The Wedding Planner (2001) - full transcript

You may now kiss the bride.

From now on, he'll care of you
and you'll take care of him.

He'll make you big bologna
sandwiches and you'll buy him socks

and a white briefcase and you'll live
happily ever after.

You're the luckiest girl in the world,
Barbie. The luckiest girl.

You're the luckiest girl in the world.
When I did Whitney Houston's wedding,

she was even more nervous than you. And
you look 10 times better than she did!

No, I don't. This isn't going to work.
I'm fat!

I’m going to marry the wrong guy!
-Look at me.

You are exquisite! You're timeless.

You're the future sister-in-Janice
whom I overheard say the last gown



fitting: Look at those thighs!
I'd kill for,

Tracy's thighs!

But you have more than great thighs.

You have the love of a man named Tom.
A man who walked into

rehearsal dinner the other day, said,

I can't believe I’m marrying

the most beautiful woman.

That tells me this marriage
is not only going to work

it's gonna last forever.

Thank you.

Excuse me...
-What are you doing?

Thank you.

Keep to areas, A, B and E. Don't want
any interference with the video team.

I know who you're looking for.
They're downstairs.



Father, where are you going?
-Nature calls.

You'll have to call back later.
We're about to start. Let's go.

Penny, stop flirting.
We're going in one...

Penny, go to M-12.
We got a Dark Tower choking the A.V.

Ma'am, you are in the preferred
seating list, if you just follow me.

You can't enjoy the wedding from
Back here. Dark Tower demolished.

Places everyone.
Todd, cut the fill lights.

Maestro, on 3...
-We can't find the

father of the bride.
-I got it. Penny, send over the F.O.B.

I did 15 minutes ago.

Cover me up north. F.O.B. is M.I.A.

Oh no.
Count to a 100 and then start again.

Father,
you're going to have to hold it.

Guys, we're on. Put your jackets on.

I have a 20 on the F.O.B.

My little girl
is getting married today.

I remember her graduation
from nursery school.

When she was a little girl...
I remember her

like it was yesterday.
Who are you?

I’m the wedding planner.

Look! There's the wedding planner.

She must lead such a romantic life.

Earwax...

X on a triple word, 72 points!

I challenge you. Earwax is 2 words.
-It's one!

You're bluffing.
-Munch, 16 points!

16?
-I know I’m a big pain in the neck.

I just want you to be happy.
I’m going to say something that

you may be resistant to but sometimes,
a father has to take action.

What are you talking about?
-I found you a man

that has agreed to marry you.
-lf her mother was alive...

lf she heard that,
she'd wish she was dead.

Shaft. 22 points.

You know him. Remember Massimo?

No! Who?
-Massimo Lenzetti, the boy you played

with the summer we spent in Italy.
-The kid who ate mud?

That's the one! I bumped into him.
New Arrivals Night

at the Sicilian Association.
-The most wonderful day of my life!

A man of my very own!

You must bring me to him at once!
-No need!

He's here?

He's here? He's...
-Massimo!

He didn't...
-Oh my God.

Oh my God!

Maria!

You remember Massimo?
-That mud did him good!

The last time I see you, you were
scrawny and ugly and your head

was too big for your body.
-How nice. Thank you.

You're welcome.

I look forward to our life together.
I want 3 sons and

a garden of tomatoes.
-Ok then...

Maria, wait!

Good morning.

The paper. And that Yahoo too.
-4.50.

Keep it.

You look excited.
-I am!

Mary, I need...
-Can you take it.

Francine Donolly. The family started
selling gourmet sausages out of their

small working-class kitchen.

Now, 5 years later they're one of the
biggest Internet food company.

Pierre, I love you but if you use
another carnation in my bouquet,

I will deport you. Thank you so much.

They put her wedding announcement
in the society pages. Why?

Because they want their new money...
-Sheila, book the Gazebo Package

for the Beletti's. Take this ugly
flower. Call David, we need a

rush order on the chupah rental.

Geri!
-What is this?

Sunless tanning cream.
Wedding's tomorrow. You do the math.

Stop crying. A quarter cup of lemon
juice, salt and a loofah sponge.

Really?
-Scrub, scrub, scrub!

They see this as their ticket into the
club. They want to make it a event.

The party everybody talks about.
-Thank you, sweetie.

I already made contact. They're at the
Copeland wedding to see my work.

I’m going to nail this account. We'll
be in every major bridal magazine.

It'll be our biggest event ever!
When I pull it off,

you're going to make me a partner.
-Partner?

Yes.
-A partner!

You're fantastic! Incredible, really.
Very good work

but let me tell you something:
I built this business on my back.

I sweat, I toiled. I did things

that a innocent little wedding planner
should never hear. I won't even say it.

I made the big plans.
I made the sacrifices.

You also never made any money.
-Wow!

Until I came along.
I've been here for 5 years, Geri.

I bring in more revenue than all
Your other wedding planners combined!

You know you need me.
I know that you know

that you need me.
-I don't know that.

Maybe I should start my own company.
-You wouldn't dare.

lf I nailed the Donolly account and
you made me a partner you'd save me

the trouble of designing my own
letterhead. What font would I use...

You'll be partner!
-First the order.

Mary, you're totally going to get it!
-The Greenburg lasted 14 months.

How do you do that? I was 4 years off!
-Their song was "I honestly love you"

from Olivia Newton-John. 14 months!
-Speaking of honest, Jed asked

about you again.
-Don't trust a man who gets pedicures.

You haven't been on a date in 2 years.
lf you're not interested in Jed,

there's a tall Italian waiting to marry.
-Did you talk to him?

Just for a few minutes. He's so adorable!
-He isn't.

How can you say that?
-When we we're kids, he followed me,

asking if I had a vagina!
-I think that's adorable.

I gotta get out of here.
-Great.

Quick, grab this side.
-You shouldn't hold that against him.

You should give him a chance.
-He was a little boy!

Maybe he wanted to be a doctor.
Besides, you do have a vagina.

May you have enough happiness
to keep you sweet,

enough trials to keep you strong,

enough hope to keep you happy.
-Enough friends

to give you comfort.
Enough determination

to make each day a better day.
-To make each day a better day

than yesterday.
-Raise your glass.

Congratulations. I love you both.

What? You think Kissinger came up
with his own stuff?

You just fed the Best Man his speech.

Smooth. Real smooth.
-You must be Francine.

Your article at Yahoo, very impressive.
-I hate that picture.

It made me look
like a psychotic poodle.

My fiancé has to see this.
He will just die.

He should be here by now.
-Most grooms are N.I.D.'s.

Not into Details.
-That's Eddie.

Come, I want you to meet my parents.

Thanks. It rocked!

Mary, meet my parents, Kitty and Jack.
-So nice to meet you.

Dad, are you eating the food?
-The champagne is delightful.

Cristal? D.P.?
-It is Taittinger.

Mother, we're guests. You're not
supposed to be drinking the champagne.

Give her whatever she wants.
-I'll be faxing you a of list songs

I’ll be performing at the reception.
-No mini-egg rolls. We got V.I.P. coming

and an impression to make.
-We haven't hired her yet.

Mother, as previously discussed,
you won't be singing at the wedding.

The belly dancer is here and she has
a tattoo of an extremely big...

I want you to meet the Donollys.
This is one of my associates, Penny.

Pleasure.
-You know what I need you to do?

To go to prepare the Murdock file.
-Murdock, as in...

Discretion.

The Murdock files! Right.

Now, wedding woman, let's get down
to brass tacks.

What do you see for a wedding?
-Well,

now having met you

off the top of my head:

I say:

Night.

Dubounce Botanical Gardens.
White silk tents close enough

to see the stars.

Candlelight. Wedgewood.

Exotic Waringin trees imported
from Bali. I’m thinking:

Gatsby. Not a period wedding

but the spirit of it.

I nailed it, Geri. But they want it in
3 months. They're going for June.

I know, the clock is ticking.
Put Penny on.

Guess what, Penny...

Hold on, Penny!

My shoe!

Not my good shoe!

Oh my goodness.

My new Gucci shoe!

Are you ok?

I’m great.

Where's my shoe?
-Your shoe? You got it right here.

Talk to me. How are you feeling?
Are you experiencing any dizziness,

nausea, difficulty breathing?

The breathing thing rings a bell.

Then again, you are on top of me,
cutting off my air supply.

Your mental clarity is excellent.
That's good.

You don't appear to have a concussion.
You took quite a fall.

Why are you still on top of me?

That's a good question.
You see that dumpster there?

It seems it tried to kill you.
You were standing in the middle

of the road and it was coming right
at you. Now, just take your time, ok?

You saved my shoe.

I meant, my life.

The shoe was what I was going for.
You just turned out to be a bonus.

Now, we're gonna try and get up.
Take your time. Up,

you're ok. I got you,

you're ok?

You smell like sweet red plums

and grilled cheese sandwiches.

I get that all the time, thank you.
Hold up!

You're alright.

She's dead alright.
-Do you think she's going to heaven?

Definitely! She's got the cleanest
toes I’ve ever seen!

Where am l?
-You're in the children's ward of

St. Vincent's hospital.
I’m your doctor. Try not to talk.

I’m paralyzed! I’m paralyzed!

You're moving your arms and legs.
You're clearly not paralyzed.

Thank you. Here's my flashlight.
Thank you. How's our patient doing?

It was touch and go there for a while.
-Was it? Whaddya recommend?

I think she needs more fluids.
-Why don't you go load her up

with 10 cc's of Yoohoo. Here we go.
-You're the guy...

Steve Edison.
I’m the supervising pediatrician here.

I’m Mary...
-Fiore. Yeah, I know. I had to go

through your wallet to get your
identification. You know, I must say,

I’ve never met anyone who alphabetized
their credit cards before. Here's the

skinny on you. X-rays are fine,
hemoglobin levels are normal.

We're just waiting on the Catscan to be
processed. You can take this off now.

You got a big neck.
-I have a big neck?

Don't get me wrong. It’s a fine neck.
It’s just... I haven't had a patient

over the age of 6 in 3 years.

What happened to your hand?
-My hand?

You fell on it with your big neck.

Thank you Dr. Steve.

Your Catscan came back
and it's all clear.

So, I’m ok?
-You're better than new.

That's a pretty modern girl you have.

Who?
-You're girl friend.

No, that's my sister.
You could say she's modern.

Last time I saw her,
she had a spike through her chin.

Oh my...
-I don't understand how she got

near the dumpster! Oh my God!

You're alive!
-How did you find me?

The nurse found my phone number
taped to your Palm Pilot

and told me what happened!
Is this guy who saved you?

I wouldn't exactly call it a rescue.
It was just in the right place

at the right time.
-Fine.

Aren't you just the modern day hero.

Penny?
-Are you ok?

Fabulous! Penny Nicholson.
Nice to meet you.

I’m Steve Edison. It’s nice to meet
you too. Please sit down.

Mary is going to be fine.
-You must work long hours.

Are you working late tonight?
-No. I’m not even

on duty tonight.
-Great!

Mary and I were gonna go to Golden
Gate Park. They show old movies

on the museum.
And you should come with us.

-Nice.
We won't take a No for an answer.

Penny, will you leave him alone?
-You don't want me to go?

No!
-Of course, she wants you to go.

The truth is doctor,

I’ve been thinking about a career in
medicine, something medicinal or

whatnot... I’d really like to just
pick a part of your brain.

I know what's best for you.
I’m gonna get you over this

Keith thing, once and for all!
-It’s only been 6 years.

This isn't a date! Don't leave me!
-Penny, please don't you dare!

Hi.
-Hello.

Hello, there he is. Good.
You never get the colors you want.

Oh no! Darn it, I just remembered that
I promised my friend's brother's

godmother that I would help her change

her fax cartridge tonight,

because she's going out of town

tomorrow on an African safari!
I should go. I’m sorry we're not

going to be able to have that...
-Medical chat.

Goodness! I hope...

her friend's brother's godmother
is gonna be ok.

I have reserved seating.
-Alright.

Let's go.

Thanks for guarding my tree.
-Yes. There's your blanket,

right there by the tree.
-Thank you. Burt, that's Steve Edison.

Steve, nice to meet you.
-Pleased to meet you, Burt.

It’s about time you had a date.
What line of business are you in?

I’m a doctor at St. Vincent's.
-Your'e a doctor. He's a doctor.

Burt!
-I get the hint.

See you at the Scrabble practice.
-I’m so sorry

about that.
-A Scrabble practice?

Please, don't ask.
-Come on, you can't leave me

hanging on that. What is that?
See you at Scrabble practice?

I’m a member of the Bay Area
Scrabble Club, pathetic, I know.

Wow!
-What?

That is pathetic.
-Shut up.

At least I can spell. What can you do?
-Throw a mean yo-yo.

No more caramel corn for you.
-I’m serious.

How did you get into it?
I never met anyone who's a member

of a Scrabble Club.

When my parents came over from Italy,
they joined a Scrabble Club

so they could learn English.
After my Mom died

my Dad became obsessed with the game
and wanted me to play with him

all the time. I guess I was destined.

C-O-O-L.

What are you doing?

I only eat the brown ones.
-Because?

I figure they have less
artificial coloring

because chocolate is already brown.
-That's very scientific of you,

Doctor Steve.
-Thank you, Mary.

Where cuold I see a Scrabble match.
-Oh, look,

it's starting.

It’s beautiful.
-Do you like it?

This is the coolest thing
I’ve ever done in this city.

You wanna dance?

I don't know.
I haven't danced in quite some time.

A girl asks to dance, you dance.

Burt
-Burt's right.

Yes, Mary, I would like to dance.

No pressure.
-It’s too late now.

Ok.

Where did you learn to dance?
-Ballroom class.

You're gay!
-The gayest.

What a pity.
-My mother put me

in ballroom classes
when I was 8 years old.

She wanted me to be Fred Astaire.
I wanted to be Marcus Welby.

So, now you're a little of both?

You're being kind, Mary.
You better stop. I’m going to blush.

How is your thumb?

Never better.

Y.M.C.A.
My next Scrabble match is Saturday,

at 1 o'clock, at Northside Y.M.C.A.
It’ll be the event of the season.

Maybe you should be there.

Maybe you shouldn't step on my foot.
-Did l?

I’m sorry.
-Ok. Just don't let it happen again.

Don't tell me what to do.
-Don't what?

Are you guys crazy?
-I’m thinking teal

for the bridesmaids.
What do you think?

Good morning. Earth to Mary.
What is up with you? You're different.

I’m not different. How am I different?
-You can't stop smiling.

I’m not smiling. Am I smiling?
-Like a fool.

Tell me.
-It’s nothing.

Then stop smiling.
-I can't.

Who is he?

Mister Kotsioupolis, you cannot throw
plates at the Ritz-fucking-Carlton!

A fairy tale.

He saved your life. You danced under
the stars. You kissed in the rain.

Almost kissed. I don't know, Fran,
I’ve been so out

of the dating relationship loop.
-You?

Those who can't do, teach.
Those who can't wed, plan.

With my help,
you can marry this man in 3 months.

I’ve lost control! Please help me!
-Penny, if you can't beat em...

What has gotten into you?
-She met a guy.

You met a guy?

Tell me all about it.
-I owe you one, Penny.

Hello, Rene. How are you?
-Great.

They're gonna be signing up for 6
classes. Be sure to pay up front.

Basil is gonna be here today.
-Really?

Yes. I’ll call back. Bye.

Mary, what are you doing here?
-Fran?

Oh my God, I’m so embarrassed. I may
be a hell of a business woman but when

I dance, I look like a string bean.
-I thought your class was Thursday?

I had to change it. But this is
perfect. You can finally meet Eddie.

Eddie! Eddie? Come here.

Want you to meet the wedding planner.
The 2 most important people in my life

set eyes on one another. Eddie,
this is Mary, the wedding planner.

Mary, this is my fiancé, Eddie.

Hi.

Hi.
-Mary, are you ok?

Yep. Good.

Let's see who that is.

Hi, Dad! Wait, I can't hear you.
I got you.

I’m losing you again I’m sorry. Hello?

Do you hear me?
-Quick, get your tootsies out here.

Welcome to the Basil Saint Mosley
School of Dance.

I am Basil Saint Mosley.

Wait a second, I can't here you,
you're breaking up...

I’d like all my lovely couples,
dancing partners paired up in twos

ready to dance right now.
-Dance with Eddie.

I can't!
-It’s important.

Is there a problem? I’d like us to be
still young when this class is over.

I have to take this call.
-I understand you're busy. I’m too.

You're holding the class.
-She's with him.

Mary, watch out for his thumb.
He hurt is saving some old lady.

I can't do this.
-Wallflowers, it's time to blossom.

To bloom. Obviously, what we have here,
people, is a fear of dancing.

It’s my firm belief
we must conquer ones fears.

I’ve go gage what I’m dealing with,

so I’ll play music, you'll dance
and I will observe. Ok. Rene?

Yes, thank you.

Mary, would you like to dance?
-Have no fear. Dance!

Dance! Dance! Dance!

Old lady?
-Listen, this is...

You told me your name was Steve?
-It is. My name is Edison.

Eddie is a nickname.
-Got a better: cheating, sleazy...

lf you think...
-I think of a machete and pliers.

Remember the day you had the accident?
I was running late.

How convenient.
-I was on my way to meet Fran and our

wedding planner. What are the odds?
-Dance! Dance!

You didn't show that day because you
don't want to get married!

I see it all the time.
-You see what?

Why did you tell your fiancé
You saved an lady? Exactly.

You think you want to get married, but
you don't. You're pitiful, confused,

looking to get some hot pepper.
-Mary, you have no idea what you're

talking about.
-Why did you go to movies with me?

Why did Steve go to the movies with
you? First, Steve likes the movies.

Steve had the night off. Steve said,
you know what? A movie sounds good.

Plus, he got an invitation.
-Why does Steve refer to himself

in the third person?
-What are you talking about?

You think you can double-talk your way
out of this? Throw me off your scent.

I smell like sweet red plums...
-What?

You said that before you passed out.
-I did not!

It’s M-A-R-Y who looked to get some.
-You are hideous!

Then why did you ask me to dance?
-I didn't!

You did too! Up in the tree, you said,
Steve, would you like to dance?

I’m not the one who is engaged!
-It was a dance!

Whoop-tee-do,
it didn't mean anything.

Then why did you almost kiss me?

This lovely couple have it,
they know what it takes.

Very well.

We need to pow-wow.

As Dad mentioned it, I went!
That is the place to get married!

Sure, Fran, a vineyard sounds perfect.
You must get it out right away.

I already have. For this weekend.
You're gonna have to take off Friday.

Friday is not good for me. I have a
diverticulitis seminar I had planned.

Saturday.
-Saturday?

Saturday, alright.
-Mary? Thanks for everything.

Nice to meet you. Thanks for dancing.
We'll let you know how it all goes.

What? She is coming with us.
-I’m coming?

You are not quitting the wedding!
-I’m going to tell Geri

I’m off the account.
-There is only one good reason

to quit a wedding and that is
if you break the cardinal rule which

is ridiculous because we both know
that you did not fall in love

with the groom! What?

You didn't! Bad!
-No,

of course not!
I never get emotionally.

Never! Never!

It’s the doctor.
-I’m confused. Is it the doctor

or did you fall for the groom?
-The doctor is the groom!

The groom is the doctor! The doctor
is Fran Donolly's fiancé!

The dumpster girl plans your wedding?
-Yes! I’m in hell.

I’m in heaven! Fix me up with her.
-I’m not fixing you up, Dr. John.

This is complicated enough.
-You are one of the top

wedding planners in this
great big thriving metropolis!

Look on the positive side. He got you
to open up again. Thank the bastard

and move on! You cannot tell me you
would sacrifice your career over this!

You're not telling me that you think
it's a mistake to marry Fran now?

I don't think it's a mistake
to marry Fran. Fran is great!

It’s just that...

What if what I think is great,
really is great...

But it's not as great
as something greater.

You will go through with this wedding!
Why?

Because you deserve this partnership!
You've earned it!

You're right.
-Of course, I’m right.

Your feelings for her is not chemistry.
It is anxiety. It’s nature.

It’s natural.
-Yes.

Au naturale, it's anxiety.
-I can plan this wedding.

The feelings I have for Fran run deep.
It’s not something that can be swept

away in one night with one dance!
-Not gonna happen.

What was I thinking? I was thinking
wrong. I was being a jackass.

I can treat that jackass like
any other faceless groom.

Yes! Why? Because he's nothing!

Because I love a challenge!
Because I am a goddamn professional!

You're gonna give me her number?
-No, I’m not.

I thought we had everything covered
but then I realized

Eddie and I don't have a wedding song.
I got this wedding compilation

to see if we can find one.

What do you think?
-That's groovy. I like it.

Ok, what else?

What do you think about this?
-It’s groovy too. I like it.

It’s kind of cute. Kind of nice.

Olivia Newton-John!
I love this song!

This is perfect, isn't it?
-Yes, it is perfect.

Ha.
-What?

Nothing. It’s nothing.
-No, what? Is it a bad song?

No, I think it's absolutely perfect.
-See, it's perfect.

It’s perfect?
-Yes, it is. It’s perfect.

I can't believe it, we have a song!

I love you,
I honestly love you...

What is that, like 1983?

Mary, I’ve been meaning to ask you,
what happened to that guy?

The one you danced with in the park?

Oh, Eddie!
-There was a deer on the road.

Did you see that? Damn it.

Be careful.

So, what happened?

It didn't work out.
-How is that possible?

I saw you 3days later and you still
had stars in your eyes.

He turned out to be the groom of one
of the wedding I was planning.

No!
-Yes.

That is the most disgusting thing
I ever heard!

I would hate to be single
with all those creeps out there.

Yeah Fran, you're really lucky.

They'd like to see the gardens first,
don't you think, Mary?

There the ceremony would take place.
-Maria Fiore!

What are you doing here?
-Your papa tell me where you are,

so I come to surprise you.
I made this for you.

Who is this?
-I’m her fiancé.

What?
-You're her fiancé?

Buongiorno, I am Massimo.
-I’m Steve.

And I’m Fran.
-I cannot believe you didn't tell us,

you were engaged.
-You're engaged!

That's marvellous!
After all the weddings you've done,

now it's your turn!
-And I’m the fiancé.

Congratulations! We're going to have
to plan something very special.

No, it won't be necessary.
-Yes, it will because it is wonderful.

It is wonderful. You've found that
somebody special in your life,

to be honest and faithful
till the end of time,

forever, no matter what.
Let's take that moment, Mary.

And I’m her fiancé.

Bernard, we're ready for our tour now.
-Certainly. Follow me.

Oh, man, wow!
-Steve, this wedding put-together

is not the job for a man.
Stay with me

and we will do the manly bonding.
-Manly bonding?

Manly bonding.
-You and me. We'll let the ladies,

I mean the brides-to-be
go do their thing.

How cute is he? He's so cute.

How long have you known Mary, buddy?
-Way before she had the breast.

Back then, she did not look so good.

Look,
a center for the physical fitness.

We do the bonding. Follow me.
-We do the bonding.

Take it easy there, buddy.
-I like to speed.

You like to speed...
-Faster! Run!

Run like a man! Like me!

Here we are!
-Hello, sweetheart.

Hi, bunny wedding woman.
-Hi.

Hi.
-What took you guys so long?

We found 7 of the most adorable
vineyards on the way up.

By the side of the road.
-Yes! All you can drink!

Honey, do you mind?
-How many is that for you?

65. And you?
-How many?

65.
-Same! 67!

How many?

Another plus is their chef rated one
of the 3 best on the west coast.

I really like it, Dad.
You know who else was married here?

Lesley Ann Martin.
-Herb Martin's daughter? Forget it!

I’m not move in his shoddy footsteps.
-I didn't see a stage either.

Find something bigger!
-Eddie, what on earth...

What are you doing?
-Just a second...

Good move, honey!

From this valley,
they say you are leaving.

No, it's "going".
-Whatever, darling.

I shall miss your bright eyes
and sweet smile...

Smile, smile, smile...

I’m starting a non-profit pediatric
foundation. Want Eddie to head it up.

Can you imagine, Eddie a C.E.O.?
-He wants to give up his patients?

He does. He just doesn't know it yet.
He has a hard time

leaving people behind.
Always do the right thing.

I’m sure he doesn't always do
the right thing.

Just as something
in the red river valley.

Mom, would you please shut up!

Heel, boy!

Heel!

Pull on the reigns!

Horsey!

Horsey! Oh God!

Steve! Steve!
-Hang on, Mary!

I got you, I got you!
-You got me?

Stop!

Ok?

You ok?
-Yeah.

Easy...

Oh my God, you could've been killed!
-It’s important to learn how to ride!

Yes.
-Eddie, you're riding back with Mary.

No! No, really...
-Don't let her out of your sight!

The good news is, I have the wine!

Thank you for what you did.
-No problem.

You don't have to be smug about it.

How about a quick recap here, Mary?

You harpooned me for being engaged

when in a zippy and unexpected twist,
you yourself had a fiancé.

You have the nerve to call me smug?
Mary, what the hell is your problem?

You're the one with the problem!

I’ve been doing this a long time.
I can predict, down to the week how

long a couple is going to last. Are
you aware Fran has chosen teal for

her bridesmaids? Teal the color of
gangrene. My last bride who chose teal

got her marriage annulled in 12 days!

And "I Honestly Love You" as your
wedding song? You might as well

commit matrimonial suicide right now!
-You want a confession in blood?

That night at the movie,
I was attracted to you.

You caught me. I admit it.

Maybe, I was a little unsure
about the marriage, I don't know.

Maybe, I was just being guy
and an opportunity presented itself.

Bottom line?
I never thought I’d see you again.

Bottom line, nothing happened!

Bottom line, now,
more than ever,

I believe Fran is the one for me.

So, I would say,
based on the evidence,

all your theories on love sound
rantings of a bitter and cynical woman.

Once I walked out on
the streets of Laredo.

Come to the streets with me.

That's a good boy.

What is going on?
-I am measuring you

for your wedding dress.
-I want my house key back then.

Dad, please.
-Where is that old wedding dress?

Now, we can finally get rid of this.
-Dad! Put that back!

Mary, what do you want on your bagel?
-No bagel! No wedding dress!

No wedding!
-No wedding?

Massimo said you called an engagement.
-I never said that!

This is like the blind date
that wouldn't end!

He's right! You're frightened
by a mounting attraction for him.

That's disgusting!
-I told you Missmo was full of crap.

No a Missmo, Massimo! Please, go toast
the bagel. Mind your own business.

I’ll toast it when I see fit. Missmo,
Massimo or any other kind of Mo...

You cannot push some guy at me.
That's not how it works.

You know that. You had Ma!
-Yes, and I didn't meet her

until the day of our wedding.
-What are you talking about?

Your mother and l
had an arranged marriage.

An arranged marriage?

We met on the day of our wedding,
we couldn't even look at each other.

I was in love with another girl and
your mom wanted nothing to do with me.

She said I had big eyebrows
and a low IQ.

I got very sick,

with scarlet fever...

and she stayed by my side.
She took good care of me.

For the first time, I appreciated her.

The appreciation grew to respect.

Respect grew to like.

And like grew to love.

A deeper love
than I could ever hope for.

Give Massimo a chance.

Maybe, you don't like him now.
But you might love him later.

I should have told you about
your mother and I a long time ago.

Maybe, then you'd feel differently
about love.

I don't feel anything about love.

What do you think, Mary?

The park is great.
You would be the first.

No one has ever been married
here before.

We'd have to construct the site from
scratch but at least you wouldn't

have to cut the guest list.
-Dad would love it.

And the bride and groom-to-be?
-Let's take it.

We should keep looking.

Maybe,
I should give you guys a minute.

You don't like it?
-You like it?

I don't know, I mean,

don't you...

Alright, if this is what you want,

then I’m fine with it.

Do you see why I’m marrying this guy?
Because he is so good to me.

You two will have no problem planning
the wedding while I’m gone.

Pardon?
-Just for a week.

Gone?
-Back East.

Buying out a few of our manufacturers.
-Fran, this is a really critical time.

I know. That's why we shouldn't lose
momentum. You'll do your job. I trust.

Fran wants statues.
-A well-chosen sculpture

can help enhance the tone and theme
of the ceremony.

Something like this could be nice.
-Depressing, isn't it?

No. It’s wistful and romantic.

I always pictured a small wedding
myself. Close friends and family

on a beach somewhere...
cool salty breeze.

The Aphrodite might be perfect.
-What about this guy?

This is all wrong for a wedding.
It’s too menacing.

I think you're wrong.
He's not menacing. He's masculine.

He's the protector.
This man is strong.

He's naked.
-This man is sturdy.

Pick him up before somebody sees it!

Are you alright? Yes...
I got him. The man is heavy!

My God, there's a guard coming!

Oh my God! You castrated him!

Oh, no!
-The guard is coming!

I’m sorry, buddy.
-Lot of work here! We gotta fix him!

Whaddya got? Of course, Krazy Glue...

Why didn't I bring Krazy Glue
in case his pecker fell off.

Hanging right there.
-You got it?

He's on. I got it. Oh shit! Steve is
Stuck... glued to it by his finger.

Sir, touching the statues
isn't permitted.

You're right, it's limestone,
not granite. We got a bet going

on what he was made out of.
-Your hand, sir?

Yeah, my hand... Here it is.

Limestone penis.

You'd think it'd be bigger.

What else you got in there?

My entire universe.

I’m sorry...
-I’m sorry, go ahead.

No, you go.
-I’m sorry about Napa.

I didn't mean to call you
bitter and cynical. You're not.

I’m sorry about what I said
about your marriage

being to failure.
-I apologize for saying

you were just an opportunity.
That was pretty ugly of me.

I was only half serious
about the teal bridesmaid thing.

At least I have a fifty-fifty chance.

You're going to be real happy together.
-So are you and Massimo.

It’s gonna work.

We're not engaged anymore.

Really?
-Really.

Are you ok with that?
-Yeah.

It was more my Dad
trying to get us together.

Whaddya mean?
Why would he wanna do that?

Maybe because he was
so happy with my Mom.

Fran said to go ahead with Violet...
-The chocolate one?

The one you suggested.
-Good. I’ll put in that order today.

How is Fran?
-She's good.

She's making deals,
kicking butt, being Fran.

Nicely done.

Thank you, Mary.
-You're welcome.

You wanna keep it?
-Sure...

It’s a nice day.

I agree with you
about the small wedding.

That's the way I’d do it too.

Papa?

How nice to see you.

Where's my father?
-Buying balloons for Burt's birthday.

Tell him I was here.

Are you mad with me?
-Yes, I’m mad at you.

You told my father we were engaged.
He tried to measure me

for a wedding dress! What is the
matter with you? You never listen!

Massimo, we are not going to be
together like that!

What are you doing here?
-I am sorry! I will leave you alone!

No, from now on I will no longer
bother you! We will be just friends.

You think we can be friends?
-I want to apologize for any madness

I caused you.
-Is this a trick?

No tricks. I’m very serious.
I just want for us to be...

buddy-buddy. I promise it.

Do you have plans for dinner?
-Massimo!

No, as a friend I want to make for you
a wonderful American dish.

Sit, I will start.

That's it? Instant cheese macaroni?
-It is a low-budget wonder.

Already today, I’ve eaten 3 boxes.
-Nothing like a

well-balanced diet.

You remind me so much of your mother.
-You don't remember my mother.

I remember your mother.
She had the same big smile

and the same dark hair.
She had no nail on her little finger.

I don't remember why.

A brick fell on it when she
was little. It never grew back.

We have much history together.
-We sort of do.

You have much on your mind?
-Not at all.

We're friends and friends listen when
their friends are not feeling good so,

please, do tell me.

There's nothing to tell.
I thought I could control everything

and I can't.
I met someone who I thought he was,

but was he's not.

Did you ever like somebody
but the timing was off?

Way off. You feel things
that you should no be feeling.

I’m not making any sense.

You make much sense.

You long for him
the way I long for you.

I don't want you to think...
-I want to tell you something.

You need to learn patience.

Love can't always be perfect.
Love is just love.

My Mom used to say that.
-Your mother was a very wise woman.

We'll start with Camellias as a base.
That's what Fran and I discussed.

Anything else that jumps out at you,
let me know.

Roses, wreaths...
We don't need any more statues.

How about this beauty?
-Interesting.

This is called a Bleeding Heart,
the official funeral flower of Tibet.

I knew I’d be good at this.
We'll take some

Slit-My-Wrists Susans
and we'll be ready.

How did you meet?
-Me and Fran?

College.
-In one of your classes?

No, she was a bookie.
-Fran was a bookie?

She single-handedly established
this underground gambling ring

at UC Berkeley. Took bets on every
sporting event, ran numbers and hosted

a Vegas night at a sorority house.
-You're lying.

That's Fran. Orchids? Does that work?
-Orchids will work, definitely.

She was the coolest.
I was the bookworm.

She was the wild child
and she picked me.

How about cabbage?
-Oh, god!

What's the matter?
-Just hide me!

Mary, what are you doing?
-Don't say my name!

Mary?

Hi.
-Hi.

Are you ok?
-Yeah, I found it.

How are you doing? I’m Steven Edison.
-Keith Richmond.

My wife, Wendy.

Nice to meet you, Wendy.
How do you all know each other?

We go way back. It’s a long story.
-Let me tell it. It’s really

a funny story.
See, Keith was my fiancé.

Wendy was his high-school girlfriend.
On the night

of our rehearsal dinner, I found them
making out in my car!

That covers a lot of points.
Did I leave anything out?

You want to go up?

You ok?
-Jezebel was the only queen

in the bible to be eaten by dogs.
-Did she fall down?

Mister and Misses Wilfred Perper.
-No, it's not that one.

Nancy Pong...

Who is it?
-Nancy Pong? 2-C?

Nancy, would you buzz us in, please?
-It’s Mary Fiore... 7 H!

Who?
-You don't know me. We haven't met

because I’m a control freak
and I don't have time for people.

lf you ever need to borrow
a cup of sugar,

I can't help you

because I don't have time to shop!

I want to go home.
-We are home.

We're down on the porch.

He's married

and they're gonna have a baby.

He looked good.
-No, no.

He didn't.

Hold it, please? Thank you.

We're in.
-I don't know him.

I know this guy.
He's gonna hold the door open.

You got your beer. Here we go...
We got you. We got you purse.

We got your keys. Somebody...

who lives in the same building, thanks.
-Do you know Nancy Pong?

You want it well or medium well.
-You really don't think

he looked good?
-No, he looked old.

Kind of happy and fat.
He put on

a couple of pounds.
-Be quiet.

He said they were just friends.
Deep down I knew friends.

Deep down I knew better.

I was just a stand-in,

a poor man's Wendy.

Do you know she threw my bridal
shower for me? She even froze

mint leaves and raspberries in the
ice cubes. That should have

tipped me off right there.
She was trying too hard.

Jerk!

It’s a good thing I didn't marry him.

But most of the time I think,

I just wasn't enough.

No,

no, you're wrong.

Hey!

And another thing,

this Wendy, she's nothing
but a poor man's Mary.

Really.

It’s getting late.

I better go.

I’ll walk you to the door.
-That's alright. Stay down.

No, it's ok.
-Take your time.

You alright?

Thanks for tonight.
I know I was a mess.

No, you weren't. Maybe.
A little bit of a mess.

Shut up!
-Are you going to be ok?

2 aspirin and a lot of water.
Sleep, and a beer in the morning.

That's the cure.

Good-night, Mary.
-Good-night.

Yes?
-Do you think about the night at park?

What?

Ok.

I barely know you.
I don't know your dad's first name.

I don't know if you ever wore
braces or contacts or glasses...

I have no idea how you came
to be a wedding planner, Mary.

But I know the curves of your face.

I know every fleck of gold
in your eyes.

I know that night in the park,

it was the best time I’ve ever had.

Please say something.

I’m a magnet for unavailable men.

And I’m sick of it.

It’s simple.

I know Fran. I respect her.

And she loves you.

So, besides your tux measurements,

that's all I need to know.

Please go away.

Good-night, Mary.

How to word an invitation where both
parents pay the wedding? The groom is

a military, will get a medical degree
and the bride is a young widow

whose father just had a sex change
operation and now goes by the name,

Sugarpie DeSanto. Mary?
-What is it?

A little tense?
-No, just terribly...

terribly alert!

Fran? What's the matter?

I came back early.

Why? Is everything ok?
-I’ve discovered something.

I’ve been blind.
I didn't want to see it.

I tried to ignore the signs.

You know what I’m talking about.
-Let me explain.

It’s not what you think.
-Yes, it is.

I can't go through with this wedding.
-Fran...

I was in a meeting talking about
Boccolino Mozzarella

and it hit me that
this isn't going to work.

I can't stand the way he chews
on pen caps or the songs

he sings in the shower.
It drives me nuts the way he hikes up

his left pant leg
after he's eaten too much.

Is Eddie gonna be the last man
I sleep with? Ever?

I’ve been with him so long, I don't
know why we're together anymore.

Look at me.

You are exquisite.

You're timeless. You have the love
of a man named Steve.

A man who while you were away having
meetings about mozzarella, said to me:

I can't believe she picked me.

I can't believe I’m marrying the most
incredible woman I’ve ever met.

That tells me this marriage of yours

is not only gonna work,

it's gonna last forever.

Really?

Really.

Thank you.

For he's a Jolly good fellow,
for he's a Jolly good fellow,

for he's a Jolly good fellow,
which nobody can deny!

Let me pray,
I love you, bless everyone.

I hope he didn't spit on the cake.

Open up your presents!

Everyone! I want to make some toast.

Happy Birthday, Burt.

I want to thank Salvatore
for taking me into his life

and introducing me
to all you wonderful people.

One moment...

I know I never done the right thing,
say the right thing

and I act like a fool.

I know I say we're just buddy-buddy
friends but that would not be true

to my heart.

So, I will ask you this one question

and if your answer is no then I will
leave you alone, once and for all.

Be my wife, Mary Fiore.

I will take care of you,
be true to you

and like this house I built
for your dolls, I will make sure

you have a strong roof over your head.
lf your answer is yes,

then no one will love you
as much as I love you.

lf your answer is yes

you will make me
the happiest man on the earth.

What should I do without you?
-Wedding woman, you did some job.

My girl is gonna knock them dead!

Somebody stole my lucky mike.
I can't sing without it.

What are you doing here? You know,
it's bad luck to see the bride

before the wedding.

You look beautiful.
-Get out of here.

We're starting any minute. Go on!

Let's take a walk.
-A walk?

A walk. Come on.

You can't give the whole wedding to me!
-Everything is going to be fine.

It’s a no-brainer.
-You can't do this! Geri is out there!

So? The whole commission is yours.

More money than I make in a year.
-That means we're going to have

to go shopping next week.

I am completely confused.
Why are you doing this?

There's somewhere I’ve gotta be.
-Ok, we can talk

after the wedding.
-Hang on a minute, Fran.

Why do you want to marry me?

What?
-That question I need answered.

Steve, you're scaring me.
-You never call me Steve.

Because you don't like it.
-I never said I didn't like it.

Where is this going?
-Why do you want to marry me?

Are you kidding me?
-No, I’m not.

You're trying to dump me
on the day of my wedding!

I just want an answer.
-No, this is not...

No, Franny...
-Don't "Franny" me!

You selfish bastard!
-The reasons we were together

in college don't hold up anymore!
We're different people now.

I think you know that.

Listen, Franny, if you really love me
I’ll put on this and walk up that hill

to the big tent and do it.
-You would do that?

Yes, I would.

All those people...
-You don't know half of them.

You and me.

Are you ready?

Yes. Yes, of course.

I just need a second.

Oh God!

No.

I don't want to get married.

How did we let it get this far?

I don't know.
-What are we going to do?

That's the beauty of it...
whatever we want.

I haven't thought about what l
really want in so long.

Me neither.

There you go.

Ok?

Ok.

That is the bride!
-Yes, it is.

Is she coming back?
-No.

All the blood is rushing to my head
and I’m going to faint. I’m going to

kill Mary for leaving me all alone!
I don't know what to do.

Take a breath.
What are you talking about?

I’m talking about your wedding planner
leaving me here alone

to go to city hall and getting married!
-Married? You mean,

Mary is getting married?
-Yeah. You know, married?

She can't get married! City hall!

Married, like you're supposed
to be doing! That's good.

Beautiful.

You're so beautiful.
-Thanks.

Come on! God-damn it! Are you sure
you don't know a shortcut?

Take a shortcut somewhere?
-We used to...

Oh shit!

Alright, on we go!

We are gathered in the presence
of there witnesses to join

this man and this woman in matrimony.

This contract is not to be taken
lightly, but thoughtfully and

seriously with a deep realization of
its obligations and responsibilities.

lf anyone can show just cause why
these two should not be joined

together in matrimony, then let him
speak now or forever hold his peace.

Fine! Then let us proceed.

No, no!
-Thank God!

I object too.
-What is going on here?

I look in your eyes
and it hurts my insides.

This is not what you want,
this is what I want.

Shame on me!
-I’m so lucky to have a Dad like you.

But you're right. Love isn't like
some enchanted evening,

isn't a fairy tale.
Or even love at first sight.

That isn't real life.

Massimo is a good man.
Don't worry, Papa.

I know what I’m doing.

I’m just all grown up now.

You know the doctor?
-Mary? Where's Mary?

I’m her father. Who are you?
-I’m Steve the doctor.

I’m in love with your daughter.
-You are the one?

I’m sorry, but I am!
-What about Fran?

Not get married.
-Happening a lot today.

You didn't get married?
-We're not married. I am not the one.

You are the one, Steve.
-She's not married?

She does not love me.
She loves you, Steve.

I could never forgive myself if I got
in the way of Mary's true love.

Who the hell are you?
-Steve.

He's Steve. He's the one!
-I’m the doctor.

Hold the phone! You mean to tell me,

you love her and she loves you and
neither of you got married today?

Yes! That's what I’m saying.
-What the hell are you doing standing

around talking to us for?
-I don't know. Where is she?

Somebody take me to Mary!
-I like him!

And he's a doctor.

Thank you, Massimo.
-You better be good to her!

Don't worry!
-I still do more chin-ups than you.

Why are you only eating
the brown ones?

Because someone once said that

they had less artificial coloring
because chocolate is already brown.

And it kind of stayed with me.

You kind of stayed with me.

Where's Fran?
-She's in Tahiti,

on our honeymoon.

We didn't get married.

Because?

Cause she needs to find
her own life.

And l...
-You what?

What does Steve want?
-I want to dance.

With you.