The Week (2015) - full transcript

That is the show, I'd like to thank my guest Roger Griffith of Cal Tec,

fashion designer and my new BFF, Deven Crane.

And of course the always loquacious, Brian Eno.

And now, unfortunately,

This.

Yesterday, I suffered

from what some are calling, an on air meltdown.

The powers that be are convinced that I

said some things, and did some things that I shouldn't have done.

And those powers, including my wife and producer of this show, Claire,

have uh made it clear that I need to publicly apologize..



Now.

And if I do then, I get to keep my show.

Here's the thing, I could apologize all day long,

but that is not going to get my show back,

because the truth is, it hasn't been my show for quite some time.

So I'm not going to apologize. Not going to do it.

I'm going to leave.

You just watched my last show.

I know, I want to thank all of you for taking

this journey with me for all these years.

And I know, that our paths will cross again.

So for the last time, I'm Dick Romans

from somewhere in Los Angeles, this has been

And, Or None of the Above.



Ok, hiatus is over, enough is enough.

Time to get back to the.. In the swing,

time to get to the old

Dick Roman's magic, here we go.

Today is April...

Doesn't matter.

It's all the same day anyway.

Today on the show we have a very special guest.

So happy that he is here with us today.

Dick Romans, world class fuck up.

And his dog. And later in the show...

we'll have uh Dick Romans pop by to...

set himself on fire.

That should be fun.

Alright.

It's your turn to be Dick Romans, go ahead.

It's easier than it looks.

♪ One, two, three four

♪ I'm not afraid of nothing ♪

- Seriously?

♪ I'm winning

in my way ♪

Hurry up.

♪ No more waiting on

tomorrow ♪

- Come on now.

♪ This dog's gonna have his day ♪

- Let's go.

♪ And danger don't discourage

Claire?

Why is the front door locked?

What the hell, Claire?

That's better.

This is not a typical divorce, pNeil ok, it's not about

the house, car, and the dog.

Look, try and calm down. Ok...

I, I have everything. I'm reviewing it.

- My entire life is in this envelope,

ten years of creative collaboration, and a production company.

And

Fucking everything!

I need you to think happy thoughts, you have to think

positive ok, everything is going to be great.

You have to take a big deep breath Ok?p

I'm going to tell you how to do it, I'm going to tell you

how to do your job.

You go back to everybody, and you say, I talked to Dick,

and Dick said I'm not signing the papers that are in the envelope.

Under no circumstance. Ever.

Look I'll tell you what.

Go to one of them fruit and nut places go get yourself Kombucha tea.

Kombucha.

I'm going to send you some wellness cream. Use it.

I love you but that doesn't make any,

- I don't even.. That's the worst..

Dickie look, I gotta go to meet a couple of douchebags,

about some shit, okay? I got to go.

You got to go, yeah. Well...

Non canine issues that are complex

and um, yeah, so.

I just wanted to tell you that you're not...

that I love you and you're going to be fine.

That we're going to be alright together.

We're going to sort it out.

Hi. - Hi, can I help you with something?

Yeah, I'm here for Claire.

Oh..

Um..

This is a, little awkward. - Huh.

Um ..

Claire, unfortunately had

a really bad accident at the uh..

Airport.

Oh my god.

- Well, we can cry for God all we want, but it's not going to bring

Claire's face back.

What? - Claire's face was sheared off..

By an airplane propeller.

What? - Claire, was actually fooling around

acting like a little, "Oh everything's so fun on an airplane!"

On the airport tarmac."

And then, whack!

The thing just cut her head in half.

Who are you?

Who are you?

I'm the caterer.

Oh it's nice to meet you, the caterer.

Nice to meet you.

Are you stepping in for Lenny?

- Yeah, no. I'm Lenny, I'm Lenny Wright.

Wright Caterers. I'm dropping stuff off for the party.

- Ooh, there's a party huh? Am I invited, I love parties, Lenny.

I mean I don't know.

Are you not hosting a party for 20 people?

Anniversary party? What?

All week?

There's a party?

Yeah. - What's today?

Thursday.

Fuck.

Looks like you got your hands full but I got to...

Yeah look, Lenny the caterer in about 24 hours I got a bunch of people

descending on my home to celebrate a ten yea anniversary

that was never consummated because my wife

Claire, the ass face, decided to divorce me

this morning so please,

if you'll excuse I'm trying to stop an embarrassment

of legendary proportions from unfolding.

Thank you.

Alright, well what do I do about this?

It's a lot of crap.

It's a lot of work. - The booze is ours?

Yep, it goes in the bar.

Huh, alright, well you can take that inside. I'll take the booze.

- Ok. - What's this?

That's my lasagna, - Oh and what's in the...

Cheesecake. - Oh my god. Wow.

Ok, time out. Cheesecake.

Try the lasagna, and the booze.

- What do you want me to do with the rest of the stuff?

I don't know. Lenny, find some skinny kids, feed them.

Hey Dickie, how are you brother? How are things up there?

Not good, really not good right now,

man it's dire up here. Ok.

Claire left.

Wait a minute. Left, left?

- She left. Divorce. And now I got to cancel the week.

The week, what was the week?

The week, it's the anniversary week, is this week,

you were coming up here right?

Probably?

Micky, really? You know what? It doesn't matter.

There's events planned on every day.

There's a bunch of people coming up here right now.

Hold on second, I'm here for you.

What can I do for you, little brother?

I don't know, I don't want you to go

out of your way to do anything.

I don't know, still come up anyway.

Solo - Some brother time? I don't know....

Yup! Yes! Good! - Yeah?

What?! No. - Wait?

Not you. I can't Dick.

This is just not a good time.

Hey, you know what? I got a better idea,

why don't you come down and see me, get a little L.A. time.

We'll catch up, get a little hummus.

Pick up a bunch of uppers and go paint balling?

Why are you laughing at that? P That sounds awesome.

People paint ball.

I'm not in that state of mind right now.

Alright, we'll listen man you sound good,

and really glad you called, and give Claire my love.

Yeah, you too, and like I said... Did you hang up?

Son of a bitch.

Hi, Patty, John, I'm sorry I have to do this right now.

I'm calling to... I got to cancel the week.

Thomas, Jessie, it's Dick, I got to talk to you,

The week.

We're concealing the week.

I'm trying to send everybody emails, and stuff

Claire, just fucking bailed on me.

Everybody is coming in 24 hrs

I'm just trying to get everybody to stay goddamn home

Weren't you invited?

It's life, we'll figure it out one way or the other,

or we won't.

Ah, this is so shitty dude.

I can't control everything in the universe.

People think I can, but I can't.

If you hear from Claire. Tell her that

I've been thinking about her a lot.

And I hate her guts.

Could you tell her that her father died?

Just tell her that some people home invaded the house.

And that I was killed.

Bye bye.

Want a taste?

You know what?

This is kind of an opportunity.

We could do stuff that we could never do before.

You want to sleep in the bed?

Done. I can wear my hat.

I could wear my hat.

Ok, what do you think?

I know what we can do!

Let's break some of Mommy's shit.

Don't you just love this color Dick?

You should paint your office that color!

Let's buy only wine glasses since we live in the wine country!

♪ Well it's time to go! Yeah it's time to go! ♪

- It's a bunt!

♪ Kisses that last all through

the night, round and round like a satellite ♪

♪ Over stocked clown car that's ready to go ♪

♪ When it's time to go

♪ Yeah it's time to go

Give me the dress!

Don't waste all the toothpaste Dick!

You're using too much!

All you need is a pea sized amount.

Just a tiny, little pea size.

Then you can

I don't care about your rules about toothpaste!

I don't care about toothpaste rules, they don't apply to me anymore.

So this is how much toothpaste I use.

This is what I like to use.

This is the amount that is satisfying for me, right here.

This is it.

Dick, I want a divorce!

♪ Red hot love burning in my veins,

now memories are the scant remains ♪

♪ I walked a million miles just to wake up with the after glow.

Don't shoot arrows at nothing Dick!

♪ Well it's time to go, yeah it's time to go! ♪

I'm not an orthopedist Dick, but the imaging was negative

so my guess is you probably have some low grade patella

tendon damage and, or medial meniscus bruising

either way, it ain't very serious, and it ain't life threatening.

Alright, let's see now, I got a.. Goddammit.

What are you looking for?

- Oh, bear with me. Patty?

Oh what the hell! Nevermind Patty, found it!

Haha, look at that there.

Now three very important steps when you are putting this brace on.

One, always apply the brace from the ankle to the thigh like this.

Step two. Always make sure the knee setting is

set at minus two.

And three, and this is the most important step of all.

After you've completed steps one and two,

get a small tube of salve. You squeeze about a

dime sized amount

into the palm of your hand and rub that vigorously

into your vagina.

Can I go now?

- Does that mean I can back to my bird watching?

Sure. - Scram.

Minor set back.

Not a big deal, we'll get 'em tomorrow

we'll take over the world.

♪ Don't do it, don't do it again

to your self my friend, oh friend ♪

♪ You know

I get hurt in the end. ♪

♪ Come on, come on come home

you know I get so alone. Alone ♪

Does it show? ♪

♪ I need an anecdote

♪ I get so alone

Yeah! Yeah! That's sweet!

No, no, no.

No, we're all filled up on the douche bag department.

Whoo! Part - tay!

Thomas, what, hey!

- My god, what happened to your leg?

What the hell's going on buddy? I was just chopping

some wood and I, I fell down.

- In your robe?

- You really shouldn't be walking around with an axe, Dick.

If I could, just real quick.. Bud, where are your pants?

You're not supposed to be here.

Why? - Yeah, missed the party?

- No, see the thing, Tommy, the party's canceled, Claire..

Wants a divorce. - Oh god. - What?

I left you guys a message.

I sent you an email, I explained the whole thing in an email.

- No, Dick I changed the email to a different email.

I left a message on the phone. - A home phone? - Maybe

- I think so. - No Dick, nobody checks the home phone,

you gotta call my cell.

- Here's what we're going to do,
you can drop the farm implement, and we'll put some

trousers on you. And I'll make a meal.pWe'll talk about this.

No, no, no...

We're doing something here.

No, no you don't have to do it.

- You guys are so alive together, so electric.
- Oh yeah we were electric alright.

But then the wires got really old and we burnt our fucking house down.

- God, your wires aren't old, nobodies house has burned down.

That's really god damned good.

No need to bring Him into it.

You can make this recipe right here in the comfort of your home.

Using my latest endeavor. - Ahhh

Look at that handsome devil, huh, on the cover

of another book. And it's an Atheist cook book.

Yes and it is personalized to you.

That's really sweet buddy. Thank you.

Sure.

Should I burnt it now, or wait

till you guys leave. "Claire"

I'm an asshole. - I like the peace, love, and pepper part.

Tomorrow, good question, I was thinking I found these

cute purple dinner napkins, and these little Hi-C juice boxes

and like a shit load of cyanide, and what I thought I'd do is

off myself with the dog and catch a
little comet tail out to a different world

a better place, it's a heaven's gate...

I know it's kind of little bit dated but...

I don't really think suicide jokes are funny.

Well, we're going to stay here until you're back on your feet.

No. - Yes. - I am fine.

She's right. - I'm fine In fact, I have a plan

A real non suicide plan.

I'm going to go and

do all the things this week that we had planned

for the anniversary celebration

I'm going to go and do those things to show Claire

To show her what?

I'm ok.

A vision quest, you know, I'm bucia, a little code du sue.

Those crazy fucking Indians would dig a hole, all the way out

in the tribe, vision quest, in the pit, you know?

- Ok, didn't these guys have

medicine man to guide them? - Not always. - Here we are.

We could be your medicine men. - Well, I'd be your medicine woman.

- I was really focusing on the part where I was in the hole alone.

- Dick, we're going to stay here, we're going to do this with you. It's fate.

Well let's not go crazy.

- What is on the schedule for tomorrow?

- I'm sure it's some shit.

- Ok, time to wake up.

♪ And she's everything

I wanted to forget ♪

Flashing eyelashes ♪

Well there's your problem right there,

you're looking for meaning at the end

and not in the whole of it.

Ask yourself, do you really need to find a happy ending in all this?

Is that really going to help?

Ah Tommy, when did you become such an asshole?

Jesus Christ.

Claire was here. And now she's not.

Don't look for meaning where there isn't any.

♪ And it's good just to be bad

Anything but being sad ♪

Action notes ♪

I think I was fucking around.

It's just funny.

I've always loved you.

It's not like its unmanageable, hmmm? Right?

I love my husband, I love my family

Jessie, no I can't

Do not be a bitch to me!

Did we finally find a crack in your impervious philosophy of

random, fucking meaninglessness.

I have been more than tolerant of your little

sexual awakening glory hole thing.

We talked about this.

- We sure as hell never talked about Dick!

Wait, what?

- I'm not going to do this, I'm not going to let you rewrite this,

you don't get to be mad.

- Jess, can I just say, he gets to be a little mad.

Shut up Dick!

Ok, I'm understand that people are really pissed off right now,

and I get it. All I'm trying to, I just think that maybe

we can get through this, without it being such a big deal.

Oh so your grand opus of self destruction

isn't over yet?

You fucked up your own marriage so you
figured hey why not take ours down with you?

You little piece of shit.

- No Tom, all I'm saying is that

yeah, okay, my penis was inside your wife.

So hold, on I'm not finished. But now my penis is not

inside of your wife.

What I'm suggesting is..

We don't try to find meaning

when there isn't any.

Right?

Wow, Thomas.

- You know what, that's fair. That's a fair move.

Oh my god!

Oh he hit me right at the top of the head.

You know what really pisses me off.

You orchestrated this whole thing Jess.

You weren't worried about Dick.

You didn't want to take care of him. You wanted to bone him.

Oh really, well who's making up stories now, Thomas?

- You had sexual intercourse with the man on the porch.

Yes that has been very clearly established but

I didn't plan it, I didn't orchestrate Claire leaving Dick

and I certainly didn't cancel the party.

And anyway when we got the email

you were the one who said we should come up.

Wait. What?

Yes Dick, we got the email.

- Then what the hell are you doing here?

We thought you should be around friends and we knew

you wouldn't let us if we told you.

But that was his idea. Do you remember that Thomas?

Huh? We've already booked the baby sitter, why don't we just go up?

We'll drink a bunch of wine, we'll hang out with Dick we'll relax.

Fucking revisionist.

You know, I'm not going to apologize for anything. God.

I for twelve years had planned nothing but focused on this family.

I have managed my career.

Three children, your career... - Okay, time to go!

What? - I love you but you're both

fucking crazy and I need you out of my house.

- Come on Dick!

No come on Dick, time to go. - We're working through something here,

it's really important and kind of involves you.

- No, doesn't involve me at all. Really doesn't.

Ok brother, it's probably 2:30 in the morning

and we are going to have to drive all the way back to LA.

It's not safe Dick.

- Okay. You can spend the night.

But you're out of here at seven a.m. - That's a tad early.

Seven a.m.!

Good night!

♪ You told me to be safe but I know

I can't be safe ♪

♪ I can't help but to move forward

I can't see what I'm headed toward ♪

♪ Trouble in the wind

♪ I feel it now

all over me again ♪

♪ All over me again

♪ Trouble like before

♪ Don't want to hide from

Trouble anymore, No no no ♪

Trouble anymore ♪

Oh no, no no, don't even stop.

Just keep going, keep going.

Oh you crazy bastard.

Hey buddy.

I fixed it.

♪ You told me what I want

that's not what I want ♪

♪ I don't want to have to fake

this I can't fix it while you break this. ♪

Break it. Trouble in the wind ♪

Tennis.

That's better, we're getting there.

You're just shaking hands with the racket.
I want you moving. Moving the whole time.

Out.

T.O. T.O

- T.O.

It's a beautiful day. - Hmmmm

I mean have you ever had a day this good in your life.

Um yeah.

You smoke? - No, quit years ago.

- How about this guy?

Oh yeah, yeah peace pipe? - Yeah. - Sure why not.

- Why don't you get on that. - Ok - Just like it looks.

Nice and easy. - Jump right in.

Wow. I get that one.

- Yeah. Good, right?

- Yeah, it's really good, really good.

You got the look man.

You're rocking a crazy great look. I love that headband.

You love the headband? - I do.

- I'm getting you a headband. I can get you a headband.

You're a broken man.

- Yeah, I mean, it's a little bit of patella.

Meniscus. I know what you're saying.

And you came to me for a lesson.

Dick Romans.

I mean, tennis.

- Yeah. Sure.

- Tennis lesson.

Right. A tennis lesson.

There's a little more going on though. Wouldn't you say?

Yep.

Tennis is not just forehands and backhands, right?

I mean it is those things.

Because without those things you know

it's not really even tennis.

- It's not even tennis right. You have to have forehands and backhands.

You have to have spin, lob, you got to have the racket.

There are a lot of things..

- There are a lot things. That's very well said.

We are having a moment here. This is best friends stuff,

my point is, tennis lessons, life lessons.

Life you only live once.

But tennis, you get to serve twice.

Wow.

- I mean that's the business.

Am I in your head? Cause I feel like I'm in your head.

It doesn't work though if you ace everybody. - Yeah.

- I mean if you're somebody that just
constantly aces people you don't need a...

you don't need the second serve. You're winning right off the bat.

You're just a winner. So, it's a good quote.

But it's kind of little bit more of a loser quote.

♪ I'm just trying to understand

♪ Where I jump and where I land ♪

- Unbelievable.

♪ When I'm with you

Hey! It's Steve! - Lenny.

- Lenny! I thought we already solved the whole food situation.

No, we're good. I come in peace. - By the way, I gotta tell ya..

The lasagna, unbelievable. - Well I'm glad you liked it.

I really liked it.

I made you a dish, here. Sample platter.

I know you're going through a little something

and I figured you could use another good meal.

Looks like things are getting a little worse around here.

You're probably not hip to all the men's fashion for Spring.

This is basically called bracing

It's all over Japan. The kids are wearing neck braces,

like prostetic shoes and different types of hands.

- Ah well. I guess I'm in.

You're on the cutting edge of fashion.

Oh, look at this, unbelievable. Oh, solids!

Bless your heart Lenny!

- Well, good luck Dick!

Good luck to you, or whatever. PHey Lenn?

What are you doing tomorrow?

What do you mean?

I'm kind of on this bizarre

accidental vision quest,

and I got a wine tasting tomorrow,

and I thought maybe you would want to ...

I don't know. Come with me.

Oh god, that sounds great.

But I'm booked. I'm catering this big event for a guy.

- Gotcha. No worries. We got it. No big deal.

- His wife died.

- Really? You know some guys have all the luck.

It was terrible, you know

her face got chopped off by an airplane propeller.

- You're kidding me.

So it's going around? - Yeah.

- So you can, come with me? Or you can't?

Come on! - All right. I'm in.

Yeah!

It'll be fun, I promise.

♪ Let's never fall

in love ♪

♪ Our hearts can only

- Wow.

Ready to get drunk?

Hey where's your hat? - My hat? I usually don't wear it in public.

- Why it's a great hat!

Really, you think so? Me too. Claire hates it,
she calls it my douchebag hat.

- Oh I don't think it has anything to do with that.

- Oh funny, get in the bus.

Hey can you turn this up?

You like this song? Yeah, I like it a lot.

Is this your jam? That's cool.

- What? A girl can't like gangster rap?

- No, a girl can like gangster rap.

A girl like you, can't like gangster rap.

Let me blow your mind, are you ready for this?

I used to be in all girl country gangster

rap band.

Bull shit. - Honest.

- You were never were in a country all girl gangster rap band.

I was. No I don't believe you.

I don't even want to hear anymore. - Whatever.

- Just be quiet. No one needs pretty girls spitting lies all over the place.

Give me the name of the band and three tracks right now.

- We were the DLP. Three tracks?

Top That Guy, Two at Once, and Bitches Gotta Eat.

- What did the DLP stand for?

- I don't know you well enough.

- Alright nevermind. - Dick Lovin' Posse.

Really? - Yeah! We were young!

This feels good to me now.

Now I feel not so worried.

Because at first, when you got on the bus you seemed

in a bad mood but now we're going to have fun.

Let's go! Why aren't we drinking yet?

I'm going to turn this wine into a cocktail.

This is where I do my thing.
Now the party is about to start. P- You've lost your mind.

Holy crap. That's awful.

Are you okay?

I'm a huge fan. Thank you. - I mean I loved your show.

- I just, I love everything about you.

Thank you. Thank you.

What was that? - I don't know, we should go outside.

What was that? - I don't know what to tell you.

I think she thinks I'm somebody else. P- Okay I'm going to go.

Thank you!

I didn't want to raise him in Atlanta,
and my husband had family out here.

And I thought this seems like a really great place

for a kid to grow up.

- Huh. I didn't know you had a kid.

That's cool. - Stewart. Ten. He's a cool dude.

He's weird but he's cool. - Yeah.

Oh I got to sit my ass down for a second.

- You okay? - Yeah fine.

So what happened to your husband, did he split? P- Not exactly.

I mean he kind of split. He died. - Jesus Christ, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry that was graceless. - It's okay.

Not that face please.

Why does everyone always assume it's such a sad story.

It wasn't a great marriage. He wasn't a great man.

I mean don't get me wrong it's not like I hated him or anything.

He was a good father.

We should of split up way before then. And we would've of but then

he got sick and I spent two years taking care of him.

I couldn't let him do it alone.

And I put my life on hold, it was pretty bad.

It was hard on all of us.

But it's better now. It's just better.

I started this business, and I got a great kid.

I'm living and doing well.

Who knows maybe someday people will stop looking at me

like I'm some poor fragile widow. Like you are right now.

- I am. I'm sorry.

- It's okay. I get it.

Death. It gives us this need to idealize everything and everyone.

But the truth and

I'm talking the real truth here because I've been drinking all day,
and screw it.

I'm happier now than I've ever been.

Was when my husband was alive.

Does that make me a bad person?

- I think it makes you a fucking fascinating person.

Okay.

So what about you, big tv star?

What happened to you?

Indeed.

Claire was my producer and we fell in love.

And it was great. We got hitched.

Then the day before

anniversary week, she split.

She had to be pretty desperate to get out cause

she didn't bother canceling the anniversary week,

and Claire is not like that.

She's detail oriented. You worked with her.

- She's got things in order.

- It's just a fucking week.

All you got to do is hug a few friends,

have some hors d'oeuvres,

pretend you're having a good time.

Thanks Bert! - You're welcome.

That was fun. - Yeah. What is this?

Pleasure way, 2004? - Oh five.

Oh five! This is the bitching year! - It was Roger's.

Dead husband? Wow he had really good taste in recreational vehicles.

Hey hey, can I ask you something real quick? - Shoot.

- You think that maybe you'd want

to do an interview with me for my new show?

I know its a strange question. - I don't know.

It's no big deal, no pressure, you, me, a microphone.

We shoot the shit for a little while. - Why me?

- Cause I like the stories that you tell.

I'm going to have to get back to you on that.

- Alright get back to me. Sure you don't want to go

do some donuts with Bert in the Safeway parking lot?

Come on! - I got to get some sleep. - Ok.

See you later. I had fun too! - Alright!

Alright Bert, get my broken ass home.

♪ I want to fall

♪ I want to fall with you

Claire? - Dick?

- Hey. Hello?

- Hi, it's me, it's Lenny.

- Oh. Hey! - Hey!

You are an extremely aggressive caterer.

I think I made myself pretty clear that I don't need any more food.

Um no, that's not it. - Ok.

- Um I need to ask you for a favor.

- Is this? A booty call?

No. - You're calling for sexual favors and I'm not sure

I'm actually fine with it. I'm ok. Ask the favor.

- Ok, I hope this isn't too weird, but

I have this big meeting tomorrow.

With a new client. It just came up and I..

I don't, I tried every... I don't have anyone.

- Do you want me to watch your kid for you? Is that what you're asking?

Yeah. - Done.

It's... Lenny fine.

See, I can watch your kid. Absolutely, no problem.

Yeah? - Yeah.

Really? - Yeah, sure. Yeah kids love me.

- Ok cool. I mean I don't want to you know, interrupt your

unintentional vision quest or whatever.

No, you're not going to mess up anything.

Tomorrow is bunch of crap at the house anyway.

It's various sporting activities around the Roman's property.

Drop the kid off and he'll be my competition.

Ok. - Yeah?

That would be fun I think for him, I don't know.

Is that good? Is it great? Are you relieved that I'm doing that for you.

I am I really appreciate it.

I have to ask you a question.

Are you going to drink any more tonight?

Mmmm, nope.

Oh good, cool. - No.. - Alright.

I'm probably just going to hit the sack. - Ok.

Are you sure it's not too weird?

- No, it's super weird but that's what life is, right?

I mean, it's really weird. You don't know me, I could be a psycho.

I could have seventeen bodies buried underneath the house.

Stop please, this is hard enough for me as it is.

- You stop. I'm joking.
I don't have seventeen bodies buried underneath my house.

I have sixteen actually. Your son would be the seventeenth.

You didn't think that's funny at all did you? Ok.

Okay. Come on. You laughed a little bit I know you did.

Ok, bye. - Ok, bye bye. - Thanks Dick.

- You're welcome Lenny. You're welcome.

What are you doing? - What?

You say goodbye and then people hang up.

Oh yeah. - I'm hanging up now goodbye.

- Ok bye.

Today I talk life, death, and axes with financial hatchet man

Dag Tomaz and debate advanced M theory with physicist slash pop

superstar Ashoki Sen or none of the above.

Dag! Welcome to the show.

And its all about aligning yourself

with what is happening at the moment, always being in the moment.

Mmm Hmmm. Can you help me this Torsten?

Do you have a problem with it?

- I have a huge problem with it, because while you were talking

I was drifting off thinking about my laundry.

Where did you go? - To the dry cleaner.

Was that a sexual relationship? - We were intimate briefly.

- You just outed Marina Abramovich.

It was like going to Baskin Robbins and having a small sample.

It was just a small taste. - It was a taste of something.

- Do you know what I do when I got
to Baskin Robbins and I have a taste?

I say I'll have the blueberry cheesecake surprise and they give me

a little bit of it and I go ah God! That's disgusting.

You serve this shit?! And then I leave. They hate that.

Hey listen, talk to me about what the hells going on

between you and Michio?

- I mean he's the Dane Cook of astrophysicists. A sell out.

- See its stuff like that, that's gets us into trouble. What are you doing?

Good Lord! - Fight the real enemy! - And or none of the above.

We're never coming back on tv again, we're done.

So you were the guy with the prairie dog? - Pretty much.

- Cause I have my own prairie dog, I don't know if you know this.

- Oh, you do?

Yeah, live via Skype, from Las Vegas,
pornography super star Prairie Dog!

- PD! - What's up Dick!

- What's up buddy see what I got on set? - What the hell is that thing?

- That's a prairie dog,
that's a real prairie dog and you're a sex prairie dog.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

In the American

propaganda war Dick, you, you are a domestic terrorist.

- We'll be back! Irving Petty. - And we're clear! - Thank god.

Not right now. Get Claire on the phone for me please.

Claire, why are there no writers on the goddamn floor right now?

Cause is it your fucking show or is it my fucking show? Cause I'm not...

that's a whole other thing now. - Fifteen seconds - Oh goddamn it!

- What are charging for this piece of shit? Thirty seven fifty?

U. S. Dollars? Yeah, because I'm done with you.

Get the fuck off my show, get him off.

I'm your guest. You invited me. - You in fact are not my guest.

So please find an exit. I'm done. Craig? He's done.

Dick you can't light that in here.

Don't tell me what I can and cannot light in my own goddamn show.

This is my show!

- What are you doing?
- Want to see what I can light? I'll show you what I can light.

Alright light this bitch on fire.
- Now you're a book burner, congratulations.

It's burning! That's it, your book is on fire.

Don't you dare, don't you dare do it. I started the fire!

I started the fire! I started the fire!

♪ In a pale yellow

♪ yellow pit

♪ in my mind

Come on, time to wake up

we got people coming over.

This is an adventure right? So call me if you need anything.

Good morning everybody!

Hey douchebag. - Hey how's it going champ?

Oh Stewart, sorry, Stewart. - Stewart is a little...

I think you guys are going to get along just fine.

Oh yeah we're going to be great. - Yeah. You good?

I'll see you tonight. - Okay.

Thanks. You know.

Alright, have fun! - Bye mom!

What sort of stuff are you into Stewart?P- I don't know,
do you have apfrisbee?

- Do I have a frisbee?
No I don't have a frisbee but they got ultimate frisbee on tv.

We could watch that. - They don't have ultimate frisbee.

Oh yeah you don't think so?

I bet, what if I showed you? Would you believe me then?

How about boxing? - Yeah.

You like boxing? Alright let's do it.

Right, right,

Good, right, right, right.

Didn't see that coming? Always got to look... Argh!

What the hell did you do? - We were boxing.

- It's a common mistake with this kind of knee injury.

Everybody goes back to boxing a little too soon.

Fucking moron. The cat looks like a jerk.

What? - It looks mean.

Tugger? - Tugger?

Tugger looks like an asshole.

Well what do you know about cats?

- I know what they look like when they're going to scratch you.

That cat would lay down his goddamn life for me.

I don't think so.

You little shit. - Okay, no, no, no.

It's best for him to be in the waiting room.

Let's go Stewart, go. I'll be out there in a second bud.

- Somebody should have a few words with that kid.
I mean you can't just insult a man's cat.

- You're on the knee, Doc. - Are you all out of your pussy cream?

- I could probably use another tube.

- Yeah I thought maybe you could.
I'm going to need to see you in a couple days.

Really? - Yeah, really. - Oh shit.

So do you think my mom is cute or something?

Ummmm.

I have never thought about it,

whether she was cute or not.

Why do you think she's cute? - No, she's my mom.

Right. Yeah, of course.

It's a stupid question. I don't know why I asked that question.

Mom's a pretty good cook but she cuts herself a lot.

There's probably a lot of blood in that food that she gave you.

Really? - Yeah really.

Thank you for the heads up. That's disgusting.

Yeah. - Glad I have the information. - Yeah.

What is your deal Stewart? Hmm?

I never saw my doctor get so pissed off. And I got you tell you,

I like pissing him off.

You know every day is like the same.

It makes me mad.

You what the bad news is? - What?

That feeling doesn't ever go away.

You know what the good news is?

No.

In a few years, you'll be old enough you can drink.

How is that going to help? - Trust me. It helps.

Have you figured out this maze yet?

No.

This is the hardest maze I've ever done in my life.

Yeah, you know what, can I talk to you for a second?

Watch this. Watch and learn.

Hi! - Hi how are you?

- Great how are you?

- Oh we're great. We're working on this mazes over here,

and we're having some trouble getting out.

What do you mean?

- Well we wondered if you maybe had some sort answer key

or maybe a cheat sheet we could look at and figure out how to

get out of the maze.

Yeah, I don't know. - Has anyone ever solved the maze?

I don't know.

You don't know. Jump and down and say yeah we got out!

Yeah, I don't know.

Do you just keep saying I don't know?
I mean you can't hand out broken mazes to kids

cause then they wind up heart broken
and looking like this kid looks right now.

Look at him, he's wrecked. You did that. It's not right.

It's not right.

Do you want some coffee?

No, don't need a coffee.

Be great to have a maze we can get out of.

Yeah I bet. So can you clear up those crutches?

Cause they're blocking the walkway.

Asshole. - Thank you.

You talking about her right?

Up high.

♪ You only need me when you're drunk ♪

♪ You only claim me when push comes to shove ♪

Hey, hey listen hold on a second.

Tell me what you have Neil give me some good news

because I swear to God, I'm completely in the dark.

- Yeah Dickie listen, I spoke to Claire's lawyers.

She doesn't want to see you, doesn't want to talk to you,

she doesn't want arbitration, doesn't want mediation, and...

Jesus Christ

- And uh, Dickie, there's worse news.

- Oh great, as long as there's worse news, let's hear it.

Normally I wouldn't bring this up,

but I read your horoscope this morning. And this is literally,

the worst month in twelve years for you to be getting a divorce.

And I'm not talking about the horoscopes in
the back of some bullshit LA times, Dickie.

This is the guy that Ronald Regan used.

Oh fantastic - Imagine that, okay?

Exclusive club, members only invited.

This is the worst time for you to be thinking about getting a divorce.

I don't have a lot of control over that Neil.

Maybe buy her something, something meaningful.

I use Etsy, are you familiar with Etsy? This woman,

this lady makes personalized baskets, handmade they're wonderful.

Maybe you should think about getting Claire that? You know?

It'll show her that you're trying.

Um, I don't even know what to say to that.

How do I pull that off exactly when she
doesn't want to have contact with me?

Now you're telling me that I should get her a fruit basket.

Based on Ronald Reagan's horoscope.
They're not just baskets Dickie, they're

customized to the individual. - Let me ask you something. Is this the top

This is the good stuff? - I'm sorry Dickie okay?

This is hard on all of us pal. I mean you and Claire are that couple.

If you two can't make it work than what hope do me and Julie have?

I'm fucked. You know that? - Yeah I am too. I gotta go.

Goodbye.

Shhh. He's sleeping.

Wow. He's out? - Out.

They like each other. Come on.

So how'd it go?

It went really well. You know what I did? P What?

I had him bake cookies for you. - You guys baked cookies?

Yeah you got to taste one of those.

They are horrible. Right?

What? Oh my god.

That's the worst cookie.

There's a urine kind of taste to them.
I don't know how you get that in a cookie.

- Why did you make me eat that?

Your son made those. He takes after you.p- No.

- No, he doesn't. Cause you actually cook really well.
How did it go today?

- Good, yeah, it was a tasting

for a big country club wedding and I nailed it.

Course you did. - Yeah.

That it might be fun to do that thing.

You know the interview thing that you were talking about.

Oh yeah. - Yeah. - Yeah

You know, if you were serious. - Dead serious.

- Let me know. - Okay, I'll let you know right now

You mean you want to do it right now?

Yeah, let's do it right now.

Ok, he's drunk. He's been drinking all day, he's not going anywhere.

Come on, it'll be a blast. - Okay.

Yeah? - Yeah.

Today.

Is April 11th, could you state your name for the record please?

Lenny Jane Wright. - Lenny Jane Wright.

What should we talk about today? We could talk about boxing,

we could talk about cats.
We could talk about cat boxes. We could talk about..

Only children, single mothers milk of human kindness, the DLP?

Coincidence. - Let's talk about coincidence.

I was almost an Icelander.

That might be my favorite sentence I have ever heard.

When I was in the fifth grade, um..

My father was in between jobs

and he worked with computers and satellites.

And he got this job offer in Iceland.

So he hired me and my brother and an Icelandic tutor.

And we spent the entire summer

three days a week learning Icelandic with Johannes

Ah Johannes.

Anyway, so he was a college student on break touring America

and he became part of the family.

He put part of his trip on hold so that he could stay

and teach us and get us ready.

Because Georgia to Iceland that is a huge adjustment.

That's a big jump. - Yeah.

Anyway my father, he goes over there

to look for a house and to get us into school

and when he comes back

he shows us this super 8 mm film that he shot

of this street festival in Reykjavik.

And there is no sound, so Johannes is talking us through it

and he's telling us all

about about the city, and the food.

And the clothing and all of a sudden

he just starts crying.

Nobody knows what is going on.

And he just gets up and he leaves.

And we don't hear from him for like a week.

And one night my dad gets this call and Johannes went back to Iceland.

Now um, the reason was because,

the film my dad showed us.

Of the street festival,

in the crowd

Johannes saw his fiancè

making out with his best friend.

Ouch. - Yeah.

That's my first memory of anything completely true.

It was proven right there in front of all us.

It was real.

Just like your final show.

The one that never aired.

Truthfully, there wasn't much to air.

January 13, 2012.

You've done your homework.

- The day that your show died.

Was the same day that my husband died.

January 13, 2012.

It can't just be coincidence.

It's the truth.

And it's not good.

It's not beautiful. It's just true.

I feel like

life keeps showing me this over and over again.

I don't know what it means.

Maybe that's why we're here.

To figure it out.

You like it? - Sort of.

Not a hundred percent? - Yeah.

You spoil him. - He's a good kid.

- Yeah.

Thanks. - Thanks yeah.

Oh give me a hug.

Thanks. - Yeah..

Oh, okay... hey! Wow.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

You know what? I'm sorry.

- Lenny?

Ok, it's really narrow, you want to watch out going back. - I got it!

- It's all right, take it slow through that it's really narrow.

♪ Our hearts

can only betray us ♪

♪ I can't afford to care

What? - Please hold for Mr. Young.

Are you ignoring me? - No I'm sorry.

- No, no I'm sorry for even bothering to do this.

Did you get any of my texts?

Yeah I got your texts, I miss you too.

I got a lot going right on now Jaron.

Shit. I got a lot going on too. That's why I need to see you.

I need to break bread with my favorite egghead.

I'm kind of on lock down now buddy. It's complicated.

Life is complicated. Hey man,

have you read the trades lately? Do you have any idea

what's going on in this industry that you are a part of?

If not, let me explain it to you Dick.

As of a few days ago, I'm officially president of the network.

Hey Congratulations! Good for you.

Yes, yes, and now I'm on the phone with you.

Should I be flattered?

Yes, mother fucker, you should be flattered.

In fact you should be on an airplane heading to Los Angeles

to come sit down with me.

Oh boy that sounds tempting.

Good I'm sending you a ticket.

Oh no, now you can't, cause my mailbox got wiped out in a twister

An e-ticket stupid.

What do you want to see me for? That bridge is burned.

The bridge is mine now, I'm the one who says

if it's it burnt or not. Okay?

Right now I say the bridge is not burned.

What don't you understand about me being president?

So come on man, stop playing around. You owe me a one on one.

I need to see your face.

Then Skype me and we'll have a little conversation over Skype.

Hey, hey, don't nobody use Skype no more.

Why do you got to be so obstinate from Jump Street, Dick?

I'm not being obstinate.

- No, no, see this right here, this behavior right here

is why people passionately don't like you.

Okay, why people like me have to fight for dumb asses like you.

But I didn't ask you to fight for me.

- Shhh. Stop it. Okay.

Cause you wouldn't know what is good for you if it was blowing you.

I do. I know what's good for you.

This is what love feels like.

Bring your ass down to L.A.

Listen, congratulations on the promotion.

- Thank you.

And here's my advice, when they push you out of the window

which they're going to do.

Try to aim for the bodies of your predecessors,

that'll soften the blow.

- I'll keep that in mind. Now my advice to you.

When your friend who also happens to be the President

of a network tells you that this is your last chance

he's not fucking around.

I will see you Thursday at eleven a.m.

♪ Everybody wants their cigarettes

♪ everybody lies and everyone

♪ gets in front of me

♪ in front of me

- Dick. - Lenny.

I think we should probably talk about yesterday

Can I just, for a real quick...

...about yesterday and the kiss. The attempted kiss.

It was all my fault.

It was a compulsiveness and or impulsiveness on my part

and we're not even that. It was an attraction, in the moment.

I was feeling an attraction towards you

but I shouldn't have

I shouldn't have done that.

I never had to apologize

for trying to kiss somebody before so it's a little weird.

Weird? - It's not about the kiss though

I mean it is, and I'm sorry I don't want to take away from that

I have been giving this a lot of thought and what I've come up with is

I'm having legitimate feelings for you

Legitimate feelings?

Romantic, love feelings.

No. - No, no, you got to hear me out.

Please Lenny

No, Dick, this is bull shit.

- No its not bullshit.

- Oh yeah, it is, it's bull shit. I don't need to hear it.

What makes you think you have legitimate love feelings?

Everything. You.

We're in all girl gangster rap band

and so many things. You like my hat.

Your son is super cool. Stewart. And he's always saying asshole.

And I think that's funny. And I really, I like your food.

And I love the way that you tell stories and Lenny I think

that you and I are are funny and sad in the same way.

Okay.

What's your problem? Which one?

No jokes asshole. I'm trying to raise a kid here,

I'm trying to keep a business afloat.

You think you're going to knock on my door

and sweep me off my feet. Because I said I liked your hat?

Or am I just some twitchy blonde that is going

to jump into your arms because after three days

you think you have romantic love feelings.

Your wife just left you. Grow the fuck up Romans.

I don't need this particularly headache in my life right now.

You're not going to complete me.

Oh god.

It's fine.. It's fine.

♪ I'm going to hell

♪ There's nothing to do

♪ So I'm going to say my prayers ♪

♪ and drink my liquor too

♪ I feel all inept

♪ I'll be the one in white

♪ grinning like a fool

♪ and to see my wife

♪ that I held your heart

♪ I thought I knew you well

I love you

I love you too

Thank you

That's a great painting

- There's a crazy story behind that painting. P- Oh yeah?

What? - Are you going to tell me the story?

- Do you want to hear it? - Ok.

- I was in Costa Rica and I was on a bus that broke down

right outside of

so this chick, she wanders off the bus

I think to get some fresh air, stretch her legs.

She steps right into a fox trap.

You know your brother, man, I just go into hero mode.

I didn't do anything medical or that great

I just fashioned her a tourniquet from some cocoa bolo branches.

Sprinkled water on her lips, - Kept her hydrated.

I let her use my ipod

Because I think that music has a really calming soothing effect

on people. There were tracks that I were working on

they weren't mastered so I was a first a little..

She didn't seem to mind too much.

She was screaming pretty loud.
I don't even know if she heard the music.

After she got out of the hospital, she invited me to stay with her.

Which was super cool you know,
she had this rad little place on the beach

You would have really dug it. We just lived, man and hung out.

And I made music.

And she painted, we laughed, and we made love every day.

Mostly in the mouth because I couldn't stand to look at her

from the waist down because it was really tough

her leg was so disgusting.

To me, it's life

It's sort of wobbly and unpredictable

but you have to embrace it.

Before I spilt I stole that painting.

So was next for you? Didn't you have this sort of deal going down

At the network maybe, who cares,
it's probably just a run around, it doesn't matter.

No it does, you have to stay positive with this kind of thing.

Do you have to really? Staying positive can help you?

- I think it would be great, you know change of scenery for you,

come out to L.A., kind of boost your energy a little bit.

LA is great for that what would be cool

is you'd be here for the birth too

Birth? Of what?

Baby's due in early September.

What are... I'm just not sure what the fuck you're talking about man.

Lydia is pregnant.

Oh.

Who's Lydia?

Lydia is my lady.

And she's pregnant with your baby. That's what you tell me right now,

that you're going to have a baby in a couple months.

That's it. This is the first time I'm hearing about this Mick.

I thought I told you.

Dude!

Come here, really?

Yeah. Surprised you.

It's beautiful man, it's beautiful.

And crazy and funny.

And sad.

Why sad?

I don't know. I don't even know why I said it.

I really don't

cause I know what you mean.

It's weird right?

It is a little sad.

You know what have been really sweet is if I was

good enough husband to get one of those mugs

that says world's greatest husband.

I got seven Grammys.

Seven Grammys? - So what.

So what?

I tell you so what, it feels great.

It's not about the mugs,

I don't care about the mugs.

I'm lost. I'm stuck.

I'm like in a maze.

I was in Glastonbury for a little

it was a little festival, there's was I party I wound up at

over at Annie Lennox's castle, and she has this hedge maze.

It's one of these traditional old fashioned

it was real, there I was in the middle of this hedge maze

and I'm not doing too well.

I kind of stop, and I plant myself

because I don't want get any further in.

Anyway, here comes Annie Lennox

and she grabs my hand and looks me directly in the eyes

she said put your hand on the maze wall

and you leave it there.

As long as you have your hand on the wall and keep moving,

you'll find your way out.

Oh man. It was amazing.

So you made it out of the maze?

No, I don't believe I did.

I think it might be time for bed.

Look they might be using Jaron to lure me down here so they can

take turns throwing cinder blocks at me. If things get ugly

I want you to start kicking some throats.

Oh oof.

By chance do you have one of those mini scissors, the travel size?

I don't want to pull this. Lose a button.

No?

Gentleman, Mr. Young is ready for you.

Where is he? There's my..

What the hell? - I know.

- What you Robo Cop, you Steve Austin?

You got like a fake eye and shit. What happened to you?

You think that's bad you should have seen the bear I strangled.

In the mountains? - Yeah big old black bear.

- Oh you said it was a black bear. You stupid...

You're strangling gummy bears.

You got a belly and shit. Alright you guys, Harvard, Columbia, Wharton,

Columbia, Wharton,

meet Dick Romans and his man, Neil something.

It's Caroline. -

- Nice to meet you. - Really great to meet you.

- Oh, okay

Well listen man, this is what happens when you're good

when you stay in Los Angeles, you could keep your head out of your ass,

and frankly

don't set shit on fire.

Well let me be the first one to say that the chair fits you.

Yeah? - Yeah.

Thank you brother - Congratulations

I only have one question.

And that is what the fuck am I doing here?

This brings back bad memories.

I got your show. We've got your show.

We've got your shit. It's huge.

This is the show that your momma popped you out of the belly for.

You're home.

And your safe. Your boy's president.

Can I get my pitch on.

Sure.

You remember we used to talk about the
info-tainment shows of the seventies?

Real People, That's Incredible, even 60 Minutes right?

You know they interviewed people on a quest to find a real America.

On our show, our quest is to find the real Dick Romans.

Okay?

It's all about you.

Alright this is your chance to shout from the rooftop,
push the envelope, show the world

who you truly are, show them the things that you like...

What is that? - What? - The look on your face?

What is that? - I'm thinking. It's a lot to process.

Yeah well process saying yes, because that happens only one in million

this is a new beginning for you Dickie, you need this.

Yeah, how do you know it's not a dead end?

It's not a dead end. We got a lot of work to do,

I got to get you complete control.
I'm going to send a lot of emails right now,

have her start draft up the paperwork. This is really exciting stuff Dickie.

What's the matter with me?

Why I am here?

Why are you here? You're starting over.

I don't want to start over.

Is Claire in Los Angeles?

Yeah but she's not going to talk to you.

I don't need her to talk to me.

I just want her to sit down.

Could you do that for me?

I can try.

Yeah.

Let's go this way.

Okay, can I go now?

Okay, let's do it.

What's today? - Fourteenth.

Happy anniversary.

I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

I loved you with everything that I had

and I'm just starting to understand that I didn't have very much.

♪ Keeping secrets softly ♪

♪ spoken love to linger

♪ This is golden

♪ help me break this

- Dick? - Lenny.

- Hi - Hi.

- I'm sorry for disturbing you,
I just had a really quick question that I wanted to ask.

Could I say something first? - Sure.

- It's just that

you know, last time you came by

I couldn't do that right then. Okay?

My mind couldn't do that.

I just couldn't process the idea of a romantic gesture

from you

or anybody, or nobody

You know what I mean? - I do.

- The idea of being kissed

It just felt so wrong

With all the unhappiness

death and the guilt.

But I turned all that, I shut it off

all that stuff

You started fiddling with all those knobs

and it really just kind of pissed me off.

Does any of this make any sense? - Total sense.

Okay.

I've been giving it a lot of thought.

I think that we could be good friends - Yeah.

And if we're good friends then who knows what. - Who knows?

I think you're a good man.

Thank you.

I like you. - I like you too.

Was there something you wanted to say?

Oh, I just joined up with the fire patrol

and was just making sure that your
brush was cut back to the legal standard

and you're doing fine. - Thank you.

Carry on ma'am, your brush is... - Just tell me.

No, I don't think I can. Probably better if I don't.

Speak.

You ever consider selling the RV?

To me.

It's not for sale. - Okay, I was just checking.

Of course it's not for sale. Ok yeah.

I was just checking. I know it's weird. But thanks though.

We're going to be in touch in soon right?

We'll go on one of our famous wine tasting expeditions.

Dick?

Yep?

You could borrow it.

I could borrow it.

Yeah.

Alright.

Ready to go?

♪ I'm living on a chance

♪ The one embrace romance

♪ I'm standing in the sun

♪ Waiting for it to come - Ah dammit.

♪ I won't let go of love

♪ till this life

♪ I been dreaming of is mine

♪ I've dreamed it a hundred times ♪

♪ I'm sailing into the deep

♪ I'm holding onto the keys

♪ could you be around

♪ look what I found

♪ I won't let go of love

♪ till this life

♪ I been dreaming of is mine

♪ I've dreamed it a hundred times ♪

♪ I won't let go of love

♪ till this life

♪ I been dreaming of is mine

♪ I've dreamed it a hundred times ♪

♪ No I won't let go of love

♪ Till this life I've been dreaming of is mine ♪

♪ I've dreamed it a hundred times ♪

♪ I want to play with fire

♪ I want to get burned

♪ I want to make the same mistakes♪

♪ I'm too old to learn

♪ I want a lay down with you

♪ I want to make you laugh

♪ I want to sound good to you

♪ I want to make you proud

♪ because every time you move upon me ♪

♪ I can only catch my breath

♪ I don't care where I'm going ♪

♪ long as you come with

♪ I want to play with fire

♪ I want to get burned

♪ I want to make the same mistakes ♪

♪ I'm too dumb to learn

♪ I want a lay down with you

♪ I want to make you laugh

♪ I want to sound good to you

♪ I want to make you proud

♪ Because everytime you move upon me ♪

♪ I can only catch my breath

♪ And I don't care where I'm going ♪

♪ As long you come with

♪ Every time you move upon me

♪ I can only catch my breath

♪ And I don't care where I'm going ♪

♪ As long as you come with

♪ Every time you move upon me

♪ I can only catch my breath

♪ And I don't care where I'm going ♪

♪ As long as you come with

♪ As long as you come with

♪ As long as you come with