Top Gear: The Worst Car in the History of the World (2012) - full transcript

Hello. And you've joined me in the
glorious, sumptuous town of Whitby

for what is normally a festival
of noise, speed, power

and tortured metaphors.

This year, though, things are
likely to be a little more dreary,

for reasons that will become
clear in three, two, one. Now.

Hello. I'm here with this thing
that appears to have risen

from the depths of Whitby Harbour,

because we're going to attempt to
answer a very important question.

What is the worst car in
the history of the world?

And obviously, I
couldn't let him do it

by himself because
he'd get it wrong.



Why would I get it wrong?

Because you're obsessed with
things that don't matter.

No, I'm not.

Yes, you are.

- I'm not.
- You are.

Look, I said you could only
appear in my programme

provided you promised that you

wouldn't argue with
me all the time.

I promised not to
argue with you if

you were reasonable
in my programme.

James, you're arguing now and we
haven't even got to the titles.

Yes, we have.

This is very nasty.

It's a FSO Polonez.



Built by communists
out of steel so thin

you could use it as a net curtain.

It is as reliable and as long
lasting as a pensioner's erection.

A point it made moments later.

Completely stopped.

With absolutely nothing
working at all.

Open.

Ah.

There's your problem.

Sparky bits.

Insulated.

Bloody hell, that's hot.

A-ha.

Let me talk you through some of
the equipment that is provided

as standard on this,
the luxury CE model.

It has a heated rear window.

Oh. I've found another
feature, air-conditioning.

Apparently,

the intermittent Fiat engine
in this has 1.5 litres,

which begs the question,
1.5 litres of what?

Cheese? Wallpaper paste?
Marbles? Earwigs?

Sadly, I wasn't able to
test out the performance

because the Polonez had another
little treat up its sleeve.

No, and it's broken down again.

There that's...

Okay, just count to 10,
Jeremy, count to 10.

Seven, eight, nine, ten.

You useless piece of...

Of course, history
has served up many

cars that drove as badly as this,

but few looked quite so terrible.

Amazingly, it was
styled by Giugiaro,

the man who gave us the
original Volkswagen Scirocco,

the Lotus Esprit, the BMW M1,

and countless other
breathtakingly beautiful cars.

I can only assume that here

he was experimenting with the
idea of trying to design a car

after consuming four
litres of absinthe.

All right, I've got it now.

Jeremy Clarkson is,
unusually, quite correct.

The Polonez is a
truly dreadful car.

However, I have found something
literally even worse.

This is the Mahindra CJ540 jeep.

And like the FSO, it, too, is
made from hand-me-down bits.

But they're much worse bits.

It started life as Willys jeep,

the thing that American
servicemen used

to distribute
chocolates and nylons

all around the European
theatre in World War II.

When the war was over,
the Indians decided

they would keep on making it,
but with a few alterations.

Firstly, they ruined
the suspension

by taking it off and replacing
it with some old road drills.

And then, in order to accommodate

the second-hand Peugeot diesel
engine they'd been given,

they had to raise the bonnet line.

That spoiled its good
square-jawed, war-winning looks.

Now it just looks as if it's
been given a massive wedgie.

It's so woeful on so
many levels, this thing.

But the steering...

I don't know what means are
used to connect this wheel

to the wheels at the
front, and it's loose.

Look. It's gonna fall off.

That's if I don't fall out.

You could, of course, argue
that this is a comedy car,

that you're driving it ironically.

But it's not a joke, you see,
because jokes are funny.

And this isn't funny. This is...

And if Jeremy thinks that FSO is
slow, he is being delusional.

A point I shall now demonstrate

with the traditional Top
Gear quarter-mile drag race.

2.1 litres, 62 horsepower.

Three, two, one.

Oh, no.

Jeremy's lost his knob.

No.

It's neck-and-neck.

I'm growing a beard.

It's a photo finish.

And the photo showed nothing
between their rubbishness.

Both these cars are very horrid.

But strangely, neither is
the worst car in the world

and here's why.

History, of course,
is littered with

thousands of extremely nasty cars.

The Lada Samara springs
immediately to mind.

And what was that thing that
you drove once, the Hyundai...

Yes, the three-cylinder
Accident diesel.

That was very poor.

The thing is, though, all the
cars we're talking about here,

and the jeep thing and the FSO,

they're all cheap, and
cheap is a good thing.

Yes, and that's the point
we're here to make.

Here, in the glorious
surroundings of Yorkshire,

we're going to look for a car
that is terrible but not cheap.

Yeah, and made by a manufacturer
that should have known better.

Yes, and when we find
it, which we will,

we've got a plan for
what to do with it.

Yeah, it is a brilliant plan,

and if you want, you
can fast-forward

to the end and find
out what it is.

But of course if you do
that you'd miss this.

The brand-new Ferrari 458 Spider.

A car that both James
and I agree is

the best mid-engine supercar ever.

When you take the roof off a car,

obviously it loses
a bit of rigidity.

And it gets heavier because they
have to put more stiffening in.

Everybody always says that.
Can you tell the difference?

Let me just be exuberant
for a moment.

Be exuberant for a moment.

- No.
- Good.

Okay, so there's no downside,
but the upside is,

you can hear more of that.

- And it's sort of more theatre.
- Yeah, absolutely.

In a Ferrari, everything

from the shape to the sensation
of really tiny things,

like touching those paddles,

is somehow slightly better defined
than it is anywhere else.

And it has more tactile meaning,
do you know what I mean?

Stop talking. I want to
listen to the noise.

It's a performance artwork.

It's like music and dance. That
is what it's like, I think.

That's why it's so
much better than

something like the Mercedes SLS.

And it's funny I should
mention that, actually.

What?

That's why this is so
much better than an SLS.

You have long argued that
that car is better than this.

It is.

You've just been waxing about
this car and how wonderful it is.

No, no, no, no, no.

As a car, the Mercedes is better
for going to the shops for milk

on a wet November evening.

Trust me, that is a better car.

It's got a boot at the back,
the engine's at the front.

It's less showy,
it's a better car.

Less showy?

- Overtake it.
- It's not possible.

He's got more brake
horsepower than I have.

One.

- What?
- One.

One what?

He's got one more
brake horsepower.

There you are, it's more.

Right, neatly through
the chicane. Beans.

- Now I'm stuck.
- You lifted off.

I didn't.

This is fraudulent.
You're cheating.

Unsurprisingly, after
just five laps,

the SLS tyres gave in.

And it was relegated to the pits.

That's a perfect demonstration of
what's wrong with it, you see.

One hundred extra
pound feet of torque,

and all it does is
destroy the tyres.

I like a car that eats itself.

- No, you don't.
- I do. It's savagery.

What does that extra one hundred
pound feet of torque do?

Other than send you to
a tyre depot. Sooner.

- It's not funny.
- It is funny.

What this has proved then

is that with the 458, Ferrari
knows what it's doing.

And has done for
the last 65 years.

The Ferrari back catalogue
is a cocktail of perfection.

A symphony of intelligence, flair,

technical innovation and art.

So, what were they
thinking of when,

in 1980, they came
up with the Mondial.

This is Lennon and
McCartney's Egg Man.

Rubbish.

Six thousand people

bought one of these,
assuming, reasonably enough,

that it would be terrific.

It's a Ferrari, it has styling
by Pininfarina, a V8 engine.

All the things that
make a Ferrari great.

But...

It's slower than a Golf GTI.

And it doesn't handle as well.

Who did they have
in mind when they

designed the seating position?

I mean, I have
reasonably long legs,

but not exceptionally so.

If I put the seat in
the right position,

the steering wheel is pretty
much sawing my testicles off.

And things are even
worse in the back.

The rear seats look as though
they were designed for somebody

with no body below the pelvis.

If you're one of those
brave people who thinks

"I'm not going to buy a
small family hatchback,

"I'm gonna buy a cheap Ferrari."

You'd probably end up
with one of these.

And you would be
bitterly disappointed.

James, do you mind if I ask
you a rhetorical question?

Carry on.

Is there anything else wrong with
the Mondial that you can think of?

No, I think I've covered
pretty much everything.

Really?

Oh, no. There was one of...

Actually, if you stick
your head down there...

- Yes.
- I can demonstrate it to you.

Yeah.

So, what it's doing
is, it's feeding

the petrol from the fuel tank

directly back into
the earth again,

without going through the engine.

Yes, it doesn't bother
with any of that

pesky internal combustion nonsense

that other cars do.

Here, end it.

However; it was by no means

the worst catastrophe
in Ferrari's history

because if that was Lennon
and McCartney's Egg Man,

this is Chuck Berry's Ding A Ling.

Built to celebrate Ferrari's
50th anniversary,

it was launched in 1995,

48 years after the
company was founded.

The idea was very simple.

Ferrari wanted to make an
everyday Formula 1 car,

so that 349 of their
better-off customers

could experience on the road

what Jean Alesi and Gerhard Berger

were experiencing back
then on the track.

Of course, some changes had
to be made to the F1 engine

before it would work in, say,
traffic or on a roundabout

or in a garage or on a motorway.

Or in fact anywhere it
might actually be used.

So the V12 in this shows
almost nothing in common

with an F1 V12.

This one only revs to 8,500.

It's a 4.7, so it's bigger.

And while it makes a lot of noise,

it's not really the sound you
get from an F1 car, is it?

Whoops.

The only really Formula
1 thing about it

is that it's a stress member,
it's a part of the chassis.

It's bolted directly to the tub.

Which means, of
course, it's bolted

directly to the driver's spine.

And that means he
gets to feel every

single one of the vibrations.

There was a weight issue, too.

Formula 1 cars do not need
head lamps or indicators,

or even a sodding great battery.

This did.

And nor do Formula 1 cars have
to meet noise regulations.

And what's more,
F1 cars don't need

rubber in their suspension bushes

to protect the occupants
from shattering

every time the car
goes over an amoeba.

It's nothing like a Formula 1 car.

And nor is it anything like
a car you'd want to drive.

Or look at.

What is was, was a big
expensive mongrel.

Obviously, as cars, the Ferraris
are nowhere near as bad as the

Mahindra and the FSO.

But, when you consider
what they cost,

and what you were expecting,

actually, they're worse.

Mind you, when it comes
to disappointment

it's hard to beat the BMW X3.

It's supposed to be a more
compact version of the X5 4x4.

But it's a bit like going out with
a two-third scale Dolly Parton

and expecting her to be just as
comfortable to rest your head on.

The ride is not very good.

It's not particularly
good off-road,

and it's not very spacious.

But more to the point, the
proportions are all wrong.

It looks like what
happens when somebody

takes a very well-known car shape

and tries to use it as the
basis of a novelty telephone.

If this had been built
by Hyundai or Kia,

then you wouldn't worry.

But it wasn't built
by Hyundai or Kia

It was built by the same
company, at the same time,

and by the same people
who built this.

This, of course, is an M3,
a limited edition M3.

£1,000 more than the standard car.

And for that you get
£4,000 worth of extras.

So you're paying £1,000 extra

and you're getting 4,000 quid's
worth of stuff you don't want,

in a car that's already
gone out of production.

Yes, it is, though, mechanically
the same as the standard car.

Which means it is

pretty much perfect.

It's really civilised and quiet,
and normal and brilliant,

and then you can drive it
like a complete hooligan.

In almost every other performance
car you drive these days,

the noise you hear is the exhaust.

- Yeah.
- Listen to this.

That noise is coming from the
front, that's induction noise.

Yeah, it is. The
noise of an engine

working, which is quite nice.

Why don't I have
one of these cars?

I mean, in the past
you couldn't...

No, no, no, no, no.

Because they were COT cars.

Top of the COT, actually.

They were. They were
top of the COT.

Every time you saw an M3

you saw somebody you would never
have round for dinner driving it.

But they've all now sort of
migrated, I think to Audis.

You can bring anything
you like to the party,

this will eat it, burp,
and be on its way.

BMW are making many great
cars at the moment.

All of which make the X3
look like a village idiot

in a family of geniuses.

Then we get to the
question of America.

This is a country that
has been to the Moon.

It gave the world the Ipod.

It broke the sound barrier,

and runs a fleet
of nuclear-powered

33 knot airports.

This is a country that can post a

cruise missile through
your letterbox

from 6,000 miles away.

So you would expect
it to be the home

of the greatest
cars on the planet.

It isn't though.

There's the AMC Pacer,

the Chevrolet Corvair,

the Chevy Vega,

the Cadillac Cimarron,

The Pontiac Aztek.

The Ford Pinto. And of course,

the Thunderbird/Rd.

And then, we have these two.

On your left, the Lincoln
Continental Mark IV,

and on your right, the
Buick LeSabre Custom.

Both were designed to give the
discerning American customer

an unrivalled blend of
craftsmanship, power and luxury.

And here we have a modern
European equivalent.

The BMW M5.

It is, of course, a
lot more expensive.

This one is around £85,000.

But, there's a very
good reason for that,

as we shall now demonstrate.

- Well, not us.
- No, obviously not us.

No, we've entrusted the job
to someone very special.

We dragged him all the way up here

to the car park of
Darlington football club.

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome...

The Stig's Yorkshire cousin.

The Stig is going to demonstrate
the superiority of the BMW in...

A auto test.

So, here goes Stig
on one timed lap.

One, go.

He's spinning away all of
the Beemer's 560 horsepower

burning into the Darlington
Football Club car park there.

First obstacle, okay,
it's the doughnut box.

The Stig making use of the BMW's

brilliant 50-50
weight distribution,

and now two almost
perfect doughnuts.

He's slowed down.

How's he doing that?

He sped up again, and he's out.

The Stig now exiting the box
heading back down the car park

to the double left-right chicanes.

How's he doing there?

He's turning the wheel
one way then the other,

and now he's going round
a corner very fast.

Smoke coming off the
back of the tyres

and he goes round some tyres.

And soon, he'll be driving
into an imaginary garage

made out of green cones.

You just watch this.

There it is.

Right, he stops by
pressing the brake pedal.

Now he puts it in reverse
ready for the j-turn.

Reverse as fast as you
can, flick the wheel,

jam on the brake, front
will slide round.

The two-ton Beemer, there it goes.

And here he is now with...

He's slowed down again.

No, wait. He's... Now
he's back to full speed.

And that's a good thing.

All he's gotta do now is
get to the finish line.

And stop. Now.

One minute, 18.29.

And now, we have to try and
beat that in our American cars,

and bagsy I have the Lincoln.

Okay, I'm very happy with
the Buick LeSabre Custom.

How big's your engine?

5.7 litres.

Seven litre, V8 motor.

160 horsepower in the Buick.

It's 200 horsepower, okay?

How do they get so few
horsepower from a V8 motor?

I don't know.

But it isn't about
power anyway, this.

This is about agility, precision.

Fortunately for us,
the rain had come,

meaning our slides
would be easier.

Three, two, one...

And we're off.

Right, here he is.

Into the box for the doughnuts.

Squeeze the brakes.

Ooh, he's locked up.

That's not a doughnut as such.

And we're out and we're
ready for the slalom.

We'll get lots of power now.

James has a Rolls-Royce Corniche

so he's used to the
wallow and the roll.

Figure of eight.

Look at the angle
that wheel achieves

when he's going round the corner.

That's beyond belief.

Beautiful.

So, j-turn.

Right, hold the thing,
foot ready, reverse...

That'll do.

This is really a
shambolic display,

demonstrating that the
car must be terrible

because James is
very good at this.

A little bit of under-steer

as he heads for home,

to stop precisely in the box.

Three minutes, 34.85 seconds.

With James having doubled
the Stig's lap time,

I was feeling confident
in the USS Lincoln.

Massive wheel-spin.

Oh, look at that.

One of the big problems I
have is that I'm sitting

over 10 feet from the
front of the car.

The bonnet itself is six
feet, six inches long.

Power.

No.

Stalled.

In Europe, cars are built
to the nearest millimetre.

In America, it's to
the nearest foot.

- Come on, you wazzock.
- Power.

And he's out.

He's out and he's
heading for the slalom.

I'd stand back.

Now, lean in.

Whoa.

Lovely to watch. Look
at the way it just...

It's like a mountain
goat the way it...

Oh, and he's lost a hubcap.

Three speed gear box.

The Americans, of course,
terribly confused by the concept

of four or five.

Six is something they
don't understand at all.

Oh, my God.

Ah. I'm out of the road.

Utter rubbish.

I think when they were
designing this car,

no one in any meeting ever
used the word "precision".

Into the box for the j-turn.

J-turn.

And brake flick.

Just a magnificent display
of agility, poise.

And now it's the home straight.

The sun is coming out to
celebrate a fine victory.

And...

Stop.

In four minutes, 7.97 seconds.

Now, the thing is, okay,
this was the slowest

and therefore the worst, the
Lincoln Continental Mark IV.

So is this, do you think,
worthy of the special treatment

that we have lined up at
the end of the programme?

No. No, no, no. Think about it.

It's not really
appropriate, is it?

Why?

It's American.

Oh, yes.

Let's move swiftly on to Lancia.

As we have said in the past

Lancia has made more truly
great cars over the years

than anyone else.

The Delta Integrale.

The Gamma.

The Stratos.

The 037.

Etcetera, etcetera.

So, what are they up to now?

This is where Lancia's
greatness has led it.

It's a city car based on the
Fiat 500, but not quite as good.

So you have to ask,
"What is the point?"

It's called the Ypsilon, after
a letter in the Greek alphabet

to make it sound intellectual.

But unfortunately,
they spoilt the effect

by giving it the facial
expression of a moron.

The only good thing about this,
I suppose, is that you can say,

"I have a Lancia", unless
you're in Britain,

because over here, for reasons
we don't really understand,

this is badged and
sold as a Chrysler.

That's a bit like Mont Blanc
making a fabulous new pen

and then calling it "The BIC".

And so, from Lancia to Alfa Romeo,

another car company whose
history is peppered with gold.

In the 1950 Formula
1 championship,

Alfa won all but one of the races.

And on the road they
were the kings.

The Spider was the very
embodiment of European chic.

And then, there was the Alfa
Sud, one of the best handling

front-wheel drive
cars of all time.

Which brings us on to the GTV6,

styled by Giugiaro when he
wasn't off his face on absinthe,

it was a glorious looking thing.

And it was propelled by an engine
of unparalleled creaminess

and zest.

I love this engine so much
that I actually bought a GTV6

and that's why I'm
qualified to tell

you that it's a genuine contender

for the worst car in the world.

First of all, it was a hatch back.

But you couldn't fold
the rear seats down

because they put the
petrol tank in the way.

And sadly, I can't show you that

because the boot release
button has broken.

This, however, in the
big scheme of things,

is nothing.

When I had a GTV6, I remember
driving along one day,

50 miles an hour.

And the rod connecting the
gear lever at the front

with the gearbox which
was at the back,

fell off and landed
on the prop shaft.

Now, this made a noise,

similar I guess, to the
sound made by the Red Sea

when it was parted.

It also locked up the rear
wheels, causing a massive spin.

Other things,

you always had to
put a broom handle

between the clutch pedal
and the driver's seat

to stop the clutch
plates welding together.

The driving position was
suitable only for an ape.

Oh, and the sunroof leaked.

In many ways then,
it was like having

a moody, bad-tempered,
drunken girlfriend.

But, you would persevere

because she has the face of an
angel, the body of a supermodel,

and once in a while, she'd
let you get around...

Yes, thank you.

I agree. The GTV is not
without its faults.

But let's be honest,
it's highly unlikely

that the worst car in the
world is going to be Italian,

because even when
they're not very good,

they're still somehow rather nice.

That brings us neatly
onto the French.

This is a Citroen Pluriel,
which is unconvertible.

And to explain what's
wrong with it,

we need to start by
looking at a Mazda MX-5.

If you want to lower
the roof on this

or indeed, any other convertible,

you simply push a button
and in a matter of seconds

a series of electric motors
does the job on your behalf.

Done.

Citroen, however, decided
that there was a better way.

I do know that somehow
this whole panel

and this comes off.

Ow.

It just doesn't make
any sense at all.

Here we go.

"The rear part of the movable
floor should be retracted."

How do you...

Why is it this complicated?

The rear tailgate should be open.

I know.

After literally 10 minutes,
I had to summon assistance

from a man in an anorak.

I see, right there.

Lift this... Ah. A few centimetres

"till it clicks in place,
pivot the cassette..."

First get a degree in
Mechanical Engineering.

Jesus wept.

So there we are in just

22 minutes,

the Citroen has been converted

into a

fresh air machine.

And I think the weather
looks good for a while.

There is another problem
with this system.

The bits you've removed
won't fit in the car,

which means you have to
go out without them.

Now, that of course is fine if
you live in the Atacama Desert

where it never rains.

But, here in Whitby,

it does.

The only solution
that I can think of

is to be followed everywhere
you go by a man in a van,

with your roof in the back.

This, of course, is a
very expensive solution.

Even the blithering idiot that
I've employed is costing me

£4,500 a year.

And he will also need
a clothing allowance

because when it
does start to rain,

his favourite t-shirt
will be ruined

before he's had a chance
to reassemble the car.

While he's doing this, I
shall talk you through

some of the other problems
with this hateful little car.

It takes 25 seconds
to change gear.

It is the flobberiest
convertible I've driven

since the Saab 900.

And nothing on God's green
earth says, "I'm a clot",

better than a Citroen Pluriel.

Come on, I'm paying
you £90 a week.

Hurry up. I'm getting
soggy trousers here.

It's very badly designed, sir.

But for sheer idiocy,

the roof on this
Citroen is nothing...

compared with Saab's
Sensonic gearbox.

Here's how it works.

There is a gear stick like you
find in any normal, manual car.

But, there's no clutch
pedal because the clutch

is operated automatically
by the car's brain.

Now, the idea is it's the
best of both worlds.

You get the control and precision
of a manual gear change,

but the easy life convenience
of an automatic.

And if you're just,
sort of, driving about

as I am here, then it
works perfectly well.

However, it can be
a bit problematic

under certain circumstances.

Aha. A space.

And it is the one thing

that the driver of the Sensonic
Saab 900 fears the most.

It's the reverse, uphill
parallel parking manoeuvre.

And this is going
to be a bit tricky.

Just to increase my chances,
I'll lower the roof.

I'm just watching
James May park a car.

I suggest you all do the same.

It's always entertaining.

Oh, the roof's coming off.

Now, here is the issue.

If this was a normal manual car,

I'd be able to reverse, feeding
the clutch very gently

and very subtly, to go
backwards into the space.

If it was an automatic,
I'd put it in reverse

and the torque converter would, of

course, make the car
creep backwards.

In this, when I take
my foot off the brake,

it will simply roll away.

So, in reverse,

no clutch, remember?

Try and use the handbrake.

There we are going backwards,

but the instant you
lift your foot a bit,

the clutch disengages
and does that, you see?

You can't hold it like you
can with the normal clutch.

It isn't that sophisticated.

Right, now let's try
the parking manoeuvre.

Of course, nobody
is watching this,

which makes it a lot easier.

- Are we struggling?
- No.

I'm explaining to everybody the
problem is that you can't park.

No, the problem... Oh, I'll
explain it to you later.

So, brake...

Are we going backwards? I've
got it, feather it a bit.

No, it's gonna go forwards,
no, it's gonna go backwards.

No, it's gonna go backwards.

This is quite good. It's
gonna go backwards.

And it's gonna go backwards.
No, it's rolling forward.

It's so difficult to do.

Wait for it.

So, try and give it
a bit more revenge.

Then it...

That is exactly the problem
with the Sensonic Saab.

You cannot get it into a
parking space, can you?

And then when you let
your foot off the brake,

because it doesn't have a
creep function, it does that.

Is that parked?

Yeah.

It's impossible.

It's true. Saab's Sensonic
gearbox was dreadful.

But I've just thought
of something worse.

I will admit that today's Porsche
911 is really not bad at all.

But things used to be different.

This is a 1991 911 Carrera RS.

And it was terrible

All cars can kill you, but
this one actively wanted to.

It had a full arsenal of
handling characteristics,

and though James disagrees,
all of them were fatal.

Come on, James, you have to
admit, 911's are a bit tragic.

No, they're not tragic, Jeremy.

They are proper sports cars

for discerning enthusiasts who
know what they're talking about.

That's what they're
supposed to be.

But they're just codpieces

for gentlemen whose sausages
have started to wilt.

Don't be... Look,
we did agree that

we wouldn't let this degenerate

into a pointless
slanging match. Come on.

You can't expect me to
stand here like a bush

while you explain
this is a good car.

Well, it's not the
best 911, all right.

But it isn't that bad.

It's supposed to hark back
to "the iconic" 2.7 litre RS

from '73 and it doesn't.

What do you mean, "iconic"?

Well, that's what
Porsche people do.

I decided at this point that the
best way to get back at Jeremy

would be to sink to his level.

To do that I'd have
to start with this.

This is a Ford Capri.

Now, most people hanker
after the German engine,

2.8 injection, but
not me, no, no, no.

You want the early one, the
Essex engine, three-litre.

The Capri was to Europe, what
the Mustang was to America.

It meant that people who had
only hoped for a dreary saloon,

could now own an exotic two-door.

And for the same sort of money.

Proper job.

Suddenly, your saloon driver got
a proper array of instruments,

hip-hugging seats and a bonnet
that stretched to the horizon.

And this engine,

it has the honest,
no-nonsense muscularity

of a man who's spent 40
years working in a foundry.

You ask the owner of this
to lend you a stepladder,

and he will.

No problem.

Mate.

The three-litre Capri
is one of those cars

that defined my youth.

Yes, we all had posters
of Italian exotics,

but the Capri, we knew
was within reach.

It gave us hope.

Sadly, 20 years on,
all the hope had gone

and they built this.

The Escort Cosworth.

A car Jeremy loved so much
that he bought two of them...

That's why I've arranged for
him to be otherwise occupied

so I can tell you
that it's rubbish.

James, what is this?

First off, it wasn't really
an Escort, it was a Sierra

with a fake Escort body on it.

But never mind that.

The real problem is that it
was as rough as old boot.

The early cars were fitted with
an oversized turbo-charger

which made the power delivery

as crass and unsubtle as
the owner's chat-up lines.

So, Ford had a bit
of a rethink and

fitted a smaller turbo-charger

which was a great idea.

But, that took the power
down from 227 horsepower

to 217.

Now that, of course,
meant it was slower.

And that defeated the point
because the sort of person

who owned an Escort Cossie

could only really talk about how
fast the Escort Cossie was.

It's just crass.

If you drove this past the
famous Top Gear cock-o-metre

the needle would just fly right
off the end of the scale.

James.

What I bet he's failing
to tell you in there,

is that car was styled by the same
man who did the Aston Martin DB9.

It's impossible to imagine that
Ford could do any worse than this.

But, in 2005,

they did.

The Ford GT.

Now, the original car, the
GT40, that was a true great,

a real working-class hero that

whupped the toffs'
asses at Le Mans.

More important than the first
Labour Party victory, really.

But this later,
"tribute band version",

this is not a great.

This is a chintzy, fatuous trinket

for sad fantasists.

Jeremy had one.

The original GT40 was
actually quite a petite car.

But this one, rather like the

people who bought
it, to be honest,

has become slovenly and a
bit broad in the beam.

The result of that is you
can't really use it properly

on the sort of road where it
ought to be fun like this one

because it's just too wide.

Whenever I see people in one
of these, I always think,

"Get over it.

"That's not a GT40.
You're not Steve McQueen.

"You're not at Le Mans.

"This isn't the '60s.

"It's over. Let it drop. Please."

At this point Jeremy
managed to escape

and had something to say.

This is a Rolls-Royce Phantom,

a car which demonstrates
to the world

that Rolls knows more
than anyone else

about the four pillars of luxury.

Space, light, comfort
and quietness.

It is a superb piece
of engineering.

However, in the past, things used
to be a little bit different.

This is a 1972
Rolls-Royce Corniche,

specifically, it's James May's
1972 Rolls-Royce Corniche.

You can tell it's
his partly because

it's the slowest car
I've ever driven,

partly because
everything is absolutely

spotless.

Achoo. Sorry, James.

And partly because
he's in the boot.

Ci.

Jeremy.

The reason he's in
the boot is so I

can explain without interruption

why this is worthy of the
treatment we've lined up

for the worst car in the world.

Rolls-Royces used to be bought by

people you'd have
round for dinner.

But, by the time this came along,
the clever money had been replaced

by a raft of television
celebrities,

many of whom were called "Jimmy".

Jimmy Tarbuck.

Jimmy Davidson, and of
course, more recently,

Jimmy May.

Ow.

There were technical
problems, too.

Hydraulics controlled
the rear suspension,

steering and the brakes.

So, if there was
one small problem,

the whole car stopped working.

And of course, everything was
handmade, so replacement parts

never quite fitted properly.

Mercedes Benz invented the car.

And ever since, has
made magnificent cars.

This is a 280SL
Pagoda, magnificent.

This is a 450SLC.

It's magnificent.

But not all their cars
have been magnificent.

Not at all.

As I speak,

Jeremy is out there in a
6.2 litre AMG C63 black.

Unfortunately, you can't hear
what he has to say about it

because I've disconnected
his microphone.

However, I can give you
a pretty good idea.

I would imagine

that he's currently talking
about the enormity

of the differential.

But neglecting to tell you that
it takes 15 minutes to warm up,

it's so Victorian. So,

until then, you can't turn
left or right at junctions.

I would imagine just then as
he was going around and around

in a cloud of smoke, he would
have been talking about

how much torque the
engine develops.

And I can tell you how
much it is. It's too much.

That's why, out on
this track, a set

of tyres last for just 25 miles.

What a colossal
knuckle-draggers' car.

And that isn't the
worst AMG Mercedes.

Oh, no.

Come with me.

This is the Mercedes
SLS, a stupid car.

This is the Mercedes
SLS, it's a stupid car,

an ostentatious vulgarity for
people racked with self-doubt.

Though it has a 583 horsepower V8,

which of course, is a marvellous
thing, nothing wrong with power.

But power is only good...

Power is only good if you
can actually use it.

And in this car, the engine is
merely a very elaborate way

of ridding the world
of pesky tyres.

I hardly touched it.

What sort of a moron
would buy a car

as dreadful, as dreary,
as a Fiat Panda.

You'd have to be a woolly-headed
oaf with a wardrobe full of

stupid stripy jumpers and
idiotic floral shirts,

and at night you drone on and on
in front of your friends about

gravity and maths and
steam locomotives.

And then you'd explain that pencil
sharpeners are interesting.

Hang on a minute.

James. There's been a bit of
an accident with your car.

At this point we decided
to call a truce

and stop simply insulting
each other's cars.

So we found a local golf course

and had a debate about which
car would be most fitting

for our special treatment.

Not bad.

Have we talked about Fiat?

Doblo.

But I think the Doblo's good.

Oh, come on.

- No, but I know...
- It's as good as your jumper.

But the Doblo isn't bad, isn't
it? It looks quite amusing.

It is bad, it's shocking...

No, I'm not giving you the Doblo.

- You're not having that for sure.
- Is it still me?

Yes.

Can I tell you something I've
never ever owned up to before?

But we all know, Jeremy
don't worry about it.

I've never ever...

I've never driven a Seat.

I have.

Are they rubbish?

Well, they're dull.

You know, they're
just like cheap VW's.

Could we include some of
those old British marques?

What about...

- Wolseley Hornet.
- Exactly, Triumph Mayflower.

The Austin Healey 3000,

which everybody thinks is
wonderful, but it's terrible.

MG RV8.

That was a hopeless, hopeless car,

- fitted with a massive engine...
- And looked terrible.

It's in the woods.

James.

- What?
- James?

- What?
- May.

- What?
- Rolls-Royce Camargue.

No, I love it.

What?

They were great,
rode really well...

They weren't great,
they were shocking.

Hurry up and hit your ball.

What about the Vauxhall Vectra?

No.

I would rather have
double pneumonia

than a Vectra.

What's the score?

- About equal.
- Yeah.

Well, we haven't really
talked about the Japanese.

Hang on.

I mean, the Japanese have made
a lot of dull cars, but...

Right. Suzuki X90.

Oh, very good. Very good.

The one that looks exactly
the same going backwards...

Yes, and had a bit
taken out the middle.

That's not bad.

What about Toyota?

I mean, what about the
Corolla? That's...

But it's not bad car, is
it? It's just boring.

Yeah, boring. But,
I tell you what.

Toyota gives me an idea.

This is a Lexus LFA.

A car I've looked forward to
driving for about 12 years.

So, is it disappointing?

No, not even a little bit.

How would you describe this?

Well, it's tricky because it's
too wide to be a sports car,

it's too sort of raw
to be a GT car.

And the engine's in the front.

So it isn't a supercar.

The only thing it does remind
me of a bit is the Ferrari,

the GTO, the 599 GTO.

- What? Kato?
- Kato, yeah.

They're both front engines.

They both sort of
road-going racers.

And they both cost about £340,000.

Although, the difference is,
this isn't trying to kill us.

With its car kung fu.

No, the Ferrari is
more mental than

this, more powerful than this.

Driving one of those is
like being machine gunned.

I mean, it's just starting
now to spit with rain.

If I was in a GTO, some
poo would be coming out.

But in this...

More would be coming out
of me, in fairness.

This is just brilliant.

You certainly don't want to get
the LFA in a game of top trumps.

The 4.8 litre V10 produces
just 552 horsepower.

Over a hundred less
than the 599 GTO.

It does 0-60 in a
yawning 3.7 seconds.

And the top speed is only just
on the right side of 200.

It isn't even particularly
striking to look at.

And yet...

You know they took nine years
to design and develop this car.

Nine years.

You know, it was actually
ready after five yea rs.

It was ready to go into production
and they suddenly said,

"No, hang on, we don't want
to make it out of aluminium,

"we want to make it
out of carbon fibre."

And then they started again.

They did, they went back
to the drawing board.

Then there were endless
laps at the Nurburgring.

Quite a mistake.

There were endless tiny
adjustments to the steering,

and the brakes and the
exhaust, until it was

absolutely perfect.

It actually feels like you're
sitting inside a machine.

Lexus normally do
everything they can

to disguise that their
cars are machines.

But in this, they are
acknowledging, celebrating,

that you're being propelled by
bits of metal flying around.

You know what this car feels like?

A racing car.

It really does.

And sounds like one.

Oh.

It's bloody brilliant.

It is a beautiful piece
of engineering, this.

It has a single clutch,
paddle shift, gear box

because that gives a
better mechanical feel

than a trendy double
clutch system.

And it has a trans axle, for
better weight distribution.

I'll tell you what this is,
it's is an intelligent car

made by intelligent people.

It's actually highbrow.

The trouble is there's one other

highbrow Japanese
car on the market.

The Nissan GTR.

How much is one of those?

About 70,000.

And how much was this again?

340,000.

Right.

That really was the only bit
of lunacy with the LFA.

The price.

So, let's have a
look now at a Toyota

that doesn't cost quite so much.

The brand new GT 86.

On paper it doesn't sound
very exciting at all.

It has a two-litre engine which
produces less than 200 horsepower.

And as a result, it has a
top speed from the 1980s

and the 0-60 time of a not
particularly dramatic animal.

So, it's not very fast and it
doesn't look very exciting either.

But do not be fooled
by appearances

or the lowly £25,000 price tag

because this is one
of the best cars

I have driven in ages.

The engine may be small but
it's a Subaru boxer unit.

So the centre of
gravity is very low.

There's a proper snicky,

six-speed manual gearbox.

And joy of joys, drive
goes to the back.

And I haven't got to
the master stroke yet.

In recent years, car manufacturers
have been obsessed with grip.

How fast a car can
go round a corner.

And that of course means
fitting low profile fat tyres.

With this though, Toyota have
done the exact opposite.

It is fitted with
tyres from a Prius.

Skinny, ecological,
not grippy at all.

And the results are dramatic.

Okay, turn in.

And immediately the
back is sliding.

And you have all the
lock in the world,

just enough power, to hold the
slide for as long as you like.

Or, until the tyres burst, anyway.

This is just fantastic.

You can be Ken Block on
every single roundabout.

You can break traction without
ever breaking the speed limit.

I'm doing this at
20 miles an hour.

That would be legal in
a residential zone.

Probably.

Plainly then, this £25,000 Toyota

was designed by enthusiasts
for enthusiasts.

So, what on earth
were they thinking of

when they built this.

This is a Lexus SC 430.

Hideous, isn't it?

For inspiration, the stylists
from japan and Europe

went to the Cote d'Azur to study
the architecture, the lifestyle

and the harbours.

Ah, well, that's what they
told their bosses they'd done.

So you're suggesting
they went on a holiday.

Well...

Yes, certainly.

"We could go to south of France
and study things," Yeah, right.

They haven't drunk any
beer or wine at all.

They claim the 430 looks like
a south of France yacht.

But I'm not so sure.

One thing's for sure, it is
a lot more Buick Riviera,

than it is French Riviera.

Under the bonnet,
there's a 4.3 litre

V8 which developed 300 horsepower.

That's about half what it needs.

Well, interestingly, the electric

roof takes 25 seconds
to fold away.

Which is about twice
as long as it should.

Do you know they made the roof
out of aluminium to save weight?

Yeah, but why did they do that
and then put this wood in it,

because that's not light, is it?

No, no, it gets worse, watch.

More wood is on its way.

- What sort of wood is that?
- They claim it's maple.

- Is it?
- Is it?

Of course, you might forgive all

this stuff if it
was nice to drive.

But it wasn't.

This half-timbered steering wheel

is about as communicative
as a half-timbered cottage.

You have no idea what the
front wheels are doing.

Yeah, but never mind that.
Have you felt the ride?

The ride in this thing is
absolutely diabolical.

This isn't a
particularly bad road.

No, and look at us. We're bouncing
around all over the place.

Lexus trying to build a
luxury sports cruiser

in the mould of the Mercedes SL

is like us two
designing a golf bat.

It just wouldn't be any good.

There's only one word to describe

the sort of person who
would buy this car.

An American

More specifically an
elderly American.

Because this was the
last car ever made

to be fitted as standard
with a cassette player.

Was it really?

I didn't know that
but I'm glad I do.

Says it all.

This then is
definitely a contender

for our special treatment.

This 35-year-old Peugeot
however, isn't.

This is a great Peugeot.

The 504 Estate.

It was built to conquer Africa.

It was as rugged and as
dependable as a Maasai warrior.

It was also quite a bit more
practical than a Maasai warrior,

so it conquered quite a bit
of urban Europe as well.

Later Peugeot stopped making cars
for Africa and came up with this.

A car for the complex at Croft.

I remember thinking
back in the late '70s

there would never be a hot
hatchback as good as a Golf GTI.

This was, though.

The expression "joie de vivre",
you're probably familiar with it.

It's French for Peugeot 205 GTI.

So if you were buying a
Peugeot you would expect

a blend of these qualities.

Toughness, ruggedness, forged
on the anvil of Africa.

And peppy, puppy dog enthusiasm.

But, no.

Today's Peugeots are
a sea of awfulness.

And rising to the
top of this cesspit

of utter woefulness is this.

The Peugeot 308.

- Diesel.
- Diesel.

Let's unpack this pile of
peu de chien, actually.

We'll start with its face.

Because admittedly, this
isn't the biggest gob

we've seen on a Peugeot
in recent years.

But it isn't small enough.

And it's like one of those
local councillor's faces.

Do you know what I mean? Promising
a lot, but delivering nothing.

The ride, for example,
okay. It's quite

firm in an un-French sort of way,

and yet it handles like a
big bag of damp laundry.

It feels all weighty and turgid.

The controls feel turgid.

- But, James, if I may?
- You may.

The modern day
Peugeot does provide

a valuable public service.

How does it?

Because in the '70s, all
bad drivers had Volvos.

So you saw a Volvo, you knew

it was being driven by someone
who couldn't drive very well.

And just because it was in the
left lane indicating left

didn't necessarily mean it was
actually going to turn left.

Yes.

Then Volvo started
making good cars.

So the bad drivers
migrated to Rover.

Then Rover went bust, so the
people who were buying Rovers

- are now in Peugeots.
- Yes.

So actually, they're quite useful.

I was teaching my daughter
to drive the other day.

And she went, "Now mirrors..."
I said, "Never mind

"mirror signal manoeuvre.

"The first thing you have
to know as a new driver is,

"see a Peugeot, just
cover the brake pedal."

We asked Yorkshire Stig
to test it for us.

And this was his response.

This car, then, meets
all of our criteria

for the title of Worst
Car in the World.

It's not very nice to drive,
it's not very nice to look at.

It doesn't appear to
be very well made.

It's no cheaper than its
vastly superior rivals.

It's not very comfortable,
nor is it very fast.

It's made by a manufacturer
that really should know better.

It's lazy, it's slovenly, it's
unimaginative and we hate it.

But, James, do we
hate it as much as

we hate this filthy, filthy Lexus?

Well, that's a slightly
ridiculous question.

It's like asking me which of
your legs I hate the most,

the left one or the right one.

We have to make our minds up.

Only one thing was for sure.

One of these cars was going
to get our special treatment.

So we're agreed.

Yes.

We're prepared to name the
worst car in the world ever.

The worst car in the world, all
things considered, ever, yes.

The car that we're going to...

- Yes.
- Yeah.

This then is what we think

is the worst car, all things
considered, of all time.

The Lexus SC 430.

And what we're going
to do is very simple.

We are going to give it
to someone who we think

will appreciate it very much.

That's right, we're on our
way to his house right now.

This is it, isn't it?

That's the... That's it.

Wait for it.

That'll stop burglars.

Just go very gently
over the gravely drive.

Don't no big throttle.

Now just gently, gently.

No, we don't want to wake him up.

He's going to love it.

I think he's going to love
it, just stop there, stop.

Off, off, off, off.

Don't slam the door.

So...

Who would live in a
house like this?

Let's... Let's examine
the evidence.

Well, we've got electric gates.

No...

Hideous French-style
water feature.

Yes.

And a pillared porch.

Absolutely, and there's
more evidence still.

We know we're looking
at a wealthy man.

- Definitely.
- But...

The American flag.

And over there unless
I'm very much mistaken,

that's a Ford Mustang.

Hang on, hang on. Look at these.

These are like...

These are like lions but somebody
has carved their own face in them.

Who on earth would carve their
own face into a stone lion?

Plainly, somebody with
incredibly small feet.

Look at that.

It's a size 5.

And that's the biggest one there.

Look, to be brutally honest, it's

time we put you out
of your misery.

The person to whom
we have bequeathed

the worst car in the world,
all things considered,

his name appears on,

the V5 document for
the Lexus SC 430.

And here it is...

It's Mr Richard Hammond.

Now listen, you pop that
through the letterbox, okay?

All right, okay.

Because all that remains
for us to do now

is take away his Ford
Mustang in part exchange.

Have you got the key?

It's a '60s Ford, you can
start it with a teaspoon.

Get to work.

- Aha.
- Excellent.

Thank you for watching.

- Yes, goodbye.
- Goodbye.