The Witching (1993) - full transcript
A family finds that the refrigerator in their kitchen is a gateway to Hell, and they must battle a witch.
-Now you've got the number of
the Wemblyville Lyr Theater,
in case you should have to
have us paged while we're gone.
-Yeah.
-And the emergency room and
the fire department, in case
the house should catch fire.
-Yes, ma.
-Can we-- can we leave
some time, please?
All this on and on and on.
If we get the car right now, we
might be able to get down there
just in time to see them
clean up after the show.
-And don't forget.
Give Grandma her
vitamins at 6 o'clock.
Put the medication
on her corns at 7:30.
Oh, and you can't
use the microwave
when Grandma's in the kitchen.
It sets off her pacemaker.
And goodness knows we
wouldn't want that.
And don't tell her
her dog is dead.
She still doesn't know that yet.
-Can't we get somewhere on
time for once, for pete's sake?
-Honey, I know you're
upset about not getting
to go to the rock concert,
but your dad and I have really
been looking forward to
seeing Bonnie Franklin's
off-Broadway one-woman
production of "Evita,"
and we don't get out that much.
There will be other
rock concerts.
I promise.
-I know.
[BIKE HORN HONKING]
-Hi, Stewart.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Goodman.
I decided to come over since
you can't go to the concert.
See?
I brought Parcheesi.
[GROANS]
-[SCOFFS] Morris.
-Wow.
-Greetings, neighbors.
-Hi, Mr. Flopchek.
How you doing?
-Just fine, Mrs. Goodman.
Still looking for those
goddamn UFOs that took my wife.
And when they come
back, I'll be ready.
-Gee, I didn't know Mr.
Flopchek was married.
-He's not.
What a freak.
-Stewart, that's not very nice.
Mr. Flopchek had a very
bad experience in Vietnam.
And for what it's worth, I
think he's coping marvelously.
-Yeah.
When they come
back, I'll be ready.
-He's nuttier than a damn
fruitcake, if you ask me.
-[GASPS]
Now you've got
everything, right?
-I'm fine, mom.
OK?
I'll be all right, really.
-My little Stewie's
all grown up!
-Mom, you're cutting
off my oxygen supply.
-Ohh.
Oh.
[SOBBING]
Mark, doesn't our Stewart
look all grown up?
-Dear, dear, dear,
you're embarrassing us
in front of the
whole neighborhood.
-All right.
Oh, goodness.
-Oh, and son, I know we've had
our differences in the past,
I know with the kind of clothes
you wear and the loud rock
music you listen to and the
fact you haven't worked a day
in your life, but
I have confidence--
-I know.
I know.
You don't have to say it.
-I have confidence
that tonight you'll
take good care of your grandma.
And if you don't, I'm
gonna ship your butt off
to military school.
-[SIGHS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
-Time to break
out the Parcheesi.
[SPOOKY SOUNDS OF HORROR FILM ON
TV]
Oh, wow.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): And
we'll return to "1979 Horror
Classics, Sweaty
Maids from Hell,"
starring Gabe Kaplan,
Norman Fell, Anne Rand
right after this
commercial break.
-Well, "Jeopardy"
certainly has changed
since the last time I saw it.
[CHUCKLES] Why didn't Alex
Trebek have any pants on?
[SIGHS] I guess I'm just
not up with the times.
[SIGHS] I don't understand.
-I think I'll go down to the
basement for a little while.
Is that gonna be
OK with everybody?
-I'll go with you.
-I'll be just fine, Stewart.
Me and Chewy are gonna
sit here and watch
the rest of "Jeopardy."
You kids run on
and have your fun.
-Thanks, Grandma.
-Well, what's up, man?
-Nothing.
Don't worry about it.
OK?
-Well, you called me a
jerkoff for no reason.
-I always call you a
jerkoff for no reason.
-Well, yeah.
But this time you sounded
like you meant it.
-Look, here's the bottom line.
This sucks.
This bites the big one.
You know where I
should be right now?
Do you?
I should be in the men's room at
the Wemblyville Coliseum puking
up blood in a paid
toilet while Blacktooth
plays their last set.
Do I get to do
what I want to do?
No.
I got to sit around the
house on a Friday night
with my senile old
grandma and her dead dog,
not to mention you following me
around like my goddamn shadow.
I don't get it.
I mean, would you rather go
see Bonnie Franklin in "Evita"
or see Blacktooth
live in concern?
-Hmm.
I don't know.
She was pretty spunky
in "Once Day at a Time."
I'm gonna have to think
about that one for a while.
-Forget it.
Just forget it, OK?
You don't get it.
I'm trapped here for the rest
of my stupid, useless life.
My dad's probably gonna
put me in military school
or my mom's gonna poison
me with her cooking,
and I won't get to do a damn
thing that I wanna do because I
gotta babysit my grandma
for the rest of my life.
-Well, maybe we could
run away to Canada
and become lumberjacks.
-I'm just sick of my life
being so boring all the time.
That's all.
Why can't I just once
do something I wanna do?
Just once.
Morris, there's a light
coming out of this hole.
-(WORRIEDLY) I
see that, Stewart.
-That's not ordinary, right?
-No.
-What the hell?
It's just a light, right?
A light can't hurt you.
-Jeez.
I don't know if you should
be doing that, Stewart.
Remember the movie
"The Amityville Horror"
where they found that
weird room in the basement
that was painted in human blood?
-Morris.
-What?
-Shut the hell up.
The light went out.
-Yeah, I think that's what
happened in the movie right
before the dad got
possessed and started
hacking up everybody
with a pickax.
-Quiet.
I see something.
-Is it something scary?
Is it dripping blood?
I bet it's dripping blood.
-I'm trying to look at this.
Morris, you know what this is?
This belonged to my great
ancestor Goodman Benny.
I think it's his diary.
-Goodman Benny?
Isn't he that bandleader guy?
-Goodman Benny came to the
States back in the 1600s.
I remember Gramps and
Grandma telling me about him.
He's the one who
built this house.
They also said he
was a witch hunter.
-Witch hunter?
Wow.
-"It is with great trepidation
that I set these words to paper
on this date, July 15, 1693."
Wh--
-That's today, Stewart.
That's 300 years ago today.
-Yeah, I know.
"I am Goodman Benny, a
respected and church-going
citizen of the
township of Wembley.
It is on occasion that I
am empowered by the Church
to go forth and seek out those
witches and minions of Satan
who would corrupt our society."
-So I guess he really
was a witch hunter.
-"Know that I have succeeded
beyond all measure in capturing
the queen of witches,
Morgana of Oberon.
It is she who had laid plans
to construct a terrible machine
known by her ilk as the
Pazuzu Configuration.
This machine would immerse our
land in an eternal darkness
and allow her demonic minions to
run free over the countryside.
Her construct was
thwarted, needing
three essential
elements in order
to work, meat that is not
meat, the clock that counts
the beat of a heart, and
three drafts of virgin blood."
-Jeez.
Sounds like the
end of "Star Wars,"
you know right before the Death
Star blew up before Darth Vader
could use it to destroy
the Rebel Force?
-I'm trying to read this, OK?
-Jeez.
OK.
-"I have captured
this foul hellion,
and using such arcane measures
as are allowed to me through
the scriptures of our Church
have dispatched the creature
and her acole--
aculeets-- acolytes
to limbo over the gateway.
I have constructed this house,
where I now reside, in order
to ensure that dread Morgana
will not walk the Earth again."
-This house?
-Morris, it's not
like there were
really witches or anything.
OK?
I mean, these are
the same people
who thought the Earth was flat
and flew kites in rainstorms.
-Ye-- yeah, but still--
-"Know that I have left
here my ledger as a warning.
300 years hence, there
shall be a weakening
in the spell which
binds Morgana to limbo.
Do not tempt fate by
reading the words which
shall crack open the
gateway entirely."
-What words?
-I think it's right here.
See?
It says, "here are
recorded the words
of the binding incantation.
Chadu--"
-Don't!
Don't read it!
-Jesus Christ, Morris.
You're not really falling
for this crap, are you?
-Yeah, well, the guy
said not to read it.
Maybe it's not such a
hot idea to read it.
That's all.
-You're scared, aren't you?
-Uh uh.
I'm just pointing out something.
-Fine.
Then I'll go ahead and read it.
"Chaduke nostram chao, klatu
baradas niktu blahda blah
farfegnugen koko oni, dokko
oni, watachi wa oniga sukiden."
-I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
-"Fing fong badabing
badabingbong."
-Hey, nothing happened.
-See?
I told you it
wasn't anything to--
[LOUD CRASHING NOISE]
---(QUIETLY) worry about.
-Gracious, Chewy.
Excuse yourself.
-What happened just then?
-A coincidence, that's all.
Just a coincidence.
-Coincidence?
-Yeah, you know.
It could've been
a truck going by.
It could've been a
freak earthquake.
It could've been
Grandma keeling over
from a heart attack upstairs.
It could've been anything.
-Yeah, like the gates of limbo
opening up, for instance.
-Morris.
-Yes, Stewart?
-Shut the hell up.
Look.
I'll get you a
Coke or something.
You like Coke, right?
MORRIS: Mm hmm.
-Good.
I'll get you a Coke, and maybe
you'll stop freaking out on me.
Look, Morris, you
gotta stop being
so goddamn gullible
all the time.
I mean, if the doorway
to this limbo place
were gonna open up because I
read something out of a book,
you'd see it, right?
MORRIS: I guess so, Stewart.
-Well, there you go then.
There is a hallway
in my refrigerator.
-Uh, I saw that, Stewart.
-There is a hallway
in my refrigerator!
A goddamn hallway
in my refrigerator!
-(LOUDLY) Well, OK, Stewart.
OK! [GASPING] (FEARFULLY)
Please don't hurt me.
-First of all, when mom and
dad get back from the theater,
they're gonna see this
and shit dead puppies.
And that's not the good part.
Oh, no.
The good part is trying to
figure out what the hell
a hallway is doing
in my refrigerator
in the first place.
-Maybe it's a doorway to limbo.
-[PANTING]
We're gonna have to find
out what's in there.
-Hey, wait a minute.
I'm not going in there.
Uh uh.
No way.
And you can't make me either.
Oh, yeah.
Well, next time you
won't make me, I bet.
-Keep it quiet, Morris.
We don't know what's in here.
-Wh-- what's that's
supposed to mean?
-Uh, nothing, Morris.
Don't worry about it.
-Jeez.
I wonder where all
these doors go.
-I don't know.
Let's keep going, huh?
-Well, it's just a cave.
We can go back now, OK?
-I don't know.
I hear voices.
-Does it sound like a good
somebody or a bad somebody?
-Quiet.
I'm trying to listen.
It's coming from in there.
-Well, now that we know
somebody's in there,
we can go back to the kitchen
and call the army, OK?
-You can go back if you want to.
I'm gonna see what's in there.
-(FEARFULLY) I'm not
going back by myself.
-Then stop being a big fat
blubbery baby and follow me.
-Well, OK.
But if there's some gnarly,
hideous monster thing in there
waiting to kill us, I'm going
to be really upset, Stewart.
-If there is, then you can
just whine it to death.
OK?
Come on.
Aw, man.
I don't believe this.
-I'd like to go home now.
-Shh.
They'll hear us.
-It's time, my little beauties.
[MINIONS GROANING]
Time that was lost to us when
that bastard Goodman Benny
banished us to this
misbegotten place.
[MINIONS GROANING AND LAUGHING]
But all of that, my darlings,
my babies, all of that
has changed.
-[GROANING]
-That's right.
Goodman's ledger
has been unearthed,
and the incantation has been
read by one of his descendents.
[MINIONS GROANING AND LAUGHING]
Now we must, we must go forth
while the time is yet new
and secure the final
implements of our device,
my precious Pazuzu
Configuration.
[MINIONS GROANING]
Once I have
completed my machine,
you all shall be free
to rape this miserable
shell of a world!
[MINIONS CHEERING]
-Aw, jeez.
That's that Morgana chick.
She's the queen of the witches.
-So how much do you
think a new refrigerator
would set me back anyway?
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
-Now for now I shall send out
my most powerful hellions,
the only two who are capable of
going up to Earth in the light,
and my sharp-tongued
devil, Sluggo.
They shall go forth and find the
three implements of my device.
And then, my children,
it will be your time!
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
-[BURPS LOUDLY]
I'm sorry.
I get an upset stomach
when weird stuff happens.
-Kill the infidels!
Kill them!
-Uh--
-Oh shit!
-[SCREAMING]
-Morris!
What the hell were those things?
-They're demons!
They're demons! [INAUDIBLE].
-Morris!
-What?
-Shut the hell up.
[MINION HOWLS]
-[WHIMPERS]
[SIGHING]
-Oh, my crystal ball, let me
see what my eyes cannot see.
I saw that!
-Duh.
Anybody got a Kleenex?
--[SIGHS] Do you see, Skully,
my precious little imp?
Those two horrible
boys, the two that
dared to walk the
Earth of my domain.
Those two little toads,
they were the ones
who tried to open
the gateway of Earth.
And they are the descendent
of-- Goodman Benny?
Ugh!
I knew it!
I knew it the first time
I smelled his stench.
[SCREAMS]
-Hey, boss, why'd you do
that? [WHIMPERS] Boss--
-Yeah, what he said.
-Because I felt like it!
Does anyone have a
problem with that?
Very well, then.
Well, let's get down to
business then, shall we?
I want the two of you
to go to the Earth
and find the three remaining
parts of my precious machine.
And then I want you to find
the descendent of Goodman Benny
Find him and destroy him.
The sooner he's
gone, the sooner I
can concentrate on being
a really nasty bitch.
[LAUGHING]
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
-You know, I never
saw a demon before.
You suppose we could call
up "The National Inquirer"
and tell them I saw
a real life demon?
-No.
-Well, how about "20/20"?
Barbara Walters
could come and do
an expose on your refrigerator.
They could use hidden
cameras and everything.
-No.
-Well, what are we gonna do?
-Look, I have a
headache, a really bad
headache, an
adult-sized bangaroo.
What I'm gonna do is I'm
gonna go up in my room
and lay down for a little
while until I can think
straight again,
which may be never.
-[SCOFFS] Lay down a while?
Lay down a while?
How can you go and do
something like that?
Suppose one of those
demon guys come
back while you're asleep, huh?
-Look, don't worry
about it, all right?
We chained the
refrigerator shut.
Nothing can get out of that.
Call me if anything happens
while I'm upstairs, OK?
-Oh, yeah.
This is gonna suck.
-[SIGHS]
That's better.
That's a lot better.
Come on, mom.
I told you it's not
a school day already.
You want some of this?
Come on over, baby,
and I'll give you
some of this right
in the goddamn head.
-Calm down.
I didn't come all this
way just to hurt you.
-Yeah?
Well, you just better
stay right where you are
or I'll combine you so hard
you won't know what hit you.
-Just give me the strange
weapon and we'll talk, OK?
Just talk.
I'm not going to
hurt you, I promise.
-Lady, what do I look
like, an asshole?
-Just give me the strange
weapon, or you'll be sorry.
-Sorry?
I'm already sorry.
So come on and hit
me with your worst.
-Everybody wants to do
things the hard way.
[GUITAR RIFFING]
-[GRUNTS]
-I warned you, didn't I?
-How'd you do that?
How the hell did you do that?
-Magic, silly.
Haven't you ever
seen magic before?
-Oh, god.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
-You sure don't
act like a Goodman.
-How'd you know that?
-You're Steward
Goodman, the descendent
of the great witch
hunter Goodman Benny.
Any witch worth their
broomstick knows that.
-They do?
[PANTING]
Oh, yeah.
I don't feel so good.
Wait a minute.
I might regret this, but
who the hell are you?
-I'm Bethany of Oberon.
Morgana's my stepmother.
-What?
You mean that evil chick
with the Darth Vader duds
and that weird-looking
thing on her shoulder,
that's your stepmom?
-Calm down.
I'm not in league with her.
I hate her.
I was part of her
coven 300 years ago
when your ancestor
banished us to limbo.
I didn't want to be.
All I want is to
be like everyone
else, a normal mortal person.
When you opened
the gates of limbo,
I thought everything
was going to be fine.
I thought I could
escape her, but I can't.
-What do you mean you can't?
-It's her machine, the
Pazuzu Configuration.
If she activates it,
the whole entire world
become like a nightmare.
No one, no one will
ever be safe again.
She has to be
stopped, and you're
the only one with the
power to stop her.
I need your help.
-Woah.
Wait a minute.
First of, all it's possible that
I've hit my head really hard
and I'm having one of those
"Wizard of Oz"-type dreams,
you know where mom, dad, and
Bert the handyman show up
as the Tin Man
and the Scarecrow.
-You're not dreaming.
-Yeah, right.
I've seen ghosts,
weird-looking dudes with things
sticking outta their heads,
and a bunch of witches,
not to mention some
creepy freaking
thing where my
fridge used to be.
That sort of thing just
happens all the time.
-If you don't help me
stop my stepmother,
everyone in this
world will suffer
her anger, including you.
-Look, all I want is
my house back the way
it was before my parents
left this evening.
Can't you guys come
back some other time,
like on a Wednesday
night when my dad
gets home from
work or something?
Oh, no.
Don't look at me
like that, please.
All right.
All right.
I'll help you.
Just, just stop looking
at me like that.
-[GROANING] Huh?
Ohh.
Evil people.
What?
Uh-- Doggie, doggie,
doggie, doggie, doggie!
Hello, doggie.
[LOUD CHOMPING]
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): It started
out as an innocent pajama party
but soon became a
national tragedy.
William Shatner, Morgan
Fairchild, and Erik Estrada
star in "Let's Scare
Crazy Fat Ethel
to Death," opening soon
at a theater near you.
"Let's Scare Crazy
Fat Ethel to Death."
It's terror that should
only be imagined.
-I'm glad that Shatner
boy is getting some work
after those dreadful
margarine commercials he did.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Jeez, I wonder
who that could be.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OK, OK.
I heard you the first time.
-Were you gonna
let me in, or do I
have to strike base camp on
your front porch, civilian?
-Uh, Mr. Flopchek--
-Uh, while I was up in
my UFO watching post,
I happened to notice that, uh,
it's time for my favorite TV
show, "Nude Mud Wrestling USA."
And I can't watch it on
my TV because the aliens,
the crafty bastards,
are controlling
my brainwaves through my TV.
So I thought I'd come
over and watch yours.
Yep.
I really outsmarted those
little green bastards this time.
-Um, maybe we should
ask Stewart first.
--[SIGHS] Say,
Grandma, could, uh,
could you pass me that remote?
My hands are kinda full.
Oh, by the way, your dog's dead.
-Nonsense.
Chewy always looks
like when he's asleep.
[FLIPPING THROUGH TV CHANNELS]
-Now that's quality
entertainment.
-Jeez, Mr. Flopchek.
I don't know about this.
-Oh, I'm so glad all those young
ladies are getting work on TV.
-Yeah.
Look at the bazooms
on that baby.
God, I haven't seen
so much breast action
since I was a grade
school teacher.
-Oh, poor Chewy always gets
fleas this time of year.
[SIGHS] I guess I'll
have to give her a bath.
We're gonna get rid of
those nasty old things.
Come on, Chewy.
We'll go up and get a bath.
Come on.
Come on, Chewy.
Good dog.
-Oh, what is this I see?
One of the implements
of my precious machine
waiting for me to pick it up.
Go!
Now!
Retrieve it!
-Well, boss, we can't do
that at the present time.
MORGANA: What?
What was that you told me?
I gave you a command, cretins.
-They got us locked
up real good-like.
-They-- yeah, what he said.
-Oh, well why didn't
you say that, then?
That's perfectly understandable.
Not to worry.
I'll just conjure up one
of my more unpleasant
little atrocities from
the ninth circle of hell.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
-Now why don't they make
more TV shows like that, huh?
Screw that "National
Geographic" crap.
God, look at that.
Son of a bitch.
I got wiener goo all
over my best fatigues.
Holy leap-frogging shit.
[LOUD GROWL]
-[WHIMPERS]
-Shit!
[LOUD GROWL]
God, it's a miracle.
God, it's a freaking miracle.
God, maybe it's not a miracle.
Stand aside, greenhorn.
I'll handle little
miss bad attitude.
I was trained for this.
-[HISSING]
-[GROANS]
-Hello, handsome.
-Oh my god.
You think her face is bad,
you outta smell her breath.
[GROANS]
-[SCREAMING]
Rape!
Somebody help me!
Rape!
You know, I get
nosebleeds at this height.
-Did I just hear
somebody yelling?
-Great.
I knew I shouldn't have left
Morris down there alone.
Come on.
Let's make like a
baby and head out.
-[SCREAMING]
[WHIMPERS] We seem to have
a slight problem here.
Hey, who's the chick?
-What the hell is that?
-One of my stepmother's
evil conjurations.
-Swell.
-Go get it, Stewart.
-Uh, yeah, sure.
Um, uh, put my friend down!
-[GRUNTS]
-[GRUNTING] Oh, shit.
I really screwed up this time.
[GRUNTS]
I'm doing pretty good here, huh?
[GRUNTS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Hi.
I'm Dixie from Buck's
Topless Disco Pizza,
where the only topping you
get is, um, on the pizza.
I have a delivery here
for a Mr. Abe Chekenstein.
Are you Abe?
-Yeah, sure, whatever.
-Great.
Well, hold on while
I do my thing here.
You touch them, you die.
What a dick.
[GASPS]
-Holy shit.
Is it dead?
-It better be.
I use hydroshock ammo.
You get hit with one of
those things in the head
and you're basically screwed.
-Auntie Em, is that you?
Am I in heaven?
-Hey, hey, girl, I
like somebody that
really knows their
taste in guns.
Is that a 357 you got
strapped on your hip?
-Oh, put some ice on it, pops.
I got great-grandparents
[INAUDIBLE] than you.
So what was that thing anyway?
-My wicked stepmother
conjured to up from limbo.
It's a demon.
-Woah.
[CHUCKLES] Your
wicked stepmother
conjured it up from limbo.
Yeah.
Well, uh, I got deliveries
to make, and I'm outta here.
-(WEAKLY) Doggie.
-Hey, has anybody
seen my hot dog?
I think I left it
right over there.
-Hot dog?
-Yeah, you know, a hot
dog-- meat byproducts,
a little rat guano,
sawdust, a hot dog.
-They don't really put
sawdust in hot dogs, do they?
-Meat byproducts.
Meat byproducts.
-(TOGETHER) Meat
that's not meat!
-One of the three
remaining pieces
of my stepmother's machine.
She must have gotten it somehow.
-I have achieved victory.
Oh, and Skully, you've
done so well too.
You've brought me the
meat that's not meat.
Aw.
[GASPS]
What's this I see?
Bethany has found
a new way to Earth?
And she's in league with one
of Goodman's descendents.
Ugh!
That's it.
No more Mrs. Nice Witch.
Now I'm gonna get really nasty.
[YELLS]
-You know this is really
starting to get out of hand.
-Oh, no.
I can feel something.
Something bad.
Stewart, it's my
stepmother's hex.
It's coming right at you.
-Huh?
What the hell was
that all about?
It's not what you're thinking.
-You sure about that?
-Yeah, I'm sure.
-You OK?
You look a little
green there, civilian.
-(DROWSILY) Feeling woozy.
Uh oh.
-What?
What's the matter, kid?
-Somebody help me!
--[SCREAMS] Oh my
god, it's a frog!
Well, I'm sorry,
but frogs are gross.
-No.
[RIBBETS] I can't be a frog.
What will-- [RIBBETS]
--my parents say?
-This is one of my
stepmother's worse spells.
-Well, can't we fix him
back the way he was?
This is bad.
This is really bad.
I could get blamed for this.
-I don't have the kind of
magic to change him back.
The only thing that
can reverse him
back is the kiss
of a fair maiden.
-Oh, yeah.
I'm definitely gonna
get blamed for this.
-[SINGING "HELTER SKELTER"]
Oh, come here, Chewy.
Chewy, you just gotta
eat something, boy.
You're just wasting away.
Come on, now.
You're just wasting
away to skin and bones.
Come on, now.
You eat.
You eat.
Oh, that's a good boy.
That's so good.
That's so good.
Oh, what in Betsy's name?
Uh, chains?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, somebody must be
on a diet again, Chewy.
Well, we can fix that.
Here we go.
You know, some of us still
have to get to our prune juice.
There.
Oh, oh, oh.
Landsie!
Oh!
-Evening, Grandma.
GRANDMA: [SCREAMS]
-(TOGETHER) Grandma!
-Hey, guys, what
about me? [RIBBETS]
-Grandma.
Where's Grandma?
-My stepmother's
acolytes were here.
I can smell her magic.
-What does that mean exactly?
-They took your grandma.
-Grandma?
What would they
take Grandma for?
She's just a helpless, senile
old lady with dentures,
a dead dog, and,
uh, a pacemaker.
Oh my god!
The clock that counts
the beat of the heart?
They're gonna rip
her pacemaker out.
I gotta go in
there and save her.
[SHUDDERS] [YELLS]
-[SHOUTS] [GROANING]
-[GRUNTING]
-[SCREAMING]
-[GROANING]
-Jeez, what a way to go.
-[RIBBITING]
Hey, I wonder if I--
[RIBBETS] --should help?
[RIBBETING]
[FLY BUZZING]
-Hey, oh boy.
A, a fly.
I'm hungry.
Hey, come back here, goddamn it.
I just want to talk to you.
[RIBBETING]
-Ha ha.
It's a [INAUDIBLE] man.
MORRIS: [YELLS]
-Whoo, I'm dying in here.
MORRIS: Help!
Help!
-That was Morris.
Jesus Christ, what now?
Great.
-Here, Stewart.
-OK, dickhead.
Let's get down to business.
-Duh, hocus pocus.
-Well?
Do something!
-Uh--
-That's it?
-Well, at least you're even now.
-[YELLING]
-[GROANS] [RIBBETS] My head.
Oh, I need some aspirin.
[RIBBETING]
-Hey, you.
-Huh?
-Frog boy, you're
coming with me.
We got plans for you.
-Hey, charcoal-head--
-Oh my god!
[INAUDIBLE]
-Oh, great, there goes my perm.
-[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
-Try again!
-Sorry, Stewart.
I must have broken
a nail or something.
-[GRUNTING]
-So what you gonna do
with the banana, Stewart?
-[GROANS]
-[GRUNTING]
-Where the hell did he go?
-Hell is exactly where he went.
-Jesus is coming,
and he is pissed.
Hey, where'd all
the bad guys go?
-So then that, that demon
guy, he threw a knife,
and he got me right in my 'do.
Can you believe that?
And then he ran off with that
froggie guy, and that's it.
That's all that happened.
-Great.
-Now that my stepmother has
meat which is not the meat
and the clock that counts
the beat of the heart,
she only needs one more
thing to complete the Pazuzu
Configuration, which is
three drops the virgin blood.
-Ha!
Well, she won't be getting
it from me now, will she?
-Well, where will she find it?
-(TOGETHER) Morris!
--[LAUGHS] Hey, boss, I brought
you some dinner, frog legs.
-Oh, how nice.
I love frog legs. [CHUCKLES]
-This is the one, the virgin?
-Hey-- [RIBBETS]
--I'm not a virgin.
[RIBBETS] I had sex once.
[RIBBETS]
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
-Oh, sure you did.
Now, my little
green friend, soon
you will help me rule the world.
-Great.
-It's so it's nice to
be living in a time
when women have
such high ambitions.
I remember when I
was a little girl
we couldn't even
smoke in public.
Can you imagine that?
We couldn't smoke.
We couldn't drink.
We couldn't vote.
There was this one
time that we were going
to go out for the
evening and see
Gene Krupa and his orchestra,
I think, or may-- maybe
it was Benny Goodman or someone
-Oh, god.
You, prepare our
amphibious friend,
and find some way
to shut grannie up.
When you get
through with that, I
want you to make sure
that Goodman's descendent
and his friend do not
spoil my precious plan.
Destroy them!
-Gotcha, boss.
Come on.
-[WHIMPERS]
-Now we'll just hook
you up against the wall.
-If we are to act
in time to rescue
your grandma and your
other strange friend,
we must move quickly.
My stepmother has
begun her ceremony
to activate her machine.
-Forget it.
-What?
-I can't do this, this
save the world stuff.
It's like every time I try
something, I screw it up.
I'm not Goodman Benny, you know.
He wouldn't have
let your stepmother
kidnapped Grandma and Morris.
Maybe I'm not the
right guy for this job.
-Of course you are, Stewart.
You have all the
courage you need.
You just don't see it yet.
That's all.
-I just want my
life back the way
it was before all this, normal.
-So do I.
-[COUGHING] Ahem, you guys.
-Are we gonna save
the world or what?
Because I feel like
killing something.
Hey, this looks like
some kind of entrance.
Yeah, but it's not the
one we're looking for.
-Of course it's not the
one we're looking for.
This may be another way in.
This would give us the
element of surprise.
-What if it isn't?
-Then we all die.
DIXIE: Oh, just what
we need to hear, folks.
BETHANY: I have a very
bad feeling about this.
-Hey, let's stop beating
our gums and haul ass.
DIXIE: Oh, yeah.
This was a really
great idea, pops.
MR. FLOPCHEK: Well, it still
could be another entrance.
DIXIE: What was that?
MR. FLOPCHEK: Point
your light over there.
-So glad you could make it.
Let's show them some
hospitality, shall we?
[ALL SCREAMING]
-Stewart?
Where are you, Stewart?
[SCREAMS]
-Your mom's been real worried
about you, Bethany. [LAUGHS]
-Oh, shit.
-You dropped something.
Hocus pocus.
-[GRUNTING]
-What in the Sam Hill?
This thing's stuck.
You're gonna have
to cover me, missy.
[MINIONS SCREAMING]
Somebody's gonna be hurting.
-Well, I guess we should go look
for Stewart and Bethany now.
-[GRUNTS]
--[LAUGHING]
[INAUDIBLE], Stewart.
-[SIGHS]
-Pocus hocus.
[CHOKING]
[INAUDIBLE]
Feeling woozy.
Gonna pass out.
[SIGHS]
-Oh, shit!
-Hi, Stewart.
-Stewart, run, while you can.
It's a trap.
-She's right.
It is a trap.
And you fell for it.
-[GASPS]
-I expected more from a Goodman.
I guess I was wrong.
-Oh, yeah?
Why don't you go ram a
broomstick up your ass, baby?
-Been there.
Done that.
And here's my
stepdaughter, dear Bethany.
Perhaps you'll forget
your foolish notion
that you can live in a
mortal world as a human being
and be accepted.
After all, once a
witch, always a witch.
-[SPITS]
-Kids today.
Very well, then.
I will just have to slit your
neck with all the rest of them.
And you, my little
green beauty--
--[RIBBITS] Hey--
[RIBBETS] --quit it.
Quit it.
[SCREAMS]
Gee, I feel so--
[RIBBETS] --violated.
-[MOANS]
Three drops of virgin blood.
My wonderful precious
machine is almost
completed, except for one thing.
Grandma!
Let's operate.
-Hold it right
there, witch bitch.
-Huh?
Oh, more guests.
How nice.
Kill them!
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]
[AIR SIREN SOUNDING]
--[GROANING] Mayday,
mayday, air support.
-[SCREAMING]
-Oh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
-[SCREAMS]
-[SCREAMS]
-How dare you touch my precious
machine, you miserable old bag.
-[CHUCKLES] Old bag, am I?
I'll teach you to have some
respect for your elders, missy.
-[SCREAMING]
-Come on.
-Wow.
[RIBBETS]
-Don't you just
love happy endings?
-Now that my stepmother's dead
and the Pazuzu Configuration
is destroyed, we must
get out of here quickly.
My whole world's
ready to fall apart.
-Let's go, then.
-I'm not going, Stewart.
My stepmother was right.
I don't belong in your world.
I belong here, where I
won't be an abomination.
-Yeah, I really kicked some
ass that time, didn't I?
-Yeah, sure, Grandma.
Come on, Grandma.
Let's go.
It's all gone.
-Hey, what about me?
I'm still a frog.
[RIBBETS]
-Well, didn't that
Bethany character
say that you had to be
kissed by a fair maiden?
Didn't she?
-OK, fine.
I'll do it.
I'll kiss him.
What?
So I feel sorry for
the poor bastard.
So what?
[SIGHS]
No tongue, or I will kill you.
[SIGHS]
Uck!
Enough already.
-Wow.
I'm not a virgin anymore.
-This is the last time I'm
gonna deliver pizzas here.
Ugh.
-It sure is a nice day out, huh?
-Yeah.
-You're still bummed out
about Bethany, aren't you?
-Let's change the subject, huh?
Mom and Dad don't know anything
about what happened last night.
And Grandma's so senile,
nobody would believe
her even if she
did say anything.
Let's forget it, huh?
Ancient history.
-Well, at least
I'm back to normal.
[RIBBET SOUND]
-Ahoy, civilians.
-Hey, Mr. Flopchek.
-I'm looking for those
goddamn witches, Stewart.
And when they come
back, I'm gonna
be waiting for them this time.
-Thanks, Mr. Flopchek.
Oh, man, I don't believe this.
-What do you think
of my new wheels?
Do you wanna go for a ride?
-Well, yeah.
How'd you get back here?
-A good magician never
gives away her tricks.
-So where we going?
-I don't know.
Ever been to Stonehenge?
-Stonehenge?
-Hey, guys.
You forgot me.
[SIGHS] Maybe I can find
some more flies or something.
-Come on, Chewy.
Come on, Chewy.
Just quit fooling around.
It's, it's breakfast time.
-I wish you wouldn't
talk to that.
That thing's-- that's
not even alive.
What do you do that for?
-Dear--
-Well, I just hate babying
your mother all the time.
Why can't somebody
just stop mincing words
and tell her that thing is dead?
-That's just plain nonsense.
Chewy is so alive.
-[GROANING] [LAUGHS]
the Wemblyville Lyr Theater,
in case you should have to
have us paged while we're gone.
-Yeah.
-And the emergency room and
the fire department, in case
the house should catch fire.
-Yes, ma.
-Can we-- can we leave
some time, please?
All this on and on and on.
If we get the car right now, we
might be able to get down there
just in time to see them
clean up after the show.
-And don't forget.
Give Grandma her
vitamins at 6 o'clock.
Put the medication
on her corns at 7:30.
Oh, and you can't
use the microwave
when Grandma's in the kitchen.
It sets off her pacemaker.
And goodness knows we
wouldn't want that.
And don't tell her
her dog is dead.
She still doesn't know that yet.
-Can't we get somewhere on
time for once, for pete's sake?
-Honey, I know you're
upset about not getting
to go to the rock concert,
but your dad and I have really
been looking forward to
seeing Bonnie Franklin's
off-Broadway one-woman
production of "Evita,"
and we don't get out that much.
There will be other
rock concerts.
I promise.
-I know.
[BIKE HORN HONKING]
-Hi, Stewart.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Goodman.
I decided to come over since
you can't go to the concert.
See?
I brought Parcheesi.
[GROANS]
-[SCOFFS] Morris.
-Wow.
-Greetings, neighbors.
-Hi, Mr. Flopchek.
How you doing?
-Just fine, Mrs. Goodman.
Still looking for those
goddamn UFOs that took my wife.
And when they come
back, I'll be ready.
-Gee, I didn't know Mr.
Flopchek was married.
-He's not.
What a freak.
-Stewart, that's not very nice.
Mr. Flopchek had a very
bad experience in Vietnam.
And for what it's worth, I
think he's coping marvelously.
-Yeah.
When they come
back, I'll be ready.
-He's nuttier than a damn
fruitcake, if you ask me.
-[GASPS]
Now you've got
everything, right?
-I'm fine, mom.
OK?
I'll be all right, really.
-My little Stewie's
all grown up!
-Mom, you're cutting
off my oxygen supply.
-Ohh.
Oh.
[SOBBING]
Mark, doesn't our Stewart
look all grown up?
-Dear, dear, dear,
you're embarrassing us
in front of the
whole neighborhood.
-All right.
Oh, goodness.
-Oh, and son, I know we've had
our differences in the past,
I know with the kind of clothes
you wear and the loud rock
music you listen to and the
fact you haven't worked a day
in your life, but
I have confidence--
-I know.
I know.
You don't have to say it.
-I have confidence
that tonight you'll
take good care of your grandma.
And if you don't, I'm
gonna ship your butt off
to military school.
-[SIGHS]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
-Time to break
out the Parcheesi.
[SPOOKY SOUNDS OF HORROR FILM ON
TV]
Oh, wow.
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): And
we'll return to "1979 Horror
Classics, Sweaty
Maids from Hell,"
starring Gabe Kaplan,
Norman Fell, Anne Rand
right after this
commercial break.
-Well, "Jeopardy"
certainly has changed
since the last time I saw it.
[CHUCKLES] Why didn't Alex
Trebek have any pants on?
[SIGHS] I guess I'm just
not up with the times.
[SIGHS] I don't understand.
-I think I'll go down to the
basement for a little while.
Is that gonna be
OK with everybody?
-I'll go with you.
-I'll be just fine, Stewart.
Me and Chewy are gonna
sit here and watch
the rest of "Jeopardy."
You kids run on
and have your fun.
-Thanks, Grandma.
-Well, what's up, man?
-Nothing.
Don't worry about it.
OK?
-Well, you called me a
jerkoff for no reason.
-I always call you a
jerkoff for no reason.
-Well, yeah.
But this time you sounded
like you meant it.
-Look, here's the bottom line.
This sucks.
This bites the big one.
You know where I
should be right now?
Do you?
I should be in the men's room at
the Wemblyville Coliseum puking
up blood in a paid
toilet while Blacktooth
plays their last set.
Do I get to do
what I want to do?
No.
I got to sit around the
house on a Friday night
with my senile old
grandma and her dead dog,
not to mention you following me
around like my goddamn shadow.
I don't get it.
I mean, would you rather go
see Bonnie Franklin in "Evita"
or see Blacktooth
live in concern?
-Hmm.
I don't know.
She was pretty spunky
in "Once Day at a Time."
I'm gonna have to think
about that one for a while.
-Forget it.
Just forget it, OK?
You don't get it.
I'm trapped here for the rest
of my stupid, useless life.
My dad's probably gonna
put me in military school
or my mom's gonna poison
me with her cooking,
and I won't get to do a damn
thing that I wanna do because I
gotta babysit my grandma
for the rest of my life.
-Well, maybe we could
run away to Canada
and become lumberjacks.
-I'm just sick of my life
being so boring all the time.
That's all.
Why can't I just once
do something I wanna do?
Just once.
Morris, there's a light
coming out of this hole.
-(WORRIEDLY) I
see that, Stewart.
-That's not ordinary, right?
-No.
-What the hell?
It's just a light, right?
A light can't hurt you.
-Jeez.
I don't know if you should
be doing that, Stewart.
Remember the movie
"The Amityville Horror"
where they found that
weird room in the basement
that was painted in human blood?
-Morris.
-What?
-Shut the hell up.
The light went out.
-Yeah, I think that's what
happened in the movie right
before the dad got
possessed and started
hacking up everybody
with a pickax.
-Quiet.
I see something.
-Is it something scary?
Is it dripping blood?
I bet it's dripping blood.
-I'm trying to look at this.
Morris, you know what this is?
This belonged to my great
ancestor Goodman Benny.
I think it's his diary.
-Goodman Benny?
Isn't he that bandleader guy?
-Goodman Benny came to the
States back in the 1600s.
I remember Gramps and
Grandma telling me about him.
He's the one who
built this house.
They also said he
was a witch hunter.
-Witch hunter?
Wow.
-"It is with great trepidation
that I set these words to paper
on this date, July 15, 1693."
Wh--
-That's today, Stewart.
That's 300 years ago today.
-Yeah, I know.
"I am Goodman Benny, a
respected and church-going
citizen of the
township of Wembley.
It is on occasion that I
am empowered by the Church
to go forth and seek out those
witches and minions of Satan
who would corrupt our society."
-So I guess he really
was a witch hunter.
-"Know that I have succeeded
beyond all measure in capturing
the queen of witches,
Morgana of Oberon.
It is she who had laid plans
to construct a terrible machine
known by her ilk as the
Pazuzu Configuration.
This machine would immerse our
land in an eternal darkness
and allow her demonic minions to
run free over the countryside.
Her construct was
thwarted, needing
three essential
elements in order
to work, meat that is not
meat, the clock that counts
the beat of a heart, and
three drafts of virgin blood."
-Jeez.
Sounds like the
end of "Star Wars,"
you know right before the Death
Star blew up before Darth Vader
could use it to destroy
the Rebel Force?
-I'm trying to read this, OK?
-Jeez.
OK.
-"I have captured
this foul hellion,
and using such arcane measures
as are allowed to me through
the scriptures of our Church
have dispatched the creature
and her acole--
aculeets-- acolytes
to limbo over the gateway.
I have constructed this house,
where I now reside, in order
to ensure that dread Morgana
will not walk the Earth again."
-This house?
-Morris, it's not
like there were
really witches or anything.
OK?
I mean, these are
the same people
who thought the Earth was flat
and flew kites in rainstorms.
-Ye-- yeah, but still--
-"Know that I have left
here my ledger as a warning.
300 years hence, there
shall be a weakening
in the spell which
binds Morgana to limbo.
Do not tempt fate by
reading the words which
shall crack open the
gateway entirely."
-What words?
-I think it's right here.
See?
It says, "here are
recorded the words
of the binding incantation.
Chadu--"
-Don't!
Don't read it!
-Jesus Christ, Morris.
You're not really falling
for this crap, are you?
-Yeah, well, the guy
said not to read it.
Maybe it's not such a
hot idea to read it.
That's all.
-You're scared, aren't you?
-Uh uh.
I'm just pointing out something.
-Fine.
Then I'll go ahead and read it.
"Chaduke nostram chao, klatu
baradas niktu blahda blah
farfegnugen koko oni, dokko
oni, watachi wa oniga sukiden."
-I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
I can't hear you!
-"Fing fong badabing
badabingbong."
-Hey, nothing happened.
-See?
I told you it
wasn't anything to--
[LOUD CRASHING NOISE]
---(QUIETLY) worry about.
-Gracious, Chewy.
Excuse yourself.
-What happened just then?
-A coincidence, that's all.
Just a coincidence.
-Coincidence?
-Yeah, you know.
It could've been
a truck going by.
It could've been a
freak earthquake.
It could've been
Grandma keeling over
from a heart attack upstairs.
It could've been anything.
-Yeah, like the gates of limbo
opening up, for instance.
-Morris.
-Yes, Stewart?
-Shut the hell up.
Look.
I'll get you a
Coke or something.
You like Coke, right?
MORRIS: Mm hmm.
-Good.
I'll get you a Coke, and maybe
you'll stop freaking out on me.
Look, Morris, you
gotta stop being
so goddamn gullible
all the time.
I mean, if the doorway
to this limbo place
were gonna open up because I
read something out of a book,
you'd see it, right?
MORRIS: I guess so, Stewart.
-Well, there you go then.
There is a hallway
in my refrigerator.
-Uh, I saw that, Stewart.
-There is a hallway
in my refrigerator!
A goddamn hallway
in my refrigerator!
-(LOUDLY) Well, OK, Stewart.
OK! [GASPING] (FEARFULLY)
Please don't hurt me.
-First of all, when mom and
dad get back from the theater,
they're gonna see this
and shit dead puppies.
And that's not the good part.
Oh, no.
The good part is trying to
figure out what the hell
a hallway is doing
in my refrigerator
in the first place.
-Maybe it's a doorway to limbo.
-[PANTING]
We're gonna have to find
out what's in there.
-Hey, wait a minute.
I'm not going in there.
Uh uh.
No way.
And you can't make me either.
Oh, yeah.
Well, next time you
won't make me, I bet.
-Keep it quiet, Morris.
We don't know what's in here.
-Wh-- what's that's
supposed to mean?
-Uh, nothing, Morris.
Don't worry about it.
-Jeez.
I wonder where all
these doors go.
-I don't know.
Let's keep going, huh?
-Well, it's just a cave.
We can go back now, OK?
-I don't know.
I hear voices.
-Does it sound like a good
somebody or a bad somebody?
-Quiet.
I'm trying to listen.
It's coming from in there.
-Well, now that we know
somebody's in there,
we can go back to the kitchen
and call the army, OK?
-You can go back if you want to.
I'm gonna see what's in there.
-(FEARFULLY) I'm not
going back by myself.
-Then stop being a big fat
blubbery baby and follow me.
-Well, OK.
But if there's some gnarly,
hideous monster thing in there
waiting to kill us, I'm going
to be really upset, Stewart.
-If there is, then you can
just whine it to death.
OK?
Come on.
Aw, man.
I don't believe this.
-I'd like to go home now.
-Shh.
They'll hear us.
-It's time, my little beauties.
[MINIONS GROANING]
Time that was lost to us when
that bastard Goodman Benny
banished us to this
misbegotten place.
[MINIONS GROANING AND LAUGHING]
But all of that, my darlings,
my babies, all of that
has changed.
-[GROANING]
-That's right.
Goodman's ledger
has been unearthed,
and the incantation has been
read by one of his descendents.
[MINIONS GROANING AND LAUGHING]
Now we must, we must go forth
while the time is yet new
and secure the final
implements of our device,
my precious Pazuzu
Configuration.
[MINIONS GROANING]
Once I have
completed my machine,
you all shall be free
to rape this miserable
shell of a world!
[MINIONS CHEERING]
-Aw, jeez.
That's that Morgana chick.
She's the queen of the witches.
-So how much do you
think a new refrigerator
would set me back anyway?
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
-Now for now I shall send out
my most powerful hellions,
the only two who are capable of
going up to Earth in the light,
and my sharp-tongued
devil, Sluggo.
They shall go forth and find the
three implements of my device.
And then, my children,
it will be your time!
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
[LAUGHS]
-[BURPS LOUDLY]
I'm sorry.
I get an upset stomach
when weird stuff happens.
-Kill the infidels!
Kill them!
-Uh--
-Oh shit!
-[SCREAMING]
-Morris!
What the hell were those things?
-They're demons!
They're demons! [INAUDIBLE].
-Morris!
-What?
-Shut the hell up.
[MINION HOWLS]
-[WHIMPERS]
[SIGHING]
-Oh, my crystal ball, let me
see what my eyes cannot see.
I saw that!
-Duh.
Anybody got a Kleenex?
--[SIGHS] Do you see, Skully,
my precious little imp?
Those two horrible
boys, the two that
dared to walk the
Earth of my domain.
Those two little toads,
they were the ones
who tried to open
the gateway of Earth.
And they are the descendent
of-- Goodman Benny?
Ugh!
I knew it!
I knew it the first time
I smelled his stench.
[SCREAMS]
-Hey, boss, why'd you do
that? [WHIMPERS] Boss--
-Yeah, what he said.
-Because I felt like it!
Does anyone have a
problem with that?
Very well, then.
Well, let's get down to
business then, shall we?
I want the two of you
to go to the Earth
and find the three remaining
parts of my precious machine.
And then I want you to find
the descendent of Goodman Benny
Find him and destroy him.
The sooner he's
gone, the sooner I
can concentrate on being
a really nasty bitch.
[LAUGHING]
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
-You know, I never
saw a demon before.
You suppose we could call
up "The National Inquirer"
and tell them I saw
a real life demon?
-No.
-Well, how about "20/20"?
Barbara Walters
could come and do
an expose on your refrigerator.
They could use hidden
cameras and everything.
-No.
-Well, what are we gonna do?
-Look, I have a
headache, a really bad
headache, an
adult-sized bangaroo.
What I'm gonna do is I'm
gonna go up in my room
and lay down for a little
while until I can think
straight again,
which may be never.
-[SCOFFS] Lay down a while?
Lay down a while?
How can you go and do
something like that?
Suppose one of those
demon guys come
back while you're asleep, huh?
-Look, don't worry
about it, all right?
We chained the
refrigerator shut.
Nothing can get out of that.
Call me if anything happens
while I'm upstairs, OK?
-Oh, yeah.
This is gonna suck.
-[SIGHS]
That's better.
That's a lot better.
Come on, mom.
I told you it's not
a school day already.
You want some of this?
Come on over, baby,
and I'll give you
some of this right
in the goddamn head.
-Calm down.
I didn't come all this
way just to hurt you.
-Yeah?
Well, you just better
stay right where you are
or I'll combine you so hard
you won't know what hit you.
-Just give me the strange
weapon and we'll talk, OK?
Just talk.
I'm not going to
hurt you, I promise.
-Lady, what do I look
like, an asshole?
-Just give me the strange
weapon, or you'll be sorry.
-Sorry?
I'm already sorry.
So come on and hit
me with your worst.
-Everybody wants to do
things the hard way.
[GUITAR RIFFING]
-[GRUNTS]
-I warned you, didn't I?
-How'd you do that?
How the hell did you do that?
-Magic, silly.
Haven't you ever
seen magic before?
-Oh, god.
I think I'm gonna be sick.
-You sure don't
act like a Goodman.
-How'd you know that?
-You're Steward
Goodman, the descendent
of the great witch
hunter Goodman Benny.
Any witch worth their
broomstick knows that.
-They do?
[PANTING]
Oh, yeah.
I don't feel so good.
Wait a minute.
I might regret this, but
who the hell are you?
-I'm Bethany of Oberon.
Morgana's my stepmother.
-What?
You mean that evil chick
with the Darth Vader duds
and that weird-looking
thing on her shoulder,
that's your stepmom?
-Calm down.
I'm not in league with her.
I hate her.
I was part of her
coven 300 years ago
when your ancestor
banished us to limbo.
I didn't want to be.
All I want is to
be like everyone
else, a normal mortal person.
When you opened
the gates of limbo,
I thought everything
was going to be fine.
I thought I could
escape her, but I can't.
-What do you mean you can't?
-It's her machine, the
Pazuzu Configuration.
If she activates it,
the whole entire world
become like a nightmare.
No one, no one will
ever be safe again.
She has to be
stopped, and you're
the only one with the
power to stop her.
I need your help.
-Woah.
Wait a minute.
First of, all it's possible that
I've hit my head really hard
and I'm having one of those
"Wizard of Oz"-type dreams,
you know where mom, dad, and
Bert the handyman show up
as the Tin Man
and the Scarecrow.
-You're not dreaming.
-Yeah, right.
I've seen ghosts,
weird-looking dudes with things
sticking outta their heads,
and a bunch of witches,
not to mention some
creepy freaking
thing where my
fridge used to be.
That sort of thing just
happens all the time.
-If you don't help me
stop my stepmother,
everyone in this
world will suffer
her anger, including you.
-Look, all I want is
my house back the way
it was before my parents
left this evening.
Can't you guys come
back some other time,
like on a Wednesday
night when my dad
gets home from
work or something?
Oh, no.
Don't look at me
like that, please.
All right.
All right.
I'll help you.
Just, just stop looking
at me like that.
-[GROANING] Huh?
Ohh.
Evil people.
What?
Uh-- Doggie, doggie,
doggie, doggie, doggie!
Hello, doggie.
[LOUD CHOMPING]
ANNOUNCER (ON TV): It started
out as an innocent pajama party
but soon became a
national tragedy.
William Shatner, Morgan
Fairchild, and Erik Estrada
star in "Let's Scare
Crazy Fat Ethel
to Death," opening soon
at a theater near you.
"Let's Scare Crazy
Fat Ethel to Death."
It's terror that should
only be imagined.
-I'm glad that Shatner
boy is getting some work
after those dreadful
margarine commercials he did.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Jeez, I wonder
who that could be.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OK, OK.
I heard you the first time.
-Were you gonna
let me in, or do I
have to strike base camp on
your front porch, civilian?
-Uh, Mr. Flopchek--
-Uh, while I was up in
my UFO watching post,
I happened to notice that, uh,
it's time for my favorite TV
show, "Nude Mud Wrestling USA."
And I can't watch it on
my TV because the aliens,
the crafty bastards,
are controlling
my brainwaves through my TV.
So I thought I'd come
over and watch yours.
Yep.
I really outsmarted those
little green bastards this time.
-Um, maybe we should
ask Stewart first.
--[SIGHS] Say,
Grandma, could, uh,
could you pass me that remote?
My hands are kinda full.
Oh, by the way, your dog's dead.
-Nonsense.
Chewy always looks
like when he's asleep.
[FLIPPING THROUGH TV CHANNELS]
-Now that's quality
entertainment.
-Jeez, Mr. Flopchek.
I don't know about this.
-Oh, I'm so glad all those young
ladies are getting work on TV.
-Yeah.
Look at the bazooms
on that baby.
God, I haven't seen
so much breast action
since I was a grade
school teacher.
-Oh, poor Chewy always gets
fleas this time of year.
[SIGHS] I guess I'll
have to give her a bath.
We're gonna get rid of
those nasty old things.
Come on, Chewy.
We'll go up and get a bath.
Come on.
Come on, Chewy.
Good dog.
-Oh, what is this I see?
One of the implements
of my precious machine
waiting for me to pick it up.
Go!
Now!
Retrieve it!
-Well, boss, we can't do
that at the present time.
MORGANA: What?
What was that you told me?
I gave you a command, cretins.
-They got us locked
up real good-like.
-They-- yeah, what he said.
-Oh, well why didn't
you say that, then?
That's perfectly understandable.
Not to worry.
I'll just conjure up one
of my more unpleasant
little atrocities from
the ninth circle of hell.
[THUNDER CRASHING]
-Now why don't they make
more TV shows like that, huh?
Screw that "National
Geographic" crap.
God, look at that.
Son of a bitch.
I got wiener goo all
over my best fatigues.
Holy leap-frogging shit.
[LOUD GROWL]
-[WHIMPERS]
-Shit!
[LOUD GROWL]
God, it's a miracle.
God, it's a freaking miracle.
God, maybe it's not a miracle.
Stand aside, greenhorn.
I'll handle little
miss bad attitude.
I was trained for this.
-[HISSING]
-[GROANS]
-Hello, handsome.
-Oh my god.
You think her face is bad,
you outta smell her breath.
[GROANS]
-[SCREAMING]
Rape!
Somebody help me!
Rape!
You know, I get
nosebleeds at this height.
-Did I just hear
somebody yelling?
-Great.
I knew I shouldn't have left
Morris down there alone.
Come on.
Let's make like a
baby and head out.
-[SCREAMING]
[WHIMPERS] We seem to have
a slight problem here.
Hey, who's the chick?
-What the hell is that?
-One of my stepmother's
evil conjurations.
-Swell.
-Go get it, Stewart.
-Uh, yeah, sure.
Um, uh, put my friend down!
-[GRUNTS]
-[GRUNTING] Oh, shit.
I really screwed up this time.
[GRUNTS]
I'm doing pretty good here, huh?
[GRUNTS]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
-Hi.
I'm Dixie from Buck's
Topless Disco Pizza,
where the only topping you
get is, um, on the pizza.
I have a delivery here
for a Mr. Abe Chekenstein.
Are you Abe?
-Yeah, sure, whatever.
-Great.
Well, hold on while
I do my thing here.
You touch them, you die.
What a dick.
[GASPS]
-Holy shit.
Is it dead?
-It better be.
I use hydroshock ammo.
You get hit with one of
those things in the head
and you're basically screwed.
-Auntie Em, is that you?
Am I in heaven?
-Hey, hey, girl, I
like somebody that
really knows their
taste in guns.
Is that a 357 you got
strapped on your hip?
-Oh, put some ice on it, pops.
I got great-grandparents
[INAUDIBLE] than you.
So what was that thing anyway?
-My wicked stepmother
conjured to up from limbo.
It's a demon.
-Woah.
[CHUCKLES] Your
wicked stepmother
conjured it up from limbo.
Yeah.
Well, uh, I got deliveries
to make, and I'm outta here.
-(WEAKLY) Doggie.
-Hey, has anybody
seen my hot dog?
I think I left it
right over there.
-Hot dog?
-Yeah, you know, a hot
dog-- meat byproducts,
a little rat guano,
sawdust, a hot dog.
-They don't really put
sawdust in hot dogs, do they?
-Meat byproducts.
Meat byproducts.
-(TOGETHER) Meat
that's not meat!
-One of the three
remaining pieces
of my stepmother's machine.
She must have gotten it somehow.
-I have achieved victory.
Oh, and Skully, you've
done so well too.
You've brought me the
meat that's not meat.
Aw.
[GASPS]
What's this I see?
Bethany has found
a new way to Earth?
And she's in league with one
of Goodman's descendents.
Ugh!
That's it.
No more Mrs. Nice Witch.
Now I'm gonna get really nasty.
[YELLS]
-You know this is really
starting to get out of hand.
-Oh, no.
I can feel something.
Something bad.
Stewart, it's my
stepmother's hex.
It's coming right at you.
-Huh?
What the hell was
that all about?
It's not what you're thinking.
-You sure about that?
-Yeah, I'm sure.
-You OK?
You look a little
green there, civilian.
-(DROWSILY) Feeling woozy.
Uh oh.
-What?
What's the matter, kid?
-Somebody help me!
--[SCREAMS] Oh my
god, it's a frog!
Well, I'm sorry,
but frogs are gross.
-No.
[RIBBETS] I can't be a frog.
What will-- [RIBBETS]
--my parents say?
-This is one of my
stepmother's worse spells.
-Well, can't we fix him
back the way he was?
This is bad.
This is really bad.
I could get blamed for this.
-I don't have the kind of
magic to change him back.
The only thing that
can reverse him
back is the kiss
of a fair maiden.
-Oh, yeah.
I'm definitely gonna
get blamed for this.
-[SINGING "HELTER SKELTER"]
Oh, come here, Chewy.
Chewy, you just gotta
eat something, boy.
You're just wasting away.
Come on, now.
You're just wasting
away to skin and bones.
Come on, now.
You eat.
You eat.
Oh, that's a good boy.
That's so good.
That's so good.
Oh, what in Betsy's name?
Uh, chains?
[CHUCKLES]
Oh, somebody must be
on a diet again, Chewy.
Well, we can fix that.
Here we go.
You know, some of us still
have to get to our prune juice.
There.
Oh, oh, oh.
Landsie!
Oh!
-Evening, Grandma.
GRANDMA: [SCREAMS]
-(TOGETHER) Grandma!
-Hey, guys, what
about me? [RIBBETS]
-Grandma.
Where's Grandma?
-My stepmother's
acolytes were here.
I can smell her magic.
-What does that mean exactly?
-They took your grandma.
-Grandma?
What would they
take Grandma for?
She's just a helpless, senile
old lady with dentures,
a dead dog, and,
uh, a pacemaker.
Oh my god!
The clock that counts
the beat of the heart?
They're gonna rip
her pacemaker out.
I gotta go in
there and save her.
[SHUDDERS] [YELLS]
-[SHOUTS] [GROANING]
-[GRUNTING]
-[SCREAMING]
-[GROANING]
-Jeez, what a way to go.
-[RIBBITING]
Hey, I wonder if I--
[RIBBETS] --should help?
[RIBBETING]
[FLY BUZZING]
-Hey, oh boy.
A, a fly.
I'm hungry.
Hey, come back here, goddamn it.
I just want to talk to you.
[RIBBETING]
-Ha ha.
It's a [INAUDIBLE] man.
MORRIS: [YELLS]
-Whoo, I'm dying in here.
MORRIS: Help!
Help!
-That was Morris.
Jesus Christ, what now?
Great.
-Here, Stewart.
-OK, dickhead.
Let's get down to business.
-Duh, hocus pocus.
-Well?
Do something!
-Uh--
-That's it?
-Well, at least you're even now.
-[YELLING]
-[GROANS] [RIBBETS] My head.
Oh, I need some aspirin.
[RIBBETING]
-Hey, you.
-Huh?
-Frog boy, you're
coming with me.
We got plans for you.
-Hey, charcoal-head--
-Oh my god!
[INAUDIBLE]
-Oh, great, there goes my perm.
-[GRUNTS]
[BOTH GRUNTING]
-Try again!
-Sorry, Stewart.
I must have broken
a nail or something.
-[GRUNTING]
-So what you gonna do
with the banana, Stewart?
-[GROANS]
-[GRUNTING]
-Where the hell did he go?
-Hell is exactly where he went.
-Jesus is coming,
and he is pissed.
Hey, where'd all
the bad guys go?
-So then that, that demon
guy, he threw a knife,
and he got me right in my 'do.
Can you believe that?
And then he ran off with that
froggie guy, and that's it.
That's all that happened.
-Great.
-Now that my stepmother has
meat which is not the meat
and the clock that counts
the beat of the heart,
she only needs one more
thing to complete the Pazuzu
Configuration, which is
three drops the virgin blood.
-Ha!
Well, she won't be getting
it from me now, will she?
-Well, where will she find it?
-(TOGETHER) Morris!
--[LAUGHS] Hey, boss, I brought
you some dinner, frog legs.
-Oh, how nice.
I love frog legs. [CHUCKLES]
-This is the one, the virgin?
-Hey-- [RIBBETS]
--I'm not a virgin.
[RIBBETS] I had sex once.
[RIBBETS]
[MINIONS LAUGHING]
-Oh, sure you did.
Now, my little
green friend, soon
you will help me rule the world.
-Great.
-It's so it's nice to
be living in a time
when women have
such high ambitions.
I remember when I
was a little girl
we couldn't even
smoke in public.
Can you imagine that?
We couldn't smoke.
We couldn't drink.
We couldn't vote.
There was this one
time that we were going
to go out for the
evening and see
Gene Krupa and his orchestra,
I think, or may-- maybe
it was Benny Goodman or someone
-Oh, god.
You, prepare our
amphibious friend,
and find some way
to shut grannie up.
When you get
through with that, I
want you to make sure
that Goodman's descendent
and his friend do not
spoil my precious plan.
Destroy them!
-Gotcha, boss.
Come on.
-[WHIMPERS]
-Now we'll just hook
you up against the wall.
-If we are to act
in time to rescue
your grandma and your
other strange friend,
we must move quickly.
My stepmother has
begun her ceremony
to activate her machine.
-Forget it.
-What?
-I can't do this, this
save the world stuff.
It's like every time I try
something, I screw it up.
I'm not Goodman Benny, you know.
He wouldn't have
let your stepmother
kidnapped Grandma and Morris.
Maybe I'm not the
right guy for this job.
-Of course you are, Stewart.
You have all the
courage you need.
You just don't see it yet.
That's all.
-I just want my
life back the way
it was before all this, normal.
-So do I.
-[COUGHING] Ahem, you guys.
-Are we gonna save
the world or what?
Because I feel like
killing something.
Hey, this looks like
some kind of entrance.
Yeah, but it's not the
one we're looking for.
-Of course it's not the
one we're looking for.
This may be another way in.
This would give us the
element of surprise.
-What if it isn't?
-Then we all die.
DIXIE: Oh, just what
we need to hear, folks.
BETHANY: I have a very
bad feeling about this.
-Hey, let's stop beating
our gums and haul ass.
DIXIE: Oh, yeah.
This was a really
great idea, pops.
MR. FLOPCHEK: Well, it still
could be another entrance.
DIXIE: What was that?
MR. FLOPCHEK: Point
your light over there.
-So glad you could make it.
Let's show them some
hospitality, shall we?
[ALL SCREAMING]
-Stewart?
Where are you, Stewart?
[SCREAMS]
-Your mom's been real worried
about you, Bethany. [LAUGHS]
-Oh, shit.
-You dropped something.
Hocus pocus.
-[GRUNTING]
-What in the Sam Hill?
This thing's stuck.
You're gonna have
to cover me, missy.
[MINIONS SCREAMING]
Somebody's gonna be hurting.
-Well, I guess we should go look
for Stewart and Bethany now.
-[GRUNTS]
--[LAUGHING]
[INAUDIBLE], Stewart.
-[SIGHS]
-Pocus hocus.
[CHOKING]
[INAUDIBLE]
Feeling woozy.
Gonna pass out.
[SIGHS]
-Oh, shit!
-Hi, Stewart.
-Stewart, run, while you can.
It's a trap.
-She's right.
It is a trap.
And you fell for it.
-[GASPS]
-I expected more from a Goodman.
I guess I was wrong.
-Oh, yeah?
Why don't you go ram a
broomstick up your ass, baby?
-Been there.
Done that.
And here's my
stepdaughter, dear Bethany.
Perhaps you'll forget
your foolish notion
that you can live in a
mortal world as a human being
and be accepted.
After all, once a
witch, always a witch.
-[SPITS]
-Kids today.
Very well, then.
I will just have to slit your
neck with all the rest of them.
And you, my little
green beauty--
--[RIBBITS] Hey--
[RIBBETS] --quit it.
Quit it.
[SCREAMS]
Gee, I feel so--
[RIBBETS] --violated.
-[MOANS]
Three drops of virgin blood.
My wonderful precious
machine is almost
completed, except for one thing.
Grandma!
Let's operate.
-Hold it right
there, witch bitch.
-Huh?
Oh, more guests.
How nice.
Kill them!
[CHAINSAW WHIRRING]
[AIR SIREN SOUNDING]
--[GROANING] Mayday,
mayday, air support.
-[SCREAMING]
-Oh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
-[SCREAMS]
-[SCREAMS]
-How dare you touch my precious
machine, you miserable old bag.
-[CHUCKLES] Old bag, am I?
I'll teach you to have some
respect for your elders, missy.
-[SCREAMING]
-Come on.
-Wow.
[RIBBETS]
-Don't you just
love happy endings?
-Now that my stepmother's dead
and the Pazuzu Configuration
is destroyed, we must
get out of here quickly.
My whole world's
ready to fall apart.
-Let's go, then.
-I'm not going, Stewart.
My stepmother was right.
I don't belong in your world.
I belong here, where I
won't be an abomination.
-Yeah, I really kicked some
ass that time, didn't I?
-Yeah, sure, Grandma.
Come on, Grandma.
Let's go.
It's all gone.
-Hey, what about me?
I'm still a frog.
[RIBBETS]
-Well, didn't that
Bethany character
say that you had to be
kissed by a fair maiden?
Didn't she?
-OK, fine.
I'll do it.
I'll kiss him.
What?
So I feel sorry for
the poor bastard.
So what?
[SIGHS]
No tongue, or I will kill you.
[SIGHS]
Uck!
Enough already.
-Wow.
I'm not a virgin anymore.
-This is the last time I'm
gonna deliver pizzas here.
Ugh.
-It sure is a nice day out, huh?
-Yeah.
-You're still bummed out
about Bethany, aren't you?
-Let's change the subject, huh?
Mom and Dad don't know anything
about what happened last night.
And Grandma's so senile,
nobody would believe
her even if she
did say anything.
Let's forget it, huh?
Ancient history.
-Well, at least
I'm back to normal.
[RIBBET SOUND]
-Ahoy, civilians.
-Hey, Mr. Flopchek.
-I'm looking for those
goddamn witches, Stewart.
And when they come
back, I'm gonna
be waiting for them this time.
-Thanks, Mr. Flopchek.
Oh, man, I don't believe this.
-What do you think
of my new wheels?
Do you wanna go for a ride?
-Well, yeah.
How'd you get back here?
-A good magician never
gives away her tricks.
-So where we going?
-I don't know.
Ever been to Stonehenge?
-Stonehenge?
-Hey, guys.
You forgot me.
[SIGHS] Maybe I can find
some more flies or something.
-Come on, Chewy.
Come on, Chewy.
Just quit fooling around.
It's, it's breakfast time.
-I wish you wouldn't
talk to that.
That thing's-- that's
not even alive.
What do you do that for?
-Dear--
-Well, I just hate babying
your mother all the time.
Why can't somebody
just stop mincing words
and tell her that thing is dead?
-That's just plain nonsense.
Chewy is so alive.
-[GROANING] [LAUGHS]