The Wedding Weekend (2006) - full transcript

I guess when I think
back on it now,

we must've looked
pretty ridiculous

with our ties
and our stupid hair.

But you can't imagine
what it felt llke.

To be up there with
your best friends,

totally absorbed
in the song,

audience cheering you on.

It was a peak experience.

This was our moment.

We were about to leave
college at the top
of our game,

and it seemed to us llke
there was nothing in the
world but possibility.



It was unforgettable.

What I don't get is why one of
those old guys in the audience

didn't run up and shake us
and say, "Do you've any
idea how fleeting this is?"

But I guess they knew
that the beauty of it

Is not knowing
that you won't
always feel this way.

It's the youthful
bliss of ignorance.

And the melancholy
of life is that,
just llke your hair,

once it's gone, you're
never gonna get it back.

Oh, my God.

I'm dying.

I'm actually dying.

I have gray hair here.

This is actual physical
proof that I am dying.

I can't help you. I need
to get to the office early.



I can't believe my body
is decaying right in
front of my eyes.

Oh, you smell that?

Yeah. That's 40
approaching like
a giant landfill.

You know what? You're crazy.
The next 20 years are
gonna be the best!

Kids, a house, some
money to spend finally.

Yeah, but that's it.
Once you have kids,
it's over.

You go from on-deck
circle to batter's box.
And then you're up.

And it's like, game
over, showers, coffin.

So you don't want
kids because that means
you're closer to death?

Yes! No. No,
I want kids.
I just-I...

Will you tell
me the truth?
Is my hair receding?

I can't tell if it's
always been this way
and I hadn't noticed...

We need to talk
about this, but I'm
gonna be late for work.

Give me a kiss.
Yes. I love you.

Don't stay
in here all day.

Don't s...
And... okay.

Oh, huh, I got
rehearsal after work.

And Greg's back
from Japan with
some big news.

Great I Say hi
to him for me.

Okay. Bye. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah,
let's do it.
Let's do it.

Oh, God, four and
a half inches. Yeah.

Goddamn, that's
gotta be receding.

What are you supposed
to say when you get
divorced? Happy hunting?

I think it's best
we not speak
at all.

This is what
I'm saying.

We're not going to talk
anymore and I just wanted,
I don't know,

I just wanted to make
a closing statement.

Fucking Kelly Trumbull was
what, your opening argument?

Look, I just...

"Have a nice life,"
I guess. I just...

Jesus. We were married.

Oh, now he remembers.

I just thought...

What? What do
you have to say?

Just take care.

You deserve better.

Brilliant. Here's my
closing statement.

Grow up, get
a life. Goodbye.

Hey, mister, do you
spare some change?

Buddy...

Have you ever heard
the phrase, " Location,
location, location?"

You don't ask people
for money outside of
divorce court!

I just lost half my
life savings in there!

And look at you.
You're wearing Nikes!

Guys beg me who wear dry-
cleaning bags for shoes!

Twenty-six different
people ask me for
money every day.

Do you think I'm gonna
give my money to you or
to the guy on the subway

who has a frigging
skateboard for a body?

You don't have a prayer!
Do you hear me?

Get a job!

Hi, folks.

Yeah.

Sounds great.
I think we have it.

Um, what if we tried
something, something
cooler, you know,

something modern,
like, uh, like a
bass line first.

And then llke a...

I got to have my...

Yeah. Somethin'...

That's it, folks.
Thank you.

Will, can I get
a cappuccino
before you go?

Sure. No problem.

Hi, this is David, Technical
Support Supervisor. How may
I help you?

I'm having trouble with
my 2130. The cup holder,

It doesn't
come out anymore.

The cup holder?

Yeah, the cup holder
that shoots out the side.
I can't get it to open.

Sir, that's not...

I'm sorry, can
you hold, please?

Dude, you gotta
hear this.

Yeah, uh, sir, what
sort of cups where
you putting in there?

Regular stuff.
Coffee cups.

Really? You never
put a Big Gulp in
there, did you, sir?

No, I never put
a Big Gulp in there.

I'll tell you what?
You send your
computer back

and we're gonna send you
the new 2500 version which
has a cup holder,

but also has a front
loading toast slot.

Really? A toast slot?
Are you puttin' me on?

Yes, I am, sir.
You are a moron.

Is Ted in?

Oh. Sorry.

Hi. I'm Geoff Spooner.
Hope I didn't freak you out.

No, not at all. Hi.

I'm Ted's...
Tracey. Tammy.

Tammy.

Hi, Ted's Tammy.

Spooner, shut up!

I should be out of this
in about 20 minutes.

I just have to go explain to
my boss how to do his job.
Hang out in my office.

Can I take
your... thing?

Oh, no, thanks.
I don't wear anything
under it. Keeps me cooler.

But thank you.

You understand it has
nothing to do with you or
your performance, right, Ted?

No, no. Understood.
This happens all the time.

I know in a few years
I'm going to be coming
to you for a job, big guy.

Ted!

Uh, what happened?

When you're singing, you
forget what's gone wrong,

what you wish
you could change,

and you think of nothing
but the moment.

But then, unfortunately,
the song has to end.

Talk about it.

Shut up and
stop singing.

No one wants to hear
your corny shit.

Okay? Yeah, yeah.
That's right.

Yeah, keep going.

Wow. Sometimes it's
nice to have a mental
patient on your side.

Kon ban wai
Shut up! All of you.

Shut up!

Wait a minute.
Who are all
these old guys?

And what have you done
with my college buddies?

F-you a lot!

Uh, Spooner,
what are you wearing?

A Franciscan
penitence's robe.

It's better than carrying
a gun. No one's gonna
mess with me.

Yeah, except my assistant
who must have a
monk fetish

because she banged him
on my desk today.

What? How long has
this been going on?

I just met her.

You met her today
and she let you nail
her on Ted's desk?

Ted, can I visit
you tomorrow?

This is depressing.
Greg, I believe you
have some news for us.

I do, Ted.
Fellas,

I'm getting married.

Shut up!

When's the baby due?

Guys, I'm serious.
I'm serious. This
is the real deal.

Who's the victim?

Uh, you might
remember her. Kate.

Nice!

Oh, my God,
I love Kate.

I thought you broke up
with her five times.

Well, six, but we don't
want it to happen again.

The wedding's
gonna be on the
27 th in the Hamptons,

and we would love it
if you guys would sing
at the service.

Why? Would you
llke to make sure
everyone cries?

Yeah. We really
suck, Greg.

Look, you guys
can get in shape.

It would be really
important to me.
You're my best friends.

Listen, we could go out a few
days early to rehearse at
my family's lodge.

This'll be great.
I love being the only
single, divorced guy

with all the happy
loving couples.

If it makes you feel
any better, I won't
bring anybody.

No, it doesn't make me
feel any better.

You got laid today just
by showing up somewhere!

I, on the other
hand, am well into
the triple digits.

What's your D. O. C.?

Days Of Celibacy
is approaching 500.

That's dry.

That's Sinai
Peninsula dry.

Even I get more than that,
and I'm unhappily married.

Are you?

We'll talk.

David, could you
call Steven for me?

I'd love him to come out
from L.A. but, you know,
it's a little awkward.

Yeah. I'll give
him a try.

Hey, here's a more important
question. How do you say
"shut up" in Japanese?

Tojikomeru.

Tojikomeru.

Shut up!

You're getting married!

(Steven speaks
in Spanish]

The grass needs
more water.

La hierba
necesita mas agua.

La hierba
necesita mas agua.

The plants are
getting dry.

Shut up!

Tell me you're not
calling to convince me to
come to A-hole's wedding.

Come on! He's grown up
a lot in the last couple
of years. People change.

No, they don't.

We're all just logical
extensions of what we were
in college. That's a fact.

Mi arbusto
necesita ajustar.

Whoa. Did a Spanish woman
just say something about
trimming her bush?

No.

Do you have a
Latina hooker
in your car?

I'm trying to learn Spanish
so I can talk to my
friggin' gardeners.

Look at the bright side. You
have gardeners. I dream of
having gardeners.

Just come for us, huh?
Don't worry about Greg.

This may be the last
time we get a chance
to sing together

before the funerals
start happening.

That's not gonna be
much of a party.

Well, that depends
who dies.

Oh!

Oh, all right, listen.

I'll... I'll probably
make it, but I gotta
check with Michelle.

Oh, my God,
you're so whipped!

Come on, please! You're
the most pussy-whipped
guy I know!

No, no, no. You can't be
pussy-whipped if you're
not getting any pussy.

That's Kierkegaard, right?

Yes, it is. Yes.

All right. You win.

I'll come to the wedding.
Send me an email. Shut it!

What's going on?
I've got a stop sign
and he's stopped.

It's a four-way stop.

So who goes?

Whoever got there first.
I think he did.

But he's not going.

Wave him on.

Come on. Oh, good!
Now he's waving.

So go.

No.

This is insane.
Who thought of this?

"I've got a great idea.
Let's let the people who
are sealed inside their cars

and can communicate
only by semaphore,

decide democratically
who should go."

This is why there are
no stop signs in
all of Manhattan.

Look at this.
I'm going!

Shit!

I can't believe it!
He hit me.

I was at the four-way
first, mister. I went
by the rules!

Calm down, okay?
I'm gonna see if
he's all right.

I'm gonna sue
the old man.

I am gonna sue
the state of New York.

I'm gonna figure out
who invented the
four-way stop

and sue them
for every penny.

Hey.

Foolish air-breathers,
welcome!

Awesome.

It's like Eden
out here.

Without the
snakes, I hope.

Shut up.

No, you shut it.

I will do that.

Trish, can you
stop doing that?

I can't help it.
I don't know what's
going on today

but my pussy
is so itchy!

I apologize, Dana.

It happens to
the best of us.

I'm totally clean down
there. Anal about it.

Could you not act like
you're eight for one second?
Nobody wants to hear this.

Could you not
act like a repressed
Republican for a change?

These are our
close friends.

If you can't talk
about your personal
issues with these people,

who are you supposed
to talk about it with?

I'm not sure
that "issues"
is the right word.

No one, honey.
You talk about these
things with no one!

Am I alone? Does
anybody talk about
these things in public?

Certainly not
in the Hamptons.

Ted, you are so uptight
you could pull a freight
train with your asshole.

Honest to God, Trish.

How do your balls feel
after a trip like that?

The balls are a
little sweaty, but they
appreciate your concern.

You've done with
my balls? Okay.

Well, guys,
the master suite.

Oh!

You guys are
gonna dig this one.

Oh, my God.

The ocean!

This one's
super cozy.

There you go.

It's great.
Really. It's great.

Enjoy it.

I should never
leave Manhattan.

Well, please,
shut up!

Fellini.

Uh, the lodge,
there it is.

There it is, and
it's all yours. Hi.

Hey, this is, uh,
Geoffrey Gibson Spooner.
This is Julep Hardy.

What kind of
name is Julep?

It's a drink, right?

Yeah. Maybe her parents
were alcoholics.

Since when does Will have
a girlfriend? I thought
he was fudge-packer.

Jesus.

You're the one
who told me that.

No, I never
said that, honey.
Never said it.

Yes, you did.
You're such a liar!

You're always trying to act
like I'm the crazy one,
but at least I'm honest.

Is he gay?

He was out for like
a day. He's like the
groundhog of homosexuals.

He cames out of the closet
one morning, sees his gay
shadow, and goes right back in.

I just hope Julep
Is not a shrew
llke Michelle.

Trish, could you stop
judging people for
one second?

Ted, give it a rest.

Everybody, this is Julep.

Julep, this is Ted.

Hi.

Hi. May I
take a bag?

This is David
and Richard.

Shut up.
I guess.

Nice. Catching on.
Hello, how are you?

And Dana and Trish.

You don't have to
do the "shut up"
thing with me.

Okay.

Or with me.

Okay.

Julep, is that
your real name?

No, I thought maybe it
was llke a nickname
or something.

Nope, it's on the driver's
license and everything. I don't
know what they were thinking.

"They"?

The orphanage
at the trailer park.

Just teasing y'all.

Beach time.
Stop working,
corporate tool.

Aren't we supposed
to rehearse?

Come on,
it's gorgeous.

But we suck. Why
don't you remember that?

Oh, my God.

There he is!
Mr. Sunshine!

You should just
wear a burka.

I'm from Manhattan.
Our tribe wears black.

Come on, let's
take a walk.

Aw!

What is it about Spooner
that makes you just wanna
rip his clothes off?

Yeah, he's pretty cute.

Pretty cute?
Oh, my.

You're telling me
that if... hi.

If Spooner came up to you
and asked you if he wanted
to have sex, you would say no?

Spooner?
I couldn't

Besides, he's
not my type.

What? Gorgeous, rich, and
hung like a Clydesdale
is not your type?

Hello? We're married.

That part of your
brain was supposed
to be erased.

Oh, really? Hm.

Well, that part
of my brain has
not been erased.

In fact, lately something
cranked up my volume.

I don't know what,
but my volume has
been cranked up lately.

God, I envy you.
You and Dana.
You seem great.

Really?

Yeah. It's a little
chilly at the moment.

It's llke if you're
not buying for the kids,

you're not allowed
in the candy store.
You know what I mean?

Yeah, I know. I never
thought I'd have less
sex than I was married.

Then I got divorced.

You're gonna meet
somebody, you know.

You're gonna have that
great rush of loose sex
with a new person.

That was fun, right?
I miss that.

Do you miss that?
You miss the worrying
about diseases

and how you stack up
to her last lover?

Who needs us?
My motto is, stick
with masturbation.

It's the greatest
invention of all time.

No guilt, no, uh,
disappointment.

Everyone goes home a winner.
It's perfect every time,
like Minute Rice.

Aw!

I hate nature.

Guys, you gotta go in.
It's so exhilarating.

Ooh, yes it is.

Dana was actually
wondering if you
had sex with her.

What?

Oh. Trish evidently lost
her edit function a
long time ago.

Oh, really?

Well, we could do that,
but I recommend the swim.
It's a little less complicated.

You are such a...

What?

You'll get me
into trouble.

I just wanted
to put it there
out for you.

Put it out
there for you.

I don't mind
if I do.

Don't mind
if I do.

Michelle!

Shut up!

Hollywood!
How you doing?

Hey, everybody, everybody.
Let me introduce you. This
is our nanny, Elsa.

Hi.

I'm a friend of, um...
I'm David.

Oh, my God!
Look at this
gorgeous baby!

This is our son Jazz.

Oh, Jazz, yeah!

You named him Jazz?

Oh, my God. I want
one of these so badly.

Dude, you're cooked.

Hi, Michelle.

Hi, Trish.

How are you?
Nice to see you.

It's nice to see you.

Spooner? A little
housewarming.

Wow! They match
the curtains!

Yeah. I emailed your
brother to find out the
color scheme for the kitchen.

I did an Internet search for
farm stands on the route
from the airport to here.

Thanks.

Hey, honey.

We also picked up
this Pinot at the
best local vineyard.

I always think it's such
a fun adventure to try
indigenous wines.

How daring.

Steven? Try this.

Oh, what is it?

Oh, it's a Hampton special.
Chai Tea martini.

It aligns your chakras
while you get wrecked.
Come on.

You loser!

Sitting inside
watching television?

Oh, you gotta
see this show.

It's about
bonobos monkeys.

They have sex with
each other constantly.

Family members,
everything. It's like...

Even grandparents
and youngsters

engage in this behavior,
especially in moments
of stress.

Sounds llke
Spooner's family.

Thank you.

Don't let me
interrupt you guys.

No, no, no, no.
We just haven't seen
each other in a while.

He just got a
little overexcited.

What in God's
name was that?

Uh, that-that's
Elsa, our nanny.

That's your nanny?

Michelle let's you have
a lingerie model around
the house all day?

She's a kid.
She's like 23.

Some of the best sex
I ever had in my life
was with 23 year-olds.

Yes, when you were 23.

Okay, let's sing!

Dinner is cooking.
We've got a solid hour.

A solid hour.
We need weeks.

Ever the optimist, Ted.

Hey, Richard,
by the way,

I'm sorry about
you and Sheila.

Oh, thank you.
For a millisecond I'd
actually forgotten about it.

Could we sing?

Yeah. Okay, let's do
The More I See You?

Um, I have short?

I gotta tell you something.
I think we owe it to you.

We never liked Sheila.

Here we go.

What?

It's true. She
wasn't right for you.

You're telling
me this now?

Could we not
get into this?

I can't believe this.
You are my closest friends

and none of you had
the integrity to tell
me what you really thought?

It was awkward.
We didn't know
what to say.

We thought we were
doing the right thing.

So you had discussions
about this?

Yeah. For the last decade
the only two topics
of conversation

have been how much we disliked
Sheila and the size of
Spooner's schlong.

Hey, this is
shocking to me!

Come on, buddy.
It's-it's over.
We love you.

Just calm down.
It's gonna be,
it's gonna be...

Come on.

Can we just sing?

Yes, come on!

I suppose the fact
that we get together

to sing 15 years after
anyone really wants
to listen,

Is some kind of feeble
attempt to prove we've
still got it.

To tap into the
feelings we had then,

that life would be easy
If we could just hit the
right notes or something.

Or maybe we're
still hoping it'll
help us get laid.

Isn't that amazing?

How can they be
such a bunch of
idiots one minute

and sound so
beautiful the next?

Blue point oysters
and Peconic clams

with a chive beurre
blanc dipping sauce!

So, Spooner, what, um,
what do you do in
the real world?

It's kinda hard
to imagine him with
a real job, huh?

I'm in astrophysics.

Worm holes, dark matter,
stuff like that.
And you?

Same here! I'm surprised
we haven't met at any
worm hole conventions.

Oh, nice!

Yeah?

So, Ted, what
is your work?

Oh, uh, the firm
does capital funding,

risk assessment,
and asset allocation

for a group
of international...

Oh, what?
Wha... what
did I miss?

I don't know what the
hell he does, either.

All I know is that it's
rock steady and the money
is there when I need it.

Ted is like an
ATM machine
with legs.

And a weiner.

Okay.

I'm into the acting
thing in New York.

Uh, I'm always up for,
you know, the guy in
the turban.

Terrorist number four.

Steven, why don't you
put Will in one of
your shows?

Oh. Uh, well,
you know.

That's cool, man.

No, I mean, I would
love to help you.
I would.

I'm doing mostly
documentary stuff. Yeah.

Wow. Finally one of you
is doing something
with his brain.

What is it?

Well, uh, I just
sold a pitch for
a reality show

about Vanna White's life.

You're kidding, right?

No. NB C just
bought it.

Her existence is this
really cool metaphor

for solving the
puzzles of life.

She's a modern-day
Sisyphus just turning
over letters

and having the problem
solved, and then starting
all over again.

It's called
"V-blank-N-N-blank."

No, it sounds good.
Sounds good.

If you're
still hungry.

This is roast
lacono chicken

with a rosemary
tarragon tapenade!

Come on, she's
so queer.

Wha... what do you
really do, Julep?

Just, you know, PR.
Nothing life-altering.

Nothing we do really is.
We're all just specks of
dust in cosmic terms.

That's comforting.

It's liberating.
Your life can't possibly
have any real value, so,

why not just
enjoy it?

Okay. Then why spend million
of dollars studying arcane
things llke quarks

if none of it
matters anyway?

Why don't you study
something that helps
with everyday life?

Like figure out a way
where we don't ever have
to take a dump ever again.

I'm so tired of
cleaning up that
tar every day.

Okay, on that note,
let's give a toast to
Michelle and all our chefs.

Cheers.

Is there anything in life
that matters more than
good food and sex?

Not even good sex?
Just sex?

Even the worst orgasm
I ever had was a
good time.

I'm having one right now.
I'm also cleaning my oven.

You're just
beyond weird.

What's wrong with you?

I have a little question
for everyone. Who here
has faked an orgasm?

Jamaica?

Ooh!

Why does that
not surprise me?

Well, I don't know.
If it goes on for an hour
or more I get a little tired.

An hour?

Excuse me.

Elsa, I'm just curious.
Did you not raise your
hand just because you, uh,

you're just too
honest to fake one?

David, I-I don't
think we know Elsa
well enough

to be grilling her
on her sexual practices.

No, it's okay.
I guess

I just never really
need to fake. I, I
always have an orgasm.

Elsa, will you help me
put the baby to bed?

Sure.

Sorry.

It's just hilarious to
me the way you suddenly
become slobbering idiots

the second a pretty
woman walks in
the room.

We were not
slobbering idiots!

And there already
was a pretty woman
in the room.

Thank you, Will.
Too bad my husband
couldn't come up with that.

There we go. Thank you.
Yes, for making me
look llke an ass.

I don't know why this
surprises you, Dana.

For millions of years
men's brains have been
genetically programmed

to go after the most
desirable candidate
of the opposite sex

and try to procreate
with them.

Elsa is one of the most
desirable candidates
ever created.

The fact that we didn't
gang-bang her on sight

showed remarkable
restraint.

Oh, my God.

Oh, no, no,
he's right.
He's right.

Genetically, we're only one
thousandth of one percent away
from those bonobos monkeys

that hump
everything in sight.

Plus she is hotter
than a thousand suns!

She's a supernova.

I don't know which one of
you is the more immature.

If you lined up in profile,
it would be llke a poster
for the Descent of Man.

I don't know, it makes
sense to me. I think
she's incredibly hot.

If I had a "whasker,"
I'd wanna nail her.

Can you feel that
that wasn't helpful?

Oh, my God.
Richard.

You are the most
amazing lover ever.

Let me call my friend
Lena to join us!

Yes. Call Lena.

Call Lena
to join us.

Steven? You gotta
come check this out.

She is beauty incarnate.

She's a goddess.
We should bow to her.

Oh, good morning!

Good morning.

Is anybody up
for a run?

Yeah, I...

Oh!

I'll be right back.
What size are
your feet?

Uh, ten.

Eleven.

Give me your
sneakers. Give 'em.

You don't even have sneakers?
When was the last time
you went running?

Um, never. But how
hard can it be?

I can walk.
I'm sure I can run.

I'll be super fast.
Let's go running!

Isn't the
air fantastic?

Fantastic.

Are you okay?
You wanna take
a break?

Yeah.

Nature.

I got a...

I got a glucose
imbalance or
something.

I'll catch you up.

Okay. I'll see you
back at the house.

Yeah.

Okay.

You guys are ready
to see where we stand?

Now, I based
this time line

on the idea that
you're gonna live
until you're 80,

which is certainly
optimistic.

I'd cut that in half
for Marlboro Man here.

I'd punch you
but I'm too weak.

Anyway, uh, if you
lay out one year,
one day and one hour

against the 80 years of your
life, you get these other
points of reference.

What's the bad news?
Where are we now?

Okay. Our average
age, 36.

Old man river
and baby-face Nelson
cancel each other out.

So, that puts us at

June 19th of the year,
11:22 A.M. in the day,

and 28 past
in the hour.

That's interesting.
I like that. 11:22.

I like the feeling of 11:22
in the morning. I got the
whole day ahead of me.

But it's almost noon. That's
the peak, and that's when the
sun starts to go down.

I n June 19th the longest
day of the year is
two days away

and then it just gets
shorter and shorter. I
wish it was still like May.

Wow. What is wrong
with you guys?

June 19th is great.
You got the whole
summer ahead of you,

you got the beauty of fall,
and then way down the road
you got winter old age.

I'm with Richard.
How many times you feel
llke the summer's just started

and then it's over?

I look at 28 past
the hour and that
just freaks me out.

You know the last ten
minutes of the hour
are gonna suck

because you're old
and decrepit.

It's llke 20
quality minutes
left in our lives.

Man.

Excuse me. I'm just
curious. What does
this do for you?

Oh, you know, it
helps me get a grip,

so it let's me know
where I stand and how
much time I have left.

Time for what?

To, uh, to make
something of myself,
of my life.

Is it helpful? Do
you do anything
about it?

Not yet.

You know, there
are pretty well
proven methods

for living a longer
life if that's what
you all are after.

Like, uh, working out.
Do you all work out?

No. No! That
takes too much time.

What?

Well, you know,
he's right.

You gotta figure you
work out three hours
a week,

times 52 weeks,
times 80 years,

that's like, that's like
171/2 months of your life
spent in the gym.

It would have to add
more than a year and
a half just to break even.

I wanna live
my life now
while I can

before the ear and
the nose hair starts
to suffocate me.

That stuff is terrible.

I've got some weird
lumps. Anybody?

They're harmless, right?

That's nothing.
Look at this.

Receding hairline,
four inches.
I measured.

That is
truly awful.

Okay, you all
have to stop.

Will you listen to
yourselves? You sound
like you're 85 years old.

Just walk away.
It's like a black
hole of neurosis.

If you get sucked in,
you'll never get out.

Receding hairline?
That's your biggest issue?

For real? Y'all ever
heard of cancer,

like, child
abuse, poverty?

Okay.

You've no idea what
"truly awful" means.

You guys still get
good wood, right?

Hey, gentlemen,
it's tee time.

Shut up!

Dead man walking!

I'm sorry. It's
a joke, baby.

What's up, Richard?
Hey, are you limping?

Yeah. I kind of pulled
every muscle in my leg this
morning. It's a long story.

What's up, Dana?

Hey, pal, what's
with you? Hi.

You come 3000 miles
and you can't even
say hello?

Look, I came for those
guys, all right? Not you.

Let's get Guinness
on the phone

and see if this breaks the
record for the world's
longest grudge.

What can I say?
I have a low tolerance
for back-stabbing assholes.

Huh. Lucky for you
I have a high tolerance

for petty, insecure,
douche bags who
can't let it go.

You think Steven
will punch him?

No, I don't think
he's still that mad.

I underestimated him.

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on!

Turn the page!

Don't be surprised
if I kick your ass
during the wedding.

Steven, what is
wrong with you?

You're not kicking
anyone's ass.

How do you think
it makes me feel that
you're still upset

over a girlfriend
he stole from you
12 years ago?

She's good.

Do you wish you
were still with her?
Is that the problem?

Maybe I should
kick your ass!

Michelle.
Michelle!

I feel so bad watching.
It's so good to watch.

Richard, I'm not sure
I understand this group
of people.

You are friends, yes?

More like a
dysfunctional family.

Your leg is hurt?

No, no.
No, no,
I'm fine.

You know, maybe
I can give you a
little massage later.

I am Swedish,
you know.

I know.

I know.

With a chance to make
a birdie and take the
lead here,

Spooner is really
taking his time.

Two hundred.

I'm surprised he's going with
the 200 and a heavier Frisbee
when this close to the pin.

He's completely baked.
He probably doesn't know
what he's doing.

Yeah!

Oh, my God!
Spooner sits atop
the leader board!

That's how you
throw a Frisbee.
Thank you, my friend.

Yes!

You know what she is?

Who? What?

That-the nanny, Elsa.

Uh, no, what
is she?

She is the
girl in the Mini.

The girl in the Mini.

The girl in the Mini!

What is the girl
in the Mini?

About five years ago,
the three of us were
walking downtown

and this girl, this,
uh, this woman,

she comes around
the corner driving
in a red Mini.

She was about 24.
She was wearing this
white sleeveless dress

so you could see her
smooth tan shoulders.

Her long sun-bleached
hair was flowing.

I... it was like, it
was late in the day.

It was, it was
that magic hour,

and she was just,
she was lit like
a movie star.

And she turned and
she smiled at us.

I could've sworn it
was in slow motion.

I n that one smile
you could tell that
she was the coolest girl.

The sexiest creature.

The kind of girl
who'd be in on
all your jokes,

who likes a good burger,
who'd take care of you
no matter what.

And who would frequently
be unable to control
her lust for you.

I don't know,
the whole thing lasted,
what, three seconds?

But we will
never forget her.

That's a problem. Knowing
something like that is out
there, it's evil.

It's the Elsas
of the world.
They're everywhere.

They're in the elevator,
on the street, in a hotel
in Miami Beach.

They just get in there.
They infect you. They're
llke heroin.

Uh, reality check.
Kate is amazing,

and you're gonna get
up there and you're
gonna say "I do."

And then you're
gonna shut up.

All right.
All right.

Damn straight.

Now, let's get wasted
and celebrate.

Kate!

So?

Are we gonna
talk about it?

I guess so, yeah.

What exactly are
you afraid of?

I don't know.

Everything, you know.

All of it.

Losing my hair,
of, uh,

not anything done,
missing out on
the good life.

And to pee six
times a night,

not being able
to get it up.

You haven't had to
worry about that, yet.

Please, not in
front of the boy.

But you're wasting
the time you have now

worrying about
the future.

I mean, someday

you're gonna be sitting
in a retirement home

eating your dinner
through a straw,

and you're gonna think
about this moment

right here,
right now,

walking on this
road with me,

spending the weekend
with your best friends.

All your limbs and
orifi fully functioning,

and you're gonna
wish to God

you could
get this back.

God, I love this song.

Oh, my God,
look at that.

That is the most
romantic thing
I've ever seen.

What is going on?

I n honor of
the horrendous way
your life has regressed,

we'd like to offer you
these words of wisdom

from the great
philosopher Denis Leary.

This is so humiliating.

I-I didn't think
I could feel worse
about myself,

but now I see
there's room
to go lower!

So.

What is this D.O.C.?

Uh, Days Of Celibacy.

He hasn't got laid
for two years.

No sex in two years?
Oh, my God.

Can you help
a brother out, Elsa?

A toast. To Richard's
lonely member,

and to all the lonely
members out there
in the desert.

May they find
safe harbor soon.

Did we just
toast to penises?

It's kind of weird
group, isn't it?

Okay. Listen, guys.
We have to get him laid.

What?

The poor guy's unit
Is gonna turn to dust.

The question is,
do we go for a
local girl?

Which could take
a lot of effort and not
have a guaranteed pay-off.

Or should we just
hire a pro?

No, we gotta go pro.

I mean, if this guy gets
rejected in his delicate
state, he's gonna implode.

Do we even know if
there are hookers
in the Hamptons?

Oh, yeah. Their vaginas
have Kate Spade labels.

That's on the edge.

Okay, no one wins
with comments llke that.

Of course they have hookers.
Everywhere you have human
beings, you have hookers.

I'm gonna ask around.

Make sure he's ready
before you decide
to have kids.

Steven is so involved in
his work he never has any
time to spend with the baby.

Hey, hey, hey,
I heard that.

I spend plenty quality
time with the nipper.

It is not exactly quality
time to park the stroller
next to you

while you hit a
bucket of golf balls.

Well.

What is Spooner doing?
Trying to incite
a hate crime?

Something llke that.

I love this song!

Ted, let's dance!

Trish, I'm not dancing.
Nobody is dancing. It's
not that kind of place.

Who gives a shit?
Come on, let's
have some fun!

Come on I
I'll dance.

You will?

See you later loser.

Take a shot.

So honest, I do.

That's what you needed.
Another drink. Perfect.

Oh, my God!

Do you like it?

What are you doing?
It's not funny.

Great, terrific.

Trish, you're acting
like a frickin' whore!
You out of your mind?

Let's go now.

Let go off me!

What the hell are
you thinking, huh?

What is going through
your head? Are you
trying to humiliate me?

No, Ted, I think you
do that pretty well
by yourself.

That's terrific.

I'm just trying
to have fun in there.
Ever heard of fun? Fun?

What is your
idea of fun?

Grinding some stranger
with a trucker hat?
Is that fun?

At least I got
a rise out of somebody.

Fuck you!

I hate you!

What happened?

I'll tell you
about it later.

Get in the car.

This son of a...
I got a hit.

Walt a second. Where
are those guys going?

Who cares? I could use
a break from those idiots.

What are we doing here?
Are we getting shrooms?

No, but that's
a genius idea.

I can't take hallucinogens
anymore. I'm a dad.

That's one more reason
not to have kids.

We are all set.

Set for what?

You'll thank us later.

Oh!

They set us up.

I didn't have anything
to do with this.

I didn't even want
a hooker. I'm a lawyer!

Dana's gonna kill me.

Michelle's gonna serve
my nuts on a platter.

Bet they'll be
beautifully presented.

What is it with
you and Michelle?

It's not just me.

What?

Richard?

If we're gonna be
honest, Steven.

What? You're gonna
tell me that this
is like Sheila?

What?

None of you llke Michelle?
That's ridiculous. Why
didn't you say anything?

I'll say something.

Will you girls
please shut up
and stop whining?

I'm trying to read.

Thank you.

Keep your back
to the wall, dude.

This is not a good place
to be wearing a sarong.

What a hell of a voice
you got there, man.

We're singers.
You sing?

Yeah, somethin'.

Uh, you guys know
any Barry Manilow?

Surprisingly no.

Oh. Okay, uh,

how about, uh, Working
in a Coal Mine?

Yeah. That's my
boy Spooner's song.

Lead us.

Follow me.

Yeah, it's cold in there.

Freedom!

Hey. Sorry, baby.

Where's Richard?

Uh, they had to...

They had to keep him
overnight. Uh, there
was a warrant out.

A warrant? For what?

There was a little
incident at a four-way.

The guy said he was fine
so he left, but we got
the plate number.

You left the scene
of an accident?

It was a
busted headlight.

Oh, come on.

Shut up.

What, what is it?
What's so funny?

We tried to get
Richard laid and he
wound up in jail!

Let's hope he doesn't
get laid in there!

I swear to God, you guys
are a bunch of morons.

Come on.
Get in the car.

So, how was prison? Did
anybody get anally raped?

Sadly no.

Oh! What's
that sound?

It's the sound of Ted
not chastising Trish
for an off-color remark!

Where is he?

I don't know. Who cares?
I hope he went back
to New York.

I really can't stand
to see him right now.

Here, I'll get you
some ice for that.

Well, guys, it's
a full moon.

House rule is, every
full moon in summer
we skinny dip.

Oh!

We have a wedding
in eight hours?
Ten hours?

I think that we
should go to bed.

Yeah, and the water's
gonna be freezing!

I n Sweden, we swim
when there is
snow outside.

See?

All right,
be my guest.

I'll stay with the baby.

Okay. I'll try it.

Awesome!

Let's do it.

I'm in.

Let's to this.
Come one.

Spooner is
going to be naked!

Let's go!
Come on!

Go, go go!

Hey, wait for me!

We're not letting that
skinny Scandinavian bitch
have all the fun. Let's go!

Spooner, come over here!
I'm freezing!

Are you freezing?

I'm freezing.

Let's go inside
and get warmed up.

Okay.

So, why did the Police
try to jail you in
the first place?

Well, uh, we were
trying to help
Richard out

with his,
uh, problem.

The D.O.C.?

Yeah. So we tried
to hire somebody
but that's...

Illegal. But it's
definitely worth
risking your career

to get your
friend laid, right?

What career?

Exactly.

You know that I've
always wanted to have
sex with you, right?

I love your subtlety.

I mean, who cares? I don't
think we should go through
life lying and playing games.

You know, I gotta
tell you, I admire
that about you.

You always know
where you stand.

So what do you say?

You're the one
who said we're
just specks of dust.

What does it
matter what we do?

It's gonna matter.

I'm sorry.

I didn't mean
to bring it up.

No, it's fine. it's
about something else.

Hey, you're out!

What did you do,
you bust out of the
Hamptons Penitentiary?

Nah, they let me out
to make room for some
dangerous publicists.

Yeah, I think
Richard is so funny.

I like that.

I could help him out
with that D. O. C.
if he wants.

Really? You would
actually do that?

Yeah. Sure.
It's no big deal.

I'm from Europe.
We enjoy sex.

I gotta travel more.

You're funny, too.
And sweet.

Elsa, I'm just curious.

If I wasn't married,

would you ever
consider going
with someone like me?

Look, I'll tell you
something very important.

You are very old
and very ugly.

Now go have
sex with your wife.

What the fuck
are you guys...

Oh, Spooner,
you're so good!

I bet that bastard
is banging Trish.

Or Elsa.

Or both.

Somebody's getting it
good tonight! Who is
that? I'm jealous.

We thought it was you.

Oh, please.
Ted's last
good erection

was the night
Al Gore lost.

Who said anything
about Ted?

Oh, of course. Why
only the hotties
get to have sex?

Did somebody call me?

It's Steven and
Michelle role playing!

Wow. I swear I am
more impressed with
that girl every day.

Yes, Spooner.
Oh, yes. Yes!

Glad I could
be of help.

Night, everyone.

Ted!

Call 911.

What the hell
where you thinking?
You could've killed me.

I know, I know.
I'm sorry.

Fuck! I even
screwed this up.

What the hell happened?

Ted was trying
to kill himself and
he shot me instead.

None of this would've
happened if you'd gotten
your Rifle Merit Badge.

Shut the fuck up!
It's not funny, Richard!

Richard, shut the fuck up.
Take Will inside. Put
pressure on the wound.

Ted, put the
fucking gun down.

It's okay.

Why, Ted?

Why are you gonna
kill yourself?

I don't wanna...

I was fired!
All right?

What?

I lost my job.
I was fired.

They fired me Wednesday.

I thought you were
working this whole time.

No. I was trying
to get another job.

I was hoping I could
just tell everyone I
was going on to a new job.

That's what happened.
No one's going to hire me.

You spent two whole days
emailing people from
out of town,

and now you know that
no one's gonna hire you.
That's fucking ridiculous.

Ted, it's a
freaking job.

You said you hated your job.
It's probably the best thing
It ever happened to you.

You still have Trish.

Jesus Christ, Trish.

Have you ever known two
people more ill-suited
than me and Trish?

No. But I thought
that was your thing.

Yin and yang.
Butch and Sundance.

Peaches and Herb.

Trish was pregnant
when we got married.

And then she
lost the baby.
I never told you that.

I'm sorry.

But I do love her, man.

And I don't even care
that she's probably
been with other guys.

You know, I just don't
want to be alone.

And she's definitely
gonna leave me now that
I don't have a job. I know it.

I know it, because that's
the only thing I'm good for.
I'm good for working.

Jesus Christ, Ted.
You'll get another job.

And Trish isn't
going anywhere.

You could've talked
to somebody before
It came to this.

You need therapy.

And I'm not talking
like even twice a week.

I think you might
need sleep-away therapy.

I think you might
need Camp Jung.

Perspective is everything.

You have this
barrel of friends
who fucking adore you.

And all your
limbs and orifi are
fully functioning.

There's other things
you don't know.

Oh, my God.
You scared the
crap out of me.

I'm sorry, man.

Is this my vacation?

It's not a picnic
in here, either.

Ah!

Go with Will
to the hospital.

You'll feel better.

Trish?

My God. Even his
suicide note is boring.

Spooner?

What? What happened?
What time is it?

It's 6:30.

Where's the paper?

I have to have the
Sunday New York Times.
It's my religion.

You don't get
it delivered?

They don't
deliver here.

Oh, no, no, no.
This is probably one of
those Godforsaken places

where you have
to get up at dawn
and fight for a copy

'cause they only
get rationed a few,
and every weekender

is desperate to have
the New York Times
to read on the beach.

Why did I
leave Manhattan?

Shit! They're probably
sold out already!

The store doesn't open
till 8:00. Get out!

Go. Out!

Good morning, everybody.

Good morning.

Oh, my God, I feel great.
I should drink tequila
more often.

I slept llke a dead person
last night. Would anybody
llke more coffee?

I'll have some.
Thanks.

What happened to you?

I, uh, uh, lifted too
many beers, I guess.

God, we are
getting old, huh?

Oh, he came back, huh?

How long have
they been out there?

About half an hour.

Really?

Trish, can I talk
to you for a second?

Sure.

Is he okay?

Oh, he's gonna be fine.

So, who's up
for a wedding?

Should we go
out there?

Uh, Greg
Is not here.

Oh, come on,
he's not gonna
ball, is he?

I came all the
way from L.A.

Yeah, it would be awful
for you if this fell
through, wouldn't it?

Did you speak
to his brother?

Yeah. Uh, he said
Greg left the house
about two hours ago.

Oh, boy.

It's so beautiful.

It really is. But I'm
starting to fry. I wonder
why it hasn't started yet.

They should have used
gardenias instead
of those lilies.

It would've
smelled better.

I thought you'd be a little
looser after getting the
high hard one last night.

Trish!

Sorry, were we
too loud?

"Oh, Spooner!
I'm coming!

I'm coming!"

Don't try to
do this now.

All right.
Great, thanks.

Well, that was
his brother.

Greg just arrived
and he ran upstairs
to see Kate.

Oh, God.

You think he'd
really call it off?

I don't know.

This is our
fault, you know.

How is this
our fault?

Look at us. We're the
worst advertisement
for marriage imaginable.

We let him think
that it leads to
a life of arguments,

cheating, divorce,
suicide, no sex.

I would've bailed,
too, if I were him.

That's ridiculous.
We still love our wives!

Maybe one of you
should've told him that.

What are you doing?

You can't see the
bride before the wedding!

Oh, okay.

Listen to me.
It's okay that you're
freaking out right now.

You're about to jump off
a thousand-foot cliff. You've
no idea what's at the bottom.

That's not helpful.

Guys, listen, I'm...

Greg, Greg.
There's something
I didn't tell you.

I assumed you knew,
but I feel I should
have said something.

I love my wife.

And I love mine.

Of course they drive us
crazy. We don't get
enough sex.

Okay, I don't get
enough sex.

They have their quirks,
their idiosyncrasies, their
weaknesses, but so do we.

We're lucky
to have them.

Yeah. It's not like you're
a perfect catch either.
We've been your roommates.

That's not pretty.
You get the back hair
and the snoring.

Yeah, you blow your nose
in the shower, you wear
black underwear.

You drive a '92 Jetta
and you still listen
to Ace of Base.

Kate is completely
out of your league,
you're a douche!

You're a dirt bag.

That's really-that's
touching stuff, guys.

You should save
some of that for
the toast. Really.

Kate is the girl
of your dreams.

Kate is your girl
in the Mini.

Guys, I know.

I went to get her this
watch. It belonged
to my grandmother,

and Kate needed
something old before
we could start the wedding.

That's all.

So you weren't
freaking out?

No, no.
I wasn't.

But it was really sweet
of you guys to come
running up the stairs

ans grab me and
throw me in the room.
It was really dramatic.

Now, would you,
would you shut up
and sing?

Sweetie?
I'm not looking.

I love you.

I love you, too.
I'll see you out there.

Everybody.
Everybody?

May I have your
attention, please?

Thank you.

It only makes sense
that I should give
the toast

since I am
the most recently
divorced person here.

I don't-I don't
understand.

Would you invite
a Nazi to speak
at your Bar Mitzvah?

I don't get it.

What am I doing here?

And then,

I figured, maybe
this, maybe this
is the right thing.

Maybe, maybe I can
be some kind of,

some kind of
Scared Straight
program for newlyweds.

Thirty-seven.
Divorced.
Childless.

Don't let this
happen to you.

But then,

the truth is, is that,
is that marriage
takes work.

Marriage,

marriage is
like an orchid.

It's delicate
and it's beautiful,

and you gotta weed it.

And even spread
a little manure on
it from time to time.

And if you forget
to water it for,
I don't know,

say six and a half years,
it-it tends to die.

But if you water
it every day

and give it your love
and your attention,

it's gonna flourish.

And it's gonna fill
your life with beauty.

And soon you'll have
little orchids running
around your garden.

So, to Greg
and to Kate.

May you be each
other's mulch,

and may your
garden always grow.

Salute!

Thank you, uh, Richard.

We'd llke to end,
uh, with a song

that reminds us
how precious and
rare love is.

Whether be between
a husband and wife,

uh, family, or
just old friends.

And then it
happened again.

I looked around
at those faces,

the faces of
the most important
people in my life,

and I realized,
this was one of
those peak experiences.

I can still have them,
and I don't have to
be 20 years old.

Suddenly, the fact that
it's 28 past the hour,
11:22 in the day

and the 19th of June
in the year of my life
seemed perfectly acceptable.

Even joyous.

For the first
time in a long
time I felt lucky.

Just plain lucky.

Hey, Richard.

I found these
amazing old tapes
for the ride home.

The Nuremberg Trials
volume six?

Hey, does anybody else
has room in their car
for Spooner?

So, you know
we're gonna
call you a lot.

I'll be fine.
That was ridiculous.

And you know what?
I'm sorry I shot you.

Right.

Where's your stuff?

Trish and I are
gonna hang here
for a few more days.

We need some
time together.
It was Spooner's idea.

It'll be therapeutic.

That's Camp Jung.

Do you mind if I ask you?
I don't want to sound
weird or anything.

What?

Is Will, um,

Is he...

What?

Is he the one?

No. Is he gay?

Gay?

Yeah.

No! No,
he's, uh, he's...

Unless he is
the greatest actor
that ever lived, no.

He is definitely
not gay.

Really?

Really.

Huh, that is interesting.

Oh, little baby,
I wish I could take
you home with me.

Hey. Hey!

David! Do you
wanna hold him?

Uh, yeah,
sure, I guess.

How're you doing?
You're cute.

You're a cut baby.

I'm so sorry.

I should've told you.
He just had a bottle.

That's okay.

I should've told you.

It's all right.

Are you sure
it's okay?

Yes, of course.
You should go.
See New York.

We'll be fine.

Hand him over!

Let's go home.

Elsa's going home
with Spooner?

No, she's...
She's gonna go
home with me.

Really?

Really.

She's never seen New York and
I'm gonna show her around
for a couple of days.

Really?

Yeah.

I guess they don't
have ugly guys
in Sweden.

I'm... I'm exotic
to her or something.

God speed,
you lucky bastard.

That's puke.

Okay. Get outta here.

It was nice
to meet you.

It was nice
to meet you.

Goodbye.

Dana!

Stop breathing
and see something.
All of you.

Drive safely!

What are you doing?

Come to bed.

I'm making
some plans.

Plans?

Since when do
you plan anything?

Design plans.

I figure, uh, your
brother could come in

and put up a wall
and, uh, a door,

and maybe make
that dining L into
a second bedroom.

What are you
talking about?

I'm talking about, uh,

moving from on-deck
circle to batter's box.

So I can, uh, get
puked a lot more often.

Do you wanna dance?

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