What Really Happened to Miss Jonas (1974) - full transcript

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The Devil in Miss Jonas -
What Ever Happened to Miss Jonas?

I wrote it down somewhere.

Ah! Here it is!

Hello, Jim Bent's right hand.
Detective Agency Epsilon.

And who should I say is calling?

Hang on! I'll check
if he's in his office.

Hello Darling! Hey Jim!

He's deaf as a doorknob.
Were you dozing again?

What's up? - The Shipping
Company Boss Larosh in person.

What? - Yes. - Hello, Jim Bent.

Larosh speaking! I'm considering assigning
you with an important task.



We can hardly deal with this on the phone.

Could you drop by?
Right now?

Tell him you'll drop by.

I'm in the middle of a meeting,
I need another ten minutes, and then

Fine. I'll be expecting you.
You know where to find me?

Of course, Mr Larosh,
Jim Bent is the right man for the job.

Super! Tell him
you'll be bringing your secretary along.

Fine! That could be tough.

And as usual, you're not going to bring me
along. What the hell does he want from you?

I don't know. He just mentioned
that he's willing to pay a lot of money.

He's more of a riddle than a sphinx. - Then it
must have something to do with his wife.

He's not married.
- Then a future wife.

Who the hell knows.
Darling! We'll find out soon enough.

Bye! - Bye!



I need to know
what we're dealing with here.

Hang on! First I need to know
if you're the right man for the job.

I told you already,
Jim Bent is the right man for the job.

I'm sure you are.
Do you want to earn 50 thousand Francs?

Basically, I've got nothing against it.

But I have to consider how good
my chances are of surviving?

For the monumental burial
that I've always been dreaming of,

50 thousand won't go a long way.

There's no violence involved in this case.

Your head is not going to roll,
it just needs to function.

Then the task will be no problem for me.

Here you go!

So, what do you think? - She could leave
you speechless.

You'd be speechless
if she was standing here opposite you.

For sure. - To find this needle in the haystack.
That's your mission, Mr Bent.

Do you know her? - No. But I'm going to.
That's what I'm paying you for.

So much money for a phantom?
- That's my problem, not yours.

What if she doesn't trust anyone over 30,
or if she's not interested in you?

That's the risk I take, not you.

OK, can I keep this?
- Of course. Go ahead.

Alright. I'll hand the girl over to you soon.

That's exactly what I expect
you to do. So we've got a deal?

So, before I forget what you came for.
A cheque you can cash.

For 10 thousand. ls that alright?
- And how can I reach you?

You can reach me anytime. I'll write down
a private number for you here.

Don't hesitate to call me,
even at night.

We close at 5.
These days, that's as long as staff will work.

Anyway, as the case may be.

Thanks a lot! - You're welcome!

Put your foot down, and hot, hot. Red hot.

OK Lorelei! Legs!

Thanks. That's great!

Legs! And some profile. Give me some face!

Squat! Lower, lower, lower!

You can come in.

Raise your head! Higher, higher again!

Amazing, you're a bombshell. You're the salt
of the earth. What would I do without you?

If you don't stop shooting soon, the salt
of the earth is going to tell to go fu...

Come on, Anita. - I can't do anymore.

Yes, you can! Who else could do it?

Will you stop coughing!
Can't you see we're working?

Sit down somewhere!
Arms behind your head!

Cheese. OK! And keep it going!

Like Europa on her bull. - OK!
- Alright, I got it. Keep going!

Change sides! Yes, like that!

This crappy camera. Hang on!

Then lets wrap it up for now.
- Finally!

You're still here. What d'you want? - First of all,
good afternoon! I want to ask you a question.

Did you take this picture?
- Yes, I did. My name is on it.

Do you know who the girl is?
- Why do you think I'd know that?

You must know who she is. - With the amount
of chicks I shoot here every day,

how am I supposed to remember all of them.

Yes, I understand,
but maybe you can remember her?

Well, I think her name is Christa and...

I'm sorry
that I just walked in like that.

It's OK. Pretty women are
always welcome. - You can call me Christa.

You can call yourself whatever you want,
I never remember names anyway.

You can call me Hello if you want.
- What do you want?

A friend of mine told me you were looking for
models for panties and garter belts. - Right.

A female friend? - Yes. - You'll have to
undress. - Sure! One thing at a time!

Of course I'll get undressed,
when the time is right.

If you think I've got what's necessary?
- We'll see about that!

Do you know what? Let's just start!

I can see
you know what it's all about. - Of course I do!

Lots of girls want to be a model.

I know. - But when they have to get
undressed. - They get cold feet.

Exactly!
I'll take some test shots. - Go ahead!

I need to get closer.
- Do whatever you have to do!

You're a class act. - Really?

You're unbelievably photogenic. - Really?

You belong in the movies.
- Really?

Those thighs! In The Middle Ages,
they'd have burnt you alive.

They wouldn't have. Why? - Because you've got
all the attributes of a witch.

You don't say? - You've got the devil in you.
- You've got a way with words!

And now for a close-up of his residence.

Ready? - Oh, that's where he lives!
- You've got a good sense of humor.

Along with other things.
- You could steal anyone’s heart.

Is that all?
- So you're a kleptomaniac?

I knew from the start
that you were something special.

That's nice of you.
- Every inch, more than a handful...

Really? - You definitely
offer enough scenery.

What? - You know what I mean...
You've got what it takes to inspire.

You mean I'm some kind of muse?

You're actually not as inhumane
as I thought.

I'm a good boy. But because girls
have an aversion to guys like that,

I disguise it.
- I go wild for good, charming boys.

You seem to be
an exception in every way.

You're the perfect food for my lens.
- I go wild for camera lenses.

I'll tame this beast.
- Really? - Do you want to bet?

Then go ahead and try!
- I don't mix business and pleasure.

I'm very strict with my rules. - Oh! What a pity?

By the way, I could make
posters of these pictures.

Do whatever you want with them.

Those pictures
sold like hot cakes.

A now a shot for a little more insight. - Yes.

Like this? - Good!

Sexy! Don't worry Fatherland,
the world is full of sex.

Laugh! You've the teeth of a predator.

Wouldn't like to get them in the neck.
- Pleasure seeker? - It depends. Yes.

Lie back! - Like this? - You're an expert. - Yes.

There's a lot of beauty here. And here too!

Fabulous. There we go!

Turn around!

Top class! That's the Bunny for the playboy!

And this is for the brave boys.

Thanks. - And you would
count yourself among them? - I'd count you in!

Brave girl! Where can I catch up with her?

You need to be discovered. - Then do it!
- I mean, from someone with money.

From the film business?
- Yes, in that price category. Some kind of boss.

A guy with a fat wife. After he gets you
into movies, give him a blow-job then.

I'd prefer to not do that. No, no way!

Oh, so you're choosy? - You bet I am!

If you've got taste,
you'd go for me.

Good night, Marie, you're lost. - Who
says that? - It's common sense.

I'm as poor as Hiob, I chase women around
like the devil, I'm as unreliable as the weather.

Any girls that I sleep with more than 3 times
just get on my nerves.

You're just my type-

I'm a grouch in the morning. - Me too.
- A grouch in the evening. - And at night?

At night I sleep like a groundhog.
- And your sex life?

I only ever do it on this Argentinian bull hide.

And only on days with odd numbers.

So thank your lucky stars that today's the 13th.

And that I'm not superstitious.

And what else? - I think that's enough.
Or can you never get enough? - You said it!

And now for the wedding photograph.
Nice and friendly!

The bride wore nothing. - Her birthday suit!

And that's how she killed one after the other.
- With pleasure and cheer. - The sadist.

I'd like to kick some of them.
That's why you keep your shoes on, isn't it?

A woman out for revenge.
- Showing all the guys what she has.

Yes. - Until she tortures them to death.
- Slowly but surely.

Ice cold. That's the way you play your game.

Not bad? Am I? - The perfect murderer.

No one escapes.
- It doesn't matter, I'll try anyway.

A saint on a pillar has no chance at all.
The pillar is poisonous.

Then I'll escape to the podium.
- I'll tempt you down off it.

When the time is right. - Now is the right time.

Yes, for photos.
- You've done enough of that.

My camera can't get enough of you.
- Really? - You're a evening filler.

Yes I am. In every sense.
You finally got off your pedestal.

Yes, now it's time for
a cosy housewife afternoon.

With fun and games?
- Raffles and pancakes.

Come to me,
Fortuna will bring you luck.

Never again? - No, and I didn't have
her address. - That's a shame.

Now I remember.

After I realised how popular she was,
I wanted to do more work with her.

And then I noticed,
that I didn't even have her telephone number.

But I'll tell you some more.

She stayed at my place
for about a week.

But I was scared that she might
start to cling onto me.

And I said it to her. - And she
took it the wrong way?

Be quiet! Yes, she emptied all the cupboards
and flung everything against the wall.

Then she grabbed me by the throat
and was just about to squeeze it,

she whispered to me in a teasing voice,
asking me if I believed that an impotent fool

could help her build a successful career.

What else could I do? So I
whacked her one.

There was a bit of a brawl

and from the resulting fight,
I came out the winner.

Then she put a spell on my house
and she was gone in a flash.

She was some weird force of nature.
- But that doesn't help me much.

I can help you. - Really?

Can you take me home? - Yes, why?
- Then I'll tell you where Christa lives.

Oh, you know where? - I do. - Really?
- I bump into her now and again.

And now you tell me. - So it's a deal,
you'll come with me? - Of course I will.

OK! - OK! Thanks a lot! - You're welcome!
- So lets go! Off to battle.

Goodbye! - Tommy Baby! If
anyone comes by to discover me,

you have my number, don't you?

I don't mind telling you that Christa goes mad
when she hears Tommy's name. - Pale cow!

So where do you live?
- Why do you want to know that?

I thought I was supposed to bring you home.
- No, lets go to your place.

I'm sure you've got a pretty place. - And what
if you're greeted at the door by my wife?

I'll say I'm from the Salvation Army.

You're never stuck
for an excuse? - And you're not?

I never cheat. - You're probably not married,
you just have a girlfriend.

One? - You probably have a harem
and you treat them all like slaves.

You're right, and we have group sex.
- That's why you're interested in Christa.

It's the only reason.
- At last you're laying your cards on the table.

Yes, I'm a detective.

Didn't I say it?
A posh little place.

Yes it is - May I peel off?

Be my guest!

I've seen what's underneath already.

And I'm starting to doubt
if you even know where Christa lives.

Men always think
we're trying to trick them.

On the other hand, what reason
could you have for pretending?

Well, you might want to get revenge on Tom?

Maybe the girl is your enemy and
you want to harm her in any way you can.

Women come up with some wild ideas.

Detectives come up with the wildest
ideas, so I've noticed.

You've got
an outrageous imagination.

I thought you were harmless and you're worse
than Modesty Blaise and McGray combined.

But I still want to dance with you.

Then you're
going to have to press that little button.

Done! All the things I do for you!

I fear, I'm falling in love with you.
- Then I'll have to come over to you.

To find out where Christa is?

Maybe you should try brainwashing?
- You're crazy!

Christa lives with her friend, Nancy.
- A clear case of jealousy.

I stayed there for a while.

But my nerves couldn't take it
anymore. They're too crazy.

I can well imagine: decadent, seedy and
saucy. Queens of the night.

So anyway, I had to leave.
It wasn't far from here.

Salesianergasse 3.
Now I want to sleep with you.

Ouch! - I could chew you up and spit you out.

Ouch! Have you gone crazy? Watch out!
You'll wake her up!

Get a grip on yourself. - You should have
told me you live in some kind of commune.

I don't care if she wakes up.

Now you're talking!

Go easy! Cool.

You're right, I can't let someone sleeping
stop me from enjoying life.

I'm a free spirit. - You're right.

We'll have some fun!
- You're a barrel of fun.

I'm free as bird. - Wow! Those breasts!

They were missing in your collection, huh?
What's up with you? Get a move on!

An old man is not an express train.
- What did I get myself into?

You're a young stud. I thought.

It's a matter of luck. - You're getting lively
downstairs, I can see.

You don't miss a thing. - Come over here!

Come on! - You sure know how
to work on my masculine nature?

I'm nature's child. - Completely.
- You should keep that in mind.

Now the place is coming to life...

Cute, little, porky dick.

Be quiet! I'm trying to sleep!

What's her problem?
- She's just jealous. - I want you to be quiet.

Calm down! - Hang on Mademoiselle,
I'm on my way.

Stay here! Have you lost
all your marbles? - Hi, aha!

Are you a total idiot?
Leave me, leave me alone!

Get your fingers off that nymphomaniac.

Don't get her going!

Help! I don't want it.
- She was born wild.

Stop M...

Get your hands off her. Do you get me?

Idiot. - Come on! Back to my bed.
- The state of her, like a hyaena.

Drive over there! - Hang on, I'll stay here
for a while. - Are you getting my hopes up?

I might be. Do you think
she still lives there? - Of course.

Maybe they fell out.
- No way. - Why?

They're rivals.
- Fighting ended, is soon mended.

You have a charming
opinion of your friends.

They must have snatched
a few guys away from you.

No way! - Then what else could it be?
Those girls must have something.

You're so charming! - I get it, you don't like
me talking about her all the time. Lt hurts you?

Yes, it does. Could you stop it?
- I'll try.

You little monkey!
- Jim! Put the cigarette away!

Little monkey... yeah.

I understand. You're looking for Christa.
I sent her out for some fresh air.

Would you like a drink? - Yes, I would. - Do
you like your whiskey straight or with a mixer?

Straight!

You should know
that Christa is a very special girl.

All the men want to ride her.
She is, how do you say it? Crazy,

but temperamental!
It was too much for me.

Us girls from Senegal have a totally
different upbringing. Here you are, Monsieur!

Thanks. - Maybe you can tell me
what you want from Christa?

I'm a detective. I need to find out
where your friend is.

I understand. You're a cop
and you want me to squeal.

I don't know where she is. - I'm not
a cop and I don't need you to squeal.

I think Christa
just had enough of men.

I think she wanted to be a dancer.
To your health! - Cheers!

So? - She used to screw every evening.
And I made love to her too.

It takes all kinds.
It can happen to the best of us.

And you've no interest in men?
- I do.

A charming young guy like you
turns me on. - Thanks a lot.

I think you need a rest
before you go out and find Christa.

Because I'm not going to let you go.
- Oh! Quelle surprise!

When you speak French,
you sound very funny.

You're always saying "aha". - Am I really?

Shit! These boots are so annoying,
but they're pretty sexy.

They get guys all horny. - You're a mad bitch!
- Oh, what's that?

Cute, little Polly is getting undressed.

Where are you going now?
- To bed, my little chouchou!

And what am I going to do? I'll look for a cop.
- You're a good one! A one-off!

How do you know
I'm a good one. You haven't tried me.

How could I turn down
an invitation like that.

Otherwise you'll be telling all those
good-mannered girls in Senegal

that all European men are police informers with
no idea about lovemaking. - Exactement.

You're right! I'm going to get to know,
and to love all Christa's girlfriends.

I might never have her. - Maybe.
- You have to take it as it comes.

How tragic! - I'll ask for her at
various dancing schools. - Really, will you?

And the rest of her girlfriends...
- Don't say that word, please!

What do you not want me to say? -
I know you're a cop.

You've got a truncheon
down there in your sack.

Honey! ls that how girls talk
in Senegal? - Yes.

My little Bunny!

What did you say, Honey?
- Gerard. - What? - It's so long!

Hang in there! - No, now! I can't wait!

Time to lay the table.
- Give that mule some gold...

And jump, and step,
pirouette, and step, pirouette.

Yes, good, good, good!

Step to the side, to the side and back.

Chivvy, chivvy and fold.

Chivvy, chivvy and fold.

Good! That's it for today!

Oh no! I was just getting into it.

What can I do for you? - I'm looking for
a young girl you might know.

Are you a policeman? - No, I'm a
private detective. My name's Jim Bent.

I'm sorry. I've only heard of James
Bond. - Do you know Christa Lindberger?

Why are you looking for her? - It's actually
my job to ask the questions.

I need to find her. I mean, I have
a client who's paying me to do it.

I can't help you.
I've lost all contact with Christa.

She was here at your school?
And you haven't had any contact since then?

None at all. - Then excuse me.
- I'm sorry.

Don't mention it! - Goodbye
Ladies, good luck with your lessons.

He's the last person I'd tell anything to.
I'm not stupid. So, back to work!

So, I'm getting curious.
- Would you mind giving me a light too?

Here you are! - Thanks. - I hope
your attraction is of some use to me.

The last one was a flop.

Wow!

She looks pretty good from behind too.
She's a good package.

I'm very choosy as far as live sex shows
are concerned. What's her asking price?

I'd prefer to know what your asking price is?

Aha! - Bye the way, you still owe me
- ...your cut from the last show.

Alright, we can deduct it from hers. - Fine.

I think you're going to take her. - 250 a day.

No less than 300

Drop the too-too sounds, Honey!

Who the hell is Joe Loverich compared
to me? Topless fashion is not an art,

to cover up holes
you need a top-class designer.

No doubt about it,
she knows how to sell herself. - Yes.

I'm even thinking about putting
her on first. - That'll cost you 500.

Tamara is a lot better than her.
Who the hell knows Miss Lindberger?

That's true! But soon everybody will
get to know her. - As a dancer?

For heaven's sake, no!

She always seems to be in a good mood.
That's good for business. - So, it's a deal?

Depends on the price. - Don't be
a cheapskate. - It's as high as I can go.

300? Have I got your word on that? - Of course,
and I might be able to swing some expenses.

And stop giving me the impression
that you're doing me a favour.

You earn enough.
- And you do it purely out of friendship!

And you can drop the silly giggles too!
Don't you think, Miss Lindberger?

You make a big enough
impression without it.

So? - You're a real live wire.
But you shouldn't overdo it.

How wise of you! - Yes.

Very good!

Is that enough? - Yes. - Absolutely.

I'll design some
hot underwear for you. - Yes.

Audiences these days are pretty spoiled.
They can never get enough. - I'm new here.

Brand new.
And she has no inhibitions whatsoever. - No.

Why should I? I look good. I do.

You want to be a movie actress?
Or what's the story?

You're right. That's exactly my plan.

I only went to ballet
to learn how to move.

You seem to have succeeded. - Maybe.
- You can work on it at home.

It'll be good. - Message taken.
- It's not the greatest.

I hope I'm not on to a flop.
- It would be a bigger mistake not to take her.

I'll take her. - You'll see in the end.
- She has sex appeal. - She does.

Is there more on offer? Yes, here we go!
The best one of all in my collection.

Ta-ta is no better than too-too.

I can't come up with anything better today.
- That's a good reason to drop it.

Maybe I'm missing some creative inspiration.
The audience applauding...

That's a stroke of genius.

But will the audience applaud? That's the
big question. I'm not so sure.

You're giving her inhibitions.
That's not good.

She's such a pretty girl. Look how
she moves that chassy.

I can see that she's doing her best,
but the competition is tough. - Bye!

What competition? - She has competition.

Finally! - You gangster!

Rolfi.
Keep fondling me.

Happy with what I'm doing,
you gangster doll? - Yes.

Very good? - You old rascal!

No, not even a call. I'm sitting here
gathering cobwebs.

If he doesn't contact me by this evening,
I'll tell him where he can shove his job.

I'm not here to keep
some old codger clients of his

happy all the time. There's some weird ones
among them, I'm telling you

Good afternoon. - I'd like to see Mr. Bent.
- That's not possible, He's not here.

Then let him know that I need him
to contact me urgently. - Yes, I'll do that.

Goodbye. Hopefully you won't forget
to mention the old codger clients when

you're dealing with important calls, Miss?

That was my 7th girlfriend.
Where the hell am I?

The girl has got to be here
somewhere. But where the hell is she?

That's the Bumms Club!

Be quiet behind the stage, please?
People are trying to work.

Boss! A call for you, long-distance!
- I can't get away from here.

Tell him to leave a number. I'll call back.

OK, Boss. - Good evening!

Excuse me, is that Suleika?
- Everyone knows her.

Aha...

Yeah.

Super, Suleika!
- She must be the star here?

Do you think she might give me an interview?
- With the press? Ask her yourself.

Boss! A call for you! - For God's sake,
I've got an important movie guy here.

The press is here too. I told you
that I can't talk on the phone now.

I told them. But it's that company
that's threatening to quit on the deal.

Have they gone crazy? I'm on my way.

Press. - You're OK. - Suleika,
the director has got the hots for you.

He wants you with a guarantee. - The old fool!

That's it! You can go now. Contact
the production management tomorrow morning.

Excuse me, just one question, my dear!
- Sorry? - Do you know Christa Lindberger?

I don't give out information on colleagues.
- Not even to people from the press?

I just told you. - Maybe you'll
reconsider it? - No, certainly not.

If that's the way you want it.
But you know her?

I just know her stage show,
"The Funny Widow". - Tell me more!

You should ask that movie guy.

But I thought, maybe you could...
- No. - Alright, thanks.

Suleika! Can I escort you home
this evening? - No, thanks.

Next! - OK, Tamara!

Allow me to ask you a question? - Yes?
- Do you know a Miss Lindberger?

Yes, but that's not her name anymore.
- Then you're my man.

I've been looking for her like a needle in a
haystack. I'm on a mission for one of my clients.

I'm a detective. - I see.

I'm blown away
that I've almost reached my goal.

You're the first person that doesn't mind
me getting to meet Christa.

I appreciate your goodwill.
- Why not? Should I have reason not to?

The girl has a contract with you?
- Not yet, but I discovered her

and I'll make her a star. - A movie star?
- I snapped her away from this hole.

Can you be quiet behind
the stage, please? People are trying to work.

Boss! A call for you, long-distance!
- I can't get away from here.

Tell him to leave a number.
I'll call back. - OK, Boss.

Super Christa! - I'll get them hot.

The movie guy is going for it.
He's all eyes! - Like a toad.

Boss! A call for you! - For God's sake,
I've got an important movie guy here.

I told you to tell him that I can't talk
to him now. - Then the deal will fall through.

Have you gone mad? I'm coming.

I'm coming!
- Christa! The director has got the hots for you.

I'm coming!

You little nutter!

Can I bring you home
tonight? - You're crazy? No, thanks.

She is ace. A real bombshell.

She likes me.
She keeps laughing over at me.

The little rascal.
Knows how to whet an appetite.

It's such fun getting the men all horny.
- She's cunning and scheming.

She's appealing, and extremely charming.

Hello! - Come over here to me!
- In a moment! ls that enough for you?

Thanks. - Then I'll stop.
But don't go way!

Alright. - Get going, Christa, hurry up!

I'm always professional with my deals.
No flirting, otherwise you'll get blackmailed.

Would you allow me
to join you? - Yes.

May I sit down? - Of course, go ahead!

Toni, one more glass of sparkling wine, please!
- On its way! - Fine!

Mr Albert! Tell me... - Yes, what?
- ...do you like me? - You're magnificent.

Really? So you're satisfied? - Yes.
How long have you been doing this job?

I started about 3 months ago.
- Alright.

Well then I'll have to change that. - Yes.
- Provided that you work hard and come on time

and don't behave like a diva. - Sure. - You know
that it's standard to sleep with the director?

Yes. - And usually
with the producer too. - Of course.

Fine! And anything else you might need
is right before my eyes.

For sure. - I think so.
- Lets drink to your career!

And to yours!

Now we're friends.
Come on, give me a little kiss!

And now I'm going to love you. - I don't
know how Christa is going to react to you.

Yeah! - When she finds out that you're
a detective... - I won't mention it.

So how are you going to do it?
- I'll disguise myself. - How?

Fred, I'm running out of money
and it's falling apart. - Camera ready to roll!

We'll need a money press
to pay you all off. - 7, take 12.

Ten takes for a bit of hopping around!
I'll be broke soon! - Quiet!

Stop getting irritated.
Even if you are the producer.

I shouldn't be complaining?
I know. I'm an idiot.

If you don't stop complaining,
I'm going to quit as director.

You won't quit. You threaten me with that
all the time? - Lower the camera!

You've all got some kind of plaque. As soon
as the camera rolls, you let it run and run.

That's what she's here for, what else should
she do? That's what she's destined for.

Tamara! You're like a cloud.
- Hopefully not an overcast one!

Can I get a word in
here? - Stop! Stop! Stop!

Cut!
- Now you're disrupting things again.

Are you afraid the clapperboard guy
might fall asleep? - What's wrong?

You've got to pay attention!
With her pale skin against a bright wall.

Stay in front of the fireplace!
They'll sort the rest out.

I'll do my best.
- They're professionals.

Shut up!
Otherwise you'll just talk more nonsense.

Camera! - Tamara! Concentration!

Roll before he starts talking again!

Scene 7, take 13. - I'll take
some shots of the sweetheart.

Good, good! Everything OK, boys? Fine!
- He hasn't got a clue.

She's got magnificent breasts.

Red light! - Shut up, will you?

Since when do you give orders
around here? - I'm sorry!

Stay where you are!

Have you got a screw loose?
I can see that you don't belong here.

So, now you can take some shots.
Cut! That's enough!

Set up the Jonas Scene, alright?
- Thanks! And cut!

Thanks Kitten! - You
did a delightful job.

Thanks! Can I go now?
- We'll surely fit you in somewhere.

Good afternoon, Ernesto! - Christa!
Alfons! - I'm coming!

Good afternoon!
Nice to meet you! - Yes, this way please!

I'll look after you.
Follow me!

I'll show you where you can change. - Thanks!
- I'm the jack of all trades around here.

Tamara Baby, you've got my vote.
You're exactly what we're looking for.

I would be over the moon.
- And now, some close-up shots of Tamara.

We need a stronger filter.
- What this man gets up to with my money!

We're ready, clapperboard! - He's going too far.

A few still photos will be enough. - We won't
need the clapperboard, I'll do it.

Alright. Whatever! - Ready!
Put your hand on your hip!

Everything's a mess here.
- Thanks! - Oh my God!

Break!
Then a run-through with the Jonas Scene.

It's all go here. Come on in!

There's your spot
and the other one is for the other girl.

And the hat! That's a stunner!

Take a seat! - I will.

I'll leave you alone and you can
let me know when you're ready.

Yes, fine! - Thanks, Mr...
- You can call me Alfons.

Or I prefer "Alfi".

"In love, Jacqo."

It's all bullshit! - You gave me a fright.

I'm sorry! I didn't mean to.
- Are you done? - Yes.

It must have been tough for you.

It was alright. The things you'll do
for your career!

Everything I do at the moment
is born of desperation.

It might work out for me sometime.
The director wants to cast me,

but the producer is horrible. He's a scumbag.
- I get the same feeling.

I'm supposed to be getting the lead role.
- Really? - I'm scared shitless.

I've never acted before. - Well, if you get
the leading role, you've nothing to worry about.

Leading roles are a piece of cake.
- You're right. There's truth in that.

But will I get it'? Ernesto said, and
he should know, I'd be ideal for the part.

Maybe! Though I'm not
so sure he knows much about anything.

I'm starting to think he's pretty dumb.
Most directors are pretty dumb.

Well, as far as... - No, whoever he's into
at a particular moment, is ideal

for the part. And that's it. - I'm sure
the producer will have a say in the matter.

The one downstairs, for sure! - Do you think so?
- Yes, he'll put you to the test.

Wish me luck! - Good luck!

I'll tell you how it went. - Alright.
- I'll show them the devil in me.

So, the fireplace, or...
- Now we can start.

And here comes our novice.

This crappy thing just won't get going.

Then we won't be able to give
you the role. - So, here I am.

If you keep wasting so much material,
I'll be broke after the test shots.

How do you feel?
- Got a little bit of stage fright.

Don't be nervous, Christa. The camera is
a beast, but before it bites you

throw your breasts out as bait.
- You want me to be naked? - Of course.

It's all so new to me.
- It's nothing new for the camera crew.

I'm sure it isn't. - You'll see.
- I'll give it a go.

So what do I have to do? - Nothing,
just take off your dress. - Just undress?

The rest will come naturally.
- And stop talking when the camera's rolling.

What I have to listen to! Your own company!
Go ahead and set one up.

I still can't get the fire going.
- The camera still hasn't got the right filter,

the lady is still not undressed, the director
still has to give us some words of wisdom...

Blow on the fire! - The bra too?

Yes, all of it Baby!
- Everything's running like clockwork.

The only one
who's not on track, is the producer.

Here! I don't know where to put it.

In the trash. - Can I help you? - Thanks!

Stay in the light.
- Will you finally get started?

Give it to me! Can you take that, please?

And what about my panties?
Do you want me to take them off too?

You won't be needing them,
get them off!

At last, we can start rolling.
- Hang on! The fire!

And the positioning. - I can't believe this.

Then shoot, bur don't make me responsible
for it. - Wait a moment, please!

I'm not a chimney sweep...
- Shut up and get the clapperboard!

She'll be lying down here
on the rug, alright? - 98/9 Charlie! 3/2 aperture.

OK Ernesto? - Move over a little!

One ass cheek further. - Like this? - Yes.

And don't wriggle around.
- And think of Satan.

Lets see. Alright. - Legs spread?
- Yes, they're awesome.

What's wrong? - The fire or the clapperboard,
I can only do one of them.

A bit closer? - I don't know.
- It's a madhouse here.

And you're completely normal? - If it doesn't
catch fire this time, I'll have a tantrum.

Everyone get out of frame now!
You too, Rolli!

Do you think I'm the devil
and I can simply vanish into thin air.

That was all a waste of time.
I'm just gonna use the clapperboard.

Lets shoot her from above!
- From above or below?

Will you stop the nonsense here.
Just get rolling!

Be quiet on set! - Alright. I'll shut up.

Are you going to make me wear
a muzzle? - Are you ready, Rolli?

Fuck you! - Oops?
- 7, take 18. - And action!

Quiet! Christa!
And now The Devil is having his way with you.

Fabulous, isn't it? - Be quiet!

Everybody keep quiet!

I wasn't expecting that. For a novice,
she's excellent.

Let yourself go even more.
You've got it all right.

Those breasts!
I'm gonna take some shots too.

Brilliant! - I hope our viewers
get off on it as much as you do.

That's enough, thanks! - What?

It's enough for the production manager?
Wonders will never cease.

So, that's it for today.
- Alfons! You're coming with me.

Could you stand up please? I'd like
to take a few shots of you.

Hang on! Ernesto? Should I?
I don't know who this man is.

Just ask me. - The still photographer.
Detectives behave differently.

Can someone give me a light?
- How was I supposed to know?

Smoking always calms me down.

Where are all my things? - Just a moment!

Skimpy little things!
Just my size!

I really didn't think
you'd be able to do it.

It was pure luck. - If you don't get
the role, I'll eat my hat.

Or the guy just hasn't got a clue.

Stop babbling and take a look at this!

Here are the test shots from the second day.
You were a bit stiff at the beginning.

Because David was complaining
about how my hair looked.

That wasn't an issue for long.

And they'll be discussing
for days and days

how we're never going to
find a suitable partner for her.

That is going to be tough.
Who's going to play The Devil?

Make a suggestion!
- I wouldn't dare to.

You see!
- If I were the producer... I'd go for Fuchs.

I'd definitely go for Fuchs.
- Look! That's not bad at all.

I have an idea. Herbert Fuchs!
- I'm sorry, that was my idea.

Alright.

By the way, Christa... - That wasn't
good, was it? - No way, it's phenomenal.

But Lindberger is not a good name.
I'll have to come up with a new name.

Christa... -It should melt on your tongue
like a chocolate candy, something like Cherie.

You don't like it, do you? - Not really...

Yes, yes! - She doesn't like
herself up on the screen.

That's normal
when you see yourself for the first time.

It makes we want to run away.
- I'd haul you back in with a lasso.

But I have to come up with a name for you...
Frei or Frisch? Fromm? Frbhlich? Frei?

Or Free.
- That sounds a bit too American.

It's trendy.
- Yeah! Christa Free is pretty good.

It sounds odd to me. - When you're as good
as you are, a name is not that important.

After they see this scene,
people won't be worried about

whether the girl has a name or not.
Or what do you think, Albert?

The producers will want to remember
the name, that's why it should be short.

You don't seem to find them very capable.
The scene is endless.

Well! That really is some show!

He'll be amazed.
You'll get the role, you can bet on it?

If you ask me...

Alright!

Jim Bent! Mr Larosh! I've tracked
down the girl you're looking for.

It was about time.
- But it's not as easy as you think.

She's acting in a film. That means
that the chances of her being interested in you,

have sunk considerably.

Even if I manage
to get in contact with her,

I can't see any opportunity
of getting you close to her.

That's total nonsense.
- You have misconceptions.

I gave you the assignment to...
- But I can't kidnap her

and use violence to drag her to you.
- You're a

No insults, please!

We'll come to a gentleman's agreement.
I'll do what I can.

That's what I expect from you.
- But don't be so hot tempered.

I'll make sure it works out somehow.
- That's all I'm asking for.

Old snob! How can I get close to her?

Thanks for being
so nice to me.

Thanks for the Miss Jonas.
- Yes, it's a magnificent role.

I'll make a magnificent effort to get it.
- That's what I'm counting on.

It's in my own interest.

So, take care!
- I will. - Be tough!

Yes, l will.
- I'll come and visit you again. - Yes.

And we'll see each other on the set.
- Probably next Tuesday?

I don't know yet.
Anyway, you won't get rid of me.

Salut and so long!
And don't get involved with the director.

No, I'll only allow him to work on my role.

He's got some cheek, telling me
who I can sleep with, the loser!

Oh well!

The apartment that he rented for me
is the best thing about that mogul.

Ah! Here it is!

Hello, is anyone home? Good afternoon!

Don't be afraid of the Boogie Man!
Aha, off-limits!

Nice place you've got here!

And you got yourself a dog!

Sit, Bello!

Well, well, well...

Then I'll have to
let her read my cards.

Well? - You're pretty! - To tell me that,
you - To tell you that.

Before you give me any more compliments,
I'll just dry myself first.

Please, go ahead! I can wait.

Did you recognize me straight away?
- Of course, what do you think?

I must've made an impression on you. - You're
so powerful, that I had to know who you were.

You don't say! - Are you going to tell me
why I've got the honor?

I actually didn't want
to tell you that until later.

After you fell for my fraud
as a still photographer,

I could have kept it up
for a while longer.

With women, It's not a good idea
to lay all your cards on the table.

So! You've been spying on me.
You swindler. Admit it!

There's nothing to admit.
- I can smell a rat!

I'm a private detective.

I've got a client
who saw a picture of you

and he desperately wants to meet you
and he's paying me very well for it.

So, now you know.

Strange, that I'm suddenly
worth a lot to so many people.

Is he paying you enough to make it
worth your while? - It's worth it.

So, are you going to tell me
what price he put on my head?

I should.
- And why won't you tell me?

It's not important anymore
and it wouldn't be fair on my part.

I'm going to have to quit this job.
- Why? - Why?

Because I why?
Because now that I got to know you,

I'm not willing to flog you off to that
guy. - I'm working in the movie business now.

First there's that and now
you've got me. - Oh boy!

Don't be so ecstatic! - Yes!

Now I'm going to lure you
away from that millionaire.

I bet no one else could do it.

And you can practice your role with me.

And I'll put a security lock
on the door. So no one can break in.

You look like a parrot
in the moulting phase.

And now? - No volume!
- Not even close-up?

It's dreadful. I'll need
a touch of harmonious poetry

to transform it.

Turn around! - And my behind?

Horrific! Turn back quickly. And now
the fortress where we lay siege

with the most delicate of attacks.

Motorization of shaft ambivalence.
- You're making me dizzy!

And dreams turn to reality!
And there she is!

The Greek Gods would sacrifice you
on the bloody altar of Hymen,

and Salvador Dali and Picasso
would flourish from your inspiration.

Flourish? - As she bends her torso
to expose her respiratory organs.

Wheezing like an animal. - Muuhhh.

And the answer? - Meck, meck, meck!
I always get embarrassed doing a goat.

Hang on! - Now it's time for the
diaphragmatic reflex. I can't do that either.

You need some stimulation.
- But not on my bum!

No, today I'll give you shock impulses.

I'm shocked enough. - Head down!
Hands lowered, the hen grasping for grain.

Cackle! That will increase
your sensitivity to voice access!

I'm supposed to learn how to speak, not cackle!

It just makes me run out of breath.
- Perfect! Now cackle!

The joy of flapping of wings
complimented by some music.

Cackle! I'm a hen!

No. - What, something wrong?

You can't say that line
when you're outfit is all wrong.

But I'm not a hen!
- That's what you think. Stop complaining.

Turn around!

And now, take an objective
look at your belly button. Place your...

May I come in'?
- Yes. - That's going too far.

You can’t just let everyone come in here.
- Conduct yourself in a proper manner.

Good afternoon!
- These interruptions! Who are you?

Can't you see I'm working with my medium?
- Mr Albert sent me.

The director? - For a lesson
in body control techniques.

Maybe you need
to see my figure first?

Yes I do!
- Are you going to hypnotize me too?

But I don't know if it will work on me.
- You can leave that up to me.

Come back in 2 hours, alright?
- Yes, I'll do that.

OK! See you later!

Mr Albert told me, you charge
30 Marks per hour? - Per analysis.

Whatever!
- That was embarrassing for me.

If you want learn body control,
you've got to let yourself go.

Not a twitch from me!

A waste of strength. A waste of semen,
to transform the flesh of a woman

into a metaphysical form...

To generate landscapes
from the outlines of femininity

requires the greatest efforts
of a gifted artist.

Muscles guided by dance and words,

the spoils of gentle caresses
creating an certain plasticity,

the force of primordial masculinity
pouring out to advanced levels of...

Read on! - I thought I was supposed to
learn my lines? - Read it out loud!

Alright: "Fellatio was carrying on
with Rufulus Rufa Mennenius' woman.

She was often seen stealing food
from cemetery sites.

And when she grasped at some bread
that fell from the batch,

she was beaten with a stick
by the shaven-headed guard.

As Pompeius became Consul,
Meziala had two lovers.

Now that he's Consul again,
she still had the 2.

But for each one she added a thousand."

The state of things back then Rome!
- It was a cultural Golden Age!

"Tavern! You so lustful!

Do you believe
you alone have pricks?

And screw all the women alone,
as many as you want?

Yes, believe this if you wish.
The front side of the tavern,

I will inscribe,
and paint pictures of men's genitals."

Yeah, magnificent!
- That was a brand, "Lesbia".

The little ignorant bitch.
- "Amiala, who I picked up,

wants me to give her 10,000.

For a girl with a horrid, long nose.

The banker's lover.

Not healthy, that girl!
But don't ask what she's missing.

She's a chronic megalomaniac.

The prick will obey.
How can it not?

As the proverb says;
The vagina will look for the sword."

What's up with you now?

You can see for yourself. You silly ass!
- Think it's funny? Mad man!

"Body equip yourself
for further amorous battles.

And should you wish, make haste,
for I lie here naked

on my stomach
punching holes in my shirt and coat."

Why don't you continue,
Inspector?

You're in top form today.
Please give me the punishment I deserve.

Oh! At last!

You come too late
and want to squeeze by.

It's never been that good.
- Do you admit... - Yes.

...that you are a danger to men. - Indeed.

And that you deserve punishment.
- Yes. Yes. Yes.

Stop! Enough of these extra pleasures.

No, please, just a few more.

If you don't withhold,
we will tickle you with our rods.

That would be too good to be true.

Please, do it.
I'm ready for anything.

But don't forget I'm a woman.

What further satisfaction do you seek for?
- Anything a woman can hope for.

That's all so...

Yes, I'm horny.
- Are you... - Yeah! I'm a nymphomaniac.

To free you from this condition
once and for all,

I will do what has never failed,
even in the worst cases.

My great buddies will put you into a
healing sleep

with lasting effects.

All your buddies? Great. - Your bedroom
manual is filled to bursting with virtues.

You will be sentenced
by all men present here.

Wonderful. It's always been
my dream to be sentenced by men.

Hey!

Outrageous! Shameless!

Lead her to the hardest bed
of her whole career.

No, no! - To the scaffold.

I haven't exploited all possibilities yet.

I know incredible tricks.
I 'll teach them to you.

You can only teach something to the devil.
- Where is the devil? No, no...

He'll come to get you.
Just a second.

No! What's that?

Your execution.
- Okay then, god damned!

One is not enough for you? Even
in your damnation you stay unmoved.

Damnation?
Hope hell will be...

Be quiet! If you want
to talk, then go home.

So that's the reward for the pleasures
I have given you men?

The guillotine is your prize.

So now you are in your favorite position.

Maybe the devil doesn't even fancy her.

That doesn't matter.

I'm sure he'll learn to
fancy her and burn her properly.

Silence! No private conversations
between executing officers,

please!
- Go for it, men!

Here we go!
In the name of the nation of men...

Stop!
- Executioner, do your duty!

Can't you wait another hour?
I have to lay the judge

before I go to hell. - No.

Have you gone mad?
I have had enough of you now.

You should be grateful
that anyone’s interested in you.

Thank God she's gone.
Finally some peace and quiet. Some people!

Those sluts always leave such a mess.
Yes! Who is it?

Speak of the Devil!
- I'm back!

My name's Christa Free.
- Whatever your name is...

I'm working on a movie...
- Now you're in my claws. Be it as it may!

You give lessons
in voice training and performing arts?

Yes. - I'll be honest, it's
all new land for me.

Take your clothes off - Why?
- Lt will give you a more spiritual balance.

That sounds very old-fashioned. - Nostalgic!

The basics of performing arts are...

The director told me, I
was some kind of natural wonder.

When I do things consciously,
they always go wrong.

And now I'm starting to have doubts.

Your inability
to transform instinct into conscious reality

is due to a fault. - I'm totally normal.

I'm sure you've heard of the materialization
of para-psychological forces?

Uri Geller type stuff?
You know! I'm a woman.

I can see by your figure!

If you could explain
how and where to work on my breathing,

I'd be more than...
- Satisfied? - Exactly!

I... - What? Stark-naked?

Your birthday suit!
- Alright. I'll do anything you want.

You know so much
about the ins- and outs of performing arts.

What's up? - Oh, Hymenéus.

What? - And now give me your best
Justizia, the blind woman.

I'm sure I'll make a mess of it.

She's the one who was obsessed with justice.
- A naive attempt at a definition, nevertheless.

And now strike
a graceful pose!

Even if you got hit on the head
with a hammer, you'd stay graceful.

Raise your arms! You Gods, I understand,

you think Justizia is a cowgirl.

Hang on! You're one of those easy chicks
with a seductive gaze.

Gazing doesn't get men hot.
- I've got other things to offer!

Exactly, you lovely creature!
In abundance.

Eve! Show me the snake!
- What else do you want?

It's Walpurgis Night, a witch!
- Make up your mind? Am I Justizia?

You're Pygmalion. - She's so vulgar!

So I'll cover your eyes Precious!

Ooops! Do you sense life's warmth
entrenched within my body.

What kind of cheesy stuff is that?
- Poets and philosophers

earned their meat
with what qualifies for you as cheese.

You peroxide dim-wit!

And now, let Justice raise its head

and give us your verdict
on fornication and robbery.

Fornication? - He, who is refused
the joys of gentle intercourse by Venus,

shall lie abandoned alone in bed.

Close your mouth!

How grateful I am for your punishment
and to earn your glory,

And the gifts, which Eros withholds.

Naked blonde one...

Wait! The insignia, the scales.

Every piece of voluptuous flesh

shall be weighed with these scales
and found wanting,

shall I add Gold,

Which I'll steal or I'll pinch,

then I must reel in some flesh,

then I am of need, when a shameless
one such as you appears.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth.

My sharp tooth will bite into you.
Where's the sword?

And sharpen my rusty blade,
then it belongs in your vagina.

No, where does it belong? - Here!

Yes, with Zeus. She's got it.
Ye Gods!

She knows where Justizia's sword belongs,
with which she shall pierce my body.

Sweet little Zirze!

Do-re-mi-fa-so-I...
Oh, all that firm flesh.

I can't take any more,

Don't give me any Blah-blah.
Give me justice!

Don't you feel anything? Well then
I don't know how to whip you into shape.

Others would have peaked by now.
- Peaked?

From the sublime to the ridiculous. - What?

It's only one step. Do it!

If you're not capable of
performing art, then you're screwed.

And that's where you are! I'm gonna
have a tough time with you.

You're a complicated case.
Lets do a loosening-up exercise.

Ju-ju-Justizia.

Bang, tralla and bang!

Justizia! I'm coming closer.

I'm getting closer.

Your boots are loosening me up.
Can I have one of your little boots?

Please! Please say yes!

I'll take it
and I'll pet it like a little animal.

I'll be good to it and
I'll stroke it and pet it...

Got you! You little rascals!

At the end, he wanted one of my boots.
I'm not taking any more lessons from him.

He's off his head.
He's not playing with a full deck.

And what will we do with the other clown'?
- I'll get rid of Larosh.

I'll worry about him. - Good!
- Who knows? Maybe I'll manage

to fob him off with the other boot.

I don't care if
you throw in a pair of socks.

I'm game for anything
if you sort it all out.

I'm a total wreck. Two hours of
Justizia and you're on your last legs.

Yes, Jim Bent speaking.
Yes, some good news.

I'm closing in on our target.
But of course!

I promised you
I'd do everything possible.

I was starting to think it wouldn't happen.
- Oh no!

Should I get my hopes up? - Yes, you should.

She gave me one of her boots
to pass on to you

and that's a real privilege

when you consider
that your sweetheart is in movies now

and on her way to becoming a star.
- What are you saying?

A star, a blockbuster!
Don't you want the boot?

No, I'm not going to let you
take the piss out of me.

Mr Larosh,
You can't even start to imagine

what it cost me
to get my hands on it.

Indeed! A lot of cash.

Do you think I could pay
with potato skins? Why? And where?

I can list it all for you:

Sparkling wine for the director,
caviar for the producer,

a bribe for the production manager, a decent
camera for my disguise,

visits to the theatre, the opera,
bars, night clubs.

Soon enough, the measly advance was gone.

Miss Free has expensive taste
in such things.

A slut? How can say such a thing?

She's only interested in top managers
in international trade and politics.

You're on a par
with Henry Kissinger, Sadat

and the newly-elected
Chancellor!

She even refused The Shah and you
want to refuse her boot?

Your cheques are so ridiculous, Miss
Free wouldn't even want to look at one.

You can wallpaper your toilet with them.

I thought you'd be happy
when someone does you a favour

but you get all self-righteous
and indulge in obscenities.

But now you've pushed my patience too far.
I'm going to throw your cheque in the trash.

Disgraceful!

Jerk!

Jimmy Babe! Have you come up with an idea?

Don't! I would have thought of some way
we could have used the cheque.

Well now it's gone. - Yes. - What the hell?

The cheque or me?

Exactly, my little Pussy Puss!

And now it's time for bed.

Night is falling
and we can't be seen together.

And if you're having second thoughts,
it's too late for that now.

You rogue! - The rogue has done his time.
- Ls that a promise?

Miss Jonas is a happy, young woman now.

The Devil is always here in her house.

And if someone tries to drive him out,
he'll get a proper pasting.

The lady won't co-operate
in any form of exorcism,

even though it's become very fashionable lately.

Is that what you think?
- She works in movies too

and she knows all about hype. She knows
that the Devil is not a proper man.

He just pretends to be.

That's why he has to crank up his act.

Really? - Like I'm doing at the moment.

Out of fear that you might
choose a millionaire ahead of me.

Is he likeable? - Who? - The Devil.

Yes. - Do you want him to stay?

Yes. - That's nice of you - As long as he wants.

Maybe he is a real man.
- Yes, he is.