What Luck? (2011) - full transcript

Key jingle can be heard.
Followed by car starting
sound...

Unknown voice [os]
oh, man.

Guitar strums, outdoor sounds.

Voice [os]
hi. I'm John. I live out in here
in lovely barstow, ca.

You know, some people call
barstow the armpit of the world.

That is so....Totally not the
truth. More like the butthole.

Well...it's not a butthole, it's
an armpit. Or butt-arm-hole.

They say there's only two ways
you can get out of barstow...

A] Death. And 2] Win the lotto.
I think I'll go for #2.

The year... well that's
unimportant. Just know

that it's Tuesday. I think it's
Tuesday. Could be Thursday.



Feels like a Thursday. Alright,
we'll split the difference and

say Wednesday. Anyway, job #7.
Not quite as shitty as job #2...

But it's a job. I feel like this
might be the one.

My girlfriend Holly, she
disagrees. You know she does

always talk to me about - how I
should focus on something

and get my life together. But
she hasn't had seven jobs.

So screw her. I'm gonna go down
to main street and buy me a

lotto ticket at the liquor
store. That's what I'm talking

about. I mean , you know if the
statistics are right I'm in

good shape cause they say every
year the califlornia lottery

generates over 3 billion mother-
fucking dollars!

But enough about me. That's
Holly. The love of my life.

Yeah, I really think she's the
one. And she thinks that I have

the potential to be the one.
With a little work. Yeah,



whatever. I'm due for an over-
haul anyways...But, she is a

little sassy though, I mean,
c'mon look at her. I'd totally

hit that. Well, I have hit
that. I do hit that. Yeah,

we been going through some rough
patches lately...

But who doesn't right? We'll get
through it though I'm sure.

I hope. I don't know...Then
there's my best buddy Tim.

Well, sort of my best buddy. I
mean we've known each other

forever. But he's been totally
trying to swoop in on Holly.

What the fuck right? So I was
like dude, and he's like dude?

Look, if she leaves you she's
fair game. It's like hhmmm,

I agree. I shouldn't have. I
mean friends don't date friends

ex-girlfriends, right? Isn't
there some sort of bro code

about that? I don't know what
sucks more, that or walking to

the bus stop. Just to go and
borrow grandma's car...

What luck. Yeah, what fucking
luck. My mother always used

to say - I have the luck of the
Irish. And I always used to

wonder...
What luck?

Shit.

[Holly]: I'm hungry again,
seriously. I think I might have

a tapeworm.
[Lance:] Yeah...

[Lance:] I can see that. You
eat like a horse.

John [os] - Oh, speaking of
douches , I almost forgot about

this guy. Lance.... sir
Lancelot. He's a thespian.

Okay, right there that should
be a sign that somethings...

Just I don't know. She says
"oh,we're just acting buddies."

Yeah. Right. Acting. Fucking
actors. Huh? Yeah, more like

fuck buddies.

I don't eat a lot - just
frequently.

Hmm,mmm.

Although, I don't really have an
appetite right now.

Luckily you have the metabolism
of a 14 year old.

So does your mom....

Seriously, I can tell there is
something wrong. What's up?

Oh....I'm just...Really, annoyed
with John. I don't know what to

do, I don't know if I should
call him back, or if I should

make him wait it out...Because,
he's clearly not making an

effort for me.
[Lance:] Uhmm....Duh.

That is exactly what I've been
saying the whole time.

I mean he, doesn't ... spend
time with you. He's always at

one of his 6 jobs...
[Holly:] Right.

5 that he's been fired from
obviously, so, I mean...

I don't know. You're just two
different for him.

I know, you think that it would
be great though...

Yeah, 'cause you're my girl.
Hello!? [Holly:] Right.

I mean but, he is pretty great.
It's not that...It's all bad.

You know there is a lot of
good. That's why I want it

to work. [Lance:] He does have
really good hair.

And soft hands.

I still don't understand how you
guys have sex though...

I mean, he's got to be tiny,
right?

He is hung like a light switch,
but there's more, uh....

I don't... I mean he's probably,
really good with cunilinguous.

Well, you've seen how big his
mouth is...

Hmmm, I just hope your pussy's
not that big.

My shit is tight. Thank you very
much.

[Lance:] I'll take your word for
it. God knows everybody else

has been down there. So...

Tim
'Kay I'm almost ready.
Hold on... hold on...

[Holly:] Are you sure this is
good? Cause the wind is

kind of moving my hair into my
face...

[Tim:] The trailer is perfect.
[Holly:] Okay.

I just feel like I've got a lot
of hair in my face...

[Lance:] How about my hair? Is
it good?

Yeah, sure. Great, see. Right
there, see. Perfect. Alright...

Tim
ready to go...Okay, okay.
Set.... action.

[Holly:] We're so close.
[Tim:] Okay, good.

Tim
alright, I don't see your eyes.
And... action!

John [os]
Good old Tim. Always wanted to
be a "filmmaker". Yeah, right.

Got to admire his tenacity
and perserverance though...

I mean, phew, wow. Which should
make up for his lack of talent.

It doesn't.

[Tim:] Okay, keep it close.
Ready, 3,2,1...

Both shouting
[Lance:] It's the new trailer!
[Holly:] It's a new puppy!

[Lance:] It's not a puppy, no.
Hello. Hey, hello. You're...

Right there.
[Holly:] Oh, god.

[Tim:] Pefect, cut! Cut!
That was so perfect,

I absolutely loved it! For the
next scene we have up is the

bedroom scene. You're gonna
be...

Are you sure this isn't some nc-
17 porno, because I did not

sign up to do that.

No, it's going to be a
legitimate film. We've got

pasties and everything.

Pasties... I don't think John's
gonna be okay with that...

He's a 100% on board. We're
doing this together. He wants

me to make my film. We're in it
to win it.

Professional films dude? Is
that even a real camera?

Does it shoot film?

Black and white equals art film
big boy. Just be happy I didn't

make you learn your lines in
French. Now, I really gotta get

going to my next job. Meet you
at base camp.

Okay, um...You forgot your
camera.

I gotta go get our next scene
ready, so just, just work this

out and get the camera for me.

Get the camera for you?

Are you kidding me? What a
douche.

Okay, I'm...Right. I'm gonna...
We gotta bring the camera back?

Oh, okay! I guess you gotta
bring the camera back.

What a dick.
[Lance:] Me? I'm gonna...

You're stronger than I am.

Techno music plays.

Techno music plays.

John [voice over]
This routine is so tired.

Sucks. My balls. Everyday. Same
thing. Get up. Go to work.

Spend my last dollar on a lotto
ticket - hoping that maybe it'll

change my mundane existence...

Store beep sound

uh, can I have one lotto ticket
please?

Cashier
yes, just one?

Just one, yeah.

Maybe it's your lucky day.

Oh, yeah. I hope so.

Alright, thank you very much.
[Clerk:] You're welcome.

Alright, you have a nice day.
[Clerk:÷} You too.

Buenos dias.
[Clerk:÷} Hola, tardes.

Buenos tardes.
[Clerk:] Yes.

John vo
seems so mundane doesn't it?

Life. Just repeating itself. Day
in, day out. Day after mother-

fucking day. Until you die.

Sighs.

Answering machine beeps:

John, are you there John? It's
just your mother, nobody
important...

You think you might call me once
in awhile, normal kids call
their mothers you know.

You talk to Tim all the time.
His mother Betty told me.

How are you and Holly? She still
around? Nevermind on getting
back to me until

you got friggin' fleas in your
fluff. Then you'll tell me what
you and Tim are up to.

Machine ends. Beeps again. New
voice. Holly's voice.

John are you there? You better
not be screening my calls.

You're probably listening to
records, that's alright. But

when you get off work tomorrow
at noon I'd really like to see
you.

[John mumbles:] Fuck....
You're gonna have to make a
decision John.

It's me or that stupid job of
yours. I mean really, you're
spending all your time at

that stupid place or with your
stupid records and not enough
with me. This is getting really

old, really fast. You need to
decide John. It's either that

burger joint, or me. If you want
a second chance - don't forget

our lunch date tomorrow. 3 pm.
Do not be late.

The phone hangs up
with a loud click.

[John:]
C'mon lotto.

John vo
my therapist keeps asking
me...Are you doing what you're
doing today because

you did it yesterday? Huh?
Yep! Pretty much.

Phone rings

c'mon John, pick up. Pick up.
Aw, fucking shit hole, bastard.

Cocksucker.

John
hello.

John, dude. Please, please,
you've got to save me here.

Uh,...i need you to call me back
right now and ask to borrow
something.

Whatever, just help me get out
of the house. Please.

Man, I told you last time you
called, I'm not gonna

do that shit - call your house
so you can leave. Just tell your

old lady and split, man.

Dude...c'mon John. You
know how she is.

Everytime that I try to go
somewhere, I'm like

"blah blah blah." And she's like
"blah, blah, blah."

And then I'm like "blah." Dude
it's just a never ending "blah"

fest, dude just please. Call me.
Save me the shit. And get me

the fuck out of here.

Don't be such a pussy.

I'm not gonna call!

Tim
dude...

Remember buffalo?

John [voiceover]
Everytime with this guy...

Every fucking time!

Buffalo this, buffalo that...

[Groans]

John
crap... alright, fine!

Time
yeah. That's what I thought.
Thank you.

Guitar music plays

door bell rings

John
open!

[Tim:] Greetings, fuckhole.
[John:] Hey, douche.

[Tim:] Yeah, yeah, it takes one
to blow one.

John [sarcastically]
Oh, I feel honored! Two beers!

Tim
I showed you this, right?

John
yeah. You're married.

Tim
but you know what this
represents?

You know what this really means?

Don't say yes, because you
don't!

John [voice over]
Well, here we go again.

Tim's nightly misogynistic rant
against marriage, women...

And his wife. Just like
clockwork.

In three... two...

Tim
this is a prison sentence.

I might as well be castrated, I
might as well...

Have a case of herpes, I should
have gonnorhea...

My dick should fall off at this
point...

It's absolutely doing nothing.

John
uh, okay... alright, I believe
you.

Dog barking noises

Tim
what's that?

John
oh, it's my roommate.

Dog barking noise

Tim
uhh... that doesn't answer my
question...

What is that sound?

John
well, he dreams he's a dog.

Dog barking noise

John
it's weird.

Tim
I'm missing something here...

I hear the howling. I get it.

John
alright, c'mon, let's check it
out...

Go go go go!

Dog barking noises

John and Tim laughing

Tim
seriously?

John
serious.

Tim
does he always do this?

John
no, he was a cat last month.

Tim
pussy.

John
wierd.

Ooooo, yuck...

Woof!

Meow!

Let's get out of here.

Tim
lovely find with that roommate.

Cell phone rings

John
hey! Holly wolly Willy baby!

I was gonna cally... Willy wolly
you...

In a minny-winute.

Holly
uh... are you drunk right now?

John
no, no I'm not drunk.

Holly
oh really... okay.

Um... I just wanna make sure
we're still on...

For tomorrow.

John
I get off at 2.

So... I'll see you at 2:33ish?

Holly
well, let's say 3 for sure...

Just make sure you don't stay
late or have to...

Work longer or anything.

John
no no no, woah woah woah...

I promise... babe, I promise
I'll be there.

I won't be late!

Holly
just... ya know...

When you get off work, come
straight to meet me.

John
okay.

Holly
don't go by any record stores...

I don't want you wasting your
time, looking for records...

That aren't there, I already
checked.

John
ha, you know I love record
stores!

Holly
I know you do...

And I know you waste a lot of
time in them...

When you could be hanging out
with me...

That's all I'm saying.

John
yeah...

Holly
alright, well, have a...

Good day at work tomorrow,
m'Kay? See you at 3.

John
okay.

Holly
okay.

John
oh! Uh, one more thing!

Holly hangs up.

There's this uh... hello?...
Holly?

Phone beeps

John
hello?

Oh, fuck...

Tim makes mocking noises

Tim
you pussy-whipped fuckhole!

John [voice over]
Yeah, that's Tim for ya.

Captain sensitivity.

Yeah, right there, look at him.
Yeah, you can tell, right?

Always a great guy to have
around when you're down.

And by great I mean fucking
asshole.

John
I am not, Holly just...

Hung up on me when I told her I
have to work tomorrow...

Ya cock smuggler...

Tim
how does one smuggle a cock
anyways?

John
I don't know what a cock
smuggler is, okay?

I just made it because I'm mad.

Tim
you're being more pussy-whipped!

John
no, I'm not whipped!

I just like pussy...

Look, Tim, I'm not really into
this tonight, so...

Would ya mind leaving? I'm just
gonna go to bed.

Tim
yeah, I do mind...

I've spent way too much time
preppin' on this to just...

Throw it away because you're
bitch-fucked.

John
what?

Tim
bitch-fucked.

Ya know, she's a bitch, you fuck
her...

You're fucked by the bitch,
bitch-fucked!

That's you! You are
bitch-fucked!

John
no, you're a fucking douche!

Tim
yeah, I've had about all...

I can take of you, I'm gonna
leave this right here for you...

Or maybe right there!

Fuck yourself!

John
uh... yeah, well...

Better than fucking you, pussy!
Why don't ya just go!

Leave me alone...

John [voice over]
Yeah, that's time and me...

The fraternal brotherhood of
dickholes...

I do support his filmmaking and
he supports my... well...

Whatever I'm doing....

Whatever I decide to do with my
life, okay?

Yeah, one day...

Calm guitar music

New song plays

Song continues playing

Masturbation noises

Ejaculation noises

John [voiceover]
Okay! That was a fucked up day.

I mean, one day at a time,
right? Ugh, fucking Holly....

I mean, we'll work it out. We
always do... kinda...

Just gotta get to work tomorrow,
on time!

And keep Charlie happy.

Ugh, another douche...

God, I hope grandma's car
doesn't fuck up on me.

Shit! Okay, sleep....

Creepy music plays

John [echoed]
Oh, dreaming! Here we go. Dream!

Dreaming! Holly!

Holly [echoed]
Just come straight here.

Really fight for you to make me
a priority!

Holly's voice repeats and echoes

monster noises

John [echoed]
Holly! I promise you!

Monster noises

creepy music escalates

John [echoed]
I'll wash my balls, Holly!

I don't even shave my balls,
Holly!

Monster devouring noises

[radio host:] Keep your eyes
open for the mysterious...

Spider-guy! Two muggings this
week...

By the web-slinging perpetrator!
[John:] [Gasps]

[Radio host:] Keep your doors
locked and your eyes peeled!

[Radio host:] But hey! Let's
to this week's lottery!
[John:] Oh shit!

[Radio host:] Real news, get
your tickets ready!

Here we go!

This week's winning numbers are
9, 13, 36, 17, 47, 52.

[Radio host:] And the mega
number is...

Seven!

The prize, my friends, up to $23
million greenbacks...

Lemme tell ya, that is enough to
change somebody's life...

One lucky bastard gonna be
paying all his debts tonight!

Is it you?

Now if you haven't heard
already...

The ticket was bought right-

frantic song plays

[Radio host:] -In barstow, our
own home town!

Wow, that's big news!

Check those tickets folks, it's
gonna be an exciting day!

Now in other news, the nefarious
drag bar...

The pickled tuna- I love that
name- they are...

At it again, my friends, they
can't stay out of the news!

This time, trying to host a job
fair at a local high school!

C'mon, people! Get real! I know
what you're saying...

But keep your pants on. No one
was exposed.

But I do believe the principal
was seen leaving with...

The owners to discuss an
"arrangement" of some type.

No one knows really what went
down...

Or who went down on who. More on
that later, right here...

On bat country radio!

Cars engine sputters

John [voice over]
Oh my god...

This car runs like shit!

Oh, sorry car. I didn't mean
that. Good car, nice car!

Good, okay, run, running!
Gooood! Good, yeah.

Car engine breaks down

car won't start

John
shit!

John [voice over]
Okay...

This is a great way to start the
day, right?

What a fucking great day.

Woke up late, wearing dirty
clothes...

And now grandma's fucking car
dies on me again!

Ugh! God!

Can't get any worse.

[John:] Okay. Running, running!

Can not be late! Can not be
late!

Fuck, it's hot out here!

[Charlie:] Hey John!
[John:] What the fuck...

[John:] Oh, hey Charlie!

John [voice over]
Ah, yes.

Charlie. My favorite boss. Said
no one ever!

I really think this guy has
failed upward his entire life.

[John:] Whew, scared me!

John
hey man, sorry I'm late!

I just need to get my stuff and
punch in. But uh...

Somebody's got their lock on my
locker...

We're gonna have to do something
about that.

Charlie
yeah man. Don't worry about it.

[John:] But I... it's locked. I
need to get my shirt...

And punch in!

Charlie
John, didn't you, uh...

Didn't you quit?

John
hell no I didn't quit!

Why would I quit?

Charlie
oh that's right.

I quit you! That's what
happened.

[John:] You mean I'm fired?

Charlie
ding ding!

Look, I can even see the light
bulb going on your head.

[John:] Hey come on man... can't
we work something out here?

I really need this job!

Charlie
"yeah, I really need this job"

yeah, John, I heard you man, ya
know...

But I can't have people coming
in whenever they want.

It's... I don't have my watch,
but you're late, man!

John
you're telling me I'm fired?

[Charlie:] Yeah. You gotta clean
out the wax from your ears?

That's what I'm saying, man.
You're fired. F-i-r-e-d.

John
Charlie man, look...

I'm sorry I'm late! I really
need this job man!

[Charlie:] Yeah, blah blah, we
all need this job, John.

I don't wanna hear it!

[John:] It's three fucking
minutes!

Charlie
three fucking minutes.

Yeah, 3 minutes adds up every
day, ya know...

I have Juan and Carlos coming
in, and they come in on time.

They do their work, they don't
complain.

John
how do you even know...

If they complain, you can't even
understand Spanish!

Charlie
you bitch a little too...

Much for me, John. That's not
why I'm firing you...

It's the whole lateness...
[John:] No, no!

[John:] That's not bitching! I'm
just trying to...

Get things to move... ya know...
Smooth operation!

[Charlie:] What do you want me
to do, John? I'm sorry.

Charlie
this is a business!

I gotta run a business, man, I'm
the manager!

Okay? So don't let the fucking
gate hit you on the way out!

[John:] Yeah, but...
[Charlie:] No buts, John.

John
c'mon, open my god damn locker!

Fuck you man, I quit!

[Charlie:] What the fuck? John!

[Charlie:] John, open up this
fucking door right now!

[Charlie:] John, I have
customers!

Funky music plays

John [voice over]
It's the little victories...

In life that make it so
bearable.

And maybe a snow cone.

I had to say it couldn't get
worse.

Well, this is where it gets
worse.

[Spider-guy] Gimme the watch,
fucko!

[John:] You serious?
[Spider-guy]: Do I look serious?

John
no.

[Spider-guy:] I am! Deadly
serious!

[John:] A fucking butter knife?
C'mon dude!

Ow!

Punching noises

[kid:] I'll save you spider-guy!

[Kid:] Take this you douche!

Taser noises

[kid:] Take that!

John moans

Holly
I mean, I really feel like...

Tim is hitting on me. Is it just
me?

Lance
gee, do ya think?

I mean, come on. Anybody with a
pulse could tell.

I myself am an ass man, but...

It's pretty obvious.

Holly
well, this is awkward.

What do you think I should do?

Lance
I think that you should offer...

Tim head and then bite his cock
off.

Holly
seriously?

Lance
what?

What did you expect from me?

Holly
I dunno, something better...

Than that, I could of come up
with that on my own.

Should I do the film?

Lance
I dunno, it's up to you.

I think I have to do it either
way because...

I'm involved in the process, I'm
an artist, I need the credit.

Holly
you just wanna lay Tim.

[Lance:] Shut up!
[Holly:] Maybe that'll solve my
problem!

Holly
I dunno, I mean...

He's John's best friend, I don't
wanna say anything...

It's just awkward. It's awkward.

Lance
yeah, I can understand...

How you'd feel that way, but...

Holly
alright, well, look, I gotta...

Go home before I go to work. Can
you take me?

Lance
I'll take you anywhere.

Holly
gross.

Funk music plays

John [voice over]
Wow, those clouds...

Look like boobs!

Tow truck noises

John
woah woah woah, hey buddy!

C'mon! No no! Agh, shit!

Fuck!

John [voice over]
I don't even need to say it.

No words needed, okay? Alright,
well, maybe two...

Fuck me!

John
ugh!

What the?

Oh, fuck!

God damn it! What the fuck...

Music plays

Alberta
hola.

I have not seen you here before.

What is your name?

John
uh, John...

[Alberta:] Hola Juan.

John
yeah...

It's been a hell of a day.

Alberta
do you always take the bus Juan?

John
uh, no, my car broke down.

So I'm... doing the mass transit
thing I guess.

[Alberta:] I'm sorry to hear
that.
[John:] Yeah.

Alberta
where do you live...

If you don't mind me asking?

John
uh... 7th and 5th.

Alberta
7th and 5th?

[John:] Yeah.
[Alberta:] I did not know
those two streets intersected.

[John:] They do.
[Alberta:] Okay.

John
well now with the new...

Construction project, they're
definitely connected.

[John:] It's a long walk, that's
why I'm taking the bus.

[Alberta:] Listen, I have never
touched a blue man before...

Do you mind if I give you a tiny
little squeeze?

[Alberta:] Just a little one.

I promise I will not make it
wierd.

John
alright.

Alberta
oh!

[Alberta:] Oh look at that!

John
okay! Alright, okay!

[Alberta:] No I...

Alberta
I sorry...

I can't help myself!

I have never been with a blue
man before!

[John:] Okay, listen, it's nice
chatting with you...

I'm just waiting for the bus,
I've had a bad day....

Lost my job, okay, not really
feeling that chatty...

[Alberta:] Okay mister strong
and silent type... okay!

No want to chat with me. No
problem.

I will just sit here and look
beautiful.

[John:] It's alright...

[Alberta:] Listen, maybe you win
the lottery or something!

You have to keep your chin up!

John
yeah...

Alberta
but also I'm getting off...

Work tonight at like 9 o'clock.

[John:] Uh...
[Alberta:] Maybe we could...

Meet up at the pickled tuna?

[Alberta:] And then I could
tickle you with my sunflower...

And by sunflower I mean penis.

John
what?

Alberta
yeah, I want to tickle you...

With my sunflower.

[John:] Well no, you just said
"and your penis"...

Alberta
you swing?

John
uh...

What's your name again?

Alberta
my name is alberta.

[John:] Okay, alberta, nice
talking to ya.

[Alberta:] Nice talking to you
too.

John
have a nice day!

[Alberta:] Oh it's like that?
Okay, it's like that.

I just sit here...
[John:] No I'm just, ya know...

Alberta
you have made it...

Completely clear! I am going to
sit here by myself...

And not make small talk with
stranger!

John
I think that's a great idea...

[Alberta:] The bus is here...

See you later, Juan....

John [voice over]
Okay, that was just
fucking weird.

Right? I mean, I'm not judging,
okay?

Alright. Maybe a little.

I mean, who the hell wants to
tickle you...

With their fucking penis at a
bus stop in broad daylight?

Who does that? Who... that's
just gross.

Car horn honking

[Tim:] Hey, John! John!

John
Tim! Dude, you're a lifesaver!

You're not gonna fucking believe
this!

[John:] I got fired.

[John:] My car overheated again!

And to top it off, I'm at the
bus stop...

And this crossdresser tries to
pick me up and wants...

Uh, to make me his midnight
snack and all I can...

Smell is dog shit.

[Tim:] I thought that was you
too!

Well, that was probably what the
tranny saw in you!

She smells a little ass, thinks
she can get some ass...

It kinda makes sense.

That kinda reminds me, I was
shooting this scene the other
day.

I know I said I'd never do porn,
but...

I got the action going on,
shooting, doing my thing...

Next thing ya know, you get
down around the butthole...

And there's the poop.
[John:] What?

[John:] When?
[Tim:] I had a little poop in
front of my lens.

I couldn't believe it, I saw
poop.

[John:] Oh dude...
[Tim:] I guess that's why I
don't do porn.

[John:] Yeah, please, don't do
porn, man.
[Tim:] Yeah.

[John:] You did not have to use
Holly with Lance in your movie!

You weren't even gonna tell me,
were ya?

[Tim:] Of course I knew you'd be
all insecure about it, John.

[John:] Oh, what are you gonna
tell me now, that...

You're all inspired with your
art and craft? C'mon!

[Tim:] Holly gives you blue
balls anyway...

Why are you working so hard to
keep that bitch happy?

[John:] Dude... I already have
blue balls, okay?

[Tim:] Bluer.

[John:] Very blue.

Ya know, things could be worse.
I could have a brain aneurism.

And die. Right?

I don't wanna be like twitching
and...

[Tim:] Just don't die in my
car, please.

[John:] Ya know what, Tim? You
should think about...

Starting a support group.

[Tim:] You took the words right
outta my mouth!

I was just thinking that.
Especially people like you.

Sorry asses anonymous.

[John:] Dude.

[Tim:] Has a ring to it, doesn't
it?

Sorry asses anonymous.

Saa.... doesn't really work so
much with the letters...

[John:] C'mon, give it an
acronym. Let's go.

Sorry asses anonymous.

That's sas...

[Tim:] Sas?

[John:] Sas.

[Tim:] But anonymous doesn't
start with an s.

[John]: Sorry asses anonymous,
that's saa...

[Tim:] Ya know, the glasses
might make you look smart...

But they don't make you smart.

[John:] Fucking car overheated
again.

[Tim:] Oh shit.

[John:] I only got a couple
hours to get it back.

[Tim:] Here it comes!

Next you're gonna wanna borrow
my baby.

[John:] Well, now that you
mention it, yeah.

[Tim:] Wife at home, she does
not mean anything compared to...

This car. This car is my life.

[John:] You have crashed at my
house so many freaking times...

And to top it off, how many
times have I...

Called you and went "blah blah
blah" so you could, ya know...

Have a fake conversation to get
your ass outta the house.

[Tim:] Uh...
[John:] C'mon, you owe me.

[Tim:] Ya know, things that we
gotta do...

That's all there is to it, I
mean...

I'm not just gonna tell the
bitch "lemme outta the house"...

Like I told you, as soon as I
say one thing...

And she's like "blah blah blah"
and I'm like "blah blah blah"...

And she's like "blah" and I'm
like "blah"...

Ya know?
[John:] Yeah.

[Tim:] Women, ya can't live with
them, can't have...

Heterosexual sex without them.
[John:] Oh dude...

[Tim:] Fuck is it hot today!

Must be 105!

You don't sweat, do you?

[John:] Oh I'm sweaty. Why don't
you touch my balls.

Those are sweaty.

Music plays

[Tim:] Hey John!

[John:] What?
[Tim:] Love ya buddy!

[John:] I, uh, love you too,
man.

Have a good time!

[Grumbles]

Tim
Holly. Tim here. Your director.

You guys got the camera back
alright, yeah? Okay.

Um, yeah, I talked to John, and
he's totally fine.

Pasties, no pasties, like I
said...

He's in it to win it.

Whatever it takes to get this
scene done.

Ya know, he's my bro.

Like, if he wasn't cool with
it...

Then we wouldn't be doing it.
It's that simple.

I promise, Holly, I'll make it
look good. Don't worry.

Alright. Bye.

Loud porn plays on TV.

Music plays

well, isn't this some bullshit.
Did I just walk into a China
shop?

Um, excuse me?

Can I help you?

Yeah, um, my car was towed.

Ohhhh, no shit really. Well,
what brings you here then?

Well, because...You're the
towing company...

Yeah, and you need to fill out
this form and I need some money.

It was just brought in, how
much?

Uhh, it's 200 dollars. Once
it's in my yard, that's what

it's gonna cost for you to get
it out.

What? C'mon you're kidding
right?

Do I look like I'm bullshitting
you?

[Groans]
Look, um, sir, can I make
payments or something?

Because I, I don't have $200
right now. I just lost my job,
and...

Tough shit Sherlock. Look it, we
are open till 5pm. Go get some

cash or tomorrow it's gonna be
$400.

Aw...man. Look, can't we work
something out, I mean you seem

like, you're very reasonable...

Yeah, what? Oh, funny boy huh?

No, no, no.

Hey how 'bout I give you a
break! I'm gonna break

both your legs you asshole! Now
come back when you have the

cash!

Uh...um, well I just need one
break...

Get out!

Techno music plays

techno music plays

techno music plays

techno music plays

techno music plays

techno music plays

techno music plays

techno music plays

techno music plays

ah, ha...Look whose here. Who's
on time? Wait for it - tick,

tock, time is 3 o'clock, I 'm
gonna give you my...Ah, didn't

say it...He,he,he...Do the drum
beat, bam, bam, whose the

Trinity time traveling man - on
time! That's right. It's me.

Just sit down.
[John:] Okay, sure.

Wow, this place is awesome.

I know right.
[John:] Yeah.

It's the bottle tree ranch,
you've never been here?

It's, this place is great.
Bottle tree ranch, I can

why it got it's name. Wow.
Ya know, I gotta say Holly

this is one of the many things I
really dig about you is you

always come up with really cool
places to picnic and have lunch,

and really like that, thanks
man. This is some, one of the

many reasons why I really dig
you. You went all out - reasons,
favorite...

[Holly:] Yeah...Well, thanks. I
mean I try.

Yeah, yeah, you do.

Um, I got you something else.
[John:] Wait...

A surprise. Check it out.
Ta da!

Oh, my god.

Are you excited?

You're kidding me!?
[Holly:] No, not.

This is the one I've been
hunting for.

I know, I know. Check it out.

Oh, my god. Stereo?

Isn't it awesome?

Holly...this is fucking great,
man. I've been looking for this

thing all over and every-
where I go they seem to be

out of it.
[Holly:] Wow.

Okay, wait. Wait, wait...Why you
buying me a gift?

Why, what do you mean? Why
wouldn't I? I mean, I know...

You're on like your 6th job in 3
months and, um, I really have

a good feeling about this one.
So I'm trying to do something
nice for you...

Uh, it's like the 7th...Job.

What do you mean?

Charlie fired me.

Why? What happened?

I don't wanna talk about it.
But I got mine though...

I locked him in the freezer.
[Holly:] You did what?

I locked him in the freezer. He
deserved it.

Oh my god...

I mean I was feeling I was in
the moment, kind of postal,

and he just really rubbed me the
wrong way, man. I did good

shit for him.

Well, what am I gonna do with
you?

I don't know. [Sighs] What am I
gonna do about Lance, Holly,

huh?
[Holly:] What do you mean?

Well, uh, I don't know, you guys
are, you know, you're close,

and you guys are always talking
on the phone and you're like

best buds and now you're
shooting a movie together,

and I just, it just makes me
feel, I don't know...

Insecure?
[John:] No,no, no...

I'm not insecure, it's just, I
mean, look let's face it...

Lance is uh, one of those model
types who should be on the

cover of one of those romance
novels. He's kind of like

a cross between a Tom Cruise and
a fabio. So...Uh, you know

excuse me if I can't imagine him
slipping you the bone!

What?
[John:] Yeah.

That's ridiculous. You're being
a totally douche about this.

No,no. I don't think I am.
[Holly:] Yeah, I think you are.

No I think you guys are playing
hide the salami.

[Holly:] Are you serious?
Behind my back!

You guys haven't you know...Done
the old 2 step boogie?

Nooo.
[John:] He hasn't slipped you

the salami?
[Holly:] Oh, my god.

I can't even believe you right
now.

You haven't opened up your
mountain cabin for him?

Ewww. God you know what, this
was just a waste of time.

I don't even know why I
even bothered. I don't even

know why I did any of this. You
know what John, forget it.

Holly...wait just...
[Holly:] No. You're being an
asshole.

Holly.... Holly! C'mon babe...
I uh....Check. Anybody?

Guitar music plays with a
harmonica...

John vo:
So, I'm just hoping, I win the
lotto - my life will be good.

My life will be simple. Yeah.
And then, Holly will really love
me. Not just for my looks.

You know.
[Machine sounds start]

Newscaster voice:
Everyone's talking about this

mornings lottery. Someone in
in our little town, right here,

has won. But no one has
stepped up to claim it.

C'mon people, check your
tickets. Now, people are

speculating that maybe that
ticket was thrown away...

Causing people to check old and
discarded tickets...

Going through the trash!

People be checkin' any little
ticket...

They can get their hands on!

Now, again, a $23 million
winning ticket, my friends...

So, right here in barstow, and
no one has claimed it!

Now that's just part of the half
a billion dollars...

That goes unclaimed just here in
California!

[Tim:] I live in barstow!
[Newscaster:] What's up with
that?

[Newscaster:] So, just in case
you missed those numbers...

Okay, here we go! The numbers
are 9, 13, 36...

It gets better everytime! 17,
47, 52, and that...

Mega number is 7!

Now, we're gonna leave the
numbers of the screen for ya...

And if you win it, you can split
it with me, okay? Would ya?

Alright, I didn't think so.
Alright, back to the...

Real world news of death and
destruction!

Music plays

newscaster:
Everyone's talking about this
morning's lottery!

Someone in our town, right here,
has won!

Car horn honks.

[John:] Alright, get a move on,
Batman!

Tim
go go go!

Woo!

This is it!

[John:] Woah, woah...
[Tim:] This is our future, dude!

[John:] So, where do I start?

The tasing, the freezer, or your
arm full of scrap paper here?

[Tim:] This is no mere scrap
paper, my friend...

This is a part of my future.

And yours.
[John:] Whatever, I don't even

wanna know.

Let's just get to the impound so
I can get my fucking car...

And get home! God!

So done with this day, man, I'm
ready to go postal!

[Tim:] Really?
[John:] Yeah.

[Tim:] Well, maybe I will get
with my gun guy...

It might be worthwhile to see
you go postal on somebody...

As long as you give me enough
notice...

That I can roll on it, 'cause
it'd make a great fucking scene.

Right?
[John:] Yeah, whatever, just...

Get me a gun, I'm gonna shoot
that...

Oiled up pussy right in his
scrotum!

[Tim:] You mean Lance?
[John:] Yeah.

[Tim:] No no no, don't do that,
dude!

I'd have to fuckin' recast
Holly, dude. Please!

[John:] What, afraid of your
stallion getting castrated?

I guess I don't ahve to worry
about you and Holly...

Hooking up, huh?

[Tim:] Uh, if I were you, I
wouldn't worry about me...

Worry about Lance. He's probably
out fucking her right now.

[John:] Uh, god, you're such a
bitch!

[Tim:] Douche.
[John:] Douche!

[Tim:] Jinx!
[John:] Double jinx, I quit!

[Tim:] Whatever, if anyone's a
douche, it's you, man.

[John:] You're a bag of douche!

[Tim:] Well, you're a douchey
bag of douche.
[John:] I might be a douche...

But you, you're like a... uh...

Bags of douche!

[Tim:] What would a bag of
douche look like?

'Cause a douche is a bag, so...

A bag of douchebags? That's just
fucking stupid.

[John:] Well, there's douche and
there's douchebag...

And you're like a whole bag of
douchebags.

A case! You're a trunk! Of
douchebagness!

[Tim:] So is Lance, and that's
why I cast him...

Against Holly!
[John:] Oh, god, you're a...

Bitch!
[Tim:] Well, they had some...

Real chemistry, man, what can I
say?

[John:] Yeah... I flunked
chemistry too, so fuck it.

[Tim:] Ha, I'm giving them an f
in chemistry. Fuck chemistry!

[John:] God, you've got about as
much sensitivity...

As an African beetle.

Uh, can I ask you a question?

[Tim:] Uh, sounds like you're
going to, whether...

I want you to or not, John.

[John:] Listen, um...

[Tim:] What are ya trying to
say?

How much do you need, John?
[John:] What?

[Tim:] How much do you need?

[John:] What are ya talking
about?

[Tim:] Are you trying to ask me
for money right now?

[John:] Yeah...

I need a couple hundred bucks...

I gotta get my car outta hock.

[Tim:] A couple hundred!?
[John:] I know!

Do you believe that shit?
[Tim:] What the fuck?

Been there fall week? You
were just driving it...

This morning!
[John:] I know!

So if I don't get it out by the
end of the day...

It goes up to $400 tomorrow!

[Tim:] Fuck! Who's the bully
that runs that place?

[John:] Exactly, he is! He's a
bull.

[Tim:] What, like, a bull?

[John:] Yeah, he's a real bull.
[Tim:] [Raspberry noise]

[John:] Guy's full of shit,
smells like shit...

Giving me shit...

[Tim:] You're gonna take a lot
more than just shit...

If you're gonna get 200 bucks
outta me, man.

I let you borrow my car, if I
let you borrow money...

You're gonna have to let me
borrow your girl.

For another scene.

And, it might be a nude scene.
[John:] [Sighs]

[John:] Alright, how about
this...

You let me borrow your car,
you loan me 200 bucks...

And the next time you call, case
you want me to get you...

Out of the clutches of the old
ball and chain...

I won't be such a douche.

[Tim:] You're supposed to be
doing that anyways...

I thought you were my friend.

[John:] Well, yeah, but you ask
me to do it all the time...

With no reciprocity.

[Tim:] I live with her all the
time.

[John:] Yeah, well, not my
problem.

[Tim:] It's my problem, you're
right, I'm the one who...

Married her, she's my problem,
this is Tim's problem, whatever.

Point is, if I'm gonna loan you
200 bucks...

The next time that I call to get
me out...

You're just gonna give me any
shit, you're gonna say...

"Okay Tim", you're gonna call
back, so I can...

Get the fuck out of there.

Is it that hard?

[John:] Alright, alright, don't
be such a bitch.

Let's just get to the impound so
I can get my fucking car...

And get home. God!

Music plays

John's mother
okay, John, so I'm gonna...

Assume you died. It's much
easier to think that...

You're gone than to know you
don't love me enough to...

Reach out and say hello.

I'm gonna go pop a Xanax now,
you worthless blue fluffball.

Phone hangs up

answering machine beeps

Let's see, barstow city state
tax, lapdance tax...

Inconvenience fee, and called me
an asshole, that's...

50 bucks right there and, uh,
that's 200 bucks!

Good.

Oh! Did you whore yourself out
last night?

[John:] Yeah, kinda.
[Bull:] Yeah, which car is
yours?

Um, well, I'm the only car on
the lot there.

[Bull:] Oh. Yeah, right.
[John:] It's right there.

Let's see, the key... oh, here
it is!

Alright, there you go.

Calm guitar music plays

[Holly:] So why are you over
here now?

I took the bus.

Why the fuck would you
take the bus?

I saw it as an
opportunity to fuck with John.

Oh god.

Using my training gear.

I'm sorry your what?

My training gear, I'm
moonlighting now at the

pickled tuna. You know, extra
money, free boners.

[Holly starts laughing]
Oh, good so you can stop trying
to give me one then.

Probably won't. Do that. I'm
gonna just keep bothering you.

Oh my head is killing me. Do
you have anything I can take?

Ah, if you were a guy I would
offer you a blow job, but...

Not really.
[Holly:] How would that help my
head?

Release the stress.

Is that Lance and Holly? Fuck!
Fuck me, what the fuck?

Fuck.

Really not helping me with
that... once again.

Ah, that's kinda rude.

Honking can be heard.

So does he have a big dick?
[Holly:] Excuse me?

Lance. You know does he have a
big dick? A kielbasa.

A dripping yellow submarine!?

Why don't you go fuck yourself?
'Cause that's the only action
you're gonna get...

Oh, really? Unlike you hoochie-
mama Holly!

Excuse me? What's that supposed
to mean?

Oh, I think you know what I
mean. Giving free rides like

a Tijuana whore! Ack, ack, ack,
ack. Unh, unh, unh...

Lance is gay. You insecure fuck.

What?
[Holly:] Penis envy much?

You know what? Why don't you
grow some hair? Grow

some fucking balls. And next
time you're in the shower don't

forget to turn on the water
cause you stink...

He's gay.... but, aw...Fuck.

John vo: Damnit. She's always
right. I am going nowhere.

Just wasting away in a dead end
job, wasting my time, for what?

How can I find the time to chase
my dreams when it all goes...

Into surviving. Day to day. I
mean Holly might be an ass-

hole sometimes, but goddmanit,
I'm a dick and that's just the

way I like her. I may not
change my ways tomorrow or

the next day, I may not change
at all, but I can try to change.

And I'll keep trying because as
long as I have Holly,

I have a reason to try. I have a
reason to live. I mean, what

luck? I'm fucking lucky to have
Holly.

Holly!

Damn it, damn it John, what are
you doing in here?

I love you.
[Holly:] You know what,

we can't talk in here.
[John:] I just...

[Holly:] Let's go outside.

You know, I love you to. But
you've got to stop being such

an apatethic loser stuck in
mediocrity, okay?

I know.
[Holly:] You're better than
that.

I mean, all you do is work these
dead end jobs, it's like you're

waiting for a free hand out or
some dead relative that you

don't even have to die. You're
not going to win the lottery.

Okay John? You've got to be the
one to make the change.

I know. I just don't know how.
You know?

Don't know or haven't tried?
Do or do not, right?

Right. Do or do not. There is no
try, see I taught you that
remember?

Hnnnh, look I have to get back
in to work, but I'll walk you to

your car.
[John:] Alright.

I love you Holly.
[Holly:] I love you to John.

John vo:
That kiss - it was the same kiss
we kissed everytime we made up.

Her tongue wrapped around my
blue puppet uvula, kissing like

a horny fluffy teenager, oh
god...But was it going to change

anything? I mean was it gonna
work this time? We have broken

up more times than we've made
up. I...I don't think it's gonna

work this time. I mean, she's
just not happy with who I am.

Right? You heard it. I don't
know maybe I'm just not lucky

at this love stuff.
[Music starts playing]

♪ What luck! To have a bird shit
on you, I flew out my front ♪

♪ door, and stepped into dog
poo, my car broke down, ♪

♪ and got towed, it's just
another day in barstow! ♪

♪ I tried to make it to work,
and ended up getting fired. ♪

♪ I walked 17 miles! Now I'm so
fucking tired! ♪

♪ Why did this happen to me? I
just wish I could win the
lottery! ♪

♪ What luck! And what's
lucky? Not him, not her ♪

♪ not you, not me. What
luck? What's wrong? ♪

♪ Don't let life get to you,
John. What luck? ♪

♪ I will make you a star! I've
got a real scene to shoot, ♪

♪ in the back of my car, just
one scene with jizz! ♪

♪ But, hey it's showwwwbiz! You
tried to steal my girl and ♪

♪ that sucks...And plus I smell
like a skunk! ♪

♪ I got mine! Lance thinks
you're hot! ♪

♪ You're a bitch! You're a hack!
You're a twat! ♪

♪ I would eat you up, but you'd
like it! ♪

♪ And I don't want you gettin'
too excited! ♪

♪ But this song is about John
and Holly! ♪

♪ So joooooohn, profess your
folly! ♪

♪ I'm sorry... Holly I've been a
shmuck! ♪

♪ I'm a freakin' douche, with
stinking shitty luck! ♪

♪ I wish I was more secure...

♪ You're back, I'm blue, but I
won't get much bluer! ♪

♪ If you really love me, John,
you'll show me! ♪

♪ If you think you're getting
lucky, you can blow me! ♪

♪ You need to change and do
things my way! ♪

♪ Get a new job, new car and
shower each day! ♪

Wait a minute, you don't take me
for who I am!

Why should I take you for who
you are?

Why you're a selfish,
insensitive bitch...

That's what you are!

Why don't you go fuck someone
with hair on their head...

And money in their wallet?

So they can spend it on you? For
stuff!

And stuff and more fucking
stuff!

I have enough fucked up things
that happen to me...

On a daily basis!

I don't need your shit on top of
all my shit!

I don't need your condescending
lectures about how much...

Of a loser I am when I already
know it!

Fuck off, Holly! I'm through!

♪ What luck! And what's lucky?
Not him, not her, not you, not
me ♪

♪ what luck, what's wrong? Don't
let life get to you! ♪

♪ John!

♪ What luck! John isn't!

♪ Things change, just not this
minute! ♪

♪ When you have a bad day, just
remember: What luck? ♪

♪ What luuuuuck!

♪ Things will always be more
fucked! ♪

Music swells

music fades

funky music

John vo:
Seems so mundane, doesn't it?

Life. Just repeating itself, day
in, day out...

Day after motherfucking day.

Until you die.

Everyone is a slave to the
dollar.

No chance for escape. No way
out.

It's like prison!

I just wish I had a rich
relative or...

I could win the lotto or
something.

Then, life would be simple. Life
would be great.

Life would be fucking awesome.

Music plays

[radio host:] Now the real news:
Finally apprehended...

After 11 muggings. Spider-guy
will not be bothering...

Barstow any longer! But, there's
more...

We got the pickled tuna has been
shut down...

By the health inspector when
told they could not serve...

Liquor where there was exposed
pubic hair...

The owners replied: "Oh, we did
not get that memo".

But now the real news! The
lottery!

That's what everybody's talking
about!

The winning numbers for this
week's $17 million prize...

Right here on bat country radio!

Get those lottery tickets ready,
folks!

Here comes the numbers!

12, 18, 26, 35, 43, 51! Damn,
that's a good woman right there!

And the mega number is 8! Mmmm!
Yeah!

Looks like 11 lucky people will
be splitting this week's...

Lottery jackpot. Still, no has
has stepped up to claim...

Last week's $23 million lottery
ticket...

I don't know what you're doing,
but speculation persists...

That someone threw the ticket in
the trash!

Just like the $600 million that
goes unclaimed every year!

Can you believe it?

Mmm, all I need is a couple
million and I'm a happy man.

Am I right?

John vo:
So that's it. Kind of.

I mean, I'm looking for work
still...

Holly and I are gonna try
counseling...

But you know, life is full of
ups and downs... ya know?

Sometimes ups outnumber the
downs...

And... I mean, what the fuck are
you gonna do? Right?

If it were easy, it wouldn't be
called life.

I read that on a meme
somewhere...

Not quite sure what it means.

Did I ever realize that the
answer was right in front of me?

All my problems could have
been solved in an instant?

With that old lottery ticket?

Well... now that's another
story...

Music plays

[John:] Alright, well, have
yourself a nice day.

[Bull:] You too. Good luck with
the females.

[John:] Yeah, I do have trouble
with the ladies...

I could use a little luck...
[Bull:] Yeah...

Well, it ain't easy.
[John:] Boy, you got that right!

[Bull:] Yeah.
[John:] Ladies, huh?

[Bull:] Oh yeah. Can't live with
'em, can't eat 'em!

[John:] Yeah, well...

[Bull:] Well you can sorta eat
them. But, ya know...

It's kind of a... different kind
of thing...

[John:] It's a different thing!
[Bull:] Yeah...

[John:] Well, are you married?
[Bull:] Yeah, I got about...

14 calves right now.

[John:] 14 calves, wow!

[Bull:] I like 'em young!
[John:] Yeah... so...

So is that like a... are you
mormon?

Yeah, how'd you know?

[John:] Well, you have all those
wives...

[Bull:] Yeah...

[John:] Isn't that a mormon
thing?

[Bull:] Lemme just say this:
Polygamy's where it's at, buddy.

[John:] Yeah...
[Bull:] Yeah...

[John:] I thought about doing a
polygamy thing but...

It's just, my mom's really...
She wouldn't like it.

[Bull:] No... yeah...

[John:] And she kinda helps me.

Ya know, when I need it.

[Bull:] Yeah, yeah...
[John:] So...

[Bull:] Hey look, I really got a
lot of stuff to do...

So why don't ya scram?

[John:] Alright, well...
[Bull:] Good talking to you.

[John:] Maybe we could go out
for a drink sometime, huh?

[Bull:] Yeah, yeah! Maybe, yeah!

[John:] Yeah, okay...
[Bull:] Alright.

[John:] Well, what're you doing
later?

Uh, I'm pretty busy tonight.
Lemme check my calendar...

Yeah, pretty busy, pretty booked
up for the next, uh...

[John:] What about Thursday?
How's Thursday?

[Bull:] Thursday's booked.
[John:] Oh...

Music plays

Spider-guy
deadly serious.