Two of a Kind (1983) - full transcript

God has had just about enough of mankind's attitude, so He decides that He needs to destroy the planet in the immediate future--unless two particular humans, a struggling inventor and a bank teller, both with quite amateur criminal minds, can save the world.

Never stand behind a golfer, dummy,
when he's gettin' ready, to take a shot.

Stand over there.


- Want some chicken?
- I quit eatin' meat. It slows me down.

Let's go, boys.
The boss is on his way.

I'm glad he's comin' back,
but there goes my golf game--

Weekends too.

Should be around here somewhere.

Hey, Gonzales, you see
where my ball went?

I'm not your caddy.
I'm a garbage man.

Yeah, but you got eyes.
You can see that garbage.

You oughta be able
to see a little white ball.

- Charlie! Charlie! You see my ball?
- Yeah, I saw it.

- Where is it?
- God only knows.

You know, Charlie, you
oughta ask them for a change.

You've been a bum down
there for almost a millennium.

Look, you worry about what you do,
and I'll worry about what I do.

Do you know what it's like to hear
you guys argue through eternity?

Well, put some chicken in your ears.

Charlie, give me my ball.
I know you took it! Gimme my ball.

Stop arguing, boys.
Give him his ball.

Did he say what he's been doing?
Where's he been since 1960?

- I mean, maybe he forgot he's God.
- Listen,

he's been working 24 hours a day,
six day's a week since the dawn of time.

Don't you think he deserves
some kind of rest and change?

Yeah, but he
hadn't even--

H- How was
your vacation?

Oh, I think I caught a cold.

- Bless yourself.
- Thank you.

Can't I turn my
back for a minute?

When the cat's away,
the mice will play, huh?

I leave you four in
charge for a mere 25 years

-- a drop in the bucket
of time, by the way --

I come back, and the
world is a total mess.

We're understaffed.

Oh, you're gonna pass the
buck, huh? That's your answer?

No, I - I think I have to do
something drastic. I wanna start over.

- You mean, really start over?
- Right. Right.

You remember the Bible, Adam and Eve.
Maybe I'll start with a woman this time.

Hmm. A flood worked
before. Yeah. I like it.

- But you said you'd never do that again!
- That's right.

- Didn't he promise?
- Yes! You did. You did.

Hey! I'm God.
I changed my mind.

But there's still a lot of
goodness left in the world.

- She's right. There is.
- Yeah!


You say, there's goodness
left in the world, huh?

Okay. Show me
one good person.

What about him?

- Great choice, moron.
- There's a good person!

- Ruthie, give me a typical man.
- There's one!

- Which one?
- Him!

That kid? Done!

- He looks nervous.
- Since when is nervous a crime?

Looks like my cousin, Paco.
He's doing time in Folsom.

All right. Hold it
down. I like this. Yeah.

How you doin', Stuart?


Stuart, I told ya I'd
get it for ya. I promise.

I want it today at 6:00.

- All right.
- Hold him.

Or else, I'm gonna take your ears.

Ya understand?

- Say "yes."
- Yes.


It worked.

Zack, no more excuses this time.

I want that money, and I want
all of it, or I'm gonna take your ears

and I'm gonna grind them and all
those stupid inventions of yours into dust!

Ya hear me? Pick up the phone,
Zack. I know you're listening.

Don't stand so closely.
Get back in the car.

Zack! 6:00 or
it's all over. 6:00.



How ya doin'?

You know, I came to you because you
are by far the foxiest chick in the bank.

Broadway Savings. Good
morning. Can I help you?

This is Susan Elliott.

- Uh, your check!
- Oh, thanks.

Morning. I, uh,
came to you

'cause I think you're the
prettiest chick in the bank.

I'm sorry. I'm closed.

Twenty, 40, 60, 80, 100.

How ya doin'?

You know, I, uh,
came to you

because I think you're by
far the foxiest chick in the bank.

Can I help you?

$13,464 and smile.

You're kidding.


I only have 600.


All right. Go in the
back and get the rest.

If you screw this up,
I'm gonna shoot somebody.


No. Her.

Oh. Okay.

I have to go in the back.


- Nothing.
- What?


Your mustache is falling off.

How 'bout now?

It's still a little off.

- You'd really look better without it.
- Don't get cute.

Just get the money, will ya?

- Good morning, Debbie.
- Hi.

All right. We've been here too long.
I'll meet you at the swinging door.

That really wouldn't be
very smart, would it?

- Everyone will see you.
- Then take this shopping bag

that I left here yesterday and fill it.
- Okay.

- I'll look for it.
- Okay. Thank you.

Thank you.

- Can I help you?
- No, I'm just, uh--

I left a bag here yesterday.
I'm waiting to see if they find it.

- Oh, you found it? Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I'm single.

Mr. Sikes!

Back! Get
down! Get down!


Oh, nice try.

Look, let's not
waste any more time.

I'm not gonna
change my mind.

Wait! Wait! Hold it.

Okay, he's rotten.
Let's pick another one.

No, no, no.
He was your choice.

- Not mine.
- I didn't tell him to rob that bank.

- He looked like a nice kid to me.
- Looked like my cousin, Paco.

Can we please
choose someone else?


But could we have a few more
hours? Just a little more time?

"I wasted time, but now
doth time waste me."


Richard II,
act five, scene five.

Tonight. Just give
us until tonight.

That young man's gonna
shape up. Let's watch him.

All right. All right.
One more look.


Fuck it!

Broadway Savings.
Good morning.

Hi, baby.

- How you doin'? You having a good day?
- Oh! Oh!

Debbie? Wait. Don't
come in. Close the door.

Yeah, this is Monarch Photos.
That check you wrote bounced.

Could you give us a call and
straighten this out? Thanks.

You're welcome.

- You're home early.
- I got fired.


- Where's my bed?
- It was repossessed.

Chotiner let them in this
morning when we weren't home.

- He wants your rent money.
- Okay.

All right! I'm coming.


Listen, you shouldn't keep
buyin' things you can't afford.

Very irresponsible.
Can I have my rent?

Look! Look what I got!
Can you believe it?

Chicken liver forever, Brando.

Hundred dollar bills!

Here's this month's and next month's
in advance. Good night, Mr. Chotiner.

Listen, where'd
you get this money?

I told you I'd get it. You should have
more faith in people, shouldn't you?

Listen, I caught a cold
from your cat. Oh, yes.

Humans don't catch colds
from cats, Mr. Chotiner.

He came down

the fire escape
and in my window

and sat on my chest
and gave me a cold.

Now, look. I wouldn't mind
catching a cold from you,

but not from
your precious cat.

- Get lost!
- I mean it.

I mean it! I mean it! Listen!
I'm home if you ever want me.

Here, honey. Will you
hold this? Not that! Stop it!

Hey, guys, where are you going?
Look. I got steak, Dom Perignon,

and I have your favorite
cheese in there, Ron.

Oh, were you gonna
cook dinner for us?


Oh, you're kidding. We have this
party that Ron forgot to tell me about.


Hey, by the way, why'd
you get fired this time?

This is terrific cheese. We'll
eat it at the party. Thanks a lot.

- Come on. Let's go.
- Are you gonna be all right?

What are you gonna do?

Yeah. I'll go to the gym,
work out or something.

Okay. Bye. Oh! Hey! Why
did you get fired this time?

They said I flirted
with a bank robber.



Stuart. You're early, man.

Put those dogs
in another room!

Right. Back, boys!
Back! Down! Down!

Vinnie! Biff!
Get back there!

Stuart, you know, what I'm gonna
have to do is, uh, put the dogs

in the-- in
the bathroom.

But it'll take a minute, all right?

Right with you.

Here I come!

Back! Away from the door! Now,
get in the bathroom! That's it. That's it.

Good boys.


What the hell is going on, Zack?

I'm comin'! Down, boys!

- Oh, wow.
- Get in there!

- How?
- How? Like this!

Damn it!

Hey! These are great!
I love these! Look at this.

Moron! I almost
had a heart attack.

You think that's what he borrowed
the 13 grand for? To have those made?

- How should I know?
- Look at this stuff. Look at this.

Nobody'd buy one!

Of course nobody would buy one!

They're gimmicks for idiots.

Would you buy one?


Come here.
Get outta here.

Come on!

No, I don't like music.
It all sounds the same to me.

- Don't you think he'd be gone by now?
- What? I pay you to think?

You know, boss,
I too have feelings.

"I too have feelings"? What are
you doin'? Goin' to college now?

- Huh? Huh?
- Aaah! Aaah!

- How's that feel?
- It hurts!

You're right.
You got feelings.


Get outta there!
What's he doin'?

- Get him off of there!
- He's not finished.

There he is!
There he is!

Come on! Get goin'!

Hey! Here's your
money! Come on!

Hey! Ya all right?


Hold it. Hold it. Go!

Go! Go around him!

- Follow him! Damn it!
- All right!

Move it! Come on!

- Keep drivin', man. You hear me?
- I'm drivin'!

Get alongside of him!

- Pull over!
- No! Don't! Don't listen to him!

- Pull it over! Pull it over!
- I'm drivin'!

- I've got a gun too!
- Don't shoot!

I'm driving! I got a family!
I got three kids! I got a mortgage!

Goddamn it!
Where are you going?

- Cut him off!!
- What do you mean?

- I mean do this!
- No!

Oh, I imagine it must
be tough being wrong

but look on the bright side.

It's a new beginning. Water
for the deserts, no pollution.

I'll put Hawaii closer to the mainland.
Gonzales, make a note of that.

I can't believe
you're really gonna do this.

Trust me.

Where will everyone go?

Oh, we've got plenty of room.

You mean you'll bring
everybody up here?

To do a great right,
you must do a little wrong.

- Macbeth?
- Hamlet.

Doesn't anybody read anymore?
Merchant of Venice, act four, scene one.

- Wait!
- Wait?

For what?
Let's get going.

Wait a minute. Wait
a minute! I got an idea.

What if that kid down
there turned himself around

and he sacrificed everything
for another human being?

Charlie! A selfish kid like that
would never make a supreme sacrifice.

But if he did,
that would be a miracle.

Okay. Uh-huh.
Oh, I see.

You're gonna show me a miracle that
proves man is worth saving. Uh-huh.

I like it, actually.

But on one condition.

- Her?
- Yeah.

- The bank teller?
- He has to make a sacrifice for her?

And she for him.

- But that's impossible.
- Hey. You brought up miracle. I didn't.

And one more thing.
I want it in two days.

Two days? It took you
six days to create the world.

Very good, Earl.
That's very good.

Okay, I'll
give you a week

and don't ever say
I wasn't generous!

What about the devil?

- I say, what about the devil?
- Oh, don't bother me with details!

You've got until midnight,
one week from tonight.

Um, is that Pacific,
Mountain or Eastern Standard time?

Hmm. Eastern Standard.

Freeze it! Rewind.

- Aaah!
- Freeze it!




These two are going to have to
sacrifice everything for each other?

Ha! Marvelous. I shall
soon have a full house, won't I?

And, of course,
I shall reserve

a very special place
for you, my pretty.

- Get away from her.
- Charlie boy!

Charlie boy.

Uh, look, Charlie boy. Let's
have another little wager on this--

on this flood business, shall we?

- I'll bet you dogs.
- Dogs?

Yes, dogs. I mean, if there is a
flood, then you pitch in dogs as well.

Look. I haven't got any animals
down there, but I've got a lot of

very strange people that
love... to kick dogs.


You make me sick!

Gonzales! I don't believe this.
They still have you living like a pig?

And Charlie's a bum.

Earl! He still drives a bus?

Earl. Fore!

I don't want nothin' you got.

Well, I shall be needing a
lot of extra help fairly soon.

As you fellows will
all be out on the dole,

perhaps we can strike
a deal right now, hmm?

You like loose ladies, hmm?

- Ignore him.
- Hmm?

Charlie boy, you like the
ol' loose ladies? Hmm? Oh.

Well, if you change your mind,
I've just taken a suite at the Plaza.

What a bummer! On top of everything
else, now we got him to worry about.

What did you expect? Him
to sit idly by on the sidelines?

Boys, we've got
a lot of work to do.

Let's get started.

- Ah!
- Rewind!

Freeze it.

- Unfreeze.
- There he is!

Come on! Get goin'!

Hey! Here's your
money! Come on!

Hey! Ya all right?


Hold it!
Go! Drive!

What the hell?

Damn it!

Forget the horn!
The bus died.

Am I gonna have to
pick this up in 2 weeks?

Not this time.

- Hey, man, leave the girl alone.
- Hey, Laurie, I'm tired.

Aw, break my heart.

You think it's easy
working with you all day?

If you could move your legs as fast as
you move your mouth, we'd be in business.

- We're going two flights up.
- Give me a break.

"Bank robber flirts and escapes
with 15,000 smackeroos!"

"Debbie Wylder,
an aspiring actress,

who studies at the Warren Robertson
Theater Workshop, said the man was maniacal."


Debbie... Wylder. You
wanna come up, please?

Will you kinda settle
down a little, please?

- Hi, Debbie.
- Hi.

- How ya feeling?
- Terrific.

Debbie, you had quite a
scare yesterday, didn't you?

It was, um, terrifying.

Let the laughter go.
That's just a nervous reaction.

Keep letting it go. Try to
feel the real feelings behind it.

Let your arms relax.
What I want you to do--

Go right back to that moment
when the guy came into the bank.

Really tell him
what you were feeling.

Come on, Debbie. Tell him.
See him there just like he was.

- Recreate the moment.
- Please don't hurt me.

I'll do anything you say.

- I can't do this.
- Deborah, keep going.

Come on. You're just trying
to avoid the real feelings.

I feel like laughing.

And another way to avoid what
you really feel is to argue with me.

I'm not arguing
with you, Warren.

Debbie, just don't talk
for a minute and listen to me.

This guy comes in and
points a gun at you. Is that right?

I mean, it's really
not much, is it?

Just your life?

So, come on. Put this guy
out here and tell him off!

How dare you
point that gun at me!

How dare you threaten
to blow my brains out!

You're acting, Debbie.
Stop "acting."

You think you're a pretty hot shot
with that gun in your hand, don't you?

But you're nothing
but a cheap crook!

You're a clown,
an impotent joke.

An impotent joke?

Debbie, stop writing
dialogue now, and let's feel.

I do feel.
I am feeling!

Don't take it out on me. Take it out
on this guy that had the gun on you.

Come on. Look at
him and tell him this.

You moron.
You imbecile!

You bastard!

That's it!

- There he is!
- Fine. Now, just see it through.

- See him! It's real!
- There he is!

- Just keep seeing him. That's it.
- He's right there!

- That's right. Now really see him.
- There he is!

- Tell him what you're really feeling.
- No, he's right there!

- Somebody help me!
- That's right! Scream for help. Come on!

Call the police! No!

Just let the feelings go.
Let your body go.

- That's right. Let the body go.
- He was right there.

That's fine.
Just let the body go.

That's right.
Just breathe. Just let go.

Let your head go.

Let your head go.

I wasn't--

- Unbelievable exercise.
- Terrific.

- I wasn't kidding. He was right there.
- But that's the point!

He's right out there
waiting for me now.

You'll be all right.
Don't worry.

You want a Kleenex?
Here. Blow your nose.

Listen, I know you
guys were planning to go

straight to Fire Island, but
would you come home with me

and I'll pay for a cab for
you to go to Grand Central?

We've got an
11:00 train to catch.

Oh, Ron. We'll
catch a later one.

Hold it!

All clear.

- Hey, hey, hey! What is this?
- An armoire.

- You bought a stereo?
- Yeah.

Hey, you bought all this stuff today?
You sure that was just a little residual

or did someone in your
family die, darlin'?

Come on, Ron.

Check her bedroom.


Let go,
you impotent joke!

- That's not funny. She's really upset.
- Excuse me.

Listen. We have got to get to the beach
by 9:00. I've got serious rays to catch.

- You'll be okay in a little while.
- Come on.

- Hey! Do you want to come with us?
- No. It's fine, really.

Wait a minute. That's not a bad
idea. We could have a menage a trois.

You could sleep on the couch.

No. It's fine, really.
I appreciate it. Thanks.

Forget it. You should've seen me the
night I broke through. I was a basket case.

Wasn't I?

You were a basket case,
babe. Come on. Let's go.


You're a bad boy!

How many times have I told you,
"Not the sink, okay??" Now, get down.

Want something
to eat? Huh?

You're always hungry.
You have the appetite of a dog.

Here's your dinner.
Here we go.

Okay, now,
where's your dish?

You're not starving, are you?

The window's
the only way out.

- Operator.
- Operator?

Is it really a good idea to
bring the police into this?

This is the operator.
May I help you? Operator--

- Where's the money?
- What money?

- Get it.
- I don't have it.

Get it.


- I spent it.
- On what?

Armoire. I bought a stereo.
I had clothes to buy.

When's the last time
you went shopping?

- How much is left?
- $3,000.

- How much?
- What are you doing?

- Oh, a nun. That's typecasting, isn't it?
- Will you put those down?

Don't do that! They're irreplaceable. That's
every play and everything I've ever done!

Oh, irreplaceable, huh?

- How much?
- I told you. 3,000.

- How much?
- All right. 5,000.

5,000. I don't believe it.

Okay. 8,600.

- 8,600. That's all there is. I swear.
- 8,600? Get it.

- Get it!
- You know I got fired because of you today?

They fired me because you had the gall
to rob my window. Can you believe that?

Ugh. These are terrible.

8,600. Count it
if you don't believe me.

You have some set of balls
on you, you know that?

You would have done the
same thing in my position.


If you were a gentleman,
you'd give me half of that.

I'm not.

Well, the least you
can do is fix my door.

You're a clever girl.
You figure it out.

Where's my door knob?

- Don't do me any favors.
- I won't.

Don't touch me!

Do you want me
to put it in or don't you?

You see, the whole
trick to this thing

is that you've got to hold
the nuts while you screw.

- What's going on out here?
- Everything's fine, Mr. Chotiner.

Door knob fell off.
We're just screwing it in.

Who's he?

Nobody. - Nobody.

See? Works fine.

- It better.
- Harry? Harry, the healing's starting!

- The word is "thank you."
- Thank you?

You're welcome.

Let's not take the 7:00.
We have to get up too early.

- Let's get the 9:00.
- Let's take the 9:00.

That way we'll have a chance
to get some sun on the beach!

- What happened?
- We missed the last train.

- Oh, I'm s--
- Oh, you're very sorry.


- She doesn't give a damn.
- Shh!

- I don't care if she hears me.
- Well, I do.

Why should you? She's an
idiot, for God's sakes. Why?

- Do you wanna buy something?
- Like what?

Anything. My armoire, my stereo.
I'm broke. I need the cash.

Well, so do I.

What do you mean?
I just gave you $8,600.

Gave me?
That was my money.

It was the bank's money!

Announce it.
Tell everybody.

What do you need so
much money for, anyway?

My ears, okay?

- Your ears?
- Yeah, they're gonna slice'em off

if I don't come up with the difference
between what you spent and gave me.

I suppose you're tryin' to tell me
you're mixed up with the "underworld."

I'm expected to believe
that, I suppose, huh?

I don't give a damn
what you believe.

They really cut
off your ears, huh?

Oh, you sound excited.
Would you like to watch?

Yeah, but I'll
play it by ear.

Anyway, why
are you in debt?

Oh, I'm gonna
tell you, right?

You can tell me. You
know you can trust me.

- Oh, of course I can trust you.
- Don't tell me. I don't care.

My invention.
Check it out.

- Your invention?
- Yes.


More than that.
They're edible. Check it out.

- You're insane!
- Oh, come on. Taste it. Delicious.

They're great.

Ech! That's disgusting!

Tastes like shit!
They're absurd!

That's what they said about the
pet rock. It was a million-dollar industry.

I wouldn't buy a pet rock
and I certainly wouldn't buy those.

- Anyway, don't they melt?
- Slight oversight.

So, what else
did you invent?

I revolutionized somethin' that's
gonna revolutionize the pet industry.

- Do away with the flea collar.
- Hmm. What is it, a yeast spray?

It's a yeast spray?
Oh, it's so simple!

Yeah, well, good
ideas are. Good night.

- Taxi!
- Oh, we're so touchy.

- And I was gonna buy you dinner.
- Oh, really? With what?

I'll owe ya.

Come on.

Where to?

The Plaza.

- Hmm.
- I'll take your drinks to the table.


Did you ever
commit any other, uh--

- Crime?
- Yeah.

How do you think I got the
materials to make the sunglasses?

I broke into the special
effects department of a movie.

Never told anybody that, so
don't ever repeat it. You hear me?

Look, after what we went through today,
you really think I could tell anybody that?

There's one thing I'll
never do is break my word.

- Hi, Debbie! How are you?
- Oh, hi, Nicholas. How are you?

Great. Acapulco's great.
We miss you.

- It's good to see you.
- Good seeing you.

- Debbie, darling! How've you been?
- Hi, Bobby. How are you?

- Marvelous.
- Good to see you. You look great.

- Yes, so do you.
- Do you know what you want?

- No, but it seems you do.
- It's not what you think.

Who am I to judge? Come on.
You're a beautiful girl. This is New York.

A lot of rich guys.
Why not?

Did you know that one
night, one guy actually

offered me $10,000
to sleep with him?

- Oh, really? What did you do?
- Served him his dinner.

- You worked here?
- Yeah, before I was a bank teller,

but I hate to be
thought of as a waitress.

You're a snob.
Somebody's gotta serve the food.

Yeah, but not me.
I wanna work as an actress.

Believe me, you will.

I haven't worked
since I got here.

Don't actors
have dry spells?

Yes, but I'm beyond dry.
I'm almost desiccated.

Almost. See? There's a
little hope in this nice girl's life.

Yes, there is a little
glimmer on the horizon.

I'm praying I'm gonna get a
callback for this Broadway show.

I've auditioned for it five times.
The part is perfect for me.

The first time my
accent could work for me.

My agent says it's
between me and two other girls.

- What's the name of the show?
- Carnaby Street.

To Carnaby Street.

So nice to see
you, Mr. Beazley.

Please follow me.
This way.

Ah, my good man,
the cane on the chair, please.

Bon appetit.

You Busby,
the guy that called?


Who referred you?
How'd you get my number?

I have had your number,
dear boy, since you were born.


Your mother's on the phone.


Hey! Stuart. I got
something for you, man.

For her sake, I hope you do, because
if you don't, I'm gonna cut her ears off.

What if l told you
I had half the money.

I'll only cut off one ear.

Freeze it!

Oh, come on, Charlie.

Come on, old mate. You can't
keep doing this, can you? It's unfair.

- Let's set some guidelines.
- There's something you should know.

If there's a flood, he is
bringing everyone up there.

- Hmm.
- Don't laugh. It's true.

There'll be no
more people down here.

You'll be reduced to
having to teach evil to animals.

- Charlie, you're peachy.
- Well, think about it.

Do you really believe he would
willingly help you fill your place?

Well, he is the one
that's going to flood the world.

I suppose he must know
what he's doing, mustn't he?

Beazley, I'm
telling you the truth.

Both of us will be out of business
if those two don't fall hopelessly in love.

You sound frightened.
I love fear.

Listen, you evil bastard.
I'm telling you the truth!

Language. Language.

Do you want
to set some rules?

- You won't abide by rules!
- No. I want to win without manipulation.

You see, mankind is
basically selfish, rotten and evil.

- And I want to rub it right in his light.
- Stop that!

Don't you understand, you fool?
Both of us will lose in a flood.

Don't you understand, you fool?
Both of us will lose in a flood.

As you say, Charlie boy.
No rules. Unfreeze!

- Freeze!
- This is ridiculous! Fast-forward.

Freeze it! Rewind!

- Freeze it!
- Fast-forward!

Freeze it! Rewind!

Freeze it! Fast-forward.

Freeze it. Rewind.


Temperamental, isn't he?

Charlie, stop
abusing your powers.

Hello, there, Governor!
How are you doing?

Stay calm, please!

A pipe must have broken.

Please. No fighting!

Please, gentlemen,
this is an elegant restaurant!

Oh, Charlie boy!

I want my money!

Hey! Come on, guys!
Can't we talk about this?

Who is it?

Debbie, it's me.


Please open up the door.
I have to talk to you.

- I have nothing to say to you.
- Please open up the door.

Look. What kind of a
man are you, anyway?

You just left me there. They were gonna
cut my ears off, but what do you care, huh?

You don't care about
anybody but yourself.

I - I ran away because
I knew that they'd follow me.

Ha! You ran away
to save your own neck!

That's not true. I had the money.
I knew that they'd come after me.

- What's that smell?
- It's me.

Don't ask any questions.
I don't have the answers.

Look, all I know is suddenly the place was
flooded. Everybody started throwing food.

- That's all I know.
- You're weird. You know?

- I mean, you are really weird.
- Can I come in and tell you the rest?

- Probably the weirdest guy I've ever met!
- Please?

I'm gonna end this relationship
right now, okay? It's just masochistic.

Look. Before you
end it, could I have a towel?

- Wait there. Okay? Don't move.
- I'll drip right here.


- Thank you.
- So what happened?

I don't know. The maitre d'
said that a pipe broke.

A pipe broke?

In your apartment?

No, stupid.
In the Plaza.

I can't stand that guy.

Now, what's going on?

Stuart grabbed the money, it went
all over the place, and now I'm broke.

So what do you want?
What did you come here for?

- You wanted a towel, right?
- That-- That's exactly the reason.

That's it!

This is interesting. It says that human
intelligence hasn't changed in 10,000 years.

Yeah, we're just as dumb now as we
were then. We just know a few more facts.

How is it that I'm in there,
hanging up your clothes, and you're--

How is it that I'm in there,
hanging up your clothes, and you're--

I'm hanging up your washing,
and you're lying there reading my book?

Well, according to
this book, it would be

because men have
larger brains than women.

You'd better read on, because it
also says that it's relative to body size

and that a woman's brain is equal
to, if not slightly larger, than a man's.

- Good night.
- Come on.

- Oop!
- Come on, Debbie.

- Bedtime.
- Don't go to bed.

It's time to sleep.
Come on.

- Aren't we having fun?
- A wonderful time, but good night.

- I heard your cat.
- You did?

- Yeah. It's outside.
- You sure?

- Definitely.
- Poor Brando.

- I don't see him.
- That's all right. He'll come back.

Miss Wylder?

Would you care to dance?

I'm sorry, but, uh, I promised
this dance to a gentleman.

Oh, well, then I guess
I'll go home to the sewer.

Uh, but he's a little late,
so I'll slum it for one number.

- What if you get your hands dirty?
- Song's almost over.

You smell good.

- So do you... now.
- Do I?

Oh. Now.

- Let me look.
- Forget about them down there.

- Please.
- Finish your apple. Don't eat it so loud.

Shame on you.

But I was just seein' if
everything's gonna be okay.

- Mmm. You feel so good.
- Mmm. Zack, don't do that.

It's no good. We're just
drivin' each other crazy.

I don't mind gettin' crazy.

I do.

I'm not gonna make love.

All right. Just don't
stop touching me, okay?

Oh. That's right.

- You feel good.
- Don't. Stop.

- You want me to stop?
- Yes. No.

Oh, God.

No. We'll end up making love.

We won't do anything
you don't wanna do.

- That's a bad line.
- It's not a line. I mean it.

- You do?
- I think so.

- Hey, guys, you wanna take a look?
- Yeah.

Well, you can't.

I guess you're mad at me
now 'cause I don't want to.

No. I think you're right. I wouldn't
make love to me either if l were you.

No. I mean, I wanna make love to you,
but-- I don't know. I'm glad you won't.

- Men are insane.
- They're the scourge of the earth.

Look. If l had a daughter,
I wouldn't let one near her.

Okay? As a matter of fact, if
someone like myself came to my door

to take my daughter out,
I think I'd get a gun.

There's plenty of time.
I'm not goin' anywhere.

I'm not leavin' New York.

You were so! You flirt with them.
Every single time we go out, you flirt--

Oh. Sorry.
Don't stop. Don't stop.

Do you know how long it's been
since this woman's done that?

Oh, Ron!

Just a second.
Come back here!

No. We never really got along.
His friends tell me he's a great guy, but--

He's really not bad.
It's just that he's--

I guess he was just disappointed in
his only son and all that kind of thing.

- What did he want you to be?
- Him.


How about you? What did you do when
you got here? Did you know anybody?

No. I didn't know
anybody. All I did know was

that I wanted to be an
actress, a good one,

and where I come from
ambition is a rather dirty word.

So, one day I packed my bags,
and the next day I was here.


- What? What are you thinking?
- I don't believe you took that money.

You can't believe it.
I can't believe it either.

I mean, it was right there,
and I needed the money, and, um--

I still don't believe that I did
it myself, but I always do things

on the spur of
the moment, and--

What's the matter with the horse?

She's old.

But, you know, I've
had her for a long time.


Zack, I've gotta
get my messages, okay?

Debb, this is Milton. You got the
final callback for Carnaby Street.

- Zack!
- It's 10:00 this morning at the Palace.

- 10:00? Oh, no!
- Debbie, this is Milton. Where are you?

- It's 2:30. Get over there by 3:00.
- Zack, please.

- Oh, damn it! Milton?
- Hello?

- Milton, Debbie.
- Great.

- What?
- You blew it.

I'm sorry. What happened?

What do you think happened?
You should have had the part.

- You were better.
- No. Come on!

- Forget it.
- Can't they see me tomorrow?

- It was a final callback.
- You must be able to--

There's nothing I can do.
I've had it with you. Good-bye.


- What happened?
- It's cast.


- There'll be other parts.
- There won't be other parts!

You don't understand.
I've been here eight months.

How many parts
do you think there are

for an Australian who's
never worked a day in this town?

Oh, no!

Charlie, take a look.

- Not at the apartment.
- Down on the street.

Where is it?

It's apartment--
It's apartment eight.

Hey, wait a minute.
Who are you?

- What do you want?
- Yeah. Who are you?

- What do you want?
- I want you to get what's coming to you.

What do you want?
A cut? How much?

I want you, sunshine.
I like you.

I want him.

I think you're despicable.

What now, Charlie?

Well, you can't do anything.
He's forbidden us to use our powers.

- That's because you abuse them.
- Boys.

- Relax. Eat a marshmallow.
- Forget the marshmallows.


I understand missing chances. My
whole life is a series of missed chances.

Believe me.
There'll be other parts.

There won't be other parts.
It's different for you.

- How?
- You can create your own inventions.

I can't create
my own parts.

My inventions? They're
probably destroyed right now.

- I can't go home and find out.
- Well, at least you have a home.

Because of you, I was evicted. I don't
have any money. I don't have anywhere to live.

You got more than me.
You got all this stuff.

Oh, all this stuff?

Why don't you take it then? Take all this!
Take my armoire, TV and stereo and sell it.

- I don't want it.
- Suddenly you have ethics?

- Yes, I have ethics.
- What ethics?

I keep trying. That's my ethic.
I stay one step ahead of everybody.

Look. I don't wait for
anybody to give me anything.

Hey, things aren't
going that well for me either.

I mean, I'm a gimmick man.
I got novelties I make

and most of them really suck.

But I'll tell you something. One day I'm
gonna do something I'm definitely proud of.

That's my ethic:
to keep goin',

which is exactly what
I should do right now.

Why couldn't they calm down and talk?
They forgot they were having a wonderful time.

- Where's the money?
- I don't have it.

Get her!

Where's my money?

It's gone!

What do you mean, it's gone?
I want my money!

- I've got some money.
- Get it.

Cover him.

I like your doorbells.

Come on.

Ten dollars?

That's it. Didn't you
guys get any at the Plaza?

Boss, I think
he's tellin' the truth.

I am tellin' the truth.

Gag him.

Yeah-- No. Boss, but I
think he's tellin' the truth. Really.

You'll do what I tell you!
Now, hold his mouth!

All right. Hold this!
There you go.

Take your 10 dollars and go. Get out
of here. Quick. Take it. Get out of here!

- What are you doing?
- Don't be mad.

Don't be mad?
You're gonna pay for this!


Hold it right there.
Let's go. Let's go.

You have the right to remain
silent, refuse to answer any questions.

Anything you say will be
used against you in a court oflaw.

You know the rest. Let's go.
In the car. Let's go, lady. You too.

Hey, Sarge, you gonna
tell 'em about the reward?

Thank you, sir.
There will be a reward.

No. Please, officer. I'm simply
doing my duty as a good citizen.

Come on.

Come on. Give it up, Zack. I mean,
they fired her because she flirted with you.

You came away with nothing.
She took the money. We figured that out.

But if you'll testify against her, we'll
charge you as an accessory to the robbery.

I'll talk to the D.A., who's a friend, and
I might be able to get you off on probation.

Now, this is the last time I'm
gonna make this offer, Zack.

What do you say?

Just what I've been saying.
I don't know what this is about.

All right. I'll talk to her. And just
watch how fast she makes a deal.


Okay, Debbie. Come on.

- Hey, what you doin' with her, man?
- Hey, where you takin' her?

You said before you didn't know
Zack before he came in to rob the bank.

I didn't say I knew the
man who robbed the bank.

- We know it was Zack.
- Then what do you want from me?

Shut up over there!

Debbie, I wanna
give you a chance

to refute the allegations
that Zack made against you.

Look, I've seen police shows,

and I know how you try and
turn people against one another.

It's not gonna work with me.

What you got?

That Beazley fella says we should ask
Zack about the special effects robbery.

All right.

Just turn around
and stare at her.

Man, she threw you to the sharks!
We got more than we needed.

She didn't tell you anything.

You know, it's funny.
I mean, the police had given up

on trying to figure out who
pulled that special effects robbery.

You know, I meet women
like her every day.

She didn't care about you;
only the money.

I just hope you didn't have
any plans for the next 10 years.

- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- You want to make a deal?

- Yes.
- Then you tell me the truth right now.

- Fine.
- Good.

All right. She did
take the money, okay?

I went to her window at the bank.
She gave me what I thought was the money

but when I got home, that bag
was filled with envelopes and papers.

- She took it.
- Okay.

Come on, Debbie.
Now, look.

We don't wanna put you
away, Debbie. We want him.

He thinks I made
some kind of a deal. I didn't.

Now, I can get 'em to reduce the
charges against you to embezzlement--


"No"? Are you crazy? I'm off--
I'm offering you probation.

I got you either way, but if you
identify him you don't go to jail.

I've got nothing more to say.

Debbie. Now, the next 10 years
of your life are on the line.

Believe me. You don't wanna go to jail,
be stuck behind bars, treated like an animal.

And when you get out, you'd be deported.
Either way, you'll never see him again.

Look. Why are you so willing
to sacrifice your entire life

for a guy who doesn't
give a damn about you?

I don't believe that.

He turned against you!

Aw. Okay.

Come on.
Just come on.


You're a fool.

But it's not fair. He wasn't going
to betray her until Beazley interfered.

The devil's always around to tempt
man. Zack shouldn't have lost faith.

But she didn't. She's going to
jail rather than testify against him.

That's love. Even though she's
furious, she won't turn on him.

That's a sacrifice.
That's half a miracle.

- I want a whole miracle.
- He'll come around.

I know he will. Give us more
time. Please give us one more week.

- I guarantee he'll come around.
- You're guaranteeing me?

Sorry. Tomorrow's the last night.
At midnight, mankind is a memory.

Where is the assistant district attorney?
Does he think we have all day?

Where did Charlie go?
He said he'd be right back.

I don't know where he went.
Do you know where he went?

No. I don't know.

Your Honor,
may I approach the bench?

The cassette now is gone. Someone
must have broken into the room and taken it.

Hey, Debbie. I guess we got
lucky that tape got lost, huh?

- I was lucky. You didn't need luck.
- What are you talkin' about?

I told you
I'd never break my word.

What do you mean?

It's just a shame that you
can be tricked, isn't it, Zack?

Come, now.
It was a valiant effort.

Well, she did come
through for him, didn't she?

But to get him to
perform a great sacrifice...

Well, that was
unrealistic, wasn't it?

All right. Let's drop the act.
He wouldn't flood the world.

I mean, where
would everybody go?

You suppose
he'd give them to me?

I told you. He's going to bring
everyone up. He's going to end life.

It'll be like man never existed, because
no one will be here to remember him.

Except you.

When I think that she risked everything
for me-- She could've gone to jail.

- She's incredible.
- Sounds like a beautiful lady.

- Do you love her?
- Yes, I do love her.

Tell her.

- You wait here for me, all right?
- I'll be here for you.


Hey! Psst!

- Hi.
- You ready?

- Yeah.
- Get in.


Debbie, your chicken salad's up,
and I think that table's ready to order.



- Can I talk to you?
- I can't talk right now.

- What time do you get off?
- Late. Too late for you.

Well, we'll wait.

- "We"?
- I brought the horse and buggy.

Can I get an order to go?

She takes the orders to go.

You want an order to go?
I'll get you a menu.

- What happened?
- Some guy just hit a poster shop.

Second robbery this week.
You want an order to go?


- What's going on here?
- There was a robbery.

Look. Have you
found Earl and Gonzales?


Ohh. What a time
for them to disappear.

I want you to get
this area cleared out.

Excuse me. Police. We have a gunman in
the area, and I have to evacuate the premises.

Let's go.

Clear the street.

People coming out of the
restaurant, this way, this way.


Get out of here, Zack.
He's gonna kill me.

Come on. Look. You want
her to stay alive? Come on.

Come on.
That's it. Come on.

Come on.

Come on! Go!

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on!
Get him back there. Get him back there.

- What are you gonna do, man?
- Hey. Back behind the barricade.

That's my girlfriend in there.
What are you gonna do?

Wait to hear his demands.

Oh, just wait?
That's it?

What do you suggest we do?
Go in there with guns blazing?

Come on. Back behind
the barricade, please.


Why is it Ruth and I are the
only ones who give a damn?

Where have the
two of you been?

- We went up to talk with him.
- You did?

We begged him for
more time. He said no.

Well, he wants $11.48 and a
chopper to fly him to Newark.

Eleven dollars
and 48 cents? Newark?

- Who's in Newark?
- His mother.

His mother? That's terrific. We got
another "looney tunes" on our hands.

Just what the city needs.

He's giving us one
hour to meet his demands.

- Or what?
- He's gonna kill that waitress.

- Off! Get him off the roof!
- Get him off, man!

Please get him off!

All right. All right. Off, everybody!
Get them off! Clear everyone off that roof!

Everybody! Clear them!
Evacuate the rooftops.

Clear everyone off that roof!

We're going up to the roof, and if anybody
surprises him on the way, I'm dead!

There'll be no surprises.

- We cleared positions. We're off the roof.
- That's good. Okay.

- Let's just wait him out.
- I don't agree. We have no cover from here.

- I said we'll wait him out.
- You can't wait him out.

Would you get him
behind the barricade?

The helicopter! Where
is it? Please get it!

It's coming!
It's coming.

- Is there a helicopter?
- What? Are you kidding?

No! No!
Go get him!

Let go of me!

No! No! No!

Take him out.


Zack? Zack!
Zack. Oh, Zack.

Zack? Zack!
Zack. Oh, Zack.

Zack, no.
Zack. Zack.

No! No, Zack!
I'm here with you.

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- I'm sorry.
- No. Zack. No.

You saw him fall. He
had to have been killed.

Where's the body? Where the hell did
it go? Sergeant you check the stairway.

You come with me. We'll
check the other side of the roof.

No! No!

No! Oh, Zack!

Oh, no!

Zack, I love you.




Very tricky.

- Man.
- Zack.

What happened?

You were shot.

- I don't understand.
- I don't either.

Zack, hold me.

I'll be right back.


- Did I hear you say that you love me?
- You did.

I love you.
I love you. I love you.

You're crazy.

Those don't belong to me.


Bruno! Bruno!
What happened?

- You're not gonna believe it.
- Try me.

Hey. Can you
spare a cigarette?

- Don't smoke.
- You read?

- Do I know you?
- Course you do.


- Where'd he go?
- I don't know.

God. This has
been a crazy week.

It sure has.