The Wheeler Dealers (1963) - full transcript

I had a feeling it was a duster.

You got the only three dry Wells
in paradise basin, Henry,

and two leases expiring next week.

What about the Bailey five?

Looks bad, Henry.

Dropped the bid at 6-5.
We're fishing for it now.

Well, you can't sell dust, Henry,

so you got to hightail it
up to the big city

and get yourself
some shopping money quick, yes.

Billy Joe, is money
all you ever think about?

Henry, I am an accountant.



I'm supposed to think about money.

So you go on up north and raise
$1.2 million starting right now,

or you're broke, yes.

Henry, you're a rich man,

and a rich man can't afford to go broke.

Hello, j.R.!

Good day, r.J.

Hi and how are y'all?

Save your confederate money, boys.

Widgets is coming back in style.

Taxi.

Taxi!

Taxi!

Taxi.



What are you doing, lady?

There, young man.

Maybe that'll teach you some manners.

You can't get a cab in the airport.

You can't get a cab when it rains.

You can't get a cab
unless you don't want one.

Any other city, you can phone for a cab.

Not New York.

You're just like my wife, mister.

You don't understand
the economics of the situation.

Then teach me.

I'm interested in the economics
of about every situation.

Well, there are 11,000 cabs in the city

and no new permits for the next 25 years.

Now, suppose you want to
buy a cab and start hacking.

You got to get a new permit, too.

Now, the tab on a new permit

is $18,500 on the open market.

And how much did your cab cost, Mr...

Feinberg?

$3,300. new.

And that makes your investment,
with the permit

come to about $22,000?

Yeah.
but don't tell my wife.

She'll think I'm rich.

Mr. feinberg,

I'll give you $24,000
for your cab and permit.

You want to buy the cab?

Right, but you come along with it.

I'll need your services
for a week, maybe two.

No, look, mister.

I can't sell the cab.
I need it.

Well, I figured that.

So, when I leave,

I'll sell it back to you for $22,000.

You want to lose 2 grand

just to keep your feet dry
when it starts to rain?

I don't lose, Mr. feinberg.

You see, I borrow the money,

and then I get a deduction
on the loan interest

and another on the depreciation

and another on the loss
when I sell it back to you,

and you make a nice profit.

You win and I win.

Unh-unh.

There got to be a loser somewhere.

Tax man loses.

He usually does on a Henry tyroon deal.

Mister, you just got yourself a taxi.

Yeah?

He did?

Henry's not in midland.

They said he went up to New York.

New York?

Yeah, I bet old Henry's up there
looking for some loose change.

They tell me he hit
nothing but dust in the basin.

Nothing but dust.

This year there's a real jinx
on him when it comes to oil.

Well, if he's looking
for mullet in New York,

it looks like that's where
we'll find the action.

I reckon we better swing by
for a look-see.

We better sashay up to New York.

Yeah.
right now, Charlie.

I can't tell whether I'm hung over

or whether I've got sinus trouble.

Well, since you've got the choice,
why not make it sinus trouble.

Thanks a lot.

The fuzz on that toungue.

My sinuses don't reach that far.

Where'd you pick up the fuzz?

I caught it at a cocktail party.

I don't think I ate enough.

Bet you ate enough olives.

And where did you spend the night?

On the good ship lollipop?

No. went to a gallery
with Leonard.

A new artist he thinks
is the coming thing.

Leonard still having his problems?

Still seeing that psychiatrist?

You'd have problems, too,

if you were married to that
woman he was married to.

Well, I've have problems
married to any woman.

Isn't it amazing how i
sparkle so early in the morning?

Why bother sparkling?

When a girl sparkles down on wall street,

she's a threat.

When she sparkles uptown,
in my territory,

she's a promise.

I'll stay downtown, thank you very much.

You better quit sparkling for Leonard.

You won't get anywhere with him.

A headshrinker's too much competition.

It puts a third party in the action.

Leonard's a pastime, not a project.

It's comfortable to have him around.

He helps me ward off the grabbers.

I've got to run, so I'll see you later.

Now, you see, if you worked
uptown instead of down,

you wouldn't have to bolt so early.

We could shop at bonwits at lunchtime.

Uptown is just a state of mind.

Me?

Put up another $100,000?

Me?

Henry, you must be out of your mind.

You surprise me, len.
You're hesitating.

We went down the line with you this year,

and what did it get us?

Part ownership in six of the
deepest, driest holes in Texas.

You boys sure got short memories.

How about the seven Wells
we brought in two years ago?

I don't believe in living in the past.

You're slowing down, Henry.
Maybe you're loosing your touch.

You used to have undercurrents, Henry.

I don't feel the undercurrents anymore.

Len, a few years ago,

when you had all those surplus
airplanes you couldn't unload,

- you said, "send them to the junkman," right?
- Right.

Well, just who was it that sold
them as an air force

to a certain unnamed party
in central America?

But we got paid in bananas.

Yeah, and you ferried
those bananas on your airline

and cleared half a million
dollars, right?

And you, flink.

Who was it that put you

onto those 40,000
obsolete Japanese cameras?

You did, Henry, but I...

I made you the first American in history

to export Japanese cameras to Japan.

I didn't make beans on that deal.

But when we imported them
again, you made a killing?

And you, achilles.
Of all people to hold out on me.

When we had those tanker charters

and they bottled our ships up
in the Suez,

who was it that swapped
all that nail-Polish remover

for six more tankers
to meet our commitments?

That I liked.
That was complicated.

Yeah.
just remember, boys.

Nobody who has ever sold me short

has come out ahead of the game yet.

Now, I want $100,000 from each
of you, and I want it now.

Well...

I've always been
a percentage player, Henry.

Count me in.

I'll go along for the ride.

It's against my better judgment...

But I made a lot of money
against my better judgment.

Thank you, gentlemen.

- Okay, boy.
- Righto.

Let's get to that list, whitby.

Here it is right here.

It's every stock that osgood
bought before he passed on.

Meglo manitoba iron ore.

He bought it in 1951 for $3 a share.

Where is it now?

A 61-cent bid.

Great eastern offshore oil, cost $14...

Six-cent bid.

You mean we haven't unloaded that yet?

Well, it take's a while to
unload the real dogs, bullard.

My boy, somewhere in this vast, verdant,

ever-growing nation of ours

must be some people stupid enough

to buy great eastern offshore oil.

Find them.

Yes, sir.

Here's another real dog, bullard...

Universal widget.

Doesn't say when osgood bought it.

Doesn't say for how much.
We've had it for a long time.

I-i can't seem to find out
anything about it.

Well, write it up
in our next stock letter.

Point out that industry is growing

increasingly
widget-conscious.

What is a widget, bullard?

I don't know.
Ask industry.

Here's a happier item.
Reactor engines.

He bought it for five cents
six years ago,

sold it yesterday for $61.

$61?
that shrewd old fox.

Well, that's the list.

We're still in the red while
everyone else is cleaning up.

Economy...
that's the answer.

We just got to trim off some of the fat.

No more long-distance
phone calls.

Tell your pals at the club
to pick up some luncheon checks.

Last man out at night has to make sure

that he turns out all the lights.

Cancel the linen service.
We'll get paper towels...

You know, the kind that come out
one sheet at a time.

Tell the men to blot, not rub.

I'll take care of it, bullard.

And we've got to let somebody go.

But we need everybody, bullard.

You never need everybody.

But if we let any of the boys
go, there'll be talk.

Right, if we let any of the boys go.

But, what about our girl?

Well, the girl seems to be
doing pretty well...

A lot of bright ideas, a lot of energy.

It's kind of unusual around here.

What's the difference?

That's one way we can cut
expenses without causing talk.

Besides, everybody knows
that taking on that girl

was just an experiment.

We've got to have a reason.

Let her try moving one of those dogs,

like that widget thing, for instance.

There's your reason.

Where's she going?

Her lunch club, I think.

Women shouldn't be allowed
to have lunch club.

We got to keep them off balance,
disorganized,

clawing and scratching at each other.

Otherwise, they might turn on us
like mad dogs.

And so you see, ladies,
many things are made of steel...

Bright, shining, faithful steel

that you use in your kitchens at home.

Now, I want to leave you
with an interesting statistic

concerning a small thing of
special importance to women...

The Bobby pin.

Now, the value of the amount of steel

that goes into one year's production

of the American Bobby pin

is greater than the national income

of many far eastern
and south American nations.

So is it any wonder, then,

that we of the industry are proud?

Thank you, ladies, for your attention.

Are there any questions?

Mr. Wilson,
it was very nice of you

to explain to us how shiny steel is,

but we would like
some hard facts and figures.

For instance, how will earnings per share

be affected by the fringe benefits

in section 17
of the recent union contract?

Well, young lady, we'd have to
take out our pencils

and sharpen them
to answer that one, wouldn't we?

Say you raised iron billet prices 5 %.

What effect would
foreign competition have

considering freight costs?

Well, that's something
that would have to be determined

coolly, logically,

and with the best interest of
the American consumer at heart.

But what would the figures be?

But I see that I'm overdue
at my office now,

so I must bid all you
charming ladies adieu.

Thank you so much for coming,
Mr. Wilson.

Jerusalem steel has been
delighted to meet you ladies.

You're uppermost in our thoughts.

What's the use?

They treat us like secretaries
and housewives...

Just women.

Insulting.
absolutely insulting.

Did you get that bit about the kitchen?

And they're supposed to be
smarter than we are.

That's a laugh.

Why doesn't anyone take us seriously?

I'll tell you why.

Because they don't think women
have a place on wall street,

and we have.

They won't let us join the
society of security analysts.

The next thing you know,

they won't let us on the floor
of the stock exchange.

They say we're too emotional
for securities,

we have no head for figures,
but our day is coming!

We'll show them!
We have rights!

And we're not emotional,
and we're not excitable!

You deserve a shot at something
really big, Thatcher.

Of course, I'll admit
i was a little nervous

when you first came with us.

But now we've all come to think
of you as one of the boys.

Well, thank you,
Mr. bear.

And now we're going to give you a chance

to show your real stuff,
real salesmanship.

We've acquired a little gem
called universal widget,

and we think the public ought to share

in this great opportunity.

Of course, you understand

the ever-increasingly
dominant role

that widgets play
in our national economy.

Certainly, Mr. bear.
I'll start on it right away.

That's my boy.

Widgets... widgets...

Widgets.

Here we are.

Universal widget,
whippleton, Massachusetts.

Founded 1844.

The president, Thaddeus whipple.

Directors lemuel whipple,
neahmiah whipple, Isaac whipple.

No annual meeting and no figures reported

since 1894.

Boy.
it's worse than I thought.

Excuse me, ma'am.

I'd appreciate it if you could direct me

to the office
of Mr. bullard bear.

Thataway?

First door there.

Much obliged.

I hope you'll excuse me

for the forwardness of the
remark I'm about to make, ma'am,

but surprise becomes you.

Makes your eyes real pretty blue,

like a prairie flower, sort of.

Did I hear wrong, or did that
man actually say "thataway"?

Thataway?

Thataway.

Now, with all the money

that this office
must have made last year,

you have got to drill off
some of that income, Mr. bear.

Now, I've got some participations open

down in scurry county

that'll give you the kind of tax shelter

that an outfit in your bracket
really needs.

The depletion allowance...

Mr. tyroon, this year
i don't even have a bracket.

Maybe we can get together
on something else, though.

You know the oil business.

You know great eastern offshore oil?

Yeah.
nice... very nice people, yeah.

Sorry to hear about their rig last night.

Rig? last night?

The very last rig just, you know,

got hit by a Gale down in the
Gulf and toppled over and sank.

They got everybody off in time,
though, thank goodness.

Thank goodness.
Excuse me just a minute.

Dr. pfeiffer? Charlie Raleigh
at bear, osgood, and whitby.

We just got a flash
on great eastern offshore oil.

It looks like they've finally
sunk something...

Something big down in the Gulf.

This may be your last chance

to buy great eastern at this price.

I'd never forgive myself if
i didn't let you know in time.

I didn't know you had women
working on wall street now.

That's Molly Thatcher,
one of our top analysts,

specializing in the widget industry.

Widgets?

Quite a boom now, she tells me.

Well, I'm certainly interested
in booming industries.

I gather you might consider
opening an account with us.

I certainly might.

I've had my eyes on widget
for quite some time now.

Let's see if we can get
our miss Thatcher for you.

Well, Mr. tyroon,

actually, I've just started on widget,

but one thing I know already...

It's a vital company, but a small one.

And once it starts growing,
which it has to...

It sure has to.

Then the stock could move very rapidly.

It's an old company and secure.

It was started in 1844.

And its strategic position in
the new england area makes it...

Mr. tyroon, please.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

I didn't want to interrupt,
and I didn't think you'd notice.

Have you been listening to
anything I've said about widget?

Established 1844, old and secure,

strategic position
in the new england area,

and you sure got mighty pretty hair.

The company's management

appears to be able and experienced.

Excuse me.

Molly Thatcher speaking.

Hi, Leonard.

No, that's all right.
I'm almost finished.

What time is it now?

It is?
Well, I won't be much longer.

Well, look, why don't you
go on up to the apartment,

and I'll stop by the market
and pick us up some chianti,

and then I'll whip us up
some scallopini, all right?

Then we can listen to music
and watch the late show

until your nerves are soothed, okay?

Fine. bye-bye.

Now, then, Mr. tyroon.

Mr. tyroon.

Hoo.

Excuse me.

I'm afraid you were
a million miles away just then.

Yes.
well, i-I'm sorry.

I-i didn't know I was in the way
of your plans.

I guess we better take this up
another time?

No. I'm at your disposal,
Mr. tyroon.

Well, now, I really would

like to know more about these widgets,

except the only free time I have
is, dinner tonight.

I'm terribly sorry.
I have a date.

Couldn't you ask Leonard
for the night off?

I don't have to ask Leonard for anything.

Now, are you sure you can't
make it any other time?

Cross my heart.

Well...

All right.

All right, then... 7:30.

I was just gonna take a cab uptown.

Could I give you a lift?

Mr. tyroon,
you don't know this town.

It's impossible to get a cab
at this time of day.

I'll show you to the subway.

The east side subway is this way.

Howdy, partner.

Howdy.

Well, Billy Joe, hold him off
some other way, then.

Well, write a Boston check
on our Miami bank,

cover that with a check
from the L.A. bank,

cover that with a check
from the Dallas bank.

By the time they run
the first check down,

I'll have us the money.

I am not fooling around, Billy Joe.

I'm meeting all kinds of money tomorrow.

Yeah.
well, same to you, fella.

Hi.

Hi, Molly.

You having company?

Nope. just me.

You got Leonard on the docket again?

No, not tonight.

This time it's dinner
with a client... a texan.

How does he shape up?

You wouldn't believe him, my dear.

He's really too much.
Boots and all.

Bet he walks in here
with two dozen flowers.

You can find a better reason
than that to hate him.

My boss says this is
some sort of a challenge,

but I think that Texas
is just another guy on the make.

That's the way people are constructed.

You know, I don't like what's
been going on in the office.

I keep telling you...

Downtown a girl has to be twice
as smart to get half as far.

I think Mr. bear's put me
on this for some sort of reason.

On wall street, you're every man's rival.

Uptown, I smile, and I get a $5 raise.

An uptown job is just the way

a girl kills time till the evening date.

Anyway, I like wall street.

I like my job, and I'm good at it.

Besides, the man I marry
is going to have to want

something more than a chief cook
and bottle washer.

Sooner or later, fate, in
the form of the diaper service,

must come knocking at the door.

I'll take later.

I'll take sooner.

Now, why do you suppose
Mr. bear wants me

to fight off a large texan?

You think he's got more
than business on his mind?

Every man has sex on the brain

like it's some sort of wonder drug,

a cure-all for everything...
Colds, pleurisy, arthritis.

I even had a guy once tell me
that sex prevents cavities.

Cavities?
in your teeth?

Sure.

When you're tense, you have
more acids in your mouth,

and acids eat enamel.

When you get rid of the tension,
you get rid of the acids,

and the best way to get rid of tension...

Don't tell me.
Let me guess.

Say, why don't you ever undress
in the bathroom?

Because I can't hear you
from the bathroom.

Well, at least Leonard spares me
all that jazz.

Say, where are you and this
cowboy gonna chow down?

I don't know.

Someplace where he can't
put his boots on the table

and order a burnt steak.

Try le cochon très Cher.
It is so swank.

You're not even allowed
to use your teeth.

You just gum the food.

That's about the best idea
you've had all day.

- Leonard.
- evening.

I've been trying to reach you
for the past hour.

You know Dr. pfeiffer will never
answer the phone during my sessions.

Well, I know, Leonard, but I'm sorry.

I'm gonna have to break our dinner date,

because I have a very urgent
business appointment.

I'll-I'll make it up to you
another night. I promise.

No veal scallopini?
No soft music?

I just told you I can't.

I have to have dinner with a client.

How did you rationalize
this rejection of me?

What excuse did you give yourself?

It's not a rejection.
It's a client.

But the real reason,

the subconscious reason
you're rejecting me,

has to do with the ambiguous
masculine-feminine role

which you have...

It has to do with
trying to sell some stock.

Stock. money.

Do you know what Freud said about money?

It's refuse, dirt.

I'm just trying to turn a fast mud pie.

Now, good night, Leonard.

My client's coming to get me pretty soon.

I'll talk to you later.

I'll be at Sonia's.

Well, howdy, Leonard.

Evening, ma'am.
Brought you some flowers.

Howdy, ma'am.

That's my roommate, Eloise cott.

Holy cow.

I, guess I better put my shoes on.

I feel a little short in the saddle.

You know, you really
didn't have to do this.

Well, I always figured

that flowers and ladies
kind of go together.

Where we gonna chow down tonight, ma'am?

Well, there's a little place
where we usually drop in,

sort of a neighborhood atmosphere.

It's called le cochon très Cher.

What does that mean?

Well, in French, it means
"the very dear pig,"

but that's not what it means.

Thank you.

We should have made a reservation.

We'll never get a table.

Sure.

Excuse me.

We'd like to get a table
and something to eat, please.

If you will wait at the bar, monsieur,

I will call you...
Perhaps two, three hours.

But I'm too hungry to wait that long.

Monsieur duglace, madame, bonsoir!

Le numeral quatre pour
mssr. Duglace et dame.

Merci.

Yes.

Excuse me.

Clyde, I don't think
you understood the lady.

You got all those empty tables,

and we'd like to eat there right now.

Monsieur, when I say three hours,

I mean three hours.

You listen to me, merle.

Pasado uno para El oficial
de imigración, ¿.

Para uno piccolo de tu quota.

Un grande amigo de eliot ness.

Certamente, signore.

Certamente.

Il tradire dieci per signore queen.

Avanti.

Thank you.

Monsieur.

Was that Italian?

I find that in New York,

most French headwaiters are Italian.

Can you speak Italian?

No, ma'am.
No, ma'am.

That's just a little wetback Spanish.

It sounds the same.

You, really do like this place?

Yes. I could eat here...
Every night of my life.

Madame, monsieur, may I suggest
a specialty of the house?

Filet de sole Monaco.

Excuse me, friend.

Yes, sir?

What's that key for?

That's the key to the wine cellar, sir.

Well, if that's the key,
the door must be 50 feet high.

May I suggest the specialty of the house?

Filet de sole Monaco.

Well, I think I'll have

the poulet flambé Saint Bernard du vin.

Excellent.
excellent choice.

You, monsieur?

What was that you had?

That's chicken with mushrooms and onions

and marinated in wine
and topped with Brandy.

Chuck-wagon stew
with a dash of red-eye?

Waiter, bring me a burnt steak

and a mess of Greens, please.

Yes. of course.

I'll bet you a shave

that old Henry's on to something
real good.

Okay, I'll see your see your shave

and raise you two shoeshines.

I'll see your two shoeshines,
raise you a shave,

and loan you my helicopter.

That's good wine.

And aren't you glad I made you
change your order to chicken?

I sure am.

That chicken's the most I've had to drink

in quite some time.

Now, Mr. tyroon,
let's get back to business,

because I know you want to hear
about widgets.

I sure do.

How did a girl like you
ever get mixed up with widgets?

You mean what am I doing on wall street,

and how come I'm not married?

Well, now, I wasn't gonna get to
that for another hour or so.

I'm impressed by your directness.

Mr. tyroon,
getting married

is not the only thing a girl can do.

And I like wall street,

and I want to see girls accepted there.

Well, you mean them fellas downtown

are giving you a hard time?

And if I can put widget
over, I'm on my way.

I may even be the next president
of the women security analysts.

Well, since we're doing
all this so speedy-like,

this Leonard, is he your steady fella?

No, no. No.

No. i-i see a lot of him.

He's an art critic and very intelligent.

And your next question is going to be

how long have I known him.

Ee.

There's no point in messing with you.

You're ahead of me all the way.

I'm just not used to bright girls.

You really think I'm bright?

So do I, and nobody ever tells me that.

Whenever anybody
wants to score points with me,

they tell me I'm pretty.

And I get so tired of that when...

When actually,
i-I've done s-some very...

Intelligent...

Thoughtful work.

Hey! hey, good buddy!

Everything's gonna be all right.

Now get off the road, little puppy,

and let us big dogs roll.

Well, howdy, Henry.
Evening, ma'am.

Evening, ma'am.
Howdy, Henry.

Howdy, boys.

Miss Molly Thatcher, I'd like you to meet

Jay ray spenalbee,
ray Jay potts, and j.R. Wilson.

- Hi.
- hi. - Hi.

The boys are from Texas.

No. hello.

It's a pleasure, ma'am,
and if I'm not too bold,

I'd just like to say that your
hair's pretty as corn silk.

Prettier.

Say, now, Henry,

whatever it is you're on to,
I'll take a fourth of it.

And I'll take an eighth.

I'll see your eighth
and I'll raise you a fourth.

Well, I'll tell you, boys,

I haven't got anything going just now.

These gentlemen have been
associated with me

in a couple of my ventures.

Come on, now, Henry.
You can tell us.

Now, what are we getting into this time?

Honest, boys, I'm just out
for a nice sociable dinner.

Is that true, ma'am?

Yes, that's true.

Where can a man get a bowl
of chili in here?

How is the chow, ma'am?

Well, it's just about
the best in the world...

When you get a chance to enjoy it.

You, really like this place?

Under certain circumstances,
it can be heaven.

Well, people have
a different idea about heaven.

Well, let's see.

There's a few interesting principles.

I mean, it's got a high margin.

You keep the people packed in there.

At a dollar and a half a shot,
they're crying to get in.

By the time they have
four or five whiskeys,

they don't know what the wine
tastes like anyway.

Yeah, they got them little pulley carts.

Fire insurance.

You, really, really like it here?

Yes.

Well, when he's not busy,
would you have him call me back?

Miss Thatcher?

Yes, Mr. bear?

What's new with that widget thing

we gave you several days ago?

Well, I've been trying
to do the research,

but the company doesn't answer its phone.

What about that texan we set you up with?

I-i haven't been able
to reach him.

Well, don't let him get away,
miss Thatcher.

Speed things up. We've got to
get on to other things.

Give her another month.

Otherwise, it will look too obvious.

One month, and we trim the fat.

Out she goes.

Leonard, I sympathize,

but I can't listen to your troubles now.

I have too many of my own.

Listen, I'll see you at
the opening tonight, all right?

I have another call now.

Molly Thatcher.

I'm not disturbing you, am I?

Hi!
no, no.

You're not disturbing me one bit.

I've been trying to reach you for days.

I was afraid I wouldn't get
the chance to talk to you again.

Well, I've been working
on a little crash project.

I got a surprise for you.

I'd like to show it to you
tonight about, 7:30?

I do want to talk to you.

I have to go to an art gallery tonight,

a reception for a new artist,

the first time his paintings
have been hung.

If you wouldn't mind eating early,

maybe you'd like to come
to the gallery with me.

It's the first time
i ever took a girl to a hanging.

Bye-bye.

Evening, ma'am.

Good evening, sir.

Well, good evening there, Bonaparte.

We'll be out in a couple hours, feinberg.

Good evening, Mr. tyroon.

It's nice to see you this evening.

Well, thank you.

Commendatore, buonasera.
Quell'onore.

Commendatore, buonasera.
Quell'onore.

Signorina, bellissima.

Molta carina, bellissima, signorina.

Wake up.

One of your favorite cigars,
Mr. tyroon.

Favorite cigars.

Grazie, grazie.

Thank you, Zelda.

They certainly have changed
this place, haven't they?

And that headwaiter...

Did he turn out to be your
long-lost father or something?

Well I figured if the bar is more
profitable than the dining area

and people like to be shoved around,

well, then, you double the size
of the bar

and shove them a little harder.

Good evening, Mr. tyroon.
Good evening, mademoiselle.

Good evening, Clyde.

Now we have a 100-foot door
on the wine cellar.

Then I figured,

who would loan me enough money
to buy this place?

Simple.
a fire-insurance company.

Mr. tyroon,
y-you bought this place?

Chez-Henri.

"Henri" is the same as "Henry,"
and Henry is me.

- Mr. tyroon...
- No, no, no.

You can call me Henri,
like it says on the menu.

You bought this place.

Well, you said you'd like to
eat here every night.

Well, now you can.

See what we got tonight.

Nardo! nardo?!

Wait for Chuck!

Pottsfield is such an antiseptic painter.

At first glance,

but that's because he uses
only white paint.

Well, his paintings
are germ-free.

But then when you've said that,
you've said everything.

Personally, I like horse paintings.

Henry, abstracts are always
hard at first.

It's an acquired taste.

Now, you have to try to understand,

what is the artist trying to communicate?

A feeling, but he ain't making it.

But I can't this Saturday, spike.

I'm going to the cape to expand.

For the whole weekend?!

Nardo!
nardo, there you are!

His work is ghastly,

but it does have a certain obscene power.

Communication is very difficult
at first, Henry.

Well, I ain't having any difficulty.

He is.

I don't think what Ted is doing
is awful at all.

After all, Dee Dee and Sally are twins.

You're not trying, Henry.

Well, I'm willing to try,
but he's got to try, too.

Excuse me, Henry.

$500?

I think I get the message.

Nardo!
nardo, you dear, dear boy!

I read your brilliant
little piece in art world.

So acrid, so deliciously nasty!

Nobody else could do it!

Nardo, you must come
and have tea with me.

There's the most exciting
neorealist painter

I want you to meet.

He's a slob, darling, but he's a genius.

Let us in on it, nardo.

What are you going to say
about the exhibition?

Yes.

This exhibition is going to make history.

That's what I'll say.

What stanislas has achieved here

is essence rather than appearance

by using space on light
instead of light on space,

and that, of course,
is the whole mystique

or geist, if you will,
of the stanislas method.

He's brought mysticism to painting,

but he hasn't fallen into the trap

of bringing painting to mysticism.

My dear.
He's a genius.

One thinks of baudelaire and
the other fin-de-siècle poets,

because, well,

one just does think of
baudelaire so often these days.

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to make a scene.

Seems this picture
broke that young fella up.

Don't worry about him.

He's a paid weeper, one of the best.

You know this fella stanislas?

I am stanislas.

Seems to me that,

you use space on light
instead of light on space.

Six of one...

You're bringing mysticism to painting,

but you ain't bringing painting
to mysticism.

What are you, some kind of religious nut?

Tell me, stanislas,

is this an asking price, or is that firm?

Firm.
sold four already tonight.

Of course, if you're a Texas collector,

I might work something out on a job lot.

Afraid I can't afford
a hobby like collecting.

It's not a hobby.

It's an investment.

Remember that Rembrandt

that sold for $2 million a bit ago?

Yeah, I heard about it.

You know you could have bought
that once for 20 bucks?

From whom?

From Rembrandt when he painted it.

Now, my stuff goes for 500 clams,

but it's got 1,000 % profit potential.

Yeah, but Rembrandt and that bunch,

you know, they're old masters.

They've all been bid up.

This new stuff, it's like wildcatting.

It may go up,
but the odds are against it.

If I read you right, you go for wildcats.

I always like something
on the outskirts of a producer

where nobody's brought one in...

Not too expensive,
but then, not too left-field.

I believe I know of just such a field.

Now, when the collection
needs a curator...

A curator?

A foreman.

Someone to ride the herd
and all that beauty.

Well, I always give my associates

a piece of the action.

Let me lay this on you.

The coming field
is German expressionists.

I have the awful feeling

that the ax is about to fall.

"How are things going, miss Thatcher?

We can't keep on giving
you chances, now, can we?"

Let the ax fall.

Work uptown and be a girl again.

How can somebody just disappear for days?

Henry?

Who else?

Well, he couldn't go around
in public forever.

Answer that, would you?
My hands are wet.

Yes?

Fine, thanks, but my head's hot.

Hold on.

Hello?

Hello, Henry.

I'm fine.

No.
that's all right.

I've been terribly busy, too.

I-i tried to reach you,
but you checked out.

Henry, I never did get a chance

to explain to you all about widget and...

Half an hour?

Well, I'm really awfully busy,

but, I guess I could make it
in a half an hour.

All right.

I-I've got to get in
some clothes.

Would you rinse those things out for me?

Sure. run along.

Does my hair look all right?

For a downtown girl,
that's an uptown question.

Better not look at this one.

It's a shattering experience.
Loosens your teeth.

You know, we're sopping up
the flokes, flack,

and 'dinskys, all right.

About to get the noldes cornered.

How we doing on them gorkys?

Well, if you can extend your bank credit,

I can grab the two gorkys
in the rothschild collection.

Now, there, there, honey.

Don't cry. No.

I thought you were gone forever.

Me and my boy stanislas,

we've been wildcatting
all over the place.

We went to Europe on Tuesday.

Your b...
W-what are you doing here?

Mother, you're talking
to the head wrangler

of the Henry tyroon collection.

This is miss Cathy Madison.

She works for the same magazine
your boy Leonard works for.

Art world?

Such a moving collection.

Such marvelous taste.

That... that nolde.

Yeah. how about this cute
little yeller one right here?

Ain't that a beauty?

Are they real?

They better be.

But that one over there...

That's in the Tate gallery in London.

Well, it was in the Tate gallery.

We just about got this
expressionist field

- staked out?
- They are real.

Mr. tyroon, I hope
you'll show them all together

in your exhibition.

Your personal taste makes it all a...

An entity.

Henry, have you looked
at anything you've bought?

Looked?

My poor eyes about bugged out.

Now, if you could just tell me

what you consider the key
to your collection,

I'll have plenty for my interview.

Yes.

Well, the, the key
to my collection is, this.

I immerse myself

in whatever the painter
is trying to communicate.

This school, if I may call it such is,

is not decorative.

It deals with...

Human problems.

And... I learn from it.

Mr. tyroon, thank you.

You have done a beautiful thing.

The art world owes you
a debt of gratitude.

Let me go down and help you grab a cab.

Good day, ma'am.

Henry, you don't love them.

You have no right to own them.

Well, now, I ain't gonna hide them away.

I've just gotten involved in
a little wheelin' and dealin'.

Doesn't anything give you any pleasure

unless it makes money for you?

Molly, you got me all wrong.

You don't go wheelin'
and dealin' for money.

You do it for fun.

Money's just the way you keep score.

You see, I figure if there's
a strike anywhere,

this whole field is gonna go straight up.

Now, anytime you feel like
communicating with these fellas,

you just come right on up, you hear?

Howdy, Henry.

Boys.

Evening, miss Thatcher.

Evening, Jay ray,
r.J., Jay ray.

We sure hate to bust in.

We ask your forgiveness.
We didn't want to interrupt.

That's all right.
You're not interrupting a thing.

Thank you, ma'am.

Now, Henry, you remember
the time I let you have my crew

so you could meet an expiration date.

I sure do, j.R.

And remember, Henry, when we
drilled all them dusters,

we didn't whimper.

I did appreciate that.

Well, then, Henry,

now, we hear you're onto something hot.

Where's the action, Henry?

- Canada?
- Venezuela?

Well, now, hold on, boys.

You caught me out prematurely.
I'm not ready yet.

But, Henry, we're your buddies here.

Well, since I can't pay
for what I bought,

I would be glad to extend
of a little participation.

Henry, we hear tell

you're messing around
with them electronics.

No, no, no.

Oil.

No.

Heaven forfend.
Not this year.

Anything but oil.

Oil it is.

And it's right here...
On canvas.

- Canvas?
- canvas?

Henry, are you all right, son?

You feeling a might bit peaked, son?

Molly, I wonder if you could
get these gentlemen

something for their parched throats?

Well, just a little branch water, ma'am.

Boys, did you ever hear
of a fella named renoir?

Of course you have.

Once upon a time,

this fella renoir, he painted pictures.

And he couldn't sell them
to save his life.

He gave them away for his supper.

Sold some for 50 cents.

Why?

That's 'cause they was all kind of fuzzy.

And people laughed.

People weren't ready for fuzzy pictures.

Do you know what one of those
fuzzy old renoirs

will bring today?

Mnh-mnh.

$1 million.

Now, I know.

You're gonna say that these
pictures don't look fuzzy.

They look scratchy.

Well, I may be wrong,

but when people get ready
for scratchy pictures,

these are gonna go up,
right through the ceiling.

Look at the fuselage on this woman.

What's the acreage on this run, Henry?

I'd say, $60 million
an acre, counting the frames.

What's the depletion allowance?

Well, I'll tell you, j.R.,

it's not depletion,
but it works out the same.

You buy the paintings,
you give them to the museum,

and then you take a deduction
on the appraised value,

which is going up.

I figure I can save you,

say, 10 cents on the dollar off income.

Ray Jay.

Just a minute.

Look, ray Jay, you the art man.

- We could buy a little...
- They look pretty good.

I'll go.
All right.

Henry, we've made a decision.

Now, we realize that a deal
like this is risky,

but there's a risk in all good things.

So we're gonna take half the kandinsky

and one-fourth of this pile
over here...

If we get a one-eighth override

on the producers of this batch here.

All right.
Sounds fair.

You got yourself a deal.

Yes, sir, it's a deal,
j.R., ray Jay.

Evening, miss Thatcher.
Evening, Henry.

Evening boys.

Well, now, that wasn't hard, was it?

Henry, you're quite an operator.

In some fields.

In others, I don't even know
where to start.

Well, you could start
with universal widget.

Although maybe
that's not exciting enough...

Not enough room for wheeling and dealing.

You want action?

Okay.

First thing in the morning,

you and I will hop in a car
and run up to Massachusetts

and take a look at this universal widget.

Then you can prepare
to hold on to your hat.

What happened to feinberg and your taxi?

We couldn't get the top down on that one.

Left is scotch and right is bourbon.

Left is soda, and right is branch water.

All I wanted was a light.

Try that one.

Henry, this is not the way
i light my cigarettes.

Excuse me.

Could you tell us where
the universal widget plant is?

Plant is right down there.

Burned to the ground after the war.

Spring of '99.

Don't let on any more
than you have to, Zeke.

Is that the only plant?
You sure?

Only one.

First left, second right.

Down the hill.

Old new england company.

Strategically located.

And it sure has lots of room for growth.

Come in.

Good afternoon,
Mr. whipple.

Might be.
Might not be.

My name is Henry tyroon.

This young lady is miss Molly Thatcher

from the wall street firm
of bear, osgood, and whitby.

Women on wall street now,

Mr. whipple, we won't
take up much of your time.

We... we just want to ask you
a few questions.

Might as well ask them sitting down.

Mr. whipple,

where did you build the new plant

when the north Adams street
plant burned down?

Never did build a new plant.

You are the president
of universal widget?

Says so on the door, don't it?

Don't think I'd paint
a falsehood on my door, do you?

Well, then where do you make the widgets?

Young lady, I don't know
why you're up here

fussing about our stock.

We whipples control it anyway.

We haven't made a widget since 1854.

Any fool knows that.

Flying clippers went out years ago.

But you must make something.

Why?

Well, it seems to me,
if you don't make something,

you got no call to stay in business.

I'm a busy man,

and I'd like this to be
the last word on this subject.

Our company owns just two things...

That bog out there
and some stock we bought.

Only thing that keeps us
from dissolving the corporation

is my brother lemuel says we'd
have to pay a tax on the stock.

I don't understand.

Well, what Mr. whipple
is saying

is that when they went out
of widget production,

they took whatever was left
in the treasury

and invested it in another stock.

And that's where it is now.

That's right.

We bought American telephone
and telegraph

just before the war.

Back in the '30s?

The day before they sunk the lusitania.

You bought at&t in 1915?

You have a fortune in hidden assets!

Young lady, don't you fuss
with our stock.

It's selling now
just about the way it ought to.

You'd better go on home
and get yourself a husband.

And a cookbook.

Does my face look puffy?

I'm a gentleman, and I refuse
to answer that question.

I'm sorry I burst out like that.

I haven't done that in years.

You weren't crying over
a little old burned-out factory,

now, were you?

No.
it's the whole situation.

I mean, if I can't put widget over,

then it's gonna make it that much harder

for every girl on wall street,

and they're depending on me.

Anyway, this is
a wild-goose chase,

and my boss knows it.

Well, there's nothing wrong
with a wild-goose chase,

provided you catch the geese.

Anyway, how can I sell widget stock?

I mean, anybody in his right mind

would go and buy at&t
direct from his broker.

Well, I guess there's nothing
for me to do

but go back to Philadelphia

and push little monsters around
in supermarket carts.

You really want to stay out
of Philadelphia?

Excuse me.

All right.
I'll make you a deal.

This steak is all pink inside.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, I wonder if you'd
take it back to cooky

and tell him to burn it for me, please.

- Yes, sir.
- Thank you.

Don't wait for me.
Turkey will get cold.

Now, about that deal.

What about it?

All right.
Here are the terms.

If I help you put over this stock deal,

you come down to Texas with me
as my assistant

for six months.

If I don't help you, no deal.

Me in Texas?

There's plenty of room.

Henry, you're an operator,

but do you know anything
about the stock market?

I know the stock market
is money and emotion.

There's...
hope when you start out,

greed on the way up,
and fear on the way down.

I know that the stock market is people,

and if there's anything
you can't sell people,

I have yet to find out what it is.

These people need a reason to buy.

The beauty of it is, the reason
doesn't have to make sense.

You're not thinking
of anything illegal, are you?

I'm never illegal.

I'm just close to it.

Texas.

Philadelphia.

Mr. tyroon,
you've got yourself a deal.

All right.

First off, we go see whipple
in the morning.

Now, wait a minute there.

Staying overnight
is not part of the deal.

Well, we've got to take
advantage while we're here.

Advantage of whom?

Circumstances, that's all.

Henry, I may not be
the driven-snow type,

but I don't go in
for one-night stands.

I never thought you did, Molly.

Separate rooms okay?

Separate floors if you like.

I really do have to check
something in the morning.

We may have an extra asset
in that widget weed patch.

Separate floors.

Okay.

My compliments to the chef.

Henry, why don't you buy a
couple of new england mountains

and send them down to Texas?

Well, now, I'd purely like to do that.

But I just don't think I could swing it.

You don't mean to say

you finally discovered something
you can't buy.

No, I could buy the mountains, all right.

The problem is moving them.

My face still puffy?

It's still puffed a little right here.

And it's a little swollen right here,

and it...
It's all messed up here,

and...

It's still about the prettiest
face I ever did see.

You know something?

When I first met you, I didn't
believe you were for real.

I mean, the Texas accent
and the hat and those boots.

Well, it was all a little too much.

Well, supposing when I met you

that I was wearing
one of them wall street suits

and a short-brimmed hat
and I'd said...

"I find it hard to be happy

now that I've left
Harvard."

Would I have been any more real?

Well, maybe just a little bit.

Real is what you're used to
or what you get used to.

The boots and the hat
and the Texas accent

are just trimmings, that's all.

They don't really have
an awful lot to do with me.

Well, you're real to me now,
trimmings and all.

And I think it's time
we go back to the hotel.

Yeah.

Henry?

Nothing, just...
Henry.

Hey, you made me all kind of wide awake.

Want to join me for a nightcap?

No, thanks, Henry.
I'm kind of tired.

All right.

You call me the minute you wake up.

I'm on the second floor, room 23.

Okay. if you wake up first,
you call me.

I'm in, 32.

All right.
See you at breakfast?

Okay.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. tyroon?

The party in 23 called up

to say they ain't checking out.

But there's another vacancy in room 31.

31?

That's right next to 32.

You share a bath.

Is that the only other room you got?

We ain't got another vacancy
in the hotel.

Tough luck, Mr. tyroon.

Yeah.

I, asked for another room, but...

But they didn't have
any standard models left.

Party in 23 didn't check out.

This was the only room I could get.

And the automobile
with the scotch and the bourbon

and the new "tuck me in" look,

that was the only thing
you could get, too?

I didn't think you'd believe me.

I don't. And the warm-up
on the mountaintop...

There's nothing wrong
with your timing, is there?

I cross my heart, Molly.

And the nightcap that was
supposed to set me up.

What did you have in mind...
A-a triple bourbon?

I swear to you, Molly, I...

Now, look, Clyde. I told you...
No one-night stands.

Now, as far as I'm concerned,

rooms 31 and 32 are just one room,

and they have just one tenant.

You?

Henry?

Henry, you all right?

Yeah, I'm all right.

We're still partners, aren't we?

We're still partners.

Good night, partner.

Good night.

Hello. operator?

Yeah, could you get me midland, Texas,

excelsior 3-6-2-2-1,
please?

My number
is w-1-h-k-k.

Hello, Patricia.
How are you?

Say, pat, could you get me Bo bluedog

on the other radio phone

and have him call me
at w-1-h-k-k?

Connecticut, I'd say, heading south.

All right.
Thank you, pat.

Henry tyroon's office.

Yes, he is.

Just one moment.

It's somebody called Billy Joe.

Thank you.

Hi, Billy Joe.
How are you?

Yeah, yeah.

Billy Joe, I told you
I'd have the money on schedule.

I figure to swing a big piece
of change on a restaurant.

Yeah, and I also got a piece of
the action with some painters.

You heard me right.
Painters.

Well, I haven't got
the whole $1.2 million,

but I'm moving, Billy Joe.

I'll get it somehow.

You just relax and have Bo call me

when he gets back from
his coffee break, you hear?

Thank you, Billy.

I had a talk with
Thaddeus whipple this morning.

I want Bo bluedog to get
his drilling crew together.

Don't be so mysterious, Henry.
We're partners, remember?

You know that little weed patch

where the factory burned down?

Well, I made a deal with widget
for the subsoil rights.

The drilling rights?

You mean to say you think there's oil

there in Massachusetts?

Henry tyroon's office.

Just one moment.
I'll see if he's in.

Are you in?
It's for you.

Hello?

Hi, Jack.
How are you?

Jack? not Bo?

It's Jack Graham.
He heard I was at this number.

Just a sociable call.

What's that, Jack?

Well, it's kind of partly cloudy.

It's a nice day, though.
Nice day yesterday, too.

How is it down there, hot and dry?

Jack says it's hot and dry down in Texas.

That's a load off my mind.

Henry tyroon's office.

Yes, he is, but he's busy
on the other line just now.

Will you hold, or shall i
have him call you back?

Well, that's right nice of you, Jack.

Jack's flying some people to sun valley.

Wants to know if we want to go skiing.

It's for you.

Hey, Jack, I got another call.

I guess we'll have to pass this time.

Righto.
thank you, Jack.

Hello?

Hi, Bo!
How are you?

Well, it's kind of partly
cloudy, but it's a nice day.

I hear it's hot and dry down there.

Terrific weather report.
Costs only $300 an hour.

Bo, got a little project for you.

Yep. whippleton,
Massachusetts.

No, I'm not kidding.
The universal widget site.

We'll drill right through
the rock to the eosine.

Let me know when you get there, Bo.

Bo, skip the questions.
I got a reason.

You just call me
when you get to the hotel.

Righto.

Now, what makes you think
that there's any oil

within 1,000 miles of Massachusetts?

Molly, you got a little old company

that's got a little old
weedy piece of land.

It never hurts the stock in it

to set up a drilling rig
and drill for oil.

Hello?

No, this is w-1-h-k-k.

Yeah.

You better hurry
if you're gonna get downtown

before the stock market closes.

You can have a hairdo
or a ride in a convertible,

but you can't have both.

Come in!
Door's open!

Afternoon, ma'am.
Howdy, Henry.

We just got in.

Hi, Jay ray,
ray Jay, j.R.

Henry, they really got
oil in Massachusetts?

Well...

A man can't even use
a radio phone anymore.

You gonna be able to drill
through that hard rock

to the eosine, son?

What's that Massachusetts action, Henry?

Now, you boys are a wee bit early.

This is an investment situation.

I'll keep you informed.

Henry, couldn't I sell them some?

I'll take an eighth, whatever it is.

Wait a minute.
I'll take an eighth.

Take an eighth of your eighth, ray Jay.

For the eighth of the eighth,
I'll tell you what I'll do...

Give you a rig I got stacked
and throw in a helicopter.

I don't need no rig.

I'll swap you two
of my expressionist pictures.

Raise you an expressionist
and throw in another helicopter.

Well, now, sir, I'll just see your raise,

and I'll raise you two more
of my expressionist pictures.

Now, hold on, boys.

There's nothing to sell yet.

Well, Henry, if we're early,
don't you forget one thing.

We still buddies.

- You better believe it.
- Yeah.

I don't understand.

How can you buy something when
you don't even know what it is?

Well, you see, ma'am, Henry here
is a real Wheeler dealer.

And a Wheeler dealer is somebody

that loves to find places
for money to go.

It's like hitching onto a star.

You may zoom up to the skies
on a mighty pretty ride.

And if the star falls?

Well, then I find some way
for the government

to take three-quarters
of the loss.

You see, miss Thatcher,

that's the Mark of a real Wheeler dealer.

Yeah.

Investors!

That street is full of investors!

Stop it, vanson.

Look at them down there, boss.

Money, money, money...
That's all they want.

Relax, vanson.

Relax?
how can I relax?

I double-checked

the consolidated silicon stock transfer.

It's all perfectly legal, boss.
The company's in the clear.

Be patient.

Something outrageous
is bound to come along.

We haven't had a really good victim

since we smashed
zircon aviation products.

Too bad you weren't around
for the crash of '29.

It was heaven.

Yeah. yeah.

I've got lots of statistics,
like labor supply

and power consumption in the area

and things like that.

That won't do it, sweetheart.

We need romance...
Waves of the future,

ribbons of concrete across the land,

the country growing, growing, growing.

We got to build a bandwagon
for these people to jump on.

I sure hope you like garlic.

We have got to figure, who are
the big investors today?

Not the morgans
and the rockefellers anymore.

No, it's the pension funds and
union funds and mutual funds.

Right. now, you take
one of these mutual-fund fellas.

Mailman brings him $20 million
every day to invest.

He can't go speculating on no wildcats.

No, he got to play it cautious.

He has got to invest

just like all the other managers do.

Now, we've got to convince
each one of them

that the other is buying widget.

What are you laughing at?

Your socks.
I never saw those before.

What's the matter with my socks?

Well...
you look like a bunny.

I look like a bunny?

I can just see you as a little boy.

Little tiny Wheeler dealer

trading a red wagon for a bicycle.

And you look so much like a bunny,

nobody could get mad.

It's time for bunny's evening nibble.

Scallopini's burning.

I appreciate the job you boys
did publicizing my restaurant.

- It was great.
- Great!

Did he say great?

Listen to him, buster.
He calls it only great.

Only great, Mr. tyroon?

The job we did was only magnificent!

- Only stupendous!
- Only fabulous!

That's all it wa...
Get the book. Get the book.

You'll read the book.
You'll look in the book.

You'll see.

Look. every page has got a plug
for Chez-Henri.

Okay, okay.
I agree.

Now I've got something else
for you to take on.

You name it, we'll make it
a household word.

Universal widget.

It's a little stock nobody ever heard of.

Widget.

Widget.

Widget.
widget.

Widget.

- Widget.
- widget.

Widget.

Wid-get.

Widget.

I can hear it now, buster.
It starts as a whisper.

Then it rises to a murmur.

Until it becomes a triumphant shout

in the throats of all America!

What's a widget?

The company has something
to do with communications.

Don't...
don't tell us more.

We don't believe
in overresearching a product.

Boys, there are laws
about this sort of thing.

Now, I want
a first-class job.

I want it restrained, dignified,
but hard-hitting.

Say no more.

There are differences between
this campaign and the...

Hold it. Hold it, Mr. tyroon.
Buddy's thinking.

I got it! I got it!
I go...

We launch a campaign
to give America the lead

in international widgetry!

You've got to give me time,
Mr. bear.

Now, in a week, I guarantee you
action, or I'll resign.

But, miss Thatcher, this thing
keeps dragging on and on and on.

Now, look, Mr. bear.

You promised me a month,
and that month isn't up yet.

Now, is your word worth anything
or isn't it?

Well, it varies.

It...

Molly Thatcher?

Thank you.

Thank you, miss Thatcher.

Maybe I did say one month,
but that was...

Now, look.
Look at this.

Texas mutual cooperative funds.

Right, and it's a very sizable
investment in widget.

Now I've got the mutual funds interested,

and this is just the beginning.

Miss Thatcher, I owe you an apology.

Take a week, take a month...
Take all the time that you like.

From the very first day that you
set foot in this office,

I said to myself,
"that boy is going places!"

Sure, sweetheart.

You did?

Well, now, that's what I call
real wonderful.

But how did a Texas mutual-fund
outfit ever get wind of it?

Well, ray Jay and Jay ray
and j.R. Wanted participation,

but I wanted them to participate my way.

You see, the three of them are

the Texas mutual cooperative fund.

They act more like speculators
than mutual-fund operators.

No, no, sweetheart.

They're not
a mutual-funds company.

It's a cattle syndicate.

I might have known
there'd be a catch someplace.

Why are you so disappointed?

Sounds like a mutual fund, doesn't it?

See where Texas mutual

is adding universal widget
to their portfolio.

It's good to see an interest in widget.

And high time.

If we don't watch out,

the Soviet union
will outproduce us in widgets.

You won't be the first man in this town

who turned down a good thing

because a woman brought it
to his attention,

but when Texas mutual cooperative fund

moves on an issue, it's time
you took a look for yourself.

Look.

It's only about 7/8 of an inch long.

The production of widgets
is a masterpiece of tooling.

Any widget with a tolerance
of more than 1/10,000 of an inch

is rejected.

Man

to transistorized communications.

Exactly.

Ain't no oil in Massachusetts.

I won't say there is,

and I won't say there ain't.

We made Wendell's column this morning.

Listen to this.

"Did the secretary of defense

"make a secret trip
to new england yesterday

for a quickie inspection
of universal widget?"

Not bad. Not bad at all.

Yeah, but we've got to ask
more questions.

That's right. Questions are very
important, Mr. tyroon.

You ask any question,
and the public answers yes.

You mean like, "is universal
widget stepping up production"

"to meet the demands of radio star,

the new communications
satellite?"

Buster, he's giving off sparks.

Not bad. Not bad.

"Is Texas mutual funds
pulling out of rails

"to concentrate on communications issues

such as universal widget?"

He effervesces!

He bubbles!

"Are union leaders worried

as automation steps up
widget production overnight?"

Every word is mother's milk.

Gentlemen, you're great.
You have done it again.

My office cabled yesterday.

There's a hot rumor going around...

A merger between rca
and universal widget.

Where there's smoke, there's fire.

Honey, we've got it.

What? what? What?
What do we have?

Here it is.

This is the latest issue

of modern techniques and communications.

It's the technical journal
of the communications industry.

Now, listen to this.

"The manufacturers of radio star,

"the new communications satellite,

"have stated that they need
all the widgets

"they can possibly round up,

"because they consider them essential

to efficient production."

Then there really are widgets.
They really use them?

Any fool knows

that widgets went out
with flying clippers.

Well, then that paragraph
doesn't make sense.

I only read one paragraph.

The whole article is about radio star,

the new communications satellite.

Now, inside the satellite,

they can't afford to waste
one inch of space,

because it's got umpteen instruments.

Now, men have to mount these instruments

inside the satellite
in some pretty close quarters.

Ordinary men are having
an awful lot of trouble

squeezing in there
and doing all this work

in those itty-bitty places.

So they're hiring midgets to do the work.

Well, then what's this about?
A-a misprint?

I suppose so.

They said "widgets,"
and they meant "midgets."

So why don't you just get over
on that little old phone

and you read that little old paragraph

to all the people
on your little old list.

Henry, do you really think that...

Honey, I don't want you to tell a lie.

I want you to tell the truth,

and the truth is that modern
techniques and communications

printed the statement
that you are about to read.

Yeah.

45. I'll bet widget makes 60
by the first of the month.

Our girl picked a winner.

Well, not exactly.
I picked it.

But she did a pretty good job with it.

Hey, look at that.
47.

Whitby, if it hits 50,
take out the paper towels

and bring back the linen service.

Will you look at this, boss?!

"Widget to enter
miracle drug field."

Yeah.

Well, vanson, you may be on to something.

Well, the way that stock's been going up

is little too spectacular for me.

All right.

Put the surveillance squad on it
and give me a day-by-day report.

Right, boss.

I'll lay odds
somebody's kiting that stock.

You know, that deduction we got

from the appraised value
of them expressionists

is gonna run over 10 cents to the dollar.

I figured it closer to 12.

Henry's been a real good
buddy to us this year.

He even made us money
on that restaurant, too.

Yeah, that's what I've been thinking.

Old Henry's done well by us,

and we ought to do something for him.

Well, you can't give him anything.

He don't want to own a thing.

Leases everything so he can deduct it.

Must be something old Henry
wants that we can help him with.

Well, I never
heard of anything Henry wanted

he couldn't get for himself.

Except, well, maybe that
little old girl up in New York.

- Yeah!
- maybe.

Nah.

That little old girl's too stuck
on the stock market

to have any time for Henry...

Any real time.

I think I know a way
we can help old Henry out.

How?

Let's highball it to New York.

Yee!

Thank you.
Thank you.

I want you to know

that I consider the presidency
of this organization

the highest honor any girl
on wall street can receive.

And I promise to use my term of office

to open more and more doors
to women security analysts.

And in time, no one will dare
stand in the way

of women taking their rightful
place in wall street,

and between you and me, it won't be long

before I am no longer the only woman

in the inner offices
of bear, osgood, and whitby.

You want me to fire my top analyst?

A woman's place is in the home,

but most women don't know it.

You got to push 'em.

Texas is gonna make Molly
mighty happy, too,

even if she don't know it yet.

You want her to be happy, don't you?

Can't possibly let her go.
She's my number-one boy.

Well, we think your number-one
boy's ready for motherhood.

Just now, when widget
is really starting to fly?

We happen to know
you took a real whopping

in great eastern offshore oil.

I can't do it.
It's, it's morally wrong.

Suppose we was to get you
off the hook with great eastern.

You mean you'd take my whole position?

For Henry and Molly,
we'll take the whole thing.

Gentlemen, I don't know what to say.

Except you make me feel humble.

Truly humble.

Out she goes.

Henry, if you knew how much
i wanted to be president.

Well, that's very nice,

but it does make for some
difficulties, doesn't it?

And, Henry, I want you to come
to Philadelphia this weekend

to meet my parents.

They'll adore you.
I hope.

Well, can we, leave for Texas from there?

Texas?

As I remember, we got a deal.

That.

Well, Henry, I know I made that deal,

but, well, my term of office
is six months,

and I just can't leave now.

You can wait six months, can't you?

You made a promise, Molly.
You gave me your word on it.

Please, Henry, how did I ever
know I'd really be president?

A promise is a promise.

Well, I know I promised, but...

Henry, couldn't we talk it over tonight?

Well, could you drop up here, Molly?

If you'd like me to, Henry.

I could order us a little, late supper.

That would be nice.

I'm tired of restaurants,
even Chez-Henri.

As a matter of fact,

a little champagne
wouldn't hurt, would it?

A little champagne never hurt anybody.

Bye.

You were a great talent, stanislas.

And look at you now.

Don't you like the way I ride?

It's people like you

who give the north mediterranean
neorealist movement a bad name.

The brush is outmoded as a tool of art.

Modern technology demands new
means of artistic production.

Anyway, buster, it's not me
that's bothering you.

You're suffering
from acute lack of Molly.

Maybe you're right.

I've lost her,

and it couldn't happen at a worse time.

My psychiatrist won't speak
to me when she hears about this.

You couldn't help it, man.

Tell your shrink that's the way
the popsicle melts.

Brother, you didn't
make the scene at all.

I was defeated by money.

Plain, common, ordinary, filthy money.

Well, that's not true.

Putting the stock over helped.

But the real thing is excitement,

win, lose, or draw.

That guy always has a good time.

He loves the game, any old game.

I can't believe it...

Molly with a half-educated,
sun-dried prairie marshal.

You've been tuned in
to the wrong wavelength, nardo.

Meaning what?

Underneath all that cowboy jazz,

the oversize hat, and the boot bit,

he's strictly a Yale type from Boston.

Boston?
he's not from Texas?

Look, man, long ago, he figured

the best way to rub up against
money was to be a texan.

Now he's been there so long,
he's caught the accent.

But that Italian he speaks so well.

Majored in romance languages

in a little old Texas
schoolhouse by the name of Yale.

Yale? but...

But Molly doesn't know
about this deception, does she?

What if she doesn't?

Look, man, if you're gonna walk
on my canvas,

the least you can do is put
a little crimson on your soles.

Did you see widget
this morning, Mr. b...

Sit down, miss Thatcher.

Thank you.
Did you see widget this morning?

It broke through its upside
resistance level... 59.

Yes. well, everybody hits
a lucky fluke now and then.

A lucky fluke?!

Miss Thatcher, I've been wanting
to talk to you for some time,

like a father to a daughter.

I've been watching
what's been happening to you.

You've grown hard.

That tender, lovely look

you used to have in your eyes is gone.

Now they glint.

No, I have to come right out and say it.

This crass commercial world
has coarsened you.

What do you mean?

No, miss Thatcher, I wouldn't
want it on my conscience

that I took a lovely young girl

and let her work transform her

into a heartless, grasping
dealer in the marketplace.

I-i can't just bear sitting by
and watching

while I see all that is
wonderful and tender in you

run out and cast aside.

You can clean out your desk.

But you said...

I have a daughter your age, Molly.

And now that I'm firing you,
i may call you Molly, may I not?

You gave me your word.

But really,
you'll be much happier in Texas.

Texas?
did you say Texas?

That's right...
I understand you're gonna have

a ticker tape in the kitchen and...

That double-crossing
sidewinder!

I was ready to live up
to my part of the deal,

but if he thinks he can
guarantee it this way...

Now, Molly, there's no need...

Now, look, Mr. bear,
I'm not part of any deals,

and I'm staying here on wall street.

With my record in widget,

I can get another job in three minutes.

By the way...

We revoked your
security dealer's registration.

The papers should be
in Washington by now.

Hello?

Hello. Henry?

Listen, Henry, I phoned to ask you,

how long do you want us to keep
drilling holes in Massachusetts?

You know, this is gonna
run you into money.

Well, finish out the day and pack up,

and I'll see you down in Texas.

See ya.

Texas.

He even went so far as to have
Mr. bear revoke my registration.

I used to wonder how low
a man could get, and now I know.

I don't get it.

A few hours ago,
you were mooning over him.

You were ready to play the pajama game.

A few hours ago, I thought
he was a man, not a snake.

Hello? yes.

Leonard, I don't want to talk now.

All right.
Make it quick.

He what?!

Are you sure?!

That fraud!

Do you remember the first time
i told you about Henry tyroon?

I said he was a $3 bill
if I ever saw one.

Then you went through
a period of inflation.

I was right.
Him with his Texas booties.

Why, that phony was born
and bred in Boston.

He went to Yale!

Nobody's perfect.

And the act he put on.

He even moved his lips when he read!

So he led you up the garden path.

He sure did.

But now he can just cool
his heels and wait for me,

because I'll just go back to Philadelphia

where the men may be dull,

but at least they're not
backbiting frauds!

As long as he's waiting for you,

why not give him some of the same?

The same what?

A stroll up the garden path.

Wait right there.

I was saving this for a rainy day.

Give me that shorty nightie.

Well, do you have to talk right now, Bo?

I'm expecting a very important
visitor up here any minute.

I've got to talk now!

Henry!
Henry, you ready?!

All right. Go ahead, Bo.
What is it?

Henry, I don't know,
but maybe we're both crazy,

but I'm watching it come up!

It's coming up!
The purest oil I ever saw!

Oil in Massachusetts?

What are you taking, happy pills?

Henry, we won't even have to refine it!

Oil in Massachusetts.

The room looks wonderful, Henry.

You sure have good taste for a texan.

I got your very favorite dinner
coming up in a little while,

and I got that champagney wine

cooling in its own little old bucket.

That's terrific.

I sure could use some champagney wine.

Say no more.

Hey, what you got in the little poke?

This?

My night things.

Where's the other half?

That's all there is.
There isn't any more.

Better give me that coat,

or you'll be standing around
with it all night long.

Come in, gentlemen.

Right over here.

Right there.

Thank you. Thank you.
That will be all.

Everything looks just wonderful.

Henry, what's it really like in Texas?

Molly, you mean...

Yes. I mean.

Molly...

Well, what about the presidency?

No, no, no, Henry.

I've decided that a woman's
place is in the home,

so I'm going to give up wall street

for a cookbook and a husband.

And if your home is in Texas,

then that's where my home is, too.

Molly.

Shall we chow down?

Why not? Then we'll have that
out of the way.

Everything was just perfect.

It might be just the most
perfect evening of my life.

You know, sweetheart,

we can get married in midland,

and then you can redo the house
any way you want it.

Well, if it's your house,

I'm sure I'll like it just the way it is.

Darling...

Why don't you just leave me
alone in here for a few minutes,

and you go in and slip into
something more comfortable.

More comfortable?

All right, sweetheart.

You'll say when.

Of course, darling.

Henry.

When, Henry.

Molly!

You want to talk about deals,
Henry tyroon?!

You want to talk about Texas?!

Molly!
what's this all about?!

Don't play innocent with me!

Molly!

I was ready to give up
my presidency for you,

but you had to wrap it up, didn't you?!

No! Molly!
You had to get me fired!

You had to get my registration revoked!

Well, nobody gets me
by double-deal...

Don't!

Nobody gets me that way.

You like this thing so much,
you wear it yourself.

Molly, I didn't get you fired!
I didn't do any of those things!

I suppose you'd swear it on the state of Texas!
- The whole state!

Well, you can drop that little act, too,

because you're a Boston boy
with a Yale degree,

and I think you got it
in double-dealing.

I know what you're doing.

It's an act to try to weasel out
of your bargain!

Me weasel my way...

Molly! Molly!

Molly!

- Hi, Molly.
- Hi.

Martini.

In the kitchen, all made.

What's with the phone?

Henry's been calling me all day.

I have a sore arm from hanging up.

Eloise gets telephone action,
too, remember?

Hello?

Hold on.
I'll see.

It's Henry tyroon.
What shall I tell him?

Tell him to go soak his head.

Molly says you should go soak your head.

Hello?

Yes, Mr. tyroon.

He says he's drying off his head.

What was that?

Well, I'll try.

Molly?

I love you.

What?

Well, that's what he told me to tell you.

Tell him I'll get him arrested

as soon as I can think up a charge.

She says she's going to have you arrested

as soon as she can think up a charge.

Come in.

Mr. Henry tyroon?

That's me.

What's that?

- Subpoena.
- for what?

Fraud... in the matter
of universal widget.

Molly!

Defendants are charged with violations

in the investment company act,
the erie canal act,

sections 14 through 23
of the interstate commerce act,

conspiracy to lurk, entailment...

Mr. vanson, this indictment
seems to be

a little enthusiastic.

Well, they're a pretty slippery
bunch, your honor.

I had to throw the book at them.

Mr. vanson, this court intends
to whittle down...

Whittle down, you understand?
The relevant evidence.

The last security case I sat on
took five years.

I don't intend to spend five years

on this one, you understand?

Now, we'll stick to the bare bones.

The bare bones, you understand?

We'll get out of here
by lunchtime, you understand?

Lunchtime.

Now go ahead. Go ahead.
Proceed.

All I did was read to them

exactly what was written in the magazine.

Aha!

And you consider that perfectly ethical?

Well, I was desperate.

My boss wanted to fire me,
and I wanted to keep my job.

Then it was a little unethical.

Now, I can't let her take
the rap for that, your honor.

She never would have thought of it

if I hadn't told her about it.

Now, hold on, Mr. tyroon.

Your attorney will give you ample
opportunity to speak

at the proper time.

Proceed, Mr. vanson.

Now, miss Thatcher,
you took this weekend trip

to Massachusetts
with Mr. tyroon.

What were your relations with him?

We were business associates...
That and nothing else.

You were business associates...
That and nothing else.

Thank you, miss Thatcher.

I now call to the stand
Mr. Horace pillsbury.

You are Horace pillsbury,

night clerk in the
cotton mather inn, are you not?

I am, and there ain't much escapes me.

Mr. pillsbury,
have you ever seen

these two business associates before?

Yes, sir.

They checked into the cotton mather inn

on, Tuesday night, July 16th.

There ain't much escapes me.

Can you describe the nature
of the accommodations

these business associates took?
Your honor!

Your honor, that question's
improper and irrelevant.

Your honor, we submit
that this line of questioning

has absolutely nothing
to do with this case.

No, no, no, no.

It has everything to do with the charges.

Much of this case depends

upon the credibility of the witnesses.

I plan to prove to the court

that their testimony is unreliable.

If that's the purpose of the
questioning, you may proceed.

Thank you, sir!

Now, Mr. pillsbury,

will you please answer the question?

Well, that business associate

took one room with a double bed,

and that business associate
took the adjoining room.

And they shared the connecting bath.

Aha!

So much for the witness's claim

that the defendants
were business associates

and nothing else.

Next witness, please.

Mr. Thaddeus whipple.

Now, Mr. whipple,

did you lease the subsoil rights
to Mr. tyroon?

You mean that crazy
fellow over there? I sure did.

He paid good money for them,
and he can have them.

Ain't no oil in Massachusetts.

What about the oil Mr. tyroon
claims to have discovered there?

He struck oil, all right.

He struck a pipeline runs right
underneath our property.

Pipeline?

Pure diesel.

Did, he know there was a pipeline there?

Can't say he did, can't say he didn't.

Did you tell him
there was a pipeline there?

Of course not.
He didn't ask me.

Mr. whipple,
does the pipeline company know

its oil is being diverted?

They ought to.

My brother lemuel's their lawyer,

and he filed suit this morning.

He charges trespassing,
damage to property,

and a lot of other things.

Your brother's suing you?

Not me.
Suing them crazy texans.

They own the subsoil rights, not me.

Now, Mr. tyroon,

suppose you tell the court
the real reason

for your trip to Massachusetts.

Like I said, a sort of picnic.

See, I'd met this pretty girl
who for once had some brains,

and she was having a little
trouble with a stock report,

so I figured I'd combine a
little business with pleasure.

Well, it was a way of courting her.

I opened my bathroom door,
and there you are,

brushing your teeth in your underwear!

No outbursts, miss Thatcher.

I slept in the car, your honor,
and let me tell you.

It was cold out there.

Will the witnesses
please confine themselves

to the purposes of this hearing?

Then the real reason for your trip

was your interest in that young lady?

Well, you might say so.
And I'm still interested.

I suppose that's why you got me fired.

I didn't get...

Again, I must ask the witnesses that...

Please, your honor, I just have to speak.

I didn't even know she got fired.

Now, I'm willing to take half the blame.

- I'll take a quarter.
- I'll take an eighth.

Let's take 5/16ths
and split it three ways.

I'm only the judge here,
but will somebody let me in

on the significance of this testimony?

What Henry says is true, your honor.

We got miss Thatcher let go
in trade for some stock,

but we meant well.

Henry.

Henry!

Witnesses will refrain
from hugging and kissing.

Y-your honor, Mr. tyroon
shouldn't be a defendant.

I was the one who wanted to sell widget,

and I didn't much care how I did it.

Presumably not, young lady.

Trading in this stock stopped
when it reached its peak.

Everyone has sold it so far as a profit.

What about the innocent people
who are still holding it?

We whipples hold 48 %.

Always have and always will.

We hold another 48 %, your honor.

We figured as long
as Henry was interested,

- there just had to be a reason.
- Yes, sir.

You bought this stock from everybody?

That's right, your honor.

Guess our 48 % and Mr. whipple's
48 % makes us partners.

Howdy, partner.

Now, you stop that.

There's still 4 % stock outstanding.

Soon as I get it,
i don't want to hear no talk

about partnerships from you,
y-you... cowboy!

Well, now, the fact is, your honor,

I have the other 4 %.

Now, if Mr. whipple there

is interested in purchasing
my percentage,

which represents the balance of power...

Let me see now.

$1.2 million, paintings,
the restaurant...

I don't think a half a million dollars

is asking too much, is it?

Since this situation has removed
the stock from public ownership,

this court now considers that the case

is beyond the jurisdiction

of the federal securities commission.

Case dismissed.

Kiss now.

Thank you, your honor.

Afternoon, miss Thatcher.

Howdy, partner.

Take good care of my boy.

Thank you, Mr. bear.

Henry, I'll take a fourth of the action.

And I'll take three-fourths
of his fourth.

Figure me in for a fifth,

and I'll loan you my helicopter.

No dice, boys.

This is a private corporation.