Those Daring Young Men in Their Jaunty Jalopies (1969) - full transcript

Halt! Who is going there?

A friend is going there.

What are we calling the password?

We are calling the password "curry powder."

Pass. Curry powder.

- The king emperor.
- The king emperor.

Right. Carry on.

Thank you.

I say, Barrington. Good news.

- More action, sir?
- Better than that.

- My entry's been accepted for the Monte.
- Oh, wiz-wiz, sir!



You know what this means? If I win,
my inventions will become world-famous.

Oh, another wiz-wiz, sir!

The Dawlish military klaxon!

The Dawlish exhaust extractor

combined with tire inflator.

With your brilliant brain, sir,
I can see absolutely nothing to stop you.

- Very nicely put, Barrington.
- Thank you, sir.

You realize that when I
become a millionaire

there'll always be a job
for you at my side.

Thank you, sir.

- In a junior capacity, of course.
- Of course, sir.

- I think you know the test.
- I think so, sir.

- Mr. Mess President...
- There's no need to shout, Barrington.

- There's only the two of us in here.
- Sorry, sir.



Mr. Mess President, the toast is...

the Monte Carlo Rally.

- The Monte.
- The Monte.

- The Monte!
- The Monte!

- The Monte!
- The Monte!

~ Get out the jalopy ~

~ And polish the wheels ~

~ She's gotta be the smartest
of the automobiles ~

~ Polish the paintwork ~

~ And clean off the rust ~

~ They won't see our chassis for dust ~

~ And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest ~

~ Everyone will know that our jalopy is best ~

~ They'll have to admit ~

~ She's a car you can trust ~

~ So it's Monte Carlo or bust ~

~ As we drive along the Bois de Boulogne ~

~ With an independent front suspension ~

~ Every kind of new invention ~

~ Any old thing you'd care to mention ~

~ As we hold the crowd's attention ~

~ We'll look around with condescension ~

~ Mixed with a little apprehension ~

~ Monte Carlo or bust
Monte Carlo or bust ~

~ We're on our way to Monte Carlo ~

~ Although francais we cannot parlons ~

~ We hear the French are very pally ~

~ And we're gonna win the rally ~

~ So we're sure to be the
toast of Monte Carlo ~

~ Get out the jalopy ~

~ And polish the wheels ~

~ She's gotta be the smartest
of the automobiles ~

~ Polish the paintwork ~

~ And clean off the rust ~

~ They won't see our chassis for dust ~

~ And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest ~

~ Everyone will know that our jalopy is best ~

~ They'll have to admit ~

~ She's a car you can trust ~

~ So it's Monte Carlo or bust ~

~ My suspension ~

~ Monte Carlo ~

~ Or bust ~

Oh, hard cheese, sir.

Anything wrong, Carter?

Rather bad news for Cuthbert Ware-Armitage.

Oh, good.

You haven't seen him, I suppose?

- Yes. He just played off the 18th tee.
- Thank you very much.

- I say!
- Yes?

- Ware-Armitage?
- Yes? Yes?

I'm afraid I'm the bearer
of some very sad news.

- Really?
- Your father.

Sir Percy. Been killed in an accident.

Oh. Crashed his flying machine, I suppose.

Kept telling him to buy a new one.
He was too bally mean.

Still, I suppose that's the way
he would have wanted to go, eh?

Would you chaps mind very much
if I had a few moments with my thoughts?

Poor chap. He's taking it very bravely.

I gather it was all over in a minute.

Well, shall we carry on with the game?

I'm sure that's what the dear old pater
would have wanted.

You're not serious.
The matter must be abandoned.

Abandoned? We've got a five on it.
Don't you remember?

Come on.
You look for your ball, I'll look for mine.

I say! My ball's right here!

What a bit of jam.

My dear fellow,
playing golf after a tragedy like this,

well, it isn't cricket.

Look, my dear old fruit,
it may be a tragedy to you,

but it certainly isn't to me.

Don't you realize,
I inherit the title, the estate,

the chairmanship of Ware-Armitage,
the whole caboodle.

I'm rich! I am stinking, ruddy-well rich!

I say, it's certainly my day!

- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning. Get in.

By Jove, Perkins!

The place has certainly brightened up a bit
since I was here last.

Oh, we do our best, sir. We...

And to think it's all mine.

- Not exactly all yours, sir.
- What are you talking about?

- Actually, it's only half yours.
- What do you mean, "half"?

Well, some time ago,
when you were in foreign parts,

your dear father suffered a loss,
unusual even for him.

What?

I don't know the details, but apparently he lost
half the share in the factory in a game of poker.

Just a minute. The pater never lost.

By default, sir. He had six cards
in his hand instead of five.

Ghastly.

Being caught, I mean.

Well, who won?

A Mr. Chester Schofield, sir, from Detroit.

And a bit of a nuisance.

He's practically taken
over the whole works,

trying to inject American know-how.

- What, do you mean he's here now?
- Oh, yes. He's been here for six months.

Works day and night, night and day,
and doesn't take a penny in salary.

Well, as long as he's
increasing the profits.

There aren't going to be
any profits this year, sir.

What?

Mr. Schofield's policy is one of expansion.

He's invested every penny we've got
in new plants.

- And he's raised all salaries.
- No!

Now, if you please, he's engaged
in redesigning the Nifty-Nine.

Looks as though I've arrived in the nick
of time. Where is this blighter now?

Well, now he'll be in here, sir.

Come on.

- What's that row?
- That's another of the Yankee's ideas, sir.

- Music while you work.
- Not worth the needle. Come on.

Damn silly idea. Never catch on.

Just a minute! Who's been having
a picnic off Dad's Nifty-Nine?

Sorry, Dad. Won't happen again.

Hi, Perky. Who's the greaseball?

Cuthbert Ware-Armitage, baronet.
Which means you call me "sir."

It's certainly a pleasure to make your
acquaintance, Sir Cutty, sir. Put it there.

Schoolboy buzzer. Outrageous.

- Perkins, this is my partner?
- I'm afraid so. Yes, sir.

May I introduce Mr. Chester Schofield II.

The second?
You mean there are two of them?

Hi. Come here, Cutty baby.

Come here! Let me show you something.
Relax, will ya.

Take a look at that baby.
Isn't she beautiful?

We're gonna call it the Triple "S."

We're really going places, you and I.
Zowie!

Yes, to the workhouse.

Perkins, do we have to
have this bloody row?

What's the matter, sweetheart?
Don't you like it? I'll fix it.

No self-respecting Englishman
would be seen dead in that monstrosity.

It doesn't even look like a motorcar. It
looks more like an upholstered roller skate.

It's the first and the last we make.
Perkins, see to it.

Keep your throttle open, partner.
We're 50-50, remember?

Yes, and my 50 percent says it's got
to stop. And see to it, Perkins.

Perhaps Mr. Schofield
would like to sell you back his shares.

Yeah. Sure.

For a cool half a million simoleons.

Now, if you haven't got
that kind of mazuma, how...

I'll tell you what.

Pick a card. Any card you like.
It makes no difference.

Go ahead, pick any card you like.

- Queen of spades, right?
- Right. It was.

Watch this one, baby. Ace of hearts.

It's gone.

Here it is.

Tell you what we're going to do, you and I.
Why don't we play one hand of poker.

Five-card stud.

Winner... take all.

What, play cards with you?
I'd rather have played with my own father.

Okay, tinhorn, it's all the same to me.

Fifty-fifty.

How am I going to get
out of this nightmare?

Perkins, are we too late to enter
for the Monte Carlo Rally this year?

No, sir, but we've always
thought it wiser to stay out.

Why?

Well, since your father
was requested to return the trophy.

Yes, he was very careless that year.
Still, nothing to do with me.

I say, Schofield, old bean,

I think I've thought of a way
in which we can find out

which is the best man and the best machine
for the welfare of this firm.

We'll both enter for the Monte.

You drive the roller skate
and I'll drive the Nifty-Nine.

The winner takes all. Fair enough?

What is this Monte? Some kind of a race?

No, it isn't a race.

It's more of an endurance test
run under strict rules.

1,500 miles

on the most diabolical of roads.

In the most inclement weather

In Europe

And finishing in Monte Carlo

God! God!

Well, Schofield,
are you man enough to take me on?

Sure, but are you, Cutty baby?

I certainly am. And so is Perkins.

Me?

Well, you'd like a nice trip to la
belle France, wouldn't you, Perkins?

Yes, if I can get permission
from Mrs. Perkins.

- You leave her to me.
- I wish I could.

Well, Schofield, is it a deal?

It's a deal, MacNeil!

Zowie!

Do you think he's got a chance, sir?

Against a Ware-Armitage?

Don't be bally ridiculous.

Come on!

Let's go.

Go! Quickly! Quickly!

Horst Muller.

German sports car
enthusiast from Argentina.

Very popular with the ladies.

It's like I'm twins!

Exactly.

Herr Muller has entered a car
in the Monte Carlo Rally,

and you are going to drive it.

- Will not Herr Muller object?
- It is unlikely.

Herr Muller...

is at the bottom of the lake.

Your co-driver will be Otto Schwartz.

Oh! Otto!

- You know him?
- Oh, ja!

I met him very often in prison.

You will start with the
group from Stockholm.

Shortly before you leave,
six spare tires will be delivered to you.

The stuff will be concealed
in the fourth tire from the top, here.

May I inquire what the stuff is?

Do not be impertinent.

You will pass through four customs.

Sweden, Denmark, Germany and France.

You need have no fear.

Customs officers will go out of their way

for rally drivers.

And in any case, who would be
so primitive or so elementary

as to try and deceive them, I ask you?

Only our beloved chief,

His Excellency, Count Levinovitch,

late of the czar's own imperial guard.

Come here one moment, Schickel.

Is it true that
you are having the reputation

of being the most fast driver
in the underworld?

That is what they say, Excellency.

Then I must remind you,

the Monte Carlo Rally is not a race.

You will proceed

at the speed set each day
by the organizers

and make yourself
as inconspicuous as possible.

I suggest you arrive at
the finish in, say...

the 26th position.

And on no account

allow yourself

at any time to be photographed.

I understand, Excellency.

Twenty-sixth position, no photographs.

But excuse me, Excellency.

What's with money, huh?

If you are successful,

you will live like a czar.

And if not,

you will be joining Herr Muller

at the bottom of the lake.

Marcello! Marcello!

What's that?

It's true?

I got it! I got it! I got it!

Give me the bicycle! I really got it!

Come on! Come on!
Let me through! I got it!

This is my day, everybody!

I got it! I got it!

Vigile Rosti reporting, Vigile brigadiere.

Marcello, at last.

At last we have won a prize
in tombola nazionale.

10,000 lire.

5,000 each!

Now I buy the nice little house,

find the nice little wife
with the nice, big...

And have lots of nice little bambinos.

Un momento, un momento. Not so fast.

You want to be a miserable, underpaid
policeman all the rest of your life?

I don't mind, if I've got
the nice little wife with the nice, big...

You've got to mind!

Don't you want to be the very most
important racing driver in the world?

No. That's what you want to be.

All right, you can be the "secondary"
most important racing driver in the world.

You like that, no?

I prefer the nice little
wife with the nice...

Anyway, I can't drive.

I can't drive.

All right, you can learn.

How I gonna learn to drive
when I haven't got a car?

How's about that, huh?

Just look at it.

The most beautiful car in the world.

And it's yours and mine.
All paid for, 50-50.

You've spent my money without asking me?

I want my money! It was my money!

I want my 50.

I want my 50, Angelo! My 50...

Marcello Rosti! Attenti!

You are my best friend, Si?

Yes, but...

If I don't buy that car,

you know what happens to me?

I have to marry the maresciallo's daughter.

Do you have to?

How else am I going to get promotion?

Do you want to marry her?

No. I want a nice girl
with the nice, big...

And that is what I'm going to get for you.

When I'm as famous a driver as Nuvolari...

and you are as famous a driver
as Malcolm Campbell,

we'll have all the girls we want.

How are we going to become the most
famous racing drivers in the world?

That's a good question.

First, we enter the car
in the Monte Carlo Rally.

And...

we are gonna win it.

And then?

Then we enter the Mille Miglia and...

And we're gonna win it! And we're...

How are we gonna win it
when you can't drive?

Who says I can't drive?

I've been studying that
book for three years.

First, you switch on the engine.
Second, you put in the clutch.

Move the gear into first...

Oh, no!

Assassins! Murderers!

Every bone in my body is broken!

It is entirely your fault.

Women drivers!

I might have known.

You should never be
permitted on the streets!

Police! Police!

- Let me talk to the police!
- Oh, my leg!

So many witnesses for us!

Be careful. Be careful!

This one, it's even worse.

What is it?

I told you I was not to be disturbed.

I'm dying.

Among those waiting to see
you, sir, is a doctor.

- A doctor?
- I thought perhaps...

Send him in.

I hope he is not too late.

Oh, Doctor.

Doctor, look.

But my ankle is worse.

Worse.

You?

How dare you! Road hog!

I came to see you about our entry form.

In the absence of the organizer,
would you sign it, please?

No, no, never. Never!
Not in a million years!

Since I am a doctor,

perhaps you will allow me.

No, no, no.

Let go. Take your hands off me.

I don't approve of women doctors
any more than I approve of women drivers,

and I will not sign your entry form...

You did that deliberately?

Yes, I did. I must find out
if any damage has occurred.

Is there any rule that says
a woman's team cannot enter?

You have neither the strength,
the stamina nor the ability.

Women should be...

feminine at all times.

Take off your trousers!

What? I will do nothing of the sort.

You do not seem to have heard
that women have been emancipated.

- What?
- We vote.

We work in offices and factories.

What are you doing?

We fly aeroplanes, we sail boats
and we drive cars.

Help! Help! Help!

I'm as good at driving, monsieur,
as I am at medicine!

Sit down.

Please.

It doesn't seem to hurt anymore.

Of course it doesn't. You're cured.

Now perhaps you will sign our entry form.

- I have no pen.
- There's one here, monsieur.

May I give you a lift anywhere?

No, no, no, you may not, madam.

Now, I must tell you
that for this year's rally

competitors from 15 different countries

will be taking part.

And there will be five starting points.

Forty-eight drivers will start
from John O'Groats in Scotland,

35 from Stockholm in Sweden,

25 from Athens in Greece,

30 from Ragusa in Sicily

and 18 from Lisbon in Portugal.

From John O'Groats they
will take this route.

From Stockholm, this route.

From Athens, this route.

From Ragusa, this route.

And from Lisbon, this route.

They will all meet,

if they are lucky enough,

in the French Alps at Chambery.

Those competitors who survive...

will now all travel
the same route to Monte Carlo,

where they will finally
have to race against each other.

Oh, look! They are
starting at John O'Groats!

Bonne route!

We are going to start any minute!

Hello, Schofield, old fruit.
Anything wrong?

Oh, the whole kit and caboodle. Holy
mackerel. Do you know what happened to me?

My driver went ahead and got himself
a case of the... Excuse me.

I say, do you mind?
I've just had breakfast.

Yeah, well, you can see that I can't
possibly take him in the car with me.

Well, of course you can't.

I say, what really rotten hard cheese.

Needless to say, I didn't expect to win
our wager in this way, but there you are.

If you collect your things from the factory
and send me back those 50 shares...

Just a minute, Sir Cutty.
I haven't lost anything. I'm not giving up.

I'll just get myself another co-driver.

Too late to register another
co-driver, old fruit. Bad show.

Well, like Lindy, I'll
go it alone, that's all.

Alone?

1,500 miles of the worst roads in Europe.

It's impossible.

- Who won the war?
- We did, Schofield.

And don't you jolly well forget it.
But still, I do admire your pluck.

What rotten luck,
his co-driver going down like that.

Had nothing to do with luck.
Damn good planning.

Planning?

- You mean that you...
- Of course I did.

I have no intention whatsoever
of losing this contest.

How despicable.

You realize you leave me with no alternative
but to report this matter to the authorities.

Just a minute, Perkins,
you sanctimonious old blighter.

- Perhaps you'd like to report this as well.
- What?

It's a little thing I found
amongst the dear old pater's papers.

It's a dossier on you, actually,

compiled by the Sunbeam Detective Agency.

Detectives? Me?

Take this picture, for instance.

Isn't that you next to this girl
without any clothes on?

Taken at a fancy dress ball, perhaps.

Better get back in the car,
Adam, old fruit,

or the serpent might give you
a nip on the bum.

- Can any of you guys read a map?
- Look here, sir.

It's my duty to warn you, sir,
it's absolutely out of the question.

Is there anything in the regulations
that says I can't go it alone?

Well, I don't know.
I'll obviously have to go and look it up.

That damn fool Yankee
is going to go it alone!

Right, gentlemen. I think we've got
a few interesting devices for you here.

This is the Dawlish periscope
for seeing over hills.

This is a bit of a secret weapon.
It's gonna come in pretty useful.

This is the fog lamp. Especially penetrating.
Sees through anything, this can.

Here's the unique and, I think, rather
handsome Dawlish anti-pedestrian klaxon.

Otto, come, come!

Hurry with those tires!

Brought them as quick as I could.

Come on!

Let's get them on the car, Otto.

Careful.

Go away. Go. Go. Go.

I'll kill him!

I say, sir, did you hear
what that German chap called you?

Schweinehund, wasn't it?
What does that mean in English?

Good heavens!

I've got a very good mind to get out
and give him a damned good thrashing.

I wouldn't do that if I were you, sir.

- You wouldn't?
- No, sir.

In that case, I won't.

That's all of them. Here we are.

Just let me get my hands on you!

What are you playing at? Are you drunk?

Come out! I will hit you!

Oh! No photographs.

- He nipped off pretty smartly, didn't he, sir?
- Yes.

He could see it in my eyes that I was
going to give him a damned good thrashing.

I don't see anything in your eyes, sir.

Be careful, Willi.

We must not make ourselves conspicuous.

We win! We win!

This is the winning car!

Smile, please!

Back! Back!

Get ready! Get ready!

Get ready! Get ready, get ready!

- Oh, no!
- Oh, no, it's punctured!

- Help out.
- I'll get the jack.

We win! We...

Look, the poor girls!

Where are you going?

I'm going to help them.

Marcello, have you gone crazy?

You want to miss the start?

Who you want to be, the great lover
or the big racing driver?

Malcolm Campbell or Casanova?

Now, come on. Make up your mind.

I want to be Malcolm Campbell.

Well, get into the car,
you Malcolm Casanova.

The toolbox!
Don't forget the toolbox! Come on!

Come on! Give us a shove. Give us a push!

Get us a shovel!

- What's up, Perkins?
- The road's blocked.

Oh, yes. Better start digging, eh?

Aren't you gonna help?

Well, I'd really love to, Perkins,
but I don't want to get my boots dirty.

Well, I wonder if I could
just have a spot of that, sir.

Certainly not! You're driving!

- But it's very cold out here.
- Of course it is.

You've got the bloody door open.

Hey, you can't do that!

Start digging!

Zowie!

Blast!

Oh.

Oh!

Best of luck!

Ramasees!

Ramasees!

Ramasees!

Oh, I say!

You!

Laddie!

You haven't seen
a chestnut gelding, have you?

My horse.

I know it's jolly careless of me,
but I've lost it.

Oh!

No. No, I didn't see your horse.

Or your chestnut gelding.

How on earth am I going to get home?

- Oh, do you...
- Excuse me, but where do you live?

Bardsley Manor, back there.

Not more than ten, 15 miles.

Oh, I see.

Sure would like to take you back there,
but I'm on my way to Monte Carlo.

Monte Carlo? Oh, dear, no.
We don't live in that direction at all.

Would you like a shot?

Oh, no, thank you. I don't.

- Neither do I.
- But you...

I tell you, I-I'd like to help you out,
but I'm working against time.

- I'm on a rally.
- I quite understand.

It's a pity though,
because you could have...

Being an American, I'm sure you'd have
liked to see Bardsley. It's Elizabethan.

Oh, it is? It sounds really terrif,
but you see, I must be on my way.

Ah, yes, I understand.

It's a shame, because you could have
come to lunch and met my grandfather.

- He's a bishop, you know.
- Oh, a bishop, eh?

Well, um... Yeah.

Well, I-I'd love to meet him,
but you see, I really must be going.

That way.

Oh, well, I suppose I'll have to walk,
if I can walk 15 miles.

Uh, yeah...

- Cheery-bye.
- Uh, yeah, right.

Your, uh, Madameship...

Uh, Your Lady... Ma'am.

Excuse me. I've got a solution.

- What?
- Why don't I drive you to the nearest town?

- That's awfully kind of you!
- Then you could get yourself...

Yes. Okay? Well, hop in.

- By myself?
- Oh, excuse me.

Forgot you're a lady.

- There.
- Thank you.

- I do appreciate this.
- Comfy?

I know how much...

- He's got a bit of fluff with him.
- So I saw.

An unregistered passenger, if you ask me.

Lucky we spotted him. We can stop at the
next checkpoint and report him for cheating.

Right or left, Barrington?

Hold on, sir. Tell you in a minute.

Make up your mind, Barrington.

Which way?

Malmo that way, sir.

Where are we?

- Can't tell where we are!
- I'm looking!

Curious route to Malmo, Barrington.

A dash slippery.

Switch on the Dawlish snow-stoppers.

Snow-stoppers at the ready, sir.

Right!

Snow-stoppers switch on now!

Snow-stoppers
functioning properly, Barrington?

I should say not, sir.
They're wobbling, sir.

Try the switch again.

Snow-stoppers switched on again, sir!

Perhaps we should lower them
into the snow, sir.

Good thinking. On the command,
"Drop them," you will drop them.

Right. Get them down.

Snow-stoppers dropped!

Good.

Off, sir.

- Dropped off?
- Sir.

Right off?

Complete right off, sir.

Ah.

So much for the Dawlish snow-stoppers.

This is the shortcut to Malmo, sir.

- Is it?
- Yes, sir. Through there.

Remember, Willi, what he said.
Remain inconspicuous.

Leave us alone! Go away!

I can't steer on the ice!

Keep away!

- There will be an accident!
- Get away there!

I say, don't look now, sir, but old
Sausage and Sauerkraut is waving at us.

He is, is he? Well, ignore him.

I've no intention of hobnobbing with Jerry.

Look out, sir!

If that Hun does that once again,
do you know what I'm going to do?

- What, sir?
- Ram him.

- Ram him right up the...
- Khyber Pass, sir?

Willi, don't do anything stupid!

That's the last time I am ever following!

You are not only taking the wrong roads,

but you are turning and skidding
without making the proper signals!

I'm having the good mind
to kick you in the strudel puss!

Just you try.

I said, just you try!

What is a "strudel puss," Barrington?

I'll push you right off the lake!

Good. Now we can continue.

I think it's pretty clear
whose side the Lord's on, Barrington.

- England, sir?
- Naturally.

- I think we're mucking up their game, sir.
- Serves them right.

- They should be playing cricket.
- On ice, sir?

I think we hit one of their chaps, sir.

- On the contrary. He hit us.
- Oh, yes!

- Hey!
- Go away! Go away!

- Is this how you drive in Germany?
- Keep your car away!

Get off of my fender!

Sir!

What on earth is a bob-sleigh
doing on the road?

I suppose the same as us, sir...
en route to Malmo.

If these bob-sleigh wallahs don't stop
dawdling, we'll never make the checkpoint.

Get out of the way!

Get out of the way!

Better pinpoint our exact
position, Barrington.

A good soldier always knows
exactly where he is.

Certainly, sir.

Zero-four...

coordinate three-zero-two.

Soon be in Malmo, sir.

I think you've made
a slight miscalculation, Barrington.

I don't think so, sir.

Sir!

Perhaps the Good Lord is sending us
a nice surprise from heaven.

- What is...
- What happened?

It's a skier!

Otto!

Oh, reindeer!

Get away! Get away!

I think we are sinking.

- The tires!
- Stop!

We must catch it, Otto!

The tire!

We must catch it!

Come back, you crazy horse!

It looks like Mr. Schofield's
missed the boat, sir.

In more senses than one.
I thought he would.

Well, I suggest that you find a sheltered
corner of the deck and get some shut-eye.

- In the motorcar, perhaps.
- Thank you, sir. Will you be all right?

Oh, yes, I think so.
I'm just going up to my cabin.

Oh, how despicable.

Passport!

Wait!

Zowie!

- We made it. Are you all right, Betty?
- I think I am.

- I'd better check for damage.
- I wouldn't like it to happen every day.

Oh! We're at sea.

All drivers report on deck!

Darn, heck and H-E-double-L!

Well, what I was just trying to say was
that we're gonna have to stay up all night

and fix it before we get to Calais.

But I thought you said that everybody would
have a nice rest on the channel crossing.

Well, everybody else will, I guess.

I can see it's all my fault. I shouldn't have
persuaded you to stop for tea at Stamford.

Or cocktails at Maidstone.

You'll be glad to get rid of me, won't you?

Well, I wouldn't say that, princess.

Oh. Excuse me. I shouldn't call you
"princess," you being a lady.

As a matter of fact, you know,

for a lady you've been very, very useful.

- Useful.
- Yes, you have. Really.

You are the first person that has ever
said that to me, except my grandfather.

Oh, really?

I ought to let him know I'm all right. Do you
know if there's a wireless on this ship?

We will reach Roma by 6 o'clock tonight.

Exactly on schedule!

What a welcome we will get.
Just like Nuvolari.

Malcolm Campbell!

Let us pass!

Move over! Move over!

Move over! Move over!

- What?
- You are covering us with dust!

Get out of the way!

Look! Look!

Oh, no!

No, Angelo!

Faster! Faster! Don't let them get away!

I can't go any faster!
I'm trying to catch them!

Get out of the road!

Go! Go!

Faster!

Go! Go!

The truck!

Our car! Not fair!

Oh, now, first left,
and then straight on for 30 kilometers.

Merci, Mon navigator.

Oui, Mon capitaine.

- That was a policeman!
- Well, it didn't look like a policeman.

- He's following us.
- He is, huh?

Well, I'll tell you something.

With this sweet little baby,
I eat policemen for breakfast.

Darn. Heck.

H-E-double-L.

- Excuse me...
- Look what you have done to my trousers!

I beg your pardon.

I'm sorry, but I'm on my way to Monte
Carlo. I'm a Monte Carlo driver.

That does not give you a license
to bring death to the road.

- I didn't mean to bring any deaths to the road.
- You have to be taught a hurting lesson.

Before you do a hurting lesson,
why don't you pick a card.

You'll love this trick.

It's the nine of hearts. Right?

You have not time to play the dance
with me! Now an explanation, please!

Actually, Officer, monsieur Le gendarme,
we were on the way to the hospital.

A hospital. Right. In Paris.

- To see my poor sister.
- Her poor sister.

What is wrong with your poor sister?

- Well, she's...
- Terribly ill!

- No, she's ill!
- On the danger list.

And this gentleman was very kind
to try to get me there.

You see, her sister is "Mort-ing."
You get it? She's almost...

Keep it up. Good. Great.

- What?
- Keep crying.

Excusez-moi, mademoiselle.
At which hospital is your poor sister?

The big one!

- I. Sacre-Coeur?
- That's the one!

- Yes, that's it.
- Follow me.

- Terrific.
- Thank you.

Is your sister as pretty as you?

Pretty, only not so clever.

Cuthbert Ware-Armitage, baronet, reporting.

Of course. May we have your logbook?

Perkins?

- Oh, come on. The logbook!
- Logbook? Oh, yes, sir.

Logbook.

I say! Fifi Lamar!

- You certainly get about a bit, don't you?
- Yes, sir, I...

- Sir.
- Oh, thank you.

Just a minute.
What's this? "Penalty: ten points."

You are an hour early. You are
supposed to be here exactly on time.

Blast! Hope you're gonna give
that Yankee chap the same penalty.

No, sir. You are the first here.

Hell's bells and bloody ding-dongs!

Betty, what are you trying to do to me?
We're two hours late!

- Have I been naughty, Chester?
- Oh, Betty!

Anyway, you've had a lovely rest.

Oh, that's terrif!

You like it. You think it needs a hat?

No! No! No! No hat!

It looks terrific.
Just get in the car. Thank you.

I'm sorry.

What are you doing?
You can't put those in...

I can't have those in the car.
Take those out of the car right now.

No, no. It is forbidden to pass.

No car goes through until I'm satisfied.

This is a rally.
Everyone's losing points by the delay.

It's absolutely outrageous.

We've never had Customs
interfere with the rally before.

And we have never before
received a tip-off

that one of your competitors
was smuggling jewelry.

It's ridiculous. All these men
are sportsmen and well-known drivers.

They couldn't afford
to be mixed up with crime.

What about Herr Muller?

He's a famous German driver
from the Argentine.

And the driver of the car
with the Union Jack?

He's an Indian army officer.

He's traveled 10,000 miles
to take part in this rally

and show off his inventions.

He's hardly likely to be a smuggler.

He may have invented a place
in which to smuggle jewels.

Anyway, we will search
the German's car first.

- Nothing to declare.
- Logbook.

But I'm telling you I have nothing
to declare, not even a frankfurter.

Unpack those bags.

Knife?

I say. Steady on, huh?

Hope they don't find our cigarettes.
Or our Scotch.

Don't fuss so, Barrington.
They'll never search us.

Any fool can see we're British.

I think they're gonna cop it, sir.

Let them pass.

Logbook, sir, if you please.

We're running a bit slow, so if you'd
just, um, stamp the old logbook,

we'll be away.

Ah. Um, yes. These.

Uh, these are purely
for our personal consumption.

I'm a very heavy smoker,

and Barrington here
is a very, very heavy drinker.

Steady, sir.

For his size, that is.

You will both come with me.

Strip the car.

I will strip these men.

Strip us?

Naked?

That is what I said.

The only persons permitted
to see me in the pink

are Mrs. Dawlish, that's the memsahib,

Ritchie Vereswamy, that's my batman,

and Major E.J. Crossway Pontsumby,
and that's my doctor.

Request refused, and that's that.

Bring them inside.

- Get... Get off.
- Get your hands off me!

Disgraceful. Get off!

Excuse me, please.
You are still having my logbook.

Oh, yes, sir. Of course.

- There we are.
- Thank you, thank you.

All right.

As far as I'm concerned, this is definitely
the end of the entente cordiale.

No. Just a minute.

There you are.

The water looks lovely!

Can we go and swim?

Let's get these clothes off.

- Isn't it marvelous?
- Put your clothes on the bush.

Come on.

- What's the idea?
- The girls!

Marcello, I don't want to stop.

Marcello, do you hear me?

Please don't be so obstinate.

Look. Hey!

Hello there! Hey!

We're going to have a swim too.
It's very hot. Hey!

Who you wanna be,
Malcolm Campbell or Casanova?

I changed my mind. I want to be Casanova.

- You're not going to be.
- Why?

Well...

I have a better idea. Come on. Come on!

- I want to be Casanova.
- Come on.

- Quick, get their clothes.
- The clothes?

- Yes, yes.
- Hey! Hey!

- In the boot?
- Yes.

And now we're going to have a nice swim.

Don't come in, sir!

No! Go away!

Hey! I'm here! I'm coming!

Wait for me.

Lovely girls.

Oh, look. Comrades.

- Come on.
- What?

- Come on!
- But, Angelo!

Why you say we go have a nice swim?
Why you change your mind?

There's a car ahead of us, Marcello.

I can't afford to lose this rally.
You know that. Let's go!

- I don't know.
- Don't look.

- What has she got there?
- Hey!

Bonsoir. Fill her up.

I say.

Am I the first rally driver
to pass through here?

- Haven't you got anything smaller?
- Afraid not.

I have no small change.

Well, you'd better go and get some,
hadn't you, old garcon?

Expecting me to go and find change.

- Off we go, Perkins.
- What about your change?

Oh, let him keep it.

You must know by now
what a generous, lovable person I am.

What a filthy trick!
You did that on purpose.

Perkins, what a ghastly thing to say.

- Come on, Perkins.
- It won't start.

- Come on.
- It won't start.

Come on. Hurry. Let's get out.

Put out the fire, Perkins!

Run for it! Grab the bags!

Hoist with your own petard.

And it serves you jolly well right.

You know, Perkins, if I were you,
I'd be careful what I say.

I don't have to anymore.

Sir Cuthbert Clever Dick,
my dossier went up in those flames.

I'm a free man now.

Well, Mr. Perky Perkins,
shall we get on with the rally?

What, in that thing?

Better hope.

My dear Perkins, you don't for one moment
think with you driving and what's at stake

that I didn't foresee a crack-up
or a mechanical breakdown.

Got a light, old bean?

So I arranged for three identical
Nifty-Nines with identical numbers

to be planted along the route.

One telephone call,
and we'll have a new car by dinnertime.

Get a generator going!

Everyone else seems to have
got here before us.

Where's the damned manager?

Now what did you say your names were?

Chester Schofield II
and Elizabeth Hardwick I.

Oh, but I have only one room.
Will that be all right?

- Of course not, it won't be all right.
- I'm sorry. I only have one room.

But this is Her Ladyship.
We can't share a room.

- There's a sofa in the bedroom, sir.
- Then that's what I will have, the sofa.

- I will have the sofa.
- Come on.

I'll take the sofa. You should have
the bed, and I'll take the sofa.

- You should have the bed.
- Then it's agreed.

Bed. Sofa.

Bed. Sofa.

You wish to be called at 7:00 sharp?

Yeah, that's right. That's right.
At 7:00. Good night.

Well, I shouldn't...
I shouldn't have done that.

Excuse me.

I'm awfully... Excuse me.

Let me pass.

Roses are blooming in Piccadilly

Enough with the roses from Piccadilly!
Hurry up!

It's not as though I'm asking you
to do anything difficult.

Just persuade young Chester to drink this,
and your troubles are over.

No.

Come on. Won't do him any harm.

Just put him to sleep for 24 hours.

Sorry.

Oh, go away, Cuthbert,
and shut the door after you, please.

Now, you do as I say,
and you'll have no cause to regret it.

Good night.

Perkins, where are you?

Perkins!

Perkins!

Uh, what was Sir Cutty doing in here,
if it isn't a rude question?

Nothing. He came into the room.

Uh-huh. And what is it you're gonna
have no cause to regret?

- It's none of your business.
- It isn't, huh? Can I ask you another question?

- What is Sir Armitage to you anyway?
- He's my second cousin, if you must know.

- Yes, my grandfather is his uncle.
- Right.

- Well, then why didn't you tell me this before?
- Why should I?

It's got nothing to do with you.

It doesn't?
Well, it's very important to him and me.

I've got a wager with him.
You want to know something?

- I'm beginning to wonder.
- Now, what are you beginning to wonder?

Well... you know, it seems...

It seems to me
that from the minute I picked you up,

a lot of little things have been happening,
little things to slow me down.

- Such as?
- Such as tea in Stamford.

Cocktails in Maidstone.

Breakfast in Calais.

And that shopping in not-so-gay Paris.

- And you think that I deliberately...
- Right.

Thank you very much.

If it's not delaying you too terribly,
would you mind opening the door?

Betty, there's really no reason
to get that excited.

- Excited? Who's getting excited?
- You're getting excited.

All I want to know is what...

Before I go, I would like to point out that
I may have slowed you down once or twice,

but you stayed in Chambery
the same time as everyone else!

I really did it this time.

Oh, B-L-A-S-T.

Perkins, where the hell is my room?

The shoes. Our shoes.

It's all very confusing.

Perkins, Perkins.

I thought of a way of making it
more confusing tomorrow morning.

Swap all these shoes around
so everybody gets a different pair,

except me, of course.

Oh, do we have to, sir?
It's awfully childish.

What? I don't agree.

It's all part of the strategy of the rally.

- Willi.
- Huh?

Be a good fellow and switch off the light.

- The roses are blooming
- Now, then.

In Piccadilly

Hurry up!

Roses are blooming in Piccadilly

By the light of...

Oh, no!

Good night, sir.

Roses are shining in Piccadilly

Roses are blooming in Piccadilly

Move aside.

Perkins! There's a stranger in the bed!

You've got my...

He's got a false mustache.

Where's my room?

How dare you, sir!

That's him.
Pull his mustache off, sir.

- Yes.
- Leave me alone! How dare you!

That man tried to get into bed with me!

No! Get your hands off me!

How dare you, sir!

How dare you!

Go away!

Can't someone find the main switch?

Perkins?

Damn. The dossier.

Perkins, don't you ever let up?

Get out of this room. Get out!

It's yours. I'm so sorry.

I say, Perkins, how do you do it?

The dossier.

It's quite simple if you know how.

Good show.

Sweet dreams, Perky.

No, no, no. Please, no!

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Betty.

- Are you asleep?
- Yes.

And I don't want to talk to you.

I'm terribly sleepy.

I'm... terribly sleepy too, but I...

I can't go to sleep until...

until I tell you that I'm sorry.

I'm...

I really am terribly sorry

for... for what I did.

I mean, for, well, jumping to all
those terrible conclusions about you.

I shouldn't have done that.

I mean, I wouldn't be this far
if it wasn't for you.

I'd have probably ended up
in Timbuktu or someplace.

You... You didn't drink?

Huh? No. I gave it up.
You saw me throw it away.

Oh, thank heavens.

Phew.

I mean, I don't like a man that drinks.

I can see that.

Listen, you don't have to say you're sorry.

- I forgive you.
- Well, thank you.

Do you think it'd be all right
if I got under the rug

and kind of huddled a little bit?

For just a couple of minutes,
I could just huddle here.

- No. Yes.
- Until I just warm up a bit.

How is that? Is that all right?
I'm not crowding you, am I?

- Are you all right?
- Got enough room? Terrific.

Oh, my God. Chester?

- Chester.
- I promise I'll never take another drink!

Chester, they're all going.
Quickly, quickly.

The rally, the rally!

- Oh, yeah. The rally.
- I'll get dressed.

Give her a swipe.

Where's my car?
Look, can you give my windscreen a rub?

All right. Stop.

I'll get the bags. Come on.

Hop to it!

Hey!

Why do you make the eyes at that girl?

I know women like the back of my hand.

She wouldn't even look at you.

Besides, I think she's fancying me.

Ciao!

What is it? What? What?

- Oh, that milk is drugged!
- The milk is drugged?

Yes. That's why Cuthbert
was here last night.

He was trying to force me
to force you to drink it.

Force me to force you...
Why would he want to do that?

You see, he knows something terrible
about my grandfather,

and he said if I didn't do as he wanted,

he'd have him defrocked.

- Defrocked?
- Yes.

And that would be terrible for
my grandpapa. He's a bishop.

Well, it ain't chopped chicken liver to me,
I'll tell you that.

Well, I... I guess that's it.

Good-bye. I mean, I lose everything.

Lose everything? No, of course you don't.

- Now, do you feel sleepy yet?
- As a matter of fact, I don't. I feel quite good.

There you are. You see? You never know.
It may not work with you.

- Oh, good, good.
- Anyway, I'll keep you awake.

- How?
- I'll sing to you.

Well, I'll throw water
over you or something.

- I think it's beginning to work.
- You must keep going.

- Right. We gotta keep going.
- Yes.

Let's go. We gotta keep going.

Spanner.

Check the oil pressure.

Oops. Sorry.

What the bally hell's that?

Looks like a cowcatcher, sir.

Not likely to catch many cows around here.

Here we are, Perkins.
Identical to the other one.

You amaze me.

You've gotta get up very early
to catch a Ware-Armitage.

Right. Barrington, blowtorch.

Thank you.

Stand back. Stand back.

Now, if the Dawlish snow melter
doesn't see us through to Monte Carlo,

my name's Rudolph Valentino.

This must be a very proud moment
for you, sir.

It is indeed.

I think I can safely say
I'm on my way to my first million.

Oh, wiz-wiz, sir.
How absolutely rip-rip-ripping.

That cowcatcher's melting the snow, sir.

- Why don't we follow it?
- Good idea.

You know, Perkins, I think that some of
my genius is beginning to rub off on you.

Come on, Perkins!

I think this is one
of your best inventions, sir.

They're all good, Barrington.

I think on the Mach Two, I'll have
to do something about the smell.

Hoping you'd say something like that, sir.

I can't stand it any longer.

I'll take the high road,
while they take the low road.

Oh, shame, shame. It's broken, sir.

Rotten civilian workmanship.
Should have had it made by the army.

Well, bang goes your million, eh, sir?

Never mind, Barrington.
We can do without it.

We may have lost the Dawlish snow melter,
but we haven't lost the rally.

Well said, sir.

You mean to say we're going to change
to the Dawlish super snow tractor?

Exactly. A good soldier always
has something in reserve.

Exactly. That's what I always say, sir.

What do you always say, Barrington?

- Whatever it was you said, sir.
- Oh, that. Yes. Yes. Good thinking.

Not so fast. Not so fast.

I know, I know.

But we've got to make up time.

Bravo! Bravo!

Look out. Look out.

Bravo!

Marcello, are we not dead?

Come on.

- The car. Quick, quick.
- Push.

Quick, everybody. Get us back on the road.

The car.

- Can't you go any faster?
- Are we still behind time?

Yes.

- One, two.
- Look out.

Look out!

It isn't fair!

- Come on. Come on, help us.
- Give us a hand. Come on.

- Everybody, push! Push the car.
- Push the car.

Push. Come on.

- Three.
- Push!

Are we not going too fast, Willi?

His Excellency has definitely saying
we have to finish in 26th position.

Who is caring
what His Excellency is saying?

We are Germans,
and there's only one place for a German.

That's first!

- Oh, dear. What has happened?
- We were going too fast, Willi.

Get the tire.

Is it the one with the stuff?

Full of jewels.

All taped to the inside.

If His Excellency has taken all this
trouble to get it to Monte Carlo,

it must be worth many, many rubles.

- Why don't we keep it for ourselves, huh?
- Nein.

His Excellency is too powerful.

He has eyes everywhere.

Do you think so?

You are a stupid man to believe that.

Why don't we make for Switzerland, huh?

- They never would find us there.
- They will trace the car.

Then we go by foot!

Then we go by foot.

Willi.

Willi!

What's that?

The signal.

Come, come.

- Come, come, come.
- We have...

On to Monte Carlo! The 26th position!

- How did he find us?
- He must have been following us all the way.

D-D-D-Don't shoot, Excellency.

We are only having a little joke.

Now we are changing the wheel.
I don't want to be thrown into the lake.

- Otto. Help me before they kill us.
- I can't go any faster.

You'll get us both shot.
I wish I was back in my little cell.

I wish I was in my cell too.

- Hurry, Otto! Hurry!
- What about the other tire?

Leave it, leave it!
We've got to get out of here!

Chester, you've got to stop.

I can't. I've got to beat Sir Armitage.

Are you all right, Chester?

Chester? Chester, wake up.

Oh, Chester, I love you.

Oh, Chester, I love you!

I'm sorry, Chester.

Well, if only I could drive.

It can't be as difficult as all that.
I mean, so many people do these days.

Even Grandpapa.

If he can, I jolly well can too.

Come on, Chester.

Over to this side.

Now, you have a good sleep,
and I'll take over.

Now then.

Oh, dear. What have I forgotten?

Ah, yes. The joystick.

Well, the brake, the brake.

Ah, yes, there's the brake.
Let her launch.

Oh, that is better.

Nothing to this. Absolutely nothing to it.

- Do you know how I got this idea, Barrington?
- No, sir.

I was playing tennis in Pondicherry.
Serving, actually.

And I suddenly got the idea

that if these Eskimos can wear tennis
rackets on their feet instead of snowshoes,

why shouldn't I put skis on my car
instead of wheels?

You're an absolute genius, sir.

Yes, I suppose I am.

Chester? Chester?

I've done a silly thing!

Can't find the brake, Chester.

Watch out!

What's the matter, Perkins?
Is anything wrong?

Look at that.

I see. Well done, Betty.

You'll never get out of that.
Shake hands with the winner, Perkins.

Where do you think you're going?

I'm gonna climb up there and help them.

- What, in your galoshes?
- Yes!

Don't be so bloody noble.

It's the only decent thing to do.

Look, Perkins, any more
of that Scott of the Antarctic bosh,

and I'll climb up there
and give them a push.

Chester. Chester!

- Chester, wake up!
- Yeah?

Yes. What is it?

What?

Oh, relax.

I'll... I'll take a look.

Well, it, um,

can't really be as, um, bad as all that.

Betty!

Betty! Can you hear me?

Chester!

Betty, move to the back of the car.

I can't. I'm too frightened.

Betty!

- I can't.
- Betty.

Get to the back of the car,

or we'll end up down there.

All right then.

Careful! Don't rock it.

Betty, we're too young to die! Betty?

Chester, I'm stuck.

Betty, go get some help.

Well, how can I?
I don't know anyone around here.

Betty!

- Betty, up! Do as I tell you!
- I'm trying to get up.

I can't hold on much longer.

Help!

I say, sir, um,
don't think I'm imagining things,

but that lady looks
as though she needs help.

By Jove, I think you're right, Barrington.

A damsel in distress.

Help!

And British too.

People.

- Help!
- Go on, Barrington.

Get a move on.

- Betty!
- Hang on, sir. Nothing to worry about.

The army's here.

I'd come down the north face,
if I were you, Barrington.

- Right.
- Might be easier.

I'll look out for the little lady.
Now, then absolute...

- Get on, Barrington.
- Right, sir.

Absolutely nothing to worry about.

- Sir? Are you all right?
- Nothing to worry about. Just very still.

I'm trying.

- May I introduce myself?
- Yes.

Kit Barrington, 16th Lancers.

Chester Schofield, 13 Rivington Street.

Fantastic. Well, we'll soon
have you out of this, sir.

Well, please hurry
because I'm beginning to fall asleep.

Waky, waky!

Waky, waky!

Let me get ahold of my knife.

Just a moment.

Come along, Barrington. Don't dawdle.

Well done.

- Thanks a lot. Thank you.
- Oh, Chester!

I say, Barrington, this gives us
a first-class opportunity

to test out the Dawlish tow rope.

Oh, wiz-wiz, sir!

- Dawlish.
- Schofield.

Now, the fascinating thing
about this rope of mine

is that it's made of the finest Indian hemp

by a special process known only to myself

and a little Indian guru friend of mine,
C.J. Pajapettle, Bombay.

Come on, Barrington. Get a move on.

Here we are, sir.

Catch hold.

Careful.

- There's been an accident.
- Quick. Make a right. Hurry.

Put your seat back.

Is anyone hurt? Do you need help?

- Chester does.
- Everything safely attached, Barrington?

Chester, wake up.

Chester? Now, you just wake up, Chester.

I woke up. I feel swell.

- I really feel swell.
- Chester.

You got my glasses, dear?

- I am a doctor.
- Terrific.

- I don't think you are well.
- No?

- Do you really want to go on?
- I must. I must.

- Yes, he must.
- Come with me then.

- Swell.
- What happened?

- You see, I was dri...
- What happened?

- Are you quite sure she's a doctor?
- Slack.

Slack being taken up, sir.

Steady as you go.

Steady there.

It's stretching, sir.

Yes. I don't think this is quite
what C.J. Pajapettle had in mind.

- Look out, sir!
- She's after me!

Keep out of the way!

It's not exactly
what I had in mind either.

It wouldn't stop once it started.

- Much damage?
- Not really, sir.

Oh, dear.

Well, it seems to have done the trick,
in any case. Good old Pajapettle.

These are something very new,
and normally I would not prescribe them.

They'll clear your head
and keep you going for 24 hours.

- After that, well, there will be a reaction.
- Terrif.

You'll sleep and sleep and sleep.

- Here.
- I say!

What about giving us a hand?

I feel better already.

Come along now. Lend a hand.

Terrif, Doc. Thanks. Come on.

Always happy to help a fellow competitor.

You get in there, where you can steer.
You, madam, you'll be there.

You'll be there and I'll be here.

You're not trying, women.

- Don't let them get away with it. Come on.
- Come on, Betty. Let's go.

Bye!

- Trouble, Barrington?
- The starter's stuck, sir.

- I'm afraid the mixture's too rich.
- Suppose we'll have to push the damn thing.

Sir.

- Ready?
- Sir.

- Push!
- Sir.

There we go.

- Nearly run over me, sir.
- Nearly run over me, Barrington.

Right, Barrington. Put her in gear.

- Sir.
- Let out the clutch.

- Engine still won't start, sir.
- Stop the car then.

- I can't, sir.
- This won't do at all.

- Put on the brake.
- I am, sir.

- Put her in reverse.
- I have, sir.

- Then start saying your prayers.
- I am, sir!

This is what comes
of doing someone a good turn.

Land... there.

It must have been a blockage
in the fuel feed, sir.

Just as I thought.
It needed a good bang to clear it.

Let's get going.

We hear 'em sigh and hope to die
We see him wink the other eye

The man who won the race to Monte Carlo

Monsieur Dupont. Monsieur Dupont.

Yes?

We've just got news
of Sir Cuthbert Ware-Armitage.

He will shortly arrive at Monte Carlo.

Yes, but this does not mean
he's the winner.

Now, this year there has been
so much confusion, irregularities

and so much snow

that we really do not know where we are.

But one thing is clear.

At least 28 competitors

will be running neck-and-neck

for the first prize.

Does that mean the ladies' team
has got through?

Yes, it does.

- I beg your pardon.
- Yes!

- Oh, no.
- Jolly good.

Jolly good.

Tomorrow morning,
there will be a time trial

around the Grand Cornice.

Thank you.

And the team which makes the fastest time

will probably be awarded the trophy.

Does that mean the ladies
may be the winners then?

I hope not.

- May I quote that?
- No, you may not, monsieur.

Mademoiselle, if you don't mind.

Why don't you get a decent car?

Look out!

Not fair!

Look. Monte Carlo!

Only 42 kilometers, and we've made it!

There's been an accident.

Terrible!

My bag. Quickly. What happened?

Come on. Come on.

Careful! I am a doctor. Leave them to me.

Attend to him.

Dominique, help me.

This one.

I take him.

Stop. Stop!

There!

Marie-Claude, are you all right?

- Is there anything we can do to help?
- Yes. Get an ambulance.

- My mother's already gone for one.
- Good.

Then you had better get back into the rally.
There is no point in all of us being out of it.

But you can't give up now.
We are inside Monte Carlo.

I am a doctor.
My friends are medical students.

For us, duty comes first.

If we win, we will tell everybody
that you would have beaten us.

And what is more important,
you will know it yourselves.

So we will not only win for Italia.

We shall also win for you.

- Come, Marcello.
- Yes.

We still have time to show everybody
what Romans can do!

Angelo.

Well done.
You're well up amongst the leaders.

That's a good German car.

A good German driver
back from the Argentine. Ja, Willi?

If you can win the time test tomorrow,
you could win the trophy.

- The race?
- Yes.

I could, but I can't.

We have to keep the 26th position.

- Oh, look at that.
- It's the count.

- He's come to get us.
- How did he get here?

I don't believe it. It's a trick.

No, he's in chains. Look.

Well, uh, just push it in that direction.

What are we going to do, Willi?

We will be arrested and sent back to prison
as sure as God made little apple strudels.

To hell with the 26th position!

I'm going to win the speed test
and the Monte Carlo Rally.

Then, Otto, I go back to my prison
a happy fellow.

And I go back to my prison
a happy fellow too.

Thank you, monsieur.

- Perkins, where have you been?
- I was just having a bath, sir.

- Might wash the car.
- What do you want?

If they don't cheat us of any more points,

we'll have this rally in the bag.

- Yes.
- The only thing that'll count against us

is that wheel we lost.

Ho-ho. Bad luck, sir.

Luck doesn't come into it.
We've got to get another one.

Where are you going to get another tire
at this time of night?

Well, Perkins, I'm not. You are.

Me?

This chap's got more tires than he needs.
He won't miss one.

But that's... that's stealing.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

Don't be so technical. Go on, get 'em.

Help! Sir Cuthbert! Help!

Sir Cuthbert! Help!

Perkins, what the hell are you playing at?

- I'm stuck, aren't I?
- What?

- Yeah.
- Stuck. Help me.

Look, hang on.

- Hold still.
- Yes, sir.

Good night.

Oh, Betty?

Betty, I feel... feel terrific.

I feel like dancing.
It must be the pill, you know?

That's what it is. It must be the pill.

I feel like a cool million.

I feel like tuppence ha'penny.

What's the matter?
Did I do something wrong?

- I did.
- But what'd you do?

- Now, Chester, listen.
- What?

When I picked you up in Yorkshire...
"You! Laddie!" Remember?

- Yes, right. I remember.
- It wasn't an accident.

Well, I know that.

Sir Cutty put you up to it, right?
I knew that.

See, I was supposed to do
a dreadful thing to you.

I was supposed to get you out of the rally
and take you back to Bardsley Manor.

So that I could have tea
with you and your granddaddy, right?

Well, I know that, and I really don't care.

- You don't care?
- No.

Not even if I tell you that I had to...

I had to borrow money from him in Paris.

You can't like me.

Well, of course I like you.
I do and, uh, and I really don't care.

- As a matter of fact, I'll tell you something.
- What?

You know what I'm gonna do tomorrow?

I'm gonna go out on that track and grind
Sir Cutty's face right into the ground.

And when I'm finished... finished,

I'm gonna come back here,

take off my handkerchief,

put it on the ground,

get on my right knee...

take your hand and say...

Yes?

Perkins!

Go! Go!

Get out of here! Go!

It's time. It's time.

Oh, yes, indeed.

Time to go now. Well?

Get set.

Everybody's ready?

Go!

Don't go yet. Don't go yet.

It is all right. All right.

This time...

You again!

Next one.

You want to change caps for luck?

A bit of Nuvolari
and a bit of Malcolm Campbell.

And to hell with the
maresciallo's daughter!

Next one.

Good luck!

Next.

Ah, the big moment has arrived, Otto.

You mustn't be worried
if I take a few chances.

- You are the driver.
- Horst Muller.

Just a moment.

- Now, Horst Muller.
- Huh?

I've caught you just in time.

Last night, monsieur,
you dropped your passport.

Next one!

- Tire pressure.
- Twenty-five at the front, 28 at the back, sir.

- Water temperature.
- Seventy-five, sir.

- What about the oil?
- Sixty, sir.

Right.

Just in case we don't get back,

I'd like to say it's been great fun,
Barrington.

Or rather, Kit.

It's been rip-rip-ripping, sir.

- Pip-pip.
- Hurry, monsieur.

- Oh, wiz-wiz, sir.
- Let's go.

Right.

Now then, on the command "fire," fire.
Right. Go!

Anything... Anything go wrong, sir?

I think the weather was against us.

Ah, well, back to the Khyber Pass.

The winner!

A shame to take the money, eh, Perkins?

We passed them.

Just look at his face.

Get over!

Zowie!

Get over!

We've lost a tire. We...

- What's that?
- It's a tire from heaven.

It's full of jewels.

- They must be stolen.
- No.

- We've got to do something.
- You crazy?

We want to win the rally!

Willi, you are crazy.

Silence! Silence!

Sir Cuthbert Ware-Armitage,
55 minutes, 38 seconds.

Horst Muller, 55 minutes, 39 seconds.

Angelo Pincelli, 56 minutes.

It is my prerogative, my privilege

to present this magnificent
coupe d'honneur

to the man who, by his resoluteness,
unflagging courage

and audacious driving,

he's the winner of this year's
Monte Carlo Rally.

So, Mr. Cuthbert,
to your health, monsieur.

So good.

Is there any chance
of getting my dossier back?

I suppose I'm a lovable, generous old fool.
Here you are.

Thank you, sir. Thank you.

Sir Cuthbert Ware-Armitage?
May I have a word with you?

Yes, but first of all,
have a little champagne, eh?

Got to look after the police.

- Have you ever seen this tire before?
- No. No, of course I haven't.

Liar. It fell out of your
car into ours. Look.

I saw it with my own eyes.

And you will be saying next you did not
know it contained the Romanov jewels.

Just a minute.
Are you suggesting that I pinched them?

I think it would be better
if you came along to my headquarters.

Just one minute.

I know exactly who stole that tire.

- Perkins! Perkins!
- Please. Please.

I saw the tire drop from his car.

Would you mind telling this officer
where we got that tire?

Come on. Speak up.

Come on.

You see, he's explained that the Romanov
diamonds were hidden in that tire

and has the effrontery to suggest
that I stole them.

Would you mind telling him how we got it?

Well, a chap brought it down from Paris
when we secretly swapped cars.

Sir Cuthbert paid him 5,000 quid
for that tire.

I thought it was a bit much at the time.

You bloody liar!

- Watch it!
- He's a dangerous criminal.

Take him away for questioning.
To the police station.

Never again.

Good.

My name is Percy.

Excuse me. Does that mean all
the other contestants beat Sir Cuthbert?

Yes, indeed.
So long as they cross the finishing line.

Oh, I see. Thank you.

Bring forward the next winner.

It is my prerogative, my privilege

to present this coupe d'honneur

to the man who, by his resoluteness...

unflagging courage
and audacious driving...

The rally of this year Monte Carlo winner.

Horst Muller from the Argentine.

To your health, monsieur.

- Auf Wiedersehen, Horst Muller.
- Huh?

A photo of Willi Schickel.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.

Photo! Photo!

How dare you!

All right, come on, come on, come on.

Come on, come on, come on!

Let's bring on the next winners.

The next winners.

The Italians!

The winner!

You are not likely to be arrested, are you?

Oh, no.

Oh, yes, there you are.

The girls.

Oh, yes.

- We said we would win the rally for you.
- And kept our word.

All hands together.

Let's drink to us. Yeah?

Hey, hey, wait. And for the honor
of the Roman police.

Yes.

- Look who is here.
- There is another one!

Oh, look.

Well, what happened?

We've done it! We've done it!
We crossed the line!

Yankee Doodle Dandy! We won, eh?

- Well, what happened to Sir Cutty?
- We've beaten him.

- Terrific!
- Yes.

Now we can get married.

Zowie!

He's a good driver.

~ Get out the jalopy ~

~ And polish the wheels ~

~ She's gotta be the smartest
of the automobiles ~

~ Polish the paintwork ~

~ And clean off the rust ~

~ They won't see our chassis for dust ~

~ And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest ~

vEveryone will know that our jalopy is best ~

~ They'll have to admit ~

~ She's a car you can trust ~

~ So it's Monte Carlo or bust ~

~ We're on our way to Monte Carlo ~

~ Although francais we cannot parlons ~

~ We hear the French are very pally ~

~ And we're gonna win the rally ~

~ So we're sure to be the
toast of Monte Carlo ~

~ And when we arrive miles ahead of the rest ~

~ Everyone will know that our jalopy is best ~

~ They'll have to admit ~

~ She's a car you can trust ~

~ So it's Monte Carlo or bust ~

~ My suspension ~

~ Monte Carlo ~

~ Or bust ~