Two Guys Talkin' About Girls (1996) - full transcript

When longtime friends Joey Fortone and Lenny Kaminski get together, the race is on to get one up on the other. Their fantasies abound and their results lag far behind.

Yo, Roxy, can we get a couple
of cheesecakes over here?

You got it.

Sex, Lenny.
Sex, go ahead, say it.

- Lenny: No.
- Man: You didn't
get any, did you?

Lenny: Hey, hey, hey,
we only had three dates.

- Man: You told her
you loved her.
- Lenny: No, I didn't.

- Man: Yes, you did. Yes.
- Lenny: No, not exactly, Joe.
It's not that simple.

Joe: Sex is not something
you should try and defend
yourself against.

If it feels good, do it.

If you take
a perfectly rational guy

and dangle a beautiful girl
in front of him,

he will do anything.

He will swan dive
completely off the deep end,

sex or no sex.

Yeah, right.
Speak for yourself.

Didn't you ever try to consciously not like a girl?

And you're
going out with her

and then there's this--
this moment

where she just gives you
this smile

like, "It's okay,
go bald, get fat,

watch football
in your underwear,
I will always love you."

Even though she's probably
thinking anything but,

and it cuts right through
every one of your defenses.

A smile.
A smile just like that
and you're dead.

You're just like
this grinning idiot.

Why would I ever try
and not like a girl?

I don't know, stay in control,
keep your edge.

Hey, a girl wants you
to like her.

That's why she puts up
with you in the first place.

You like her,
she feels good about herself,

you feel good
about feeling her.

Oh, well, so much
for the platonic approach.

Hey, hey, let me
tell you something.

Plato got laid, all right?
Probably a lot.

Okay, Mr. Philosophy,

do you know who
the Greek god of wisdom was?

Where are you
going with this?

It wasn't a god.

It was a goddess.
Her name was Athena.

Yeah, and each year she'd fly
over the pumpkin patch

in a G-string
and Wonderbra

and drop little presents down to all the boys and girls.

- Give me a break, Len.
- Lenny: You have no
respect for women.

I've got respect for women.

- You've got
no respect for yourself.
- Lenny: Eh, blow me.

Hey, girls do not sit around
diners talking about guys.

They're out there,
they're on the other side of the booth in the real world.

You watch. The right girl

is gonna fall out of the sky
one of these days...

Every girl for you
is the right girl.

No, you are
overreacting here.

Let me tell you something,

next time you get hit
by one of these meteors

and you don't follow through,

I am gonna make you
do something about it.

Okay, fine, Joe.
It won't happen again.

Man's voice:
Throughout the millennia,

man has gazed
up at the heavens,

yet it wasn't until
the age of space exploration

that we learned
what a cold and desolate place

the universe really is.

The Greek philosopher Plato
said that if man

is to find his brethren
among the spheres of space,

that he had best be prepared
to make the trip alone.

Are we truly
the sole masters of our fates?

Will we ever receive
a sign from a brilliant
heavenly body?

It may take a lifetime
of effort,

but the search for intelligent life continues.

On Long Island?

You got to
start somewhere.

Please follow me.

Okay, step right up.
You're next.

[ chatter ]

Okay, move up.

You're next.

The graduate program's okay,

but they teach
straight from the books.

That's why you come here?

That's one reason.

[ owl hoots ]

Weren't you here
last week?

Me? No, no.

Yeah. Yeah,
I wanted to meet you.

I'm glad you did.

So what now?

- So, um...
- Yeah?

Is it all right
if I give you a-- a call?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- Wait, you need...
- I kinda need your number. number.



See ya.


[ engine starts ]

[ honks horn ]

- [ coin drops ]
- [ dials phone ]

[ line ringing ]

Come on.

Aw, come on.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on,
come on, come on.

Come on.

Come on, already!

- [ phone rings ]
- [ gasps ]

- Hello?
- Joe? Joe?

- Hello?
- Joe, can you hear me?


Uh, Joe, you're home.

Lenny, what's
the matter with you?

- [ woman moaning ]
- Lenny: Did I wake you up?

No, no.
I was, uh--

I was-- I was
doing aerobics.

- Aw, nuts.
- Why, what is it, buddy?

It's nothing.
It's nothing, I'm sorry.

Yeah, right,
sorry, my dimpled ass.

- What you got?
- Look, never you mind.

Look, I will call you back.
I got you at a bad time.

Yeah, it's too late
for that, Len.

What do you want?

Could we do
the Hilite?

The Hilite?
Lenny, it's a quarter after...

whatever it is.
I was trying-- I was doing
aerobics, you know?

I know.

All right.

Give me 20 minutes, okay?

- What?
- Thanks, Joe.

- Hey, I owe ya.
- Yeah, I know.

♪ One, two, three...

[ blues music playing ]

- Hey, Joe!
- [ honks horn ]

♪ I ain't got no woman...

Thanks for putting up with me.

So who is she this time, Len?

I mean, you're having sex
with somebody and I call
you up to bitch?

Not even, to make that
rant and rave about

some ineffectual,
mindless, meaningless--

What, are you
in love again?

Oh, don't I know it.

- How you doin', boys?
- Hiya, sweetie.

- Hi, Rox.
Pair of coffees.
- Gotcha.

- Make his a decaf.
- A decaf for him.

- Mm-hmm.
- Hey, that's not
just a good idea...

It's the law.

God, I love
the way she walks.

- So when I called you...
- Yeah?

...who were you
in the middle of?


- Cindy?
You gotta be kidding me.
- Yeah.

I thought she moved
back to Jersey.

No, that was
Cindy Three.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
you seeing Cindy Two again?

Cindy Four?

Oh, that's nice.
I suppose with one more,
you win a free toaster.

I hope.
Come on, Len,
what's the problem?

The problem is...
there is no problem.

No, there must be,
or else you wouldn't
have dragged me out here

in the middle
of the friggin' night.

Is that new perfume
you're wearing?

- Yeah, it is.
- That's great, I love it.

I'm telling you, Joe.
I think this girl is it.

After talking with her
for 20 minutes,

I'm tacking my last name
after her first name.

I'm beginning to imagine
what she's gonna look like

in maternity clothes,
for Christ's sakes.

Look at this.

What the hell is that?

She drew her name
and number on my hand.

Oh, that's sweet.

I know what
you're gonna say.

- Yeah.
- Don't.

"Take it easy,
don't worry about it,

one day at a time,"

What do you mean, "jeez"?
That's my advice you're

Joe, I don't want to ride
the brakes when I'm going

This girl-- oh, this girl
is so sweet, I could eat
her for lunch.

I'd give her the moon,
if I could.

[ quietly ]
Pedestal alert.


[ enunciating ]
Pedestal alert.

Pedestal? We're talking
friggin' skyscrapers here.

I feel like
I'm back in college.

Oh, no, not, uh,
what was her name?

Sharon who looked
like a fish?

No, no, no, no, no.
It was Lisa with a nose
like a penis.

- Yeah, she was cute.
- Here you go.

Hey, I'm talking here.

- Thank you, thank you.
- Thank you.

Why don't you
have some cheesecake?
You'll feel better.


- Joe, I met this girl...
- Right, right. the planetarium, you know?
You know what I'm saying here?

- How many girls go
to planetarium shows?
- I don't want to know.

I just don't want
to screw this one up.

Don't worry.
It happens all by itself.

Wow, I never even
mentioned Cindy One.

- Neither did I.
- You didn't have to.
You got the twitch.

- Oh, I got a twitch now?
- Yeah, you got a twitch.

- I ain't got no twitch.
- All right, you don't
got no twitch.

Cindy One.

So, you fuck her?

What? Who?

Rhonda who I'm fond-a.

Joe, I can't--
I can't believe you.

What did you want me to do,
right there in the planetarium?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Oh, you're right.
I'm sorry, you're right.

You're right,
you're right.

You just met her.

Did you hold her hand?

That's rich.

Please, take my heart.
Spit on it.

You want my car, too?

- No.
- You can have it.

I'm not gonna need it
after I lay my body down

in the middle of Route 347,
you freakin' slug.

Yeah, well, if all
I wanted was your car,
I woulda just taken it.

What's over there?

- What?
- 10:00.


What are you gonna
do with that?


I'm gonna get your mind
off of Rhonda.

Joe, you got no confidence
and it's-- it's sad.

Hey, how you doin'?

[ speaking quietly ]

- Roxy: Anything else?
- Man: Nah.

Cindy Four.


[ laughs ]
There? There what?

There, I got
us both dates.

- Both of us?
- Mm-hmm.

Wait a second.
I told 'em your brother
just died, okay?

- So they feel
sorry for you.
- You-- my brother?

I wasn't aware
I had a brother.

Exactly, so that way
you can't get caught,
all right?

Now drink your coffee.

Hey, don't forget
I got us that date
Sunday night.

Oh, no.
D-d-don't make me
go on this date.

What am I gonna
say to these girls?

You know anything
that comes out of my mouth
is gonna sound like a lie,

so what's gonna happen?

They'll talk to me
for a couple of minutes,

I will buy them
a lot of drinks,

I'll stand there
and squirm,

and then they'll just
move off to the next guy.

I say hi.

- Hi?
- Hi. H-I, yes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

No, you did not
just say hi.

It's what you say
when you're saying hi.

Me, I say hi and it's,
"Hi, how you doing?

No, I'm sorry,
I am bothering you.
I will go away now."

You, you say hi and it's,
"Hi, how ya doin'?

No, no,
it's okay to stare.

I'll just condescend
and grace you with
my presence. Hi."

You just need
the right attitude, Len.

Is that what it is?

- Beautiful women...
- Yeah?

...more insecure
than ugly ones.

Really? Well, then Rhonda
must be very insecure.

You need to loosen up.

How's that, Joe,

I'm serious.
You look like
you slipped a disk.

Loosen up,
use your shoulders.

- Feels good, doesn't it?
- Oh, my God, you see that?

- That's all right.
- This is phenomenal.

[ exaggerated New York accent ]
Hey, Rhonda.

Hey, it's me, Lenny.

Yeah, look at my shoulders.

- I take Visa...
- Whoo.

- ...MasterCard...
- Hey.

- ...American Express.
- Watch out.

I do mothers,

pets, small pets.

Small household


Stay away from
the jukebox, all right?

How you doin', PJ?
Good to see ya.

Come on.

♪ ...walkin' down
the street with money... ♪

Joe: What, what is it?
Why are you so quiet
all of a sudden, huh?

No, I'm not quiet.


[ yells ]
I'm not quiet!

I'm telling you,
if you mention Rhonda,

I will hit you
and it will hurt.

What? What is your problem?
I'm here, I'm having fun.

Yeah, well, I can't
have you going off about
Princess Leia, all right?

I told these girls
we'd meet 'em here.

All right, okay, okay.

It's just-- okay.

All right,
where are they?

Oh, there they go.

Look at 'em.
I'm telling you, a woman
is like an engine.

You gotta take care of it,
you gotta lubricate it,
you know what I mean?

It's just instead
of using 10W-40 stuff,

you buy 'em
a drink, you know?

Instead of just letting
them sit there and idle
in your driveway,

you know, we should
dance with them,
don't you think?

Dance with them.
Come on, man.

- Okay, let's
rotate some tires.
- All right.

What are you doing?
Come on.

Why don't you, uh,
take 'em for a test spin
and I'll, uh, spectate?

Yeah, I plan on giving
'em more than a test spin,
all right? Come on.

What are you doing?
Dance with them.

Maybe, um--
maybe I don't want to dance.

- Why not?
- Because, you know,
we just have a--

Because what?
Because they're
not hot enough?

- Because-- no.
- Huh? Because they're
not smart enough?

- I never said that.
What are you talking about?
- She looks very smart.

- Because the pedestal
ain't high enough?
- I never mentioned Rhonda.

- Ta-da! See, you want
to go see Rhonda?
- No.

- Hey, let's go see Rhonda.
- I don't think so.

That sounds like a plan.
Let's go see Rhonda.

- No, what are you--
- Excuse me.

You two,
you look great tonight.

Your mother must be so proud,
both of you, really. Great.

He's gonna have to call you
some other time, okay?

All right?
After he grows up.

Come on, Pokey,
we're outta here.

Um-- um...

Oh, nice neighborhood.

You sure
you can afford this?

[ Lenny whispering ]
Joe, I don't want to be here.

Len, I don't care.

Listen, you're gonna
be real quiet, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
You mean like
no noise, right?

[ squeaking ]

Joe, I'm not amused.

[ squeaking stops ]

Is it raining?

You're an idiot.

- All right, let's go.
- Go where?

Joe, Joe, Joe,
it's the middle
of the night.

I know.

Joe, come on.

Don't be doing this
to me.

- It's a nice place.
- It's a very nice place.

But, look, if you want
to meet her that bad,

I'll arrange a brunch
next weekend, okay?

Let me check first.

- It's cool, I wanna
check for a dog.
- Can we go now?

All right.
It's a nice place.
I like it.

Don't, Joe.


No, no, hey.

Would you relax?

- Don't--
- [ clatters ]

- Put it-- put it--
- That's smooth.


Set it down.

Could we--

- No.
- You wanted to be here.

No, I-- Joe!

You go up there,
I'm not following you.

I'm not going.
Oh, for Christ's sake.

Come on.

Hey, hey, hey!

[ dog barking ]

Come on, come on.

You're a pal,
you know that?

Come on.
You all right?

[ door opens ]

[ cocks gun ]

[ distant train
horn blowing ]


Both: Ho.

I see that
Second Amendment's
very big around here.

So's that gun.
You all right?

never been better.


All right,
let's see if this is open.

No, I don't think so.

Enough is enough.
Can we get out of here now?

- Is that her?
- Yeah, that's her.

- Redhead?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, okay, let's see
if it's true.
- No.

- Yes. Come on.
- No, no.

- Why not?
- I will slam your fingers
in this window.

- No, you won't.
- You're not going in there.

Let go, let go.

It's open.

It's open.

She's practically
begging us to come in.

She is begging.
Can you hear it?

"Lenny, Lenny."


Come on.

[ rattles ]


All right.

what do you think?

- That's her?
- That's her.


Okay, you've seen her.

You've smelled her.

I'm not gonna let
you touch her,

so can we get
out of here, please?

Hey, she likes sheep.

- Put that down.
- [ bleats ]

- Joe, no, no, no.
- [ kisses ]

Paul, cut it out.



Excuse me,
who's Paul?

Oh, she's so beautiful.

What are you doing?

What are you doing, Joe?

[ jingling ]

Hey, Len.

Hey, hey.
Put that back.

[ moans ]

Kiss me.

She wants me
to kiss her.

- Kiss me.
- Should I kiss her?

Paul, I love your tongue.

Paul again.

[ both moaning ]

[ spraying ]

[ screams ]

Oh, God.


- [ shotgun cocks ]
- Father: Rhonda?

- Can we go now?
- Go where?


You son of a bitch.

- [ seagulls squawking ]
- [ blows horn ]

You know, last time
I saw a sunrise like this,

I hurt my back.

Yeah? Doing what?

Cindy Two.

You know, the sun's
probably streaming

through Rhonda's
bedroom window right now,

just waking her up
so she can remember
how much she hates me.

Lighten up,
would ya, Len?

That's okay.
I never wanted to see her
again in my life anyway.

Yeah, yeah,
you and Paul, huh?

Hey, drop dead,
would you, please?

Look, Lenny,
she was half asleep.

She won't even remember
anything ever happened.

All I know is
when she was kissing me,
she seemed wide awake.

Right, so when
you talk to her--

Oh, it ain't
gonna happen, Joe.

No, look, Len,
when you talk to her
and she mentions anything,

you know,
deny it.

- Right.
- You repeat it
back to her, you see.

She says, uh-- "No, honey,
I was in your bedroom
Sunday night?

No, I would've loved
to have been in your
bedroom Sunday night.

But, see, we've only
had one date.

I was kinda hoping
to save that for
the second date."

See? See how it works?

Sounds so stupid,
she'll never believe it.

Drop it, okay?

- She had nice tits.
Two of 'em.
- Joe.

Look, I appreciate the advice.
Really, I do.

They're jewels,
pearls of wisdom.

But it's late--
make that early--
and I gotta go to work.

Some of us do work,
you know.

[ scoffs ]
Yeah, right, Len,
like you're going to work.

- Work, Joe,
you ever heard of it?
- Yeah.

It goes something like this--
yesterday was Sunday.

That makes today...

- Monday.
- That's very good.

Oh, man, it's 6:15
in the morning, Joe.

Gives me just
enough time to fly home

so I can fly to work,
push papers like
a frickin' zombie

trying to land
this stupid account.

That's right,
it's a stupid account.

What do you expect
me to do, Joe?

- Call in sick.
- I don't think so.
No, no, no.

- That may work for you.
It ain't gonna work for me.
- All the time.

Well, you can't
go in on no sleep.

Oh, come on, Len,
when's the last time
you called in sick?

- I don't know.
- Exactly.

See, you're way past due.

Joe, the office
ain't even open yet.

I know.
That's why you're gonna
call your boss at home.

I don't think--
I don't even like
talking to her at work.

Come on, you told me
her number spelled out
something like K-K-K-NAZI.

Don't do this to me.
Come on, put the--

Hello, Edith?
Please hold for
Lenny Kaminski.

Viral encephalitis, okay?

Makes you
sound like shit.

Oh! God!

[ groaning ]


Yeah, it's me,

Listen, I'm sorry
to call you so-- I do?

Well, yeah,
I'm told I have...

- [ whispers ]
Viral encephalitis.
- ...viral encephalitis.

I-- I don't know.
I think I got it when
I was knitting.

- Fishing.
- Fishing.


[ groans ]



You, too.


- What'd she say?
- She gave me a bonus.

- She gave you a bonus?
- Yeah.

- You're buying breakfast.
- Okay.

- Hey, hey.
- Hey, what?

You just kneed me
in the balls.

- So?
- So?!

- It hurt.
- Hey, so does
viral encephalitis.

- You were great, man.
- Thank you.

Don't thank me, man.
Thank the Academy.

That was a brilliant

- Joe?
- Yeah?

- Blow me.
- Okay.

[ engine starts ]

[ tires squeal ]

[ doorbell dings ]

- Looks like a diner.
- Smells like a diner.

Okay, you
calm now, Pokey?

Yeah, I'm calm,
I'm calm.

I feel like a ballet
dancer, but I'm calm.

Don't call me Pokey.
I hate that name, Pokey.

- May I help you?
- Well, may you ever.

Oh, may I puke?

Will that be two?

- Two what?
- Two people.

Oh, yeah.
Unless you're joining us.

[ laughs ]

- Follow me.
- Okay.

- All right.
- All right.


Um, do you have--
do you have any more gum?

No, I'm-- I'm sorry,
this is my last piece.

Oh, okay.
That's all right.

I haven't seen you
here before, have I?

- No. Is this it?
- Yeah.

See, you couldn't have
because I woulda asked
you out on sight.

[ laughs ]


I'll be right back
to take your order.

Okay, thank you.

God, I love
the way she walks.

What's with you?
She's 16.

I'm giving her practice
for when she gets older.

I mean, I love 'em
when they're that age.

She's got no pores.

She's got
no driver's license.

- Would you take it easy?
- I'm sorry.

I just feel like
I should be at work.

Well, I feel
like I should give you
viral encephalitis.

- Pair of coffees?
- Yeah, make his a decaf.

- Decaf for him.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, I know.

- It's not just
a good idea...
- It's the law.

- I think I'm in love.
- I think I'm in hell.

How did you know about
"It's the law"?

I don't know.

Well, look at him.

You give him regular coffee,
I'd have to get a spatula

to scrape him
off the ceiling.

He looks like
he's playing hooky
or something.

Yeah, I'm Joey.

You sure are.
I'm Angel.

Hi, Angel.
This is my friend Lenny.

He's-- he's not really
playing hooky, are you, Pokey?

No, no, see, I came down
with a case of viral syphilis
this morning

- so I called in sick.
- Oh, yeah? You look it.

- Pokey. [ laughs ]
- You like that?

What are you having?

I want six eggs,
scrambled, please.


- How are your pancakes?
- Good.

- Okay, I'll have those.
- Okay.

- And, miss?
- Yeah?

- Don't call me Pokey.
- Okay.

Oh, gosh.

I got those.

I like her.

These are the worst pancakes
I've ever had in my life.

Look at these eggs,

They're light,
they're fluffy,
they're like clouds.

Look at that.

- Jesus, Joe.
- What?

I coulda had perfection
with Rhonda.

Instead I had
to go screw it up worse
than these pancakes.

Don't worry about it, okay?
Your pancakes are fine.

And you ain't gonna look back
on Rhonda with any regret.

And if you start
to mention Cindy One again,

you're paying the tip.

Hey, hey, hey,
you are the one
who brought her up.

That's because I can.
You see, I'm over her.

Oh, I see.
Nothing scares you.

You have no fear
of rejection.

Look, Len, if you don't
think about getting scared,

there's nothing
to be scared about,
you know?

Hey, how you doing?
All right.

- You know, I mean,
if you're so worried...
- Joe.

- ...about how some woman
is gonna say, "No, Lenny"--
- Joe, Joe.

- What?
- You actually know
somebody out here?

Mm-hmm. Friend of yours
is sitting right over there.


Oh, that's nice.
I needed a shower.

- Oh, God, oh, God.
- That was good.

- I think she saw me.
- You want me to ask her?
I'll call her over here.

- Hey, Rhonda!
- [ blowing raspberry ]

Now I'm at the circus
with the elephant.

- Shh.
- What are you--

[ both shushing ]

She definitely saw me.
I'm thinking she saw me.
Do you think she saw me?

I think
you're overreacting.

I mean, you should just relax,
go on over, say hello to her.

Look, now she's sitting
with her grandmother.

Kiss her on the cheek.
They love that.

I don't think I'll be
kissing her grandma, Joey.

I'm not wearing
my riot gear.

You're forgetting
everything I told you.

Now you be calm,
you play it straight, okay?

She won't even
believe it herself.

- Now go. Go.
- No. No.

You got about five seconds
before this blows up
in your face.

Five, four,
three, two, one.

- You're not gonna go?
- No.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

Okay, stay right here.
That's good.

These eggs, boy,
they're going right
through me, Len.

I gotta stretch
a little bit.

What are you gonna
do to me, Joey?

- Don't be embarrassed.
- Please, Joey, I'll give
you my car!

Hey, I think it is her.
Is your name Rhonda?

You can have my stereo,
I'll throw in my golf clubs.

You can have my VCR.
It doesn't record too well
on the slow speed,

but you're good with it,
so five minutes is all
it'll take.

- I'm pretty
sure it's her, Lenny.
- You can fix it!

Shh, here she comes.

Hi, do I know you?

No, I don't think so.

Uh, I think
you know my friend.


- Father: Remember
this place, Ma?
- Grandmother: Uh-huh.


I thought
that was you.

Yeah, it was me.


What are you doing
here in Massapequa?

Don't you
have to work today?

Yeah, yeah, we were
just having breakfast.


Why don't you join us?

Good, yes.
The food is good.

Why doesn't--
she should join us, Lenny.

You gonna introduce me?

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Rhonda, this is my friend Joey.

- Joey, Rhonda.
- Hi, Joey.

- How are you?
Good to see you.
- Joey, nice to meet you.

Um, I'm here
with my parents.

Yeah, um, my grandmother's
in town.

She doesn't really
do too well in diners.

Why don't you have 'em
come over and sit with us?

- Lenny.
- Yeah, why not?

How you doin'?
The pancakes here
are top-notch.


Well, um...

let me see if they mind
if I sit with you.


- I'll be right back.
- All right.

How do you like that?
She doesn't suspect
a thing.

- You were right.
- I'm always right.

I mean, is this
phenomenal or what?

Now I can just--
no, I cannot.

- What?
- I cannot go through
with this.

- I mean, I'd be lying.
I got to tell her.
- You can't be serious.

I got to live
with myself, Joe.

And I got to
live with you.

I mean, this ain't
your frickin' wife we're
talking about here, okay?

This isn't the right time
for you to have

some kind of a crisis
of conscience, all right?

All I'm saying is she might
appreciate it, you know?

I mean, look how nice
she's acting now.

Sure, look
and cherish it, okay?
'Cause it ain't gonna last.

Just because it didn't last
for you doesn't mean it
won't last for me.

And, okay,
I got the tip.

Yeah, that's right.

Okay, now, be cool.
You're doing great.

She's on her way back
already, look.

- Oh, I think you
got a problem.
- What's that?

Isn't that your boss
coming in right behind her?

I got it all covered.

What the hell?

Pokey, Pokey, Pokey.



So, I guess
that's a yes
on the breakfast?

- Sure.
- Good.

Edith: It's a good thing
he doesn't work for me,
I'll tell ya that.

Don't you
have to work today?

- No.
- Joe: Yeah.

- I have off.
- He's working late shift.

Into the late shift
and then I'm gonna go in.

Oh, I thought you work
for a consulting firm.

It's tax season.

No, it isn't.

Isn't it?

Corporate tax season.

- Corporate.
- Fiscal... quarter.

Fiscal corporate.

Fiscal corporate tax.


Four times a year.

- Oh.
- Sure.

[ sighs ]

- Are you okay?
- Sure, yeah.

Why, you good?

- I don't know, nothin'.
- All right.

- Lenny?
- Yeah?

Where were you
last night?

Rhonda, you know,
you're probably pretty
hungry, I bet.

Angel, honey, you wanna
help us out a little bit
over here?

Are you hungry?
You know what's
good here? Eggs.

- They're fluffy,
like, uh--
- Clouds.

- Clouds, yeah.
- Lenny.

- Yeah?
- Where were you
last night?

Why do you ask?


you know, everyone
thinks that I'm crazy.

Nobody thinks
that you're crazy.
We're crazy.

You're a nice guy.

But where were you
last night?

- I got to tell her.
- Lenny, Lenny.

Tell me what?

Joey, she oughta know.

I oughta know what?

Last night...

I was with you.

In his thoughts.
He was thinking
about you all night.

All the way down
in Setauket.

- What?
- Really?

- Joey.
- Lenny.

- Jesus.
- So why does everybody
think you're crazy?

Oh, I don't know.

I thought I...

oh, you know, now
I don't even believe it.

Oh, Rh-Rhonda,
don't cry.

- Don't cry.
- No, no, no.

Even Paul
doesn't believe me.

- Who's Paul?
- Yeah?

My cocker spaniel.

Both: Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Rhonda, don't--
don't-- shh,
don't cry, shh.

- [ whispers ]
Joey, give me a tissue.
- [ sobbing ]

- Here. Here you go.
- Okay.

Uh... here.





Oh, hey.

Looks like you're not
the only one who called
in sick today.

- Who called in sick?
- I-- I did.

You did?

Oh, wait,
but I thought that--

Angel, honey, could you
get our friend some coffee?

And maybe some tissues
would be nice.

Yeah, sure.
Whatever you want.

Joe: Okay.

Hey, Lenny,
how does your friend
take her coffee?


Oh, man, I hate
to do this to ya.

Do what?
No, not the--

[ groaning ]

- Lenny, are you okay?
- He's okay.

Come on, Pokey,
it's time for your pill.

- Pokey?
- Pill?

Yeah, Rhonda, honey,
you wanna help me out here?

- Yeah.
- Just squeeze his cheeks.

Pops them right open
like a frog, all right?

- Go ahead.
Come on, open it.
- No.

- There you go, there you go.
- Lenny, what are you
doing here?

- Ah.
- [ gags ]

- I told him to stay home.
- Help me.

You're his boss, right?

We met once.
Joey Fortone.

[ Lenny gagging ]

Lenny, are you saying
that you actually tried
to make the meeting today?

Help me, help me,
help me.

- [ thuds ]
- [ groans ] You fuck.


- Fu--
- You mean someone
phoned you?

Someone sent you a fax?

- I think what Lenny means--
- Did I ask you?

- No.
- Then don't answer.

- Okay.
- What are you
saying, Lenny?

That you found out
where the meeting was
and you did all of this

after you were diagnosed
with viral hepatitis?

He didn't really
say that.

Excuse me,
he might as well have.

- You're right.
- Thank you.

Will you get up, please?
Thank you very much.

- [ groaning ]
- Lenny, look at me.

Did you put this meeting
before your own health?

- Yes.
- Oh, Lenny.

- Oh, Edith.
- You are a team player.

- I know.
- Wait a minute.

I thought that
you called in sick.
What is going on here?

You're right.
Angel, you're right.
I did call in sick.

I mean, look at this guy.
I couldn't leave this guy alone

- on a day like this.
- Don't-- [ groans ]

I stayed up with him
all last night.

He was delirious.

I don't know,
all he talked about
all night was you.


Come on, Lenny.
I gotta get you
outta here.

- Come on, come on.
- No, don't.

- Come on, come on.
- No. No.

- Here we go. Come on,
I gotta get you--
- No, no.

Come on.
Here you go.

- Come on, here we go.
- Oh, God.

Angel, how much
I owe you?

Oh, no, no, no.
It's on the house.

Here's my number.
Call me.

- Okay.
- Let me know
how he's doing.

Yeah, he'll call you,
he'll call you,
I'll call you.

- Okay.
- Okay.

- [ groans ]
- I can't believe you.

Shut up,
you're doing great.

I wanted to have kids,
you son of a bitch.

Thank you,

[ groaning ]

♪ Cisco Kid
was a friend of mine... ♪

We made out okay.

Oh, we did?

I don't think I've been
this humiliated

since I threw up
on Tia Lockland
at our senior prom.

I didn't know
you drank that much.

- It was on a boat, Joe.
- Oh.

Hey, we got
free breakfast.

She had on a white dress.

I got Angel's
phone number.

It was her grandmother's.

- You got a bonus.
- Little pink flowers on it.

Rhonda digs you.

- Yeah, you think?
- Yeah, I think so, really.

Now, I'm not a psychiatrist,

but that shit with
the cocker spaniel, weird.

I'm telling you.
I mean...

is a cocker spaniel.

Paul is a cocker
spaniel, yes.

- Hey.
- Yeah?

What was that pill
that you gave me?

[ chuckles ]

- A marble?
- Yeah.

You gave me a marble?

You got a bonus.

To eat?
You eat this one.

Eat it.
Eat it!

[ birds chirping ]

Oh, I want to pass out,
I want to die.

Yeah, well, do it
in your own apartment.

Oh, I forgot
I was on sacred ground.
I'll take my shoes off.

Thank you.

Hey, you straightened up.

Your maid come today?

Hey, not bad, huh?

Okay, I'm gonna
take a shower.

You can borrow
some of my clothes.

You got anything clean?

- What do you think?
- [ clangs ]


[ groans ]
Oh, boy.

[ shower running ]

Yeah, Joe,
you're over her.

[ dialing ]

[ line rings ]

Rhonda's voice:
Hi, this is Rhonda.
Please leave a message.

Rhonda, hi.
Rhonda, hi.

- [ line beeps ]
- Rhonda, hi,
it's me, Lenny.

How you doin'?

I was-- I was just
thinking about you,

so I thought I'd call.

I hope that's okay.

Yeah, yeah,
so I thought I'd just use up

a little more tape
on your machine.

But what's new?

That much, huh?

Well, I must sound
like an idiot.

So what else is new?

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, nothing real new
to report on this end either,

so I was just calling
to say hello

and hope we could
get together soon.

All right?



Give me a friggin' break.


What, you got the lamest
girl phone voice I ever heard.

No, that is a good
girl phone voice.

At least I don't
crank up the bass
like you do.

[ low voice ]
Hi, babe.

Michael Bolton
opened up the set,

but we'll be
back with some more
fabulous love songs

right after this.

[ normal voice ]
Was this another marble?

Take a nap.

We got a 12:00
tee-off time.

[ spits ]

Hi, Rhonda,
this is Lenny.

I was just thinkin'
about you and, you know,
I was-- I was jerkin' off.

Oh, gosh,
I hope that's okay.

[ golf club whooshes ]

This is the last hole.

We've been playing
for eight hours.

Have you made a par yet?

No, that's 'cause
you're keeping score.

Hey, whatever happened
to Melinda Shore?

Oh, thank you
for reminding me.

Worst blind date
I ever had.

Go to pick her up
at her parents' house,

all these relatives
waiting there.

It's like
"Night of 1,000 Jews."

I'm trying to remember
prayers from my bar mitzvah

just so I can fit in
with these people,

so I could have
something to say,

and I'm thinking
to myself, "What the hell
am I doing here?"

When all of a sudden,
there she is at the top
of the staircase,

Scarlet O'Haraberg,
weighing in at a svelte


It was a perfectly good
night of my life

I'll never have back again.

What about you?

- Don't do blind dates.
- Oh, yeah.

Shoulda known.

You did her,
though, right?

Oh, nope.

Nobody went
down by the shore.
She was a virgin.

[ sighs ]
Not after rush week.

- Hey.
- Hmm?

Remember that Paul Simon
concert in Central Park?


There was
500,000 people there.

A half a million people.

Do you remember what
I said to you that night?

I said,
"Joe, look at that crowd

because somewhere
in that crowd are our wives."

I remember that.

I still believe that.

What, did Rhonda
tell you she was there?

Cindy One was.

Well, so much
for your theory.

I don't know.
Maybe just wasn't
the right time.

Oh, you're dancing.

You're dancing.

I don't know
if you can hear
the music,

but you're dancing,

Let's go home.

That was
a wonderful day.

Yes, it was.
I'm proud of you.

You finally
played hooky.

- Wonderful dinner.
- Yeah.

- Was it as good
as the marble?
- Better.


You are
a wonderful date.

Thank you.

- Don't think you're
getting any off of me.
- No.

Let's get the hell
outta here.


- No?
- Mm-mm.

Come on, it's 9:55.
It's Monday.


So, ladies drink free
after 10:00.

[ music playing ]

Lenny, come on.
I got you a beer.

♪ Honey, honey,
me and you ♪

♪ And do the things...

Come here,
I got you a beer.

Is this great or what?

It's delightful.

Look, Joe, I don't want to
rain on your parade or nothin',

but I come to this place,
I'm looking at girls

who look like they
don't want to be here.

Girls who look like
they were dragged here
by their friend.

- Oh, yeah,
kinda like you.
- Kinda like me.

- So I take the dragger,
you take the draggee.
- Great.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
I'll be right with you.

- Hi, hi.
- Hey, what's happening?

- How's it goin'?
- Me Tarzan.

He kinda gets like that
after he's had a tough day.

Have you had
a tough day?

- It's gettin' better.
- Ain't it?

- Yeah. I'm Joey.
- Woman: Hi.

Hi, this is my friend Lenny.
Say hi, Pokey.

Don't call me Pokey.
Hi, how are you?

Hi, how are you?

- So, what's your name?
- Cindy.

- Cindy?
- Toaster time.

- What?
- Nothing.

- Oh.
- So, Cindy.

- Yeah?
- You here by yourself
or what?

Yeah, yeah, I am.

Oh, well, I'm here
with my friend Tracy.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

So call her over.

No, I don't think so.

Why not?

What, is she a pig?

No, she didn't want
to come here tonight.

She don't like
places like this.

- You're kidding.
- No.

- Why not?
- She thinks this place
is a meat market.

- Can you believe that?
- Can you believe that?

- Yeah.
- I can't--
that's incredible.

- Go figure.
- It's like Ripley's.

- Yeah.
- So where is she?
Call her over.

Oh, she's
right over there.
All right.

- Yo, Tracy!
- Oh, Jesus.

- Get your ass over here.
- Very genteel.

Oh, she looks
like a librarian.

Hey, Tracy.
This is my friend Lenny.
Say hi.

So, look, we were
thinking about leaving.

- You wanna come along?
- Cindy Five: Sure,
where you going?

Yeah, where
are we goin', Joe?

We were gonna go over
to, uh, Lenny's place.

It's a lot quieter.

No, I don't think
that was part of
the itinerary.

- Joe.
- We always usually
go back to Lenny's place

after we hang out...

You usually
are full of crap, Joe.

- We're not-- Joe.
- Oh, I'll bet it is.

Jesus, Joe.

- So you wanna go?
- Yeah.

- Okay, let's go.
Come on, Pokey.
- Okay.

Don't call me--

♪ Get down, get down,
get down, get down... ♪

Oh, look, I'm sorry
about the mess.

Mm, nice place.


- Len, you got any beer?
- Yeah, help yourself.

So, Lenny's got a water bed.
You wanna see it?

- Yeah, I do.
- All right, come on.

- All right.
- Right in here.

- Joe, Joe,
don't go in there.
- Ooh.

- Okay, sure.
- Just stick and move, okay?

Well, looks like we got
about 15 minutes to kill.

that's my buddy Joe.
He's quite a guy, huh?

[ quietly ]

Cindy seems like
a nice girl.

She is.

You guys been friends
for a long time?


You want something to eat?

No, no.

You sure?
It's not a problem.

[ sighs ]

Two of you
hang out a lot?

You're kinda quiet,
you know that?

You want to sit down?

- Yeah, okay.
- Make yourself at home?
All right.

[ jazz playing on stereo ]

[ tapping ]

Uh, it's music.

[ snaps fingers ]


[ sighs ]

Cindy said you
didn't want to go out
to a bar tonight.

No, I didn't.

So what did you
want to do tonight?

I just thought
I'd like to stay home...

and fuck.

You heard me.

- [ knocks ]
- Joe, you wanna
hurry up in there?

Listen, is this music okay?
'Cause I have a lot
of other things--

What are you doing?

Listen, come over here
for a second.

I want to talk to you.

Shh, shh, I'm sorry.
Come here.


I think you're cute.

I'm glad for you.

And you never said
you were a weight lifter.

A weight lif-- oh, this--
this is not even my shirt.

- Yeah?
- I borrowed it from Joe.

Yeah, well, you don't
have to be so modest.

Let me get you
something to drink, okay?

I want to get me

Don't go anywhere.
I'd miss you.

[ glass shatters ]

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
I think Joey's coming.

[ Cindy laughs ]

Not yet.

Who are you?

Look, do you think
we could just have some

meaningless conversation

Oh, Jesus.
You're gonna kill me.

Yeah, but they're gonna
bury you with a smile.

[ tapping ]

Wait a minute.
What is this?

- What?
- [ taps ]

[ laughs ]

Is this a cup?
You're wearing a cup?

No, it's--
okay, it's a cup.

- I don't believe this.
- I was playing hockey today.

I gotta see this.


[ groans ]

[ gasping ]

Okay, all right.


- [ Tracy moaning ]
- Oh, God.

All right, burnt toast,
dead car batteries,


Mattingly's on first,
Kelly's on--


♪ Oh, say, can you see?

♪ By the dawn's
early light... ♪

What, you going
off the air?

♪ What so proudly
we hail... ♪

I'm just trying
to keep control.

Oh, you're
doing that Tao thing?
I read about that.

- ♪ At the twilight's
last gleaming... ♪
- [ phone ringing ]

- [ moaning ]
- ♪ Whose broad stripes
and bright stars... ♪

Lenny's voice:
Hey, this is Lenny.

I'm sorry I can't
come to the phone right now,

but I tell you what,
if you leave a message,

I'll call you back.
I promise.

[ line beeps ]

Rhonda's voice:
Hey, Lenny, you home?

- Are you there?
- Get off me.

- Pick up, it's me, Rhonda.
- Get off me.

- Party's over,
- Oh!

Nope? Um, okay, well,
I hope you're okay.

I know you're sick.

So you should be home.

- Um, well, I tried
calling you earlier...
- I'm here.

...but I kept
getting your machine,
and generally I hate

to answering machines,

but I don't know when
you're gonna get home.

Get off me, honey.

Okay, just give me a call.

[ groans ]

are you still there?

Rhonda on phone:
Lenny, is that you?


Did you-- did you really
try calling me?

Yeah, Lenny,
I got your message.

- It was sweet.
- Who the hell is Rhonda?

- Who's that?
- Nobody. It's nobody.

- Who is this?
- This is Rhonda,
who's this?

Are you doing Lenny?


Huh? Hello?

She hung up.



[ dialing ]

[ busy signal ]


Thank you.

Thank me?
What did I do?

What did you do?
I don't know.

You come here and invade
the sanctity of my home.

You act like
some sweet librarian,

you say maybe two words
to me all night,

you attack me without
any provocation whatsoever,

and just when
I get a phone call
from the one person

who has deemed
never to call me
in this century,

you leap out of your way
and screw it up beyond any
hope of reparation.

That's what.

Don't mess up my house.

- What happened?
- Did I hear singing?

Cin, you look like
a yogurt, okay?

Where's Lenny?

I don't know.
Some girl called.




[ laughing ]


[ engine sputtering ]

I don't believe this.

[ engine dies ]

[ honks horn ]

I need this...

like a goddamn
hole in my head!

I need this a lot.


Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey! Hey!



Thank you.

Hope you crash and die.

Look at this
Loch Ness Monster.

- What?
- It's scary.

- He's ugly.
- Put out the cigarettes,

I love this large curd.

- Yeah? Let me have a bite.
- Mm-mm. All right.

You ever see Paul Simon
in concert?

Both: What?

Never mind.

Gimme it.

I like
the small curd better.



Oh, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

I was, um--
I was hoping you could
take me to Massapequa.

- Massapequa?
- Yeah.

[ laughs ]
Lot of violence
in Massapequa.


I, um-- I thought Massapequa
was kind of a safe town.

Not for hitchhikers.

You know, I don't--
I don't really need
to go to Massapequa.

- Actually--
- You haven't been
following the news,

have you, son?


Yeah, people are saying
there's some kind of psycho

driving the highways
around here just looking
for hitchhikers...

to take down
and do 'em.
You know.

[ chuckles ]
Do 'em?

I once saw a young kid
about your age,

had his whole damn trachea
cut out with a fishing knife.

[ chuckles ]
Oh, God, what
a mess that was.

You ever gut a deer?

No, I don't
suppose you have.

You look like
a city boy to me.

I tell ya, that thing
was hanging down the front
of his shirt there

and it's all bloody
and everything,

looked just like
a piece of ziti.

Piece of ziti?

Yeah, you know.
Baked ziti.

Now, look,
you redneck,

son of a bitch,
you don't scare me!

- Rude little
bastard, aren't ya?
- I've been walking this highway

for four and a half hours.

I have been kicked
in my groin

at least a half a dozen
different times.

I think the girl of my dreams
has been French-kissing a dog

and I ate a marble!

Now please pull
your piece-of-shit car

over to the side
of the road

before I rip out
your trachea

and we get to see what
kind of food it looks like!

Didn't your mother teach you
not to talk to strangers?

I didn't have a mother!

You have yourself--
oh, my God.

[ panting ]

Oh, my God.

- See you later.
- Thank you.

[ exhales sharply ]

[ dog barking ]

- [ tapping on window ]
- Rhonda?

[ quietly ]

Rhonda, it's Lenny.

I wanted to say
that I'm sorry about
what happened tonight.

- You came back.
- Yeah, I had to apologize.

- [ gasps ] Oh, my God.
- Maxwell. Oh, Maxwell.

- [ kisses ]
- I got the wrong room,
lady, I'm sorry.

- They said you were gone.
- I'm sorry, don't have
a heart attack.

They said you were gone.
They said you were never
coming back.

Don't have a heart--
I'm not back.

Oh, please, please,
tell me everything.

- I've waited so long.
- Shh, shh, shh.

Oh, oh, shh, I see.

- It's a secret.
- Yeah.

How did you escape?

How did I escape?

How did you get out
of Iwo Jima?

- Iwo Jima?
- Tell me everything, please.

- Oh, I've waited so long.
- Please, please-- shh.

- How did you escape?
- Shh, shh, shh, please.

It was horrible.
It was horrible.

I was surrounded
by the enemy,

and then luckily
I found this window

- and real carefully, I--
- [ cocks shotgun ]

- Oh, oh, oh!
- It's the enemy.
Hide me.

Oh, oh, here, here.
Hide in here.

- Hurry.
- Father: Mom?

Did I hear voices?

- [ whines, sniffing ]
- No.

Damn, what's happened
to this neighborhood?

Used to mean something--

- Clean streets,
good schools...
- [ window shuts ]

- Damn good football team.
- [ whispers ] Go away.

Are you talking
in your sleep again?


So, who were you
talking to?

Was it Willard Scott?
Or maybe the bumble queen.

It's Maxwell.
He's come back.

How is Dad?

- He's fine.
- Yeah.

- I'm hiding him
from the enemy.
- No.

I see.

[ sniffing, whining ]

Oh! Oh!

And is the enemy


Would you like me
to kill 'em for ya, Ma?

- [ gasps ]
- [ imitates gasp ]

You all right?

I'm fine, Lester.


[ whimpering ]

Get off of me.

You better get some sleep.
I need some, too.

Wait a minute.



Come on, Paulie.
You're not gonna sleep
with Grandma tonight.

Can't I keep the dog?

Ma, he'll keep
you awake all night.

- Now go to sleep.
- All right.

- Good night.
- Nighty-night.

[ door closes ]

Are you okay?

I think I'm gonna
have puppies.

Man on radio:
Morning from Long Island's
best rock, WBAB...

Get up.

Man on radio:
Long Island's own Zebra
and Zeppelin, too.

Your BAB...

I said get up.
Rise and shine.

Oh, and good morning
to you, too.

Morning, my ass.

What the hell
is wrong with you?

What-- where'd
you go last night?

I tried to see Rhonda.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- What'd she say?
- I don't know.

But I finally met Paul.
You wanna smell him?

No, no, that's great.

Hey, you want a bagel?

I don't want a bagel.

No, I got bagels for you.

Now, look,
I'm impressed.

You mean, you tried to go
see Rhonda last night

even after I set you up
with that librarian?

You know?

Lenny, you ain't never done
anything like that before, man.

So, uh, why'd you come
here to look for me instead
of going to your place?

You were with a girl
last night.

Why would you ever stay?

Ooh, that hurt.

[ knock on door ]

Come on in, it's open!

Cindy, how you doin'?

This is--
this is my buddy Lenny.

- Lenny, Cindy.
- Hello.

- You want a bagel?
- Where were you last night?

I was working late, why?

Because you said
you'd call.

No, I said I'd call,
you know, if I wasn't
working late.

Cindy Four:
That's not what you said.

You said you'd call me,
so I sat home all night

waiting for you to call
and you didn't call.

That's because
I was workin'.

That's not what
Liz Campanella says.

She said she saw you out
with some girl last night.

Cindy, don't pay any
attention to what Liz
Campanella says, all right?

Cindy Four:
Well, I'm paying
attention, Joey.

I'm paying
lots of attention.

I care about you.

I just want
to make you happy.

You did.

I am not...

some cheap toy
for you to play
with, Joey.

Don't you care about me?

Can we talk about
this later, please?

No, I want to
talk about it now.


look, we spent
some time together,
all right?

I mean, we saw the stars,
the moon, the fireworks.

And now the sun's come up
and it's another day.

So just relax,
all right?

You're such an asshole.

I gotta get to work.

What, you don't want--
you don't want your bagel?

[ cartoons playing
on television ]

Oh, my God.

Oh, thank you, Joe.

Sorry, I used
all the hot water.

Hey, Len, I thought
you were sick.


Hey, Lenny.
Welcome back, man.

Thank you.

- Missed you.
- Thanks.

Welcome back.

Thanks, I'm feeling...
a lot better.

[ chuckles ]

- [ intercom beeps ]
- Edith: Lenny, you in there?

Yes, Edith.

I just wrapped up
with the new client's rep.

I'm gonna send her in to you
to sign the papers.

All right.

And congratulations.
We got the deal.

- Thanks.
- [ intercom beeps ]


- Cindy One.
- Huh?

Cindy, one... person
I never expected
to see here.

How are you?
Come in.

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah,
yeah, I'm fine.
I just...




- How long has it--
- It's been a long time.

Look at you.
You look... great.

I've been working, Lenny.

Does he know
you're in town?


- How long you here for?
- Till tomorrow.

I just came in
to take care of this.

- Tomorrow.
- 2:00 plane.

That's too bad.

That-- that barely gives
you any time to catch up.

It's been a long time.

I-- I don't even know
if I want to catch up.

What are you doing
later tonight?

No, no, hear me out.
How about we all
get together,

we'll go to the Hilite
for a coffee?

- I don't know.
- It'll be fun.

- I'll pay.
- [ laughs ]

- [ doorbell rings ]
- [ dog barking ]



I thought
you were sick.

I thought I was, too,

but I'm better now.

[ dog growling, barking ]

I got to ask you
a question.


What happened last night
when I called you?

Oh, that was some girl
that Joe goes out with.


You know, a lot of people
have worthwhile causes--

save the seals,
save the rain forest.

Joe likes to
save the nymphos.

So when I called,
that girl was with Joey.

Yeah, yeah, I tried
calling you back,

but your line
was all busy.

Well, I was trying
to call you.

- You see?
- But when I got through,
you weren't there.

Well, yeah,
I was trying
to come here.


I wanted to see you.

- You did?
- Yeah.

Hey, what are you
doing tonight?

What do you
got in mind?

I'm trying to fix Joe up
with this really great girl.

- Like a blind date?
- You could call it that.

[ phone ringing ]

- Hello?
- Lenny: Hey.

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

I'm, uh,
fixing the sink.

Didn't you
have to work today?

Half day.

You know, I--
my beeper's broken.

I gotta get a new one.

So what's up?

- I need your help.
- What's the problem?

Well, um, I'm getting together
with Rhonda tonight.

Oh, get out.

Well, what do you--
what do you need
my help for?

I'm a little nervous,
you know?

I was just thinking
maybe if you drop by

just at the beginning,

sorta smooth things out
for me, huh?

Okay, all right,
where you meeting her?

- Where do you think?
- [ laughs ]

- 8:00?
- Sounds good.

[ lawn mower whirring ]

He ain't gettin' any.

[ music playing
on loudspeakers ]

You know, these two
friends of mine,

they met on a blind date
just like this.

Well, this is
a little different.

Well, the fundamentals
are the same

if they're counterparts
to each other.

Like, if he's
a Sagittarius
and she's a Pisces,

they're just
gonna line up.

So you're into
astrology as well?

Yeah, astronomy,

They're really
the same thing.


Yeah, one guides the world,
the other guides what's in it.

You weren't at that
Paul Simon concert
in Central Park

a couple years back,
were you?

No. No, I hate
Paul Simon.


- Hey, Len.
- Hey, Joey.
You remember Rhonda.

- Hi, how you doin'?
Good to see you.
- Hey.

- You got a second?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, come here.
- Excuse me.

Hey, look,
I know you wanted me
to drop by for a few,

but I didn't want to be
a third wheel, you know?

Aw, come on,
don't be stupid.

And seeing as how I just
played kiss-and-make-up
with Cindy Four--

- What?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess none
of that woulda happened

if you wouldn't
have been there when
she went off, you know?

Kinda made me feel
like a real ass, you know?


So, look,
she's on her way down.

You mind if she joins us?

- Here?
- Yeah, she's on her way
down here.

- Now?
- Yeah, do you mind?

I don't mind.
It's great.

All right.
You okay?

- Yeah.
- Okay, great.

- All right, come on.
- Good.

So, how's everything
going with you two?

You hitting it off
all right?

Yeah, it's going okay.
We were just talking
about the planets.


- Planets.
- Yeah.

[ sighs ]

So how's everything going
with your latest cause?

Good, good.
What cause?

Oh, you know,
all your women.

- Saving
the nymphomaniacs.
- Lenny?

Rhonda, I don't think
Joey wants to get into
that right now.

No, I think Joey
does want to get
into that right now.

But you got more
things on your mind
right now, right?

Hey, you know,
I don't think
he looks nervous.

No, you don't
look nervous.

No, I don't.
Why would I?

Why would he
look nervous?

You mean he doesn't know
about the blind date?

- What blind date?
- He knows now.

What the hell's
going on?



He knows her?


Hi, Joey.


Sit down.



- So...
- So, this is it, huh?

This is the help
you needed with Rhonda?

What help?

It's been
real nice, okay?

- But I gotta go.
- Joey?


- Is she the blind date?
- Lenny: Shh.

What are you doing?

You enjoy hurting me?

Cindy, I didn't
do anything, all right?

'Cause I caught you
before you could.

- It's not what you think.
- I know what I think,
all right?

And you telling me
not to listen to rumors.

Well, I don't have
to 'cause I can see
for myself.

So, did he tell you
you were special, too?

All right,
that's enough.

Don't blame her

and don't blame me
for shit I didn't do, okay?

If you want
to blame anybody,
you blame him.

- What?
- Asshole.

Yeah, that's right,

All I ever do is cover
your ass for you, you know?

And then you trick me
into coming down here, man.

Why couldn't you
just tell me the truth?

- Tell youthe truth?
- Yeah.

Because, Joe,
you wouldn't recognize
the truth

if it bit you
on your ass,

Mr. My-beeper's-broken-

Mr. Let's-sneak-into-

- Huh?
- Yeah, that was us.

Mr. Feel-sorry-for-Lenny-

I didn't know
you had a brother.

I don't.

So this is how
you repay me, huh?

You wanna punish me?

You think I'm doing
this to you?

You schmuck,
I was doing this foryou.

I figured maybe,
just maybe, you might
be so sick and tired

of screwing around
every night, you might
want to fall in love.

Do you remember
Cindy One?

She wasn't Cindy One
until you spent

the last four years
of your life trying
to replace her.

Know something, man?

Fuck you.

[ sighs ]

Who was
the blind date?

[ chatting ]

Mm, Mr. Businessman,

Nice mess.

What'd you have to carry?

What-- what kind--

okay, that's heavy.

- You should know, you're--
- Cindy, look, I was
just thinking...

- [ dial tone ]
- Shit, shit.


No, I just--
I mean, use a balsa
or something like that,

you know,
'cause you gotta be careful
with that kind of thing

'cause that could hurt you
for, you know, future
stuff like that.

- [ line ringing ]
- Cindy. Cindy, it's Joey.

This is a-- this is
a good girl phone voice.
What is this?

- [ busy signal ]
- Say hello-- damn it.
Damn it, hello?

Jesus, you know what?
You gotta put some
antiseptic on that.

That gets infected,
you know--

what kind of cut is it?

- Uh, excuse me.
- Yeah? Your crown
of thorns, hmm?

- Excuse me?
- You tried the walking
on water thing?

- Excuse me.
- I-- I'm on the phone.

- Woman's voice on phone:
...hang up and dial again.
- Yeah, I see that.

This phone is broken
and I need to make
an important phone call.

- How many loaves?
Gee, that's a lot of bread.
- On that phone.

Jeez, whoa, okay,
wait a minute.

Now, hold on.
Hold on there.

You don't have to--
don't crucify yourself
over this, all right?

Everyone's gonna see
that you're right.

You know,
you'll die for this, man.

- Hello?
- [ sobbing ]

Oh, yeah, yeah, he's--
sure, he's right here.

He's right next to me.

Hey, hey.
It's-- it's Judas.

- Thank you.
- Sure.

Hey, hey, Judas.

How you doin' there,
you old traitor, you?

[ laughs ]

Hey, talk
to the Almighty.

- Are you sure?
- Yes.

Okay, all right.
I'll do that.

I'm sorry, he's out to lunch.
Can I take a message?

- Edith on intercom: Lenny?
- Yes, Edith?

Uh, could you come
into my office?

And bring the Cindy Hanson
contract with you.


And how about
a pepperoni pizza
with that, Edith?

Oh, please say
I got it signed.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

I don't-- I don't
believe this.

I do not believe this.

Excuse me, hey.
Do you have a quarter?

I need a quarter.
Okay, all right.

Jesus Christ.

Where have you been?

I-- when I--

- [ line rings ]
- Woman on phone: Hello?

Hello, hello,
may I speak to Cindy One...
minute, please?

Can you hold on?
I'm on the other line.

Yes, sure.

Cindy, you know,
I was-- I was thinking,

you know, it's my fault,
the other night,

and I didn't mean
to blow up at you.

You know, what I
thought was right
wasn't right.

Does that sound right?
I don't know, I'm sorry?

- Woman on phone: Hello?
- Hello, hello,

may I speak
to Cindy, please?

Oh, I'm sorry.
She just left
for the airport.

What-- what do you mean,
she went to the airport?

She had a 2:00 flight.

Hey, you can't
park there.

Yeah, right.

Hey! You Deaf?
All right.

Cindy, hold up.

Ah, the matchmaker.

So, I see you're here
with Chuck Woolery.

Hey, we were
just taking care
of some business.

I need to talk to you,
just for a minute.

She's gonna miss her flight.
Will you please let her
sign this?

No, Lenny,
this can't wait.

She's heard it before.

I don't think she wants
any more bullshit.

That's the point.
No more bullshit.

Why do you think
I raced down here
today, huh?

I wanted to say
I'm sorry.

Ma'am, we really do
need to close the gate.


Goodbye, Joey.

See ya.

[ scoffs ]

Man on intercom:
Attention, please, American
passenger Jonathan Komack.

Please meet
Miss Monaghan--



Get out of the way!

Hey, what are you doing?

Come on,
you can't do this.

All right, hey,
put it down, put it down.

What's the matter,
afraid I'll mar the finish?

Oh, oh, okay, I see.
Like make my day,
right, Ponch?

Pardon me, pal?

Look, I was just
in there for a minute.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't see

the "just a minute"
exemption on the
parking sign.

Hey, hey, put--
put it down,
put it down.

- Just put it down.
- Oh, now I'm nobody?

- Yeah, you look
like nobody, Carmine.
- Get the f--

Hey, come here, come here.
You look like a smart guy.

Look at this, look at this.
There's 20, there's 30, 32.

Bingo, and two marbles.

- Wow, $32 and two marbles.
- Keep it.

That's a lot
of money, man.

Come here.
Is this what
you call a bribe?

- No, it is not a bribe.
- Are you trying to bribe me?

I am not bribing him!

Oh, good, here we go.

Mr. Insult-to-injury
Lenny Kaminski.

- You walking home?
- No, he was just
putting it down.

Oh, yeah, we figured
we'd simonize it, too.

What is that?
I said I was sorry.

- No, you didn't.
- Yes, he did.

Yes! I did.

He actually apologized
to a girl that he hasn't
spoken to in two years,

but me, his best friend,
a guy he sees every day?

He treats me like shit.

Yeah, well,
what goes around
comes around.

Oh, well,
that's real good.

Well, I'm rubber,
you're glue.

Whatever you say
bounces off me
and sticks to you.

Well, maybe, you know,
I don't wanna talk to you.

Oh, yeah, maybe you
just want to run away, huh?

- He sure can't drive.
- [ both laugh ]

- Hey, sir?
- Mm-hmm?

Shut up!

Hey, look, maybe I shouldn't
have said what I said,

maybe I shouldn't
have done what I did.

I shouldn't have surprised
you at the Hilite.

But would you
have come here?

Would you have
had the courage
to talk to her?

Would you have been able
to say you're sorry?

That's what I thought.

And you're welcome.

Hey, do your job.
Get this piece
of shit outta here.

Hey, don't hit that.

Oh, you mean
hit this right here?

- Don't hit the--
- Oh, you mean this?

- Get it outta here!
- Do not hit this!

[ laughs ]

I think your car's
got viral encephalitis, Joe.

He chipped the paint!

You know, that planetarium
show starts in 10 minutes.

I don't think
we'd ever make it.


We've already seen
that show anyway.

So you gonna go
see Joey,

patch things up?

I think I should.

You wouldn't mind,
would you?

No, I understand.

I'm glad.

Look, Lenny,
life is a highway,
not a destination.

We all move
in different directions.

Yeah, I guess we do.

Even if you do
like Paul Simon.

I can't believe
you don't like
Paul Simon.

- I'll see you around.
- Yeah.

- Hey, Lenny.
- Yeah?

You weren't really
in my room that night,
were you?

Of course not.

♪ There's a blank spot
in my heart ♪

♪ It shines,
but never glows... ♪



You, uh,
here alone?


Yeah, I guess
you could say that.

Buy you a drink?

Oh, you-- you want
to buy me a drink?

Yeah, Bacardi and lime.
They're twofers.

[ chuckles ]

No, thank you.

♪ Words come falling down

♪ To the lonely ground

♪ Words falling down

♪ Words...

Hey, Joe.
Pair of coffees?


♪ To the lonely noun...

He's a decaf.

No, make mine
a regular.


♪ Come falling

♪ Down.

- What'd I do?
- You quit chasing her.

You know, I might
never see her again.

If you want,
I could call Paul Simon,

have him whip up
a little concert for us
in Central Park.

Yeah, I'll call
Chuck Woolery.

They can do a duet.

- You know something, Joe?
- Hmm?

We must be
a couple of homos.

We just let two
of the most beautiful
women in the world

slip right
out of our lives.

- Yeah.
- [ women laughing ]

- Hey.
- Hmm?


I'll take the dragger,
you take the draggee.

I don't know.

You think you
got a shot?

You think
you're up for it?

Don't say anything
that's gonna sound
like a lie.

No, no, no.
I'm just gonna say hi.

- Hi?
- That's right-- H-I, hi.

Hey, how long you figure
we're gonna keep doing this?

Till you get married.

Oh, no, no.
You're going first.

I ain't goin' first.
You are.

♪ Oh, may tell you to run

♪ On my way,
on my way ♪

♪ You know what they say
about the young... ♪

[ indistinct chatter
continues ]

♪ Well, pick me up
with golden hand ♪

♪ Oh, may say you,
oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Know what they say
about the young ♪

♪ Well, I would like
to hold my little hand ♪

♪ How will we run,
we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl,
we will ♪

♪ I would like to hold
my little hand ♪

♪How we will run,
we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl

♪Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, oh, yeah

♪ I would like
to reach out my hand ♪

♪ Oh, may say you,
oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way, on my way

♪ You know what they say
about the young ♪

♪ Now pick me up
with golden hand ♪

♪ Oh, may see you,
oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way,
on my way ♪

♪ You know what they say
about the young ♪

♪ Well, I would like
to hold my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,
how we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl,
we will ♪

♪ I would like to hold
my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,
we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way,
on my way ♪

♪ Mm-mm, on my way

♪ Oh-ho

♪ I would like to hold
my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,
we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl,
we will ♪

♪ I would like to hold
my little hand ♪

♪ How we will run,
we will ♪

♪ How we will crawl

♪ Send me on my way

♪ Send me
on my way ♪

♪ Send me on my way

♪ On my way

♪ Send me on my way

♪ Send me
on my way ♪

♪ Oh

♪ Oh-oh, way

♪ Oh, way, oh

♪ Oh, way

♪ I would like
to reach out my hand ♪

♪ Oh, may say you,
oh, may tell you to run ♪

♪ On my way,
on my way ♪

♪ You know what they say
about the young. ♪

[ music playing ]