a department store in Texas.

150 thou!

I've got to get it rolled up
and on a jet by tomorrow.

[Scatting To Music]

What are you doing up there?

Aaargh! Oh, I never should have had
these damn things made in Paris!

[Continues]

What are you doing? Where are you going?
Get back in line here!

Stop that now!
[Yelling, Indistinct]

- I'm terribly sorry, Rene. I'm sorry.
- Stop that!

Get back there!
Get back there!

Larry! Larry, what is the matter with you?
What is the matter?

- Get back there!
- Larry, why can't it be
the way it used to be?

- [Continues]
- Larry, I never dreamed this could happen!

What is the matter with you, Larry?

- [Tempo Accelerates]
- What is the matter with you?

[Playing Double Speed]

- Larry!
- Rene, let's go.

[Resumes Normal Speed]

[Continues]

150 thou! Ohhh!

What the...

Aaaah!

[Continues]

[Explosion Echoes]

[Man Speaking French]

- En Anglais, s'il vous plait.
- Pardon, madame.

"I, Larry Flint, bequeath all my..."

[Louisa Narrating]
What Larry Flint had left me in cash...

plus the sale
of his remaining pictures...

brought me in the neighborhood
of $4 million in American money.

It was an amount even Picasso
wouldn't be ashamed of.

I decided to leave.

[Jet Engine Whining]

- Oh!
- [Speaking, Indistinct]

I was here an hour early
and you kept me sitting in that lounge...

and everyone said, "Well, don't worry.
You'll hear the announcement."

We phoned for them to hold up for you,
but I guess they didn't get the message,
madame.

Believe me...
Believe me, it's just...

All my luggage is on that plane!

Oh, I had my heart set
on getting out of here tonight.

[Horn Honking Wildly]

- [Car Radio: Swing]
- [Women Laughing And Chattering Loudly]

- But I can't possibly stay
in Paris for another day.
- Madame...

- You missed the last trolley back to town?
- Oh, Mr. Anderson.

- Should I have that plane brought back?
- [Yelps]

- No, no. I'll take it from here.
- Thank you, Mr. Anderson.

Excuse me, Mr. Anderson.
Overseas call, sir. San Francisco.

Okay. Excuse me.
Hello? Uh-huh.

[Louisa Narrating]
I recognized him immediately...

unbalding, glamorous
Rod Anderson, Jr...

millionaire tycoon, up from riches...

inheriting 10 million from
senior Anderson's maple syrup empire.

Unmarried, he seemed to have no trouble
in getting what he wanted...

- in business or in pleasure.
- Uh-huh. Yeah. Buy it. Thank you.

Well, Mrs. Flint,
where would you like to go?

I was sorry to read of your loss. I saw you
at one of your late husband's openings.

I didn't buy anything, though.
I don't like his paintings.

Well, I don't like your airplanes.
Where are you going?

New York, Miami, Irkutsk...
anyplace you'd like to go.

I just flew in from New York
this evening for some party.

I stayed about a half an hour,
and I'd had it. I don't like parties.

So, you just put on your
Superman suit and fly away home.

That's right. And there it is...
or don't you accept hitches
from strange men?

Oh, I know who you are, Mr. Anderson.

I just don't know
if I'll be very good company.

I just got... [Yelps]
I don't have much small talk.

- I haven't any time for small talk either.
- Excuse me, Mr. Anderson.

- Overseas call. Hong Kong calling.
- Excuse me. Uh-huh.

Yeah. Uh-huh.
All right. Sell it. Thank you.

- Well, where shall it be?
- New York.

- New York it is.
- [Tires Squealing]

[Louisa Narrating]
What was I getting into?
What was on that plane?

I looked at the name of it.
"Melissa."

Naturally it would be
named after a woman.

I'd heard enough
about those dissolute playboys.

- [Pops]
- [Women Laughing And Chattering Loudly]

- What are you doing after the orgy?
- [Women Laugh]

The, uh, plane is ready.

- Pretty name, "Melissa."
- Someone I knew a long time ago.

- Good evening, Mr. Anderson.
- Good evening, Mark.

Mark, this is Mrs. Flint.
She'll be flying back with us.
What sort of weather have we?

- It's clear, sir, all the way
through to New York.
- Excellent.

- Good evening, Willard.
- Good evening, Mr. Anderson.

- Willard, this is Mrs. Flint.
- How do you do?

- Mrs. Flint will be flying back with us.
- Yes, sir.

Her bags left on the 11:19.

You have them picked up
at Idlewild and delivered to...

- Uh, the Montclair Hotel?
- Is that your favorite?

- Well, I've never, uh, been in New York.
Only for a few hours en route.
- Mm-hmm.

- You better make that my suite
at the St. Regis, Willard.
- Very good, sir.

It's reserved for visiting executives.

I camp about 10 blocks
further up the street on Fifth Avenue.

- And Willard, have the chef come 'round
and take Mrs. Flint's order, will you?
- Yes, sir.

You have anything you like.
We have some rather fine wines aboard.

- I'll, uh, just have my usual.
- Yes, sir.

- Whatever you have is all right with me.
- Oh, really?

My usual is two soft-boiled eggs,
gluten toast and a glass of yogurt.

And Willard, Mrs. Flint will have
the, uh, creme Senegalese, steak Diane...

pomme souffle, profiteroles
with, uh, chocolate sauce, and
break out a bottle of La Tache.

- Very good, sir.
- And that'll be all, Willard. Thank you.

- [Door Closes]
- Now, let's step into the bar.

- I'll make you one of
my very special martinis.
- Oh, thank you, no.

I'll have a, uh... a scotch on the "rotch."

- Uh, on the rocks.
- Oh. Very well.

I was raised on maple syrup,
you know.

Cured me of drinking anything at all.

- Oh. Well, then I won't have...
- No, no, no. You go right ahead.
Drink up. It's good for you.

Telephone.
Watkins in Chicago.

Excuse me.

[Door Closes]

[Sighs]

You know,
you really are rather beautiful...

but, uh, is that your hair?

Yeah. Hello.

Okay. You just sit tight. No, no.
I think Prescott's bluffing anyway.

[Louisa Narrating]
True, there was no orgy on board.

- He wasn't
the Diamond Jim Brady of the jet set.
- [Indistinct]

But he was arrogant, cold,
sure of himself, ordering people around...

another object lesson in what money
and power can do to a human being.

But for all of it, he really seemed
to be a miserable and lonely man.

Why he never even smiled. Not once
had a smile lit that stoney, sunless face.

- [Jet Engine Starting]
- Well, a tycoon's work
is never finished, is it?

- That's what you call yourself,
isn't it? A tycoon?
- Absolutely. Absolutely.

Every morning I get up
and look at myself in the mirror,
and I say, "Good morning, tycoon."

I, uh... I know you don't approve of me,
Mrs. Flint...

but that need be of no concern
to either one of us.

I'm going into my office now.
I've got some work to do.

I promise not to interrupt by
calling out points of passing interest
or the weather conditions over Baffin Bay.

I'll see you in New York,
and don't forget to fasten your seat belt.

[Door Opens And Closes]

[Louisa Narrating]
What was wrong with my hat anyway?

- Okay, Mark. I'll take her.
- [Chuckles] Okay, sir.

[Louisa Narrating]
I wondered who Melissa was.

Some forgotten Hollywood starlet,
no doubt.

[Jet Engine Running Louder]

I was scared.
I hated being alone during the takeoff.

[Engine Whining And Roaring]

[Engine Roaring Continues]

[Roaring Stops]

It was so beautiful looking down...

the lights, the sky, the stars.

How I wished I had
someone to share it with...

not this unsmiling,
airborne cigar-store Indian.

Then, the fatal thing happened.

I'm glad you decided to join me.

Nice to have someone
to share it with, isn't it?

Beautiful.

Excuse me, sir.
Telephone. Zurich.

Willard, tell the gentleman
I just stepped out.

[Louisa Narrating]
I never did get to the St. Regis.

We were married in New York
in his fabulous penthouse.

[Telephone Ringing]

- [Ringing Stops]
- Thank you, Timothy.

Hello.

Yes.
Mm-hmm.

- [Chuckles] Okay.
- [Kissing]

- [Louisa Narrating]
I felt so safe at last.
- [Indistinct]

Rod had all the wealth and success
he wanted long before he met me.

I felt I couldn't possibly jinx his life.

- Uh-huh.
- [Narrating Continues]
As for the mysterious Melissa...

I decided never
to question him about it.

I dismissed it from my life.

[Rod]
A little trinket from Harry Winston's.

[Narrating Continues]
As I look back on it now,
our life together was like...

one of those glamorous
Hollywood movies all about love
and what'll she wear next.

[Orchestra:
20th Century Fox Fanfare]

[Orchestra: Romantic Overture]

Remind me to tell you later
that I love you.

I'll remind you
if you'll remind me.

[Continues]

- Louisa!
- Hello, Doris.

- Now, Louisa, you look divine.
- Oh, Chester, thank you.

[Piano]

- You remember Peter, don't you, darling?
- Oh, but of course.

We met at El Morocco the other evening.
[Laughs]

- You play beautifully.
So nice of you to come.
- Thank you.

- That's a beautiful dress.
- Oh, I'm glad you like it.

It's my favorite...
my very own favorite.

I wanna talk to you.

- What is it, dear?
- You remind me to tell you later...

that I love you.

- [Man] Rod!
- Nicky!

Louisa!

Louisa, darling, here is someone
you simply must meet.

- Darling, now you know Nicky Cathcart...
- Wonderful to meet you.

- Mrs. Cathcart.
- How do you do?

- Louisa.
- I do hope the two of you
can come down to us for a shoot.

Mmm! Love to.
We always get a bang out of a shoot.

Remind me...
to tell you...

that...

I...

Love...

you.

I'll remind you just as soon
as I change my nightgown.

Lord Kensington,
Lady Kensington...

may I present my wife, Louisa?

- How do you do?
- So nice.

- Delighted.
- How do you do?

We're so happy
you could fly in for the evening.

- I hope the two of you can come
down to the abbey this weekend.
- Oh, we'd love to.

Oh, but darling,
I haven't a thing to wear.

[Man Gulps]

- I'm reminding you to remind me
to tell you that I love you.
- Thank you for reminding me.

- [Gulps]
- I'm reminding you...

that you said to
remind me to tell me
that you love me.

Thank you for reminding me.

- [Gulps]
- Thank you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

[Climactic Fanfare]

- Why didn't he tell me before?
- Hello, darling. I'm sorry I'm late.

Well you tell him that he's through.
This is total disaster.

- How could it possibly happen to me?
- [Hangs Up Phone]

- What happened?
- [Sighs] Louisa...

ever since we got married,
I've been neglecting my business.

I've been so much in love with you
that I've paid no attention to it at all.
I've let it slide.

- Well, I've just been reading
these business reports.
- Are you faced with ruin?

I am three times as rich
as I was the day we got married.

Oh, no!

Nobody triples the business
of Anderson Enterprises but Rod Anderson.

Someone has been giving orders...

somewhere,
somebody in my organization.

Why, that's absolute treachery.

Someone's been giving orders
behind my back! Imagine that?

If I wanna lose a fortune,
I'll lose a fortune.

If I wanna triple it, I'll triple it...
no one else.

[Sighs] I'm gonna get to every one
of my offices all over the world...

and I'm gonna find out
who's been running things behind my back.

Triple it? How could he possibly triple it?
Who can the guy be?

You spend years training employees,
executives, to serve you faithfully...

and they stab you behind the back?

That's loyalty for you.
Willard?

Willard, you make arrangements
for trips to, uh, Sidney, Johannesburg...

Hong Kong and Bombay.

I'm looking for somebody,
and I'm not coming back until I find them.

[Louisa Narrating]
I knew there was no man to look for.

It was only me
and my witch's curse.

Sleep was impossible. Next morning,
Rod would go out of my life forever...

and meet his doom somewhere.

I was terrified.
I tried to think of a way to save him.

"Melissa.
Happy days on his uncle's farm. "

[Gasps]
The simple life.

- [Whispers] Moo.
- Hmm?

- Moo.
- [Cow Lows]

Melissa?

Melissa.
Mmm.

[Rooster Crows]

[Louisa Narrating]
We had a simple, modest little farm...

- two dozen leghorns for me to look after...
- [Cow Lows]

And a cow named Melissa...
Melissa II... and a bull named Melrose.

- [Men Chattering, Laughing]
- Well, Ma, how do I look?

The neighbors all say I look real fine.

- [Chattering Continues]
- Wonderful, Pa. Real elegant.

Have one more nip of our local cider.

Well, it's my fourth,
and I'm not a drinkin' man,
but seein' as how it's welcomin' day...

- here's to ya.
- Hey, thank ya.

Good day, Mr. Anderson.
Good day, Mrs. Anderson.

- Have another drink.
- No, I'm drivin'.

[Men Chattering, Laughing]

- We'll see you, Rod.
- Come on. Get him up.

- Come on. Let's get him to the wagon.
- Come on. Let's go.

No more.

[Chatter Continues, Fades]

[Grunts]
I'm sure glad I listened to you.

This is our first day here,
and already...

- I realize that this is what
I always wanted to come back to.
- [Sheep Bleats]

- And you made me do it.
- [Cow Lows]

Uh-oh. Feedin' time.

I'll go feed Melissa,
and you milk the chickens, huh?

- I've been waitin' a lot of years for that.
- Can't it wait till tomorrow?

That shows how much you know
about farmin'. You don't milk her now,
and she'll be...

[Imitates Cow Lowing]
Mooin' all night long.

Let's go.

- [Chickens Clucking]
- [Rooster Crows]

Hello, Melissa, baby.

- [Empty Pail Clangs]
- [Grunting] Oh, sw...

[Grunts, Sighs]

How're you doing, honey?

Just great, honey.

'Atsa girl, Melissa, baby.
[Kisses] Mmm.

[Growls, Snorts]

Whoa, baby. Whoa, Melissa.
That's a girl.

[Bellowing]

Melrose!

- Forgive me!
- [Impact]

- [Crying]
- [Bellowing]

"And all the rest of my holdings,
cash and securities..."

[Louisa Narrating]
Several months after the funeral...

I had to listen
to the grim business details.

Rod had sold out everything so quickly
that his fortune was pitifully reduced.

It came to a mere $ 150 million.

I felt alone and lost,
and I was determined to live
alone for the rest of my life.

- It was the only fair thing to do.
- [Swing]

[Coin Hits Counter]

[Ends]

[Sniffles] Isn't there any way
of getting a cup of coffee here?

Isn't there any way
of gettin' a cup of coffee here

What's your name, Miss?

Uh, Louisa May Hop...

Hop...

[Voice Breaking]
Hop... Fli... Anderson.

Isn't there any way
of gettin' a cup of coffee here

Asked Louisa May
Hop-Hop-Hop-Fli-Anderson

Pretty eyes, pretty hair
And she asked so clear

Isn't there any way
of gettin' a cup of coffee here

[Other Customers Chuckle]

Uh, Louisa May
Hop-Hop-Hop-Fli-Anderson, huh?

That's a funny name.

It's just Anderson.

Uh, please stay, Miss Anderson.

I'll get you a cup of coffee.

Clancy must... must be out back somewhere.
I'm in here all the time.

Say, uh...

I, uh... I hope you didn't think
I was being fresh.

That's just part of my act, you know.

I get a list of the customers' names
each night before the show...

and then I make up little rhymes
using all their names.

It's one my specialties,
that ad-lib stuff.

Coffee?

Sugar?

Danish?
Serve the Danish.

And for a big finale, a napkin.

There's our Pinky.
Always at it.

Pinky, ain't you ever off the floor?

[Rhythmically]
Why, it's Herman Bodkin, I do declare...

and Ernie Wilkens
who's with him there.

I said with a grin,
"Ernie, your hair is gettin' thin,"

and Ernie answered,
"Who wants fat hair?"

- [Sniffles]
- Ah, it's true.
I, uh, never seem to stop being on.

Oh, I liked it.

You performing around here?

Am I performing around here?

Look.

That's me... Pinky Benson.

- Can I get you anything else?
- Mm-mm.

- It's on me.
- No, thank you.

- What's doin'?
- I got it, Clance.

- [Drops Coins In Drawer]
- Thank you.

Say, uh, if you're not busy later,
would you like to watch my act?

[Louisa Narrating]
I hadn't decided what to do later.

I even thought of staying in this town
for a few days till I made up my mind.

Well?

[Sniffles]

Well, uh...

- Well, sure. I'll come.
- Good.

Um, I gotta kinda rush
over there right now.

It takes me two hours for my props
and to put on my costume and makeup.

Oh. Really?
How's it going?

Well, the management must love me.
I've been playing there for 14 years.

[Chuckles]

See you later.

[Door Closes]

- [Band: Swing]
- Who ordered the well-done,
green peas, succotash?

- Here. Over here.
- Medium-well.

- Side of spinach.
- Hey. I ordered the creamed spinach.

Ah, that's better for you. No cholesterol.
Mashed potatoes, well-done.

- One rare, hashed brown!
- I ordered French fries. Take it back!

- Ah, you always make such a fuss.
- Ah, shut up!

I agree. But stuff yourself, honey.
No man wants a fistful of bones.

- Okay! Okay! Here he is...
for your dinner pleasure...
- [Crowd Chattering]

Jersey City's own uh-Pinky uh-Benson!

- [Cap Pistols Popping]
- [Band: Jazzy Intro]

- Well, good evening, friends and neighbors.
- [Chattering Continues]

- Hey, who do we have here
with us tonight? The Shimkins.
- [Band Starts Vamp]

Rosie Shimkin
was able to get a ringside table.
She's wearing a rose in her hat.

- And with her is her husband,
Matt. And that is that.
- [Slide Whistle]

Dennis Horner is sittin'over there
in the corner. Hiya, Dennis!

And Peggy Norton...
Peggy Norton and her sister Min.

- Chewin' on those bones like Rin Tin Tin.
- [Noisemaker Tweets]

So, welcome, all!
Welcome, one.

Lend an ear and have some fun.

- [Soft-shoe Tempo]
- I think that you and I
should get acquainted

- I'll just come up to you
and ask your name
- [Woman] What I say is live...

- I'll tell you mine, and I'll say,
Isn't the weather fine
- and leave me alone.

And aren't you really glad
so glad that you came

Then after you and I
become acquainted

I'll ask you
if you'd like to stay a while

You'll say you would
You'll give me a smile

Oh, goody-good
You'll make my evenin' worthwhile

Before our little rendezvous ends

We won't just be acquainted

We'll be
the very very best of friends

[Trumpet Solo]

- [Band Continues]
- [Sliding On Salt]

- [Laughing Loudly]
- [Louisa Narrating] I could see
why the management loved him.

He didn't interfere one bit
with the sale of food and liquor.

- [Ends]
- [Chatter Continues, No Applause]

[Dance]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Narrating Continues]
It was the worst act I'd ever seen.

Just looking at Pinky
made me want to cry.

But he was so happy and untroubled.

And I feel at home here,
as you can see.

And in all the 14 years,
you've never wanted to play anywhere else?

- Oh, you mean, uh, the big time?
- Mm-hmm.

Boy, why does everybody seem to think
you have to wanna play the big time?

Why?
You get to the top of the ladder...

you're a slave to your fans,
you got no life of your own.

Then you gotta start worryin' about
staying up there. Oh, no. Not for me.

I'm happy doing what I'm doing.

And you know what?
I teach dancing to kids in the daytime.

- That's nice.
- Yeah. My, uh... My wife
wanted me to get ahead.

She wanted me to get an agent, press agent,
publicity, audition, push, push, push.

- Your wife?
- Yeah. I was married once.
We were... We were a team.

She always wanted to be way up there,
so I let her go.

- [In Deep Voice] And today
that woman is Greta Garbo.
- [Laughs]

Nah. She married a guy with a lotta dough
and she left the business.

I don't blame her.

I don't blame her at all.

I was just a guy who wanted
the simple kinda life.

And that's the story of my life

As told to Louisa May Hop-Hop-Hop

Hop-Fli-Anderson
Boom Boom, Be-Doom Be-Doom

[Laughing]

- [Gasps]
- [Laughs] Oh.

[Continues Laughing]

[Stops Laughing]

[Louisa Narrating]
Louisa May Hop-Fli-Anderson Benson.

Yes. We were married...
happily married.

And we lived on our lovely houseboat
on the Hudson.

I told him I had a great deal
of money somewhere...

but both of us
forgot all about it.

Ho! Good mornin', Mrs. Benson
Good mornin' to you

Good mornin', Mrs. Benson
How do you do

I'll give you just one kiss
Then I'll stop

'Cause I gotta give our little boat
a mop, mop, mop

[Scatting]

[Narrating Continues]
As I look back on it now...

our life together
was like a gay musical number...

from one of those big,
Hollywood movie musicals.

[In Operatic Soprano]
On our little houseboat

Built for two

Tiny little houseboat

Just for me

[In Operatic Tenor]
And you

[Vocalizing, High Notes]

All alone together

Only me

And yo-o-ou

[Both]
My Darling

- [Up-tempo]
- On our houseboat on the Hudson
Alone, alone together

Life is rosy on the Hudson
in any brand of weather

Far from city streets
and far from hills of heather

Lovin', singin', dancin'
all of the time

- [Stops]
- Well, heigh-ho, let's go

Life is just a vaudeville show

- Sing and dance
- Take a chance

[Up-tempo Resumes]

[Stops]

[Romantic]

[Both Operatic]
All alone together

Only me

- And you
- [Chorus: Up-tempo]
On our houseboat on the Hudson, alone

Alone together, life is rosy
on the Hudson in any brand of weather

Far from city streets
and far from hills of heather

Lovin', singin',
dancin' all of the time

- Lovin', singin', dancin'
all of the time
- [Up-tempo Stops]

[Slow Bluesy Dance]

[Chorus Girls: Up-tempo]
On our houseboat on the Hudson, alone

Alone together, life is rosy
on the Hudson in any brand of weather

[Louisa]
Far from city streets
and far from hills of heather

[Raucously]
Lovin', singin', dancin' all of the

- [Girls] Time
- [Marching Beat]

[Chorus Boys]
Oh, anchors aweigh
and hit the deck, Louisa

It's ship ahoy
We're on the town with you

You follow the fleet
and tars and spars, Louisa

For us you are the captain
and the crew

- [Up-tempo]
- Oh, how we love Louisa

Oh, how we love Louisa

[Girls Join]
She's sent from heaven up above

Just like the tower of Pisa

There's only one Louisa

[All]
L-O

V-E

Love

[Ends]

[Sighs]
Love.

- [Swing]
- [Louisa Narrating]
Then it began to happen.

We were planning a birthday party
for Pinky after the last show.

Well, I guess we got everything:
The hot dogs, the rolls, and...

- Hey! Look at the clock.
I gotta get made up.
- Oh, you've got time.

No. I don't.
I have less than two hours.

It takes you two hours
to get out of that makeup.
You'll be late for your party.

- Couldn't you just skip it?
- Skip the performance?

No. Skip the makeup, I mean.
Do it just as you are.

Oh, don't be silly, darling.
The makeup's the whole act.

- Here's the bucket of lemonade, Pinky.
- Thank you.

Thank you.
Mr. Trentino, because of the party...

would it be all right if... if Pinky went on
tonight without putting on all his stuff?

Sure! You don't wanna miss
your own birthday party.

- Okay, honey?
- Oh, uh...

I'll feel... I'll feel naked. L...

Well, leave out the verses too.

Leave out the verses?

Just this once.

Well, all right,
on account of the party, but...

I feel funny. L...

I'm gonna lay an awful egg.

- And now for your enjoyment...
- Who ordered the well-done...

- New Jersey's own ha-ha boy...
- green peas, succotash?

- Uh-Pinky uh-Benson!
- Let's get outta here.

- Waiter, check!
- [Band: Jazzy Intro]

- [Crowd Chattering]
- Well, I...

- [Chattering Continues]
- [Man] Frankie dropped him
in the second...

- because I said, "Hey..."
- It was the fifth.

- I was there.
- Mr. Trentino, may we have some relish?

[Trentino]
Sure. Help yourself.

- [Waiter] One rare, hashed brown.
- [Man] I ordered French fries!

- [Band: Slower]
- [Coughs]

- I think that you and I
should get acquainted
- Who ordered the well-done?

I'll just come up to you
and ask your name

I'll tell you mine,
I'll say isn't the weather fine

- And aren't you really glad
so glad that you came
- [Chattering Fading]

- Then after you and I
become acquainted
- [Chattering Ends]

I'll ask you if you'd like to stay

- A while
- Hey, doc.

- Who do you got... Sh!
- You'll say you would

You'll give me a smile

Aw, goody-good
You'll make my evenin' worthwhile

And before our little rendezvous ends

We won't be just acquainted

We'll be the very very best of friends

[Band Continues]

[Sliding On Salt]

- [Ends]
- [Crowd Applauding, Whistling]

[Applauding Continues]

[Applauding Continues]

[Crowd Member]
Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo!

I think that you and I
should get acquainted

I've grown accustomed to this place.

What! Caesar!

- Cut. Print.
- [Man] Magnificent, Pinky.

- [Woman] Wonderful, Pinky.
- Magnificent.
I'll never direct a better actor.

- And to think they wanted to
put that Welshman in the part.
- [Both Laugh]

[Louisa Narrating]
Well, I was still near water...

sitting by our beautiful
Hollywood pool alone.

I had done it again,
and I had lost Pinky...

lost him to fame, fortune, his agents,
publicity men, secretaries...

and his adoring fans.

How about my preview
in Westwood last night, huh? [Laughs]

- What a gas.
- Sure was, Pinky.

All those Pinky Benson fans
screaming, yelling, crying...

Ah-ha. The little people.
I love 'em. I love 'em.

And if the studio
tries to cut one minute of that film...

I'm gonna burn that nuthouse
to the ground.

Five and a half hours is not too long
for a Pinky Benson fan.

- [Snaps Fingers]
- Yes, Mr. Benson.

Now, about the premiere.
Everybody on the ball. See?

Hi, Louisa.

Hi, Pinky.
Going in for a dip?

No. I'm goin' to Brown Derby.

I got a business luncheon
with these creeps. [Laughs]

- [Kisses] Ciao, baby.
- Ain't you gonna change?

- What for?
- You know you can't get
in the Derby without a tie on.

- [Chuckling] Geez.
- [Snaps Fingers]

And Pinky, after lunch you gotta
tape a speech to send to Jersey City.

- Yeah, you told me. What's it for?
- Pinky Benson Day.

Big ceremony in your honor.

Citizens are getting together
to paint the front of the house
you were born in in pink.

Yeah?

Gee. That's kinda sweet.

- I wonder who thought o' that?
- I did.

Yeah? Well, here's an idea from me.
What's the matter with this place?

The fans in the busses
go by here every afternoon.

Let's let 'em know without a doubt
which house is Pinky's house!

[Snapping Fingers]

[Crowd Cheering,
Applauding And Screaming]

- [Crowd Continues]
- [Announcer On P.A.]
Yes. Yes, it is! Pinky Benson.

He's arriving in his famous,
all-pink Rolls-Royce.

Oh, I've never seen anything like this.

I've covered the biggest
of all premieres: Ben-Hur, Cleopatra.

But this, Flaming Lips...
this is the biggest of them all.

All the greats in show business
are here tonight...

the great
and the near-great...

- and all the little people...
- [Crowd Gasps, Cheers]

Awaiting the premiere
of Flaming Lips.

Mrs. Pinky Benson seems to be wearing
a pink...all-pink chinchilla coat.

Now he's introducing
Mrs. Pinky Benson to the crowd.

Oh, this is fabulous.

The crowd is roaring so much. I hope
you can hear me, ladies and gentlemen.

I have never seen
a premiere like this.

And now they're going
into the theater, as Pinky Benson...

Tonight, in Flaming Lips,
Pinky Benson proved...

that a comedy
can run five and a half hours.

Earlier today, Pinky told us his next film
will run seven and a half hours.

- Listen to that applause!
- Oh, Pinky, baby, you were right.

- This is a gas!
- This is the greatest thing
you've ever done.

I don't ever want to direct
another actor for the rest of my life.

Thank you, pal. Let's get rid of that creep.
I'll direct the next one myself.

This picture is a cinch to do 50 million
at the box office.

- Yeah. Too bad I only get half of that.
- Yeah.

And the studio wants you to co-star
with Frank, Marlon and Cary...

- in a remake of The Four Horsemen.
- Well!

- Why should I carry those deadweights?
I'll play all four.
- [Crowd Chants] We want Pinky!

- And he can do it too.
- Let's get out of here. The mob is coming.

- Break it up. Break it up.
Everybody outta the way.
- We want Pinky! We want Pinky!

- [Chanting Continues]
- Mr. Benson, you was divine!

- Just divine!
- And now, coming to our cameras,
the co-star of Flaming Lips...

Miss Linda Putty...
another Pinky Benson discovery.

Making new discoveries
is the basis of our industry.

And now,
coming to our microphone...

- here she is, Mrs. Pinky Benson.
- [Others Oohing, Applauding]

My wife has always been my inspiration.

Pinky, we'll never get out
the front way.

- Why don't you just slip out
the side way, darling?
- Yes. I guess so. But I...

I hate to do this to them.

After all, I'm what they came to see.

- Yeah. We know. Come on. This way.
- Let's go, Pinky. That's all.

[Louder]
We want Pinky! We want Pinky!

- [Chanting Continues]
- The little people.
I love 'em. Love 'em.

Ah, bless 'em.
I can't let 'em down.

After all, I'm the stuff
their dreams are made of.

I belong to them.

Hey, fellas. Fellas!

Look who's here.
It's me. It's your Pinky!

Look! It's Pinky!

- [All Screaming, Squealing]
- [Women] Pinky! Pinky!

[Crowd Screaming,
Squealing Continues]

[Elephants Roaring, Trumpeting]

[Roaring And Trumpeting
Continues]

[Footsteps Thundering]

[Footsteps Continue]

- [Footsteps Fade]
- [Roaring And Trumpeting Fades]

[No Audible Crying]

Ah, yes, Miss Benson.
I know. I know.

But it's "Willsville Time in Dixie,"
and we've gotta face the facts...

deathwise, that is.
[Chuckles]

So I'm gonna give it to you short and sweet.
You get all the moo. All of it.

But there's one catch.

"And so I order to be built
the Pinky Benson Memorial Museum,
dedicated to my fans...

"and within it will be preserved
all my dancing shoes dipped in bronze...

"and a giant gold replica of my larynx.

"A permanent, pink light
will burn before my statue...

"and in the 15,000-seat auditorium,
my pictures will run 24 hours a day.

Everything else I bequeath to my wife,
Louisa May Benson."

Pinky was right.
[Sighs]

He did belong to his fans...

forever.

He was such a sweet man
when I met him.

- And then came...
- Well, that's all.

Why? Isn't that enough?

Oh, I was left
with another $30 million...

and I flew right here to Washington
and that brings us up to date.
[Sniffles, Sobs]

And I'm gonna give that money away.
The government's not gonna stop me either,
and neither are you.

Please answer my question,
Dr. Steffanson.

[Voice Breaking]
Am I a witch, or am I not?

Well, you haven't said anything
for the last two husbands.

- Well, you're not even listening to me.
- Uh, who? Uh, what?

- Well, you're an analyst!
- Huh?

- Analyze!
- Oh, that. Yes.

Uh, now, let me see.
Um, you... you got married...

to four men for love,
mm-hmm?

All of them were doomed
to success and extinction.

There was Hopper, Flint,
Anderson and... and Benson.

And one man... one man you hated.
That was Leonard Crawley.

Well, that's a very strong emotion, hate.

Say, you... I think, for...
[Sighs]

Wait a minute. What do you expect of me?
Instant analysis?

Why-Why your case might take
24 hours a day for the next 50 years.

- In other words, Louisa...
- [Yelps]

Would you marry me?

- Dr. Steffanson...
- If it's simplicity you want,
you should see my apartment.

I'm a dedicated man of science,
and I'm so tired washing out
my own socks.

What do you say, Louisa?

- Victor, I'm honored that
you'd risk your life for me.
- Thank you.

But it isn't fair.
I simply don't love you.

No?

But would you mail my check in
for me anyway?

Oh, please don't feel so bad.

Maybe you helped me after all.

I said "yes" to four men and I said
"no" to you. Isn't that progress?

Of a sorts, I guess.

You see, after listening
to my accumulated life story...

you naturally assumed
that I'd say "yes."

But you were wrong.

- Wrong?
- [Quietly] Yes.

I was wrong.

L... I have the strangest...
tingling sensation in my...

- [Yells]
- [Screams]

Dr. Stef... Victor, are you all right?

Wake up, Doctor! Oh, dear.

How do I get... I've got to... Oh!

- Oh, please help me.
- Oh, excuse me. I, uh...

Would you please press that button
and let this thing down?

Dr. Steffanson.
[Sobs]

[Groans]

Ma'am, I...
What? Louisa?

- Leonard Crawley!
- Mm.

What happened to the doctor?

Uh, he fell off.

Well, he always does.

[Strains]
Dr. Steffanson.

Doctor? Doctor.

- [Panting] Leonard.
- Hmm?

- You're the custodian here.
- What?

Now, look, Louisa,
let's call a spade a spade.

- I'm the janitor here.
- Oh, how awful!

Oh, no, no, no. I deserved it.
You know... "poetic justice" it's called.

- But in a way, I ruined your life too.
- Oh, no. You made it.

In fact, you know, when I lost everything,
I just began to live.

And... And I'll always
be grateful to you...

and your friend.

- Thoreau!
- Mm-hmm. He said, "Simplify."

And you can't get much more simpler
than bein' a janitor.

- Leonard.
- Mm-hmm?

You're the only man in the world
I ever really hated.

Hate's a very strong emotion,
you know?

But I think the thing
I hated most was that I knew...

that deep down,
under that small-town emperor...

there was a human being
that I wanted to know...

and you wouldn't let come out.

[Groans]

[Engine Idling]

Leonard, lunch!

- Hey, Mom.
- All right, honey.
Now, you spread these around.

Jonathan, lunch!

Hey. Look, Mom.
Look what I caught.

- Sharks!
- Well. Wonderful.
We'll have these for dinner.

Now, help your brother.

- Geraldine, lunch, honey!
- [Plates Rattling]

- Now, don't you drop this.
- What do you think I am, a baby?

- [Baby Crying]
- All right. All right. Help is on the way.

[Crying Continues]

- Here's the chair, Mom.
- Okay.

- All right, children.
You can start your milk now.
- Aren't we gonna wait for Daddy?

Nope. Daddy's finishing the plowing
he started this morning.

[Engine Running]

[Grinding]

- [Crying]
- And the princess had
four beautiful children:

[Together With Older Children]
Leonard and Jonathan
and Geraldine and Butch.

And they all lived happily ever after.

[Rumbling]

[Rumbling Continues]

Louisa!

Louisa!

It's oil! It's oil!

Louisa! Look! It's oil.
It's oil! Look at it.

[Sobs]
It... can't be happening.
It can't be true.

[Crying]
It can't be happening!

- But it is, Louisa. It's real.
- [Sobbing]

- Hey! Look at this. It's real! It's oil!
- [Crying]

You bet it's real.
And it's ours!

- Yours?
- Yes, you idiot! It belongs to us.

- You punched a hole in our pipeline.
- [Gasps]

- It's not ours?
- No. It's ours!

[Screaming, Laughing]

[Baby Crying, Distant]

[Sighs]
My wonderful, wonderful failure.

- [Louisa Laughing]
- [Crying]

[Crying Continues]

[Giggling, Kissing]