Welcome to Mooseport (2004) - full transcript

- So, how do you like this rain, Danny?
- I'm sick of it, Jim.

Well, it seems Mr. Sunshine should be
peeking through those early morning clouds.

- Yeah, promises, promises.
- Folks, tell you what.

We have a question for you, and
the first caller with the right answer wins...

An orthopedic tractor seat cushion
courtesy of Handy's Hardware.

- Okay, he was a recent two-term president.
- Of the Moose Lodge?

No, no, little buddy.

The ex-president of the United States
and, many say, the most popular in history.

The first president
to be divorced in office.

- And he's moving right here to....
- Mooseport.!

- Okay, we got a caller here.



- Judy Dunkle, can you name him?
- Would that be Eagle Cole?

- Monroe "Eagle" Cole.!

Hey, congratulations.!
You're a winner, Judy.!

- Good morning, Handy.
- Morning, Kent. Hey, looks good.

Yeah, yeah. Mornin', Harve.

- Mornin', Kent.
- Mornin', Harve.
- Morning, Handy.

- Morning, Harve.
- Morning, Morris.
- Morning, Handy.

Morning, Morris.
Morning, Reuben.

- Good morning, Handy!
- Morning, Stu. Morning, Fern.

- Good morning, Handy.
- Morning!

- New socks, Harve?
- Yeah.

I like 'em.
They go well with... each other.

- Thanks.
- Good morning, Handy!

- Oh, hi, Mandy. I didn't see you there.
- Oh.



Ready, boys? Get it together, now.

- One, two. Yeah!

Nice. Good job.

- Mornin'!

Mornin', Irma.

Hey. What you eating?
Hey, Bruce.

- Hey, Daddy's home.

Come on, Plunger. Get going.

- Hey, baby!
- Martha, good morning.

6:30 is too damn early.

It's not too early for Bruce, right?

Bruce doesn't care what time it is.

- Bruce got a little morning breath going.
- Do you believe this?

I mean, he decides to come a week early,
and they expect us to get all that work done?

Well, he's the president.
He's kinda used to gettin' what he wants.

We'll get it done.

Do you know what I like about Bruce?
When he's here, my nose looks normal.

Yeah, but his nose fits his face, boss.

- You're not funny, Bob. Let's go.

Who do we have writing
the speech for Tuesday?

Yeah. No, I don't like him.

- Hold, please.
- Hold on one second. Hold on one second.

Copy that. Go!

Lucky bounce, Mr. President.!

You know what they say...
I'd rather be lucky than good.

So, Mr. President,
what are you gonna do next?

Oh, so many offers, Chi Chi.
It's an embarrassment of riches.

First there's the Farewell World Tour.

Chance for me to say good-bye
and thank you to all my wonderful friends.

Writing my memoirs.

Then I'm doing something I haven't done
in 26 years... putting my feet up...

reading a newspaper
without interruptions.

Sounds good. Settle back in that
beautiful place you have in Baltimore.

Uh, afraid the First Lady
got that one...

in the divorce.

- Oh, right.
- She got the best years of my life.

But the one thing
she won't get is my title.

To the house?

No, the title, "Mr. President."

Ohh!

Unless donkeys fly...

they'll be calling me "Mr. President"
for the rest of my life.

She can have Baltimore. I'm fine
with my lovely little summer place...

Mooseport.

Four-tango-x-ray,
hold short of runway 1-2.

Sorry, Sally. We have the former president
of the United States on final.

We've got orders to let him land first.

- Hold short.
- Damn it.

Everybody, here we go.! Stay sharp.!

- Welcome to the Mooseport
White House, Mr. President.
- Thank you.

- All secure.
- Ahh!

Home, sweet home.

Uh, it gets more magnificent
every year. Ahh!

- Take the dog for a pee, Grace.

Oh, Jesus.
It looks like Tiger Wood?s funeral.

I'd like to go over some of these
speaking engagements...

Hold on, Bullard. I have to take
a quick cabinet meeting.

- Get in there.!
- Oh, hey!

Oh, sir.! I'm sorry.! Sorry.

Handy Harrison.

- It's an honor to meet you, sir.
- Get his weapon.! Back off!

- I got it.
- You all right, sir?

- I didn't realize one of the workers was here.
- I'm just one of the workers.

- I'm sure he's been checked out.
- I've been... I checked out. L...

Oh, yes, sir.
Everybody's been totally cleared.

I'll get out of here.
I'll... Let me... Yeah.

- Boy. I'm sorry.
- All clear.

I just want to say it's an honor
to work for you, really.

Thank you.
Thank you very much.

Well, uh...

I did come in here for a reason.

Oh! Right. Sure.
Go right ahead. Yeah.

- Sorry.
- Sure.

- Aah!

- I'll get that. I'll fix all that.

All that will be fixed.

The president.

At last!

Everyone, let's give the president
a little privacy, shall we?

Absolutely. We can go over
these offers anytime, Mr. President.

Hold on. Hold on.
How's it coming?

We're finalizing dates
this week, sir.

Twenty-six speaking engagements,
14 days, 120 thou per.

- And?
- Clinton got a hundred thousand, sir.

- And my autobiography?
- Random House is offering 14 mil.

HarperCollins is at 13,
but is offering a better ghostwriter.

- Ohh. Excellent. Keep working it.
- Here you go.

We're up to 147 honorary doctorates...

93 offers to be on the boards
of Fortune 500 companies.

Soova Motors is offering you five million
dollars to do a car commercial...

to air only in Norway.

And of course, the big enchilada.

The Monroe "Eagle" Cole
Presidential Library.

I like it!

European rationalism interwoven
with American modernism...

a metaphor of organic growth...

a man-made mountain
over which soars the Eagle.

It's fantastic.
Is it big enough?

- It's, uh, 40,000 square feet, sir.

- And?
- Clinton's is 20,000, sir.

Excellent.

It's the former first lady, sir.
Shall I tell her you're out?

No, no, no.

Will you excuse me?

Here he is, Mrs. Cole.

And the problem is?

As the man who has just gotten the most
lucrative speaking fees, the biggest book deal...

the most board offers in history,
I would think you'd know.

Come on, honey lamb.
You don't believe all that nonsense, do you?

No, Eagle. I believe
it's just the tip of the iceberg.

Charlotte, lamb, we settled.

Pioneers settle.

We rested.

- Seven million.
Don't forget... you're selling Mooseport.
- Charlotte!

It's a vacation home, Monroe.

You thieving, conniving, ungrateful...

It's been a pleasure speaking with you,
Mrs. Cole. He'll call you back.

Yeah, you too.
Try to talk some sense into him.

- Seven million.
- It's a negotiation.

You've handled dictators.
You've handled terrorists.

Terrorists were easier,
I swear to God!

Breathe.

Let the lawyers handle it. Breathe.

Ohh!

- Oh, Grace, you're a miracle.
- Oh!

Oh. Sorry.

No, no, no. Come on in.
Can I help you?

Well, I don't mean to disturb you.
I'm all done in here.

I mean, I'm done fixing it.

That flushing you heard...
that's work-related, not personal.

Oh.

Hey, we're done.

- What? Plunger!

Plunger! Plunger, stop it!

- Come here!

What are you doing, huh?

- Hey, you trying to get us both shot?

How many times I gotta tell you...
keep that thing in your... body.

Bad dog!

- You just let him do that right in front of you?
- I don't have cable, man.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Get up, get up, get up!

- Sally!

Spit it up, froggy. Thank you.

Sally!
You stay off her couch, Plunger!

Sally! Sally, hey! You up here?

- Guess what.!
- Downstairs.

- Hey, hey. Guess what came.
- Shh.

- Jane Ellen's delivering.

- Already? Wow. How's she doing?
- Sally?

- Here comes another one.!
- She's up to sextuplets.

Sextuplets?

Seven, right? Six. Seven!

No, six, six.

Chester! Huh?

Ah, you did it, boy. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Oh, look at those paws.
It's gonna be a giant.

I know.

Hey. So guess who I saw today.

- Who?
- Take a guess.

- Handy.!
- Come on. Take one guess.

The president.

Oh, that's right, because
everybody knows he's here. Okay.

But not everybody gets a check
for 17,000 big ones.

- Really?
- Seventeen thousand.

Man, you know what? I just, uh...

I think I'm finally ready.

Where are those towels?

- You're ready?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Ready to...
- To get the new truck.

A big one. A big one. You know, no more
three trips to the lumberyard for me.

- It's gonna be great.
- Dina, false alarm!

I'll take him.

I'm not sensing any enthusiasm.

I'm thrilled...
about your new truck...

really.

Hey, look, you know what?
Tonight, after the party thing?

Let's do something to celebrate.

Let's just go out, me and you.
A little romantic dinner.

- Sure.
- Yeah, it'll be great.

Okay. All right.
Dina, say hi to Fred and the kids.

All right. See you later.

- Plunger, let's go.!
- Well, he needs a new truck...

- So he can load all that crap that he's full of.

Here he is.!

You look great, sir!

Glad you're here, sir.

Good to see you, sir.

- Over here!
- Right here, Mr. President!

We're happy to have you here, sir.!

Glad you're back home, sir.

Here we are. Mmm!

- Morris! Morris!
- What?

- He's here. He's here.
- Al, "Hail to the Chief." "Hail to the Chief."

Welcome, Mr. President!

- Sir, welcome.!
- Welcome back.!

- Fifteen minutes.
- An hour.

- Thirty.
- Forty-five, and it's a deal.

- Okay.
- Whoo!

Yea.!

- Sorry.

Good evening.
I'd like to thank everybody for coming.

Tonight is a very special night
for Mooseport.

In the words of Hunt Langley, who put it
so eloquently in The Moose Call...

"The Eagle Has Landed!"

How original.

On behalf of the town council,
let's give a big Mooseport welcome...

to our newest citizen...

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

- Whoo.!
- Yea!

Thank you.
Thank you very much. Thank you.

As you all know, it's been over a year
since I vacationed up here.

So, first off...

to the rumor
that I'm only here because...

I lost my Baltimore house
in my divorce...

absolutely true.

- I am a Mooseport resident...

and even though I didn't get a chance to meet
many of you when I was up here as president...

- I certainly hope to...

I certainly would, uh...

- Hope to get to know you all a lot better.

Maybe we could, uh,
hit a few birdies or, uh, eagles...

- At your local golf links.

Anyway, since I'm not here
to ask for money...

I don't know what else to say...

except to thank you so much...

for your hospitality...

and see you around the burg.

Hear! Hear!

- Let's go.
- Thank you, Mr. President. That was great.

- Let's go.
- Thank you, Mr. President. That was great.

Uh, could a few of us
have a word with you in private?

The president has
a limited amount of time. Sorry.

- This'll take just a second. It's kind of urgent.
- Certainly.

- Right this way.
- Excuse me.

Mr. President,
I'm sorry the timing isn't better...

but it seems that your arrival
has coincided with something of a crisis.

Folks, I'm the Crisismeister.
Shall I call the marines?

- Would you care to sit down, please?
- Thank you.

Mr. President, Amos Harmon...

our beloved mayor of 24 years,
just passed away.

- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
- Anyway, sir...

the town council met an hour ago
in an emergency session...

and voted unanimously
to beseech you, sir...

to be our mayor.

Your mayor?

- Mayor!
- That's good.

Yes, sir.

You see, before he died, Mayor Harmon
was running, as always, unopposed.

And with the filing deadline
tomorrow...

we were having a dilly of a time
trying to find a replacement.

And then Reuben here pipes up
and says, "Why not get the president? '"

I said, "Get the president!"

In our 240-year history, there would be
no greater honor bestowed on our town.

To have as our mayor
the most popular president in history.

Popular,
with approval ratings in the 70s.

- Eighties, actually.
- Uh, 85.

- Eighty-five.
- Eighty-five? Unbelievable.

Mr. President,
you simply must say yes.

Well, folks, uh, even though I'm not
in the Oval Office any longer...

I do have plans.

Sally, please.
We're in the middle of something here.

Sorry.
L... I was just... getting my coat.

- I'll come back.
- Uh, hold on a second. Sally, is it?

- Yes.
- Sally, you seem like an engaged citizen.

Uh, what would you think
about my being mayor?

Mayor? Really?

It was my idea!

Um, I think you should do it.

And then maybe you could do something
about that landing situation.

- The landing situation?
- Uh, yeah.

I'm a veterinarian...

and I had a critically ill donkey
in my helicopter this morning...

and I almost lost her because...

the president just had to land first.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
That must have been a procedural thing.

- Standard security protocol.
- Standard security.

Maybe if you were mayor,
you could do something about that.

Hmm. Absolutely.

Things like that shouldn't happen.
I appreciate your opinion.

- It's really, really nice
to meet you, Mr. President.
- Nice to meet you too, Sally.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

Well, Mr. President?

- I'm sorry, gentlemen.
- Hold on a second there, Bullard. Maybe...

Excuse me, Mr. President. I suggest
that we give them an answer tomorrow.

- Gentlemen, he'll sleep on it.
- Yes, l-I'll sleep on it.

So we'll hear from you
in the morning, sir?

You have my word.
You have the Eagle's word.

Thank you, Mr. President!

By God, that's just the way
he sounds on TV!

Hey! Sorry.
Connelly's septic tank broke again.

- Oh. Stood up for a septic tank.
- No. No.

- You look good. Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Eww!
- What?

- You stink!
- Too much cologne?

No, not enough...
Did you think about a shower?

L... Yes, I did, but then
I would have been more late.

I didn't think it was bad.

You know how you can't smell your own smell?
That's what we got going on here.

Yeah. So is this thing over?

It's over for me.

Hey, what do you wanna do?
You wanna get something to eat?

I'm not that hungry.
I think I'm just gonna go home.

What? Is it that bad?
I'll take a shower. We can take a shower.

I already took a shower.

- Come on, Sally. What's the problem?
- I don't know.

I'm just...
You know, for the past six years...

Today, when you said you were...

I don't know, Handy. Why don't you
tell me what the problem is?

I don't have a problem.

Well, that's the problem.

- What do you...
- I'll see you tomorrow.

I should've showered.

- Your newspapers.
- Good morning, ma'am.

- Beautiful, Ramona. Beautiful.
- Today's agenda, ma'am.

Thank you, John.
Perfect, Smitty.

For God's sakes,
save me from Mooseport, Rod.

- Well, how 'bout a job at the Pentagon.

- Gotta go. Good morning, Mr. President.

Good morning,
good morning, good morning.

- Oh, Smitty! Thank you so much.
- Sir.

- What's on tap today?
- Read the paper.

Finally! Grace, you're wonderful.

Then you can take that jog
you've been wanting to take.

Mmm. Fabulous.
Oh, uh, about that mayor thing...

Oh, don't worry, Mr. President.
We'll take care of it.

While the president is flattered,
he declines. His schedule precludes him...

- Actually, I'm considering it.
- Sir?

- Actually, I'm considering it.
- Sir?

Yeah, why not?

Largely ceremonial.
Any work involved you can do.

We run everything else we're involved in.
Why not Mooseport?

W-Well, sir, actually...

As your first move out of office,
you become mayor?

It's, uh, beneath you.
And from a P.R. Standpoint, it's...

Fantastic.

For the love of public service,
Eagle Cole...

the most beloved president
since Jack Kennedy, agrees to help.

Perfect. And don't forget
the Wicked Witch of the West Wing.

She can't claim this is a vacation house
if I'm the mayor, can she?

- True.
- Wait until the filing deadline.

- Then call them with the good news.
- Yes, sir.

Mayor.
We're going to run "Turdport".

Thank you very much, gentlemen.
I won't let Mooseport down.

You have the Eagle's word, okay?

- Thank you, Mr. President! Good-bye now!
- Bye!

- It was my idea!
- Congratulations, Kent.

- Congratulations, Stu.
- Oh, Morris, you might want to read this.

Holy crap!

Thank you so much
for meeting with us again, sir.

When we talked last night,
nobody else had put in for mayor.

Unbeknownst to us,
Irma Brisker, our town registrar...

took it upon herself
to persuade Harold Harrison...

You might know him
as Handy Harrison, sir.

Runs the hardware store. Doing some
construction work on your home, I believe.

- To run for mayor as well.
- Well, okay then.

You've got your mayor.
If he wants it, he can have it.

- Sir, it's a touch more complicated than that.
- What's complicated?

It's just that, you see, sir, it kind of
got out in the press that you're both in.

- What press?
- Well...

When the deadline passed, we called
Hunt Langley down at The Moose Call.

He said when this got around,
it would be national news.

Of course it will be national news.
Press will say I'm trying to squash a bug.

You can rest assured, sir, that not one
of them said anything like that.

- Did they, Stu?
- No, sir. None of them said that.

A couple of them called it "David and Goliath,"
but none of them said that.

What do you mean "them"?
Who's "them"?

- NBC.
- CBS.

- Fox. It was really exciting!
- Uh-huh.

What, are you telling me the entire country
thinks I'm running for mayor...

against the man
installing my toilets?

But, sir, you said "Eagle's word."

Ah, hell!

Stop eating the fertilizer.
Go on over there.

- Look.! It's the president.!
- Do you see him?

- Which car is he in?
- Oh, yeah, it's him!

- Company's coming, and Bruce is out again.

- What is this?
- That's Bruce the Moose, sir.

It's a rescued animal.
Handy's pet.

Shouldn't it be in a zoo?

- Afternoon, Mr. President.
- Oh, hello, Handy.

- Is everything okay with that water heater?
- Everything is fine.

- I just wondered if you had a minute.
- Hey, I'm Bob.

- I'm working for you too.
- Bob, nice to see you.

I'm sorry, Mr. President.
Bob, Martha and Irma.

Martha. Irma.

- Paint.
- Pipes.

Wood products, like your last two
cabinet appointments.

- Handy, aren't you gonna introduce me?

- Oh, sorry. This is Mandy.
- Hi.

Mandy and Handy. How cute.

- Oh!
- Uh, could we speak privately for a moment?

Yeah. Sure. Wh...
That's my office right over there.

Outstanding.

Excuse me. I have a private meeting
with the president.

Iguana on your left, sir.

Whoo!

- What a dump.
- Well, sir.

- This is it.
- Oh, it's cozy. Nice office, yeah.

Thank you.
How can I help you, Mr. President?

Well, Handy, as I'm sure you know,
we've both put in for mayor.

- No, I didn't know that, sir.
- You didn't know that?

I knew that I put in. I thought I was
just doin' the town a favor, that's all.

I thought I was running all by myself.

As you can see,
we have a bit of a situation.

Yeah, it's...
We got a bit of a pickle here.

Bit of a pickle. Exactly. So I was thinking
that one of us should withdraw.

I would be happy if it were me.

Lord knows I have nothing left to prove,
much less being the mayor of anything.

But I have a P.R. Problem.

Oh. Ohh. P.R. Prob...
Is it serious?

Well, it got out to the press
that I had given my word.

- Oh. Right.
- You know, "You have the Eagle's word."

- Right. Like on TV.
- TV. Exactly.

So, um... Well, look, uh... -

You're a golfer, right?

- Are you any good?
- I get around. I get around.

- Like a 10 handicap, maybe, on a good day.
- Ten? Me too.

- We should knock it around sometime.
- That would be an honor.

Well, uh, if you're trying
to make a name for yourself in golf...

you wouldn't, uh, start off by...

Oh. Nice shot.

Challenging Tiger Woods.

No, you'd start small... local tournaments.
Same in politics.

You don't start a political career...

by running against the former president
of the United States.

- Fine.
- Fine.

It was a privilege to run.
It's a privilege to withdraw.

- Well, it's settled.
- What's settled?

It turns out we both put in for mayor,
so I just withdrew.

- Chicken!
- I'm glad I could help with that P.R. Problem.

Bruce is out of his pen again.
Did anybody happen to notice that?

He probably chewed through the rope.
Bob, put him back.

I already did it. Oh.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.

Sally, the president.
We just had a meeting.

We met last night
when I was being stood up.

Look, I'm sorry if I was rude to you.
I'm really embarrassed.

Rude? Don't be silly. No.

- What you said helped
convince me to be mayor.
- Really?

You're gonna do it!
You're gonna be our mayor! Great!

It is, isn't it?
I'm so glad I ran into you.

You know, I decided to get a dog.

- I thought you already had a dog.
- Yes, I do.

- A great animal. A shih Tzu.
- Westie.

Westie needs a friend,
and I thought if you were available...

let's say tomorrow night, perhaps...

we could discuss it over, uh, dinner.

- Dinner?

Yeah, I could really use
your, uh, professional advice on this.

- Really? My advice?
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, okay.
Well, dinner would be fine.

Great.! Looking forward to it.

- My people will get in touch with your people.
- I don't have people.

But I could give you my number.

Well, my people will get your number
and we'll set up a time.

I'm sure whatever time we do set,
you'll be on time.

- Absolutely. Looking forward to it.

See you on the links, sir.

- And thanks again for being so helpful.
- Yeah. Right.

You mean rolling over.

- Sally...
- You know, Bruce is a baby.

Babies like to chew things like rope.

- Ooh-ooh.
- Okay, then.

Sally, is it me...

or did you just get asked out
by that president guy?

Yes, I think I did. Probably couldn't
chew through this, right?

And-And is it me
or did you just say yes...

to the president guy?

Yes, I think I did.

Look, Sally,
I'm sorry that I was late, okay...

but you can't date the president
because of that.

- Do you really think that's the reason?
- Why, then?

Why not?

Here. Use this.

Shut up!

Sally, I wanna talk to you!
Sally, I wanna talk with...

Thank you very much.
It was very nice of you.

- Say bye-bye now.
- It's Irene.

Mr. President!

Yes, Handy. What is it?

- Mr. President!
- Thank you very much.

Uh-huh?

I can't do it, sir.
I can't drop out of the mayor race.

Excuse me?

I, uh, I don't have the Eagle thing like you,
but I'm a man of my word too.

Every man's word's important.
Isn't that true?

Does he want money?
Wh-What is it?

If you stay in this race, then I'm-I'm sure
you're gonna slaughter me, but...

I'm runnin' for
the mayor of Mooseport!

Is he losin' his mind?

L... uh...

- What just happened?
- You're runnin' against the president.

And your girlfriend's datin' him.
Mm-hmm.

I repeat... mm-hmm!

No, Larry,
the president has no comment.

No. No comment. Thank you.

That's all the networks,
60 Minutes and Larry King.

The handyman's girlfriend?
His girlfriend? Why didn't you tell me?

- I'm gonna look like an idiot.
- I tried to tell you, Mr. President. Remember?

Why didn't you try harder?
What am I supposed to do now, apologize?

- Back down?
- You want to call Bert Langdon?

For what? I don't need
a campaign manager for this.

- Hello? One second. Mr. President.

Bert Langdon on line one.

Bert, what a coincidence.
What's shakin'?

That's what I was gonna ask you,
Eagle.

It's deader than Nixon down here.

I'd be happy to roll up my sleeves
and come up there if you want.

Bert, I'm running against my plumber.
Is there something I don't know?

You watching Fox News?

The results are quite interesting.

The poll, of course, is preliminary...

but it does show Harrison
with surprising strength.

There's an eight percent margin
of error, and it's still early...

but it looks to be very close.

Seems to me the president
has got himself in a bit of a horse race.

Eagle, you with me?

Don't you mean moose race?

Eagle.! Hey.! Oh-ho.!

- There she is! Hey, come on. Let's go.
- That's her right there.

- Sally.!
- Miss Mannis! Are you Dr. Sally Mannis?

- Yeah.
- Just a couple of questions
about Handy Harrison.

- Hey! Watch it.
- Is it true you've been seeing
Mr. Harrison for six years?

- Now you're dating the president.
- Oh, no.

I'm not dating the president.
It's one date.

I'm not even sure
you'd call it a date.

You wouldn't call it a date?
What would you call it exactly?

- Just a couple more questions!
- When did he ask you out?

- Have you and the president had sex yet?
- For God's sakes!

Think about it, Handy.

For our mayor, we could have
the president of the United States.

- What are you trying to do to us?
- You know he's gonna win.

Drop out, you bastard!

- Come on.!
- Thank you, Reuben.

- And you better keep an eye
on your speedometer, Harrison.
- Handy! Handy! Handy!

- What's this? Come on. Ah, what's goin' on?
- Handy! Handy! Handy!

What's it look like?
You're campaigning!

- Handy.! Handy.!
- Guys, come on.

Hey, Handy. Do you like it?

Uh, that's... yeah. Uh, all right, guys.
Thank you very much.

The moose hat and everything.

But, Irma, we discussed this.
I'm not campaigning. I'm not.

- What?
- Do you care about Sally or not?

No... Look, her going out
with him is just...

it's a casual...

Call it postmenopausal intuition...

but just my opinion...
lose this election, lose Sally.

- Mm-hmm.
- It's not gonna go anywhere.
He's 20 years older than me.

- He's the president!
- So?

Power takes 10 years
off a man, Handy.

Rich, another 10.

By the time you figure
he's in great shape and you're not...

he's younger than you are.

- Mm-hmm.
- So, you want to campaign or not?

- Hmm!
- Mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm!

Better shape!

I know I can kick your ass!

Up and running.
So how do we kick this thing off, Bert?

Top priority, obviously,
is to keep him presidential.

Just pound
these moose worshippers...

with what his unbelievable experience
can bring to them.

Look, if they think about it
for half a second...

Harrison can't bring even a fraction
of what he brings.

- Whatever he is.
- And what exactly is he?

Preliminary research says
that he is something...

that actually we've never
faced before, Mr. President.

- And that is?
- He's a genuinely honest man, sir.

Oh, come on, Grace. All that means
is he's never run for public office.

- What do you got, Bert?
- F.B.I., C.I.A... nothing.

But this turned up in the local paper.

And, uh, that's it?

That's it. We're running
against the pie-eating champ.

- Huh.
- And think about this.

He runs for mayor, but only
when he thinks he's unopposed.

He dates the same woman
for six years...

but he never pops the question.

What's wrong with this picture?

He won't take risks.!
He won't make a commitment.

And any man who won't make a commitment
shouldn't be mayor of anything.

- That's good. How do we get that out?
- Whisper campaign, at first.

Then radio, and eventually,
we'll have to have some TV spots.

Shouldn't get too expensive, but...

Mr. President, I'm sure
you don't want to hear this...

but would the easiest thing be...

Should we discuss a withdrawal?

Withdrawal? Grace!

He's the Eagle!

Eagle Cole has never run away
from anything in his life!

- Not to mention what it
would do to his finances.
- Finances?

Book deals, corporate boards,
library fund-raising.

You quit or, God help us,
lose to a plumber...

we can kiss those deals good-bye
faster than you can say Roto-Rooter.

This is not about Mooseport.
It's about winning.

It's about spending three million dollars
to protect 20.

Maybe I should commit
to that speaking tour.

L... I, uh...
I had to cancel that, sir.

You... You what?

It-It seemed obvious. It was right
in the middle of the campaign.

That was millions of dollars!

Sir, there is still that offer...

from the Soova Motors people.

- The ex-president cannot do car commercials.
- But have you seen the car?

Look at this.
It's snappy styling, snappy president.

- Bullard.!
- It's smooth handling.

- Leather interior!
- Bullard! Get out, get out.

I'll handle the money, Eagle.
I'm sure that with the library
pledges, something will turn up.

- May I stay now, sir?
- Go in the corner, out of my eye line.

Oh, thank you, sir.

- I can still see you.

Yes, sir.

What about the girl? What about
this Sally-Handy, Sally-Eagle wank-off?

- He'll have to cancel the date.
- Whoa, whoa. No. He can't cancel the date.

You said it, Bert.
The Eagle doesn't back down.

You clear up what I didn't know
and when I didn't know it, I'll be fine.

- Should I draft a press release?
- Uh, yeah.

Oh, no. No. Um...

Call the press, have them over here
first thing in the morning...

and then get Handy Harrison here
to fix the toilet.

You see where I'm going with this,
or do I have to draw you a picture?

I see it, Mr. President. I'm on it.

- Let's get to work.

He's comin' in.

- Let's go. Let's go. Move on through. Move on.
- Oh, boy.

Uh-huh. Looks like an ambush.

Oh, boy.

- Handy, what are your policies?

Mr. President.!
Mr. President.! Comments.!

Folks, I need a word with Mr. Harrison.
Good morning, Handy.

- Good morning, Mr. President.
You got toilet trouble, right?
- Yeah.

Handy, uh, I want to make it clear
that when I asked Miss Mannis out...

I had no idea that you two
had a relationship.

Even though I find it reprehensible for
any man to interfere in an ongoing romance...

Me too.

I also believe that a woman's heart
is hers and hers alone to give.

Ah. Yeah. That's a good point.

Mm-hmm.
So, I asked Sally out in ignorance...

and she agreed to go.

And until she tells me to stand down,
I intend to see her.

- Fair?
- Call him a horndog!

- Did she say "horndog"?
- Well, uh...

If it's okay with you, sir,
I'd like to chew on that a bit.

Okay. Okay, you chew on that...

and, um...

if you find that you can't swallow it,
you let me know...

and I'll give you
the Heimlich maneuver, okay?

- Very good, sir.

Come on in here
and fix these toilets.

- So are we going to
see a date, Mr. President?
- Where are you taking her?

I don't know what you're gonna see.
Thank you so much.

- Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.

- I'm in a great mood.
Do we have any ice cream?
- Absolutely, sir.

And I think we found a way
to solve your money problems.

- Really?
- Yes.

- Voil?.
- That's it?

Nothing to it. You save three million dollars,
and look... still beautiful.

Excellent, excellent.
Don't even miss it.

- Okay, everybody. Let's get back to work.
- Right away, sir.

Son of a bitch!

Sally!

- Plunger, you stay off the couch.!

- Hi there.
- Hello.!

Hey. Hey, it's me. What's up?

Uh... what are you doing?
You wanna go do something?

- You wanna see a movie or something?
- You know I have plans tonight.

L... Oh, that's right.
That's right. I forgot.

Tonight's the night you got a date
with the president of the United States.

- Uh-huh.
- Did you see this?

"Local vet finds romance
with past president."

- Eww. Where'd they get that picture?
- Yeah.

There it is next to the president
on the front page.

So what about later? I mean,
he must go to bed at, like, 8:30, right?

So, there's supposed to be a meteor
shower at 11:00. That could be cool.

- It'll have to be another time.

It's not gonna happen for 240 years,
but okay, I'll pencil that in.

I might, uh... You gotta...
You gotta tighten these.

- Look, if you're doing all this
to get me jealous...

it's worked, okay,
so could you stop it, huh?

Please? Can you just cancel
the date with the president?

So that's Wednesday.
Then Thursday.

- Come in, come in, come in.
- Thank you, sir.

Uh, Thursday, I thought you could
interview some of the ghostwriters.

- Oh, great, great, great, great.
- Where are you taking her?

The Pig and the Whistle,
the only steakhouse in town.

Supposed to be quiet, intimate.
Do you know it?

Pig 'N' Whistle? No.

What do I eat?
I mean, what do I talk about?

Do I have anything in common
with this girl?

She's a veterinarian. Why don't you
talk about mad cow disease?

- Don't, by the way, order meat.
- Why not?

It's just a guess, but she might not
appreciate your wolfing down...

the animal she spent all day
trying to save.

Good point.

Come on.

Wh-What, do you...
do you really actually like this guy?

He wants to talk to me about dogs.

- Why you all dressed up then?
- Because he's the president.

Well, then why are you
wearin' black underwear?

- Were you lookin' up my dress?

Yeah, I was.

- Ow!
- Oh, get over yourself. I hardly touched you.

How many times do I gotta tell you
how strong you are?

You knuckled my bone!

Listen, explain to me
the underwear choice.

- If you're not attracted...
- I don't believe this!

What difference does it make
what color my underwear is?

It's an unconscious indicator...

of your subconscious intentions.

Okay. Um...

How do you feel about the pink?

- No.
- No.

- Uh... what about these?
- No!

- No? Uh, these?
- All right.

Or do you like any of these?

I'm going to Sears tomorrow.
I'm telling you right now.

Oh! Remember these?

Yeah. That we're locking up, okay?

Or you know what?

I could always go with none at all.
I wonder what that would indicate.

Sally. Sally!
Put some pants on!

- Hello!
- Handy's Hardware.

- Hello, Pig 'N' Whistle.
- No, this is Handy's Hardware.

Good. I'd like to confirm
a reservation, please.

- You have the wrong number.
- Yes, I know.

For President Monroe Cole.

- Strictly confidential, of course.
- Confidential?

8:00, for two, yes?

Well, I'll be buggered by a bear.

Ah, yes, you will.
Look forward to seeing you there.

Move up a little closer.
Can you move that up?

This feels wrong. And pushy.

And him making her
his booty poodle isn't?

You have to stop saying that,
please.

- Thank you. To new friends.

Lots of em.

- This way, Mr. President!
- Sorry about the gaggle.

I just can't believe
they hound you like this.

Nah, you get used to it.
They're kind of like pigeons.

You throw 'em a crumb
once in a while. Hello!

- Thank you, sir!
- Hi, Mom.

Out with the president.

- Ah, that's great.
- Hmm, hmm, hmm.

- Are we ready yet?
- Uh, I hope you're hungry.

I could eat a horse... radish.

Horseradish. Sally?

Uh, I'm not sure yet.
You go first, Mr. President.

Monroe, please.

- Monroe.
- Let's see. So much to choose from here.

Um... I'll have the baked potato.

- Hmm. All right.
- Sour cream and butter and Baco Bits.

Vegetarian... Baco Bits.

Uh, I'll have the endive salad
and... a T-bone.

- Sometimes you just want a steak, right?

- Yeah.

- No turning back. Get in there.!
- Hey, hold on a minute.

- Why can't we go in?
- Ma'am?

- All right. Okay. Okay. All right. All right.
- Go on!

Hi. Uh, sorry, everybody.
Sorry to interrupt. I was just...

I wanna let everybody know
that I'm gonna be running for mayor.

And I'd appreciate your votes.

So I'll just hand these out, and I'll
get out of your way. Here you go.

I gotta tell you,
I'm voting for the president.

- Hi. Good evening, folks.
It's a nice night, isn't it?
- Handy for mayor.

Runnin' for mayor.
Hey, you got yours. Hi. Hi, Shelly. Hi.

Hey, just wanna remind people
that I'm running for mayor.

Yeah, we heard you before.

Instead of interrupting everybody's dinner,
why don't you two have a debate?

- Debate?
- Yeah. Have a debate.

We're not gonna have a debate. We're not
gonna bother the president with that.

Oh, no, no.
A debate's fine by me.

- There. You see? Yeah.
- Now?

Well, now is not the time
or place, Handy...

but, uh, let's say
the town hall Tuesday night.

That's a great idea!

- I'll think about it.
- Of course he will.

- Tuesday, town hall. Great.!
- Okay. All right. You're on.

Okay, why don't we let everybody
get back to their dinner?

All right.
I'm gonna go in the bar.

Maybe there's people that are
drunk enough to vote for me in there.

Good idea.

- What are you mentioning a debate...
- That's all right.

- I can't talk. I can't even talk to you.
- You'll be fine.

- Oh, come on!
- Look, I'm gonna stay. You go. Go.

- Hand these out.
- Take the truck home. Put some gas in it.

Hey. Hi, everybody.
Sorry to interrupt.

- Everything all right?
- Uh, yes!

Would you excuse me
for just one minute?

- Yes, certainly.
- Don't get up.

- I kind of know what everybody...
- Handy!

Get the hell out of here.

Sally, I have the right to campaign.

Campaign?
You're making a fool of yourself.

Well, welcome to politics.

Discreetly. Discreetly.

What's in it?

- They're, uh... It's beyond me, sir.
- What?

- Should I get it to the F.B.I.?
- Yes. No, no, no.

Here she comes. Go.
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee-dah.

- Mr. President.!
- Watch your step, Mr. President.

- It's going well, don't you think?
- Mr. President, sir.

- I've been thinking.
I suggest a handshake, sir.
- What?

Yes, sir. It's your first date.
I think that a handshake...

Grace, Grace,
I'm doing great here!

I think you're underestimating me.

Are you going to see her again?

- Sally, is he a gentleman?
- How's the date going?

Have you officially
dumped Handy, Miss Mannis?

Whoa! Was that a meteor?

- There's supposed to be a shower tonight.
- Ahh.

- Maybe it's a good omen, huh?

I just wanna apologize again
for Handy.

I certainly did not tell him
where we were going tonight.

I understand totally.

Well... good night.

- I, uh... Oops.

Ohh!

- Yes!
- Just a handshake?

That's gotta hurt.!

Little rusty there, Mr. President?

Mr. President.!
Crash and burn, man.!

Ohh.

Okay, here it is again.
The president goes in for the kiss.

Out comes her hand,
and no, thank you, Mr. President!

- Let's get this guy another beer!

Wait! Guys, guys, guys!

He was pushin'.
He missed all her signals.

And you, sir?

- Look who's on TV.!
- Uh, the president? Loser!

That's me! All right!

The president got vetoed.

Can you believe it?
Definitely the cold shoulder.

- Cold shoulder?
The president lost that one.

- Do I hear "lame duck"?
- Turn it off, all right? Just turn it off!

- Come on. Turn it off! Turn it off!
- Mr. President.

- There. It's off.

- Well, how do we fix this?
- We don't.

We concentrate on substance.
We get rid of this debate.

What's wrong with the debate?

Putting him on the stage with you
gives him credibility.

And he can be funny, sir.
Funny is your weakness.

- Huh?
- N-Not weakness.

Uh, uh, lesser strength.

- Oh, get out!
- Yeah.

Out of your eye line or...

Just get out! Out!

- Dyer, Cloud, break his leg!
- Yes, sir.

- They know I'm kidding, don't they?

I'm kidding! I'm just kidding!

Sally! Sally!

Sal!

Uh, I'm coming. Stay there.

Froggy. Green boy.

What?

Sally!

Sally.! Come on.!

The frog is empty.

There's nothing in it...

except frog.

Got a rock particle in my eye now!

My eye hurts.! I need a hug.!

Sally, just...

For a little bit, we're gonna talk.

Ow! Wh... This?

This was a joke.

It was a bad joke.

It's a little bit... funny.

Go to sleep, and maybe...

maybe we'll meet in our dreams.

Like... Like you can
connect a Nintendo...

from one player to the next player.

I'm blowing you a kiss.
It's by the window.

And you can tomorrow get it...
when you wake up.

Brush your teeth,
and then you go get it.

All right.

I'm going home. I hurt my eye.

Home. See my doggy.

- Hey, wait up.!
- See you inside, okay?

- Right. All right.
- See you tomorrow, Sam.

Testing, testing. Can you all hear me?

- Sally!
- Hey, Dina.

- What took ya?
- Come in directly.

Would you stop sweating?

It goes with hyperventilating.

We're all set, Eagle.

You'll be stage right,
showing your best side.

Talking points.
Issue cheat sheets.

Wherever possible,
tell 'em about your experience.

Demonstrate all the resources
that you can bring to Mooseport.

I'm not afraid of you.

- I can't feel my feet.
- Your feet are fine.

- I can't feel 'em.
- Don't be a weenie. Now, shape up.

- Is my hair sticking up?
- Turn around.

- Put it down already.
- Okay, shut your eyes, baby. Shut your eyes.

What? Stop it, stop it!

Look at us, Handy.
Motels are full. Stores are packed.

Do you realize that this is Mooseport's
first traffic jam since... ever!

We gotta have a second debate.
How 'bout it?

- No!
- Mr. President! Hey-yo!

My nose is making a whistling noise.

- Hey, Handy.!

- Sorry.

My fellow Americans...

welcome to the first of two
televised mayoral debates.

In the grand old
Mooseport tradition...

a game of rock-paper-scissors will
determine who will answer questions first.

Gentlemen.

- Show 'em how it's done.
- Handy.

Mr. President.

You know the rules.

Rock, paper, scissors.

Okay? On the count of three.

Go get 'im, Eagle.!

One, two, three.

- Rock-rock. Tie. Go again.

- Paper.!
- I'd do scissors.!

- Back to rock.!
- Come on, focus.!

Good luck, Mr. President.!

- Come on, Handy.!
- One, two, three.

- Paper-paper. Tie. Go again.

- Rock!
- Paper.!

Rock.! Rock.! Rock.!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Focus!

One, two, three!

- Oh, come on!

Rock breaks scissors!
The president wins!

I am now prepared to
entertain questions from the floor.

- I got one.
- Clay?

Uh, some of them
environment people...

have taken to callin'
Ned Barker's pond a wetlands.

I been fishing there for 30 years.
What's gonna happen?

- Good question.

Clay...

I was the most environmentally conscious
president since Teddy Roosevelt.

Human population will not threaten
wildlife in this area...

for 200 years, if ever.

So you go right on fishing
in that pond...

and if anybody tries to stop you,
you send 'em to me.

Right on, Mr. President!

Handy?

Come on, Handy. Come on.

That's well put, Mr. President.

It sounds good to me.

- All right, Handy.

All right.! Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, Handy, come on.

- I got a question.
- My turn.! My turn.!

- Morris.! Over here.!
- Uh, Frances?

Uh, for 10 years now...

we have needed a stop sign
in front of Lucy Decker's house.

Nyah, nyah, nyah.

She has done everything except
burn down City Hall to stop it.

If elected,
what will you do about it?

First off...

I would convene a commission
to study the problem.

I would appoint a blue-ribbon panel...

of traffic specialists, right-of-way attorneys
and the Army Corps of Engineers...

to assess the situation
and make recommendations.

I would spare no effort to make
our streets the safest in the world.

All right!

Go get 'im, Eagle.!

- Handy, your turn.
- Gotta go for it.!

That's well put, Mr. President.

Lucy, let me ask you,
what's the problem?

Car headlights.

Ten years ago they tried a stop sign.

When cars on Bay Street stopped, their
headlights stopped right on my headboard.

- Have you tried curtains?

- Excuse me?
- You know, blackout curtains
for your windows.

- You'd probably sleep better, anyway.

Well, I'd try that.
Nobody ever suggested that.

Well, you come by the store
and we'll help you out.

- Good thinking, Handy.!
- I'll do that.

That's it, Handy! You tell 'em!

- That-a-way, Handy.!

- Dad. Dad.
- Mandy Gutman?

Dad, this is a question for Handy.
Is that okay?

Well, if the president has no objection.

I reserve the right to respond,
but no objection.

Okay, Mandy.

Handy, I was just wondering...

now that Sally is dating the president...

Does that mean
that you're available?

Okay, people, can we keep the questioning
to the subject of the election?

I think Joe had a question...

Actually, Morris,
I'd like to address the issue, if I might.

Thank you.
Uh, thanks, Mandy, for that question.

Sally...

I know I might not be
the best boyfriend, but...

I thought we had
a good thing going here.

You gotta know how much
I care about you, right?

Why else do you think I got so mad
about the underwear with the president?

Underwear? Tell us about the underwear!
Was it a thong?

- Mr. President, what about it?
- No, no, no, no.!

No, it's color...
it's a color thing.

- Sally!

What's the deal?
Are you going out with him or me?

- Go for the Eagle.!

- Eagle.! Eagle.! Eagle.!
- Sally, pick the president.!

- Eagle! Eagle! Eagle! Eagle!
- Stop it. Stop it.!

- Come on, Sally.! Choose Handy.!

- Sally, which one is it gonna be?
- Handy.! Handy.!

- Handy.! Handy.! Handy.! Handy.! Handy.!
- Sally!

- Sal...

Excuse me. Excuse me!

Sally. Sally!

- Sally.
- Are you crazy?

You didn't answer the phone,
and you took the key out of the frog.

- I can't believe you did that.
- What I said up there,
doesn't that mean anything?

I heard you talking about my underwear
in front of the whole town.

The whole country. That's how much I care.
You didn't answer the question.

- What question?
- Is it me or him?

Is it me or your new truck? Don't try
to make this about me. It's about you!

- How is that about me?
- Ohh...

- Miss Mannis! Miss Mannis!

Man, she pushed you right down.

Yeah, she's stronger than me.

- It's not about me. It's about you!
- How is that about me?

Well, you heard it here first.

It looks like Sally is going to cast
her ballot in favor of the president.

I'm Christy Adams, TVNN News.

Yeah, baby, you're going down.

So, what do you think?
Should I set up another date?

- Why not?
- Excuse me.

Grace?

Grace? Well, what's her problem?

Maybe she saw the numbers.

You may have done all right with the girl,
but the debate was a disaster.

- What are you talking about?
This is impossible.
- It's a small town, Eagle.

The rules are different here.

Uh, well, you guys are the hotshots.
Brainstorm.

Well?

Uh... sir?

- Excuse me. Mr. President?
- Yes?

- We could eliminate him.
- What?

You wanna make it look like an accident,
of course. Maybe his brakes could go out.

- Oh, my God.
- Or he could slip on an oil slick.

What, are you insane?

Uh, no, sir, I was...
I was just brainstorming.

Did I misunderstand the question?

Thank God
you guys are on our side.

- Thank you, sir.
- Thank you, sir.

- Uh...
- Hello.

Small-town politics. Oh, boy.

Well...

- I like three sugars.
- You only need one.

- I like three.
- Three's unhealthy.

- What's eating you?
- Eating me?

Yes. Somehow you seem irked.

- Irked. Really?
- Really.

Well, actually, I am a little bit irked,
now that you mention it.

- Would you like to know why?
- Absolutely.

Sit down there, Grace,
and tell me all about it. Okay?

Well...

when you... when we
first came to live here, l...

- Yes?
- Excuse me, Mr. President.

Excuse me.
Could we have a minute here, please?

Sorry, Eagle.
We have an emergency.

- Unless somebody's dying, Bert,
I don't wanna hear about it.
- It's Charlotte.

She's coming here.

Howdy. Handy for mayor.

Vote for Handy.

Go to court.
Get a restraining order.

Come on, people.
We gotta do something about this.

- The sure way, sir?
- Dyer, this is too smart for her.

Who thought of this?
It was him, wasn't it? Yeah.

- Grace, I'll handle this.
- Yes.

Handy Harrison. That's right.
That's who I'm campaigning for.

Vote for Handy.

I had dignity once.

Does anybody remember that?

- Handy for mayor.

Why aren't you campaigning for the president?
Did Handy put you up to this?

Hello, Monroe.
What brought you here?

Charlotte, hon,
could we talk in private, please?

This is as private as I got for 20 years.
What's on your mind?

Well, sweetie,
if we could just talk alone...

- I'm sure we could work something out.
- Howdy! Handy for mayor!

- Could we go inside, please?
- Fine.

Why do you think
she's here, Mr. President?

- Okay, Neil. That oughta do it.
- Stand back, please.

The president's coming.
Hide the payroll benefits.

- Charlotte, would you step into my office?
- Yes, dear.

- Charlotte...
- Married couples have a shorthand, Monroe.

Ours is nine million dollars.

- Nine? I don't have it!
- Twenty-five years.

A quarter of a century I endured,
and now you're pleading poverty?

You took the house, the boat.

You've taken everything but my title.

Hello. This is former First Lady
Charlotte Cole.

I spent 25 years
with Monroe Cole...

which is why I'm supporting
Handy Harrison.

Yes, you heard me.
I'm supporting Handy Harrison.

Eagle?

Have I gotten through to you,
lambkins?

I never thought you'd stoop
this low, Harrison.

I thought this was gonna be a fair fight
between two honorable men...

but I can see now that I'm up against
somebody who doesn't play by the rules.

- Have you no sense of decency, sir?
- I'm sorry.

Talk about hitting below the belt.
Bringing a man's ex-wife into it.

You're showing your true colors,
aren't you?

- Hey! I had nothing to do with this.

Mr. President! Mr. President!
- Watch your back.

That's it. I've had it. I want 'em both.
Be thinking about a way to do it, Dyer.

Sir.

- Is he serious? 'Cause I thought...
- No, no, no!

Mr. President!
You want a fair fight?

You just called me dishonorable,
sir, a-a-and I'm not.

So if it's a fair fight you want...

just you and me...

I think I know the place.

You're on.

What are we doing here, Harrison?
What are the stakes?

- Mayor?
- No, sir.

Sally. Loser backs off of Sally.

- We're both 10 handicaps, sir.
- Sir...

- Fair fight.
- You're on.

- If I could just talk to you
for a quick second...
- Show me the way.

Sir, there's something I'd like to discuss
with you about your ga...

Eye line.

Nice shot.

- Thank you.
- A little bit left.

Right where I was aiming.

- I might drive the green.

Hello! Wait for me!

- What are you doing here?
- Just making sure a fair fight's fair.

Call them out, Mr. Dyer.

I'm, uh, sorry, ma'am?

Cloud!
You and your men, come on out!

Oh, shit.

Come on!
I know you're there!

All right, come on out.

Everyone onto the fairway.

Let's move. On the fairway.
On the fairway.

We're securing the perimeter, Mrs. Cole!

Secure it from there. Okay?

Yes, ma'am.

Stay in position.

Hit away, lambkins.

Wait... W-Wait for the bounce.

Damn. Take a mulligan.

We're playing for a woman, sir.
There's no mulligans.

What? What do I do?

- You've never hit a ball out of bounds before?
- Not since I was governor.

You hit another one from here,
shooting three.

- Three?
- Three.

One, two...

Shooting three.

- Excuse me, Mr. President.
- What?

You can't beat him, sir.

What are you talking about?
We're the same handicap.

Well, your handicap...
is augmented.

- What are you trying to say?
- Well, it was really Miss Sutherland's idea.

She had Dyer and Cloud...

and occasionally me...
uh, we helped you...

with lucky bounces
and score card fudging.

Uh, you can't beat him, sir.

Is there a problem?

No.

No problem.

That one's in.

Didn't quite get it on the green.

No, l-l-I'll take it.

You two have helped enough.

Hi, Peggy.
Can I get a black coffee?

Sure.

Hello.

Hello.

- Here you are, dear.
- Thanks.

So, I hear they're golfing for mayor.

Actually...

they're golfing for you.

- No.
- Yeah.

- No.
- Mmm.

Can I make this an Irish coffee?

This okay?

Just...

Oh, that's a five.

- That was a gimme.

No, no, no.
There are no gimmes.

- It was inside the leather.
- Yeah, you gotta get it in the hole.

- I'll take a seven.

Actually, it's 15.

Fifteen?

- No way!
- Yes way.

- The president is right. It's seven.
- Yeah, it was seven.

Well, let's count 'em.

One, out of bounds.
Two, back on the tee.

Three, in the rough.

Four, in the sand.

- Five, you missed completely.
- Oh!

Six, uh, almost out of sand,
but still in it.

Seven, finally out of the sand...

into that sand.

Eight, out of the sand,
into the rough.

That's when you threw your club
at the tree. Yeah.

Yeah.

Nine, you almost hit me.

Ten, you did hit me.

Eleven, on the green.
Twelve, you putt to six feet past the hole.

- That's when you said that curse
that I've never heard before.

Thirteen, you putt to one foot
from the hole.

Fourteen, you missed the putt.
You said, "That's a gimme. '"

I said,
"No, there are no gimmes. '"

Fifteen, in the hole.

Fifteen.

- Oh.! That was so close.!

All right, now,
through the sugars...

Mm-hmm.

And then around the saucer...

Mm-hmm.

And through the ketchup tunnel.

And the winner gets Morris Gutman.

- Married.
- Oh. Kent.

Are you trying to get me
to throw the match?

- Mmm. Reuben.
- Who? Who's Reuben?

"I said, get the president!"

That's a great idea.

The winner gets Reuben.

Ready?

I just need a do-over.

Okay, Handy, you're up
about a million strokes.

It's the last hole.
How about double or nothing?

What's "double"?
What's "nothing"?

Well, "nothing" is, uh,
we're even, tie, status quo.

Uh, "double" would be, uh, I back off Sally,
drop out of the mayor's race.

You got it. Okay.
Go ahead. You hit.

But, you know...

if I'm gonna risk, uh, all that...

you gotta give me something.

You gotta, uh...
Oh, I don't know...

What?

One throw.

- Throw?
- Yeah, I get one throw.

Because I can't play you even. You got
local knowledge here. You're killing me.

He can't throw either.
Bury him.

Okay. You get one throw.

But if we tie, I win.

Well, you drive a hard bargain,
but okay.

Yeah, baby.!

There's the old form back.

Okay.

What?

Hey, what... what are you doing?

Hey! What's that?

I said one throw.
I didn't say whose ball.

- You're out of bounds.

Click, click, click.

Good morning, sir.
Everything all right?

Oh, just dandy.

I'm a 10 handicap,
and I shot a 142.

You and I have to have a serious talk
about my handicap, Miss Sutherland.

Now, Mr. President?

Later.

I heard you broke even.
At least you didn't lose.

The most humiliating round
of my life.

Time to take the gloves off, Bert.
Let's bury this guy.

- Well, sir, he's clean as a whistle.
- Oh, come on.

Surely he did something.

Knocked up a local,
grew marijuana.

Hell, I grew marijuana.

We'll find dirt, Eagle,
even if we have to make it up.

- Exactly.
- I don't believe this.

What?

Mr. President.

- I'm giving my notice.
- Your notice?

Yes. I can't work here any longer.

Are you drunk, for God's sakes?
We've been together 15 years.

Yes, exactly.

And in all that time you have
never once gone negative.

At least not first.

And you have never, ever stooped
to threats or... harassment.

Grace, he brought in Charlotte.

Charlotte.
If that's not harassment, what is?

Mr. President, you have two days...

two hours and 21 minutes...

until this election is over.

And then I'm gone.

What's that?

I think she quit, sir.

Not that. That.

Oh, this? It's a new poll.
Five points.

- Five?
- Down.

What's the sample size?

Come on, Bert.
What's the sample size?

- Everybody.
- Everybody? This is a disaster.!

Not to pile on, sir, but I'm worried
about the book deals too.

Aw, crap. It's like
some mythic Greek puzzle.

"The riddle of the handyman.
Somewhere, the answer."

Sir, let's not panic.
This isn't over.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

- What's wrong with us?
- What?

- I'll give it to him. It's that simple.
- Wait. You don't mean quit.

- I'll give it to him. It's that simple.
- Wait. You don't mean quit.

You can't quit, Eagle.

I wouldn't be quitting.
That's the beauty of it.

I'll say how qualified he is,
how he's the best man for the job.

And tonight, at the debate,
I'll throw him my support.

If I win, I win.

But if I lose, it's because I made the most
magnanimous gesture in political history...

and people took my advice.

- That's brilliant, sir.
- Thank you.

And then I'd get the girl. Uh...

- Sally.
- Sally! Right.

- Sally. Hey, hi. I'm... I'm here.

I'm getting ready for the debate.
You wanna come in?

No, I'm gonna get goin'. See ya.

Hold it. What's going on?

What's all this stuff?

Oh. I, um...

I won Reuben in a putting contest...

so I have to make room
for some of his stuff.

- You... what?
- I know.

I mean, can you imagine someone
actually playing golf to win a person?

- Now, look...
- No.

Don't insult me by trying
to defend this...

'cause if I let myself dwell on it,
I am really gonna lose it.

- But, Sally, it wasn't...
- I said don't.

- Easy.
- I just wanna settle this amicably. Okay?

- There's your stuff.
- My stuff? Wh...

Hold on, hold on. This is yours.

Remember?

From me. Christmas.

Don't you remember?

That was the year the power went out.
We had that big snowstorm.

We were so frustrated.
We couldn't turn this on and watch it.

Then the power came back
and we turned it on, and...

and you looked so beautiful...

by the light of it.

And then we...

You know.

By the light of it.

I remember.

And then we stayed up all night
and talked.

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you remember
what we talked about?

No.

The future.

We talked about the future, Handy.

Sally, wait.

I don't wanna wait anymore.

Good luck at the debate.

Are you coming?

She's not coming.

All right, guys, that's it.
Two minutes. We go in two minutes.

Two minutes, Mr. President.
Excuse me, sir.

My hands are shaking. I can't even go
to the bathroom. I'll pee all over the place.

Relax, honey.

- I'm not ready for this.
- Two minutes, Handy.

- Yeah.
- Be on your toes. Be sharp.

You may have won the first debate,
but he's a python.

Gentlemen, I believe we're ready.

It's starting!

Live, from the seaport
town of Mooseport, Maine...

the mayoral debates...

with your candidates
Monroe "Eagle" Cole...

and Harold "Handy" Harrison.

We take you now to your moderator,
Avery Hightower.

Good evening.
I'm Avery Hightower.

I am honored to moderate...

the second and final
Mooseport mayoral debate.

As is tradition, we will start
with a game of rock-paper-scissors...

- Handy! Not scissors.

Gentlemen.

Uh, Mr. Hightower, could l...

I'd like to make a statement first,
if that's okay.

Mr. President?

No, that's fine.
I have a statement also.

- Just... Okay? Thank you.
- Yes. Gentlemen.

Hey. Hi, everybody.

- Hi, Handy.
- I just wanna say one thing.

I'm a little embarrassed...

about the way
I've been running my campaign.

- Ohh!

An election,
it shouldn't be about personalities.

You know? Or... Or golf.

- Or who we're dating.

Sally, if you're watching this...

I was wrong to bring
our relationship into this.

I'm sorry.

Mmm.

I guess I did it again. I just brought
our relationship into it again.

- So I'm sorry for that...

too.

I guess what I want to say,
folks, is...

I think an election should be
about the town, about what we need...

and how we can work together
to get things done.

The president can do
great things for us.

- Son of a...
- Bitch.

Having him as a mayor, that's an
opportunity that we can't pass up, folks.

Yeah. Right.!

Tomorrow morning
I'm going to the polls...

and I'm casting my vote
for the president...

Monroe Cole...

for the mayor of Mooseport.

Son of a bitch!

Ladies and gentlemen...

what you've just seen...

is a selfless act.

Handy Harrison...

is... Mooseport.

He... He is Mooseport.

He knows its problems,
he knows its pulse...

he knows its plumbing...

as only a person
who lives here can.

So tomorrow morning...

I'm going to the polls.

I'm walking into that booth
and opening that ballot...

that simple piece of paper...

that our forefathers
gave their lives to secure...

And I'm casting my vote
for Harrison.

Harold "Handy" Harrison.
Let's hear it.!

- Man, he's good.
- Mm-hmm.

Well, what you've just seen, ladies
and gentlemen, is politics at its finest.

- Politics as it should be.

- You did good.
- I felt like I had to do that.

- Harrison.
- Hey. That was something, Mr. President.

You son of a bitch. You knew I was
gonna do that, so you did it first.

- I didn't know that. How could I know that?
- You bugged me!

What we have just witnessed here,
on this rare night...

- You bugged me!
- I'm not doing anything!

- Is a show of decency...
- Let me go!

- A show of inclusiveness...
- Ow.! Let go of my arm.!

A show of mutual respect.

- Let go of me!

It's time to follow their example.
It's time to...

- Let go of me.!

- Let go of me.!

Mr. President, are you okay?
I'm gonna get it off!

Oww.! Bullard.! Get it off me.!

So, Danny,
you see that debate last night?

- Did I. Was anybody hurt?
- What?

Miraculously not. Apparently
only minor bruises and abrasions.

- What happened?
- They're saying it was a freak accident.

Yeah, very freaky.

Apparently,
the stage rigging snapped...

and fell on the candidates
while they were shaking hands.

- Wow. Well, you know what we say.
- It's Mooseport.!

Polls open in 20 minutes,
Mr. President.

- How about
a little music to vote by?
- Good idea.!

Good morning, sir.

Morning, Mr. President.

- Cloud, pull over here, will you.

How's your nose?

It's okay. How's your lip?
And your back?

It's just the lip, and, uh...

it's fine.

Well, I just...

assumed your back hurt...

with, you know,
Irma jumping on it.

Well...

see you at the polls.

Wanna hit a few?

What, just hit 'em into the water?

Yeah.

Martha's into scuba...

and in the spring she puts on a wet suit
and she goes and gets 'em.

Somehow or another,
I can't picture Martha in a wet suit.

Yeah, well, you're lucky.
I can't not picture it.

All right.

Oh.! You topped,
pulled and hooked it all in one.

Here. Let me show you...

Mr. President,
you've shaken a lot of hands.

- Shake hands with the club.
- Like this?

Yes.
Now, just look at the ball...

and picture like
it's the former first lady.

Just whack it.

Blood-sucking vampire.

Aah!

Wow.! You two had issues.

Oh, Jesus!

So, uh...

how come you didn't ask her?

- Ask her what?
- You know.

Oh. Well...

I don't know.
I probably should have.

Scared, I guess.

Well, marriage is a scary thing.

I'd be the first one to tell you that.

But once in a while there comes along
that special girl.

No, I mean, that's just it.
She is special.

I just figured...

eventually...

she'll find somebody else.

And, you know, you always hope
that next guy will be some loser...

not the president.

Handy, on the 16th hole
of our match...

you laid up.

Yeah. I remember. I did.

- You played it safe.
- So? You ended up in the water.

I never would have been president
of the United States...

if I'd laid up.

Sometimes you just gotta
go for the green.

Let's go vote.

- Out of the way.!
- Here he is.!

- Hold them back!

Mr. President, over here.!
Please, we have some questions.!

Good morning,
ladies and gentlemen. Please step back.

No comments today.
No questions.

- Okay, thanks.
- Thank you.

- Okay.
- Please.! One question.!

Kindly walk in over there.

The pageantry of democracy is working.

That's why we love Mooseport
so much.

Once a politician...

always a politician.

It's 10 minutes past the hour...

and there are 20 minutes left before
the polls close in Mooseport, Maine.

With the former president's campaign
spending millions...

on TV, radio and print advertising...

it's an amazing feat that Handy Harrison's
grass-roots campaign...

still has him neck-and-neck...

It was so beautiful.

- Hello.
- Oh.

Spectacular, isn't it?

- I was thinking about...
- For once don't talk, please.

- What?
- Just listen. Okay? Can you do that?

A long while back...

my mom asked me
what I saw in you.

You probably find it hard to believe
that anybody could ask such a thing...

but she did.

"I see a man I admire," I told her.

"A flawed man, certainly,
but a man with principles."

Since this Handy thing...

I've seen a man...

who only cares about ego and power...

a man who will stoop to anything...

to win a position
he doesn't even want...

from someone he probably
shouldn't even beat.

And it angers me, and it upsets me.

- Oh, and mostly it just makes me sad.
- Grace...

Because... you used to be
better than that, Monroe.

You really were.

And that is no handshake,
you son of a bitch.

Sugar, Mr. President?

Oh, uh, three, please.

No, no, no. One.

- Good morning, Mr. President.
- Good morning.

Where's Grace?

- I don't know, sir.
- Could you find her, please?

Yes, sir. Let's go.

Eagle, we gotta get moving. They want you
down in town for the announcement.

Announcement? I can't expose myself to
an announcement without knowing who won.

They won't tell me, Eagle.

I've done everything
short of bribing them...

with a year's supply
of beer and night crawlers...

but I'll get down there
and work on it.

Get on that toga and get down
to that circus, Eagle.

Please, sir.

Sally, um...

Handy.! You back here?

- Uh, hey.
- It's time, man.

- Yeah, I know.
- Don't you want to find out
if you won or lost... badly?

- I'm gonna... Yeah, go ahead.
- No, I'll wait for ya.

- I'm gonna meet you there.
- I want to.
- No, go.

You're my ride, man.
Come on!

Okay. All right. Let's go.

In a few moments...

Former President Cole and Harold
"Handy" Harrison are due to arrive.

Will big politics and big money carry
the day, or will the little man prevail?

- We shall soon see.
- Testing.! Testing, testing.!

We're just about ready to start.

And, uh... Ah! I think I see
the president coming now!

- Whoo-hoo!

- And, oh, there's Handy.

- Hey... Hey, did you see Sally?
- No.

- Hmm. Well, when you see her,
just let me know. Okay?
- Okay, okay.

Mr. President, Handy,
just come up here. Okay?

- Sir, the yellow speech is if you win.
- Okay.

The blue one is if you, uh...

Should I get out of your eye line, sir?

Ah, come on, boy.

- Hey! How you doing?
- How you doin'?

They're all here.

Thank you, sir. Again?

Yeah!

- Handy, you're the man.!

We need you, Mr. President!

In the 240-year history
of our fair Mooseport...

there has never been
a more exciting mayoral race!

Mr. President? Handy?

My fellow citizens,
the new mayor of Mooseport is...

Monroe Cole!

- Congratulations.
- Oh. Thank you.

As I'm sure you all know, this was
Mooseport's largest election turnout ever!

- How big a margin?
- Tight. Real tight.

But the win's the thing.

- It was so close.
- Well, that's something.

- Right?
- Yeah.

In the end, the president won...

by one vote!

- You won by one vote.

One vote? Oh, my God.

It doesn't get any closer.!

Wow.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- My vote.

The 23rd mayor of Mooseport...

Monroe "Eagle" Cole!

- Thank you, Morris.

Thank you, everybody.

Ladies and gentlemen...

once again...

the great American electoral process...

has...

Folks...

you know...

a little while ago a person
who has been with me for years...

a person who I trust
like no one else...

reminded me of my principles.

Shook some sense into me.

So I have a confession to make.

I said...

that I would vote for Handy.

L-I didn't. I voted for myself.

- What?

So my first act as mayor...

is to turn the job over to
the rightful winner, Handy Harrison.

Handy, come on over here.
Let's hear it for Handy.

Go, Handy.! All right.!

Whoo! All right!

- Come on.
- Handy.! Handy.!

- Ah!
- Mr. President, l...

Attaboy, Handy.!

Folks, I have a confession
to make also.

- I voted for myself too.
- What?

You won this thing fair and square,
Mr. President.

So my first act as mayor is to turn
the job back over to the rightful winner...

Mr. Monroe Cole!

- Yeah! Yeah!

Hmph!

There's no beating you, is there?

Not on this one, sir.

All right, I accept.

No, he won.

Well, tell HarperCollins
Random House is back up to 20 mil.

Yes, please do.

And tell them to send me half.

- See you in D.C.

- Any sign of her?
- Yes, sir. Agent Cloud found her.
She's at the airport.

Airport? Come on.
Let's get moving.

Look, Sally, uh, I don't know...

- Uh...
- Hey, Handy.

- Nice try.
- Oh, thank you.

- Hi, Handy.
- Hi, Sophie. Hi.

Look, Sally...

How you doin'?

God, just... just do it.

- Just...
- Hey, Handy!

I just saw what you did!
I couldn't believe it!

Thank you, Reuben. Yeah.

I voted for you! Ah!

Oh... Oh, well...
You don't even like me. Sorry.

Oh, God.

Huh? What?

Oh... no.

No. No.
Please, please, please.

No!

Oh, nice!

Ladies and gentlemen...

Trans Capital Flight 27
to Dulles has been delayed.

- Please bear with us.

We'll let you know as soon as we know.

Grace?

- Grace.
- Here, Mr. President.

Is that him?

What are you doing here?

I gave my notice. Remember?

Oh, Grace. Come back.

No.

No.

Grace, look at me.

I'll never have more than one sugar in my
coffee the rest of my life if you'll have me.

And no salt.

The former president
of the United States...

is down on his knees.

- Yeah.!
- All right.!

That's no handshake either.

- I'll go down on my knees again...
- No. No, no.

You certainly took your time.

What if my plane had left?

Oh, you haven't heard.

I'm the mayor now.

This is Cloud. Clear the flight.

Turns out that I have a little bit
of pull here at this airport now.

Flight 27 passengers...

we've now been cleared for takeoff.

- Congratulations, Mr. President.

That would be congratulations,
Mr. Mayor.

- Congratulations, Mr. Mayor!
- Great.

Thanks, Mr. Mayor.!

Congratulations, Mr. Mayor.

Come on!

- Oh!

You doing the plumbing
for the whole town now?

No, I came to see you.

- Through the drain?
- Just one second.

Look, Sally...

I was gonna prepare
this whole speech...

What?

I was gonna prepare
this whole speech...

but I think it's better
if I just say this out of the moment.

All right.

The truth is, you're beautiful.

And you're smart and wonderful.

And...

And I'm not... I'm not.

- Handy...
- Hang on, 'cause I'm...
I'm in the moment now.

This whole thing, it's made me take
a pretty hard look at myself.

And I'm not smart,
a-and I'm not beautiful, but...

but, hell, I just beat
the most popular president in history.

So...
Maybe I'm okay.

Almost.

You almost beat him.

Sally, between me and you...
just our little secret... I beat him.

Do you think I would've voted for myself
after I told the whole town I wouldn't?

You gave it away?

Why?

Because he needs it. I don't.

L...

I only need you.

That's...

That's my speech.

Oh, Handy.

Hold on. I got...

I got you something.

- Dirt?
- No, it's...

- It's... It's dirty, but...
- Oh.

Look, I don't know how you feel...

- Is that a "yes" kiss?
- Yes.

It's dirty, but it's...
it's really... it's beautiful.

- It's beautiful.
- It's, uh, big and...

That's not just one diamond. There's diamonds
on the side. There's diamonds and mud.

Oh, did I say in the speech... I forgot
the whole part about how much I love you.

I didn't say it, but yes... I didn't...
You know, there's no...

I didn't make a word thing out of it,
but you can't even measure it.

It's like...
Like, if you take the sun...

You could take the heat
from that sun, and you...

If you put all of that
in a love container, you'd...

Got it.

- Did you get it?
- Yes.

But you said yes anyway,
so this is all extra, like a bonus.

- Let's go.
- My heart's beating fast.

- Plunger, come on!

- Come on.!
- How'd it get in the sewer?

- Oh, that's... You know.
Things just happen to me.

Did I happen to notice
you're wearing a thong?

- Oh.! Oh.!

Oh, my God.! Are you okay?

You did it again.

I barely touched you.

Okay, look, if this marriage
is gonna work...

you're gonna have to realize
how strong you are.

You're stronger than me.
Just accept it.

- I'm not stronger than you.
- Yes, you are.

- I'm a girl.
- That's right.

So it hurts physically and emotionally.
Come on, boys.

Oh. What about this?

- Bow on my head.
- A bow on your... In white, I would buy it.

- No, I'm serious.
- Excuse me, ladies.

- Is Handy around?
- Handy.

You got company.

Hey. How you doin'?

Congratulations, Handy.

You almost beat the most
popular president in history.

- Oh, well, thank you. No hard feelings, right?
- Are you kidding?

Let me cut to the chase.

- What are you doing in about two years?
- What do you mean?

How does Governor Harrison
sound to you?

Governor?

No. Thank you.

We've got a real possibility here.

Listen, thank you very much.
I appreciate that you're thinking about me.

But, um, I'm kinda happy
right where I am.

Well, I'll respect that.

Okay.

Have a good day.

Hey, uh, hold on one second.

Let me just ask you.

- Can a governor...

Kinda tell a mayor what to do?

Oh, yeah.

- Oww!