Twin Beds (1942) - full transcript
Mike Abbott just wants to spend a quiet evening at home with his wife, but her collection of zany friends make hash of his hopes.
- Subtitles -
- Lu?s Filipe Bernardes
- Hello, Mike.
- Hello, Bruce.
Right on time.
- Is Julie inside?
- No, she hasn't arrived yet.
- She hasn't?
- No.
That's funny.
Uh-oh, photogtaphers.
Mr. Abbott, picture, please!
No pictures.
- Hello, Mike.
- Hello, Mike, best of luck.
- Hello, Lydia.
- Hello, Mike.
- Hello, Larky.
- Greetings, Mike.
- Hello, Larky.
- Hello.
- I wonder what's keeping Julie.
- Oh, don't worry about Julie, she'll be here.
Now, Larky, don't be so distressed.
It's a well-known fact there are one
and two thirds unmarried women...
...for every unmarried man
in the country.
Oh, I'm quite resigned to losing Julie,
after all, the best man won.
That's the spirit!
Thank you very much, Miss Bradley,
for what you've done,
...and I wish you every happiness.
You're doing a great service
for your country, Colonel.
You make it sound awfully impressive.
- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
Say, what...
- Julie!
- Mike, darling!
What's the idea of arriving
with the boys in uniform?
Do you realize you're holding up
my wedding?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, darling, but General
Lee dropped by just as I was leaving.
Well, don't tell me you've joined
the Army.
Of course not, silly, they came to see me
about the USO campaign.
They want me to help,
I just couldn't refuse.
I know, little Julie playing
big sister again.
Only you could become involved
on your wedding day.
- You aren't angry?
- I understand, darling.
Underneath all the bells
are ringing.
Give me a big smile, kids.
Nothing, doing, I have designs
on this young lady.
You don't have to explain it to me.
Thank you.
Julie, darling, I never saw you
look more beautiful.
Thank you, Larky, I've never
been happier.
- May I offer my congratulations?
- Oh, Lydia, how sweet of you to come.
I'm still trying to catch
a bride's bouquet.
Oh, Lydia, you must meet Mr. Larkin.
When I put Mike out of circulation, Larky
will be the most eligible bachelor in town.
I wouldn't be if Julie had said yes
to me instead of to Mike.
It was nip and tuck between
us all the way.
Mr. Abbott, we are ready
for the ceremony now.
- Goodbye, Miss Bradley.
- Oh, Mike.
Hey, you're supposed to meet
at the altar.
- I'm giving her away.
- Nothing doing, I don't trust you.
From here on in we're going
to be together.
Look, the bridegroom is bringing
the bride down the aisle.
It's wrong.
Wait until you see the car.
Tennis rackets, golf clubs,
polo mallets.
We're all set to drive into nowhere.
- Alone.
- Mike, we can't go on a honeymoon now.
What?
I promised Gen. Lee we'd help
with the campaign.
But, honey, I've got to get away.
I'm worn out. I've been chained
to that desk for two whole years.
I know, dear, but we can't
be deserters.
Julie, if you think that you're gonna
cheat me out of a honeymoon...
The important thing is our
being together, isn't it?
We don't need to prove it
with a honeymoon.
Certainly we do. We've got to have a
honeymoon, otherwise it's... it's not legal.
You're the handsomest
bridegroom I ever saw.
Don't you think that you're going
to flatter me out of this.
- I wonder what they're arguing about.
- I don't know. But I'm sure it's his fault.
I want you to know, Julie Bradley,
if we don't go on a honeymoon,
none of this counts.
But dear, remember the USO.
Alright, I'll go on a honeymoon myself.
If you think that...
- Mike!
- What?
- You should be on my right.
- I should be on a train if I had any sense.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
But it isn't right, it's indecent
and illegal.
I mean, if we get married
without a honeymoon...
What's the difference, we can have
a honeymoon at home, can't we?
Alright, but remember.
If we're not going away, there'll be
no parties, no guests, no nothing.
No parties, no guests, no nothing.
Oh, will you go ahead, please?
Before he changes his mind.
Dearly beloved...
Mr. Abbott. Mr. Abbott!
The next time you take a nap,
I suggest you close this key.
Key? Oh... key.
Mr. Hunter's on the wire,
he says it's urgent.
- The editor of the Daily Times.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
I did.
Hello?
Yes, this is Abbott.
What?
The crab apple king offers $10,000
to kiss Mrs. Abbott?
Miss Mac... I always did say
she was versatile.
Yes... well, just tell the king that I
consider his offer a very generous one.
And I'll be very happy to submit it to
Mrs. Abbott for her consideration.
Uh... yes...
Ten thousand dollars, that's a lot
of crab apples.
But, Mac, can you show me another woman who
makes herself more useful than Mrs. Abbott?
Useful to everyone except
Mr. Abbott.
The least I can do is cooperate
with her social activities.
Do you have to stay up all night
to cooperate?
You haven't had any sleep in the two
months since you've been married.
Mac, Julie is doing wonderful
work these days.
That's more than I can say for you.
Do you wish to see Mr. Minklevoss
or do you wish to go back to sleep?
I'll see Mr. Minklevoss
I've been waiting all day to see him.
Oh, Mrs. Abbott called.
- Why didn't you say so?
- I thought you needed the nap.
Not when Mrs. Abbott calls.
That's the trouble, there's no
management around here.
Right.
What do you think of this, Colonel?
"They're giving a lot.
Won't you give a little?"
Hello, USO.
Kisses for Soldiers Committee.
Go ahead, Marian, order ten thousand.
Just a second.
It's for you, Colonel.
Hello, Colonel Abbott speaking.
Oh, it's you, darling.
Yes, I did, I want to find out what you do
with that little black book of yours.
You know, the one with
all the blondes in it.
No, darling, I'm not jealous,
I'm simply going to find dates for
eleven hundred lonesome soldiers.
- Hello, USO. Kisses for Soldiers Committee.
- Oh, you did?
Oh, that's all right, I'll find someone
who hasn't burned his.
- It's for you too, Colonel.
- Who is it?
- Mr. Larkin.
- Okay, I'll take it.
Hello, Larky, hang on a moment, will you?
What did you say, darling, tonight?
Oh, I'm glad you reminded me,
the party's off.
Seems Bill Crane was hit by a golf ball
on the eleventh hole.
Oh... oh, why, the poor fellow.
Silly, isn't it?
Hello, Frances. Wait a minute, darling.
Not you, Larky. How'd you make out?
Not bad, there's $186 in cash and a very
cute customer owes me another twenty.
Never mind the fun, we want the cash.
I'm sorry, darling. What do you say
we go to Pierre's tonight for dinner?
Well, uh...
Um, darling, why don't we have
dinner at home just the two of us?
Yes, our first night alone together.
I'd love it, darling, but this is
the servants' night out.
That's perfect, don't worry about a thing,
I'll buy the food and cook it myself.
That'll be wonderful. Bye.
What? Of course I do, lots.
All right, Larky, I'm all yours.
What? No!
Why, that's wonderful.
Congratulations, this calls
for a celebration.
No, no, I'll take care of everything.
Just leave it to me.
Do you realize what it means
to have a wife all your own?
No, but I had two husbands
I couldn't afford.
Mac, just think. For the first time in two
months I'm going to have Julie all to myself.
No guests, no servants, just a
fireside, a twosome, and Julie and I.
What about Mr. Minklevoss.
No, Julie and I...
Minklevoss? Oh, yes, yes...
- Who else is waiting?
- Mr. Burroughs and Mr. Frasier.
I'll tell you what you do. Have Mr. Minklevoss
see Mr. Burroughs and you see Mr. Frasier.
While Mr. Burroughs and Mr. Frasier
are seeing Mr. Minklevoss,
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
- I beg your pardon.
- It's a pleasure.
- Good evening, sir.
- Lovely evening.
- 5th floor.
- The most stunning frock I've ever seen.
Really?
Pardon me.
Parmesan.
It's mink!
8th floor.
- Thank you.
- Quite a load, fella.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
Cook's night out, you know.
- Grocery boy!
- Good evening, sir.
- Who are you?
- I'm the butler, sir.
- Butler? I have no butler.
- I come with a party, sir.
You what... party?
I'm from Parties Inc., sir.
We're entertaining.
- What?
- Good evening.
- Hello.
- Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madam.
Good evening, sir.
- Give this to the cat.
- What cat, sir?
Oh, eat it yourself.
Mike, darling!
Thought you'd never get here.
I was doing a little marketing,
remember?
Mike, I'm so sorry, I tried
to reach you everywhere.
Larky phoned to say Lydia
had finally said yes.
Oh, so you whipped up a little
engagement party for them.
What else could I do, after all
they are our friends.
Haven't they any friends of their own?
- Mike, I hope you're not going to be upset.
- Now, listen.
A moment ago I arrived on the other
side of that door an eager, expectant man.
Bearing delicacies that would delight
the heart of a gourmet.
We were going to eat in the kitchen
with our slippers on.
And after that, we were going
to sit by the fireside...
...and finish that gin rummy game
we started five weeks ago.
And after that... oh, why go on?
Mike, you're an angel, I know you're
disappointed, but we mustn't be selfish.
I'm tired of being unselfish. Why for once
can't a wife mind her own business?
But I helped bring Larky
and Lydia together.
I know, you bought the ring,
arranged their honeymoon,
picked out their furniture and told
them where they were going to live.
- Mike...
- Then you topped it off with this...
...by inviting all that rabble!
- Shh, they'll hear you.
- I hope they do!
Ah, madame!
Tomorrow I shall send you another
thousand dollars for the USO.
Thank you, Nicolai,
that's very generous of you,
I'm so happy you could come
this evening.
Madame, an invitation from you
is a command.
A command that I adore to obey.
May I present Mrs. Cherupin?
Oh... how do you do, Mrs. Cherupin?
So nice of you to come
on such short notice.
A pleasure. I so wanted to meet the
woman my husband would pay $1,000 to kiss.
- Why?
- My dear, anything for the USO.
Almost any girl in the USA.
I feel as though I know you both,
living right above you as we do.
Yes, I understand our dogs
know each other quite well.
- Oh, yes...
- Oh, the maestro!
The king is here! The one
and only Cherupin.
Angelotski, angelotski!
Cherupin, I'm 8-A, you know,
apartment 8-A
Isn't it too wonderful? I mean, us both
living in the same apartment house...
...and never having met before.
- Very wonderful!
- Your concert last night just thrilled me.
Oh... personally, I find my singing
an unsufferable bore.
Oh, you mustn't say such things.
Why a woman will make
a fool of herself...
...helping a celebrity make a fool
of himself I'll never understand.
Did you have to invite them?
But darling, he sang at my luncheon,
I was obligated to invite them.
- Oh...
- Julie, darling.
Hello, Mike, I hope we're not late.
- Ah, the guests of honor.
- Well, Mike, congratulate me.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, Lydia, darling, I'm so happy.
Thank you, but you needn't
have gone to all this trouble.
Oh, it was no trouble at all, Lydia,
we've done so much more for you.
We bought you wedding rings,
selected your furniture,
found you an apartment
and arranged your honeymoon.
And now we're giving you
a party with a lot of people...
...neither one of you have ever
seen before.
How nice.
Lydia, dear, please go in, I want you
to meet the most charming Russian.
Oh, I'd love to meet all the guests.
- I wouldn't...
- Come on, you must meet them too.
- No, thanks.
- Well you can at least go in and say hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello. Hello.
Hello!
- Satisfactory?
- You're a perfectly charming host.
You...
Oh, Mr. Cherupin, you've got
to sing for us.
Who could resist such charming ladies?
Oh, you're a darling!
Quiet, please! Cherupin talking!
My friends, you say you'd enjoy
hearing me sing.
I too would enjoy my singing
if I didn't have to hear it.
You see, at heart I'm a dancer.
But who am I to argue against
the judgment of millions?
# O dolcezze perdute #
# O memorie #
# D'un amplesso che l'essere india! #
# Quando Amelia s? bella, s? candida #
# Sul mio seno #
# Brillava d'amor #
Nicolai, why did we come in here?
I want to show you some
of the more intricate steps.
- Nicolai, I think I'm tired.
- It'll pass.
Nobody can get ever tired
dancing with Cherupin.
She's tired!
- I beg your pardon.
- Mike!
The lady says she's tired,
t-i-r-e-d.
And so am I.
Sir, I will attend to your
impudence presently.
Madame, allow me to make
you comfortable.
You're so kind.
Monsieur Poochie, scram.
Thank you.
Pardone, signore.
Oh, Nicolai, you continentals are
so thoughtful.
Madame, now with your permission, I shall
put this intruder in his proper place.
- But of course.
- Madame.
Sir, your conduct and remarks
in the presence of this lady...
...reduce you to the level
of a jealous husband.
On the level?
Pardon me.
Madame, with your permission, I shall deal
with this Russian sable.
- As you wish.
- Madame.
Sir, you remind me of the man who lives
in the apartment below.
A man who awakens me every morning with
the most unholy assortment of vocal discord.
A man who's about to get
a punch in the nose.
Madame, could this be your husband?
- Could be.
- On the level?
But of course, I should have known that
only a husband could have such bad manners.
And such exquisite taste.
Oh, I could have knocked that bird
loose from his feathers.
No luck?
Well, anyway, I don't let you stagnate.
If you didn't have the gay evenings,
you'd be bored to death with the parties.
Well, I wouldn't know about that,
I've never had a quiet one.
Mike, from now on, I'll think only of you.
Oh, Julie, you know I'm crazy
about you.
I must say you don't make
yourself hoarse telling me about it.
Julie, darling you never
gave me a chance...
...to tell you that I love you more
than anything in the world.
Mike, if I tell you something,
will you promise not to divorce me?
- Uh-huh.
- I roped you in, hooked you.
- You didn't have a chance.
- That's what you think.
I saw your picture on my desk and I said
I'm going to marry that girl in a month.
- I only missed about five days.
- I know, dear, I sent you the picture.
Oh, gee, I hope Lydia and I will always
be as happy as you two.
So do I, Larky.
Well, there's only one way to ensure it.
Don't see too much of
each other alone.
Thanks, Mike.
- Have you seen Larky?
- Incessantly.
I hope you don't think that I'm being
unfaithful in marrying Lydia.
Where did you get that idea?
Well, I can't help feeling a little guilty.
You know how I've always felt about you.
But that's all over now, Larky,
I'm a married woman.
Yeah, I know, but still I'd hate
to have you think that I'm fickle.
Of course not, and I hope you'll both
be very happy.
There's, um... there's something else too.
I ought to have burned it,
but I just didn't have the strength...
Oh, my hanky, where did you get it?
- I bribed the laundry.
- You didn't!
Oh, Larky, you are sweet.
And remember, Julie, if you ever need me,
I'll always be there.
Right across the hall...
Right across what hall, or am I intruding?
Hello, Lydia, Larky and I were just talking
about that vacant apartment.
I thought it would be such fun
to be neighbors.
- I can see that.
- Yes, it's all settled.
She talked to the manager and we can
go in on the first, isn't that wonderful?
It certainly is. Have you decided
on the drapes yet?
Oh, Lydia, you don't understand.
Larky and I are such old friends,
I was only trying to help.
Oh, sure, she's always been like
a big sister to me.
I know, but if you don't mind,
from now on I'll do all the sistering.
You mean I'm gonna have
two sisters?
Perhaps after you're married,
Lydia will change her mind.
Oh, don't worry, my mind's made up.
I only wish you'd remember that when you
threw your bridal bouquet, Larky went with it.
Lydia, that's no way to talk
to the woman who brought us together.
I don't care, I trust nobody.
Come on!
But sweetheart...
The trouble with you, Larky, is you don't
know what you do to women.
Good evening, madam,
good evening, sir.
- Are you the manager?
- I'm Mr. Larkin, Mrs. Abbott's friend.
Oh, yes, I have the lease
all ready for you.
- You have, may I see it, please?
- Certainly.
I suppose you're the future Mrs. Larkin?
- I am.
- Why, darling, don't you like it here?
- No, I don't.
- Perhaps I can show you something else.
Not unless it's miles from here.
I've just the thing!
Our new building, the Park Vista.
All modern conveniences in most
reasonable rates.
- How far is it from here?
- Oh, it's twenty blocks at least.
- Fine, we'll take it.
- But, darling!
I like it here, it has a kind of
an atmosphere.
And if we don't take it,
Julie will be put out.
If she shows up at the Park Vista,
she'll be put out.
But, Lydia...
Atmosphere? Atmosphere.
Oh, Hello.
You're Mrs. Cherupin, aren't you?
- By marriage only. And you?
- Michael Abbott.
- Oh...
- My friends call me Mike.
- Oh, hello, Mike.
- Hello.
Now that the formality's over, don't you
think you might invite us for a little drink?
Oh, sure, I'm sorry.
Don't tell me it's dry
out there already.
Well, I wouldn't know.
I just don't like crowds.
- Oh... claustrophobia?
- No, husbandphobia.
That's a little subject I'd like
to take up with you.
Well, I warn you, you're putting him
at a distinct disadvantage.
Let's face it, you and I ought
to get together.
You know, we're both on the same boat and
it looks like there's a storm approaching.
Now, Mrs. Cherupin,
if you're going to insinuate that my wife
has any interest in your husband...
other than a purely...
Just so we understand each other,
I'd like to tell you something about
this romantic Romeo of mine.
When I first met him, he was a singing
waiter in a Brooklyn beer joint...
...making eighteen bucks a week
and left with the boss's wife.
- Charming.
- Hm!
I bought him some clothes,
got him a lot of publicity,
promoted a wealthy old boy into
being his patron,
- And?
- And now he's getting $2,000 a night,
three nights a week and I'm
getting nervous prostration...
...trying to keep him out of those
breach of promise suits.
Well, may I ask what all this
has to do with Julie and me?
- Okay, I'll cut corners.
- Then let's sit down while you do it.
You see, Nicolai is applause-conscious.
Especially when applause comes
from an attractive woman.
He thrives on admiration, and your wife is
both attractive and seems to admire him.
Why, that's ridiculous.
I know my Julie, and if you don't mind
my saying so,
I don't think that your husband
is just her type.
Well, you make me feel better,
but you still don't convince me.
Well, if you're so disturbed,
why don't you speak to her?
Speak to a temperament about
his infatuation?
Make him think you're opposed to it?
Oh, my friend, you don't know the
imagination of a so-called artiste.
Evidently I don't.
One word from me and he'd be
lying awake nights,
...picturing himself a marital martyr
and your wife a saint.
You and I would be the jailers
and then the next thing you know...
...he'd have her on a steamer
bound for Rio.
Oh, no, not my Julie.
Why, she won't even go on a trip with me.
No...
Oh, my potatoes.
Well, I don't think there's anything
to worry about yet.
You see, Nicky's romances always
follow a definite trend.
...and I know all the symptoms.
- Symptoms?
- Yes, he never changes his mind.
It's a warning sign when he starts
worrying about my figure.
- That's ridiculous...
- But the first real symptom is the conga.
Conga?
Everybody does the conga
more or less these days.
Yes, but that only indicates a trend,
like the approach of spring.
The first response to the stimulus
of beauty.
If what you say is correct,
I can't say that I blame him.
Julie's a pretty fair-looking girl,
you know.
The second symptom's far more serious.
I know, but it's nothing to worry
about... Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, what did you say it was?
It's when he starts cooking delicacies
for her husband.
Oh, he's a culinary expert too.
I suppose he does his seasoning
with arsenic, huh?
Ah, he kills them with kindness.
- What's the third?
- It's when he starts giving her camelias.
- Camelias?
- Specially when they're out of season.
And that's usually when I go into action.
You see, he starts out innocently enough,
but once he gets started he just can't stop.
That's quite a catalog.
And is there a fourth symptom?
Oh, I don't even want to mention
that fourth symptom.
When that happens, we are in trouble.
But you can't stop now.
What is it?
Well, just before the conquest,
he sings Pagliacci.
Pagliacci? I'd like to see him in action
some time, that must be funny.
Yeah, if we're not careful, you might.
Messieurs, mesdames.
My friend... You must always
be my friend.
I went to the restaurant in this building
and myself personally...
...prepared this dish for you.
It's fit for a king, and you, my friend,
you must always be my friend,
are the king.
Beware of Russians bearing gifts.
Umph!
Ah, my favorite dish.
Cheese souffl?.
With caviar!
- There's enough there for you.
- I know, won't you join me?
Oh, no, you misunderstand me, I said
I've already had enough to eat for two.
One and two, first and second,
that's the second.
Yes, I know, but it's cheese souffl?,
and I'm starving.
Mike, darling, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
Look what Nicolai gave me, camelias.
And that's the third, one, two, three.
Don't you think they're beautiful?
No, madame, you make them beautiful.
My friend, and you must always be my friend,
why don't you eat?
- I'm not going to like it.
- But you haven't even tasted it yet.
I don't have to taste it.
Mike, you must be hungry,
and Nicolai did go to all this trouble.
Oh, it's never any trouble
to do something for a friend.
- I'm not hungry.
- Well, perhaps I make you nervous.
- Yes, you make me very nervous.
- Mike!
Come, the gentleman wishes
to be alone.
- But it's impossible, we are friends, no?
- No!
- Mike Abbott, have you lost your mind?
- No, but I'm about to lose my temper.
- In Russian that means the party's over.
- But it is so sad to lose a friend.
Yes, I know, specially one you
never had. Come on.
Mike, you're a... How are we ever
going to ask him here again?
You can't! You've seen the last
of the Cherupins.
- We're moving.
- Moving?
- We're moving tomorrow.
- But, madam, what could have happened?
Nothing yet, that's why we're moving.
Oh... then it must be the atmosphere.
I never heard it called that before,
but you get the idea.
Yes, well, um...
We have a new building with
exclusive atmosphere.
If I had to do it over,
I'd throw them out again.
- You don't trust me.
- Will you stop harping on that.
Well, that's what's important.
But I've already apologized for it
in seven different languages.
Oh, Julie...
You didn't trust me.
What about those symptoms,
one, two, three, just like that?
Symptoms, what about our symptoms?
Suspecting me, a husband who
vowed to trust me.
Well, my imagination ran away
with me, that's all.
It certainly did, and you forgot
all about our good intentions.
And we certainly had the best,
hadn't we, dear?
Our home was going to be
just a haven for us.
Now look at the darn thing.
I did the best I could.
Hm.
Well, I guess I'm just an old grouch,
that's all.
We're probably divinely happy.
I'll tell you what.
I'll send them all wires of apology.
We'll have another party and...
...this time I'll enjoy myself.
I swear that I'll never distrust
you again... as long as I live.
- Listen, will you light?
- Very well, if I must!
Now you're being ridiculous.
If you're going to act like that,
we might as well have twin beds.
You talk as if you'd like twin beds.
Well, if you're going to keep
this up, I would.
Then maybe I could get some sleep.
I don't like twin beds.
- Why not?
- I don't care to discuss it.
Oh...
Julie, you mustn't cry.
Oh... oh, Mike.
Mike, dear, are you hurt?
No, no... Julie, darling, I might
have suspected you, but I adore you.
- It was all my fault.
- No, it wasn't.
Yes, I failed you, I shouldn't
have danced with Nicolai.
We should never have made that cheese
souffl?, I should have forgotten about it.
Everybody's a mess.
Darling.
Sonia.
Sonia, darling.
# Vesti la giubba e la faccia in farina #
What's that?
It's Nicolai singing Pagliacci.
That's it, that's it,
the fourth symptom.
- Mike, stop being silly.
- I have been silly.
You better take a good look at this place,
because it's the chance you get to see it.
- Tomorrow morning we're leaving here.
- Now, now, Mike, don't get excited.
I'm perfectly calm. I'm not gonna let
that Siberian wolf excite me!
Quiet!
Quiet!
# Tramuta i lazzi, lo spasmo ed il pianto #
That'll be all, Romeo.
Larky, darling, what are you
hanging up there?
Our wedding certificate, dear.
Is it straight?
It's time you unlimbered your high Cs
with a little practice,
I shall never sing again.
Oh, don't be an idiot. Get up and do
something for posterity.
- I don't like posterity.
- Alright, have it your own way.
If you won't do anything else,
why don't you take Ninotchka for a walk?
My soul is full of melancholy
and you ask me to walk the dog.
What do I do with this package, ma'am?
Oh, open it, please, it's the one
that came as we were leaving.
There's a note in it addressed to you.
- Want me to read it?
- Please.
"Dear lady,
Due to circumstances beyond
my control, we are moving.
As I fear I shall not see you again,
please accept this record which
I have recorded only for your ears.
Farewell from your heartbroken Nicky."
Just an eccentric admirer.
Come on, let's play it.
Come on, Poochie.
# Vesti la giubba e la faccia in farina #
# La gente paga e rider vuole qua #
# E se l'Arlecchin' t'invola Colombina #
# Ridi, Pagliaccio... #
- Well, what brought on this outburst?
# E ognun applaudir? #
# Sul tuo amore infranto #
Might as well stop singing that,
you're not going to see her again.
# Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor #
What are you sitting there
with your hands like that for?
Oh, I may play it again, I don't know.
Now that you've had your fun,
what about a few exercises?
Why exercise, why should...
Oh, exercise is a very sweet idea,
very good idea, my sweet.
Come on, Ninotchka, you and I are going
to walk. Yes, my baby, come on.
Au revoir.
Just be sure Ninotchka doesn't meet
any strange dogs.
- Mr. Abbott's apartment?
- It is, and all deliveries are in the rear.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
I'm Mr. Abbott.
Hm?
Well, it's you alright. That picture
must have been taken a long time ago.
- I suppose you're Nora.
- I have my mother's word for it.
Did Mrs. Abbott tell you not to have anything
to do with anybody in this building?
She did. And as far as I've been able to
look over the other tenants, disagreeable.
- Yo-ho, darling!
- Hello, sweetheart.
Many happy returns of the day.
Thanks, darling, but what's
the occasion?
To celebrate our new home.
Well, how do you like it?
Hm... it's all right, but...
You said you wanted twin beds.
Did I?
Oh, yes, dear, you said you wanted
to get some sleep, remember?
Oh, yes, I guess I did,
but I didn't really mean that...
You shouldn't say things
you don't mean.
Now darling, everybody says things
they don't mean... when they're angry.
Hello!
Hello... ahem.
Mr. Abbott, are you happy?
Happy? Who is this?
Well, um... this is the hospitality
desk, sir.
I believe you have a dog, sir?
Yes, I have a dog.
What of it?
Then we are at your service, sir.
Your little dog would love our
exclusive park...
...which is close by with its beautiful
flowers and friendly trees.
Well, thank you and thank the
hospitality department.
They have an exceptional park with
exclusively fine trees.
Good. Come on, Poochie.
Poochie!
Oh, Nora...
- I want this suit pressed.
- Just pressed, or cleaned and pressed?
Just pressed. And any time I leave
anything on this lounge, I want it pressed.
Suppose it should be dirty,
you want it just pressed?
- Of course not.
- That's why I asked you before.
You want it just pressed
or cleaned and pressed?
- Just pressed.
- Yes, sir, just pressed.
There you go.
Poochie!
Poochie! Poochie!
Ninotchka, you naughty dog,
what are you doing way over here?
Julie!
- Nicolai!
- Yes, so you found us.
But I... we hadn't been
looking for you.
Oh, you needn't explain these
things to me, my dear.
I understand, I should have done
the same thing.
It was very clever of you
to track us down so soon.
Don't tell me you're living
in the Park Vista too.
Hm-hmm. Come, sit down.
You must want to talk to me.
Look...
You know, I'm worried about
your Mr. Mike.
- You should be.
- Like all husbands, he's selfish.
- He wants you for himself alone.
- What else should he want?
Before anything he should want
to make you happy.
- Aren't you being a bit presumptuous.
- Cherupin the artist is never presumptuous.
But often misunderstood.
This is one of the times.
Dear lady, I only want to help
you to be happy.
O know exactly what you want.
Can you explain it to your husband?
I'm not going to explain anything to him,
it'll only make matters worse.
You're right, we shan't say
anything about your finding me.
That will be our risk. You and I,
Poochie and Ninotchka.
Nicolai, we mustn't, this is
no place to dance.
Wherever there is music
and a beautiful woman,
that's the place to dance.
Gentleman!
Ninotchka!
- Poochie!
- My monkey!
- Hello, darling.
- Oh, Mike!
I was afraid you were going
to be late for dinner.
Poochie went wild, I had to chase him
all over the park.
Why, Poochie, did you find
a new girlfriend?
I don't believe a word he says.
- You ready, darling?
- Won't be a minute.
Not bad cooking, huh?
That depends entirely on the standard
of camparison, Mr. Abbott.
You wouldn't like it if it was
wonderful, which it is.
An opinion is not necessarily a fact.
And a job is not necessarily
a permanent one.
- I haven't unpacked.
- That'll be all, sunshine.
Madame, dinner is served.
You must trust me as much
as I trust you.
I mean, risking your health
eating my cooking.
Oh, of course I trust you,
darling, I mean...
I had no idea you could cook like this.
You have no idea what bargain
you have for a husband.
As a matter of fact, you're married
to a man of many talents.
Mike.
You do love me, don't you?
I mean, really love me.
Now, Mrs. Abbott, that comes under
the heading of silly questions.
Then we'll always be together, won't we,
no matter what happens.
Of course we'll always be together
whether it happens or not.
Now you must eat something.
Thanks, darling... I mean,
yes, darling.
Oh, darling, you don't like my cooking.
Oh, yes, yes, I do, it's wonderful,
it's the best I've ever eaten.
# ...la giubba e la faccia in farina #
# La gente paga... #
Mike, your food's getting cold.
What's that?
That? That what, dear?
That... singing.
Oh... oh, that singing, it's...
- It is singing, isn't it?
- Yes, it is. That is singing.
Unless my ears deceive me,
it's too familiar.
In fact it sounds like a certain
Mr. Chirping Cherupin.
Yes, dear, it does sound like
Nicolai, doesn't it?
Sounds too much like him.
It's... it's probably just a record,
lots of people have them.
- Come on, dear, let's eat.
- Record?
Yes, we have one too.
- May I ask where we got it?
- Nicolai gave it to us.
- Huh?
- I don't know why.
He just did. I... I'll play it for you.
# ...che t'avvelena il cor #
Who is she?
- I was just playing.
- Yes, I know. Who with?
I don't know what you mean.
Whenever you sing and play for nothing,
it's for something.
- Who's the woman?
- Woman?
Oh, don't look so naive, Nicolai.
I know those sheep's eyes of yours.
I can tell it in your A-sharp minor.
- Can you really?
- Yes.
Well, just because I'm in a reminiscent
mood you say it's a woman.
I don't say it is. It is!
# Vesti la giubba e la faccia in farina #
# La gente paga... #
- When did you record that song?
- Last week.
- And who did you record it for?
- F-For posterity.
Posterity, nothing, you recorded it
for a woman!
Darling, why must you always
accuse me of these things?
Why must you always do these things?
I warn you, Nicolai, I'm getting
awfully tired of moving!
- You see?
- Yes, I see. I'm still not convinced.
Where are you going, dear?
Down to the hospitality desk
to see a man about a dog.
- Are you the manager?
- Yes, sir.
Would you mind giving me the name of the
gentleman in the apartment above me?
Above you, Mr. Abbott?
That's, um... 6-B.
Just a moment.
Mr. and Mrs. Ivan Jones.
Why should anyone be called
Ivan Jones?
This is America, the melting pot.
Confidentially, sir, the gentleman
is a famous Russian baritone.
- The name is fictitious.
- So is the gentleman.
It's been the same since we were married,
and I've been fooled for the last time.
- Mike, if you'd only listen.
- Listen? I've listened long enough.
I listened to that phony call
from the hospitality desk,
which they don't have,
and I listened when you told me
he sang for you at that luncheon.
I listened when he gave you the camelias,
in fact I've listened for the last time.
If only you let me explain,
you're making an awful mistake.
Oh, no, you're wrong, the whole thing
has been a mistake.
Michael!
If you walk out of that door,
you needn't ever come back.
Oh, Mike.
Hello.
Give me the florist, please.
Nicolai, what are you doing?
I am waiting for you, my sweet,
to finish so we can go to sleep.
Just as you told me.
Have I your permission, my only one,
to brush my teeth?
- You have.
- Thank you, my very own.
You're being awfully sweet
tonight, Nicolai.
And I don't like it.
Larky! Larky!
- Larky!
- Lydia, love, what is it?
There! A man!
Burglars? How dare they come
snooping around here.
Well, don't you worry, you just
leave everything to me.
I don't see anyone, my pet.
But there was a man there
at the window.
All right, dear, I'll go.
I'll go.
- Larky!
- Julie!
What are you doing here?
Well, I was...
...just passing by, so I thought
I'd drop in.
We live here also, in 4-B.
You mean you and Lydia live
in this building too?
Yes, it seems that we're neighbors.
Isn't that fine?
I'm not so sure.
And put that thing down
before you hurt yourself.
Oh, don't worry, it isn't loaded.
- I was just chasing a burglar.
- Burglar?
Yes, but everything's all right.
I didn't catch him.
Where's Mike?
- I don't know.
- Oh, Julie, you've been crying.
If Mike has been cruel to you,
I'll... I'll...
I wish he had been.
Oh, Larky, I'm so unhappy.
Oh, now, now, Julie, don't you worry.
I'll protect you always.
Larky! Larky!
Goodbye, now.
- Larky!
- Coming with you, love!
- Your call, sir.
- Thank you.
Julie, my little flower.
This is poor, lonesome Nicolai, and I hope
your poor, lonesome Nicolai.
What do you want, Nicolai?
I'm waiting for you in the cocktail bar.
Didn't you get my flowers or my note?
Now listen, Nicolai.
You must forget I live here...
...and I insist that you never
call me again.
But Julie, but Miss Julie,
But Mrs. Abbott, but...
- No answer.
- Very few people are home these days.
Please make me cossack's kiss.
- A cossack's kiss?
- Vodka, cointreau, lemon.
It is what one drinks to put together
the pieces of a broken heart.
And make me enough to fill
that big glass over there.
This glass full of anything will kill you.
What have got to live for?
Go ahead.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- Yes, sir.
- I gotcha, I gotcha.
- Thank you
- Let's go.
- Yes, sir.
- Just lean on me.
- Yes, sir.
- I've never dropped a man yet.
No, sir.
Now just... we'll make it.
- There now, you made it.
- What apartment, sir?
How should I know,
I just moved in here.
You must be Mr. Ivan Jones.
I am not Mr. Ivan Jones,
I am not even Mr. Jones.
What's more, I'll never be Mr. Jones.
Then you must be the other
new tenant, 5-B.
Must be 5-B, must be 5-B...
Must be 5-B, must be 5-B...
You mustn't wake up the good little wife.
She's the best little wife a man
could ever have.
Including his dog.
The last time I saw him, he came in here.
And he was wearing this.
Hm, very interesting.
Were his people Chinese?
- No, Russian.
- Pretty close, wasn't I?
- And I think he went out there.
- What is that?
- Well, what does it look like?
- Looks like a window. And that's the outside.
The minute you find him I want
you to phone me.
Do you have any suspicions as to where
your husband might be?
You see, the slightest clue
might help us.
Well, why do you suppose I called
your agency?
If I knew where he was,
I wouldn't need you.
That's right, isn't it?
But don't you worry, I'll find him.
And remember, I don't want
anything to happen to him.
- I'm saving that pleasure for myself.
- I understand, Mrs. Cherupin.
But your problems are over,
you leave everything to me.
- Hm, a very interesting case.
- Yeah, very.
- Anything else, sir?
- Just keep the glass filled.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
George, give me another one of those 10c
cigars you charged a quarter for.
They're pretty good, eh?
Pretty good.
- Howdy, neighbor. Taking a little trip?
- Hm-hmm.
Well, it does a person good
to get away sometimes.
A reason to get back again,
I always say.
My name's Touchstone,
Horace Touchstone.
- How do you do?
- I didn't catch your name.
- Um... Mike Abbott.
- Mike Abbott, sound American name.
- Married man?
- Yes, I'm married.
- Family?
- No, no family.
No family. I suppose you haven't
got around to it yet, but you will.
I suppose you know that a family's
the foundation of a country.
- Is it?
- You bet.
Just wait till you're married a while
longer and you'll see.
- I will, will I?
- I will, will I.
Say, that's pretty good.
Yes, sir, that's pretty good.
- You're going somewhere?
- Yes, I'm going somewhere.
Business, I suppose.
I'm in ladies' underwear myself.
I sell them I don't wear them, get it?
I get it.
I thought you'd enjoy that one.
Thanks.
Can I get you gentlemen something else?
- Same.
- Bring me a long glass of soda.
And put some ice and whiskey in it,
I expect to catch a cold.
Pretty good, huh, pretty good.
Pretty good train this one.
All streamlined and everything.
Reminds me of some of the
marriages nowadays.
You did say you were married,
didn't you?
Yes, I said I was married.
You look like a fellow that's anxious
to get home to the little woman.
I guess that's what make
you so nervous.
Take your hand...!
There's nothing like a happy
married couple, I always say.
The trouble nowadays,
folks are in such a hurry...
...they don't even take time to try
and make a go of their home life.
I bet if they did, there'd be a lot less
divorces and a lot more golden weddings.
Yes, sir. Many times a husband and wife
will do something they have no control over.
Then what happens?
Jealousy sneaks in the door.
And both go about hurting
the thing they love most.
The wife is miserable because most likely
she didn't do anything in the first place.
And the husband is miserable feeling that
his righteousness has been disturbed.
- Right?
- Right.
That kind of marriage deserves
to be broken up.
Right.
It's nothing but streamlined stubborness,
that's what it is. Streamlined stubborness.
That's pretty good, eh, pretty good.
Very good.
- Oh, George,
- Yes, sir.
What's the next stop and how soon
do we get there?
Albany. We're due there
in five minutes, sir.
How soon can I catch a train
that'll get me back to New York?
- Almost every hour, sir.
- Oh, good.
Well, thanks very much, neighbor.
As far as I'm concerned, you're pretty good.
Yes, sir, pretty good.
Pretty sound advice you gave
that young man, Mr. Touchback.
May I ask how long you've
been married, sir?
Married? Not on your life. I'm a bachelor
and I intend to remain that way.
I sell ladies' underwear,
I don't buy it.
Pretty good!
Mike.
Mike, you came back!
Mike, dear, wake up, it's 8 o'clock.
Oh, why didn't you awaken me
when you came in?
Silly, don't you know it's bad luck to have
an umbrella open in the house?
Oh, Mike, dear, I'm so happy. And even
though I didn't do anything,
I promise you I'll never never
do it again.
Come on, come to, it's a beautiful day.
Oh!
Oh! You!
What are you doing in here?
Have you been here all night?
I'm dying, she asking me riddles...
You get out! You get out this very minute,
you horrid man!
- Oh, my head!
- Get out!
Oh, no, no, no!
No, no...
Oh, my head.
Is that... are you all right?
No, no... I mean, yes, yes, I'm all right.
Everything's fine.
I just saw a nightmare...
I mean, I had a bad dream.
A very bad dream.
So he came back. They always do,
don't they?
Yes, they always do.
Can I get either one of you anything?
Uh.. no, thank you.
Yes, get a large pitcher of iced water.
That's all, Nora.
Oh, my head!
You've got to get out
of here right now!
You get up and get out, you awful man!
Oh, my head!
Will you please get out of here
before somebody sees you?
Oh, oh...
Oh, Mrs. Abbott!
Oh, I like you very much,
but not this morning.
Go home and come and see
me some other time.
Smell this, you Siberian wolf!
Mrs. Abbott...
I don't know what you're talking about
and I'm too sick to find out.
Take this and wake yourself up.
Put on your clothes and get out.
I'll wait in here and for heaven's
sake hurry.
You! What are you doing under the bed?
I told you to get out of here!
- Oh, my clothes, my head, I'm dying.
- Oh, I wish you were!
- What did you do with your clothes?
- I don't know. I want to go home.
Ih, if I knew what to do with you
afterwards, I'd strangle you!
Oh, Julie, this is no time to play games.
All I want is my clothes, and I can't
go home without them.
I'll get you one of Mike's suits.
I'm a tall 38.
Oh, with a very brick head.
Get up. Pull yourself together
and put these on!
Hurry!
Hello, Poochie.
- Mike's here!
- Who?
Shh! My husband.
- Mr. Mike?
- Yes, you've got to hide.
- Where?
- Anywhere!
- Where is anywhere?
- Go there in the chest!
- Oh, you can't put me in there!
- I can and I will.
- But I'm going to smother to death here.
That would be good. Hurry up.
Hello, Julie.
Oh, Mike.
Oh, Julie.
Mike, I'm so happy.
Julie, I've been a fool, a darn idiot.
No, no, it was all my fault.
If you'll just give me another chance,
I'll make it up to you, honestly I will.
Oh, if I hadn't been so silly.
How could I possibly think that you
could ever do anything wrong?
- Oh...
- What's the matter?
Oh, nothing... nothing's the matter.
I'm just so excited and happy
at seeing you again.
Oh, Julie, this has been a great
lesson to me.
From now on we start anew.
We'll build our marriage
on a basis of mutual trust.
And never let anybody or anything
come between us again.
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- I've missed you too.
What... what's the matter?
Nothing, I was just brushing
something off your coat.
- Are you all right?
- Yes... yes, I'm all right.
Yes... yes, of course I'm all right, I...
I'm just excited and, um...
Happy. That's it, I'm happy
that you came back.
Oh, you darling.
Hadn't you better go now?
Go? Where?
Go... go to the office.
Oh, darling, that's been our
great trouble,
I've been giving much too much of my time
to the office and not enough time to you.
- I'm going to stay home more.
- But you can't.
I mean... won't they miss you?
Well, they'll just have to get along
the best they can.
From now on my wife comes first.
- What about some breakfast?
- Breakfast? Oh, fine.
Fine, why don't you put on a robe
and some slippers and...
- Then we'll have breakfast together.
- Yes, that'll be wonderful.
I'll have Nora fix something right away.
Ow!
I'll keep him in there while you get
dressed, now please hurry.
- Julie, darling.
- Yes, dear.
Will you come here for a moment?
Of course, darling.
Please go!
Why does everything have
to happen to me?
I'm Mrs. Cherupin, I live upstairs.
- Oh?
- Where is Mrs. Abbott?
Last time I saw her she was
in the bedroom.
Kind of early, isn't it?
I'd have been here sooner,
only I just found out she was living here.
- Shall I tell her you're here?
- Never mind, I'll tell her myself.
Mrs. Abbott.
Mrs. Abbott.
Oy.
Mrs. Abbott.
Mrs. Abbott.
Oh, there you are.
I thought you were in bed.
Uh... no... I'm up.
- So it's Mr. Abbott then.
- Is it?
Is it?
I mean... oh, of course it is.
Poochie, Poochie, stop,
you'll wake him up.
Poor dear, he had such a late night.
So nice of you to pay me a visit.
Specially so early in the morning.
I'm surprised you knew I lived here.
Aren't you? Shall we go in the drawing
room, it's more comfortable.
- Where's my husband?
- Your husband?
- Well how should I know?
- Well, you...
If you don't mind waiting in here,
I'll be with you in just a minute.
Poochie, stop being a bloodhound.
- What are you doing in my bed?
- I heard her coming, I had to hide.
Why didn't you get in
the clothes and get out?
- The clothes are gone.
- Gone?
- Gone where?
- I don't know.
Well, you can't stay in there,
you've got to get back in the chest...
- No, not that!
- Oh, Julie!
- Did you say something, dear?
- Yes, dear.
- No, dear.
- Oh, all right, precious.
I want to go home.
You've got to stay out of sight until
my husband and your wife leave!
- Mrs. Abbott!
- Coming.
- There was something I just had to do.
- Yes, I understand.
I'm sorry I barged in on you like this.
But you see, my husband hasn't
been home all night.
Then when I found out you
were living here, I... I...
Well, it upset me.
Mrs. Cherupin, there's one thing
you must understand,
your husband means absolutely
nothing to me, absolutely nothing.
And if I were sure I was never
going to see him again,
I'd be the happiest person on earth.
Well, maybe I was wrong.
- Yes...
- But you know, hell hath no fury, and...
I guess I'm just about the most furious
person you'll ever see when it comes to Nicky.
Maybe something happened to him,
maybe he's a victim of circumstances,
maybe he could explain everything
if you give him a chance.
Oh, no, Mrs. Abbott, I know my Nicky.
I've a detective on his trail.
And from now on his love song's
going to be his swan song.
- Will you be much longer, dear?
- Just a few more minutes, darling,
Thank you.
Your wife's got a detective after you,
she's after you too, my husband's home and I...
Can't you do something?
But, Julie, do you think I'm enjoying this,
what can I do?
- Julie!
- Get back, get back!
If I have to stay in here,
can I at least have a fan?
Julie, will you ask Nora to have
this pressed?
- Yes, dear.
- Julie... aren't you happy?
Y-Yes... I'm very happy.
By the way, Julie, have you seen
my gray plaid suit?
- Your... your gray plaid suit?
- Yeah.
Oh, your gray plaid suit. Maybe Nora
sent it to the cleaner's.
But it didn't need cleaning.
I told Nora specifically...
...not to take anything unless
I left it on the chaise longue.
Now, dear, don't worry, I'll have a
talk with her and you go take your shower.
Well, all right, I'll be back in a minute.
I'm giving you one last chance,
otherwise I'm going to tell my husband
and I don't care what he does to you...
...or what he does to me.
Now, will you go?
But I'd love to go, Julie,
but I can't go this way.
- Here, take these.
- Thank you.
And don't let anything happen this time.
- Julie!
- Yes, dear?
Say, what's going on around this house,
a game of hide and seek?
- What?
- Where do you keep your bath towels?
Oh, oh... oh...
They're... they're in the dressing room.
I'll get them.
You get back in there before
you catch cold.
Get those on and get out!
Here's your towel, Mike.
- Thanks, Julie,
- Can I get you anything else?
No, dear.
- Now what are you doing?
- I'm looking for something to wear.
What did you do with the blue
suit I just gave you?
It disappeared off the chaise longue
with the pajamas.
Clothes or no clothes,
you're gonna get out of here.
But if my wife sees me like this,
what will I tell her?
Tell her you were playing strip poker.
- Julie!
- Coming!
Goodbye.
Thanks for the use of your bed.
- Julie.
- Huh?
Remind me to tell you that I'm the happiest
and luckiest person in the world.
Oh, no, Mike, you may be the happiest,
but I'm the luckiest.
Next time you go burglar-hunting
in a strange apartment,
I'm going with you.
Yes, Lydia, dear.
The burglar!
- Take off your clothes.
- What?
Shh! You are not to talk to me,
you have to whisper. Take off your clothes.
Give me that gun, don't turn around.
- Can't we talk this over, mister?
- No talk! Take off your pants!
Keep moving.
Open that door.
Get inside.
- But...
- No buts!
Larky!
Larky, dear, where are you?
Julie!
Julie.
Keep it quiet or I'll let you have it,
you old rat!
Oh, Mrs. Abbott, the detective just phoned
and said my husband was right here.
- In this building.
- Oh, really?
Well, you shouldn't be so suspicious.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he were
in your own apartment this very minute.
That's probably what the detective meant.
- Help!
- Quiet, you!
Julie!
Come in.
Oh, so it's you.
Where have you been?
Mr. Abbott, do you always carry
an umbrella? I mean...
do you have to walk around without
any clothes on?
What? But I don't know what you're
talking about, then don't tell me!
Now, what did you do with my
gray plaid suit?
- I sent it to the cleaner's.
- The cleaner's?
I told you never to send anything out
unless I put it on the chaise longue!
- You did, sir, and I did, sir.
- You did, sir... what?
Mr. Abbott, there's no reason why
you have to take out your hangover on me.
You put your clothes on the chaise longue
and I sent them to the cleaner's
- My gray plaid suit?
- Yes, sir.
Along with your blue suit
and your full dress.
My full dress?
Mr. Abbott, could I fix you a pick-me-up?
I don't want a pick-me-up!
Oh, I just thought that the hair
of the dog that bit you might help you.
Oh, thanks, now tell me which
suits did you send out?
Your gray plaid suit, your blue suit
and your full dress, also your pajamas.
Which I didn't send to the cleaner's
waiting for the laundry service.
My pajamas and full dress,
I haven't had tails on in months!
Mr. Abbott, I've been to enough funerals
to know a full-dress suit when I see one.
Oh, listen, listen, for the last time,
will you tell me...
Mr. Abbott, could I fix you a pick-me-up?
One of us is nuts!
And how.
Julie, I tell you that maid is crazy
and she's got to go.
- Oh, Mike, please control yourself.
- Control myself?
Why, she's out there trying to make me
believe that I slept here last night.
- Well, didn't you?
- I did not...
- Where did you come from?
- You mean you weren't in that bed?
No!
What do you care? Wh...
- Is Mrs. Cherupin here?
- Yes, yes, I think she is.
This gentleman wants to speak to you.
We've traced your husband,
we have him trapped.
- You have?
- Yes, Ma'am, we never fail.
- He's right here in this apartment.
- Here, impossible! I saw him leave...
- I mean... oh, that's impossible.
- We'll just make sure.
I'll make sure!
Yoohoo, Larky!
Larky!
- What's in there?
- A bathroom and a dressing room.
- Well, he's not around here.
- Not there either.
Pardon me, but has anyone here
seen a husband, I mean, mine?
Lydia, darling, how nice of you
to drop in.
I might have know you were living here.
And to what may we attribute this
unexpected and most unusual call?
I'm looking for my husband.
He was up here last night...
...and the first moment I turn my back
this morning, he's gone.
This is so silly, what would I be
doing with your husband?
I have one of my own,
haven't I, dear?
How do you know your husband
was here last night?
He told me so.
Oh, that's what Nora meant
about the pajamas.
You see?
You're making so much noise the
neighbors are complaining.
Oh... why don't you all leave?
Help, help, help!
Please, Mike, make them go,
they don't know what they're saying.
You're not fooling me, Mrs. Abbott,
you're hiding my husband in there!
Mrs. Abbott, you're not fooling me either,
you're hiding my husband in there.
Michael, there isn't anybody in there
and if there were, how would I know?
Oh, I'll handle this.
- There!
- Oh, Larky!
Lydia!
Oh, Larky, how disgraceful,
where are you clothes?
Oh, Larky!
I could have sworn it was him.
But how could a guy shrink that much?
Now, Julie,
why didn't you tell me that you locked him in
the wardrobe and that he'd spent the night here?
Oh, Mike, this is as big a surprise
to me as it is to you.
Why, Nora told me that he
slept here last night...
...and not only that but he
wore my pajamas.
Mike, you don't know
what you're saying.
Oh, don't I? Well, maybe you can
explain where his clothes are.
Or perhaps that's what the well-dressed
Lothario wears this season.
I think you're all being unfair to Julie.
I came here last night looking
for a burglar.
Why didn't you tell me
you found Julie?
Yes, why didn't you tell her.
- Well, I... I...
- You see?
And where were you when
she needed you most?
I found her here all by
herself and crying.
- I... I...
- There, you see?
Sorry for intruding, Mr. Abbott,
following your instructions,
are these intended to the laundry
or are you going to wear them?
- I'm gonna wear them!
- Well, I just want to make sure.
but if you ask me, you're gonna
look awfully silly in them.
Those are my clothes. You see, I told you.
The burglar stuck two guns in my back, made
me undress and locked me in the wardrobe.
Darling, I know what you're think
of me and you're absolutely right.
I've always know that you're the most
honest and sincere person in the world.
And you're not angry with me,
are you?
Angry, of course not, Mike,
why should I be angry?
Why should anybody be angry
at anybody?
Julie, I do hope you'll forgive me.
I don't know what to say, Mrs. Abbott,
it's just my suspicious nature, I guess.
Oh, I'm sure you'll find your husband at home
and you'll forgive him like I forgive mine.
I feel a little jumpy, don't you?
Shall we all go in the drawing room,
something or other?
Well, I suppose you'll all be going now.
Good night... I mean, good morning.
Excuse me!
Hello, mama, looking for me?
You, you, you!
- The burglar!
- Let me at him!
Wait! This is my job, I'll handle him!
Please, mama, let him handle me.
- We're moving.
- So are we!
And we!
Darling, are you going to believe
what you saw or what I tell you?
Oh, Mike, if you'd only try
to understand.
I do understand as far as
a halfwit's concerned.
I admit Nicolai was here last night.
He'd been drinking.
He thought this was his apartment.
He slept in your bed,
but I didn't know, believe me, I didn't.
Oh, Mike, this never could have happened
if it hadn't been for those awful twin beds.
Julie, perhaps you're right. Perhaps we should
have pushed them together.
Tell you what. We'll move back
to our old apartment,
and leave all our troubles behind us
including Pagliacci.
Yes, Mike.
# Sul tuo amore infranto #
# Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor #
- Subtitles -
- Lu?s Filipe Bernardes
- Lu?s Filipe Bernardes
- Hello, Mike.
- Hello, Bruce.
Right on time.
- Is Julie inside?
- No, she hasn't arrived yet.
- She hasn't?
- No.
That's funny.
Uh-oh, photogtaphers.
Mr. Abbott, picture, please!
No pictures.
- Hello, Mike.
- Hello, Mike, best of luck.
- Hello, Lydia.
- Hello, Mike.
- Hello, Larky.
- Greetings, Mike.
- Hello, Larky.
- Hello.
- I wonder what's keeping Julie.
- Oh, don't worry about Julie, she'll be here.
Now, Larky, don't be so distressed.
It's a well-known fact there are one
and two thirds unmarried women...
...for every unmarried man
in the country.
Oh, I'm quite resigned to losing Julie,
after all, the best man won.
That's the spirit!
Thank you very much, Miss Bradley,
for what you've done,
...and I wish you every happiness.
You're doing a great service
for your country, Colonel.
You make it sound awfully impressive.
- Well, good luck.
- Thank you.
Say, what...
- Julie!
- Mike, darling!
What's the idea of arriving
with the boys in uniform?
Do you realize you're holding up
my wedding?
Oh, I'm terribly sorry, darling, but General
Lee dropped by just as I was leaving.
Well, don't tell me you've joined
the Army.
Of course not, silly, they came to see me
about the USO campaign.
They want me to help,
I just couldn't refuse.
I know, little Julie playing
big sister again.
Only you could become involved
on your wedding day.
- You aren't angry?
- I understand, darling.
Underneath all the bells
are ringing.
Give me a big smile, kids.
Nothing, doing, I have designs
on this young lady.
You don't have to explain it to me.
Thank you.
Julie, darling, I never saw you
look more beautiful.
Thank you, Larky, I've never
been happier.
- May I offer my congratulations?
- Oh, Lydia, how sweet of you to come.
I'm still trying to catch
a bride's bouquet.
Oh, Lydia, you must meet Mr. Larkin.
When I put Mike out of circulation, Larky
will be the most eligible bachelor in town.
I wouldn't be if Julie had said yes
to me instead of to Mike.
It was nip and tuck between
us all the way.
Mr. Abbott, we are ready
for the ceremony now.
- Goodbye, Miss Bradley.
- Oh, Mike.
Hey, you're supposed to meet
at the altar.
- I'm giving her away.
- Nothing doing, I don't trust you.
From here on in we're going
to be together.
Look, the bridegroom is bringing
the bride down the aisle.
It's wrong.
Wait until you see the car.
Tennis rackets, golf clubs,
polo mallets.
We're all set to drive into nowhere.
- Alone.
- Mike, we can't go on a honeymoon now.
What?
I promised Gen. Lee we'd help
with the campaign.
But, honey, I've got to get away.
I'm worn out. I've been chained
to that desk for two whole years.
I know, dear, but we can't
be deserters.
Julie, if you think that you're gonna
cheat me out of a honeymoon...
The important thing is our
being together, isn't it?
We don't need to prove it
with a honeymoon.
Certainly we do. We've got to have a
honeymoon, otherwise it's... it's not legal.
You're the handsomest
bridegroom I ever saw.
Don't you think that you're going
to flatter me out of this.
- I wonder what they're arguing about.
- I don't know. But I'm sure it's his fault.
I want you to know, Julie Bradley,
if we don't go on a honeymoon,
none of this counts.
But dear, remember the USO.
Alright, I'll go on a honeymoon myself.
If you think that...
- Mike!
- What?
- You should be on my right.
- I should be on a train if I had any sense.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
But it isn't right, it's indecent
and illegal.
I mean, if we get married
without a honeymoon...
What's the difference, we can have
a honeymoon at home, can't we?
Alright, but remember.
If we're not going away, there'll be
no parties, no guests, no nothing.
No parties, no guests, no nothing.
Oh, will you go ahead, please?
Before he changes his mind.
Dearly beloved...
Mr. Abbott. Mr. Abbott!
The next time you take a nap,
I suggest you close this key.
Key? Oh... key.
Mr. Hunter's on the wire,
he says it's urgent.
- The editor of the Daily Times.
- Oh, why didn't you say so?
I did.
Hello?
Yes, this is Abbott.
What?
The crab apple king offers $10,000
to kiss Mrs. Abbott?
Miss Mac... I always did say
she was versatile.
Yes... well, just tell the king that I
consider his offer a very generous one.
And I'll be very happy to submit it to
Mrs. Abbott for her consideration.
Uh... yes...
Ten thousand dollars, that's a lot
of crab apples.
But, Mac, can you show me another woman who
makes herself more useful than Mrs. Abbott?
Useful to everyone except
Mr. Abbott.
The least I can do is cooperate
with her social activities.
Do you have to stay up all night
to cooperate?
You haven't had any sleep in the two
months since you've been married.
Mac, Julie is doing wonderful
work these days.
That's more than I can say for you.
Do you wish to see Mr. Minklevoss
or do you wish to go back to sleep?
I'll see Mr. Minklevoss
I've been waiting all day to see him.
Oh, Mrs. Abbott called.
- Why didn't you say so?
- I thought you needed the nap.
Not when Mrs. Abbott calls.
That's the trouble, there's no
management around here.
Right.
What do you think of this, Colonel?
"They're giving a lot.
Won't you give a little?"
Hello, USO.
Kisses for Soldiers Committee.
Go ahead, Marian, order ten thousand.
Just a second.
It's for you, Colonel.
Hello, Colonel Abbott speaking.
Oh, it's you, darling.
Yes, I did, I want to find out what you do
with that little black book of yours.
You know, the one with
all the blondes in it.
No, darling, I'm not jealous,
I'm simply going to find dates for
eleven hundred lonesome soldiers.
- Hello, USO. Kisses for Soldiers Committee.
- Oh, you did?
Oh, that's all right, I'll find someone
who hasn't burned his.
- It's for you too, Colonel.
- Who is it?
- Mr. Larkin.
- Okay, I'll take it.
Hello, Larky, hang on a moment, will you?
What did you say, darling, tonight?
Oh, I'm glad you reminded me,
the party's off.
Seems Bill Crane was hit by a golf ball
on the eleventh hole.
Oh... oh, why, the poor fellow.
Silly, isn't it?
Hello, Frances. Wait a minute, darling.
Not you, Larky. How'd you make out?
Not bad, there's $186 in cash and a very
cute customer owes me another twenty.
Never mind the fun, we want the cash.
I'm sorry, darling. What do you say
we go to Pierre's tonight for dinner?
Well, uh...
Um, darling, why don't we have
dinner at home just the two of us?
Yes, our first night alone together.
I'd love it, darling, but this is
the servants' night out.
That's perfect, don't worry about a thing,
I'll buy the food and cook it myself.
That'll be wonderful. Bye.
What? Of course I do, lots.
All right, Larky, I'm all yours.
What? No!
Why, that's wonderful.
Congratulations, this calls
for a celebration.
No, no, I'll take care of everything.
Just leave it to me.
Do you realize what it means
to have a wife all your own?
No, but I had two husbands
I couldn't afford.
Mac, just think. For the first time in two
months I'm going to have Julie all to myself.
No guests, no servants, just a
fireside, a twosome, and Julie and I.
What about Mr. Minklevoss.
No, Julie and I...
Minklevoss? Oh, yes, yes...
- Who else is waiting?
- Mr. Burroughs and Mr. Frasier.
I'll tell you what you do. Have Mr. Minklevoss
see Mr. Burroughs and you see Mr. Frasier.
While Mr. Burroughs and Mr. Frasier
are seeing Mr. Minklevoss,
I'll see you tomorrow morning.
- I beg your pardon.
- It's a pleasure.
- Good evening, sir.
- Lovely evening.
- 5th floor.
- The most stunning frock I've ever seen.
Really?
Pardon me.
Parmesan.
It's mink!
8th floor.
- Thank you.
- Quite a load, fella.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thanks very much.
Cook's night out, you know.
- Grocery boy!
- Good evening, sir.
- Who are you?
- I'm the butler, sir.
- Butler? I have no butler.
- I come with a party, sir.
You what... party?
I'm from Parties Inc., sir.
We're entertaining.
- What?
- Good evening.
- Hello.
- Good evening, sir.
Good evening, madam.
Good evening, sir.
- Give this to the cat.
- What cat, sir?
Oh, eat it yourself.
Mike, darling!
Thought you'd never get here.
I was doing a little marketing,
remember?
Mike, I'm so sorry, I tried
to reach you everywhere.
Larky phoned to say Lydia
had finally said yes.
Oh, so you whipped up a little
engagement party for them.
What else could I do, after all
they are our friends.
Haven't they any friends of their own?
- Mike, I hope you're not going to be upset.
- Now, listen.
A moment ago I arrived on the other
side of that door an eager, expectant man.
Bearing delicacies that would delight
the heart of a gourmet.
We were going to eat in the kitchen
with our slippers on.
And after that, we were going
to sit by the fireside...
...and finish that gin rummy game
we started five weeks ago.
And after that... oh, why go on?
Mike, you're an angel, I know you're
disappointed, but we mustn't be selfish.
I'm tired of being unselfish. Why for once
can't a wife mind her own business?
But I helped bring Larky
and Lydia together.
I know, you bought the ring,
arranged their honeymoon,
picked out their furniture and told
them where they were going to live.
- Mike...
- Then you topped it off with this...
...by inviting all that rabble!
- Shh, they'll hear you.
- I hope they do!
Ah, madame!
Tomorrow I shall send you another
thousand dollars for the USO.
Thank you, Nicolai,
that's very generous of you,
I'm so happy you could come
this evening.
Madame, an invitation from you
is a command.
A command that I adore to obey.
May I present Mrs. Cherupin?
Oh... how do you do, Mrs. Cherupin?
So nice of you to come
on such short notice.
A pleasure. I so wanted to meet the
woman my husband would pay $1,000 to kiss.
- Why?
- My dear, anything for the USO.
Almost any girl in the USA.
I feel as though I know you both,
living right above you as we do.
Yes, I understand our dogs
know each other quite well.
- Oh, yes...
- Oh, the maestro!
The king is here! The one
and only Cherupin.
Angelotski, angelotski!
Cherupin, I'm 8-A, you know,
apartment 8-A
Isn't it too wonderful? I mean, us both
living in the same apartment house...
...and never having met before.
- Very wonderful!
- Your concert last night just thrilled me.
Oh... personally, I find my singing
an unsufferable bore.
Oh, you mustn't say such things.
Why a woman will make
a fool of herself...
...helping a celebrity make a fool
of himself I'll never understand.
Did you have to invite them?
But darling, he sang at my luncheon,
I was obligated to invite them.
- Oh...
- Julie, darling.
Hello, Mike, I hope we're not late.
- Ah, the guests of honor.
- Well, Mike, congratulate me.
- Congratulations.
- Oh, Lydia, darling, I'm so happy.
Thank you, but you needn't
have gone to all this trouble.
Oh, it was no trouble at all, Lydia,
we've done so much more for you.
We bought you wedding rings,
selected your furniture,
found you an apartment
and arranged your honeymoon.
And now we're giving you
a party with a lot of people...
...neither one of you have ever
seen before.
How nice.
Lydia, dear, please go in, I want you
to meet the most charming Russian.
Oh, I'd love to meet all the guests.
- I wouldn't...
- Come on, you must meet them too.
- No, thanks.
- Well you can at least go in and say hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello. Hello.
Hello!
- Satisfactory?
- You're a perfectly charming host.
You...
Oh, Mr. Cherupin, you've got
to sing for us.
Who could resist such charming ladies?
Oh, you're a darling!
Quiet, please! Cherupin talking!
My friends, you say you'd enjoy
hearing me sing.
I too would enjoy my singing
if I didn't have to hear it.
You see, at heart I'm a dancer.
But who am I to argue against
the judgment of millions?
# O dolcezze perdute #
# O memorie #
# D'un amplesso che l'essere india! #
# Quando Amelia s? bella, s? candida #
# Sul mio seno #
# Brillava d'amor #
Nicolai, why did we come in here?
I want to show you some
of the more intricate steps.
- Nicolai, I think I'm tired.
- It'll pass.
Nobody can get ever tired
dancing with Cherupin.
She's tired!
- I beg your pardon.
- Mike!
The lady says she's tired,
t-i-r-e-d.
And so am I.
Sir, I will attend to your
impudence presently.
Madame, allow me to make
you comfortable.
You're so kind.
Monsieur Poochie, scram.
Thank you.
Pardone, signore.
Oh, Nicolai, you continentals are
so thoughtful.
Madame, now with your permission, I shall
put this intruder in his proper place.
- But of course.
- Madame.
Sir, your conduct and remarks
in the presence of this lady...
...reduce you to the level
of a jealous husband.
On the level?
Pardon me.
Madame, with your permission, I shall deal
with this Russian sable.
- As you wish.
- Madame.
Sir, you remind me of the man who lives
in the apartment below.
A man who awakens me every morning with
the most unholy assortment of vocal discord.
A man who's about to get
a punch in the nose.
Madame, could this be your husband?
- Could be.
- On the level?
But of course, I should have known that
only a husband could have such bad manners.
And such exquisite taste.
Oh, I could have knocked that bird
loose from his feathers.
No luck?
Well, anyway, I don't let you stagnate.
If you didn't have the gay evenings,
you'd be bored to death with the parties.
Well, I wouldn't know about that,
I've never had a quiet one.
Mike, from now on, I'll think only of you.
Oh, Julie, you know I'm crazy
about you.
I must say you don't make
yourself hoarse telling me about it.
Julie, darling you never
gave me a chance...
...to tell you that I love you more
than anything in the world.
Mike, if I tell you something,
will you promise not to divorce me?
- Uh-huh.
- I roped you in, hooked you.
- You didn't have a chance.
- That's what you think.
I saw your picture on my desk and I said
I'm going to marry that girl in a month.
- I only missed about five days.
- I know, dear, I sent you the picture.
Oh, gee, I hope Lydia and I will always
be as happy as you two.
So do I, Larky.
Well, there's only one way to ensure it.
Don't see too much of
each other alone.
Thanks, Mike.
- Have you seen Larky?
- Incessantly.
I hope you don't think that I'm being
unfaithful in marrying Lydia.
Where did you get that idea?
Well, I can't help feeling a little guilty.
You know how I've always felt about you.
But that's all over now, Larky,
I'm a married woman.
Yeah, I know, but still I'd hate
to have you think that I'm fickle.
Of course not, and I hope you'll both
be very happy.
There's, um... there's something else too.
I ought to have burned it,
but I just didn't have the strength...
Oh, my hanky, where did you get it?
- I bribed the laundry.
- You didn't!
Oh, Larky, you are sweet.
And remember, Julie, if you ever need me,
I'll always be there.
Right across the hall...
Right across what hall, or am I intruding?
Hello, Lydia, Larky and I were just talking
about that vacant apartment.
I thought it would be such fun
to be neighbors.
- I can see that.
- Yes, it's all settled.
She talked to the manager and we can
go in on the first, isn't that wonderful?
It certainly is. Have you decided
on the drapes yet?
Oh, Lydia, you don't understand.
Larky and I are such old friends,
I was only trying to help.
Oh, sure, she's always been like
a big sister to me.
I know, but if you don't mind,
from now on I'll do all the sistering.
You mean I'm gonna have
two sisters?
Perhaps after you're married,
Lydia will change her mind.
Oh, don't worry, my mind's made up.
I only wish you'd remember that when you
threw your bridal bouquet, Larky went with it.
Lydia, that's no way to talk
to the woman who brought us together.
I don't care, I trust nobody.
Come on!
But sweetheart...
The trouble with you, Larky, is you don't
know what you do to women.
Good evening, madam,
good evening, sir.
- Are you the manager?
- I'm Mr. Larkin, Mrs. Abbott's friend.
Oh, yes, I have the lease
all ready for you.
- You have, may I see it, please?
- Certainly.
I suppose you're the future Mrs. Larkin?
- I am.
- Why, darling, don't you like it here?
- No, I don't.
- Perhaps I can show you something else.
Not unless it's miles from here.
I've just the thing!
Our new building, the Park Vista.
All modern conveniences in most
reasonable rates.
- How far is it from here?
- Oh, it's twenty blocks at least.
- Fine, we'll take it.
- But, darling!
I like it here, it has a kind of
an atmosphere.
And if we don't take it,
Julie will be put out.
If she shows up at the Park Vista,
she'll be put out.
But, Lydia...
Atmosphere? Atmosphere.
Oh, Hello.
You're Mrs. Cherupin, aren't you?
- By marriage only. And you?
- Michael Abbott.
- Oh...
- My friends call me Mike.
- Oh, hello, Mike.
- Hello.
Now that the formality's over, don't you
think you might invite us for a little drink?
Oh, sure, I'm sorry.
Don't tell me it's dry
out there already.
Well, I wouldn't know.
I just don't like crowds.
- Oh... claustrophobia?
- No, husbandphobia.
That's a little subject I'd like
to take up with you.
Well, I warn you, you're putting him
at a distinct disadvantage.
Let's face it, you and I ought
to get together.
You know, we're both on the same boat and
it looks like there's a storm approaching.
Now, Mrs. Cherupin,
if you're going to insinuate that my wife
has any interest in your husband...
other than a purely...
Just so we understand each other,
I'd like to tell you something about
this romantic Romeo of mine.
When I first met him, he was a singing
waiter in a Brooklyn beer joint...
...making eighteen bucks a week
and left with the boss's wife.
- Charming.
- Hm!
I bought him some clothes,
got him a lot of publicity,
promoted a wealthy old boy into
being his patron,
- And?
- And now he's getting $2,000 a night,
three nights a week and I'm
getting nervous prostration...
...trying to keep him out of those
breach of promise suits.
Well, may I ask what all this
has to do with Julie and me?
- Okay, I'll cut corners.
- Then let's sit down while you do it.
You see, Nicolai is applause-conscious.
Especially when applause comes
from an attractive woman.
He thrives on admiration, and your wife is
both attractive and seems to admire him.
Why, that's ridiculous.
I know my Julie, and if you don't mind
my saying so,
I don't think that your husband
is just her type.
Well, you make me feel better,
but you still don't convince me.
Well, if you're so disturbed,
why don't you speak to her?
Speak to a temperament about
his infatuation?
Make him think you're opposed to it?
Oh, my friend, you don't know the
imagination of a so-called artiste.
Evidently I don't.
One word from me and he'd be
lying awake nights,
...picturing himself a marital martyr
and your wife a saint.
You and I would be the jailers
and then the next thing you know...
...he'd have her on a steamer
bound for Rio.
Oh, no, not my Julie.
Why, she won't even go on a trip with me.
No...
Oh, my potatoes.
Well, I don't think there's anything
to worry about yet.
You see, Nicky's romances always
follow a definite trend.
...and I know all the symptoms.
- Symptoms?
- Yes, he never changes his mind.
It's a warning sign when he starts
worrying about my figure.
- That's ridiculous...
- But the first real symptom is the conga.
Conga?
Everybody does the conga
more or less these days.
Yes, but that only indicates a trend,
like the approach of spring.
The first response to the stimulus
of beauty.
If what you say is correct,
I can't say that I blame him.
Julie's a pretty fair-looking girl,
you know.
The second symptom's far more serious.
I know, but it's nothing to worry
about... Oh, I'm sorry.
Hey, what did you say it was?
It's when he starts cooking delicacies
for her husband.
Oh, he's a culinary expert too.
I suppose he does his seasoning
with arsenic, huh?
Ah, he kills them with kindness.
- What's the third?
- It's when he starts giving her camelias.
- Camelias?
- Specially when they're out of season.
And that's usually when I go into action.
You see, he starts out innocently enough,
but once he gets started he just can't stop.
That's quite a catalog.
And is there a fourth symptom?
Oh, I don't even want to mention
that fourth symptom.
When that happens, we are in trouble.
But you can't stop now.
What is it?
Well, just before the conquest,
he sings Pagliacci.
Pagliacci? I'd like to see him in action
some time, that must be funny.
Yeah, if we're not careful, you might.
Messieurs, mesdames.
My friend... You must always
be my friend.
I went to the restaurant in this building
and myself personally...
...prepared this dish for you.
It's fit for a king, and you, my friend,
you must always be my friend,
are the king.
Beware of Russians bearing gifts.
Umph!
Ah, my favorite dish.
Cheese souffl?.
With caviar!
- There's enough there for you.
- I know, won't you join me?
Oh, no, you misunderstand me, I said
I've already had enough to eat for two.
One and two, first and second,
that's the second.
Yes, I know, but it's cheese souffl?,
and I'm starving.
Mike, darling, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
Look what Nicolai gave me, camelias.
And that's the third, one, two, three.
Don't you think they're beautiful?
No, madame, you make them beautiful.
My friend, and you must always be my friend,
why don't you eat?
- I'm not going to like it.
- But you haven't even tasted it yet.
I don't have to taste it.
Mike, you must be hungry,
and Nicolai did go to all this trouble.
Oh, it's never any trouble
to do something for a friend.
- I'm not hungry.
- Well, perhaps I make you nervous.
- Yes, you make me very nervous.
- Mike!
Come, the gentleman wishes
to be alone.
- But it's impossible, we are friends, no?
- No!
- Mike Abbott, have you lost your mind?
- No, but I'm about to lose my temper.
- In Russian that means the party's over.
- But it is so sad to lose a friend.
Yes, I know, specially one you
never had. Come on.
Mike, you're a... How are we ever
going to ask him here again?
You can't! You've seen the last
of the Cherupins.
- We're moving.
- Moving?
- We're moving tomorrow.
- But, madam, what could have happened?
Nothing yet, that's why we're moving.
Oh... then it must be the atmosphere.
I never heard it called that before,
but you get the idea.
Yes, well, um...
We have a new building with
exclusive atmosphere.
If I had to do it over,
I'd throw them out again.
- You don't trust me.
- Will you stop harping on that.
Well, that's what's important.
But I've already apologized for it
in seven different languages.
Oh, Julie...
You didn't trust me.
What about those symptoms,
one, two, three, just like that?
Symptoms, what about our symptoms?
Suspecting me, a husband who
vowed to trust me.
Well, my imagination ran away
with me, that's all.
It certainly did, and you forgot
all about our good intentions.
And we certainly had the best,
hadn't we, dear?
Our home was going to be
just a haven for us.
Now look at the darn thing.
I did the best I could.
Hm.
Well, I guess I'm just an old grouch,
that's all.
We're probably divinely happy.
I'll tell you what.
I'll send them all wires of apology.
We'll have another party and...
...this time I'll enjoy myself.
I swear that I'll never distrust
you again... as long as I live.
- Listen, will you light?
- Very well, if I must!
Now you're being ridiculous.
If you're going to act like that,
we might as well have twin beds.
You talk as if you'd like twin beds.
Well, if you're going to keep
this up, I would.
Then maybe I could get some sleep.
I don't like twin beds.
- Why not?
- I don't care to discuss it.
Oh...
Julie, you mustn't cry.
Oh... oh, Mike.
Mike, dear, are you hurt?
No, no... Julie, darling, I might
have suspected you, but I adore you.
- It was all my fault.
- No, it wasn't.
Yes, I failed you, I shouldn't
have danced with Nicolai.
We should never have made that cheese
souffl?, I should have forgotten about it.
Everybody's a mess.
Darling.
Sonia.
Sonia, darling.
# Vesti la giubba e la faccia in farina #
What's that?
It's Nicolai singing Pagliacci.
That's it, that's it,
the fourth symptom.
- Mike, stop being silly.
- I have been silly.
You better take a good look at this place,
because it's the chance you get to see it.
- Tomorrow morning we're leaving here.
- Now, now, Mike, don't get excited.
I'm perfectly calm. I'm not gonna let
that Siberian wolf excite me!
Quiet!
Quiet!
# Tramuta i lazzi, lo spasmo ed il pianto #
That'll be all, Romeo.
Larky, darling, what are you
hanging up there?
Our wedding certificate, dear.
Is it straight?
It's time you unlimbered your high Cs
with a little practice,
I shall never sing again.
Oh, don't be an idiot. Get up and do
something for posterity.
- I don't like posterity.
- Alright, have it your own way.
If you won't do anything else,
why don't you take Ninotchka for a walk?
My soul is full of melancholy
and you ask me to walk the dog.
What do I do with this package, ma'am?
Oh, open it, please, it's the one
that came as we were leaving.
There's a note in it addressed to you.
- Want me to read it?
- Please.
"Dear lady,
Due to circumstances beyond
my control, we are moving.
As I fear I shall not see you again,
please accept this record which
I have recorded only for your ears.
Farewell from your heartbroken Nicky."
Just an eccentric admirer.
Come on, let's play it.
Come on, Poochie.
# Vesti la giubba e la faccia in farina #
# La gente paga e rider vuole qua #
# E se l'Arlecchin' t'invola Colombina #
# Ridi, Pagliaccio... #
- Well, what brought on this outburst?
# E ognun applaudir? #
# Sul tuo amore infranto #
Might as well stop singing that,
you're not going to see her again.
# Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor #
What are you sitting there
with your hands like that for?
Oh, I may play it again, I don't know.
Now that you've had your fun,
what about a few exercises?
Why exercise, why should...
Oh, exercise is a very sweet idea,
very good idea, my sweet.
Come on, Ninotchka, you and I are going
to walk. Yes, my baby, come on.
Au revoir.
Just be sure Ninotchka doesn't meet
any strange dogs.
- Mr. Abbott's apartment?
- It is, and all deliveries are in the rear.
Wait a minute, wait a minute,
I'm Mr. Abbott.
Hm?
Well, it's you alright. That picture
must have been taken a long time ago.
- I suppose you're Nora.
- I have my mother's word for it.
Did Mrs. Abbott tell you not to have anything
to do with anybody in this building?
She did. And as far as I've been able to
look over the other tenants, disagreeable.
- Yo-ho, darling!
- Hello, sweetheart.
Many happy returns of the day.
Thanks, darling, but what's
the occasion?
To celebrate our new home.
Well, how do you like it?
Hm... it's all right, but...
You said you wanted twin beds.
Did I?
Oh, yes, dear, you said you wanted
to get some sleep, remember?
Oh, yes, I guess I did,
but I didn't really mean that...
You shouldn't say things
you don't mean.
Now darling, everybody says things
they don't mean... when they're angry.
Hello!
Hello... ahem.
Mr. Abbott, are you happy?
Happy? Who is this?
Well, um... this is the hospitality
desk, sir.
I believe you have a dog, sir?
Yes, I have a dog.
What of it?
Then we are at your service, sir.
Your little dog would love our
exclusive park...
...which is close by with its beautiful
flowers and friendly trees.
Well, thank you and thank the
hospitality department.
They have an exceptional park with
exclusively fine trees.
Good. Come on, Poochie.
Poochie!
Oh, Nora...
- I want this suit pressed.
- Just pressed, or cleaned and pressed?
Just pressed. And any time I leave
anything on this lounge, I want it pressed.
Suppose it should be dirty,
you want it just pressed?
- Of course not.
- That's why I asked you before.
You want it just pressed
or cleaned and pressed?
- Just pressed.
- Yes, sir, just pressed.
There you go.
Poochie!
Poochie! Poochie!
Ninotchka, you naughty dog,
what are you doing way over here?
Julie!
- Nicolai!
- Yes, so you found us.
But I... we hadn't been
looking for you.
Oh, you needn't explain these
things to me, my dear.
I understand, I should have done
the same thing.
It was very clever of you
to track us down so soon.
Don't tell me you're living
in the Park Vista too.
Hm-hmm. Come, sit down.
You must want to talk to me.
Look...
You know, I'm worried about
your Mr. Mike.
- You should be.
- Like all husbands, he's selfish.
- He wants you for himself alone.
- What else should he want?
Before anything he should want
to make you happy.
- Aren't you being a bit presumptuous.
- Cherupin the artist is never presumptuous.
But often misunderstood.
This is one of the times.
Dear lady, I only want to help
you to be happy.
O know exactly what you want.
Can you explain it to your husband?
I'm not going to explain anything to him,
it'll only make matters worse.
You're right, we shan't say
anything about your finding me.
That will be our risk. You and I,
Poochie and Ninotchka.
Nicolai, we mustn't, this is
no place to dance.
Wherever there is music
and a beautiful woman,
that's the place to dance.
Gentleman!
Ninotchka!
- Poochie!
- My monkey!
- Hello, darling.
- Oh, Mike!
I was afraid you were going
to be late for dinner.
Poochie went wild, I had to chase him
all over the park.
Why, Poochie, did you find
a new girlfriend?
I don't believe a word he says.
- You ready, darling?
- Won't be a minute.
Not bad cooking, huh?
That depends entirely on the standard
of camparison, Mr. Abbott.
You wouldn't like it if it was
wonderful, which it is.
An opinion is not necessarily a fact.
And a job is not necessarily
a permanent one.
- I haven't unpacked.
- That'll be all, sunshine.
Madame, dinner is served.
You must trust me as much
as I trust you.
I mean, risking your health
eating my cooking.
Oh, of course I trust you,
darling, I mean...
I had no idea you could cook like this.
You have no idea what bargain
you have for a husband.
As a matter of fact, you're married
to a man of many talents.
Mike.
You do love me, don't you?
I mean, really love me.
Now, Mrs. Abbott, that comes under
the heading of silly questions.
Then we'll always be together, won't we,
no matter what happens.
Of course we'll always be together
whether it happens or not.
Now you must eat something.
Thanks, darling... I mean,
yes, darling.
Oh, darling, you don't like my cooking.
Oh, yes, yes, I do, it's wonderful,
it's the best I've ever eaten.
# ...la giubba e la faccia in farina #
# La gente paga... #
Mike, your food's getting cold.
What's that?
That? That what, dear?
That... singing.
Oh... oh, that singing, it's...
- It is singing, isn't it?
- Yes, it is. That is singing.
Unless my ears deceive me,
it's too familiar.
In fact it sounds like a certain
Mr. Chirping Cherupin.
Yes, dear, it does sound like
Nicolai, doesn't it?
Sounds too much like him.
It's... it's probably just a record,
lots of people have them.
- Come on, dear, let's eat.
- Record?
Yes, we have one too.
- May I ask where we got it?
- Nicolai gave it to us.
- Huh?
- I don't know why.
He just did. I... I'll play it for you.
# ...che t'avvelena il cor #
Who is she?
- I was just playing.
- Yes, I know. Who with?
I don't know what you mean.
Whenever you sing and play for nothing,
it's for something.
- Who's the woman?
- Woman?
Oh, don't look so naive, Nicolai.
I know those sheep's eyes of yours.
I can tell it in your A-sharp minor.
- Can you really?
- Yes.
Well, just because I'm in a reminiscent
mood you say it's a woman.
I don't say it is. It is!
# Vesti la giubba e la faccia in farina #
# La gente paga... #
- When did you record that song?
- Last week.
- And who did you record it for?
- F-For posterity.
Posterity, nothing, you recorded it
for a woman!
Darling, why must you always
accuse me of these things?
Why must you always do these things?
I warn you, Nicolai, I'm getting
awfully tired of moving!
- You see?
- Yes, I see. I'm still not convinced.
Where are you going, dear?
Down to the hospitality desk
to see a man about a dog.
- Are you the manager?
- Yes, sir.
Would you mind giving me the name of the
gentleman in the apartment above me?
Above you, Mr. Abbott?
That's, um... 6-B.
Just a moment.
Mr. and Mrs. Ivan Jones.
Why should anyone be called
Ivan Jones?
This is America, the melting pot.
Confidentially, sir, the gentleman
is a famous Russian baritone.
- The name is fictitious.
- So is the gentleman.
It's been the same since we were married,
and I've been fooled for the last time.
- Mike, if you'd only listen.
- Listen? I've listened long enough.
I listened to that phony call
from the hospitality desk,
which they don't have,
and I listened when you told me
he sang for you at that luncheon.
I listened when he gave you the camelias,
in fact I've listened for the last time.
If only you let me explain,
you're making an awful mistake.
Oh, no, you're wrong, the whole thing
has been a mistake.
Michael!
If you walk out of that door,
you needn't ever come back.
Oh, Mike.
Hello.
Give me the florist, please.
Nicolai, what are you doing?
I am waiting for you, my sweet,
to finish so we can go to sleep.
Just as you told me.
Have I your permission, my only one,
to brush my teeth?
- You have.
- Thank you, my very own.
You're being awfully sweet
tonight, Nicolai.
And I don't like it.
Larky! Larky!
- Larky!
- Lydia, love, what is it?
There! A man!
Burglars? How dare they come
snooping around here.
Well, don't you worry, you just
leave everything to me.
I don't see anyone, my pet.
But there was a man there
at the window.
All right, dear, I'll go.
I'll go.
- Larky!
- Julie!
What are you doing here?
Well, I was...
...just passing by, so I thought
I'd drop in.
We live here also, in 4-B.
You mean you and Lydia live
in this building too?
Yes, it seems that we're neighbors.
Isn't that fine?
I'm not so sure.
And put that thing down
before you hurt yourself.
Oh, don't worry, it isn't loaded.
- I was just chasing a burglar.
- Burglar?
Yes, but everything's all right.
I didn't catch him.
Where's Mike?
- I don't know.
- Oh, Julie, you've been crying.
If Mike has been cruel to you,
I'll... I'll...
I wish he had been.
Oh, Larky, I'm so unhappy.
Oh, now, now, Julie, don't you worry.
I'll protect you always.
Larky! Larky!
Goodbye, now.
- Larky!
- Coming with you, love!
- Your call, sir.
- Thank you.
Julie, my little flower.
This is poor, lonesome Nicolai, and I hope
your poor, lonesome Nicolai.
What do you want, Nicolai?
I'm waiting for you in the cocktail bar.
Didn't you get my flowers or my note?
Now listen, Nicolai.
You must forget I live here...
...and I insist that you never
call me again.
But Julie, but Miss Julie,
But Mrs. Abbott, but...
- No answer.
- Very few people are home these days.
Please make me cossack's kiss.
- A cossack's kiss?
- Vodka, cointreau, lemon.
It is what one drinks to put together
the pieces of a broken heart.
And make me enough to fill
that big glass over there.
This glass full of anything will kill you.
What have got to live for?
Go ahead.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning.
- Yes, sir.
- I gotcha, I gotcha.
- Thank you
- Let's go.
- Yes, sir.
- Just lean on me.
- Yes, sir.
- I've never dropped a man yet.
No, sir.
Now just... we'll make it.
- There now, you made it.
- What apartment, sir?
How should I know,
I just moved in here.
You must be Mr. Ivan Jones.
I am not Mr. Ivan Jones,
I am not even Mr. Jones.
What's more, I'll never be Mr. Jones.
Then you must be the other
new tenant, 5-B.
Must be 5-B, must be 5-B...
Must be 5-B, must be 5-B...
You mustn't wake up the good little wife.
She's the best little wife a man
could ever have.
Including his dog.
The last time I saw him, he came in here.
And he was wearing this.
Hm, very interesting.
Were his people Chinese?
- No, Russian.
- Pretty close, wasn't I?
- And I think he went out there.
- What is that?
- Well, what does it look like?
- Looks like a window. And that's the outside.
The minute you find him I want
you to phone me.
Do you have any suspicions as to where
your husband might be?
You see, the slightest clue
might help us.
Well, why do you suppose I called
your agency?
If I knew where he was,
I wouldn't need you.
That's right, isn't it?
But don't you worry, I'll find him.
And remember, I don't want
anything to happen to him.
- I'm saving that pleasure for myself.
- I understand, Mrs. Cherupin.
But your problems are over,
you leave everything to me.
- Hm, a very interesting case.
- Yeah, very.
- Anything else, sir?
- Just keep the glass filled.
- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.
George, give me another one of those 10c
cigars you charged a quarter for.
They're pretty good, eh?
Pretty good.
- Howdy, neighbor. Taking a little trip?
- Hm-hmm.
Well, it does a person good
to get away sometimes.
A reason to get back again,
I always say.
My name's Touchstone,
Horace Touchstone.
- How do you do?
- I didn't catch your name.
- Um... Mike Abbott.
- Mike Abbott, sound American name.
- Married man?
- Yes, I'm married.
- Family?
- No, no family.
No family. I suppose you haven't
got around to it yet, but you will.
I suppose you know that a family's
the foundation of a country.
- Is it?
- You bet.
Just wait till you're married a while
longer and you'll see.
- I will, will I?
- I will, will I.
Say, that's pretty good.
Yes, sir, that's pretty good.
- You're going somewhere?
- Yes, I'm going somewhere.
Business, I suppose.
I'm in ladies' underwear myself.
I sell them I don't wear them, get it?
I get it.
I thought you'd enjoy that one.
Thanks.
Can I get you gentlemen something else?
- Same.
- Bring me a long glass of soda.
And put some ice and whiskey in it,
I expect to catch a cold.
Pretty good, huh, pretty good.
Pretty good train this one.
All streamlined and everything.
Reminds me of some of the
marriages nowadays.
You did say you were married,
didn't you?
Yes, I said I was married.
You look like a fellow that's anxious
to get home to the little woman.
I guess that's what make
you so nervous.
Take your hand...!
There's nothing like a happy
married couple, I always say.
The trouble nowadays,
folks are in such a hurry...
...they don't even take time to try
and make a go of their home life.
I bet if they did, there'd be a lot less
divorces and a lot more golden weddings.
Yes, sir. Many times a husband and wife
will do something they have no control over.
Then what happens?
Jealousy sneaks in the door.
And both go about hurting
the thing they love most.
The wife is miserable because most likely
she didn't do anything in the first place.
And the husband is miserable feeling that
his righteousness has been disturbed.
- Right?
- Right.
That kind of marriage deserves
to be broken up.
Right.
It's nothing but streamlined stubborness,
that's what it is. Streamlined stubborness.
That's pretty good, eh, pretty good.
Very good.
- Oh, George,
- Yes, sir.
What's the next stop and how soon
do we get there?
Albany. We're due there
in five minutes, sir.
How soon can I catch a train
that'll get me back to New York?
- Almost every hour, sir.
- Oh, good.
Well, thanks very much, neighbor.
As far as I'm concerned, you're pretty good.
Yes, sir, pretty good.
Pretty sound advice you gave
that young man, Mr. Touchback.
May I ask how long you've
been married, sir?
Married? Not on your life. I'm a bachelor
and I intend to remain that way.
I sell ladies' underwear,
I don't buy it.
Pretty good!
Mike.
Mike, you came back!
Mike, dear, wake up, it's 8 o'clock.
Oh, why didn't you awaken me
when you came in?
Silly, don't you know it's bad luck to have
an umbrella open in the house?
Oh, Mike, dear, I'm so happy. And even
though I didn't do anything,
I promise you I'll never never
do it again.
Come on, come to, it's a beautiful day.
Oh!
Oh! You!
What are you doing in here?
Have you been here all night?
I'm dying, she asking me riddles...
You get out! You get out this very minute,
you horrid man!
- Oh, my head!
- Get out!
Oh, no, no, no!
No, no...
Oh, my head.
Is that... are you all right?
No, no... I mean, yes, yes, I'm all right.
Everything's fine.
I just saw a nightmare...
I mean, I had a bad dream.
A very bad dream.
So he came back. They always do,
don't they?
Yes, they always do.
Can I get either one of you anything?
Uh.. no, thank you.
Yes, get a large pitcher of iced water.
That's all, Nora.
Oh, my head!
You've got to get out
of here right now!
You get up and get out, you awful man!
Oh, my head!
Will you please get out of here
before somebody sees you?
Oh, oh...
Oh, Mrs. Abbott!
Oh, I like you very much,
but not this morning.
Go home and come and see
me some other time.
Smell this, you Siberian wolf!
Mrs. Abbott...
I don't know what you're talking about
and I'm too sick to find out.
Take this and wake yourself up.
Put on your clothes and get out.
I'll wait in here and for heaven's
sake hurry.
You! What are you doing under the bed?
I told you to get out of here!
- Oh, my clothes, my head, I'm dying.
- Oh, I wish you were!
- What did you do with your clothes?
- I don't know. I want to go home.
Ih, if I knew what to do with you
afterwards, I'd strangle you!
Oh, Julie, this is no time to play games.
All I want is my clothes, and I can't
go home without them.
I'll get you one of Mike's suits.
I'm a tall 38.
Oh, with a very brick head.
Get up. Pull yourself together
and put these on!
Hurry!
Hello, Poochie.
- Mike's here!
- Who?
Shh! My husband.
- Mr. Mike?
- Yes, you've got to hide.
- Where?
- Anywhere!
- Where is anywhere?
- Go there in the chest!
- Oh, you can't put me in there!
- I can and I will.
- But I'm going to smother to death here.
That would be good. Hurry up.
Hello, Julie.
Oh, Mike.
Oh, Julie.
Mike, I'm so happy.
Julie, I've been a fool, a darn idiot.
No, no, it was all my fault.
If you'll just give me another chance,
I'll make it up to you, honestly I will.
Oh, if I hadn't been so silly.
How could I possibly think that you
could ever do anything wrong?
- Oh...
- What's the matter?
Oh, nothing... nothing's the matter.
I'm just so excited and happy
at seeing you again.
Oh, Julie, this has been a great
lesson to me.
From now on we start anew.
We'll build our marriage
on a basis of mutual trust.
And never let anybody or anything
come between us again.
- Oh, I've missed you so much.
- I've missed you too.
What... what's the matter?
Nothing, I was just brushing
something off your coat.
- Are you all right?
- Yes... yes, I'm all right.
Yes... yes, of course I'm all right, I...
I'm just excited and, um...
Happy. That's it, I'm happy
that you came back.
Oh, you darling.
Hadn't you better go now?
Go? Where?
Go... go to the office.
Oh, darling, that's been our
great trouble,
I've been giving much too much of my time
to the office and not enough time to you.
- I'm going to stay home more.
- But you can't.
I mean... won't they miss you?
Well, they'll just have to get along
the best they can.
From now on my wife comes first.
- What about some breakfast?
- Breakfast? Oh, fine.
Fine, why don't you put on a robe
and some slippers and...
- Then we'll have breakfast together.
- Yes, that'll be wonderful.
I'll have Nora fix something right away.
Ow!
I'll keep him in there while you get
dressed, now please hurry.
- Julie, darling.
- Yes, dear.
Will you come here for a moment?
Of course, darling.
Please go!
Why does everything have
to happen to me?
I'm Mrs. Cherupin, I live upstairs.
- Oh?
- Where is Mrs. Abbott?
Last time I saw her she was
in the bedroom.
Kind of early, isn't it?
I'd have been here sooner,
only I just found out she was living here.
- Shall I tell her you're here?
- Never mind, I'll tell her myself.
Mrs. Abbott.
Mrs. Abbott.
Oy.
Mrs. Abbott.
Mrs. Abbott.
Oh, there you are.
I thought you were in bed.
Uh... no... I'm up.
- So it's Mr. Abbott then.
- Is it?
Is it?
I mean... oh, of course it is.
Poochie, Poochie, stop,
you'll wake him up.
Poor dear, he had such a late night.
So nice of you to pay me a visit.
Specially so early in the morning.
I'm surprised you knew I lived here.
Aren't you? Shall we go in the drawing
room, it's more comfortable.
- Where's my husband?
- Your husband?
- Well how should I know?
- Well, you...
If you don't mind waiting in here,
I'll be with you in just a minute.
Poochie, stop being a bloodhound.
- What are you doing in my bed?
- I heard her coming, I had to hide.
Why didn't you get in
the clothes and get out?
- The clothes are gone.
- Gone?
- Gone where?
- I don't know.
Well, you can't stay in there,
you've got to get back in the chest...
- No, not that!
- Oh, Julie!
- Did you say something, dear?
- Yes, dear.
- No, dear.
- Oh, all right, precious.
I want to go home.
You've got to stay out of sight until
my husband and your wife leave!
- Mrs. Abbott!
- Coming.
- There was something I just had to do.
- Yes, I understand.
I'm sorry I barged in on you like this.
But you see, my husband hasn't
been home all night.
Then when I found out you
were living here, I... I...
Well, it upset me.
Mrs. Cherupin, there's one thing
you must understand,
your husband means absolutely
nothing to me, absolutely nothing.
And if I were sure I was never
going to see him again,
I'd be the happiest person on earth.
Well, maybe I was wrong.
- Yes...
- But you know, hell hath no fury, and...
I guess I'm just about the most furious
person you'll ever see when it comes to Nicky.
Maybe something happened to him,
maybe he's a victim of circumstances,
maybe he could explain everything
if you give him a chance.
Oh, no, Mrs. Abbott, I know my Nicky.
I've a detective on his trail.
And from now on his love song's
going to be his swan song.
- Will you be much longer, dear?
- Just a few more minutes, darling,
Thank you.
Your wife's got a detective after you,
she's after you too, my husband's home and I...
Can't you do something?
But, Julie, do you think I'm enjoying this,
what can I do?
- Julie!
- Get back, get back!
If I have to stay in here,
can I at least have a fan?
Julie, will you ask Nora to have
this pressed?
- Yes, dear.
- Julie... aren't you happy?
Y-Yes... I'm very happy.
By the way, Julie, have you seen
my gray plaid suit?
- Your... your gray plaid suit?
- Yeah.
Oh, your gray plaid suit. Maybe Nora
sent it to the cleaner's.
But it didn't need cleaning.
I told Nora specifically...
...not to take anything unless
I left it on the chaise longue.
Now, dear, don't worry, I'll have a
talk with her and you go take your shower.
Well, all right, I'll be back in a minute.
I'm giving you one last chance,
otherwise I'm going to tell my husband
and I don't care what he does to you...
...or what he does to me.
Now, will you go?
But I'd love to go, Julie,
but I can't go this way.
- Here, take these.
- Thank you.
And don't let anything happen this time.
- Julie!
- Yes, dear?
Say, what's going on around this house,
a game of hide and seek?
- What?
- Where do you keep your bath towels?
Oh, oh... oh...
They're... they're in the dressing room.
I'll get them.
You get back in there before
you catch cold.
Get those on and get out!
Here's your towel, Mike.
- Thanks, Julie,
- Can I get you anything else?
No, dear.
- Now what are you doing?
- I'm looking for something to wear.
What did you do with the blue
suit I just gave you?
It disappeared off the chaise longue
with the pajamas.
Clothes or no clothes,
you're gonna get out of here.
But if my wife sees me like this,
what will I tell her?
Tell her you were playing strip poker.
- Julie!
- Coming!
Goodbye.
Thanks for the use of your bed.
- Julie.
- Huh?
Remind me to tell you that I'm the happiest
and luckiest person in the world.
Oh, no, Mike, you may be the happiest,
but I'm the luckiest.
Next time you go burglar-hunting
in a strange apartment,
I'm going with you.
Yes, Lydia, dear.
The burglar!
- Take off your clothes.
- What?
Shh! You are not to talk to me,
you have to whisper. Take off your clothes.
Give me that gun, don't turn around.
- Can't we talk this over, mister?
- No talk! Take off your pants!
Keep moving.
Open that door.
Get inside.
- But...
- No buts!
Larky!
Larky, dear, where are you?
Julie!
Julie.
Keep it quiet or I'll let you have it,
you old rat!
Oh, Mrs. Abbott, the detective just phoned
and said my husband was right here.
- In this building.
- Oh, really?
Well, you shouldn't be so suspicious.
I wouldn't be a bit surprised if he were
in your own apartment this very minute.
That's probably what the detective meant.
- Help!
- Quiet, you!
Julie!
Come in.
Oh, so it's you.
Where have you been?
Mr. Abbott, do you always carry
an umbrella? I mean...
do you have to walk around without
any clothes on?
What? But I don't know what you're
talking about, then don't tell me!
Now, what did you do with my
gray plaid suit?
- I sent it to the cleaner's.
- The cleaner's?
I told you never to send anything out
unless I put it on the chaise longue!
- You did, sir, and I did, sir.
- You did, sir... what?
Mr. Abbott, there's no reason why
you have to take out your hangover on me.
You put your clothes on the chaise longue
and I sent them to the cleaner's
- My gray plaid suit?
- Yes, sir.
Along with your blue suit
and your full dress.
My full dress?
Mr. Abbott, could I fix you a pick-me-up?
I don't want a pick-me-up!
Oh, I just thought that the hair
of the dog that bit you might help you.
Oh, thanks, now tell me which
suits did you send out?
Your gray plaid suit, your blue suit
and your full dress, also your pajamas.
Which I didn't send to the cleaner's
waiting for the laundry service.
My pajamas and full dress,
I haven't had tails on in months!
Mr. Abbott, I've been to enough funerals
to know a full-dress suit when I see one.
Oh, listen, listen, for the last time,
will you tell me...
Mr. Abbott, could I fix you a pick-me-up?
One of us is nuts!
And how.
Julie, I tell you that maid is crazy
and she's got to go.
- Oh, Mike, please control yourself.
- Control myself?
Why, she's out there trying to make me
believe that I slept here last night.
- Well, didn't you?
- I did not...
- Where did you come from?
- You mean you weren't in that bed?
No!
What do you care? Wh...
- Is Mrs. Cherupin here?
- Yes, yes, I think she is.
This gentleman wants to speak to you.
We've traced your husband,
we have him trapped.
- You have?
- Yes, Ma'am, we never fail.
- He's right here in this apartment.
- Here, impossible! I saw him leave...
- I mean... oh, that's impossible.
- We'll just make sure.
I'll make sure!
Yoohoo, Larky!
Larky!
- What's in there?
- A bathroom and a dressing room.
- Well, he's not around here.
- Not there either.
Pardon me, but has anyone here
seen a husband, I mean, mine?
Lydia, darling, how nice of you
to drop in.
I might have know you were living here.
And to what may we attribute this
unexpected and most unusual call?
I'm looking for my husband.
He was up here last night...
...and the first moment I turn my back
this morning, he's gone.
This is so silly, what would I be
doing with your husband?
I have one of my own,
haven't I, dear?
How do you know your husband
was here last night?
He told me so.
Oh, that's what Nora meant
about the pajamas.
You see?
You're making so much noise the
neighbors are complaining.
Oh... why don't you all leave?
Help, help, help!
Please, Mike, make them go,
they don't know what they're saying.
You're not fooling me, Mrs. Abbott,
you're hiding my husband in there!
Mrs. Abbott, you're not fooling me either,
you're hiding my husband in there.
Michael, there isn't anybody in there
and if there were, how would I know?
Oh, I'll handle this.
- There!
- Oh, Larky!
Lydia!
Oh, Larky, how disgraceful,
where are you clothes?
Oh, Larky!
I could have sworn it was him.
But how could a guy shrink that much?
Now, Julie,
why didn't you tell me that you locked him in
the wardrobe and that he'd spent the night here?
Oh, Mike, this is as big a surprise
to me as it is to you.
Why, Nora told me that he
slept here last night...
...and not only that but he
wore my pajamas.
Mike, you don't know
what you're saying.
Oh, don't I? Well, maybe you can
explain where his clothes are.
Or perhaps that's what the well-dressed
Lothario wears this season.
I think you're all being unfair to Julie.
I came here last night looking
for a burglar.
Why didn't you tell me
you found Julie?
Yes, why didn't you tell her.
- Well, I... I...
- You see?
And where were you when
she needed you most?
I found her here all by
herself and crying.
- I... I...
- There, you see?
Sorry for intruding, Mr. Abbott,
following your instructions,
are these intended to the laundry
or are you going to wear them?
- I'm gonna wear them!
- Well, I just want to make sure.
but if you ask me, you're gonna
look awfully silly in them.
Those are my clothes. You see, I told you.
The burglar stuck two guns in my back, made
me undress and locked me in the wardrobe.
Darling, I know what you're think
of me and you're absolutely right.
I've always know that you're the most
honest and sincere person in the world.
And you're not angry with me,
are you?
Angry, of course not, Mike,
why should I be angry?
Why should anybody be angry
at anybody?
Julie, I do hope you'll forgive me.
I don't know what to say, Mrs. Abbott,
it's just my suspicious nature, I guess.
Oh, I'm sure you'll find your husband at home
and you'll forgive him like I forgive mine.
I feel a little jumpy, don't you?
Shall we all go in the drawing room,
something or other?
Well, I suppose you'll all be going now.
Good night... I mean, good morning.
Excuse me!
Hello, mama, looking for me?
You, you, you!
- The burglar!
- Let me at him!
Wait! This is my job, I'll handle him!
Please, mama, let him handle me.
- We're moving.
- So are we!
And we!
Darling, are you going to believe
what you saw or what I tell you?
Oh, Mike, if you'd only try
to understand.
I do understand as far as
a halfwit's concerned.
I admit Nicolai was here last night.
He'd been drinking.
He thought this was his apartment.
He slept in your bed,
but I didn't know, believe me, I didn't.
Oh, Mike, this never could have happened
if it hadn't been for those awful twin beds.
Julie, perhaps you're right. Perhaps we should
have pushed them together.
Tell you what. We'll move back
to our old apartment,
and leave all our troubles behind us
including Pagliacci.
Yes, Mike.
# Sul tuo amore infranto #
# Ridi del duol che t'avvelena il cor #
- Subtitles -
- Lu?s Filipe Bernardes