Three Wise Guys (2005) - full transcript

( music playing )

- Can I get your cab, sir?
- No.

- Can I help you with your bag?
- I said no.

No is no.
Don't touch the bag.

Well, a very merry Christmas
to you, too, sir.

Yeah.

Hey, come back here.

You know what?
You're right.

- Merry Christmas.
- Same to you, sir.

All right,
now get out of my face.

- Oh.
- Go ahead.



Sir.

Yes, sir.
Can I help you?

Yes, you can.

- This car won't do.
- This is a good car.

- It's very fast.
- I need a bigger trunk.

So what's it gonna be?
You coming to the party?

Well, I'd love to,
but you know I'm here
on business.

I'll see you soon.

Bye, girls.
All right, yo.

Let's go, ladies' man.
Murray's waiting.

- Can't be late for the job.
- ( tires screech )

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride
in an one-horse open sleigh ♪

♪ Jingle bells,
jingle bells... ♪



Woman:
So Mr. Crown invites
all the employees.

- Woman #2:
Well,
when you own the casino...
-
Right, yeah.

I said Virgin Mary
extra spicy.

Yes, sir. Sorry.

( cell phone ringing )

Here you go, folks.
Compliments of Murray Crown.

Yeah.
No, flight was okay.

No, no.
Not too bumpy.

So how are the kids?

Yeah, what'd he do?

Yeah, well, you tell him
if he doesn't want coal
in his stocking

and a rap on his head,
he better start listening.

( laughs )

And your names are...

Mistletoe.
This is Zuzu.

Ah, I'm Joey.
Merry Christmas.

So, uh, have you been
good girls this year?

No, we've been
very naughty.

( chuckles )
Naughty's nice.

- Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.
- Thanks for throwing the party,
Mr. Crown.

Tell the boss what you want
for Christmas, sweet cakes.

- Can I tell you in private?
- Would you, please?

- ( laughs )
- Murray.

- Oh!
- Run along, sweetheart.

Only Mommy kisses
Santa Claus this year.

Okay, go find
something else.
Go on.

- Oh. They're here.
- Oh.

Humbug.

Humbug is right.

Yeah, what can I tell you,
Charley?

I tried to do
what I could,

but we both know
who the real Scrooge
is around here.

Yeah, Murray Crown.

Hello, Murray.

- Hey.
- And, Shirley,

can I just say
how beautiful you
look this evening?

Well, why not?
You'd only be
telling the truth.

Leo, let me buy you
a glass of eggnog, okay?

Okay.

- We had a good year.
- A great year.

- A banner year.
- And a lot of the credit
goes to you.

- Ah.
- Seriously, you are my oldest
and most trusted friend.

And because of that,

I've got a little bit
of holiday cheer

from me to you.

Murray, I don't know
what to say.

And that ain't all,
as an added bonus,

this is Sindy
with an S.

- Okay, you'll need this.
- Oh, Murray.

Now, Sindy,
he's got a weak heart,
so first couple rounds,

take a little something off
of it, all right?

- I'll take care of him.
- Merry Christmas, Leo.

- All right, I got to go.
- Oh, no.

- Yeah.
- You sure?

- To remember me by.
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

- What?
- Come on.

( knocks on door )

Hope you don't mind,
I ordered champagne
and caviar.

Why would I mind?
It's Murray's dime.

So which one
of you's caviar?

Little joke.
Tough room.

So what can I do
for you fellas?

Murray sent us.

Yeah, well, no offense,
but I gotta tell ya,

I much preferred
the lovely Sindy
with an S.

- Where is he?
- Who?

- The little drummer boy.
- Marley.

The yutz from the lounge?

But-- what's the matter,
he didn't show up
for work tonight?

No, Leo,
he didn't.

And last night,
he telephoned Murray.

Said he had information

about the casino's
financial shenanigans
over the past few years.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

He also said
if Murray didn't
come up with $125,000,

he was gonna feed
that info to the feds.

Which wouldn't be good
for Murray.

And either way,
it definitely ain't good
for you, buttercup,

'cause Murray knows
that information could
only come from you.

Look, on my mother's--

I don't know what
you're talking about.

I swear.
( laughing )

I'm sorry.
It's--

I've got to warn you,
I'm extremely ticklish.

Yeah, come on.

Oh, no.
No, what are you
gonna do to me?

Leo, it's Christmas,
better it be a surprise.

But I can tell you
this much, you really
ain't gonna like it.

No! Help!
Oh!

( laughing )

Is this funny to you?

No, I'm sorry, fellas.

When I'm nervous,
I have a tendency
to make jokes.

Yeah, but, see,
that wasn't a joke, Leo.

A joke is a guy walks
into a bar.

A joke is this guy
and Cindy Crawford

were stranded
on a desert island.

- I didn't know that one.
-
You don't know that one?

It's a classic.
George, you know
that one, yeah?

Hey, I got one.

And I think
you're gonna like--

( groaning )

What?!
Did he just die?!

- What the--
see if he's dead.
- Wait, why me?

What, afraid of
a little dead body?

Yup. He's dead.

I don't care how it happened.
Get rid of the body and
you find the drummer.

And do it now, okay?

Hi. Happy holidays.
Happy holidays.
Good luck.

Good luck.
Happy holidays
to you guys.

How are we gonna find
the drummer now?

And to think
right now I could be
under Mistletoe.

What the hell's that?

- It's a falling star.
- You mean a meteor.

- A what?
- That's what we call
falling stars, meteors.

Burning up
as they're entering
Earth's atmosphere.

It could be
a flying saucer.

I hear they use the desert
out here as a landing strip.

Whatever it is,
here it comes.

( helicopter blades whirring )

Man on P.A.:
Attention, you have entered
a restricted military zone.

Leave the area immediately.

Come on, let's go. Go!

Come on, Joey.
Close it, come on.

Come on,
let's go.

Move it!

- Okay, I think we're clear.
- All right.

You can turn
the headlights on now.
Come on.

Both:
George, look out!

Joey:
Look out, George!
Look out!

( tires screeching )

( all yelling )

George!

( engine stalls )

Are you okay?

Somebody could've
been killed.

Somebody still might be.

I'm sorry.
My car overheated

and my cell phone
doesn't work

and I ran out of water
and if you hadn't stopped--

( crying )

- Hey, why you crying?
- It's not her fault.

She's just experiencing
a little hormonal imbalance.

Perfectly natural
after the sixth month,
right, honey?

Thank you.

Do you have children?

Yes, I have five.

We're shooting for six.
So when are you due, hon?

Next month.

I was hoping for
a Christmas baby, but...

- Eh, as long as
they're healthy, right?
- Right.

Hey, I don't mean
to interrupt this
Kodak moment,

but what are you
doing out here?

- My radiator is shot.
-( cell phone chimes )

Yeah, and thanks to you,
so is our battery.

Guys, she's freaking right
about these cell phones.

May I?

So what are you doing out here
in the middle of nowhere?

Well, my husband
is at Camp MacArthur

and I was on my way
to see him.

So you're married.

Yes.

So where's
your wedding ring?

I had to hock it.

Now I have a baby
on the way.

You got a real way
with the ladies, huh?

- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

So what's your name,
hon?

Mary.

Mary Ann Davidson.

Mary Ann Davidson.
Where you from?

Do you know
Sweetwater, Iowa?

Sweetwater? No.

That's where I'm from.

I ran away
to make it big
on the Strip.

You know,
name in lights,
star on the door.

What I got was a job
selling watered-down drinks

to insurance salesmen
from Cheboygan.

( chuckles )
And now you're pregnant.

( chuckles )
Yeah.

So you gonna
raise the kid
in Vegas?

I don't see how
that could possibly be
any of your business.

Yeah, you're right.

Forget I asked.

So what are you guys
doing out here?

- What are we doing out here?
- Uh...

We're, um,
what you call it?

- Astronomers.
- Astronomers, yeah.

Yeah, you know,
we're just out
stargazing.

You know, that's, uh,
that's what we do.

It's what we do.

Beautiful, huh?

( bird screeching )

George:
Okay, give it a shot.

( engine clicking )

Modern,
stupid damn cars.

She's beautiful,
isn't she?

Yeah, don't let her
fool you.

That's when they're
the most dangerous.

When they're sleeping.

Next thing you know,
they got their arms
around you...

- Mm-hmm.
- ...hold you.

- What, do you got
a problem with intimacy?
- Nah, I love intimacy.

As long as it ends before
9:00 the next morning.

Hey, guys,
somebody's gonna
have to go for help.

And when I say somebody,
I mean you, Joey.

What? Why me?

- Seniority, kid.
- Look, you'll get to
the highway eventually.

Gee, thanks, George.

Here, you take this.

St. Joseph.

Patron saint of husbands.

You don't have
to believe in it.
Just wear it.

All right.
All right.

- Wish me luck.
- Good luck.

( bell dinging )

Ahem. What is it?

Astronomers, huh?

( braying )

It's a kid.
Put 'em down.

What happened
to your car?

Battery shorted.

Did you shoot it?

Yeah, yeah.
How far to the next
gas station?

What's wrong with
that car over there?

Radiator blew.

It's got a battery,
doesn't it?

- Joey, go get that battery.
- ( stammers )

- Go ahead. Just do it.
- Right, right, yeah.
Seniority, I got it.

All right.

Try it now.

- ( engine starts )
- Huh?

All right,
let's go, guys.

Let's go,
let's go.

- Huh?
- Whoo!

- Yeah.
- We did it.

- That's right.
- Hey, kid, here's a little
something for your...

trouble.

What?

Come on.
Let's go.

Man on P.A.:
This is the final call
for all passengers

departing on
the westbound bus
to San Francisco

with connection to Los Angeles,
platform eleven.

Oh.

You have to
give me your address.
I'll send you a check.

- Forget about it.
- Merry Christmas, hon.

- Oh, no. I can't.
- For the baby.

You all have been
so kind to me.

I don't know
how to thank you.

How 'bout a hug?

Come on.

Can I tell you
a secret?

You're almost as cute
as you think you are.

Man on P.A.:
All passengers
holding tickets

for bus 23 bound for Iowa,
please board now,
platform five.

Bus 23 for Iowa,
please board now,
platform five.

- Sweet kid, huh?
- There's something about her.

Yeah, it's called
way too much attitude.

- That's not what I mean.
- I must have left my watch
in the car.

- What time is it, huh?
- It's, uh...

- My wallet.
- No, no, no.

That little thief.
Come on!

Excuse me, excuse me.

Hey, Joey, go ahead.
I got the next one.

- Go ahead, Joey.
I got the next one.
- I got this one.

Excuse me, officer.
Have you seen a pregnant lady?

- Sorry.
- I just lost my wife,
you know?

- Joey: Ah!
- Vincent: She's gone!

- This is your fault.
- Why me?

- ( cell phone ringing )
-( man on P.A. )

( mumbles )

Hello. Yeah, Murray.

How you doing? Yeah.

Nah, everything's fine.
Yeah.

- Hey, Murray.
- You guys take care of
our little problem?

- Absolutely.
- Yeah, yeah. Leo's sleeping
with the scorpions.

That's good.

Then why's he in
a hospital room
lying in a coma?

That's impossible.

He was dead,
right?

What am I, a doctor?

He looked dead,
he felt dead.

Well, if he wakes up
and starts talking to the feds,
I am gonna be dead.

Wait, Murray.
Maybe he wakes up
and doesn't say anything.

Right.
Why would he?

He thinks I sent you guys
to kill him, for God's sakes.

If he comes to,
he's gonna sing
like Sinatra.

We'll cross
that bridge later.

Right now,
I need you to
bring me Marley.

And I need you
to find Stella for me.

- Stella?
- Stella. Stella Destaid.
She's my girl.

Well, she was my girl
till that damn drummer
tricked her head all around

and talked her into
doing this.

I found a note
that she wrote
this morning.

She's got a disc with
all the financial stuff

I don't want the feds
to know about.

And she thinks
having it will keep me
from hurting her or Jake.

- The little drummer boy's
name is Jake?
- Yes.

- Jacob Marley?
- Yes, why?

No reason.

Okay, I want
Marley's chestnuts

roasting on that open fire
by Christmas morning.

And I need you to bring
Stella back to me.

But she did this.
What if she doesn't want to?

- What do you mean?
- We'll take care of it.

- Shirley:
Murray. Murray, honey.
- Good.

Where are your manners?
We have guests.

You don't offer
refreshments?

Please, you know,
I baked these personally.

- Oh, thanks, Mrs. C.
- Call me Shirley, hon.

- All right.
- Thanks, Shirley, hon.

- Sprinkles are my favorite.
- Oh, very good.

- George?
- I'll pass.

- Do you have diabetes?
- No.

Eat the cookie.

All right, now,
everybody, sit.

Go on, sit.

Don't mind Murray.
He loves the holidays,
don't you, Murray?

- Yeah.
- Peace on Earth,
goodwill to man.

Tom Jones,
two shows nightly.

Some dentist from Scottsdale's
counting cards on table one.

Diego, table one.

That's right.
You see him?

Okay, do not make me
do your job for you!

Oh, you see how
stressed out he gets?
At his age.

Now, look, boys,
I want you to make sure

that my Murray has
a very merry Christmas.

So you find
that drummer.

We will.

- All right, boys.
- See ya.

- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye.

She finds out about Stella,
I'm gonna be mincemeat.

Vincent,
I'll tell ya,

I feel bad for you 'cause
I know you want to be home

with your family
'cause it's the holidays,

but you finish
this job right,

there's gonna be a nice bonus
in your Christmas stocking.

- Thanks, Murray.
- And if you screw it up,

I'm gonna send you back
to them in little teeny

tiny gift-wrapped boxes.

All right,
now when you find Stella,

be gentle because--

well, as you can see,
she's very, very beautiful.

Do not try to muscle her
'cause she don't like that.

You gotta be nice,
you gotta be sweet.

You gotta force her
to come back to me of
her own free will.

She is pregnant
with my child.

And you know I've always
wanted to have kids.

I mean, it's like
a Christmas miracle.

So get her back, guys.
Okay?

( groans )

There's still time for me
to make it back home,

but we've got to work quick
and we've got to work smart.

All right,
so you got any ideas?

I got plenty of ideas.
My Delores, when she was
in her third trimester,

she couldn't stop
eating or spending.

- All right?
- Okay, so...

- What do you mean, so?
Come on.
- Credit cards.

( bell rings )

Vincent:
I can't believe
I didn't see it coming.

I told you that you can
never trust a woman.

Not even a pregnant one.

- Well, you know, it's--
- No, no, no.

I spoke to American Express.
Vincent was right.

She's been running up
our credit cards like she's
married to Donald Trump.

- What did I tell ya?
- Clothes, food, a rental car.

- Where'd she rent the car?
- Thrifty.

- From Flamingo?
- Yeah.

Gentlemen,
I've got this one.

Go get 'em, killer.

- What are you drinking?
- It's a rum and Coke.

- Isn't that Delores' drink?
- Yeah.

I miss her.
And the kids.

- Delores.
- Delores.

Oh, yeah.

Woman:
So this tells you
all about the supplemental
liability insurance you got.

-
Okay?
- Man:
Sounds good.

- Woman:
Have a good day.
- You, too.

- Hey.
- Reservation number?

What, I need a reservation
to talk to you?

- Name?
- My name's Joey.
What's yours?

Nina.

That's a beautiful name.

So, Nina, um,

I was wondering
if you could help me.

I'm looking for someone.

What's her name?

You would remember her,
she goes out to here.

Yours?

No, no.
Definitely not.

I'm just helping out
a friend.

A good Samaritan, huh?

Well, it's Christmas.

We do what we can.

She was here
just a while ago.

( computer beeping )

Got the premium package,
maximum coverage,

one-way drop-off.

And where was
she headed again?

She didn't say.

But she did take a map
and asked for directions.

All right, where to?

- Pahrump.
- Pah-what?

Pahrump. West of here
on the way to Death Valley.

Okay.
Nina, you're a doll.

You know, we're offering
a holiday special this week.

Oh, yeah?
So what's the special?

- Me.
- You?

Well, I'll bet
you are special.

But I really gotta go.

I'll see you around.

♪ 'Tis the season
to be jolly ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Don we now
our gay apparel ♪

- ♪ Fa-la-la,
la-la-la, la-la-la ♪
-
( horn honking )

Crap.

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la ♪

♪ Follow me
in merry measure ♪

♪ Fa-la-la,
la-la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ While I tell of
Yuletide treasure ♪

♪ Fa-la-la-la-la--

- Small world.
- Small, big, it doesn't
really matter.

We would've found you
if you'd taken off from Mars,

Stella.

So Murray sent you.

My name's not Stella.
It's Mary.

Yeah, whatever
you call yourself.
I want my watch back.

- Yeah, me, too. Come on.
- Where's the disc?

It's in my purse.

- There you go.
- Ah.

Listen to me,

I was desperate
and I had to get away.

Yeah, the tears
are a nice touch.

If you hadn't gotten
knocked up, you probably
would've been a star.

Everything I told you
is true.

Oh, yeah?
You mean like, uh,
Sweetwater, Iowa.

There is no Sweetwater,
sweetheart.

- George checked.
- Okay.

And the husband
in the army?

Okay.

But this is real.

This is the realest thing
that's ever happened to me.

And I'm going to do whatever
I can to protect this child.

What, by stealing
from Murray Crown?

Have you ever
been in love?

Yeah, sure, I have.

Fortunately, it's always
only been temporary.

- Then I feel sorry for you.
- Yeah.

- Bingo.
- This the only copy?

Yeah. It's a read-only.
Can't be copied.

Okay, well, you boys
got what you want.
Merry Christmas.

- I need my keys because
I have to go.
- Not so fast.

A woman in your condition
shouldn't be driving around
the desert.

- Why don't you come with us?
- I really don't want to go
with you.

Nothing's going to happen
to you or your kid.

- I'm not going back to Murray!
- Get in the car!

- We're not
taking you to Murray.
- Get in the car!

At least not yet.

- First, you're going to
take us to the daddy.
- Who?

Murray thinks
he's the father,

but it's the drummer's,
isn't it?

Look, you got
what you want.

You got me,
you got the disc,
you don't need Jake.

Well, we need Jake
because Murray wants Jake.

And what Murray wants,
Murray gets.

I won't do it.

And I know what
you're gonna do to him.

Look at it this way,
you don't have a choice.
Get in.

Let's go.
Get in the car.

How many times
do I gotta say that?

Get my purse.

Put your seat belt on
for the baby.

-
( engine starts )
-
Come on, Joey.

Murray will send somebody
to get the car.

So is it
a boy or a girl?

I don't know.

Well, what does
your doctor say?

Huh?

You do have a doctor?

What's it to you?

You're always going on
about your wife and kids.

If you're such a family man,
what are you doing
with these two?

I can tell that
you'd rather be
with your family.

Come on,
it's Christmas.

The carols,
the tree.

Oh, and the kids
running down the stairs

ready to open
their presents.

Boy, it's a shame
you're going to have
to miss all that.

- You know what
I'm thinking?
- What, Vincent?

I'm thinking that if we can
find this boyfriend of yours
and get rid of him real quick,

I can still make it home
in time for Christmas.

-( Joey and George laughing )
- ( crying )

Yeah, nice try,
sweetheart.

- Oh, okay. Here we go.
- It's the hormones talking.

There's nothing
you can do about it.

Whatever,
just somebody shut her up.

Or what?
You'll get rid of me, too?

Is he always like this?

Now that you mention it,
he's even worse at Christmas.

Yeah, why is that,
Georgie?

When you were a kid,
did you catch Mommy
kissing Santa Claus?

- I'm an orphan.
- No kidding, huh?

What happened
to your folks?

My mother and father
were murdered in their sleep
on Christmas Eve.

- Oh, my God.
- That really happened?

Your parents
really got popped
on Christmas Eve?

- No.
- ( scoffs )

That's not funny.
You're sick, man.

That's not funny.

Um, you have to stop.

- No.
- That's not funny.

- Mary:
No, no, no.
- No, no, no.

No, look,
I mean it.

I have to go.
You have to stop.

I'll go in the car.

My Delores
in her eighth month,

she was like
a leaky faucet.

George, I think
you better pull over.

Mary:
You gotta be kidding me.

You can get back
in the car.

We should keep
an eye on her.

Where's she gonna go?

Eh, you got a point.

Dear... God.

Okay. All right.

- All right?
- Yeah.

- Joey, I'm sorry--
- We're not stopping again.

- Use a cup.
- I'm hungry.

If I don't eat something,
I'm gonna pass out.

She's right.
My Delores in
her eighth month--

- Fine!
- I'm just saying.

Fine!

Can I take your order?

Okay, so I want two burritos.
One beef, one chicken.

I want a taco salad
and I want a side order
of beans and rice.

- Do you have ice cream?
-Mm-hmm.

Okay, good.
I want three scoops of vanilla.
I want some apple pie.

- Ooh, and I want a pickle.
Do you have fries?
-
Yeah.

Okay, good.

What, you guys
aren't eating?

- Oh.
- What's the matter?

- Um, I don't feel so good.
- That's a surprise.

- She don't look
too good, George.
- I think it's the baby.

- Vincent:
Huh?
-I think it's the baby.

- You sure?
Is it cramps?
- Uh-huh.

- Like a fist that's
opening and closing?
- Uh-huh.

- I think she's
having contractions.
- Give me a break.

- It's a trick.
- Hey, how do you know?

- She's pale and she's in pain.
- ( groaning )

And she needs
to see a doctor.

She'll see a doctor
when we get to Pahrump.

Hey, anything
happens to her,

Murray ain't
gonna be too happy.

Come on, honey.
You all right?

Murray did say
he didn't want anything
to happen to her.

( tires screeching )

( Mary groans )

Oh, we gotta hurry.

Come on, honey.
Let's go.

- Oh, please.
- Take it easy.

( groaning continues )

Excuse me, nurse.
We got a pregnant lady here.

Two big men
for one pretty lady?

- My baby.
- Don't worry, hon.

Babies are what we do best.

- Who's the daddy?
- He is.

Don't worry,
I haven't lost
a father yet.

Oh, why is he here?
I don't want him here.

Come on, Daddy,
take her hand.

Talk to her.

Did you pick the names?

- Names?
-Something Christmas-y

like Holly or Ivy
or Eve would be nice.

You know,
Holly's not that bad.

Yeah. And if it's a boy,
we could call him Rudolph.

( laughs )

- Or Jake.
- I'll get Dr. Ames.

( groaning )

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
You're cutting off
my circulation.

Please don't go.

I'm not going anywhere.

Hey, you skipped out
on us once already.

I'm not going to be fooled
by your little charades again.

Do you really think
that I'm faking this?

Well, let's just say
I wouldn't put it past you.

Here, murder this one
for a while.

So let me ask you,

why'd you run out
on Murray?

Oh, my God.
Why do you care?

I don't. You know,
it's just he's rich.

I'm sure he could've
taken care of you
and the kid.

All you had to do
was say that it was his.

Look, he doesn't want me.

He doesn't want the baby.

It's his pride.

- That's what
I took from him.
- Right, right.

And this drummer guy,
is he worth it?

Again, why do you care?

Hey, look, lady,
I don't care, okay?

It's just that
this Marley character

- doesn't sound
like a very good bet.
- ( yells )

How can you say that about
someone you don't even know?

First of all,
messing with
Murray Crown?

That alone ain't
the smartest of moves.

- Help.
- But what the hell?

He took his shot, right?

But then he went
and dragged you into it.

Put you
and your kid's necks
on the line.

And that is something
I never would've done.

Yeah, see,
if I was in love
with you,

I would never put you
in danger.

'Cause I wouldn't
want someone like me
coming after you.

You know,
I'm starting to get
the crazy idea

that you're not
such a creep.

Yeah.

Well, I would be
a bad bet, too.

You know,
you don't have to do this.

You could just let me go.

Oh, not again.

( screams )
Oh, come on!

You know, you're
a pretty good actress.

- ( panting )
- But you can stop all this

'cause I have a job to do
and I'm gonna do it.

And all the tears in China
ain't gonna change that
one bit.

Are you kidding me?!

I'm Dr. Ames.
How we doing today?

Dad, will you
give us a minute?

Thanks.

What do you think
about Holly?

Who's Holly?

( door opens )

- False alarm.
- I told you it was all an act.

He's very anxious.
Eh, expectant uncle.

Contractions were real,
but she could still be
a week away.

- Braxton-Hicks syndrome.
- That's right.

- She can go now?
- I'd like to keep her

for another couple of hours
just in case.

- All right, thanks, Doc.
- All right.

I hate hospitals.

Nothing but sick people.

Vincent:
Hey, Mary's not sick,
she's just pregnant.

Yeah, she's a knocked-up,
second-rate showgirl--

Hey, watch your mouth.

Why should I?

I'm just saying.

What is it
with you two?

I can see
that she's pretty.

I understand she's in
a delicate condition,

but the fact is,
she ripped us off.

Not just Murray, us.

All she does is
bat her baby blues

and you guys are gonna be
washing diapers?

Hey, diapers
are disposable,
George.

If we don't find
the drummer,

we are disposable, too.

( door opens )

♪ Joy to the world,
the Lord is come ♪

♪ Let Earth
receive her king ♪

♪ Let every heart

♪ Prepare Him room

♪ And heaven
and nature sing ♪

♪ And heaven and nature sing

♪ And heaven and heaven
and nature sing... ♪

Back in Jersey,

they're popping popcorn,
trimming the tree.

You know, the suicide rate
doubles during the holidays.

♪ Let Earth
receive her king ♪

♪ Let every heart

♪ Prepare Him room...

♪ Heaven and nature sing...

Where's your wife?

( bell tolling )

George:
Being outrun
by a pregnant...

this is a disgrace.

Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, come here!

( groans )

( bell continues tolling )

Hey!

Hey!

Man:
Pastor, what are we gonna do
with your wife now?

How am I supposed to
direct this pageant

with my Virgin Mary
on crutches?

( sighs )
Ruth, of all the times
to break your ankle.

What am I gonna do now?
What am I gonna do?

( sighs ) I'm done.
I'm finished.
I'm kaput.

I'm up the river.
I'm up the...

Oh, my Lord.

Would you look at her?

Yes, you.
Come here.

Right down to the belly
and everything.

Look at this.

Oh, and it's real.

Oh, glory, hallelujah.
You're a miracle, girl.

You can act, can't you?
It doesn't matter.

Ruth, boys and girls,
ladies and gentlemen,

I give you
our new Virgin Mary.

( applause )

You are gonna be great.

You're perfect.

Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, hey, where you going?

- We can't go in there.
- Why not?

It's a church, man.

- What, are you superstitious?
- Very.

The past five years
I've played Mary,

but as you can see...

I'm Pastor Roberts.
Can we help you?

We're looking for her.

I'm the father.

Oh...

oh, no, he is not.

It's the hormones talking.

Honey, I was wrong.

I should have never said
those things that I said.

I just-- I want you
to forgive me.

Darling, please.

You gotta understand,
I want you to come back.

I need you to come home.

Home?

Do you even know
what home is?

Or love?

Or commitment?

I had to get away
from him.

And there were no rooms
at the Desert Inn.

I need a place to stay
and I was wondering

if there was a shelter
at your church.

We can't have our Mary
staying in the shelter.

Well, it's better
than a stable.

You can stay
with Ruth and I.

- Oh, no, I couldn't.
- Mary, we insist.

Go on now.

You need to be
taken care of.

Homeless,
friendless,

yet in her womb
lies the hope of the world.

God, I love that.

Okay, folks, remember,
rehearsal's 9:00 tomorrow
morning, okay?

Sharp, sharp, sharp.

I mean, she can't
stay in there forever.

Can always just go in
and blast 'em.

Well, there's
the Christmas spirit.

( chuckles )

You know,
I bet she makes
a very good Mary.

Yeah, she got
the virgin thing down.

- ( cell phone ringing )
- Eh, cell phones.

Yeah, hi, hon.

I'm okay.

Yes, I'm taking my pills.

- My bowels are good.
- Ew!

No, I mean,
everything is normal.

Ain't love grand?

Hey, you ever wonder
what it's like?

Wife, kids,
a Christmas tree.

She ain't worth it.

Who?

You know who I mean.

-
( door opens )
- Vincent:
Yeah.
I love you, too.

I hate this.

I really should be home
with the family

and not doing this...

this stuff, you know?

Hey, Vincent.
You ever think about
doing anything else?

Teach.

I'd be a teacher.
Elementary teacher.

What, little Johnny
doesn't bring in
his homework,

you cut his thumbs off?

- Hey, I think
you'd make a good teacher.
- Yeah, thanks, Joey.

- Thanks.
- Just until someone
makes him angry.

Do you want to do
the honors?

I don't think she loves him.

Who?

Mary. I don't think
she's in love with
the drummer.

Baby's father or not.
It's just a feeling I got.

- Getting your hopes up?
- That's not what I'm saying,
George.

I'm saying
if she don't love him,
maybe she don't go to him.

- Which would mean...
- That we don't get to him
in time.

But-- but if she
still had the disc,

maybe she'd do it just
for the dollar signs, right?

I mean,
that's what I would do.

- Yeah.
- It's worth a try, right?

Not bad.
Knock yourself out, kid.

( laughs )
Look at this guy.

Sit down.
Practice makes perfect.

Yeah.

Look at that.

All right.

Hey.
What do you think?

Oh, he likes it.

It's kind of hard
to make a mistake.

Oh, you haven't
met my parents.

Oh, don't be
so hard on yourself.

You're good people.
I can tell.

Have you ever been wrong?

Once, but I
married him anyway.

( knocks on door )

Do not let him in.

He's the father of your child,
isn't he?

For your baby's sake.

God bless you, ma'am.

Hello, Mary.

I hope it's not too late.

For us, I mean.

After all...

it's Christmas.

All right, pick yourself
an ornament there.

Oh, that's a nice one.

Good job.

Nick, grab one there.
Right on the table.

Thatagirl.
Up you go.

All right, hang that
on that tree there.

- Honey, uh...
- Excuse me.

Pastor Roberts:
Careful, Nick. Good job.

There you go.

Your husband has a way
with children.

Oh, he's a real charmer.

Like any snake.

Look, Pastor,
you've been very kind,

but we really
gotta get going.

Oh, Joey,
you gotta stay
for supper.

- We'd love to.
- We--

Whatever you say, dear.

Pastor Roberts:
Then it's settled.
Dinner it is.

Daddy,
we forgot the angel.

Oh, the angel, yeah.

Um, angel.

You ready?
Pick her up.

Thatagirl.

Good job.

All right,
for the best part now.
Are you guys ready?

Okay, all right.

Lights, camera,
Christmas.

- ( gasps )
- ( cheering )

Mrs. Roberts:
Merry Christmas, sweetheart.

-
I love you.
-
I love you, too.

- What the hell
is he doing in there?
- I don't know.

But they do
a very nice tree.

My oldest, Nick,
was pouring ketchup

all over the head
of the other two.

- No.
- I'm not kidding.

You've got to watch them
every second.

- Thank you.
- Hey, ladies.

- I'd like to help out.
- Be our guest.

- All right.
- I'll leave you two
lovebirds to it.

- All right.
- Can you believe her?

Yeah, well,
what about the pastor
quizzing us on the reindeer?

Yeah, well, I can't believe
you didn't know who Vixen was.

- Vixen?
- Vixen.

Vixen, okay.
Yeah, well, that shows
how much you know.

- Hmm.
-
( water running )

I say they are
way too nice.

( sighs )

Yeah, you know,
I spent most of my life

running away
from people like that.

Christmas, huh?

Thank God it only
comes once a year.

Yeah.

Well, once is
one time too many.

Even though my old man,

he loved Christmas.

He worked for the Anyeli
brothers in the North End.

On Christmas Eve,
he would stop off
at Mangione's,

pick up a platter
of shells and sauce,

some calamari,
a little scampi.

Nice case of wine.

God, we ate like kings.

Then my father,

he would sit down
at the piano.

We'd all sing Silent Night.

Where was your mother
through all this?

That's a good question.

She, uh, she took off
when I was five.

I never saw her again.

I'm really sorry.

Eh, what can you do?

But my father,
he was great.

He always made sure
we had all the presents
we ever wanted.

Yeah, it was the exact
opposite with us.

We never really had
a happy holiday.

We had more fighting
than fun.

But, you know,
I still always
loved Christmas.

I always thought next year
would get better, you know?

When you're a kid,
you still want to believe

in sugarplum fairies
and Santa Claus.

Then life kind of
gets in the way.

Yeah. Yeah, I know
what you mean.

Do you?

Ahem. Excuse me.

- Oh, uh, hey,
I got you something.
- Yeah?

Yeah, you know,
for Christmas.

Hmm.
Is it ticking?

Come on, open it.

Oh.

Oh, it's adorable.

Oh, I don't know
what to say.

Eh, well,
don't say anything.

Here you go.

Let me show you your room.

Our room.

Come on, darling.

The bathroom is
the first door
on the right.

- Here you go.
- Thank you.

Wow.

Honey,
doesn't this remind you

of that cute little B and B
we stayed at up in Tahoe?

Well, if you
need extra blankets,
they're in the closet.

- Okay, thank you.
- Good night.

Good night.

So you wanna leave...

leave.

George and Vincent
are right outside.

I'm sure they'd be happy
to give you a ride.

I think I'll stay
right here.

Okay, fine.

So, uh,
what's your preference?

About?

Do you prefer the right side
or the left?

Very funny.
You're a funny guy.

Oh, what?
You think I'd try anything
with you like that?

I wouldn't put it past ya
as long as I had a pulse.

Yeah, well,
even if I did try anything,

it would only be
for your benefit.

Excuse me?

Yeah, yeah.

I've heard all about
you pregnant women

who are close
to giving birth.

You get all
kinds of crazy

and you like a man
to attend to your,
you know, needs.

If I was climbing the walls
insane with desire,

you'd be the last man
I'd even consider.

Okay, okay.

You made your point.

You know, sometimes
you're not a very nice person.

Wow. That hurt.

Coming from a hit man.

Okay, well,
I'm going to bed.

No, no, no, no, no.
You're not going to bed.

You are sleeping
on the floor.

- On the floor?
- On the floor.

Okay, look,

I would sleep
on the floor if that's
what you really want--

Believe me,
that is what
I really want.

I can't.
I can't sleep
on the floor.

Doctor's orders.

I got allergies.

Fine.

But you stay
way over there.

And none of these clothes
are coming off.

I swear to God,
if you try anything...

Yeah, well,
you got nothing
to worry about.

Can I get
a kiss good night?

I'd rather have
morning sickness.

Okay, why do you
gotta say that?

I mean, why do you got to
hurt my feelings like that?

- Do you even
have feelings?
- Well, do you?

How do you think
I got into this situation
in the first place?

You know what?
Go to sleep.

I am warning you,
I bite.

- Really?
- Good night.

Shut the light off.

You moved.

I told you
not to move.

My arm fell asleep.

Cut it off.

( whispers )
Joey.

So I, uh,
I changed my mind.

You know,
if you wanna...

you know...

( snoring )

- Huh?
- Let's go.

( car starts )

George:
All righty.

- Joey:
Are we good?
- George:
Locked and loaded.

Need a lift?

- Hey, thanks for stopping.
- No problem.

( beeping )

Hey, Joey,
I owe you an apology.

For a minute back there,

I thought
you'd fallen for her.

- Happy holidays.
- Same to you.

( phone rings )

- Hello?
- Yeah, hey, Murray.

Oh, hello, Mrs. C.

Murray's not here.

Can I help you, Joseph?

Uh, yeah, could you
give him a message?

Tell him we think we found
that Christmas gift
he was looking for.

A gift?
What's the gift?

Uh, I really
can't tell you.

It's supposed to be
a surprise.

Oh, well,
I love surprises.

Just tell me, is this
a Christmas gift for me?

Uh, look, I really
can't tell you, Mrs. C.

Oh, come on.
It's Shirley.

Just give me a hint.

Where you picking
this gift up?

Neiman's? Cartier?

It's a little place
called the Aztec in Pahrump.

What?

Mrs. C, yeah,
just give him the message,
would ya, sweetheart?

Yeah, I'll tell him, honey.

All right,
thanks, hon.

- I didn't--
- What's the matter with you?

Hey, you don't need to raise
your hand to me, all right?

It's-- ow, ow!

- Hello?
- Mary:
About time.

- Hey, Stella.
- Hello, Jake.

( door closes )

Baby, I'm so glad
to see you.

Hey, sweetheart.

Come on.

There, baby.

What?

What?
What's the matter?

If you knew what
I have been through...

Oh, sweetheart,
I know.

I know and I want to hear
all about it.

Okay?

I do.

But first things first,
hon.

Did you bring it?

The disc.

That's what
you ask me first?

Not how am I
or how's the baby?

Look, babe,
you know all that stuff
goes without saying.

- You know I love you.
- ( sighs )

You know I love kids,
all right?

We just need this
insurance policy,
all right?

- Just in case Murray
comes after us.
- Oh, he tried.

What?

Yeah.
He sent three wise guys.

So where are they?

( sighs )

What, you got away
from them, hmm?

( laughs )

Couldn't have been
the wisest of wise guys.

Or maybe I'm smarter
than you think.

Hey, ahem,
excuse me.

Did I ever say
you were dumb, ever, huh?

Why would you
even say that?

Why would you even say that,
baby? Come here.

Hmm?

You know
I don't think that.

Angel.

So where is it, huh?

This really is
all you care about,
isn't it?

What are you
talking about?

If you gave
a damn about me,

you wouldn't have
gotten me involved.

You would have kept
me and the baby
out of it, Jake.

And I would have
if there would have been
any other way, Stella.

- All right?
- It's Mary.

You gotta believe me on this,
but what is that?

- This?
- Yeah, this.

This is a present.

- A present?
A present from who?
- No one.

It's one of the wise guys.

Wise guys?

Excuse me.

- Murray Crown says hello.
- Hey, fellas.

I should have known.
Even your presents are poison.

Yeah, yeah.
Where's the disc?

Look, fellas,
I don't know how much
Murray's paying you, but--

Hey, hey! Wait a minute!
Back pocket, back pocket,
back pocket!

- Give it to him.
- Hey, I got it.

- All right?
- All right, shut up now.

You didn't think
we'd give you back
the real disc, did you?

Okay, what now?

- Now we take you to Murray.
- Why bother?

Why don't you go ahead
and kill us both right now
and get it over with?

- Hey, wait a minute!
- Hey.

You aren't the father
of the child.

- All right,
all right, let's go.
- ( sighs )

Let's go.
Get up.

- Let 'em go.
- What?

I just schlepped
all the way from Vegas,
don't make me ask twice.

So, uh, what brings you
to Pahrump, Mrs. C?

It is Shirley, remember?

What do you want?

For now,
I would like everybody
to just sit down.

- George: Sit down.
- Vincent: Yeah.

- You just told me to stand.
- You heard her.

- Sit down.
- Thank you.
Thank you.

Now, I brought cookies.

Here, honey,
have a cookie.

I haven't put
any arsenic in these...

yet.

Jake, I'm sure
you need a cookie.

Sure.
Does Murray know
we're here?

If he did,
your heart would be
in your throat, literally.

All right.

You asked me what I want,

I want Murray.

He may be a fool,
but he is my fool.

And I have to keep him safe

from the feds and from you.

Especially from you.

Mrs. Crown,
I swear, he's all yours.
You can have him.

I don't love Murray.
Murray doesn't love me.

Save the saccharine, doll.

As long as he thinks that
that baby is his,

he will never let go.

That is why I cannot let them
bring you back to Vegas.

So what are you saying,
Mrs. C?

Do you want us to...

No.

As much as I'd like to,
Murray would never forgive me.

So here's what
we're gonna do.

You are gonna write Murray
another letter.

And you are gonna tell him
that that baby is not his

and that you will take
a paternity test to prove it.

Do this, not only
will you and Jake
and the baby

live to see
another Christmas,

but I am gonna
throw in

a very nice
going-away present.

- Hey.
- What are you doing?

Now, that is enough for you
to make a fresh start

far away from Murray.

Start writing,
sweetheart.

Hey.
( whistles )

Let's go.
What are you waiting on?

Mary, Mary,
don't do this.

Joey,
let go of my arm.

Listen, Mrs. C,

Shirley.

Could I get a minute
with her?

Joey.

Please.

All right.
Make it quick.

All right.

- What-- what are you doing?
- All: Shut your mouth.

So you leave with this guy
and then what?

Well, then Jake and I
get the money

and this baby
will have a future.

Ah, come on.

You really think
this schmuck's gonna
stick around?

What's my alternative?

I go back to Murray?

No, no, it doesn't
have to be either-or.

Okay.

Well,
what's my third choice?

Who's gonna help me
raise this baby?

- Mary, I--
- You what?

- Joey, what?
- I can help you.

I got money.

Yeah?

Well, unless you have
something else to offer...

- Mary...
- No.

No, no, no.

- It's Stella.
- ( sighs )

All right,
you boys got the disc?

You better get back to Vegas.
Murray's waiting for it.

Yes, but Murray wanted us
to bring the two of them back.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'll take care of Murray.
You guys just get going.

- Come on. Come on.
- You sure?

Yeah, I'm just gonna
stay here and make sure
she does her scribbling.

Vincent:
You want the cookies, Mrs. C?

Shirley:
No, you keep 'em.

Hey, uh...

I hope the three of you
will be very happy.

Merry Christmas.

You keep writing.

I'm gonna be right back.

Hey, guys.

Guys, come here.

You know,
I really want you to know

how much I appreciate
all your help.

And to show you how much
I appreciate it,

there will be a nice
Christmas bonus in all
of your bank accounts.

- Thank you.
- Yeah, thanks, Mrs. C.

- It's Shirley, doll.
- Yeah, Shirley, doll.

- Yeah, thanks a lot
for the cookies.
- Yeah, okay.

Hey, Joey,
come here.

So why didn't
you tell her?

Tell her what?

( sighs )

And you call yourself
a wise guy.

Joey.

Murray's wise guys
go bye-bye?

- Yeah.
- Good.

Change of plans, Mrs. C.

Oh, crap.

Or is it Shirley?

It's Mrs. Crown.

( sighs )
Jake.

What time's that flight leave?
Excellent.

Thank you.

They got me on the red-eye.
All right.

Get to spend Christmas,
after all, with the family.

How wonderful for you.

What's the matter, Georgie?
Got the holiday blues?

Need a hug, pal?

- Huh?
- I don't think so.

You know what you should do?
You should come home with me
for Christmas.

You, too, Joey.
We got lots of room.

Thanks, Vincent,
but I got people
waiting for me.

He's got people.

What's her name?

You sure you won't
change your mind?

- Thanks anyway.
- All right, killer.

- Have a merry.
- Say hi to Delores for me.

I will.
She'll be disappointed.

- Merry Christmas, Vincent.
- Thanks a lot, Joey.

- Take care, kid.
- I'll see you soon.

- Change your mind,
let me know.
- All right.

- We got plenty of room.
- Thank you.

Time to see Murray.

- Where should I drop you?
- Doesn't matter.

- Any place
with holiday spirits.
- Fair enough.

It's from a friend.

I, uh, could play
hard to get,

but what the hell,
it's Christmas, right?

'Tis the season.

- You look like you could
use some holiday cheer.
- Ah...

So what do you say
we go back to my place?

Maybe hang my stockings
by the chimney with care.

- Then...
- Those are great stockings.

And you're beautiful.

( whispers )
And tonight...

you know, I could
really use the company.

So what do you say?

I'd say I'm probably going to
hate myself in the morning.

( laughs )
I hope so.

Merry Christmas.

( cell phone ringing )

- Yeah, George.
-Leo's talking.

When did he wake up?

-
You get Vincent.
- No, no, no.

Tell Murray I'm on it.

Holy Christmas.

( siren blaring )

- Raul.
- Woman:
Sheriff, join us.

-
Have a little champagne.
- Here.

- Cheers.
- I don't know
about champagne.

- Woman:
How about a cookie?
- A cookie will be just fine.

( machine beeping )

Boo.

( gasps )

Leo, Leo, Leo, Leo.

Are you gonna be
a good boy?

Look, I screwed up.
I know I screwed up,

but Murray's got nothing
to worry about, I swear.

I wouldn't rat him out.

What were you thinking, huh?
Giving her that disc?

I was worried about her.

When she took up with
that Marley joker,

I thought Murray
was gonna go nuts.

I thought he was
gonna hurt her.

I couldn't
let that happen.

I didn't want nothing bad
to happen to her.

( machine beeping faster )

Yeah, I know the feeling.

So she got to you, too, huh?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking she's a good kid.
A sweet kid.

Eh, she's nothing
but trouble.

No, she's in trouble.

Well, not anymore.

Shirley fixed that.

She gave Mary and Marley
enough money to live
happily ever after.

Happily ever after?

You think Marley loves her?

No.

He's only using her.

I tried to tell her that
from the very beginning.

Now that Marley's got his money,
he'll probably dump her
in the desert.

Leave her high and dry.

Why should I care
what happens to her?

'Cause you already do.

I'm not in love with her.

- Who says you were?
- I'm not.

-( machine
beeping irregularly )
- ( groaning, gasping )

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Leo, Leo, Leo.

What the hell are you doing?

Are you dying?

Leo, you can't die.
I was supposed to kill you.

-( machine flatlining )
- Woman:
Crash cart to 15 north,
code blue.

Crash cart to 15 north,
code blue.

Got it.

Right here.

- All right, surging.
- Paddles.

- Clear.
- All right.

Man:
One, two, three.

Man:
These are happy times.

Woman:
Merry Christmas.

( cell phone ringing )

- Yeah, George.
-
Shirley's missing.

- What?
-
Get downstairs.

Vincent:
What a Christmas.
I was almost on the plane.

- So how's my friend Leo?
- Leo's not a problem anymore.

I didn't think
you had it in you.

Ye of little faith.

Pahrump.
I hate drummers.

Yeah,
you and me both.

I really shouldn't be here.
I should be home
with the family.

- ( line ringing )
- Man:
Hello?

- Okay, I got the money.
- The whole 250K?

Yes. Of course.

Uh, excuse me?

That's it?

Hell, I was willing to go 250
just to get rid of the skirt.

That's all that cheap bastard
is gonna cough up for
the both of us?

Hey, what the hell's
she doing? Tell her
to shut the hell up.

You give me that.

Just tell him from me--

- forget it.
- Forget what?

This whole fiasco.

I would rather die

than go on living
and believing that
my Murray

would only come up with
a buck and a quarter for me.

- He's paying 250.
- There's two of us, you yutz.

- Murray:
Shirley,
you're killing me!
- You got a point.

- Oh.
- Hey, Murray.

Yeah, forgot about the ante,
buddy.

I'm gonna need another
buck 25.

Murray:
No, no, no.
You can't do that.

We had a deal
and it's Christmas Eve.

Hey, it's not me, Murray.
It's your blushing bride here.

It's the principle
of the thing.

Can you hear me, Murray?

They can hear you
in Reno, Shirley!

Okay, 375.

Where do I take it?

Okay, uh, you know
the old horse track
just north of town?

-
Yes.
- Okay, well,
I want you to go there.

Yeah.
And you better go alone,

Murray,
'cause I'm nervous.

- Yeah, and nervous is
when people get hurt.
- Oh, please.

So go alone,
Murray.

I'd hate to have
to leave these two
under the Christmas tree.

- Ha!
- Oh, say hello to Murray.

- Hello, Murray.
- Stella, baby.

Murray!

- All right, all right.
- Jake: Let's go.

Stay.

You know what,
you little pisher?

You've been banging
those bongos too long.

I think it shook
something loose
in your brain.

- Yeah, manna from heaven.
- ( groaning )

You actually think that
you are gonna pull this off?

You know what?
I wish there was
a bookie around here.

I would lay
1,000 to 1 against you.

Well, you know what?
You're forgetting something.

I'm already holding Murray's
pair of queens.

Open the door.

- Get in.
- Oh, you're a genius.

- Get in.
- Make the pregnant lady scoot.

- Scoot over.
- Couldn't you get a sedan?

- Shut up and get in.
- Oh, God.

Gee, honey,
you really know
how to pick 'em.

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Crown.
- Yeah, you should be.

I am.
I made a mistake.

Story of my life.

Think I'm without sin?

-
( door closes )
-
( engine starts )

( beeping )

George:
They're heading east.

Just keep going straight.

Out.

- Come on.
- ( groans )

Stay.

- Out.
- No.

- No?
- I am not hopping
another step.

Go ahead. Shoot me.

Okay. Okay.

- There. Happy?
- Now go get her.

- ( chuckles )
- You think this is funny,
don't you?

- You have got to
be kidding me.
- What?!

If you think
I'm walking in the dirt

in my brand-new Manolos,
you are dumber than I thought.

- So take 'em off.
- Yeah, I'd like to cram them--

You know what, Mrs. C?
You're really starting
to worry me.

Oh, well, then you're not
as dumb as I thought

because you
should be worried.

You should be
passing pickles.

I'm worried that you're such
a pain in the butt

that Murray may decide
he doesn't want you back.

- He'd rather keep the money.
- Yeah, well, don't bet on it,
Einstein.

- My Murray loves me.
- God help him.

- ( groans )
- So are you sure about that?

- About what?
- About Murray loving you.

- Excuse me?
- It's just that he sent me

the most beautiful
diamond bracelet
last week.

Now, look,
Murray sends diamonds
when he's feeling guilty.

Now, if he loves you,
he's gonna send you flowers.

- Has he sent you flowers yet?
- Oh, he's sent me flowers.

He sent me flowers
and he sent me pearls.

He sends pearls when
he's forgotten to call.

He doesn't forget
to call me.

He will.

Oh, you know what?

If I didn't have
these cuffs on...

Oh, really?
Well, if I didn't
have my cuffs on...

- Oh, yeah?
- Oh, yeah!

Son of a...

Ladies.

Joey:
Hey, what just happened?

I don't know.
It just went dead.

- Come on, George,
let's fix it.
- I can't.

What do I look like,
a computer repair man?

Oh,
marrón.
Do you see what
I'm seeing?

Hmm?

Follow that star.

What'd you say?

Just do it.

Okay, I'm here.

Oh, my goodness.

Oh!

Hold on, Murray.

( screams )

What the hell was that?!

- Next time, I aim, ladies.
- Huh?

Now move inside.

Let's go!

Listen, Marley, you hurt
one hair on their heads,
I'm gonna break your--

Relax, Murray,
no one's been hurt.
Now where are you?

I'm right next to
your piece-of-crap car.

Good boy, Murray.

Now come on inside.

Take a left,
your first right,
we're in the middle stalls.

We tried, Mrs. C.

You did great, honey.

Please, call me Shirley.

That's far enough.

Now what, genius?

Now we wait.

( both groan )

Season's greetings.

'Kay, uh,
put the briefcase down.

Put it down!

Now move away from it.

Come on.

All right, all right.

All right,
I want you to take
the handcuffs off.

All right.

Okay, Stella,
I want you to go over to it,
I want you to look inside.

- Come on.
- All right.

Give me the key.
Give me the key.

Nice try.

( groans )

Jake:
Is there money in there?

It look like a lot of money?

I love Christmas.

Well done.

This money-- this money
just bought you Stella.

Take a hike.

And you're gonna buy me
a little time.

- Come on,
you're coming with me.
- Like hell I am.

- You're coming
with me or else--
- Or else what?

Oh. Oh, no.

No, no. You shoot me,
she doesn't live to see
New Year's, Murray.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God!
- What, what? What is it?

She's going into labor.
Murray, help me.

- Don't shoot her.
-
Come here, help her.

Come on.
Murray, put it down.

- Mary: Oh, no!
- Ah, the hell with it.

- Murray, pick her up.
Come on.
- Okay.

Pick her up.
Follow me.

In here. Here we go.

- It's okay.
- Here we go.
It'll be okay.

- She's gonna be all right.
- What do I do?

- Yeah, I hope that hurt.
-
( Mary groaning )

- Shirley: Breathe, breathe.
- Is she all right?

Yeah, she's having the baby.

- We better get
her to a hospital.
- No, there's no time.

Here,
get these off of me.

George, come here.
Get me out of these things.

- Hey, Vince,
what do we do?
- I don't know.

What do you mean
you don't know?!
You got like 17 kids!

Hey, Delores had the kids.
I just handed out the cigars.

- We better call an ambulance!
- It's too late! It's...

-
( Mary groaning continues )
- That baby's on its way.

All right.
Okay, uh...

Joey, just lean down here
and hold on to her.

-
Come on.
- Go ahead, kid, go ahead.

- All right.
- Have you ever done this
before, Mrs. C?

Are you kidding me?
She was a nurse when I met her.

Remember, honey?
You had that really sexy--

Murray, get your mind
out of your pants.

- Go find a towel or something.
- Towel, towel, towel, towel!
Towel, towel, towel.

( groaning continues )

Okay, good. Good, good.

Sweetheart,
you do realize...

I know.
That kid ain't mine.
I know that, honey.

Joey:
How you doing, Mary?

Amateur.

Now you're gonna push,
sweetheart. You ready?

Keep breathing.
That's good.

You're going to do one, two,
three, and then push, okay?

- You're doing great.
- All right, now, honey,

one, two, three,

- push!
- ( screaming )

We got it!

Oh, jeez!

-
( baby crying )
- Bingo.

- It's a boy.
- It's a boy?

What are you doing?

- Are you okay?
- Yeah.

Oh, my God.

It's a boy.

- Joey, look at him.
- I am.

Joey.

Hey, Georgie,
you gotta admit,
it's a miracle, huh?

- You know
I love you, don't ya?
- Yeah, I know.

I'm sorry.
I'm such a damn fool.

Can you please forgive me?

Yes.

- But, you know,
tonight is gonna cost you.
- Oh, I know.

- No, I'm talking diamonds.
- Of course.

- Ooh, maybe a cruise.
- A cruise would be nice.

What are you doing?

Giving the baby a gift.

Hey, buddy.

Don't worry,
it's real gold.

Hey, um...

this is so he'll always
have some spice in his life.

You know what
you can give him?

What's that?

- You can give him his name.
- Jesus.

- Will you look at that?
- Wow.

It's snowing
in the desert.

Look, honey.

What time is it?

It's midnight.

Merry Christmas, baby.

Merry Christmas, baby.

( music playing )