Two If by Sea (1996) - full transcript

Frank O'Brien, a petty thief, and his 7-year-long girlfriend Roz want to put an end to their unsteady lifestyle and just do that _last_ job, which involves stealing a valuable painting. Frank takes Roz to an island on the coast of New England, where he wants to sell the painting and also hopes that their sagging relationship will get a positive push back up. Not everything goes as planned, as some thugs and the FBI try to recover the painting and Roz gets attracted not only to the landscape...

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♪ Do you remember
that sunny day ♪

♪ Somewhere in London ♪

♪ In the middle
of nowhere? ♪

♪ Didn't have nothin'
to do that day ♪

♪ Didn't want
to do nothing ♪

♪ Anyway ♪

♪ You got a way
of walkin' ♪

♪ You got a way
of talkin' ♪

♪ And there's somethin'
about you ♪

♪ And now I know ♪

♪ I never ever wanna
be without you ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ Of your precious love ♪

♪ You got a way
of walkin' ♪

♪ You got a way
of talkin' ♪

♪ And there's somethin'
about you ♪

♪ That's the kind
of girl I am ♪

♪ He's my kind
of guy ♪

♪ And now I know ♪

♪ I never ever wanna
be without you ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ I wanna be haunted
by the ghost ♪

♪ And now I know ♪

♪ I never ever wanna be
without you... ♪

By the way, I, uh...

I like your hair.

No, you don't.

No, I do. It's, uh...

it's nice.


You think for 150 bucks

they could make it
all one color?



Shut up.

This style happens to be very popular
in New York right now.

All the top models
are wearing it.

Christy Turlington,
Linda Evangelista...

Yeah, well...

Claudia Schiffer.

Maybe in New York
you can walk around like that.

But walk around
Boston like that,

you look like
you can't make up your mind.

I'm from New York.

I think I know more
about fashion than you do.

So, you drive down
twice a year to New York,

and all of a sudden
you're Christie Brinkley?

We live four hours from the cultural
and entertainment mecca

of the Western Hemisphere.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking
about restaurants,

I'm talking about museums,

and I'm talking about
the theater.

I'm talking about

We have seen Batman Returns
12 times now.

No, no. We've seen
three different Batman movies

four times each.

You know what?
They all sucked.

I'm not driving
four hours each way

just to see fags dressed up
in tights and fake whiskers

to be cats.

How about bugs?
They got their own show yet?

A guy dressed up like a bat,
that's O.K., right?

But a guy dressed up
like a cat is a fag?

Batman's different.

He's got the cape
and... and the cowl...

And spends all his time
with a teenage boy.

Talk to the hand,
all right?

You know what?

You smell like smoke.


Did you have a cigarette
back there?

No, I didn't.

I haven't had one
in two months.

You had one,
didn't you?

No. Read the map.

Did you have a cigarette
back there?

Read the fucking map
and tell me where I am.

- Read the map yourself.
- Great.

That's just
fucking great.


What's wrong with you?

This requires a plan.

This is big time.

I planned it.

like Homer Simpson.

"Beano's got a job
for me.

"All I got to do
is pick up a painting

and drive to Rhode Island."

"Think of it
as a ride in the country.

It's a ride
in the country, honey."

This is
a ride in the country.

If you'd changed the oil
in your 1972...

Nova. Nova.

Fucking shitbag,

then I wouldn't have
to steal this car,

the cops wouldn't
have seen us,

and we'd be on
our merry way.

What are you doing?

Taking a right.

You don't even know
where you're going.

Remember the map?

Those were
the fucking days.

The map days.

See you later, fellas.


Oh, my God.

I got you something.

Oh, my God.

It's a little... cat.

Did you steal this
from the house?




I love it.

Oh, I want
to look at this. Ow.

Oh, honey,
that's beautiful.


Take a good look,

because she's worth
about 100 grand.

My cut's 10 thou.

Our cut, honey.


We're a team, honey.

We do things together.

My little pookie.


My little stud muffin.

In the back.


Go in the back.

In the back?

you've got to...

Honey, no.
Take your jacket off.

Just take your jacket off.

Shit, honey,
we're on the painting.



Shit. Honey,
I lost the cat.


I lost the cat.

I lost the cat.

Fuck the cat, honey.

Holy shit. A train.

Tickets, please.

Narragansett station
stop next.

Next stop Narragansett.


Train to the ferry.
Hit the island. Perfect.

What time
we meet the buyer?



Good, good, good.




today's Thursday.

I know,
but Beano wanted me

to steal a painting
on Sunday morning,

do the whole job
in one day.

But I figured, why not make
a weekend out of it?


Two for Narragansett,

Shit. My wallet.


I must have left
my wallet in my...

other pants.

Oh, please...

allow me.

You left the stolen car
at the train station.

Stolen car, train station,

These aren't college graduates
we're talking about.

These are cops.
They're like...

like garbagemen
with guns.

And second of all,

sometimes the best way
to do something

is to do the most obvious thing
in broad daylight.

People don't even
pick up on it.

Oh... ho.

O.K., then...




Follow me, Einstein.

the painting.

Shoot. Shoot.

Give me your, uh,
your screwdriver.

Open for Mommy. Open.

All right.

O.K., honey.

Oh, jeez. All right.

1... 2...

You're going
to jump?

I got it.

I got it.

Come on, honey.

Come on, sweetie.

Just back up again.


Honey, you O.K.?

Come on. Give me...

O.K. I got you.

What are we going to do now?

We wait.

Oh, Frank. Why don't you use
a tissue or something?

that wasn't me.


Ohh, Frank,
they're so cute.

puppies are cute.

These are just cheeseburgers
with legs.

Come on.

O.K., Frank...




Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

What are you doing?


Frank, come on.

No, no.

Don't take off
your shoes.

Just come on,


O'Malley. FBI.




L... I don't know.

I just thought
you'd be more, uh...

More Irish.

Yes, sir.

Top o' the fucking morning
to you.

Yes, sir.

It appears the perpetrator
made forced entry

through the rear via
use of a blunt object,

possibly a shoe.

Lose the legalese,

He kicked
the door in.

What's that?

Plaster, sir.

The suspect may have worked with
plaster recently.

The perpetrator then entered
the living room,

where he absconded
with the painting in question...

Odalisque With Red Culottes
by Henri Matisse,

approximate worth
$4 million...

according to
the owner.

What was that?

$4 million...

The guy's name?

Henri Matisse.

He's French.

I know
he's fucking French,

but you're not French,
so say "Henry."

Also missing,
one black ceramic cat,

approximate worth $3.79,

again, according to
the owner.

A what?

A ceramic cat,

It was
her favorite.

Excuse me, sir.

There's no smoking
in here.

House rules.

What's with the TV?

It appears that the perpetrator
tried to, uh...

Tried to cop a TV.

Yes, sir. We feel
it was too heavy for him.

Guy lifts
a $4 million painting.

What does he want with a TV?

Maybe he thought the ceramic cat
would look good on it.

What do you think?
Phil the Shill, huh?

Don't start with me, Peters.

I forgot.

Phil the Shill
is dead.

Who would know that
better than you?

Did he ever tell you
the story about Phil the Shill?


I'm not in the mood
today, Peters.


Back in 1982,

O'Malley was assigned
to some big art heist.

Figures it was the work of this
famous New York thief

named Phil the Shill.

Anyway, he spent the next 18 months
tracking this guy.

And one day, guess who drops dead
in the Cayman Islands?

Phil the Shill.


Case closed?

Not for O'Malley

He spent
the next year

and a quarter million dollars
on what?

Trying to find
a dead guy.

He faked it.

He faked his...

own death.

Yeah, sure.

Oh, God.

O.K., honey,
we're walking.

We're walking.

We're walking.

We're making a right.


Here you go.

You want a breath mint?

Can you hold this, please?

O.K. How do we make a weekend
on $8 and...

75 cents?

Follow me, hon.


I'll get Beano
to wire us some money.

He won't give you money
when you're standing in front of him.

What makes you think
he's going to wire it?

He sent me here.
He'll do it.

Christ, Beano,
the thing don't work.

What do you expect
for 50 bucks?

Next time,
steal it yourself.


Hey, Beano...


Come on, Jimmy.

How you doing?




it's Frank.

What'll you give me
for the whole box?

50 bucks.

What are you, nuts?

Me? You're the guy
carrying a box of phones.

75 bucks.

Hold on.

Big job, Frankie.
Big job.


Actually, Beano, I...

I already did the job.


Will you answer
these phones?

What job, Frank?

You know, the, uh,
the painting.

'Cause I figured
what the heck?

Make a weekend
out of it...


Make a weekend
out of what?

The painting.

You stole the painting

Yeah. I got it
right here.

This is not my day!


what the hell?

Uh, well, see,
the thing is...

we don't get away
that much, so...


We? Who's we?

Me and Roz, see,

'cause we don't take
a lot of vacations...

Ow! Ah!


Rappaport. Rappaport.


No. I just thought...


My mother was right.
You are retarded...

You and that Jewish broad
of yours.

Leave Roz out of this.

You could have dated
a neighborhood girl.

But not Frank.

I got it all figured out.

Why don't we
make the drop today,

since the painting's here?
Then get the buyer...

You think
I just pick a day?

Sunday. Sox are
out of town.

It's set up
for a reason.

The buyer's out of town.

He's due back
on guess what day?


Lucky guess.

I got to think.

Check in the hotel,
don't leave that island,

and make sure you're at that fish plant
at 5:00 on what day?


Memorize it!

Look, Beano...

uh, how will I
know the guy?

If the wrong guy turns up
at the abandoned fish plant

at the end of
a deserted pier on Sunday

with $20,000 in cash...


Sell him
the fucking painting!

Did you tell him
you lost your wallet?

I didn't lose it.

I know exactly
where it is.

It's home...

top of the bureau.

Found it on
the driver's seat.

Different name
every credit card.

Seems pretty small time,
you know, sir.

It's a $4 million
painting, Burke.

That's never small time.

What's this?

It's vacant
till Sunday.

That's all that matters.

What do you say...
back door?


All right.

They'd expect us
to go to the back door.

We go to the front.

Hey. Hey.

This ain't Boston,

All right?


What, you looking
for a key?

No, I'm looking
for your brain.

You think somebody
would actually leave a key?

It might be up here.

The front door
of a house?

This key right here?

Is that what you're
talking about?

I'm just checking.


Mmm... nice.



You carry it.



This place
is a gold mine.

Not here.
It's bad karma.

Where'd you learn that...
Night school?


what have we here?


"Dear Todd, please make sure
to water the plants

and pick up
the newspaper..."


"Hi Mom & Dad,
having a wonderful time.

Dale Jr. And Vivian."

"We'll see you
on Sunday the 11th.

We'll be flying back from Chicago.
Joan Rappaport."

Don't think so, Todd.


Where's the TV
around here, huh?

Police in Newport,
Rhode Island,

are investigating
the theft of a painting

from one of the most
prominent art collectors.

FBI spokesmen
say the painting,

Odalisque With Red Culottes,

is valued at
approximately $4 million...

Buyer said it's worth
500 grand.

You told Frankie
it was worth 100 grand.

...believe to be part of
a major international ring

took the painting
from the mansion...

I'm going to get
that painting

and sell it myself
for real money.

This is a horse that
still runs six panels in a buck five.

I don't think they're
going to negotiate

on the stud fee.

Let me call you back.

We ran the prints
off the toy cat.

"Francis Michael O'Brien.

"Drunk and disorderly
in Fenway Park in '79.

of fireworks.

"Scalping tickets

in front
of a Ticketmaster."

That's a new one.

With all due respect, sir,

let's leave this one
to the state police.

We're going after him,

They got a Jacuzzi
in there.

The bathroom's the size
of Madison Square Garden.

There's a quiz in here called
"Are you in a dead-end relationship?"

There's no TV
in this house.

Now, if this was
our house,

I'd have a TV,
like, right in here.

A bar or something.

Who locks the bar?

answer the question.

"You just had
a big fight.

"Does he
A... resume normal activity,

"B... go for a walk,

or C... pour himself a drink
and turn on the ballgame?"

There is no TV in here.


Now, that's what
I call class.

A... resume normal

O.K., number 2...
"An old boyfriend comes into town

"and asks you to dinner.

"Do you A... accept
the invitation

"as long as your current boyfriend
can come along,

"B... sneak off to the dinner
but don't tell him,

or C... turn down the invitation
and keep it to yourself?"


There's a tough one.

You'd tell him
to go fuck himself,

and then I'd beat the shit
out of him, right?

That's not what I did
last time.

Very funny.

Was is that prick
Andy Porcini?

Shit. Andy, there's
somebody at the door.

You just called me Andy.

Honey, you just said,
"Andy, there's somebody at the..."

No, I didn't.

Roz, that's what
you just said.

You said, " Andy,
there's someone at the door."

Shh! I was kidding,
all right?

I can tell
when you're joking, O.K.?

That was not a joke.

Think he's a cop?

He's too


First you said the thing about
Andy Porcini,

then he's... this guy's...


Hi. Sorry
to intrude.

Evan Marsh

from just across
the way.

Who are you people?

We're friends
of the Rappaports.

Uh, my name is Roz.
How are you?

Oh, hi.

This is Frank.

There's not supposed
to be anybody here.

We're friends
of Dale Jr. And Vivian's.

We go skiing with them
every year in Aspen.

Dale didn't mention
that you were, uh...

Well, it was because
it was so last-minute.

We just... we just got on the phone,
we called Todd.


Said, "We'll take care of the place
for the weekend.

Just take your cares

They were, uh,
they were in, uh...


Chicago. And...

We just saw them up...
we saw them...

At Easter.

Easter. With...
Up in, um...

The cape.

Because, uh,
we had this party.

The party.

And Dale was shitfaced.


Well, this is propitious.

I'm having a little bash at my place
tomorrow night. Cocktails.

Perhaps you'd care
to stop by.

L... I would, uh...
I would love to.

I mean,
if you don't want to.

Sure. No, no.

Frank, you know, he's...
I would love to.

Well, I'll see you
tomorrow night.


Good night.

All righty.

Think he's gay?


Look at his pants.

Honey, gay people
wear tight pants.

Here it is.

"Propitious... favorable,
auguring well,

and favorably inclined."

You know,
it just means, like...

He could have just said
wicked good.

Oh, my God, honey,
look at this.

This is the painting
that you stole.

Oh, my God.

"Odalisque al... a la...


This is


Oh, my God.

"Henri Matisse,"

the guy
who painted it.

It's pretty old.

This place is nice.


You know?


This bed...

the books.

The books?

Yeah, the books.
They look nice.

Nice books?

You're always saying
we never go anywhere.

Here we are.

Oh, I know what
you're doing.

I know what
you're doing.

Don't even...
don't even try. Don't even.

Come on, now.

Know what?

I was wrong
about that dye job.

Oh, yeah?

I like the color.

All three colors.

Now that I'm lying here
half naked,

it's not so...
what'd you call it... weird?

Is that what
you called it?

That's a horrible thing...


I don't know.
It's just...

You know, even though
I hate what we do...


You know,
well, what you do.

It's just... sometimes it's just
really exciting.

It's, like, where we are
on the water

and the house
and all the books, great bed.

Great books. We got a great bed
and great books.


♪ Got a great bed ♪

♪ Got a great bed♪

I would never hurt you.

You know
what we should do?

We should get out
more often.

We should go to my sister's place
down on Long Island.

We'll have the whole place
to ourselves.

What's the matter?
What do you want?

Kiss me.

Yeah. Get some
of those candles.

Those oils.


Get almond oil.
That's my favorite.

'Cause it tastes
like peanut butter?

And get the...

Maybe, uh...

maybe we should...



I was just thinking
of this thing I told Jimmy about,

but I can cancel it.

What did you tell Jimmy?

No, it was just this thing
with Jimmy.

What did you
tell Jimmy?

Honey, it was nothing.

You said
this was going to be

the last time
that you pull a job like this.

You were
going to pull this job

then go work
for your uncle.

That was the plan,

But, no, it's not...



It's not what
you think it is.

He's got a truckload
of hotel TVs coming in...

I just collect the money.
It's 3 grand.

You say 3,
you come home with 500.

All right,

you were guaranteed
$1,000 with your uncle, honey.


I hate that job.
Plastering walls eight hours a day.

You're either a contractor,
or you are a thief.

You're a contractor
or a thief.

How many thieves you know
got day jobs?

How many you know?

A lot.

Me... Jimmy...



Fucking Nicky,
fucking... you suck.

Don't touch me,
all right? You suck.

Honey, all right.


You're a cashier
at Barnes and Noble.

It's not like
you're some...

Don't even go there,
all right?

I'm a cashier,
not a thief.


Look nothing. I don't want
to do this anymore.

What do you want?

We're having this argument,
like, all the time.

You want to know
what I want?

I want a lot
of things.

I want... I would like
to have a house.

We talked about that.

You want me to list
these things off?

I'd like kids
and to go to Europe.

Europe? What the fuck?

I'd like
to see Italy.

You're fucking Jewish.


Get out.

Look, honey,
let me... let me...

Don't touch me.
Get out.

What happened here?

Don't talk to me.

Is this one of those
hormone things?

Beer? Forget the beer
and get in the car!

Only taking
three cases.

That ain't going
to last us till Sunday.

Where's my phone?

In the box.

In the box?

Did your mother
take thalidomide?


Get in the car.

Hey, Beano,
Frank is on the phone.

Hey, Fitzie,
come with me.

The French impressionist
painting by Henri Matisse

said to be worth
more than $4 million.

Thieves dumped their car
a few miles from the mansion,

then stole another vehicle
before leading police

on a high-speed
car chase.

High-speed car chase? FBI?

What are you,
Burt Reynolds?

W-what about the $4 million,
Mr... Mr... Mr. L-Liar?

What the guy told me
I told you.

I swear
on my mother's eyes.

Your mother's dead,

The point is, Frank,
we're going to get more money.

Don't worry. Just stay put.
Where are you?

I don't know.
Some house.

...the past seven years.

18 Beach Road.

18 Beach Road.

Got it.

And, Frank, if the FBI
comes down on me...

The FBI's not
going to come down on anybody.

What do they got
to go on?

The only name that checks out
is Beano Callahan.

He's been arrested twice
for fencing stolen goods,

and he's O'Brien's cousin.

It can't be this easy.

you give me a break.

You expect me
to authorize travel expenses

for another Phil the Shill
wild goose chase?

He's dead.

I got information
that the fence is on the move.

I think he'll lead us
to the painting.

You want to go back
to a desk?

No, sir, I don't.

You got till 9 A.M.
Monday morning.

Where's my money,
you asshole?

The 50 bucks!

What are you
talking about?

I work for these people.

I know you're not
supposed to be here,

and you took my money.

If I don't get it back
in three seconds,

I'm calling the cops.




Money's not in my hand.
You blew it big time.

Go ahead.
Call the cops.

See if I care.

Got any I.D.?

Uh... I.D.

Driver's license?

I got a kid over
by Sea Cliff Road

says no one's
supposed to be here.

Which shower did Dale say...
I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I'm so sorry.

Pardon me.

I didn't know
anyone was here.

We had a report.

Nobody told us.

You know what?
Jeez, that's Dale for you.




Good morning.

Hello, Herbert.

I see you've met Roz

and, uh...

- Frank.
- Frank.


They're here for the weekend.
Is there a problem?

We had a report
there were intruders.

They're friends
of Dale Jr.

Have you caught
that raccoon yet?

We're working on it.



Thought you might like
to go sailing.


Uh, we can't go sailing
because, uh...

Roz hates boats.

Frank, I don't hate boats.
You hate the boats.

I don't hate
the boats.

You O.K.?

Shouldn't have eaten
that celery.

Rain Man
and Terminator 2.

Did you ever see
Fast Times at Ridgemont High?

It's great.

Phoebe Cates is in it.

I need the phone.

I got to go. Bye.

What's up?

You found
the raccoon.

Where's that number
Dale Rappaport left me?

The hotel in Chicago?

What's going on?

I don't know.
Got a hunch, though.

Just remind him
he's overdue on Basic Instinct.

Mr. Dale Rappaport.

Could you ask him
to call Sheriff Horn?

He knows the number.
Thanks. Bye.

Repeat... the car is
a '69 Chrysler Newport.

Maroon with black top.

Massachusetts license


They've had this make
since last night. No sign of it yet?

They'd have to be morons
to be still driving that car.

You morons, you want food?
We got food.

I'm going to lose control
of my bowels.

I hope this place
is clean.

I don't give a shit.
Look at this.

"Breakfast special...
three eggs, bacon, home fries."

All for 1.99.

You better start
cutting back.

You're going to take
a heart attack.

No butter or mayonnaise.
That's the secret to my health.

Oh, no, Beano.

We ain't eaten in 12 hours.
This is unhumane.

I had my heart
set on eggs.

That was a real pisser.

Tomorrow let's get
our gums scraped.

Tonight, the dress?
How do we dress?

You look great
just as you are.

How about me?

Don't talk to him
like that.

I was trying to be nice,

and you're throwing
attitude around.

I think
he's a gentleman.

I think
he's an asshole.

I want my money!

Jesus Christ,
who is this person?

How'd you do that?

Who was that?


That is Todd?

Yeah. You want
to have kids?

Not like Todd,
I don't.

Kids today are on crack.

I don't want anybody
stopping them.

We need
a clear path.

You're not going
to stop them?

Do you have any idea
how much that car is worth?

I know people!
My husband's a lawyer!

There better not be
a scratch on it.

Maybe we shouldn't go
to this party tonight,

you know?

Stay home
and watch television.

I don't want
to stay here by myself.

You know?

Generally, you have
a pretty good time on your own.


Generally, you have
a pretty good time by yourself.



Should I be worried?

No. It's fine.

♪ I don't know
what you got ♪

♪ But it sure is
gettin' to me ♪

♪ Makes the whole night hot ♪

♪ Hot chills just go
right through me ♪

♪ All the power ♪

♪ Baby, is in your hands ♪

♪ 'Cause you got me hummin' ♪

This is worth
a lot. It's fur.

It's fake fur.
It's faux fur.


You got to look
at this stuff. Very scary.

Why don't you just wear,
like, a sweater...

What's with
the sweaters?

They got money.
They don't need taste.

They're going to see
your underwear.

♪... At night ♪

♪ I can't go back to sleep ♪

Elton John left his glasses
in the drawer.

Elton John comes out.
He's gay.

They don't care
if he comes out in a dress.

He doesn't come out
in a dress.

If he came out naked,
it would be fine.

It's a more open thing.

You don't have to be
a homosexual to be open.

You know, I-I'm open.

What do you mean?

I have openness.

Open to what?

You know, ideas, new experiences,
things like that.

Opening my mind
to things.

I don't think
we should go.

You're opening yourself up
for something, you know.

I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about.

I'm talking about
personal, innermost...

Was there a thing
on Oprah or something?

A... Elton John
does not wear dresses,

B... you don't have to be a homosexual
to have openness,

and C...

I can't find
anything to wear.

What was "C"?

There's no "C."
I can't find anything to wear.


♪ You got me hummin',
ooh, ooh ♪

♪ You got me hummin',
ooh, ooh♪

What did you decide
to wear?



You look great.

And this is a very good look
for you, too.

I was actually still sort of
looking for stuff.

Hon, why don't
we stay... hon?





♪ They called us crazy ♪

♪ Behind our backs ♪

tummy tuck,

tits, eyes, chin.

The whole package,

You tell me.
Do I look 51?


What's going on?


Feeling better, I see.

Glad you could make it.

We're just trying
to work out what this is.

Piece by a local artist.

Isn't it great?

Looks like a raft to me.

Don't touch it.

It might fall apart.

Can I get you

a cocktail,
pair of shoes?

Yeah. I'll have a martini,
very dry.

When did you start
ordering martinis?

With or without
an olive?

I'll take it...
I'll take a couple olives.

Do me a favor, Frank,
don't talk.

Who are you trying
to impress?


What, Frank?



He was hitting on you
on the boat, wasn't he?

You're drunk.
Just go home.

I've had
three drinks.

Then you're drunk.
Go home.

I can drink, like,
nine martinis.

Then drink them
and go home.

Maybe I will.

Evan bred
that horse.


Looks great.


You know
Donald Trump?

We were at his house
two weeks ago.

No, we weren't.

She doesn't get
along with Marla,

so it was me and Donald.
Great guy.

- He thinks you're an asshole.
- Oh, yeah? Says who?

Don Johnson.

Oh, yeah? Well...

fuck the two
of them.

Excuse us.

See you later.
Take it easy.

Can... can we just...

This is it. This is
that moment in your life

when you'll look back on it
and regret it.

Why are you
embarrassing me like this?

- I'm not.
- You are.

Double olive.
Jim and Marcie Kellerher,

I'd like you
to meet Roz

- and Fred...
- Frank.





Excuse me.

What do you do,

You're looking
at it, pal.

I just party,
party, party. That's me.

In fact,
last week

I was out drinking with,
uh, Tom Brokaw.

Guy loves to drink.
I'll tell you, he really...



Well, last summer,

James and I went camping
with Dan Rather.

Oh, really?

Well, Roz blew
Peter Jennings. Top that.

Yeah. Yep.


See you later.

Rich, pretentious bastard.
Could... could we... just...

Frank, would you
do me a favor?



I'm going to see if I can stay with
Janice for a while.

But Janice hates you,

No, Frank,
Janice hates you.

You want to go see Cats,
we'll go see Cats.

Frank, it's like talking
to a cross-town bus with you.

You want to know
the problem?

I'm 30. You are 35.

We've spent seven years together,
and what have we accomplished?

Nothing. We got no... no house.
We got no kids.

We got no money.

And as of today,
we got no car.

I'm sitting here

what do you have
planned for the next seven years?

I rest my case.

All right?

♪ Once upon a time ♪

♪ You gave
your love to me ♪

♪ Now we've grown apart ♪

♪ Wish I knew ♪

♪ How to love you ♪

♪ Wish I knew ♪

♪ How to make you mine ♪

♪ Seems the harder
that I try ♪

♪ You run from me ♪

♪ Well, I guess I'll ♪

♪ Never hold you again ♪

♪ The times
we shared together ♪

♪ Were like a dream
come true ♪

♪ But now my life
is empty ♪

♪ Without a-holdin' you ♪

♪ My mind is so confused♪

Hon? What
are you doing?

I'm waiting
for a cab.

What, are you...


Why? Is there a law against it,
Officer Porkavitch?


I mean, wh...

what do you think,
you just...

wake up one day
and start painting?

I mean... you know, you got to go
to school for this.

I mean...

Well, what are you,

what are you...

I don't know.

See? That's why people
go to the class and...

Where you going?

Evan invited me to go horseback riding.
You're not invited.

Honey, you know, you've been getting
way too much sun.

You're going to get
one of them things.

What things?

Those things
that, uh,

Reagan had
in his ass.

Ha ha!

God, Frank, you
are something else.

Uh... uhh!

O... K.











Am I doing
this right?

I feel like I'm flopping
all over the place.

you are a bit.

Ha ha ha!

O.K. Well,
what do I do?

I got to look good
doing this.

I don't know. You look pretty good
to me. How do you feel?

I feel, uh...
Come on. Hyah!

I feel pretty good!

Here! Here's your money.

Too bad about
your girlfriend.


Girls really like
Mr. Marsh a lot.

What would you
know about it?

A lot, actually.

You want to see?

See what?

Come on.


I don't
believe this!

These things
don't break down.

That's why they
cost so much.

You must've done
something wrong.

Yeah, I did something wrong.
I hired Frank.

Ho-oh. What's this?

- I got to feed my fish.
- Watch out for snakes.

Oh, no, Beano,
not the truck.

I only left it
for a few minutes.

A few minutes
too long.

It's not my fault.
Who'd be stupid enough

to steal
a cement truck?

I always wanted to ride in one
of these things.

Move your
legs, Fitzie.

Watch my balls,
you fag!

I'm just curious.

Shut up!

What do you say
we get some tunes going?

Damn. The radio's

Oh, I didn't go
to college.

Where we're from,
you don't really go to college.

People go to college
from New Jersey.

But in the neighborhood
I'm from, you basically have kids.

You... get married...

hang out
in the neighborhood.

You know. You don't
really go anywhere.

How old are you?

None of your business.
You don't ask someone how old they are.

I think you're
the sexiest woman I've ever met.

You don't get out
much, do you?

What are all
these videotapes?

Those are surveillance
videos of everybody on the island.

I have people
picking their nose,

sitting on the toilet,
having affairs, and farting.

- I can blackmail people beyond their...
- What's going on in here?

This is my friend Frank. He's staying
at the Rappaports' house.

And why are you here?

In this room, here?

Um, I'm doing
his resume.


And, um, how long
were you at Burger King?

Two years.

Two years.

I see.

My nanny.

All right.

There he is.

Look at that
tonsil hockey going on.

When's this from?

two summers ago.

Great. A lot of good
it does me.

Oh, this is great!

This is way too easy.

And work out at the gym
or something.

You know.
Girls like muscles.

It was on
America Online recently.

They like muscles
and romantic dinners.

Kid, I'm, like, 35.
Don't you have friends your own age?

Yeah. I've got
plenty of friends.

Yeah? Where's
your parents?

- My mother in France with her boyfriend.
- And your father?

He's dead.



It's O.K.


go eat your dinner.


Eat all your spinach.

Girls like guys
with muscles, right?

Yeah, and they also
like romantic dinners, remember?

Here I come, fishies.

Nothing more romantic
than catching your own.



You can see them.

All right.



Whoa. Whoa. Ah...

Damn it.


Fuckin' rocks.



Come here.

Come here.

Come... uh... here.



Come on.

Oh, boy.





Easy as pie.

Come on, fishy.

Come on,
little fishy-fishy.

Yeah. Fuck you.

I'll be eating you
in half an hour.


Look at that.










Ohh! Oh!







Oh, yeah?

Oh, yeah?
Yeah, pal?


Unh! Oh!




Got a little
surprise for you.


What are you doing?
You don't know how to cook.

Yeah? Don't know
how to fish, either, but...


You don't think this
is going to change anything, do you?

Well... at least
we won't be hungry.


This stuff looks
pretty good.


All right.

Dig in.

So, uh... when'd you
learn how to fish?

ESPN, you know.
They got a fishing show.

It's, like, a wrist thing.
It's, like, a little whip.

Must've been a...
bottom feeder.

So... um...
how's the painting going?

Good. L... I think
I'm, uh, finished... I think.





Can I see it?


Come on.


You really
want to see it?

Yeah. I mean,
you know. Um...

What do you think?

Wow. It's, um...

it's unbelievable. L...

Do you like it?

You really
painted this.



It's, uh...

I know, I know.
I really surprised myself.

Yeah, I'll bet.

It's a boat, right?


I like the, um...
blues and the, uh...

greens and...

It's very, um...


Well, that's not...
that's not the point.

The point is, how does it
make you feel?

Well, it, um...

makes me feel like l...
I wish it was...

a little, um... neater.

Well, this is my point of view.
This is how I see it.

If that's
your point of view,

maybe you should
get some... glasses.

L... I'm... O.K., wait.

Sit down and
have some fish.

It was a joke.


You know what, Frank?
You are narrow-minded.

You always see things
the same way.

That's why your life
is never going to change.

Right. And... and you're
a whole new person

just 'cause you slapped some paint
on a piece of cloth?

No. At least I want
to try new things.

I want to meet
new people. At least...

All you ever do
is go to Breen's

and get drunk with Tommy O'Shannahan,
and you guys gamble.

That's all you do.

Why don't we ever
go out with my friends?

You know,
you always do this.

You start one argument,

and then in the middle,
you shift gea...

We're talking about the painting,
and then suddenly

- we're talking about your friends.
- And?

It doesn't make sense.

It makes perfect sense,

It makes perfect sense
to me.

It does?




Uh, look...

you think you can just,
you know, change overnight?

Is that what you think?


'Cause you can't.


You think, like, just because
you take, like,

a... a night course at
some community college

that that... like that's
going to make you different.

Well, it doesn't,
Roz, O.K.?

All right?

You know, we're not
like these people.

They have stuff we're
never going to have.

They have these houses. They have boats.
They have foreign cars.

They got money
in the bank.

You know?

They got privilege...

You're a cashier.
I'm a thief, honey.

That's the way it's
always going to be. O.K.?

People like us, see,

we don't even win the lottery,
for Christ's sake.

We're born
in little houses,

and we die
in little houses,

and... we got to find happiness
somewhere in between.

Well, Frank, if you want to die
in your little house,

you go right ahead, but I got
bigger things planned.




Uh... uh...


What... l... what I was
trying to say...

Frank... I'm not blaming you,
all right?

I'm blaming me.
I'm blaming me,

because I knew that three,
four years ago,

what I wanted
from life

was completely different from
what you wanted...

but every time
I'd try to go,

you'd do something
absolutely great,

and I wouldn't
know how to go,

and now it's made it
all that much harder for me,

Frank, and I can't.
I can't anymore.

Seven Red Sox batters
retired in order...

What the hell
are you doing?

Reading the Bible.

The Bible? Jesus Christ!
Any big revelations?

Haven't got
to that yet.

Hey, Quinn,
bring me a beer!

Get him a beer.

"Out of the heart
of man precede evil thoughts."

The money
they're paying you,

you should get hit
by the pitch.

Beano, when are
we going home?

I got to feed my fish,
and my cat's sick,

and my mom is
kind of missing me.

Why ya here, Quinn?


'Cause you drove me?


Oh, my God!

No. Because
I promised your brother

I'd keep you
out of the joint.

Tomorrow at 5:00,
we'll meet the buyer

at that fish plant in Amahonsett.
We get our money.

You'll be home by Monday.
You can feed your little fishies

till their belly bursts.



You scared me.

Did you cook
her dinner?


And what happened?

Didn't go too well.

Put my big fat foot
in my mouth again.

Hey, could you teach me
how to catch eggs?

That was so cool,
what you did yesterday.

How about tomorrow?

Jeez, I can't.
I have a big day tomorrow.

Come on, please?
Five minutes.

Sorry, I just...

It's O.K.

Hey, you should
be getting home, shouldn't you?

It's kind of late.

You sound so much
like my mom.


I'm starving
to death.

There's a fuckin'
headline for ya.

Want me to go
warm up the truck?

Holy shit!

It's a cop car.

We're dead, Beano.
We're dead.

Shut up.

You been dead
for years.

Shut up.

When are we

Sh... Oh!

No, Beano! Don't!

No, Beano,
not a cop car!

Tell ya, these
cop cars are great.

Never sat
in the front before.

O.K., O.K.

Move around.

That's it.

Move around.

So I don't really understand
the point of this.

Are we trying
to bore him to death?

Is that
the goal here?

No, you're just trying
to exercise the horse.

And do wha...

Mmm. Mmm.


What is it?


it's, uh...


I guess.

you're with the same guy
so many years,

you know, l...

Kind of puts
a wrench

in the old thing

And you know,
I g... I g...

I'm leaving tonight, and I got...
I got a job, and...

I'm a cashier,

I don't want
you to go.



You know what?
L... I got to go.

But you know,
I'll call you later.

Yeah, I'll
call you later...

um... and we'll talk.



Holy shit.


Stop it.

That's it. Look.


- It's that painting.
- So?

So it's stolen.
Guy's an art thief.

I knew he was a liar
first time I met him.

Where's my camera?

This island's great.
Fresh air, and it's so quiet.

We should get
some mopeds.

That ferry
made me queasy.

I think I'm
going to puke.



Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah, Beano,
go for it!

Ice cream truck! down to the...
to the old boatyard.

And Kenny...



Who's in charge?

Hands above your head.



Shh. Shh.

The sheriff's
in your house,

and he's got
your girlfriend.

Hey, kid.
Do me a favor?

What you've done
is very serious.

Breaking and entering,

and I wouldn't be

if you'd stolen
from them, too.

Excuse me.

Oh. You bet.

He's upstairs.



Here's the painting,

O.K., so?

So, it's...


Says right here,
"never recovered."

O.K. What?

Stolen painting,

his house...

Oh, Frank. I've seen...

I've seen a thousand
Mona Lisas,

and I never thought
that they were stolen.

Let's go.


You all right?

Fine. I fell myself.

I can take care
of myself.

Pardon me, ma'am.


Could you tell us where
there's a fish plant?

Uh, yes, but it's
been closed,

oh, about 23 years now.

Oh, we know that, ma'am.

Uh, but we have some,
uh, business.

What kind of business?

Uh, we're delivering
ice cream.

Takes four of you
to deliver ice cream?

It can get very heavy.

I hope you're not
lifting with your back.

You're supposed
to bend at the knees.

That explains my disk.

See, I've got
this herniated disk.

Cut the shit
and find out where

the fucking
fish plant is!

Language, language.

I've been trying
to tell them.

What is this?

You really like this guy,

or is it money or what?

I don't know, Frank.
He talks to me.

I don't...
he just talks to me.

He listens to me.
He tells me how he feels.

You never ever
talk to me, Frank.

What do you mean?

I don't feel important
to you, Frank.

I don't.

How could you say that?

I don't feel important.

He makes me
feel important.

When I'm around him,
I feel like

if I left
I'd be important.

I don't feel
important to you.

Well, honey,
I'm not the, uh...

I'm not like...

the kind of guy that,
you know...

that says a lot
of the stuff that...

that I feel, you know.

I mean, stop talking
about the stuff I talk about.

Talk about the stuff
that I do.

Like remember that time
we broke up in '88?

Remember that?

Yeah, Frank.
You agreed to do that.

I know, I know.
I thought it was...


That it would be good.

I thought it would be
a big party

and then me
and McFadden chipped in

and we got those, uh,

box seats behind the dugout,
for the playoffs...

Frank, I know all this,
all right?

That's all that you
talked about

the entire summer,
all right? You...

That's one of the reasons
we broke up.

I know, I know.

The tickets
were $2,000.

But I never even went.

I gave the tickets
to McFadden's cousin.

I never went.

I never even ended up

watching the games on TV
at the house.

Why didn't you go?

Why didn't you tell me
that you didn't go?

Just fucking baseball,
you know?


Come on.


Smells delightful
in here.

Did you pick this place?

No. This is the place
he said to come to.

What time is it?

10 after 5:00.

Who is it?



You got the painting?

I got the painting,
you scumbag.

Don't bitch at me, pal.

You're the retard
that screwed us over!

It's 10 after 5:00.
Where's the buyer?

You keep your
big mouth shut.

Don't talk to my girlfriend
like that, Beano.

thank you.


Come on. Give me it.
I don't want to hurt you.

No, no.

Give it, give it!

Give it to me!

Give it back!

Careful. Careful.

It's a priceless

Holy shit!

What was that?

Sounded like a gunshot.

You think we should
go help Beano?

Where's the painting?

Aw. Don't tell me...

Hey. Somebody's coming.

Must be the buyer.

Frank, I'm blind. Frank?

Frank, I'm going to kill you.

Frank, he locked the door.

Oh, get Frank to open it.

He's good
at that stuff.

Go on.

Move it, move it!

It's raining.

So what?

O.K. O.K.

This is way too easy.

Once again,
I do not know this man.

I do not know nothing
about no stolen painting.

I am a businessman
from Boston

here on vacation

on this
beautiful island.

Put him back
in the cell.

I want a lawyer. I know my rights.


Take it easy with him.

Bring the woman out.

I'm going to remind you
that you may, if you wish,

have legal counsel

If you answer
my questions...

Leave her out of it.

You shut up.

Your cooperation
will be noted,

blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.


what did you do
with that painting?

You can make this
easy on yourself.

Where is the painting?

O.K. Fine.

What were you doing
in a fish plant?

She doesn't
know anything.

I told you to shut up,
goddamn it!


I've seen guys like this
all my life.

They're all headed
for the same place.

Spending his life pulling
these nickel-and-dime jobs,

waiting for
the big payday.


this is it.

The big score.


Welcome to easy street.

Well, listen to me.

You can piss
your life away

on a small-time loser
like this,

or you can do

what you know
is the right thing.

Now, what do you say,


What are you
going to do?

I did it.

I stole the painting.

Roz had nothing
to do with it.

She's too smart.

Actually, she tried
to talk me out of it,

but I wouldn't listen.


I stole the painting
and, uh,

Beano set everything up
with the buyer,

and then the buyer
ripped us off

at the fish plant.

You blabbermouth!


I still don't have

the painting
or the buyer.


if she walks,

I can get you
the painting

and the guy
who bought it.

This is really bad.

Hey. Why don't we
do like a...

like a jailbreak?

You know, like in
the cowboy movies?

You know, we could
get a rope,

tie it to the bars,
then pull out.

Beano could come out
the window.

Did your parents
hold you underwater a lot

when you were
a baby?


Well, you have
a better idea?

You know...

I've had
just about enough.

Enough of you.

Enough of your
disgusting habits.

I ask you not to curse,
you curse.

Fuck you!

I ask you not to smoke,
you smoke.

I ask you not to pass gas,
all you do...

Pffllt! Pfft!

Hey, I got
a gastrotestical

intestinal disease,

The question is...

what would Beano do?

He'd be thinking of his own ass

and getting out of here
as soon as he could.

This is ridiculous.

Mr. Marsh is a highly
respected resident.

You can't barge in
without a warrant.

I'll do whatever
the fuck I want.

I'm the goddamn FBI.

Take me to the door,
man, and shut up.

Your call.

Princess Caraboo
or Gremlins.

Hello there.

Sorry to disturb you,
Mr. Marsh.

Agent O'Malley, FBI.

We're investigating
the theft of a painting

in Rhode Island
a couple of days ago.

I wonder if you could
let us in

for a quick look
around your house.

Uh... yeah.

I don't understand.

Where do I fit
into all this?

At this stage,
you don't.

We'd like to eliminate
any likely possibilities.

It's not there.
It was right there.

I saw on the videotape.

Mm-hmm. Right.

It's got to be here.

O.K., Frank.

I've had enough
of this bullshit.

I'm taking you...

Frank, come on,
man! Frank!


Frank, what are you doing?

You're not getting away,
you know.

There's no way
out of here.

Shit. Not in there.

I'm not trying
to get away.

I'm looking, O.K.?

Do I look like
I'm trying to get away?


- Wow.
- See?

They're all here, sir.

What'd I tell you?

If I missed my guess...

Mmm. A Matisse...




Ha ha ha ha ha.


Well, yes.

What did you expect?

Mind leaving
my house now?

Nice plastering job,

Oh, yes.

These are real.

Congratulations, sir.
You've done it.

You're something else,


I need you now.

I need you now!

Get here now,
or I get another lawyer.

I'm getting
another lawyer.

This isn't a problem.
I can get out of this.

You are amazing.

You are an amazing
piece of garbage, you know that?

You are. You know what?

You're worse than Beano
and McFadden

and all those guys.

You know why?

Because they might be
liars, deadbeats, and scumbags,

but they'd never pretend to be
anything they're not.

Know what your
problem is?


I get a lot of girls

want to fuck their way
into all this,

but I liked you...

but you don't know
what you want.

So, you're stuck with
your deadbeat moron of a boyfriend.

I'm sorry, excuse me?

Your boyfriend,
what's his name?

His name is Frank!

Why can't people
remember that name?

What did you
hit him with?

Um, right hook.


how propitious.

I had a hunch once.

A guy robbed
an art museum

then faked
his own death.

No suspects...

no evidence...

the paintings
never even turned up.

Burke, put Phil the Shill
in the car.

Yes, sir.
Come on, loser.


Uncuff them.

You got to be kidding.

No. We're letting
them go.

I ought to put you
on the payroll.

O.K. Here's the deal.

You agree to make
a statement

and testify in court,

and we'll drop all
the charges against you.

Here's my card.

9:00 tomorrow morning...


Thank you.
We'll be there.

That means up
at like 7:00.

How's 10:00?

Frank. Frank.

The way you work,

you might as well
be wearing a badge.

I think
you'd make

a very handsome


The key
to catching eggs...


Is soft hands, O.K.?

That's all you
got to remember.

Soft hands.

You know Jerry Rice...
plays for the 49ers?

Um, yeah.

You know how he catches?

Even on a bullet pass.
Nice, soft hands.

Let it drop. Ready?

- O.K.
- O.K.

Got it.

Not bad. Not bad.

O.K. I'm ready.

Now, underhanded.

We need to get
a higher one.

Nice high one.
It's harder. Ready?




Coming back?

Got to keep
working on it.

Coming back?

I don't think so.

But, uh, who knows?

Maybe, if you're
ever in Boston,

you can come
visit us.

Yeah. That'd be great.

So, I was thinking
that tomorrow morning

after we do
this FBI stuff,

we could go down to
your sister's place, you know?

Make a weekend
out of it.

A little sun...

a little surf.


Do you love me, Frank?

Of course I do.

All right, then raise
your right hand.

What do you mean?

Do it.

Like this?

Yeah. Thank you
very much.

Now repeat after me.

I, Francis Michael

I, Frank O'Brien...



that I will
get a job...

pay taxes,
and settle down

like a normal
human being.

What kind of job?


O.K., O.K.

I swear I will
get a job.



And quit smoking?

I quit smoking.

- Bye-bye.
- O.K., O.K.

I will...

"I will..."
I can't hear you.

I swear I will
quit smoking.

On your mother's eyes?

Honey, unh...


I swear
on my mother's eyes

that I will do
all the things

that you just
asked me to do.




O.K., sweetie...

Ha ha.

No need to see...
just kiss me.

Feel your way
to the bay.

♪ I could leave you
like that ♪

♪ Just walk out
the door ♪

♪ Never come back ♪

♪ I could stay ♪

♪ For my life ♪

♪ With you by my side ♪

♪ And I might call it ♪

♪ Always ♪

♪ I could ask you
to change ♪

♪ To be someone else ♪

♪ The one
that I dreamed of ♪

♪ But I ♪

♪ Could hope
that in time ♪

♪ We both find our way ♪

♪ At the end of a day ♪

♪ You love ♪

♪ Who you love ♪

♪ And if ♪

♪ The waves ♪

♪ Churn storms
on the ocean ♪

♪ And if the skies ♪

♪ Grow dark with rain ♪

♪ We will see it
through ♪

♪ Clear waters ♪

♪ If each of us ♪

♪ If each of us ♪

♪ Gives just
a little more ♪

♪ Hey, babe ♪

♪ I could say ♪

♪ That we
were through ♪

♪ And just sail away ♪

♪ To find someone new ♪

♪ Ohhh ♪

♪ All my words ♪

♪ Would be lies ♪

♪ We both know
what's true ♪

♪ At the end
of the day ♪

♪ You love ♪

♪ Who you love ♪

♪ If the waves ♪

♪ Churn storms
on the ocean ♪

♪ And if the skies ♪

♪ Grow dark with rain ♪

♪ We will see it ♪

♪ Through clear waters ♪

♪ If each of us ♪

♪ If each of us ♪

♪ Can give just
a little more ♪

♪ Ohhh-uhh-huh ♪

♪ Just a little more ♪

♪ Ohh, baby ♪

♪ We will ♪

♪ See it through ♪

♪ Clear waters ♪

♪ If each of us ♪

♪ If each of us ♪

♪ Can give ♪

♪ Just a little more ♪