Time after Time (2011) - full transcript
Thirty year old Richard Kerm knew that he wanted to be an investigative journalist ever since he was a teenager, he dropping out of school at age sixteen to work at The Eagle - the local newspaper edited by Burt Delfino - in his hometown of Glenville, population 5,100. He left the paper, Glenville, and his fiancée, Jackie Bell, the mayor's daughter, at nineteen, he who vowed to Jackie that he would be back after his first raise so that they could get married, his return and thus the marriage which never happened, with not a word to her. Instead, Richard moved from one medium sized newspaper to another, each job lasting on average one year, he continually running away largely out of dissatisfaction. An incident with his current job at the Tulsa Standard Bearer is the straw that breaks the proverbial camel's back with this career. Unsure exactly why, he feels compelled to return to Glenville for the first time since he left eleven years ago. He finds that the town has not changed at all - Del still running The Eagle - with nothing much ever happening. He also finds that Jackie still lives there, she taking over where her father left off both running the family restaurant and the town as mayor. Jackie, angry with Richard below the surface, has moved on in her life without him, she seriously dating another of their high school classmates, now Dr. Jeff Farley. One new person in town is fifty-five year old Dick Woodstein, who works at the paper. Dick and Richard not only have their given name and being journalists in common, but among other things a love of meatloaf and having the same birthday twenty-five years apart. Richard will eventually learn but will slow to accept the reason for these similarities: Dick is really Richard twenty-five years in the future. Dick has come from the future to make sure that Richard makes the right choices at this crucial stage of his life, including marrying Jackie, which may be easier said than done seeing as to her current feelings toward him, her serious relationship with Jeff, and another of their classmates, now teacher Anna Palindrome, having her eyes on Richard. Even if Richard is able to get Jackie to fall in love with him all over again, he will further learn that Dick has ulterior motives for returning, in part in dealing with an issue concerning Jackie's mayoralty and Richard's career in combination, one possible action by Richard, mirroring what happened with his Tulsa job, which could make Jackie hate him in the present as he would not have any substantive evidence as to his story, with the opposing action of doing nothing which would ruin their relationship and their lives sometime in the near future.
[♪♪]
I DON'T FEEL GOOD
ABOUT THIS, CARL.
YEAH, WELL,
YOU SHOULD,
IT'S A GREAT PIECE.
THE SOURCE
IS QUESTIONABLE.
IT'S TOO SOON
TO RUN WITH IT.
YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,
THIS IS HOW THE BUSINESS
WORKS THESE DAYS, RICHARD.
PASSING OFF
RUMOR AS TRUTH?
DESTROYING CAREERS?
I'M TIRED OF BEING AN ASSASSIN.
LOOK, RICHARD,
THE 24/7 NEWS CHANNELS
AND THE BLOGS ARE KILLING US.
IT'S EITHER
KEEP PACE OR DIE.
CARL, JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER DAY
TO GET MORE SUBSTANTIATION.
SORRY.
GOT A DEADLINE!
KFZH HAS JUST LEARNED
THAT DAN JANKOWSKI,
THE CHIEF SUPERVISOR
OF THE CITY
COMPTROLLER'S OFFICE
IS DEAD.
JANKOWSKI WAS THE SUBJECT
OF A STORY BY RICHARD KERM,
THAT BROKE IN THIS EVENING'S
STANDARDBEARER,
ACCUSING HIGHER-UPS
IN THE COMPTROLLER'S OFFICE
OF MISAPPROPRIATING FUNDS.
INITIAL WORD
FROM A TULSA POLICE DEPARTMENT
SPOKESPERSON
IS THAT
IT'S A POSSIBLE SUICIDE.
[♪♪]
♪ IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME ♪
♪ THROUGH THE YEARS ♪
♪ TO STAND AT YOUR DOORWAY ♪
♪ IF I COULD TURN
BACK THE PAGES ♪
♪ REWRITE MY WORDS ♪
♪ FIND A LITTLE COURAGE ♪
♪ IF I COULD HOLD YOUR HAND ♪
♪ TELL YOU JUST HOW MUCH
YOU MEAN TO ME ♪
♪ I'D STARE YOU DOWN ♪
♪ PROMISE
I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU ♪
♪ IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME ♪
♪ I'D DRY YOUR TEARS ♪
♪ MEND WHAT WAS BROKEN ♪
♪ IF I COULD ONLY RIGHT
ONE WRONG ♪
♪ I'D OPEN UP ♪
♪ BREAK ALL THE SILENCE ♪
♪ AND I WOULD TAKE YOUR HAND ♪
♪ TELL YOU JUST HOW MUCH
YOU MEAN TO ME ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STARE ME DOWN ♪
♪ AND PROMISE ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME? ♪
[♪♪]
HI.
HI.
DUSTY, WHERE'S
MY EDITORIAL--
[CHUCKLES IN DISBELIEF]
[LAUGHING]
WOW, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU BROKE MY HEART
WHEN YOU LEFT ME FOR
THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION.
OH, COME ON, DEL, I WAS 19.
A BUCK 75 AN HOUR INCREASE
WAS A LOT OF MONEY THEN.
LOST TRACK OF YOU
AFTER THE HERALD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HEY, MY PULITZER PRIZE,
WHERE'D I PUT THAT?
MUST HAVE I LEFT IT
IN MY OTHER PANTS.
THE, UH...
TOWN HASN'T CHANGED.
YEAH, WELL, NEITHER
HAS THE NEWS.
I'M JUST ABOUT TO
PROOFREAD THE STORY
ON THIS YEAR'S
PIE-EATING CONTEST.
WOW, THEY'RE STILL
DOING THAT, HUH?
REMEMBER THE YEAR
I LET YOU COVER IT,
AND YOU TRIED TO DO
AN EXPOSE ON THE WINNER
FOR EATING HALF-FILLED PIES?
YOU WERE ONE HARD CASE, KID.
WELL, THAT WAS THEN.
SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU
BACK TO MAYBERRY, OPIE?
UH, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I JUST LOST
EDIE BREWER TO MOTHERHOOD,
SO I'M IN THE MARKET
FOR A REPORTER,
ESPECIALLY A BUM
OF YOUR CALIBER.
THANKS, DEL,
BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG
I'M GOING TO STICK AROUND--
GOOD, YOU CAN HAVE
YOUR OLD OFFICE.
[♪♪]
HI!
I JUST WENT
ON A COFFEE RUN.
HERE.
THANKS.
WE KIND OF MET EARLIER
AT THE OFFICE?
RIGHT.
RICHARD KERM.
I KNOW.
WELCOME ABOARD.
WOW, WORD
TRAVELS FAST.
NOT REALLY SURE
IF I'M STAYING.
I'M EDITOR
OF THE CLASSIFIEDS.
I REMEMBER DOING
THE CLASSIFIEDS.
I WAS PROMOTED
FROM THE MAILROOM.
I KNOW.
YOU WERE 16.
COPYWRITER AT 17.
THEN YOUNGEST COPYWRITER
AT THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION.
THEN YOUNGEST JOURNALIST
AT THE CLARION.
NOTICE I SAID "JOURNALIST,"
NOT "REPORTER".
I HATE "REPORTER."
YEAH, ME TOO.
YOUNGEST WRITER
AT THE TIMES.
QUIT.
A YEAR AT
THE BOSTON GAZETTE.
QUIT.
VANCOUVER POST, QUIT.
ROCHESTER AMERICAN, QUIT.
SEEMS TO BE A THEME
HAPPENING HERE.
SACRAMENTO BEE, FIRED.
WHOA, HOW DID THAT
GET IN THERE?
TULSA STANDARDBEARER,
QUIT,
AND THAT BRINGS US
BACK TO "DOE."
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS?
WHEN YOU QUIT
HIGH SCHOOL
TO GO INTO
THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS,
IT WAS A BOOK
THAT INFLUENCED YOU.
"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
I'M ABOUT AN INCH AWAY
FROM BEING FREAKED OUT.
THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.
AND WHEN YOU LEFT HERE
FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE,
YOU PROMISED JACKIE
YOU'D MARRY HER
AS SOON AS YOU GOT
YOUR FIRST RAISE,
BUT YOU NEVER CAME BACK.
OKAY, THIS ISN'T FUNNY
ANYMORE.
SHE'S STILL OVER
AT THE RESTAURANT, BY THE WAY.
WHO ARE YOU REALLY?
I'VE GOT COFFEE TO DELIVER,
BUT I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
[♪♪]
HERE YOU GO.
PRETTY GOOD
SWEET POTATO FRIES,
HUH?
I LIKES IT.
SO YOU PROBABLY WANT ME
TO TELL MOOSE.
MM-HMM.
OKAY...
HEY, MOOSE!
THE BLANE KIDS
LIKE YOUR FRIES!
[BELLOWING LIKE A MOOSE]
[LAUGHING]
MOOSE, THE USUAL FOR TUG!
AND THE BLANE KIDS
STILL LIKE YOUR FRIES.
[MOOSE BELLOWING]
[KIDS LAUGHING]
TUG, STOP STARING AT MY BUTT.
HMM? OH!
I'M NOT. I...
I JUST, UH, DROPPED MY FORK.
OH, MUST HAVE BEEN
ONE OF THOSE RUBBER FORKS,
'CAUSE I DIDN'T HEAR IT.
[RINGS BELL]
GEEZ, JACKIE!
I'M SORRY, OKAY?
UH, T-TUG, YOU REMEMBER
RICHARD KERM?
HUH?
OH, YEAH,
YOU SAT NEXT TO ME
IN GEOMETRY.
I COPIED OFF YOU.
YOU'RE SOME KIND OF
NEWSPAPER BIGSHOT.
NO, NOT REALLY.
OKAY, WELL, I GOTTA GO
CHANGE MY PANTS.
THIS ONE SPILLED
COFFEE ON ME.
BE CAREFUL,
SHE'S ONE ANGRY SKIRT.
I DIDN'T TELL HIM
I WAS COPYING FROM
THE GIRL IN FRONT OF US,
WHO, I'M PRETTY SURE
WAS COPYING FROM HIM.
[SIGHS]
YOU LOOK GREAT.
OH, THANKS.
[STAMMERS] SO...
HOW'S YOUR MOM?
SHE'S OKAY.
SHE TRAVELS A LOT.
BEEN AROUND THE WORLD
A BUNCH OF TIMES.
I GET THE OCCASIONAL
POSTCARD, PHONE CALL.
SO SHE NEVER REMARRIED?
NO.
I THINK SHE STILL HASN'T
GOTTEN OVER DAD.
LOOK, JACKIE,
I, UH...
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
NO.
NO, YOU DON'T.
JACKIE, BE HONEST,
DOES THE CILANTRO
OVERPOWER THE LEEKS?
MOOSE, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
KERMIE?
NO WAY, MAN!
[LAUGHING]
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
THE BIG CHEESE
NEWSPAPER REPORTER.
THE, UH,
THE GOURMET CHEF.
EVER THINK YOU'D HEAR
THE WORD "CILANTRO"
COMING OFF THESE LIPS?
HEY, MOOSE, REMEMBER
WHAT YOU USED TO DO
WHEN YOU WERE CREAMING
AN OPPOSING QUARTERBACK?
[BOTH BELLOWING]
[LAUGHING]
[KIDS GIGGLE OUT FRONT]
HEY, MY FANS AWAIT.
LATER.
HEY, REALLY GOOD
TO SEE YOU, MAN.
YOU TOO, BUDDY.
ALWAYS LOVED THE MOOSE CALL.
SO...
UH, CATCH ME UP.
OKAY, UM, LET'S SEE...
GRADUATED.
WENT TO EUROPE TO FIND MYSELF.
FOUND MYSELF,
AND THEN I PUT OFF COLLEGE
TO HELP MY FOLKS
WITH THE RESTAURANT,
AND THEN THEY RETIRED
TO ARIZONA,
SO THAT WAS THE END
OF JACKIE'S LAW CAREER,
AND THEN
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,
I GOT MARRIED.
THEN SIX MONTHS LATER,
DIVORCED.
I'M SORRY.
LOOK, JACKIE, I STILL FEEL
AWFUL ABOUT WHAT I DID--
RICHARD,
THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO.
I'M OKAY WITH IT.
REMEMBER THIS PLACE?
YEAH, HOW COULD I FORGET?
WE MADE OUT IN HERE
UNTIL WE HAD ICICLES
GROWING FROM OUR NOSES.
[RICHARD GROANS]
OH, MY GOD.
WHO THROWS A CHICKEN?
I... I HAVE BEEN REHEARSING WHAT
I WAS GOING TO SAY TO YOU
FOR 11 YEARS,
AND IT WAS
REALLY SMART,
AND TOUGH,
AND HEARTFELT.
I AM SO SORRY.
IT-IT'S OKAY.
I DESERVE IT.
NO, IT IS NOT OKAY.
OH, WOW,
THAT IS A NASTY GASH.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I DID.
AH!
NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT-IT'S OKAY.
I JUST NEED
SOMETHING COLD
TO STOP THE BLEEDING.
[WINCING]
OH, GOD...
IT FEELS MUCH BETTER,
THANK YOU.
LET ME
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
COME BY LATER.
I WILL BAKE YOU
A MEATLOAF.
YOU USED TO ALWAYS
LIKE OUR MEATLOAF.
YOU REMEMBER.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
STILL WITH THE PEAS
AND PEARL ONIONS?
AND THE MUSHROOM GRAVY.
UM, HEY, DO YOU KNOW
THIS GUY, DICK,
WHO WORKS AT THE EAGLE?
YEAH, HE'S NEW IN TOWN.
HE'S A SWEETHEART.
A MEATLOAF LOVER
LIKE YOU.
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
NOTHING.
I-I REALLY AM SORRY.
AH, I THINK IT ALREADY
STOPPED BLEEDING.
HI.
HEY.
WHERE'S, UH, DOC FARLEY?
YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.
RICHARD?
JEFF FARLEY.
WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.
JEFF, HEY...
WOW, LOOK AT YOU, HUH?
A DOCTOR JUST LIKE
YOUR OLD MAN.
YEAH, I TOOK OVER HIS PRACTICE.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
REPORTER, RIGHT?
JOURNALIST.
HOW'S THAT GOING FOR YOU?
[EXHALES AWKWARDLY]
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
YEAH, WHOA.
YEAH, STITCHES
FOR YOU.
HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?
UH, YOU KNOW,
I WAS GETTING OUT OF
THE CAR, AND BOOM.
HEAD HITS THE ROOF.
REALLY?
THERE YOU ARE,
GENTLEMEN. ENJOY.
YOU HUNGRY?
I'LL SEE IF WE CAN
GET SOMETHING FOR YOU.
[RINGS BELL]
HEY, YOU WATCH IT, BUDDY.
YOU'RE ABUSING
YOUR BELL PRIVILEGES.
YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST
TO TELL ME THAT.
HOW'S YOUR HEAD?
IT'S GOOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT WAS, UM...
[TSKS NONCHALANTLY]
YEAH.
SO, WHERE'S THIS MEATLOAF
I'VE BEEN DEPRIVED OF
FOR 11 YEARS?
IN DUE TIME.
[POPS BEER CAP]
IT'S YOUR TURN
TO CATCH ME UP.
RICHARD KERM,
THE MISSING YEARS.
MAKE ME PROUD.
LIES OR TRUTH?
TRUTH.
WELL, UH, SIMPLY PUT,
MY LIFE HASN'T TURNED OUT
THE WAY I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
OH.
WELL, WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
WE MEET ONCE A MONTH
AND THE DUES ARE TAX DEDUCTIBLE.
IT'S THE BIRTHDAY BOY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
KERMIE!
DO YOU THINK I'D FORGET
YOUR 30th?
WELL, I'M TRYING TO.
OKAY, WELL, STOP WHINING
AND BLOW 'EM OUT.
[SIGHS]
MEATLOAF?
MM-HMM.
[CHUCKLES]
[BLOWS OUT CANDLES]
WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO MAKE A TOAST.
TO RICHARD,
WHO AS A YOUTH
HAD THE CAJONES
TO LEAVE GLENVILLE
TO PURSUE HIS DREAM.
TO THE RETURN
OF THE PRODIGAL SON!
HEAR, HEAR.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
♪ WHEN THE BRIGHT MORNING LIGHT
IS DONE BURNING ♪
♪ STUMBLE AND TURN
BLINDLY REACHING FOR THE WALL ♪
♪ AND IT'S ALWAYS
AS DARK AS YOU REMEMBER ♪
WHO SAID
YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN?
ANNA!
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
NEITHER HAVE YOU.
SO, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING THESE DAYS?
TEACHING HISTORY
AT THE HIGH SCHOOL.
IT KEEPS THE KIDS
AWAY FROM TELEVISION
FOR SEVEN HOURS A DAY.
I REMEMBER
YOU IDOLIZED J.D. SALINGER,
I WAS AN AYN RAND GROUPIE,
AND WE WOULD ARGUE--
ABOUT WHICH ONE
WAS RESPONSIBLE
FOR SCREWING UP
AMERICA'S YOUTH, YES!
I WOULD LOVE IF YOU COULD
TALK TO MY CLASS
ABOUT HOW THE POWER OF THE MEDIA
IS RESPONSIBLE FOR
SCREWING UP AMERICA'S YOUTH.
I'M REALLY NOT SURE
IF I'M STAYING.
YOU LET ME KNOW.
MM-HMM.
GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN, RICHARD.
YOU TOO.
♪ ...TURN DOWN
THE WAY I WENT BEFORE ♪
FROZEN CHICKENS CAN DO
A LOT OF DAMAGE.
YEAH, GREAT,
IT'S ALL OVER TOWN
ALREADY, HUH?
NOPE.
SORRY ABOUT EARLIER.
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO FREAK YOU OUT.
SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING,
ISN'T SHE?
BUT THEN YOU ALWAYS DID
LIKE FEISTY WOMEN.
OKAY, GAME OVER.
YOU'VE THOUGHT
A LOT ABOUT HER
OVER THE LAST
11 YEARS.
OKAY, CAN YOU
STOP THIS NOW?
MAYBE YOU'RE GETTING
A SECOND CHANCE.
IF SHE DIDN'T FEEL
ANYTHING FOR YOU,
WHY DID SHE DENT YOUR HEAD?
HEY, JACKIE,
CAN YOU BELIEVE
BIRTHDAY BOY DID THAT
GETTING OUT OF
HIS CAR TODAY?
AH...
OCCUPATION: KLUTZ.
[CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]
HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
MY OLD BOYFRIEND
MEETS MY NEW BOYFRIEND.
[♪♪]
I'M SORRY
ABOUT JACKIE.
GEEZ!
WHAT DO YOU GOT,
MUFFLERS ON YOUR SHOES?
AH, LOOK,
I GOT CAUGHT UP IN SOME
SILLY, ROMANTIC FAIRY TALE
FOR FIVE SECONDS,
BUT IT'S OVER.
YOU KNOW, AND I...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS EXPECTING TO FIND
COMING BACK HERE
ANYWAYS.
WHAT WERE YOU HOPING TO FIND?
WELL, CERTAINLY NOT YOU.
WHAT'S WITH
THE NEHRU JACKET, MAN?
THOSE THINGS WENT
OUT OF STYLE IN THE '60s.
THEY CAME BACK
IN THE SPRING OF 2035.
ARE THEY EXPECTING YOU
BACK AT THE NUTHOUSE?
IT WAS PAINFUL FOR ME, TOO.
WHAT WAS?
RELIVING THAT MOMENT
WITH JACKIE.
ALL RIGHT, WHO ARE YOU?
DON'T YOU KNOW?
I'M YOU, RICHARD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, THE 55-YEAR-OLD YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO US.
[CHUCKLES]
OH, YOU'RE ME, HUH?
WELL, THEN,
TELL ME HOW YOU GOT HERE?
OH, WAIT, NO,
LET ME GUESS.
IT WAS A TIME WARP?
MAYBE A WRONG TURN
AT THE TWILIGHT ZONE?
NONE OF THOSE.
I WAS ALONE IN MY PERSONAL UNIT
REGRETTING DECISIONS
I'D MADE IN MY LIFE
AND WISHING I COULD SOMEHOW
RECTIFY THEM,
WHEN I INADVERTENTLY PLUGGED
THE PROTEIN IONIZER
INTO THE CARBOHYDRATE PORT
OF MY NOURISHMENT DELSENATOR,
AND POOF!
INTO THE PAST.
AT LEAST, I THINK
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
ANYWAY, HERE I AM.
UH-HUH,
AND, UH, I IMAGINE
THAT IF I TOLD ANYBODY
WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
THAT THEY--
PROBABLY HAVE YOU COMMITTED.
OR YOU.
I'D DENY IT.
OF COURSE,
BUT HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN
HAVING THE SAME NAME?
WHAT DID BEN BRADLEY
CALL WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN
IN OUR FAVORITE MOVIE,
"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN"?
WOODSTEIN.
HI. DICK WOODSTEIN.
SO, YOU WENT TO
THE CEMETERY TODAY.
DOES THE WORD "STALKER"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
I'M NOT A STALKER.
IT'S JUST THE FIRST THING
I DID WHEN I GOT HERE.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
DON'T BRING MY FATHER
INTO YOUR DISEASE, OKAY?
HE'S MY FATHER, TOO!
HEY, WHAT ABOUT OUR BIRTHMARK?
THE ONE THAT'S SHAPED
LIKE A HORSE'S HEAD.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
OKAY, I GET IT.
YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH MY MOTHER.
IS SHE STILL
TELLING PEOPLE
THAT STORY?
I REALLY MISS MOM.
OKAY, YOU WHAT, THAT'S IT.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO,
CRAZY OLD MAN.
GET OUT OF HERE--
OKAY, I WAS HOPING
I COULD AVOID THIS,
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, I CAN'T.
OKAY, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE,
THAT'S IT, I AM
CALLING THE COPS.
TA-DAH!
OUR BIRTHMARK.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU REMEMBER WHAT
WE NICKNAMED HER?
BUTTERMILK.
[CHUCKLES]
BUTTERMILK...
I'M OUTTA HERE!
[STARTER CLICKS USELESSLY]
YOUR COILWIRE.
I PULLED IT.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
THIS IS NOT
AN ACCEPTABLE CONCEPT.
[STAMMERING]
IT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.
IS IT?
THERE'S GOT TO BE A REASONABLE
EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
OH! OKAY,
TELL ME THIS...
IF YOU ARE ME,
AND YOU'RE NOT,
THEN WHY
ARE YOU WORKING
IN THE CLASSIFIED DEPARTMENT
WHEN THERE WAS A JOB OPENING
FOR A JOURNALIST?
I KNEW YOU WERE COMING BACK.
KNEW I WAS COMING BACK...
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M EVEN TALKING TO YOU.
BESIDES, IT'S THE WAY
IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED--
THE WAY WHAT HAPPENED?
MY LIFE 25 YEARS AGO.
YOUR LIFE NOW.
THE FROZEN CHICKEN,
FOR EXAMPLE.
I STILL HAVE
THAT SCAR RIGHT HERE.
OKAY, LOOK,
I DON'T KNOW
WHO YOU ARE,
WHAT YOU ARE,
OR WHY YOU'RE HERE--
TO HELP YOU.
TO HELP ME WHAT?
NOT TO DO WHAT
YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO--
WHAT YOU'VE
ALWAYS DONE--
RUN AWAY,
BAIL OUT, QUIT.
ADMIT IT,
WE'VE QUIT
ON SOME VERY GOOD JOBS
AND SOME GOOD WOMEN.
REMEMBER WHAT DAD
ALWAYS SAID?
"IT DOES NO GOOD TO BURY
YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND
BECAUSE YOUR BUTT IS STILL
STICKING UP IN THE AIR."
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[♪♪]
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
YOU'RE STAYING
HERE, TOO?
AH...
WHAT A GREAT MORNING.
SLEEP WELL?
DUMB QUESTION.
COME ON, WE'LL GET YOU
SOME CAFFEINE AT THE OFFICE.
I'D BETTER DRIVE.
WOW, I HAVEN'T DRIVEN
ONE OF THESE DINOSAURS
IN QUITE A WHILE.
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE
WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
PUTTING INTO YOUR TANK
IN ABOUT 20 YEARS--RICE!
PROBLEM IS,
INSTEAD OF IMPORTING OIL
FROM THE MIDDLE EAST,
WE'RE ADDICTED TO RICE
FROM THE FAR EAST.
YOU CAN'T WIN.
HI.
I WORK IN THE MAILROOM.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN SCHOOL?
NO, FIRST CLASS IS TRIG.
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME, RIGHT?
I MEAN, ANYBODY
ACTUALLY ASK YOU
WHAT THE CO-TANGENT OF X
IS LATELY?
I DOUBT IT.
BESIDES, I'M GOING
TO QUIT SCHOOL
AS SOON AS I TURN 16.
THREE MORE MONTHS,
THEN I WORK HERE FULL TIME.
I QUIT SCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16.
IN FACT, THAT'S WHEN
I STARTED WORKING IN THE...
IN THE MAILROOM.
RICKY.
RICKY?
I LOVE NEWSPAPERS.
I READ, LIKE, FIVE, MAYBE
SIX A DAY, COVER TO COVER.
SEE, I DON'T
READ 'EM ONLINE,
AND I HATE BLOGS.
I'M GOING TO BE
A REAL JOURNALIST.
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU
A QUESTION,
AND I WANT AN HONEST ANSWER.
OKAY, SHOOT.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
OH, EASY.
"BORAT."
THAT GUY CRACKS ME UP.
THANK YOU.
BUT THE FLICK THAT GOT ME
HOOKED ON THIS BUSINESS?
"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
THOSE GUYS REALLY
DUSTED NIXON.
WHO TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT?
NOBODY.
OKAY, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.
WHAT?
COME ON,
TAKE 'EM OFF!
LET ME SEE BUTTERMILK,
LET'S GO, COME ON.
NO BUTTERMILK?
NOPE.
SO RICKY IS NOT
THE 15-YEAR-OLD ME?
NOW, THAT WOULD
REALLY BE FREAKY,
BUT NO, HE'S NOT YOU,
NOT ME.
TOTAL COINCIDENCE.
SO, RICHARD,
HAVE YOU DECIDED ON
YOUR FIRST STORY YET?
UH...
DEL, DON'T WE NEED
ANOTHER STORY
ON SIR SAVE-A-LOT?
WHO?
GIANT DISCOUNT CHAIN.
THE TOWN'S VOTING IN
A COUPLE OF DAYS
ON WHETHER TO LET THEM
PUT ONE UP
AT THE END OF MAIN STREET.
I LIKE IT, DICK.
THANKS, DEL.
IT'D BE A GOOD WAY
FOR YOU TO GET RE-ACQUAINTED
WITH GLENVILLE, RICHARD.
TALK TO THE LOCALS,
SEE HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY
OF THIS CANCER
INVADING THEIR TOWN.
OH, WHOA, DOWN BOY.
WE'RE NOT LOOKING
TO START TROUBLE.
THIS IS ONLY A STORE.
JEEZ, YOU TWO ARE CUT
FROM THE SAME CLOTH.
JUST KEEP IT
BALANCED, RICHARD.
NOW, YOU LOOK--
DON'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO DEL.
HE'S A TOTAL PLERB.
WHICH IS SLANG FOR "WUSS"
IN ABOUT 20 YEARS.
JUST GET IN THERE
AND DIG OUT A STORY.
TAKE NO PRISONERS.
[♪♪]
WALTER'S KID!
LOOK HOW THEY GROW UP.
I GAVE HIM
HIS FIRST HAIRCUT.
AND IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR
THE MISSING PIECE OF YOUR EAR,
THERE'S A LOST AND FOUND BOX
IN THE BACK.
[CHUCKLING]
REMEMBER THE STORY HE DID
FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION?
YOU WERE A PIT BULL!
I'M NOT DOING THOSE
KIND OF STORIES ANYMORE.
YOUR DAD WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD.
MAY HE REST IN PEACE.
AMEN.
ACTUALLY, I'M DOING
A STORY FOR THE EAGLE.
WHAT DO
YOU GUYS THINK
ABOUT SIR SAVE-A-LOT?
BEST THING
THAT'LL EVER HAPPEN TO US.
"US"?
WHO DIED AND APPOINTED YOU
MY MOUTHPIECE?
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S GOT
A HARDWARE DEPARTMENT.
I HAVE A HARDWARE STORE.
DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS
TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT MEANS.
AH, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S GONNA JACK US
RIGHT OUT OF
THIS ECONOMIC SLUMP.
CAN THANK
THE NEW MAYOR FOR THAT.
[MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]
BEEN IN OFFICE
FOR LESS THAN A YEAR,
ALREADY DONE WONDERS
FOR MORALE AROUND HERE.
HEY, ARE WE HERE
TO DRAFT OR YAP?
ALL RIGHT.
RITA, YOUR PICK.
I'M GOING WITH
KEVIN MORSE.
A LOSER!
ACCORDING TO MY SCOUTS
HE CRIES WHEN HE FUMBLES.
'CAUSE HE'S
10 YEARS OLD, CHUCK!
HEY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS KNOW
ABOUT THIS GUY, DICK,
WORKS OVER AT THE EAGLE?
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE UP, CHUCK.
LARRY.
NO, NO, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, MARK.
NO, NO, NO,
MORRIS.
WHAT?
MORRIS.
[KNOCKS]
EXCUSE ME, MR. MAYOR?
YOUR HONOR.
JACKIE.
HEY, UH...
I'M LOOKING FOR THE MAYOR.
AND YOU FOUND HER.
NOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
I DIDN'T WANT TO BRAG.
YOUR DAD WAS MAYOR FOR--
YUP, FOR 15 YEARS.
I DON'T THINK THE TOWN
WANTED TO BOTHER
CHANGING THE NAMEPLATE,
SO JUST A TEENY, WEENY
BIT OF PRESSURE ON ME.
DEL ASKED ME TO DO A STORY
ON SIR SAVE-A-LOT
COMING HERE.
UH-OH.
DON'T WORRY,
IT'LL BE A FLUFF PIECE.
RICHARD KERM,
A FLUFF PIECE?
THE KINDER,
GENTLER RICHARD KERM.
[SIGHS]
FIVE ACRES OWNED BY THE TOWN,
A NON-INCOME BEARING TURKEY
FOR YEARS.
WE SELL IT
TO SIR SAVE-A-LOT,
AND BINGO,
INSTANT CASH FLOW.
NOW, THE BEST PART,
ONCE THE STORE
IS UP AND RUNNING,
WE PROJECT
A 20% INCREASE
IN TOURIST TRAFFIC
THROUGH GLENVILLE
AND A 15% INCREASE
IN REVENUE AND JOBS,
AND THAT'S JUST
IN THE FIRST YEAR.
HEY, GUYS!
DON'T FORGET THE TOWN MEETING
ON FRIDAY NIGHT.
WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT!
[BICYCLE BELL JINGLES]
RICHARD, THIS
SIR SAVE-A-LOT DEAL
IS THE BIGGEST THING
I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE,
AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN
MORE SURE OF ANYTHING,
SO GO AHEAD,
FIRE AWAY.
ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.
OKAY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND?
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
YEAH, THANKS FOR NOT
TELLING HIM ABOUT--
THE CHICKEN?
YEAH, IT'S
NO PROBLEM.
SO IS IT SERIOUS?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
HI, HONEY.
HI.
HOW'S THE HEAD,
RICHARD?
UH, IT'S BETTER.
WELL, I'VE GOT GO,
I'VE GOT
A STORY TO DO.
BE GENTLE.
YOU'RE THINKING
OF LEAVING AGAIN.
[SIGHS] WHY?
WHAT DID YOU TAKE
OUT OF MY CAR THIS TIME,
THE ENGINE?
NOTHING, BUT LEAVING NOW
IS A BIG MISTAKE.
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO
MARRY HER.
JACKIE?
NOW GET BACK TO WORK
ON THAT STORY OF YOURS.
[♪♪]
HEY.
RICKY...
HEY, I WANTED TO
APOLOGIZE FOR BEFORE
AND EXPLAIN WHY I...
FORGET IT.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
YOU PROBABLY JUST HAD
ONE OF THOSE SENIOR MOMENTS.
QUESTION,
CAN YOU COME TALK TO MY STAFF
AT THE HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?
THE OAK?
IS THAT STILL AROUND?
I'M THE EDITOR.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I PROMISED
ANNA PALINDROME
I WOULD TALK TO
HER LITERATURE CLASS.
[SCOFFS]
OH, I GET IT.
YOU'RE MAKING A MOVE
ON MISS PALINDROME.
NO.
WRONG.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OKAY, OKAY, I WILL COME
AND TALK TO YOUR STAFF,
BUT NOW DISAPPEAR, PLEASE.
I HAVE TO FINISH THIS STORY.
I'LL SET IT UP.
ANOTHER COUNTRY
HEARD FROM.
WHAT?
THIS IS YOUR STORY?
YEAH. SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S
A WINNER.
EVERYBODY LOVES IT.
EVERYBODY LOVES MAYOR JACKIE.
DID YOU CHECK OUT
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S TRACK RECORD?
NOPE.
DID YOU TALK TO
ANY TOWN OFFICIALS
AT OTHER STORE SITES?
NOPE.
WHAT ABOUT IMPARTIAL PARTIES?
I BELIEVE
I'M DOING THIS STORY.
THEN DO IT RIGHT.
SCRAPE, DIG, BE TENACIOUS.
YOU CALL YOURSELF
AN INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO...
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT I FOUND?
EXHIBIT A.
THIS IS A DESCRIPTION
OF MY BIRTHMARK,
PART OF
THE PUBLIC RECORD
FROM GLENVILLE
MEMORIAL HOSPITAL,
WHERE YOU GOT IT.
I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO GLENVILLE MEMORIAL
SINCE I WAS BORN.
YEAH, RIGHT,
AND WHAT ABOUT LASLO?
WHO?
THE TATTOO ARTIST
AT HICKEY'S PAWN SHOP.
HE TATTOOED YOUR BUTT
WITH EXHIBIT A.
DUDE, YOUR CHARADE
IS OVER.
LASLO! LASLO'S A STONER.
HIS MIND IS SHOT.
HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
WHO'S PRESIDENT,
AND THIS IS NOT A TATTOO!
THEN WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN A TATTOO PARLOR?
I WAS AT THE PAWN SHOP.
REMEMBER DAD'S WATCH?
THE ONE HE LEFT US
IN HIS WILL?
THE ONE WE HOCKED
SO WE COULD BUY JACKIE
THE RING WE GAVE HER
BEFORE WE LEFT
AND NEVER CAME BACK?
OKAY, HOW DO YOU...
I WENT TO SEE
IF IT WAS STILL THERE,
SO I COULD BUY IT BACK,
BUT IT WASN'T.
OKAY.
OKAY, WELL, SHOW ME SOME I.D.!
SHOW ME A-A
BIRTH CERTIFICATE,
OR A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
WHAT'S YOUR
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?
374 TO THE 10th POWER.
THE WHOLE SYSTEM
WAS RE-ORGANIZED.
YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE?
I BELIEVE
I'M TAKING THIS STORY,
I'M GOING TO WALK
INTO DEL'S OFFICE,
HAND IT TO HIM,
THEN I'M GOING TO
GET IN MY TRUCK,
JAM THE PEDAL TO THE FLOOR,
AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
WHAT ABOUT JACKIE?
JACKIE HAS A LIFE.
I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
HAVE GOT TO FIND ONE,
AND I SUGGEST
YOU DO THE SAME.
YOU CAN'T GO NOW!
ALREADY GONE.
LET'S GO.
TIME TO GIVE
THAT TALK AT THE OAK.
PLACE LOOKS
AND SMELLS THE SAME.
[CHUCKLES FONDLY]
I CARVED THAT
IN MY SOPHOMORE YEAR.
WHO'S "J.B"?
NEVER MIND.
I'LL FIND OUT.
THIS IS MY STAFF.
HEY, GUYS.
UH... WELL, WHERE TO START?
UM, I COVERED SPORTS
MY FRESHMAN YEAR.
YOU WROTE THAT PIECE
ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM,
ABOUT HOW THEY WERE ABSENT
FROM MID-TERM EXAMS,
YET SOMEHOW STILL PASSED THEM.
THE TEAM WAS PUT
ON PROBATION FOR A YEAR.
IT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
OKAY, HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING
TO DICK?
IS EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN NUTS?
LOOK, IT'S MY JOB
TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
NOW, ISN'T IT TRUE
THAT YOU'VE NEVER LASTED
MORE THAN A YEAR
AT A NEWSPAPER?
I'M WRITING A STORY ON YOU.
WHEN YOU'RE MINING
FOR THE TRUTH,
USUALLY, SOMEBODY GETS HURT.
YEAH, SOMEONE USUALLY DOES,
WHICH DOESN'T MEAN IT'S RIGHT.
MAN, YOU'RE REALLY
GETTING SOFT, AREN'T YOU?
YOU ASKED ME HERE
FOR MY ADVICE
ABOUT JOURNALISM.
HERE IT IS.
STAY IN SCHOOL, GRADUATE,
GO TO COLLEGE,
YOU KNOW, GET MARRIED,
HAVE TWO AND A HALF KIDS,
LIVE A QUIET
AND UNCOMPLICATED LIFE,
PREFERABLY
AS AN ACCOUNTANT.
BUT MOST OF ALL,
STAY OUT OF
THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS.
IT HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO
WITH THE TRUTH.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.
WHAT?
OKAY, NO, CALM DOWN.
CALM DOWN, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
I GOTTA GO.
BUT, DEL, I PUT IT
ON YOUR DESK.
OH, MAYBE THE COCKROACHES
CARRIED IT OFF
AND ARE EDITING IT
AS WE SPEAK.
JUST GET ME THE STORY.
[KNOCKS]
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
I FOUND IT.
OKAY, I FOUND IT ON DEL'S DESK.
THIS IS COMPLETELY
ONE-SIDED.
ALL PROS AND NO CONS.
ONE WOULD THINK YOU WERE ON
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S PAYROLL.
I'M EMBARRASSED
TO HAVE MY NAME ON THIS.
YOUR NAME?
OH, OKAY.
NOW I GET IT.
YOU'RE A FRUSTRATED
OLD NEWSPAPER HACK
WHO WAS FORCED TO RETIRE,
SO YOU DECIDED
TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME.
IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU WANT TO BELIEVE, FINE,
JUST DO YOUR RESEARCH FIRST.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
YOU CAN'T LEAVE!
WE HAVE NEVER WALKED OUT
ON AN UNFINISHED STORY
IN OUR LIVES!
QUIT SAYING "WE"!
[STAMMERS]
WE SWALLOWED A BEE
WHEN WE WERE SIX!
AND WHERE IN IOWA?
AND HOW MUCH OF A DROP-OFF?
THAT'S NOT BAD.
AND HOW MANY STORES
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE?
NO, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH
TO RAISE A RED FLAG.
OKAY, NO, THANKS
FOR YOUR HELP, CHRISTY.
YEAH, NO, YOU GIVE MY BEST
TO THE NEWSHOUNDS AT THE HERALD.
YEAH, NEXT TIME I'M IN TOWN,
I PROMISE.
OKAY.
YEAH, TAKE CARE.
[♪♪]
CAN I BORROW HER
FOR A MINUTE?
I'LL BE BACK.
SIR SAVE-A-LOT.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
WELL, I'M MAYBE BEING
A LITTLE OVERCAUTIOUS,
BUT I THINK
YOU SHOULD, UH...
YOU SHOULD, UM...
SHOULD WHAT?
I'M SORRY,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING.
I'M SORRY, I--
STAY OR GO?
UH...
GO.
[♪♪]
HEY, MORNING,
KERMIE.
I GOT SWEET PEA PANCAKES
ON THE GRIDDLE.
SOUNDS GOOD, MOOSE,
BUT I NEED TALK TO JACKIE.
WHERE IS SHE?
UH, SHE'S AT CITY HALL
IN HER OFFICE.
SHOWING OFF
HER ENGAGEMENT RING.
JEFF SPRUNG IT ON HER
LAST NIGHT.
♪ HOW MANY NIGHTS ♪
♪ HOW MANY LOVERS ♪
♪ HOW MANY DREAMS ♪
♪ UNDER THE COVERS
AS WE REACH... ♪
♪ FOR EACH OTHER... ♪
LET'S SEE.
WOW! CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
YOU'RE NOT STAYING
FOR THE FESTIVAL?
GET OUT OF MY CAR.
BUT WE LOVE THE DUNK TANK,
REMEMBER?
SHE IS ENGAGED.
I NEVER SAID
THIS WAS GOING TO BE EASY.
IF YOU KNEW,
WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?
BECAUSE I KNEW
YOU'D SKIP TOWN!
YEAH, LIKE
I'M DOING RIGHT NOW!
NO, PLEASE, DON'T!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
WAIT!
GET OFF MY CAR!
IF YOU GENTLY STROKE
THE BACK OF HER NECK
WITH YOUR FOREFINGER,
SHE PURRS LIKE A KITTEN!
GET OFF!
[♪♪]
♪ HOW MANY NIGHTS ♪
♪ HOW MANY LOVERS ♪
♪ HOW MANY DREAMS ♪
♪ UNDER THE COVERS
AS WE REACH... ♪
♪ FOR EACH OTHER... ♪
FINGERPRINTS? WHY?
WELL, MY COMPUTER
WAS STOLEN,
AND THAT CUP WAS SITTING
ON TOP OF IT,
SO THE THIEF HAD TO REMOVE IT
TO GET THE COMPUTER.
HEY, THAT'S
PRETTY GOOD.
HE'S NOT A TOP-NOTCH
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST
FOR NOTHING.
WE HAVEN'T HAD
A THEFT IN...
TWO YEARS.
I'M GOING TO PUT
A RUSH ON THIS.
OH, COULD YOU TAKE
MY FINGERPRINTS?
THEY'RE ALSO ON THE CUP, SO...
WOULDN'T WANT YOU ARRESTING ME
FOR STEALING
MY OWN COMPUTER.
I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN
TO THE STATION.
HANDCUFFS NOT NECESSARY.
[♪♪]
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
I KNOW.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED YOU.
I WAS OUT OF LINE.
DEL JUST SHOWED ME YOUR STORY.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING
TO DO A FLUFF PIECE.
YOUR FACTS ARE MISLEADING,
THEY DON'T HAVE
A THING TO DO WITH GLENVILLE.
JACKIE, I NEVER--
CROSSBRIDGE, KANSAS?
SCOTT FALLS, IOWA?
I MEAN, OF COURSE, THESE PLACES
CAN'T SUPPORT A SIR SAVE-A-LOT
AND A LOCAL
MOM-AND-POP STORES.
THEY HAVE MORE CHIPMUNKS
THAN HUMANS.
THIS IS LONG ISLAND.
THERE'S PLENTY OF BUSINESS
FOR EVERYONE.
WE SPENT 15 GRAND
ON A FEASIBILITY STUDY.
THANK GOD, HE'S NOT
PUBLISHING YOUR STORY.
JACKIE...
I NEVER GAVE THE STORY TO DEL.
I THREW IT IN THE TRASH.
IT'S JUST THAT
THE SIR SAVE-A-LOT VOTE
IS TOMORROW NIGHT,
AND A STORY LIKE THAT
COULD HAVE SPOOKED EVERYBODY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE COME TO ME
FOR MY SIDE OF IT.
WELL, I TRIED TO,
BUT YOU WERE TOO BUSY
SHOWING OFF
YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING.
OH, SO THAT'S
WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?
WHAT IS?
YOU'RE TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME
BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS.
JEALOUS?
PLEASE.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
OKAY.
MAYBE...
I'M A LITTLE BUT JEALOUS.
SEEING YOU WITH THE RING,
IT WAS PRETTY DIFFICULT,
BUT I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU
WITH THAT STORY,
AND I SWEAR,
I THREW IT IN THE TRASH.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, RICHARD?
TO WALTZ INTO GLENVILLE
AFTER 11 YEARS,
AND LITTLE JACKIE'S
JUST GONNA DROP EVERYTHING
AND MAKE A BEELINE
INTO YOUR ARMS?
I AM SETTLED, AND I AM HAPPY,
AND I HAVE
FINALLY FOUND
SOMEBODY GOOD
IN MY LIFE,
SO, PLEASE,
JUST STAY OUT OF IT.
JACKIE...
JACKIE!
[BICYCLE BELL JINGLES]
HELLO, RICHARD.
HI, ANNA.
COMING OR GOING?
I JUST PICKED UP A COPY
OF "DR. ZHIVAGO"
AT THE BOOK NOOK.
TWO PEOPLE
MADLY IN LOVE
BEING PULLED APART
BY FATE.
IT'S TRAGIC.
FOR SOME REASON,
I LIKE IT.
I'M GOING HOME WITH
BORIS PASTERNAK HERE
AND LIGHTING THE FIREPLACE
TO GET ME THROUGH
THE COLD RUSSIAN WINTER.
CARE TO JOIN ME?
UM, NO, I GOT TO, UH--
YOU STOOD UP MY CLASS
TO TALK TO THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
YOU OWE ME, RICHARD KERM.
[♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
RICHARD,
I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO
ADMIT SOMETHING TO YOU,
BUT I'M VERY SHY.
WELL, ALCOHOL MAKES ME
VERY NON-JUDGMENTAL,
SO PLEASE GO AHEAD.
I HAD AN ENORMOUSLY
FRUSTRATING CRUSH ON YOU
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU LOOKING FOR ME,
HANDSOME?
ALWAYS.
CONGRATULATIONS,
BY THE WAY.
THANKS.
IT'S A BIG DEAL.
I MEAN, FINDING
THAT ONE PERSON.
YEAH.
YEAH, I KNOW.
HAS RICHARD BEEN HERE?
[CLEARS THROAT
AWKWARDLY]
WERE YOU EVER MARRIED?
NO. NO.
YOU?
ONLY TO THE CAREER.
WELL, I, UH,
I'M THINKING ABOUT
GETTING A DIVORCE,
FROM MY CAREER.
WHY?
IT HASN'T BEEN
A VERY FULFILLING MARRIAGE.
DO YOU GET LONELY?
YEAH, SOMETIMES,
WHEN I THINK ABOUT
BEING LONELY,
WHICH IS WHY I TRY NOT TO.
YOU?
UH, I'VE HAD MY...
SHALL WE SAY, DALLIANCES...
WHICH HAVE SATISFIED ME
ONLY MOMENTARILY,
BUT, UH, IN GENERAL,
SURE.
I GUESS AS LONG AS
I'M THE MAYOR,
THEY'LL COMPARE ME TO MY FATHER.
IT'S A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.
DADS USUALLY ARE.
WHAT DID YOURS DO?
ELECTRICIAN.
HE DIED WHEN I WAS 11.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, HE USED TO SAY,
"SOMETIMES LIFE IS LIKE
THE BLINDSPOT
IN YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR."
RICHARD WAS ALSO 11
WHEN HIS DAD DIED.
IT WAS A SAD DAY.
THE TWO OF YOU
ARE CLOSE, HUH?
USED TO BE.
WHY AM I EVEN
TALKING ABOUT HIM?
IT'S STRANGE.
RICHARD'S DAD
WAS ALSO AN ELECTRICIAN,
AND YOU BOTH HAVE
THE SAME BIRTHDAY,
AND THE SAME NAME.
IT'S WEIRD.
YEAH, STRANGE.
BUT YOU I LIKE.
TOO BAD YOU WEREN'T
25 YEARS YOUNGER.
YEAH, TOO BAD.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
RICHARD'S A GOOD GUY.
HE'S JUST CONFUSED.
AREN'T WE ALL?
WELL, I'D BETTER FIND HIM.
THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.
LISTEN, I SAW HIM
OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT EARLIER.
HE WAS TALKING TO ANNA.
SHE GOT INTO HIS CAR.
[LAUGHING]
WELL...
I SHOULD GO.
RICHARD, I CAN'T
LET YOU DRIVE
IN THIS CONDITION.
I PROMISE YOU, I'LL BE OKAY.
I'VE GOT
A GUEST ROOM.
YOU CAN STAY HERE.
NO, I'M...
NO, I'M FINE.
RICHARD, GIVE ME
YOUR KEYS.
NO, I JUST...
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M JUST GONNA WALK IT.
IT'S A COUPLE
OF MILES--
THE, UM...
YOU KNOW, THE FRESH AIR
WILL DO ME GOOD.
UM, THANK YOU
FOR TONIGHT.
AW, GEEZ.
YOU'RE DRUNK.
YEAH.
SO, WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN YOU AND ANNA.
OH, WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOW?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
HMM.
REMEMBER THIS?
UH, YEAH.
SURE, I REMEMBER THAT.
YOU DON'T, DO YOU?
[CHUCKLES RUEFULLY]
OH, THE 55-YEAR-OLD ME...
LISTEN, WHEN YOU GET
TO BE MY AGE,
YOU WON'T REMEMBER
EVERYTHING EITHER,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZAMOONIUM
YOU TAKE.
ZA-WHAT?
ZAMOONIUM,
IT'S A MEMORY DRUG.
IT HITS THE MARKET
IN ABOUT 2016.
[SIGHS]
WELL, MAYBE
I NEED SOME ZAMOONIUM,
BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER
GIVING DEL
MY SIR SAVE-A-LOT STORY.
I THOUGHT I THREW IT
IN THE TRASH.
YOU DID.
THAT'S WHERE I FOUND IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
DOING JACKIE ANY FAVORS
TRYING TO PROTECT HER
FROM THE INEVITABLE.
WHAT DOES THAT
EVEN MEAN?
WELL, IT MEANS--
NO, NO.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[♪♪]
[SIREN WAILING]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
[OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE!
ASSUME THE POSITION.
RITA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHOA!
ARE YOU TRANSPORTING
NARCOTICS?
NO, OF COURSE NOT!
AH, RELAX.
I'M JUST STAYING IN SHAPE.
I GOT THE
FINGERPRINT RESULTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS, AND, UH...
I'M SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME.
IT WAS EXCITING FOR A WHILE.
I THOUGHT I HAD MYSELF A PERP.
IT TURNS OUT, YOUR PRINTS
ARE ALL OVER THAT CUP.
WHAT, JUST MINE?
YEAH, A PERFECT MATCH.
HMM.
HOW ABOUT A ZESTY
MEXICAN OMELET, CHUCK?
IT COMES WITH CEVICHE,
HAND-ROLLED
CORN TORTILLAS.
IT'S A REAL MORNING
PICK-ME-UPPER.
OKAY, MOOSE,
BUT HOLD THE JALAPENOS.
REFLUX.
CAN DO.
HEY, CHUCK.
MOOSE, HAVE YOU
SEEN DICK?
UH, NO, NOT SINCE LAST NIGHT.
PANCHO SPECIAL,
86 THE SINUS-CLEANERS!
10-4!
OH, JACKIE'S WORKING
THE KITCHEN TODAY.
SHE'S FEELING
PRETTY LOUSY.
SHE GAVE THE RING
BACK TO JEFF LAST NIGHT.
WHY?
RICHARD, YOU DON'T KNOW
SHE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU?
MOOSE, I WANT TO
CHANGE MY ORDER.
WHAT ABOUT
THE QUESADILLAS?
WITH SAUSAGE,
AND GUACAMOLE?
WHY ARE YOU
HERE, RICHARD?
JACKIE, I DIDN'T
WANT TO BE THE CAUSE
OF YOU GUYS BREAKING UP--
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
ARE YOU HUNGRY,
IS THAT IT?
JACKIE, COME ON, PLEASE?
LOOK--
WHAT, THE SCHOOL MARM,
SHE DIDN'T MAKE YOU
BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?
JACKIE--
OR THE TWO OF YOU
COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED?
HEY--
DID SHE MEET
YOUR EXPECTATIONS?
JACKIE, LISTEN TO ME--
[GROANING IN PAIN]
NOTHING HAPPENED, JACKIE!
SO, THEY SAID
THE ON-CALL DOCTOR
WILL BE IN TO REVIEW
YOUR X-RAYS.
RICHARD,
I AM SO, SO SORRY.
MY TEMPER'S
BEEN HORRIBLE LATELY--
OH, JUST LATELY?
YEAH, IT'S JUST...
I REMEMBER
THIS FIFTH GRADER,
SHE SLUGGED
THE SCHOOL NURSE
WHEN SHE WAS GETTING
A FLU SHOT.
IT WAS CRAZY.
JACKIE.
I, UM...
I'M GOING TO
WAIT OUTSIDE.
NO, NO, PLEASE STAY.
SO, RICHARD,
HOW'D IT HAPPEN
THIS TIME?
BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?
IT WAS MY FAULT.
I BET.
[WINCES SHARPLY]
YEAH, JUST AS
THE X-RAYS CONFIRMED.
A MILD FRACTURE.
I ASSUMED YOU WERE LOOKING
FOR A RELATIONSHIP, JACKIE.
IF I KNEW YOU WANTED
A PINATA,
I WOULD'VE
BOUGHT YOU ONE.
JEFF, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
FAIR?
HEY! OW!
IT'S THE LATERAL ULNA,
ALL RIGHT.
JEFF!
I'M-I'M SORRY,
RICHARD.
CAN I COME OVER TONIGHT?
I JUST WANT TO TALK.
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU OWE ME AT LEAST THAT.
[WINCES]
PLEASE EXCUSE
US, RICHARD.
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT,
BETTER YET,
UM, JACKIE, CAN YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A MINUTE?
PLEASE?
I SEE YOU GOT
A NEW STETHOSCOPE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
TO, UH,
REPLACE THE ONE YOU LOST?
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, DOC.
NUMBER ONE,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO
ANYWHERE NEAR
JACKIE'S HOUSE TONIGHT,
OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.
NUMBER TWO,
IF YOU EVER,
EVER HURT HER
BY TELLING HER ABOUT
YOUR LITTLE
INDISCRETION,
I WILL DO A CHARACTER
ASSASSINATION PIECE ABOUT YOU
IN THE EAGLE,
THAT WILL LEAVE YOU
WITH ONE OPTION
FOR PRACTICING MEDICINE--
PROCTOLOGY,
AT THE SUFFOLK COUNTY
PETTING ZOO.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOU PLERB.
[CLEARS THROAT
AWKWARDLY]
[♪♪]
WHAT'S WITH
THE GOOFY GRIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A HAPPY FOOL.
[CHUCKLES]
SO ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
WHAT YOU SAID TO JEFF?
I TOLD YOU, WE, UH,
JUST WENT OVER
MY X-RAYS.
I FEEL SO BADLY FOR HIM.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]
I FORGOT
HOW MUCH I MISSED THIS PLACE.
IT'S HARD TO
APPRECIATE
WHEN YOU'RE A KID.
IT'S HARD TO APPRECIATE
A LOT OF THINGS.
YOU KNOW,
SPEAKING OF RINGS, UM...
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THAT PIMPLE OF A DIAMOND
I GAVE YOU?
NO, LET ME GUESS,
YOU TRADED IT
FOR A BAG OF PEANUTS?
NO, NO ONE WOULD GIVE ME
A BAG OF PEANUTS,
SO I BURIED IT
IN THE ATTIC SOMEWHERE.
BUT I DO HAVE THIS.
JACKIE, THAT'S
MY DAD'S OLD WATCH.
MM-HMM.
HOW DID YOU GET...
WHEN YOU LEFT
FOR THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION,
I FOUND OUT IT WAS
AT HICKEY'S PAWN SHOP,
SO I BOUGHT IT.
IT WAS GOING TO BE
YOUR WEDDING GIFT.
THANK YOU.
JACKIE, I...
I PAWNED THE WATCH
SO I COULD
BUY YOU THE RING.
WELL,
THEN I GUESS
THE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE.
RICHARD,
WHY DIDN'T YOU COME BACK?
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, GOD KNOWS I'VE THOUGHT
ABOUT IT A TON OF TIMES,
I WOULD JUST KIND OF...
KEEP COMING BACK TO,
"I WAS 19.
THAT'S WHAT
19-YEAR-OLDS DO."
NOW I'M 30
AND I'M ALL OUT OF EXCUSES.
YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO HIT ME, ARE YOU?
[CHUCKLING]
NO.
YOU ARE ME.
I'M YOU--
WE ARE US!
SO YOU FINALLY BELIEVE ME?
I...
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO
UNDERSTAND IT, BUT WHY NOT?
OUR FINGERPRINTS MATCH.
I KNOW!
IT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
I HAVE SO MANY
QUESTIONS FOR YOU.
WHEN YOU WERE 30,
DID YOU ALSO HAVE
SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
AND DOES THIS HAPPEN
TO EVERYBODY?
WHY ME?
SHH!
[QUIETLY]: I CAN'T!
SHE KEPT THE RING.
BUT OF COURSE
YOU ALREADY
KNOW THAT, TOO.
I-I'M GETTING
USED TO THIS.
LOOK AT THIS.
DAD'S WATCH.
YEAH.
WAIT, SHOULDN'T YOU
ALREADY HAVE THIS?
IT'S A LONG STORY.
WELL, TELL ME EVERYTHING.
WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
OH, COME ON.
TELL ME SOMETHING YOU CAN.
UH, WELL, OKAY.
TELEVISIONS
AND COMPUTER SCREENS
ARE HOLOGRAMS NOW.
WHAT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING?
STILL NO ANSWER.
WELL, UH,
WHAT ELSE DO YOU GOT?
UM, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
AND JACKIE BEEN MARRIED?
WHAT'S SHE DOING NOW?
LET'S TALK IN YOUR OFFICE.
OKAY.
DONALD BRICKHOUSE,
VICE PRESIDENT
OF ACQUISITIONS
FOR SIR SAVE-A-LOT,
IS GOING TO APPOINT A COMMITTEE
OF BUSINESS EXPERTS
TO TRY TO REVERSE WHAT HE CALLS
"A DISASTROUS PROBLEM".
WHAT'S THIS
GOT TO DO WITH JACKIE?
WHAT PROBLEM?
THE BANKRUPTING OF SMALL TOWNS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
AGAIN WITH THIS?
SIR SAVE-A-LOT OPENS
A HUGE STORE,
WHICH SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF
THE LOCAL MERCHANTS,
WHO GO OUT OF BUSINESS,
CAUSING AN EXODUS FROM THE TOWN,
CAUSING SIR SAVE-A-LOT
TO GO BELLY-UP.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
INSTANT GHOST TOWN.
GLENVILLE?
WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME THIS BEFORE?
BECAUSE
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME
UNTIL YOU BELIEVED
THAT I WAS YOU.
OKAY, LET'S GIVE
THIS BRICKHOUSE A CALL.
WE CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE HE WON'T BE
V.P. OF ACQUISITIONS
FOR ANOTHER THREE YEARS.
EXCUSE ME?
RIGHT NOW,
DONALD BRICKHOUSE WORKS
IN THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.
THEY PROMOTE VERY FAST
AT SIR SAVE-A-LOT.
WELL THEN,
HOW DOES HE KNOW
ABOUT STORES GOING
OUT OF BUSINESS
AND TAKING SMALL TOWNS
WITH THEM?
HE DOESN'T.
IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET,
BUT IT WILL,
IN ABOUT FIVE YEARS.
[SIGHS]
THAT'S MY SOURCE?
A GUY WHO DOESN'T EVEN
KNOW HE'S A SOURCE YET?
YOU KNOW, AS A JOURNALIST,
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
I'M TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM.
SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO
WORK WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I NEED SOME TIME
TO DIGEST THIS.
THERE IS NO TIME.
THE TOWN VOTES TONIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT TO TELL JACKIE.
WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL HER?
THAT GLENVILLE'S
NOT GOING TO BE AROUND
IN FIVE YEARS?
BASED ON WHAT FACTS?
[SIGHS]
YOU KNOW, THINGS WERE JUST
STARTING TO GO REALLY WELL
FOR JACKIE AND ME.
I LIKED YOU
MUCH BETTER
WHEN YOU WERE
JUST A NUT.
THIS IS TOO HARD.
I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THAT HEAD OF OURS.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I THINK THERE'S SOMEPLACE
WE HAVE TO GO.
I WAS ANGRY
AT HIM, TOO.
I'M NOT ANGRY AT HIM.
HE DIDN'T LEAVE, RICHARD.
HE DIED.
YEAH, WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT?
IT'S NOT ABOUT
INTELLIGENCE.
WHAT YOU THINK UP HERE,
AND WHAT YOU FEEL
DOWN HERE--
TWO COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT THINGS.
DOWN HERE IS ALWAYS
MORE POWERFUL.
YOU KNOW,
IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE,
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT.
YOU KNOW, HE'D KICK ME
IN THE BUTT AND SAY, "DUMMY,
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING."
MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
[SCOFFS]
AND THAT WOULD MAKE YOU WHAT,
YOUR OWN FATHER FIGURE?
IT SOUNDS CORNY,
BUT THE DAY YOU STOP RUNNING
IS THE DAY YOU'LL START
MOVING FORWARD.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY DIED
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I WROTE,
SOMETHING THAT...
MIGHT NOT BE ENTIRELY TRUE.
HEY, I KNOW.
RECALLING THAT DAY
MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.
AND YOU'RE ASKING ME
TO DO IT AGAIN.
IF YOU DON'T, A TOWN WILL DIE.
AND IF I DO,
I ALIENATE JACKIE FOR GOOD.
[CLOCK CHIMES]
I'VE GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
CAN'T NOW, RICHARD.
AFTER THE VOTE.
NO, BEFORE
THE VOTE, JACKIE.
IT'S TOO IMPORTANT
TO WAIT.
SORRY, IT'LL HAVE TO.
[BUZZING WITH CONVERSATION]
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY WE'RE BOTHERING TO VOTE.
NO ONE IN TOWN'S
EVEN AGAINST IT.
THEN LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
YOU DON'T COUNT, CHUCK.
YOU'RE AGAINST
EVERYTHING.
NOT TRUE.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT
BOO SANTA CLAUS
AT LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARADE?
HEY, SANTA CLAUS
IS NOT A WOMAN!
[MOOSE BELLOWS]
[MAN]: TAKE YOUR SEATS,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU
FOR COMING, EVERYBODY.
I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU
HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS
FOR GLENVILLE.
NOT ONLY ARE WE VOTING
ON OUR PRESENT,
BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY,
OUR FUTURE--
AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED
OF MY OWN VOICE ON THE SUBJECT,
SO LET'S GET THIS DONE.
AS HAS BEEN
THE CUSTOM HERE
FOR OVER A CENTURY,
WE WILL VOTE
BY A SHOW OF HANDS,
AND I DO NOT WANT TO
CATCH ANYONE
RAISING BOTH HANDS.
UH, WHAT IF YOU HAVE
MORE THAN ONE PERSONALITY?
[LAUGHTER]
IN YOUR CASE, TUG,
DON'T BOTHER
RAISING ANY HANDS.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.
THOSE IN FAVOR
OF SIR SAVE-A-LOT--
UH, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
UM...
BEFORE YOU ALL VOTE,
CONSIDER THIS,
SIR SAVE-A-LOT IS
A RELATIVELY NEW CHAIN,
WITH ALMOST NO TRACK RECORD.
RICHARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[DICK, MUFFLED]:
LET HIM SPEAK!
I MEAN, DO WE
WANT TO BE GUINEA PIGS?
NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT KIND OF EFFECT
A STORE THAT BIG WILL HAVE
ON OUR SMALL TOWN.
OUR TOWN?
YOU DON'T EVEN LIVE HERE.
BUT I WAS BORN HERE.
I GREW UP HERE.
YOU ALL KNEW MY FATHER.
HE HAD A SAYING,
"IT DOES NO GOOD
TO BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND
BECAUSE YOUR BUTT IS STILL
STICKING UP IN THE AIR."
I MEAN, LOOK,
I'M NOT SAYING
THAT ALL BIG BOX CHAIN STORES
ARE A PROBLEM,
BUT SO FAR,
SIR SAVE-A-LOT IS SHOWING
SOME SIGNS OF BEING ONE.
[DICK, MUFFLED]:
MAYBE HE'S RIGHT!
YEAH, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
I SELL
FISHING WORMS, WILL.
IS SIR SAVE-A-LOT
GOING TO SELL WORMS?
PROBABLY NOT.
YOU CAN CORNER
THE MARKET ON WORMS.
[QUIETLY]: CAN I
TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?
[ROOM BUZZING
WITH CONVERSATION]
JACKIE...
GLENVILLE IS
GONNA GO UNDER.
PROOF.
GIVE ME PROOF.
WHERE ARE YOUR FIGURES?
WHO ARE YOUR SOURCES?
I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING CONCRETE YET.
WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS, RICHARD?
LOOK, THIS IS GONNA
SOUND BIZARRE, OKAY,
SO, PLEASE,
JUST KEEP
AN OPEN MIND?
OKAY, LOOK,
SUPPOSE YOU KNEW
WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
YEARS BEFORE
IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED,
AND BY HAVING THIS KNOWLEDGE,
YOU COULD CHANGE THINGS,
I MEAN,
THINGS THAT
WOULD BE DISASTROUS.
ARE YOU WITH ME
SO FAR?
YOU JERK.
THIS IS
ALL MY FAULT.
YES, LISTEN TO THE MAN.
11 YEARS, AND YOU HAVE NOT
CHANGED ONE BIT.
ANYTHING FOR A STORY.
ANYTHING FOR THAT
CAREER OF YOURS,
NO MATTER WHO IT HURTS.
NO, I HAVE CHANGED,
JACKIE.
TELL HER.
HE'S RIGHT.
HEY!
THE NATIVES ARE
GETTING RESTLESS.
ARE WE VOTING?
NO.
I HAVE TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL.
DEL, CAN YOU REPRINT
THE FEASIBILITY STUDY
IN TOMORROW'S PAPER?
SURE.
FRONT PAGE.
OKAY, THAT SHOULD
SETTLE THINGS,
AND WE'LL VOTE MONDAY NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
AND NOTHING,
OR NO ONE,
IS GOING TO STOP THIS
FROM HAPPENING.
DON'T LET HIM
DRAG YOU INTO THIS.
"HE'S RIGHT"?
THAT'S THE BEST
YOU HAD?
[♪♪]
HOW YOU DOING?
AS LONG AS YOU KEEP
BRINGING ME THESE,
I'M A HAPPY FOOL.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WHEN?
DICKIE'S HAD
A BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
WHICH IS WHY I HOPE I CAN
GET AWAY WITH SAYING THIS
WITHOUT YOU TAKING
A SWING AT ME.
MAYBE RICHARD HAS A POINT.
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO DELAY
SIR SAVE-A-LOT
UNTIL ALL
THE FACTS ARE IN.
DICK, I LIKE YOU.
LEAVE IT ALONE.
I LIKE YOU, TOO.
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
THANKS.
BUT THEN, YOU ALWAYS WERE.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
I ONCE HAD A GIRL
JUST LIKE YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I RAN AWAY LIKE A COWARD.
SO YOU WERE NEVER MARRIED?
NO.
I NEVER MET
ANYONE LIKE HER AGAIN.
BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.
WHERE IS SHE NOW?
THAT'S A LITTLE
HARD TO EXPLAIN.
YOU SHOULD GO SEE HER.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE, YOU KNOW,
AT LEAST FOR SOME PEOPLE.
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
[SIRENS WAILING]
[MONITOR BEEPING]
JACKIE, WAIT.
THEY'RE RUNNING
SOME TESTS.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY.
YEAH, I'M HERE FOR DICK.
HE WAS AT THE RESTAURANT
LAST NIGHT...
AND HE HAD A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
I DROVE HIM HOME.
SUCH A SAD,
LONELY MAN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HE TOLD ME
ABOUT THIS GIRL,
THE ONLY GIRL HE EVER LOVED.
HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?
MM-HMM,
AND WHAT'S SAD IS,
HE NEVER MARRIED HER,
AND HE'S REGRETTED IT
EVER SINCE.
HE NEVER MARRIED HER?
NO.
HE'S BEEN ALONE HIS ENTIRE LIFE.
SO HE'S NEVER BEEN MARRIED?
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
[SIGHS]
I'M SORRY.
EXCUSE ME,
ARE YOU A FRIEND
OF DICK WOODSTEIN'S?
YEAH, WE'RE, UH,
WE'RE JOINED AT THE HIP.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY
MEDICAL RECORDS ON HIM.
DO YOU KNOW IF HE'S TAKING
ANY HEART MEDICATION?
I DON'T THINK
HE HAS A HEART.
DO YOU MIND
LOOKING IN HIS ROOM
AT THE GLENVILLE LODGE?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
[♪♪]
[MONITORS BEEP STEADILY]
[MUMBLES SOFTLY]
[GROANS]
HOW YOU FEELIN'?
FINE, UNTIL I SAW THE MONITOR.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
THEY DON'T KNOW YET.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW THIS TO ME?
'CAUSE YOU WOULD'VE TOLD HER.
YOU NEVER MARRIED JACKIE.
WHY DID YOU TELL ME
I WOULD MARRY HER?
TO KEEP YOU HERE SO YOU WOULD.
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
AND I CAME BACK
TO GLENVILLE,
I DIDN'T STAY.
I LEFT
THE DAY JACKIE
GOT ENGAGED TO JEFF.
I COULDN'T HANDLE IT...
AND I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN,
UNTIL NOW.
I'VE LED
A PRETTY UNHAPPY AND...
UNDISTINGUISHED LIFE
SINCE I WAS YOUR AGE,
AND THE WORST
PART OF IT IS,
I'VE GONE
THROUGH IT ALONE.
SO WHEN, BY SOME MIRACLE,
I FOUND MYSELF BACK HERE,
I KNEW I HAD A CHANCE
TO CHANGE THINGS FOR JACKIE...
AND YOU.
SO, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I LEFT, YOU STAYED,
EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW.
I'M IN UNCHARTED TERRITORY
AND SO ARE YOU.
HONESTLY,
I DON'T EVEN CARE
ANYMORE WHETHER I MAKE IT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT, I DO!
YOU KNOW, I DON'T
WANT TO CHECK OUT
WHEN I'M
55 YEARS OLD, OKAY?
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
WHEN I CHECK OUT.
THAT'S TOO CREEPY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HI.
GOOD NEWS.
THE TESTS SHOW
NO HEART ATTACK.
WE THINK YOU HAD
A VASO-VAGAL RESPONSE,
PROBABLY CAUSED
BY STRESS,
SO JUST GET SOME REST,
AND WE'LL HAVE YOU
OUT OF HERE BY TONIGHT.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]
CHEER UP, MAN,
WE'RE GONNA LIVE.
BIG DEAL. JACKIE WON'T.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO SHOW HER
THIS OBITUARY.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
LIKE YOU SAID, IT'S CREEPY
TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
LEAVE IT ALONE--
NO, I'M NOT JUST
GOING TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
OKAY?
EVEN IF WE CAN'T HAVE HER,
I'M GONNA DO MY BEST
TO TRY AND MAKE SURE
THAT SHE AND GLENVILLE HAVE
A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
SAY, "HI, JACKIE,
I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE
FROM THE FUTURE"?
SHE THINKS YOU'RE CRAZY
AS IT IS.
WELL THEN,
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.
RIGHT?
HEY, COME ON!
YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU ARE SO FULL OF CRAP!
YOU CAME HERE
TO CHANGE ME?
YEAH, THAT'S A JOKE.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED,
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE 55 YEARS OLD
AND YOU'RE
STILL A QUITTER.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
THESE ARE FOR
DICK WOODSTEIN.
THESE ARE FROM DEL
AND THE GUYS AT THE EAGLE.
[CHUCKLES]
THIS IS FROM RICKY.
THE GUYS FROM THE BARBER SHOP.
YOU KNOW...
AND THESE ARE THE FOLKS
YOU WANT TO QUIT ON?
[SIGHS] OKAY.
WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
WE DO WHAT WE DO BEST.
[♪♪]
[DEL]: WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
THIS IS GOOD.
IT'LL NEVER SEE
THE LIGHT OF DAY.
OH, BOO-HOO.
YOU KNOW, YOU WHINERS DON'T KNOW
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.
YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO
WRITE WHAT YOU WANT,
ON ANY ISSUE,
GET IT PUBLISHED
BY A REAL NEWSPAPER
AND READ BY A BIG,
INTELLIGENT AUDIENCE,
WHO CAN ACTUALLY
APPRECIATE IT,
NOT SOME HIGH SCHOOL CRO-MAGNONS
WHOSE MAIN INTEREST IN LIFE
IS WHAT LADY GAGA'S
GONNA WEAR
IN HER NEXT VIDEO.
IT'S SUNDAY, ISN'T IT?
ALL DAY.
[BEEPING DOOR CODE]
YOU KNOW THE CODE?
IT'S SO PREDICTABLE.
IT'S THE PRINCIPAL'S
DATE OF BIRTH.
WOW, THIS PLACE LOOKS
EXACTLY THE SAME!
WAIT, Y-YOU WENT
TO SCHOOL HERE, TOO?
YEAH, RIGHT AROUND
THE CORNER,
I CARVED
MY INITIALS--
GUYS!
WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
[QUIETLY]:
ARE YOU CRAZY?
OKAY.
LET'S GO SELL SOME PAPERS.
UH, THE OAK
IS FREE, ACTUALLY.
I-I KNOW.
IT'S A FIGURE
OF SPEECH.
RIGHT.
[DICK READS]:
"ONCE UPON A TIME,
"THERE WAS A SMALL TOWN,
"A TOWN SO BEAUTIFUL,
"IT WAS AS IF YOU WERE LOOKING
AT A PICTURE POSTCARD.
"IN THIS TOWN
LIVED A SMALL BOY.
"GROWING UP,
"EVERYTHING THE LITTLE BOY DID
WAS CONNECTED TO THE TOWN
"AND THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED THERE.
"HE FELT WARM AND SAFE.
"HE EXPECTED
IT WOULD BE THAT WAY
"FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE,
"BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED
THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING.
"FOR THE FIRST TIME,
"THE BOY FELT LOST, ABANDONED,
"OUT OF PLACE,
"SO WHEN HE CAME OF AGE,
"HE PACKED UP,
"MADE PROMISES
TO THE GIRL HE LOVED
"THAT WOULD BE
IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP,
"AND LEFT THE TOWN
"AND THE PEOPLE
"THAT WERE SUCH AN IMPORTANT
PART OF HIS LIFE,
"MAYBE TO FILL THE VOID,
"MAYBE TO CREATE
HIS OWN DESTINY,
"MAYBE TO TRY AND FORGET.
"HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHY.
"WHAT HE FOUND
"WERE OTHER TOWNS,
MAIN STREETS,
"OTHER CITIES,
"THE NEXT ONE
LOOKING LIKE THE LAST ONE,
"AND THE PEOPLE
WERE NOT LIKE THEY WERE
"IN HIS HOMETOWN.
"ALWAYS IN A HURRY,
BUT SEEMINGLY GOING NOWHERE.
"CROWDED TOGETHER,
BUT LOOKING LONELY.
"SOON, HE DISCOVERED
"THAT HE HAD BECOME
ONE OF THEM,
"AND WHATEVER
HE WAS LOOKING FOR,
"HE WOULD NOT FIND
"UNTIL HE CAME BACK
TO THE VERY PLACE
"HE RAN AWAY FROM,
"AND THE PEOPLE
THAT HELPED FORM HIM
"AS A HUMAN BEING.
"HE WAS SURPRISED AND COMFORTED
"TO FIND THAT HIS TOWN
WAS EXACTLY AS IT WAS
WHEN HE LEFT."
[RICHARD CONTINUES READING]:
"WHEN YOU LEAVE
"FOR A LONG TIME,
"YOU FORGET
WHAT HOME MEANS TO YOU,
"WHAT YOU'VE BEEN MISSING,
"UNTIL YOU COME BACK,
"AND WHAT I SEE IS A TOWN
"THAT, FOR OVER 100 YEARS,
"CREATED ITS OWN DESTINY
"WITHOUT COMPROMISING
ITS PERSONALITY OR CHARACTER.
"SO MY QUESTION
"TO THE PEOPLE
OF GLENVILLE IS,
'WHY MUST SIR SAVE-A-LOT
BECOME A PART OF THAT DESTINY?'"
"YES, CHANGE CAN BE POSITIVE,
"BUT IT CAN ALSO UPSET
THE DELICATE BALANCE
"OF AN ENTIRE WAY OF LIFE.
"AND TURN SOMETHING
THAT YOU HAVE LOVED
"INTO SOMETHING
INDISTINGUISHABLE,
"OR WORSE.
"SHOULDN'T WE
PRESERVE OUR HISTORY
"INSTEAD OF RISKING
ITS EXTINCTION?
"I LOVE THIS TOWN,
"ALMOST IN THE SAME WAY
"I LOVE THE WOMAN I LEFT
11 YEARS AGO.
"SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU'RE SCARED,
YOU RUN,
"BUT I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE,
"AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME
"TO START PRESERVING
SOME OF MY HISTORY,
"WITH THE ONLY TOWN
"AND THE ONLY GIRL
I'VE EVER LOVED,
"IF THEY'LL STILL HAVE ME.
"I URGE YOU NOT TO CHANGE
THE FACE OF OUR TOWN.
LET'S BE THE EXCEPTION
TO THE RULE."
[KNOCKS HESITANTLY]
HEY, DICK?
[EXHALES NERVOUSLY]
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, HONEY?
JACKIE?
IS THAT YOU?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
I JUST...
I WENT FOR A WALK.
RICHARD, EVERYBODY'S WAITING
FOR US AT THE RESTAURANT.
YOU CALLED ME
RICHARD.
OF COURSE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE OKAY?
[CHUCKLES]
MY FAVORITE SCAR.
I PUT MY LOVE BRAND
ON YOU FOR LIFE
WITH A FROZEN CHICKEN.
YOU REMEMBER?
WOW.
YOU SHOULD
GO FOR WALKS MORE OFTEN.
WE'LL FINISH THIS
LATER, BIG BOY.
WE'VE GOTTA GO, WE'RE LATE.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
YOU'RE FUNNY.
UH, GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?
[♪♪]
[HUMMING WITH CONVERSATION]
HEY, MOM, DAD.
PAULIE! PAULIE...
HEY, PAULIE,
SAY HEY TO GRANDPA.
HE'S GOT MICHAEL'S EYES
AND YOUR HAIRLINE.
[CHUCKLES]
RICKY, I'M SO GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT.
RICKY.
ARE YOU KIDDING,
MAYOR?
I WOULDN'T MISS THIS
FOR THE WORLD.
SHE'S STILL THE MAYOR?
MISS WHAT?
[LAUGHS]
AND YOU'RE STILL
A WISE GUY, HUH, RICHARD?
JUST DON'T ASK ME TO
PULL DOWN MY PANTS AGAIN.
HEY, RICKY, I READ YOUR STORY
IN TODAY'S TIMES.
BRILLIANT AS USUAL.
BLAME IT ON
MY MENTOR OVER HERE.
DRINKS.
MISS WHAT?
MOOSE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
MEATLOAF?
OF COURSE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE OKAY?
YEAH.
I'M JUST...
A HAPPY FOOL.
[CHUCKLES]
JACKIE...
DO YOU REMEMBER A GUY
ABOUT, UH,
25 YEARS AGO
NAMED DICK?
YEAH, VAGUELY.
I DON'T REMEMBER
HIS FACE,
BUT HE...
HE WAS A SWEET OLD GUY
AND HE LIKED MEATLOAF.
AND THEN ONE DAY
HE JUST DISAPPEARED.
WHY?
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
25 YEARS.
WHAT'S THE SECRET?
EVERY DAY
IS LIKE DAY ONE.
[GLASSES CLINK]
[♪♪]
I DON'T FEEL GOOD
ABOUT THIS, CARL.
YEAH, WELL,
YOU SHOULD,
IT'S A GREAT PIECE.
THE SOURCE
IS QUESTIONABLE.
IT'S TOO SOON
TO RUN WITH IT.
YEAH, UNFORTUNATELY,
THIS IS HOW THE BUSINESS
WORKS THESE DAYS, RICHARD.
PASSING OFF
RUMOR AS TRUTH?
DESTROYING CAREERS?
I'M TIRED OF BEING AN ASSASSIN.
LOOK, RICHARD,
THE 24/7 NEWS CHANNELS
AND THE BLOGS ARE KILLING US.
IT'S EITHER
KEEP PACE OR DIE.
CARL, JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER DAY
TO GET MORE SUBSTANTIATION.
SORRY.
GOT A DEADLINE!
KFZH HAS JUST LEARNED
THAT DAN JANKOWSKI,
THE CHIEF SUPERVISOR
OF THE CITY
COMPTROLLER'S OFFICE
IS DEAD.
JANKOWSKI WAS THE SUBJECT
OF A STORY BY RICHARD KERM,
THAT BROKE IN THIS EVENING'S
STANDARDBEARER,
ACCUSING HIGHER-UPS
IN THE COMPTROLLER'S OFFICE
OF MISAPPROPRIATING FUNDS.
INITIAL WORD
FROM A TULSA POLICE DEPARTMENT
SPOKESPERSON
IS THAT
IT'S A POSSIBLE SUICIDE.
[♪♪]
♪ IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME ♪
♪ THROUGH THE YEARS ♪
♪ TO STAND AT YOUR DOORWAY ♪
♪ IF I COULD TURN
BACK THE PAGES ♪
♪ REWRITE MY WORDS ♪
♪ FIND A LITTLE COURAGE ♪
♪ IF I COULD HOLD YOUR HAND ♪
♪ TELL YOU JUST HOW MUCH
YOU MEAN TO ME ♪
♪ I'D STARE YOU DOWN ♪
♪ PROMISE
I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOU ♪
♪ IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME ♪
♪ I'D DRY YOUR TEARS ♪
♪ MEND WHAT WAS BROKEN ♪
♪ IF I COULD ONLY RIGHT
ONE WRONG ♪
♪ I'D OPEN UP ♪
♪ BREAK ALL THE SILENCE ♪
♪ AND I WOULD TAKE YOUR HAND ♪
♪ TELL YOU JUST HOW MUCH
YOU MEAN TO ME ♪
♪ WOULD YOU STARE ME DOWN ♪
♪ AND PROMISE ♪
♪ YOU'LL NEVER LEAVE ME? ♪
[♪♪]
HI.
HI.
DUSTY, WHERE'S
MY EDITORIAL--
[CHUCKLES IN DISBELIEF]
[LAUGHING]
WOW, LOOK AT YOU.
YOU KNOW, YOU BROKE MY HEART
WHEN YOU LEFT ME FOR
THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION.
OH, COME ON, DEL, I WAS 19.
A BUCK 75 AN HOUR INCREASE
WAS A LOT OF MONEY THEN.
LOST TRACK OF YOU
AFTER THE HERALD.
WHAT HAPPENED?
HEY, MY PULITZER PRIZE,
WHERE'D I PUT THAT?
MUST HAVE I LEFT IT
IN MY OTHER PANTS.
THE, UH...
TOWN HASN'T CHANGED.
YEAH, WELL, NEITHER
HAS THE NEWS.
I'M JUST ABOUT TO
PROOFREAD THE STORY
ON THIS YEAR'S
PIE-EATING CONTEST.
WOW, THEY'RE STILL
DOING THAT, HUH?
REMEMBER THE YEAR
I LET YOU COVER IT,
AND YOU TRIED TO DO
AN EXPOSE ON THE WINNER
FOR EATING HALF-FILLED PIES?
YOU WERE ONE HARD CASE, KID.
WELL, THAT WAS THEN.
SO, WHAT BRINGS YOU
BACK TO MAYBERRY, OPIE?
UH, YOU KNOW,
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I JUST LOST
EDIE BREWER TO MOTHERHOOD,
SO I'M IN THE MARKET
FOR A REPORTER,
ESPECIALLY A BUM
OF YOUR CALIBER.
THANKS, DEL,
BUT I'M NOT SURE HOW LONG
I'M GOING TO STICK AROUND--
GOOD, YOU CAN HAVE
YOUR OLD OFFICE.
[♪♪]
HI!
I JUST WENT
ON A COFFEE RUN.
HERE.
THANKS.
WE KIND OF MET EARLIER
AT THE OFFICE?
RIGHT.
RICHARD KERM.
I KNOW.
WELCOME ABOARD.
WOW, WORD
TRAVELS FAST.
NOT REALLY SURE
IF I'M STAYING.
I'M EDITOR
OF THE CLASSIFIEDS.
I REMEMBER DOING
THE CLASSIFIEDS.
I WAS PROMOTED
FROM THE MAILROOM.
I KNOW.
YOU WERE 16.
COPYWRITER AT 17.
THEN YOUNGEST COPYWRITER
AT THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION.
THEN YOUNGEST JOURNALIST
AT THE CLARION.
NOTICE I SAID "JOURNALIST,"
NOT "REPORTER".
I HATE "REPORTER."
YEAH, ME TOO.
YOUNGEST WRITER
AT THE TIMES.
QUIT.
A YEAR AT
THE BOSTON GAZETTE.
QUIT.
VANCOUVER POST, QUIT.
ROCHESTER AMERICAN, QUIT.
SEEMS TO BE A THEME
HAPPENING HERE.
SACRAMENTO BEE, FIRED.
WHOA, HOW DID THAT
GET IN THERE?
TULSA STANDARDBEARER,
QUIT,
AND THAT BRINGS US
BACK TO "DOE."
HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL OF THIS?
WHEN YOU QUIT
HIGH SCHOOL
TO GO INTO
THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS,
IT WAS A BOOK
THAT INFLUENCED YOU.
"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
I'M ABOUT AN INCH AWAY
FROM BEING FREAKED OUT.
THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.
AND WHEN YOU LEFT HERE
FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE,
YOU PROMISED JACKIE
YOU'D MARRY HER
AS SOON AS YOU GOT
YOUR FIRST RAISE,
BUT YOU NEVER CAME BACK.
OKAY, THIS ISN'T FUNNY
ANYMORE.
SHE'S STILL OVER
AT THE RESTAURANT, BY THE WAY.
WHO ARE YOU REALLY?
I'VE GOT COFFEE TO DELIVER,
BUT I'LL SEE YOU AROUND.
[♪♪]
HERE YOU GO.
PRETTY GOOD
SWEET POTATO FRIES,
HUH?
I LIKES IT.
SO YOU PROBABLY WANT ME
TO TELL MOOSE.
MM-HMM.
OKAY...
HEY, MOOSE!
THE BLANE KIDS
LIKE YOUR FRIES!
[BELLOWING LIKE A MOOSE]
[LAUGHING]
MOOSE, THE USUAL FOR TUG!
AND THE BLANE KIDS
STILL LIKE YOUR FRIES.
[MOOSE BELLOWING]
[KIDS LAUGHING]
TUG, STOP STARING AT MY BUTT.
HMM? OH!
I'M NOT. I...
I JUST, UH, DROPPED MY FORK.
OH, MUST HAVE BEEN
ONE OF THOSE RUBBER FORKS,
'CAUSE I DIDN'T HEAR IT.
[RINGS BELL]
GEEZ, JACKIE!
I'M SORRY, OKAY?
UH, T-TUG, YOU REMEMBER
RICHARD KERM?
HUH?
OH, YEAH,
YOU SAT NEXT TO ME
IN GEOMETRY.
I COPIED OFF YOU.
YOU'RE SOME KIND OF
NEWSPAPER BIGSHOT.
NO, NOT REALLY.
OKAY, WELL, I GOTTA GO
CHANGE MY PANTS.
THIS ONE SPILLED
COFFEE ON ME.
BE CAREFUL,
SHE'S ONE ANGRY SKIRT.
I DIDN'T TELL HIM
I WAS COPYING FROM
THE GIRL IN FRONT OF US,
WHO, I'M PRETTY SURE
WAS COPYING FROM HIM.
[SIGHS]
YOU LOOK GREAT.
OH, THANKS.
[STAMMERS] SO...
HOW'S YOUR MOM?
SHE'S OKAY.
SHE TRAVELS A LOT.
BEEN AROUND THE WORLD
A BUNCH OF TIMES.
I GET THE OCCASIONAL
POSTCARD, PHONE CALL.
SO SHE NEVER REMARRIED?
NO.
I THINK SHE STILL HASN'T
GOTTEN OVER DAD.
LOOK, JACKIE,
I, UH...
I OWE YOU AN APOLOGY.
NO.
NO, YOU DON'T.
JACKIE, BE HONEST,
DOES THE CILANTRO
OVERPOWER THE LEEKS?
MOOSE, LOOK WHO'S HERE.
KERMIE?
NO WAY, MAN!
[LAUGHING]
I DON'T BELIEVE IT!
THE BIG CHEESE
NEWSPAPER REPORTER.
THE, UH,
THE GOURMET CHEF.
EVER THINK YOU'D HEAR
THE WORD "CILANTRO"
COMING OFF THESE LIPS?
HEY, MOOSE, REMEMBER
WHAT YOU USED TO DO
WHEN YOU WERE CREAMING
AN OPPOSING QUARTERBACK?
[BOTH BELLOWING]
[LAUGHING]
[KIDS GIGGLE OUT FRONT]
HEY, MY FANS AWAIT.
LATER.
HEY, REALLY GOOD
TO SEE YOU, MAN.
YOU TOO, BUDDY.
ALWAYS LOVED THE MOOSE CALL.
SO...
UH, CATCH ME UP.
OKAY, UM, LET'S SEE...
GRADUATED.
WENT TO EUROPE TO FIND MYSELF.
FOUND MYSELF,
AND THEN I PUT OFF COLLEGE
TO HELP MY FOLKS
WITH THE RESTAURANT,
AND THEN THEY RETIRED
TO ARIZONA,
SO THAT WAS THE END
OF JACKIE'S LAW CAREER,
AND THEN
ABOUT FIVE YEARS AGO,
I GOT MARRIED.
THEN SIX MONTHS LATER,
DIVORCED.
I'M SORRY.
LOOK, JACKIE, I STILL FEEL
AWFUL ABOUT WHAT I DID--
RICHARD,
THAT WAS A LIFETIME AGO.
I'M OKAY WITH IT.
REMEMBER THIS PLACE?
YEAH, HOW COULD I FORGET?
WE MADE OUT IN HERE
UNTIL WE HAD ICICLES
GROWING FROM OUR NOSES.
[RICHARD GROANS]
OH, MY GOD.
WHO THROWS A CHICKEN?
I... I HAVE BEEN REHEARSING WHAT
I WAS GOING TO SAY TO YOU
FOR 11 YEARS,
AND IT WAS
REALLY SMART,
AND TOUGH,
AND HEARTFELT.
I AM SO SORRY.
IT-IT'S OKAY.
I DESERVE IT.
NO, IT IS NOT OKAY.
OH, WOW,
THAT IS A NASTY GASH.
OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT I DID.
AH!
NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT-IT'S OKAY.
I JUST NEED
SOMETHING COLD
TO STOP THE BLEEDING.
[WINCING]
OH, GOD...
IT FEELS MUCH BETTER,
THANK YOU.
LET ME
MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
COME BY LATER.
I WILL BAKE YOU
A MEATLOAF.
YOU USED TO ALWAYS
LIKE OUR MEATLOAF.
YOU REMEMBER.
YEAH, OF COURSE.
STILL WITH THE PEAS
AND PEARL ONIONS?
AND THE MUSHROOM GRAVY.
UM, HEY, DO YOU KNOW
THIS GUY, DICK,
WHO WORKS AT THE EAGLE?
YEAH, HE'S NEW IN TOWN.
HE'S A SWEETHEART.
A MEATLOAF LOVER
LIKE YOU.
WHAT ABOUT HIM?
NOTHING.
I-I REALLY AM SORRY.
AH, I THINK IT ALREADY
STOPPED BLEEDING.
HI.
HEY.
WHERE'S, UH, DOC FARLEY?
YOU'RE LOOKING AT HIM.
RICHARD?
JEFF FARLEY.
WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.
JEFF, HEY...
WOW, LOOK AT YOU, HUH?
A DOCTOR JUST LIKE
YOUR OLD MAN.
YEAH, I TOOK OVER HIS PRACTICE.
HOW ABOUT YOU?
REPORTER, RIGHT?
JOURNALIST.
HOW'S THAT GOING FOR YOU?
[EXHALES AWKWARDLY]
LET'S TAKE A LOOK.
YEAH, WHOA.
YEAH, STITCHES
FOR YOU.
HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?
UH, YOU KNOW,
I WAS GETTING OUT OF
THE CAR, AND BOOM.
HEAD HITS THE ROOF.
REALLY?
THERE YOU ARE,
GENTLEMEN. ENJOY.
YOU HUNGRY?
I'LL SEE IF WE CAN
GET SOMETHING FOR YOU.
[RINGS BELL]
HEY, YOU WATCH IT, BUDDY.
YOU'RE ABUSING
YOUR BELL PRIVILEGES.
YOU'RE NOT THE FIRST
TO TELL ME THAT.
HOW'S YOUR HEAD?
IT'S GOOD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
IT WAS, UM...
[TSKS NONCHALANTLY]
YEAH.
SO, WHERE'S THIS MEATLOAF
I'VE BEEN DEPRIVED OF
FOR 11 YEARS?
IN DUE TIME.
[POPS BEER CAP]
IT'S YOUR TURN
TO CATCH ME UP.
RICHARD KERM,
THE MISSING YEARS.
MAKE ME PROUD.
LIES OR TRUTH?
TRUTH.
WELL, UH, SIMPLY PUT,
MY LIFE HASN'T TURNED OUT
THE WAY I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
OH.
WELL, WELCOME TO THE CLUB.
WE MEET ONCE A MONTH
AND THE DUES ARE TAX DEDUCTIBLE.
IT'S THE BIRTHDAY BOY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
KERMIE!
DO YOU THINK I'D FORGET
YOUR 30th?
WELL, I'M TRYING TO.
OKAY, WELL, STOP WHINING
AND BLOW 'EM OUT.
[SIGHS]
MEATLOAF?
MM-HMM.
[CHUCKLES]
[BLOWS OUT CANDLES]
WELL, I WOULD LIKE
TO MAKE A TOAST.
TO RICHARD,
WHO AS A YOUTH
HAD THE CAJONES
TO LEAVE GLENVILLE
TO PURSUE HIS DREAM.
TO THE RETURN
OF THE PRODIGAL SON!
HEAR, HEAR.
IT'S GOOD TO BE HOME.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
♪ WHEN THE BRIGHT MORNING LIGHT
IS DONE BURNING ♪
♪ STUMBLE AND TURN
BLINDLY REACHING FOR THE WALL ♪
♪ AND IT'S ALWAYS
AS DARK AS YOU REMEMBER ♪
WHO SAID
YOU CAN'T GO HOME AGAIN?
ANNA!
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.
NEITHER HAVE YOU.
SO, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING THESE DAYS?
TEACHING HISTORY
AT THE HIGH SCHOOL.
IT KEEPS THE KIDS
AWAY FROM TELEVISION
FOR SEVEN HOURS A DAY.
I REMEMBER
YOU IDOLIZED J.D. SALINGER,
I WAS AN AYN RAND GROUPIE,
AND WE WOULD ARGUE--
ABOUT WHICH ONE
WAS RESPONSIBLE
FOR SCREWING UP
AMERICA'S YOUTH, YES!
I WOULD LOVE IF YOU COULD
TALK TO MY CLASS
ABOUT HOW THE POWER OF THE MEDIA
IS RESPONSIBLE FOR
SCREWING UP AMERICA'S YOUTH.
I'M REALLY NOT SURE
IF I'M STAYING.
YOU LET ME KNOW.
MM-HMM.
GOOD SEEING YOU AGAIN, RICHARD.
YOU TOO.
♪ ...TURN DOWN
THE WAY I WENT BEFORE ♪
FROZEN CHICKENS CAN DO
A LOT OF DAMAGE.
YEAH, GREAT,
IT'S ALL OVER TOWN
ALREADY, HUH?
NOPE.
SORRY ABOUT EARLIER.
I DIDN'T MEAN
TO FREAK YOU OUT.
SHE'S REALLY SOMETHING,
ISN'T SHE?
BUT THEN YOU ALWAYS DID
LIKE FEISTY WOMEN.
OKAY, GAME OVER.
YOU'VE THOUGHT
A LOT ABOUT HER
OVER THE LAST
11 YEARS.
OKAY, CAN YOU
STOP THIS NOW?
MAYBE YOU'RE GETTING
A SECOND CHANCE.
IF SHE DIDN'T FEEL
ANYTHING FOR YOU,
WHY DID SHE DENT YOUR HEAD?
HEY, JACKIE,
CAN YOU BELIEVE
BIRTHDAY BOY DID THAT
GETTING OUT OF
HIS CAR TODAY?
AH...
OCCUPATION: KLUTZ.
[CHUCKLING AWKWARDLY]
HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
MY OLD BOYFRIEND
MEETS MY NEW BOYFRIEND.
[♪♪]
I'M SORRY
ABOUT JACKIE.
GEEZ!
WHAT DO YOU GOT,
MUFFLERS ON YOUR SHOES?
AH, LOOK,
I GOT CAUGHT UP IN SOME
SILLY, ROMANTIC FAIRY TALE
FOR FIVE SECONDS,
BUT IT'S OVER.
YOU KNOW, AND I...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS EXPECTING TO FIND
COMING BACK HERE
ANYWAYS.
WHAT WERE YOU HOPING TO FIND?
WELL, CERTAINLY NOT YOU.
WHAT'S WITH
THE NEHRU JACKET, MAN?
THOSE THINGS WENT
OUT OF STYLE IN THE '60s.
THEY CAME BACK
IN THE SPRING OF 2035.
ARE THEY EXPECTING YOU
BACK AT THE NUTHOUSE?
IT WAS PAINFUL FOR ME, TOO.
WHAT WAS?
RELIVING THAT MOMENT
WITH JACKIE.
ALL RIGHT, WHO ARE YOU?
DON'T YOU KNOW?
I'M YOU, RICHARD.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
WELL, THE 55-YEAR-OLD YOU.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
TO US.
[CHUCKLES]
OH, YOU'RE ME, HUH?
WELL, THEN,
TELL ME HOW YOU GOT HERE?
OH, WAIT, NO,
LET ME GUESS.
IT WAS A TIME WARP?
MAYBE A WRONG TURN
AT THE TWILIGHT ZONE?
NONE OF THOSE.
I WAS ALONE IN MY PERSONAL UNIT
REGRETTING DECISIONS
I'D MADE IN MY LIFE
AND WISHING I COULD SOMEHOW
RECTIFY THEM,
WHEN I INADVERTENTLY PLUGGED
THE PROTEIN IONIZER
INTO THE CARBOHYDRATE PORT
OF MY NOURISHMENT DELSENATOR,
AND POOF!
INTO THE PAST.
AT LEAST, I THINK
THAT'S WHAT HAPPENED.
ANYWAY, HERE I AM.
UH-HUH,
AND, UH, I IMAGINE
THAT IF I TOLD ANYBODY
WHAT YOU JUST SAID,
THAT THEY--
PROBABLY HAVE YOU COMMITTED.
OR YOU.
I'D DENY IT.
OF COURSE,
BUT HOW WOULD YOU EXPLAIN
HAVING THE SAME NAME?
WHAT DID BEN BRADLEY
CALL WOODWARD AND BERNSTEIN
IN OUR FAVORITE MOVIE,
"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN"?
WOODSTEIN.
HI. DICK WOODSTEIN.
SO, YOU WENT TO
THE CEMETERY TODAY.
DOES THE WORD "STALKER"
MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?
I'M NOT A STALKER.
IT'S JUST THE FIRST THING
I DID WHEN I GOT HERE.
HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
DON'T BRING MY FATHER
INTO YOUR DISEASE, OKAY?
HE'S MY FATHER, TOO!
HEY, WHAT ABOUT OUR BIRTHMARK?
THE ONE THAT'S SHAPED
LIKE A HORSE'S HEAD.
HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?
OKAY, I GET IT.
YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH MY MOTHER.
IS SHE STILL
TELLING PEOPLE
THAT STORY?
I REALLY MISS MOM.
OKAY, YOU WHAT, THAT'S IT.
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO,
CRAZY OLD MAN.
GET OUT OF HERE--
OKAY, I WAS HOPING
I COULD AVOID THIS,
BUT, OBVIOUSLY, I CAN'T.
OKAY, WHAT
ARE YOU DOING?
YOU KNOW WHAT, DUDE,
THAT'S IT, I AM
CALLING THE COPS.
TA-DAH!
OUR BIRTHMARK.
OH, MY GOD.
YOU REMEMBER WHAT
WE NICKNAMED HER?
BUTTERMILK.
[CHUCKLES]
BUTTERMILK...
I'M OUTTA HERE!
[STARTER CLICKS USELESSLY]
YOUR COILWIRE.
I PULLED IT.
OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT,
THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.
THIS IS NOT
AN ACCEPTABLE CONCEPT.
[STAMMERING]
IT'S NOT PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE.
IS IT?
THERE'S GOT TO BE A REASONABLE
EXPLANATION FOR THIS.
OH! OKAY,
TELL ME THIS...
IF YOU ARE ME,
AND YOU'RE NOT,
THEN WHY
ARE YOU WORKING
IN THE CLASSIFIED DEPARTMENT
WHEN THERE WAS A JOB OPENING
FOR A JOURNALIST?
I KNEW YOU WERE COMING BACK.
KNEW I WAS COMING BACK...
I DON'T KNOW WHY
I'M EVEN TALKING TO YOU.
BESIDES, IT'S THE WAY
IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED--
THE WAY WHAT HAPPENED?
MY LIFE 25 YEARS AGO.
YOUR LIFE NOW.
THE FROZEN CHICKEN,
FOR EXAMPLE.
I STILL HAVE
THAT SCAR RIGHT HERE.
OKAY, LOOK,
I DON'T KNOW
WHO YOU ARE,
WHAT YOU ARE,
OR WHY YOU'RE HERE--
TO HELP YOU.
TO HELP ME WHAT?
NOT TO DO WHAT
YOU'RE ABOUT TO DO--
WHAT YOU'VE
ALWAYS DONE--
RUN AWAY,
BAIL OUT, QUIT.
ADMIT IT,
WE'VE QUIT
ON SOME VERY GOOD JOBS
AND SOME GOOD WOMEN.
REMEMBER WHAT DAD
ALWAYS SAID?
"IT DOES NO GOOD TO BURY
YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND
BECAUSE YOUR BUTT IS STILL
STICKING UP IN THE AIR."
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[♪♪]
[DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS]
YOU'RE STAYING
HERE, TOO?
AH...
WHAT A GREAT MORNING.
SLEEP WELL?
DUMB QUESTION.
COME ON, WE'LL GET YOU
SOME CAFFEINE AT THE OFFICE.
I'D BETTER DRIVE.
WOW, I HAVEN'T DRIVEN
ONE OF THESE DINOSAURS
IN QUITE A WHILE.
YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE
WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO BE
PUTTING INTO YOUR TANK
IN ABOUT 20 YEARS--RICE!
PROBLEM IS,
INSTEAD OF IMPORTING OIL
FROM THE MIDDLE EAST,
WE'RE ADDICTED TO RICE
FROM THE FAR EAST.
YOU CAN'T WIN.
HI.
I WORK IN THE MAILROOM.
SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN SCHOOL?
NO, FIRST CLASS IS TRIG.
WHAT A WASTE OF TIME, RIGHT?
I MEAN, ANYBODY
ACTUALLY ASK YOU
WHAT THE CO-TANGENT OF X
IS LATELY?
I DOUBT IT.
BESIDES, I'M GOING
TO QUIT SCHOOL
AS SOON AS I TURN 16.
THREE MORE MONTHS,
THEN I WORK HERE FULL TIME.
I QUIT SCHOOL WHEN I WAS 16.
IN FACT, THAT'S WHEN
I STARTED WORKING IN THE...
IN THE MAILROOM.
RICKY.
RICKY?
I LOVE NEWSPAPERS.
I READ, LIKE, FIVE, MAYBE
SIX A DAY, COVER TO COVER.
SEE, I DON'T
READ 'EM ONLINE,
AND I HATE BLOGS.
I'M GOING TO BE
A REAL JOURNALIST.
OKAY.
I'M GOING TO ASK YOU
A QUESTION,
AND I WANT AN HONEST ANSWER.
OKAY, SHOOT.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE MOVIE?
OH, EASY.
"BORAT."
THAT GUY CRACKS ME UP.
THANK YOU.
BUT THE FLICK THAT GOT ME
HOOKED ON THIS BUSINESS?
"ALL THE PRESIDENT'S MEN."
THOSE GUYS REALLY
DUSTED NIXON.
WHO TOLD YOU TO SAY THAT?
NOBODY.
OKAY, TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS.
WHAT?
COME ON,
TAKE 'EM OFF!
LET ME SEE BUTTERMILK,
LET'S GO, COME ON.
NO BUTTERMILK?
NOPE.
SO RICKY IS NOT
THE 15-YEAR-OLD ME?
NOW, THAT WOULD
REALLY BE FREAKY,
BUT NO, HE'S NOT YOU,
NOT ME.
TOTAL COINCIDENCE.
SO, RICHARD,
HAVE YOU DECIDED ON
YOUR FIRST STORY YET?
UH...
DEL, DON'T WE NEED
ANOTHER STORY
ON SIR SAVE-A-LOT?
WHO?
GIANT DISCOUNT CHAIN.
THE TOWN'S VOTING IN
A COUPLE OF DAYS
ON WHETHER TO LET THEM
PUT ONE UP
AT THE END OF MAIN STREET.
I LIKE IT, DICK.
THANKS, DEL.
IT'D BE A GOOD WAY
FOR YOU TO GET RE-ACQUAINTED
WITH GLENVILLE, RICHARD.
TALK TO THE LOCALS,
SEE HOW THEY FEEL
ABOUT THE POSSIBILITY
OF THIS CANCER
INVADING THEIR TOWN.
OH, WHOA, DOWN BOY.
WE'RE NOT LOOKING
TO START TROUBLE.
THIS IS ONLY A STORE.
JEEZ, YOU TWO ARE CUT
FROM THE SAME CLOTH.
JUST KEEP IT
BALANCED, RICHARD.
NOW, YOU LOOK--
DON'T PAY
ANY ATTENTION TO DEL.
HE'S A TOTAL PLERB.
WHICH IS SLANG FOR "WUSS"
IN ABOUT 20 YEARS.
JUST GET IN THERE
AND DIG OUT A STORY.
TAKE NO PRISONERS.
[♪♪]
WALTER'S KID!
LOOK HOW THEY GROW UP.
I GAVE HIM
HIS FIRST HAIRCUT.
AND IF YOU'RE
LOOKING FOR
THE MISSING PIECE OF YOUR EAR,
THERE'S A LOST AND FOUND BOX
IN THE BACK.
[CHUCKLING]
REMEMBER THE STORY HE DID
FOR NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION?
YOU WERE A PIT BULL!
I'M NOT DOING THOSE
KIND OF STORIES ANYMORE.
YOUR DAD WOULD'VE BEEN PROUD.
MAY HE REST IN PEACE.
AMEN.
ACTUALLY, I'M DOING
A STORY FOR THE EAGLE.
WHAT DO
YOU GUYS THINK
ABOUT SIR SAVE-A-LOT?
BEST THING
THAT'LL EVER HAPPEN TO US.
"US"?
WHO DIED AND APPOINTED YOU
MY MOUTHPIECE?
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S GOT
A HARDWARE DEPARTMENT.
I HAVE A HARDWARE STORE.
DOESN'T TAKE A GENIUS
TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT MEANS.
AH, DON'T LISTEN TO HIM.
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S GONNA JACK US
RIGHT OUT OF
THIS ECONOMIC SLUMP.
CAN THANK
THE NEW MAYOR FOR THAT.
[MURMURS OF AGREEMENT]
BEEN IN OFFICE
FOR LESS THAN A YEAR,
ALREADY DONE WONDERS
FOR MORALE AROUND HERE.
HEY, ARE WE HERE
TO DRAFT OR YAP?
ALL RIGHT.
RITA, YOUR PICK.
I'M GOING WITH
KEVIN MORSE.
A LOSER!
ACCORDING TO MY SCOUTS
HE CRIES WHEN HE FUMBLES.
'CAUSE HE'S
10 YEARS OLD, CHUCK!
HEY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS KNOW
ABOUT THIS GUY, DICK,
WORKS OVER AT THE EAGLE?
ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE UP, CHUCK.
LARRY.
NO, NO, WAIT,
WAIT, WAIT, MARK.
NO, NO, NO,
MORRIS.
WHAT?
MORRIS.
[KNOCKS]
EXCUSE ME, MR. MAYOR?
YOUR HONOR.
JACKIE.
HEY, UH...
I'M LOOKING FOR THE MAYOR.
AND YOU FOUND HER.
NOW, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME?
I DIDN'T WANT TO BRAG.
YOUR DAD WAS MAYOR FOR--
YUP, FOR 15 YEARS.
I DON'T THINK THE TOWN
WANTED TO BOTHER
CHANGING THE NAMEPLATE,
SO JUST A TEENY, WEENY
BIT OF PRESSURE ON ME.
DEL ASKED ME TO DO A STORY
ON SIR SAVE-A-LOT
COMING HERE.
UH-OH.
DON'T WORRY,
IT'LL BE A FLUFF PIECE.
RICHARD KERM,
A FLUFF PIECE?
THE KINDER,
GENTLER RICHARD KERM.
[SIGHS]
FIVE ACRES OWNED BY THE TOWN,
A NON-INCOME BEARING TURKEY
FOR YEARS.
WE SELL IT
TO SIR SAVE-A-LOT,
AND BINGO,
INSTANT CASH FLOW.
NOW, THE BEST PART,
ONCE THE STORE
IS UP AND RUNNING,
WE PROJECT
A 20% INCREASE
IN TOURIST TRAFFIC
THROUGH GLENVILLE
AND A 15% INCREASE
IN REVENUE AND JOBS,
AND THAT'S JUST
IN THE FIRST YEAR.
HEY, GUYS!
DON'T FORGET THE TOWN MEETING
ON FRIDAY NIGHT.
WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT!
[BICYCLE BELL JINGLES]
RICHARD, THIS
SIR SAVE-A-LOT DEAL
IS THE BIGGEST THING
I'VE EVER DONE IN MY LIFE,
AND I HAVE NEVER BEEN
MORE SURE OF ANYTHING,
SO GO AHEAD,
FIRE AWAY.
ASK THE TOUGH QUESTIONS.
OKAY.
WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
YOU HAD A BOYFRIEND?
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
YEAH, THANKS FOR NOT
TELLING HIM ABOUT--
THE CHICKEN?
YEAH, IT'S
NO PROBLEM.
SO IS IT SERIOUS?
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE.
I'M HAPPY FOR YOU.
HI, HONEY.
HI.
HOW'S THE HEAD,
RICHARD?
UH, IT'S BETTER.
WELL, I'VE GOT GO,
I'VE GOT
A STORY TO DO.
BE GENTLE.
YOU'RE THINKING
OF LEAVING AGAIN.
[SIGHS] WHY?
WHAT DID YOU TAKE
OUT OF MY CAR THIS TIME,
THE ENGINE?
NOTHING, BUT LEAVING NOW
IS A BIG MISTAKE.
AND WHY IS THAT?
BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING TO
MARRY HER.
JACKIE?
NOW GET BACK TO WORK
ON THAT STORY OF YOURS.
[♪♪]
HEY.
RICKY...
HEY, I WANTED TO
APOLOGIZE FOR BEFORE
AND EXPLAIN WHY I...
FORGET IT.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
YOU PROBABLY JUST HAD
ONE OF THOSE SENIOR MOMENTS.
QUESTION,
CAN YOU COME TALK TO MY STAFF
AT THE HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?
THE OAK?
IS THAT STILL AROUND?
I'M THE EDITOR.
WELL, ACTUALLY, I PROMISED
ANNA PALINDROME
I WOULD TALK TO
HER LITERATURE CLASS.
[SCOFFS]
OH, I GET IT.
YOU'RE MAKING A MOVE
ON MISS PALINDROME.
NO.
WRONG.
[CLEARS THROAT]
OKAY, OKAY, I WILL COME
AND TALK TO YOUR STAFF,
BUT NOW DISAPPEAR, PLEASE.
I HAVE TO FINISH THIS STORY.
I'LL SET IT UP.
ANOTHER COUNTRY
HEARD FROM.
WHAT?
THIS IS YOUR STORY?
YEAH. SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S
A WINNER.
EVERYBODY LOVES IT.
EVERYBODY LOVES MAYOR JACKIE.
DID YOU CHECK OUT
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S TRACK RECORD?
NOPE.
DID YOU TALK TO
ANY TOWN OFFICIALS
AT OTHER STORE SITES?
NOPE.
WHAT ABOUT IMPARTIAL PARTIES?
I BELIEVE
I'M DOING THIS STORY.
THEN DO IT RIGHT.
SCRAPE, DIG, BE TENACIOUS.
YOU CALL YOURSELF
AN INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST?
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I DO...
AND YOU KNOW
WHAT I FOUND?
EXHIBIT A.
THIS IS A DESCRIPTION
OF MY BIRTHMARK,
PART OF
THE PUBLIC RECORD
FROM GLENVILLE
MEMORIAL HOSPITAL,
WHERE YOU GOT IT.
I HAVEN'T BEEN
TO GLENVILLE MEMORIAL
SINCE I WAS BORN.
YEAH, RIGHT,
AND WHAT ABOUT LASLO?
WHO?
THE TATTOO ARTIST
AT HICKEY'S PAWN SHOP.
HE TATTOOED YOUR BUTT
WITH EXHIBIT A.
DUDE, YOUR CHARADE
IS OVER.
LASLO! LASLO'S A STONER.
HIS MIND IS SHOT.
HE CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER
WHO'S PRESIDENT,
AND THIS IS NOT A TATTOO!
THEN WHAT WERE YOU DOING
IN A TATTOO PARLOR?
I WAS AT THE PAWN SHOP.
REMEMBER DAD'S WATCH?
THE ONE HE LEFT US
IN HIS WILL?
THE ONE WE HOCKED
SO WE COULD BUY JACKIE
THE RING WE GAVE HER
BEFORE WE LEFT
AND NEVER CAME BACK?
OKAY, HOW DO YOU...
I WENT TO SEE
IF IT WAS STILL THERE,
SO I COULD BUY IT BACK,
BUT IT WASN'T.
OKAY.
OKAY, WELL, SHOW ME SOME I.D.!
SHOW ME A-A
BIRTH CERTIFICATE,
OR A DRIVER'S LICENSE.
WHAT'S YOUR
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER?
374 TO THE 10th POWER.
THE WHOLE SYSTEM
WAS RE-ORGANIZED.
YOU'VE GOT TO BELIEVE ME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I BELIEVE?
I BELIEVE
I'M TAKING THIS STORY,
I'M GOING TO WALK
INTO DEL'S OFFICE,
HAND IT TO HIM,
THEN I'M GOING TO
GET IN MY TRUCK,
JAM THE PEDAL TO THE FLOOR,
AND NEVER LOOK BACK.
WHAT ABOUT JACKIE?
JACKIE HAS A LIFE.
I, ON THE OTHER HAND,
HAVE GOT TO FIND ONE,
AND I SUGGEST
YOU DO THE SAME.
YOU CAN'T GO NOW!
ALREADY GONE.
LET'S GO.
TIME TO GIVE
THAT TALK AT THE OAK.
PLACE LOOKS
AND SMELLS THE SAME.
[CHUCKLES FONDLY]
I CARVED THAT
IN MY SOPHOMORE YEAR.
WHO'S "J.B"?
NEVER MIND.
I'LL FIND OUT.
THIS IS MY STAFF.
HEY, GUYS.
UH... WELL, WHERE TO START?
UM, I COVERED SPORTS
MY FRESHMAN YEAR.
YOU WROTE THAT PIECE
ON THE FOOTBALL TEAM,
ABOUT HOW THEY WERE ABSENT
FROM MID-TERM EXAMS,
YET SOMEHOW STILL PASSED THEM.
THE TEAM WAS PUT
ON PROBATION FOR A YEAR.
IT'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
OKAY, HAVE YOU BEEN TALKING
TO DICK?
IS EVERYBODY IN THIS TOWN NUTS?
LOOK, IT'S MY JOB
TO KNOW EVERYTHING.
NOW, ISN'T IT TRUE
THAT YOU'VE NEVER LASTED
MORE THAN A YEAR
AT A NEWSPAPER?
I'M WRITING A STORY ON YOU.
WHEN YOU'RE MINING
FOR THE TRUTH,
USUALLY, SOMEBODY GETS HURT.
YEAH, SOMEONE USUALLY DOES,
WHICH DOESN'T MEAN IT'S RIGHT.
MAN, YOU'RE REALLY
GETTING SOFT, AREN'T YOU?
YOU ASKED ME HERE
FOR MY ADVICE
ABOUT JOURNALISM.
HERE IT IS.
STAY IN SCHOOL, GRADUATE,
GO TO COLLEGE,
YOU KNOW, GET MARRIED,
HAVE TWO AND A HALF KIDS,
LIVE A QUIET
AND UNCOMPLICATED LIFE,
PREFERABLY
AS AN ACCOUNTANT.
BUT MOST OF ALL,
STAY OUT OF
THE NEWSPAPER BUSINESS.
IT HAS VERY LITTLE TO DO
WITH THE TRUTH.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
EXCUSE ME.
HELLO.
WHAT?
OKAY, NO, CALM DOWN.
CALM DOWN, I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
I GOTTA GO.
BUT, DEL, I PUT IT
ON YOUR DESK.
OH, MAYBE THE COCKROACHES
CARRIED IT OFF
AND ARE EDITING IT
AS WE SPEAK.
JUST GET ME THE STORY.
[KNOCKS]
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
I FOUND IT.
OKAY, I FOUND IT ON DEL'S DESK.
THIS IS COMPLETELY
ONE-SIDED.
ALL PROS AND NO CONS.
ONE WOULD THINK YOU WERE ON
SIR SAVE-A-LOT'S PAYROLL.
I'M EMBARRASSED
TO HAVE MY NAME ON THIS.
YOUR NAME?
OH, OKAY.
NOW I GET IT.
YOU'RE A FRUSTRATED
OLD NEWSPAPER HACK
WHO WAS FORCED TO RETIRE,
SO YOU DECIDED
TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME.
IF THAT'S WHAT
YOU WANT TO BELIEVE, FINE,
JUST DO YOUR RESEARCH FIRST.
I'M OUTTA HERE.
YOU CAN'T LEAVE!
WE HAVE NEVER WALKED OUT
ON AN UNFINISHED STORY
IN OUR LIVES!
QUIT SAYING "WE"!
[STAMMERS]
WE SWALLOWED A BEE
WHEN WE WERE SIX!
AND WHERE IN IOWA?
AND HOW MUCH OF A DROP-OFF?
THAT'S NOT BAD.
AND HOW MANY STORES
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE?
NO, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH
TO RAISE A RED FLAG.
OKAY, NO, THANKS
FOR YOUR HELP, CHRISTY.
YEAH, NO, YOU GIVE MY BEST
TO THE NEWSHOUNDS AT THE HERALD.
YEAH, NEXT TIME I'M IN TOWN,
I PROMISE.
OKAY.
YEAH, TAKE CARE.
[♪♪]
CAN I BORROW HER
FOR A MINUTE?
I'LL BE BACK.
SIR SAVE-A-LOT.
WHAT ABOUT IT?
WELL, I'M MAYBE BEING
A LITTLE OVERCAUTIOUS,
BUT I THINK
YOU SHOULD, UH...
YOU SHOULD, UM...
SHOULD WHAT?
I'M SORRY,
I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING.
I'M SORRY, I--
STAY OR GO?
UH...
GO.
[♪♪]
HEY, MORNING,
KERMIE.
I GOT SWEET PEA PANCAKES
ON THE GRIDDLE.
SOUNDS GOOD, MOOSE,
BUT I NEED TALK TO JACKIE.
WHERE IS SHE?
UH, SHE'S AT CITY HALL
IN HER OFFICE.
SHOWING OFF
HER ENGAGEMENT RING.
JEFF SPRUNG IT ON HER
LAST NIGHT.
♪ HOW MANY NIGHTS ♪
♪ HOW MANY LOVERS ♪
♪ HOW MANY DREAMS ♪
♪ UNDER THE COVERS
AS WE REACH... ♪
♪ FOR EACH OTHER... ♪
LET'S SEE.
WOW! CONGRATULATIONS.
THANK YOU.
[CAR DOOR OPENS]
YOU'RE NOT STAYING
FOR THE FESTIVAL?
GET OUT OF MY CAR.
BUT WE LOVE THE DUNK TANK,
REMEMBER?
SHE IS ENGAGED.
I NEVER SAID
THIS WAS GOING TO BE EASY.
IF YOU KNEW,
WHY DIDN'T YOU WARN ME?
BECAUSE I KNEW
YOU'D SKIP TOWN!
YEAH, LIKE
I'M DOING RIGHT NOW!
NO, PLEASE, DON'T!
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
WAIT!
GET OFF MY CAR!
IF YOU GENTLY STROKE
THE BACK OF HER NECK
WITH YOUR FOREFINGER,
SHE PURRS LIKE A KITTEN!
GET OFF!
[♪♪]
♪ HOW MANY NIGHTS ♪
♪ HOW MANY LOVERS ♪
♪ HOW MANY DREAMS ♪
♪ UNDER THE COVERS
AS WE REACH... ♪
♪ FOR EACH OTHER... ♪
FINGERPRINTS? WHY?
WELL, MY COMPUTER
WAS STOLEN,
AND THAT CUP WAS SITTING
ON TOP OF IT,
SO THE THIEF HAD TO REMOVE IT
TO GET THE COMPUTER.
HEY, THAT'S
PRETTY GOOD.
HE'S NOT A TOP-NOTCH
INVESTIGATIVE JOURNALIST
FOR NOTHING.
WE HAVEN'T HAD
A THEFT IN...
TWO YEARS.
I'M GOING TO PUT
A RUSH ON THIS.
OH, COULD YOU TAKE
MY FINGERPRINTS?
THEY'RE ALSO ON THE CUP, SO...
WOULDN'T WANT YOU ARRESTING ME
FOR STEALING
MY OWN COMPUTER.
I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN
TO THE STATION.
HANDCUFFS NOT NECESSARY.
[♪♪]
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?
I KNOW.
I SHOULDN'T HAVE KISSED YOU.
I WAS OUT OF LINE.
DEL JUST SHOWED ME YOUR STORY.
YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING
TO DO A FLUFF PIECE.
YOUR FACTS ARE MISLEADING,
THEY DON'T HAVE
A THING TO DO WITH GLENVILLE.
JACKIE, I NEVER--
CROSSBRIDGE, KANSAS?
SCOTT FALLS, IOWA?
I MEAN, OF COURSE, THESE PLACES
CAN'T SUPPORT A SIR SAVE-A-LOT
AND A LOCAL
MOM-AND-POP STORES.
THEY HAVE MORE CHIPMUNKS
THAN HUMANS.
THIS IS LONG ISLAND.
THERE'S PLENTY OF BUSINESS
FOR EVERYONE.
WE SPENT 15 GRAND
ON A FEASIBILITY STUDY.
THANK GOD, HE'S NOT
PUBLISHING YOUR STORY.
JACKIE...
I NEVER GAVE THE STORY TO DEL.
I THREW IT IN THE TRASH.
IT'S JUST THAT
THE SIR SAVE-A-LOT VOTE
IS TOMORROW NIGHT,
AND A STORY LIKE THAT
COULD HAVE SPOOKED EVERYBODY.
YOU SHOULD HAVE COME TO ME
FOR MY SIDE OF IT.
WELL, I TRIED TO,
BUT YOU WERE TOO BUSY
SHOWING OFF
YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING.
OH, SO THAT'S
WHAT THIS IS ABOUT?
WHAT IS?
YOU'RE TRYING TO SABOTAGE ME
BECAUSE YOU'RE JEALOUS.
JEALOUS?
PLEASE.
GET OVER YOURSELF.
OKAY.
MAYBE...
I'M A LITTLE BUT JEALOUS.
SEEING YOU WITH THE RING,
IT WAS PRETTY DIFFICULT,
BUT I NEVER MEANT TO HURT YOU
WITH THAT STORY,
AND I SWEAR,
I THREW IT IN THE TRASH.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, RICHARD?
TO WALTZ INTO GLENVILLE
AFTER 11 YEARS,
AND LITTLE JACKIE'S
JUST GONNA DROP EVERYTHING
AND MAKE A BEELINE
INTO YOUR ARMS?
I AM SETTLED, AND I AM HAPPY,
AND I HAVE
FINALLY FOUND
SOMEBODY GOOD
IN MY LIFE,
SO, PLEASE,
JUST STAY OUT OF IT.
JACKIE...
JACKIE!
[BICYCLE BELL JINGLES]
HELLO, RICHARD.
HI, ANNA.
COMING OR GOING?
I JUST PICKED UP A COPY
OF "DR. ZHIVAGO"
AT THE BOOK NOOK.
TWO PEOPLE
MADLY IN LOVE
BEING PULLED APART
BY FATE.
IT'S TRAGIC.
FOR SOME REASON,
I LIKE IT.
I'M GOING HOME WITH
BORIS PASTERNAK HERE
AND LIGHTING THE FIREPLACE
TO GET ME THROUGH
THE COLD RUSSIAN WINTER.
CARE TO JOIN ME?
UM, NO, I GOT TO, UH--
YOU STOOD UP MY CLASS
TO TALK TO THE SCHOOL NEWSPAPER.
YOU OWE ME, RICHARD KERM.
[♪♪]
[LAUGHING]
RICHARD,
I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO
ADMIT SOMETHING TO YOU,
BUT I'M VERY SHY.
WELL, ALCOHOL MAKES ME
VERY NON-JUDGMENTAL,
SO PLEASE GO AHEAD.
I HAD AN ENORMOUSLY
FRUSTRATING CRUSH ON YOU
IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YOU LOOKING FOR ME,
HANDSOME?
ALWAYS.
CONGRATULATIONS,
BY THE WAY.
THANKS.
IT'S A BIG DEAL.
I MEAN, FINDING
THAT ONE PERSON.
YEAH.
YEAH, I KNOW.
HAS RICHARD BEEN HERE?
[CLEARS THROAT
AWKWARDLY]
WERE YOU EVER MARRIED?
NO. NO.
YOU?
ONLY TO THE CAREER.
WELL, I, UH,
I'M THINKING ABOUT
GETTING A DIVORCE,
FROM MY CAREER.
WHY?
IT HASN'T BEEN
A VERY FULFILLING MARRIAGE.
DO YOU GET LONELY?
YEAH, SOMETIMES,
WHEN I THINK ABOUT
BEING LONELY,
WHICH IS WHY I TRY NOT TO.
YOU?
UH, I'VE HAD MY...
SHALL WE SAY, DALLIANCES...
WHICH HAVE SATISFIED ME
ONLY MOMENTARILY,
BUT, UH, IN GENERAL,
SURE.
I GUESS AS LONG AS
I'M THE MAYOR,
THEY'LL COMPARE ME TO MY FATHER.
IT'S A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW.
DADS USUALLY ARE.
WHAT DID YOURS DO?
ELECTRICIAN.
HE DIED WHEN I WAS 11.
I'M SORRY.
WELL, HE USED TO SAY,
"SOMETIMES LIFE IS LIKE
THE BLINDSPOT
IN YOUR REARVIEW MIRROR."
RICHARD WAS ALSO 11
WHEN HIS DAD DIED.
IT WAS A SAD DAY.
THE TWO OF YOU
ARE CLOSE, HUH?
USED TO BE.
WHY AM I EVEN
TALKING ABOUT HIM?
IT'S STRANGE.
RICHARD'S DAD
WAS ALSO AN ELECTRICIAN,
AND YOU BOTH HAVE
THE SAME BIRTHDAY,
AND THE SAME NAME.
IT'S WEIRD.
YEAH, STRANGE.
BUT YOU I LIKE.
TOO BAD YOU WEREN'T
25 YEARS YOUNGER.
YEAH, TOO BAD.
BUT, YOU KNOW,
RICHARD'S A GOOD GUY.
HE'S JUST CONFUSED.
AREN'T WE ALL?
WELL, I'D BETTER FIND HIM.
THANKS FOR THE COFFEE.
LISTEN, I SAW HIM
OUTSIDE THE RESTAURANT EARLIER.
HE WAS TALKING TO ANNA.
SHE GOT INTO HIS CAR.
[LAUGHING]
WELL...
I SHOULD GO.
RICHARD, I CAN'T
LET YOU DRIVE
IN THIS CONDITION.
I PROMISE YOU, I'LL BE OKAY.
I'VE GOT
A GUEST ROOM.
YOU CAN STAY HERE.
NO, I'M...
NO, I'M FINE.
RICHARD, GIVE ME
YOUR KEYS.
NO, I JUST...
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I'M JUST GONNA WALK IT.
IT'S A COUPLE
OF MILES--
THE, UM...
YOU KNOW, THE FRESH AIR
WILL DO ME GOOD.
UM, THANK YOU
FOR TONIGHT.
AW, GEEZ.
YOU'RE DRUNK.
YEAH.
SO, WHAT HAPPENED
BETWEEN YOU AND ANNA.
OH, WHAT, YOU DON'T KNOW?
I DON'T REMEMBER.
HMM.
REMEMBER THIS?
UH, YEAH.
SURE, I REMEMBER THAT.
YOU DON'T, DO YOU?
[CHUCKLES RUEFULLY]
OH, THE 55-YEAR-OLD ME...
LISTEN, WHEN YOU GET
TO BE MY AGE,
YOU WON'T REMEMBER
EVERYTHING EITHER,
NO MATTER HOW MUCH ZAMOONIUM
YOU TAKE.
ZA-WHAT?
ZAMOONIUM,
IT'S A MEMORY DRUG.
IT HITS THE MARKET
IN ABOUT 2016.
[SIGHS]
WELL, MAYBE
I NEED SOME ZAMOONIUM,
BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER
GIVING DEL
MY SIR SAVE-A-LOT STORY.
I THOUGHT I THREW IT
IN THE TRASH.
YOU DID.
THAT'S WHERE I FOUND IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT
DOING JACKIE ANY FAVORS
TRYING TO PROTECT HER
FROM THE INEVITABLE.
WHAT DOES THAT
EVEN MEAN?
WELL, IT MEANS--
NO, NO.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
[♪♪]
[SIREN WAILING]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
[OVER LOUDSPEAKER]
STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE!
ASSUME THE POSITION.
RITA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
WHOA!
ARE YOU TRANSPORTING
NARCOTICS?
NO, OF COURSE NOT!
AH, RELAX.
I'M JUST STAYING IN SHAPE.
I GOT THE
FINGERPRINT RESULTS.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS, AND, UH...
I'M SORRY I WASTED YOUR TIME.
IT WAS EXCITING FOR A WHILE.
I THOUGHT I HAD MYSELF A PERP.
IT TURNS OUT, YOUR PRINTS
ARE ALL OVER THAT CUP.
WHAT, JUST MINE?
YEAH, A PERFECT MATCH.
HMM.
HOW ABOUT A ZESTY
MEXICAN OMELET, CHUCK?
IT COMES WITH CEVICHE,
HAND-ROLLED
CORN TORTILLAS.
IT'S A REAL MORNING
PICK-ME-UPPER.
OKAY, MOOSE,
BUT HOLD THE JALAPENOS.
REFLUX.
CAN DO.
HEY, CHUCK.
MOOSE, HAVE YOU
SEEN DICK?
UH, NO, NOT SINCE LAST NIGHT.
PANCHO SPECIAL,
86 THE SINUS-CLEANERS!
10-4!
OH, JACKIE'S WORKING
THE KITCHEN TODAY.
SHE'S FEELING
PRETTY LOUSY.
SHE GAVE THE RING
BACK TO JEFF LAST NIGHT.
WHY?
RICHARD, YOU DON'T KNOW
SHE'S STILL IN LOVE WITH YOU?
MOOSE, I WANT TO
CHANGE MY ORDER.
WHAT ABOUT
THE QUESADILLAS?
WITH SAUSAGE,
AND GUACAMOLE?
WHY ARE YOU
HERE, RICHARD?
JACKIE, I DIDN'T
WANT TO BE THE CAUSE
OF YOU GUYS BREAKING UP--
WHY ARE YOU HERE?
ARE YOU HUNGRY,
IS THAT IT?
JACKIE, COME ON, PLEASE?
LOOK--
WHAT, THE SCHOOL MARM,
SHE DIDN'T MAKE YOU
BREAKFAST THIS MORNING?
JACKIE--
OR THE TWO OF YOU
COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED?
HEY--
DID SHE MEET
YOUR EXPECTATIONS?
JACKIE, LISTEN TO ME--
[GROANING IN PAIN]
NOTHING HAPPENED, JACKIE!
SO, THEY SAID
THE ON-CALL DOCTOR
WILL BE IN TO REVIEW
YOUR X-RAYS.
RICHARD,
I AM SO, SO SORRY.
MY TEMPER'S
BEEN HORRIBLE LATELY--
OH, JUST LATELY?
YEAH, IT'S JUST...
I REMEMBER
THIS FIFTH GRADER,
SHE SLUGGED
THE SCHOOL NURSE
WHEN SHE WAS GETTING
A FLU SHOT.
IT WAS CRAZY.
JACKIE.
I, UM...
I'M GOING TO
WAIT OUTSIDE.
NO, NO, PLEASE STAY.
SO, RICHARD,
HOW'D IT HAPPEN
THIS TIME?
BRUSHING YOUR TEETH?
IT WAS MY FAULT.
I BET.
[WINCES SHARPLY]
YEAH, JUST AS
THE X-RAYS CONFIRMED.
A MILD FRACTURE.
I ASSUMED YOU WERE LOOKING
FOR A RELATIONSHIP, JACKIE.
IF I KNEW YOU WANTED
A PINATA,
I WOULD'VE
BOUGHT YOU ONE.
JEFF, THAT'S NOT FAIR.
FAIR?
HEY! OW!
IT'S THE LATERAL ULNA,
ALL RIGHT.
JEFF!
I'M-I'M SORRY,
RICHARD.
CAN I COME OVER TONIGHT?
I JUST WANT TO TALK.
I DON'T THINK
THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.
YOU OWE ME AT LEAST THAT.
[WINCES]
PLEASE EXCUSE
US, RICHARD.
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT,
BETTER YET,
UM, JACKIE, CAN YOU EXCUSE US
FOR A MINUTE?
PLEASE?
I SEE YOU GOT
A NEW STETHOSCOPE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
TO, UH,
REPLACE THE ONE YOU LOST?
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, DOC.
NUMBER ONE,
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO
ANYWHERE NEAR
JACKIE'S HOUSE TONIGHT,
OR ANY OTHER NIGHT.
NUMBER TWO,
IF YOU EVER,
EVER HURT HER
BY TELLING HER ABOUT
YOUR LITTLE
INDISCRETION,
I WILL DO A CHARACTER
ASSASSINATION PIECE ABOUT YOU
IN THE EAGLE,
THAT WILL LEAVE YOU
WITH ONE OPTION
FOR PRACTICING MEDICINE--
PROCTOLOGY,
AT THE SUFFOLK COUNTY
PETTING ZOO.
YOU UNDERSTAND?
YOU PLERB.
[CLEARS THROAT
AWKWARDLY]
[♪♪]
WHAT'S WITH
THE GOOFY GRIN?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M A HAPPY FOOL.
[CHUCKLES]
SO ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME
WHAT YOU SAID TO JEFF?
I TOLD YOU, WE, UH,
JUST WENT OVER
MY X-RAYS.
I FEEL SO BADLY FOR HIM.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]
I FORGOT
HOW MUCH I MISSED THIS PLACE.
IT'S HARD TO
APPRECIATE
WHEN YOU'RE A KID.
IT'S HARD TO APPRECIATE
A LOT OF THINGS.
YOU KNOW,
SPEAKING OF RINGS, UM...
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO
THAT PIMPLE OF A DIAMOND
I GAVE YOU?
NO, LET ME GUESS,
YOU TRADED IT
FOR A BAG OF PEANUTS?
NO, NO ONE WOULD GIVE ME
A BAG OF PEANUTS,
SO I BURIED IT
IN THE ATTIC SOMEWHERE.
BUT I DO HAVE THIS.
JACKIE, THAT'S
MY DAD'S OLD WATCH.
MM-HMM.
HOW DID YOU GET...
WHEN YOU LEFT
FOR THE NEW HAMPSHIRE CLARION,
I FOUND OUT IT WAS
AT HICKEY'S PAWN SHOP,
SO I BOUGHT IT.
IT WAS GOING TO BE
YOUR WEDDING GIFT.
THANK YOU.
JACKIE, I...
I PAWNED THE WATCH
SO I COULD
BUY YOU THE RING.
WELL,
THEN I GUESS
THE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE.
RICHARD,
WHY DIDN'T YOU COME BACK?
I DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, GOD KNOWS I'VE THOUGHT
ABOUT IT A TON OF TIMES,
I WOULD JUST KIND OF...
KEEP COMING BACK TO,
"I WAS 19.
THAT'S WHAT
19-YEAR-OLDS DO."
NOW I'M 30
AND I'M ALL OUT OF EXCUSES.
YOU'RE NOT
GOING TO HIT ME, ARE YOU?
[CHUCKLING]
NO.
YOU ARE ME.
I'M YOU--
WE ARE US!
SO YOU FINALLY BELIEVE ME?
I...
I CAN'T EVEN BEGIN TO
UNDERSTAND IT, BUT WHY NOT?
OUR FINGERPRINTS MATCH.
I KNOW!
IT'S GREAT, RIGHT?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED.
I HAVE SO MANY
QUESTIONS FOR YOU.
WHEN YOU WERE 30,
DID YOU ALSO HAVE
SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
AND DOES THIS HAPPEN
TO EVERYBODY?
WHY ME?
SHH!
[QUIETLY]: I CAN'T!
SHE KEPT THE RING.
BUT OF COURSE
YOU ALREADY
KNOW THAT, TOO.
I-I'M GETTING
USED TO THIS.
LOOK AT THIS.
DAD'S WATCH.
YEAH.
WAIT, SHOULDN'T YOU
ALREADY HAVE THIS?
IT'S A LONG STORY.
WELL, TELL ME EVERYTHING.
WHAT HAPPENS TO ME?
I CAN'T DO THAT.
IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR.
YOU HAVE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
OH, COME ON.
TELL ME SOMETHING YOU CAN.
UH, WELL, OKAY.
TELEVISIONS
AND COMPUTER SCREENS
ARE HOLOGRAMS NOW.
WHAT ABOUT GLOBAL WARMING?
STILL NO ANSWER.
WELL, UH,
WHAT ELSE DO YOU GOT?
UM, HOW LONG HAVE YOU
AND JACKIE BEEN MARRIED?
WHAT'S SHE DOING NOW?
LET'S TALK IN YOUR OFFICE.
OKAY.
DONALD BRICKHOUSE,
VICE PRESIDENT
OF ACQUISITIONS
FOR SIR SAVE-A-LOT,
IS GOING TO APPOINT A COMMITTEE
OF BUSINESS EXPERTS
TO TRY TO REVERSE WHAT HE CALLS
"A DISASTROUS PROBLEM".
WHAT'S THIS
GOT TO DO WITH JACKIE?
WHAT PROBLEM?
THE BANKRUPTING OF SMALL TOWNS
ACROSS THE COUNTRY.
AGAIN WITH THIS?
SIR SAVE-A-LOT OPENS
A HUGE STORE,
WHICH SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF
THE LOCAL MERCHANTS,
WHO GO OUT OF BUSINESS,
CAUSING AN EXODUS FROM THE TOWN,
CAUSING SIR SAVE-A-LOT
TO GO BELLY-UP.
[SNAPS FINGERS]
INSTANT GHOST TOWN.
GLENVILLE?
WHY DIDN'T YOU
TELL ME THIS BEFORE?
BECAUSE
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE ME
UNTIL YOU BELIEVED
THAT I WAS YOU.
OKAY, LET'S GIVE
THIS BRICKHOUSE A CALL.
WE CAN'T.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE HE WON'T BE
V.P. OF ACQUISITIONS
FOR ANOTHER THREE YEARS.
EXCUSE ME?
RIGHT NOW,
DONALD BRICKHOUSE WORKS
IN THE SHIPPING DEPARTMENT.
THEY PROMOTE VERY FAST
AT SIR SAVE-A-LOT.
WELL THEN,
HOW DOES HE KNOW
ABOUT STORES GOING
OUT OF BUSINESS
AND TAKING SMALL TOWNS
WITH THEM?
HE DOESN'T.
IT HASN'T HAPPENED YET,
BUT IT WILL,
IN ABOUT FIVE YEARS.
[SIGHS]
THAT'S MY SOURCE?
A GUY WHO DOESN'T EVEN
KNOW HE'S A SOURCE YET?
YOU KNOW, AS A JOURNALIST,
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT
I'M TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM.
SOMETIMES, YOU HAVE TO
WORK WITH WHAT YOU'VE GOT.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I NEED SOME TIME
TO DIGEST THIS.
THERE IS NO TIME.
THE TOWN VOTES TONIGHT.
YOU'VE GOT TO TELL JACKIE.
WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL HER?
THAT GLENVILLE'S
NOT GOING TO BE AROUND
IN FIVE YEARS?
BASED ON WHAT FACTS?
[SIGHS]
YOU KNOW, THINGS WERE JUST
STARTING TO GO REALLY WELL
FOR JACKIE AND ME.
I LIKED YOU
MUCH BETTER
WHEN YOU WERE
JUST A NUT.
THIS IS TOO HARD.
I KNOW
WHAT'S GOING ON
IN THAT HEAD OF OURS.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
I THINK THERE'S SOMEPLACE
WE HAVE TO GO.
I WAS ANGRY
AT HIM, TOO.
I'M NOT ANGRY AT HIM.
HE DIDN'T LEAVE, RICHARD.
HE DIED.
YEAH, WHAT AM I, AN IDIOT?
IT'S NOT ABOUT
INTELLIGENCE.
WHAT YOU THINK UP HERE,
AND WHAT YOU FEEL
DOWN HERE--
TWO COMPLETELY
DIFFERENT THINGS.
DOWN HERE IS ALWAYS
MORE POWERFUL.
YOU KNOW,
IF HE WAS STILL ALIVE,
THINGS WOULD BE DIFFERENT.
YOU KNOW, HE'D KICK ME
IN THE BUTT AND SAY, "DUMMY,
THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'RE DOING."
MAYBE THAT'S WHY I'M HERE.
[SCOFFS]
AND THAT WOULD MAKE YOU WHAT,
YOUR OWN FATHER FIGURE?
IT SOUNDS CORNY,
BUT THE DAY YOU STOP RUNNING
IS THE DAY YOU'LL START
MOVING FORWARD.
YOU KNOW, SOMEBODY DIED
BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I WROTE,
SOMETHING THAT...
MIGHT NOT BE ENTIRELY TRUE.
HEY, I KNOW.
RECALLING THAT DAY
MAKES ME SICK TO MY STOMACH.
AND YOU'RE ASKING ME
TO DO IT AGAIN.
IF YOU DON'T, A TOWN WILL DIE.
AND IF I DO,
I ALIENATE JACKIE FOR GOOD.
[CLOCK CHIMES]
I'VE GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
CAN'T NOW, RICHARD.
AFTER THE VOTE.
NO, BEFORE
THE VOTE, JACKIE.
IT'S TOO IMPORTANT
TO WAIT.
SORRY, IT'LL HAVE TO.
[BUZZING WITH CONVERSATION]
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHY WE'RE BOTHERING TO VOTE.
NO ONE IN TOWN'S
EVEN AGAINST IT.
THEN LET ME INTRODUCE MYSELF.
YOU DON'T COUNT, CHUCK.
YOU'RE AGAINST
EVERYTHING.
NOT TRUE.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT
BOO SANTA CLAUS
AT LAST YEAR'S CHRISTMAS PARADE?
HEY, SANTA CLAUS
IS NOT A WOMAN!
[MOOSE BELLOWS]
[MAN]: TAKE YOUR SEATS,
EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU
FOR COMING, EVERYBODY.
I DON'T NEED TO TELL YOU
HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS
FOR GLENVILLE.
NOT ONLY ARE WE VOTING
ON OUR PRESENT,
BUT, MORE IMPORTANTLY,
OUR FUTURE--
AND BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I AM GETTING SICK AND TIRED
OF MY OWN VOICE ON THE SUBJECT,
SO LET'S GET THIS DONE.
AS HAS BEEN
THE CUSTOM HERE
FOR OVER A CENTURY,
WE WILL VOTE
BY A SHOW OF HANDS,
AND I DO NOT WANT TO
CATCH ANYONE
RAISING BOTH HANDS.
UH, WHAT IF YOU HAVE
MORE THAN ONE PERSONALITY?
[LAUGHTER]
IN YOUR CASE, TUG,
DON'T BOTHER
RAISING ANY HANDS.
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY.
THOSE IN FAVOR
OF SIR SAVE-A-LOT--
UH, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
UM...
BEFORE YOU ALL VOTE,
CONSIDER THIS,
SIR SAVE-A-LOT IS
A RELATIVELY NEW CHAIN,
WITH ALMOST NO TRACK RECORD.
RICHARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
[DICK, MUFFLED]:
LET HIM SPEAK!
I MEAN, DO WE
WANT TO BE GUINEA PIGS?
NO ONE KNOWS
WHAT KIND OF EFFECT
A STORE THAT BIG WILL HAVE
ON OUR SMALL TOWN.
OUR TOWN?
YOU DON'T EVEN LIVE HERE.
BUT I WAS BORN HERE.
I GREW UP HERE.
YOU ALL KNEW MY FATHER.
HE HAD A SAYING,
"IT DOES NO GOOD
TO BURY YOUR HEAD IN THE SAND
BECAUSE YOUR BUTT IS STILL
STICKING UP IN THE AIR."
I MEAN, LOOK,
I'M NOT SAYING
THAT ALL BIG BOX CHAIN STORES
ARE A PROBLEM,
BUT SO FAR,
SIR SAVE-A-LOT IS SHOWING
SOME SIGNS OF BEING ONE.
[DICK, MUFFLED]:
MAYBE HE'S RIGHT!
YEAH, MAYBE HE'S RIGHT.
I SELL
FISHING WORMS, WILL.
IS SIR SAVE-A-LOT
GOING TO SELL WORMS?
PROBABLY NOT.
YOU CAN CORNER
THE MARKET ON WORMS.
[QUIETLY]: CAN I
TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC?
[ROOM BUZZING
WITH CONVERSATION]
JACKIE...
GLENVILLE IS
GONNA GO UNDER.
PROOF.
GIVE ME PROOF.
WHERE ARE YOUR FIGURES?
WHO ARE YOUR SOURCES?
I DON'T HAVE
ANYTHING CONCRETE YET.
WHY ARE YOU
DOING THIS, RICHARD?
LOOK, THIS IS GONNA
SOUND BIZARRE, OKAY,
SO, PLEASE,
JUST KEEP
AN OPEN MIND?
OKAY, LOOK,
SUPPOSE YOU KNEW
WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
YEARS BEFORE
IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED,
AND BY HAVING THIS KNOWLEDGE,
YOU COULD CHANGE THINGS,
I MEAN,
THINGS THAT
WOULD BE DISASTROUS.
ARE YOU WITH ME
SO FAR?
YOU JERK.
THIS IS
ALL MY FAULT.
YES, LISTEN TO THE MAN.
11 YEARS, AND YOU HAVE NOT
CHANGED ONE BIT.
ANYTHING FOR A STORY.
ANYTHING FOR THAT
CAREER OF YOURS,
NO MATTER WHO IT HURTS.
NO, I HAVE CHANGED,
JACKIE.
TELL HER.
HE'S RIGHT.
HEY!
THE NATIVES ARE
GETTING RESTLESS.
ARE WE VOTING?
NO.
I HAVE TO DO DAMAGE CONTROL.
DEL, CAN YOU REPRINT
THE FEASIBILITY STUDY
IN TOMORROW'S PAPER?
SURE.
FRONT PAGE.
OKAY, THAT SHOULD
SETTLE THINGS,
AND WE'LL VOTE MONDAY NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
AND NOTHING,
OR NO ONE,
IS GOING TO STOP THIS
FROM HAPPENING.
DON'T LET HIM
DRAG YOU INTO THIS.
"HE'S RIGHT"?
THAT'S THE BEST
YOU HAD?
[♪♪]
HOW YOU DOING?
AS LONG AS YOU KEEP
BRINGING ME THESE,
I'M A HAPPY FOOL.
WHAT DID YOU SAY?
WHEN?
DICKIE'S HAD
A BIT TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
WHICH IS WHY I HOPE I CAN
GET AWAY WITH SAYING THIS
WITHOUT YOU TAKING
A SWING AT ME.
MAYBE RICHARD HAS A POINT.
MAYBE YOU OUGHT TO DELAY
SIR SAVE-A-LOT
UNTIL ALL
THE FACTS ARE IN.
DICK, I LIKE YOU.
LEAVE IT ALONE.
I LIKE YOU, TOO.
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
THANKS.
BUT THEN, YOU ALWAYS WERE.
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
I ONCE HAD A GIRL
JUST LIKE YOU.
WHAT HAPPENED?
I RAN AWAY LIKE A COWARD.
SO YOU WERE NEVER MARRIED?
NO.
I NEVER MET
ANYONE LIKE HER AGAIN.
BIGGEST REGRET OF MY LIFE.
WHERE IS SHE NOW?
THAT'S A LITTLE
HARD TO EXPLAIN.
YOU SHOULD GO SEE HER.
IT'S NEVER TOO LATE, YOU KNOW,
AT LEAST FOR SOME PEOPLE.
[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
[SIRENS WAILING]
[MONITOR BEEPING]
JACKIE, WAIT.
THEY'RE RUNNING
SOME TESTS.
LISTEN, I'M SORRY.
YEAH, I'M HERE FOR DICK.
HE WAS AT THE RESTAURANT
LAST NIGHT...
AND HE HAD A LITTLE BIT
TOO MUCH TO DRINK.
I DROVE HIM HOME.
SUCH A SAD,
LONELY MAN.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HE TOLD ME
ABOUT THIS GIRL,
THE ONLY GIRL HE EVER LOVED.
HE TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT?
MM-HMM,
AND WHAT'S SAD IS,
HE NEVER MARRIED HER,
AND HE'S REGRETTED IT
EVER SINCE.
HE NEVER MARRIED HER?
NO.
HE'S BEEN ALONE HIS ENTIRE LIFE.
SO HE'S NEVER BEEN MARRIED?
THAT'S WHAT HE SAID.
[SIGHS]
I'M SORRY.
EXCUSE ME,
ARE YOU A FRIEND
OF DICK WOODSTEIN'S?
YEAH, WE'RE, UH,
WE'RE JOINED AT THE HIP.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY
MEDICAL RECORDS ON HIM.
DO YOU KNOW IF HE'S TAKING
ANY HEART MEDICATION?
I DON'T THINK
HE HAS A HEART.
DO YOU MIND
LOOKING IN HIS ROOM
AT THE GLENVILLE LODGE?
NO, NOT AT ALL.
[♪♪]
[MONITORS BEEP STEADILY]
[MUMBLES SOFTLY]
[GROANS]
HOW YOU FEELIN'?
FINE, UNTIL I SAW THE MONITOR.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
THEY DON'T KNOW YET.
WHY DIDN'T YOU SHOW THIS TO ME?
'CAUSE YOU WOULD'VE TOLD HER.
YOU NEVER MARRIED JACKIE.
WHY DID YOU TELL ME
I WOULD MARRY HER?
TO KEEP YOU HERE SO YOU WOULD.
WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE,
AND I CAME BACK
TO GLENVILLE,
I DIDN'T STAY.
I LEFT
THE DAY JACKIE
GOT ENGAGED TO JEFF.
I COULDN'T HANDLE IT...
AND I NEVER SAW HER AGAIN,
UNTIL NOW.
I'VE LED
A PRETTY UNHAPPY AND...
UNDISTINGUISHED LIFE
SINCE I WAS YOUR AGE,
AND THE WORST
PART OF IT IS,
I'VE GONE
THROUGH IT ALONE.
SO WHEN, BY SOME MIRACLE,
I FOUND MYSELF BACK HERE,
I KNEW I HAD A CHANCE
TO CHANGE THINGS FOR JACKIE...
AND YOU.
SO, WHAT ABOUT THIS?
ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I LEFT, YOU STAYED,
EVERYTHING'S DIFFERENT NOW.
I'M IN UNCHARTED TERRITORY
AND SO ARE YOU.
HONESTLY,
I DON'T EVEN CARE
ANYMORE WHETHER I MAKE IT.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
YOU KNOW WHAT, I DO!
YOU KNOW, I DON'T
WANT TO CHECK OUT
WHEN I'M
55 YEARS OLD, OKAY?
YOU KNOW,
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW
WHEN I CHECK OUT.
THAT'S TOO CREEPY.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HI.
GOOD NEWS.
THE TESTS SHOW
NO HEART ATTACK.
WE THINK YOU HAD
A VASO-VAGAL RESPONSE,
PROBABLY CAUSED
BY STRESS,
SO JUST GET SOME REST,
AND WE'LL HAVE YOU
OUT OF HERE BY TONIGHT.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THANK YOU.
[SIGHS WITH RELIEF]
CHEER UP, MAN,
WE'RE GONNA LIVE.
BIG DEAL. JACKIE WON'T.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING?
I'M GOING TO SHOW HER
THIS OBITUARY.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
WHY NOT?
LIKE YOU SAID, IT'S CREEPY
TO KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GONNA DIE.
LEAVE IT ALONE--
NO, I'M NOT JUST
GOING TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
OKAY?
EVEN IF WE CAN'T HAVE HER,
I'M GONNA DO MY BEST
TO TRY AND MAKE SURE
THAT SHE AND GLENVILLE HAVE
A LONG AND HAPPY LIFE.
WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO,
SAY, "HI, JACKIE,
I'VE GOT AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE
FROM THE FUTURE"?
SHE THINKS YOU'RE CRAZY
AS IT IS.
WELL THEN,
I'VE GOT NOTHING TO LOSE.
RIGHT?
HEY, COME ON!
YOU KNOW WHAT,
YOU ARE SO FULL OF CRAP!
YOU CAME HERE
TO CHANGE ME?
YEAH, THAT'S A JOKE.
YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED,
LOOK AT YOU.
YOU'RE 55 YEARS OLD
AND YOU'RE
STILL A QUITTER.
[SIGHS WEARILY]
THESE ARE FOR
DICK WOODSTEIN.
THESE ARE FROM DEL
AND THE GUYS AT THE EAGLE.
[CHUCKLES]
THIS IS FROM RICKY.
THE GUYS FROM THE BARBER SHOP.
YOU KNOW...
AND THESE ARE THE FOLKS
YOU WANT TO QUIT ON?
[SIGHS] OKAY.
WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO NOW?
WE DO WHAT WE DO BEST.
[♪♪]
[DEL]: WHAT?
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING?
THIS IS GOOD.
IT'LL NEVER SEE
THE LIGHT OF DAY.
OH, BOO-HOO.
YOU KNOW, YOU WHINERS DON'T KNOW
HOW LUCKY YOU ARE.
YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO
WRITE WHAT YOU WANT,
ON ANY ISSUE,
GET IT PUBLISHED
BY A REAL NEWSPAPER
AND READ BY A BIG,
INTELLIGENT AUDIENCE,
WHO CAN ACTUALLY
APPRECIATE IT,
NOT SOME HIGH SCHOOL CRO-MAGNONS
WHOSE MAIN INTEREST IN LIFE
IS WHAT LADY GAGA'S
GONNA WEAR
IN HER NEXT VIDEO.
IT'S SUNDAY, ISN'T IT?
ALL DAY.
[BEEPING DOOR CODE]
YOU KNOW THE CODE?
IT'S SO PREDICTABLE.
IT'S THE PRINCIPAL'S
DATE OF BIRTH.
WOW, THIS PLACE LOOKS
EXACTLY THE SAME!
WAIT, Y-YOU WENT
TO SCHOOL HERE, TOO?
YEAH, RIGHT AROUND
THE CORNER,
I CARVED
MY INITIALS--
GUYS!
WE'VE GOT WORK TO DO.
[QUIETLY]:
ARE YOU CRAZY?
OKAY.
LET'S GO SELL SOME PAPERS.
UH, THE OAK
IS FREE, ACTUALLY.
I-I KNOW.
IT'S A FIGURE
OF SPEECH.
RIGHT.
[DICK READS]:
"ONCE UPON A TIME,
"THERE WAS A SMALL TOWN,
"A TOWN SO BEAUTIFUL,
"IT WAS AS IF YOU WERE LOOKING
AT A PICTURE POSTCARD.
"IN THIS TOWN
LIVED A SMALL BOY.
"GROWING UP,
"EVERYTHING THE LITTLE BOY DID
WAS CONNECTED TO THE TOWN
"AND THE PEOPLE WHO LIVED THERE.
"HE FELT WARM AND SAFE.
"HE EXPECTED
IT WOULD BE THAT WAY
"FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE,
"BUT SOMETHING HAPPENED
THAT CHANGED EVERYTHING.
"FOR THE FIRST TIME,
"THE BOY FELT LOST, ABANDONED,
"OUT OF PLACE,
"SO WHEN HE CAME OF AGE,
"HE PACKED UP,
"MADE PROMISES
TO THE GIRL HE LOVED
"THAT WOULD BE
IMPOSSIBLE TO KEEP,
"AND LEFT THE TOWN
"AND THE PEOPLE
"THAT WERE SUCH AN IMPORTANT
PART OF HIS LIFE,
"MAYBE TO FILL THE VOID,
"MAYBE TO CREATE
HIS OWN DESTINY,
"MAYBE TO TRY AND FORGET.
"HE REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHY.
"WHAT HE FOUND
"WERE OTHER TOWNS,
MAIN STREETS,
"OTHER CITIES,
"THE NEXT ONE
LOOKING LIKE THE LAST ONE,
"AND THE PEOPLE
WERE NOT LIKE THEY WERE
"IN HIS HOMETOWN.
"ALWAYS IN A HURRY,
BUT SEEMINGLY GOING NOWHERE.
"CROWDED TOGETHER,
BUT LOOKING LONELY.
"SOON, HE DISCOVERED
"THAT HE HAD BECOME
ONE OF THEM,
"AND WHATEVER
HE WAS LOOKING FOR,
"HE WOULD NOT FIND
"UNTIL HE CAME BACK
TO THE VERY PLACE
"HE RAN AWAY FROM,
"AND THE PEOPLE
THAT HELPED FORM HIM
"AS A HUMAN BEING.
"HE WAS SURPRISED AND COMFORTED
"TO FIND THAT HIS TOWN
WAS EXACTLY AS IT WAS
WHEN HE LEFT."
[RICHARD CONTINUES READING]:
"WHEN YOU LEAVE
"FOR A LONG TIME,
"YOU FORGET
WHAT HOME MEANS TO YOU,
"WHAT YOU'VE BEEN MISSING,
"UNTIL YOU COME BACK,
"AND WHAT I SEE IS A TOWN
"THAT, FOR OVER 100 YEARS,
"CREATED ITS OWN DESTINY
"WITHOUT COMPROMISING
ITS PERSONALITY OR CHARACTER.
"SO MY QUESTION
"TO THE PEOPLE
OF GLENVILLE IS,
'WHY MUST SIR SAVE-A-LOT
BECOME A PART OF THAT DESTINY?'"
"YES, CHANGE CAN BE POSITIVE,
"BUT IT CAN ALSO UPSET
THE DELICATE BALANCE
"OF AN ENTIRE WAY OF LIFE.
"AND TURN SOMETHING
THAT YOU HAVE LOVED
"INTO SOMETHING
INDISTINGUISHABLE,
"OR WORSE.
"SHOULDN'T WE
PRESERVE OUR HISTORY
"INSTEAD OF RISKING
ITS EXTINCTION?
"I LOVE THIS TOWN,
"ALMOST IN THE SAME WAY
"I LOVE THE WOMAN I LEFT
11 YEARS AGO.
"SOMETIMES, WHEN YOU'RE SCARED,
YOU RUN,
"BUT I'M NOT SCARED ANYMORE,
"AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR ME
"TO START PRESERVING
SOME OF MY HISTORY,
"WITH THE ONLY TOWN
"AND THE ONLY GIRL
I'VE EVER LOVED,
"IF THEY'LL STILL HAVE ME.
"I URGE YOU NOT TO CHANGE
THE FACE OF OUR TOWN.
LET'S BE THE EXCEPTION
TO THE RULE."
[KNOCKS HESITANTLY]
HEY, DICK?
[EXHALES NERVOUSLY]
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN, HONEY?
JACKIE?
IS THAT YOU?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
YEAH.
I JUST...
I WENT FOR A WALK.
RICHARD, EVERYBODY'S WAITING
FOR US AT THE RESTAURANT.
YOU CALLED ME
RICHARD.
OF COURSE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE OKAY?
[CHUCKLES]
MY FAVORITE SCAR.
I PUT MY LOVE BRAND
ON YOU FOR LIFE
WITH A FROZEN CHICKEN.
YOU REMEMBER?
WOW.
YOU SHOULD
GO FOR WALKS MORE OFTEN.
WE'LL FINISH THIS
LATER, BIG BOY.
WE'VE GOTTA GO, WE'RE LATE.
WHERE ARE WE GOING?
YOU'RE FUNNY.
UH, GIVE ME A MINUTE, OKAY?
[♪♪]
[HUMMING WITH CONVERSATION]
HEY, MOM, DAD.
PAULIE! PAULIE...
HEY, PAULIE,
SAY HEY TO GRANDPA.
HE'S GOT MICHAEL'S EYES
AND YOUR HAIRLINE.
[CHUCKLES]
RICKY, I'M SO GLAD
YOU COULD MAKE IT.
RICKY.
ARE YOU KIDDING,
MAYOR?
I WOULDN'T MISS THIS
FOR THE WORLD.
SHE'S STILL THE MAYOR?
MISS WHAT?
[LAUGHS]
AND YOU'RE STILL
A WISE GUY, HUH, RICHARD?
JUST DON'T ASK ME TO
PULL DOWN MY PANTS AGAIN.
HEY, RICKY, I READ YOUR STORY
IN TODAY'S TIMES.
BRILLIANT AS USUAL.
BLAME IT ON
MY MENTOR OVER HERE.
DRINKS.
MISS WHAT?
MOOSE.
HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.
MEATLOAF?
OF COURSE.
ARE YOU SURE
YOU'RE OKAY?
YEAH.
I'M JUST...
A HAPPY FOOL.
[CHUCKLES]
JACKIE...
DO YOU REMEMBER A GUY
ABOUT, UH,
25 YEARS AGO
NAMED DICK?
YEAH, VAGUELY.
I DON'T REMEMBER
HIS FACE,
BUT HE...
HE WAS A SWEET OLD GUY
AND HE LIKED MEATLOAF.
AND THEN ONE DAY
HE JUST DISAPPEARED.
WHY?
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
25 YEARS.
WHAT'S THE SECRET?
EVERY DAY
IS LIKE DAY ONE.
[GLASSES CLINK]
[♪♪]