Twins (1988) - full transcript

On his 35th birthday...

I decided to tell Julius Benedict...

the truth about himself.

Julius already knew
that he was the product...

of a scientific experiment...

conducted by the American government.

A top-secret experiment designed
to produce a physically...

mentally and spiritually
advanced human being.

He knew that,
unlike other little boys...

he had not one, but six fathers-

all very distinguished men...



especially chosen for
their genetic excellence.

And of course...

he knew about Mary Ann Benedict...

the remarkable young woman...

who was selected to be his mother.

Sadly, he had long lived
with the tragic knowledge...

that his mother died
while giving birth to him.

Now, what Julius did not know...

not until this very moment...

was that about a minute
after he was born...

his mother gave birth
to another baby boy.

I have a brother?

Ya.

He was sent to an
orphanage in Los Angeles...



at the same time I brought
you here to the island.

Julius had spent his entire life
here on the island...

helping me with my research.

I always thought he was happy,
and had no desire to leave.

How wrong I was.

I must find him.

Julius, Julius! Wait, wait.

I couldn't believe he was going.

He wasn't equipped to deal
with the outside world.

All of his knowledge was from books.

Julius could speak 12 languages.

He excelled in history, science...

mathematics, literature.

He was pure in body and in spirit.

Ahhh!

But for the first time...

Julius would not listen to me.

He's probably just like me.

The nearest island with
an airport was 27 Miles away.

But Julius did not care.

He had become obsessed with the idea...

that his brother, Vincent,
was in some kind of trouble...

and desperately needed his help.

Honey, I'm home!

-Oh, no!
-Oh, no.

-Get going!
-I'm going.

Oh, hello, hello!

Oh, my goodness!

Goodbye.

-We're gonna be late for work.
-I need my horoscope.

-Yeah, horoscope.
-'Your judgement is at its peak today.'

Use it wisely,
and romance will follow.'

-Ooh, good one.
-I hope so. Who knows.

Ladies!

-Vince!
-I thought you broke up with him.

I did, I did!

You don't mind if I talk
to your sister, do you?

She doesn't mind.

Don't give him any money.

Uh, no, no, I promised Marnie
I wouldn't give you any money.

Don't look at me like-

don't do that thing with your eyes.

I'm not even supposed
to be here with you.

You are here, and so am I.

Maybe millions of people go by...

But they all disappear from view.

I only have eyes for you, Linda.

I only have eyes for you.

Mmm.

-It's the baby Klane!
-What?

-Hi.
-Hi.

-Can I help you?
-Uh, yeah.

Where's the little shit?

You'll have to be more specific...

concerning the clientele.

Benedict.

Oh, he wouldn't come in here.

-Isn't that right, Marnie?
-Who, Vincent?

That weasel? That creep?

I wouldn't serve him if he crawled in
on his hands and knees.

Take out the papers and the trash

or you don't get no spending cash

if you don't scrub that kitchen floor

you ain't gonna rock and roll no more

yakety-yak don't talk back

I knew you were trouble
the second I laid eyes on you.

Excuse me. I just have never
heard this kind of music before.

Thank you.

Hey, Vince!

Listen, Al...

you gotta help me out.

I'm into the Klane
brothers for $20,000.

-You borrowed money from a loan shark?
-What do you got?

-Got anything for me?
-I got something for you

See what you got.

We're doing this too often, Vince.

Alright. I'll give you something.

Lemme see. Alright. I got a
nice BMW up on 4, stall 20.

Vince, I'll take all
of these you can get.

All right, Tony.

-For you.
-Thanks, Tony.

Yeah.

Whoa, Tony!

There's only $4000 here.
For a car like this is $6000.

We're in a recession.
Everything's tough.

You wanna try someone else,
no hard feelings.

No, I just could've used some more.

-You okay, Vince? You seem worried.
-Yeah.

What's the matter? Your
bowels troubling you?

What an amazing country.

Hey.

Gotta light, pal?

Oh, excuse me.
I don't smoke, pal.

Yeah. Ha-ha.

Yeah, good stuff, huh?

-Pickin' up something for the girlfriend?
-I don't have a girlfriend.

Do women really wear those things?

If you're lucky, they do.

I can't believe it.

-You're from out of town?
-Yes.

As a matter of fact, I come from
an island in the South Pacific.

Whoa!

What the hell did you do to him, man!

I did nothing.
The pavement was his enemy.

Let me check him out.

A light concussion.

Uh-oh.

-I carry him to a hospital.
-No!

I think you should just take off, man.

Find your horse you came in on.
Good bye.

I'm so sorry about this.

-I feel terrible.
-Me, too. Thanks a lot.

-Sorry.
-Yeah, I'm sorry.

The next time you should
really consider wearing helmets.

Yeah, have a nice day.

You don't have to buy them.
Just don't say they're cheap!

These are quality socks.

What a day it's been.
Oh, no, no, no!

Oh, oh! Jesus Christ!

$53! Are you out of your mind?

Your vehicle is in a handicapped zone,
if you didn't notice.

So, do I look normal to you?

You don't have a handicapped
sticker in your windshield.

Oh, come on.
You don't need a sticker.

Handicapped, my ass!

I'll need your driver's license, sir.

Look, I'm sorry I lost my temper.

Driver's license, please.

-Look, I had a very bad day.
-Driver's license... please.

You've got over 200 outstanding
parking tickets, Mr. Benedict.

You just had your birthday.
Your driver's license expired.

Happy Birthday. Watch your head.

Thanks.

Come along, now.

So this is where my brother grew up.

I'm so happy he had so many
children to play with.

And that's where he must have slept!

Yes, it was.

How did you know?

It's the one I'd have chosen,
close to the fire extinguisher.

In case of a fire...

I could have given the alarm
and saved all the other orphans.

We've had only one fire
in here at St. Charlotte's.

Vince Benedict started it,
we like to think by accident.

Tell me a little bit about Vincent.

Was he a great athlete?
Interested in chess and poetry?

I'm certain God had a purpose
when he created Vince Benedict...

but it had nothing
to do with chess or poetry.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Odd, the contents
of his files are missing.

That is Vince?

He looks so happy.

He should.
That's sister Maria...

-his biology teacher.
-I always liked biology.

So did Vincent.

He disgraced sister Maria...

who had to leave the order.

Then he stole all the money from
the library fund, and ran away.

I must find my brother.

Do you know where he might be?

Jail, a man of his character
can only be in jail.

You're full of goodness, Julius.
I pray you never find him.

Benedict, visitor.

-I'm looking for Vincent Benedict.
-You got him.

I have rowed halfway
across the world-

Wrong, I just rowed a day-

I've been looking forward to
this moment my whole life.

I've been on my island,
I'm telling you.

This is incredible that-
I have looked for-

You've gotta talk into the phone, Bozo.

Vincent. Dearest, Vincent...

I know you don't know who I am.

-But believe me, I came-
-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I've got another six hours
to pay the money back.

Tell the Klane brothers that harassing
a man already in the slammer...

is beneath even them, all right?

I don't know any Klane brothers.
I'm your brother, Julius.

Huh? Come again?

My name is Julius,
and I'm your twin brother.

Oh, obviously.

The moment I sat down, I thought
I was looking into a mirror.

We are not identical twins.

-Oh, no?
-No.

I wouldn't be too sure, pal.

I don't lie. I am your brother.

You must let me help
you get out of here.

You want to help me get out?

Yes, right now.

Well, money talks, and bullshit walks.

How can bullshit walk?
That's slang, huh?

Yeah.

I'm in fast company here.

Take a look over there.
See that man?

Pay him money, all right?
They let me out.

I'll be anything you want,
your aunt, Uncle, sister...

your cousin,
brother-in-law, anything.

-All right?
-Okay, I pay right now.

-You pay now.
-Okay, Vince.

Okay. Go pay.

All right, pay him.

What is this, 'candid camera'?

Ahhh, oof!

Twinny, I hope you didn't
blow your wad on the tickets...

because I'm gonna need
a lot more money to get my car.

-I have more money.
-You do?

I'm glad to help you.
Vincent, I'm your brother.

-I love you.
-Whoa!

Look, ease up on the love talk...

because I'm gonna be tossing
my cookies in a minute.

Tossing your cookies?

Oh, that's more slang!

Where the hell is it?

-This is your car, isn't it?
-Yeah, that's it.

You pay a huge fine,
then they hide it on you.

-How'd you know this was my car?
-We're twins!

I'm so excited. Now we can
go to museums together...

talk philosophy together,
read books together.

-Play chess together.
-Get lost together.

Vincent!

He's so full of energy.

Blue sedan DeVille.

This is beautiful.

Where you guys going, out to Hawaii?

-Catch some of them big waves?
-Yeah, something like that.

We have plenty of room on level 4.

I'll call you next Saturday.

Whoa, where you going with my desk?

Takin' back this furniture, man.

You're six months behind.

You're behind!

Six months behind.
That's the problem.

There's no trust in the world any more.

I tried to stop them, Mr. Benedict.

That's all right, it was
time to redecorate anyway.

Vincent Benedict incorporated.

-Sports agent...
-Airborne!

-Mr. Benedict?
-Yeah?

-It's Al.
-It's Al? Ooh, Al, Al, Al.

Look, Miss Busby, uh-
Al, hang on a second.

The corporation's in
a transitional period right now.

Take a couple of days off.
When we regroup, I'll call you.

Whatever you think is best.

-All right.
-I'll take this.

Yeah, go ahead. Take that.

Before I forget,

Happy Birthday.

Oh, how sweet.

That's very, very nice of you.

-Aqua Velva?
-Mm-hmm.

You shouldn't have. Stacey.

I'll give you a call, okay?

All right, all right.

Al, save me!

Brand-new caddy on level 4.

I'll be there! Don't move! Bye.

Whoa!

Time's up, Vincent.

Did you hit me?
Because I didn't feel a thing.

I felt that.

You gotta understand
something, Benedict.

I like my work.

These are the most unfriendly acts
you're committing.

I don't know what the problem is...

but I'm sure it can be resolved...

-without resorting to violence.
-Yeah.

Okay?

Okay.

-You moved too soon.
-He did?

Ahhh!

A little chest pain?

The first rule in a crisis situation:

You negotiate first
and you attack last.

You negotiate first, then you attack.

-You never negotiated.
-Na-hah!

You don't know what
kind of an enemy I am.

-Who are you?
-I'm Vincent's brother.

-We're twins.
-That's right.

-You're firewood!
-Axe, axe, axe!

You have no respect for logic.

-But he's got an axe!
-Ahhhh!

And I have no respect for those
who have no respect for logic.

You're a very stupid person.

You tell your brother...

he messes with me, he messes
with my whole family!

I love it when you hit people, Julius.

Boom!

That was great!

Actually, I hate violence.

But you're so good at it!

I've got an idea. We should
go into business together.

You could be a boxer.
I could be your manager.

-I don't think I could fight for money.
-No problem!

You do all the fighting,
I'll keep all the money.

I'm really worried about you, Vincent.

How much money do you owe?

Don't lie to me. We're twins.

-I can feel your pain.
-Why do you keep saying that?

We're not twins.
We're not brothers.

We're nothin'!

Twenty thousand.

Due this morning.

Come on.

Don't worry about anything, Vincent.

As long as I'm with you,
I won't let anyone harm you, okay?

Well, you're a good guy, Julius.

Now, hang on to your seat!

You know what?
I completely forgot.

I promised this friend, Sammy...

that I'd pick his car up
from the airport.

Put it in the slot.

Would you do me a big favour?

Would you drive this car back
from the airport for me?

Oh, I would love to.

Good, that would really be a big help.

Do you have a manual, please?

-A manual?
-Yeah.

-It's in the glove compartment.
-Oh, yeah.

There it is.

-What are you doin' with the finger?
-Learning to drive.

Whoa!

It's not up here.

Maybe it's under the back tyre.

Look... I mean, usually he
leaves the keys behind the tyre.

-Geez!
-What's the matter?

That dopey Sam,
he forgot to leave the keys.

No. Oh, well.

A lot of handicapped children
are gonna be very disappointed.

Handicapped children?

This car was supposed to be auctioned
off at their charity drive tomorrow.

Oh, well. Let's go get
something to eat.

Maybe we should try
to open it ourselves.

Do you really think we should do that?

It's for children.

You got a point.

I saw a guy from
the auto club do this once.

What do you know, beginners luck!

These cars have terrific alarms!

I'll get it in a minute.

Just a second, Jules.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

If you lift the rear end
at an angle greater than 45%...

the Mercury switch activates
the automatic cut-off system...

so that the alarm's computer thinks...

that the car is being
towed and shuts off.

Can I have the keys to your car?

You know, the keys to your car?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No yodelling.

Lovely day.

Come on, Julius.

Step on it!

Yeeeoow!

Oh, my God!

-I am amazed at how well it's going.
-You're doing good.

Don't use both feet at the same time.

-Just use the gas.
-Okay, one foot.

-One pedal at a time.
-Okay! I will do it!

Pick up the phone, the phone.

The little thing down on
the right that's making noise.

This is Vincent's car.
Can I help you, please?

-Julius!
-Vincent, where are you?

Look in your rear-view mirror.
You see that little dot?

That's me.

Hello, yeah. Hello!

What are you doing back there?

There's going to be a lot of
lights coming up, a supermarket.

-Supermarket.
-Take your foot off the gas.

Apply it to the brake.
It's the thing next to the gas.

The brake pedal.

-Very gently.
-You got it.

Bye, Vincent.

All right.

Okay, it's a supermarket.

Ohhh!

Ohhh!

That's what I call fun.

Did you see me with the two wheels?

I can teach you that, Vincent.

Julius, let me tell you
something about America.

Nobody likes a smart ass, all right?

So, what do you think?

Angel's food or devil's food?

Devil's.

-You know what I really love about Vince?
-What?

He's a force of nature.

-You're outta control.
-No, I'm not.

That poetry he pretends to write,
they're old song lyrics.

I know. Geez,
you think I don't know that!

-I don't think you know that.
-Well, I do.

It's this style thing.
That's how he expresses himself.

And he means it, even if
he doesn't know he means it.

-Vince has a truly romantic soul.
-I can't hear this any more.

Well, don't, 'cause if you
had a boyfriend like I have...

you'd make him a cake
and he'd love it...

and you'd get laid.

-Ah!
-Excuse me.

Excuse me.

She's not bad.

I had no idea that these magazines...

had things like
this inside, inside them.

You didn't? Where've you been?
A desert island?

I come from a tropical island
in the South Pacific.

It's around 300 nautical Miles,
South, southwest of Fiji.

I just got here yesterday
and I already found my brother.

Your brother?

That's right.

My twin brother, Vincent.

-Twins?
-Vince!

-Linda.
-Hi.

Oh, you look gorgeous in this light.

-You do.
-Really?

Hi. Who's this guy?

This is Vincent's brother.

-I didn't know you had a brother.
-Me, either.

You know each other?

Allow me to introduce
these lovely ladies.

-This is Linda.
-Hi.

-Hello.
-Her charming sister, Marnie.

Sisters?

Twins?

Are you sure this guy's all right?

He's okay. He's helping me out.

He's from outta town,
kinda latched on to me.

Okay, well, great seeing ya.

Catch ya later.

Great seeing ya. Catch ya later.

Oops!

I've only been driving an hour.

-Linda's your girlfriend, isn't she?
-Yeah, kinda.

-Is Marnie your girlfriend, too?
-Marnie?

Marnie hates my guts.
She kinda likes you, though.

-Me?
-Yeah.

-She hardly knows me.
-That's the best way.

You see, women love men...

who are mysterious and devious.

Keeps them on their toes.

-It excites them. You know what I mean?
-No.

-You do like women?
-Very much so.

They're strange and sensitive.

They have compassion.

I have the highest respect for women.

You're a virgin!

That's private.

A 230-pound virgin.

It's all right. It's something-

it's just one of those things.

Oh, Julius.
My little baby poodle.

Such a baby cat.
Look, did I neglect you?

Not any more. Come on.

That's a good little pussy cat.
This is sweet Julius.

Okay, here you go.

You named your cat Julius?

The secret to take-out eggplant
parmesan is extra cheese.

-There we go.
-That much cheese?

Oh, yeah.
The more cheese, the merrier.

There you go.

I know you're probably used to
growing your own vegetables...

and spearing fish on the lagoon,
but here on the mainland...

we just nuke it.

That's it. Here we go.

Feast your eyes.
Dinner is served.

-Yummy.
-Yeah.

-Ahhh!
-Ahhh!

Through the lips, over the gums,

look out stomach, here it comes.
Ta-dum!

-Julius!
-Oh, I like nuked food.

-Mm-mmm!
-Mmm!

Now let me get this straight.

One of our fathers was
a famous football player?

-Yes!
-And another one was...

-a physicist at M.I.T.?
-Yes, he won the Nobel prize.

Naturally! All of our dads
were these big shots.

And mom... was like...
superwoman.

But she didn't survive the delivery.

And I was sent to an orphanage...

while you were raised
on a tropical paradise...

By a scientist who
you do research for...

but who doesn't pay you,
because you don't need money.

Did I leave anything out?

I think it's important we try
to find our fathers.

Oh, you mean the geniuses
who contributed...

to the sperm milk shake.

Why are you being so immature
about all this?

Do you know how many times
I've heard stories like this?

It's every orphan's fantasy.

My real mom and dad were rich...

and beautiful.

But there was a mix-up
in the hospital...

and I got switched with another baby.

But one day, there's gonna
be a knock at the door...

and there they'll be...

with open arms, crying, 'my darling.'

'My treasure. We didn't know.

How can we make it up to you?'

Let me tell you something
for your own good, Julius.

It's a crock.

I liberated this from
my file at the orphanage.

Here it is. Read it and weep.

'Dear Sister Anderson, your request
for orphan's benefits...

-'for Vincent Benedict has been denied.'
-Denied, yeah.

'According to our files,
his mother did not die...

-'during birth.'
-She's not dead.

'We have a current
address for her at...

'172 Canyon Glen Drive, Los Angeles.

'Vincent's case seems to be
one of simple abandonment...

and as such,
he's ineligible for aid.'

That's right, Julius.
She abandoned me.

This letter was written 30 years ago.

We were five years old.

Our mother didn't die
when we were born!

You knew all this time where she was...

and you never contacted her?

I don't know about your mother,
'Miss Perfect, 1952'...

but my mother was a slut
and if she's still alive...

I hope she's in a lot of pain.

She dumped me once.

There is no way I'm gonna give
her a chance to do it again.

If they have lied to us about mama
for all these years...

maybe they lied to her, too.
We got to find her.

-We have to check this address.
-You do what you want.

I got a cash-flow problem.

Hello.

Hey, Vince, we haven't
forgotten about you.

You better have our money
tomorrow morning, or else.

Or else what, you blimp?

Oh, we're rollin'.

Tests on the new low-temperature
gaskets look great.

-Mr. Garfield, there's a man-
-Not now.

Who are you?

I'm Webster.

It's okay!

Christ! You were never
supposed to come here.

We were never supposed to meet.

-You're supposed to be-
-Driving that car down to Texas.

I got my driving gloves.
I got my driving glasses.

I got my driving hat.

But I got no car.

The car was there.

The merchandise was in the trunk.

Your instructions were on the cassette.

He wants more money.
That's what this is about.

-He wants more money.
-Whoa, whoa. Let me explain.

Sit down.

I got a reputation to uphold.

People put their trust in me.

They know I always deliver the goods...

And I always come back with the money.

This is making me look
very bad professionally.

-This is bullshit. The car was there.
-That's right.

The parking attendant
thought we were going to Hawaii.

-The parking attendant?
-He liked the car.

We put on those loud shirts
so we'd look like tourists.

You know, I just realized that...

in over 20 years of service,
not one of my clients...

has ever seen my face.

I don't think that's a problem.

Hey!

No, please, please!

-Hi.
-Hi.

Oh, excuse me, could you
tell me who lives here?

Grandpa...

this man wants to talk to you.

Thank you.

Hello?

Yes, can I help you?

I'm terribly sorry
to disturb your party.

I know this may sound strange...

but I'm looking for someone
that lived here a long time ago.

Mary Ann Benedict.

She was my mother.

You're Mary Ann's son?

That looks just like you, grandpa.

Honey, why don't you go inside...

and help grandma with lunch, okay?

Dad?

Uh... no!

-But maybe technically speaking.
-Dad!

Dad!

-Wait a minute!
-Dad! It is you!

This is a big surprise.

Dad, this is incredible.
I don't know what to-

We could use a drink.
Why don't... why don't we go inside?

One of my fathers! You don't know
what this means to me.

Uh, Mr. Webster,
I hope you are happy with the vehicle...

we chose for your little journey.

When you get near Houston,
phone 713-555-0342...

and ask for uh, uh, Beetroot McKinley.

He will arrange to trade you a briefcase
for the merchandise in the trunk.

Thank you.

Mary Ann Benedict.

I haven't said that name
out loud for over 30 years.

Your mother was...
an amazing woman.

Oh, the times I've wondered what would
have happened if I'd have married her.

Why didn't you?

Oh, I asked her to.
She turned me down.

She...

said she was afraid... to
have any more children.

See, they told her
you had died at birth.

Who told her we died?

Mitchell Traven,
the guy with the clipboard.

He supervised the experiment
for the government.

He still runs a genetics lab
at Los Alamos, New Mexico.

I'll have to pay him a visit.

Watch out for him.

He's kind of a dick head,
if you know what I mean.

Dick head?

No, I don't.

But... I'm learning.

I'm concerned about the time frame.

That's my private line, honey.
I'll take care of that.

You boys, excuse me.

Beetroot McKinley talkin'.
Who is this?

Uh, Webster.

I'm callin' from California.
I happen to have something-

some merchandise that you might want.

Well, bring it to me, son.

Let me enrich you.

Well, uh, Mr. Beetroot...

it's the amount of enrichment...

that I wanted to talk about.

Don't try and renegotiate
with old Beetroot, son.

Now look, Beetroot...

if we can't renegotiate,
we wither and die.

Look, there's no way, Mr. Beetroot...

that I am going to deliver
any damn Cadillac...

unless I know for sure that I have...

twenty for my cut.

Twenty! You little
shit-for-brains peckerwood!

You're out of your goddam, greedy mind!

-I guess that seems a little high for you.
-Yeah!

I'm a reasonable man.
How about fifteen?

The deal is five!

Five?

I could do better than five here.

If you can do better
than five million dollars...

well, then, son, you take it.

Beetroot, I'll see you in Houston.

After all, fair is fair.

I'll just have to find it in
my heart to live with your offer.

Well, good.

Five million!

Five million dollars!

Five mil-l-lion dollars!

Five million dollars!

Five, five million dollars!

Five million dollars!

Five m-m-million!

Cash, lots of cash.

Whoa!

Listen, the most amazing thing
has happened, Vincent.

-You scared the living shit outta me.
-I met one of our fathers.

He told me about a man in New Mexico...

-who probably knows where mom is.
-Oh, great! Yes!

-Listen, she didn't abandon you.
-No?

You know what I mean?
She didn't abandon you.

-She didn't even know you were born.
-Oh!

-They told her that I died.
-No kidding?

Look, Julius, I'm in a hurry.

-You know Sammy, who gave me this car?
-Yeah.

You remember Sammy? He wants me
to take this car to Houston.

-So I'm gonna be gone a couple of days.
-Houston?

Hous... Hou-no!
-You know something?

New Mexico's on the way to Houston.

A lot of places are
on the way to Houston.

Use the house, make some phone calls.

Throw wild parties.
Take advantage of your brother.

We have to see this man, Traven,
in new Mexico.

No, we don't have to see
this man in new Mexico.

Yes, we do!

And I'm coming with you.

We'll go see the man.

-I take a shower. I get my bags.
-Get your bags.

Be right out. Oh, boy!

I'll be here, bro. Okay.

This place is a zoo!

Wait, wait.

-Happy Birthday, Vince.
-Oh.

-Happy Birthday, Vince.
-God.

It's not my birthday any more.

Better late than never.

Look what Marnie made for Julius.

-You baked?
-Yeah. Is Julius around?

-He's taking a shower.
-I'll go give these to him.

So-o-o!

-Where'd you get this car?
-Sammy. You know Sammy.

-Where you going?
-Inside. Have some coffee?

You're going somewhere and you
weren't even gonna say goodbye.

Take out your papers and your trash

or you don't get no spending cash

if you don't scrub the kitchen floor

you ain't gonna rock and roll no more

yakety-yak yakety-yak
don't talk back

Marnie!

Excuse me, but I was
just taking a shower.

Good singing.

I baked you some cookies.

-Cookies?
-I guess it was a dumb idea.

No, not at all. I'm really
looking forward to tossing them.

-I should put on some clothes.
-I'm sorry, I'll turn around.

Linda and I just came by
'cause she baked him a cake...

-for his birthday.
-I had birthday, too.

Oh, that's right.

You're twins.

Huh?

Whoa.

What is it?

I don't know what it is,
but it's worth a fortune.

-A fortune? That's great!
-Yeah!

Excuse me!

Excuse me.

Never sleep with that man,
never loan him money...

never believe a word he
tells you. That's free advice.

Good morning, Agnes.

Vince?

I cleaned her pipes once.
Let's go have a cup of coffee.

Vincent, I'm comin' with you.

Linda, no, you're not coming with me.

-Yes, I am.
-No, you're not coming.

You could get killed and die and
I wouldn't know what happened.

-No!
-You say 'no' one more time...

-I'm gonna tell everybody that there's-
-Shut up! Shut up!

All right. Oh, God.

All right, you're coming.

But you do not tell Julius
what's in that trunk.

He thinks we're going
to look up our ancestors...

like in 'Roots' or something.
All right?

-Does this one look okay?
-It looks fine.

It's good you didn't have
to borrow his pants.

-Marnie...
-Linda, what?

-Guess what?
-What?

Vince just asked us to go to
New Mexico and Texas with him.

This is a great idea.

Vincent, is this true?
We all go together?

Yeah.

I thought it was a great idea
if we all hopped in the car...

and spent a few days
on the road together.

Nice shirt.

-Feels great. It's all cotton.
-Well, it breathes.

It's okay. Come out.

All right. Here, Linda.

Oh, can I ride in front with Vincent?

-Sure.
-Thanks.

Now, let me see.

I'm supposed to be
giving you one of these.

Sorry, it's my first day on the job.

Have a nice day.

Now, where do I find
this very special person...

Mr. Vince Benedict?

Well, what have we here?

What a cute little kitty.

Where's daddy?

Well, well, well.
Thank you very much.

Open up, Vince.
We know you're in there.

Come on, we just wanna talk to you.

Howdy!

Who are you?

It's not really important, is it?

I was just feeding the cat,
then I was gonna leave.

I asked you a question.

-Well, who are you?
-We're the Klane brothers.

That's Burt, this is
Morris, and I'm Bob.

-Interesting gene pool.
-Don't cast dispersions at my family.

I beg your pardon. But you're
looking for Vince Benedict.

-Right.
-Am I Vince Benedict?

So what difference
does it make who I am?

-Hit him, Bobby.
-Yeah.

Hey! All right.

Your brothers seem to have
a problem with their feet.

-Could be contagious. Bye, bye.
-Ow! Ow!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

-You want a doctor?
-Ow!

I'll call a doctor.

Sorry I tore your shirt.
I don't know what happened.

It's all right.

-Julius!
-What?

-Are you allergic to something?
-No.

Then why are these bumps
all over your body?

You're all swelled up.
You look like you're ready to explode.

Put this shirt on. There are
women and children present.

And your back,
it's worse than the front.

-It's like North Dakota.
-You're so funny, Vincent.

This is for the T-shirt
and the sandwiches.

-Born to be bad.
-Yes, we are.

Ooh, you're so scary.

Linda.

Linda!

Well, what do you think?

-Let's rock and roll.
-It's his first T-shirt.

-Honey, honey.
-Yeah?

See if you can get us
a room with a king-size bed?

Right.

We'll get us settled.
We'll meet you here.

-Okay.
-Goodbye.

I don't need a king-size bed.
I always sleep on the floor.

Uh, I don't know, Jules.
I hope this is a good idea.

Come on.

Now, look, promise me something.

If this Professor Traven
has never heard of...

you know, mom or us twins...

or all our dads or the experiment...

you won't be upset.

All I want him to do
is tell us the truth.

I don't know who you are
and what you're talking about.

Get the hell out of here
before I call security.

Well, that's that.
On to Houston.

He's lying!

Take it easy. He said he
was gonna call security.

For the first time in my life,
I'm pissed off!

Julius, don't do this to me.
I got a car to deliver.

The last thing I need is
a detour in the slammer.

-I'm gonna make him tell us the truth.
-No!

That's our mother.
Those are our six fathers.

That's Werner. And that is you.

So start talking.

Everything okay, Dr Traven?

Um, yes. It's okay.

I'll take care of it.

Well, Vincent...

you turned out just like
I thought you would.

What did you do, escape from prison?

How'd you know my name?

I named you.

We sealed this door
the day after you were born.

Well, come on in.
This is what you wanted to see.

You came out first, of course.

We weren't expecting... him.

This, uh...

must be where you made the milk shake.

We weren't making milk shakes.

We were making the most fully-developed
human the world has ever seen.

But instead of just one perfect kid...

-mom had the two of us. Way to go, mom!
-Wrong!

The embryo did split in two, but...

It didn't split equally.

All the purity and
strength went into Julius.

All the crap that was left over...

went into what you see
in the mirror every morning.

Whoa. You telling me
I'm the crap?

-This is not true.
-Wait, Julius. I wanna hear this.

You're telling me that I am
the leftover crap? I'm no good?

-He's wrong.
-Look at him.

Are you saying that...

I'm a side effect?

You haven't got the brain power
to understand this...

and I haven't got the time.
Show's over.

Hey, dick head.

Tell us where our mother is.

Um... Whispering Pines.

It's an artists' colony
200 miles north of Santa Fe.

If you're lying to me,

I'll be back.

Come on.

My life just got
flushed down the toilet.

No, Vincent. Your life
is just about to begin.

I'm genetic garbage.

We're twins.
We're basically the same.

Julius, I know this is
a touchy subject for you...

but we don't look the same,
we don't act the same...

we don't talk the same,
we don't dress the same.

I know.

So if we're so much the same,
how come we're so different?

We had six fathers.

We're different parts of
a lot of different people.

Yeah?

Don't forget. I was taken
to a beautiful island.

I was loved. I was
protected, educated.

You had nobody, Vincent.

Nobody to love you,
to trust you, to encourage you.

All life taught you was
that the only person you...

could count on was yourself.

You see, Vincent...

you're the missing part of my life.

And I'm the missing part of your life.

When we find mama...

We can fill the missing part of hers.

We won't be alone any more.

We can be a family.

A family?

Yes.

You mean, like,
with a Christmas tree...

and Thanksgiving dinner?

And a real home...

where you'll always be welcome.

Always?

Even when you've been bad.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, ooh.

Yes, um-mm. Oh, look.

-Is this really necessary?
-Yes, of course it's necessary.

I'm not going to introduce you to my mother
looking like a goat herder from Albania.

You need clothes.

-But I feel fine the way I am.
-But you look like a-

-Hello, can I help you?
-Do I look like I need help?

Here's the problem.
We gotta do a whole ensemble.

-Do I look okay?
-You look better. Let's put it that way.

You know what we have to do, Jules?

We gotta work on the way
you're walking, a little bit.

You look a little stiff.
You ever see 'Frankenstein'?

-I read the book.
-That's not gonna help.

When you walk, you gotta walk
like you're moving to music...

and I don't mean a military march.

Like, you know, Aretha Franklin
and Otis Redding...

and Wilson Pickett,
a couple of white people.

-Like this?
-Yeah. Bop! That's it.

-Yeah, loose!
-Oh, I like that.

I got something for you.
Try these on.

-Sunglasses?
-Yeah, here you go.

Now, that's it. There. Yeah!

That's it. Yeah!

-Whoops!
-Whoa!

-Do I look cool now?
-Mr. Ice.

Yeah, just breeze
on through. Yeah!

Tonight

Tonight's the night

It's gonna be a good night, bro

And everything's gonna happen, bro

And you take her in your arms

And you plant a good
one on her... ho

Tonight's the night

Tonight, tonight, tonight

Tonight is your night, bro

Yeah, it's your night, bro!

Oh yeah, bro you're gonna do it

you're gonna cut it

You're making me nervous!

-Well, you're nervous.
-You've got to help me.

-What?
-I've never been out on a date before.

-That's okay.
-I don't know what to do.

Well, you talk to her.
You buy her a couple of drinks.

You dance with her, bro

You gonna dance with

You dance?

Oh, you probably never
did that before, either.

No.

Oh, well, look.

All right.

The first thing is, Jules...

forget about disco.

-Right? No disco.
-No disco.

When I really wanna romance a girl...

I waltz with her.

Rah-tah-tah rah-tah-tah

-You mean, like Strauss?
-Yeah.

It turns 'em into putty in your hands.

Come on, let's assume
the dance position.

I'll give you a couple of pointers.

-I really appreciate that.
-Come on. Let's go.

I hope nobody's looking in the window.

Come on, like this. Here you go.

Put your feet by my feet.
Come on. Let's go.

By my feet...

Not on my feet.
Thanks very much.

-Sorry, Vincent.
-Minor oversight.

Grab my hand. Come on.

Yeow! Ah! Ease up!

Tiny bit. Let the blood
flow through the fingers.

Oh, like loose?

-See, come on. That's it, relax.
-I'm just nervous.

Okay, one, two, three.
One, two, three.

-One, two, three.
-One, two, three.

-One, two, three.
-Don't, no.

-One, two, three.
-See what you're doing with your teeth?

You're grinding them.
Don't grind your teeth.

Don't grind your teeth.

Relax your jaws, yeah.

Now try to count without
moving your lips, all right?

-One, two, three.
-One, two, three.

See? That's it.
You're not wrestling a boar...

300 Miles South, southwest of Fiji.

Good, Jules.

Yeah!

Way to go, Jules!

Did you know they had beer
in ancient Egypt?

-Oh, yeah?
-No.

It was actually the Assyrians
that developed the beer.

And it was the Egyptians
who were the first people

to perfect the malt
fermentation process.

-You know a lot about beer.
-He knows about everything.

It's all from books.
Until tonight, I've never had a beer.

All theory, no practise.
The story of my life.

-Awww!
-We're gonna change all that.

Aren't we, Marnie?

-Marnie.
-What?

Am I shit-faced yet?

Excuse me, but...
my back teeth are floating.

Excuse me, I have to check if
my back teeth are floating.

Good shot.

Woo-hoo! Ooo!

Oh, God. We both flushed at
the same time before we did it.

Yeah, right. Woo-hoo!

Hey, Jules. Marnie's
got the hots for you, babe.

Tonight is your lucky night.
I know it.

-I don't think Marnie likes me.
-You kidding? Piece of cake.

This woman is ripe.
You're nervous...

because it's your first time.
Perfectly natural.

Really.

Were you nervous the first time?

I was 12 years old and she was
a nun. Talk about pressure.

Whoa!

Come on, hit 'em.

-What?
-Hit 'em, hit 'em.

Oh, hit 'em, hit 'em.

Julius...

you know...

Julius, I have to admit this.

Since you and I first met, uh...

my life has been just
getting better and better.

Mine, too.

I'm so happy, Vincent.

I feel like sometimes, like...

-picking you up and hug you...
-Whoa!

and hug you, hug you, hug you.

Hey, he's my brother.

Oh, lay off the beer, Julius.

Did you tell anyone
we were coming to Santa Fe?

I called work and told them
we wouldn't be in for a few days.

Oh, I forgot to tell you we were fired.

-Oh, no.
-You hated that job.

Nice of your boss to tell
us where we could find you.

Oh, no.

Hi, girls, you don't mind if
we join you and listen to some music.

The Klane boys.
What an unpleasant surprise.

Vince, this has gone way beyond...

-a case of simple loan delinquency.
-We don't like being shot.

Shot? Who shot you?

-What do you want?
-We want to take Vince...

-out to the parking lot and kill him.
-Ohhh, owww!

Don't you think
that's a little drastic?

Let's go.

Don't touch him.

Ohhh!

Hey, big fella.

You wouldn't want me to hurt
the lovely lady, would you?

You moved too soon.

-What?

-The second rule in a crisis situation...

Uh-oh. He's startin'
that funny talk, again.

If you choose to bluff...

you must be prepared
to have your bluff called.

This is no bluff.

These are my cousins, Sam and Dave.

Get these jerks outta here.

I'm so proud of you.
I love when you hit people.

You got a lot of rules, Jules.

What a day.

First we visited our birthplace...

then we bought new clothes.

I got a bucket of ice and
a very good bottle of wine.

-Then we danced the waltz.
-Yes, we did.

-It's too bright.
-Then we got into a fight.

-We have this beautiful room.
-Perfect. Yes, it is beautiful.

Life just doesn't get better than this.

-Oh, yes, it does. Good night.
-Where are you going?

I'm gonna go tuck Linda in
and maybe read her a bedtime story.

Don't wait up for me.

Tonight is your night, bro

It's your night, bro

Oh, Vincent, you locked yourself out.

-I-Marnie.
-Hi.

-Hi.
-Vince and Linda wanna be alone...

so I'm afraid I'm gonna
have to stay here tonight.

You mean you're gonna sleep here tonight?
Uhhuh.

Which bed should I take?

Either bed will be fine.

I always sleep on the floo-

-Good night.
-Good night.

Julius.

-Good night.
-Good night.

-Oh, no.
-What?

-What's the matter?
-This bed is lumpy.

You mind if I share the floor with you?

You're teasing me, aren't you?

A little.

What do I do now?

We'll figure it out.

-Oh, Vince.
-Tonight is our night, bro

Why are you doing that now?

Mom hasn't seen me in all these years.

I wanna look my best.

Tonight -your mom's gonna
love you whatever you look like.

And you look really good.

I know, I know, I know, I know.

So like this. One, two, three.

Are you a little nervous?

27, 28, no, 29.

-Just a little.
-Nine, ten.

-Linda.
-What?

Like, what if she's disappointed in me?

If she's disappointed,
then she's a fake.

I don't know what else
a mom could want in a son.

-Huh?
-You're right.

You're right, you're right.
Why am I worried?

-What am I worried about?
-I don't know.

You got it all.

-I couldn't do this without you, Linda.
-Yeah.

You know, I've been thinking...

-that when we get back...
-Yeah?

I think we should move in together.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Oh, no, no.
-It's not 'oh, no.'

-It's not no, no, no, no, no.
-No, no, no, no, no, no.

I don't want to get married
and it's not that I wanna...

keep track of you,
because I don't need to.

I just wanna live with you.

It'd be fun.

Linda, look at me.

Do I look like somebody
who could play house?

I'm cranky in the morning,
I'm grouchy in the afternoon...

I'm moody at night, I'm like miserable.

I know what you're like.

Let's sleep on it, okay?
Sleep on it.

-Okay, one night.
-This is going to be great.

Tomorrow I'm taking my best girl
to meet my mom. I'm so excited.

-Your best girl?
-Yeah, you, you.

Linda, there's no other girls.
Not any more.

Yeah?

-Just you.
-There better not be. Know why?

-Why?
-'Cause I only have eyes for you

-That sounds familiar.
-It's a good song.

You like that song, huh?

Oh, it's huge.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Not to mention valuable.

Real estate like this
is worth a fortune.

You mustn't always think about money.

You got me all wrong, Julius.

I'm just saying it's nice mom's loaded.

That's a worry she won't
have to have in her old age.

Hello, can I help you?

-Yes, yes, yes.
-Oh, um, excuse me.

We are looking for
Mary Ann Benedict, please.

I'm sorry, but that's not possible.

Look, we've come a long way.

And believe me, she's gonna
be very happy to see us.

I'm sorry. You're gonna have to write to the
Benedict foundation stating your business.

I'm sorry. Good day.

-Foundation?
-Millions, Julius.

Mama's rich.
We gotta go see her.

Buckaroos.

-Let's get in there. We gotta talk to her.
-We sneak in.

-How is it?
-Yeah, it's clear. Throw me over.

Okay.

Vince? Vince, are you okay?

Yeah, shut up. Come on, come on.

What a lovely day.

Hey, Vincent, don't you
think this is mama?

It could be. Yeah.

Don't just stand there.
Go introduce yourselves.

Hey!

-Should you people be here?
-Uh-oh.

That depends on how you feel
personally about trespassing.

Does he always try
to be funny like that?

-We're looking for miss Mary Ann Benedict.
-Yeah.

Is she here?

Yeah, she's here.

She's here!

Sneaking in like that,
I should call the police.

No, no, no. You don't want
to do anything like that.

This is not your everyday,
average situation.

She's our mother, is the thing.

-We're her sons.
-Twin sons.

You're comedians.

No. -No. We-we're
kind of a surprise.

I'll bet you are.

Follow me.

-We were right.
-It is her.

Excuse me.

-We thought that this is-
-Mary Ann Benedict?

This is an artists' colony.
There are a lot of painters.

Come on.

I can't wait to meet her.

-Yeah.
-It's gotta be amazing.

Look. Mary Ann Benedict
never understood...

why people wanted to buy her paintings.

But for a brief period,
they were considered valuable.

She used the money
to buy Whispering Pines.

May I ask you a question?

Why do you keep referring
to her in the past tense?

Because...

she passed away some time ago.

She passed-

you jus-you just said
she was here.

I meant, her spirit.
Her spirit is always here.

Come on.

Can we get the hell
out of here, please?

Those damn real estate developers!

They won't be happy until
they turn this into a golf course.

Oh, is that who they were?

They're shameless.
They'll try anything.

Do you know those men claim
to be my twin sons?

-If you can believe that!
-What?

It was really quite upsetting.

Mary Ann, I am sorry.

It's all right.
It doesn't matter.

You get over things.

I did have a child once.

But he died at birth.

You should be proud of her.

She donates her house, land...

and all her paintings to young artists.

Linda, do I look like a
young artist to you?

-Vince, all she meant...
-I know what she meant...

and I know why she's here.

It's got nothing to do
with finding my mother...

and everything to do with money.

-That's not true and you know it.
-Bullshit!

Take it easy, Vincent.
This is not her fault.

Look who decided to chime in!

The creature from the black lagoon.

I should've had my head examined
listening to you in the first place.

A deal-of-a-lifetime
opportunity...

and I'm out looking for a dead mother.

All I wanted was to
make us into a family.

Family, my butt!

There's no family here.

There's nothin' here
except me and three losers.

I don't know why I listen to people.

All my life, I'm always listening to people

-I don't know why I do it.
-Cut it out.

Vince!

I'm leaving.

Stop! Please Vince!

Stop! You're acting
like a fourth-grader.

Where do you think you're going?

He dumped us in
the middle of New Mexico.

I can't-

Julius!

You don't know this...

and I promised Vince
that I wouldn't tell you...

but he's got something in
the trunk that's worth millions.

I'm worried he's gonna get
himself killed delivering it.

Okay, yeah. Yes, Mr. Beetroot.

Yeah, I'll find it. Yeah.

Yes, I have a map.

All right. I'll see you there.

See you in Houston in the morning.

I'll be looking forward to it.

What a coincidence.

That was our friend.

Looks like I'm gonna be
doing business with... him.

Sorry.

I would have done the same thing.

You want the merchandise.
It's not your problem who delivers.

Precisely.

But how will you find him?

I have him in my head.

Don't worry, ladies. I found
him once, I'll find him again.

I hope so. Bye.

Be careful.

Sorry I'm late.

-The directions you gave me weren't-
-Step back.

Get over here.

I'm unarmed.

He's clean.

Oh, oh. Isn't that pretty!

Yeah, it is.

-Did you come here alone, unarmed?
-Yeah.

You're just some fool who stole a car?

Yeah, I guess I am.

You don't know what
the hell this is, do you?

No.

Revolutionary fuel-injection
system for jets.

Worth a fortune to the company that
brings it to the market first.

Somebody else developed it,
but I just had to have it.

Crafty devil, huh?

What are you waiting for?

Wait a minute, Beetroot!

-I thought we had a deal.
-We do.

Five million bucks!

-You wanna count it?
-No, no.

-But I could use a lift to town.
-Don't press your luck.

Okay. That's all right.

I gassed it up for you,
Beetroot. Thank you!

Five million dollars!
Five million bucks!

Ha-ha-ha! Five million bucks!

I've gotta look at it!

Hey, Benedict!

All I want is the money.

Just give me what's mine
and I'll leave you alone.

Leave my brother alone.

No.

Julius.

No, no, no.

No, no.

Julius, you're-you're here?

No. No, you idiot.

Don't be nervous.

I hate violence.
Plus I never carry a gun.

Who are you?

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Put the gun down.
I got the money.

Here's your money.
Here's your money.

Here's the money.

You're a goddamned millionaire.

You, I am never
gonna forgive... never.

-Open it.
-Open it?

You were going to get killed.

I was trying to distract
him so you could escape.

I already had escaped!

I was halfway to Brazil
when I felt you!

-Close it.
-Close it?

Open it, close it.
Open it, close it.

-Why didn't you go?
-Why didn't I go?

Because thanks to you,
I'm not only a goddamned psychic-

Benedict!

-I think the case belongs to me.
-Oh, sorry.

I am not only a goddamned psychic, I
got this disease called a conscience.

-No one ever said being good was easy.
-'No one ever said being good was easy'

Will you two shut up!

Butt out, pal!
You got your money.

Now take it and go live in
the lap of luxury somewhere.

Try Brazil.

I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.
You've seen my face.

Which one's first?

You gonna kill us, even though
we gave you the money?

You got it.

Wait, you forgot the third rule
in a crisis situation.

-The third rule?
-Third rule?

Yeah, third rule.

Oooh!

-The third rule.
-What's the third rule?

Duck!

Yo!

Holy-shmoly!

Now there's a man
with a lot on his mind.

Thanks for coming back, Vincent.

We're brothers, right?

-We're family.
-That's right.

A rich family.

-A good family.
-What? What?

-We're gonna return this money.
-No.

-We don't have to give it back.
-Yes, we do.

-Why? Why?
-We have to, believe me.

-Mary Ann?
-Hmm?

I think you'd better come
take a look at this.

What is it?

Mary Ann?

What a pleasant surprise.

You stole my family.

You lying son of a bitch.

Linda, I'm sorry.

I made a terrible mistake
and I apologize.

I-all I'm asking for
is another chance.

I know I don't deserve this-

That's right, you don't deserve it.

Vince?

Yes, this is the Benedict corporation.

We are a consulting firm...
a think tank.

Something like the Rand Corporation.

-Only smarter.
-Only smarter.

Tomorrow at 3:00.

Yes, I'll put you down.

Good night, Mr. Benedicts.

-Good night.
-Good night.

That's it.
The last cheque is written.

What do we have left out of
the $50,000 reward?

After we've paid off all our debts...

we have exactly $12,278.

-$12,278. That's terrible.
-What?

You're just upset because
I made you return that suitcase.

Oh, the money.

You mean the four million dollars.

Four million dollars.
Just say it.

Say it... four million dollars.

It's a lot of money, Jules.

Vincent...
I'm very proud of you.

Well...

yeah, I'm kinda proud of myself.

Isn't it great to be one
of the good guys for a change?

It feels great to be a good guy!

You're a great guy, too.
You came back for me, huh?

-You did steal a car though.
-I borrowed one.

I brought it back the next day.
I explained it to the man.

He was a cowboy.

Excuse me? I'm-

Oh, my God. I don't even know
which one is which.

I'm sorry. I didn't know.

You see, I didn't believe your story.

Who would believe
a crazy story like that?

They lied to me all these years.

They lied to you, too.

You found each other.

Now you found me.

Mama?

Mama!

Mama!

Oh, mama!

Good.

Tickets?

Thanks. This is gonna be great.

I just can't get over
how alike they are.

Yes, it's a beautiful day.