Wedding Present (1936) - full transcript

Come on, Steve! You're
supposed to be a speed cop.

Let's have some speed. I've
got to get to the Globe Express.

What's the big news, Rusty?

The big news is that I've got
to hurry. I'm late for a wedding.

This is Haley of the Globe Express.
Have you seen Charlie Mason?

No? Well, if you see him, tell him
to rush right over to the office.

Pete Stagg
is having hysterics.

Wait till I get a hold
of that tramp.

Do you want me
to take the assignment?

No. If you can't find Mason, why
doesn't somebody find Rusty Fleming?

My guess is, she's wherever
he is. They're like that.



Like what, darling?

Do you know
where Charlie Mason is?

Yes, I know.

Then what are you
standing there for?

Go get him.
Tell him he's fired.

Tell him to get over to the
St. Andrews' Hotel right away

and get that story
about the Archduke.

Which shall I tell him?

Some day I'll fire him
and you, too!

And this time
you'll stay fired.

You won't get to the front
office to talk your way out of it.

You'll find yourselves
out on the street

with my footprints
all over you.

And if you think I'm talking just
for the sake of hearing myself talk...



She's gone, Mr. Stagg.

Do you solemnly swear

that the statements
contained in this affidavit

are true,
so help you God?

Yes, sir.
$3, please.

Here's your marriage license.
Next.

The name is Mason,
Charlie Mason.

I'm sorry I can't
shake hands with you, but...

Where's your affidavit blank?

Blank?

Yeah, I did have some
kind of a blank, didn't I?

Let me see now. Do you mind?

Thank you. There.

Say, are you crazy?

No, only happy.

Does that look like an
affidavit blank to you?

Now that you mention it,
it doesn't.

No, it doesn't!

Don't be harsh with me.
I'm sensitive.

Go fill out
an affidavit blank,

and get back
to the end of the line.

Oh, be a good fellow and
fill one out for me, will you?

Nothing doing.
The end of the line. Next.

The age of chivalry is dead.

As for you, sir, I thank you. Maybe
we shall meet again in a future life.

If we ever do, I shall be happy
to hold your bundles for you.

I'm much obliged.

Get those bundles
out of here.

What do you think this is? Go
check them in the cloak room.

Such manners. Such manners.

Rusty.

What have you got?

Oh, you nut! Wearing that coat for
a wedding at the County Clerk's.

I like to do things right.
How does it look?

Fine, but you'd better let me
take off the price tag.

What is all this?

Well, fire irons.

What is home
without a fireplace?

And what's a fireplace
without fire irons?

And a vacuum cleaner. You
gotta have a vacuum cleaner.

And rambler roses. You've
always liked rambler roses.

Yes, but climbing up the
side of a house, you goof.

Well, all right,
we have the roses.

All we need
is a side of a house.

Wait a minute,
I'll make a note of it.

Listen, Charlie.

I know that any day
is a total loss to you

unless you pull
at least three gags,

and I love you for it. I
wouldn't have you any other way.

But...
Come on, Rusty, be yourself.

Don't go solemn on a guy just
because you're marrying him.

Charlie,
tomorrow or any other day,

you can ride a white mule
up the City Hall steps

and I'll ride it with you,
but today is different.

I'll spend the rest of my life
with you being crazy,

but let's not have
a crazy wedding day.

Sure, Rusty, sure. You want me to be
serious? All right, I'll be serious.

And the most serious thing in
my life right now is to kiss you.

Wouldn't you think there'd be
a little privacy here?

Hey, you! Keep an eye on
these till we get back.

Oh, let me tender my congratulations.
I represent Dobbin and Dobbin.

I suppose at this moment
you are thinking

of that happy little home
which you're going to furnish.

Now, let me tell you
of my easy payment plan.

Not interested!

Oh, but surely
the little woman is.

Are your easy payments
really easy?

Easy? They're the easiest
in Chicago.

Say, we've got couples that've been
married for 10 years that are still paying.

I'll tell you what.
I'm kind of busy right now,

but if you'll
drop into my office tomorrow,

I'll give you an order.
My name's Pete Stagg.

I'm the City Editor
on the Globe Express.

I'll be there, Mr. Stagg,
without fail.

Well, now that you've nicely
arranged to get us fired...

Oh, that's tomorrow.

Look, I've got to certify that
we're not idiots or insane.

Do you have to swear to it?

Come on, Rusty.

Say, I didn't know
marriage was so popular.

Do you solemnly swear
that the statements...

Say, what's the matter
with you?

You've got the date of your
birth down here August 4th, 1934.

That makes you two years old.

That's right. Next year, I'll be
eligible for the Kentucky Derby.

And if you were marrying
a girl like mine,

you'd feel that young
yourself.

The said persons
are not idiots or insane...

So you're both idiots
and insane?

Well, you decided
to tell the truth, didn't you?

What's the matter?
Don't you like that blank?

No, I don't. And what's more,
this is no place for clowning.

Oh, Charlie, you promised.

All right, Rusty. Maybe he'll
like this one better. There we are.

Yes, this one is in order.

Swell. Here's three bucks.

Give me one of your very best
marriage licenses.

What's the matter now?
Counterfeit money?

Nope, but take a look
at that clock.

Looks like an all right
clock to me. It is.

And if you'll look at it, you'll
see it's 5:00. That's closing time.

Aw, be a good fellow. I apologize.
That's fair enough, isn't it?

Come on, give me that
marriage license, huh?

With pleasure... tomorrow.

All right,
I know lots of places

where I can get a good
marriage license for two bucks.

And do you know where you
can get a girl to go with it?

Aw, Rusty, don't be sore. We'll
come back tomorrow and do this right.

I'll be as solemn
as seven owls.

Come on, don't make a guy feel
as though he had jilted you.

Don't be dull, Charlie.
I'm not sore.

I'm jilting you, my lad.

Why? Because I...

Because this thing called marriage
was never invented for us, Charlie.

We went haywire
when we thought it was.

What do you say we stay
almost married? Rusty...

Here, hold this.
I gotta make a phone call.

When you hear the tone,

the time will be two and
one half minutes after 5:00.

They're all yours.

We better hurry
and get that Archduke story.

See? I knew this coat would come
in handy for something, after all.

Say, how many of these things must
you eat before an Archduke comes out?

Lift up the lettuce.
He might be hiding.

Newspapermen. Newspapermen!
Winternitz, please, send them away.

But, Your Highness...
Send them away!

But, Your Highness, your
engagement to Miss Mainwaring,

it makes big news for them.

Am I the only man in America
that gets married?

But, Highness, she is one of
the richest women in America,

and you are an Archduke.
They are curious about you.

Yes, they ought to be curious
about any man who would marry that.

Newspapers!

They ought to put me in their
"Believe It Or Else Not. "

I'll bet she gives the Duke
four stars.

Sit down, sweetheart,
and let your arteries harden.

Two to one, it's a stooge.

Please, be patient.

His Highness, the Archduke Gustav
Ernest, will see you presently.

Well, what's
His Highness doing?

He's getting a high,
I'll bet.

What'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you?

But soon it will all be over,
Your Highness.

Miss Mainwaring's reception
and then the wedding,

and then...
Yes, and then...

Your Highness.

If you could only get those terrible
newspaper people out of the next room!

Wherever I go, they follow me
with their terrible questions!

If this is
a democratic country,

why doesn't the Archduke
have rights like other people?

Oh, Your Highness,
my name is Mason.

I'm the Assistant
Hotel Manager.

I don't care who you are.

This is Miss Fleming,
my... my assistant.

Oh, so...

You have a charming assistant,
Mr. Assistant Manager.

Yes, well, what I really
came for was to apologize

for the way the newspaper
people have been bothering you.

I think we can prevent that
in future.

You see, I have charge of
our relations with the Press.

Now, if you gave me
an interview,

I could send it out to all the papers
at once and spare you this annoyance.

But your American interviews,
I do not understand.

Oh, it's very simple, really.

Nothing to it.

Suppose we demonstrate.

You be a visiting prince
and I'll interview you.

All right, shoot.

Your Highness, what do you
think of our American women?

Ah, charming! But charming!

How does it feel
to fall out of love?

What do you mean? With whom?

With me, darling.

I never have.

Never have what?
Fallen in or out?

Pardon me, Your Highness.

My... my assistant was
just having her little joke.

Go on.
I'm beginning to enjoy this.

You're supposed to be
a prince, sap,

and you're supposed to be engaged
to Miss Mainwaring. Do you love her?

Ah, I refuse to answer on the
ground it would incriminate me.

Go on.
Your Highness,

what do you think of
the international situation?

Ah, charming!

Suppose I were to tell Your Highness
that while you're sitting here

waiting to be third-degreed by
a bunch of newspaper hoodlums,

that there's life, fun and gaiety
to be found in this town of Chicago?

What does Your Highness
say to that? Oh...

You must excuse
His Highness.

He's a little stupid, but a nice
fellow when you get to know him.

Maybe you'd rather sit here,
you mug,

but I know a little restaurant
that gets its brew from Pilsen,

and its pastry cook
comes from Bavaria.

And Tyrolean music.

Tyrolean music!

Oh, approach me to it.
You are saving my life.

But, Your Highness,
the newspapermen.

Well, we'll draw up a
statement while we're eating,

and when we get back, we can give
it to the newspaper people and...

Exactly. Winternitz, what
would I do if I stayed here?

You'd walk up and down and think. Good.

You walk up and down and think.
No, just walk up and down.

Once again in English,
just for us foreigners, huh?

Oh, sure.
Again, boys.

Foreigners.

Is this not
a carving bench?

Yes, this is a carving bench

Is this not
a monkey wrench?

Yes, this is a monkey wrench

Is this not
a horse's neck?

Yes, this is a horse's neck

Pretty cow, monkey wrench
Oh, you lovely carving bench

Mustache cup, little pup
Mackintosh, Monday wash

Fish's head, downy bed
Bike for two, lady's shoe

Oscar, stop the horses.
We got to go home.

Why, the night is only just
beginning to commence.

At 3:00 in the morning,
he commences.

Never mind, boys, my Uncle
Archiedukie is like that.

Go home to your wives.

But I don't want to go home.

I want to put wings on the horses
and fly to greet the sunrise.

What do your horses say
to that, Oscar?

My horses, they are yours.

I only got to deliver
these empties to the brewery.

No. Unless you can think of something
what topples all the rest, we go home.

Can you?
I can.

Two blocks ahead, Oscar,
then turn to the left,

then straight ahead
till you get to the beach.

Giddyap, Daisy.
Giddyap, Lulu.

Whoa! Wait a minute!

To the beach at this hour?

Sure, I'm taking you
to Gordon Blaker's house.

Just as I thought.
Nothing doing!

Who is this Mr. Blaker?
What makes Charlie so jealous?

He's an aviator who's been
giving me flying lessons.

In return for which he gets
his stupid picture in the paper.

He's a cheap publicity hound!

Not a cheap one, darling.

He has a nice
new $10,000 airplane.

We're going to wake him up,
go to the field

and then really fly
to greet that sunrise.

What do you say, Archie?

Me, I say yiddgap, Daisy!
Yiddgap, Lulu!

It's two against one, mister!
Giddyap, Daisy! Giddyap, Lulu!

Sorry,
but there's nobody home.

Oh, that guy's probably at a
masquerade, dressed up as an aviator.

Come on, let's go.
No.

I will sit a while and ride
this chair into the dawn.

Oh, I am happy,
so happy I could cry.

When I get to my hotel
tonight, I will cry.

Never have I seen
a night so beautiful.

Rusty and Charlie,
you are my favorite Americans.

Thanks, Archie.
You're our favorite Archduke.

When you are married
you must come to my country

and I will show it to you
as you have shown me Chicago.

Married?

Well, we're almost married, Archie,
and we want to stay that way.

Rusty, if ever I go haywire
again and ask you to marry me,

will you promise
to smack me down?

I'd think of that all by
myself. It's a promise.

This I do not understand.
What is it you are afraid of?

In the first place,
I'm afraid that Rusty and I

would be strangled in red tape,
routine, system, everything we hate.

In the second place, I'm afraid
of being a responsible citizen.

In the third place,
I'm afraid...

I'm afraid the gentleman's
afraid and so am I.

Of what?
Of driving each other crazy.

Oh!
But yours is a divine madness.

Believe me, it is only together that
you are Rusty, and you are Charlie.

You are like two parts
of a Seidlitz powder.

Separated, there is no...

No sparkle.

And no headaches.

The time has come to tell you
the facts of life, Archie.

We're newspapermen.

What?
But don't worry.

No, you're a regular guy and
we won't print a line about you

if you don't want us to.

Newspapermen.
Oh, you scoundlers!

But I love you.
You have made me young again.

Newspapermen!

Listen, you two scoundlers. I will
give you a story for your paper.

Maybe you think tomorrow I
am going to get married, yes?

Uh-huh. I do not marry Miss Mainwaring.

My royal family
does not permit this marriage.

What?
That will be for your paper,

what you call a swoop.

When did you get
that message?

Tomorrow.
Tomorrow?

Tomorrow I get it. First I
cable my family to send it.

You don't by any chance
mean that?

I mean it... and how!

What's gotten into you,
Archie?

This night I have seen two
young people together laughing.

I say to myself, "That is the
real thing. That is love. "

And then, the two young people who
give me the idea, they laugh at it.

No matter.
It is my idea now.

Archie, we didn't know you
at all.

Even I didn't know me.

Well, you'll think differently
after some sleep.

What do you say, Charlie?

I said
you'd better sleep on it.

He's taking
that advice, anyway.

Well, of all the
Schnitzelbanking little Archdukes,

he gets romantic ideas
from us.

Maybe that's just an alibi.

Oh, I don't know. Mmm-mmm.

A dawn like this plays funny
tricks on a guy's emotions.

Dangerous.

Don't you think we better
wake him up and be on our way?

Oh, what's the hurry? The
paper went to bed long ago.

Get a load of that sunrise.
Swell, isn't it?

Hey, Rusty, I...

I hope I didn't
hurt your feelings before,

you know, when I was shooting
off my face about marriage.

Why should I be hurt?

It's swell if you aren't.

Don't you know any words
but swell?

For you? No.

Maybe everything
we said before

was just a lot
of rosy-tinted bluff.

After all, Rusty, we're
not afraid of anything else.

Why be afraid of marriage?

What was that?

I was just keeping a little
promise I made to Charlie.

Thanks for reminding me.

Now, we get
some breakfast, eh?

Oh, and then
I send that cable.

Oh, Charlie, breakfast.
Breakfast.

It is the most beautiful word
in your English language.

Well, maybe, but we're
miles from breakfast.

Oh, no, we're not.
Come on, follow me.

Ist das nicht
ein ham and eggs?

Ja, das ist
ein ham and eggs!

Second helping of ham
and eggs? No, thanks.

Looking at that guy's pictures
has spoiled my appetite.

I don't blame you
for being jealous.

There is something about an aviator's
costume that appeals to women everywhere.

Yes, it is an attractive
costume, isn't it?

You ought to be nuts about
the doorman at the Biltmore.

Archie, your story is finished.
Do you still want it printed?

Can't we talk sense
to you, Archie?

No, let me talk sense
to you.

Listen, Rusty and Charlie...

Comes the revolution?

Take it easy.
You're not home now.

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

What is it? The big shot, he's drowning.

Who swims at this hour?
Is it safe?

It was the only time
it was safe for my boss.

I mean...
Hey, you, step on it!

You gotta save him.
Do you know who that is?

It's Smiles Benson.

Oh, is that so?

You ain't waiting
to take off your pants?

You think I'm going to spoil my
suit for that New York racketeer?

Oh, we've got enough
of our own.

You step on it or else!
Or else what?

Go on, Charlie.
Oh, softie.

Help! Help!

Help! Help!

He took a poke at him.

What do you think
you're doing?

Artificial perspiration.

A barrel might help.

A barrel!
That's right, a barrel.

Work on him, you,
while I get one!

A barrel.

Always calm and collected,
that's me.

Calm, but not collected.

Just breaking in
a new cooling system.

This ought to do for a barrel.

Come here.

Come here.

Feeling better now, Boss?

I'll be feeling better after
I've had a little talk with you.

Where were you
when I was yelling for help?

I was yelling for it, too.

Who are you?

I'm the sap that should
have let you drown.

Did you hear that,
Boss?

And he knocked you out cold
while you was in the water.

Looks like you saved my life.

Well, we all make mistakes.

You didn't make no mistake.

I'm a guy that pays off.

Did you ever hear
of Smiles Benson?

Sure. I've seen your picture,
in the post office.

What do you mean?

Say, I like you.

How would you like to wake up
some morning

and find 20,000 smackers
under your pillow?

Never use a pillow.

That's the way I sleep, too.

You'll find the 20,000
just the same.

Yeah? I'll give it
to a conscience fund.

Okay, but I'm a guy
who pays off.

When somebody does me dirt,
I pay off.

When somebody saves my life,
I pay off.

That's because I got a code.

Boss, why don't you let me smack
this guy right in the kisser

and call it square
and this dope, too?

Get away before I smack you!

All right, Boss,
all right.

And a happy morning to you.

Are you ready
to start the day right

with some good, robust, hale
and hearty setting-up exercises?

Go on, do like the radio says. I
know you've all had a restful night,

no doubt.
Boss...

Go on. Go on.

Each day, born anew.

Ready?

Go on. On your toes,
my hearties. Inhale.

Extend your arms
over your head.

Now, bend. Touch the floor.

Touch the floor.
Touch the floor! That's it.

Now, once more,
with zest and with gusto.

On your toes.
Hands over your head.

Now, bend. Touch the floor.
Touch the floor.

Touch the floor. That's it.

Now, once more.
On your toes. Inhale.

Now, bend. Touch the floor.

Touch the floor. That's it.

What's going on here?
Now, once more.

We just borrowed
your house for a drowning.

Hello, Mr. Blaker.

Oh, it's you, Miss Fleming.

It's quite all right,
I assure you.

Thank you so much.

This is Mr. Smiles Benson
of New York.

And I didn't catch
your handle.

Just call me Squinty.

And Squinty,
also of New York.

And that's my uncle, Archie.

This is Mr. Gordon Blaker,
the famous aviator.

Blaker? Never heard of him.

Local talent.

That's what I think,
if you ask me.

Who asked you?

Say, did I order you to do them
setting-up exercises, or didn't I?

Boss... Come on. Turn
on the radio and do them.

The Rise and Shine Club
is shining off now.

See you tomorrow.

Come on, don't think you're
gonna get off that easy.

Take them dirty dishes
in the kitchen and wash them.

Boss.

Go on.

Special news flash.

A few minutes ago,
this SOS was received

from the passenger steamer
Mary Ann on Lake Michigan.

"Foundering in storm.
Our position is... "

But the rest of the message
never came.

At that moment,
the Mary Ann's wireless

evidently went
out of commission.

Until further news, we will
resume our regular studio...

Here's your big chance,
Mr. Blaker.

What do you mean?
What do you think she means?

Get out your plane and we'll
go hunting for the Mary Ann.

It'll be one of the
big stories of the year.

But how am I gonna rescue a shipload
of passengers in an airplane?

Oh, all you have to do is find
them and radio their position.

You'll be the hero
of America overnight.

But I can't go like this.

I've got to get
my motor tested

and have weather reports,
and...

And lose the chance
of a lifetime.

That isn't how
heroes are made. Come on.

Hey, wait a minute.
How about my pay-off?

Jump in the lake again
and we'll be even.

How about my story?
You won't forget?

If you really want it printed, Archie,
take it to the Globe Express yourself.

Maybe Smiles can give you
a lift.

So long, Archie.

Good luck, you two scoundlers.
I love you.

Mr. Smiles, you are lifting me
to the Globe Express, yes?

Now he's giving orders.

Shut up. Go get the car.

Go on.

Say, where do you get
them kind of shirts?

Do you really think
this is a first-page story?

When you see
those headlines,

you'll think
they're in sky-writing.

Provided we get the story.

Well, all we can do is try.

That's the spirit.

Give your all
and leave the rest to us.

We're heading
into the storm.

Then we're heading
towards the Mary Ann.

That's swell!

No. There's no news
of the Archduke,

and there's no news
of Rusty and Charlie.

The next news will be
when I murder them.

Please,
you are the City Editor, no?

Whatever you're selling,
I don't want any.

I have a message
from Rusty and Charlie.

What? Where is it?
Where are they?

Do they think
they can get away with this?

Please, you mustn't get angry.
It is bad for your temper.

They told me
I should give you this.

Get me the composing room.

Is the first page made up?
That's fine. Well, unmake it.

Two-column spread on Archduke
coming up.

And make up a cut.

How do I know this is true?

How do I know they wrote it?
Where are they?

They went up in an airplane.

Who are you?

Did you ever hear of Smiles
Benson of New York? That's me.

Sure.

And I suppose
you're the missing Archduke?

Yeah, but how did you guess?

The issing-may ince-pray.
He ibs-nay in person.

Get me a cameraman quick.

The old baboon
is in my office now.

Old?

Did he say I was old?

Say, why didn't you tell me
you was the Archduke?

I'd have treated you
like an equal.

It's no use.
We'll have to turn back.

Why?

We've only enough gas
for an hour's flying.

That'll just about get us
back to the field.

But what about the Mary Ann?

There's no chance of
finding her in this storm.

Maybe he's right.

I know I am.

Oh, don't turn yet. Maybe we
could land along the shore.

In a treetop?
No, thanks.

I'm not really
dressed for it.

Mr. Blaker,
I believed in you.

We're turning back.

You're throwing away
a great chance.

But I'm saving your life.

The Globe Express would
rather have us than the story.

I doubt it.

Peeved?

Why the maternal care?

Oh, Rusty, that hurts me.

Particularly since you know
how I feel about you.

I go haywire
when I look at you.

It's the altitude.

Maybe.

I love you, Rusty.

I'll curl up and die
if you don't marry me.

I'll put you
in jail for this.

Brother, if I live to see the
inside of a jail, that's what I hope.

A nice, dry,
well-heated jail.

Look out the window, you mug,
and keep looking out.

With all the income tax
we pay,

don't you think the government
ought to provide their post offices

with better pens?

Be brave, Charlie. Post office pens
were made to try a man's character.

This is Mr. Stagg.

Mr. Stagg,

I was having a bit of a wash
and a brush-up this morning

and I found this key.

Get out.

But you are Mr. Stagg,
aren't you?

Will you please get out?

The boy said
you were Mr. Stagg.

Please get out!

I don't want to murder you.

Let me save my strength
for Charlie Mason.

I don't know Charlie Mason.

Will you please get out?

Please get out.
There's Mr. Stagg now.

I found this key.
Mr. Stagg.

I didn't lose a key.
But Mr. Stagg...

Get out!

Mr. Van Dorn,
we've got to have a show-down.

What's the trouble now?
Those two lunatics.

It's a week since
they got the Mary Ann story

and they won't come back
to work.

What do you suggest?

Fire them.

That won't get them
back to work.

They may be great reporters but they're
not bigger than the Globe Express.

I tell you,
we've got to fire them.

We'd be the laughing stock
of Chicago if we did that.

This morning I got a wire
from the American Institute.

This year, the gold medal for
the best piece of news writing

is being given in duplicate.

One to Charlie Mason
and one to Rusty Fleming.

I don't care
about gold medals!

I'm still the City Editor
of this paper!

Take it easy, Stagg.

You don't know the way
to build morale.

It would be nice
to have a formal party

for the presentation
of the medals,

but those maniacs
might not even show up,

so we'll do it right here.

Maybe you'd like to make the
presentation speech yourself?

I don't think you'd like
the words I'd use.

Let me say that these two medals,
which are a symbol of the fact

that journalism is more than a fleeting
or transitory thing of the moment,

are an honor
that we inscribe proudly

in the annals
of the Globe Express.

I regret that I do not see Mr. Mason
among this array of smiling faces.

Miss Fleming,

the Globe Express will recognize
the honor you have brought us

by giving you
a month's vacation with pay.

No vacation for Charlie?

I'm afraid not.

The Globe Express couldn't
spare you both at the same time.

Mr. Van Dorn.

Mr. Van Dorn... Didn't I
tell you not to disturb me?

But it's the White House calling.
The White House in Washington.

The President wants
to speak to you.

Oh, that's different.

The President of the United
States does come first, doesn't he?

I am sure
you will all excuse me.

Hey.

Three cheers
for the President, boys.

Three cheers
for the President!

Hooray! Hooray!

Hooray.

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr. Van Dorn
speaking.

Yes, of course I can wait.

How would you like to be
an ambassador's secretary?

Hello. Hello.

Sorry, Mr. Van Dorn, the
President has been called away.

He wanted to consult you on the
possible effect on public opinion

of the shortage of gardenias
in Bolivia.

Never mind it, Mr. Van Dorn.
He will write you later.

Oh, what country
are we going to, Mr. Van Dorn?

Bolivia.

It worked like a charm,
Charlie. You're a hero.

You don't know
how much suffering you saved.

After an hour,
Van Dorn was just beginning

to go into the history
of the printing press.

Hey, let me see my medal.

And what about a vacation?
Do we get a vacation?

Coffee and donuts for two. And
make Charlie's coffee strong.

He'll need it.

That, Charlie,
is your medal.

Whee! In regard to yours of even date,

about your vacation, you don't
get a vacation. I get a vacation.

What?
A month off with pay.

Your services are too
valuable. You can't be spared.

A fine thing.

Now, if it had been me

and Mr. Van Dorn had offered
me a vacation all by myself,

do you know
what I'd have said?

"No. No. A thousand
times no, Mr. Van Dorn.

"Let Rusty go and make merry
while I toil in loneliness. "

Then everything's turned out all
right. That's just what's happening.

You wouldn't know what to do
with a month's vacation, anyway.

Suppose you do get
a permanent.

What are you going to do with the
other twenty-nine-and-a-half days?

Get another permanent.

Then I'm going to New York.
You know, the modern Babylon?

What are you going to do
in Babylon?

Well, first I'm going to see a lot
of shows and catch up on my sleep,

then I'm going to a lot of night
clubs and catch up on my sleep,

then I'm going to catch up
on my sleep...

I catch up.

Here, you got me saying it.

Oh, now that I think about it, I got
a lot of catching up of my own to do

while you're gone.

Prize fights, wrestling,
poker and books.

It must be almost a year since I've
read a book or bluffed on a four-flush.

I thought it had been longer
than that.

You're having a lot of fun,
aren't you, Rusty?

Not as much as I'm going
to have in New York.

I'm glad you're going to
have a good time, too,

without having to put up with my
bad influence for a whole month.

I'll have a good time, all
right. Don't you worry about me.

Good Time Charlie,
that's me from now on.

What a hotel.

Will you close the
transom, please? Yes, Miss.

Must be playing some new kind
of a game with horseshoes.

Hello?

Hello, Rusty.

Hello, Charlie.

How are you, Rusty?

Fine!
How are you?

Glad I was able
to catch you in.

I thought maybe you'd be out
at one of those night clubs.

Oh, I forgot.

You were going to catch up
on your sleep.

Oh, I...

I just got in a minute ago, but
I brought the crowd home with me.

Quick. Open the transom.

That's the way it's been
ever I since I got here!

I don't know
how they stand it!

That's funny. I got a party
in my joint, too. Poker.

Hey! Cut that out, Harry.

Did you hear that?

One of the guys just took a pot
shot at the chandelier with a bottle.

Just a minute, Charlie.

Sing something.

What?

Sing something.

But I can't...

I thought it was going
to be hectic, Charlie,

but I had no idea it was
going to be this hectic.

Go on. Sing.

But, but what?

Anything.

Just break the news
to Mother

She knows how dear I love her

And tell her
not to wait for me

For I'm not coming home

Just say...

All right, all right,
you can go.

Thank you, Miss.

Hey, stop it, you guys. And quit
making a fool of yourself, Margie.

Next time I'll know better
than to play poker with women.

What'd you say, Charlie?

Hey, cut it out, Margie.
Cut it out, will you?

They're tickling me.

What'd you say?

They're tickling me.

What?

They're tickling me!

The connection's terrible.
I can't hear a word you say.

It sounds like you're saying
somebody's tickling you.

Oh, never mind it.

I'm glad you called,
Charlie.

If I'd known
you were going to,

I'd have arranged
to be here alone.

Well, it was good
to hear your voice, anyhow.

But I got to get back
to the game.

Must be pretty late in New York
now. What time is it, anyway?

When you hear the tone, the
time will be 2:57 and one half.

When you're through
admiring yourself, Jonathan,

would you mind
taking me upstairs?

Yes, sir.

I mean, no sir,
Mr. Van Dorn, sir.

Where did you get those? They
belong to Mason and Miss Fleming.

No, sir, they don't.
They belongs to me, anyhow.

Don't try to brazen it out.

Those are the medals they won
from the Society.

Yes, sir, Mr. Van Dorn,
but, but I won them.

You? What do you mean?

In a crap game, sir.
They ran out of cash.

How much did you put up
against them?

Twenty-five cents each.

Twenty-five cents each?

Yes, sir.

Twenty-five cents each.

Twenty-five cents each.

I don't care
if they are great reporters.

They're not bigger
than the Globe Express.

That's what Stagg always says.

Send a note to Miss Fleming and tell
her not to bother about coming back.

And get Mason
out of here quick.

Get him out before I...

Wait a minute.
I'll attend to it myself.

Yes, sir?
Get Mason in here.

Hello, Stagg. Stick around.

Something's going to happen in a
minute that'll do your heart good.

I know.
I heard you.

Why didn't this happen
a month ago?

Then maybe I wouldn't
be here now to resign.

Resign?
What's happened to you?

Lost my voice.

About time.
It'll come back.

But my wife won't.
Lost my wife, too.

Losing my mind.
She went to California.

Says she won't live
with a City Editor.

I'm through.

Think it over.

With those two off the paper,
life will be worth living again.

Sorry, Chief, it's too late
now. Going to California.

Say, Chief,

if you want to make me happy
before I go,

there's just one request
I'd like to make.

Let me be here
when he gets it.

I want to see it with my own
eyes. Just a matter of sentiment.

All right, stick around.

I'd wait a million years
to see Mason get it.

All right, what's the bright
idea? It is a bright one.

Put Mason on the City Desk.

Are you trying to be funny?

Listen, Chief, Mason knows every way of
ducking work that a reporter can think of,

because he's used them
all himself.

He's the only man who'll be able to
control that gang of cut-throats out there.

Willett, you're either a
genius or a blithering idiot.

Wait a minute.
How about the girl?

If he isn't
a great City Editor

and she isn't raising
his babies within a year,

you can call me an idiot.

Well, how are you
this fine afternoon?

If you have anything to say, say it
out loud. You don't have to whisper.

That's what you think.
Mr. Van Dorn wants to see you.

So they tell me.
Oh, allow me.

After you.

No, no, after you.

Yes, sir.

Mason, about five minutes ago I decided
to fire you and Miss Fleming, too.

Oh, you're a very hard man,
Mr. Van Dorn.

Got a light?

Always glad to oblige.

Thank you, my good man.

Don't mention it.

Sit down.

Now, Mr. Van Dorn, don't say
another word. You'll spoil it.

I have never before been fired
with such classic precision,

such economy of words.

I said, sit down.

All right, but if you think
you can boil me in oil,

or hang, draw
and quarter me...

Oh, no. All you can do is
fire me. Those are the rules.

This is your idea, Willett.
You tell him about it.

Suppose I said that
instead of firing you

we were going to offer you
the City Editorship.

Oh, now, Mr. Willett, don't
toy with his emotions lightly.

Pete Stagg here has just
been in to resign the job.

It's yours if you make up your
mind to cut out the nonsense,

and make the rest of the staff
cut it out.

Maybe I'd better stay fired.

Be reasonable, Mason. You may
want to be married some day.

An extra 50 a week in your
pay envelope would help.

It would get you a pretty
little cottage in the country,

all covered with hollyhocks.

I don't like hollyhocks.

Mr. Van Dorn, have you gone
stark mad? Make him City Editor?

I wouldn't put him in charge
of the postage stamps.

Why, you might as well
close up the joint.

Say, if I didn't make a 10 times
better City Editor than you, I'd...

You couldn't edit
the comic strips!

But I'm no Pete Stagg. If I take
the job, I do the hiring and firing.

I'll go the whole way
with you.

Say, do you mind if I change
those hollyhocks for rambler roses?

All right,
now you'll get yours.

With the example you've set, do you
think they'll take orders from you?

Stick around, pal. I'll show you how
to shoot some discipline into a paper.

They'll send you to the hospital
with a nervous breakdown!

They'll run you ragged!

All right, all right.
But you don't have to shout.

Well, I hope
I've made myself clear.

From now on, everybody is
going to toe the line.

There's going to be no more
sloppiness around this office.

Take off them false whiskers,
Charlie. We know you.

You'll make a good City Editor,
but I don't like City Editors.

I do. How about
a $5-raise all around?

When the high school humorists
have finished,

I've got a few more remarks
I'd like to make.

First, I'm going to be
a tough City Editor.

Why don't you
pound the desk?

How do you expect to be executive
without pounding the desk?

Hey, I think the guy
really means it.

March to the head
of the class.

I wish Rusty were here
to see this. So do I.

Well, come on,
let's get down to business.

Haley, you're off police news.
You go to City Hall.

Jackson, you cover police
headquarters... Wait a minute.

I've been covering police
headquarters for five years.

Yes. You're getting lazy.

Mary Lawson...
Hey, what's the idea?

I was supposed to go
on special interviews!

Oh, you can interview your
head off, in your spare time.

Listen, Mary, you're going to
stop living at the Fenwick Hotel.

Why? Oh, it's just ducky
to get your board free,

but you can't be a reporter
for the Globe Express

and a press agent for a hotel
at the same time.

Do you mean to say
you never did that?

Sure, I did
and I got away with it.

But you don't, not anymore.

Hey, Hank Smith.

Present, Teacher.

Yes, a teacher
is what you need.

Listen, don't use the word
"lengthy" when you mean "long".

Why not?

Because "lengthy" means "long"
and because it's a lengthier word,

and because we're not gonna have
any more stuffed shirt language

in the Globe Express.
That's all now.

No, that isn't all.

Go on, say it.

Why, you...

Oh, never mind. I'll send you a
picture post card from New York.

I'm resigning!

Right. Any more resignations?

What do you think you're reporting,
a fashion show or a murder?

I don't expect you
to use brains,

but what's the matter
with your legs?

Hey, what's the idea?

Rusty! Oh, this is great.

Honey, you must think I'm a
heel for not calling you but...

Mary Lawson told me
you were dead

and they were using your
corpse for a City Editor.

I came to pay my respects.

Oh, that dame.

Gee, you don't know how happy I
am to see you, but I've been busy.

Busy being a super Stagg?

Well, you'll be proud
of me yet, Rusty.

I've grown up,
straightened out.

Yeah, into a pretzel.

Hello!

Oh, the jury's out, is it?
I knew that five minutes ago.

Look, I'm not asking you
to neglect your poker,

but give a little of your spare
time to the Globe Express, will you?

I've found myself, Rusty.

In what ash can?

Now, please,
can't we talk later?

A big murder just broke and that sap
Wheeler can't get the coroner to talk.

Take it over yourself,
will you?

Hiya, Rusty.

Hello, Ray.

Kennedy, why don't you listen
next time I give orders?

I asked for facts,
not editorial opinions!

Have you forgotten
that these are your pals

who used to play
"follow the leader"

when you were
on that side of the fence?

Only doing my job.

What's happened to you?

If the gong began ringing right
now for a three-alarm fire,

would you answer it?

That's what
I have reporters for.

The guy who used to want to
go himself was Charlie Mason.

Get that story.
We'll talk later.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.
Immediately, sir.

You still with me?
Sure.

And you'll be with us
when we're all fired.

Oh, I can't believe it yet,
not Charlie.

But take it from me,
there won't be any firing

not with the sense of humor
Charlie has.

You mean, used to have.

This'll bring it back.

I tell you, it'll bring back the
Charlie Mason we used to know.

Bring back

Bring back

Bring back my Charlie to me

We came as soon as we got
your message, Miss Rusty.

Good. How'd you like to make
10 bucks apiece?

For you and 10 bucks,
we'll do anything.

Thanks. First, you go down to
the barber shop on the corner

and come back
without your mustaches.

Without a mustache,
my wife wouldn't know me.

Good.
Then Charlie Mason won't.

Without a hat, yes. Without a
coat, yes. Without pants, yes.

Without a mustache, no.

For me and 10 bucks?

And two bucks extra?

Miss Rusty, in 20 minutes we'll return
and lay our mustaches at your feet.

Come on, Herman.

Hey, boy, wait a minute.

How would you like
to be in on this?

Go on. I'm not gonna
shave this mustache off.

You don't have to. How
much do you make in a week?

Twelve bucks.
I'll give you that for a day,

and for 12 bucks, you can
buy lots of hair tonic.

Listen.

Boy!

Boy!

Hey, cut that out. This isn't amateur
night, and I'm not Major Bowes!

Take that stuff
to the composing room!

The composing room?

Oh, yes, the composing room.
I know where it is.

How long have you been here?

Not very long.
No, you won't be!

Hey! Hey!

I think you'd better
have a look at this.

It just came
over the City News.

What is it?

"The name of Charles Mason, City
Editor of the Globe Express... "

..."position of manager
of the Old Ladies' Home. "

What the...
What'll we do about it?

I'll find out
who's responsible for this.

Hey, what are you doing?
We got to paint the office.

Listen, I'm getting out
a paper here. Who sent you?

We got our orders.

Hey, kill it.

Mr. Van Dorn. What? He's out
of town? Well, where is...

Hey! Hey!

Say, haven't I seen you
somewhere before?

Maybe yes.
In our trade we get around.

Well, you'd better start
getting around right now.

Mr. Mason, we just ran off a
proof for the bulldog edition.

About time. Let me see it.

But, Mr. Mason, isn't this
a little irregular? What?

"Great City Editor
tells how he did it!"

"Clean living and discipline are
the secrets," says Charlie Mason.

Hey, get me
the composing room! Quick!

Hey, Murphy,
you gone raving mad?

Who authorized
that story about me?

What? It had my okay on it?

Oh, when I find the half-wit who did
that, there won't be enough left of him

to hold an inquest on! Well,
don't argue with me! Kill it!

Hey, boy.

What's the matter... Boy!

Say, you,
come back here. Come here.

Did you take a story about me
up to the composing room?

I don't know.
I didn't read it.

Oh, then you did take one up,
one you didn't get from that tray.

Who gave it to you?

I don't know his name.

Didn't anybody tell you I was the
only one who gave orders in this room?

Oh, keep your shirt on.

Oh, I see.

What's your salary?

$12, but...

But what?

Skip it.

What's your name?

Smith. Sammy Smith.

Oh.

Hello.
Give me the cashier's office.

Mason speaking. Listen, I'm sending
up a boy by the name of Smith!

Give him $12
and get him out of here!

No, not tomorrow, today!
Right away! Now!

Thanks, Mr. Mason.

Get out of here.

Hey, are you through?

I think so.

I've finished, too.

This is the best I can do.
Yeah.

Go on, get out of here.

All right, you guys.
Come on, come on, come on.

There's somebody in this room

who thinks his neck would
look better in two pieces.

Will he please step forward
and take a bow?

Ist das nicht
a City Editor?

Looking like an angry creditor

Ist das nicht a big disgrace?

Rusty.

Ist das nicht a sour face?

Yes,
this is a big disgrace

Yes, this is a sour face

Don't make me fire you.

Ist das nicht a super Stagg?
City Editor of the rag

Super, super, super Stagg
City Editor of the rag

Ist das nicht an executive?
Giving all he has to give

Yes, this is an executive

Come here.

Giving all he has to give

Do I have to fire you
to show you I mean business?

Listen, when I get scared,

it'll take more than a stuffed
shirt like you to do the scaring.

Do you think you can bully me, you
great, big, two-telephone man, you?

Come on, come on.

You're hurting me.

Let me down. Let me down.

I'll let you down.

You certainly have.

Take her down
and don't bring her back.

Yes, sir.

I'd like a ticket
on the next plane to New York.

Sorry, but we're sold out. Can't give
you a thing until 6:00 this evening.

Well, if there should be a cancellation,
will you let me have it? I'll wait.

Certainly, Miss.

Got my reservation?
The name is Dodacker.

Here's your ticket, Mr.
Dodacker. $47.95, please.

All right.

And might I ask if you're
Roger Dodacker, the author?

Yes, I'm afraid I am.

I've read The Will to Live and
Lift Yourself by Your Bootstraps.

They're inspiring,
Mr. Dodacker.

Well...

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's nice to have
a famous brother.

A lot of good it does me
to be famous.

Oh, cheer up, Roger.

I don't want to cheer up.

Look here, Laura, I want
to face facts. I always do.

I've been jilted, and I'd like
to figure out why.

But you know why.
She told you.

She doesn't love you.
But what of it?

You were never in love
with her, either.

But I'm not the kind
that falls madly in love.

But to be turned down like
this at the last moment...

Well, it's humiliating.

Besides,
what will people say?

Roger Dodacker,
who writes books on success,

couldn't make a success
of his own engagement.

Well, if you'll put as much
technique into your courtship

as you put into your books,
you will be successful.

Oh, yes, but... Ask any
woman if I'm not right.

Ask Mother.
Better still, try it.

But let's talk
about something serious.

I put a bottle of champagne
in here,

and I want you to open it
when you get in the plane.

As if that would
make everything all right.

It'll help.

A good swig of that
will do wonders for you.

And if there's a nice girl
in the plane, flirt with her.

Too bad that one
couldn't get a ticket.

She's the kind I'd like you
to pick next time.

Somebody else
seems to be picking her.

Going to New York?

That's swell.

Great flying weather,
isn't it?

My name is Givens.

Fancy that.

Oh, come on. Aren't you
going to tell me yours?

Just call me "Cutie".

Any cancellations yet?

No, Miss. Sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry
if I was rude, Mr. Givens,

but I was worried
about something.

Oh, that's all right.
Tell Papa.

Do you believe in dreams?

I certainly do.

Last night, I dreamed
this plane was going to fall.

What? Say that again.

Last night, I dreamed
this plane was going to fall.

Yeah?

You know, the last time I had
a dream like that, it came true.

It was about poor Grandma.

What do you know about that?

I'd like to ask the man to
refund the money on my ticket,

but somehow
I haven't got the nerve.

I suppose you think
I'm just a silly woman.

Well, I don't know.
I've heard of cases like that.

Then you don't think
I'm a coward?

I tell you what, baby,
let me handle this.

Can I turn in my ticket?

What's the matter?

Nothing, only I've, I've
got to get there quicker.

How, by telegraph?

No, I mean, I'm not in
a hurry. I don't, I...

Anyway, what do you care?

Can I cash in my ticket
or can't I?

Surely.

It's okay. I turned mine in.
Come on, baby.

Here's a ticket, Miss.
$47.95. Thank you.

Say, what is this?

I've changed my mind.

You know how women are.

She thinks she took me in.

Do you mind
if I introduce myself?

I'm Laura Dodacker.

I want to offer you
the Dodacker Prize

presented regularly
on the spur of the moment

to every gal who makes
a worthwhile contribution

to the subject of pests
and how to get rid of them.

Thanks. I'm Monica Fleming.

Oh, swell. It's cold.

Will you help me
drink my prize?

All aboard! All aboard!

Well, I'm afraid
it's too late,

but perhaps my brother, Roger,
can help you.

He's flying with you.

Congratulations to the winner
of the Laura Dodacker Trophy.

Thank you.

May I carry it for you?

Oh, I don't know.
How do you carry your liquor?

Let's go.

Just thought I'd drop in
to say good night.

Good night, Haley.

Got a letter
from Mary Lawson today.

Did you know she landed a job
on the New York Star?

Yeah.

Rusty's staying with her.

Yeah. Well, don't forget to follow
up on that rumpus at City Hall

first thing in the morning.
Right.

Rusty's been stepping out
with a fellow named Dodacker.

You've heard of him,
haven't you?

The guy who writes those
best sellers on success?

Looks like wedding bells.

You'd better see
the Mayor himself.

I hear there's going to be
a big blow off.

Good evening, Mason.

Good night, Haley.

Oh, good night.

Mason, I suppose you're wondering
what I'm doing here at this hour.

But the bigger the job,
the bigger the responsibility.

When they write my biography,
I want them to say

I was the first to arrive at
the office, the last to leave.

What's that? Oh, yeah, yeah.

I haven't said much to you since
you took over this desk, Mason,

but I've been watching you.

You've done a remarkable job.
Remarkable.

You'll make a fine executive.

Don't be surprised
if there's $25 more than usual

in your pay envelope
this week.

Never mind saying it, Mason.
I know how you feel.

As a matter of fact,
Mr. Van Dorn...

Tomorrow, Mason, tomorrow.

I can see you're tired.

I guess I've sort of
overwhelmed you, eh?

Well, keep up the good work.
You're going places.

I am going places, Mr. Van
Dorn, especially New York.

And I'm going tonight.

What I wanted to tell you
was that I'm resigning.

What? Don't tell me
that I was mistaken in you.

Oh, not as much
as I was in myself.

I've got to be
a human being again,

the kind of guy who runs
to three-alarm fires himself

when the gong starts to ring.

And it's ringing right now.

Mr. Van Dorn, Haley would be
a good man for that City Desk.

What? You can't do that.

No one's telling me what I
can't do anymore. Good night!

Down, Jonathan, down.

This way.
What's the idea?

Never mind, come on.
Come on.

Hiya.

Oh, fancy meeting you here.

My boys in Chi told me
you was coming.

You and that dame ain't made a move
since I left Chi that I don't know about.

What's the idea?

I told you that I'm a guy
that always pays off.

You say not with dough? Okay,
not with dough. Some other way.

I'm taking care
you have a good time, see?

What's the program?

What's the program?

Right here, and I can take care
of it without any help from you.

Get a toothbrush.

I thought of that. What else?

Find a hotel.

You're all set. Plaza Pierre.

Buy flowers for Rusty.

I'll take care of that.

I got the flowers
all delivered.

That's her room up there.

Anything else I can do?

Yeah, go away.

I'll take that kind of talk
from you until I've paid you off.

I'll meet you later
at Jake's Cafe on 74th.

Go away. Go away.

Okay, Squinty.

Oh, Rusty Stick your
head out of the window

I have come from afar
And I've got a job on the Star

Oh, we will spend
those happy hours

Oh, Rusty
Did you get my flowers?

That Dodacker guy

Is not for you

Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh...

Squinty, that's a good sign!
She loves me.

Hey, Lawson.

What's the idea
of throwing the water?

What'd you expect me to throw?
Perfume?

I guess I had it coming to me at
that. Shake and call it square, huh?

Waiting for something?

Where's Rusty?
Out.

Then I'm waiting for Rusty.

You're wasting your time.

You remind me of a woman
I once saw in a play.

She was knitting in front of some
kind of machine, I forget what.

Rusty's going to be married
to Roger Dodacker.

I remember now!

It was the guillotine.

You're wasting your time.
You said that before.

Rusty's engaged.
You don't seem to believe it!

Sure, I believe it. Rusty'd
do anything for a laugh.

Here we are, dear.
Wait for me, driver.

Good night, Roger.
Thanks for a grand evening.

So glad you enjoyed it.
Good night, darling.

Good night.

I'm so happy
I could kiss you.

You're wasting your time.

I know that, but I gotta
kill time until Rusty comes.

You've come back here
to spoil Rusty's life again,

but I'm not going to
let you, you,

City Editor.

When you say that, smile!

Anyway, I'd rather be
a City Editor than...

Is this a private discussion,

or may I get in it?

Rusty. He's been trying
to bully me all evening.

Listening to her, you'd
think... Listening?

You haven't done
any listening.

Go on with your knitting
and leave us alone.

This isn't the Globe Express.
You can't do your bullying here.

That's right, I'm a bully.

I spend all my time bullying
helpless women. I'm not a gentleman.

I guess
I'm just not a Dodacker.

Right.

Oh, gee, Rusty,

I was hoping for once we were going
to be able to understand each other.

She understands you too well.

I've got to talk to you,
Rusty. Give a guy a chance.

Come on, out in the hall.

Sit down.

Oh, still being executive,
huh?

Sit down, I tell you,
and listen to me.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.
Proceed.

Do you have to be sarcastic?

I'm only obeying orders.

Any more orders
for the evening, Mr. Mason?

Yes, plenty.
You're going to marry me.

Archie was right, Rusty.
We need each other.

I need you like I need
a crick in the neck.

You need me like you need a swift
kick and you need that badly.

Rusty!

Oh, Rusty, I didn't mean it.

Glass of milk.
Can't drink. Got ulsters.

Glass of water.

Hey, put them pretzels down.

Yes, sir. Very good, sir.

Oh, that's that.

I wanted to tell her I was all
washed up with that City Editor stuff,

and that I landed a job on the
Star just to be near her and...

Oh, what's the use?
I said all the wrong things.

All of them?

Yeah.

You know why I came here?

You see that brown stone house
across the street?

It's where
that Dodacker egg lives.

I've been studying the layout.

Nothing doing, Smiles.
No rough stuff.

Who's talking rough stuff?

One little conk on the head,
that's all the guy'll need.

I said nothing doing.

All right, forget it.

I got a better idea.
Where's Squinty?

Where is that dope, anyway?

You wait here.
I gotta find Squinty.

Get up, you dope.

We got things to do.

Hey?

What do you think you're
doing? He's a friend of mine.

Do you always engrave your
invitation on a guy's head?

He got tough.

If you think he's tough, you
ought to see the dame in there.

She kicked Rabbit
right in the bread basket,

and she almost chewed off
Squinty's ear.

It's a good thing you're
taking her off my hands.

Who? What do you mean?

The little dame, Rusty.

What?

I fixed it for you.

This bird here.

Simmons is the name, sir.

Simmy here
is a justice of the peace,

and he's got a marriage
license right in his pocket.

I wouldn't do this
for anybody but Smiles.

Here she is, Boss. Been
giving Rabbit a lot of trouble,

but I can handle her.

Sure you can.

So this is your idea
of paying me off,

you crackpot
10th Avenue Napoleon.

Hey.

You don't have to pull
that stuff.

What do you care what the dame
thinks? You want her, and here she is.

Rusty, I give you my word...
I know. You have an alibi.

You were in Hackensack all evening
while they were planning this.

Come on. You got the rest
of your lives for scrapping.

Get going, Simmy. Marry them.

What?

You heard me. You're
gonna get married. Relax.

Get away from me,
you little turkey buzzard.

Smiles, it won't stick
unless they say "I do. "

I say they do!
But I...

Break out with that ring
and do your stuff.

All right, all right.

Smiles,
I swallowed it.

He ate it.
Did you see that? He ate it.

Good work, Rusty.

Say, what's the matter
with you?

When you get what you want, you
better take it. That's my rule.

All I want of you is a chance to
meet you in Lake Michigan again.

Come on, Rusty,
let's get out of here.

Yes, by all means, let's.

I figured you for a smart guy
and you're acting dumb.

But I never start anything
I don't finish.

Take them up to my room.

You don't really think
I was in on this?

I'd respect you a lot more if
you'd admit it. Why lie about it?

The dame's talking sense.

Why don't you tell her this was
your idea? She'll love you for it.

I studied psickiology
and I know.

Would you mind going now and
leaving us two love birds alone?

Sure.

There's a bell
over by the bed.

Ring once
if you want something to eat,

twice for valet service, and
three times for a wedding ring.

Rusty, listen to me.

I had nothing to do with this.

But I'm glad it happened.

When I went serious,
you straightened me out,

and I'm going to do
the same for you.

Dodacker is nothing
but your City Desk.

He happens to be the man
I'm going to marry

and I'm going to marry him
tomorrow

if I can get out
of your private jail by then.

Marry him? You couldn't.

Wait a minute.

I have before me a specimen
of the works of Roger Dodacker.

Listen to this.

"To think you can do it
is to know you can do it.

"To know you can do it
is to do it.

"In your body, nature
gave you a perfect machine.

"Keep it oiled with intelligence
and fueled with ambition

"and it will not fail you.

"Success is for those
who will help themselves.

"This world, dear reader, is
run on the cafeteria system. "

You marry that triple bromide?

I'm not marrying his books.
I'm marrying the man.

Can you look me smack in the eyes
and tell me that you love him?

Yes, I can.

Well, say it.

Well, why don't you give me
a chance to prove it?

I will.

Well, did I hear three rings?

Look here, Smiles,

all you care about is
paying me off, is that right?

Right.

Suppose I told you I couldn't stand
the sight of that dame anymore?

Wait a minute.
Quit your stalling.

I'm not stalling.

I thought I was in love
with her but I'm cured.

I never want to see her again.

The guy is cuckoo.

Crazy as a flock of bats.

Yeah, if I'm crazy,
it isn't love that's doing it.

Listen to this.

"Success, dear reader,
is the ninth Muse.

"Woo her as you would
the other Muses. "

What's the matter with that? I
think that's kind of beautiful.

I go for books like that.

Hey, Boss.

This bird busts into the house and says
he's going to slap us all in the cooler.

So I slapped him in the
teeth and... Take it easy.

Rusty.

Rusty, dear,
Mary Lawson told me

that I was taking my life
in my hands to come here,

but I'm not afraid
of these gentlemen.

And as for you, sir...

Let me introduce Mr. Dodacker,

the author of the book
I was just reading.

Dodacker?
Say, are you the Dodacker?

There's only one.

Do you still want
to let the dame go?

Do I?

Okay, the dame can go.

Him, too.

You're not fooling me
for one moment.

You're just pretending to be
softhearted because I caught you.

The law will take its course
just the same.

Come, Rusty. You knew I'd come to
you through any danger, didn't you?

Smiles, do me a very,
very great favor, will you?

Sure. What's on your mind?

Take me to town
and get plastered with me.

Can't drink, I told you.

All right, then, take me to
town and watch me get plastered,

or just take me to town.

Come on.

What do you call this drink?

A parachute.
What's that?

A drink that makes you float in the air,
but you don't know where you'll land.

What's in it?
It has everything.

A jigger of everything
except water.

No water?
No water.

Bring me another one.
Same for me.

Okay.

After this float,
let's get out of here.

Why?

Because it's across the street
from the house across the street.

No, no, no. This place suits
my morbid mood.

Morbid? What's that?

It's when you have a court plaster
on your soul instead of your face.

She's going to be
married tomorrow, Smiles.

She'd have been married now
if you hadn't been such a sap.

I am a sap.

You're all right.

Ever been in love, Smiles?

I been a sap, too.

Yeah, but you never
lost your girl to a Dodacker.

Did I tell you she was
going to be married tomorrow?

Twice.

Hey, hey. Cut that out.
Rusty's no bigamist.

I must take my afternoon nap
if I'm to be ready for tomorrow.

Aren't you forgetting something,
Mother? The bridal dress.

I haven't forgotten.

I think Rusty would rather
skip all that stuff.

I'll have it ready
first thing in the morning.

The morning? But Mother...

Oh, I don't know
what could have possessed me.

A Dodacker bride always tries on
the dress the day before the wedding.

That dress is 150 years old.

Six Dodacker brides
have worn it, Rusty.

Pardon?
I didn't hear what you said.

You mustn't be absentminded,
child.

Haven't you read what Roger
says about absentmindedness?

Let me see.

Absentmindedness.

Absentmindedness.

Let it go till later, Mother.
You're tired.

I never get tired.

But Rusty is.

Are you?

Oh, no.
No, it's quite all right.

There, Laura.

Now, what was I going to say?

Laura, you're always
making me forget things.

Oh, yes, it was the dress.

Come with me, child.

We'll try it on right now.

Boy.

Another parachute.

The same for me.

Smiles, maybe you
hadn't ought to be drinking.

Why not?

You got ulcers.

Liquor is good for ulsters.

Yeah?
Sure. That's how I got them.

Oh, that's different.

But maybe you hadn't
ought to be drinking.

Don't be a Dodacker.

Dodacker?

What's a Dodacker? I forget.

A Dodacker?
Yes.

A Dodacker is a cross between the
missing link and the lost discard.

It looks like a man
but it talks like Mrs. Grundy

when she's had
too many cups of tea.

Oh, Smiles.

Yeah?

Maybe I hadn't
ought to be drinking.

Got to have a clear head.

Gotta get Rusty
a wedding present.

That's all right.
My head is clear.

I always keep it that way.

Two more.

Same for me.

Think she'd like a dog?

What kind of a dog?

One that'd be
kind of a pal to her.

She'll be lonely
with Dodacker.

He isn't her kind, Smiles.
He's a phony.

She's real...

You don't know
how real she is.

Sure, I know.

No, I tell you, you don't.

The day
of the big chemical fire,

they were bringing them out
dead and dying.

The explosions were coming
like firecrackers on a string.

The kid found an emergency
door that was jammed

and smashed it down herself.

Yeah, and now she's gonna marry some
egg that writes books on success.

I know. We'll get her
a fire house dog.

You know, one of those big
black ones with the white spots.

Do you think
she'd like that, Smiles?

If she likes fires.

Oh, she loves fires.

She's a newspaperman.
She lives on excitement.

Why, if a fire engine came hooting
down the street right now, she'd...

Fire engines. Pretty red fire
engines. Rusty loves them.

You wanna get her
a fire engine?

Smiles, am I drunk?

I don't know.

Drunk enough to get a real
girl a real wedding present?

Sure.

Shiny red fire engine.

That's the kind of present
Rusty would understand.

Anything else, sir?

Sure, sure.

Tomorrow evening's newspapers.
Don't come back till they're ready.

Fire Headquarters. Please.

Hello. Get some apparatus up
East 74th Street, 622 East.

Fire in the basement.
Looks like it's spreading.

No, no alarm in yet.

Me? Charlie Mason of the Star.

Pretty red fire engines.
Rusty loves them.

Say. Say, we gotta
have policemen, too.

Policemen go with fire
engines. Quick. Quick.

Tell me somebody
you don't like.

Fingy Costello.

Good.

Police Headquarters. Please.

Charlie Mason of the Star.
Wanna pick up Fingy Costello?

Sure. 622 East 74th.

Huh?

Don't mention it.

Rusty's gonna
have policemen, too.

Hey, Smiles,
what else? What else?

And...

I know, I know. Ambulances.

Hey, you got any nickels?

Yes.

In my hour of need,
you have not failed me.

Emergency Hospital.

Just a moment.
Emergency Hospital.

Violently insane?

Call the mental ward of
Hillview. Oh, is somebody hurt?

Sure, right away.
Yes. I'll notify Hillview.

Civic Hospital. Yes.

Dodacker. Gunshot wounds.
622 East 74. Immediately.

Turnbull's Funeral Parlor.

Most distressing,
most distressing.

Dodacker?

Yes, sir, I have it.

Hillview Hospital.
Epileptic fit?

Dodacker?
622 East 74th. I've got it.

Yes, ma'am.

What else, Smiles?

Gas mains. Broken gas main.

Yes, sure. Steam, too.

Here, this is for you.
Excellent. Emergency wagon.

Out of nickels.

Say, this is terrible.
Don't sit there doing nothing.

We're out of nickels.
Fine thing.

It's a sleeper.

Smiles, you're wonderful.

It seems a bit large.

You're not going to talk
of alterations.

It's never been altered.

Don't forget, your daughter
must wear it after you, dear.

The bridal veil, Mother.

Yes, yes, of course.
The bridal veil.

Enough is enough.

Laura thinks I'm boring you
with our family traditions.

Oh, not at all.

Mother, there we are.

Dear.

Stunning. Beautiful.

My dear child, don't fidget.
I hate fidgeting.

Excuse me, but fire engines
do that to me.

Roger'll cure you
of that nonsense.

Hold your head up, child.
This calls for dignity.

That fire must be
awfully near.

Right on this block.
Excuse me!

Come on, let's see.

Are you out of your mind?

Rusty. Rusty, come back.
I insist.

Get back there.

What's happening?

I'll get you
a souvenir program.

But what's happening?

Get back.

Somebody threw an epileptic
fit, set fire to a house.

It's Fingy Costello. He set
fire to a house and shot a man.

They're surrounding him.

Get back
outside the fire lines.

Where's the fire?

There's no fire in 622.

But there must be a fire
somewhere.

Hey, where's the fire?

Search me.

Some other time.

What's the trouble?

I don't know yet.

You wanna come down
and help me find it?

Everybody is here.

No, no.
Hillview Hospital is late.

Here they come!

Good old Hillview.

Where's the emergency?

I don't know.

Hey, where's the wedding?

Rusty. Rusty, come back here
at once!

What's the idea? Don't you know
you're inside the fire lines?

Well, can't a citizen stand
in front of his own house?

You live here?
What's your name?

I'm Roger Dodacker.

Dodacker?
Yes.

Captain. Captain,
I've got Dodacker.

What do you know
about Fingy Costello?

He is Fingy Costello.

That's Dodacker,
the guy that was shot.

No, epileptic fit.

Look here, you can't do this!

Let me up.
Lie still.

Let me up.
Mr. Dodacker?

I am Turnbull.
Turnbull the undertaker.

Let me up.

There's Rusty!

Yoo-hoo!

Gotta see Rusty.

Charlie!

Hey, what are you
doing down there?

Hey, you.
Get back here.

This is an outrage.

Do I look like a friend
of Fingy Costello?

Charlie Mason of the Star
said you were hiding Fingy.

Well, then, I suggest
you arrest Charlie Mason.

Charlie Mason.
Mr. Dodacker.

Charlie Mason? Why, that's the
guy that turned in the alarm.

Rusty.

Like your wedding present,
Rusty?

What do you mean?

This! I did it all for you.

What?

Oh, you nut.
Get out of here, quick.

The police department
won't like it.

The police department isn't being
married. You're being married.

Maybe you'd rather
had a dog.

Would you, Rusty?
I'll get you a dog, too.

How you doing there?
Swell number, that dress.

Hiya, Squinty!

Hey, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

That ain't the guy
that turned in the alarm.

No? What do you know
about it?

It was this guy right here.

He phones and gives
Mason's name. He admits it.

What? Is that true?

Boss, do I have to?

Yeah, you have to.

Okay. I'll come clean.
I done it!

Thanks, Smiles.

Rusty. Rusty, really,
this is disgraceful.

Mr. Dodacker...
Go away, please.

Rusty, come down here at once.

Don't be unreasonable,
Mr. Dodacker.

Hours of bereavement
come to us all.

Oh, please go away. Rusty,
this is most embarrassing.

False alarm.

Come on. Come on, boys, let's
get out of here. Come on.

All right, come on,
clear out of here.

Rusty, that dress.

I can't take it off here.

I'll have it cleaned
and send it back.

Oh, no, don't do that.

No, they'll ruin it.
They'll wash it in turpentine.

Weren't they nice, Rusty?
They all came!

Uh-huh. Thanks, Charlie.

You sure you wouldn't have
rather had a dog? You aren't sore?

I love you, you fool!