West Hollywood Motel (2013) - full transcript

[old film projector]

[music]

Please hang up and try your
call again.

What time do we have to be
there?

Um, I think at three.

[honks] Motherfucker!

[narrator] Okay, let's begin
with Marty and Alex.

Or you know what, actually,

you should first probably meet
Isabelle

and her husband, Ray.

Then of course there's Miguel,



who was in room 206 for some
time.

And of course Natasha and Carol
over in 241.

Okay, you know what? Just fuck
it.

I'm gonna toggle back and forth.

The order does not matter.

Each of these tales is as
meaningless as the next.

The point I'm trying to
illustrate, if I may...

...is that as we journey
through life,

so much of it is tinged by what
Jean Paul Satre

so fondly refers to
as"nothingness."

I gotta go pee.

There are much cuter places in
the area, Ray.

I looked it up.

I was expecting something
cuter.



You know, all the gays live in
this part of town.

I think I have a UTI or a yeast
infection or something.

I mean, I'm having a problem
every time I get the urge.

I just have this funny little
tingly feeling down there.

Oh come all ye faithful, joyful
and triumphant,

oh come ye, oh come...

[fart echoes]

[begins to pee]

Oh look, I can see myself in
the mirror

while I go to the toilet.

[narrator] Isabelle and Ray

have been married for two years
at this point.

They met after Ray bought what
Isabelle now refers to as

his "piece of shit car" and he
wound up

frequenting his father's
mechanic shop.

Thus, in a meeting of blind
chance -

Which Isabelle romanticized as
fate -

They begin dating and soon
after married.

[toilet flushes]

Now, they've come to West
Hollywood

to visit Isabelle's cousin,
Margaret,

and her new "big-wig, producer
boyfriend."

Isabelle is hell-bent on making
a good impression.

Ray, who's financed this little
adventure, couldn't care less.

Okay, now let's go back and
take a closer look at Miguel.

He's recently come to Hollywood
from Venezuela,

and like most has a pocket full
of dreams.

Except, that is all that he has
in his pockets.

Hopefully I'm going to pay the
deposit after the weekend.

Meanwhile, I need to stay a few
nights longer in this room.

[narrator] He's been making
money any way he can,

All the while, desperately
trying to keep a roof

over his head.

But I got a gig tomorrow.

It should help me out a little
bit.

[narrator] And while growing
more and more lonesome,

wishes only for a true
companion.

[cell phone rings] Speaking of
companions, let's take a look
back

at Marty and Alex.

You hungry?

So hungry.

Let's go get dinner.

Cool.

I'm gonna grab a shower really
quick.

All right. Um, I'll...

I'll go down to that liquor
store

and get us something to drink.

Champagne or whatever.

[cell phone rings again]

Perfect.

[instant message sounds]

Are you ready?

Yeah, just give me a minute.

I have to download this song,

and then I gotta make it my
ringtone,

and then I gotta take a shower.

You still have to shower?

Sorry. The password and
username thing didn't work,

so I had to call downstairs,
and it took forever.

All right, well, I'll pour us a
couple glasses...

Babe, we don't have time for
that.

Well, then would you hurry,
please?

You know, I thought you'd be
ready.

I am hurrying.

[shower running]

[muffled] I have a lot of
anxiety...

[narrator] While Alex showers,

Marty begins to hear a voice

from the adjoining room.

[muffled] I had a really awful,
awful childhood.

I've never told you this
before, but I was fat.

I was huge, okay, I... Like, I
had rolls.

[chuckles] I know.

The thing is,

I have actually been on diet
pills

since the ninth grade.

Anyway, I was fat, my parents
separated,

and I was very shy...

Well, more or less I avoided
speaking whenever possible...

But, you know...

I was bullied. I was bullied
for being gay by my brother.

No, he was also gay.

[chuckles] I know, it's
improbable,

but it's not impossible.

Hey babe, we might be meeting
up with some people after
dinner.

Okay...

Is this something you've
already planned?

Or...

Well, no it's still up in the
air. But probably, yeah.

I've got friends out here, babe.

I'd like to see them.

It's not exactly what I had in
mind for tonight, babe.

I thought we'd...

...go to dinner, have some wine,

I could look into your eyes.

And we can do that, but after
we go out.

We've been invited.

We've been traveling all day,
Alex.

I thought we'd just come back
and snuggle up and watch a
movie.

You're such a lesbian.

A lesbian?

Yes, you never want to go out

and you're always in bed by
nine.

Me? You're the one that sits
there for hours

watching things eat each other
on Discovery Channel.

That's educational.

Oh.

I mean, Christ, could you live
a little?

We're on vacation.

All we ever do is watch movies.

Well, I happen to like movies.

I start feeling claustrophobic.

I don't like to sit in bed and
stare at something

like I'm a zombie. Life's not a
spectator sport.

Well, you know, when I'm not
slaving away at the hospital,

I prefer to stay in and relax.

I don't understand why you
can't go out and relax.

Where do people go out and...

Like here, where would people
go out and relax?

Akbar. It's in Silverlake.

Okay...

You know that Thomas thinks
that you're an agoraphobic?

Exactly - because agoraphobics

often choose to work with
cancer patients.

You know what I think?

I think Thomas wants to get
into your pants.

Oh, God, Martin.

Could you not be gross?

Do you deny?

You know, he stares at you. He
mentally undresses you.

He does not. That's his normal
look.

That is not his normal look.

If he looked at me like that,

I'd expect a sext message not
long after.

You don't trust me. That's what
it all boils down to.

What does that have to do with
anything?

Because you don't have faith in
anything.

You don't have faith in me, in
us, in other people...

I'm surprised you're not an
atheist.

Well, my skepticism keeps me
from being an atheist.

Look, I'm not gonna have
another one of these

drawn out conversations with
you.

I refuse to stay in on our
first night here.

It's absolutely ridiculous.

Are you gonna come or not?

No.

All right, well, don't wait up
then.

[door opens and shuts]

This isn't working.

What?

It's not working.

What do you mean?

I don't feel anything.

Well, maybe you need a tune-up.

Carol, I'm being serious.

I am not turned on at all.

Really?

No - uh, yeah.

I don't know what's wrong.

I'm sorry, I just...

completely took the mood away.

It's okay.

I'm just gonna...

I'll be right back.

[narrator] Okay, you see,

Natasha and Carol have found
themselves

in a bit of a rough patch.

Natasha's been somewhat distant.

A little, you know, closed
off...

...leaving Carol, her ever
dutiful lover,

confused and frustrated.

[toilet flushes]

Carol?

Hmm?

Do you think I'm getting fat?

No! I think you look amazing.

Yeah?

You still think so?

Yes. You know I wanted you the
first time we met.

What did you think?

Of you?

Yeah.

When we first met?

Yeah, what was your first
impression?

You know.

I've told you.

Well, tell me again.

What was yours?

Of you?

Yeah.

I thought you were a bore.

Yeah?

[laughs]

What about before that?

When you first saw me?

I thought your uniform fit
well.

And?

[laughs]

I thought... you were a klutz.

You spilled that drink on the
guy seated in front of me,
so...

Well, I had noticed your
cleavage.

But then... I thought you were
pretty.

With, or without cleavage.

I thought you had a nice smile.

What else?

I thought you were cute.

What else?

I thought it would be nice to
kiss you.

[alarm rings]

Shit, I've got to go.

You're setting timers now?

Well, I told Jake that I was
going to the movies, so...

...if I'm gone longer than
three hours,

he'll begin to worry.

Or, at the very least, wonder
where I am.

He's gonna find out sooner or
later.

Why don't you just tell him?

We've been deeply in love for
two years now...

what else do you need?

Okay, okay...

Okay, you're right.

But... I mean,

do you think this is easy for
me?

I just want what's best for
everybody.

Which is what exactly?

Well... I'm trying to make it
as an actress,

you know that, and...

Jake's my husband, he's
supporting me...

And I'm supporting you.

Yeah. Putting me up in this
motel, keeping my from
flying...

What do you want?

I want what you told me you
wanted...

to be together.

Otherwise,

I... I might as well kill
myself.

Please. don't be so middle
class.

Look, I'll try to get away...
tomorrow.

I'll tell him I have an
audition.

All right.

That doesn't sound very all
right.

[kiss]

I'll see you later.

I'm gonna leave some money on
the table for you...

Have you seen my ring?

Its over there.

All right!

Okay!

[narrator] After a
pseudo-authentic Mexican dinner,

Isabelle and Ray prepare for
bed.

Is there a 'Do Not Disturb'
sign?

It's on the latch.

What?

The deadbolt.

Turn it to the right.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, look.

If you turn it the other way,
it says 'Maid Requested.'

We should dirty up the sheets...

Uh-huh. Ray!

Do not walk barefoot on that
rug.

God knows what's on it.

I packed an extra pair of
slippers for you in the bag.

Which bag?

That red piece of shit bag.

[brushing]

I think I'm gonna light the
Bettie Page incense.

C'mon, come here. Smell this.

Bettie smells spicy.

Very nice.

Hendrix smells like an Indian
food restaurant.

Where's my head?

What?

My wig head.

[narrator] Okay, yeah, you know
what?

I'm a shitty narrator.

I should have mentioned this
earlier.

Isabelle had cancer.

She went through chemo, the
whole shebang.

Everything's fine, it's all
good...

But now that her hair's grown
back...

She's still wearing those wigs.

Ray doesn't understand it, but
he tolerates it.

Most of all, he's glad that
she's back normal...

Except for the aforementioned
issue

she's been having every time
she sits down to pee...

It's actually been ongoing
since the radiation...

Ray!

What!

[narrator] However...

What is it?

[narrator] Isabelle hasn't
really admitted to it until now.

What... is that?

Oh!

That's a...

A penis!

A penis!

Yes, uh-huh!

Where did it come from?

Why is it on me?

I don't know!

Oh, God!

Do you think it was something I
ate?

This just isn't possible!

I told you I shouldn't eat
spicy food, Ray!

[door closes]

Hey, hey...

This is my room!

No, this is my room...

I just checked in!

That's a mistake, I have not
checked out!

But, but they took my deposit,

and they gave me a key!

But I have not checked out!

You see, um, okay...

I just used the last bit of my
cash for this place.

But I have not checked out.

Can they give you another room?

There are no more vacancies.

And I'm pretty sure if they
gave me a key

and took my deposit, you're
already

supposed to be checked out,
buddy.

Look, okay, I'm sorry.

I don't have the energy to
fight right now.

Do you think...

Could I please just use your
phone for a minute?

My phone died and the airport
lost my bag

and my charger's in my bag and
right now

I just need to contact
somebody...

They'll find it.

That's what they are good at.

That's... nice of you to say.

But, you know, I wasn't
expecting to check a bag

and they made me check a bag
unexpectedly

and I have a lot of things in
that bag that I need.

You know, I have a job
interview on Monday and...

Yeah, no problem.

Use the phone.

Thank you, thank you, thank you
so much...

It will just be a minute and
I'll be out of your way

and I can just ask for my
deposit, right?

[dial tone]

I'm Victor, by the way.

[dialling]

Okay, so what does that mean
that it's not in lost luggage?

That it's just, that it's just
lost?

Yes, I've tried calling back,

and I'm calling back right now.

I even spent an hour in...

Okay, uh, all right.

I'll just call back then.

Thank you.

[hangs up]

Fuck!

A beer?

Oh, no. No, I shouldn't drink.

Actually...

I thought you said you didn't
drink.

I said I shouldn't drink.

[narrator] I'm fairly certain
you can guess what happens next.

I don't think I have to lay it
out for you.

Well, the heart wants what it
wants...

There's no logic to it.

You meet someone, fall in love,
and that's that.

Yeah, but you're not in love.

You're miserable, and not in a
good way.

I mean, I'm sure the sex is
great, right?

But a healthy, equal
relationship this is not.

I guess it would appear that
I'm doing all the heavy
lifting.

Marty, what you need from a man
is your intellectual equal.

Not some freshman who paid the
equivalent of a mortgage

to see Madonna in concert.

Look, thanks for the talk.

I just... I think I'm gonna get
into bed,

turn on a movie, and take an
extra Seconal.

Did you get any premium
channels with the room?

Uh... HBO, I think.

I dunno. I think I'm just gonna
stream something offline.

In that case, I have a
recommendation for you.

It's a romantic comedy, but...

But you have to go into it
blind and with a detached
attitude.

[music]

I dunno. I'm not into group
activities.

I was an only child.

So, who was it?

Someone he met at work.
Co-worker?

Patient. Some twink.

Urologist?

Plastic surgeon.

I guess he was proud of his
work.

Men are fucking assholes...

[narrator] Marty can't help but
be attracted to Trevor,

the handsome lead,

and wish that he own boyfriend
were more of a romantic.

[music]

You need to call the front desk
and talk to the manager.

Why?

Why!

Because I spent a night in
their motel room

and I woke up with a penis!

That's why!

There must be something in the
water,

or in those nasty sheets!

Isabelle, they're not going to
refund my money

because you now somehow have a
penis!

You know, to them, you're just
another chick with a dick!

[gasps]

You do realize how often they
probably see that around here...

I need to find my Trazodone.

Why... is it up?

That usually happens in the
morning.

Well, how do I make it go down?

I don't...

Just think about puppies.

I think it's bigger than yours.

That's great!

It's got a mushroom head.

Like a shiitake.

Well?

Nothing.

Nothing still?

Not a thing.

Well...

we have been kinda going
through the motions lately.

You're always so pressed for
time.

I don't think that's it.

I mean, I usually work very
well under pressure,

you know that.

Natasha, I wish we could just
go away on a trip.

You're always so much more
relaxed on trips.

Well, we can't.

Then I guess we better liven
you up down there.

Thoughts on how to do that?

I've got some Cholula sauce in
the fridge.

Carol!

Okay, I'm thinking...

Sit on my face.

What?

Sit on my face. It's not like
you haven't done it before.

Well... yeah, but you...

That just happened!

You telling me to do it is... I
dunno, it's different.

Natasha!

Sit. On. My. Face.

[music]

[television]

You know, this is a really
unusual circumstance and, um...

I just hope that...

We can just forget what
happened last night,

it just never happened...

Right?

[television channel changes]

Um... Hey. Excuse me?

Hello?

Hi.

You have a boyfriend?

No!

[chuckles]

No, I don't have a boyfriend.

So, why do you feel so guilty?

I don't...

I don't feel guilty.

I just... Uh, I dunno... I
just...

I've just never slept with a
stranger before.

Never?

No.

Not even one night stands?

Nope.

So, um...

So, we can just forget what
happened last night?

Just never happened.

Right?

Yeah, no problem.

[television channel changes]

No problem...

Really?

Yeah, it's okay.

Whatever you want.

Okay, just...

[snaps fingers] like that?

Forget about it?

And move on?

Am I supposed to be crushed?

Oh, no, no, no.

That's fine.

No, no- Thank you.

Ow! Oh, God! Ow, ow, ow...

I slipped!

I am so sorry...

And kneed me in the eye!

Is it all right? -I don't know!

I'll be able to tell you once I
can open it again, God...

[alarm ringing]

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. I gotta go, Carol!

What?

I gotta go!

I told Jake that I had an
audition. He's gonna get
suspicious.

How much longer is it gonna be
like this?

What? Your eye or my pussy?

This!

You, me, this!

How much longer is it going to
be like this?

Like what?

When are you gonna tell him?

I'll...

I'll... you know, I'll tell
him...

when the time is right.

I'm at the lowest point of my
life, Natasha!

I've given up things for you!

I've given up my career,

I live in this freaking motel!

What are you looking for?

My, um... My, my...

Your ring?

Yes!

It's right here!

Okay! Um, you know what, here...

You know, I'll... I'll...

I'll come back later, if...

if I can.

I'll come back later.

You will.

What?

You will come back later.

Will I?

I know where you live...

and I have your landline in my
cell.

How long have you had these
threats in your back pocket?

These... these threats!

You've been my entire life for
two years, Natasha.

I am completely and utterly
devoted to you,

and I'm not going to be tossed
aside.

And I'm not gonna let you go
without a fight.

Oh, nobody is talking about
giving anybody up.

You're so dramatic, Carol.

I mean, of the two of us, you...

you should've been the actress.

You undoubtedly have more
feelings.

[door opens]

[door closes]

[traffic, construction]

[door opens]

Hi.

Are you better today?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Good.

Did you have fun?

I did actually.

My back has been acting up
again though.

Probably didn't help that I
slept on Kevin's couch.

The couch?

That's where you slept?

Yes, babe.

Well, you know, if you slept in
the bed,

you could just tell me.

God, Martin, please.

I could use one of your special
rubdowns...

My feet are killing me to.

I should not have worn those
shoes.

So, is that your way of saying
you're too sore

to leave the motel today?

No, but one of your massages
would help.

Are you saying that you're
actually up for leaving the
motel today?

I was up for leaving the motel
last night, Alex.

Could've fooled me.

I just wasn't up for company.

Right, because you have a
problem with live humans.

Did you drink the champagne?

No, I did not.

Um, I did, uh...

I found a joint in the medicine
cabinet though.

You didn't smoke it, did you?

No, why?

Would you like to?

No, God!

It's probably laced with
something bad.

Are you hungry?

A little, yeah.

There's supposed to be a
continental breakfast down in
the office.

God, no...

It's probably Cork Flakes...
stale toast.

No.

I could go down there and check
out the situation.

Wouldn't you rather just go to
Starbucks

and get a venti and a cranberry
bliss bar?

Sure, why not.

Cool. I'm gonna grab a shower
really quick,

and then we can go.

[shower water]

Care to join?

[shower water]

Thank you for calling.

All of our representatives are
engaged with other calls at the
moment.

Please hold.

[television]

[music]

Margaret!

Hi, it's Isabelle.

Hi, Isabelle... What time are
you coming over?

I don't think that, um, we can
come over today...

Um...

What?

Well, it's just, um...

I'm not feeling like myself.

I don't know what it is...

Maybe it's the Swine flu or
jetlag or, um...

Swine flu?

Something like that.

It's just, um...

What the fuck are you talking
about?

This is a huge disappointment,
Is.

I know, I...

You don't want to see my new
house?

Is that it?

Of course I really want to see
your new house,

and um, and meet your producer
boyfriend,

but um... Look, trust me, it's
not a good idea.

Not today. I could be
contagious.

Contagious?

Maybe we should reschedule for
the next time we're in town.

Fine...

Okay?

Is Ray putting you up to this?

Yeah.

All right.

All right.

Well, tell Ray I said hello.

I'll tell him.

[door closes]

I love you.

I love you, too.

Bye. Bye. Where the hell did he
go?

[traffic]

Romantic possibilities seem
most favourable at this time

for those of your sign.

But beware of complications.

Think with your wits, more than
your heart.

Thank you.

Oh.

Are you still here?

Ray!

Where the hell are you?

[music]

[television]

We're never going to find
anything to watch.

There's too much to choose from.

Ha.

I'm being sarcastic.

But this is nice, right?

Just... sitting here, talking?

I guess so.

It's so pretty out, Carol.

And I'm in a position to enjoy
it?

We could at least lie by the
pool.

You could get a tan.

I don't tan.

I contract malignant melanoma.

This room is a petri dish for
allergies...

Oh!

How about California Suite?

Seems appropriate.

Jane Fonda's in it.

Jane Fonda?

Remember that song?

Hampton.

So, what happened with that guy?

Oh, nothing.

Our clothes came off and we
spooned a little.

That's it?

He was wearing a diaper!

What!

He was...

Did he have a changing table
too?

[laughs]

I don't know.

I was just really trying not to
be judgmental.

You know, it takes all kinds,
and...

people are into different
things.

Right.

I'll be back.

Where are you going?

I need a cigarette.

[door opens anb closes]

What was I saying?

Takes all kinds, people into
different things...

But, I mean, given the
situation...

you would say he's the freak,
right?

Oh, no...

Once he found out that I had
done porn,

he was the one calling it off.

You're joking...

I wish I was.

What a jerk.

No... I'm a failure.

Scott...

You bring pleasure to many,
many, many people.

That is not such a bad thing.

Carol, a man who wears Pampers

and soils himself won't even
date me.

Yeah, well, try dating a
married woman...

for, like, two years...

I still win. -I know.

[channel changes]

You know, I used to watch her
sleep...

When we'd go on trips,

I would watch her fall asleep
because that was the only time

that we could fall asleep next
to each other...

So I'd just watch...

Except for that one time she
woke up,

saw me, and screamed.

[chuckles]

That wasn't good.

[television]

[channel changes]

You know, I have a friend
coming over now...

So... so, what does that mean?

Does that mean I have to go?

Yeah, you should probably go...

...unless you wanna make some
extra bucks.

Some extra bucks?

How?

[porn sex sounds]

Oh!

Hi, Ray!

Isabelle?

I was just cleaning.

Cleaning?

Yeah...

What the hell is this?

Are you kidding me?

What?

You were seriously watching
that!

You were getting off!

Oh, don't be ridiculous...

I can see plain as day!

You're aroused!

Well, I've never had one of
these before!

I gotta figure out how it
works!

What you need to figure out is
how to get rid of it!

Get rid of it?

Well, why don't you go out
there,

and grab a meat clever, and
chop it off!

Turn your wife into a Munich!

First of all, it's eunuch.

Secondly, shut the fuck up!

These walls are thin.

Are you embarrassed by my
penis?

I just liked what you had... a
lot!

Well, then order me a
vaginoplasty

or shove my fat ass into a time
machine,

because this is what I have
now!

[porn sex sounds]

It could change back...

Improbable, I know, but...

the fact that this happened is

pretty fucking improbable,
so...

A watched pot never boils.

What?

Me sitting around here all
weekend,

staring at it-

it's not going to change a
thing.

Boiling pots have very little
to do

with subatomic particle
movement.

I don't care!

You need to take me to dinner!

We need to go out...

go dancing or something.

We gotta forget all about this
penis...

thing-y.

Isabelle, I don't think

I have much of an appetite
right now.

We gotta eat.

Are you gonna...

I used this hand.

Are you gonna leave me?

Because I don't have a vagina
no more?

Because that's what it seems
like!

It's seems like you're gonna
leave me!

I mean, you just up and left a
little bit ago...

Isabelle, I just had to go
clear my head.

What if it doesn't change back?

Stop it.

[music]

[traffic]

[phone rings]

Hey, babe?

We have another invite for
tonight.

Are you joking?

What?

You're kidding right, Alex?

I mean, we came here to spend
time together.

We've been spending time
together.

Yeah, well, I don't understand

what all the urgency is...

I'm assuming that was Kevin.

There is no urgency.

He's my friend.

Well, like I said,

we came here to spend time
together...

as a couple.

And we are a couple

and we're still gonna be a
couple

when we go out with Kevin and
his friends.

It's not very romantic.

Well, I guess if there's
anything worse

than a hopeless romantic, it's
a hopeful one.

What is romantic to you, Marty?

You want to go out to dinner,

and then we're gonna take this
long walk,

we're gonna end up back at the
motel watching another movie.

I mean, it's the same,
redundant thing

over and over again.

Honestly, I'm sick of it.

We're on vacation, we should
try something

a little bit different.

You're just sick of me.

Oh, my God...

Well, you just won't admit
it...

Martin, please do not start...

So... if I decide to stay here
and opt out...

you're just gonna go and leave
me here alone

in the motel room again?

You're so fucking theatrical.

Do you realize that you always
play the victim?

It's always about what you
want.

No - actually, Alex - it's
always about what you want.

And... you typically get what
you want.

So, just go.

Go out. Go...

You're so complicated.

You make it so hard to be your
boyfriend sometimes,

honestly...

[door opens and closes]

Say, say, oh playmate,

Come out and play with me.

And bring your dollies three.

Climb up my apple tree.

Slide down my rainbow Into my
cellar door.

And we'll be jolly friends
Forevermore

Cut!

[from phone] Say, say, oh
playmate,

Come out and play with me.

And bring your dollies three.

Climb up my apple tree.

Whew!

Sure beats looking at a bunch
of vaginas

that look like the inside of a
hot pocket!

[laughs]

[music]

Thank you for calling...

All our representatives are
engaged

with other calls at the moment.

Please hold.

Any luck with your bag?

No... they've got me on hold
again.

[narrator] Miguel once again
has Victor all to himself.

The question is: will he be as
lucky tonight?

If I go to pick us up some
dinner,

are you gonna lock me out of my
room?

[chuckles]

No...

All of our representatives are
engaged

with other calls at the moment.

[music]

[television] I'm not into group
activities.

I was an only child.

So, who was it?

Someone he met at work.

Co-worker?

Patient.

Some twink.

Urologist?

Plastic surgeon.

I guess he was proud of his
work.

My God, you must really love
this movie.

I've seen you here twice now.

Trevor, what are you doing?

[water]

[music]

Trevor just came out of the
movie, Dawn!

Listen to me...

It's physics.

It's metaphysics...

people just don't appear.

There's no good explanation.

And you're a sweet guy...

you deserve a human.

My father always wanted a boy...

Oh, God.

Don't...

Isabelle, don't...

Please don't rationalize this.

Aren't you always saying that
things

are meant to be?

That things happen for a reason?

Like if you hadn't bought that
piece of shit car

and came into my father's shop,

we would have never met...

That was meant to be.

Yes, it's a nice thought,

but... Ultimately it's luck.

No, Ray... it is fate.

Yes, and fate is luck.

What?

It's all blind chance.

We're lucky...

that's all.

So, you're telling me...

that this giant cock and
low-hanging set of balls...

that's just luck, Ray?

Trevor!

Get back here!

We're in the middle of a story -

we don't have time for this!

No, go on without me.

How am I supposed to go on
without you?

I'm a dramatic character,

I need... forward motion!

There is no story now...

Improvise, Juan.

Aren't you tired of doing the
same thing

every couple of hours?

I mean, I'm tired of hearing
your sad story.

You play the victim so well.

Excuse me?

Okay... I've been on hold for
the last 24 hours

and you still can't find my bag?

Is it really that difficult?

Uh-huh?

Yes, it's a black bag.

Yes... Okay, well,

why can't it be found?

Why is it really that difficult
to just...

Okay...

Okay.

Yes, yes...

Sounds...

okay...

Tomorrow? Okay!

Okay, I'll... I'll call again.

[music]

What are these cups for?

Do you... have anything to
drink?

Oh, well, there's, um...

There's some champagne in the
fridge.

Champagne? Is it New Years?

Uh... yeah, almost.

Do you, uh, have anything to
eat?

Are you hungry?

I'm actually starved.

Me and Juan usually have dinner.

That's when I usually eat.

Oh.

Um... Well, I, uh...

I have a breakfast bar in my
carry-on...

Uh... Actually, we could...

We could order something in, if
you want.

Do you like Chinese?

I love it.

Yeah, I've... I've seen you...

eat it a few times.

[knocks at door]

[door opens]

Finally!

What, am I late?

Not if we're going by the
current local time in Hawaii.

Well, I only have a few minutes.

Have you been putting ice on
that?

A few minutes?

Yeah, look... Jake's acting
awfully suspicious.

Talk to him! Have an open
exchange...

that's how you work things out.

And I'm going to do that...

But, until I do that...

I was thinking... that maybe we
should,

you know... cool it.

Natasha... The last time you
said that,

I didn't see you for two
months!

That is not true...

Yes, it is! Because texting me

that you're down the street

in line at Starbucks with your
husband

doesn't exactly count!

You saw me.

You're driving me crazy!

I'm sorry, okay? We only have a
few minutes,

let's make the best of it.

Why only a few minutes?

Because I told Jake I was going
to make dinner,

and I had to go grab a few
things.

You make dinner?

Yeah, sometimes.

I didn't even know you could
cook!

I'm not like a culinary genius
or something!

What do you cook him?

What do you make for him?

Nothing special...

Well, what are you making
tonight?

Sea bass.

Oh, my God...

It's over baked, Carol!

It's simple!

Don't take it so personally...

Natasha!

[door knocks]

Natasha, I know you're in there!

Hide. Hide!

Where?

Just go to the bathroom...

Go, go, go!

Go to the bathroom and lock the
door!

Natasha, open up!

Stop yelling!

Where is she?

Who?

I told that little dyke

if I caught her messing around
with you again,

I was gonna show her what's
what!

I don't know what you're
talking about...

Don't bullshit me, Natasha!

She's not here, okay? I swear
it.

Who are you?

See! I told you she wasn't
here.

Is this another one?

Another one what?... No!

No, no... Um... Carol...

Carol, this is, um...

Uh...

Carol, do you mind if I tell
him?

Be my guest.

Carol is a friend of mine,

Jake... and she is running away

from her abusive ex- boyfriend,

and I'm just here to help her.

Is this true?

Look at her face, Jake!

He... He beat her and he raped
her!

He raped her over and over
again!

I didn't even resist... See!

I had no one else to turn to.

I'm sorry, I... I...

Ssshh!

Are you okay, honey?

Do you need anything else
before I go?

I'll just... um...

I'll go wait in the car.

Yeah, you do that!

You know, I'm gonna leave you
some money,

and if you need anything...

you know, you just...

It was nice to meet you, Carol.

[door closes]

Oh, God that was close.

Are you fucking someone else?

What? No!

You swear?

Get that thing out of my face.

I'll text you later.

I hope he enjoys the sea bass!

Would you stop? Ow!

[door slams shut]

[music]

Stop pacing!

Ray...

what if there's a higher power
at work here?

Isabelle, that's enough!

What if this means that I am
meant for greater things?

Like what?

A career in special interest
porn?

How many women just up and grow
penises?

You never hear about that...

especially not here in America!

That's right! Because it's not
medically possible!

So you admit it!

You agree... this is a miracle!

What are you getting at?

Just what are you saying?

I'm saying that we have a
real...

That God bestowed upon you

the male reproductive organ for
some great purpose?

I'm saying...

if you let me fucking talk...

that this is something special
here!

We have something that very few
people get...

One word... Opportunity.

Oh, no...

I could be on the cover of Time
Magazine.

No!

Or of People.

Maybe the Enquirer.

[music]

You know, I...

I don't understand, you know...

I still don't understand why
you're here.

I'm in love with you.

That's... that's ridiculous,
Trevor.

That's movie talk.

It's true, don't you share my
feelings?

No. I mean, how could I?

Trevor, you're some kind of
apparition.

Besides, I have a boyfriend.

Jeez... I mean, I'm crushed.

I'm sorry.

Well, where is he?

Where is this boyfriend?

Uh...

He's out.

We... we needed some time
apart.

We... took a fucking vacation

to spend some time apart.

So things must be hard?

Things have been hard for
everyone...

You know, living in a world
with no jobs and wars...

You probably haven't even heard
of the War on Terror.

Naw, I missed it.

Yeah... I mean, here people...

People get old, people get sick,

and they never find true love.

Where I'm from, people are
reliable...

things are consistent.

Well, you don't find much of
that here.

Does your boyfriend make you
happy?

Yeah... yeah, I guess he does
sometimes.

He can be pretty sweet.

But, uh... I guess I'm not a
walk in the park myself.

He's right...

I can be pretty complicated.

[music]

What are you reading?

Oh, I'm not reading it.

I mean, it's pretty customary.

It comes with every motel room.

What is it about?

About? It's about everything...

It... It explains how we got
here.

It gives life meaning.

Meaning?

Uh, yeah...

Imagine a movie without a
purpose or a happy ending.

That's what life is like
without that book.

I would think unconditional
love would give life meaning.

Yeah, I mean, it's a pretty
good illusion.

But, you know, even Shakespeare
said,

"Life is full of sound and fury,

and in the end, signifies
nothing."

I don't know about this
Shakespeare guy,

but isn't life too short

to be worrying about all of
that?

Yeah... Yeah, I guess it is.

I'm starting to feel pretty
awful

about the way I did Juan.

I guess... I don't know,

I just had this urge to branch
out and try new things.

Well, I mean, that's...

that's the human condition,
Trevor.

I can't imagine Alex being the
entire story for me.

I had many experiences before
Alex, and...

I guess the harsh reality is
that

I'll have many experiences
after Alex...

But you...

Juan is all you've ever known,

and ultimately when you go back,

is all you'll ever know.

I don't ever want to go back
though.

Well, you'll have to.

Trevor, take it from me...

this place is not all it's
cracked up to be.

It's pretty grim out there.

I guess you're right.

But, you know... while you're
here...

There's no reason why we...

Why we can't try and fix you up
with somebody...

for the night, at least...

How would we do that?

Thanks to technology...

and I'll have to figure it out,

because I've never used it...

but there's this thing called
Grindr.

How does it work?

Well, it's a homing device for
gay guys.

It shows you were all the gay
guys are in the area...

and, believe me,

in this part of town there are
a lot.

And they're all on there
looking for the same thing...

We'll get you set up on there.

But we're gonna have to take a
few photos first.

[bed squeaks]

[Victor moans]

Ow! Wait, wait, wait...

Okay, I'm good.

[Victor moans]

You're so handsome.

I love your eyes.

They're so shiny.

[music]

I'm horny.

Great.

I didn't get a chance to finish
earlier.

You came in before I came.

So sorry to have interrupted.

You wanna have a go at it?

Do I wanna have a go at it?

Yeah. -No.

No? -No!

Why not?

Because, I'm sorry,

I'm not one of those guys...

I didn't even experiment in
college.

You never thought about another
man's genitalias?

No!

[music]

If you have any repressed
desires...

now would be the time to,

you know, act on it.

[bed squeaks]

[Miguel and Victor moan]

And you'd be having sex with
your wife,

so it wouldn't be a sin in
God's eyes.

Okay.

Okay, well, what do you want me
to do

Suck it? Ride it?

You don't have to be gross, Ray.

You don't love me anymore?

You're gonna walk out on me?

Where are you going?

To the liquor store!

[door closes]

[traffic]

[phone rings]

Hello?

Hey.

I'm just reading over some
lines.

I've got an early call tomorrow.

Wait, what? Hold on -

why would I post pictures of
myself

on a gay dating site?

Blogs?

Okay...

Yeah, I'm looking.

What the fuck is this shit?

[music]

[door closes]

Hi. -Wow.

Are we, um...

Is this a group activity, or?

Oh, no, no, no.

I just wanted to make sure he'd
be okay.

He looks okay to me.

All right, well, um...

You two have a good time

and send up a smoke signal when
you're done.

A what?

So... what would you like to do?

What would you want me to do?

Honestly, I want you to fuck
the shit out of me.

Wow. You're really blunt.

You wanna tie me up?

Why would I want to do that?

Don't be afraid to tell me

you're into something kinky.

For you, I'd lick the pavement.

Well, let's see...

I have this lube and I have
this condom.

Well, aren't you prepared?

Is there anything else we'd
need?

Do we really even need that?

I mean, I'm clean... Are you
clean?

Yeah, I just took a shower.

[laughs]

No, I mean, I'm disease free.

You are too, right?

Well, I would imagine...

I could have some kind of
virus.

If I've got some doppelganger

running around West Hollywood,

hooking up with random dudes,

we've got to put a stop to it.

Yeah, you saw what happened to
John Travolta

and the fucking Elmo guy.

This is all my fault.

There is nothing to regret or
feel sorry for.

You are too hard on yourself.

You couldn't help yourself.

I couldn't help myself?

You're not all that
irresistible, you know?

I didn't mean it like that...

In fact, I did have a lot to do
with decision,

I assure you.

You took that the wrong way.

In fact, you had very little to
do with this decision!

Very little?

Yes!

You're a piece of work.

Oh, am I?

Yeah, you're telling me that
you'd fall into bed

with the first person to give
you a beer?

I'm... I'm sorry.

You wanna dance?

No.

Yes.

[music]

Wow...

I mean, that was...

I mean, I've...

I've never had it like that
before...

ever.

Like, ever! [laughs]

With Juan it was always the
same...

always underneath the covers.

It never even lasted very long.

Thank you.

I don't even know your name.

It's Joel.

Joel...

What do you do, Joel?

Well...

[music]

I can't believe I'm doing
this...

I never leave home without it.

Has anyone ever told you you
look like that actor?

It's uncanny. -Which actor?

I'm trying to think of his name.

He's not too famous...

yet, anyway.

He was in that indie rom com
last year...

it was like his breakthrough
role.

He played a gay guy.

Anyway, now he's doing one of
those

action adventure trilogies
based on a series of books...

[door opens and closes]

Hi. -Hi.

Doesn't he remind you of that
actor?

What's his name?

Oh, shit.

"Everything You Always Wanted
to Know

About Gay Sex But Were Afraid
to Ask."

It's only ten bucks for the
Kindle, Ray.

What a steal.

Oh, look! It'll let me take a
peek inside for free...

Okay. Here's a good one...

Are people's butts built
differently?

My boyfriend can swallow dining
room furniture

while I struggle with his
average size dick.

What's average?

Am I average?

You're... above average.

A fraction of an inch feels
like a foot in your ass.

I'll stick it in slowly.

Jake insisted I bring you
leftovers.

I like him already.

He also insisted that I invite
you to come live with us.

We have two very lovely guest
rooms.

I recommend the one with the
picture window.

So... you'd prefer I play along
with this?

Is that what you want to do?

To further deceive your husband?

Not just tell him that we're
more than friends...

I just want what's best for
everyone.

Well, this is not what's best
for me.

Or for him... -if he knew the
truth...

If you were living with us,

we wouldn't have to sneak
around.

We would see each other all the
time.

I think your ears are broken
too,

Natasha, because you're not
hearing what I'm saying.

Are they somehow connected to
your vagina?

This is really hard for me.

I know it is.

This isn't working.

Don't say that.

What else is there to say?

It's just... it's not working.

I think...

I think we're both just tired...

It's been a long day.

Trevor, you have to go back.

Why?

Because there'll be trouble if
you don't.

You're someone's creation.

You are essentially a double of
another person

out there with a life,

and a career...

A career that you could
jeopardize

by sleeping with people like
Joel.

Wow.

For a second, things were
really great.

[music]

And that's life.

What doesn't kill you...

defines you.

Trevor...

Please try and understand...

You'll be fine.

In your world, things always
have a way

of working themselves out.

Here it's not so easy.

You know, my taxi should be
here any minute,

so maybe I should head out.

Are you okay to get to the
airport?

Yeah, yeah...

I'll be fine.

I had a great time.

Yeah, me too.

If you are... -It was nice
meeting you, Miguel.

Thank you.

[muffled] I know... the human
condition is discouraging.

[door opens and closes]

You're back?

Yep. You didn't want to make a
night of it?

Well, you know how it is.

I mean, Kevin's pretty awesome,

but his friends are just so
banal.

I can only pretend to care what
happened

on the last episode of X Factor
for so long.

And... honestly, babe, I missed
you.

It's not the same without you.

[music]

Yeah?

Yeah.

Everyone kept asking me where
my boyfriend was.

What'd you tell them?

That you weren't feeling well.

Why do you have to be so
complicated?

Do you want to watch a movie?

I'm actually tired of watching
movies.

Excuse me?

Okay, well, how about me pop
open

that bottle of champagne?

Oh, I... I drank it.

You drank it by yourself?

Uh-huh.

Martin?

Uh-huh?

What the hell is this?

[music]

[knocks]

How'd you figure it out?

Well, after I met you...

saw the two of you together...

and got back to the car...

I just started putting the
pieces together.

Like, if you were really
friends -

why had I never heard your name
mentioned before?

And if Natasha was really
helping you -

why weren't you staying with
us?

Besides, you don't say you're

going to the grocery store

and then drive the opposite
direction to a motel.

Don't let...

Don't let your life pass you
by, Carol...

Not for her.

Why don't you leave her?

We've been married for ten
years.

The roots run deep, you know?

It's harder for me.

Plus... divorce in California?

No. You've met my wife.

She's not cheap.

Yeah, those panties don't come
from Wal-Mart.

[chuckles]

What is it?

I was just thinking how strange
life is.

[music]

Why did you do that?

Why not?

But you're a...

And I'm a...

Well, I like women too, so...

I know, but fuck it.

I haven't had a dick in like
ten years.

All right.

[music]

Ray! -What?

[toilet flushes]

What happened now?

It's gone!

What? -It's gone!

I ain't got a penis no more!

Talk about a deus ex machina.

But what was this all for?

What does this mean?

Well, if anything this should
prove how much I love you.

I'm so confused.

I feel like there's something
missing.

Maybe it's under the bed.

[music]