TiMER (2009) - full transcript

Am I late?

Hi. No!

Yes, 5 minutes, but who's counting.

- We are, right?
- Right.

- Well...
- So... Okay.

- You ready?
- Uh...

Yeah, about this...

Brian. You like me, right?

Yes. Definitely.

And I think you're
pretty neat, too,

but what's the point in
continuing, without a guarantee?



Yeah.

Of course.

Are... you ready?

Please.

- Alright.
- I'm good.

Okay.

Oona! Hey girl.
Is this another potential?

Yes. Hi, matchmaker Patty.
This is Brian.

Welcome, Brian.
Ready to take the plunge?

Uh, Abso... absolutely.

Okay, come on back.
I'll get you started.

So, exactly how many guys
have you brought here?

I've been on the
rocking horse a few times.

How many times?



Please.

- Okay. I just...
- Lay it on down.

All-righty, Brian.

So we'll need some photo ID
and a credit card.

Okay, sure.

- Sorry.
- OK. Good.

So how long have the
two of you been dating?

About a month.

Brian Thompson.
Male, thirty-three?!

Wow, how'd you get
this far without a Timer?

- I'm from Oklahoma.
- Mm-hmm. Say no more.

Caucasian. Hetero.
Hope that sticks!

And, uh, personality module
was completed online.

Perfect. So, we're having
a special this week.

Which is $79.99,

That's for installation
and the device

plus monthly charges of $1.99.

Okay? Let's have the recipient
sign the Terms of Use.

Okay, so, what does
this say, exactly?

Oh, just that, um...

You won't ask for a refund
if you think your wait

for true love is too long or
too short. Or, you know, like,

if you don't like
your soul mate.

Are you-- Ar--
Aren't I guaranteed

to like my One?
I mean, isn't that the point?

No. Not necessarily.
Not at first.

Here's our pamphlet
to the Path to True Love.

Now, of course, we have
love at first sight.

But we also have friendship
blossoming into love.

Or enemies becoming lovers.
Opposites attract, etc, etc.

See, the Timer tells you the very moment
that your soul mate enters your life.

The rest will evolve naturally.

So you and I have a head start.
Right?

Right. Okay.

Awesome. Awesome!

OK, Brian.
Which is your dominant hand?

Left.

So we're gonna--?
We're gonna do this now?

That looks like it hurts.
Does it hurt?

It's like getting
your ears pierced.

My ears aren't pierced...

Well then, yes, it will hurt,
but briefly.

Okay, so, after implantation

if the two of you are meant to be

then both of your Timers
at the very same time go:

And happily ever after. All set?

Yeah, sure, le--
Yes.

Oh, Oona. Come on.

You wanna zero-out with your man,
you gotta make some eye contact.

The best part of my day.
Drum roll, please!

Jesus!

916 days.

Alright.

Oona, I'm sorry.

It's so fine.

Really. I...
I'm... really happy for you.

You see, this is why
I didn't want to come here.

- No, I know.
- I was afraid something like this--

I know, and it's--
It's-- It's fine.

It's fine.

916 days, that's like...

Two and a half years.

Two and a half years. Heh.

I'll have finished my
doctorate by then, and...

Have Tenure.
Fingers crossed. It's--

Perfect timing, actually.

Gosh, it's crazy, you know, to
think that she's out there, she's--

Walking around,
she's living her life.

And the blank Timer she's
probably had for years

has finally started
counting down.

You know...

Two years is a long time.
Maybe we could still...

Right.

Probably a doomed
relationship, right?

Moot.

Doomed. I said doomed.

Thanks, I said moot.

That's making a better point.

Sorry. It's fine, I--

Really, I-- Congratulations!

That's so super.
I have to get back to work.

- Okay, you know, I--
- So then, we--

- This was really great.
- Um. Yeah.

You're nice.

Thank you. No.

Take care.

It's all right here for you, and I am so sure
he's gonna be everything that you dreamed of.

See you next time, Oona!

She's one of our recurring customers.

Okay, sir. Have a great day,
and keep on ticking!

If a clock could count down
to the exact moment

you meet your soul mate

would you want to know?

That's the claim of manufacturers
of a new device called

The Timer.

The next evolutionary step
in computer matchmaking

The Timer lets you know
when your perfect match--

We've discovered that all humans
are on a path to true love.

Implanted just after the onset of
puberty and powered by body heat,

The Timer monitors levels of
oxytocin, the hormone of love.

It zeroes out at midnight,
the night before,

and in the next day it
could go off at any second

and you meet your soul mate.

Are you tired of sitting
around, waiting for love?

Your days of watching
and wondering are over.

Say goodbye to heartache
and disappointments.

Now you can be on the clock.

True love, on a schedule.

Introducing Timer

a revolutionary device that tells
you not only who your soul mate is

but when you'll meet them.

Timer.
Take the guesswork out of love.

Have a cookie, Monica.

I can't, my Timer's about to go off.

- When?
- Three years.

A computer chip in your arm?

No, sir.

I don't know.

- Would you?
- Would you?

Yeah, no. I got one.

It was blank at first,
which kinda made me nervous.

But then I guess she got one too.
Wherever she is.

Jane likes dogs. So does John.

Your massive database, hard at work.

Listen, common interests are
just the tip of the iceberg, here.

We are the business of true love.

Shared values, emotional needs,
physical attraction.

By the year 2005, it is estimated
that over half of Americans

ages 14 or older
will have Timers.

A recent independent study
revealed a 98% satisfaction rating

among newly zeroed-out couples.

It's like a fairy tale.

I saw him first from across the room.

And then he ​​looked at me
and I knew instantly.

Everybody turned to look,
and then people were clapping.

On the 15th anniversary
of the invention of the Timer

we're talking to zeroed-out couples.

Eric and Tammi zeroed-out
over 5 years ago.

I was totally skeptical, I didn't--

I just wasn't gonna believe that
a stop watch was gonna tell me

who to love, you know,
but it's not like that.

What would you say to people who
still don't believe it works?

It doesn't tell you who to love,

It just kinda confirms
what you already know.

What you already feel
in your heart, but

when you're ready for it...

It just works out.

It's nice.

What?

Why are you whispering?

I'm not.

Where are you?

Church.

Brian isn't my One.

I'm shocked!

Call me back when you've
found your underwear.

You got it.

How'd it go?

Brian isn't my One.

Hey, Priscilla.

(muffled) Hello.

You wanna get these braces
taken off today?

(muffled) Really?

Uh... She's got another month,
Dr. O'Leary.

She's just here for a loose wire.

Yeah, but a month is negligible.

Especially when school's
back in session next week.

My little brother is
starting his freshman year.

He's so cute, I could just
punch him in the face.

These braces are coming off
today, pretty girl.

(muffled) Yeah!

You ever hear the one about the
single gal in the supermarket?

It's an oldie, but a goodie.

Fuck it, I'll tell ya.

She brings all her stuff
up to the register

four-pack of toilet paper, microwaveable
dinners, that sort of thing.

The check-out guy looks at
all of her stuff and he asks:

"Hey, are you single?"

She kinda giggles, and she's like

"Why, can you tell by all the stuff
I'm buying, like all the single-serve items?"

He's like "No, 'cause you're fuckin' ugly."

I thought that would have
gone over a lot better.

Really?

Yeah. I kinda thought you
would've got the irony.

- Missed it.
- Well, I mean...

with you being so pretty, and all.

Good one.

I'm 100% sincere on that.

Your total is $30.29.

Sorry.

One more time.

Let me see. Thank you.

I see your Timer's blank.

- And?
- Nothing.

You're sweating your future,
though, right?

That's a shame. 'Cause you could have a
much more exciting present if you really wanted.

I'll keep that in mind.

Mikey.

Of course.

So long.

- Bye-bye.
- Take care.

In the jungles of Bangladesh,

Sunni fighters,
called Mwali,

wear facemasks on
the back of their heads

to deter hungry Bengal tigers
from attacking them from behind

You were supposed to be here
a half an hour ago!

Take a pill.

Jesse's got his entire life to wait.

Our punctuality isn't gonna
speed up the process.

You know...

A positive attitude might help.

That worked like gangbusters
for you this morning, huh?

It's a process of elimination,

and I'm one step closer, is all.

Here. It's perfect.

Oh, absolutely not, no. Here.

Oh. Did he have a Timer?

Of course he had a Timer.

Timerless guys are so
angsty and conflicted.

Boys with built-in expiration dates,
now they wanna sow their oats.

Multiple tantric oats.

They're just using you.

I'm using them. Win-win.

I don't--

You have scientific proof that these

idiots are a waste of your time,
and yet, you go after them anyway.

It cannot be as satisfying as you say.

Yeah, you know, blazing hot
anonymous sex is super-tedious.

You know what? I think
we should get a cat.

Oona.

Scale of 1-10: How sad
are you about Brian?

6.

6.5. You know what, though...

It's fine. It's not
even about Brian.

I just wanna know. You know?

Even if it says I'm not
gonna meet him until I'm...

What? 43?

Hi, Mom. I'm sorry. You know what,
we're on our way. I swear.

Hi-hi! Sorry we're late. We're here!

Oona's fault!

Hi.

Hola.

Are we in the right house?

You're here!

Hi-hi!

Hi Mom.

Hi, Steph.

Girls, this is our
new housekeeper, Luz.

Luz, this is my daughter, Oona,
and Paul's daughter, Steph.

Mucho gusto.

Good night, Luz.

Thank you for your work today.

Buenas noches.

Not a lick of English.

This is exciting!
Isn't this exciting?

So where's Brian?

He's not my One.

Oh, sugar. Oh, I'm sorry.

Why did you have to take him
today, of all days?

Because you said it would
be double the celebration.

Brian was never right for you
anyway. We all knew that.

Tell it, Marion. Amen!

Steph, baby. Don't make me
come after you and your life.

Sorry.

Oona. You're being very stoic
and we all appreciate it.

Now on to the next
potential One, right?

Now, Matchmaker Ron has
been here for over an hour!

- Jesse!
- Yeah?

Good. Okay, everybody this way!

Hi. Are you so excited?

- Oona, don't be a douche.
- What? I'm happy for him.

Jesse Aaron Depaul, I certify that
you are of Timer-eligible age.

This being the first month of
your ninth grade school year.

Are you ready, baby?

Piece of cake, Jess.

Even if you won't have any
of your original teeth

by the time you meet her.

Or him!

I'm not gay, Mom.
Can we get this over with?

Jess.

I will give you new teeth,
if you need them.

But just so you know, whatever happens,

You're gonna have someone out there
who loves you as much as we do.

Take a deep breath, hun.

Three days?

That's bullshit!

Excuse me.

Three days, Paul.

That is an unusually fast
countdown, but...

- It's better to know earlier.
- Than later?

Dick.

We're gonna have grandchildren,
after all!

Hey! My eggs, they can hear you!

Freshman year, that's my boy!

Oona.

You know what, I'm gonna go.

Oona, this must feel unfair.

Sorry about Brian.

Thank you, Paul.
It's okay, Mom, really.

No! Don't even think
about it, you stay.

I'm just gonna go to bed anyway.
It's fine.

Congratulations.

Bye bye.

What time do you get off?

What?

Do you want me to repeat it?

Yes, into the loudspeaker,
if you don't mind.

Believe me when I tell you,
this is your one shot,

so make it count.

Now, now, I get off now...

Nelson!
Hey dude, cover for me.

Not cool, bro.

So, what do you do?

Orthodontist.

Far out, like a dentist?

Yeah.

Only an orthodontist.

Cool.

So what's your name?

Uh... So, I have roommates.

How many?

Four. But they should be out.

Guys, where are your manners?

Everybody, this is Oona.

Oona, this is TJ, Zuckerman,

the skinny guy in the chair
is Greggy, and that's Wretch.

Uma, like Uma Thurman?

Sure.
Wretch, is it?

We'll be in the bedroom, it's
just around the corner there.

Lead the way.

Who is that?

I don't wanna know how old you are.

Okay?

OK.

How old are you?

I turn 30 this January.

Maybe this was a bad idea.

No! No, no, no. This is a great idea.
It's up there with, um...

Gravity, or cold fusion...

what-have-you, it's just...

It's a really, really good idea.

Four months to go, hm.

Yeah, well, you know...

Four... long months.

You enjoy that time.

What?

Yeah, I'll just-- I gotta...

- No, no. Stay.
- No, I really...

- I can't stay.
- No, no, can't-- Let's go back...

The kissing...

Hey.

Hey.

Who are you?

I'm him.

You know what they say
about a watched pot.

Attention residents. The raffle
will begin in 5 minutes.

- I'm fine.
- Did I ask?

Margaret? Is that you, Margaret?

Sure isn't, Sadie.

Oh, my mistake.

So? How are you?

I'm fine.

Mom even found me a date
for tomorrow night.

Somebody's grandson.

The woman is unstoppable.

Margaret!
Answer your mother, Margaret.

Yeah. Not your daughter, Sadie.
'Kay?

- Pardon me.
- Okay.

Did I totally ruin Jesse's night?

No! Matchmaker Ron
handled that all on his own.

You know, Romeo and Juliet were
14 when they found each other.

If only life were more
like theater camp.

Margaret. Is that you, Margaret?

Hang on.

You bet, Mom.

Great news:

I'm gay.

- You're...
- Gay!

Gay as the day is long.

Dykey-dyke, dyke.
Plus, my girlfriend...

She's black.

That's not funny.

I gotta go.

- It was a little funny.
- Miss DePaul.

It might feel like you have
all the time in the world

but it'll be you in here,
faster than you realize.

Come with me, dear.

Come on, your room is over here.

In the service, we had a name
for men like that.

- Pricks?
- Cocksuckers.

Better. How they hangin' Dutch?

Down to my knees, angel.
You keep your head up...

Good afternoon, Mr. Evers.

Hm, a new patient.

That's fun.

So how'd you hear about us?

There's not a whole lot of
orthodontists with your first name.

You can thank my father for that one.
Cindy, can you can give us a minute?

Bye, Cindy.

So I think I might need braces,

but I'm no expert, so what do you think?

This-- Look, I...

Come on, how cute
do I look in this bib?

You can't do this, OK?
This is my place of business...

Okay, look, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to freak you out,
I just...

I think you're really cool
and I think...

We should hang out.

Mikey, I...

I'm just a check-out guy.

- No! That's not it.
- Okay, good.

I'm a musician. And I'm
very passionate about my work.

Your real issue is my Timer?

Yeah, it is.

Girls like you think I'm cheating
on someone I haven't met yet, right?

No, I just think that if
you have a countdown,

if you're lucky enough
to know your path to...

True love. You can say it,
I'm not gonna laugh.

Yes, to true love.
Then you should honor that.

See, that's what's stupid
about the Timer--

it says you have one path,
and you can't take detours.

I mean, life is about detours.

You know what? You sound like
a credit card commercial.

I'm looking for my One,
and you're not him.

I get it.

So will this thing buzz, or light up?

Both, I think.

So, Guy, why have you never
gotten a Timer?

Romance has never really
been a priority for me.

Is this thing working?

Was it as magical as you hoped?

You know, it doesn't all have
to be chemistry from the jump.

Feelings can grow over time.

Yeah, sparks are fleeting,

nothing to talk about
can last a lifetime.

Thanks.

Have at it. I'll be right back.

Hey, we're Truckbeef.
Thanks for coming out.

This is our last song.
It's called:

"Mom, can I call you back?
I have to dispose of the body."

- Shut the door.
- Huh?

- Shut the door.
- Oh, yeah.

Don't worry, the guys'll be at
the bar for a few more hours.

Taking turns with our groupies.

I think it's really cute that
you all live together.

I remember when I was a little girl
and the Bangles broke up...

I imagined them rolling up their

Care Bear sleeping bags, and...

packing up their makeup kits...

My God!

Dragging them out of this really big loft

they undoubtedly shared together.

Who were the Bangles?

No, no! Silk.

I'll do it.

Oh God, okay.

Okay.

Hey, Mikey!

- Oh yes, Mikey, come on!
- Gotta go to the bathroom!

Goddammit!

Can't a brother catch a break?

Okay, hold on...

Have some cereal,
I'll be right back.

You were awful tonight.

So bad.

Shut the fuck up!

Okay. Guys, seriously.

This girl...

is so far out of my league
I have no idea how the fuck

I got her back here.

Pussy.

If I'm a pussy, I'm about to
have the best lesbian sex

of my entire life!

So I'm asking you all to
not fuck this up for me.

Hi.

Hi.

Samuel? Is that you, Samuel?

Uh... No.

Samuel, the kids don't
come by anymore.

And Margaret's impossible!

I think you have me confused
with someone else.

I miss you.

I have trouble sleeping without you.

Uh... Me, too.

Sadie, I'm pretty sure that
that's not Margaret either.

Sorry if the natives are bothering you.

What can I do you for?

Um... I'm here to see Dutch Solomon.

Oh, he's probably napping.

So. Where are you from, originally?

Rhode Island.

I work at the university.

I love how you say that, like
there's only one in town.

Hey. You lay off my grandson.

What, you cock-blocking me,
old man?

He's here to humor his elder,

not flirt with the help.

He can make up his own mind.

- What's your name, soldier?
- Uh, Dan.

Dan the Man. I'm Steph.

Hey, Steph.

Ooh. No Timer. Yawn.

I told you I was
looking out for you, angel.

I know your type.

Come on, Daniel. This Scrabble
game won't play itself.

- Nice meeting you.
- Likewise.

Oh, you're up.

You're an ass.

Now you can tell me where
you went last night?

Oh, my god!

Tell me what you did or
I'm gonna pee on your bed!

I met this guy...

Timer?

Mm-hm.

How long?

Four months, and some change.

Hot!

The closer they get to D-Day

the more inclined they are to
throw you around a little bit.

It was so hot. It was just so...

unbelievably hot!

He kisses like, um...

Uh, I don't even know.
And he has really big hands!

I'm so proud of you.

Seriously, Oona.
You've finally got laid proper.

See? One night stands.
That's what it's all about.

Yeah, though, I don't really know if I'd
classify it as a "one night stand" though.

Uh, well, you're not gonna
see him again, right?

Oona?

Even if your mismatched Timers
weren't a recipe for disaster,

he's not gonna want a repeat
of last night, they never do.

But! It was fun, right?

Yeah, no, it was so fun.

Fun.
You want animal pancakes?

Uh, when do I not
want animal pancakes?

- Ten.
- Ten.

- Nine.
- Nine.

- Eight.
- Eight.

- Seven.
- Seven.

- Six.
- Six. Come on, Jess.

- Five.
- Five.

- Four.
- Four.

- Three.
- Three.

- Two.
- Two.

- One.
- One.

Midnight!

The next time it makes that noise
is when you make eye contact

with your One.

But it'll be much louder.

Scared the shit out of me.
Be ready.

- Can I go to bed now?
- Honey...

How can you sleep?

This is better than Christmas!

Sometime in the next 24 hours

You are gonna meet the girl that
you will spend the rest of your life with!

Yeah.

With his large hands the color
of Madeleine's afternoon tea

Mowgli encircled her tiny waist.

Her inhibitions melted.

"Oh Mowgli, missionary work is
so much harder than I imagined."

She quickly discovered it
wasn't all that was hard...

Oops! Naughty bits.

Oona? How did it go with Guy?

It's okay.

I don't really think
there's much there.

Well, you can't be sure
until he gets his Timer.

No stone unturned, sweetheart.

Okay, Mom.

Girls, you don't realize
how lucky you are.

Your generation has been spared
the emotional carnage of divorce.

The soul-crushing pain of

unreciprocated infatuation.

The humiliation. Not to mention
possible venereal fallout

of reckless promiscuity.

It used to be so awful.

What a mess.

We are so lucky that

since your Mom died, Steph,
and my disastrous marriage.

Paul and I found each other.

How perfect is our family?

- Perfect.
- Perfecto.

And don't you two feel like
you were meant to be sisters?

- Yes
- Yes

And it's all thanks to the Timer.

Jesse!

Jesse! Is that her?

- I gotta go.
- Bye.

Excellent, Marion,

now spit on your hand and go
wipe something off his face.

That's not her.

So?

Did it happen?

No.

What's wrong with an impromptu
pizza night with Sheila's girls?

Yeah. Some snacks, an arranged marriage.

I'm just saying it's not up
to you to orchestrate this.

Luz. Are you leaving?

Si, Mrs. Marion, ya me voy.

Hola, Eduardo.

Oh, is that your daughter?

Si, es mi hija.

Soledad! Por favor.

Saludale.

Hello Mrs. DePaul. I'm Soledad.
It's nice to meet you.

She's lovely, Luz.

This is my daughter, Oona, and
my stepdaughter, Steph.

And this is Jesse.

Well!

Eduardo!

This is terrific!

Isn't this terrific, Jesse?

Here she is!

Hi.

Que paso?

Sono la cosa.

- Con el?
- Ya el sound Timer.

- Esta luz segura que...
- Y la luz parpadea.

Mom, why don't you invite
Luz and her family inside?

Yes! Yes, yes.

Dice that tenemos una sanilla in the Mostar.

I'm sorry, Ms. DePaul,
we're late for dinner.

Well, you have dinner here!

No, it's a dinner held in my honor.

All the boys in the neighborhood.

That's a moot point now,
wouldn't you say?

I'm sorry, we have to go.
Thank you.

Well, that was a little rude.

In-laws.

They're shocked.

Just like we are.
You can't blame them.

Sweetie.
She seems really nice.

And tall.

Marion.

Give him a minute.

He can't process this, Mom, you know.

He doesn't even have chest hair, and he just
met the girl he's supposed to grow old with.

He has no idea of ​​what love is.

Do either of you?

Exactly.

Every once in a while,

I'm the person most qualified
for the job.

God, I love it when she's
fierce like that.

Seriously, do you think it's
weird that we've never

been in love?

No.

It only happens once, so we're due.

Yes. But, do you think that
they thought like that...

That it only happens once.
Before the timer?

I'm just saying, like the expression

"first love" does imply
there's seconds and thirds.

You're so asking the wrong girl.

No help to me.

- Good night, Cindy.
- Good night.

Hey.

Motherfucker!

You just hit me in the face!

Why'd you-- What are you doing here?

I wanted to see you again.

Why?

You make a strong case.

Stay here.

- She's not here.
- Uh, who?

My sister Steph. We live together.

Oh, you guys don't get along?

Oh no, we do. She's my best friend.

Is this her?

Uh-huh.

Oh, are you guys twins?

No. No, she's my stepsister

we just happen to share
the same birthday.

Every year, my Mom
throws us a surprise party.

Wait, how is it a surprise
if she does it every year?

Oh, we all pretend.

Nice.

Oh. Okay. So how, um...

How many more times
are we gonna do this?

As many more times as you let me.

Okay, um. See, I--

I'm not like you. I've slept with
a total of four men in my life

and each time, I've had to face the

very real possibility of losing them.

And with you, it's actually
not a possibility.

It's an absolute certainty.

So I guess you can relax, then.

Wait, um. So you're saying that
I'm, uh... I'm lucky number 5?

So we're good now?

Yeah...

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

Yeah?

- Yeah!
- Yeah?

Shut up.

- Okay.
- Okay.

My Mom got hers when she was
still married to my Dad.

It was her proof that they
should get a divorce.

Do you still talk to him?

Not since I was a kid.

He's a music producer and kind of...

We just don't have a lot in common.

Wait. Hold the phone.

Your Dad is Rick O'Leary?

Yeah.

Are you okay?

Is this a joke? He's a legend!

So they tell me.

I've had sex with
Rick O'Leary's daughter.

I'm so much cooler than I thought.

That's like the only
cool thing about you.

Oh, snap!

Are your parents still together?

Yeah. They met the old-fashioned way.

They had four strapping young sons,
I'm the youngest and most strapping.

Any of your brothers missing Timers?

Why, you looking for a date?

A girl's gotta be proactive, I can't just

sit here and feel bad about
my crappy situation.

It's not as crappy as your sister's.

Well, I guess.

One could argue that

knowing is better than
not knowing. Even if

knowing is tremendously disappointing.
At least she can live her life.

Accomplish what she wants,
plan for her future.

Is that what she's doing?

No.

No. We need a little mystery in life.

Well...

If you feel that way,
why did you get a Timer?

Some people lead, I follow.

Why are you so far away?

I don't know why.

- I don't know why either.
- You're stupid.

- Idiot.
- You're an idiot.

- You're the idiot.
- You're an idiot.

- You're an idiot.
- Shut up.

- You're the shut up.
- Shut up.

Miss DePaul.
Where were you an hour ago?

Right here. Doing my job.
Smile on my face.

Then why did Mrs. Kaufman's call roll
over to voicemail three times in a row?

Are you gonna take the side
of a tattle-tale?

Ms. DePaul, we don't
pay you to be glib,

or to leave your desk unattended.

I'm sorry for interrupting.
That was my fault.

When I came in,

I forgot where my grandfather's
room was, and

I asked Steph to show it to me.

Really?

- Yeah.
- What's his name?

Dutch Solomon.

Doctor Rosen, call the lab.

Beg your pardon.

You didn't have to do that.

I'm sorry.

He just seemed to be getting on
your case a little unnecessarily.

Uh, no, it was necessary alright,

'cause I was sucking down a caramel
frapuccino about an hour ago.

OK, you want me to get him back here?

We can just tell him the truth.
I know I'll feel better.

Nah, 'cause then that would
make me a good influence on you.

You ever been in the Pocket Watch?

You coming by the bar tonight?

Uh... I've, uh...

Yeah, I don't know, why?

Because you haven't been by in a decade.

And because I might've found
your next Timerless puppet.

Good teeth. Endearingly clueless.

No scars and/or visible tattoos.

Uh... Yeah. Okay, I'll, I'll...

I'll swing by.

What?

- Why are you weird?
- Why are you weird?

You're good at that.

Yeah. And you look like Mr. Rogers.

Dutch insisted.

Always a good idea to take

your social cues from
an octogenarian.

What's your drink?

I'm afraid to tell you.

I promise I won't make fun of you.

Just guess.

My sister, she's gonna be here
in a little bit, so.

Okay.

Oona.
You have spectacular teeth.

- I know.
- You've got a...

femur in the way back.

And your tricuspids are
just spectacular.

I need suction.

- Oh, suction.
- Go ahead.

OK, so... Oops, sorry.
I think I just...

got that hangy-ball thing, there,
let me just put that back in there.

No answer.

I hope she's trapped
under a cross-beam.

This was a setup?

Your sister has a blank Timer.

Can't get anything past you.

Look, thank you. Really.

I'm sure your sister is great,
but I'm not really looking for--

whatever.

How come no "whatever" for you?

I was married.

And my wife died. So...

I'm sorry.

No, no, no, look. See, this
is why I don't tell people.

You're the most inappropriate
person I've ever met.

And now you're getting all
appropriate on me.

So, you wanna make out?

What?

I'm sorry. I...

- It's okay.
- No, I should be put down.

Don't worry. She had a
sense of humor, it's alright.

So, how long ago was it?

Three years ago, this December.

What was she like?

She was beautiful.

She was complicated, though.

It's like she was always waiting
for something bad to happen, and...

I guess it finally did.

And she was your One?

Of course.

- Even without a Timer, you knew?
- Yeah.

Okay.

Whoah, fresh out of booze.

Have a nice night.

I love my job.

It shows.

Are you interested in doing
something else?

Besides serve drinks and
answer the phones?

Whatever for?

I don't know, isn't that how it works
out here? Like your waitress

is an actress. The guy who bags
your groceries is a writer?

Well, here's the plain truth:

By night, I tend bar to meet men,

and by day, I hang out with old people
because they don't have Timers.

There's more to you than that, right?

- Yeah, I like to spend my...
- You know what?

Don't answer, if you can't
be sincere, okay?.

Get up, flake!

Who raised you?

When you say you're gonna
be somewhere, you be there!

Jeez, Steph! God!

What's the big deal?

The big deal is, you stood up
a reasonably attractive,

shockingly nice, albeit completely
emotionally stunted man

in dire need of true love.

Not unlike your sorry ass.

- Are you naked?
- What? No!

I'm wearing a robe.

But you're naked underneath.
You don't sleep naked.

- Sometimes, I do.
- No, you don't.

You think it makes a rapist's job easier.

- Who's here?
- Nobody!

Nobody's here.

Since when do you lie to me?

Hey. I'm Mikey. You're Steph, right?

Don't wear it out. Uh...

This is the four-month guy, right?

Yeah. Two months and 12 days,
but yeah, it's him.

Oona. What are you doing?

- Have you been seeing him this whole time?
- Yeah, I have.

And it's fine. I have it under control.

- Under control?
- Ladies...

You're seriously deluded, my friend.

Why? Because I'm enjoying
spending time with somebody?

Because I'm not a total slave
to the Timer?

No, because he's gonna break your
heart into a million tiny little pieces--

- I think...
- I know self-destructive,

- this is it!
- I think...

- I think it might help if I...
- Spit it out, Sparky.

- Mikey.
- What'd I say?

My Timer.

What about it?

Oh my god!

Whoa, whoa, guys, guys, no.
It-- It's fake.

Look, see? It just, sticks on.

It's fake?

You... You're not zeroing-out?

You don't have a Timer at all?

No, I don't.

Uh-oh.

- Are you fucking kidding me?
- No wait, I can explain this...

- No, please, explain.
- No no, I can, look. Uh...

Wretch found these things online,

you can just set the timer for whatever you
want. People who are so obsessed with them,

I just figured that it'll
take the pressure off.

You mean you use it to pick up
women, kinda like a fake wedding ring.

That's actually kinda clever. Sorry.

No. I mean... Yeah, that's
what they're meant for.

But I just wanted a chance
to see if I like the person,

and if they like me back.

I mean, you said yourself,
you're different with Timerless guys,

so don't you think that we got
to know each other, for real?

Yeah. Except you were lying
to me the whole time.

I didn't want to meet you like this.

In your boxers?

With a Timer.

Hey. Thanks.

Nice to meet you.

Is this where you pull away again?

No, this is where I
kick you out of my house.

Fine. Great.

Maybe you can chase
after me this time,

or maybe if you figure out that me
not having a Timer is a good thing,

call me.

Hi.

Hi.

I don't think I have anything
to be sorry about, but I am.

Kinda felt like an apology.

You're right.

You should be the one who's sorry.

I am.

I should've told you.

Yes, you should have.

I just said that.

Okay.

- Did you just come here to make me feel bad?
- No.

I just thought maybe we
could hang out again.

After this weekend, of course.

Well, that depends.

On what?

What's this weekend?

Thanksgiving.

Right.

You don't have any plans?

Okay, so, um...

My Mom is a little crazy.
But totally lovable.

My stepdad Paul is much more sane,

so just talk to him.

A tire swing.

Oh! My brother Jesse.
Great kid.

And his One and her entire
family are gonna be here,

and it's kinda awkward, so
don't make it worse, okay?

And you've met my sister Steph,
and learned not to leave your...

jugular exposed. Ready?

Hi!

Don't get up. Sorry.

This is my Mom, Marion DePaul.

That's my stepdad, Paul.

You know my sister, Steph.

My brother Jesse, Soledad,
and her parents, Mr. and Mrs. Morales.

Hi, I'm Mikey.

Right. Sorry.

This is Michael Evers, everybody.

Well, we're so glad
you could join us.

Paul is just mashing the guacamole.

- It's-- Yeah, okay.
- Alright.

I'm sure Oona's told
you the happy news,

that Soledad is joining our family.

Oh yeah, absolutely. Congratulations.
Felicidades.

Gracias.

Uh... Margarita, Mikey?

Oh, whoah, whoah. Let's
see some ID there, Sparky.

Actually, I'm just fine with
water, thank you Mr. DePaul.

Always a pleasure, Steph.

I'll have one. Thanks.

Let's make a toast.

To two families becoming one.

Cheers.

So Oona. You've told me
so little about Michael.

- How did you two meet?
- Thank you.

Mikey's a musician.
We met at one of his concerts.

- Oh, what do you play?
- He's a drummer.

Yeah, his band is very successful.

What's your band called again?

Truckbeef.

Did you say "Upchuck"?

Truckbeef!

You've heard of us?

Just that one song,
"Love Is A Hot Mess."

It was a self-released single, right?

Yes. Yes, it was.
You've blown my mind.

So, Michael.
Where are you from, originally?

Excuse me.

Kalamazoo, Michigan. For real.

Is that why you don't have a Timer?

Sort of. That, and I really
don't believe in it.

Quieres un burrito, Mikey?

Oh, Si. Por supuesto.

That went well. Didn't it go well?

- I think it went well.
- It went well. Are you okay?

Of course, why?

You just seem a little tense.

I'm fine.

Is this thing gonna...
light up, or buzz...?

Both.

So, tell me again why it is
you never got a Timer?

Uh, I don't know.
It just never happened, I guess.

Um, why not?

I guess, it was because I was
in Michigan at the time, and...

It was about 8 years ago that
I was old enough to get one.

People were still a little freaked out by it then.
Now everyone in my old high school has one.

I just didn't want to conform,
I guess.

You're 22?

Yeah. A little worse
than you thought?

Yeah, it's way worse, actually.

Did it just buzz?

No.

He's a nice young man.

Mom.

What's wrong with that?

It's like you've seen
a play that you hate,

and the only thing you
can think to say is,

"However did you manage to
learn all those lines?".

Why don't you just say
what you really think?

That he's too young,

he's uneducated,
that he's outmatched.

Seems to me that's
what you're thinking.

I am only concerned that you've
become too attached to this boy.

What about "No stone unturned" ?

I would be thrilled if he got a Timer.

If he's your One,
I would be overjoyed.

But I doubt if you'll get him
to agree to get one,

He's very reminiscent of your father.

In what way?

Well, he's a musician...

That's superficial, I guess, but
he has that same charming, boyish,

tumbling tumbleweed quality.

It's very seductive, I know.

What kind of mother would I be
if I didn't help you

avoid the mistakes that I made?

Well, if my father's a mistake,
then I'm a mistake, right?

Oona. That's childish.

Look, I know you'd do it all
over again for me.

But you can't talk about Paul
being your soulmate

and me being the daughter you were
meant to have in the same breath.

These are two different paths.

I gotta go.

- I thought you were staying for dinner?
- No, Mikey and I are going out.

Can I ask you something?

Can I stop you?

No.

What's the deal with
boobs that point out?

I'm not following.

OK. Like, your boobs, they face
front, and they're awesome.

I'm talking about the girls' boobs
that like, sway out towards their arms.

That's weird.

It's like a lazy eye or something,
like which one do I look at?

Unless like, they're really
far away, and it looks normal,

but then you wave a few bills,

and they come on over, and it's like,
"Hey. Which one do I look at?"

Then I think it's just that they
sleep on their stomachs too much,

and that's what the deal is.

Unless it's genetic.

Jesus, if it's genetic, then...

their babies' babies are
gonna have tits on their back.

Hey. I got you something.

It's a few more songs we recorded.

You might like the track
"You Straighten My Teeth".

- That's catchy.
- Thank you.

So when do I get to see you again?

Or more specifically, when do I get to
see your nice, front-facing boobs again?

I don't know.
Maybe when you grow up.

What's your problem?

Mikey...

I'm turning 30, this weekend.

This is a "biological clock" thing?

It's everything!
You know, I mean...

I don't have time to
stand still like this.

We did the thing where we pretended
that the Timer didn't matter,

and I'll grant you,
it was a lot of fun.

But now that I know you
have this virgin wrist,

it's back to mattering.
Where is my shoe?!

"Virgin wrist"? What the fuck
are you talking about? Who are you?

See, this is why I don't want
a Timer, 'cause it's fucked up.

I need an answer.
I am tired of waiting.

Okay. Okay.

Say I get a Timer,

and it says that me and you are
supposed to be together forever and ever

that'll satisfy you, right?

Yes.

You're gonna trust a little piece of plastic
over what I can tell you, right now?

You're not telling me anything!

I'm telling you that I love you!

I don't know what that means.

Jesus, Oona.

What do you want?

A guarantee.

No.

Your problem isn't that I can't give you a
guarantee, it's that you can't give me one.

Are you kidding?

I need to do something.

- No kidding. What?
- I'm going to see Rick.

Holy shit!

Uh... I get off in 20 minutes.

Oh, screw it. Let's go.

Little different than the
apartment you grew up in, huh?

Yeah.

I slept on an ironing board,
that folded up in the wall.

You think he'll recognize me?

You grew boobs, not a new head.

Not too late to Ding-Dong-Ditch.

You got a bag of dog shit on you?

Hi!

Hi, uh...

We're here to see Rick.

Regarding?

Oh. Oh, no, no.

No, no, not like that. No.

This is weird. I'm his daughter.

Rick?

These girls are here to see you.

Hi.

Can I use your bathroom?

- Sure.
- Excuse me.

Sorry I didn't call before I came by.

That's fine. Uh, please, have a seat.

How are you?

Great.

This might be totally inappropriate,
but I have a friend...

He may or may not be talented,
but anyway, he's in a band,

and I just thought maybe you
could look at his CD demo.

Oh.

No problem.

Okay, so you know what?

I don't wanna take
any more of your time

I was just really hoping that maybe...

You could tell me why it is
you never got a Timer.

I know it totally offends your
bohemian sensibilities

- and everything, but...
- I have a Timer.

What?

When did you get a Timer?

Before you and your mother left.

- I thought you refused.
- No.

It was my idea.

I knew everything was gonna
fall apart, before you were born.

But Marion couldn't give up.

I thought if I got a Timer,

that she could see it a little clearer.

When did you zero-out?

I haven't, yet.

Can you believe it?

Couple of more lessons
to learn, I guess.

Let's go.

Thank you.
It was nice to meet you.

I had it removed.

Your Dad isn't my One.

But I love him.

Fuck it. You know?

Hell yeah! We should have
done this, like, years ago.

This is gonna be better than that time

we convinced Katie Meyers
to shave her eyebrows.

- Oh, yeah.
- Oona?

Haven't seen you for a while.

Oh, girl, you weren't kidding
about process of elimination!

No. No.
This is my sister, Steph.

- Oh, hi. Nice to meet you.
- Likewise.

We want to get our Timers removed.

Removed?

- Like removed completely?
- Yes.

Oh, Oona, honey, you giving up?

- No.
- She's moving on.

We both are.

So, can you pop these
suckers off, or what?

I don't know.
I've never done a removal.

I'll have to talk to my manager.

Are you certain you want
to make this mistake?

- Absolutely.
- Damn straight!

Okay. Well, removal is more
painful than implantation.

One of the many reasons why
we advise against it.

You're aware there
will be a noticeable scar.

That's cool. We're warriors.

- Wow, that is ancient!
- My god, that's incredible.

It's so old!

How about we limit
the ediorial comments?

Right. Sorry.

You ready?

Since I was 14.

Okay.

On the count of three.

One...

Two...

FUCK ME!

Wasn't that bad.

I'm fine.

What happened to three?

I feel ten pounds lighter.

Alright.

You're up, champ.

Marion's gonna flip her shit!

Good!

Now Oona, you do realize that

once the device is removed,

it damages the sensory
area irreparably.

Where was that warning
when I went?

What does that mean, exactly?

It means you can't get
another Timer implanted.

Your other wrist isn't a viable option.
One shot's all you've got.

Just... OK.

Question.

Do you think the Timer actually works,

or is it just a self-fulfilling prophecy?

The chicken, the egg...
It's all a big clusterfuck.

Oona?

I got you.

Okay.

- Yeah. Just, do it.
- Are you sure?

Mm-hm.

Okay.

Count of three.

One...

Two...

What... What is that?

What's happening?

This is crazy!

Wha-- what's crazy?

I guess that somewhere, out there,
your One just got a Timer.

- Holy shit!
- You're gonna meet him tomorrow!

No! No, no no. You made a mistake.
You just shorted it out or something.

I mean, there's no way!

That can't be real!

Even if it was, it doesn't matter.

Maybe it's Mikey, and he's the
next person you're gonna see, or...

it could be someone else, I guess.
Either way, you're gonna meet him.

You're still getting it removed, right?

Oona? Right?

I don't--

I don't know.

It's finally happening!

I'll be in the car.

You won't regret it.

That'll be $79.99 plus tax,
for your sister's removal.

Still did that.

Jesse. Man your post.
Hi!

You leave your spot one more time,

and I'm gonna make you listen to
one of my tapes with me, in my car.

Mikey! How're you? Come in!
They'll be here any minute.

- Glad you could come.
- Thank you for inviting me.

- Hey.
- Oh, hey.

Dude, I am not moving.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Dan.
- Mike.

Nice to meet you.

Are you a part of the family?

Uh, no. Just a friend.

Me too.

Mom, she's here.

Quiet, everybody! Quiet! Shh!
They're here, they're here!

Mikey! Come on, come on!

Okay, hit the lights!

- Surprise!
- Surprise!

Steph, where's Oona?

I don't know.
We didn't come together.

- Well, that's okay.
- Happy birthday, sweetheart.

What?

You look great.

Shit!

That's not the reaction
I expected, but...

I want to crush them.

Do it. It's your birthday.

Mi hija. Puritan Meyos if?

Lo tienes you well.

Hey.

That's perfect, thank you.

Excuse me, Ms. DePaul?

Luz would like me to
translate for her.

Oh, wonderful.

No tenemos que ser amigas.

We're not friends.

I'm so sorry.

No, no no. I'm a little rusty.

What she said was, you two...
don't have to be friends.

Okay.

Hubiera sido mejor si en
unos, dos o tres años

Jesse y Soledad hubieran
passado a salir en secreto.

It would have been easier

if Jesse and Soledad had started
seeing each other in secret.

Y si viso hubieramos descuvierto
irritando, llorano.

And then we had found out about it,
disapproving, yelling, screaming...

Andriamos que aceptar su amor y

nuestras familias despues
de que secaran.

...forcing us to accept their
love and each other's families

after they were married.

Oh, I would have
preferred that, too.

Yo tambien lo preferia?

Pues...

Y por ahora, yo estoy su callara
y usted la dueña de la casa.

For now, I'm your housekeeper,
and you are my boss.

Well. That's a good plan.
Isn't that a good plan?

Well done, Luz.

Uh, es un bien plan.
Muy bien, Luz.

Gracias.

Gracias.

No, it's like a magic trick.

No, no, I don't know any.

Oona!

Hi.

Jesse! Steph! Paul!

Just want to be included.

Everybody!
The birthday girls!

Oona, your Timer.

You got a Timer?

Uh, yeah, I did.

When did yours start counting down?

Uh, last night.

Steph!

Incidentally, I may have made
things worse by inviting Mikey.

- I'm Marion.
- Hi. Dan.

- Paul.
- Hi. Dan.

Dan, what do you do?

Mikey!

Mikey!

It's gonna be hard to
cover that up.

No, laying shit bare is

kinda the theme of the night,
don't you think?

You okay?

What, are you kidding?

Do you... think we
should talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.

God, I was just being nice to you.

All fresh off the bus, I didn't
want to see you get seduced by

the adult film industry,
or L. Ron Hubbard.

Hi.

Hi.

This is a fucking Greek
tragedy, up in here.

I-- I should leave.

No, you know what...

I should go. I'll go.

Give you two, um, some privacy.

Steph, please stay. Talk to me.

Okay, um...

You're an unforgivable bitch
for bogarting

the one quasi-romantic
happiness I've ever known.

Nobody's, uh... bogarting...

- I don't need your help, okay?
- You know what, don't talk to him like that.

You're gonna be pissed at me,
but not at him?

He's the one who suddenly
decided to get a Timer

at the most colossally
inconvenient time ever!

I had no idea it was
gonna be this bad...

Hey. New guy, since you took your
sweet time showing up in my life

can you just give me a few more
minutes alone with my sister?

Would you stop being
such a bitch to him?

Can you stop being
such a bitch to me?

I'm just mad, okay?
I'm allowed to be mad.

It's not exactly fair that
you get everything, and I...

We watched everybody
we know zero-out.

But yu and I, we've always
had our fucked-up Timers.

It was us, and them.

I'm not a "them".

Oona, you are.

- Can you just give us a minute?
- No problem.

You know...

I got the Timer
because of you, Steph.

Because spending time with you

made me not want
to be alone anymore.

And if there's any
upside to all this,

it's that now I know you're gonna
be part of my life for good.

"If there's any upside to this" ...

Sounds like you made a
great first impression.

Who is he?

That's Dan.

Your man.

How do I not know about a
whole man in your life?

You've been a little preoccupied
with your own shit lately.

Okay.

Well, then.
So this is, where we are.

I'm gonna go.

And you're gonna
stay here and be mad.

And you can sulk all
weekend long if you want to,

but come Monday morning,
you have to come home.

Because you're my favorite
person in the world.

And you were my One long before
any of these boys showed up.

It just--

It's just not worth it,
without you.

Hi.

Where are the boys?

At a gig in San Francisco.

You didn't go?

I had plans last night.

Fuck the Timer.

Really, I don't care
about it anymore.

It says I'm supposed to walk off
into the sunset with some stranger

and I don't accept that!

You're just freaking out because
now you have what you want.

I don't have what I want!

Look!

I got it removed. Okay?

And I know what you're thinking:

that it's moot,

that I already zeroed-out,

that we already know
who my supposed One is,

that it's too late,

and there's no going back,

and it's a pointless
gesture, right?

That's what you're
thinking, right?

No, I'm wondering if
"moot" is a real word.

It's too late.

How can it be too late?
You don't even believe in the Timer!

I don't believe that we should have
them, but I know that it works.

Well even if it does, who knows
how long it'll be before he and I...

A year from now, are we together?

A year is a long time.

See, for me, the answer's yes.

Of course, without a doubt,
we are together.

My answer isn't
because of the Timer.

I know that.

It's because you're
not in love with me.

I was in love with you.

I think I was.

I think I ruined it.

Didn't I?

Maybe.

You're being awfully stoic.

Okay, I don't know what
that means either,

but you broke my fucking heart and
I'm really trying to be a man about it, okay?

So cut me some fucking slack here!

Ow, fuck!

Everything was so much easier
when you had a fake Timer.

Because you didn't have to
pretend we're something we're not.

No. Because I stopped sweating
my future, like you told me to.

I was just with you and I loved it.

Well...

I do appreciate the pointless gesture.

Is there a scar?

There will be.

You scarred me.

But in a good way?

In a good way.

I'm really glad you don't care
about the Timer anymore.

This way, you'll know, for sure.

About him.

It's 8:37 in the morning.

I thought you were dead.

Hi.

Hi.

They look weird, huh?

That's my, uh-- relay team.

I gave them those masks.
It's like these Bangladesh hunters...

Yeah. No, I know, I saw the special.

I know they wear them on the back
of their heads to deter hungry tigers.

Exactly, yeah.

It's to psych-out
your competitor, thing.

Yeah. So weird.

- Weird, yeah?
- Yeah.

So what are you doing on my track?

It's usually my track.

From 7:00 to 7:45.

Yeah. I got a late start
this morning.

I'm sorry I was so rude to you.

It's-- It's okay.

Please don't take it personally.

It's okay. I'm j--

Just glad you're alright.
When mine went blank, I was--

worried you got hit by a bus.

I'm okay.

I should get back to my relay team.

Yeah. Okay.

You should get a late start more often.

Alright.