We're No Angels (1955) - full transcript

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We're No Angels (1955)

[Mellow French song]

[Ship horn blowing]

VENDOR: Butterflies.

-Celeste!
-Yeah?

On the steamship that just arrived,
someone wishes to come ashore.

I have orders
from the chief guard of the prison...

I have to wait here in case the guards
wish to search along the shore.

Three convicts escaped last night.

Do what I tell you.
You're on parole. A trustee.



You're no better than a convict yourself,
even if you are allowed to come and go.

One word from me, and back you go
to prison, so do what I tell you.

All right.

Say, the three prisoners
who escaped last night...

are they dangerous, did you hear?

Yeah. They tried to kill a guard.

Tried? He isn't dead?

I must be losing my strength.

It's the prison food. Don't worry,
you'll be yourself again pretty soon.

If we don't get caught first.
This is some escape...

lying here in plain view,
and in prison clothes.

Who will notice three more liberes
among 1,200 paroled convicts?

We look like them, they look like us.
Who'll notice three more?

Get that snake away from me.



Please. He'll hear you.
Adolphe's sensitive.

-You'll make him nervous, Jules.
-I make him nervous?

-Anyhow, he's got to eat.
-I'm hungry, too, you know.

Let's go steal something.

Albert! This isn't Paris.

Just one little pinch.

We could get picked up
just for the way you look.

[Dogs barking]

[Thunder rumbling]

They didn't come after us.

They lose the scent when it rains.
Anyhow, we're doing fine.

All we need now is a chance
to get out on that ship in the harbour...

and then it's back to Paris.

-You like that idea?
-Yeah.

-This is for you.
-Thanks.

Can you direct me
to the Board of Health?

Thank you.

You off that ship in the harbour?

Medical officer. Illness aboard ship.
We have to be quarantined.

That'll give time for any new passengers
to board the ship?

-You're a kind of official?
-I'm a kind of a convict.

All three of you are convicts? Crooks?

I'm a crook. These are murderers.

Yes, well, I'd better get on
with my business.

Rain's stopped. Board of Health. Very....

-That way.
-Thank you.

What did you get?

Five francs. The new generation
has no idea of thrift.

"Felix Ducotel's Syndicate
Merchandising Company, Cayenne."

Ducotel.

It's the general store.

Oh, the famous Ducotel,
the one who gives credit.

-There's no money in it.
-Wait a minute.

Why don't we deliver it
to Ducotel ourselves?

He may give us a little something
for our troubles.

If not, we'll steal a little something
for our troubles.

Joseph.

[Playing merry tune on harmonica]

Just a moment.

Good afternoon. What may I do for you?

Excuse me.
I thought you were a customer.

-Letter for you.
-Thank you.

May I give you something
for your trouble?

-A cigar, perhaps?
-No money?

Well, business....

Your roof, it leaks.

I know,
and the rainy season is just beginning.

-You should have it fixed.
-Well--

I have an idea, a splendid idea.
These men are looking for work.

-Who, us?
-Work like we did in....

You'd have the best roof in Cayenne,
we will repair it.

And maybe clean up the store a little.

But I can't pay you.

Just being in your beautiful store
among all these beautiful things...

is payment enough. More than enough.

Yeah. Nails, hammers, tarpaper,
you have these things?

Nails are here,
and here are the tools and things and....

Up that ladder.

You men know how to fix a roof?

Experts. Let the rainy season come,
you'll be dry as a bone.

And just as clean.

Around to the left.
Over by this window here.

[Ship horn blowing]

There's our ship.

Tomorrow she'll have
three more passengers.

Yeah, but how about papers,
identity cards, passports?

Just give me a good pen
and a few hours...

and I'll make you a passport
that'll take you to the moon.

Forgery's not a hobby with me.
It's an art.

We might get into trouble, you know.
Forgery's illegal.

Everything we need is right down there.

As soon as it gets dark,
we'll help ourselves.

The old man might object.

If he gets in our way,
it'll be just too bad for him.

We'll climb down off his roof and
cut his throat for a Christmas present.

That's the kind of thing that could
make you stop believing in Santa Claus.

Really, Felix, I don't understand you.

I've told you a hundred times not to let
convicts wander around the store.

-They rob you blind, and you let them.
-Well, what does it matter?

One more loss to the accounts
is like a headache to a drowning man.

It's hardly noticeable, except to him.

Aren't you going to finish
the year-end statement?

-I've used up all the red ink.
-Wait till he hears that.

Well, he'll just have to understand
that the first year's business...

is always a matter of ups and downs.

Andre Trochard only believes in ups.
If you lose this position--

He'll understand, Amelie,
he won't discharge me.

-Besides, we're related.
-Cousins. Only cousins.

It would be better if we were brothers,
of course...

but I daresay it's too late even for that.

Felix, you'll never change.

Everything we have, our home,
everything belongs to Andre.

The only good thing about this dreadful
place is that we're 3,000 miles away...

from Andre Trochard.

Amelie, I don't ask you to like him...

but when I was bankrupt in Paris,
who paid every cent I owed?

He did. And who took your business
away from you in return for the favour?

Well, he gave me the opportunity
of running this establishment.

And keeps threatening to throw you out
if business doesn't improve.

-I'm glad I'm not his brother.
-I didn't mean to nag or hurt you.

That is an extremely handsome woman.
Extremely.

I believe I'm going to think about her
before I go to sleep tonight.

If anybody thinks about her,
it's gonna be me.

She's yours. I'm sorry,
I didn't know you were interested.

Just that I've got so fed up
with Sarah Bernhardt.

[Grunting]

[Amelie screaming]

There's someone on the roof!

What's that?

Yes, I forgot to tell you.

It's those convicts I told you about.
They're fixing the roof.

I'll say one thing for crooks,
they give you an honest day's work.

[Pounding on roof]

Merry Christmas!

Anybody here?

Madame Parole. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, if you can call it that,
when it's 105 in the shade.

I can't stay.

I only stopped by to get a bottle
of Chartreuse for Ernest, you know.

It's my yearly Christmas surprise
for poor Ernest.

He always gives me a box of biscuits.

He eats them, of course,
and I drink the Chartreuse.

I'll get you a bottle.

I noticed the workmen on your roof
as I came in.

Convicts, I see.
Very convenient and so cheap.

Of course, you have to be careful,
don't you...

not to get a thief or a sex fiend?

Murderers are best, I think.
They're so polite.

I'll get you the Chartreuse.

Would you? I do appreciate that
so much. Thank you.

[Parole humming cheerfully]

Joseph, may I dream about her?

Plenty to dream about.

Mine! All mine.

Chartreuse, madame.
Cordezio.

You ought to have a convict
to help you in the shop, like my Octave.

He is a perfect gem!

Of course,
he talks to himself a great deal...

but he is so clean and so neat
and so capable.

You ought to see him sharpen knives.
He's a real expert.

-Just charge it.
-About your bill, Madame Parole.

My bill, of course. I must take a look
at my bill one of these days.

Right after the holidays.

Remember me
to your charming daughter, Isabelle.

What a pity she isn't married yet.

Merry Christmas.

Goodbye.

Did you hear
what she said about Isabelle?

Who?

Our daughter, Isabelle. You haven't
forgotten we have a daughter?

Daughter? You mean Isabelle.

Madame Parole
made a remark about Isabelle?

About her not being married.

Well, she's only 18.

At 18, I'd been married to you a year,
and Isabelle was already on the way.

Now Isabelle is 18
and where is her Isabelle?

You're confusing me.
Isabelle is missing?

No. She's at church.
You never listen to me.

Amelie, don't be cross.

Amelie, don't let us look
for more trouble.

Don't be upset.
It makes me very unhappy.

You know how miserable I get
when I'm unhappy.

What kind of a mother would I be
if I didn't worry?

Everything happens at once.

Poor Isabelle, the store, not one cash
sale all day, and Christmas, too.

-Poor Isabelle?
-Yeah, she's in love with Paul.

His nephew? Why, that is impossible.
They haven't seen each other in a year.

It was going on before we left Paris.

I thought she'd forget him
by now, but no.

Look. Every page of her diary,
how much she loves him.

You read her private thoughts?

Why do you think I gave her the diary?
Your button's loose.

Well, so she loves Paul. What of it?

Do you think your cousin would allow
his nephew to marry our daughter?

Why not?
My family is just as good as his.

In fact, it's the same family,
now I think of it.

You don't know Andre as well as I do.

To him, a marriage is a business deal,
like any other.

You give as little as you can
and get as much as possible.

And I have nothing to give. Is that it?

Only love, and that buys nothing.

You're right.
Poor Isabelle, and poor Amelie, too.

I wasn't talking about myself.
I wouldn't change you for anything.

If I thought Isabelle would marry
someone like you, I wouldn't worry.

The only thing I've ever done
that I'm proud of, is marrying you.

And I don't know how I managed that.

It was my idea. I loved you, remember?

I remember everything.

I thought I could change the world
for you, but I failed.

The world is still the same.

Not quite the same. I'm grown-up,
and I have two children now.

Isabelle and you.

That's more like it.
That's the way to celebrate Christmas.

I remember Christmas, 1892,
in Marseilles.

Terrible, wicked place,
rotten to the core...

and I enjoyed every minute of it.

They're still at it.

Remarkable. Married 18 years,
and in a climate like this.

"Felix Ducotel."

Good afternoon. What can I do for you?

Papa, it's me, Isabelle. Your daughter.

Why, so it is.
I'd forgotten you were so pretty.

You only say that
because I look like you.

But you are pretty.
If only you weren't so shy.

I'm never shy with you.

Maybe that's why you think I'm pretty,
and that makes me think....

Oh, dear, I'm getting all confused.

Papa, here's a letter for you.
It hasn't been opened.

-A letter?
-Did you forget it?

What letter?
Yes, the one the convicts brought.

-Convicts?
-The ones on the roof.

-Is that you, Isabelle?
-Yes, Mama. I'm home from church.

Everyone loved my dress.

It makes a beautiful noise when I move.

Father Edward frowned at me twice
in the litany.

Oh, dear, there's mud on the skirt.
That dreadful street!

I'm sorry. I should have watched
where I was going...

but I was thinking all the way home
such wonderful things.

Do you often think of Paris, darling?

How did you know
I was thinking of Paris?

Bend your arm.

All the way home, it was in my heart
to go back there again.

To be there, if only for an hour.

Do you miss it so much?

There's a reason. A special reason.

Mama, I never told you. It's Paul.

Paul Trochard. I'm in love with him.

Are you really?

Remember how I cried when we had
to leave France? Remember?

That was why, because of Paul.

Why, I never would have guessed it.

Tell me, are you sure about
Paul loving you?

He's never written you, not one letter.

We agreed not to.

That is,
he thought it would be best that way.

To wait a year
and then see if we still felt the same.

And, Mama, I still feel the same.

Run along, darling.

Look at them.
They're prisoners, too, like us.

How can people get into such a mess?

Well, I've got a daughter about her age.

I hope she's with her mother.
A wonderful woman, her mother.

-Wish I'd married her.
-Amelie!

-Amelie!
-What is it?

He's here. Himself. Here in Cayenne.

-Who?
-Cousin Andre.

He's here on the steamship
in the harbour, in quarantine.

"And you will kindly have the goodness
to get me off this incredible tub at once.

"Sincerely, Andre Trochard."

And that's not all.
He's not alone. Paul is with him.

-Paul?
-They're both here.

I wish I was a drunkard.
I wish I was dead.

I wish I was a dead drunkard.

I'll go down to the Board of Health
and make arrangements...

to get him off the boat at once.

Couldn't we get Paul ashore...

and leave Cousin Andre where he is
till after the holiday at least?

Well, he's thought of that.

He says he wants to spend Christmas
with us, going over the books.

I heard Papa.
Is there something wrong?

Not for you, darling. For you
it's going to be a wonderful Christmas.

-Paul is here in Cayenne.
-Paul?

You must have prayed very hard
in church this morning.

I can't believe he's here. You're sure?

They're going to stay with us.
I better change and get ready for them.

"I have arrived this morning
and am being held in quarantine."

He'll be here at least a week,
maybe more.

Funny kind of a letter.

Everything is going great,
and suddenly the sky falls in.

Here it is.

"Paul is my sole heir
and I have arranged a marriage...

"with the daughter of Audibert,
the shipbuilder.

"I need ships in my business."

We ought to do something,
but I've forgotten what.

I read somewhere once, when a lady
faints, you should loosen her clothing.

Well, that kind of reading
is what got you into trouble.

-Go get some water.
-Water, yeah.

Water! Where's the water?

Who are you?

[Shouting] Who are you?

Here it is.

Isabelle!

There's no need to be frightened.
We were with her.

-What have you done?
-Nothing.

We were up there when it happened.

Her father left, you gave her the letter,
she read it....

On the second page,
the deadly paragraph.

"He is my sole heir and I have arranged
a marriage with the daughter of...."

Some cousin your husband's got.

When she opens her eyes,
it might be better if she saw you first.

Not that we're so very bad to look at, but
it takes a little time to get used to us.

Darling. My darling Isabelle.

-Paul?
-Hi!

All I did was smile.

-That's enough.
-She must have a weak stomach.

What'll I do with her?

-Would you take her to her bedroom?
-Sure.

It's right this way.

It's right through these doors, this way.

[Amelie exclaims]

My dear!

-It's right this way.
-Sure.

In here.

Thank you. I'll get the smelling salts.

-It might be a good idea if you....
-If I....

It certainly would.

Your friends are very obliging...

especially the one
who carried my daughter.

How did he get into trouble?

Running after a girl.

Running after a girl?
Is that a crime in France?

No, not exactly.
Unfortunately, he caught her.

That's all right. Jules is there, too.

All he ever did was kill his wife.

But you're supposed to
when a girl faints.

You shouldn't go in, ma'am,
she's crying and--

My poor daughter.

[Bell tinkling]

Good heavens, a customer.

At a time like this.

Anytime's the right time for a customer.
May I?

It would be a treat for me.
It's been so long.

He'll wait on your customer, madam.

He is a kind of genius, you know,
he once swindled nine million francs...

and you don't meet a man like that
every day.

I suppose not, but after all,
having a convict wait on a customer....

-We make you nervous?
-I guess you do.

There's no need to worry, madam...

although, of course, none of us went
to jail for biting our nails.

I had a perfectly
wonderful career myself.

He cracked safes.

-I only made one small mistake.
-What was that?

A slight difference of opinion
with my wife.

Look at this beautiful silver comb
and brush set, it was made for you.

Do you know how lucky you are?
This is the last one we have.

-What'll I do with it?
-Exercise.

It will be good for you. Besides,
just having it around will fool everyone.

You can leave it to your family someday.

-I have no family.
-That's just the point.

Only the other day, I sold a duplicate set
to a completely baldheaded man...

-and you should see him now.
-What happened?

He died,
but he died with beautiful, bushy hair.

I'll get your change.

Can you change this?
I've just taken in 117 francs.

-What did you sell?
-Sterling silver comb and brush set.

But that's been there for 10 years.
Who did you sell it to?

He said he was the postmaster.

The postmaster? He's entirely bald.

Then we'd better hurry
before he finds out.

Oh, dear. My husband has the key.

Well, allow me.

It's been a long time but I'm sure
the old maestro retains his touch.

I can only do this in the dark,
so quiet, please.

Thank you!

You're quite sure
it was the postmaster?

He wanted a bedspread.

And you sold him
a comb and brush set?

There wasn't any bedspread.

-Are there many like you in....
-Yes. There are all sorts.

It's a world like any other.

But to sell silver
and look after fainting girls....

It's an old family custom,
carrying girls around.

Sold him some hair tonic, too.
11 francs.

Thank you.

Well, back to the roof.

Where's Adolphe?

There are four of you?

In a way, yes. Adolphe is
a small snake in a little cage.

Like us, an exile and a prisoner.

-Adolphe did us a favour once.
-A big favour.

We used to be watched over
by a guard...

who was a disagreeable fellow
with a whip.

One day, he was shouting
in a particularly nasty way...

and it must have been a note
in his voice which irritated Adolphe...

because, you know,
vipers are very musical reptiles...

they're much more musical
than people think.

And anyway,
the snake lost his patience...

fell into the gap
between the guard's collar...

and, I suppose, it would be the neck...

and....

It was a matter of seconds.

It was also quite a favour.

Yes, he was a much nicer guard
after that.

Horrible.

No, I guess it's not your kind of story.

[Door opening]

Don't move, young lady.

-I found this in my room.
-I said, don't move.

What is it?

He might have bit you.
He doesn't know any better.

It's a snake, see?

My daughter, my poor daughter.

It must be her day
for being unconscious.

Where would you like her
this time, madam?

Same place.

You ought to get her out of that habit.

Falling over like that,
she might break something.

Come on.
There's nobody in the store now.

Let's take inventory.

Pick out something nice for me.

[Albert calling out softly]

Let's put her away.

No, spare her.

Take my money. Take everything I have,
but spare my wife!

You need glasses.

The last time I saw you men,
you were on the roof.

What happened? Did it fall in?

-Back from the Board of Health?
-Yes.

What about cousin Andre?

They won't let him off the ship
until tomorrow.

That's nice.

What are you doing with my accounts?

Accounts? You call this mess
of unrelated mathematics "accounts"?

I got 10 years
for a better set of books than these.

Where are the smelling salts?
Thank you.

Amelie, I don't understand it.

Convicts working on my books,
others doing other things.

When you hear what's been going on
you'll want to thank these gentlemen.

-Isabelle read the letter.
-About Paul getting married?

Yes. Come on.

These people got enough trouble
without us.

Maybe we ought to give up the idea
of robbing them and clear out.

You getting soft?

You may like the idea
of going back to the cages. Not me.

I still think we ought to escape,
but taking advantage of them, no.

It makes me feel like a criminal.

We're going up
on the roof and wait till dark.

Couldn't we wait just a minute?

That girl,
I'd like to see her with her eyes open.

Another customer.

That's his life,
selling people things they don't want...

for more than they can afford to pay.

-If we're leaving, we ought to leave.
-I wouldn't mind staying.

Christmas has always been
a very special holiday for me.

That's how I got into trouble. I came
home unexpectedly one Christmas...

and found my wife
giving a friend of mine a present.

Too bad. I'm sorry to hear that, Jules.

It was my own fault entirely.

I should have written,
told her I was coming.

It's too tight.

Yes, it is a little snug.

Well, I'll get a larger one from stock.

I'll be back in 10 seconds.

What are you doing?

The customs inspector
wants a larger size.

That's the only size there is.

-I know. I'll just take this one back.
-But it's the wrong size.

I don't sell a piece of goods.
I sell an idea.

You know how lucky you are?
This is the last one we have.

Thank you.

There you are.

Now pull yourself in just a little.

A little more. Yes, that's better.

No stomach at all. Stop breathing.

That shoulder line.

A man with beautiful shoulders
like yours shouldn't try to hide them.

You're breathing again.
That's better. What a difference.

Two sizes larger makes you look
10 years younger. It's remarkable.

Thank you.

It's supposed to be a two-button jacket.
Well, come again.

-Thank you.
-I like this coat. It's nice and breezy.

-He took it.
-Why not? It fits perfectly...

so long as he doesn't put anything
into the pockets or lean over.

You better put this in that cashbox of
yours, so we know it's in a safe place.

We're nearly finished.

I'll give you a hand.

One moment.

My wife has told me
how helpful you were.

You know, this is Christmas Eve...

and my wife thought,
and I agreed with her...

that is, if you have nothing else to do....

Are you asking us to stay
for Christmas dinner?

No matter what else we have to do,
we accept.

I'm so happy.

I'd hoped I might be able
to persuade you.

Of course, they may be waiting for you
at the prison.

-You can be sure of that.
-Let them wait. It's very good for them.

Yes. They get their own way so often.

Anyhow, the way your daughter
keeps passing out...

you'll need somebody
to carry her back and forth.

Then it's settled. I'll tell my wife
I was able to talk you into staying.

We'll make a real Christmas of it with
a tree and decorations and presents.

You guys get everything ready,
I'll go buy a turkey.

-Did you say "buy"?
-In honour of the season.

It may take a little while.
First I have to steal the money.

[Turkey gobbling]

What....

Nervous stomach.
Always happens before a meal.

[Turkey continues gobbling]

We need some flowers.

Like in the Governor's garden?

And don't step on the grass.

Of course not. What do you take
me for? Stepping on the grass....

Need any help?

It's you, one of the convicts.

The one who's been carrying you
around all afternoon.

You going someplace?

I'm going to kill myself.

When you're 60, you'll wear a hat like
that so men won't look at your face.

Not now. You've got a nice face.

How can I run away without a hat?

Why run away,
'cause you're mad at Paul?

We were on the roof.
We know all about you and Paul.

Well, then you know
why I'm running away.

Why would Paul come here
unless it was to see you again?

His uncle made him come.

No. I bet there's another reason. I bet
he came so that you two could elope.

That isn't very likely, is it?

A man doesn't travel 4,000 miles
just to prove he's a louse.

He could do that in a letter,
like I always did.

It's funny, but I want to believe you.

Yeah, I thought you might.

The least you can do
is wait for Paul's side of the story.

The thing that really bothers me,
about Paul, I mean, is....

I wouldn't blame him
for not wanting me.

I know I'm sort of awkward.
I've never been attractive to men.

I'm a man.

You find me....

That is, do I seem to you? Well, do I?

I could go to jail for the way I feel...

if I wasn't there already.

Now put a pretty smile on your face
and don't hurt the people you love.

-You're amazing.
-Why?

Because of these?
I wasn't born in a cell, you know.

You don't look like a criminal to me.

If crime showed on a man's face,
there wouldn't be any mirrors.

May I?

-How do you like the way we fixed it up?
-It's pretty.

You know, I've forgotten
which side the knives go on.

-Here. I'll help you.
-Sure.

You were saying something before.
I don't exactly remember what it was...

but something about me being attractive
or something like that.

Very attractive. And believe me, I know.

That's how I got into trouble,
over a woman.

I needed money,
and my uncle wouldn't give me any.

They sent you to jail because
you asked your uncle for money?

It was the way I asked.

At the trial, it was established
I hit him over the head 14 times.

-How could you do it?
-With a poker, mademoiselle.

Anyway, that's all over now...

and we were talking
about something else, remember?

About me being the way you said.

Do you really think
I'm attractive to gentlemen?

I think we need
some more cups and saucers.

You must be feeling better, darling.
Your colour's coming back.

I've never been so happy in my life.

-You have on my apron.
-It's all I could find.

I don't mind. It looks very nice on you.
Pink suits you well.

-You like me in pink?
-It brings out the colour in your eyes.

Say something.

-Go ahead. Say anything at all.
-I've got nothing to say, nothing at all.

-Except....
-Except what?

Joseph, it's true.

It does bring out the colour
in your beautiful, big, brown eyes.

Oh, to be a painter!

What a beautiful turkey.
Where'd you get it?

It followed me against my will.

Look at all this.

How did a man like you get here?

It was easy. I had an air factory.

We sold bottled air to people whose
doctors advised a change of climate.

We had three kinds:
sea air, mountain air...

and all-purpose air just for breathing.

-We had a very low overhead.
-At least you had courage.

It didn't take courage to go to jail.

Just a certain amount of larceny
and a little bad luck.

You did what you wanted.

What I wanted
was always against the law.

I mean, speaking for myself,
I got out of school, got married...

and then nearly 20 years went by,
dull, uneventful years.

Ten of those years I spent in prison.

You'd be surprised
how little happens in prison.

They make an effort
not to have it too exciting.

-If you could do it all over again....
-I'd do exactly the same.

To me, the only mistake I ever made
was getting caught.

Well, after all you've been through,
you and the others...

it's very nice of you to help us, and
Isabelle, a girl you've never seen. Why?

She reminds Juley of his youth...

me of the home and family I never had,
and Albert....

Albert is a swine.

Amelie, where did we get a turkey?

It followed him, against his will.

-I'll get some wine to go with dinner.
-Richebourg would be nice.

Not with turkey. Chateau d'Yquem '88.

Chateau d'Yquem?

Conditions at the prison
must be better than I thought.

[Soft harmonica music playing]

-What is that pitiful object?
-The Christmas tree! I forgot the angels.

Here it is. The three angels. It was
on the first Christmas tree I ever had.

It wouldn't be Christmas without them.
See? Just like in the carol.

"Three angels came to earth that night
And all around the stars were bright"

I remember.

Your angels didn't stand
the trip very well.

Their wings are a little damaged.

The feathers are all gone.

And they don't have halos either.

Yes, they do. They have halos.
To me, anyway.

And their wings are perfect,
and their feathers are snowy white...

and they came down from the stars,
even if it seemed like only the roof.

-Yes, but don't step on the grass.
-Certainly not.

-For the ladies.
-Thank you.

I'm ready.

Thank you.

Right this way, please.
This way to Christmas.

Isn't it beautiful?

What lovely flowers,
just like those in the Governor's garden.

Turkey Ducotel, sauce Isabelle...

garni ? la guillotine.

[Soft instrumental music
playing on gramophone]

Look!

-What a beautiful tree.
-Why, it's grown!

[Singing] ? All the stars
shone heavenly bright

? Shepherds marvelled at the sight

? And three angels came that night

? Clothed in robes of gleaming white

? Bringing tidings of good cheer

? For the Christmas morn was near

[Speaking in French]

Come on, Paul.

How much will you charge me
to drive us to the store of Felix Ducotel?

This time of night, Christmas Eve,
eight francs, monsieur.

I'll give you three francs.

But three francs
won't feed my horse, monsieur.

Your horse's eating habits
are of no concern to me. Drive on!

Giddap!

[Soft piano music playing]

I hope this is a vintage year.

Bottled in 1888, the same year as me.

Merry Christmas, gentlemen.

Merry Christmas.

AMELIE: [Singing] ? Sentimental moments

? Moments that you shared with me

? They will last forever and ever and ever

? In my memory

? Sentimental moments

? How I treasure every one

? And I live them over and over and over

? When my day is done

? Those happy endless walks

? The quiet talks

? The music

? The crazy things that lovers do

? When love is new

? Sentimental moments

? Share them once again with me

? And they'll bring us closer and closer

? And closer

? Like we used to be

My wife thought, and so did I...

we didn't have time
to pick anything out for you...

Christmas presents, that is.
We wanted to....

Well, Merry Christmas.

It's getting late. I think we better....

-Good night. Merry Christmas.
-Thank you for the party.

Good night.

People like that,
how can you cut their throats?

It isn't easy.

No one's been nice to me since...

October, 1891.

If only they didn't trust us.

It isn't fair. Here we are,
three desperate criminals...

who'll stop at nothing
to escape from Devil's Island...

and we have to fall in with nice people.

You guys act like
you don't want to cut their throats.

Speaking for myself,
I'd just as soon not.

After all, it might spoil their Christmas.

I don't care how nice they are.
They're not going to soften me up.

We're escaping
and this is our only chance.

We came here to rob them,
and that's what we're gonna do.

Beat their heads in,
gouge their eyes out, cut their throats.

As soon as we wash the dishes.

Hello!

-Can't be a customer.
-Santa Claus.

[Rapping on door]

Convicts.

What are you doing here
on Christmas Eve?

We're the three wise men.

Look at pretty boy here.
This must be Paul and Cousin Andre.

How did you get out of quarantine,
a little bribery?

Well, there goes Christmas
right out the window.

I thought I heard someone....

Why, Cousin Andre.

Quite a welcome.

Twenty-four hours in port
on an overheated ship...

eight hours trying to convince
an idiotic witch doctor...

that I've never been exposed
to the bubonic plague.

And when I finally come ashore...

I'm greeted by a reception committee
from the penitentiary.

Friends, no doubt?
Guests for the evening?

-As a matter of fact--
-We work here.

I don't recall asking you,
but if you work here, then work.

Get our luggage.

-You remember Paul, of course.
-Paul. Of course.

We didn't expect you until tomorrow.
Your rooms aren't ready.

Then get them ready! I'm hot and tired.

At once. Of course.

Amelie! Isabelle!

-This guy's my meat.
-Things are picking up, all right.

I was getting bored myself,
everybody being nice to everybody else.

This is more like it.

Passports, clothes, money. Everything
we need, even steamship tickets.

What a Christmas present.

Andre, I'm sorry we weren't ready.

You're always sorry.
You'll never change.

I'm sorry.

These jailbirds look dangerous.
But I daresay you always go armed.

No.

Well, I intend to sleep with a pistol
in my hand. Keep that in mind.

-Come along, Andre.
-Thank you.

Amelie has your room ready.
Careful with that. Don't let it fall.

Easy, man. Easy.

-Amelie, Isabelle, Andre and Paul.
-Oh, good evening.

Good evening, Amelie.
Good evening, Isabelle.

Good evening.
Did you have a nice trip, Cousin Andre?

Are you trying to be funny?

Your rooms are just about ready.
We're moving out to the stable.

-Please, no details. I'm not interested.
-Excuse me.

-I'm so happy to see you again, Paul.
-It's good to see you, Isabelle.

-Paul.
-Yes, Uncle.

You'll oblige me
by going to bed immediately.

We've a great deal of work to do
tomorrow. Say good night to the ladies.

-Good night, Isabelle. Amelie.
-Your room is here, Paul.

It's my room. I hope you won't mind
my things being in there.

They'll make it that much
more pleasant.

Good night, Paul.

-You, take his luggage.
-Me?

-No. Not you. You!
-Albert!

Sorry.

-This is your room, Cousin Andre.
-Are there any bugs?

It was our room, Felix and mine.

Well, perhaps it's all right.
Good night, Amelie.

-Good night.
-Good night, Isabelle.

What are you staring at?

You. I've never seen
anything like you before.

I have, but not on Christmas.

Your servants are not too well-trained.

But then, discipline never was
one of your virtues, Felix.

And speaking of discipline...

I intend to have certain things
understood from the start.

No nonsense between
Isabelle and Paul. Is that clear?

But she's been so anxious
to see him again.

They were fond of each other
back home.

If Isabelle is entertaining the idea of
marrying Paul because of my money...

she can get rid
of her little scheme immediately.

Besides, Paul is already engaged
to the daughter of Monsieur Audibert...

the shipbuilder, a very rich man.
I need his ships for my....

What do you want?

All I want is to take care of you myself,
personally.

He means,
perhaps you want something to eat...

some turkey, maybe.
We had it for dinner.

I congratulate you.
Business must be better than I thought.

-Well....
-Turkey's cheap here.

When I want such little nuggets
of information, I'll ask you.

Get me some fruit.

Yes, sir. Absolutely, sir.
I'll have it ready by morning.

Uncouth lout!

After you, lout.

I've sent Paul to bed so that we could
get things straight without delay.

I made everything clear, I hope,
in my letter...

but there are certain points I want to be
reassured upon before I go to bed.

I'm not here on a pleasure trip.
You understand that?

I'm here because of
your confused and irregular reports...

and I don't want to be bothered
with any idle chatter.

-Your fruit, sir.
-Knife, fork. How do I eat it?

You eat it like an apple.

I want to know
how the business is going.

And I want to know why,
in almost a year...

there isn't even a small margin of profit.

Every report underlined in red ink.

I spent this year getting used to things.

By getting used to things, I suppose you
mean letting everything go to the devil.

What were the gross receipts
for last month?

Last month?
I don't think they've been totalled yet.

Last month was November.

This is nearly the end of December...

and you haven't closed the books
for November yet?

Of course we have, sir.

In November, we took in 32,815 francs.

You did?

-We did?
-We did.

Thus far in December, we've taken in...

33,824 francs and 12 centimes.

That's only a rough estimate, of course.
The Christmas rush, you know.

Yes.

-Are you sure of the total for December?
-Am I sure?

January, February, March,
April, May, June, July....

That's a bad month. Rain, you know.

August, September, October,
November, December.

Here we are.
33,824 francs, 12 centimes...

exactly.

But how much of that was credit?

Credit?

Mr. Ducotel says to give credit
is exactly the same as giving a present.

You did?

Maybe I've misjudged you. I'll know
tomorrow when we take inventory.

Tomorrow? We're not going
to work on Christmas Day?

That way, we won't be disturbed.

I don't intend to spend
the rest of my life here, you know.

But I--

I said tomorrow. Now, good night, Felix.

Good evening.

-Have you gone crazy?
-Me?

You know what I mean.
All that business about our receipts.

Tomorrow, when he sees the books--

The books? Oh, the books.

You're worried about the books.

Gentlemen, he's worried
about the books.

The books are in the safe,
and I won't give you the combination.

He won't give us
the combination. Maestro.

-What do you want with my books?
-We have all night to fix them up.

It will take more than
one night to do that.

Took me only one night
to fix up the books of a company...

that was supposed to have
seven factories.

-How many factories were there?
-No factories. Just stockholders.

Watch the door. I don't trust him.

What are you going to do?

He's the Michelangelo
of French Guiana.

I'm going to make you
the most successful businessman...

on Devil's Island.

No. Absolutely not.

Doing your books
will be a real treat for me.

You see, in business,
as in everything else...

there is appearance,
and there is reality.

But I'm an honest man.

Of course you are.
That is reality. You are an honest man.

What's the good of that if your books
make you look like a crook?

All I'm going to do is make your books
agree with your character.

An entry here, decimal point there,
an erasure or two...

and soon you'll have taken in
33,824 francs in December...

and 12 centimes.

[Albert calling out softly]

-Out of my way, you lout.
-You frighten me.

Did you want something, Cousin Andre?

I wanted to remind you that I rise early,
7:00 sharp.

-I'll remember to call you.
-Be certain of it.

Yes. One thing more.

Your books. I'd like to have
a look at them before I go to sleep.

-My books?
-Your accounts.

These.

I was just going to bring them
up to date.

I'll take them just as they are,
pure and innocent.

-But I haven't added in today's receipts.
-That's true.

We'll do it tomorrow,
when I take inventory.

Never mind. You're still a great artist.

What good is it to be an artist
if you have nothing to paint with?

-I'm relieved. I'm even happy.
-Why?

Well, I was tempted. I admit it.

I might have let you fix the books,
and I know I would have regretted it.

I'm an honest man. That's my way.
What else can I do?

I don't know. I never tried your way.

Well, I'm going to bed now,
and I hope to sleep well.

Good night, gentlemen.

Good night.

You've got to admire him,
even if you don't.

We haven't helped him much.

We ought to start thinking of ourselves.
We've been noble long enough.

Yeah, if we're going to escape,
let's escape.

There's nothing we can do for him.

-There's still the girl and Paul.
-I don't like him.

-You like her.
-Yeah.

Then we'll fix things up for her
and then leave.

Well, I don't know whether we'd be
doing her a good turn or not.

She wants him,
and that's enough for me.

What's this?

"Dear Isabelle, I need you. I want you.

"Come" what? "Come...."

"Come to me, my adorable, my love."

-Signed "Paul"?
-Signed "Paul."

What if she knows his handwriting?

If you got a beautiful note like this...

would you waste time
comparing signatures?

No. It would have to be signed
by a girl, though.

The family's sleeping over at the stable.
Wake her up and give her this.

Be sure you get the right bedroom,
and be sure that's all you get.

What about him?

Tell her to meet him in
the summerhouse. He'll be there.

Locked.

What do you want?

We want to talk to you.

Where do you buy those hats?

You know, this isn't gonna be easy.

-Where is he?
-Wait a minute.

When a guy sends you a note like that,
you don't run.

-But he might change his mind.
-If he does, you change it back.

How could I do that?

Paul will be in the summerhouse.
It's a nice, warm night.

Just do a little of this, a little of that,
and you're in business.

-You got any perfume?
-Yes.

Pour it on.

That bathrobe.
You afraid of catching cold?

What's the matter with my bathrobe?

Well, to begin with,
you can't see through it.

Oh!

You're getting the idea.

-Like that?
-That'll do the trick.

Albert, where did you ever learn
so much about.... So much?

I read a lot of books.

It's an absolute outrage!

Just because we ask you to meet
a sweet young thing...

on a beautiful tropical night?

-You got a loose bolt somewhere.
-I'm not in love with her.

You're not going to tell her that,
are you?

-No.
-He's not as stupid as he looks.

-What'll I say?
-Let her do the talking.

Say "yes, darling" once in a while
and nod your head the rest of the time.

-That's the way to make love.
-What if she stops talking?

-Kiss her. It's customary.
-But I don't want to kiss her.

You will.
At your age, it won't take long either.

You realise this isn't going to work,
don't you?

Uncle Andre will hear about this
in the morning.

Who's that?

[Rapping on door]

It's you!

How could I be anybody else?

I'm looking for Isabelle.
She's gone from her room.

Don't worry about it.

Paul's not here either.
She's not with him, is she?

Yes. But they're well-chaperoned.
My friends are there.

But he's not the right man for her.

He's not the right man for anybody,
but she's got to find that out for herself.

She'll ask him a lot of questions,
and he won't want to answer.

If he's no good, and I think
he's no good, she'll find it out.

-Give her a chance.
-You know everything, don't you?

Experience. A long time ago.

-You're quite a salesman.
-Thank you.

You know...

I owe you and your friends an apology.

I thought you were like
the other convicts.

I thought you came here to rob us.

Whatever gave you that idea?

Well, I was wrong. I see that now.
You like us, don't you?

And I envy you and Felix.
You're a nice family.

A good home and a fine store.

-I'll fix the bell over the door tomorrow.
-Thank you.

Not that way.

-We'll see that they don't get any ideas.
-Thank you again for everything.

Good night.

All this year I've remembered you
and what we said to each other.

-Has he kissed her yet?
-No.

He's waiting to be bribed.

Now we're together,
with only the future before us.

Uncle Andre has plans for my future.

You can earn a living without his help,
right here.

Why, in a lumber mill or on a plantation.

-I'm not much good at drawing things.
-You wouldn't have to be.

In the morning you could ride up
on a horse and give orders...

and then come home to me and
I'd put my arms around you like this...

and we'd never stop making love
to each other.

-What do you say to that?
-I don't know how to ride a horse.

What has become of France?

If only you knew
how often I've dreamt of this.

I wonder what Cousin Andre will say
when you tell him we're in love.

-Do you think I should tell him?
-It would be easy.

You just go up to him and say:

"I love Isabelle, and that for you."
Go ahead and try it.

-"I love Isabelle."
-I love Isabelle.

"And that for you."

-And that for you.
-See?

Bravo!

Uncle Andre.

Go to your room at once.

-But, Uncle Andre, I--
-You heard me.

Tell him, Paul. It's our only chance.

-Uncle Andre, I--
-I said, go to your room.

Here, take these with you
and study them.

I want to discuss them with you later.

Paul.

I'm sorry.

I think it's better this way.

Now you listen to me, young woman.

You are not to flirt with Paul. I forbid it.

If you think you are going to get him
along with my fortune...

-you are sadly mistaken.
-I don't want your money.

Nonsense. Everyone wants my money.
Paul, most of all.

-That's not true.
-Don't be a little fool.

He can't wait for me to die
to get my millions.

And that's the way it should be.
I was the same at his age.

If that were true, I wouldn't love Paul,
I'd hate him.

You make everything seem wicked
because that's the way you are yourself.

Your opinion of me has no cash value.

Incidentally...

I've been going over your father's books,
and it may well be...

that he will remain on Devil's Island
as something other than a civilian.

Good night, my dear. Pleasant dreams.

What are you men doing here?
Out of my way!

-Shut up.
-That's much better than being polite.

You'd better get to bed.
Nobody's getting any sleep around here.

This is outrageous!

What's the matter?
You a little nervous, maybe?

I'm sorry. Is this what you're looking for?
I've cleaned it for you.

Now things are different!

No, not much, I'm afraid, because
you see, I had to clean the bullets, too.

-I'll have you all arrested!
-It's a little late for that.

-That was taken care of some time ago.
-Permanently.

-You murderers.
-You said it.

Not me. I'm a maniac.

I'm acquainted with the law here.

You're on parole. Tomorrow I'll see
the Governor. He'll hear about this.

I'll see to it that he gives you
a Christmas you won't forget...

five years in solitary!

-How's that for a Christmas present?
-That's a lovely Christmas present.

But how're you going to wrap it up?

Uncle Andre! I've been going over this.
It's simply incredible.

You better have a look at it.

I'll deal with you in the morning.

You're not very polite. I don't think
I want to take inventory with you.

Don't worry. You won't.

I've an idea we'll discover
that Felix and these thieves...

have been robbing us blind.
Come on, Paul. We'll soon find out.

They shouldn't let crooks like that
on Devil's Island.

No. It'll give the place a bad name.

He's lived too long, that's his trouble.
Much too long.

Get what's on my mind?

Do you get what's on his mind?

Oh, that.

I insist that everything be legal.

Okay. We'll give him a legal-type trial.

That's a good idea.

Court is now in session.
Albert, you're the prosecuting attorney.

You are the attorney for the defence.
The trial will proceed.

Your Honour, gentlemen of the jury...

I demand a verdict of "guilty."

If you don't give me a verdict of "guilty,"
I'll get a new jury.

If there are any objections,
they're overruled.

The court now recognises...

the distinguished attorney
for the defence.

Your Honour...

gentlemen of the jury.

The defence...

rests.

How's that for the defence?

Reminds me of my lawyer.

Gentlemen of the jury,
have you reached a verdict?

The verdict is death.

Has the defendant anything to say?

The defendant has nothing to say.

-I insist that the case be appealed.
-Rejected.

-Sustained.
-Counsel, you're out of order.

Your Honour, is this trial going
to drag on forever?

On a point of order...

my client realises the hopelessness
of his position.

He realises that he must be executed.
The question is how?

How?

We'll escape. I'll go to Paris and
get a job in his company.

At the end of the year, he'll be bankrupt
and blow his brains out.

The idea has some merit,
but why must we wait that long?

-Can't we do it quicker?
-This is quicker.

Adolphe. Of course.

We'll wrap him up
like a Christmas present...

give him to cousin Andre.
Merry Christmas.

We'll just pop it into his bed.
Our friends are minus a nasty relative.

Court's adjourned.

There's a fortune to be made
raising these little creatures.

Well, what's it going to be?
"Merry Christmas" or "surprise"?

I just thought of something.
We can't do it.

You worried about Adolphe?
It won't hurt him a bit.

I'm worried about the family.
What would it look like...

if Cousin Andre turns up
in the morning a corpse?

-Who cares what the neighbours say?
-I'm thinking of the girl and her mother.

Cousin Andre's found dead in bed
a terrible shade of green.

They come to us and they say,
"Did you do this?"

Which one of us can look them
in the eye and lie about it?

I'm in a nest of thieves.
Nice bookkeeping. Look at this!

Fourteen watches missing from stock.
Three harmonicas.

A 410-piece set of dishware.

There must be crooks on this island.

Yes, and the biggest crooks
are right here.

What's this?

Something else stolen from stock,
I suppose.

-It's mine.
-Don't tell me that! I know better.

You convicts aren't allowed to have
personal possessions. What's inside it?

-A snake.
-Don't lie to me. How do you open it?

I said, how do you open it?

Why don't I tell him?

No.

It's his personal property.
Give it back to him.

Not till I know what's inside. You're
not going to steal this if I can help it.

Someone ought to rush in
and warn him.

Jules, you rush in and tell him...

before it's too late.
Tell him there's a snake in that box.

He won't believe me.
He doesn't like me.

-Albert.
-Were you talking to me?

You ought to run and warn him.

Why don't we cut cards for it?

Good idea. I'll get the cards.

Who cuts first?

I hate being first. Bad luck.

-After you.
-You chaps are bum sports.

It's up to you.

I'll run and tell him.

I forgot what I was supposed to tell him.

Tell him that he should
on no account try to open that cage.

Tell him, because if he does try to...

and puts his hand inside the cage...

to find out what's there...

he's liable to be disagreeably surprised.

Tell him....

Well, that there's a deadly...

and poisonous snake...

inside of the cage.

Tell him.

You didn't tell him.

He knows already.

Good morning.

How's it turned out?

Cousin Andre himself
couldn't tell the difference.

That's his writing. This is mine.

Perfection.

"I, Andre Trochard,
being of sound mind and body...

"do hereby declare this is
my last will and testament," et cetera.

Yes, well, there's no point in allowing
the old man to die...

with his estate all muddled.

I left everything to Paul and Felix,
to be equally divided.

-You're very generous.
-Easy come, easy go.

Put this in the briefcase
and leave it in plain sight.

-How's our client this morning?
-Still dead.

That's the way it is, "In the midst of life,"
et cetera, I forget the rest of it.

-I hope he looks all right.
-Looks fine.

I think he looks better.

Yes, he was too pale
when he was alive.

Well, this has all been very enjoyable.

We ought to start thinking
of getting out of here.

That ship in the harbour
isn't going to stay there forever.

We can't leave the place
looking so untidy.

First somebody has to find the body
and the will.

Then we shove off.

First somebody has to find the body.

-I'd be glad to.
-I'm always prepared to scream.

No. It should be an innocent bystander.

Anybody here? It's me! Madame Parole!

It's that delicious fat woman
from yesterday.

The ideal person to discover a corpse.

I'll see if I can
work the conversation around to it.

-We got to get Adolphe.
-Give him a strawberry from me.

Good morning.

-What may I do for you?
-I wish to complain to Mr. Ducotel.

-It's about this.
-What about it?

There's nothing in it but water.
I wish to complain.

By all means. I think you should.
This is serious.

Andre Trochard arrived last night,
the owner.

I suggest you complain
to him personally.

Bring him in here.

I'd rather not. If you'd just step this way.

Where is he?

He's in bed at the moment.

I have no intention
of speaking to him till he gets up.

-That'll take a while.
-Well, then I'll call back later.

I have a great many things
to say to Mr. Trochard...

about the way this establishment is run.

Before you go, about your account.

Just a little payment on your bill
from that nice purse of yours?

I haven't any money with me.

You haven't looked.
We'll look together, shall we?

How dare you?

-If I'd had any idea I wasn't trusted here!
-Trust is the very heart of business.

It's only due to a lack of trust
that I'm here on this island.

-Lack of trust?
-By others.

Don't forget this. You paid for it.

-We can't find Adolphe.
-We looked all over the place.

He's not a trinket to leave lying around.

Probably recuperating somewhere.
After all, he bit Trochard.

He'll die without an antidote.

A thing like that does take a lot
out of Adolphe. Poor little guy.

He's probably lying
in the corner someplace...

coiled up like a pretty little bracelet.

We'd better find him
before somebody puts him on.

Adolphe.

Good morning.

What are you doing?

-Yeah....
-Yes.

-We've lost something.
-A little....

Yes, a....

-Bracelet.
-Yeah!

-About this big.
-I'll help you.

No, thanks! Anyway, it looks like
you're on your way out.

Yes, I was going to early mass.

But are you sure
you don't want me to help?

Why, yes.
There is something you can do.

Maybe Cousin Andre
would like to go to church.

You could ask him.

Why don't you go in there
and say, "How about church?"

I'm sure he's dying to go.

I don't want to talk to him,
not after last night.

After last night,
he needs church more than anybody.

Why don't you call him?

And have him shout at me again?
No, thank you.

But you never know.
He may have changed.

I wouldn't be surprised
if you found him much quieter today.

I hope so. I'll say a prayer for him.

Yes, he needs it.

I'll say a prayer for you, too.

Well, that's the way it goes.

When you've got a body you don't want
found, everyone falls over it.

We better find Adolphe
before somebody falls over him.

Maybe he went out the window into
the garden. He likes flowers, you know.

[Mysterious instrumental music]

-What is it?
-Excuse me. We lost something.

-Up there?
-It isn't very heavy.

Morning. Glad to see you.

-Have a nice sleep?
-Fine, thank you.

-My cousin, is he up yet?
-No. He hasn't moved a muscle.

Don't you think
it's about time you called him?

No. Let him sleep.
When he wakes, my troubles begin.

A man his age
doesn't need so much sleep.

Why don't we all go in there
and surprise him?

I don't want to see him just now.

I'm going for a walk.
My wife is preparing breakfast.

If she calls me,
come and tell me at the cafe.

Cafe? I bet he's sneaking out
for a drink.

I could stand a drink myself.

Here we are with a dead body
lying about...

and we can't get anybody to find it.

I used to want to escape from jail.
Now I want to escape from here.

No, I'm not gonna leave Adolphe
behind. He's dangerous.

Search every inch of the living room.
You look in the store.

I'll make sure he isn't out here.

Adolphe. I know you're there.

What are you men doing?

Well, we're leaving soon...

and I thought
we'd better get our things together.

-May I?
-Thank you.

Don't you think you'd better get on
with your housework?

I'm getting breakfast ready.

I thought maybe you'd like
to start tidying up a little early.

Dusting, maybe.
Cousin Andre's room. Make the bed.

That can wait a while.

I'd like to talk to you
if you can spare a few minutes.

A man sentenced to life
can always spare a few minutes.

I thought maybe it was damp.

Well, you're very considerate.

I try. I do try.

This might sound strange,
but I envy you.

-Me? A criminal?
-I wish I could be like you.

You're not thinking of
committing a crime?

I was last night.

I know you won't believe this...

but I was thinking of different ways
to kill Andre Trochard.

That's very funny.

I know it sounds ridiculous.

Yes and no.

That's as far as
it would ever go with me.

Just an idea in the back of my mind.

Wishful thinking.

While you're wishing,
don't give up hope.

Adolphe.

-Good morning.
-Good morning.

-What are you doing down there?
-You're the one.

-What?
-To wake your uncle.

Good heavens. Isn't Uncle awake yet?

That's strange. He wanted to get up
early this morning.

Didn't you call him?

I knocked at the door, as he instructed...

but I didn't like to go in because....

I see. Very well. I'll call him.

I'm glad you said that. Excuse me.

Monsieur Trochard?

Tallyho!

Albert. Eureka!

-You find Adolphe?
-No.

My uncle. My uncle's dead!

What? It's impossible!

-He's dead, I tell you.
-Are you joking?

You mean dear Cousin Andre
is no longer among us?

And yet people say that a long
sea voyage is good for the health.

Yes, they do say that.

He didn't look well last night.

Well, he never looked really well.

You have our deepest sympathy.

Well, now to get on
with the funeral arrangements.

-I better get dressed.
-There's no hurry.

We can't in all decency
bury him before lunch.

This has been a terrible shock to them.

I can't believe it. Andre dead?

It happens to everybody.

Where's my husband? Where's Felix?

I'll take you to him.
It's the least I can do.

[Paul laughing sardonically]

Yes?

That droopy look of yours
is very effective.

It'll look wonderful at the gravesite.

What are you doing
with my uncle's briefcase?

We thought you might like
to look through his papers.

We thought there might be a will in here
or something.

Leave me alone.

Can't you see how upset I am
about my poor uncle's death?

-I can hardly keep from laughing myself.
-Get out!

I say, I love that droopy look.
It's very effective.

-I'm so ashamed, wishing he were dead.
-No, you shouldn't be.

You committed the perfect crime.
It all took place up there.

No evidence, no witnesses, just results.
I envy you.

Felix, I have the most terrible news
for you. Andre's dead.

-Dead?
-It's true. He died in his sleep.

-That was very considerate of him.
-I don't know what to do.

The first thing to do is make sure
that he's dead. I don't trust him.

You can take my word for it.
He's dead, all right.

We must find a doctor.
The death certificate must be signed.

We'll go to the Board of Health.

-Quite a Christmas present.
-Don't misunderstand me.

It's true that I never liked my cousin,
only because he was not likeable.

He had a number of good points,
I'm sure. I just can't think of any.

Yesterday there were three convicts
on the roof.

Today one of them was in the shop
and told me he was the new assistant.

Something must be wrong.

If there were three, madame,
you'd better tell the commandant.

We have to watch these convicts
and murderers all the time.

Adolphe.

-Boys, we've got to get out of here.
-What?

Your delicious fat friend
has been talking to the authorities.

-We haven't found Adolphe.
-Adolphe is expendable.

Can't we even have
a moment of silence?

We haven't got time.

Where is everybody? Felix!

He found my will.

You. Come here.

-Where's Felix? I want to talk to him.
-About the will, maybe?

-No. About the funeral arrangements.
-We'll dig a hole for him.

I expect the prices will be lower here
than in France, of course.

Didn't he leave a last will
and testament or something?

No. I see by the inventory
we have some black armbands in stock.

-Get me one.
-Wait a minute. About the will.

You sure you've looked everywhere?
In that briefcase?

I went through all his papers
very carefully.

My uncle left no will, none at all.

So as his nearest relative,
I'll inherit everything.

Trouble is, I think
everybody's honest but me.

-I beg your pardon?
-What about Isabelle?

You're not going to start last night's
farce all over again, are you?

-It was amusing at the time, but--
-But not quite amusing enough...

to last a lifetime,
is that what you mean?

I have a responsibility now.
I must look to the future.

And the future
does not include Isabelle?

I'm afraid not.

With her, it would be marriage or
nothing, and that's out of the question.

-And Ducotel. What about him?
-I have nothing against Felix.

He can stay on here, providing,
of course, the inventory's all correct.

If not, out he goes.
Sentiment has no cash value.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I think I'd
better take charge of my uncle's things.

I'll disinherit him. I'll write another will.

He'll only get rid of that
like he did the first one.

-He's as bad as his uncle.
-Worse.

If we could find Adolphe,
he could do us another favour.

Adolphe's gone.
He's smarter than we are.

Do you men know anything about
snakes on this island?

I've just been bitten by a snake.

A little snake? About this big?

Yeah.

All different colours,
like a pretty bracelet?

And you could hardly feel it
because it was so quick?

Yeah.

I gather it isn't very dangerous.

-Don't worry about a thing.
-Not a thing.

It's all taken care of.

Still and all,
I'd feel better if I had a doctor look at it.

He says he'd feel better
if he had a doctor look at it.

-He wants to send for a doctor.
-Tell him to save his money.

He says to save your money.
That's good advice. Take my word for it.

I guess you're right. It stung at first,
but now I can't feel a thing.

-Doesn't feel a thing.
-What did he say?

He says he doesn't feel a thing.

-In other words, it doesn't hurt a bit.
-Good.

How did it happen?

Silliest thing.
He was in my uncle's pocket.

In his pocket?
What were you doing in his pocket?

I was just--

Just going through the books.
We know.

I'm a little dizzy. I better sit down.

There.

Now, where do we want him?

Well, this place is getting filled up.
The summerhouse.

He'd look very picturesque
in the summerhouse.

-Go get Adolphe.
-Yes.

Where are you taking me?

Out to the summerhouse
where you can look picturesque.

You're always taking me out
to the summerhouse!

Adolphe, you shouldn't hide on us
like that, you little angel, you.

You got him?

Yeah. He's all tired out, though,
the poor little guy.

Gentlemen, the Ducotels
are minus another relative.

In the immortal words of somebody
or other, "Well done, Adolphe."

Yes, it was quite quick and painless.

He left us with a smile on his lips,
and his last words were:

"No credit."

[Bell tinkling]

How can we tell her?

Leave it to me. I'll break it to her gently.

I kept my promise. I said a prayer
for all of you and Cousin Andre, too.

That's good, because he's dead.

I'm glad you broke it to her gently.

-Cousin Andre's dead?
-Yeah. He died in his sleep...

after opening his Christmas present.

I can't believe it. How awful.

So far, you're the only one
who thinks so.

Poor Paul.

-Must have been a terrible shock to him.
-He didn't feel a thing.

No, he just took it very calmly.

Stiff upper lip. All that.

I'd better change my dress
before I talk to Paul.

I wouldn't want him to think
I'm not sympathetic.

Before you go, about Paul....
You and Paul, that is.

It's all right.
I know now that Paul doesn't love me.

That's no way to remember him. I mean,
only this morning, he was saying....

Yes, he was. How much he loved you.

He didn't talk about
anything else but you.

We wouldn't want you to think of him
not loving you.

Yes, he loves you.

I laid awake all last night
thinking about him...

and I suddenly realised
it was all sort of a fairy tale.

Something for a child to believe in.

-Last night I grew up.
-You mean you don't love him anymore?

I love only you three,
'cause you lied to me.

-We haven't done so badly after all.
-As long as she's happy.

Never mind. One day, a nice young man
will come along, just right for her.

-Only it won't be me.
-That's the way of the world.

Back in Paris a year ago, if you'd gone...

around the right corner
at the right time...

you and Isabelle might have bumped
into each other accidentally.

"I beg your pardon, miss."

"Not at all, sir. I should have looked
where I was going."

-You'd have had a kid by now.
-Yeah.

As it is, it'll be someone else...

who comes ringing that doorbell
one of these days.

[Bell tinkling]

Made to order.

It's predestiny, that's what it is.

No. It's that fellow from the boat.

I'm a doctor.

I was told at the Board of Health
there's been a death here.

-Is there anything I can do?
-That depends. Are you married?

-I beg your pardon.
-I said, "Are you married?"

No.

It's not bad. He's not bad at all.

If you don't mind my saying so, Albert,
he's got it all over you.

I don't see what this has to do
with someone dying here.

There's no hurry.
Your clients will stay put.

-You think she'll like him?
-He's pretty good.

-He's helped by the uniform.
-I think he looks like a glass of milk.

He seems to be fairly intelligent,
which is more than we hoped for.

-I still don't see what--
-Don't spoil it.

Well, what do you say, Albert?

It's all right with me.

I can't find Paul. He's not in his room.

Well, he was in the garden.

-I have a feeling he may still be there.
-I'm sure he is.

Excuse me.

-Who's that young lady?
-She lives here. Nice, isn't she?

-She looks charming.
-Yes, now, look here.

You're quite charming yourself,
so you be polite to her...

and very patient and very kind.

Or you'll meet a friend of ours
called Adolphe.

-Will she be back soon?
-That's better.

As soon as she finds her happiness.

[Isabelle screaming]

There. She found it.

Let me. Out in the garden.

In the garden.

-Now I've really lost her.
-You never really had her.

-It can't be helped.
-I blame it on my uncle.

If only he'd given me the money
when I asked him for it.

If only he'd smiled and said,
"Hello, my boy."

"Hello, my boy. I bet you've come here
to make a touch.

-"You young devil."
-"I guess I can't fool you, Uncle."

"No, you can't. I was young once myself.

"How much do you need?"

But he didn't say that or anything like it.
So you picked up a poker...

and let him have it. There you are.

Here I am.
And they called him the victim.

She's fainted.

-In a book I read once, when a girl--
-He's a doctor. He'll think of something.

-What'll I do?
-Put her down someplace.

Her room is up those stairs,
but mind her head on the banister.

All right.

Charming couple.

Hello.

Yeah. On him, she looks good.

-Is it you?
-It's hard to believe, isn't it?

-You look different.
-We are different.

Goodbye, madame.
Goodbye, sir.

-You're leaving?
-Our work is finished.

-You fixed the roof?
-We fixed everything.

And now we must be on our way.
Thank you for your hospitality.

It's been many years
since we've had as nice a Christmas.

Goodbye.

Compliments of the season.

Merry Christmas.

There's our boat. She's still waiting.

The rest is easy.

All we do is get aboard
and leave Devil's Island behind us.

Funny how it all happened.

It was kind of a miracle, the whole thing,
almost as though it had been arranged.

Even the girl herself
called us her angels.

We're no angels.

Funny. When I was free,
I was always in trouble.

I don't know why I'm in such a hurry
to get into trouble again.

I think they'd be glad to see us
back at prison.

Well, I'll say one thing for prison.
You meet a better class of people.

Yes. There's a lot to be said for prison.

You always know where you are
when you get up in the morning.

Yes. And I could do with the sleep.

What do you say? Prison wasn't so bad.

Let's all go back.
Think of the welcome we'll get.

If things don't work out right,
we'll do it all over again next year.