Two Idiots in Hollywood (1988) - full transcript

Idiots Taylor Dupp and Murphy Wegg flee their humdrum existence in Dayton, Ohio for the glamour of Hollywood. Murphy turns his complete lack of talent into a career as a television producer ("The Pac-Man Show"), while Taylor is unjustly accused of murder.

(suspenseful music)

(upbeat rock music)

♪ We were dancin

♪ Just about midnight

♪ Just about the right time

♪ To get some disco action

♪ Me and my baby

♪ We were dancing to the Bee Gee's ♪

♪ We were gonna get it on

♪ We call those funky cats

♪ When suddenly it happened



♪ It was a like a bolt of lightening ♪

♪ I was hit by donkey magic

♪ My ears starting growing

♪ I started braying

- Okay now one more time.

- No.

- Yes. - No, go to hell.

- Come on, do it again, get it right.

- Fuck you.

- Well fuck you. - Fuck you.

- Well fuck you. - Die turkey.

- You're a turkey.

- You're a turkey.

- You are a turkey.



- Fuck you!

- Ah.

♪ I was hit by donkey magic

♪ And it can happen to you yeah ♪

- Do it.

- No.

- Goon show.

- Don't call me goon show. - Goon show.

- Don't call me goon show. - Goon show.

- I said don't ever call me goon show.

- Sorry I didn't mean it.

- Well don't ever call me that again.

- Hey look, it ain't that bad to be called goon show.

- Yeah, you'd love it I bet.

- No I wouldn't love it, but I wouldn't mind it that much.

I wouldn't cry.

- I bet.

- No really, it's a hit show in Australia.

- I bet.

- Yeah, the Goon Show, look it up.

- You lie.

- No, I saw it on Entertainment Tonight.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, now come on do it, say it.

- Are you gonna hassle me?

- No I just want you to get it right.

- Why?

- Because I love you.

- Okay. - Go.

- But you don't understand, when the moon is full

I become a wolf.

- Shit, it was pure d shit,

terrible. - Don't say that

I did the best I could.

- Bull shit man, it's the Wolf Man, the Wolf Man!

You sound like you're doing somebody stupid

like Count Dracula or Mr. Coffee Cup or somebody, man.

Do the Wolf Man!

Yeah that's it.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay look up, see the moon is full.

Yeah, yeah.

Now look down at the knuckles.

Feel that hair growing.

That's it, you're walking ugly, there we go.

That's it, that's right.

There we go.

(growling)

- But you don't understand, when the moon is full

I become a wolf.

- Let's just forget about it okay.

Turkey.

Half ass.

What time is it?

- Look for yourself.

- [Murphy] Where's a clock?

- Search me.

When are the girls coming over?

- [Murphy] Oh around 8 p.m.

- Oh, think we'll get laid?

- Tonight could be the night.

(quacking)

- What do you know about em?

- Howie's sister and her friend.

- Howie's sister?

- Yeah.

- I didn't know Howie had a sister.

- Yeah.

- Wait a minute, Howie's gross.

What if his sister's a pig.

- Hey man, with the lights out and a bag on her head...

(chuckling)

- Should I take a shower?

- You might be getting a little funky.

(flies buzzing)

- I smell like beef.

- Well, maybe one of these dolls wanna eat some hamburger.

(laughing)

- I could do some stuff.

Wanna brewski?

- Yeah, I'm just gonna be cleaning up around here.

- [Taylor] Tell me more about the girls.

- Well, Howie says he thinks Lynn's friend will go,

you just have to push her easy.

Her name's Marianna, something like that.

- Who gets who?

- I get Marianna.

- What's wrong with Lynn?

- Oh nothing, it's just I kinda like her as a person,

it'd be hard to fuck her.

- Yeah.

Think Lynn will like me?

- It's hard to say, man, you gotta wash up and try

not to say gross things.

Girls hate it when you talk gross.

- I'm not that gross.

- [Murphy] Oh the jury's still out on that one, man.

You know, like those noises you make?

Don't pull any of that shit.

- Oh, what about the impersonations?

- Oh I don't know, that Wolf Man sucks.

- Don't start in on me again.

- I'm just looking out for ya.

Look, sometimes if you're funny a girl will fuck you.

Impressions could maybe do it, if they're good enough.

- But you don't understand.

- But frankly, yours suck.

- Thanks a lot, you really build up my confidence.

- I'm just being honest.

- Yeah, you tell me I stink.

- Yeah you were the one that brought up your beefy smell.

- You say no noises, no Wolf Man, be funny, and you get

Marianna who's easy, I get Howie's sister Lynn

who's probably some kind of virgin,

what am I supposed to do?

- Just be cool.

Let me take the lead.

Yeah, see I'll spread around a little wonder dust,

be a little charming.

You just be you, except cleaner and quieter.

I'll do the work for both of us.

(flies buzzing)

- I'm taking a shower!

- Who knows, maybe she'll be horny and you won't be

such a terd ball, and you can get laid.

- Yeah, thanks.

- Doesn't stand a chance, poor suck head.

He just doesn't understand, women hate desperate men.

They can smell it.

As soon as they sense you need it they back off.

Best way to get laid is be rich, tall, married,

have kids, and be pathetic.

(shower running)

Well at least Taylor is pathetic.

(upbeat music)

- Now tonight, right here on our show,

we have a really big show.

Topo Gigio and four wonderful mop heads from England,

let's hear it for 'em.

(clapping)

But you don't understand I become a wolf

when the moon is full.

- That was the Wolf Man?

- Right.

- Where's Murphy?

- [Marianna] I don't know.

- I'll go see what's keeping him.

Murph, are you back there?

- What is he gone?

- Are you all right, Murphy?

- Maybe he's hurt.

- No.

(growling)

(suspenseful music)

(screaming)

- Gah, what took ya?

Thought I was gonna be staying in there all night.

(breathing heavy)

It's just a gag. (laughing)

So let's go get some grub.

- All right.

- I got a headache.

- Are you having your period?

- No.

- Whoo, thank God!

(upbeat music)

- [Woman] Where the hell have you been for

the last two hours?

- [Man] Well where I've been is I've been working,

what do you think I'm doing?

Do you think I'm out there like building a fucking

castle for you!

(muffled yelling)

(clock ticking)

- [Man] Ah, shut up, I want my dinner and I want it now.

I worked my butt off (muffled yelling)

- [Woman] I'm fat?

You're so fat you can't even pick up your dirty socks.

- [Man] Hey that's not my job that's your job,

you pick it up.

(muffled yelling)

- [Woman] I hate you!

- [Man] Oh fuck you!

- [Woman] Oh fuck you!

- I don't understand it.

(rooster crowing)

Look it wasn't your fault, it wasn't my fault,

they were duds.

And I mean for one thing it was nothing that we could

have done, they were both having their periods.

- Both?

- Oh yeah.

You get more than one woman in a place they all start

having their periods, didn't you know that?

- No.

(scoffs)

- You know I've been thinking.

- Yeah.

- Dayton, Ohio is a shitty town, man.

I mean we're not duds we could score if we went someplace

where the action was hotter.

- You think so?

- Yeah.

I say let's pack up and move.

- Move?

- Yeah.

You know I've been thinking.

- Yeah.

- Let's go to Hollywood, LA.

We're young, we're strong, we can stand a really hard

nightlife. - Yeah.

- Look, we got no strings.

They got bologna out there, they got newspapers, coffee.

They got temporary jobs out there.

- They do?

- Hell yes, there's lots of temporary work in LA.

- Well what'll you do?

- You know, I always thought I should be in TV.

- What?

(laughing)

- Come on, man, don't say it like that, I'm a funny guy.

I get great ideas all the time.

They need great ideas on TV.

- Yeah, like that great Frankenstein monster gag.

- That was just to break the ice, I didn't know you were

gonna launch into the impressions.

- I didn't know what else to do.

- You had to do all of them?

- Fuck you.

- Well fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Well fuck you!

- Eat shit H man.

- Dog dick.

- What are you gonna do on TV, they took that iron butt

show off the air years ago?

- I don't know, Mr. Smart guy, but some kind of show

where I can write and act and do comedy sketches

like Carol Burnett.

- (scoffs) One problem. - What?

- You're no good.

- So what?

So the fuck what, man.

I'm young I can afford to fail.

What's it gonna do, ruin my career?

I mean, what am I doing now?

I work at a soda pop company, you think that's great,

you think I like that job watching the bottles go by,

watching the tours go through?

Dayton isn't for me, I got stuffed.

I wanna get out to LA and be somebody.

Before they try to bottle me up.

And we can score there.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, there's so much leg out there

it just gobble you up.

So I've decided, I'm goin.

And I'd like for you to go with me.

- Why?

- Cause you're my pal.

(flies buzzing)

- Okay, what the fuck, I'm not getting any younger.

- And the TV's great out there too, man,

they got like a seven days a week 24 hours a day,

a million stations.

- Really? - It's great.

- And there's lots of women?

- Uh, nothin but wall to wall poon.

After about a month out there, there'll be nothing left

of you but an eight pound smile.

(quacking)

- And I'll be able to work on my impressions?

- All over town.

Oh, cause they got wax museums out there

with dummy's of all the stars you doing.

You'll be able to look at the dummies, talk to em

in their own voices.

Think how that'll shake 'em up.

- Hiya, I never met a dog I didn't hate.

- That's the stuff.

Yeah, LA's got it all.

Fast cars, fast women, fast food.

Check it out.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Big men

♪ Big women

♪ They're filling up my brain

♪ Big men

♪ Big women

♪ They're making me insane

♪ Yeah

♪ Oooh, oooh, ohhh

♪ Ahhh, ahhh, ahhh

♪ Big men, big men

♪ Big women, big women

♪ They're filling up my head

♪ Big men, big men

♪ Big women, big women

♪ They eat the high price spread ♪

♪ They said

♪ Five, six, seven, eight

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh

♪ Big men, big men

♪ Big women, big women

♪ They're filling up my town

♪ Big men, big men

♪ Big women, big women

♪ They like to party down, for a pound ♪

♪ Five, six, seven, eight

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh

♪ Ahh, ahh, ahh

♪ Ooh, ooh, they're everywhere

♪ Aah, aah, they're everywhere

♪ Ooh, ooh, they're everywhere

♪ Ahh, ahh, they're everywhere

(car engine rumbling)

- [T. Barry] And so it came to pass that Murphy Wegg

and Taylor Dup left Dayton, Ohio, for Hollywood.

Hello, I'm T. Barry Armstrong, the writer, director,

and editor of this film.

(flies buzzing)

Thank you.

You may recognize me from the alarm clock scene.

Now this was an unfortunate glitch, but one which

was unable to be removed from the final work print.

Now the reason for this was money.

By any standards this film was put together

on a very low budget.

The cost of raw film stock is a killer.

In fact, it's so prohibitive that it's forced me into

a shooting ratio of about one to one, and as anyone

who's familiar with the art of filmmaking knows,

this'll just about tie your hands in the editing room.

But hey, I'm working so who's complaining?

Now, let's talk about me and you, and magic.

(snapping)

I love film.

Film allows you to go anywhere you wanna go.

Have adventures you could probably never have.

(snapping)

Look out!

(gun shots)

See what I mean?

It's a ticket, a passport,

a passport to a gate of dreams or at least the dreams

of a competent writer director.

(sirens blaring)

But like any passport it costs money, lots of money.

In fact, if it had not been for the efforts

of a very talented non-union cast working on spec,

Two Idiots could not have been made.

Or at best would have been a short subject.

(sirens blaring)

Now let me say a word about the art of film,

film is one of the few art forms that deals

with the past.

Now we made Two Idiots well over a year ago

and while you're sitting here seeing it now,

all of us are on vacation or back at our regular jobs.

Scary to think about.

But not as scary as the future.

I am currently putting together a proposal for Warner

Brothers that I would like to share with you,

the general public, without of course revealing

too much of the plot, you can never be too careful.

It's a 3D movie about a robot from outer space.

(electronic music)

I am absolutely convinced this will be a tremendous hit.

Now if you've ever been interested in being a part

of the film industry, I'd like to offer you

a unique invitation.

A chance to be on the bottom floor.

For your financial contribution to this project

or even any good ideas we can always use some of those,

I'd be willing to offer you participation in the net profits

of the European sales of this film.

We also have brochures out at the snack bar of this theater

explaining the legal ramifications of

this arrangement.

Hey, I'm ready to make history, are you?

- Hi, my name is Todd Armstrong, I'm T. Barry's

younger brother, um...

- Now where were we?

Oh yeah Murphy and Taylor are uh, with a landlord

checking out an LA apartment.

(sirens blaring)

(upbeat music)

- So uh, this is the living room.

- Nice, nice.

- Looks just like our other place.

- Where you boys from?

- Ohio, Dayton.

- Ohio, great football town.

- Oh yes, sir!

- Buckeye state!

(cheering) (laughing)

So what do you boys do?

- Well I'm in television, my friend Taylor here

is a computer whiz, works the word processor machine.

- Television huh?

- Yeah, I'm a writer.

- A writer, wonderful!

See I watch TV.

- Oh really? - Yeah, what show

do you write for?

- I write for the Bat Poon show.

- What?

- Public access.

- Oh.

But your friend here is a computer programmer.

- That's right.

- (chuckling) Well listen, boys.

The rent's $550 a month, $300 damage deposit up front,

but...

there's no lease or painting fee, because as you can

see the tenants that had this place before you

turned it into a sty.

- What's he talking about?

- See I woulda cleaned and painted it myself

but I have this ruptured disc in my back,

I can't do any heavy work.

Now no shit!

Look!

Look at this.

(horror music)

So I give you guys a break on the lease

and you can clean it yourself.

- Yeah.

- Now, there's a lot of old people in the building

so try to keep it down, huh?

No loud TV's or stereos.

- I got earplugs.

- Good.

You know what they say about these buildings don't you?

- [Murphy] No.

- They're only good for eating, sleeping, and screwing.

- Well that's fine, we like that.

(laughing)

- I like you boys.

You look responsible.

I'll let you have it if you want it.

I was young once, I know how hard it is to get started.

(crunching)

(screaming)

My back,

my back.

- Brunella.

Down boy.

- Oh god,

get me downstairs.

- Okay I got him, you call a doctor.

- No, no doctors!

No more fucking doctors.

Oh crap, fuck me my fucking back it hurts.

- Your back? - Yes.

(groaning)

- What a sap.

(upbeat music)

- Fuck me.

Oh, fuck me.

(moaning)

Oh fuck me.

- How butch.

- The chair, the chair quick.

Quick.

Strap me in

I need a stretch.

Make it tight.

Now slip the strap over my head.

Release the bag.

- [Taylor] Uh need anything else?

- Come back in about 30 minutes and undo me.

I should be out of spasm then.

- Right uh, I'll just turn on some music.

(light orchestral music playing)

- Wild, wild but,

it's a wild world we live in, Howie.

Yeah.

No, no, don't worry about it.

No, no way.

The butt steaks left the phone switched on, yeah.

Yeah, this ones on my bill.

(laughing) Okay buh-bye.

So how's Mr. Tattoo doing?

- [Taylor] Oh he's all fucked up.

Supposed to go back in a half hour and unhook him.

It's awful.

So, this is it.

- [Murphy] Yeah.

- What's next?

- Today we watch Entertainment Tonight, tomorrow

I hit the studios.

- Great.

I can go to a wax museum?

- [Murphy] Hey they left beer in the fridge!

- What idiots!

- [Murphy] Want a brewski?

- You bet.

(upbeat rock music)

♪ There's this beat

♪ In the city

♪ That will take you

♪ Where you wanna go

♪ And girl

♪ You're looking so pretty

♪ I can't help it if my movements are slow ♪

♪ I've gotta have action, action from the start ♪

♪ And baby don't you tell me that ♪

♪ You're not the loving kind

♪ I've gotta have action,

♪ Action from your heart

♪ You know you've got the moves to blow my mind ♪

♪ Yeah blow my mind, yeah you blow my mind ♪

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ You blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ You blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ You blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

♪ Yeah you blow my mind

(tires squealing)

(upbeat music)

- No I don't want milk she says, I want coffee

I don't want a coffee she says

I want sugar.

I don't want sugar, will you bring me cream!

I don't want walnuts, I want macadamia nuts.

I don't want macadamia nuts I want pecans.

- Good morning guys.

- Good morning Mr. Skink.

- Good morning Mr. Skink.

- What a stud.

(clanging)

- I got it.

- It's stinks, Dan.

- Yeah you're right.

- So what time are the boys from New York

supposed to be here?

- Four o'clock.

God I hate this.

- What are you gonna do?

- I'm going to lie.

Unless you have any good ideas?

We need good ideas for television.

- Will you get me a soda pop?

- Trash?

- Second floor. - Thanks.

- [Security Guard 1] She's a bitch.

She says bring me a big top, honey.

No, I don't want a big top, I want a space top she says.

(security guard carries on in distinctively)

Can you bring me a bar of soap?

- [Perry] My name's Perry White, no fooling,

just like Superman's balls.

- Let's check this out.

- I deal stud in a club in Gardena, but I think

I should be on TV.

You know what they say about me?

I'm funnier than Mr. Ed.

You know anything about poker?

Poker, hell I married her.

You hold her, I'll poke her. (laughing)

- Oh.

- You know anything about real estate?

Tell me, is that a lot? (laughing)

Maybe just a front yard. (snorting)

(laughing)

Well you can call me cocky because I grind so fine.

Hey, did you hear about the ant on the commode?

He got pissed off.

(laughing)

Hey, what did the elephant say to the naked man?

Can you breathe out of that thing? (elephant blowing)

Hose 'em down and give him a peanut.

God it's great to be alive.

- He'd be an okay guy if his jokes were better.

- Huh, (laughs) You never know how you look til you get

that picture took.

- How do I look?

- Like an apes buttocks.

- Jesus. - Just sit back

I'll fix you up.

- Thank you, Higgens.

You know what I think I need.

I think I need a great big blood transfusion.

Or a hot coffee enema, something like that. (chuckling)

- [Ms.Higgins] Just close your eyes and relax.

- [Dan] Relax. (laughing)

Relax. - Think about what Reagan did

to the world.

- [Dan] Yeah.

(drill whirring)

Sometimes I wonder what we're doing to the quality

of our lives.

(drill whirring)

Look at me, getting ulcers wondering what ideas

for new television shows I'm gonna give the boys

from New York.

It's all just crap anyway.

Oh, Higgens.

We fill our lives with deceit, indolence, the lust

for money, where did it all go wrong, where?

(horror music)

Oh sweet Jesus, please, please let me get a good idea

for TV so I won't be fired.

- Knock, knock.

Hang on to this for me will you, doll, I haven't finished

going through it yet.

- That's trash.

- Oh yeah, I love it when you talk dirty to me.

(quacking)

I come before you today because I get great ideas

for television all the time, just like Carol Burnett

to the ET.

- Do you want me to call security?

- No, no, Higgen, no it's fine, the man has some ideas.

- Yes sir.

- Well there goes trouble on a stick.

Still all in all nice piece of horse flesh.

- Yeah, well you were saying something about ideas Mr. Uh..

- Murphy. - Murphy.

- Oh you got kind of a, woops. (laughing)

- Humorous, funny.

Well about your ideas--

- Hey, no way, Jack, you gotta pay this boy.

- What?

- I want $1,000 for any idea of mine you use.

- $1,000

(laughing) candy from babies.

Very well, $1,000 for any idea of yours we use.

- Shake on it.

Whoa, put that back in the bowel.

- Back in the bowel, (laughing) that's good.

- Okay, okay here it is.

All right, now I want you to just look out,

look straight out in front of ya okay?

- Yeah, okay I'm looking.

- Straight out in front.

(laughing)

- Would ya, holding ha!

You're a funny man.

- Okay, okay, here it is, here it is.

Now you need to imagine 40 billion dollars.

- Okay.

- Got it?

(heavenly music)

- Got it.

(alarm ringing)

- It's four o'clock.

It's time for the boys from New York scene.

(laughing)

- Anyway, I think you're gonna be very pleased

at this daring approach, it's a brand new concept.

- I don't know if the time is right for a new concept.

- It's an old concept, it's just new for television.

- Sounds innovating.

- Let's have it.

- Yes well, first I'd like you to meet the conceptualist

of the project, Mr. Murphy Wegg, and our demographic

dramaturgic script analyst, Carla Tokenaga Dortmonger.

She's from Yale.

- Oh, yeah, Yale's very nice.

- Kids, come on in.

Come in to meet these people.

(laughing)

Come on in, this is Morris Franklin from New York,

Murphy Wegg. - How do you do, Mr. Wegg?

- This is Carla Tokenaga Dortmonger.

That's Wiler Weiner from New York.

- Lookin hot.

- There,

Okay, Murphy.

Go ahead and present your idea.

- Uh, no, no, no.

- No go ahead, Murphy, present--

- No, no, no.

- I told you to present the idea.

- First I want $1,000.

- We haven't agreed to use the idea!

- Hey,

hey, I'm taking a meeting ain't I?

I'm taking a meeting.

(scoffing)

$1,000 ce vous please.

- Certainly. (laughing)

Son of a bitch.

- Yow.

Great, almost made the rent.

- All right, Mr. Wegg, anytime you're ready.

- Okay, picture this 40 billion dollars.

- Got it.

- Got it.

- Wait, cash or check?

- [Murphy] Mean green.

- Okay, got it.

- Okay, that is how much money the video game industry

will make in the next bloppity blop years.

Trillions of people will drop the coin into the slot

and watch...

- Uh a TV screen.

- Precisely.

And watch...

- Things chase each other and blow up.

- Absolutely.

- You're reading my mind.

Paid TV, come on, let's fight back

let's put paid TV on the network.

You've played the video game, now watch the sexy

comedy drama, the Pac-Man show.

It's great, huh?

Carla? (clearing throat)

- This is the way the dramaturgic breakdown follows.

Lights.

(film rolling)

Man on the run,

living in fear,

pursued by his ghosts.

Speedy who is faster than he is.

Shadow which follows him wherever he goes.

Hokey, the slow terror of a wasted past

and Bashful, the shy cutie yet deadly trap

of over sentimentality.

The object of the show is simple,

man, the Pac-Man if you will,

the hero, heroine or whatever, must have the wit

and courage to confront his own fears.

His own failings, his own ghosts if you will,

and find sex.

- [Everyone] Ah!

- The stakes are high, his life.

Lights!

- Well..

I like it.

- I say let's move it to pilot and see what happens.

The initial outlay would be small.

- But not at the expense of quality.

- Oh, no. - No, no, no.

- No, no.

(whistling)

(TV playing in background)

- You were gone long enough.

- Big day.

So how was the wax museum?

- Great, they have more than I expected.

- Yeah? - But they got a bigger one

in Beuna Park and I'm going there tomorrow.

- Hmm.

- So did you get a job on TV?

- Yeah, made a 1,000 bucks today.

- No shit!

- Yup, I'm sitting on paper.

- Great.

- Sign contracts tomorrow for about 50 grand.

- Great.

- Yeah, Monday they start casting the Pac-Man show.

- Anything in it for me?

- Ain't it the truth.

Ain't it the truth, they just come out of

the fucking woodwork, what can you do?

You can't even get laid!

Can you act?

Can you act?

You know what they were talking about,

they were talking about casting William Shatner

in the part.

- No shit.

- And you wanna be in the show?

(laughing)

Please, (laughing) my heart.

- Okay, okay, hit me over the head with a brick bat

why don't ya?

I won't be in your stupid show.

- I'm sorry, maybe you can be a waiter or something.

- Fuck you.

- Okay, just trying to be nice to you for old times sake.

- Each shit H man.

- Turkey neck.

- Oh fuck!

- What?

- I forgot to unstrap the landlord yesterday.

- Moron, I told you not to help people.

- Oh God.

- He's got an attraction attraction by now.

- What should I do?

- Well he's probably dead.

You gotta just wait, see if it starts to stink down there

and then call the cops.

- What if he's not dead?

- Man, do what your heart tells you.

(TV program playing in a foreign language)

(upbeat music)

- Well, that was tasty.

- Excellent.

- What do you call that again?

- We call it an enchilada.

- [Everyone] Enchilada.

- Well it was excellent.

- And the green stuff was... - Guacamole.

- [Everyone] Guacamole.

- Don't go too far away Ms. Higgens, I may need you later

to take my dic...

Tation.

- So you think this Joe Clark might be our man, huh?

I've never heard of him.

- Well, he's an experienced actor and taking the high

concept approach, he's a got a fresh and unknown face.

He'll work for scale.

- He also looks a lot like the Pac-Man.

- Yes, but does he know the apple pattern?

- And who else do we have?

- Yes, R. Taylor Curtis.

- Ah from a Star Hunt, very impressive.

- Bring in Joe Clark.

- Let's grill this poon hound.

(clock ticking)

- So you think you could get behind the project,

the character?

- Oh yes, particularly the restaurant scenes.

Who is the director?

- We were thinking of Winn Kaalsen,

he's the Swedish director.

- No, I don't know him.

- He directed that series of Dad's Root beer commercials.

- Oh yes!

They were very funny.

- Well yes, but what impressed us most was his pacing.

- Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

- Yes. - Yes, yes

he got a lot in in 30 seconds.

- Mm-hmm. - Yes.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Yes. - Yes.

- Any questions Wiler, Morris?

Murphy?

- How big is your dick?

- What?

- Like this, does it go up here?

(upbeat rock music)

♪ Yeah come on baby won't you stay with me, ♪

♪ We're gonna smoke cigarettes and watch TV. ♪

♪ We're gonna rock, rock, rock and roll. ♪

♪ We're gonna rock.

But you don't understand, when the moon is full.

That's the difference between you and me,

when I got it I spend it.

I'm the king of the castle and I'm not leaving

with out my bowling ball.

God free done ya'll,

I was down in Buchanan Peninsula,

around lake Kitty Kaka,

surrounded by a wall of human flesh.

- (laughing) Don't let me interrupt you, pal,

that was fabulous go right ahead.

- But you know your honor I'm going to have

to take the fifth on that one because

we're all out of quartz. - We're all out of quartz.

(laughing)

- But seriously

ladies and Gen, - Ladies and gen.

- Many other go when I was a small boy.

- I hate to stop you but you are killing me

with this material. (laughing)

- My name's Albert, what's yours?

- Oh, hi Taylor Dup with one p from Ohio.

- No kidding, one p from Ohio.

Well don't feel bad about that, doesn't really matter

does it? (chuckling)

You look familiar have I seen you someplace?

- I don't know.

- You come around here very often?

- Yeah, almost everyday.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

It's nice and cool and dark in here.

- Yeah, and I like the dummy's.

- Huh, oh (laughing) yeah that's what it's all about huh?

But I never forget a face, you live around here.

- Yeah, over in Hollywood.

- Hollywood, no kidding.

Say you wanna cupcake?

- [Taylor] No thanks.

- Where abouts exactly in Hollywood?

- Oh on Mcadden place near Highland.

- No, not in that apartment building that smells so bad.

(laughing)

- Yeah.

- Smells like something died in there.

You wanna stick of gum?

- What kind?

- Juicy Fruit.

- Yeah thanks.

- I thought so, you tease.

Hey, I've been keeping a secret from you.

I just came from you apartment.

- You did?

- Yeah, you see my whole name is Sergeant Albert,

LAPD homicide.

We had a little problem with the landlord in your building,

a Mr. Joc Jeremy, male Caucasian,

160 pounds about six feet tall.

(laughing)

Well he's a little taller than that now, isn't he?

(swallowing)

You don't mind if we walk and talk do ya?

But my favorite part of the whole caper was,

they did it to him while he was strapped into a chair.

Pretty kinky, huh Cinderella?

- I didn't mean to hurt him.

- Well of course not, trust me speak up.

- He told me to do it.

- Of course he did.

- Where are you taking me?

- To the moon bang zoom,

to the moon.

- [Winn] Okay, bring your chairs closer to the table.

No um, closer.

Uh, closer.

- It could be hard to play the scene this close

to the table.

- [Winn] Oh try it, I say try it,

we can always change, yeah?

- It's hurting my stomach.

- [Winn] What dear?

- The table's hurting my stomach.

- It's for the shot.

Very taint.

But then we cut off

here.

I know, props, pillow, little pillow.

Yeah.

Now put this pillow on your belly, keep the table

from being to hard, yeah.

- Howdy!

Hold it, hold everything.

This is my favorite scene.

- Okay, hold it everybody, gentlemen take it over.

Have a seat boys.

The scene is very good. (laughing)

Okay.

Start.

- [Sandra] Do you come here often?

- [Joe] Not often enough, the food here is very good.

- [Sandra] You're an interesting man, you seem so lonely,

so energetic.

But men like you scare me.

- Don't get too close, bad things happen to those

who get too close to me.

- You should get a bigger table.

- Hold it.

What?

What?

- Table needs to be bigger, she get too close to him.

- No, but the shot is a tight shot.

I want tension with the position.

- Okay, I'm tense already.

Look at me, I'm shaking.

Look, I don't want any artsy fartsy answers,

I write for the people.

And why is that pillow under her shirt?

Who knocked her up?

Pac-Man, that's not in my script.

Why do you fight me on these points?

And where are the waiters?

There have to be waiters!

- Please, I am director, this only rehearsal

waiters be here tomorrow.

- Well I want them here now or I'll have your ears

you swarthy swage.

- Gentlemen, please.

- Look, I'm sorry, it's just I've been sweating blood

over this script and I want it done my way

not the Swedish version.

- Idiot!

- Meatball!

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Let's just run the scene.

- That's fine with me, but I don't see how you're gonna

do it with waiters.

- Well use your mind will you, stupid, stupid man.

There are four waiters.

We'll have a waiter over here.

And one waiter over here with bottle of Pouli vishay.

- If you say so Hortence.

- Head waiter is preparing nice big steak

and spinach salad.

- I'll have mine medium rare.

- And uh... - Where's Pokey?

- I'm getting to that if you just give me the courtesy

of hearing me out.

- Sorry, didn't mean to tread on tender toes.

- The fourth waiter, Pokey, is over here with dessert cart.

- Sounds delicious, Winn, sounds good.

- Thank you, now may we continue?

- Bon ami Winnie da pooch.

- Such a stupid man,

how did he write such a marvelous script?

I don't...

Continue my fine actors.

- Could you give me the cue please?

- Oh sorry.

- Uh,

I think I can, but men like you scare me.

- [Joe] Don't get too close, bad things happen

to those who get too close to me.

- [Sandra] Like what?

- [Joe] Like they get devoured.

- [Sandra] Sounds good. (laughing)

- I need a drink.

Waiter, some water.

- Okay, let's see you get through this with no waiter.

- Oh shut up, we pretend.

Okay.

Waiter comes,

you smile.

He fills your glass Pac-Man, then you, Sandra,

continue.

- [Joe] New York tap water, best in the country.

- You clink glasses and then you spill the water

on her t-shirt.

- Oh my god I'm so sorry. - Oh dear.

An accident. - I'm so embarrassed.

Now when...this is where I try to dry her off?

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm so embarrassed.

- Uh, uh.

I'm all wet.

- Oh, what a scene.

- I'm sorry I'm so clumsy.

Perhaps after I eat we could go back to my place

for some dry things.

- What writing!

- Or to my place because that's where I keep my clothes.

- [Joe] Sounds good, but first I have to eat.

- I understand.

- I haven't eaten for days.

- I've been pursued.

- By whom?

- My past, wasted youth, faulty sentimentality.

- You're so virile.

So agile.

- Powerful stuff.

- Okay, now without the waiters...

- My favorite part, go!

Go!

- [Sandra] Go, go, I need you Pac-Man.

- Go for the cherry man, the cherry.

- Go, go, I love you, I want you.

The waters are filled with sharks Pac-Man.

- Go that way, go that way.

- Go, go. - Now run, run, run!

- Go, Go,

- [Men] 200, 400, 800, 1600.

- Now, you're full of fish, you're full of fish.

(electronic game music)

(screaming)

- Cut, cut.

(everyone clapping)

- Beautiful, beautiful scene.

- Not bad, not bad at all.

- What did you think?

Was it okay without the waiters?

- Oh yeah, yeah, it's fine.

- I don't know it feels, with the wall of fish

it feels funny to me.

- Yeah, yeah, it will for now, for a bit.

- Just keep it up, looks great!

Trust me.

Yeah take 10.

- [Camera Woman] Take 10.

- [Winn] So what you think?

- Looking hot.

- Yeah, yeah, you see we start in tight the table

and pull back for my shot of chase.

- Sounds like genius to me.

Maybe I spoke too soon, Bjorn.

- No, no we get on fine, you see.

- The scene looks great you weasel, I love

the work you're doing.

- Well, you've given me the first script I've seen

that's actor proof.

- Oh too kind.

Way too kind, mon amie.

Hey um, do we need another waiter in the background?

I've a got a buddy who'd be a good waiter.

- Does he have experience?

- Oh boy, you ask the toughies.

Uh, none.

He does impressions.

- Sorry then, no we only want the best.

- I see.

Well he's pretty shitty.

- Well then uh...

No we don't want him.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Okay Dup, we're gonna start all over again.

You're forcing my hand.

You know I don't wanna open that door.

But I guess you give me no choice.

And you know the horrible thing about doors,

once they've been opened it's real hard to keep

what's on the other side out.

- What do you mean?

(chuckling)

(door opening)

(suspenseful music)

(making silly noises)

- You see my friend here, Sergeant Rose?

- Yeah.

- Well my friend don't like you Dup.

I like you okay, but my friend don't.

What can I tell ya, he's a product of a nuclear family,

middle child, ex-catholic, he's dangerous.

As long as you talk to me and tell me the truth,

I'm gonna stay here and keep my partner in line,

but if you clam up or you keep lying to me, well I might

have to get myself a bottle of mineral water.

And then..

- Then I get me some meatballs.

Then I get some taters, mm.

Then I get me some gravy.

- Okay, okay, go easy just keep him away!

- I want my dinner, chomp, chomp.

- Okay, Rosey, okay.

Okay quiet, quiet Rosey.

Quiet, (chuckling) it's okay, I think Taylor's

gonna cooperate with us now, Rosey.

(snorting)

(squealing like a pig)

Okay Taylor, you don't mind if I call you Taylor do ya?

- No.

- Okay, Taylor, you put the strap around his neck right?

- Yeah, I strapped him into the chair and there were straps

around his arms, legs, and his neck,

but he told me to do it.

- He told you to do it, he told you!

- Yeah, yeah.

- I'm getting hungry.

- He told you?

- He told me to do it.

- What about the bag of sand?

- Around his neck and over the doorway, but he told me

to do it.

- You're lying!

- Calm, calm, calm Rosey, calm Rosey.

Hey, wait a minute. (laughing)

Maybe they're just gay.

(laughing)

So you guys were making love gay style.

- What?

- Got a little carried away, a little rough trade.

You think I don't know?

I've been to those movies, I've read those books,

I've been to those bars.

- You have?

- [Taylor] No, no you got me wrong.

His back was out, he wanted traction.

- Oh, and you

gave it to him! - Gave it to him!

- As your court appointed attorney,

I would advise a plea of guilty.

The DA has assured me that he'll reduce the charges

to second degree murder.

- Well that sounds pretty bad.

- Well, it's not good news,

but it's better than the gas chamber.

- Yeah, I don't wanna go to the gas chamber.

- No, no of course you don't.

Why you'd be a fool if you did.

We could try for a plea of insanity, that would get you

back on the street but uh...

Then again, I think you'd be better off behind bars.

- No, I don't wanna go to jail.

- Hey, hey, not so fast.

It's just like being in the army.

- I hate the army.

- Or living in the same apartment for 20 or 30 years,

with basically the same neighbors.

(bell ringing)

(dramatic music)

- Are you on my side?

- Of course I am.

Listen, some people blossom in prison.

Why you could do arts and crafts, weight lifting,

a lot of things.

- Well I wouldn't mind getting into some weight lifting.

- There you see!

And you'll meet a lot of new men...

And women.

- Women?

- Oh sure.

Well you go for outings with the female prison.

- Female prison!

And the DA will drop all the charges?

- Reduce 'em, yeah.

- Where do I sign?

- Right here.

(laughing)

- What is it?

- Well, Joe, we've been working on this project

for about a week now--

- It's really been something.

- Joe, you are awfully good as the Pac-Man

I mean you got the part down.

- Well thanks, I've spent about $50 in quarters

researching the roll.

(laughing)

- I love that. (laughing)

That's too much.

You actors. (laughing)

But I'm gonna have to fire you.

- What?

- It's not you, it's the concept.

You see, when we cast you in this part we were aiming

at a high concept, but the life that you gave the script

was so, well how would you say uh, energetic.

Boys from New York decided we could really clean up

with this show.

Aim for a larger share.

What I'm saying is we've decided to go for low concept

and even as we speak, William Shatner is reading the script.

- What?

- The Captain himself.

- You're firing me for William Shatner?

- If Billy wants the part, yes.

- But can he do the waiter scene?

Can he run that fast?

Can he work with fish?

- Well we got a stunt double.

- Well I think this sucks!

What about Sandra?

- We're keeping Sandra, she's got great tits,

and I think I can fuck her.

- (scoffs) Ah this really sucks.

You used me, you used me.

- Well yeah, but we didn't use all of ya.

Think about it this way.

- [Camera Women] Marker.

- Eat shit.

- Now I'd like to say a word about the importance

of continuity of the--

- That's the logical progression of action in sequence.

- The importance of continuity in the art of film,

the fabulous director, Inglemar Bergman once said

"You've gotta have it."

Well unfortunately in this film, we don't.

We used to have it, but we lost it about,

what four weeks? - Four weeks.

- Four weeks ago.

And it really wasn't our fault, several crucial scenes

had to be um..

- They tried to sue him.

- Todd.

Several crucial scenes--

- Sorry.

- No, no several crucial hard hitting scenes

about the legal profession and life in this country

as we know it had to be excised from the final answer print.

- They really screwed us up.

- Lawyers are such horrible, horrible people.

At any rate, contributors to the robot from outer space,

should not be worried in the least because that project

is gonna have plenty of continuity.

- You bet, tons of it.

- I'm sorry, but enough is enough.

That was one of the long expository scenes

from the new film

"Two Idiots in Hollywood", film which I frankly

didn't like very much.

T. Barry Armstrong has demonstrated,

I think, once and for

all Loupenis, why it's so difficult being a film critic.

A really terrible movie like this, is a hard sit.

- Now see now, I really didn't find it so terrible.

Despite lack of momentum or any real characters you could

identify with, I found it curiously moving.

Even though it is definitely one of those films

if you're running late and can't find a place to park near

the theater, or want some popcorn, or cold drink, or need

to go to the restroom first, I mean I say go don't sit

there and hold it in.

- Well yeah, right.

Let's talk about momentum.

Those pauses, obviously to punctuate on a non-existent

tension in a non-existent film.

Here are some clips of the pauses from "Two Idiots

in Hollywood", by T. Barry Armstrong.

(cinematic music)

Talk about I got plenty of nothing.

- Well yeah, at the same time I felt the film took a hard

and a long look at the entertainment industry.

And the filmmakers continually aiming to appeal

to the lowest common denominator,

we may soon find ourselves

viewing a film which is lower and more common than anything

we could have ever imagined when we were children.

And our parents dropped us off unchaperoned at the picture

show for hours at a time, and we had to search

for meaningless flickering images to fill

our empty little lives.

One of the bright lights in the film is an awkward

lens setted clip of T. Barry Armstrong's new film

"The Robot From Outer Space".

In which Robert I must confess it's so good

it gave me goose pimples.

- Wrong as usual, Loupenis.

Using one film to promote a sequel or in this case

another film, is a dangerous Hollywood trend.

It makes about as much sense as putting on your rubbers

before the date. (chuckling)

- The last time you touched your rubbers was when it rained.

- Oh fuck you.

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Fuck you! - Fuck you!

- Well I hated this movie.

But I'm sorry this whole discussion

has degenerated into--

- [Girl] Mr. Wegg?

- Oh, the voice of some editors.

- Mr. Wegg, there's a message from your office.

- Well if it's from the oriface, (laughing)

you know, you really are lovely my dear.

- Thank you, sir.

- I don't know, the dove like breasts, the creamy thighs,

the taunt buttocks.

- Thank you, sir.

- Have you ever thought about making acting a career?

- Only in my dreams.

- Oh dreams, dreams.

Well perhaps I could make those dreams come true.

(quacking)

- What sir?

- If you have talent.

Now, do you have talent?

- Oh yes, sir.

- Are you willing to work hard?

- Yes, sir.

- Break down all emotional and psychological boundaries

even to the point of performing acts, which may at first

seem physically repugnant?

- If necessary.

- Do you have a headshot?

- No.

- That's all right.

I can see your head. (laughing)

I know, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you read me my message and that way

I can check your diction.

- Yes, Mr. Wegg.

- Okay now, let me see if I can find your diaphragm

all right, just gonna look for the diaphragm, let's see.

Oh, there it is.

Okay, now breathe.

(breathing deeply)

Good, good, good.

Okay, now my message.

- Oh Murphy, it's Taylor, I'm in jail for murdering

the landlord.

Signed the confession, trial tomorrow.

Could be a mistake but I told lawyer to put me

in prison, need help.

- Good, but yeah I don't know, somehow I didn't really

believe that you needed help.

- Oh but I do.

- I don't know, maybe with some rehearsal,

tonight at my apartment.

- Well if you think it's necessary.

- Oh it's absolutely necessary.

- Hey, Wegg, Weiner and Davis wanna see you,

better hurry it's important.

- Oh great, it's the boys from New York,

see you at eight my dear.

- Oh, where?

- My place.

No wait, second thought, let's make it the Chateau moi moi.

No wait, third thought, let's make it my place,

it looks like Taylor will be out of

the apartment for awhile.

So what does Billy say, yes, no, maybe?

What?

You brute, you kill me with suspense.

- Ah, shut up!

- You're fired.

- Uh, what?

- We're hiring someone else to do the rewrites.

Shatner may do it, but he wants rewrites.

- Oh wait, wait, my script?

No that's impossible, it's actor proof.

- Oh your script is good, - Script is good,

but Mel and I agree you can't do the rewrite.

You're too stupid. - You're too stupid.

- That's my genius.

Okay, okay, okay, who are you hiring?

- Jerzy Kosinki.

- [Murphy] Well he's foreign, who the fuck is he?

- He was in Reds.

- Clean out your desk, you're finished.

- But don't worry, maybe we'll work together again

on some future project.

(crying)

- You can't do this to me, you can't, you mean,

you horrible horrible people.

You write by committee.

(laughing)

What a terrible horrible day, I mean here I was

I was about to be King pin. (laughing)

Money,

fame,

pussy, a track record and then smash. (laughing)

All my hopes are dashed, there is no hope.

None!

(thudding)

♪ If you thought Vietnam was bad ♪

♪ You thought that Reagan was sad ♪

♪ If you think your futures been had ♪

♪ Like Chinese food in a bag

♪ Well I've got some news for you ♪

♪ I've got some news for you

♪ It wasn't that bad

♪ Well it wasn't that bad

- I knew you'd be coming home soon, boy.

Ma, Ma, guess who's here?

- Gee boy, it's good to have you home.

I've been cooking up some of those juicy big

you like so much.

- So get your butt on back there.

♪ I got some news for you

(screaming)

♪ I've got some news for you

♪ It wasn't that bad

♪ You shoulda been glad

♪ When the dark days come to town ♪

♪ Come to town

♪ You better not be around

♪ Be around

♪ Come on baby let's leave tonight ♪

♪ We've got this one chance to make it right, yeah. ♪

(screaming)

♪ You think your friends are so near ♪

♪ But all you do is drink beer

♪ And you live your life in fear ♪

♪ Of all you see and hear

♪ Well I've got some news for you ♪

(screaming)

♪ Yeah I got some news for you

♪ It wasn't that bad

♪ You shoulda been glad

(screaming)

- [Zombies] We need your ideas.

We need good ideas.

We need good ideas.

We need good ideas.

We need good ideas.

We need good ideas.

We need good ideas.

We need good ideas.

- Oh, Hars, I've lost everything, even Taylor.

Taylor, he's going to jail for murder.

He's such an idiot, he even signed a confession.

Taylor.

Taylor,

the trial.

The trial.

Maybe I can save him, he could pay the rent next month.

Taylor.

Taylor!

Taylor!

Taylor!

(upbeat rock music)

(clanging)

(car honking)

- Do you think we'll be here long?

- No, very short, very short.

- Why would you say that?

- He's obviously guilty as hell.

- Mr. Dup, do you promise to preserve, protect,

and defend the constitution of

the United States of America?

- I do.

- I must say, in all my years as a judge, having heard

thousands of cases from the bench, this particular case

turns my stomach.

I think I may just vomit.

- I object.

You're influencing the jury.

- Overruled.

- C'est la vie.

(upbeat music)

- Oh wow. - Yeah.

- So Mr. Dup.

Is it true you had a relationship with

the dead landlord Joc Jeremy?

- I just met him.

- Oh I see, so you didn't even know him very well?

- No. - I see,

it was all very casual.

- I just met him.

- I see, I see.

- So you picked him up in your arms, carried him down

to his room, - Yes.

- You strapped him in a chair.

- Yes.

- And then you hung a 30 pound weight around his neck.

- I'm gagging.

- Yes. - And then what did you do?

- Uh, I went upstairs and I watched TV.

- You what?

TV?

- Yes.

(everyone gasping)

- After a vicious homosexual torture murder!

Your honor, I've heard enough!

- No, you got me wrong, I was helping him.

- Order.

Order, or I'll clear this chamber.

(cars honking)

- Your honor, exhibit A.

(jury gasping)

(upbeat music)

- [Murphy] Take me to the court house, fast.

- Anything you say, Pal.

♪ Blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ Blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ While walking down the avenue ♪

♪ Who did I chance to meet

♪ A comely miss and her sweet sis ♪

♪ with eyes and smile so sweet

♪ We walked in the park til way past dark ♪

♪ We sat on the village green

♪ And then with a smirk they hiked up their skirts ♪

♪ And lo they were Marines

♪ They sang blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ Blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ Our life is to roam from town to town ♪

♪ But we're always at home when we blow ♪

♪ The man down

♪ They say blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

(upbeat rock music)

♪ They sing blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ Blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ My life was to roam from town to town ♪

♪ But we're always at home when we blow the man down ♪

♪ They sang blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ Blow, blow, blow the man down ♪

♪ Our life is to roam from town to town ♪

♪ But we're always at home when we blow the man down ♪

- I don't see any reason to drag this on any longer

than necessary.

- Should we just have the jury recess to deliberate?

- Yup.

- Any objection?

- [Jury] No.

- Okay, get out. (laughing)

- Judge, your honor, wait.

I've lived in this great country, America,

for 62 years to be exact.

(soft tune humming)

Speaking for the rest of the jury,

there's no need to deliberate.

We've talked all through the trial,

and we are agreed.

- Well good, let's hear it.

- We find the defendant, Taylor Dup--

- Wait!

Hold the phone, hold up.

Don't gas him.

I got evidence.

- [Everyone] Evidence?

- Murph!

- Hey kid, don't worry I'm batting for ya.

- [Judge] Take the stand.

- Thanks judge.

- Questions?

- Thanks, sire.

(jury cheering)

So, is it true that you know the defendant Taylor Dup?

- Yes.

- [Everyone] Ooh.

- Will you tell us what happened on the afternoon

when landlord Joc Jeremy was cruelly murdered?

- Okay here it is.

Taylor here carried him downstairs.

- [Everyone] Yes.

- Strapped him into his chair.

- [Everyone] Yes.

- Hung a 30 pound sand bag from his head.

(everyone gasping)

- Order, or I'll clear this chamber.

- Anything else?

- Yes.

He went upstairs and he watched TV.

- No!

- Order, order!

I heard enough, hippy's, yippy's, and beatnicks,

and now this.

It's people like you who make a sham out of civilization

and turn the me generation into a cruel joke.

Jury, what have you to say?

- We agree, we find the defendant, Taylor Dup--

- Stop!

Stop!

- A ghost!

A ghost!

- ET! - ET!

- Poltergeist! - Poltergeist!

♪ Poltergeist

- Is that Abraham Lincoln? - [Everyone] Poltergeist,

poltergeist, poltergeist, poltergeist, poltergeist.

Poltergeist!

(screaming)

ET, ET, ET, ET, ET, ET.

- No I'm not the ET.

(everyone groaning)

But I am a ghost.

I am the spirit of Joc Jeremy

the landlord.

- Holy smokes!

- This man has done nothing.

He tried to help me.

- Well then we should let him go.

Agreed?

- [Jury] Yes.

- Wait!

You don't think I come all the way back from the dead

to untangle your messes.

Huh!

It's too much trouble.

You all act like dogs.

So eager to get a big dinner.

Just remember, it's only bones.

The real feast is in the air.

In the water, in the trees.

Live like Adam and the garden

will be yours.

There are places in the world for everyone.

Unfortunately most of them are at the back of the line.

Remember, those that can,

do

those that can't

move to California.

What's the matter with you?

I was a young man once,

so were you, I remember,

although I'm now nothing but cold air,

I remember my warm body running in the wind.

Smelling mimosa, drinking ice water,

thinking

how high the table tops were.

(upbeat music)

- Well I guess that landlord turned out to be

a pretty okay guy after all.

- Yeah, considering.

- Yeah.

- Thanks for coming, I know you were probably pretty busy.

- Nah, the butt steaks fired me.

- No! - Yeah.

- What about Pac-Man?

- They stole the idea.

- Gee, well it doesn't matter.

- No. - Nah.

- Why?

- You never had rights in the first place.

- Hey that's right.

- They'll be sued.

- Ah, it serves 'em right.

- So. - So.

- Did you get laid?

- I got that close.

What about you?

- Hardy har har.

- Hey come on man, don't get discouraged.

LA is a land of opportunity.

- Yeah?

- Sure.

You know, I've been thinking.

- Yeah.

- Let's become DJ's.

- What?

- We'd get tons of snatch.

- You think so?

- Oh yeah, we can talk.

- Yeah.

- We like music.

- Yeah.

- We don't have to live like dogs.

- We don't?

- No, we can have it all.

- What if we can't?

- We can still dream.

(upbeat music)

(quacking)

(electronic beeping)

- [Narrator] What is the most powerful force

in the universe?

- [People] The robot from outer space.

- [Narrator] What can not be stopped?

- [People] The robot from outer space.

- [Narrator] What must die for the Earth to live?

- The robot from outer space.

- [Narrator] It's action.

(groaning)

- I believe you and your experienced crew

are in a tight spot.

- We don't care about us,

but are you just going to sit there and watch

the Earth be destroyed?

- I believe I'm standing up. (laughing)

- Don't play on words with me Dr. Skull.

(zapping)

(moaning)

- Think about it.

- [Narrator] It's excitement.

- Uh-uh.

Uh-huh.

- It's your move.

- Checkmate.

(ship horn)

Next.

(sirens blaring)

- Think about it. - Think about it.

- [Narrator] It's suspense.

(screaming)

- It's bizarre.

(upbeat music)

Its got everything.

♪ Spank, spank, spank how I love that touch ♪

♪ Spank, spank, spank, oh it hurts so much ♪

♪ Slap my buttocks and my inner thighs ♪

♪ I think what a naughty boy am I ♪

- [Narrator] Starring R. Taylor Curtis from Star Hunt.

as Turk McElroy,, Space Wrangler.

And featuring Morgana, the bionic cow.

And the robot from outer space.

Brought to the men who brought you "Two Idiots in Hollwood"

T. Barry Armstrong and Todd.

(snapping)

(upbeat music)