Two Heads Creek (2019) - full transcript

A timid butcher and his drama queen twin sister quit the hostile confines of post- Brexit Britain and adventure to Australia in search of their birth mother, but the seemingly tolerant townsfolk are hiding a dark, meaty secret.


♪ Every time
I call you on the phone ♪

♪ They tell me
that you're not at home ♪

♪ But last night
when I called you ♪

♪ Before I said hello ♪

♪ I could hear you ♪

♪ (Hear you) ♪

♪ Saying in the background ♪

♪ (Saying in the background) ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ (Tell him I'm not home) ♪

♪ You're never home ♪

♪ If, by chance,
you found somebody new ♪

♪ And you don't know
what to say or do ♪

♪ I'd feel better
when I called you ♪

♪ If you asked me not to phone ♪

♪ Instead of saying ♪

♪ (Hear you) ♪

♪ Saying in the background ♪

♪ (Saying in the background) ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ (Tell him I'm not home) ♪

♪ You're never home ♪

♪ The next time
I call you on the phone ♪

♪ Don't let them tell me ♪

♪ That you're not at home ♪


(Indistinct chatter on TV)

WOMAN: (On TV) It's difficult
news for John to take in

but the DNA test confirms
that his biological mother

is indeed Jean-Marie Claude
a Parisian dentist

who murdered her husband
in cold blood.

MAN: (On TV) It's horrifying,
to think all this time

I've been French.

WOMAN: (On TV) As John
looks out to the horizon

he must question
whether he wants to go on

with his journey.

Will meeting his mother
give him the answers

he's always wanted

or will she be
the very nightmare

we all know French people
to be?

(Phone ringing)



(Phone continues ringing)

long-distance call from Australia.

(Phone beeping)


MARY: (On phone) Who...
Who's this?

Where's Gabriella?

Tell her it's Mary Pearce
and I've almost got the money.

When did you make your order?

Because we're having a bit of
a sausage crisis lately.

MARY: (On phone)
Who are you?

Norman, her son.

MARY: (On phone)

And you still live at home?

Bloody hell.

(Phone beeping)

(Tell Him I'm Not Home
by Chuck Jackson playing)

(Knocking on door)

Just a minute!

- (Machine whirring)
- Oh, shit!


(Dog barks)




What'd you say?

You're a Polish prick
with a baby's dick.


Send my best to your mother,



(Banging on door)

Please, just fuck off!

(Women gasps)

(Indistinct chattering)

So it's an unpaid student film

and you want me to get
a tit out?


I'll think about it.

(Zdrowas Badz Maryja
by Józef Surzynski playing)

Couldn't find a church?

It's traditional to do the wake
at home in Poland.

Not that you'd know.

And is it traditional to put
the coffin by the meat freeze?

Well, I couldn't get it up
the stairs

and I thought
she'd stay fresher here.

Who did her make-up?

Liza Minnelli?




(Speaks in Polish)

You what?

Oh, she must have seen
your advert.

The stool softener.

Oh yes.

Well, it pays the bills.

(Speaking in Polish)

She's wondering
whether they made you

take the pills,

because you've lost
a lot of weight.

You used to be a bit bigger.

- Really, really...
- Yes, I get the picture.

You big, big.

Well I'm a vegan now, actually.

It's far more salubrious.

Mum would have been so proud.

She loved us both
as if we were here own.

What does that mean?

(Speaks in Polish)

Charity shop.


(Annabelle clears throat)

What are you doing?

this was her favourite record.

Why is Mr Mateusz in here?

Mr Mateusz is disgusting.

Well what is it, a rat?

He is a bear.

This has still got her hair
on it.

(Annabelle chuckles)

Who are the Twits?

They're our great-grandparents.

Bogumil and Bogumila.

On their wedding day.

You know that Mum traced
our family line

all the way back
to King Casimir the Great.

Oh, great!

It wouldn't kill you to take
a bit more of an interest

in where you come from.

Would I get to inherit
the family business, then?

You left to pursue
your own career.

No I ran away, actually.

Mum drove you to the station.

You were always the favourite.

That's not fair.

Well why do you think she sent
you to a private school,

while I had to slum it
in state?

You were expelled
from that school

for making a headmaster cry.

My little angel Norman

with his bright,
blonde lesbian hair.

You were always going
to get everything, weren't you?

I stayed, Anna,

because family means
something to me.

And why is it lesbian hair?



"She loved us
as if we were her own."

Because we weren't.

This is our real mother.

Mary Pearce.


Is that?


Did you do this?

Don't anger them.


I asked you a question, bitch.

It's called acting, darling.

I just knew I was adopted.

So this Mary.

She made a deal with Gabriella,
did she?

Something about money.

Well, I'll look up flights,
but you're paying.

I couldn't even afford
a proper funeral, Anna.

Well you could.

- If you sold the butcher's.
- (Scoffs)


Mum put everything
into this place, Anna.

She's not our Mum!

She's been lying to us.

There's no Bogmila,
no Bogmula,

- no King Calamari.
- It's Casimir.

Norman, look.

I am your older sister.

By two and a half minutes.

Which makes you...

The parasitic twin.

Yes, I know.

So I can be honest with you.

And honestly, you are though
mildly endearing

a completely useless
human being.

You don't belong here.

You're not a butcher.

You can't butch.

You can't cook.

You... you can't clean.

But you're finally freeto
find out who you really are.

Now are you going to snub
that opportunity

to spend the rest of your life
rubbing chicken breasts

together in Slough?

Piss off back to Poland!

What did Gabriella used to say
when we used to go to church?

Family goes...



So, you coming or not?


You're paying.



♪ Standing on solid rock ♪

♪ Standing on sacred ground ♪

♪ Living o-on
borrowed ti-i-i-ime ♪

♪ And the winds of change
are blowin' down the line ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪


- Anna!

What is it now?

This... this place,
Two Heads Creek.

- It's not on the map.
- Map?

You're not fucking
Indiana Jones, Norman.

Google it.

Oh look, you've gone global.

Oh, fuck off, Norman.

(Female announcer on PSA)

Gidday, gidday.

Previous criminal record?

Why, is that a prerequisite
for entry?

(Indistinct chattering
in background)


They help me sleep.

That's antique.

My mother's.

(Takes a deep breath)

And that is my mother.

Mum, what are you doing here?

(Indistinct chattering
in background)

Now I have no problem
with the blades

and the pingas, sir.

But I'd like to draw
your attention

to the immigration card
that you filled in upon arrival

where it clearly states that
foreign bodies, dead or alive

carry the risk of contamination

to Australia's unique
and individual eco-system.

I've no choice
but to issue you with a fine.

final destination in Australia.

Two Heads Creek.

What did you say?

Two Heads Creek.

You wanna go to Two Heads Creek?

Can I speak to your manager?

I am my manager.

Then you have no right
to detain us without reason.

- Anna just...
- No, excuse me.

So unless you want me
to compose a negative tweet

about our experiences
here today

Clive, I suggest you
let us through at once.

Oh well in that case
I'll get someone to show you

to the bus stop.

What about the fine?

Ah, it's fine.

Fine, yeah.


you just have a wonderful stay

in Australia, Norman.

How did you know my name?

See you round like a rissole.


(Bus whirring)


Two Heads Creek?

Gidday gidday!

Well don't just stand there,
climb on board.

Everyone's welcome.

Apari, bags.

You take bags.


Thank you.

- Norman?
- Mmm?

Why is everyone Chinese?

You can't say that, Anna.

What, Chinese?

Oh, for goodness sake, Norman.

I think we can say Chinese
if they're Chinese.

I'm Vietnamese.


Oh oh, no no no,
I didn't sort of mean everyone.

I just sort of meant you know
because... because...

Oh, shut up.

What a magical day.

Ever since her discovery
in 1770

this prosperous country
has been built on the hard work

and dedication of immigrants
just like yourselves.

Without you, without us
there would literally be

nothing here of any value
whatsoever at all.

So on behalf of the state
of Queensland

the Commonwealth of Australia

and His Majesty
Prince George gidday.

So now I'd like to invite you
to sit back relax and enjoy

the quick 10-hour journey
to your final destination.

Come on.

I can't believe we're actually
going to meet her.

Wonder what she'll be like.


What does she do?

What does she eat?

What does she smell like?


I've had
a very stressful flight,

I haven't slept for two days

it's so hot
I think my boobs are melting.

But is it too much to ask
for a bit of peace and quiet?

♪ When you move in
right up close to me ♪

♪ That's when I get the shakes
all over me ♪

♪ Quivers down my back bone ♪

♪ I've got the shakes
down the kneebone ♪

♪ Shakin' all over ♪


The bus is on fire!

The bus in on fire!

You're all gonna die!

(Apple laughs)

Well done, everyone.

That was a drill
and you all did very well.

Well, this is as far
as the bus goes.

That's it.

Gather 'round.

Is that everyone?

Do try to avoid the koalas.

If they urinate on you,
you will contract chlamydia.

It's like this town is stuck
in the '70s.

Yeah, I'd say it's more '60s.

Let's just agree that it's shit.

Built originally as a pig farm

Two Heads has since become
one of the most innovative

and culturally rich towns
in the southern hemisphere.

With the support from the

Worldwide Australian National
Citizenship Authority Scheme

we have proudly been
initiating newcomers

into the country
for over 20 years.

So it's like a town
for immigrants.

Oh, heaven.

Our mother lives
in a refugee camp.

Here we have the village hall.

Our world-famous stationery shop
inspired by JA Burchill.

He invented the notepad.

Our local second-hand store.

Two Heads is known
as one of the first

carbon neutral towns
on the planet.



Our very own footy field.

Australian Rules, of course.

The butcher's.

And if you'll head this way,
you'll see our world-famous

Villagers Arms Hotel

the beating heart
of our community.

She owns the butcher's, too.

She owns everything.

Maybe that's where
she met Gabriella.

Where are you going?

She lives at number 66.

Anna, we can't just deviate
from the tour.


Oh, fine.

Don't worry about the bags.

I'll get the bags.


(Door rattles)

Looks like she's out.




Anna, that's breaking in.

I'm not breaking in.


Okay, I'm breaking in.




Anna, where are you?

Anna, this is not funny.


(Key playing)

Jesus Christ!



Where are you?

(Taking deep breaths)

- (Gasps)
- That's not a knife!


Do not sneak up on me like that,

She's got loads of 'em.



There's something not
quite right about this place.


I know it's a little bit

but I think
with a lick of paint,

it could be alright.


(Wind howling)

(Floor creaks)


(Gasping and screaming)

(Taking deep breaths)

Now this is a knife.

Oh come on, Norman,
where are your balls?

Will you stop being sexist?

How am I being sexist?

My desire not to be killed
has nothing to do

with having
or not having testicles.

Well there's no need to be
a whining pussy about it.


(Bell dings)


Maybe if you just hit it harder.


Ah, is this the reception?


Reception's over there.



You're the talk of the town.

We don't get many Europeans.

Do you know Prince George?


Oh, I was only joking.

ANNABELLE: We're looking for our
mother, actually.

She lives on this road.

Number 66.

That's old Mary Pearce's place.

Mary Pearce, yes.

Yeah, but Mary Pearce is...


Mary Pearce is dead.


Mary was a wonderful woman.

I used to love to watch
her dance, you know?

Sometimes it looked like
she'd short-circuited.

She was so full of life.

Until she was dead.

But yet, there were moments
of stillness and...

no talking when she was asleep.


And in the end
she lost her head.


She left us years ago.

I'm just so sad that
I never got to meet her.

No, I'm vegan.

So to whom did the house belong?

- The house?
- It's number 66.

We went there before.

I know it's a little bit
Myra Hindley...

You have no business there.

The house belongs
to the village now.

I'm sorry you've come
all this way for nothing

but really it's time for you
to be leaving now.

I spoke to her.

(Dish clatters)


Go and help your uncle
with the sheets.

When did you speak with her?

On the phone,
just before we left.

You said she died years ago.


Her brain.

Her body gave way yesterday.

Well, I'd like to see her.

To pay our respects.

She's dead, mate.

Then when's the funeral?

The funeral is tomorrow.

You must come, of course.

Will you excuse me now.

(Music playing on jukebox)

You're lucky we had space.

Gets very busy,

what with the Australia Day

Oh, what's that?

Only the most important,
incredible and exciting day

of the year.

And there's karaoke.

We're doing the funeral,
and that's final!




(Camera clicks)

Shall I get them
some Meaty-Mite?

Is that like Marmite?


I don't consume meat products.

What do you want, then?

An onion?


Well maybe in a salad.

We don't do salad.

Give them the stew.



Welcome home.

We are so sorry for your loss.

Mary was like family.

She gave everything
to the community.


Do not mansplain over me.

It is my right as a woman
not be interrupted!

We thought you were dead!

But we are thrilled that
that is not the case.


My first born.

Uncle Morris, my father.

Fuck off, ya pommy bastards!


He likes you.

And this is Jayne,
our pride and joy.

And your biggest fan.

We use your stuff every day.

Well don't you have lovely hair.



With a Y.

She's very particular
about the spelling.


You two need a drink.

We've got, ah, Beaujolais,
Shiraz and Chianti.

But that'll cost you extra.

What, before dinner?

If he's a man,
he'll have a XXXX.

What's a XXXX?

It's a man's drink.



Oh, goes down like a fat kid
on a see-saw.

Well, I'll have one of those.






Looks like Mary's prodigy's
got a vagina.

No, he doesn't.

But I do.

Pass me one of those.


That's how it's done, boys.


I like to have a drink
with Anna

'Cause Anna's me mate!

(Indistinct cheering)

She drinks it down in eight,
seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one!


Grub's up.



That's really good.

It's sort of smoking.

You sure
you don't want any of this?

Fuck it, give me the stew.

Give me the stew...

- Oh, it's sublime.
- Isn't it?

What is it?
It's so sweet.

It's so tender.

I think it's...

Well I think it's veal.

It's baby cow?

Oh, that's really bad,
isn't it?

(Both laughs)


Remember that weekend
that Mum took us to that place,

was it in Bournemouth?

our first and final holiday.

And I dared you to...

To eat 70 chicken nuggets
on the pier.

Yes, I do remember, thank you.

You lost five pounds that day.

You gained 10.

Do you know I got the worst
food poisoning ever that day.

(Bee buzzing)

(Tuumy rumbling)


(Rumbling continues)

Don't forget to flush!

Oh, you're not funny!


(Indistinct chattering
in the distance)

NOAH: They could put the
whole operation in danger.

Everything we've worked for.

I will take care of it.

They will leave
after the funeral.

But we've never done a funeral.

You'll be fine.




Do you want me
to wash your wombat?

Beg your pardon?

Your toy wombat.

This is...

a wombat.


I mean, it's not mine.

It's my sister's.

She's really immature, so...


The day she arrived
in Australia.

She looks so happy.

Oh, that was before the family
took back control of the farm.

She owned a farm?

She was a very hard worker.

Wish I'd got the chance
to meet her.

Thank you, for this.

I like your haircut.



NORMAN: So Anna, it turns out
Mary came here as an immigrant.

She owned this farm,
and Mr Mateusz is a wombat...



(Taking deep breaths)

(Window creeking)


Pommy bastard snag killer!


VOICE: (On tape) Soft,
gentle music helps you calm your mind.


- Who's this?
- That's enough, Morris.

He'll bring the curse!


This used to be his room.

What, so he stuck a fork in me?

A fork!

Oh, calm down.

It's only a flesh wound.

(Norman grunting)

You've got your mother's legs.

That's quite a big needle.


- Doesn't hurt, does it?
- No.

Oh, no no.

You should stay away
from Morris.

He called me a snag killer.

What does that mean?

A snag means sausage.

He just blames you
for the plague.

What plague?

Apparently when you were born
all the pigs just sort of died.

Morris said you cursed
the village.

But everyone knew
the real reason.

(Pigs oinking)

It was safer to send you away.

And tell everyone we were dead.

Why wouldn't she go with us?


DAISY: You ask too many
questions, Norman.

Wait there,
I'll fetch the scissors.

No need.

It's lucky he missed
my femoral artery.

Well, where's that?

Oh, it's just there.

If he'd cut it, I'd be dead
in about five minutes.

Five minutes?

Well that's not long.

But the one to really get
is the subclavian artery.

One jab there, I'd bleed out
in about five seconds.

I did it to a pig once.

Well, I didn't, my Mum did.

Other Mum.

I just watched.

I like...

I like pigs.

I should go.



(Distant dog barks)


(Birds chirping)

it feels like my brain's eating my skull.

How did you sleep?

(Indistinct chattering)

(Clears throat)

- Morris.
- Yeah.


(Morris playing Funeral March)

Ladies and...

(Continues playing)

Thanks, Morris.

Ladies and gentlemen
today is Australia Day.

- Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!
- Oi oi oi!

- Aussie, Aussie, Aussie!
- Oi oi oi!

But it's a funeral,
so sad, also.

Mary was a woman.


And she was old.

And she's dead.


Why don't we look
at some pictures of Mary

when she was alive?

Thank you, Eric.



No, that's the wrong picture.


Oh no.

No, let's pull the pin
on the pictures, thanks Eric.

Would anyone like to say
some words about Mary?

Anyone at all?

Morris, you took over her farm.

You got to know her.

What would you say about her?

Fuckin' bitch.

And may she rest in peace.

That concludes the service.

Sandwiches under the tarp.

(Bell dings)

Are you gonna say something
to put her body to rest?

Ja, of course.



♪ Australians
all let us rejoice ♪

♪ For we are young and free ♪

♪ With golden soil and wealth
for toil ♪

Do you not see anything wrong
with these people?

No, I just think
they're Australian.

♪ Our land abounds
in nature's gifts ♪

♪ Of beauty rich and rare ♪

♪ In history's page
let every stage ♪

♪ Advance Australia fair ♪




She owned everything.

And left us nothing.

I think she was under threat.

From who?

The bus leaves in 15 minutes.

I'm sure Mary is proud of you
wherever she is.


Say bye bye, pommies!



- Would you just get off me!
- Shh! Shh!

Be quiet!
Be quiet, be quiet, be quiet.

That's the man from immigration.

- He's in on it.
- In on what?

I don't know,
but I'm gonna find out.

What, are you going
to leave your teddy bear behind,

are you Normie?

His name is Mr Mateusz
and he's a wombat.

Bastard went off like a frog
in a sock

and then was off like
a bride's nightie.

Kong Dang?

My friend became angry
and then made a swift exit.

Good boy, good boy.

Oi, Morris.


Why don't you tell me
what really happened

- to my mother?
- She's cactus.


She's no longer alive.


And how did she die?

- Lost her noggin.
- Head.

Now fuck off.

Please leave.

Come on, Norman,
this is clearly point...

Wait, hang on.

Answer me this and I'll go.

Mary had white hair, yes?

Nah yeah.


Nah yeah means yes.


But I saw that the body
in the coffin had black hair.

Yeah nah.

So it couldn't have been
the same person.

Yeah nah!

Yeah nah means no.

Oh, my head hurts.

KONG DANG: Australian is
a language incredibly rich

in idiomatic expression.

Was that her in the coffin?

- Yeah nah or nah yeah?
- Yeah nah.

- Yeah nah?
- Yeah nah.

- Nah yeah?
- Nah.

Nah, nah yeah.

Yeah nah?


- I knew it.
- You knew what?

Pig murdering ankle-biting
pommy bastard arsehole!

That one is not listed.

What the hell is going on?

If we miss this bus...

She had white hair and look.

No tattoo on the wrist.

That's her.

Who gave you this?




Oh my God, you fancy
the little freckle girl?

She looks about 10.

I don't fancy anyone.

You're like Rolf Harris.

Have you no shame?

Can we stay on topic, please?

These people have done
something to our mother.

Oh, no they haven't.

Yes they have, Anna,
and I will prove it.

And how do you plan
on doing that?


It's the heat.

The heat is driving you mad.

Please stop.

You're going to anger
the locals.

Then let's anger them.



Hans must be hiding her.

We should check the pub.

No amount of money is worth
risking our lives for.

What, is that why
you came here?

For money?

Of course.

What, do you think I care about
some Australian crone

who gave me up at birth
and then pretended I was dead?

Anna, I think
she was doing it for us.

I think she was doing it
for herself.

I'm just taking a leaf
out of her book.

You said family meant
sticking together

no matter what.



NOAH: Think you're gonna
love Australia Day.

We try to cater
to everyone's tastes.

It's very inclusive.

So just through here.

Yep, mind your step.


(Music playing in distance)

ERIC: That's exactly
what I said to her.

No, I like him.

Oh, stop it.
You can be so judgemental!

I'm not having this argument
with you again.

Just be quiet
and eat your salad.




It's not what it looks like.

Did... did you do this
to my mother?



God, no.

I would never do that to Mary.

Please don't tell my Mum
about this.

Then tell me where Mary is.

My Mum says I can't.

Don't you think
I won't go straight to Apple

and tell her...

Not entirely sure what this is,
but I will tell her.

She was found trying
to leave the village

and Hans wasn't happy.



Because nobody leaves
the village.


Quickly, in here.

Come on.

Come on.

Sorry, darling.

Why are you starkers?

I was doing Pilates.

For my circulation.

Mum said tonight.

We do it tonight.

Do what?

The thing.

What's the thing?

Take control.

Just cover up your donger.

Love you!



(Bus whirring)


No smoking inside.

Well open a window, then.

(Phone dialling)

Emergency services.


Yeah, what's your location?

Two Heads Creek.

(Woman mumbling)


(Woman mumbling)


It's no use, sister girl.

It's a government operation.

Lots of money involved.

They pay the town to make
the immigrant problem disappear.

Nobody hears the screams.

You're the first one
I've ever seen come back.

NOAH: Look, we're doing the
Australia Day celebration.

If he doesn't like it,
we'll get rid of him.





(Woman screams)

ERIC: I can't believe
it's finally here!

Will she be ready
for the feast?

Ah yeah, yeah of course.


The BigBoy 3000.


Oh, made in China,

but we won't hold that
against her.



Does she turn on?


NOAH: Why don't you give her a
go, son?

Oh, can I?

Yeah, go for your life.

Oh really?


Oh, this is great!

(Pressing button)


I need to...

You need to plug it in first.

Aye, that'd be the reason.

Oh, why did you put the BigBoy
so far from the plug?

It's called Feng Shui, Eric.

NOAH: Look, the grinder's here
so we're doing the feast, right?

Well, Hans?

- We postpone.
- Oh.

On Australia Day?

We haven't cancelled
an Australia Day celebration

since the Great Famine.

ERIC: Yeah,
and what about the karaoke?

I am the Chair.

The Chair has spoken.

Yeah, but I've spent weeks
on the colour scheme.

It will still go ahead,
fear not.

I'll get rid of Norman myself.

That's what you said
when the pigs all died.

You lied to us then.

What's to say
you're telling the truth now?

Need I remind you,
little brother

that father chose me.

Yeah, and you chose democracy.

That accent's not
the only thing you brought back

from your one summer
in Dusseldorf.

The curse remains.

Our community is under threat
from outsiders.

We need strong
and decisive leadership.

What was that?

The spring roll's gone

and taking deep breaths)


Come on!

Border control, bitch!


Fuck yeah!

Hope you've had your Weet-Bix.


(Noah laughs)

ANNABELLE: And I was never
allowed to sit in the front seat.

I mean, can you imagine
what that did to my self-esteem?

Always being put second.

Always playing
a supporting role.

I mean, no wonder
I became an actress.

I mean how was I,
an innocent child

supposed to form
a positive sense of self

in a regime of systemic,

I mean emotionally manipulative,
cross-projecting abuse?

I was put in an orphanage
after the police

murdered my mother and father
in front of me

which would explain
why I couldn't get a job,

due to lack of qualifications
and skills.

I had to steal tinned food
to support my daughter,

then the government
took her away

and now I'm stuck here
doing this job

until I can get a court case
to get custody back.

Yes, exactly.

But hey, you'd do anything
for family, right?





- (Mumbling)
- Daisy.

Behind you.

(Daisy screams)

(Hans grunts)

Leave him out here to rot.

Yes, Daddy.

(Taking deep breaths)

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Shocking me right
out of my brain ♪

♪ Shocking me right
out of my brain ♪


♪ Horror movie ♪

♪ Horror movie ♪

♪ Shocking me right
out of my brain ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Shocking me right
out of my brain ♪

♪ Shocking me
right out my brain ♪

♪ It's bound to get you in ♪

♪ Get you under your skin ♪

♪ Hit you right on the chin ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ It's bound to be a thriller ♪

♪ Bound to be a chiller ♪

♪ Bound to be a killer ♪

♪ Oh yeah ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Shocking me right
out of my brain ♪

♪ You're wishing it's a movie ♪

♪ On the silver screen ♪

♪ But you're tucked up in bed ♪

♪ In a fever dream ♪

♪ But way out here ♪

♪ The house'll always win ♪

♪ There's juicy white meat ♪

♪ Underneath your skin ♪

♪ It's your arse on a plate ♪

♪ And your eyes on the side ♪

♪ We like foreign food too ♪

♪ There's no racial divide ♪

♪ Couldn't stop the boats ♪

♪ Don't you dare stop
the planes ♪

♪ Get 'em all in ♪

♪ So we can eat their brains ♪

It didn't mention this
on the visa application!

♪ Horror movie ♪

♪ Horror movie ♪

♪ Horror movie ♪



♪ Shocking me right
out of my brain ♪

♪ Shocking me right
out of my brain ♪

(Cheering and fireworks)






The BigBoy 3000's
all clogged up!


Keep your eye on the grub.

Come on!

Bye, Norman.

We should have bought a Kenwood.

That's not helpful, Eric.

Right, we need a...
let's see if we can find a...

Anyone see a right wingnut?





Hey, Jayne?

How do you spell
pasty little bitch?

(Jukebox playing)


You've let me down
you've let yourself down

and you've let
our daughter down.

Where is Jayne?



You chose family.

No, you can't choose
your family.


We need to call the police.

No, look,
it's a government operation.

Eating immigrants?

This country is fucked.

Now look, I found a car
round the front.


They've got Daisy.

There's no time.


Norman, please.



Oh, come on, let's go.

Go back.
Go back.

No, no, no,
it's too dangerous.

It's too dangerous,
it's too dangerous.

Wait, wait, look!



Tear them apart!


Car, car, car!


I have literally no idea
how to drive.

Are you joking?

Oh God!

(Engine starting)

- (Grunts)
- NOAH: Get them!


What's happening?

Come on now!

Anna, they're coming.

I know that they're coming.

I can see that they are coming.

Get it!

Follow me!

(Indistinct yelling)

Right, quick!
Chase 'em!

- Come on!
- Come on, Dad!

Come here, little piggies!

(Taking deep breaths)

I'm gonna bite off
his tiny English cock!


Anna, where are you?

You're not leaving
without your teddy.

He's a wombat.

He's a child's plaything,

So what does that make you?




Oh, what's the matter
with you people?

What's wrong with chicken?

Work with me, Norman.

And we can defeat Apple.

Defeat Apple?

You're the one trying
to kill us.

No, they tried to kill me
because I'm trying to save you.

We're not so different,
you and I.

Oh really?

HANS: Because the
last time I checked,

I haven't eaten a ragu
made of human arse!

But you really enjoyed
last night's dinner, didn't you?

You can thank your mother
for that.

You mean I ate my mother?

Ate her?

In the stew.

You said so yourself.

No, that was someone else.

It was just
your mother's recipe.

I would never eat my own wife.


I loved her with all my heart.


Ja, Norman.

I am your...

I should...


Who is she?

She's our mother.

Mama bear!

Where are you?

Come on babies.


Gabby was my best friend.

Oh, I couldn't believe it
when you answered the phone.

Oh, with such
a lovely posh voice.

You'll be safe in here.

I've been watching you both,
waiting to talk to youse.

Never mind the smell.

It's just koala piss.

After you.

Eric was supposed
to finish Hans off.

Are you okay,
my little echidna?

I told you to stay close!

Now let's not get abusive,

I think he's only trying
to be empathetic.

I'm not being abusive,
I'm being assertive.

Well, I think you're projecting.

I'm really starting to regret
giving you

that counselling DVD
for Christmas, Clive.


Hans must have kept her alive.

Fucking Germans.

If they escape,
they could blow the whole thing.

They wouldn't dare.

We've got something they want.


That's your cue to follow me,
you morons!

- Right.
- Yes, good.


(Music playing on gramophone)

Oh God.

Anna, look.

Okay, so it is lesbian, then.

Sit down.


I can't believe I'm going
to see you eat your first grub.

You first, Normie.


You're like your Dad.

He loved his grubs.


What's wrong?

I can't believe he's gone.

We met in Dusseldorf.

We got hitched and he brought me
back here to meet the relos.

Oh, he was such a good man.

He killed and ate people.

Yeah, I know, but human flesh
is so addictive,

it drives you bonkers.

It's like crack.

I disagree.

The villagers got a taste
for it after the pigs died

and they started feasting
on the deceased,

but that wasn't enough.

So you just stood by
and watched innocent people die.

Why didn't you stand up
against them?

Why didn't you fight?

Because they would have
killed Daisy.

What do you mean, Daisy?

I tried to escape with her
so many times,

but Bad Apple and her gang
brought her back.

Daisy was only allowed to live
because Hans pretended

to execute me as punishment
and they believed him.

That's why I've been
living here, alone,

for so long.

I'm sorry, but I'd already lost
two children.

I just couldn't bear to lose
another one.


That means Daisy is...

Your little sister.


Did you hear that,
Luke Skywalker?

She's your sister.

(Daisy screaming)

They've got her.



Where's the cash?

In the shed.

She was stealing from Mummy.

And now she's gonna burn
on the barbie.




These are wet.

Who wet these?

- Did you wet those?
- Sorry.

God, you're pathetic.

- Whose side are you on?
- Yours, Mummy.

Then pull down your tank top,

be a man and go
and find me fire.


Don't overdo it, Aps.

Do not undermine me in public.

Okay, there's no need
to escalate, right?

Why don't we all just try
and drop the argument ball?

How can I drop the ball?

I never even touched the ball.

He threw the ball.

Alright, I'm dropping the ball.

I'm dropping the ball.
The ball's dropped.

What are we playing?

So we're related to everyone?

Nothing worse
than extended family.


No, don't go.

It's a trap.

Come on, we have to think.



Get off me.

Oi, Morris.

That little piggy
is not for sale.



(Morris laughing)

Piggy's not for sale?

What are you,
some sort of gay superhero?

Oh, God.

Come on.

Go warm up the grinder, love.

I'm gonna eat his balls.

Step away from my brother,

Oh, fuck!

Fucking, fucking, fucking!

What the fuck!

Oh, Eric!


Stop her, boys!







Watch out!

Come here, ya vegan mole!

For fuck's sake!




Watch out!
Watch out!

Watch out!

You need more protein, love.





(Mary yelling)


- Go get your sister.
- Yeah, yeah!


This is for the pigs.




- (Mary grunts)
- No! No!

No, stay with me.

Stay with me, stay with me.

It's okay.

- It's gonna be okay.
- Get back, go on!

It's only a flesh wound.

I've had shits done more damage.

Please, I can't lose you.

I've only just found you.

Oh, Norm.

Oh, you sweetheart.

You're so proud, so determined
and just a little bit girly.

Did you know that losing
my little boy

well that did make me
the saddest mother

in the whole world.

But seeing you grow into a man
it's made me the proudest ever.



Go on.

You know what to do.

Oh, you.

Go on.

(Annabelle mumbling)

God, I love the way
you tie people up.

Only for you, Mama bear.

Why do we ever fight?

I don't know.

Let her go.

One more step
and I'll mince her.

Put your weapons down.

Did you really think
you could come back here

with your dirty blood
and destroy what we've built?

This is Australia.

Tie them up, baby.

You know what it does to me.

Let me see your hands,
you pommy prick.


Norman, I really don't think
this is the time

to discover bravery.

I've had tapeworms bigger
than those arms, mate.

(Daisy yelling)


And the pig dies in five,





Baby bear!




This ends now.

Plug her back in.

Do it!


Get in, Baby Spice.

(Machine whirring)

Let's hope
the constipation queen

doesn't clog her up.


You're not stalling this time,

I want to do it myself.

Do you think I'm an idiot?

Pass me the button.

She's my family.

If anyone's gonna do this,
it's me.

Well there's no benefit for me
in that, I'm afraid.

Then what if I ate
Annabelle instead?

- What?
- What?

What if I ate her alive?

Why would you do that?

- Because she's a bitch.
- Excuse me?

Because she's a bitch.

Oh, she's a total bitch.

- She's a parasite.
- How dare you!

We're going to die anyway,

- You're bullshitting.
- I'm not.

- You wouldn't.
- Would.

- No you wouldn't.
- He would.

- Shut up!
- No, you shut up.


I don't believe you.

What have you got to lose?

Go on, Apple.

Play with your food a little.


Try anything,
and you all die.

Norman, I hope you know
what you're doing.

Well get on with it
or I'll gut the pack of ya!



Well I guess now we know

where you get
your athleticism from.



Now, listen.

No need to do anything stupid.

I can talk about your record.

Get you a pardon.

You can see your daughter.



It's Apari.

And I'm not
your fuckin' brother.


Hey, you dirty Abo bastard!

Fuckin' foreigners!


Is anyone else hungry?



I could murder a witchetty grub.

I think we need a new diet.

Suppose I'll clean it up myself,

Fuckin' foreigners.


♪ Watched a horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Shockin' me
right out of my brain ♪

♪ Shockin' me
right out of my brain ♪

♪ Watched a horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Shockin' me
right out of my brain ♪

♪ Shockin' me
right out of my brain ♪

(Engine whirring)


Hello sir,
what can we do for you?

What's all this foreign shit?

Haven't you got any meat?

Oh, we're vegan, actually.

Fuckin' poms.

This is Australia.

I'm sure we can make
an exception for you, sir.


♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie
and it's blown a fuse ♪

♪ Horror movie,
it's the 06:30 news ♪

♪ Horror movie,
it's the 06:30 news ♪

♪ The public's waitin'
for the killin' and the hatin' ♪

♪ Switch on the station,
oh yeah ♪

♪ They do a lotta sellin' ♪

♪ Between the firin'
and the yellin' ♪

♪ And you believe in what
they're tellin', oh yeah ♪

♪ It's a horror movie
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie,
right there on my TV ♪

♪ Horror movie
and it's blown a fuse ♪

♪ Horror movie,
it's the 06:30 news ♪

♪ Horror movie,
it's the 06:30 news ♪

♪ And it's shockin' me
right outta my brain ♪