Thiago Ventura: Pokas (2020) - full transcript
Thiago Ventura jokes about living in a poor Brazilian community, talking about social issues and when actions speak more than words.
Other natures, other cultures.
Everybody mixed in together in the hood.
Laughing is what makes life bearable.
Real hustlers will dribble
even the cop cars in the way.
There's where swagger comes from.
As well as your brothers, your fears,
your education and your demise.
So does he who treats us
to happiness in the purest form.
A standing round of applause
for my brother Thiago Ventura.
Make some fucking noise!
It's the hood being represented!
That's right!
Make some noise, Brazil!
From Taboão da Serra to the world.
You can sit now, my bros. We cool.
Welcome to my third comedy special.
The first one was called
Isso é Tudo Que Eu Tenho,
where I talked about the importance
of comedy in my life.
The second one was called Só Agradece,
where I talked about everything
that comedy has given me.
And the third one is called POKAS,
which is the philosophy of life
that brought me here, you know?
If you know what "pokas" means, say "me."
Me!
It's so crazy.
Most people from the hood
know what pokas is.
At the same time,
many of you are like, "No, no."
- It's short for pokas...
- ...ideia.
And pokas ideia is pokas ideia,
no matter where you are.
So, let's do this:
I'm going to say a word,
and if you think it warrants
a pokas ideia approach,
answer all together, "Pokas."
Right? Let's do it.
- Rapists.
- Pokas.
People going to a school
and shooting everyone?
Pokas.
- People who ask for a sip of your Yakult?
- Pokas.
Did you notice the Yakult sip
was louder than the rapist?
And that shows that our country
has principles.
It's okay to rape, but don't mess
with people's lactobacilli.
When my videos began to go viral,
about 70% of my audience were dudes.
And only 30% were girls. But today...
it's 50% dudes
and 50% female troublemakers.
The girls who follow me are my type.
They don't take crap from anybody
and aren't afraid to speak up.
That's right. That's right.
Straight-up sassy.
The other day, I was checking comments
on my YouTube channel.
This one guy said,
"Bro, real talk,
you haven't been funny in two years."
And this girl wrote, "Oh, yeah?
Unsubscribe and go fuck yourself."
I was like, "Damn, she has my back!"
So I have one just for women. Come on.
Is it pokas or not for that girl
who says she's your friend,
but when you break up,
she makes a move on your ex?
Pokas!
Makes you want
to pull all of your hair out, right?
Girls from Taboão da Serra are like,
"Gee, you're crazy!"
People who make
a move on your man or woman?
Pokas!
That person with bad breath
who speaks too close to you?
Pokas!
It burns your eyelashes.
Did you know that's how pink eye started?
The person's eye was good.
Something got in their eye, they said,
"Blow on it."
Seven-day sick leave.
There's this friend of mine, Eliane,
who has really bad breath.
I went to her friend, Virginia,
and said, "Virginia,
go tell Eliane she has bad breath.
I'm not going to talk to someone
who farts in my face every two minutes."
She said, "Thiago, it's not that bad."
I said, "Are you for real?
When she talks outside,
the street lamps go off."
She said, "Thiago, keep it to yourself.
She's religious. She gets upset."
"Okay. I'll be cool." When she showed up,
I stuck my finger up my ass.
She came and said, "Oi, Thiago."
I said, "Hi. How are you?"
I was like this.
Virginia came and said, "What's up?"
I was like, "If I have to smell poop,
I prefer my own."
Let's do another.
Is it pokas or not for corrupt cops?
Pokas.
Thugs who think they're boss
and don't realize
all they do is promote violence?
Pokas.
Smelly people who hug you?
Pokas.
Go fuck yourself!
People with stinky armpits
can't keep their arms down like this,
come up to you at waist height,
hug you and back the hell off.
No. They see your shoulder
and open their devil wings like this
and park their armpits on your shoulder
like it's the perfect spot
for them to rest.
And then that corrosive juice
that comes straight
from the devil's urethra
corrodes your hoodie.
You arrive in a hoodie
and leave in a tank top.
If you have a friend who stinks,
you need to tell him.
I had this problem one day.
I said, "Afonso...
Our stinky friend is coming."
You guys are the worst!
Watch what you laugh at!
"Our stinky friend is coming.
Can you tell him?
He's more your friend than mine."
Afonso looks at me and says, "Thiago...
He does stink!"
"Of course," I said.
"Last time he came to my house,
he walked in, and the wallpaper peeled.
He slept on the couch, and the couch
woke up vomiting cushions."
I said, "Can I tell him he stinks?"
Afonso was like,
"How are you going to say it?"
You just walk up to him and say,
"My man...
Straight talk,
I don't know how to say this, but...
something died inside of you."
He said, "Thiago, are you crazy?
If you say that,
people will never talk to you again."
Damn right they won't.
My friend had a white armpit, you know?
You know that yellow armpit? You know?
Whenever he wore a white T-shirt,
in two minutes his armpits were yellow.
I never understood that.
How do you wake up sweating ramen...
and you don't go to the hospital to see
why there's a beehive under your arms?
You're supposed to use Dove
on your armpit, not Tang.
Nobody ever told him he had
a yellow armpit, so life did.
Because he went to church
with the Bible under his yellow armpit.
The kids on my street said that,
in that Bible, Jesus died in Genesis.
Let's do another one.
One more.
People who borrow money
and don't pay it back?
Pokas.
People who borrow your clothes
and don't give them back.
Pokas.
Person you're having sex with
for the first time
and uses slang
only her and her friends get?
I didn't get it. Dick should be hard,
pussy should be wet, but they weren't.
Pokas!
On second thought,
I think it's more my thing than yours.
For real, though.
Intercourse was going smooth as fuck.
She suddenly goes like, "Fuck me."
I said, "I already am!"
She said, "Go on."
I was like, "I didn't even stop!"
Then she said something
I really didn't get. I had to stop.
She said, "Yes, just like that.
It feels great!
Stick that schlong in!"
I said, "What?
Stick what, my angel?"
She said, "Give me that schlong!"
I said, "What schlong?"
"That big schlong you got!"
I said, "Big schlong?"
For a moment, I thought it was a dog.
I said, "Schlong!"
"What the fuck is a schlong?"
"That thing in your hand."
I said, "That's a cock!
A cock is a cock, a schlong is a schlong!"
My cock looked at me and said,
"I don't like being called a schlong.
This woman doesn't lick me
and calls me a schlong?"
I said, "What is a schlong?"
"Take that schlong
and stick it in my coochie."
I was like, "What?"
I said, "Coochie?
Are you calling the pussy
by its legal name? What the fuck?
You've been watching too much Pokémon.
Charmander, Charmeleon,
Charizard, Charcoochie?
I watched every season of it,
and I've never seen Ash
summon a Pussykémon.
Comically,
- we established our pokas ideia philosophy
which has five points. - the rules.
Establish your own,
especially if you're from the hood.
Everybody who hangs with you
has to know who you are.
Otherwise, they will walk all over you.
The first time I realized
my life had many rules
was when I first played street cricket.
Ever played a game of taco?
- Yes!
- From the hood.
Hood people is like, "Me!"
And the rich kids are like,
"Did he say 'talcum'?
As in 'talcum powder'?
I've used Johnson & Johnson."
The first time I played taco,
my friend Thiago Poop taught me, you know?
It's Thiago Poop
because he stepped in shit barefoot.
He said it squeezes through your toes.
It's disgusting, but it's funny, right?
He said, "You even dance.
You step in it, and then do this."
The worst part is he stepped
and felt physical pain from disgust.
He stepped in it and did like this, "Ouch!
Ouch, my foot!
I stepped in it!
Turn on the hose!
It's shit!"
To save Thiago Poop,
my other friend Junior Blowjob came.
Can I explain why we call him
Junior Blowjob? Please!
It will be quick.
I was in front of my house,
and a kid came running like,
"Someone is sucking Junior's cock."
I said, "Easy, that's not how you tell
these stories.
What's happening?"
He said, "Someone...
is sucking...
Junior's cock."
I said, "Where?"
He said, "In the playground's bathroom."
I said, "For how long?"
He said, "Five minutes."
I said, "Did you see him?"
He said, "I did."
I said, "Was the door open?"
He said, "No."
"So how did you see it?
He said, "What?"
I said, "If the door was closed,
how did you see him?"
He said, "Someone is sucking
Junior's cock."
I said, "If the door was closed,
how did you see him?"
He said, "Someone is sucking
Junior's cock."
I said, "You won't say it,
so what's the plan?"
He said, "Here's the plan, man.
Let's run to the door and do this.
'Hey, Junior,
someone is sucking your cock!'"
As if Junior didn't know.
As if he would just notice in that moment.
Imagine Junior looking and saying,
"What? You don't say!"
I thought this idea was terrible,
and like any child, I said yes.
We ran there, got to the door and said,
"Let's do this."
"Hey, Junior..." There was no time.
The person sucking Junior's cock
did this... "Leave Junior alone."
Shit.
Apparently, my whole crew has come!
My friend Thiago Poop came to teach me
how to play taco.
He explained very quickly.
He said, "Thiago, attention.
Quickly, because I'm next.
Take the ball, throw it in the can.
If you make it into the can, you say,
'Hand over the bat, excuse me!'
The person will hand you
the bat in the air. Don't take it.
If you take the bat in the air,
you automatically lose.
So let the person put
the bat on the floor.
Take the ball and throw it.
If the person hits it
and it goes backwards,
once, twice,
three times, on the third one,
he gives the bat away.
Don't take the bat if it's in the air.
Let the person put the bat on the ground.
Third rule:
If you're playing and you hear,
'Car!'...
get out of the street."
Then I innocently said, "Why?"
He said, "Because a car is coming."
I said, "Is it a game rule?"
He said, "No, it's a life rule."
I said, "Next rule." He said,
"Take the ball and throw it.
If the person hits the ball...
...and you happen to run after this ball,
pay attention, they are going
to yell this, 'Bring a soda!'
They want to get under your skin
because then you'll lose the game.
So don't mind the opponents yelling, okay?
That's it. Find a pair and come play,
because you are next."
I said, "Holy shit!"
So, I was looking at everyone,
and nobody was alone.
Suddenly, there's Lucas.
Little Lucas is that friend everyone has.
You know that friend of yours
that isn't worth anything?
He was the only one left to play with me,
and I played with him.
I know when I say,
"I did, even though I didn't want to,"
the women in the audience
are like this, "Hey, hey, hey!
Thiago!
If you didn't want to play with him,
my love, why did you play?"
Because he looked pitiful, man.
A friend said she put out
for the first time
because her boyfriend asked nicely.
I said to her, "Really?"
But, seriously, Little Lucas is very cute.
You'll like him a lot,
but he's very manipulative.
He showed up like this:
"Good morning.
I'm Lucas, and there are three things
that I like a lot in humanity,
which are peace and harmony
between people,
my dad Ricardo who left me early on,
and everyone who came to the theater
and paid full price.
Hi, Thiago Big Big!"
I said, "What's up, Little Lucas?"
"Terrific.
Today is a bright day, isn't it?
The birds singing, the mice running,
and people playing taco.
My mother said that whoever plays taco
loves the Devil.
She said that people
who play tag on the street
or hide-and-seek or freeze tag
also love the Devil.
She also said people who watch
Knights of the Zodiac,
Digimon, Pokémon, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Also love the Devil.
I love God, but I wish I could love
the Devil a little, you know?
Nothing I like is a thing for Jesus!
But there is one thing I decided to try,
even though it's a Devil's thing,
because my desire to play taco
is bigger than me.
But the fact is...
to play taco...
I need something I don't have yet,
and that is a friend.
But that's okay, right?
After all, I'm used to being alone.
Just me and Jehovah.
But these days, I promised God
I would behave if he gave me a friend
to play taco with,
and I asked that his name
would be 'Thiago'."
So, I cried and said...
"Do you want to play with me?"
And then after all that manipulation,
he said, "Glory to God."
But Little Lucas is really cute.
He's very sweet.
Did you like him?
He's sweet. You can't get mad at him.
Then I said, "Little Lucas, pay attention.
We are next.
Let me explain it to you.
When the ball rolls,
you say, "Bring the soda!"
He said in a cute way,
"I can't have it. I have diabetes."
I said, "Good God."
Even though I couldn't explain
the stuff to Little Lucas,
we started the game.
It was Little Lucas, can, Thiago Poop.
John, can, me.
John was born 6'5" tall.
He came out of his mother 6'5" tall.
The doctors said, "Pull!
Pull!
The shin has come out!"
When the umbilical cord came out,
it was a kid from the street who pulled.
He said, "Come on!"
He didn't even hold a bat.
It was a fucking ironing board.
One day, when he got up to swing the bat,
Thor pulled it, thinking
it was a hammer. Ridiculous.
But we were not afraid of anyone,
because when you're a kid, you don't care.
I hit the ball three times on the floor.
I said, "Go, Poop!"
I throw the ball, it passes by Poop
and Little Lucas' can.
He looks at me and says,
"It was so strong, I couldn't catch it."
I said, "Go after the ball, baby."
When he started running,
I realized that we were going to lose.
He ran so slowly,
he looked like an old Japanese woman.
Have you seen old Japanese ladies?
I said, "Run, Lucas!"
And he said, "That's fucking hard.
Holy shit...
Nobody tells me anything,
and now I'm here running."
"I caught it."
I said, "Now squat and throw it."
Instead of going down
and doing like this, look...
No.
That son of bitch...
crouches down, gets the ball
and throws it up like this, look.
A bouncing ball
for the person who's hitting is a gift.
John had the bat on the floor.
The ball was bouncing so much,
he couldn't finish a sentence.
He was like this, "Go...
Oh, this ball will end up here.
How do you throw
a bouncing ball like this?
Remember how I taught you..."
Bow! The ball is gone. Little Lucas
was confused. He says, "Bring the soda!"
I said, "No, Lucas, run!"
Then he said, "This is fucking hard.
What a fast game.
No wonder mom said
it was the Devil's game."
Little Lucas comes and goes,
and a game that usually ends
at 2-4, 6-0
was already 16-0.
The game ends in 20.
One minute and nine seconds,
and the game was already 16-0.
I was furious.
I said, "Lucas, come here, quickly."
He said, "What is it?"
I said, "Come here
so I can talk looking at you in the eye."
"I'm not going there.
No, you're going to hit me."
I said, "If you don't come here,
I will go there."
He said,
"I want to see you catch me at home."
It took him four minutes to arrive
at his house. I was at the gate.
I thought of saying something in his face,
but I gave up.
I came to him,
"Hey, Lucas, listen up!
Lucas, do you want to lose this game?
You already lost your father."
You have to motivate the guy.
Do you think Afonso is such a success
just because of the jokes?
And I motivated him. Shocked?
Little Lucas gets the first ball
and throws it.
One backwards. Junior Blowjob stands up.
I take the second ball and throw it.
Two backwards. The person
sucking Junior's cock stands up.
Little Lucas catches
the third ball and throws it.
It's three backwards.
He's so happy he says,
"Three backwards, hand over the bat."
And a cuss word
that I'd never heard in my life.
He catches the ball and throws it.
"Three backwards, hand over the bat,
you lackwit."
I was happy, but I was like, "Lackwit?
What is 'lackwit'?"
"The same as 'brickhead.'"
I guess that's how religious people
smack talk.
Anyway, Little Lucas got the bat, right?
Since he picked up the bat,
he was the first to hit.
And as soon as he hits,
we lose the bat as quickly as we got it.
Watch. He said, "Go ahead and throw it.
Go ahead.
Because if this game is a Devil's thing,
this will go to hell."
The ball came and he said, "Go!"
I didn't even know
you could hit your own can.
I said, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"
And he said,
"My mom is calling me at home."
I said, "No, you will stay with me
until the end. Fuck it!"
I took the ball and said, "Fuck it."
I dipped it in the sewer.
If you're from the hood, you know.
When you dip a ball in the sewer,
you throw the ball,
and sludge flies in people's faces.
One day, it blinded one of the kids.
He hit the ball with only one good eye.
The next day, the kid's nickname
was Webcam. I swear to you.
I didn't even care. I said, "Go, John!"
I threw a hell of a ball,
but John was so good.
He took a step to the right
and hit the ball. Bow!
I was like, "Fuck, no!"
I caught the ball. I'm fast.
It went from 16-0 to 18-0.
I'm so mad.
I couldn't get any angrier,
until Lucas, from my team, yells,
"Bring the soda!"
"What did you say, bro?"
"No, don't bring it.
I have diabetes.
I don't even know why I said such a thing.
It was a mistake."
"See why your father left, Lucas?
Hey, Poop, real talk.
I hate it when, in movies, the creature
turns against the creator...
but 18 to nothing?
I'm not going to let you humiliate me
in front of my entire hood. So get ready.
You will see all the wrath
of my power ball."
"Yes...
you idiotic clown.
The power of my ball is over 30,000,
Kakarot.
When I transform to my second form,
you won't see the color of this ball.
Watch."
"You didn't expect that, right, Kakarot?"
Yes, your ki is completely inferior.
Get ready.
Go, Poop!"
"Car!"
"Go, Poop!"
I throw the ball even harder.
At that moment, I notice all the details,
and I raise the bat.
When the ball hits that bat,
all my hope goes to hell.
"No!
Poop!"
Poop yells...
"Come on, shit!"
- And Little Lucas...
- "Bring the soda!"
Except that the ball happens
to hit the lamppost...
...and comes back.
When it comes back,
I can't believe what is happening.
It bounces twice in front of me.
Junior Blowjob yells, "Kick it, asshole!"
I kick it in Poop's face.
"You win!"
Blowjob yells, "Hand over the bat!"
Little Lucas celebrates like Kaká.
Everyone's excited! It's the kids' time!
I take the bat in the air.
We lose the bat.
That's right, man.
Do you know what it's all about?
I'll explain.
When you establish what your rules are,
you understand what happened
in this situation.
I didn't understand the rules,
so I ended up screwing up.
It's what happens
when you don't put yourself out there.
If you don't show who you are,
people will walk all over you,
and you will fall.
When you're done setting up rules,
establish your principles.
Don't be afraid to be several versions
of yourself.
In the hood, we're not encouraged
to be who we want.
We have to be who we want to be,
and that's it.
The first version I wanted to be
was a soccer player. It didn't happen.
The second was the one
I'm going to talk about now.
When I was 14 years old,
I wanted to be a great Axé dancer.
Go fuck yourselves!
We each have our own goals!
I'm here opening up.
Don't judge me, damn it!
I was able to be a great Axé dancer.
I want to tell you this story.
Do you know why I started dancing Axé?
Because Dad liked Michael Jackson a lot.
And I wanted to be a dancer
like him, you know?
I didn't know how to dance,
so I tried Axé. My dad loved Michael.
I wanted him to love me
as much as he loved Michael.
He lied a lot about Michael Jackson.
One day I asked him,
"Where was Michael Jackson born?"
He said, "Diadema."
I said, "Damn, do they watch Jukanalha?"
One day I asked him, "Dad,
why do you like Michael Jackson so much?"
"He is the most focused man in the world."
I said, "Give an example of focus."
"Son, he was black and turned white.
Nobody knew if it was possible.
If he did it, it's because he had focus."
"Dad, do you like his singing
or dancing better?
He said, "He's a great singer,
but he's an amazing dancer."
So, at the age of 14,
I started dancing like Michael Jackson.
I was fucking awesome.
Only when you dance like him,
people stop talking to you.
You are unbearable.
They said, "Thiago." I would say, "Yes."
It was ridiculous.
Everyone walking down the street,
I'd say, "Hey, I don't know this place."
I wanted to be like Michael Jackson.
One day my mother said, "A cockroach."
"I killed it."
I wanted to be Michael Jackson.
One day the bus didn't stop,
I said, "Hey, come on.
I just want to go home."
But my Dad wouldn't let me!
He said, "You will never be
like Michael Jackson. Do you know why?
Because he knows God personally."
"Hell, but he knows everyone.
Where did you get that from?"
He said, "Watch his show.
He spins, snaps his finger,
and a divine light falls on him."
It was the first time I thought,
"Fuck you, dude."
Now that I have my own show,
check this out.
Got it?
I think it rocks to have this light here,
you know? This whole structure.
And I'm still a Michael Jackson fan.
If you are also
a Michael Jackson fan, say, "Me!"
Me!
If you think there will never be anyone
in the world of pop
- as great as Michael Jackson, say, "Me!"
- Me!
So everybody here agrees that Michael
was the pedophile that we loved the most?
Guys, what happened?
You had so much to say earlier.
Michael Jackson is a pedophile, man.
Do you think it makes me happy
to say that?
I'm a fan of the guy, I love the guy
to this day. I'm not happy, no.
The first time someone spoke badly
about him in front of me, I was pissed.
Do you know who did it? William Bonner.
So, I was home in the hood, chilling.
Bonner says, "Michael Jackson
is accused of pedophilia." I said, "No!
No, William, no!
How could you believe those liars?"
I was offended, bro.
The day after, he started the show like,
"Good evening."
I said, "Go fuck yourself!"
Good evening my ass.
If he came to my street,
he would've been threatened and slapped.
Why do I think Michael is a pedophile?
Because, like Dave Chappelle,
I watched the HBO special
that talked about all the people
who accused Michael Jackson of pedophilia.
By the way, now that I'm on Netflix,
I want to say something.
Hey, Dave Chappelle...
in Brazil, many comedians look up to you.
You feel me?
To me, you are the closest living thing
to Richard Pryor.
And I have a dream.
And in that dream,
I smoke a joint with you.
So, even though I know this shit
has subtitles, I have to...
make this request in English.
Look.
Hey, Mr. Dave Chappelle.
I have a dream.
And nesse dream...
I have a question for you.
Mr. Dave,
do you want...
fumar a joint with me?
I'm your fan, man, for real.
Why do I think Michael Jackson
really is a pedophile?
Because, like Dave Chappelle,
I watched the HBO special.
By the way, I want all of you to watch
Dave Chappelle's Sticks & Stones.
He tells some jokes saying
that Michael Jackson is not a pedophile,
and I'm here saying that he is
a pedophile. Why?
Because, in my opinion, he is.
I watched that documentary.
And those people who accused him
said some very crazy things.
You have to have a lot of courage
to make that up.
So since there was a camera on,
and they had to speak the truth,
I'm sure that Michael Jackson
is a pedophile.
I've been punched in the face,
and I've never forgotten his face.
Imagine if he had stuck
his finger inside my ass?
I would be able to tell the story
with all the details.
At the same time, I think he is
a pedophile, I don't think he died.
Who thinks Michael Jackson is alive,
say, "Me!"
Me!
And that worries me.
Because there's a documentary,
and if he's alive...
there's a good chance he watched it.
I don't know about you,
but I think of jokes for everything.
I can imagine Michael Jackson
in front of the TV, naked...
with a hard dick,
looking at his friend and saying, "Tito...
these kids are all assholes.
They promised to keep it secret.
I barely died, and they are on TV
spilling the beans. Look, Tito!"
Why am I talking about this?
Because something caught my attention
at the time the accusations started.
People went crazy.
They were like, "Motherfucker!
How can you, an adult man,
accuse an old man,
a millionaire like him, of pedophilia?
Do you want to take his money?
Why didn't you say that
when you were a child?
Why did you have to grow up
to say that someone abused you?
Why?"
Because he was a child.
See why we have to talk to our kids
about sex?
But then we turn on the TV,
and there's an idiot saying,
"Don't talk about sex with kids, okay?"
That's just messed up.
And, honestly,
you won't see me talking about politics,
because I know nothing about it.
Do you know something I know about?
Idiots.
And if you don't understand why
you have to talk about sex with kids,
to me you are an idiot.
Talk about sex with children
so that they understand
that it's okay to fall in love
or feel attracted to either sex.
Because people are attracted
to people, and that's it.
Another thing is:
"If an adult touches you,
it is not affection, it is violence.
Please tell another adult."
When I see
that people didn't understand that,
I wonder what people thought
they were supposed to say.
Should I go to my niece Ingrid, who is 12,
and talk about sex? And say, "So, love...
one day you will get fucked
on all fours.
I didn't want to talk about it, but...
I've never done it, but I've seen
a lot of people on all fours.
Hon, you should put your chest
on the ground..."
Is that what you meant?
No, just a minute.
Was I supposed to go
to my 18-year-old nephew and say,
"When she is lying on her stomach,
open her cheeks, spit on your dick and go.
Like this!
Yes.
Back and forth."
They would never tell others.
No one would believe he was a pedophile.
Because you are so addicted,
you don't realize he's making mistakes.
Just as you don't see priests, pastors,
uncles, parents, etc.
Guys, do you think,
if Michael Jackson had stuck his finger
in my ass,
and I went to tell my dad...
do you think
he would have a problem with that?
I'll act out the scene.
I'm coming back
from Michael Jackson's house.
"Hey, Dad, I coming back from Diadema.
Dad, I went to Diadema.
I was talking with Michael Jackson,
and you won't believe it.
He pulled his Billy Jean out.
I didn't understand.
I said, 'Is it Black or White?'
Then he stuck his finger in my ass,
and I said, 'Dangerous.'
Dad, I think he molested me."
I'm sure my father would say,
"I wish it had happened to me!"
But it was because
of Michael Jackson's musical influence
that I started to dance.
At that time, I set up an Axé group
called Swing Moleque.
It was me, Joabe, Felipinho,
Manu, Carina, Jéssica,
Ariana, Michele and Nego Tchan.
Nego Tchan has always been gay.
He was always gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Homo, sissy, gay!
Do you know a real gay?
That handsome gay?
Who walks proudly down the street
and lights up the places he walks in?
Everyone loves gays, right?
You're chilling, a gay man shows up,
you say, "Gay!"
That's the real gay. He's gay.
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"It's a gay!"
At the same time that he is gay,
you're straight. Straight, straight,
straight, straight, straight.
Macho, manly, gross!
Right?
He was gay. You know that gay
that recognizes the smell
and spice of the dick?
He was a Waze for dicks.
He is walking, then he stops.
You ask, "What happened?"
"There's a dick 100 feet away."
When I was 14, I made a big mistake
with my gay friend.
I'm not ashamed to say it.
I'd be if I kept making the mistake.
When I say that, women who care
about me are like, "Hey, hey, hey...
Thiago...
what mistake did you make
with your gay friend?
Were you prejudiced?"
No...
I made the mistake when I was 14. I'm 30.
Sixteen years ago,
there in Taboão da Serra,
we didn't know what prejudice was.
We were hungry.
We had other priorities.
"So, what was the mistake, my love?"
I was a jerk.
I followed the negative opinion.
A friend of mine came to me and said,
"Did you know Nego Tchan was gay?"
I said, "Son of a bitch!
He's fucking gay!
I'll tell my grandma."
I left there with a question in my head,
which was, "What is gay?"
I don't know. I'll ask my grandma.
I said, "Grandma, what is gay?"
And she, a woman of God, said, "Satan!
Thiago, listen carefully.
Two men together make a werewolf."
I said, "My goodness.
I have to warn Nego Tchan
before the full moon."
I went to his house,
I looked at him and said, "Nego Tchan,
I will ask you a question.
You answer me. Are you gay?"
- He looks at me and says...
- "Never!"
"Son of a bitch
won't tell me. I'll tell Felipinho.
I said, "Felipinho,
did you know Nego Tchan goes around
sucking people's dicks?
He's homo, sissy, gay!
I don't care if he fucks or gets fucked,
with men or women,
friends don't keep secrets.
Why does he have a secret butthole?
Why can't he tell people
he likes to get fucked?
Is he getting fucked by Ocean's Eleven?
Not knowing what to do,
he looked at me and said, "Wait.
Are you saying that Nego Tchan is gay?"
I said, "Felipe...
he spins for some back-door action.
He doesn't have a butthole.
He has a Beyblade."
"No, wait a minute. Are you saying
our Nego Tchan is gay?"
I said, "Felipe...
Throw your dick on the floor.
He'll kick it up
and grab it with his ass!
He's fucking gay!"
"No, hold on a second.
Too much information.
Are you saying...
that Nego Tchan is gay?
Damn... I didn't know.
I'll pay attention. If I find out
that he's gay, let's establish a code.
I'll look at you and do this,
'Big Big...'
Then you know that I know he's gay.
But while I'm not sure, the question is:
Hey, Big Big.
Have you tried
taking care of your own business?"
That hurt.
But he's right. This is pokas ideia.
I saw it in a movie that you need
a lot of courage to face your enemies
and twice as much courage
to face your friends.
Who said that? Albus Dumbledore.
Straight from the Hogwarts hood.
Check out my references.
When I say that,
I find it cool, because whoever applauded
is like this: "Hey, hey, hey...
Thiago...
I am Slytherin!"
We reach the fourth part of the show:
errors enable evolution.
Friends, exchange ideas.
What we need in the hood
is not more people saying we are wrong
but more people telling us
how to get it right. We need a chance.
If it took you this long to become woke,
know that other people
will deconstruct in their own time.
So, help. Don't get in the way.
If I were a smart kid,
when Felipinho said that,
I would've understood. But no...
I was 14 and an idiot.
When Felipinho told me that,
this is the answer I gave him, "Big Big,
have you thought about taking care
of your own business? "I said," Yes.
Of course I have.
Especially now with two homos
in our group."
And went back to dancing.
Nego Tchan arrives and does this...
"Attention, boys and girls."
I said, "Felipe...
he's a flamboyant diva!"
"Any news, Nego Tchan?"
He said, "I have three."
- I was like, "You have...
- three?
He's a bilingual diva!"
Meaning he sucks both ass and dick.
I said, "What's the news?" "The first news
is that I had a bandanna made
with a long ponytail up to the butt.
Now we're all going to be
much more feminine on the show."
"Felipe... Second piece of news."
"I took the liberty of having
capri pants made with an opening here
and a slit that shows
about 60% of our butt.
I call it the flow slit."
"Say what?"
He said, "Flow slit. Flow slit.
Flow slit. Flow slit."
I said, "Flow." He said, "Slit."
"What's it called again?"
He said, "Stop making fun of it."
"Then speak very slowly, 'Flow...'"
"Slit."
"Just give me a second.
I'm going to talk to Felipe."
"Flow...
Gay, man!
He is fucking gay."
"Nego Tchan, what about the third?"
"I'm very disappointed with two people
in the group,
and I'm going to fix their hip movements
the hard way."
I said, "Oh, fuck, who's first?"
He said, "For sure it's Felipinho."
I was such a dick, I celebrated.
I said, "Hey, Felipe...
he's going to fix it the hard way!
He's fucking gay!"
I said, "Second?" He said, "You."
I said, "Look at this guy, Felipe.
How do you fix the hip moment?"
"Tomorrow, you, Felipinho and I
in your room, in your bed."
I said, "Felipe...
Look at me.
Raise your head, my love.
I want you to look me in the eye.
Did you hear what he said?
Felipe...
don't miss tomorrow.
It will be hard for me.
He's not messing around."
The next morning,
I was at one end of the bed,
Felipinho at the other end of the bed,
and Nego Tchan in the middle of the bed.
Nego Tchan says,
"Come on, guys, sit on the bed."
♪ Spread, spread ♪
♪ Keep it flexed
And repeat, repeat ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ That's right, come back ♪
♪ And move it, move it, move it ♪
♪ Mmm, mmm ♪
♪ And go ♪
We danced for a long time.
I think we danced for about seven minutes.
♪ Make a ball, left, right ♪
We danced for about seven minutes.
It took a while.
Nobody was speaking.
In the bedroom, we wouldn't
even look at each other.
A very awkward situation.
Nobody said anything,
and I thought, "Felipe...
look where our friendship ended up, huh?"
About three minutes in, Nego Tchan
stopped saying "left, right, make a ball."
He stopped singing.
Without any music,
we were just three guys doing this.
Felipinho was so embarrassed
that he moved with his arms crossed.
From the waist down, party.
From the waist up, business.
I swear to you.
At one point I said,
"If my father walks in now,
I'm not sure what to say to him."
We rehearsed, we rehearsed, we rehearsed.
We reached the Axé championship finals.
We brought two full buses to cheer for us.
The kids were drumming on the bus.
Hood gets happy with cocaine. So then...
I was dancing...
Someone pulls me aside.
I said, "The fuck.
Hey, Felipinho,
just in a bandanna and underwear?
Where are your flow pants?"
He said, "Fuck, Big,
that's what I came to tell you.
I forgot the pants at home.
My Dad went to get them.
You know that Nego Tchan
went to buy some oil
to spread all over our bodies?"
I said, "What?"
When I look,
Nego Tchan coming with a tub of oil.
I said,
"Are you frying dumplings, friend?"
He said,
"This is body oil with glitter."
I said, "With glitter, Felipe.
It's not meant for humans.
It's for fairies."
We all had our hands on the wall.
Nego Tchan rubbed oil
on everyone's back.
And then he got to Felipe who only has
a bandanna and underwear on.
Nego Tchan touches Felipe's waist
and starts to rub slowly.
At that moment, you must think
that Felipe is Felipe, but no.
Felipe is a prey.
And Nego Tchan...
Ah!
Nego Tchan.
In the jungle of seduction,
Nego Tchan is a female coyote.
A female wolf.
A female crocodile.
A Chikorita.
Have you ever fucked someone,
and it felt so good you moaned like this?
Nego Tchan was breathing like this.
Nego Tchan reaches
the shoulders and trapezius,
spreads the oil all the way
to Felipe's right arm,
goes to his right
and starts rubbing slowly...
as if it was a very long dick!
Felipe's arm goes back, and the oil
concentration goes to his left shoulder.
And then Felipinho and Nego Tchan
interlace fingers,
as if it was a tantric massage
ending with an amazing hand job.
At that moment, nobody said anything,
but I thought, "Felipe..."
Nego Tchan allowed Felipinho
to go back to his normal state.
And what I expected happens.
Nego Tchan, covered with lust, touches
Felipe's waist and squeezes it.
Felipe was talking with Joabe
and didn't notice...
Nego Tchan's malice.
But Nego Tchan...
Ah!
Nego Tchan...
continues to rub Felipe's belly,
going up to his abdomen...
until his thumb reaches the nipple.
Circular movements, the nipple wakes up,
looks up at the head and says, "Felipe!
Someone's rubbing their hand here!
It's a boy's hand, Felipe."
The head gets the call from the nipple,
but when we look down,
Nego Tchan... Ah!
Nego Tchan...
is a treacherous queen!
He puts his hands on Felipe's back,
who keeps talking to Joabe.
He doesn't realize that Nego Tchan...
Ah!
Nego Tchan...
gently touches
Felipe's schlong!
And that's when, for the first time...
I saw Felipe look at me and say,
"Big Big..."
And then...
ten years passed.
My life took a turn for the better
when I started doing comedy.
Some had the audacity to say
I changed the scene.
This is very weird.
It's a really heavy burden.
So, the only thing I managed to do
was to open my eyes,
to watch out for fake friends
and people distancing for no reason.
Looking back,
Felipinho is still my friend to this day.
Unfortunately,
Nego Tchan is no longer around.
But last year, he came back.
He said he wanted to see my show.
I said, "Please, come!"
He showed up, went backstage.
We hugged and kissed.
I look at him very seriously and say,
"Hey, Nego Tchan,
my bad, man.
I'm sorry, during our childhood,
I wish I had been a good friend and...
I was a jerk.
I wanted you to know that I'm sorry and...
I wanted to help you, but I screwed you."
He said, "I wish."
I said, "Come again?"
He said, "I wish, dear.
Thi, everything's fine.
It's not just because I realized
people are horrible,
that I will stop laughing at life.
Life is tough, Thi.
We can't face it with this mindset.
Think about it.
I'm gay, I'm black,
and I'm from the hood."
"It's the combo package, right?"
He said, "Exactly.
It's the prejudice combo pack, so...
I could either laugh at life,
or I could live in eternal sadness."
I said, "Friend, are you okay?"
"I'm fabulous.
And, by the way, Thi...
I want to tell you something.
Oh, Thiago, I was waiting
for the right time, and I think it's now.
Thi,
I've been in love with someone
for a long time now.
And...
I will tell you now.
I'll go get him,
and I'll bring him right back.
Felipe...
can you go get Carlos for me?
Come, Carlos, I'm going to introduce you
to him. He's very nice.
He's got a big head, but he's very nice.
Thi?
This is Carlos.
My husband.
And my bride too.
It depends on the fetish.
I wanted you to meet him because...
I never felt so loved and so protected
in my whole life, you know?
I really wanted you...
to meet him.
This is Carlos, Thi."
I talked with the two of them
for 30 minutes.
I learned a lot about affection,
about skin color. I was a good listener.
They are a gay couple, and I'm straight,
so I had several embarrassing questions
to ask.
We were in the middle
of a serious conversation when I said,
"Who's top and who's bottom?"
I think that shit is funny.
Nego Tchan knows me. He knows it's a joke.
He said, "Shut up, silly.
What do you want to know?
I said, "I want to know how you
maintain such a healthy relationship.
Do you play FIFA?"
Nego Tchan knows me. He asked,
"Still having problems with women?"
"Can I tell you something?
Every time I see a happy couple,
I try to understand what the deal is.
Every time I got involved with someone,
I was a complete idiot."
Nego Tchan looks at me and says,
"Self-awareness, my love.
You need to be happy by yourself,
and then you'll understand
that you don't need anybody.
I was already happy alone, Carlos too.
Now that we've met,
we are a beautiful, happy gay couple.
You should try it."
The first time I thought,
"Do I have to fuck Felipinho once?"
Two seconds later, I thought,
"I don't think so.
But I understood about self-awareness.
By the way...
the two of you are very handsome,
you know?"
It created a nice, cozy feeling
in the dressing room.
When I turn around, Felipinho opens
the door. "Felipe! Nego Tchan is here!"
When we look,
the two of them are French kissing.
Felipinho says,
"Oh, he's really gay, check it out."
It's the final stretch of the show,
my friends.
Oh, you're so cute!
Let's recap.
Rules, principles, who you are,
mistakes enable evolution.
And finally, "Who do you fight for?"
Establish these five points,
and you are pokas ideia.
I'm going to say some things.
If you agree, say "yes."
Otherwise, just shut up.
Is your mom annoying?
- Yes!
- Mine too.
And she goes to church, that tramp.
I never understood that shit.
The woman leaves the house
to find Jesus and comes back with Satan.
Are your brothers and sisters still weird?
- Yes!
- And came out of the same pussy, right?
It's like it breaks sometimes,
a good one, a bad one...
Do your uncles and aunts only show up
when they need something?
- Yes!
- Does the rest of the family
- only run into you when someone dies?
- Yes!
If your family
is just like everyone else's,
why do you complain
about your family and I don't?
It's because you don't understand
your role in your family.
For you who complain about your family,
I have something to say:
Your family was already annoying
before you were born.
When you were born,
you just made it worse.
You are what I call "dead weight."
You're not worth those Racionais' lyrics
that say that a flower can bloom
even in the dump.
You are more garbage at the dump.
You've yet to figure out it's up to you
to change your family's life.
You have to be pokas ideia,
so they don't go through the same.
You don't understand that shit.
You prefer to complain like them.
Life is water.
Are you going to sink or swim?
I should be a life coach.
When I was 14, I went down the street
to talk with some kids,
and I see my friend Fábio getting punched
and shot in the chest seven times.
He died in front of everyone.
He was murdered. I was 14 years old.
Until you understand what this is,
you will not understand the scar.
You'll not understand
people from the hood.
But I can't come here,
say this and leave this awkward mood here.
No. I have to make you laugh
at this disgrace.
So, I will joke about Fábio's death.
Right now the women are like this,
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
Thiago,
do you think people will laugh
at Fábio's death?"
Yes.
Because it's not about the subject.
It's about the comedian.
When I was 14, I went down the street
to talk with some kids,
and I see my friend Fábio getting punched
and shot seven times.
My question is, "Was the punch necessary?"
It wasn't.
So, what did I do?
At 18, I decided that, when I turned 30,
I'd give my mom a house.
And I did. At 30, I would have
my house. I do.
At 30, I would be financially independent,
and I am.
At 30, I would have an amazing car.
I have a Chevy, but I'm working on it.
And, at 30, I promised my family
we would all go once a year somewhere
that is not Mongaguá.
Not that I don't like Mongaguá,
but I've been there a lot.
I set foot on the sand,
the ringworm says, "Thiago!"
And I'm very proud
that the first trip I took with my family
was to Disney, do you feel me?
That's right, my brother.
It's about progress, people.
Work for everyone.
My talent, my punchlines,
my thing, my performance,
and your money!
It was you who financed this thing.
And can I tell you something?
When we film this for Netflix,
the whole world will see it.
Brazilians will see our victory
and will say,
"Fuck, the kid went to Disney!
That's right!"
On the other hand,
the gringos will also watch it.
And they will be like this, "Look, honey.
They celebrate that they went to Disney!"
Since I'm unashamed,
hey, Netflix camera, zoom in on my face.
Just a little, 'cause it's fat.
Hey, motherfucking gringo,
respect my trip to Disney,
because you don't know what it's like
at Playcenter!
Respect me as a human being, damn it!
You don't know what it's like to spend
14 hours in line at a roller coaster,
the guy looks at you and says,
"It is undergoing maintenance."
It makes you want to murder everyone.
From age 18 until 30, I saved a lot.
Not a lot of money, a lot of saving.
For example, I always had to choose
the cheapest. Let's see if you get it.
If I was going to eat,
would I choose Fofura or Fandangos?
- Fofura!
- Fofura.
I would eat onion-and-parsley-flavored
plastic to save money.
- Toddynho or Xocopinho?
- Xocopinho!
The chocolate milk of the rat.
You drink three of those,
your belly says, "Oh, boy!"
Such a great audience.
When you spend too much time
just thinking about money
to change your family's life,
you end up becoming a materialistic guy.
But when I went to Disney,
I didn't have to worry about money.
It was our first time abroad.
We had to enjoy each other, right?
Yes!
I thought about it,
and I said, "Be cool, man."
I thought about it,
and I said, "Fuck the money!"
I put my whole family in a plane.
And that was hard, bro.
I don't know if you've already succeeded
in doing something for those you love.
But it's a great feeling.
When I saw them there, I said,
"Fuck, bro, that's amazing.
Everyone is happy,
everyone accomplished.
It was my sweat, you know?
My work, my discipline."
When I look at
my four-year-old niece, Yasmin,
she has that smile, you know?
Of someone who's eating
a nine-dollar churro.
Why is that shit so expensive?
I look at my mother, and she's buying
this 150-dollar sweatshirt.
My mother is cold. She is cold.
She said, "Wow, it's so chilly."
I said, "Hang on until we get home."
She said, "No, I'm going to buy
a sweatshirt. I'm cold."
She's cold, my mom.
My mom.
She's been going through menopause for
seven years and hasn't felt cold since.
But at Disney, she couldn't take it.
She could only take so much.
I look around,
my whole family is there, having fun.
Spending my dollars.
It was the first time
that I missed Mongaguá.
I said, "Fuck it.
I won't worry about money."
My niece walks up to me and says,
"Uncle!
My belly is growling."
I said, "Are you hungry?"
She said, "I'm hungry."
My niece is very cute.
The other day she said something funny.
She said, "Uncle!
My father said he only kind of likes you."
I said, "Tell him that we are even!"
I said, "Iara, let's have lunch.
Did you book the lunch
where we can meet Mickey?
She said, "I did.
Mickey arrives in ten minutes."
I said, "That's right! We made it, fool!"
We're eating, and Mickey arrives.
My niece says, "Mickey is here!"
I said, "Wow!
Be cool, girl!
On the outside, it's Mickey.
But who knows who's inside?
What if it's Michael Jackson?
Be cool, come on!"
Since I'm from Brazil and from the hood,
I took her hand, and I said, "Excuse me.
Can you take a picture
with my niece, you rat?
If she fucking cries,
things are going to get heated here!
Do it!"
I sat in my chair
with the posture of a thug.
We're eating, this woman shows up.
I said, "Hi, dear."
She gave me the bill. It was 440 dollars.
That's 1,700 reais.
Lunch.
Without the plane tickets.
Mickey was there, but I thought
it was Elsa because I was frozen.
The woman said, "How are you paying?"
I said, "I don't know.
Do you accept ass? My sisters are here."
I said, "Why is it 1,700 reais?"
She said,
"Because you had lunch with Mickey."
I said, "That motherfucking rat!
Why don't you go back to the manhole
with the Ninja Turtles?
For 1,700 reais,
Goofy should go down on my mom.
I hope this chicken is Uncle Scrooge,
for 1,700 reais!"
So, I made a huge scene.
When I look, my family is like this:
So, again, I'm ashamed. I think, "Again?
Thinking about money first
and my family second."
But 1,700 reais?
For a lunch?
I wasn't the only one mad.
There was another Brazilian family there
screaming like crazy.
He was angrier than me.
At one point he said,
"Take it easy my ass!"
I looked at the 1,700,
and when I look to the side,
my niece Yasmin was hugging Mickey.
She looks at Mickey and says,
"Mickey...
...you are so handsome."
And Mickey says...
I looked at that and said,
"Fuck, I was worried about money."
So, I finally got it.
I looked at the 1,700 and said,
"I can split it in ten 170 installments."
I forgot about the money and said,
"Yasmin, my love,
I love you very much, you know?"
She looks at me, smiles, and I hear...
"I'm not talking to you,
motherfucking rat!
Do you think I'm afraid of you?
Call Pluto!"
"I love you too, uncle.
Your head is just like Mickey's."
I looked at that smile, I looked
at the 1,700 and said, "Not worth it."
With 1,700, I could have given
my niece Firmino's teeth.
That crazy dude
has some bright white teeth.
He gargles with bleach.
We finish lunch and go to Pandora,
the Blue City of Avatar.
That place is so weird.
All blue, just like now.
You can't recognize anyone.
Insane. And there are some noises,
so it feels like Pandora.
There are some hidden speakers
making sounds like...
I'm walking with my family,
and my mom says, "This place is cursed.
This place needs a prayer.
You need about 40 priests
to bless this place.
This place hasn't seen
a Bible in two months."
I said, "This is another planet."
"Another planet my ass, Thiago.
This place...
is cursed by Satan."
I said, "We're at the world of Pandora.
You know the blue people from Smurfs?
We stop in a room and hear...
"Welcome, earthlings.
Welcome to Pandora.
Today you will participate in
the first simulator flight of your life.
If you pass, you will be able
to live among the avatars.
Go to the next room
and climb on the devices."
Damn it!
I said, "Fuck!"
I got on the thing
as if it were an expensive motorcycle.
I looked at my nephew and said,
"It's a Hornet, fool!
Hey, Mom, where's my Juliet?
I want to look my best."
I see my mother putting on the 3D glasses.
She's short-sighted.
She puts on the 3D glasses
and says, "I can see again, son."
I said, "My God."
I didn't understand what was happening.
To me, it was all machines.
When I put on the glasses,
I immediately entered Pandora.
I said, "Fuck me!"
The woman appears and says,
"Everything that happens in the simulator
will happen to you in real life,
so, hold on tight." She disappears.
When I look down, where's the bike?
It's a 26-foot bird, man.
All blue!
I named it São Caetano.
The thing started to walk.
It flapped its wings twice, like this.
And squeaked.
It dived in, and I said,
"Calm down, São Caetano!"
It almost hits a rock
and goes straight at 90 miles an hour.
I said, "Go ahead,
I'll cover the license plate.
Go ahead, São Caetano!
The cops can't catch us."
The bird moved to the side,
we moved to the side.
It moved to the other side,
we moved too.
At one point, it was windy in the ride.
We felt the wind for real.
When we hit some water,
we got wet for real.
At one point, we entered a forest,
and Disney added the smell
of the forest.
I've never been to a forest.
My mom smelled the plants and said,
"You're not smoking
the Devil's cigarette here, are you?"
I said, "Are you crazy, Mom? Come on."
Out of nowhere, it flaps its wing again.
And lands.
Breathes.
Only our leg is in the belly
of the animal. You won't believe it.
When the animal breathed, our leg...
We could feel the animal's breathing
on our legs.
Man, if it was crazy for me,
imagine for my mom who goes to church?
From the beginning, I could hear
my mom saying, "Help me, Lord!
Christ's blood has power!
Though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
and I'm riding the Devil's horse!
But I have Jesus' reins!"
I asked my mother, in panic,
"What are you feeling?"
She said, "A tickle."
I said, "What a crazy family!"
The ride ends.
My mom runs to me,
hugs me and cries.
I didn't get it, but nobody likes
to see their mom crying.
I said, "Can you wait outside.
I'm taking care of my mom."
I moved my mom gently and asked her,
"Hey, Mom,
why are you crying?"
She turns to me,
"I'd never flown before."
I said, "What?"
She said, "This was my first time flying.
I've flown in an airplane,
but not on an animal.
It was the first time!"
"Mom, you didn't fly.
It was a flight simulator."
She said, "But it's the same!"
I said, "A simulator simulates.
Mom, actually,
I'm used to two different reasons you cry,
anger and sadness,
but this is neither of them, you know?
Are you happy?"
Then, she said, "Yes.
But I'll tell you,
that bird was breathing.
Wow!
What a crazy ride!
I can't wait to call Fátima
and tell her about it."
I said, "But...
why are you crying?"
She said, "No reason."
I said, "Tell me. Why?"
"No reason."
By the way, bro, we need to vent, okay?
We grow up in a place
where they say we shouldn't cry,
that we don't have to talk
about our problems. We do.
Keeping it in is worse.
I said, "Go on, Mom, why are you crying?"
She said, "No, it's just that...
Nothing, son. It's just that...
I wish I could have done this
for my own mom, you know?
But...
it's okay."
I said, "Don't worry,
you would never have the money.
Just lunch would have maxed out
your department store credit card."
I told my mom, "Hey, Mom, for real?
I've only seen you cry tears of joy
twice in my life.
The first time was
when I bought you a house.
And the second time was when you flew.
Hey, shorty. Honestly.
Honestly, for real.
If I knew the price of both things,
you would have only flown.
My mother said, "I didn't fly.
I went on a flight simulator."
I said,
"Yeah, shorty, you learn fast, huh?
What's up?"
She said, "Son, look at all of this.
Look at Disney.
It was you. "I said," No, it was Mickey.
I'm still going to get that damn rat.
I'm ready to kick his head
and watch it fly through the air.
Little Lucas from Brazil will say,
'Bring a soda!'"
She said, "No, you idiot.
The fact that everyone is here.
You worked.
It was the result of your effort.
So I wanted you to know that...
I know you are sad for being away,
for not seeing us often.
But look at what you're doing
for everyone.
We love you, okay? And can I tell you?
I'm very lucky to be your mother.
And seeing you taking care of us,
you'll be a good father.
Just think about what your dad did
and do the opposite."
At that moment, I hugged my mother.
When I looked to the side, the whole
family was looking at me hugging her.
It was the first time in my life
that I felt genuine joy, you know?
It was the first time that I looked
at my family and said, "We won."
If this is the result of being pokas ideia
for 12 years, it was all worth it.
This won't be the best comedy
on the planet,
because I'm not
the best comedian there is,
but it will be unique for a lot of people,
you know?
That's what we have to do for people.
You have to work for everyone,
and you have to be the voice.
It's like I say,
"In the absence of a reference,
be the reference."
When I hugged my mom,
I should have just left.
But I gave her a hug and realized
that her head ended up right here.
When I looked to the side,
my mouth fit in my mother's ear.
And after so many beautiful words,
I needed to say something to her.
In that exact moment, those who are
my big fans already know what's happening.
And who shouldn't be here,
is thinking, "My God!"
"Rita!
These slum dwellers
have their own dialect."
And at this moment,
everyone understood and is like this,
"Hey, hey, hey.
Thiago!
You won't tell me that you said..."
"Amanakashamana."
"Amanakashamana."
Hey, everyone, straight talk,
that's all I got. Thank you.
Pokas ideia.
Everybody mixed in together in the hood.
Laughing is what makes life bearable.
Real hustlers will dribble
even the cop cars in the way.
There's where swagger comes from.
As well as your brothers, your fears,
your education and your demise.
So does he who treats us
to happiness in the purest form.
A standing round of applause
for my brother Thiago Ventura.
Make some fucking noise!
It's the hood being represented!
That's right!
Make some noise, Brazil!
From Taboão da Serra to the world.
You can sit now, my bros. We cool.
Welcome to my third comedy special.
The first one was called
Isso é Tudo Que Eu Tenho,
where I talked about the importance
of comedy in my life.
The second one was called Só Agradece,
where I talked about everything
that comedy has given me.
And the third one is called POKAS,
which is the philosophy of life
that brought me here, you know?
If you know what "pokas" means, say "me."
Me!
It's so crazy.
Most people from the hood
know what pokas is.
At the same time,
many of you are like, "No, no."
- It's short for pokas...
- ...ideia.
And pokas ideia is pokas ideia,
no matter where you are.
So, let's do this:
I'm going to say a word,
and if you think it warrants
a pokas ideia approach,
answer all together, "Pokas."
Right? Let's do it.
- Rapists.
- Pokas.
People going to a school
and shooting everyone?
Pokas.
- People who ask for a sip of your Yakult?
- Pokas.
Did you notice the Yakult sip
was louder than the rapist?
And that shows that our country
has principles.
It's okay to rape, but don't mess
with people's lactobacilli.
When my videos began to go viral,
about 70% of my audience were dudes.
And only 30% were girls. But today...
it's 50% dudes
and 50% female troublemakers.
The girls who follow me are my type.
They don't take crap from anybody
and aren't afraid to speak up.
That's right. That's right.
Straight-up sassy.
The other day, I was checking comments
on my YouTube channel.
This one guy said,
"Bro, real talk,
you haven't been funny in two years."
And this girl wrote, "Oh, yeah?
Unsubscribe and go fuck yourself."
I was like, "Damn, she has my back!"
So I have one just for women. Come on.
Is it pokas or not for that girl
who says she's your friend,
but when you break up,
she makes a move on your ex?
Pokas!
Makes you want
to pull all of your hair out, right?
Girls from Taboão da Serra are like,
"Gee, you're crazy!"
People who make
a move on your man or woman?
Pokas!
That person with bad breath
who speaks too close to you?
Pokas!
It burns your eyelashes.
Did you know that's how pink eye started?
The person's eye was good.
Something got in their eye, they said,
"Blow on it."
Seven-day sick leave.
There's this friend of mine, Eliane,
who has really bad breath.
I went to her friend, Virginia,
and said, "Virginia,
go tell Eliane she has bad breath.
I'm not going to talk to someone
who farts in my face every two minutes."
She said, "Thiago, it's not that bad."
I said, "Are you for real?
When she talks outside,
the street lamps go off."
She said, "Thiago, keep it to yourself.
She's religious. She gets upset."
"Okay. I'll be cool." When she showed up,
I stuck my finger up my ass.
She came and said, "Oi, Thiago."
I said, "Hi. How are you?"
I was like this.
Virginia came and said, "What's up?"
I was like, "If I have to smell poop,
I prefer my own."
Let's do another.
Is it pokas or not for corrupt cops?
Pokas.
Thugs who think they're boss
and don't realize
all they do is promote violence?
Pokas.
Smelly people who hug you?
Pokas.
Go fuck yourself!
People with stinky armpits
can't keep their arms down like this,
come up to you at waist height,
hug you and back the hell off.
No. They see your shoulder
and open their devil wings like this
and park their armpits on your shoulder
like it's the perfect spot
for them to rest.
And then that corrosive juice
that comes straight
from the devil's urethra
corrodes your hoodie.
You arrive in a hoodie
and leave in a tank top.
If you have a friend who stinks,
you need to tell him.
I had this problem one day.
I said, "Afonso...
Our stinky friend is coming."
You guys are the worst!
Watch what you laugh at!
"Our stinky friend is coming.
Can you tell him?
He's more your friend than mine."
Afonso looks at me and says, "Thiago...
He does stink!"
"Of course," I said.
"Last time he came to my house,
he walked in, and the wallpaper peeled.
He slept on the couch, and the couch
woke up vomiting cushions."
I said, "Can I tell him he stinks?"
Afonso was like,
"How are you going to say it?"
You just walk up to him and say,
"My man...
Straight talk,
I don't know how to say this, but...
something died inside of you."
He said, "Thiago, are you crazy?
If you say that,
people will never talk to you again."
Damn right they won't.
My friend had a white armpit, you know?
You know that yellow armpit? You know?
Whenever he wore a white T-shirt,
in two minutes his armpits were yellow.
I never understood that.
How do you wake up sweating ramen...
and you don't go to the hospital to see
why there's a beehive under your arms?
You're supposed to use Dove
on your armpit, not Tang.
Nobody ever told him he had
a yellow armpit, so life did.
Because he went to church
with the Bible under his yellow armpit.
The kids on my street said that,
in that Bible, Jesus died in Genesis.
Let's do another one.
One more.
People who borrow money
and don't pay it back?
Pokas.
People who borrow your clothes
and don't give them back.
Pokas.
Person you're having sex with
for the first time
and uses slang
only her and her friends get?
I didn't get it. Dick should be hard,
pussy should be wet, but they weren't.
Pokas!
On second thought,
I think it's more my thing than yours.
For real, though.
Intercourse was going smooth as fuck.
She suddenly goes like, "Fuck me."
I said, "I already am!"
She said, "Go on."
I was like, "I didn't even stop!"
Then she said something
I really didn't get. I had to stop.
She said, "Yes, just like that.
It feels great!
Stick that schlong in!"
I said, "What?
Stick what, my angel?"
She said, "Give me that schlong!"
I said, "What schlong?"
"That big schlong you got!"
I said, "Big schlong?"
For a moment, I thought it was a dog.
I said, "Schlong!"
"What the fuck is a schlong?"
"That thing in your hand."
I said, "That's a cock!
A cock is a cock, a schlong is a schlong!"
My cock looked at me and said,
"I don't like being called a schlong.
This woman doesn't lick me
and calls me a schlong?"
I said, "What is a schlong?"
"Take that schlong
and stick it in my coochie."
I was like, "What?"
I said, "Coochie?
Are you calling the pussy
by its legal name? What the fuck?
You've been watching too much Pokémon.
Charmander, Charmeleon,
Charizard, Charcoochie?
I watched every season of it,
and I've never seen Ash
summon a Pussykémon.
Comically,
- we established our pokas ideia philosophy
which has five points. - the rules.
Establish your own,
especially if you're from the hood.
Everybody who hangs with you
has to know who you are.
Otherwise, they will walk all over you.
The first time I realized
my life had many rules
was when I first played street cricket.
Ever played a game of taco?
- Yes!
- From the hood.
Hood people is like, "Me!"
And the rich kids are like,
"Did he say 'talcum'?
As in 'talcum powder'?
I've used Johnson & Johnson."
The first time I played taco,
my friend Thiago Poop taught me, you know?
It's Thiago Poop
because he stepped in shit barefoot.
He said it squeezes through your toes.
It's disgusting, but it's funny, right?
He said, "You even dance.
You step in it, and then do this."
The worst part is he stepped
and felt physical pain from disgust.
He stepped in it and did like this, "Ouch!
Ouch, my foot!
I stepped in it!
Turn on the hose!
It's shit!"
To save Thiago Poop,
my other friend Junior Blowjob came.
Can I explain why we call him
Junior Blowjob? Please!
It will be quick.
I was in front of my house,
and a kid came running like,
"Someone is sucking Junior's cock."
I said, "Easy, that's not how you tell
these stories.
What's happening?"
He said, "Someone...
is sucking...
Junior's cock."
I said, "Where?"
He said, "In the playground's bathroom."
I said, "For how long?"
He said, "Five minutes."
I said, "Did you see him?"
He said, "I did."
I said, "Was the door open?"
He said, "No."
"So how did you see it?
He said, "What?"
I said, "If the door was closed,
how did you see him?"
He said, "Someone is sucking
Junior's cock."
I said, "If the door was closed,
how did you see him?"
He said, "Someone is sucking
Junior's cock."
I said, "You won't say it,
so what's the plan?"
He said, "Here's the plan, man.
Let's run to the door and do this.
'Hey, Junior,
someone is sucking your cock!'"
As if Junior didn't know.
As if he would just notice in that moment.
Imagine Junior looking and saying,
"What? You don't say!"
I thought this idea was terrible,
and like any child, I said yes.
We ran there, got to the door and said,
"Let's do this."
"Hey, Junior..." There was no time.
The person sucking Junior's cock
did this... "Leave Junior alone."
Shit.
Apparently, my whole crew has come!
My friend Thiago Poop came to teach me
how to play taco.
He explained very quickly.
He said, "Thiago, attention.
Quickly, because I'm next.
Take the ball, throw it in the can.
If you make it into the can, you say,
'Hand over the bat, excuse me!'
The person will hand you
the bat in the air. Don't take it.
If you take the bat in the air,
you automatically lose.
So let the person put
the bat on the floor.
Take the ball and throw it.
If the person hits it
and it goes backwards,
once, twice,
three times, on the third one,
he gives the bat away.
Don't take the bat if it's in the air.
Let the person put the bat on the ground.
Third rule:
If you're playing and you hear,
'Car!'...
get out of the street."
Then I innocently said, "Why?"
He said, "Because a car is coming."
I said, "Is it a game rule?"
He said, "No, it's a life rule."
I said, "Next rule." He said,
"Take the ball and throw it.
If the person hits the ball...
...and you happen to run after this ball,
pay attention, they are going
to yell this, 'Bring a soda!'
They want to get under your skin
because then you'll lose the game.
So don't mind the opponents yelling, okay?
That's it. Find a pair and come play,
because you are next."
I said, "Holy shit!"
So, I was looking at everyone,
and nobody was alone.
Suddenly, there's Lucas.
Little Lucas is that friend everyone has.
You know that friend of yours
that isn't worth anything?
He was the only one left to play with me,
and I played with him.
I know when I say,
"I did, even though I didn't want to,"
the women in the audience
are like this, "Hey, hey, hey!
Thiago!
If you didn't want to play with him,
my love, why did you play?"
Because he looked pitiful, man.
A friend said she put out
for the first time
because her boyfriend asked nicely.
I said to her, "Really?"
But, seriously, Little Lucas is very cute.
You'll like him a lot,
but he's very manipulative.
He showed up like this:
"Good morning.
I'm Lucas, and there are three things
that I like a lot in humanity,
which are peace and harmony
between people,
my dad Ricardo who left me early on,
and everyone who came to the theater
and paid full price.
Hi, Thiago Big Big!"
I said, "What's up, Little Lucas?"
"Terrific.
Today is a bright day, isn't it?
The birds singing, the mice running,
and people playing taco.
My mother said that whoever plays taco
loves the Devil.
She said that people
who play tag on the street
or hide-and-seek or freeze tag
also love the Devil.
She also said people who watch
Knights of the Zodiac,
Digimon, Pokémon, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Also love the Devil.
I love God, but I wish I could love
the Devil a little, you know?
Nothing I like is a thing for Jesus!
But there is one thing I decided to try,
even though it's a Devil's thing,
because my desire to play taco
is bigger than me.
But the fact is...
to play taco...
I need something I don't have yet,
and that is a friend.
But that's okay, right?
After all, I'm used to being alone.
Just me and Jehovah.
But these days, I promised God
I would behave if he gave me a friend
to play taco with,
and I asked that his name
would be 'Thiago'."
So, I cried and said...
"Do you want to play with me?"
And then after all that manipulation,
he said, "Glory to God."
But Little Lucas is really cute.
He's very sweet.
Did you like him?
He's sweet. You can't get mad at him.
Then I said, "Little Lucas, pay attention.
We are next.
Let me explain it to you.
When the ball rolls,
you say, "Bring the soda!"
He said in a cute way,
"I can't have it. I have diabetes."
I said, "Good God."
Even though I couldn't explain
the stuff to Little Lucas,
we started the game.
It was Little Lucas, can, Thiago Poop.
John, can, me.
John was born 6'5" tall.
He came out of his mother 6'5" tall.
The doctors said, "Pull!
Pull!
The shin has come out!"
When the umbilical cord came out,
it was a kid from the street who pulled.
He said, "Come on!"
He didn't even hold a bat.
It was a fucking ironing board.
One day, when he got up to swing the bat,
Thor pulled it, thinking
it was a hammer. Ridiculous.
But we were not afraid of anyone,
because when you're a kid, you don't care.
I hit the ball three times on the floor.
I said, "Go, Poop!"
I throw the ball, it passes by Poop
and Little Lucas' can.
He looks at me and says,
"It was so strong, I couldn't catch it."
I said, "Go after the ball, baby."
When he started running,
I realized that we were going to lose.
He ran so slowly,
he looked like an old Japanese woman.
Have you seen old Japanese ladies?
I said, "Run, Lucas!"
And he said, "That's fucking hard.
Holy shit...
Nobody tells me anything,
and now I'm here running."
"I caught it."
I said, "Now squat and throw it."
Instead of going down
and doing like this, look...
No.
That son of bitch...
crouches down, gets the ball
and throws it up like this, look.
A bouncing ball
for the person who's hitting is a gift.
John had the bat on the floor.
The ball was bouncing so much,
he couldn't finish a sentence.
He was like this, "Go...
Oh, this ball will end up here.
How do you throw
a bouncing ball like this?
Remember how I taught you..."
Bow! The ball is gone. Little Lucas
was confused. He says, "Bring the soda!"
I said, "No, Lucas, run!"
Then he said, "This is fucking hard.
What a fast game.
No wonder mom said
it was the Devil's game."
Little Lucas comes and goes,
and a game that usually ends
at 2-4, 6-0
was already 16-0.
The game ends in 20.
One minute and nine seconds,
and the game was already 16-0.
I was furious.
I said, "Lucas, come here, quickly."
He said, "What is it?"
I said, "Come here
so I can talk looking at you in the eye."
"I'm not going there.
No, you're going to hit me."
I said, "If you don't come here,
I will go there."
He said,
"I want to see you catch me at home."
It took him four minutes to arrive
at his house. I was at the gate.
I thought of saying something in his face,
but I gave up.
I came to him,
"Hey, Lucas, listen up!
Lucas, do you want to lose this game?
You already lost your father."
You have to motivate the guy.
Do you think Afonso is such a success
just because of the jokes?
And I motivated him. Shocked?
Little Lucas gets the first ball
and throws it.
One backwards. Junior Blowjob stands up.
I take the second ball and throw it.
Two backwards. The person
sucking Junior's cock stands up.
Little Lucas catches
the third ball and throws it.
It's three backwards.
He's so happy he says,
"Three backwards, hand over the bat."
And a cuss word
that I'd never heard in my life.
He catches the ball and throws it.
"Three backwards, hand over the bat,
you lackwit."
I was happy, but I was like, "Lackwit?
What is 'lackwit'?"
"The same as 'brickhead.'"
I guess that's how religious people
smack talk.
Anyway, Little Lucas got the bat, right?
Since he picked up the bat,
he was the first to hit.
And as soon as he hits,
we lose the bat as quickly as we got it.
Watch. He said, "Go ahead and throw it.
Go ahead.
Because if this game is a Devil's thing,
this will go to hell."
The ball came and he said, "Go!"
I didn't even know
you could hit your own can.
I said, "No, no, no, no, no, no, no!"
And he said,
"My mom is calling me at home."
I said, "No, you will stay with me
until the end. Fuck it!"
I took the ball and said, "Fuck it."
I dipped it in the sewer.
If you're from the hood, you know.
When you dip a ball in the sewer,
you throw the ball,
and sludge flies in people's faces.
One day, it blinded one of the kids.
He hit the ball with only one good eye.
The next day, the kid's nickname
was Webcam. I swear to you.
I didn't even care. I said, "Go, John!"
I threw a hell of a ball,
but John was so good.
He took a step to the right
and hit the ball. Bow!
I was like, "Fuck, no!"
I caught the ball. I'm fast.
It went from 16-0 to 18-0.
I'm so mad.
I couldn't get any angrier,
until Lucas, from my team, yells,
"Bring the soda!"
"What did you say, bro?"
"No, don't bring it.
I have diabetes.
I don't even know why I said such a thing.
It was a mistake."
"See why your father left, Lucas?
Hey, Poop, real talk.
I hate it when, in movies, the creature
turns against the creator...
but 18 to nothing?
I'm not going to let you humiliate me
in front of my entire hood. So get ready.
You will see all the wrath
of my power ball."
"Yes...
you idiotic clown.
The power of my ball is over 30,000,
Kakarot.
When I transform to my second form,
you won't see the color of this ball.
Watch."
"You didn't expect that, right, Kakarot?"
Yes, your ki is completely inferior.
Get ready.
Go, Poop!"
"Car!"
"Go, Poop!"
I throw the ball even harder.
At that moment, I notice all the details,
and I raise the bat.
When the ball hits that bat,
all my hope goes to hell.
"No!
Poop!"
Poop yells...
"Come on, shit!"
- And Little Lucas...
- "Bring the soda!"
Except that the ball happens
to hit the lamppost...
...and comes back.
When it comes back,
I can't believe what is happening.
It bounces twice in front of me.
Junior Blowjob yells, "Kick it, asshole!"
I kick it in Poop's face.
"You win!"
Blowjob yells, "Hand over the bat!"
Little Lucas celebrates like Kaká.
Everyone's excited! It's the kids' time!
I take the bat in the air.
We lose the bat.
That's right, man.
Do you know what it's all about?
I'll explain.
When you establish what your rules are,
you understand what happened
in this situation.
I didn't understand the rules,
so I ended up screwing up.
It's what happens
when you don't put yourself out there.
If you don't show who you are,
people will walk all over you,
and you will fall.
When you're done setting up rules,
establish your principles.
Don't be afraid to be several versions
of yourself.
In the hood, we're not encouraged
to be who we want.
We have to be who we want to be,
and that's it.
The first version I wanted to be
was a soccer player. It didn't happen.
The second was the one
I'm going to talk about now.
When I was 14 years old,
I wanted to be a great Axé dancer.
Go fuck yourselves!
We each have our own goals!
I'm here opening up.
Don't judge me, damn it!
I was able to be a great Axé dancer.
I want to tell you this story.
Do you know why I started dancing Axé?
Because Dad liked Michael Jackson a lot.
And I wanted to be a dancer
like him, you know?
I didn't know how to dance,
so I tried Axé. My dad loved Michael.
I wanted him to love me
as much as he loved Michael.
He lied a lot about Michael Jackson.
One day I asked him,
"Where was Michael Jackson born?"
He said, "Diadema."
I said, "Damn, do they watch Jukanalha?"
One day I asked him, "Dad,
why do you like Michael Jackson so much?"
"He is the most focused man in the world."
I said, "Give an example of focus."
"Son, he was black and turned white.
Nobody knew if it was possible.
If he did it, it's because he had focus."
"Dad, do you like his singing
or dancing better?
He said, "He's a great singer,
but he's an amazing dancer."
So, at the age of 14,
I started dancing like Michael Jackson.
I was fucking awesome.
Only when you dance like him,
people stop talking to you.
You are unbearable.
They said, "Thiago." I would say, "Yes."
It was ridiculous.
Everyone walking down the street,
I'd say, "Hey, I don't know this place."
I wanted to be like Michael Jackson.
One day my mother said, "A cockroach."
"I killed it."
I wanted to be Michael Jackson.
One day the bus didn't stop,
I said, "Hey, come on.
I just want to go home."
But my Dad wouldn't let me!
He said, "You will never be
like Michael Jackson. Do you know why?
Because he knows God personally."
"Hell, but he knows everyone.
Where did you get that from?"
He said, "Watch his show.
He spins, snaps his finger,
and a divine light falls on him."
It was the first time I thought,
"Fuck you, dude."
Now that I have my own show,
check this out.
Got it?
I think it rocks to have this light here,
you know? This whole structure.
And I'm still a Michael Jackson fan.
If you are also
a Michael Jackson fan, say, "Me!"
Me!
If you think there will never be anyone
in the world of pop
- as great as Michael Jackson, say, "Me!"
- Me!
So everybody here agrees that Michael
was the pedophile that we loved the most?
Guys, what happened?
You had so much to say earlier.
Michael Jackson is a pedophile, man.
Do you think it makes me happy
to say that?
I'm a fan of the guy, I love the guy
to this day. I'm not happy, no.
The first time someone spoke badly
about him in front of me, I was pissed.
Do you know who did it? William Bonner.
So, I was home in the hood, chilling.
Bonner says, "Michael Jackson
is accused of pedophilia." I said, "No!
No, William, no!
How could you believe those liars?"
I was offended, bro.
The day after, he started the show like,
"Good evening."
I said, "Go fuck yourself!"
Good evening my ass.
If he came to my street,
he would've been threatened and slapped.
Why do I think Michael is a pedophile?
Because, like Dave Chappelle,
I watched the HBO special
that talked about all the people
who accused Michael Jackson of pedophilia.
By the way, now that I'm on Netflix,
I want to say something.
Hey, Dave Chappelle...
in Brazil, many comedians look up to you.
You feel me?
To me, you are the closest living thing
to Richard Pryor.
And I have a dream.
And in that dream,
I smoke a joint with you.
So, even though I know this shit
has subtitles, I have to...
make this request in English.
Look.
Hey, Mr. Dave Chappelle.
I have a dream.
And nesse dream...
I have a question for you.
Mr. Dave,
do you want...
fumar a joint with me?
I'm your fan, man, for real.
Why do I think Michael Jackson
really is a pedophile?
Because, like Dave Chappelle,
I watched the HBO special.
By the way, I want all of you to watch
Dave Chappelle's Sticks & Stones.
He tells some jokes saying
that Michael Jackson is not a pedophile,
and I'm here saying that he is
a pedophile. Why?
Because, in my opinion, he is.
I watched that documentary.
And those people who accused him
said some very crazy things.
You have to have a lot of courage
to make that up.
So since there was a camera on,
and they had to speak the truth,
I'm sure that Michael Jackson
is a pedophile.
I've been punched in the face,
and I've never forgotten his face.
Imagine if he had stuck
his finger inside my ass?
I would be able to tell the story
with all the details.
At the same time, I think he is
a pedophile, I don't think he died.
Who thinks Michael Jackson is alive,
say, "Me!"
Me!
And that worries me.
Because there's a documentary,
and if he's alive...
there's a good chance he watched it.
I don't know about you,
but I think of jokes for everything.
I can imagine Michael Jackson
in front of the TV, naked...
with a hard dick,
looking at his friend and saying, "Tito...
these kids are all assholes.
They promised to keep it secret.
I barely died, and they are on TV
spilling the beans. Look, Tito!"
Why am I talking about this?
Because something caught my attention
at the time the accusations started.
People went crazy.
They were like, "Motherfucker!
How can you, an adult man,
accuse an old man,
a millionaire like him, of pedophilia?
Do you want to take his money?
Why didn't you say that
when you were a child?
Why did you have to grow up
to say that someone abused you?
Why?"
Because he was a child.
See why we have to talk to our kids
about sex?
But then we turn on the TV,
and there's an idiot saying,
"Don't talk about sex with kids, okay?"
That's just messed up.
And, honestly,
you won't see me talking about politics,
because I know nothing about it.
Do you know something I know about?
Idiots.
And if you don't understand why
you have to talk about sex with kids,
to me you are an idiot.
Talk about sex with children
so that they understand
that it's okay to fall in love
or feel attracted to either sex.
Because people are attracted
to people, and that's it.
Another thing is:
"If an adult touches you,
it is not affection, it is violence.
Please tell another adult."
When I see
that people didn't understand that,
I wonder what people thought
they were supposed to say.
Should I go to my niece Ingrid, who is 12,
and talk about sex? And say, "So, love...
one day you will get fucked
on all fours.
I didn't want to talk about it, but...
I've never done it, but I've seen
a lot of people on all fours.
Hon, you should put your chest
on the ground..."
Is that what you meant?
No, just a minute.
Was I supposed to go
to my 18-year-old nephew and say,
"When she is lying on her stomach,
open her cheeks, spit on your dick and go.
Like this!
Yes.
Back and forth."
They would never tell others.
No one would believe he was a pedophile.
Because you are so addicted,
you don't realize he's making mistakes.
Just as you don't see priests, pastors,
uncles, parents, etc.
Guys, do you think,
if Michael Jackson had stuck his finger
in my ass,
and I went to tell my dad...
do you think
he would have a problem with that?
I'll act out the scene.
I'm coming back
from Michael Jackson's house.
"Hey, Dad, I coming back from Diadema.
Dad, I went to Diadema.
I was talking with Michael Jackson,
and you won't believe it.
He pulled his Billy Jean out.
I didn't understand.
I said, 'Is it Black or White?'
Then he stuck his finger in my ass,
and I said, 'Dangerous.'
Dad, I think he molested me."
I'm sure my father would say,
"I wish it had happened to me!"
But it was because
of Michael Jackson's musical influence
that I started to dance.
At that time, I set up an Axé group
called Swing Moleque.
It was me, Joabe, Felipinho,
Manu, Carina, Jéssica,
Ariana, Michele and Nego Tchan.
Nego Tchan has always been gay.
He was always gay. Gay, gay, gay, gay,
gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay, gay.
Homo, sissy, gay!
Do you know a real gay?
That handsome gay?
Who walks proudly down the street
and lights up the places he walks in?
Everyone loves gays, right?
You're chilling, a gay man shows up,
you say, "Gay!"
That's the real gay. He's gay.
"Is it a boy or a girl?"
"It's a gay!"
At the same time that he is gay,
you're straight. Straight, straight,
straight, straight, straight.
Macho, manly, gross!
Right?
He was gay. You know that gay
that recognizes the smell
and spice of the dick?
He was a Waze for dicks.
He is walking, then he stops.
You ask, "What happened?"
"There's a dick 100 feet away."
When I was 14, I made a big mistake
with my gay friend.
I'm not ashamed to say it.
I'd be if I kept making the mistake.
When I say that, women who care
about me are like, "Hey, hey, hey...
Thiago...
what mistake did you make
with your gay friend?
Were you prejudiced?"
No...
I made the mistake when I was 14. I'm 30.
Sixteen years ago,
there in Taboão da Serra,
we didn't know what prejudice was.
We were hungry.
We had other priorities.
"So, what was the mistake, my love?"
I was a jerk.
I followed the negative opinion.
A friend of mine came to me and said,
"Did you know Nego Tchan was gay?"
I said, "Son of a bitch!
He's fucking gay!
I'll tell my grandma."
I left there with a question in my head,
which was, "What is gay?"
I don't know. I'll ask my grandma.
I said, "Grandma, what is gay?"
And she, a woman of God, said, "Satan!
Thiago, listen carefully.
Two men together make a werewolf."
I said, "My goodness.
I have to warn Nego Tchan
before the full moon."
I went to his house,
I looked at him and said, "Nego Tchan,
I will ask you a question.
You answer me. Are you gay?"
- He looks at me and says...
- "Never!"
"Son of a bitch
won't tell me. I'll tell Felipinho.
I said, "Felipinho,
did you know Nego Tchan goes around
sucking people's dicks?
He's homo, sissy, gay!
I don't care if he fucks or gets fucked,
with men or women,
friends don't keep secrets.
Why does he have a secret butthole?
Why can't he tell people
he likes to get fucked?
Is he getting fucked by Ocean's Eleven?
Not knowing what to do,
he looked at me and said, "Wait.
Are you saying that Nego Tchan is gay?"
I said, "Felipe...
he spins for some back-door action.
He doesn't have a butthole.
He has a Beyblade."
"No, wait a minute. Are you saying
our Nego Tchan is gay?"
I said, "Felipe...
Throw your dick on the floor.
He'll kick it up
and grab it with his ass!
He's fucking gay!"
"No, hold on a second.
Too much information.
Are you saying...
that Nego Tchan is gay?
Damn... I didn't know.
I'll pay attention. If I find out
that he's gay, let's establish a code.
I'll look at you and do this,
'Big Big...'
Then you know that I know he's gay.
But while I'm not sure, the question is:
Hey, Big Big.
Have you tried
taking care of your own business?"
That hurt.
But he's right. This is pokas ideia.
I saw it in a movie that you need
a lot of courage to face your enemies
and twice as much courage
to face your friends.
Who said that? Albus Dumbledore.
Straight from the Hogwarts hood.
Check out my references.
When I say that,
I find it cool, because whoever applauded
is like this: "Hey, hey, hey...
Thiago...
I am Slytherin!"
We reach the fourth part of the show:
errors enable evolution.
Friends, exchange ideas.
What we need in the hood
is not more people saying we are wrong
but more people telling us
how to get it right. We need a chance.
If it took you this long to become woke,
know that other people
will deconstruct in their own time.
So, help. Don't get in the way.
If I were a smart kid,
when Felipinho said that,
I would've understood. But no...
I was 14 and an idiot.
When Felipinho told me that,
this is the answer I gave him, "Big Big,
have you thought about taking care
of your own business? "I said," Yes.
Of course I have.
Especially now with two homos
in our group."
And went back to dancing.
Nego Tchan arrives and does this...
"Attention, boys and girls."
I said, "Felipe...
he's a flamboyant diva!"
"Any news, Nego Tchan?"
He said, "I have three."
- I was like, "You have...
- three?
He's a bilingual diva!"
Meaning he sucks both ass and dick.
I said, "What's the news?" "The first news
is that I had a bandanna made
with a long ponytail up to the butt.
Now we're all going to be
much more feminine on the show."
"Felipe... Second piece of news."
"I took the liberty of having
capri pants made with an opening here
and a slit that shows
about 60% of our butt.
I call it the flow slit."
"Say what?"
He said, "Flow slit. Flow slit.
Flow slit. Flow slit."
I said, "Flow." He said, "Slit."
"What's it called again?"
He said, "Stop making fun of it."
"Then speak very slowly, 'Flow...'"
"Slit."
"Just give me a second.
I'm going to talk to Felipe."
"Flow...
Gay, man!
He is fucking gay."
"Nego Tchan, what about the third?"
"I'm very disappointed with two people
in the group,
and I'm going to fix their hip movements
the hard way."
I said, "Oh, fuck, who's first?"
He said, "For sure it's Felipinho."
I was such a dick, I celebrated.
I said, "Hey, Felipe...
he's going to fix it the hard way!
He's fucking gay!"
I said, "Second?" He said, "You."
I said, "Look at this guy, Felipe.
How do you fix the hip moment?"
"Tomorrow, you, Felipinho and I
in your room, in your bed."
I said, "Felipe...
Look at me.
Raise your head, my love.
I want you to look me in the eye.
Did you hear what he said?
Felipe...
don't miss tomorrow.
It will be hard for me.
He's not messing around."
The next morning,
I was at one end of the bed,
Felipinho at the other end of the bed,
and Nego Tchan in the middle of the bed.
Nego Tchan says,
"Come on, guys, sit on the bed."
♪ Spread, spread ♪
♪ Keep it flexed
And repeat, repeat ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ Left, right And make a ball ♪
♪ That's right, come back ♪
♪ And move it, move it, move it ♪
♪ Mmm, mmm ♪
♪ And go ♪
We danced for a long time.
I think we danced for about seven minutes.
♪ Make a ball, left, right ♪
We danced for about seven minutes.
It took a while.
Nobody was speaking.
In the bedroom, we wouldn't
even look at each other.
A very awkward situation.
Nobody said anything,
and I thought, "Felipe...
look where our friendship ended up, huh?"
About three minutes in, Nego Tchan
stopped saying "left, right, make a ball."
He stopped singing.
Without any music,
we were just three guys doing this.
Felipinho was so embarrassed
that he moved with his arms crossed.
From the waist down, party.
From the waist up, business.
I swear to you.
At one point I said,
"If my father walks in now,
I'm not sure what to say to him."
We rehearsed, we rehearsed, we rehearsed.
We reached the Axé championship finals.
We brought two full buses to cheer for us.
The kids were drumming on the bus.
Hood gets happy with cocaine. So then...
I was dancing...
Someone pulls me aside.
I said, "The fuck.
Hey, Felipinho,
just in a bandanna and underwear?
Where are your flow pants?"
He said, "Fuck, Big,
that's what I came to tell you.
I forgot the pants at home.
My Dad went to get them.
You know that Nego Tchan
went to buy some oil
to spread all over our bodies?"
I said, "What?"
When I look,
Nego Tchan coming with a tub of oil.
I said,
"Are you frying dumplings, friend?"
He said,
"This is body oil with glitter."
I said, "With glitter, Felipe.
It's not meant for humans.
It's for fairies."
We all had our hands on the wall.
Nego Tchan rubbed oil
on everyone's back.
And then he got to Felipe who only has
a bandanna and underwear on.
Nego Tchan touches Felipe's waist
and starts to rub slowly.
At that moment, you must think
that Felipe is Felipe, but no.
Felipe is a prey.
And Nego Tchan...
Ah!
Nego Tchan.
In the jungle of seduction,
Nego Tchan is a female coyote.
A female wolf.
A female crocodile.
A Chikorita.
Have you ever fucked someone,
and it felt so good you moaned like this?
Nego Tchan was breathing like this.
Nego Tchan reaches
the shoulders and trapezius,
spreads the oil all the way
to Felipe's right arm,
goes to his right
and starts rubbing slowly...
as if it was a very long dick!
Felipe's arm goes back, and the oil
concentration goes to his left shoulder.
And then Felipinho and Nego Tchan
interlace fingers,
as if it was a tantric massage
ending with an amazing hand job.
At that moment, nobody said anything,
but I thought, "Felipe..."
Nego Tchan allowed Felipinho
to go back to his normal state.
And what I expected happens.
Nego Tchan, covered with lust, touches
Felipe's waist and squeezes it.
Felipe was talking with Joabe
and didn't notice...
Nego Tchan's malice.
But Nego Tchan...
Ah!
Nego Tchan...
continues to rub Felipe's belly,
going up to his abdomen...
until his thumb reaches the nipple.
Circular movements, the nipple wakes up,
looks up at the head and says, "Felipe!
Someone's rubbing their hand here!
It's a boy's hand, Felipe."
The head gets the call from the nipple,
but when we look down,
Nego Tchan... Ah!
Nego Tchan...
is a treacherous queen!
He puts his hands on Felipe's back,
who keeps talking to Joabe.
He doesn't realize that Nego Tchan...
Ah!
Nego Tchan...
gently touches
Felipe's schlong!
And that's when, for the first time...
I saw Felipe look at me and say,
"Big Big..."
And then...
ten years passed.
My life took a turn for the better
when I started doing comedy.
Some had the audacity to say
I changed the scene.
This is very weird.
It's a really heavy burden.
So, the only thing I managed to do
was to open my eyes,
to watch out for fake friends
and people distancing for no reason.
Looking back,
Felipinho is still my friend to this day.
Unfortunately,
Nego Tchan is no longer around.
But last year, he came back.
He said he wanted to see my show.
I said, "Please, come!"
He showed up, went backstage.
We hugged and kissed.
I look at him very seriously and say,
"Hey, Nego Tchan,
my bad, man.
I'm sorry, during our childhood,
I wish I had been a good friend and...
I was a jerk.
I wanted you to know that I'm sorry and...
I wanted to help you, but I screwed you."
He said, "I wish."
I said, "Come again?"
He said, "I wish, dear.
Thi, everything's fine.
It's not just because I realized
people are horrible,
that I will stop laughing at life.
Life is tough, Thi.
We can't face it with this mindset.
Think about it.
I'm gay, I'm black,
and I'm from the hood."
"It's the combo package, right?"
He said, "Exactly.
It's the prejudice combo pack, so...
I could either laugh at life,
or I could live in eternal sadness."
I said, "Friend, are you okay?"
"I'm fabulous.
And, by the way, Thi...
I want to tell you something.
Oh, Thiago, I was waiting
for the right time, and I think it's now.
Thi,
I've been in love with someone
for a long time now.
And...
I will tell you now.
I'll go get him,
and I'll bring him right back.
Felipe...
can you go get Carlos for me?
Come, Carlos, I'm going to introduce you
to him. He's very nice.
He's got a big head, but he's very nice.
Thi?
This is Carlos.
My husband.
And my bride too.
It depends on the fetish.
I wanted you to meet him because...
I never felt so loved and so protected
in my whole life, you know?
I really wanted you...
to meet him.
This is Carlos, Thi."
I talked with the two of them
for 30 minutes.
I learned a lot about affection,
about skin color. I was a good listener.
They are a gay couple, and I'm straight,
so I had several embarrassing questions
to ask.
We were in the middle
of a serious conversation when I said,
"Who's top and who's bottom?"
I think that shit is funny.
Nego Tchan knows me. He knows it's a joke.
He said, "Shut up, silly.
What do you want to know?
I said, "I want to know how you
maintain such a healthy relationship.
Do you play FIFA?"
Nego Tchan knows me. He asked,
"Still having problems with women?"
"Can I tell you something?
Every time I see a happy couple,
I try to understand what the deal is.
Every time I got involved with someone,
I was a complete idiot."
Nego Tchan looks at me and says,
"Self-awareness, my love.
You need to be happy by yourself,
and then you'll understand
that you don't need anybody.
I was already happy alone, Carlos too.
Now that we've met,
we are a beautiful, happy gay couple.
You should try it."
The first time I thought,
"Do I have to fuck Felipinho once?"
Two seconds later, I thought,
"I don't think so.
But I understood about self-awareness.
By the way...
the two of you are very handsome,
you know?"
It created a nice, cozy feeling
in the dressing room.
When I turn around, Felipinho opens
the door. "Felipe! Nego Tchan is here!"
When we look,
the two of them are French kissing.
Felipinho says,
"Oh, he's really gay, check it out."
It's the final stretch of the show,
my friends.
Oh, you're so cute!
Let's recap.
Rules, principles, who you are,
mistakes enable evolution.
And finally, "Who do you fight for?"
Establish these five points,
and you are pokas ideia.
I'm going to say some things.
If you agree, say "yes."
Otherwise, just shut up.
Is your mom annoying?
- Yes!
- Mine too.
And she goes to church, that tramp.
I never understood that shit.
The woman leaves the house
to find Jesus and comes back with Satan.
Are your brothers and sisters still weird?
- Yes!
- And came out of the same pussy, right?
It's like it breaks sometimes,
a good one, a bad one...
Do your uncles and aunts only show up
when they need something?
- Yes!
- Does the rest of the family
- only run into you when someone dies?
- Yes!
If your family
is just like everyone else's,
why do you complain
about your family and I don't?
It's because you don't understand
your role in your family.
For you who complain about your family,
I have something to say:
Your family was already annoying
before you were born.
When you were born,
you just made it worse.
You are what I call "dead weight."
You're not worth those Racionais' lyrics
that say that a flower can bloom
even in the dump.
You are more garbage at the dump.
You've yet to figure out it's up to you
to change your family's life.
You have to be pokas ideia,
so they don't go through the same.
You don't understand that shit.
You prefer to complain like them.
Life is water.
Are you going to sink or swim?
I should be a life coach.
When I was 14, I went down the street
to talk with some kids,
and I see my friend Fábio getting punched
and shot in the chest seven times.
He died in front of everyone.
He was murdered. I was 14 years old.
Until you understand what this is,
you will not understand the scar.
You'll not understand
people from the hood.
But I can't come here,
say this and leave this awkward mood here.
No. I have to make you laugh
at this disgrace.
So, I will joke about Fábio's death.
Right now the women are like this,
"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...
Thiago,
do you think people will laugh
at Fábio's death?"
Yes.
Because it's not about the subject.
It's about the comedian.
When I was 14, I went down the street
to talk with some kids,
and I see my friend Fábio getting punched
and shot seven times.
My question is, "Was the punch necessary?"
It wasn't.
So, what did I do?
At 18, I decided that, when I turned 30,
I'd give my mom a house.
And I did. At 30, I would have
my house. I do.
At 30, I would be financially independent,
and I am.
At 30, I would have an amazing car.
I have a Chevy, but I'm working on it.
And, at 30, I promised my family
we would all go once a year somewhere
that is not Mongaguá.
Not that I don't like Mongaguá,
but I've been there a lot.
I set foot on the sand,
the ringworm says, "Thiago!"
And I'm very proud
that the first trip I took with my family
was to Disney, do you feel me?
That's right, my brother.
It's about progress, people.
Work for everyone.
My talent, my punchlines,
my thing, my performance,
and your money!
It was you who financed this thing.
And can I tell you something?
When we film this for Netflix,
the whole world will see it.
Brazilians will see our victory
and will say,
"Fuck, the kid went to Disney!
That's right!"
On the other hand,
the gringos will also watch it.
And they will be like this, "Look, honey.
They celebrate that they went to Disney!"
Since I'm unashamed,
hey, Netflix camera, zoom in on my face.
Just a little, 'cause it's fat.
Hey, motherfucking gringo,
respect my trip to Disney,
because you don't know what it's like
at Playcenter!
Respect me as a human being, damn it!
You don't know what it's like to spend
14 hours in line at a roller coaster,
the guy looks at you and says,
"It is undergoing maintenance."
It makes you want to murder everyone.
From age 18 until 30, I saved a lot.
Not a lot of money, a lot of saving.
For example, I always had to choose
the cheapest. Let's see if you get it.
If I was going to eat,
would I choose Fofura or Fandangos?
- Fofura!
- Fofura.
I would eat onion-and-parsley-flavored
plastic to save money.
- Toddynho or Xocopinho?
- Xocopinho!
The chocolate milk of the rat.
You drink three of those,
your belly says, "Oh, boy!"
Such a great audience.
When you spend too much time
just thinking about money
to change your family's life,
you end up becoming a materialistic guy.
But when I went to Disney,
I didn't have to worry about money.
It was our first time abroad.
We had to enjoy each other, right?
Yes!
I thought about it,
and I said, "Be cool, man."
I thought about it,
and I said, "Fuck the money!"
I put my whole family in a plane.
And that was hard, bro.
I don't know if you've already succeeded
in doing something for those you love.
But it's a great feeling.
When I saw them there, I said,
"Fuck, bro, that's amazing.
Everyone is happy,
everyone accomplished.
It was my sweat, you know?
My work, my discipline."
When I look at
my four-year-old niece, Yasmin,
she has that smile, you know?
Of someone who's eating
a nine-dollar churro.
Why is that shit so expensive?
I look at my mother, and she's buying
this 150-dollar sweatshirt.
My mother is cold. She is cold.
She said, "Wow, it's so chilly."
I said, "Hang on until we get home."
She said, "No, I'm going to buy
a sweatshirt. I'm cold."
She's cold, my mom.
My mom.
She's been going through menopause for
seven years and hasn't felt cold since.
But at Disney, she couldn't take it.
She could only take so much.
I look around,
my whole family is there, having fun.
Spending my dollars.
It was the first time
that I missed Mongaguá.
I said, "Fuck it.
I won't worry about money."
My niece walks up to me and says,
"Uncle!
My belly is growling."
I said, "Are you hungry?"
She said, "I'm hungry."
My niece is very cute.
The other day she said something funny.
She said, "Uncle!
My father said he only kind of likes you."
I said, "Tell him that we are even!"
I said, "Iara, let's have lunch.
Did you book the lunch
where we can meet Mickey?
She said, "I did.
Mickey arrives in ten minutes."
I said, "That's right! We made it, fool!"
We're eating, and Mickey arrives.
My niece says, "Mickey is here!"
I said, "Wow!
Be cool, girl!
On the outside, it's Mickey.
But who knows who's inside?
What if it's Michael Jackson?
Be cool, come on!"
Since I'm from Brazil and from the hood,
I took her hand, and I said, "Excuse me.
Can you take a picture
with my niece, you rat?
If she fucking cries,
things are going to get heated here!
Do it!"
I sat in my chair
with the posture of a thug.
We're eating, this woman shows up.
I said, "Hi, dear."
She gave me the bill. It was 440 dollars.
That's 1,700 reais.
Lunch.
Without the plane tickets.
Mickey was there, but I thought
it was Elsa because I was frozen.
The woman said, "How are you paying?"
I said, "I don't know.
Do you accept ass? My sisters are here."
I said, "Why is it 1,700 reais?"
She said,
"Because you had lunch with Mickey."
I said, "That motherfucking rat!
Why don't you go back to the manhole
with the Ninja Turtles?
For 1,700 reais,
Goofy should go down on my mom.
I hope this chicken is Uncle Scrooge,
for 1,700 reais!"
So, I made a huge scene.
When I look, my family is like this:
So, again, I'm ashamed. I think, "Again?
Thinking about money first
and my family second."
But 1,700 reais?
For a lunch?
I wasn't the only one mad.
There was another Brazilian family there
screaming like crazy.
He was angrier than me.
At one point he said,
"Take it easy my ass!"
I looked at the 1,700,
and when I look to the side,
my niece Yasmin was hugging Mickey.
She looks at Mickey and says,
"Mickey...
...you are so handsome."
And Mickey says...
I looked at that and said,
"Fuck, I was worried about money."
So, I finally got it.
I looked at the 1,700 and said,
"I can split it in ten 170 installments."
I forgot about the money and said,
"Yasmin, my love,
I love you very much, you know?"
She looks at me, smiles, and I hear...
"I'm not talking to you,
motherfucking rat!
Do you think I'm afraid of you?
Call Pluto!"
"I love you too, uncle.
Your head is just like Mickey's."
I looked at that smile, I looked
at the 1,700 and said, "Not worth it."
With 1,700, I could have given
my niece Firmino's teeth.
That crazy dude
has some bright white teeth.
He gargles with bleach.
We finish lunch and go to Pandora,
the Blue City of Avatar.
That place is so weird.
All blue, just like now.
You can't recognize anyone.
Insane. And there are some noises,
so it feels like Pandora.
There are some hidden speakers
making sounds like...
I'm walking with my family,
and my mom says, "This place is cursed.
This place needs a prayer.
You need about 40 priests
to bless this place.
This place hasn't seen
a Bible in two months."
I said, "This is another planet."
"Another planet my ass, Thiago.
This place...
is cursed by Satan."
I said, "We're at the world of Pandora.
You know the blue people from Smurfs?
We stop in a room and hear...
"Welcome, earthlings.
Welcome to Pandora.
Today you will participate in
the first simulator flight of your life.
If you pass, you will be able
to live among the avatars.
Go to the next room
and climb on the devices."
Damn it!
I said, "Fuck!"
I got on the thing
as if it were an expensive motorcycle.
I looked at my nephew and said,
"It's a Hornet, fool!
Hey, Mom, where's my Juliet?
I want to look my best."
I see my mother putting on the 3D glasses.
She's short-sighted.
She puts on the 3D glasses
and says, "I can see again, son."
I said, "My God."
I didn't understand what was happening.
To me, it was all machines.
When I put on the glasses,
I immediately entered Pandora.
I said, "Fuck me!"
The woman appears and says,
"Everything that happens in the simulator
will happen to you in real life,
so, hold on tight." She disappears.
When I look down, where's the bike?
It's a 26-foot bird, man.
All blue!
I named it São Caetano.
The thing started to walk.
It flapped its wings twice, like this.
And squeaked.
It dived in, and I said,
"Calm down, São Caetano!"
It almost hits a rock
and goes straight at 90 miles an hour.
I said, "Go ahead,
I'll cover the license plate.
Go ahead, São Caetano!
The cops can't catch us."
The bird moved to the side,
we moved to the side.
It moved to the other side,
we moved too.
At one point, it was windy in the ride.
We felt the wind for real.
When we hit some water,
we got wet for real.
At one point, we entered a forest,
and Disney added the smell
of the forest.
I've never been to a forest.
My mom smelled the plants and said,
"You're not smoking
the Devil's cigarette here, are you?"
I said, "Are you crazy, Mom? Come on."
Out of nowhere, it flaps its wing again.
And lands.
Breathes.
Only our leg is in the belly
of the animal. You won't believe it.
When the animal breathed, our leg...
We could feel the animal's breathing
on our legs.
Man, if it was crazy for me,
imagine for my mom who goes to church?
From the beginning, I could hear
my mom saying, "Help me, Lord!
Christ's blood has power!
Though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
and I'm riding the Devil's horse!
But I have Jesus' reins!"
I asked my mother, in panic,
"What are you feeling?"
She said, "A tickle."
I said, "What a crazy family!"
The ride ends.
My mom runs to me,
hugs me and cries.
I didn't get it, but nobody likes
to see their mom crying.
I said, "Can you wait outside.
I'm taking care of my mom."
I moved my mom gently and asked her,
"Hey, Mom,
why are you crying?"
She turns to me,
"I'd never flown before."
I said, "What?"
She said, "This was my first time flying.
I've flown in an airplane,
but not on an animal.
It was the first time!"
"Mom, you didn't fly.
It was a flight simulator."
She said, "But it's the same!"
I said, "A simulator simulates.
Mom, actually,
I'm used to two different reasons you cry,
anger and sadness,
but this is neither of them, you know?
Are you happy?"
Then, she said, "Yes.
But I'll tell you,
that bird was breathing.
Wow!
What a crazy ride!
I can't wait to call Fátima
and tell her about it."
I said, "But...
why are you crying?"
She said, "No reason."
I said, "Tell me. Why?"
"No reason."
By the way, bro, we need to vent, okay?
We grow up in a place
where they say we shouldn't cry,
that we don't have to talk
about our problems. We do.
Keeping it in is worse.
I said, "Go on, Mom, why are you crying?"
She said, "No, it's just that...
Nothing, son. It's just that...
I wish I could have done this
for my own mom, you know?
But...
it's okay."
I said, "Don't worry,
you would never have the money.
Just lunch would have maxed out
your department store credit card."
I told my mom, "Hey, Mom, for real?
I've only seen you cry tears of joy
twice in my life.
The first time was
when I bought you a house.
And the second time was when you flew.
Hey, shorty. Honestly.
Honestly, for real.
If I knew the price of both things,
you would have only flown.
My mother said, "I didn't fly.
I went on a flight simulator."
I said,
"Yeah, shorty, you learn fast, huh?
What's up?"
She said, "Son, look at all of this.
Look at Disney.
It was you. "I said," No, it was Mickey.
I'm still going to get that damn rat.
I'm ready to kick his head
and watch it fly through the air.
Little Lucas from Brazil will say,
'Bring a soda!'"
She said, "No, you idiot.
The fact that everyone is here.
You worked.
It was the result of your effort.
So I wanted you to know that...
I know you are sad for being away,
for not seeing us often.
But look at what you're doing
for everyone.
We love you, okay? And can I tell you?
I'm very lucky to be your mother.
And seeing you taking care of us,
you'll be a good father.
Just think about what your dad did
and do the opposite."
At that moment, I hugged my mother.
When I looked to the side, the whole
family was looking at me hugging her.
It was the first time in my life
that I felt genuine joy, you know?
It was the first time that I looked
at my family and said, "We won."
If this is the result of being pokas ideia
for 12 years, it was all worth it.
This won't be the best comedy
on the planet,
because I'm not
the best comedian there is,
but it will be unique for a lot of people,
you know?
That's what we have to do for people.
You have to work for everyone,
and you have to be the voice.
It's like I say,
"In the absence of a reference,
be the reference."
When I hugged my mom,
I should have just left.
But I gave her a hug and realized
that her head ended up right here.
When I looked to the side,
my mouth fit in my mother's ear.
And after so many beautiful words,
I needed to say something to her.
In that exact moment, those who are
my big fans already know what's happening.
And who shouldn't be here,
is thinking, "My God!"
"Rita!
These slum dwellers
have their own dialect."
And at this moment,
everyone understood and is like this,
"Hey, hey, hey.
Thiago!
You won't tell me that you said..."
"Amanakashamana."
"Amanakashamana."
Hey, everyone, straight talk,
that's all I got. Thank you.
Pokas ideia.