Tri plyus dva (1963) - full transcript

Three Plus Two.

What a nuisance!

Listen, vet.

- You know what I've just thought about?
- No.

When you are not busy
treating cats and dogs...

You could cook meals wonderfully...

And your mother-in-law
would surely respect you.

- That's it?
- Not exactly.

The main advantage is that your future wife
will have nothing to do in the kitchen.

I'm telling you for the last time.

I'm not compatible with women. Is it clear?



Really? Sorry.

Come on, beep! Where is Sundukov after all?

It's the same story every day!
Come on, beep!

Just a sec.

Don't torture my poor car, bastards!
Have you gone crazy?

You want to discharge the battery?
Shame on you!

I warned you! He hates when you beep.

Whatever you say, but
the private property...

Makes you quite different. Right, Roma?

It all depends on who you are.

- Lunch is ready, isn't it?
- It's been ready for quite some time.

- Get away from the car!
- What?

- What is it?
- A crab.

- Is it alive?
- Alive. You may sit down.



Music, please! The lunch is served!

We swear not to shave,
not to drink, not to smoke!

- And to remain...
- To remain savages. Amen.

Hooray! Hooray!

Main course!

Please.

Here it is.

Okay. It must be sultry in restaurants now!

Yes.

It is quite different here!
We enjoy fresh air...

And even this pasta tastes like barbecue.
Am I right?

Absolutely!

What a gross-out, Steve!

Relax.

I'm gone to fetch the dessert!

We are even!

Please! The inventor's know-how.

What is this shaking substance?

Eat, my friends, don't be scared!

Some rosy nettle-fish!

Okay, don't spoil his appetite!
Come on, Steve, eat it up.

You should eat it without bread,
don't get used to it!

Once I tasted boiled octopus in Rome.

He's never been in Rome!
He's just prating!

- Come on, for your mom's health!
- Eat it yourself!

Fine. Tasty.

I'll bring tea.

Do we dare?

Why not?

- Tasty?
- Yep.

So, about the octopus.
We were driving from Milan to Rome!

The highway is unbelievable!
As on Crimea peninsula!

And suddenly a tiny white "Fiat"
comes in view round the bend!

Something like our "Zaporozhez".

And at the wheel...!

Who poured out the water?
Who poured out the water I'm asking!

You are on duty today!
Just don't bother us with these questions!

And what am I supposed to do?

You should supply our camp with water!
Tomorrow is my turn.

- This is the only consolation.
- So? And don't damage my hat, please!

- Would you be so kind as to stand up?
- Fine.

- Are you nuts?
- You should spare fresh water.

- Steve! Sundukov! Doctor!
- What?

Would you explain to me

what is the difference between
pi-meson and mu-meson?

Get off!

No, seriously!
They say there is some Q-meson!

I can't explain this in two words.

Just approximately.

Listen, do I have a right to
rest for thirty days in a year?

Twenty four.

Okay, twenty four. And I'm not in the mood to
talk about pi-meson, mu-meson and Q-meson!

I'm reading a detective novel!
Leave me alone.

God! I wish your hands dry
and wither, bastards!

- I'm really sorry.
- It's okay. Good afternoon.

How do you do?

Nice to meet you.

- Are you settled down here for a long time?
- You seem to be upset with it?

The right guess.

What's so funny about it?

I'm laughing because this place is ours.

- What place?
- This place.

- And in what sense it is yours?
- In a very direct.

Our planet is overpopulated.

No, but we come here
every year for our vacation.

- I hate to be indiscreet, but...
- It's okay.

Who are "we"?
And are there many of you?

- Us?
- Yes.

- There are two of us. Why?
- No, nothing.

- And who are you?
- It doesn't matter. And let's stop it!

And you are not from
police by any chance?

We'll show you our IDs, don't worry.

Okay, fellows, this is our place!
And you had no right to occupy it!

What did you say?
We had no right to occupy it?

- Yes!
- Have you heard, doctor?

I'm not deaf!

For five year we've spending
our vacations right here...

And we are not going
to change our habits!

Wonderful!

Listen, dear, don't be ridiculous!

Don't faint, mate, we are being uprooted!

- Who is uprooting us?
- She is.

So, you are uprooting us?

- We are not.
- What does it mean?

We are just asking
you to move from here!

- Have a nice time!
- You too.

Where are we supposed to move?

Just anywhere you like!
Find for yourself another place!

No, I don't understand!
Why are we supposed to leave?

- Childish prattle!
- You are the men after all!

- No, we are not!
- What?

We are the savages!

It doesn't matter! You have to bow out.

Sorry, sorry, sorry!

Oh my God!

He is asking, how can you prove
that this place is yours?

- Yes!
- How?

- You need some proof?
- Yes!

- You don't believe me?
- No! Yes!

All right! I'll prove it! Let me through.

Shut your mouth!

One, two, three, four, five,
six, seven... Okay!

- Have you got a spade?
- Do we have a spade?

- Doctor, do we have a spade?
- We do! Catch!

Please.

- Will you be so kind?
- What?

Just dig a hole.

Roma is much more skillful!

- If you don't mind...
- Help the young lady, mate.

- Fine.
- Okay, you'll pay for it.

I don't understand what
we are looking for?

The proof or some ancient copperware?

- Don't waste your sense of humor.
- And what now?

And this is the proof!

Natik!

Her husband. Tired?
Exhausted! Poor guy... So...

Sit!

Hardly her husband.

Natasha, can you imagine?
Our place is occupied!

- What do you mean?
- It is just occupied! Simple.

By whom?

I have no idea! Some guys.

Every tree here knows that
this place is ours!

- Good afternoon, fellows.
- Hello.

You've dug on the wrong spot!
It's not here! Over there!

You still don't believe
that this place is ours?

No, no, why not?
We believe you I swear.

- So, what's the matter?
- But where is the proof?

- You still need the proof?
- Yes.

Okay. Have you got a spade?

Don't you need the power shovel, dear?
Doctor, do we have a power shovel?

Sure.

- I'm much obliged. Thank you.
- Come on, Zoya.

After you. I'm much obliged.
Thank you.

- Drive away, please.
- Would you drive away, please?

It is all right.

Leave it be, mate, don't bother.

Thank you!

So, this is the proof. Here.

Have we got any glasses, doctor?

- Have you got a bottle-screw?
- Roma, give her the bottle-screw.

- Wait a minute.
- Here is your bottle-screw! Are you blind?

Yes, exactly.

- What is it?
- Read!

So amateurish! Take it!

You better read it aloud!

- Soviet Champagne! Semi-dry!
- Not you! Read, Vadim!

We despise and denounce all
types of organized vacations...

And we discovered this place on the
Black Sea coast on the 20 of July 1956.

And the same day we proclaimed that
it is ours for the rest of our lives.

We swear to use all the possible means...

In order to come here every year with the
purpose of spending our vacation together.

To sew up this oath-taking we've
drunk the bottle of champagne...

And inserted inside this safe-conduct.

Stupid kids! Newborn babies!

- So? Are you convinced now?
- Not really!

- You think it really matters?
- Dear girls...

We are not dear for you! God forbid!

- One minute, please!
- What?

Let's just sit at a round table and
discuss it peacefully.

- What for?
- Please...

Fine. Let's go, Natasha.

- Take your seat.
- Sit down.

Okay, as for me I...

Wait! All this story is pointless.

This year you can enjoy
your vacation anywhere else!

- Right! Obviously!
- No. We can't! And we won't!

- Is it the ultimatum?
- As you wish.

Quite an interesting twist!

Okay, listen up...

What can you say?

You are really strange people!
They think we are joking!

It is unbelievable!

Enough! It was very funny, but there is
a limit to everything... Good-bye.

Good bye.

So, I guess we had a very
fruitful and amiable discussion.

Fine...

Natasha, let's go!

The are gone at last!

- They forced us to smoke!
- Yes.

Come on!

So what?

I think such a nervous breakdown...

- Requires some swimming.
- Right.

Let's go, chaps, let's go!

OK. Zoya,
why couldn't we camp out there?

No, only here, just under their nose!

Why?

We'll make their life quite unbearable!

That's easy! So, it's decided? Here?

Of course.

Natasha, don't touch anything there!

You know, they eat canned food.

Vagabonds.

And...

I won't tolerate their trailer here.

We were right to stay.

I guess so.

Let's go swimming!

You know what came to my mind?

We'll have to talk with them either way.

What for? And what about?
They simply don't exist for us!

- Do you understand? They are not here!
- OK.

- So, let's finish the job.
- It just slipped my mind. Wait.

An above all - we have to be persistent!

- Listen, Zoya, what if they don't go away?
- How is it possible?

- Suppose, the don't.
- Natasha, trust me.

If I'm perfectly able to
train the real lions...

I'll manage with the porcupines somehow.

Speaking frankly,
there is nothing special in them!

I wouldn't say so!

Too plain and cliche.

No, they are quite pretty.
But from other points of view...

No, this Natasha is much prettier...

Than the one in striped blouse.

- You mean Zoya?
- Her name is Zoya? Who?

The shaggy one,
who made him to dig the hole.

They are both quite shaggy.

They don't exist, agreed?

Let's go!

- So, what, Vadim? Let us go?
- Let's go.

Sorry.

Well.

Be careful!

Vow, the super-can! Zaporozhez model!

A piece of junk!

- They have scrambled eggs!
- With bacon! With sausages!

You'll have it too salt!

OK, I'll try to invite them...

- You mean dancing?
- Yep. Right! - Are you crazy?

- Would you permit to...?
- What?

Five to one.

OK, I'm reading, guys!
Jackson was embarrassed.

To shoot a woman? Never!

His frenzy subdued,
his mind was clear again.

And he cooled down considerably.
He found himself under the high vault...

Enough, enough, relax!

We continue our broadcasting from Moscow.
It is 10:31 p.m. Moscow time.

- Roma...
- What?

- Why aren't you sleeping?
- No, I'm sleeping already.

Diplomat, physicist... Primate...

Roman!

Could you help with the
name of a primate?

Gorilla.

- Doesn't fit in.
- Chimpanzee!

Three unshaved savages
We've got to get rid of them!

- How?
- How? At all costs!

- So, let's sleep? Good night.
- Cheers.

I'll switch off the light.

- We better spare the battery.
- I don't mind.

Good night!
It's after midnight already. Stop larking!

Well...
The normal vacation is spoiled!

- Everything is spoiled! I just knew it!
- This is what they need.

Personally, I don't care.
They chose the wrong guy!

You are quite nervous nowadays...

Stop shaking, OK?

- What are looking at?
- At the sea.

Stop it! Give me the binoculars.

I'm just curious,
what have you seen there...

Skip it!
An hour and a half passed...

Just an hour. So, what?
Why do you care?

- It's sad, Steve.
- What is so sad?

Look at them! These sauceboxes
swim like crazy dolphins!

Really? Let me have a look...

Let's swim back, uh?

Just a couple of minutes more.
Let them worry.

OK. I just forgot to tell you.

Yesterday, when I went swimming,
I saw one of them swimming after me.

So, I swam along for another 100 meters
and stretched myself flat on the water.

The diplomat swims up to me and
asks 'Aren't you afraid to drown?'

And?

Then, after swimming in circles
for some time, he says...

'Where could I possibly see you?
I just cannot remember!'

Have you reminded him that
you are the movie-star?

- No.
- And what happened?

Nothing, really.
He shrugged and swam to the shore.

- And that's it?
- No, it's not!

It's all kind of stupid. We live so close
to each other and don't even say hello.

- Really?
- Definitely! Like savages!

Every normal man wouldn't stay calm...

If he sees two girls drowning...

- Girls?
- Right, girls.

- It's a show off!
- Yes, just a simple reckoning.

What?

Hey, you diplomat!
Nothing! It's just logical.

Tell me, wise guy,
what do you mean by reckoning?

It's simple. They are playing on our
nerves! I'm not going to worry!

I know, I was married!

Don't say a word! OK?

Come on, girls, it is not safe
to swim so far from the shore.

Grab the ropes.

As you wish.

You plan to go round ever day?
I don't understand, really!

I told you, the normal
vacation is finished!

We could stand down, of course...

Wait! Hold it! Hold it!

And we could find another place...
But I think it won't be a smart decision.

- So, what do you suggest? Try to be more specific.
- I suggest to wait.

- We'll see what happens.
- Personally, I'm very optimistic.

Peaceful coexistence of
two different systems.

Well, to some extent - yes.

But I would excite passions...

And turn our joint camp into
some multifamily unit!

But no concessions!

- I won't make concessions!
- Sure! We are not enemies to ourselves!

No concessions are possible!

I don't mean concessions!

We are not going to
sacrifice our principles...

But we have to establish some
normal rules of coexistence! Understood?

No.

- Don't kid around with us! Would you explain?
- You can't say it in Russian, uh?

I'll try!

Look, he scratched the car!

The car is damaged! It's time to sell it!

- It's OK.
- So, what did you want to say?

- Just for example.
- Well?

- Do we have to say hello in the morning?
- He is right.

- I think it's natural!
- Right! -No!

- Not necessarily.
- Roma!

- Well...
- Well.

Guys! I've got an idea!

- Really?
- Yes!

- I suggest to draw the boundary!
- We've got the boundary already!

But it's in the air,
and I suggest to draw it on the ground!

- With what?
- We've got many cans! Empty cans!

- Right! You are a genius!
- Let's do it!

We'll get rid of these bold faces once
and for all! I'm sick and tired of it!

- Look, lip-stick smears.
- Really?

- Women are always women!
- I know for sure!

OK, enough! Our Doc has found
a pebble! Isn't it nice?

Perfect!

Now...

What are you writing?

Read.

Right. OK, I'll decorate the post.

Please.

Still I think it's stupid.

Why? We're having fun. OK,
let's do it. Give me a can.

As far as I noticed,
they are not going to say hello to us.

By the way,
we still don't know who they are!

We do know their last names.

I'm not interested in their biography.

Right, who could be interested
in biography? He's right.

Let's live this spot for the chair.

Like this?

- Steve, give me another can.
- Here.

Wait. What are we gonna
do with this trees?

- Let them have it!
- Just one?

There are two of them.

- OK. I'll take this one.
- Really?

- So, up to the next tree?
- Yes, make it straight. Quickly! Quickly!

Who are they after all?
Who are they, I'm asking?

Cool down! We'll know after the autopsy.

I'll lock my trunk in my wallet!

Steve, it more convenient
the other way round.

Right, the other way round.

By the way,
I feel foolish in their presence.

- In what sense?
- I mean the beard.

You see?

I warned you! The disintegration will
start with the shaving!

Come here!

Steve, I don't really like to shave!
My skin is very sensitive!

I like your attitude.

- I'm with you really, but I think it's stupid!
- It all depends.

Here they are.

Zoya, look!

- What are you doing?
- Wait!

- Don't touch my hand!
- The pulse is OK.

- Is it?
- Right!

Why do you hide in the car?

Wait! Are you scared?

- I have my principles!
- He is the man of principles!

You know, Natasha, I'm so
concerned with the health of my Leo.

I see.

How is he doing without me?

Don't worry! We'll send a telegram.

- Look, you should...
- Zoya!

The leader is definitely
this gloomy bearded guy!

I never saw him smiling!
He'll be the main obstacle.

Zoya, I really like this music.

- Make it louder, Natasha!
- Surely, Zoya!

They switched on the external irritator!

I told you many times, don't pay attention!
Stop twitching!

Steve, get out!

Get out, Steve!

- Get out, man!
- Never!

Get out, Steve! Get out!

Pull!

- Are you crazy?
- He is a tough guy!

- No wonder! He is a scientist!
- Psycho!

Will you please turn off the radio?

Haven't we made ourselves clear, girls?
Please, turn off the radio!

- So?
- Go there!

Will you please turn off the radio?

Louder!

Will you please turn off the radio?

- Roma!
- They'll pay for it!

- Ready?
- Wait. The last warning!

Stop shaking, Roma!
There is nobody inside!

Just switch off the radio!

- And where are they?
- Evaporated!

And what did we play for?

Quickly, Roma!

Have you fallen asleep there?

They'll come back soon!

What are you doing there?

Are you through?

Come on! Move it!

- Vadim!
- What?

- She is from police, understood?
- Who?

- Steve, come here!
- Just show me, what you've got!

Wait! What happened? What's the fuss?

Sensation, guys!
She is the police sergeant!

- Who?
- Natasha! Sergeant?

- It's all clear now.
- What is clear?

Why they were talking with us this way.

I would have never thought,
that she is from police!

I would have never thought,
that she is from police!

Can you imagine, who is Zoya, guys?

She must be the lieutenant!
They spend their vacation together!

The correct diagnosis!

Guys, I think we shouldn't make them mad!
It's not for me!

- Do you know, what does it mean?
- What?

The typical example of a power abuse!

But they are from police!

So what?
Female police-officer is still a woman.

- Yes?
- They are coming!

Put the photos back in the tent!

- Right.
- Quickly!

One, two...
We'll make it broader here. Fine...

What are you reading, Steve?
How interesting!

Jackson shot him in the back of his head!

- What a beastliness!
- What happened?

They switched off the radio!

Who dared? I don't believe my eyes!
Who switched off the radio?

Shame on you!
Who dared to switch off the radio?

It's me!

Let's check our belongings!

I hope, nothing is stolen!

There is nothing in my pockets!

- We've got to lock the tent somehow!
- I just tasted it! A tiny bit!

Natasha, we have to hide all these things!

Why are you making so much noise
over apiece

of chocolate? I'll reimburse it with sugar!

Leave the sugar to yourself!
And my French perfume?

- What?
- You took it!

Who? Just accidentally!
And I do apologize!

- Who needs your apologies?
- What can I offer them?

Your jelly.

- I told you hundred times, stay away from them!
- Just a tiny piece, Steve!

- Five to zero?
- Five years!

One year on parole.

Well, guys,
we decided not to make them mad...

The blood-colored sun was rising...

Get off with your detective!
I'm sick and tired of it!

Natasha, our method proved to be effective.

This diplomat is so nice after all...

When the guy is unshaved I
can't judge his appearance!

What did you stop at?

The most interesting scene.

Remember Jackson?
He escaped from the prison.

I wish I had his cares...

Steve! Sundukov! The blood-colored
sun was rising above the city.

Jackson was standing in front of the jail.

Peterson was standing close by.
Peterson was kissing his hands,

he was clenching his throat,
he hated his beard, his nose, his hair...

'Jackson!' said Peterson.
And suddenly a shot rang!

Roma!

- Are you sleeping?
- What?

- Listen, Jackson shot at me just now!
- But he missed?

Yes.

What happened, guys?

Vadim, Jackson shot at Sundukov!

- And he killed him?
- No, he missed.

Good night then.

- Sleep, my baby, brace up.
- Okay, okay...

- Sleep, my baby, sleep.
- Fine, fine.

The guys are just fooling about.
Let's sleep.

Don't worry, I won't get burned.

I just warned you. The rest is up to you.
Good morning.

Zoya, tell me, do
you really love your Leo?

He is so adorable!
Smart and talented!

And what a character!
Even more complex than Caesar's.

Dear Natasha, the main thing
is to make an animal feel,

that a man is stronger.
Do you want a peach?

No. So, under our circumstances
we have to make these guys feel

that the women are stronger?

Exactly, but I think we've got to change...

- The method of training...
- What do you suggest?

- We've got to change the tactics!
- How?

- Do we have persistence?
- You think so?

- Obviously! And we've got enough of self-control.
- Right.

- What we really miss is... tenderness...
- What?

- A tender approach!
- Yes, you are right!

OK, we'll start with the doc.

Doctor! Doctor! I'm sorry,
you are the doctor, right?

Yes.

- Can I ask for a favor?
- Try me.

- We are not going to reconcile with you, but...
- We didn't wrangle!

But our relations are so...

I'd prefer to leave this topic! Otherwise
we say something rude to each other!

In any case you have no
right to say "no"...

To a person who asks your help.

You are not drowning, are you?

It's not funny! Zoya is seriously sick,
and she needs your help!

- Really?
- Yes.

In this case, you came to the wrong man,
I can't help her!

- Be careful! You'll get hooked!
- Not a chance!

I never imagined that doctor
can be so ruthless!

There are still rude people around...

- What do you mean?
- I mean your doctor!

He is not rude at all!

He is kind,
good-mannered and respondent.

Really? I didn't notice!

What happened?

Zoya's got fever. Thank you.

Is she sick?

Yes. She's got sun-burned on the beach.

I hope something is left?

It's not funny.
You can't even imagine her sufferings!

And why didn't you tell us?

I told your friend.
He is the doctor, isn't he?

- Sorry, who is the doctor?
- He is!

Ah, Sundukov!

I don't really know his last name!

- You think he is a doctor?
- You call him "doc"!

Right, he is a doc...

But of physics and math.

- What a shame!
- It's okay.

But if you need a real doctor,
there is one in our company.

- You?
- No. But speaking frankly he is...

- What? What's wrong with you?
- Sorry. One minute.

- Something important came up!
- What?

- Move your hooves!
- You are walking along the string already!

- Zoya is burned!
- What do you mean "burned"?

Sun-burned on the beach!

- What am I supposed to do?
- It's obvious, to help! You are the doctor!

I hope you didn't dare to
say that I'm a vet?

- Sure, I didn't.
- What can I do?

You are the doctor! Just prescribe
something! Some ointment, some pills...

I'll ask Sundukov's advice!

You don't need Sundukov!
Are you crazy?

- You are right.
- Mister Vadim, I'm waiting for you!

Yes, one minute!

So what we were talking about?

You said that your friend is a...

A doctor, right.
And he is ready to help you.

- Thank you very much.
- You should have come to him in the first place.

Excuse me,
I thought you are the doctor!

I understood. Steve,
you know, Zoya is sick.

Roma!

- The patient is the tent, right?
- Yes, you may come in.

- May I come in?
- Who is there?

The doctor!

Do come in, doctor!

Hello.

Hello, doctor. Will you sit, please.

It's OK. Thank you.
What's wrong with you?

I've got sun-burned.

Have you got some spirits?

- You can take the perfume, doc.
- May I?

- Yes, please.
- Thank you.

Would you kindly...
Open your eyes, please.

Open your mouth.

Close your mouth.

Breath, please.
Once again. Please.

How could you?
Even donkeys hide in the shade.

- The Donkeys and you...
- What can you do for me, doc?

Does it hurt?
Have you got a sheet of paper?

There it is, under the chocolate bar.

By the way, doc, help yourself.

God forbid! I really hate
chocolate, thank you.

- I'll write down my prescription...
- Thank you, doc.

You know, it will be more
convenient for me outside, sorry.

- Here, your wool.
- Thank you.

Stop it! What is it for?

- May I? -Who is there?
- The doctor.

I didn't come to you.

Zoya, there is the doctor
for you! Please, come in.

You should apply regularly. On the back...

- Thank you, doc.
- You are welcome.

- Aren't you afraid to smear your pocket?
- In what sense?

It's quite simple. I mean my pen.

- Yes! I'm sorry, I didn't mean it.
- Tell me, doctor, what is your name?

- My last name?
- No, the name would be enough.

Roman.

Why are you so scared?

I'm not scared. Take care. Good by.

- The exit is to the left.
- Sorry.

How is she, doctor?

You, I think she'll be fine.

- I'm so worried!
- It's OK, I prescribed her the ointment!

- Thank you very much!
- No, no, no!

- Just give the prescription!
- I gave it to my patient.

Listen, I behaved like a fool!

I thought she was giving me money!

- Medicating?
- The sun-burn.

What's wrong with it?
Roma is the doctor.

And he just treated the poor girl!

She'll get well as fast as the cats do.

Don't wisecrack, please!

You better choose your words, Steve!

I'll buy some bread and cookies and order
your ointment in the apothecary.

Don't be long, Natasha!

- Sure! -And buy the magazine!
- Right!

Roma, I think we've got no bread too.

We don't need bread, we've got crackers.

You know, I sick of your crackers!
It's time to shift to fresh bread.

Move it...

- Are you going to the store?
- Yes. What else to grab?

Go, go! The ice broke up!

- Natasha!
- Yes?

Excuse me, don't you mind
if I call you Natasha?

It's OK with me.

You know, we don't have bread too.

- Don't you?
- Yes.

OK, let's go together, it's more fun.

Fine, but I think this is the wrong way.

- Why?
- This way we'll cut the corner.

Vadim is right after all!

We can't always ear crackers
if we can easily buy fresh bread!

- It's not a luxury!
- OK, enough!

Listen, you are always terrorizing us!
I'm tired of it!

No smoking, no shaving,
no nothing! Forget it!

Pump, please.

I'm doing it for two weeks already!
It's all my fault!

Everybody told me 'Roma,
go to sanatorium!'

Trade Union's, Ministry's - whatever.
You'll have full board...

Striped pajamas, lots of entertainment!

Stop pumping!

Look, what are you hinting at?

You brought us to this hole!

Wipe the wheel-cover.

OK. Who is it?

Steve, do you know this guy?

Just look at me! I lost my face!

You've got to have it!

Very funny! You are so full of humor!

Bring some water.

Fine! You are on duty, but I'm
supposed to bring water!

Cook the dinner!

- Again?
- Yes.

- Zarema Pavlovna!
- Just Zoya.

Do you need fresh water?

If you please. And do you know
where is the bucket?

Near your car.

You are absolutely right.

OK. You see?

We have two hours before dinner...

Where should we go?

- Sorry.
- It's entirely my fault.

So, soon you'll graduate from the
Foreign Relations College?

- Exactly.
- Just don't drop it!

- No! What are you looking for?
- Me?

- Yes.
- I'm looking for the prescription.

- It's here in my pocket.
- Really?

Yes. You know, what I suggest, Natasha?
Let's go to the movies.

To the movies? Forget it!

- What is so interesting in movies?
- What's wrong?

- You stepped on my foot!
- Did I?

I'm awfully sorry! But I think I
stood quite far from you!

Then it was somebody else.

- Let's go to a diner! Please!
- Where?

To a diner!

OK.

No, to the restaurant!

There is a new restaurant on the shore!

We'll just go there! And stop hugging me!

- I'm not hugging you!
- And who else?

Take your seat.

Excuse me, excuse me!
We're not serving now!

A bottle of dry wine, please.

- Not even a glass!
- Why?

Why? We are waiting
for the foreign guests!

What?

- A bottle of dry wine, sir?
- Yes, please.

One sec.

- You are so good at it!
- And what else to do?

Right. So, tell me what
countries have you been to?

- You traveled all over the world?
- Yes.

How very interesting!
Continue, please!

Please.

Don't bother, thank you.

I'm looking at you and think...

What if all the police
officers were like you?

You recognized me already?

If I hadn't known who you are

I would've never imagined
you in the role of the police officer!

Why so? They say I'm all
right in this role.

And you like your profession?

It's a strange question. Certainly.

And why did you choose
this profession?

- I dreamt about it since my childhood!
- Really?

And your parents were not against it?

No, my father even likes my profession.

- And who is your dad?
- Police captain.

- Who?
- Police captain. What's wrong with that?

- Nothing. Will you have more?
- Just a little.

Enough.

So, cheers, my tough police officer!

- With pleasure.
- And for your dad,

- For heredity.
- Thank you.

Am I disturbing you?

Tell me, are you really that physicist?

What physicist?

- The famous Sundukov.
- Yes, I am.

And what are working at now?
If it's not a top secret project...

- Now?
- Yes.

I'm splitting the fish!

No, seriously, what's new in physics?

Listen, when I am on vacation...

I'm discussing my
studies and private life.

Even with police!

What?

Nothing, really.
May I give you an advice?

No.

But still I'll advise you.

You know, you've chosen
the wrong place for vacation.

On your place I'd go to
the spa in Carlovy Vary.

- But I prefer sea-water!
- Really?

Yes!

What's wrong with you?

- And the ointment?
- Yes, I know.

Give it to me.

- Natasha.
- What?

- Let's go swimming.
- What?

- Swimming.
- No, I never swim late at night.

Let's just watch the waves.

No, we'll watch the waves
tomorrow. Good night.

Yes.

- Go! Go!
- Fine, I'm going!

- Not here! Go to your place!
- Not here? OK, I understand.

- Good night. That's it!
- Good night!

- Ouch!
- I'm sorry to wake you up, Zoya!

- What is it?
- Your ointment!

- Your medicine.
- The ointment? Thank you.

I wish you hadn't waken me up.
I had a very interesting dream.

I had a wonderful dream!

What?

- Listen, who is moaning over there?
- Roman is singing.

He is already singing?

I think he desperately
in love with you.

Really? Very good! It all goes
according to our plan!

And what about Vadim?

You mean the diplomat?
He is quite all right.

- What did you say?
- Just joking.

The gloomy one is still adamant!

And why are you so excited?
Where have you been?

Where have I been? At a restaurant! I bought
you the "Circus" magazine, by the way.

So, here is my dream! Circus!

Our usual show is going on,
but surprisingly you are assisting me!

What an idea!

What's wrong, gentlemen?

You are violating the city counsel order!

It's not allowed to appear in
shorts in public places!

Serg,..Calm down!
You must understand, it's a dream.

- What?
- A dream.

A dream? You may go then.

It was a... wonderful show!

Steve! I'm here!

Listen, were you moaning all night long?

- Where I was moaning?
- On the shore.

- I was singing.
- The moan they call a song...

- So, the day begins!
- Look at you in the mirror!

- What's the problem?
- You look dreadfully!

- Thin, exhausted! You are more dead than alive!
- What else is new?

You are gaining weight, Steve, I'm loosing
it! We are all different! Leave me alone!

- Good morning! -Good morning!
- Hello!

It's not a vacation when
somebody withers!

Shut up!

- Good morning!
- Hello. Why are you shouting? Withers?

The vacation is over, we are
living in the world of illusions!

I'm having a normal vacation, mate!

I'm happy for you.

And you are torturing yourself!
You'll eat yourself up! You like skeleton!

- Don't shout, guys!
- Who is the skeleton? Me?

Yes, you are the skeleton,
not the man!

So, I'm the skeleton?
You'll pay dearly for these words!

Where have you seen this kind of skeletons?
I'm sick of all this games!

I'm tired of being Robinson!
That's it! Enough!

Well, I have predicted it!
The disintegration at full blossom!

People without principles!

To shave or not to shave?

Traitors!

- May I?
- Thank you.

And now, if you allow me,
one more question.

Please.

You and your friend repeat
one name quite often...

You were eavesdropping?

No, we just involuntarily overhear...

Tiny bits of your conversation.

Quite often Zoya speaks about
some Leo. Is he her husband?

- Not exactly.
- I understand.

- Just a friend, and you know,
he is very jealous. - Really?

I wouldn't advise to meet him face to face.

But she loves him so
much and misses a lot!

- Natasha...
- Yes?

- I'm really sorry...
- It's quite surprising...

Excuse me. Can we talk candidly?

Sure.

- Let's sit down.
- Okay.

I don't know how to begin...

But just between us.
Whatever I say to you...

Sure.

I'm talking about one of my friends...

Whom?

Not the physicist, but vice versa...

What do you mean?

About Roman.

- About the doctor?
- Yes.

- How very interesting!
- You know, he is perishing!

- Perishing? What do you mean?
- That's it, perishing!

And what's the matter? Why?

Since we are talking candidly,
I'll tell you everything.

Roma had a girlfriend.

But when she found out that
he isn't the real doctor...

- What do you mean "not real"?
- He doesn't treat people...

- I don't understand.
- He is the vet!

So, she felt embarrassed to marry him.

It's simple, she didn't love him.

Yes, but it was a real tragedy for Roman.

Obviously.

He's sworn to ignore women.

And he became a convinced bachelor.

- How sad!
- Yes.

But something extraordinary
happened lately. He fell in love.

- With whom?
- With your friend.

- You mean Zoya, right?
- Yes.

And I don't know how to help him.

I'll go and tell her about it!

But you promised!

Oh, I forgot! So, I won't tell!

Roma!

Egoist! Damned hair-splitter!

Let him be covered with hair from
head to toes! It's enough for me!

What happened?

That's it! I want to shave, to cut my
hair to do whatever you are doing!

- Down with wild life!
- Listen... what if I...

- What?
- Shave too.

Do it! Who needs your goat-like beard?

Right! We are free!

- Vadim, have you talked with her?
- With whom?

- With Natasha. -With Natasha?
- Yes.

- God! Something bites me!
- Yes, I did.

What about Zoya?

She doesn't mind dating a vet.

But she's got this guy...

As far as I understood
he's a circus performer.

Tough, capricious, jealous...
Not a man, but a lion!

And what should I do?

What? Hoist up your flags! As far as
I understood he isn't her husband.

I guess, you don't mind that
she is a police officer.

After all there is a police
officer in every woman.

In the beginning she says:
'Don't start' and then...

'Follow me!'

This gloomy individual is
extremely dedicated man.

He's always with his umbrella.

- What do you want from him?
- Nothing.

Let's go.

How do I look?

Fine.

They are ready!

- What if Sundukov sees us?
- Down with serfdom!

- Do I look the same way?
- May be even worse.

- We have to get a suntan.
- And where is the sun?

- Hello! Hello.
- Good afternoon.

Hello.

When are you planning to take
your sun-clock from our territory?

Today, don't worry.

- Don't you notice anything, girls?
- What happened?

- Aren't we different?
- We don't understand what are you talking about!

Well...

You know, you were more
handsome with the beard.

Really?

You know, I warned him!

You too, by the way, were more
handsome with the beard.

- But it's OK. Let's go, Zoya.
- Where are you going?

To the Trade's Union sanatorium,
to watch the "Police Constable" movie.

It's "Police Sergeant"!

Listen, Vadim,
are we going to the cinema?

- OK, let's go to the town.
- After you.

Very smart invention!

- He's got nothing to do. He is having fun.
- Great guy.

He's brought mirrors from Moscow.

Do you think one can cook like that?

- Roman has got a proposal.
- Really?

- I suggest not to go the cinema.
- And what?

- We'll just have a walk.
- Right.

Is it your vocation?

No, no, no, not vocation.
I just wanted to be unusual doctor.

- A great one?
- No, just a vet.

Why?

You see, I had a dog when
I was little, and I loved it.

Right. I my friend just cut
off her tail. So, I took it...

And the dog was OK.

And you know,

it is more interesting with animals...

So, it is a northern country... And the
economy of it us totally dependent

on the foreign capital of the
United States and England.

- Very informative.
- Right?

Vadim, come here.

- Let's sit.
- With pleasure.

Speaking frankly, I am tired.

- What's wrong?
- Untie it, please.

I wanted to untie with my teeth.

Do you want to take it off?

- As you like.
- This way.

- I didn't think that you are like that.
- Like what?

What you are.

And like what I am?

You are so nice...

What do you say?

Unlike the men of your profession...

No, no, just before that.

I don't remember. So,
unlike the men of your

profession I don't treat
animals, I bring them up...

So, I understand, in a sense...

Yes, yes, and I deal not with
rabbits and not with sheep.

- Tell me, Zoya...
- Just Zoya... Oh, it's time to go.

Have you ever been in
dangerous situations?

Some times my actors...

- Your actors?
- That's how we call them.

They have long teeth
and bad characters,

but still I love them.

And every time I come
behind the bars,

I feel an excitement,
and I can't show it to them.

But you know, they know my character,

and they understand, whatever happens,
I am stronger than they are.

And they are grateful to me.

You are like Makarenko.

Yes, upbringing is very important.

But tell me, do volunteers help you?

- The volunteers?
- Well...

The ones in the uniform, you mean?

Listen, Roma,

what is the most important
thing in your job?

The most important?

I don't know.

- Patience, persistence...
- And look-out!

Tenderness.

Tenderness? What do you mean?
The tenderness in police?

Why police? In the circus.

- So, what about the emperor?
- What emperor?

- Constantine The Great you were
talking about... - Oh, yes.

Once he went to
conquer the nomads.

And he had his private vet,
somebody... Absyrde.

And he had written a great number
of articles on the vet science.

You found it in encyclopedia?

Thank you. Yes. No. Just I am a doctor,
and I have to know these things.

And you know, once
something funny happened...

Roma... you are overexcited!

And just imagine!

Just imagine, that I am asleep,
and you woke me up!

- Oh, sorry...
- Who could sleep now?

All normal people.

You could have been more polite!

Zoya. Stepan Ivanovich...

Stepan Ivanovich!

Sundukov!

Stepan Ivanovich, where is
the fish you promised?

What fish?

You promised a fresh fish.

I didn't promise you anything!

- Oh, sorry.
- Please.

Good night.

- Good night. Good night, I'm telling you!
- I can't sleep peacefully!

What's happening? Where are we going?
Just stop the car!

Are you crazy?

Shame on you!
You are a shameless person!

What happened?

- How many horse-powers you've got?
- Me?

Seventy five!

- And Zoya?
- Twenty five.

Eighteen!

Small fragile thing is standing
in the wind, under the sun!

Are you crazy?

- Roma! Who is it?
- Me, but without my beard!

I don't want to talk with you!

Steve, come down!
Just give me an advice.

What's wrong?

I love her, you know...

OK, you may love her if you want,
but I want to sleep!

All my life depends on it!
You know my situation.

Are you crazy?
You want to marry right now?

- You can't wait till morning?
- No.

OK, tomorrow I'll get
in my car and go home!

Stay here together and
do whatever you want!

- Wait! - You may fall in love,
get married, get divorced,

go mad! Enough!

You are not right! Listen to me.

What?

- I want to make her the proposal.
- So, do it!

- What?
- Sure.

Thank you.

- Roma!
- What?

- And how are you going to make it?
- What?

- The proposal!
- How?

That's not that easy. Listen, Roma...

Now, wait. I am not listening...
It's quiet an interesting question.

Right. Just imagine, that I am Zoya.

You?

Yes! And you are making
proposal to me. Come on!

Yes? Who is there?

- It's me.
- Roman?

No, Steve, I
am already in the tent.

OK. OK, knock!

- Zoya!
- Yes?

Let me be candid with you...

Sure!

This is stupid phrase! Candid?

And what's your answer?

Well, I know how!

- Zoya, have you been in love?
- No.

And if she says 'Yes'?

Yes, I loved, I was married,
I've got three kids!

That's a question!

Steve, tell me! If she refuses,
what should I do?

Listen, nothing!

You'll just apologize,
and get drowned in the sea!

You are so insensitive!
Just a chest, and not a man!

- Are we going to sanatorium?
- What for?

Dancing.

With pleasure,
but I will not come alone.

I will come with Roman.

That's all right. Zoya is coming too.
What is Sundukov's second name?

- Stepan Ivanovich.
- Stepan Ivanovich.

Yes?

Are you coming to dance with us?

- Where?
- To the sanatorium.

I am far beyond this age.

Why is he so angry?

He doesn't dance.
Don't pay attention.

So, we agreed?

You painted this?

Now I am Natasha! Get married
or get drowned! The sea is close!

- Are you crazy?
- Roaming around at night!

One comes, wakes me up, then goes...
Enough!

- So, you are jealous and mad?
- Nothing to be jealous about!

I thought, you are my friend!

Now, you walk till night,

and I am waiting as a faithful friend

for the happy lovers with
a cup of hot coffee!

- Have you shaved?
- Quiet! Quiet! Quiet!

Get off!

You are a wild man, bro.

- So, how was it?
- What?

- Well...
- Forget it!

- Look, the doctor is having fun.
- He is not a serious man.

Natasha, don't you think,
that our relations have gone too far?

- It seems to me, it's you to blame.
- Why?

You asked for tenderness.
So, have your tenderness.

Are you in love?

I don't know.
It can't last like that any more.

- We shall check tomorrow.
- What?

Their feelings.

Shut the door!

Oh, Jackson came!

- Forces of nature!
- Crazy!

- Give me the guitar!
- Come on!

Sorry.

Roma...

What?

What do you think, the love...
is also the force of nature?

Hey, guys, don't you remember,

where did I put the
receipts for the boats?

- Don't you know, Vadim?
- In the trunk.

OK, let's sleep, bros.

Will somebody
switch of the light?

Listen, professor, stop this!

- Vadim, I think...
- What? You fell in love.

- How do you know?
- It's quiet obvious.

- And you?
- What me? I'm in love too.

It's quiet awesome,
that she was happy,

when she found out, that I am a vet!

You are so silly, Roman. Why are you
so embarrassed of your profession?

- You know...
- Listen, let's go...

Vadim, look! And where is their car?

Zoya!

And there is no tent!

- Zoya!
- Natasha!

Look, may be, it's just a joke!

Not likely.

That's it! Gone!

- It's not possible!
- Just read the note! Here.

Dear guys, we decided to go,

because we don't want to disturb you.
We'll find a quiet place...

- Read! Read!
- The shore is quiet long.

Don't be upset with two police-officers,
who dared to disturb you.

- Be happy!
- Convinced?

- They are gone!
- I would've never expected it!

It's not possible!
Where could they...

No, no! There are no traces!

Yes, quiet professional!

Roma!

May be you offended them?

- No, I just took care of Zoya.
- And what's the problem?

We were taking care of them, we were
not rude... What's the problem?

- Gone!
- How strange!

Gone and didn't even say good-bye!
What a stupid man I am! What a stupid man!

Why did I tell her that I am a vet? Why?
Vadim, the second time!

We shall find them! We shall find!

Where?

Just read the note.

Dear guys...

Not here! In the middle! The shore is quite
long, and we'll find a quiet place.

You understand? They couldn't go far!
We just have to chase them!

Pack your things!

Pack your things and get in the car!

Oh, how mean! That's all lies! She is so
false! What a circus! Quiet place!

And this Natasha! I behaved like a fool!

She was swearing that she is not a
police-officer, but a movie-star!

The actress! Now I see what an
actress she is! That's the movie!

- Roma, let's go!
- Listen, where is Sundukov?

Every time the same story!
Steve! Sundukov!

Just Zoya! And she
pretended to be candid!

We are just an appropriate couple.
The trainer and the vet!

She performs with her lions in the
circus, and then I treat them!

I hate lions! I hate, hate women!

All of them! All of them!
I'll show her who is the trainer!

Where is he?

You can't start the engine?

No, don't tell me,

Steve was right, he said...

Vadim! I asked you not to
discharge the battery!

You finished reading this junk! Jackson
is a woman after all. The adventurist!

- Roma, the promised fish.
- Steve...

- Thank you.
- Steve, wipe your eyes!

Look, the tent, the car...
They are gone!

- That's it!
- Where?

Where...

It's OK, guys, we'll find out.

Interesting...

How is it possible? We lived together,
and then they just went away!

Love labor's lost! You
shouldn't have shaven!

Right.

And you behaved yourself like boys!

- Steve!
- And no clues, ah?

- Nothing! Nothing!
- It's too bad.

- Yes! Wait! The note!
- What note?

- Oh, this note!
- Why don't you say?

Steve, have a look.

Dear guys... Don't disturb...
Two police-officers...

Police-officers!

Clear. OK.

- Here. Keep it.
- Give it to me.

Yes. Have you packed all your things?

- Yes!
- Great, guys!

Time to go!

- It's thirty seven minutes past one.
- We don't have enough time!

- Wait!
- What?

- Where is the trailer?
- It's ready!

Great, guys!

Steve, dear, we have to...

What? I told you, they are adventurists!

So, we packed all the things...
So, let's go!

- Right!
- Guys, let's go!

- OK. So, you packed all the things, right?
- Yes, all the things!

- Stop torturing me!
- And this?

- I am sorry.
- Get in the car! Let's go!

- Where?
- Forward!

- What direction?
- Doesn't matter!

Just approximately!

Does it matter? Get in the car! Let's go!

Steve is a great guy!

So, we checked. And found out...

Natasha, shall we put up a tent?

As you wish! It's all the same for me.

- Have you written down their addresses?
- You didn't know, they would go.

- You didn't know? You wanted it!
- Yes, a silly situation.

Zoya, tell me,
would you like to see Roman?

- Yes, of course!
- Oh, you are so insensitive!

How can one have
so many principles?

So, you got what you wanted!

So, what did we get? Loneliness?

You treat people like your lions!

They are here!