The Very Excellent Mr. Dundee (2020) - full transcript
Paul Hogan is reluctantly thrust back into the spotlight as he desperately attempts to restore his sullied reputation on the eve of being knighted.
[Man] You've got to do
something.
[Hogan] Why have I
got to do something?
[Man] Because I don't
really like snakes!
[Hogan] I don't like 'em either.
Why don't we just
turn around and...
go back the way we came up?
'Cause everyone's watching.
Please. Mr. Dundee.
Oh...
Yeah, come on. Mr. Dundee.
[Man] Go, Dundee!
[Hogan] I'm not really
Crocodile Dundee, you know.
Just a character I play
in a movie.
He's being modest. That movie
was practically a documentary.
[Hogan] Shut up, Barney!
Stand back, everyone. Boys.
Oh. Shit.
Be careful.
[Barney] Here's a stick!
[stick whooshes]
He'll have that thing on the
barbecue tonight. [chuckles]
It's dead. [chuckles]
[laughs]
[Teacher] Um, yeah, not that
one.
Huh?
Could you get the other one?
The other one? Oh, is there...
Ooh, Jesus!
Shit.
Everything okay?
[snake hisses]
[screams]
[All clamoring]
Oops.
[screaming continues]
As hilarious reports
continue to surface of Paul
'Crocodile Dundee' Hogan's
ill-fated rendezvous
with a snake...
we ask where the Man from
Down Under has been hiding.
[Man] The one-time rigger
on the Sydney Harbor Bridge
first got his big break
on Australian talent show
New Faces.
[Woman] He instantly became
a household favorite,
and quickly, this everyman
went on to star
in his own sketch comedy
series, The Paul Hogan Show.
[Man] Dominating the Australian
ratings over a 14-year period
made 'Hoges' a household name
and introduced such iconic
characters as Arthur Dunger,
Luigi the Unbelievable
and stuntman extraordinaire
Leo Wanker.
The world beckoned,
and as Hoges fronted
Australia's most successful
tourism campaign,
we booked our flights and
flocked Down Under in droves.
It was then Hogan unleashed...
the most successful
independent film
in the history of cinema...
[Man] Crocodile Dundee.
[O'DELL] ...Crocodile Dundee,
of course.
[Woman] ...Crocodile Dundee.
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
[Woman] The low-budget Aussie
comedy
went on to gross over $300
million worldwide
and saw Paul Hogan co-host
the 1987 Academy Awards
and made him one of the most
recognizable faces
on the planet and a national
treasure.
Growing up in Australia,
there was one name
that was... beyond an idol
in a way,
and I'm just gonna say
one word - Hoges.
[cheering and applause]
Hoges was your everyman.
Hoges was the Aussie
you wanted to be.
[O'Dell] In 1989 came Dundee II
and saw Hogan move
to live in the US.
[Frazier] More films were
to follow,
but all failed to capture
the same success
as Crocodile Dundee.
[Man] And almost overnight,
Hogan disappeared from
American screens.
And apart from a brief cameo
in a new Australian
tourism campaign...
...has rarely been seen again.
[Woman] If you want to know
what the notoriously private
star
has been up to these past
20 years,
your guess... is as good as
mine.
[Woman] What the hell was that?!
[Hogan] What?
You threw a snake at a
fifth-grade teacher
and hit her in the face!
Oh. Oh, she thought I was
the real Crocodile Dundee.
So you threw a snake at her?
Oh, no. That was an accident.
The bloody thing leapt at me.
Right. And yet she thought you
were the real Crocodile Dundee?
[laughs] Yeah. He probably
would have eaten it.
Paul, I hardly have any clients
left as it is.
Could you just please try
not to kill yourself?
Okay.
Thank you.
Uh, where are we going?
Oh. I have news.
Oh.
Yeah!
See this letter?
What?
Well, God knows why,
but apparently
the Queen of England wants to
bestow you with a knighthood.
[laughs]
What for?
For services to comedy.
Services! God! I don't want
a knighthood.
Well, you're getting one.
So this is serious?
Oh. Look at that.
There's that Dundee
impersonator.
[Hogan] Oh, he's still here.
[chuckles]
I hate it. You know, people keep
telling me he's strung out.
Photo with Mick Dundee?
Hey? Crocodile man?
[Hogan] They're all strung out.
Yeah, but he doesn't even
look like Dundee!
And apparently he's rude
to the kids
and then charges them
something like $5
just to take his picture.
Well, this is Hollywood
Boulevard.
They're all crooks.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, and, yes, this is very
serious.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. They want me
to appear in person.
Six weeks from now in London.
[laughs] I know!
How great is that?
[scoffs] I'm not going.
Wait. But... What? You are.
Wh-why would I go to...
I mean, I've been trying to
retire for the last 20 years.
I know.
[Hogan] You know me. I'm lazy.
I like to stay at home
and watch Ellen on TV
and do crossword puzzles.
But despite all that, it seems
the Queen is actually
quite the fan.
Oh.
[laughs] I know.
I'm not surprised.
I mean, come on, you put
Australia on the map.
You had the most successful
independent film
in history, Paul.
I mean, you've got to think
about your legacy.
My legacy?
Having a legacy is a beautiful
thing.
As your manager, I am telling
you, you've got to do this.
Oh, and in the meantime,
can you just try and
behave yourself?
Because, you know, the palace
hates any kind of...
controversy or trouble.
Hey, I never cause any
controversy or trouble.
You know... sometimes it...
just comes after me.
[Hogan] What are we doing here?
[Angie] Okay. Don't be mad.
But the studio really, really
wanted a meeting.
[Hogan] Angie, I've been
telling you for 20 years,
I don't want to do
another Dundee.
I know, but they've got some
really amazing casting news.
Seriously, I have never
heard the studio
this excited and bursting
with ideas.
So I told them we'd take
a meeting.
Oh, come on. Just do it for me?
Please?
Can we meet with them?
And then you can go home,
take a nap and watch Ellen.
[chuckles]
All right. Come on.
Okay. You know what? I can't go.
I've got to meet Mom.
But you go ahead.
You'll be great, trust me.
I'll call you later!
[starts engine] Love you!
[cackles]
Oh, look! Everyone,
there's Paul Hogan!
Hey.
Hey, Paul.
Kim Courtney. Pleasure.
Paul, it's an honor.
Thanks for coming in, Paul.
We heard you were very excited
to meet.
Uh... yeah.
Let me just start by saying
that we are huge fans
of the Crocodile Dundee movies.
And we want to bring him back.
We know you've been a little
resistant in the past,
but please, just hear us out.
We'd really love to see
Dundee...
come to Los Angeles.
[Hogan] Dundee in LA?
Exactly.
Like we did in Dundee III?
There was a Dundee III?
Are you sure?
Mmm, reasonably.
Here we go.
Drinks! Ha ha!
One sunrise kiss
with added kale.
Thank you.
Roland, blended oats
and chai supreme.
Ah. Thank you, Anton.
Ah, Josh.
Yes, siree.
Lemon and rocket essence.
Perfecto.
Now, Paul...
Uh, no, I'm...
I made you my favorite,
which is a cleansing blend
of mint, goat's milk,
activated walnuts and baby
spinach with agave syrup.
Ooh!
Agave syrup!
Yeah. Thanks.
[Kim] Take a sip.
[Roland] Yeah, yeah. Drink.
Sip.
[Kim] Come on.
Hmm? Hmm?
It's good, huh?
Yeah. There it is.
[laughter]
Anton!
Okay. Let's forget the location.
We want to introduce your son.
A Dundee Jr.
You know, someone who shares all
of your qualities and attributes
but who can bring the franchise
forward
for a younger, new generation.
Yeah, well, we've already been
down that road,
and it, um... didn't sort of
work.
Yes. But this time, we have
just the actor.
He's A-list, he is charming,
funny as hell...
A little bit cute.
He is perfect.
And a massive, massive fan.
So, without any further ado,
to play your son...
Will Smith!
[Others laugh]
Will...
Smith!
Look at him! Oh, he can't
believe it!
Believe it, Paul!
He wants to play your son!
Yeah!
Yeah, but...
Okay. We know what you're
thinking.
He's too old.
No, that's not what I'm
thinking.
But he's just turned 50
and he looks great.
Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, but...
What? He's American?
He's fantastic with accents.
We'll get him a voice coach.
But that's... not the problem.
It's just that he's...
Hey, Barry!
Ah! We got Paul Hogan here!
We're just discussing
the Dundee casting.
My man! Crocodile Dundee!
[Hogan] Hey, Barry.
Sorry, Paul. You were saying?
Well, it just doesn't
make sense.
It's just that he's...
Hey, Kyle!
Yes?
Bring that thing in here.
[Kyle] For sure.
So we can show our excitement.
[All] Ah!
[Kim] Oh, great! Perfect!
Perfect timing.
[Barry] It's a crocodile.
[chuckles]
Sorry, Paul, you were saying?
Oh, yeah, well...
You don't seem too sure
about Will... What is it?
You can tell us.
Mmm.
Be honest. Is... is it height?
No...
His build?
No...
What, his hair color?
Closer.
His acting?
No, I... I love Will Smith.
I think he's fabulous.
He's great. But, um...
What?
What is it, Paul?
He's black.
[seat squeaks]
You did what?
I didn't do anything!
Paul, not more than
20 minutes ago,
I told you to behave yourself,
and now you suddenly decide
to become a racist?
Racist? Oh, rubbish!
They said you said you didn't
like Will Smith
because he was black.
No! I just said it makes
no sense
that me and the equally white
Sue Charlton
have an African-American son.
God, Paul! You can't say that!
Oh, I'm fairly sure I already
did.
Now I know why my dad always
wanted to quit managing you.
He never wanted to quit.
Paul?
Um, what do you say
we just keep this Will Smith
stuff to ourselves, huh?
And you just try and behave.
I'll try.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh... God!
[door opens]
[dog whines softly]
[door closes]
Paddy?
[whimpers]
[chuckles] You want your dinner,
don't you?
[whines]
Here it comes.
[chuckles]
[dance music playing
in distance]
♪ Like you want to go ♪
♪ Baby, it's the time ♪
♪ I can make you mine... ♪
[music thumps inside]
Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey, mate.
How's your day been?
Yeah, it's good, it's good.
Not too bad. How about you?
Mmm... not bad.
Listen, do you want any dinner?
Oh, I'm all right. I had a bite
earlier, actually, so...
Oh, well... Oop.
[Woman] Hi.
Hello. Hi.
Hi.
Good to see you.
These are... they're my friends.
Yeah.
Um, there's some ice-cream
left down there.
You want me to leave you a bit?
You know what? I'm good,
actually, Dad.
But I might grab some
in a bit, eh?
Okay.
Why don't you come in for a sec?
Well, I'd love to, but, um...
you know, it's a bit late for
me.
Sure.
Yeah. I'll leave you.
I love you, Dad.
Good to see you.
Love you.
See you.
[O'Dell] As excitement builds
for Alf: The Musical,
which opens on Broadway
next week.
[Frazier] Meanwhile, at the
domestic box office,
Father-in-Law spent its second
week at number one,
making Pauly Shore's return
to the top now complete.
Welcome back, Pauly.
[Frazier] Yeah, indeed.
[O'Dell] All right, finally,
the excitement
of Paul Hogan returning to
the public eye was short-lived,
with some now asking
whether the Australian actor
threw the snake as a publicity
stunt
in a vain attempt to
reinvigorate his acting career.
His acting career? [chuckles]
I think you're being too kind.
[phone rings]
Hi, Grandpa!
Oh, Lucy! How are you, love?
What time is it over there?
Not sure, but early. I've got
rehearsals before school today.
Oh? What's that for?
I'm doing the school play.
The Wizard of Oz.
Well, today is my first day.
You should come and watch!
Oh, I'd love to, kid, but, um...
it's too far away.
Mum said you've been
getting in trouble.
[Hogan] Who, me?
[Lucy giggles] You!
[Hogan] Nah. She's probably
getting
confused with someone else.
Oh. [sighs] I wish you'd
come back home, Grandpa.
Oh, believe me, kiddo, I'd be
back there in a heartbeat
if I thought my poor old dog
Paddy could handle the flight.
Especially now that Chase is
doing so well over here.
Yeah. I've heard about
Uncle Chase. [chuckles]
[laughs] Yeah! Never ceases
to amaze me, that kid.
I think he's running a nightclub
out of his bedroom.
[Lucy giggles]
So, how's the new school going?
It's okay.
Made any new friends?
Grandpa?
Yeah?
I love you.
Oh, I love you too, sweetie.
I'd better get going. Bye!
[Man] Valet?
Oh, yeah.
Kimmel had a good one on you.
Oh, yeah, and Colbert. He did
a good five minutes on you.
Great.
For somebody who just wants
a quiet life and to be
left alone,
you're not doing a very
good job of it.
Nah, I'm not, am I?
Hey, talk is you're now
taking to hate crimes.
What next, the Klan?
The studio! They wanted Will
Smith to play Dundee Jr!
Will Smith?
Yeah!
That's ridiculous!
I know!
I'll play Dundee.
What, you thought I'd retired?
I did Die Hard, for Chrissakes!
I know.
People love me!
I know.
[Man] Yo! Where's Urkel?!
I did that too.
Yeah, I know! [laughs]
[Latin band playing]
[laughs] Come on.
[gasps] Paul! Hi!
Oh, Livvy! Hi!
All right, see you.
[laughs] Good to see you!
Oh, lovely!
Oh, you know Reggie.
Of course I do.
How are you? Nice to see you.
I was just thinking about you
the other day.
Oh, really?
Yeah. I was thinking we haven't
seen each other for a long time
and it's time we caught up.
Yeah. That'd be great.
Yeah. I've got a girlfriend
coming
to visit from home, Ella,
in a couple of weeks.
I thought that'd be
a great time.
Yeah.
You know, I was just saying
that he needs a woman.
Perfect!
So, um, what are you two guys
doing next Tuesday night?
Tuesday? Um...
Yeah, I'm doing this charity
thingy at my neighbor's school
and it's gonna be a lot of fun.
You should come.
Oh. Yeah.
John said he might come along,
sing a couple of songs with me
from Grease.
And there's gonna be, like,
face painting and art stalls
and a barbie. You'll fit right
in.
Oh. [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.
Oh. Oh! Tuesday.
Yeah, well, see, Tuesday,
I've got, um...
Pity... oh, pity it wasn't
Wednesday.
You know, 'cause if it had
been Wednesday,
I'd have been there with
bells on.
Yeah.
Hold on!
I think it is Wednesday!
Oh. [chuckles]
It is Wednesday. That's great.
You can come.
Perfect.
But look. Here's a flyer.
It's all about helping kids
who can't help themselves.
Oh. I think it'll be great
you can go.
After all of the bad press,
being seen at some charity event
is exactly what you need.
Thanks.
And, uh, maybe afterwards,
we can take a selfie
and remind the world
how much we love you.
Oh, yeah.
[Reggie laughs]
[Olivia] Yeah.
Everything all right, sir?
Oh, yeah. Just looking for
the valet.
We don't have a valet.
This is a supermarket.
[groans]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, no. No filming unless
you've got money. Come on.
What have you got? You got $5?
Or any coins or anything?
Oh, yeah, I grew this after
the movie. I'm the real guy.
You want a photo?
Who are you meant to be?
Huh? Better than Batman, hey?
Why don't you try picking on
someone your own size?
Oh, go away, grandad!
Oh, come on!
What?
Well, at least stop being rude
to the kids, Okay?
Oh, wow! I thought you were
dead!
Well, I'm not, shit-for-brains.
Oh! [chuckles] Okay.
"Look out! He's got a knife!"
Oh, yes. You have a knife,
but mine's bigger.
[young couple laugh]
So, you want a photo? Come on!
That's not the line!
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not!
It's not the line!
I've been doing this
for 20 years. I think I'd know.
[scoffs] What?!
Go away. You're bad
for my business.
I am your business!
[laughs] Yeah, right!
Hi. Uh...
I would love to take the photo?
Oh. Okay.
Yes?
Oh, just...
Okay. Okay.
Yeah. Come here. Okay.
Come on!
There you go.
[camera clicks]
Oh!
[Woman] Thank you.
I'll show her my knife later.
Hey?
You are such a sack of shit.
[chuckles] Come on, boys! Hey?
Ha!
That's it!
Oh, Wally! That's my boys! Yes!
Yeah! How's that for the real
thing? That's it!
[cameras click]
[growls]
[Boys yell, punch]
Crocodile Dundee star
Paul Hogan
tried to strangle a child today
when what was seemingly
a child's innocent request
for a photo
enraged the obviously
troubled star.
[Hogan] Oh! You little mongrel!
[groans]
I'll rip your little head off!
[Newsreader] Several onlookers,
including Dorothy Springborg
from Delaware,
were almost caught up
in the brawl.
It was disgusting.
These were innocent children,
for heck's sake!
Um... oh, well, it wasn't as bad
as I thought.
I... don't even feel like
I know you anymore.
I can't even look at you!
I know. If you're worried
about it,
book me on one of them
tonight shows.
Book you on one of those
tonight shows?
I mean, apart from
being a punchline
in their monologues lately,
they're not gonna have you
on their show!
God!
All right, well, what about
Ellen?
No! And you've killed any
chance of the knighthood.
I mean, Paul, what were
you thinking?!
I don't care about a knighthood.
But I do, Paul. I do.
I thought we were meeting
the Queen. And you agreed.
No, no. I never agreed
to any knighthood.
But I told them that you did!
Well, tell 'em I didn't.
Seriously? You want me
to cancel the knighthood?
Absolutely.
Want me to call the palace?
Yeah, call it right now.
And tell them no?
Yep.
[phone rings]
Uh-huh. Oh, hang on.
I don't know why I bother.
I wish you wouldn't.
[door opens]
Oi. You out of bread.
I wonder why.
Oh, hi, sweetie.
Grandpa, are you getting
a knighthood?
Uh...
'Cause Mum said you were,
and I told some kids
at my new school you were,
and they laughed and said
I'm a liar.
I'm not a liar, am I, Grandpa?
No. You're not a liar.
You are getting a knighthood?
Uh... y... uh, yeah,
services to comedy.
Yes! I knew it! Bye, Pa!
Bye, love.
[hangs up]
Oh, what a web we weave!
[door opens]
Ha. Just called the palace.
They're really not happy.
[chuckles]
Oh. Uh, see, here's the thing...
No.
You'll have to call 'em back.
No!
Well, Lucy thinks
I'm getting it.
I'm gonna look like an idiot!
Well, she told the kids
at school.
They'll get over it.
No, they won't.
It's a new school.
She's trying to make friends.
It's not happening.
What about my, uh, legacy?
You know, uh... put Australia
on the map, had a TV show...
Oh, and you always good
with the ladies!
Good with the la... ladies.
Okay, fine! I will call them.
But I am telling them
you're an idiot.
Great. Great. Love ya!
Wow.
Is two o'clock. Is time
for your siesta.
Come on, Paddy. Help me cut
the grass.
Ah.
[doorbell rings]
Oh.
Wayne?
I need somewhere to stay.
Carol is driving me crazy!
She keeps saying I'm too loud!
Too loud?
Yeah!
And... and... and the kids
are crying.
Crying? Uh...
I just need someplace quiet.
For a couple of days.
Uh... it's not really
a good time...
Well, you won't even know
I'm here!
I start rehearsals
on Broadway soon!
I-I need to practice.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
If Carol asks...
you haven't seen me. Yeah?
[grunts]
Ahh.
[piano playing]
[Wayne] ♪ Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal
♪ Send me a kiss by wire
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire
♪ If you refuse me,
honey, you'll lose me
♪ Then you'll be left alone
♪ Oh, baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your own! ♪
[silence]
[piano playing]
♪ Hello, my baby
[tap-dances]
♪ Hello, my ragtime
♪ Send me a kiss
[Hogan groans]
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire... ♪
[laughs] Wait. So he sings?
Yeah. And he also tap-dances.
Oh.
Evidently.
Cop it.
♪ Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart's... ♪
Paul, you have three showers.
Why is he using your ensuite?
Oh, he said the acoustics
are better in my bathroom.
Oh, what time is
the Olivia thing?
Oh. That's now.
You know, I am so glad
you're doing this.
And I really think people
are starting to forget
that you threw a snake
at those bystanders.
And that you tried to beat up
those kids.
And the Will Smith thing.
But I honestly think it's
almost all behind us.
So it's the perfect time to be
seen with the lovely Livvy
doing something for the kids.
Oh, yeah, that'll be fun.
Oh, do you want me to organize
a lift for you or something?
Oh, no, I've booked a car.
Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, and Paul, I'm really sorry
I've been so crazy about this
whole knighthood thing.
I am just so proud of you
and the fact that I...
Oh, there's my car now.
get to be there with you...
I'd better go.
Hey, uh, give my love
to your mum.
[sighs] Rude!
Paul!
John?
Mint?
Oh, uh, no, thanks.
Is the air all right?
Oh, yeah, excellent, John.
Good. Oh. Bottle of water?
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Yeah, I love it.
You know, I don't get stuck
behind a desk, I'm my own boss,
I get to meet interesting
people,
and, uh... let's face it,
these days,
romantic leads for 79-year-old
actors are few and far between.
Mm-hm.
Tch! Hollywood!
You'd know all about that, eh?
Yes, I...
[honks horn] You steaming turd!
Um...
Hmm?
I don't mean to be nosy,
but, uh...
you know, you're happy
driving and everything.
Uh... what happened after
all your success? I...
Oh, the money. Uh, well,
you know, alimony.
Oh.
Parties.
Drugs. [chuckles] Gambling.
Hookers. [laughs]
Prostitutes. Ladies of the
night.
No, no, I'm being silly.
I never gamble.
All right, here we are.
[cheering and applause]
Huh. It looks bigger
than I thought.
♪ When you're facing
All kinds of trouble ♪
Just hang on a sec.
[sighs] "A charity concert
for disadvantaged children."
Ah. "Helping kids who can't
help themselves."
Thanks, Johnno.
Okay.
Mr. Hogan.
Why are you here?
Oh, Olivia asked me to come.
But... why here?
Oh, to help. To help these
unfortunate little people.
And they need all the help
they can get. You know?
I mean, they've had a raw deal
out of life,
and... it's up to us
to try and help 'em.
Mm-hm.
♪ Give it up ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[Reporter] Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I don't pity them.
They're having a little,
uh... concert in here tonight,
and some of 'em are gonna
get up and try and sing.
Try and sing?
Okay...
Oh, my pl... my pleasure.
Uh, Mr. Hogan, do you mind
clarifying some of
your comments tonight?
Oh, it's pretty simple.
I'm here to help those
less fortunate than I am
and, um... help them
in any way I can.
"Help"?
Yeah.
You're trying to help?
Yeah.
Paul?
Thank you, Mr. Hogan.
Did he just say what...
No. I'm not...
[phone rings]
[rejects call]
[honky-tonk piano playing]
[gasps] You're here!
Anything for you, Livvy.
And the kids.
Of course.
Sister Mary, I'd like you
to meet Paul.
Sister Mary is our wonderful
fundraiser.
It's a great pleasure
to meet you, Mr. Dundee.
Oh. Pleasure to meet you too
Mary.
It's John. I need a favor.
["You're the One That I Want"
playing]
[All cheer wildly]
[Audience clapping in time]
[mouthing words]
[mouthing words]
[Audience] ♪ I got chills,
they're multiplyin'
♪ And I'm losing control
Lose control, baby!
[squeals]
♪ 'Cause the power you're
supplyin'
♪ It's electrifyin'
Where's Johnny?
[sings flatly]
♪ You'd better shape up
[booing]
♪ 'Cause I need a man
What the hell is this?!
♪ And my heart is set on you
Get off the damn stage!
♪ Shape up
Boo! You're not Johnny T!
♪ You'd better understand
You're ruining the show, man!
Where's Johnny T?!
I hate you!
Get off the damn stage,
popsicle!
♪ Nothing left for me to do
♪ You're the one that I want
Boo! God, get off the stage!
You're not the one that we want!
Where's Johnny T?!
Where's Johnny?!
Please calm down.
I'm sorry, Sister. You got
Jesus, we got Johnny!
We did not ask for this tragedy!
You have no idea how much
he loves Johnny!
Sister, you have Jesus,
we have Johnny!
[sobs] This is not...
Hey, don't cry, honey.
I'm gonna get up there
and kick the grease outta you!
Do something!
I'm doing it!
[All gasp]
[All exclaim]
[thump]
He's killed a nun!
[Man] He's killed a nun!
Oh, you're going to hell
now, buddy.
Burn! Burn in hell!
It's okay, babe.
She's alive!
[All exclaim]
She's alive!
[muted applause]
[booing, jeering]
[sighs]
Ow!
Ooh!
[groans]
No, no, no! I'm Luke!
I'm a wedding photographer!
I'm from Indiana!
And?
[pants] Um...
That's, uh...
That's all I got.
What was so interesting
up my tree?
Okay, look. [pants]
I, uh... I was
a wedding photographer.
Till I messed things up.
I went to the wrong wedding.
Oh, the other photographer
got so mad at me,
and then no-one would hire me.
But then my mom, she got me
a job at a magazine.
So, I go out, they ask me
to go get a photo of Eric Bana,
'cause he was visiting our town,
but I got confused.
I went and got a picture
of Eric Banana.
The fruit king. [laughs]
Do you know him?
He knows so much about fruit!
[laughs]
After that, my boss,
he just suggested
that I should just move far
away, you know, maybe to LA,
and become a...
freelance paparazzo.
Oh, great. That's what we need.
Another idiot taking photos
of me.
Actually, no, I'm trying to get
a photo of Kim Kardashian.
But, yeah, I can't find
where her house is.
She is so sneaky.
Anyway, I took the star tour
and we went past here.
Oh, so I'm still on the star
map, am I? [chuckles]
No. No, you're not.
But you know who is?
Bob Saget from Full House!
[laughs] He's, like,
your neighbor!
We all got out. We were taking
pictures of his place.
It was so awesome.
Yeah, and then I looked over
and I saw you.
You were, like, getting
your trash cans or something.
And I was like,
"Hey! That's Paul Hogan!"
And then the driver
was like, "No.
"No, that's not Paul Hogan.
He's dead."
He said that?
Yeah.
I'm glad you're not dead, Paul.
Look, uh... listen,
I don't want to do this. I'm...
It's just... you're the only
celebrity friend I have.
Do you know, maybe? Do you know
where Kim Kardashian lives?
Look, if you're looking
for celebrities,
go down to Melrose Avenue.
That's where they all hang out.
Okay. Okay.
Or you know what?
I could stay here.
No.
Aw!
No? It's fine. Okay.
Do you... What's the best way
to get to this Melrose?
Drive there.
Drive there? Got it.
I don't have a car.
Bloody hell.
You know what? That's fine.
That's fine. I can hitch.
[laughs] It works.
All right. So, I will do that.
I'll just get my... my stuff.
Ohh! [grunts]
It's... Whoo!
Don't worry about me.
It's not as heavy as it looks.
It's all good.
[Hogan] Uh...
That way.
Of course it is. [laughs]
Wish I would have
known that earlier.
This is not a backpack. Ohh!
All right, well, hey, it was
great meeting you, Paul.
Okay.
Did you say something?
I thought you said "aww."
I heard some "aww."
No. No. No.
I really wish we could hang out
longer.
But I gotta get going.
[whistling]
[tap-dancing]
[groans]
[Wayne] ♪ I'm your all! ♪
Though, the police vow
they will continue
to search for the Phantom
Valet,
claiming he has now stolen
upwards of 85 motor vehicles.
In other news, it was all the
talk of the BT Awards tonight
when ex-movie star Paul Hogan
got himself in
a lot of trouble.
Mr. Hogan, why are you here?
To help these unfortunate
little people.
And they need all the help
they can g...
I'm an ambassador for
Australia, Okay, for tourism,
but... to be honest...
you know, I...
...I've started telling people
I'm from New Zealand.
Yeah, I... I even married one.
You know? So...
Look, I don't know what
Hogan's problem is.
Uh, maybe he thinks it's funny,
I don't know.
But, you know, as with
Lightning Jack,
no-one else is laughing.
I was with some friends
the other night.
Mike Tyson, Mickey Rourke,
Charlie Sheen.
We all agreed
that no-one's fallen from grace
as hard as Paul Hogan.
It's embarrassing.
Is it the drugs?
[changes channel]
[phone chimes]
Oh, bummer.
Oh, well. You're happy here,
aren't you?
[Narrator] Australia.
There's no place like it.
I'll see you next week, Barry.
Not a lot of crocs
out here, huh?
Just 37,000 miles of pristine,
beautiful beach, mate.
Like I don't know that!
[dance music playing]
Alrighty, guys. Good morning.
You ready to feel the burn
in your legs and in your soul?
Let's go! G'day, man.
How are you, mate?
Ready, guys? Limber up
and get ready.
Kick! One. Two.
Three. Feel the burn.
Feel the pain.
It's gonna hurt. Not gonna lie.
[music continues outside]
[Chase] Bring in the energy.
[blows whistle]
Bit of this. Bit of that.
He teaches aerobics now?
Come on!
Squat! Squat!
Hey, Dad.
You want some breakfast?
Nah. Nah, I'm right. I got this.
Why don't you put your gear on
and come out?
[chuckles] Uh, yeah.
All right.
Hold. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
Pulse.
What do you reckon, guys?
[all applaud]
Very nice. Very, very nice.
[Angie] The woman is 81
years old and a nun.
I just need to know, why?
Ha!
She was annoying me.
She was annoying you?!
No!
Look, it was an accident.
Okay. So, just so I get this
right
when I call the palace,
you, um, threw a deadly snake
at a fifth-grade teacher,
insulted an African-American
superstar,
attempted to beat up
two children,
offended the entire
black community
and knocked out a nun?
What am I forgetting here?
Why are you calling the palace?
I'm calling the palace
to cancel the knighthood!
Before they find out about you
and do it for us.
Paul, I am trying
to get out of this
with a teeny-tiny amount
of dignity.
[Hogan chuckles]
Okay, what time is it
in London right now?
Uh, no. Don't call the palace.
Don't cancel the knighthood.
I promised Lucy.
Okay, fine. Fine.
I'm just... I'm amazed
that the media
hasn't picked up on this story
yet.
And thank God she's okay.
This woman, this, um, Sister...
Mary Murphy.
Mary Murphy.
And do you know why
the media hasn't picked up
on the story yet?
Because I have been up since 2am
calling every contact I know.
I...
Are you even listening to me?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
What are you... Hey!
I have been up all night
calling in favors,
a lot of which I am
really not proud of,
all so they wouldn't run
this story!
Oh, yeah. Look, I appreciate
that too.
But I was thinking, um,
why don't you try and get me
on some of the tonight shows?
What? No! No.
Forget the tonight shows.
They're not interested.
And, Paul, why do you want to
draw more attention to yourself?
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I will hold off
on calling the palace
if you agree to have lunch
with someone who is willing
to get you off the front pages.
Who?
A decent, respectable,
dignified man.
Oh. Some actor.
No, an acrobat. Yes, an actor!
Look, I don't want to have
lunch with some actor.
I don't have lunch with anybody.
Well, if you don't want me
to cancel the knighthood,
you're going.
I mean, he's willing
to sit down with you
and spend time to explain
what it's like to be respectful
and... and someone... who...
You're on TV right now,
aren't you?
How bad is it?
Uh...
Yeah, Okay, so, where am I gonna
have lunch with this guy?
Oh, God.
[jazz piano playing]
Paul!
Oh. Chevy.
Ah. Oh.
This is, uh, pretty nice.
Oh, yeah. Nice atmosphere,
great food.
Can I take...
Oh, my goodness!
Oh!
Lovely to meet you.
Oh! [giggles]
I just have to say,
watching you perform
on Saturday Night Live
made me want to become
a comedian. [giggles]
Oh. How's that working out
for you?
Well, I'm working here as
a waitress, so... not so great.
Well, it takes intense training.
But still, um... can I please
buy you a drink on the house?
Oh, that'd be lovely.
How about a glass, um...
Brown Brothers SMC?
Oh, I love it. I love it.
Paul, would you...
Yeah, I'll... I'll have
the same, thanks.
You are aware that is $40
a glass?
Sure.
You... do know who this is?
Yep.
Wow. You've really been through
the wars, haven't you?
[Chevy laughs]
Nah, it's fine. It's just,
my manager...
People ask me constantly,
how is it that I'm so loved
and adored?
And, you know, it's actually
quite easy.
How?
Just win an Oscar.
Ah.
Wh... what did you win
an Oscar for?
Caddyshack. First one.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
You win one of those suckers,
you can do just about anything.
Really?
[plate smashes]
Huh.
Are you okay, Mr. Chase?
Yes. You need to have these
fixed.
It just slid right off
the table.
Certainly.
I'll talk to the owner
about... gluing them on.
Um, listen. I was nominated
for an Academy Award once.
Really? What for?
Couldn't have been acting.
No offense.
It was for writing.
Best Screenplay.
Writing! Wow.
I didn't know that was still
a category.
What's next, Best Catering?
[chuckles]
Ooh! Excuse me, Mr. Chase.
I am so sorry to interrupt you,
but I just have to say,
you were hilarious
in The Three Amigos.
Whoa! Blew me away.
Oh, and European Vacation?
You are an amazing man!
Oh, come on, now.
You're being silly.
[giggles]
We're all just human beings.
I'm exactly like you.
Except for the Oscar.
You have an Oscar?
Maybe.
Mm-hm.
She's cute.
Yeah.
Chevy! Are we still on
for badminton?
Absolutely.
And, Paul. How are you?
Oh. I'm good.
Great.
We've actually been
meaning to call.
We've had a good think, and
whilst we know you're not keen,
if you'd just put on the hat
one last time,
we have a killer idea.
Oh.
[Barry] Dundee is angry.
Why is he angry?
Wait for it... His wife,
Sue, is dead.
Dead?
Eaten by a crocodile.
You want revenge.
You enlist the help of a
gorgeous young park ranger
and boom! New love interest.
Sounds great. Sounds great.
You want to know who plays
the gorgeous park ranger?
Rachel McAdams!
Wow!
As the love interest.
[Hogan] Rachel McAdams?
[chuckles] No.
Oh, come on. You don't like
Rachel McAdams?
I love Rachel McAdams.
She's great. Okay?
I'm bloody 80. She's, what, 30?
He does have a point.
He's right.
She's too old.
No, that's not what I'm...
Do you have the list
for High School Musical?
Yep.
Selena Gomez!
Emma Watson.
Abigail Breslin!
Yes!
[laughs]
No! No!
You know something?
You're actually being
very, very difficult.
Oh.
He does have a point.
Mr. Chase.
Paul.
Yeah. [chuckles]
Oh. So, yeah, thanks, Chevy.
Oh, look at the time. Um...
Yeah, I've got to leave, Chevy.
I've got an appointment.
Oh, really? Uh... Check, please.
Here. I'll fix it.
No, don't be silly.
Put that away. I've got this.
Are you sure?
Of course. My pleasure.
With everything you have going
on, it's the least I can do.
Yeah. Thanks.
Good to see you.
Thanks.
Uh, excuse me?
Was that Chevy Chase?
Yep.
[giggles] He's lovely!
Uh, is he lovely?
Oh, yeah, he's...
he's, uh, very nice. Yeah.
[Woman] I knew he would be.
Yep. [sighs]
I love that guy.
National Lampoon's Vacation.
Fantastic.
[Man] Oi! He didn't pay
for his wine!
[squeals]
[Hogan groans]
[Ryan on TV]: And that's all
from me, Ryan Elcar,
and the team here at LA Local.
Be sure to keep watching
throughout the evening
for regular updates,
and tune from 5am tomorrow
when Suzanne O'Reilly
takes you through what
you missed overnight...
[Chase] ♪ I gave my love
a cherry
♪ That had no stone
♪ I gave my love a chicken
♪ That had no bones
♪ I gave my love a story
♪ That had no end
♪ I gave my love a baby
♪ With no... ♪
Kid can sing.
[Man on TV]: Oh, yeah, I heard.
All right, look.
When I first heard about
the snake incident,
I was pretty upset,
'cause I thought
Paul Hogan was already dead.
He's been away so...
I have to go on stage
every time and,
"Is that a knife?
Is this not a knife?
"Is that a microphone?"
[Man] When asked about
their close friendship,
the Oscar-winner Gary Oldman
denied ever meeting
the troubled star...
Am I allowed to say
"[bleep]-wit"?
He's a [bleep...
[Woman] Though, John Travolta
refused to discuss Mr. Hogan.
No. No. That's a very dangerous
thing.
[Woman] However, he released
a statement:
"I don't care what he does,
"but the moment he stands
on stage with my Olivia
"and tries to destroy our
legacy, he's gone too far."
Hey. When did you learn
to play guitar?
A couple of weeks ago.
Course. [chuckles]
You should come out.
We're gonna have a barbie,
play some more tunes.
Okay.
Oh, I've got a Spanish lesson
at 8.
Make sure I don't forget,
all right?
You're learning
to speak Spanish?
No. Lo estoy enseñando.
I'm not. I'm teaching it.
[laughs] Of course you are.
[laughs]
TV: ..the little support
Paul Hogan did once have
has disappeared completely.
Dad, you know no-one thinks
this stuff, right?
I hope not.
[Reporter] ...gone off the
rails, right?
I don't care what anyone says.
I love him.
This is all right, though.
I know he's had
a lot of criticism...
Ooh. She loves you.
[Both chuckle]
[Chase] See? You'll be right.
You know, when I was a kid, I
used to hide under the blankets
when he wrestled those
crocodiles and snakes.
And what about Bindi and Paul?
I mean...
[Reporter] No...
No, you're talking about Steve
Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.
Who did you ask about?
[Reporter] Crocodile Dundee.
Paul Hogan.
Oh, him.
Yeah, he's a dickhead.
[Man] All right, all right,
let me tell you
what I think about
Mr. Paul Hogan...
[Lucy] Grandpa, have you
ever had anyone not like you?
[chuckles] Uh, oh, yeah, maybe
one or two people.
What did you do?
Well, nothing. You can't force
people to like you, love.
Yeah, I mean,
when I started on television,
one of my aunties
was saying to me,
"Ooh, you shouldn't say that
on television,"
or, "You shouldn't do this," or,
"You shouldn't look like that.
"People won't like you."
But, you know, some people
will like you, some won't.
It's... You just be yourself.
You mean I shouldn't let people
know you're my grandpa
because you've been
upsetting them forever?
[chuckles] Uh...
Yeah, oh, well,
it's probably the safest thing
just not to mention me.
[chuckles]
Listen, your mum said the new
school's a bit tough for you.
Yeah.
Oh, well, look, it's not easy
when you go to a new school,
but you'll be fine.
Yeah.
Listen.
I'm sorry if any of the stuff
that's been reported about me
makes it, uh...
a bit hard for you,
but, you know,
just don't worry about it.
You know, they make stuff up.
That's not what Mum says!
[giggles]
Oh, well... uh, Mum gets
confused sometimes.
But don't worry, Grandpa.
You're getting a knighthood.
That'll make up for all of it.
No-one can take that away.
Oh, I hope not. [chuckles]
Oh, I drew this.
Ooh, did you do that?
Oh, you're really talented
for a 19-year-old kid.
[chuckles] I'm not 19, I'm 9!
Oh, you can't be 9!
You're too smart.
Thanks. But I just wanted
to show you that.
[rattling outside]
I'd better go. The Wizard
awaits.
Oh. Yeah. Uh, how's that going?
How's that working out?
Pretty good. I can't wait
for you to watch me sometime.
Oh, I'd love to see it.
[rattling]
Bye, Pa.
Yeah.
Bye, sweetie. [hangs up]
Hey! I can see your foot
sticking out.
Come on, what are we doing?
Playing hide-and-seek?
[Luke] No, we're not.
So, what are you doing
here, mate?
Well... I couldn't find Melrose.
All right, let's get it over
with.
How much will you get
for a photo of me?
Oh. Like, a hundred bucks.
100 bucks?
Yeah. I mean, that's if I'm
lucky.
Oh. What about if I took my
shirt off
and I'm all sweaty, you know,
coming out of the gym
all pumped up and...
Ugh. No. Uh... 60, maybe?
Sixty?!
Mm-hm.
[sighs]
Okay. Um...
What about a photo of me
with Kim Kardashian?
Now we're talking!
That would be amazing.
I could get, like, 30 grand.
Maybe even more.
Well, I mean, that's just for
a photo of Kim, though.
Are you in it too?
Yeah.
Then it's, like, $120. Or less.
Oh!
Oh, don't worry.
I can crop you out of it.
I got an idea, Paul.
What if I, like, got photos of
you and, like, a new girlfriend?
No.
No, it could be good. It doesn't
have to be a girlfriend.
Maybe, like... a lover.
Forget about it.
We could set that up.
You know, I just met
a waitress at Denny's
and she was really into
Australians.
I was like, "Oh, I know
an Australian!"
All right, listen.
You don't have a car, do you?
Yeah, I... No, I don't.
Mmm. Okay.
Why?
Uh... No, I'd better not.
No, I promised my manager
I wouldn't get into
any more trouble.
Oh, oh, oh! Do the opposite!
Do whatever you said you
wouldn't do to your manager!
Do the opposite of that.
Let's do it! We'll do it
together! Paul, please!
Please! Please!
Oh...
So, where are we going?
We need to find stars.
Yeah, you know, like George
Clooney, Julia Roberts...
Kim Kardashian.
I, uh... I used to know
where Cary Grant lived.
Yeah, but, uh,
I think it's better
if we stick to celebrities
that are still alive.
Okay. Betty White?
Oh... I mean, she's good.
It's just...
What night is it?
Uh, Wednesday, I think.
Oh. Well, I know where they are.
Yeah?
[accelerates]
[siren chirps]
Oh.
[siren chirps]
Crap!
Oh. Well, don't panic.
It's just the police.
Yeah, but they've got big guns.
Yeah, but if you don't do
anything stupid, they're fine.
[Luke] What are you doing?
Just, uh... I'm just waiting
for them to...
...get, uh...
...out of the car.
Right!
[tires squeal]
[engine roars]
[siren wailing]
[horn honks]
Oh, I forgot. Do you guys want
mints or water or anything?
Uh... no, fine for now, John.
What?! No!
[tires squeal]
Listen, you gotta... you gotta
pull over, talk to them!
Uh, no, no. I can't. I don't
have my driver's license.
Well, then just tell them
you left it at home!
No, I don't have
a driving license.
Come to think of it, I don't
even know whose car this is.
What?! Come on!
John!
Get your camera out.
Why, so I can photograph
my own death?!
No, 'cause
just round this corner,
there's gonna be
a mother lode of celebrities.
Oh! Let's tap it. Let's tap!
Stephanie. Tell us
about your latest role.
She's a hard-nosed FBI agent
that needs
a lot of people killed.
Oh. How fun.
Yes. [chuckles]
Yeah.
[tires squeal]
No, no, no, no, no, no...!
Arggh! No!
Uh, there seems to be some kind
of disturbance happening.
Oh, this chase is getting
out of control.
Police are advising drivers
to avoid San Vicente Boulevard.
I never get tired
of searchlights.
Right, Luke, stay alert.
Kim Kardashian, two o'clock.
Can you slow down a bit?
I'm afraid
that won't be possible.
Oh, look. Brad Pitt.
Hey!
Did you get him?
No.
I nearly did.
Yeah, we noticed.
[horn honks]
[Man screams]
Uh-oh.
What was that?
I think it was Harvey Weinstein.
Mmm. Good.
[tires screech]
[Luke] Shit!
[engine revs]
[Reporter] And whilst I can't
make out who's driving,
that is certainly Paul Hogan
in the passenger seat.
Well, drivers are now
in a panic.
The chase has moved
to the other side of the road.
[cackles]
[tires squeal]
[engine idles]
Thanks, guys!
Don't forget to rate me.
Five stars.
[John cackles]
Hey, where's he going?!
[Hogan] Quick. Inside.
Hey, do you really think
that was Kim Kardashian?!
Just get inside the...!
Oh! Your place is gorgeous!
Come here!
You've got three garages?!
You've got three cars?
Or is it just storage?
Oh, a tennis court!
[helicopter whirs]
That's awesome!
I played tennis in high school.
I'm actually pretty good
for my size.
Oh, look at the size
of these doors!
Get in, get in!
[sirens approaching]
Whoa! Look at this place!
You've got chairs.
A coffee table.
A huge dining table.
You've got, like, eight pillows.
[Hogan] Look at that.
What's that wind?
Oh, you've got a pool!
You've got a TV!
[helicopter roars outside]
[Reporter on TV]:
...the speed of the chase.
[Woman] It was disgusting,
for heck's sake!
Oh, man!
Police are advising drivers
to avoid San Vicente Boulevard.
The car has now been abandoned
in a residential area.
LA people are so nuts!
[helicopter roars]
Paul, get in here!
You gotta check out the news!
Is that...
Yes, sadly, I believe
that is disgraced movie star
Paul Hogan.
In what can only be described
as a desperate cry for help,
it would appear the fallen icon
is now desperately trying
to relive his glory days.
[Luke] Paul!
Paul! Whoa!
This may be the saddest thing
this jaded old journalist
has ever seen.
Paul! Paul!
Paul, you're on the news! Look!
It appears a lady has run
from the house,
trying to plead with
the troubled Hogan.
Uh...
The lady is down.
The lady is down.
[jazzy music]
You got a light, buddy?
Yeah, sure, kid. There you go.
And your wallet.
Mickey, give him your wallet.
What for?
He's got a knife!
[laughs theatrically]
[big-band show tune playing]
♪ You wave that shiny
little thing in my face
♪ But, kid, your piece of
cutlery's a bloody disgrace
♪ You look at me as if
I should now run for my life
♪ But that's not a knife
♪ You think your little toy
is gonna fill me with dread
♪ But you should take that home
and file your toenails instead
♪ You're embarrassing yourself
in front of my future wife
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife
♪ You should turn away
from your life of crime
♪ Do something more worthwhile
with your time
♪ Buddy, why you lookin'
so deflated?
♪ Maybe 'cause your implement
is not serrated
♪ I can see you're not
the sharpest tool in the shed
♪ But I wouldn't use that
little thing to butter my bread
♪ Kid, if I were you,
I'd bloody run for my life
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife
♪ That's not a knife
♪ No, that's not a knife
♪ That's not a knife
♪ No, that's not a knife
♪ That's a knife
♪ Oh!
♪ Yes, that is a knife
♪ That is definitely a knife
♪ Remarkable sharpness
and purity
♪ How'd he get that
through airport security?
♪ I should be feeling
fear and loathing
♪ Scariest thing about you
is your choice of clothing
♪ Buddy, here's a little piece
of friendly advice
♪ Threatening people
on the street is not very nice
♪ So go sit somewhere quietly
and keep out of strife
♪ Then you won't need a knife
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife
♪ Yeah, that's not a knife
♪ That's the knife
[music recedes]
♪ So, keep sharpened up... ♪
[cell door clanks]
[Man] Hey, Hogan. You made bail.
Well, look, in my defense,
I had no idea we'd be trying
to escape from the cops
in a... televised
high-speed pursuit...
...with an unlicensed John
Cleese driving a stolen car.
[News presenter] It is
certainly
the story that won't go away
as disgraced racist nun-basher
and former Australian legend
Paul Hogan
implodes before our very eyes.
...Margot Robbie and Paul Hogan
becoming friends
while shooting that
Australian tourism commercial.
We have Margot
in our LA studio.
Margot, I want to start
by asking,
have you reached out to your
troubled friend at all?
[door closes, running footsteps]
[Man] Margot!
Margot?
[car drives off]
Margot Robbie in... in LA,
can you hear me?
She's, uh, gone, chief.
Margot?
[shouts] Margot!
[Man] ...with Hogan quickly
becoming a global punchline...
...Australia, the Flipper...
[speaks in Korean]
...and I can't believe
he hasn't been #MeToo'd yet.
When will his reign
of madness end?
And your old mate Paul Hogan...
What's going on there?
Does he need professional help?
I don't know.
There's not a great deal...
It doesn't bear
too much analysis.
I mean, this is
pretty silly stuff.
Yeah, fair, pretty silly,
but I've got to admit,
I'm actually surprised
by how funny he is.
And he's kind of
off the wall too.
I mean, there's recesses
in this guy's brain
that are kind of pretty wild.
I've got a joke for you, right?
What do you call the fastest
Australian in the world?
[Wayne] Paul!
The fastest what?
Australian.
Paul Ho-GUN!
Oh, wait. I've got one.
What does Paul say when
he'd like the escort to leave?
[Wayne whimpers]
Carol's here!
I don't know how she found me!
You haven't seen me!
Mate, your timing
couldn't be worse!
Just tell her
you haven't seen me.
I can't lie to Carol.
She's an angel.
No matter what she says,
you have no idea where I am!
Good luck!
[doorbell rings]
Shit! [sobs]
Please, God! Please!
Please! I beg you!
Oh, bloody hell!
Wait, I've got one. What do you
call Paul Hogan's latest movie?
I don't know.
Who cares?
Oh.
Oh. Oh, hi, Carol.
Hi, Paul. Uh, these are for you.
Oh, thank you.
Well, I thought it was
the least that I could do
with you having to put up with
him and all that noise.
Ah. Um, put up with what?
What?
With Wayne.
Wayne?
Where is he, Paul?
Uh, who?
Wayne.
Wayne?
Mmm.
Oh. Uh, uh... haven't seen him.
Really? Oh.
Yeah.
I...
Paul, I'm gonna need you
to be honest with me.
Oh, of course. Yeah.
Have you seen my husband?
Wayne? Uh...
...n-no. Uh...
Okay.
Um... I'm sorry.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Knowing Wayne, he's probably...
Sorry, sweetheart. [chuckles]
New-show jitters.
You know how I am.
Ah. Why, you lying little...
Oh, no, hey, but he told me...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.
Don't look at me.
No, you gave it away
the minute you opened the door.
You looked so guilty.
I am very disappointed with you.
[Wayne] That makes two of us.
Yeah, I read the press.
I was gonna leave anyway.
Oh, and I'd give that robe
a wash.
Yes. Oh, b-b-b-b... mwah!
[giggles]
Bye.
[Hogan] Uh...
[Wayne laughs]
[Reporter] One thing
that is safe to say
is the once loved Mr. Dundee
doesn't have a friend left
in the world.
Got a letter from the palace.
Oh.
Well... I guess we both know
what this says.
Yeah. I think so.
Oh. Dunno how
I'm gonna tell Lucy, though.
Yeah. Well, people are
just sort of... so angry at me.
I don't know what
I'm gonna tell my mom.
I wish my dad was here.
He'd know what to do.
Hey. You did a great job.
You were just, uh...
trying to manage a boofhead.
[chuckles]
Well, I was managing a
boofhead.
Yeah.
Gonna be okay?
Yeah.
You know...
...I've always wanted
to make something for kids.
You should.
Yeah. I'll find something.
I wasn't really much of
a manager anyway.
Nope.
[chicken squeaks]
[phone chimes]
[scoffs]
[jazz band playing]
Hello, Paul.
Oh.
I'm Ella.
Oh. I'm Paul.
[laughs] Hello.
Hello, Ella.
Hi.
Oh, goodness.
So, the others aren't here yet?
Uh, no.
[phone chimes]
Ooh. Sorry. Gosh.
That's me. How rude.
Sorry!
No, it's fine.
Oh, it's Livvy.
Um... Oh.
"Running late. Be there soon."
Uh-huh.
[clears throat] Right.
Do you get the feeling
this is a set-up?
I'm starting to, yes.
[Both chuckle]
Oh, dear. Ahem.
Oh, Livvy. I'll kill her.
[laughs]
Oh, I love your dress.
Uh... it's a top.
But thank you. [chuckles]
Of course it's a top.
Oh, my goodness. [laughs]
These things are always
awkward, aren't they?
What?
Dates.
Actually, I wouldn't know.
I haven't been on a date
since man walked on the moon.
[laughs]
Half a century ago.
[laughs] Goodness.
If you took you another
half-century to go on a date,
it must have been a bad one.
It was pretty bad, actually.
[laughs]
Well, anyway...
I'm... I'm glad you're here.
I'm glad too.
[plate smashes]
Oh, my goodness!
I think that's Chevy Chase.
[Chevy] Just slid
right off the table.
Course it's him.
He's pretty good.
He won an Academy Award.
Oh, really? Oh.
[Chevy] You need
to have these fixed.
I didn't know that.
Good evening.
Could I interest you in
our wine list this evening?
Oh, y-yes, please.
Certainly, sir.
Thank you.
Um... is it okay if I make
a tiny little confession?
Yeah.
I... may not be an innocent
bystander in all of this.
I might... have had
a conversation
with Olivia beforehand.
Oh. Yeah, I'll be having
a little chat to Olivia.
[both chuckle]
[Woman] He's got my keys!
Stop him! Somebody stop him!
Oh.
A-are you okay?
Yeah. Uh, back in a sec.
[heroic music]
Over there!
Stop him! Somebody stop him!
It's the Phantom Valet!
I know it is! Somebody stop him!
[cheering and applause]
I've still got it.
Not bad!
Like a scene
from the movie itself,
much loved Aussie star
Paul Hogan is back
and reminding us of
what he is truly made of.
However, the same cannot be
said for another comedy icon:
Chevy Chase,
whose downfall has begun
as he was dragged
from an LA eatery
for displacing condiments.
The troubled star was heard
to be screaming:
"But I won an Oscar!"
Wait. He won an Oscar?
[gentle guitar music playing]
♪ We cut through glaciers
And coastline by the afternoon
♪ Rivers cut through
The gorge ♪
♪ And the water's clean
And the water's smooth ♪
♪ See, I've been trying
To move along, move along ♪
♪ Concepting to keeping strong
For far too long ♪
♪ When all I had to do
Was rest my head... ♪
Your photos are amazing!
Oh. Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Uh-huh.
I can't believe
you've pulled this together.
To be honest...
I always thought
you wouldn't amount to much.
Thank you...
Mom.
♪ Oh-ho, that's in gold ♪
How'd he get the idea?
[Josh] He is a genius.
♪ And it doesn't
Feel right anymore ♪
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hey! How's it going back there?
Ah. All set.
It's pretty amazing
out here too.
I've never seen so much
privilege in one place.
Well, I hope your mum
fits right in.
She does.
Can you believe
they changed their minds?
Yeah. [chuckles]
Oh. Um, I'd better let you go.
Nah.
[Man] It is with tremendous
excitement and gratitude
that today we honor
Mr. Paul Hogan,
the star of Her Majesty's
favorite movie,
Crocodile Dundee III.
Unfortunately, Mr. Hogan
couldn't be here today,
as he had somewhere
important to be.
[music swells]
[music continues]
[inaudible dialogue]
♪ Oh-ho, it's in gold ♪
♪ See, I've been trying ♪
Thank you. [chuckles]
[music continues]
♪ And it doesn't
Feel right anymore ♪
And Paul Hogan is
back in the news
after failing to turn up to an
appearance on The Tonight Show.
Grandpa!
♪ On our own ♪
♪ We don't have to do this
On our own ♪
You made it!
Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't want to miss this.
Is it true?
Yeah, I'm really here.
But what about Chase?
♪ See, I've been trying
To hold on to this all alone ♪
And accepting
on Mr. Hogan's behalf,
Miss Angie Douglas.
[music continues]
[Police on radio]:
With the subject now,
heading eastward
towards the 405.
All officers, be warned,
it is John Cleese.
[whistles]
[music continues]
Hello!
Hi. Oh, you found the place.
[chuckles] Yeah. Great
directions.
Yeah.
[gasps] Hello!
He's a little sweetie, isn't he?
Hello! Oh, my goodness! Hi!
Oh, wow!
Paddy!
Oh, my goodness!
Hello, gorgeous!
Hello, g...
Oh, they're gorgeous.
What's her name? Oh, my heavens!
Paddy.
Hello, Paddy!
Wow!
Yeah.
How lucky are we?
Oh, it's so gorgeous here.
[Lucy] Come and play, Grandpa!
Oh, later, sweetheart.
I gotta have my power nap.
[giggles] Okay.
Okay.
[sighs]
Ah!
[Wayne] ♪ Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal
♪ Send me a kiss by wire
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire
♪ If you refuse me,
honey, you'll lose me
Oh, shit.
♪ Then you'll be left alone
♪ Oh, baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your own! ♪
[whistles]
♪ Got me feeling ♪
♪ Got me feeling good ♪
♪ All the rocky roads ♪
♪ Never felt so smooth ♪
♪ I will shake to left
And shake to the right ♪
♪ Shake it all day
Then I shake it all night ♪
♪ Got me feeling ♪
♪ Got me feeling good ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Got me feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
[knife rasps]
Now, that's a...
really dumb way to shave.
♪ Gotta cut off ♪
♪ All my troublesome blues ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Got me feeling like ♪
♪ I got nothing to lose ♪
♪ Hoo-hoo ♪
♪ I will shake to left
And shake to the right ♪
♪ Shake it all day
Then I shake it all night ♪
♪ Got me feeling ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Now, now, now ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You've got me feeling good
Got me feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ You've got me feeling good
Got me feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Yeah, you've got me
Feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Yeah, you've got me
Feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
[♪♪♪]
♪ You wave the shiny
Little thing in my face ♪
♪ But kid, your piece of
cutlery Is quite a disgrace ♪
♪ You look at me as if
I should now run for my life ♪
♪ But that's not a knife ♪
♪ You think your little toy
Is gonna fill me with dread ♪
♪ But you should take that home
File your toenails instead ♪
♪ You're embarrassing yourself
In front of my future wife ♪
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife ♪
♪ You should turn away
From your life of crime ♪
♪ Do something more worthwhile
With your time ♪
♪ Buddy, why you looking
So deflated?
♪ Maybe 'cause your implement
Is not serrated ♪
♪ I can see you're not
The sharpest tool in the shed ♪
♪ But I wouldn't use
That little thing ♪
♪ To butter my bread ♪
♪ Kid, if I were you
I'd bloody run for my life ♪
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife ♪
♪ No, that's not a knife ♪
♪ No, that's not a knife ♪
♪ That's a knife ♪
♪ Oh, yes, that is a knife ♪
♪ That is definitely a knife ♪
♪ That's a knife ♪
That's a knife.
[♪♪♪]
something.
[Hogan] Why have I
got to do something?
[Man] Because I don't
really like snakes!
[Hogan] I don't like 'em either.
Why don't we just
turn around and...
go back the way we came up?
'Cause everyone's watching.
Please. Mr. Dundee.
Oh...
Yeah, come on. Mr. Dundee.
[Man] Go, Dundee!
[Hogan] I'm not really
Crocodile Dundee, you know.
Just a character I play
in a movie.
He's being modest. That movie
was practically a documentary.
[Hogan] Shut up, Barney!
Stand back, everyone. Boys.
Oh. Shit.
Be careful.
[Barney] Here's a stick!
[stick whooshes]
He'll have that thing on the
barbecue tonight. [chuckles]
It's dead. [chuckles]
[laughs]
[Teacher] Um, yeah, not that
one.
Huh?
Could you get the other one?
The other one? Oh, is there...
Ooh, Jesus!
Shit.
Everything okay?
[snake hisses]
[screams]
[All clamoring]
Oops.
[screaming continues]
As hilarious reports
continue to surface of Paul
'Crocodile Dundee' Hogan's
ill-fated rendezvous
with a snake...
we ask where the Man from
Down Under has been hiding.
[Man] The one-time rigger
on the Sydney Harbor Bridge
first got his big break
on Australian talent show
New Faces.
[Woman] He instantly became
a household favorite,
and quickly, this everyman
went on to star
in his own sketch comedy
series, The Paul Hogan Show.
[Man] Dominating the Australian
ratings over a 14-year period
made 'Hoges' a household name
and introduced such iconic
characters as Arthur Dunger,
Luigi the Unbelievable
and stuntman extraordinaire
Leo Wanker.
The world beckoned,
and as Hoges fronted
Australia's most successful
tourism campaign,
we booked our flights and
flocked Down Under in droves.
It was then Hogan unleashed...
the most successful
independent film
in the history of cinema...
[Man] Crocodile Dundee.
[O'DELL] ...Crocodile Dundee,
of course.
[Woman] ...Crocodile Dundee.
That's not a knife.
That's a knife.
[Woman] The low-budget Aussie
comedy
went on to gross over $300
million worldwide
and saw Paul Hogan co-host
the 1987 Academy Awards
and made him one of the most
recognizable faces
on the planet and a national
treasure.
Growing up in Australia,
there was one name
that was... beyond an idol
in a way,
and I'm just gonna say
one word - Hoges.
[cheering and applause]
Hoges was your everyman.
Hoges was the Aussie
you wanted to be.
[O'Dell] In 1989 came Dundee II
and saw Hogan move
to live in the US.
[Frazier] More films were
to follow,
but all failed to capture
the same success
as Crocodile Dundee.
[Man] And almost overnight,
Hogan disappeared from
American screens.
And apart from a brief cameo
in a new Australian
tourism campaign...
...has rarely been seen again.
[Woman] If you want to know
what the notoriously private
star
has been up to these past
20 years,
your guess... is as good as
mine.
[Woman] What the hell was that?!
[Hogan] What?
You threw a snake at a
fifth-grade teacher
and hit her in the face!
Oh. Oh, she thought I was
the real Crocodile Dundee.
So you threw a snake at her?
Oh, no. That was an accident.
The bloody thing leapt at me.
Right. And yet she thought you
were the real Crocodile Dundee?
[laughs] Yeah. He probably
would have eaten it.
Paul, I hardly have any clients
left as it is.
Could you just please try
not to kill yourself?
Okay.
Thank you.
Uh, where are we going?
Oh. I have news.
Oh.
Yeah!
See this letter?
What?
Well, God knows why,
but apparently
the Queen of England wants to
bestow you with a knighthood.
[laughs]
What for?
For services to comedy.
Services! God! I don't want
a knighthood.
Well, you're getting one.
So this is serious?
Oh. Look at that.
There's that Dundee
impersonator.
[Hogan] Oh, he's still here.
[chuckles]
I hate it. You know, people keep
telling me he's strung out.
Photo with Mick Dundee?
Hey? Crocodile man?
[Hogan] They're all strung out.
Yeah, but he doesn't even
look like Dundee!
And apparently he's rude
to the kids
and then charges them
something like $5
just to take his picture.
Well, this is Hollywood
Boulevard.
They're all crooks.
Yeah, I know.
Oh, and, yes, this is very
serious.
Oh.
Oh, yeah. They want me
to appear in person.
Six weeks from now in London.
[laughs] I know!
How great is that?
[scoffs] I'm not going.
Wait. But... What? You are.
Wh-why would I go to...
I mean, I've been trying to
retire for the last 20 years.
I know.
[Hogan] You know me. I'm lazy.
I like to stay at home
and watch Ellen on TV
and do crossword puzzles.
But despite all that, it seems
the Queen is actually
quite the fan.
Oh.
[laughs] I know.
I'm not surprised.
I mean, come on, you put
Australia on the map.
You had the most successful
independent film
in history, Paul.
I mean, you've got to think
about your legacy.
My legacy?
Having a legacy is a beautiful
thing.
As your manager, I am telling
you, you've got to do this.
Oh, and in the meantime,
can you just try and
behave yourself?
Because, you know, the palace
hates any kind of...
controversy or trouble.
Hey, I never cause any
controversy or trouble.
You know... sometimes it...
just comes after me.
[Hogan] What are we doing here?
[Angie] Okay. Don't be mad.
But the studio really, really
wanted a meeting.
[Hogan] Angie, I've been
telling you for 20 years,
I don't want to do
another Dundee.
I know, but they've got some
really amazing casting news.
Seriously, I have never
heard the studio
this excited and bursting
with ideas.
So I told them we'd take
a meeting.
Oh, come on. Just do it for me?
Please?
Can we meet with them?
And then you can go home,
take a nap and watch Ellen.
[chuckles]
All right. Come on.
Okay. You know what? I can't go.
I've got to meet Mom.
But you go ahead.
You'll be great, trust me.
I'll call you later!
[starts engine] Love you!
[cackles]
Oh, look! Everyone,
there's Paul Hogan!
Hey.
Hey, Paul.
Kim Courtney. Pleasure.
Paul, it's an honor.
Thanks for coming in, Paul.
We heard you were very excited
to meet.
Uh... yeah.
Let me just start by saying
that we are huge fans
of the Crocodile Dundee movies.
And we want to bring him back.
We know you've been a little
resistant in the past,
but please, just hear us out.
We'd really love to see
Dundee...
come to Los Angeles.
[Hogan] Dundee in LA?
Exactly.
Like we did in Dundee III?
There was a Dundee III?
Are you sure?
Mmm, reasonably.
Here we go.
Drinks! Ha ha!
One sunrise kiss
with added kale.
Thank you.
Roland, blended oats
and chai supreme.
Ah. Thank you, Anton.
Ah, Josh.
Yes, siree.
Lemon and rocket essence.
Perfecto.
Now, Paul...
Uh, no, I'm...
I made you my favorite,
which is a cleansing blend
of mint, goat's milk,
activated walnuts and baby
spinach with agave syrup.
Ooh!
Agave syrup!
Yeah. Thanks.
[Kim] Take a sip.
[Roland] Yeah, yeah. Drink.
Sip.
[Kim] Come on.
Hmm? Hmm?
It's good, huh?
Yeah. There it is.
[laughter]
Anton!
Okay. Let's forget the location.
We want to introduce your son.
A Dundee Jr.
You know, someone who shares all
of your qualities and attributes
but who can bring the franchise
forward
for a younger, new generation.
Yeah, well, we've already been
down that road,
and it, um... didn't sort of
work.
Yes. But this time, we have
just the actor.
He's A-list, he is charming,
funny as hell...
A little bit cute.
He is perfect.
And a massive, massive fan.
So, without any further ado,
to play your son...
Will Smith!
[Others laugh]
Will...
Smith!
Look at him! Oh, he can't
believe it!
Believe it, Paul!
He wants to play your son!
Yeah!
Yeah, but...
Okay. We know what you're
thinking.
He's too old.
No, that's not what I'm
thinking.
But he's just turned 50
and he looks great.
Yeah, I'm sure, yeah, but...
What? He's American?
He's fantastic with accents.
We'll get him a voice coach.
But that's... not the problem.
It's just that he's...
Hey, Barry!
Ah! We got Paul Hogan here!
We're just discussing
the Dundee casting.
My man! Crocodile Dundee!
[Hogan] Hey, Barry.
Sorry, Paul. You were saying?
Well, it just doesn't
make sense.
It's just that he's...
Hey, Kyle!
Yes?
Bring that thing in here.
[Kyle] For sure.
So we can show our excitement.
[All] Ah!
[Kim] Oh, great! Perfect!
Perfect timing.
[Barry] It's a crocodile.
[chuckles]
Sorry, Paul, you were saying?
Oh, yeah, well...
You don't seem too sure
about Will... What is it?
You can tell us.
Mmm.
Be honest. Is... is it height?
No...
His build?
No...
What, his hair color?
Closer.
His acting?
No, I... I love Will Smith.
I think he's fabulous.
He's great. But, um...
What?
What is it, Paul?
He's black.
[seat squeaks]
You did what?
I didn't do anything!
Paul, not more than
20 minutes ago,
I told you to behave yourself,
and now you suddenly decide
to become a racist?
Racist? Oh, rubbish!
They said you said you didn't
like Will Smith
because he was black.
No! I just said it makes
no sense
that me and the equally white
Sue Charlton
have an African-American son.
God, Paul! You can't say that!
Oh, I'm fairly sure I already
did.
Now I know why my dad always
wanted to quit managing you.
He never wanted to quit.
Paul?
Um, what do you say
we just keep this Will Smith
stuff to ourselves, huh?
And you just try and behave.
I'll try.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh... God!
[door opens]
[dog whines softly]
[door closes]
Paddy?
[whimpers]
[chuckles] You want your dinner,
don't you?
[whines]
Here it comes.
[chuckles]
[dance music playing
in distance]
♪ Like you want to go ♪
♪ Baby, it's the time ♪
♪ I can make you mine... ♪
[music thumps inside]
Hey, Dad.
Oh, hey, mate.
How's your day been?
Yeah, it's good, it's good.
Not too bad. How about you?
Mmm... not bad.
Listen, do you want any dinner?
Oh, I'm all right. I had a bite
earlier, actually, so...
Oh, well... Oop.
[Woman] Hi.
Hello. Hi.
Hi.
Good to see you.
These are... they're my friends.
Yeah.
Um, there's some ice-cream
left down there.
You want me to leave you a bit?
You know what? I'm good,
actually, Dad.
But I might grab some
in a bit, eh?
Okay.
Why don't you come in for a sec?
Well, I'd love to, but, um...
you know, it's a bit late for
me.
Sure.
Yeah. I'll leave you.
I love you, Dad.
Good to see you.
Love you.
See you.
[O'Dell] As excitement builds
for Alf: The Musical,
which opens on Broadway
next week.
[Frazier] Meanwhile, at the
domestic box office,
Father-in-Law spent its second
week at number one,
making Pauly Shore's return
to the top now complete.
Welcome back, Pauly.
[Frazier] Yeah, indeed.
[O'Dell] All right, finally,
the excitement
of Paul Hogan returning to
the public eye was short-lived,
with some now asking
whether the Australian actor
threw the snake as a publicity
stunt
in a vain attempt to
reinvigorate his acting career.
His acting career? [chuckles]
I think you're being too kind.
[phone rings]
Hi, Grandpa!
Oh, Lucy! How are you, love?
What time is it over there?
Not sure, but early. I've got
rehearsals before school today.
Oh? What's that for?
I'm doing the school play.
The Wizard of Oz.
Well, today is my first day.
You should come and watch!
Oh, I'd love to, kid, but, um...
it's too far away.
Mum said you've been
getting in trouble.
[Hogan] Who, me?
[Lucy giggles] You!
[Hogan] Nah. She's probably
getting
confused with someone else.
Oh. [sighs] I wish you'd
come back home, Grandpa.
Oh, believe me, kiddo, I'd be
back there in a heartbeat
if I thought my poor old dog
Paddy could handle the flight.
Especially now that Chase is
doing so well over here.
Yeah. I've heard about
Uncle Chase. [chuckles]
[laughs] Yeah! Never ceases
to amaze me, that kid.
I think he's running a nightclub
out of his bedroom.
[Lucy giggles]
So, how's the new school going?
It's okay.
Made any new friends?
Grandpa?
Yeah?
I love you.
Oh, I love you too, sweetie.
I'd better get going. Bye!
[Man] Valet?
Oh, yeah.
Kimmel had a good one on you.
Oh, yeah, and Colbert. He did
a good five minutes on you.
Great.
For somebody who just wants
a quiet life and to be
left alone,
you're not doing a very
good job of it.
Nah, I'm not, am I?
Hey, talk is you're now
taking to hate crimes.
What next, the Klan?
The studio! They wanted Will
Smith to play Dundee Jr!
Will Smith?
Yeah!
That's ridiculous!
I know!
I'll play Dundee.
What, you thought I'd retired?
I did Die Hard, for Chrissakes!
I know.
People love me!
I know.
[Man] Yo! Where's Urkel?!
I did that too.
Yeah, I know! [laughs]
[Latin band playing]
[laughs] Come on.
[gasps] Paul! Hi!
Oh, Livvy! Hi!
All right, see you.
[laughs] Good to see you!
Oh, lovely!
Oh, you know Reggie.
Of course I do.
How are you? Nice to see you.
I was just thinking about you
the other day.
Oh, really?
Yeah. I was thinking we haven't
seen each other for a long time
and it's time we caught up.
Yeah. That'd be great.
Yeah. I've got a girlfriend
coming
to visit from home, Ella,
in a couple of weeks.
I thought that'd be
a great time.
Yeah.
You know, I was just saying
that he needs a woman.
Perfect!
So, um, what are you two guys
doing next Tuesday night?
Tuesday? Um...
Yeah, I'm doing this charity
thingy at my neighbor's school
and it's gonna be a lot of fun.
You should come.
Oh. Yeah.
John said he might come along,
sing a couple of songs with me
from Grease.
And there's gonna be, like,
face painting and art stalls
and a barbie. You'll fit right
in.
Oh. [chuckles] Yeah. Yeah.
Oh. Oh! Tuesday.
Yeah, well, see, Tuesday,
I've got, um...
Pity... oh, pity it wasn't
Wednesday.
You know, 'cause if it had
been Wednesday,
I'd have been there with
bells on.
Yeah.
Hold on!
I think it is Wednesday!
Oh. [chuckles]
It is Wednesday. That's great.
You can come.
Perfect.
But look. Here's a flyer.
It's all about helping kids
who can't help themselves.
Oh. I think it'll be great
you can go.
After all of the bad press,
being seen at some charity event
is exactly what you need.
Thanks.
And, uh, maybe afterwards,
we can take a selfie
and remind the world
how much we love you.
Oh, yeah.
[Reggie laughs]
[Olivia] Yeah.
Everything all right, sir?
Oh, yeah. Just looking for
the valet.
We don't have a valet.
This is a supermarket.
[groans]
[♪♪♪]
Hey, no. No filming unless
you've got money. Come on.
What have you got? You got $5?
Or any coins or anything?
Oh, yeah, I grew this after
the movie. I'm the real guy.
You want a photo?
Who are you meant to be?
Huh? Better than Batman, hey?
Why don't you try picking on
someone your own size?
Oh, go away, grandad!
Oh, come on!
What?
Well, at least stop being rude
to the kids, Okay?
Oh, wow! I thought you were
dead!
Well, I'm not, shit-for-brains.
Oh! [chuckles] Okay.
"Look out! He's got a knife!"
Oh, yes. You have a knife,
but mine's bigger.
[young couple laugh]
So, you want a photo? Come on!
That's not the line!
Yeah, it is.
No, it's not!
It's not the line!
I've been doing this
for 20 years. I think I'd know.
[scoffs] What?!
Go away. You're bad
for my business.
I am your business!
[laughs] Yeah, right!
Hi. Uh...
I would love to take the photo?
Oh. Okay.
Yes?
Oh, just...
Okay. Okay.
Yeah. Come here. Okay.
Come on!
There you go.
[camera clicks]
Oh!
[Woman] Thank you.
I'll show her my knife later.
Hey?
You are such a sack of shit.
[chuckles] Come on, boys! Hey?
Ha!
That's it!
Oh, Wally! That's my boys! Yes!
Yeah! How's that for the real
thing? That's it!
[cameras click]
[growls]
[Boys yell, punch]
Crocodile Dundee star
Paul Hogan
tried to strangle a child today
when what was seemingly
a child's innocent request
for a photo
enraged the obviously
troubled star.
[Hogan] Oh! You little mongrel!
[groans]
I'll rip your little head off!
[Newsreader] Several onlookers,
including Dorothy Springborg
from Delaware,
were almost caught up
in the brawl.
It was disgusting.
These were innocent children,
for heck's sake!
Um... oh, well, it wasn't as bad
as I thought.
I... don't even feel like
I know you anymore.
I can't even look at you!
I know. If you're worried
about it,
book me on one of them
tonight shows.
Book you on one of those
tonight shows?
I mean, apart from
being a punchline
in their monologues lately,
they're not gonna have you
on their show!
God!
All right, well, what about
Ellen?
No! And you've killed any
chance of the knighthood.
I mean, Paul, what were
you thinking?!
I don't care about a knighthood.
But I do, Paul. I do.
I thought we were meeting
the Queen. And you agreed.
No, no. I never agreed
to any knighthood.
But I told them that you did!
Well, tell 'em I didn't.
Seriously? You want me
to cancel the knighthood?
Absolutely.
Want me to call the palace?
Yeah, call it right now.
And tell them no?
Yep.
[phone rings]
Uh-huh. Oh, hang on.
I don't know why I bother.
I wish you wouldn't.
[door opens]
Oi. You out of bread.
I wonder why.
Oh, hi, sweetie.
Grandpa, are you getting
a knighthood?
Uh...
'Cause Mum said you were,
and I told some kids
at my new school you were,
and they laughed and said
I'm a liar.
I'm not a liar, am I, Grandpa?
No. You're not a liar.
You are getting a knighthood?
Uh... y... uh, yeah,
services to comedy.
Yes! I knew it! Bye, Pa!
Bye, love.
[hangs up]
Oh, what a web we weave!
[door opens]
Ha. Just called the palace.
They're really not happy.
[chuckles]
Oh. Uh, see, here's the thing...
No.
You'll have to call 'em back.
No!
Well, Lucy thinks
I'm getting it.
I'm gonna look like an idiot!
Well, she told the kids
at school.
They'll get over it.
No, they won't.
It's a new school.
She's trying to make friends.
It's not happening.
What about my, uh, legacy?
You know, uh... put Australia
on the map, had a TV show...
Oh, and you always good
with the ladies!
Good with the la... ladies.
Okay, fine! I will call them.
But I am telling them
you're an idiot.
Great. Great. Love ya!
Wow.
Is two o'clock. Is time
for your siesta.
Come on, Paddy. Help me cut
the grass.
Ah.
[doorbell rings]
Oh.
Wayne?
I need somewhere to stay.
Carol is driving me crazy!
She keeps saying I'm too loud!
Too loud?
Yeah!
And... and... and the kids
are crying.
Crying? Uh...
I just need someplace quiet.
For a couple of days.
Uh... it's not really
a good time...
Well, you won't even know
I'm here!
I start rehearsals
on Broadway soon!
I-I need to practice.
Oh, oh, oh, oh!
If Carol asks...
you haven't seen me. Yeah?
[grunts]
Ahh.
[piano playing]
[Wayne] ♪ Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal
♪ Send me a kiss by wire
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire
♪ If you refuse me,
honey, you'll lose me
♪ Then you'll be left alone
♪ Oh, baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your own! ♪
[silence]
[piano playing]
♪ Hello, my baby
[tap-dances]
♪ Hello, my ragtime
♪ Send me a kiss
[Hogan groans]
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire... ♪
[laughs] Wait. So he sings?
Yeah. And he also tap-dances.
Oh.
Evidently.
Cop it.
♪ Send me a kiss by wire
Baby, my heart's... ♪
Paul, you have three showers.
Why is he using your ensuite?
Oh, he said the acoustics
are better in my bathroom.
Oh, what time is
the Olivia thing?
Oh. That's now.
You know, I am so glad
you're doing this.
And I really think people
are starting to forget
that you threw a snake
at those bystanders.
And that you tried to beat up
those kids.
And the Will Smith thing.
But I honestly think it's
almost all behind us.
So it's the perfect time to be
seen with the lovely Livvy
doing something for the kids.
Oh, yeah, that'll be fun.
Oh, do you want me to organize
a lift for you or something?
Oh, no, I've booked a car.
Thanks.
Okay.
Oh, and Paul, I'm really sorry
I've been so crazy about this
whole knighthood thing.
I am just so proud of you
and the fact that I...
Oh, there's my car now.
get to be there with you...
I'd better go.
Hey, uh, give my love
to your mum.
[sighs] Rude!
Paul!
John?
Mint?
Oh, uh, no, thanks.
Is the air all right?
Oh, yeah, excellent, John.
Good. Oh. Bottle of water?
Oh, yes. Thank you.
Yeah, I love it.
You know, I don't get stuck
behind a desk, I'm my own boss,
I get to meet interesting
people,
and, uh... let's face it,
these days,
romantic leads for 79-year-old
actors are few and far between.
Mm-hm.
Tch! Hollywood!
You'd know all about that, eh?
Yes, I...
[honks horn] You steaming turd!
Um...
Hmm?
I don't mean to be nosy,
but, uh...
you know, you're happy
driving and everything.
Uh... what happened after
all your success? I...
Oh, the money. Uh, well,
you know, alimony.
Oh.
Parties.
Drugs. [chuckles] Gambling.
Hookers. [laughs]
Prostitutes. Ladies of the
night.
No, no, I'm being silly.
I never gamble.
All right, here we are.
[cheering and applause]
Huh. It looks bigger
than I thought.
♪ When you're facing
All kinds of trouble ♪
Just hang on a sec.
[sighs] "A charity concert
for disadvantaged children."
Ah. "Helping kids who can't
help themselves."
Thanks, Johnno.
Okay.
Mr. Hogan.
Why are you here?
Oh, Olivia asked me to come.
But... why here?
Oh, to help. To help these
unfortunate little people.
And they need all the help
they can get. You know?
I mean, they've had a raw deal
out of life,
and... it's up to us
to try and help 'em.
Mm-hm.
♪ Give it up ♪
♪ La, la, la, la, la, la ♪
[Reporter] Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.
I don't pity them.
They're having a little,
uh... concert in here tonight,
and some of 'em are gonna
get up and try and sing.
Try and sing?
Okay...
Oh, my pl... my pleasure.
Uh, Mr. Hogan, do you mind
clarifying some of
your comments tonight?
Oh, it's pretty simple.
I'm here to help those
less fortunate than I am
and, um... help them
in any way I can.
"Help"?
Yeah.
You're trying to help?
Yeah.
Paul?
Thank you, Mr. Hogan.
Did he just say what...
No. I'm not...
[phone rings]
[rejects call]
[honky-tonk piano playing]
[gasps] You're here!
Anything for you, Livvy.
And the kids.
Of course.
Sister Mary, I'd like you
to meet Paul.
Sister Mary is our wonderful
fundraiser.
It's a great pleasure
to meet you, Mr. Dundee.
Oh. Pleasure to meet you too
Mary.
It's John. I need a favor.
["You're the One That I Want"
playing]
[All cheer wildly]
[Audience clapping in time]
[mouthing words]
[mouthing words]
[Audience] ♪ I got chills,
they're multiplyin'
♪ And I'm losing control
Lose control, baby!
[squeals]
♪ 'Cause the power you're
supplyin'
♪ It's electrifyin'
Where's Johnny?
[sings flatly]
♪ You'd better shape up
[booing]
♪ 'Cause I need a man
What the hell is this?!
♪ And my heart is set on you
Get off the damn stage!
♪ Shape up
Boo! You're not Johnny T!
♪ You'd better understand
You're ruining the show, man!
Where's Johnny T?!
I hate you!
Get off the damn stage,
popsicle!
♪ Nothing left for me to do
♪ You're the one that I want
Boo! God, get off the stage!
You're not the one that we want!
Where's Johnny T?!
Where's Johnny?!
Please calm down.
I'm sorry, Sister. You got
Jesus, we got Johnny!
We did not ask for this tragedy!
You have no idea how much
he loves Johnny!
Sister, you have Jesus,
we have Johnny!
[sobs] This is not...
Hey, don't cry, honey.
I'm gonna get up there
and kick the grease outta you!
Do something!
I'm doing it!
[All gasp]
[All exclaim]
[thump]
He's killed a nun!
[Man] He's killed a nun!
Oh, you're going to hell
now, buddy.
Burn! Burn in hell!
It's okay, babe.
She's alive!
[All exclaim]
She's alive!
[muted applause]
[booing, jeering]
[sighs]
Ow!
Ooh!
[groans]
No, no, no! I'm Luke!
I'm a wedding photographer!
I'm from Indiana!
And?
[pants] Um...
That's, uh...
That's all I got.
What was so interesting
up my tree?
Okay, look. [pants]
I, uh... I was
a wedding photographer.
Till I messed things up.
I went to the wrong wedding.
Oh, the other photographer
got so mad at me,
and then no-one would hire me.
But then my mom, she got me
a job at a magazine.
So, I go out, they ask me
to go get a photo of Eric Bana,
'cause he was visiting our town,
but I got confused.
I went and got a picture
of Eric Banana.
The fruit king. [laughs]
Do you know him?
He knows so much about fruit!
[laughs]
After that, my boss,
he just suggested
that I should just move far
away, you know, maybe to LA,
and become a...
freelance paparazzo.
Oh, great. That's what we need.
Another idiot taking photos
of me.
Actually, no, I'm trying to get
a photo of Kim Kardashian.
But, yeah, I can't find
where her house is.
She is so sneaky.
Anyway, I took the star tour
and we went past here.
Oh, so I'm still on the star
map, am I? [chuckles]
No. No, you're not.
But you know who is?
Bob Saget from Full House!
[laughs] He's, like,
your neighbor!
We all got out. We were taking
pictures of his place.
It was so awesome.
Yeah, and then I looked over
and I saw you.
You were, like, getting
your trash cans or something.
And I was like,
"Hey! That's Paul Hogan!"
And then the driver
was like, "No.
"No, that's not Paul Hogan.
He's dead."
He said that?
Yeah.
I'm glad you're not dead, Paul.
Look, uh... listen,
I don't want to do this. I'm...
It's just... you're the only
celebrity friend I have.
Do you know, maybe? Do you know
where Kim Kardashian lives?
Look, if you're looking
for celebrities,
go down to Melrose Avenue.
That's where they all hang out.
Okay. Okay.
Or you know what?
I could stay here.
No.
Aw!
No? It's fine. Okay.
Do you... What's the best way
to get to this Melrose?
Drive there.
Drive there? Got it.
I don't have a car.
Bloody hell.
You know what? That's fine.
That's fine. I can hitch.
[laughs] It works.
All right. So, I will do that.
I'll just get my... my stuff.
Ohh! [grunts]
It's... Whoo!
Don't worry about me.
It's not as heavy as it looks.
It's all good.
[Hogan] Uh...
That way.
Of course it is. [laughs]
Wish I would have
known that earlier.
This is not a backpack. Ohh!
All right, well, hey, it was
great meeting you, Paul.
Okay.
Did you say something?
I thought you said "aww."
I heard some "aww."
No. No. No.
I really wish we could hang out
longer.
But I gotta get going.
[whistling]
[tap-dancing]
[groans]
[Wayne] ♪ I'm your all! ♪
Though, the police vow
they will continue
to search for the Phantom
Valet,
claiming he has now stolen
upwards of 85 motor vehicles.
In other news, it was all the
talk of the BT Awards tonight
when ex-movie star Paul Hogan
got himself in
a lot of trouble.
Mr. Hogan, why are you here?
To help these unfortunate
little people.
And they need all the help
they can g...
I'm an ambassador for
Australia, Okay, for tourism,
but... to be honest...
you know, I...
...I've started telling people
I'm from New Zealand.
Yeah, I... I even married one.
You know? So...
Look, I don't know what
Hogan's problem is.
Uh, maybe he thinks it's funny,
I don't know.
But, you know, as with
Lightning Jack,
no-one else is laughing.
I was with some friends
the other night.
Mike Tyson, Mickey Rourke,
Charlie Sheen.
We all agreed
that no-one's fallen from grace
as hard as Paul Hogan.
It's embarrassing.
Is it the drugs?
[changes channel]
[phone chimes]
Oh, bummer.
Oh, well. You're happy here,
aren't you?
[Narrator] Australia.
There's no place like it.
I'll see you next week, Barry.
Not a lot of crocs
out here, huh?
Just 37,000 miles of pristine,
beautiful beach, mate.
Like I don't know that!
[dance music playing]
Alrighty, guys. Good morning.
You ready to feel the burn
in your legs and in your soul?
Let's go! G'day, man.
How are you, mate?
Ready, guys? Limber up
and get ready.
Kick! One. Two.
Three. Feel the burn.
Feel the pain.
It's gonna hurt. Not gonna lie.
[music continues outside]
[Chase] Bring in the energy.
[blows whistle]
Bit of this. Bit of that.
He teaches aerobics now?
Come on!
Squat! Squat!
Hey, Dad.
You want some breakfast?
Nah. Nah, I'm right. I got this.
Why don't you put your gear on
and come out?
[chuckles] Uh, yeah.
All right.
Hold. Pulse. Pulse. Pulse.
Pulse.
What do you reckon, guys?
[all applaud]
Very nice. Very, very nice.
[Angie] The woman is 81
years old and a nun.
I just need to know, why?
Ha!
She was annoying me.
She was annoying you?!
No!
Look, it was an accident.
Okay. So, just so I get this
right
when I call the palace,
you, um, threw a deadly snake
at a fifth-grade teacher,
insulted an African-American
superstar,
attempted to beat up
two children,
offended the entire
black community
and knocked out a nun?
What am I forgetting here?
Why are you calling the palace?
I'm calling the palace
to cancel the knighthood!
Before they find out about you
and do it for us.
Paul, I am trying
to get out of this
with a teeny-tiny amount
of dignity.
[Hogan chuckles]
Okay, what time is it
in London right now?
Uh, no. Don't call the palace.
Don't cancel the knighthood.
I promised Lucy.
Okay, fine. Fine.
I'm just... I'm amazed
that the media
hasn't picked up on this story
yet.
And thank God she's okay.
This woman, this, um, Sister...
Mary Murphy.
Mary Murphy.
And do you know why
the media hasn't picked up
on the story yet?
Because I have been up since 2am
calling every contact I know.
I...
Are you even listening to me?
Yeah. Yeah, sure.
What are you... Hey!
I have been up all night
calling in favors,
a lot of which I am
really not proud of,
all so they wouldn't run
this story!
Oh, yeah. Look, I appreciate
that too.
But I was thinking, um,
why don't you try and get me
on some of the tonight shows?
What? No! No.
Forget the tonight shows.
They're not interested.
And, Paul, why do you want to
draw more attention to yourself?
Okay, I'll tell you what.
I will hold off
on calling the palace
if you agree to have lunch
with someone who is willing
to get you off the front pages.
Who?
A decent, respectable,
dignified man.
Oh. Some actor.
No, an acrobat. Yes, an actor!
Look, I don't want to have
lunch with some actor.
I don't have lunch with anybody.
Well, if you don't want me
to cancel the knighthood,
you're going.
I mean, he's willing
to sit down with you
and spend time to explain
what it's like to be respectful
and... and someone... who...
You're on TV right now,
aren't you?
How bad is it?
Uh...
Yeah, Okay, so, where am I gonna
have lunch with this guy?
Oh, God.
[jazz piano playing]
Paul!
Oh. Chevy.
Ah. Oh.
This is, uh, pretty nice.
Oh, yeah. Nice atmosphere,
great food.
Can I take...
Oh, my goodness!
Oh!
Lovely to meet you.
Oh! [giggles]
I just have to say,
watching you perform
on Saturday Night Live
made me want to become
a comedian. [giggles]
Oh. How's that working out
for you?
Well, I'm working here as
a waitress, so... not so great.
Well, it takes intense training.
But still, um... can I please
buy you a drink on the house?
Oh, that'd be lovely.
How about a glass, um...
Brown Brothers SMC?
Oh, I love it. I love it.
Paul, would you...
Yeah, I'll... I'll have
the same, thanks.
You are aware that is $40
a glass?
Sure.
You... do know who this is?
Yep.
Wow. You've really been through
the wars, haven't you?
[Chevy laughs]
Nah, it's fine. It's just,
my manager...
People ask me constantly,
how is it that I'm so loved
and adored?
And, you know, it's actually
quite easy.
How?
Just win an Oscar.
Ah.
Wh... what did you win
an Oscar for?
Caddyshack. First one.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
You win one of those suckers,
you can do just about anything.
Really?
[plate smashes]
Huh.
Are you okay, Mr. Chase?
Yes. You need to have these
fixed.
It just slid right off
the table.
Certainly.
I'll talk to the owner
about... gluing them on.
Um, listen. I was nominated
for an Academy Award once.
Really? What for?
Couldn't have been acting.
No offense.
It was for writing.
Best Screenplay.
Writing! Wow.
I didn't know that was still
a category.
What's next, Best Catering?
[chuckles]
Ooh! Excuse me, Mr. Chase.
I am so sorry to interrupt you,
but I just have to say,
you were hilarious
in The Three Amigos.
Whoa! Blew me away.
Oh, and European Vacation?
You are an amazing man!
Oh, come on, now.
You're being silly.
[giggles]
We're all just human beings.
I'm exactly like you.
Except for the Oscar.
You have an Oscar?
Maybe.
Mm-hm.
She's cute.
Yeah.
Chevy! Are we still on
for badminton?
Absolutely.
And, Paul. How are you?
Oh. I'm good.
Great.
We've actually been
meaning to call.
We've had a good think, and
whilst we know you're not keen,
if you'd just put on the hat
one last time,
we have a killer idea.
Oh.
[Barry] Dundee is angry.
Why is he angry?
Wait for it... His wife,
Sue, is dead.
Dead?
Eaten by a crocodile.
You want revenge.
You enlist the help of a
gorgeous young park ranger
and boom! New love interest.
Sounds great. Sounds great.
You want to know who plays
the gorgeous park ranger?
Rachel McAdams!
Wow!
As the love interest.
[Hogan] Rachel McAdams?
[chuckles] No.
Oh, come on. You don't like
Rachel McAdams?
I love Rachel McAdams.
She's great. Okay?
I'm bloody 80. She's, what, 30?
He does have a point.
He's right.
She's too old.
No, that's not what I'm...
Do you have the list
for High School Musical?
Yep.
Selena Gomez!
Emma Watson.
Abigail Breslin!
Yes!
[laughs]
No! No!
You know something?
You're actually being
very, very difficult.
Oh.
He does have a point.
Mr. Chase.
Paul.
Yeah. [chuckles]
Oh. So, yeah, thanks, Chevy.
Oh, look at the time. Um...
Yeah, I've got to leave, Chevy.
I've got an appointment.
Oh, really? Uh... Check, please.
Here. I'll fix it.
No, don't be silly.
Put that away. I've got this.
Are you sure?
Of course. My pleasure.
With everything you have going
on, it's the least I can do.
Yeah. Thanks.
Good to see you.
Thanks.
Uh, excuse me?
Was that Chevy Chase?
Yep.
[giggles] He's lovely!
Uh, is he lovely?
Oh, yeah, he's...
he's, uh, very nice. Yeah.
[Woman] I knew he would be.
Yep. [sighs]
I love that guy.
National Lampoon's Vacation.
Fantastic.
[Man] Oi! He didn't pay
for his wine!
[squeals]
[Hogan groans]
[Ryan on TV]: And that's all
from me, Ryan Elcar,
and the team here at LA Local.
Be sure to keep watching
throughout the evening
for regular updates,
and tune from 5am tomorrow
when Suzanne O'Reilly
takes you through what
you missed overnight...
[Chase] ♪ I gave my love
a cherry
♪ That had no stone
♪ I gave my love a chicken
♪ That had no bones
♪ I gave my love a story
♪ That had no end
♪ I gave my love a baby
♪ With no... ♪
Kid can sing.
[Man on TV]: Oh, yeah, I heard.
All right, look.
When I first heard about
the snake incident,
I was pretty upset,
'cause I thought
Paul Hogan was already dead.
He's been away so...
I have to go on stage
every time and,
"Is that a knife?
Is this not a knife?
"Is that a microphone?"
[Man] When asked about
their close friendship,
the Oscar-winner Gary Oldman
denied ever meeting
the troubled star...
Am I allowed to say
"[bleep]-wit"?
He's a [bleep...
[Woman] Though, John Travolta
refused to discuss Mr. Hogan.
No. No. That's a very dangerous
thing.
[Woman] However, he released
a statement:
"I don't care what he does,
"but the moment he stands
on stage with my Olivia
"and tries to destroy our
legacy, he's gone too far."
Hey. When did you learn
to play guitar?
A couple of weeks ago.
Course. [chuckles]
You should come out.
We're gonna have a barbie,
play some more tunes.
Okay.
Oh, I've got a Spanish lesson
at 8.
Make sure I don't forget,
all right?
You're learning
to speak Spanish?
No. Lo estoy enseñando.
I'm not. I'm teaching it.
[laughs] Of course you are.
[laughs]
TV: ..the little support
Paul Hogan did once have
has disappeared completely.
Dad, you know no-one thinks
this stuff, right?
I hope not.
[Reporter] ...gone off the
rails, right?
I don't care what anyone says.
I love him.
This is all right, though.
I know he's had
a lot of criticism...
Ooh. She loves you.
[Both chuckle]
[Chase] See? You'll be right.
You know, when I was a kid, I
used to hide under the blankets
when he wrestled those
crocodiles and snakes.
And what about Bindi and Paul?
I mean...
[Reporter] No...
No, you're talking about Steve
Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter.
Who did you ask about?
[Reporter] Crocodile Dundee.
Paul Hogan.
Oh, him.
Yeah, he's a dickhead.
[Man] All right, all right,
let me tell you
what I think about
Mr. Paul Hogan...
[Lucy] Grandpa, have you
ever had anyone not like you?
[chuckles] Uh, oh, yeah, maybe
one or two people.
What did you do?
Well, nothing. You can't force
people to like you, love.
Yeah, I mean,
when I started on television,
one of my aunties
was saying to me,
"Ooh, you shouldn't say that
on television,"
or, "You shouldn't do this," or,
"You shouldn't look like that.
"People won't like you."
But, you know, some people
will like you, some won't.
It's... You just be yourself.
You mean I shouldn't let people
know you're my grandpa
because you've been
upsetting them forever?
[chuckles] Uh...
Yeah, oh, well,
it's probably the safest thing
just not to mention me.
[chuckles]
Listen, your mum said the new
school's a bit tough for you.
Yeah.
Oh, well, look, it's not easy
when you go to a new school,
but you'll be fine.
Yeah.
Listen.
I'm sorry if any of the stuff
that's been reported about me
makes it, uh...
a bit hard for you,
but, you know,
just don't worry about it.
You know, they make stuff up.
That's not what Mum says!
[giggles]
Oh, well... uh, Mum gets
confused sometimes.
But don't worry, Grandpa.
You're getting a knighthood.
That'll make up for all of it.
No-one can take that away.
Oh, I hope not. [chuckles]
Oh, I drew this.
Ooh, did you do that?
Oh, you're really talented
for a 19-year-old kid.
[chuckles] I'm not 19, I'm 9!
Oh, you can't be 9!
You're too smart.
Thanks. But I just wanted
to show you that.
[rattling outside]
I'd better go. The Wizard
awaits.
Oh. Yeah. Uh, how's that going?
How's that working out?
Pretty good. I can't wait
for you to watch me sometime.
Oh, I'd love to see it.
[rattling]
Bye, Pa.
Yeah.
Bye, sweetie. [hangs up]
Hey! I can see your foot
sticking out.
Come on, what are we doing?
Playing hide-and-seek?
[Luke] No, we're not.
So, what are you doing
here, mate?
Well... I couldn't find Melrose.
All right, let's get it over
with.
How much will you get
for a photo of me?
Oh. Like, a hundred bucks.
100 bucks?
Yeah. I mean, that's if I'm
lucky.
Oh. What about if I took my
shirt off
and I'm all sweaty, you know,
coming out of the gym
all pumped up and...
Ugh. No. Uh... 60, maybe?
Sixty?!
Mm-hm.
[sighs]
Okay. Um...
What about a photo of me
with Kim Kardashian?
Now we're talking!
That would be amazing.
I could get, like, 30 grand.
Maybe even more.
Well, I mean, that's just for
a photo of Kim, though.
Are you in it too?
Yeah.
Then it's, like, $120. Or less.
Oh!
Oh, don't worry.
I can crop you out of it.
I got an idea, Paul.
What if I, like, got photos of
you and, like, a new girlfriend?
No.
No, it could be good. It doesn't
have to be a girlfriend.
Maybe, like... a lover.
Forget about it.
We could set that up.
You know, I just met
a waitress at Denny's
and she was really into
Australians.
I was like, "Oh, I know
an Australian!"
All right, listen.
You don't have a car, do you?
Yeah, I... No, I don't.
Mmm. Okay.
Why?
Uh... No, I'd better not.
No, I promised my manager
I wouldn't get into
any more trouble.
Oh, oh, oh! Do the opposite!
Do whatever you said you
wouldn't do to your manager!
Do the opposite of that.
Let's do it! We'll do it
together! Paul, please!
Please! Please!
Oh...
So, where are we going?
We need to find stars.
Yeah, you know, like George
Clooney, Julia Roberts...
Kim Kardashian.
I, uh... I used to know
where Cary Grant lived.
Yeah, but, uh,
I think it's better
if we stick to celebrities
that are still alive.
Okay. Betty White?
Oh... I mean, she's good.
It's just...
What night is it?
Uh, Wednesday, I think.
Oh. Well, I know where they are.
Yeah?
[accelerates]
[siren chirps]
Oh.
[siren chirps]
Crap!
Oh. Well, don't panic.
It's just the police.
Yeah, but they've got big guns.
Yeah, but if you don't do
anything stupid, they're fine.
[Luke] What are you doing?
Just, uh... I'm just waiting
for them to...
...get, uh...
...out of the car.
Right!
[tires squeal]
[engine roars]
[siren wailing]
[horn honks]
Oh, I forgot. Do you guys want
mints or water or anything?
Uh... no, fine for now, John.
What?! No!
[tires squeal]
Listen, you gotta... you gotta
pull over, talk to them!
Uh, no, no. I can't. I don't
have my driver's license.
Well, then just tell them
you left it at home!
No, I don't have
a driving license.
Come to think of it, I don't
even know whose car this is.
What?! Come on!
John!
Get your camera out.
Why, so I can photograph
my own death?!
No, 'cause
just round this corner,
there's gonna be
a mother lode of celebrities.
Oh! Let's tap it. Let's tap!
Stephanie. Tell us
about your latest role.
She's a hard-nosed FBI agent
that needs
a lot of people killed.
Oh. How fun.
Yes. [chuckles]
Yeah.
[tires squeal]
No, no, no, no, no, no...!
Arggh! No!
Uh, there seems to be some kind
of disturbance happening.
Oh, this chase is getting
out of control.
Police are advising drivers
to avoid San Vicente Boulevard.
I never get tired
of searchlights.
Right, Luke, stay alert.
Kim Kardashian, two o'clock.
Can you slow down a bit?
I'm afraid
that won't be possible.
Oh, look. Brad Pitt.
Hey!
Did you get him?
No.
I nearly did.
Yeah, we noticed.
[horn honks]
[Man screams]
Uh-oh.
What was that?
I think it was Harvey Weinstein.
Mmm. Good.
[tires screech]
[Luke] Shit!
[engine revs]
[Reporter] And whilst I can't
make out who's driving,
that is certainly Paul Hogan
in the passenger seat.
Well, drivers are now
in a panic.
The chase has moved
to the other side of the road.
[cackles]
[tires squeal]
[engine idles]
Thanks, guys!
Don't forget to rate me.
Five stars.
[John cackles]
Hey, where's he going?!
[Hogan] Quick. Inside.
Hey, do you really think
that was Kim Kardashian?!
Just get inside the...!
Oh! Your place is gorgeous!
Come here!
You've got three garages?!
You've got three cars?
Or is it just storage?
Oh, a tennis court!
[helicopter whirs]
That's awesome!
I played tennis in high school.
I'm actually pretty good
for my size.
Oh, look at the size
of these doors!
Get in, get in!
[sirens approaching]
Whoa! Look at this place!
You've got chairs.
A coffee table.
A huge dining table.
You've got, like, eight pillows.
[Hogan] Look at that.
What's that wind?
Oh, you've got a pool!
You've got a TV!
[helicopter roars outside]
[Reporter on TV]:
...the speed of the chase.
[Woman] It was disgusting,
for heck's sake!
Oh, man!
Police are advising drivers
to avoid San Vicente Boulevard.
The car has now been abandoned
in a residential area.
LA people are so nuts!
[helicopter roars]
Paul, get in here!
You gotta check out the news!
Is that...
Yes, sadly, I believe
that is disgraced movie star
Paul Hogan.
In what can only be described
as a desperate cry for help,
it would appear the fallen icon
is now desperately trying
to relive his glory days.
[Luke] Paul!
Paul! Whoa!
This may be the saddest thing
this jaded old journalist
has ever seen.
Paul! Paul!
Paul, you're on the news! Look!
It appears a lady has run
from the house,
trying to plead with
the troubled Hogan.
Uh...
The lady is down.
The lady is down.
[jazzy music]
You got a light, buddy?
Yeah, sure, kid. There you go.
And your wallet.
Mickey, give him your wallet.
What for?
He's got a knife!
[laughs theatrically]
[big-band show tune playing]
♪ You wave that shiny
little thing in my face
♪ But, kid, your piece of
cutlery's a bloody disgrace
♪ You look at me as if
I should now run for my life
♪ But that's not a knife
♪ You think your little toy
is gonna fill me with dread
♪ But you should take that home
and file your toenails instead
♪ You're embarrassing yourself
in front of my future wife
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife
♪ You should turn away
from your life of crime
♪ Do something more worthwhile
with your time
♪ Buddy, why you lookin'
so deflated?
♪ Maybe 'cause your implement
is not serrated
♪ I can see you're not
the sharpest tool in the shed
♪ But I wouldn't use that
little thing to butter my bread
♪ Kid, if I were you,
I'd bloody run for my life
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife
♪ That's not a knife
♪ No, that's not a knife
♪ That's not a knife
♪ No, that's not a knife
♪ That's a knife
♪ Oh!
♪ Yes, that is a knife
♪ That is definitely a knife
♪ Remarkable sharpness
and purity
♪ How'd he get that
through airport security?
♪ I should be feeling
fear and loathing
♪ Scariest thing about you
is your choice of clothing
♪ Buddy, here's a little piece
of friendly advice
♪ Threatening people
on the street is not very nice
♪ So go sit somewhere quietly
and keep out of strife
♪ Then you won't need a knife
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife
♪ Yeah, that's not a knife
♪ That's the knife
[music recedes]
♪ So, keep sharpened up... ♪
[cell door clanks]
[Man] Hey, Hogan. You made bail.
Well, look, in my defense,
I had no idea we'd be trying
to escape from the cops
in a... televised
high-speed pursuit...
...with an unlicensed John
Cleese driving a stolen car.
[News presenter] It is
certainly
the story that won't go away
as disgraced racist nun-basher
and former Australian legend
Paul Hogan
implodes before our very eyes.
...Margot Robbie and Paul Hogan
becoming friends
while shooting that
Australian tourism commercial.
We have Margot
in our LA studio.
Margot, I want to start
by asking,
have you reached out to your
troubled friend at all?
[door closes, running footsteps]
[Man] Margot!
Margot?
[car drives off]
Margot Robbie in... in LA,
can you hear me?
She's, uh, gone, chief.
Margot?
[shouts] Margot!
[Man] ...with Hogan quickly
becoming a global punchline...
...Australia, the Flipper...
[speaks in Korean]
...and I can't believe
he hasn't been #MeToo'd yet.
When will his reign
of madness end?
And your old mate Paul Hogan...
What's going on there?
Does he need professional help?
I don't know.
There's not a great deal...
It doesn't bear
too much analysis.
I mean, this is
pretty silly stuff.
Yeah, fair, pretty silly,
but I've got to admit,
I'm actually surprised
by how funny he is.
And he's kind of
off the wall too.
I mean, there's recesses
in this guy's brain
that are kind of pretty wild.
I've got a joke for you, right?
What do you call the fastest
Australian in the world?
[Wayne] Paul!
The fastest what?
Australian.
Paul Ho-GUN!
Oh, wait. I've got one.
What does Paul say when
he'd like the escort to leave?
[Wayne whimpers]
Carol's here!
I don't know how she found me!
You haven't seen me!
Mate, your timing
couldn't be worse!
Just tell her
you haven't seen me.
I can't lie to Carol.
She's an angel.
No matter what she says,
you have no idea where I am!
Good luck!
[doorbell rings]
Shit! [sobs]
Please, God! Please!
Please! I beg you!
Oh, bloody hell!
Wait, I've got one. What do you
call Paul Hogan's latest movie?
I don't know.
Who cares?
Oh.
Oh. Oh, hi, Carol.
Hi, Paul. Uh, these are for you.
Oh, thank you.
Well, I thought it was
the least that I could do
with you having to put up with
him and all that noise.
Ah. Um, put up with what?
What?
With Wayne.
Wayne?
Where is he, Paul?
Uh, who?
Wayne.
Wayne?
Mmm.
Oh. Uh, uh... haven't seen him.
Really? Oh.
Yeah.
I...
Paul, I'm gonna need you
to be honest with me.
Oh, of course. Yeah.
Have you seen my husband?
Wayne? Uh...
...n-no. Uh...
Okay.
Um... I'm sorry.
Oh, no, that's okay.
Knowing Wayne, he's probably...
Sorry, sweetheart. [chuckles]
New-show jitters.
You know how I am.
Ah. Why, you lying little...
Oh, no, hey, but he told me...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.
Don't look at me.
No, you gave it away
the minute you opened the door.
You looked so guilty.
I am very disappointed with you.
[Wayne] That makes two of us.
Yeah, I read the press.
I was gonna leave anyway.
Oh, and I'd give that robe
a wash.
Yes. Oh, b-b-b-b... mwah!
[giggles]
Bye.
[Hogan] Uh...
[Wayne laughs]
[Reporter] One thing
that is safe to say
is the once loved Mr. Dundee
doesn't have a friend left
in the world.
Got a letter from the palace.
Oh.
Well... I guess we both know
what this says.
Yeah. I think so.
Oh. Dunno how
I'm gonna tell Lucy, though.
Yeah. Well, people are
just sort of... so angry at me.
I don't know what
I'm gonna tell my mom.
I wish my dad was here.
He'd know what to do.
Hey. You did a great job.
You were just, uh...
trying to manage a boofhead.
[chuckles]
Well, I was managing a
boofhead.
Yeah.
Gonna be okay?
Yeah.
You know...
...I've always wanted
to make something for kids.
You should.
Yeah. I'll find something.
I wasn't really much of
a manager anyway.
Nope.
[chicken squeaks]
[phone chimes]
[scoffs]
[jazz band playing]
Hello, Paul.
Oh.
I'm Ella.
Oh. I'm Paul.
[laughs] Hello.
Hello, Ella.
Hi.
Oh, goodness.
So, the others aren't here yet?
Uh, no.
[phone chimes]
Ooh. Sorry. Gosh.
That's me. How rude.
Sorry!
No, it's fine.
Oh, it's Livvy.
Um... Oh.
"Running late. Be there soon."
Uh-huh.
[clears throat] Right.
Do you get the feeling
this is a set-up?
I'm starting to, yes.
[Both chuckle]
Oh, dear. Ahem.
Oh, Livvy. I'll kill her.
[laughs]
Oh, I love your dress.
Uh... it's a top.
But thank you. [chuckles]
Of course it's a top.
Oh, my goodness. [laughs]
These things are always
awkward, aren't they?
What?
Dates.
Actually, I wouldn't know.
I haven't been on a date
since man walked on the moon.
[laughs]
Half a century ago.
[laughs] Goodness.
If you took you another
half-century to go on a date,
it must have been a bad one.
It was pretty bad, actually.
[laughs]
Well, anyway...
I'm... I'm glad you're here.
I'm glad too.
[plate smashes]
Oh, my goodness!
I think that's Chevy Chase.
[Chevy] Just slid
right off the table.
Course it's him.
He's pretty good.
He won an Academy Award.
Oh, really? Oh.
[Chevy] You need
to have these fixed.
I didn't know that.
Good evening.
Could I interest you in
our wine list this evening?
Oh, y-yes, please.
Certainly, sir.
Thank you.
Um... is it okay if I make
a tiny little confession?
Yeah.
I... may not be an innocent
bystander in all of this.
I might... have had
a conversation
with Olivia beforehand.
Oh. Yeah, I'll be having
a little chat to Olivia.
[both chuckle]
[Woman] He's got my keys!
Stop him! Somebody stop him!
Oh.
A-are you okay?
Yeah. Uh, back in a sec.
[heroic music]
Over there!
Stop him! Somebody stop him!
It's the Phantom Valet!
I know it is! Somebody stop him!
[cheering and applause]
I've still got it.
Not bad!
Like a scene
from the movie itself,
much loved Aussie star
Paul Hogan is back
and reminding us of
what he is truly made of.
However, the same cannot be
said for another comedy icon:
Chevy Chase,
whose downfall has begun
as he was dragged
from an LA eatery
for displacing condiments.
The troubled star was heard
to be screaming:
"But I won an Oscar!"
Wait. He won an Oscar?
[gentle guitar music playing]
♪ We cut through glaciers
And coastline by the afternoon
♪ Rivers cut through
The gorge ♪
♪ And the water's clean
And the water's smooth ♪
♪ See, I've been trying
To move along, move along ♪
♪ Concepting to keeping strong
For far too long ♪
♪ When all I had to do
Was rest my head... ♪
Your photos are amazing!
Oh. Yeah.
Thank you so much.
Uh-huh.
I can't believe
you've pulled this together.
To be honest...
I always thought
you wouldn't amount to much.
Thank you...
Mom.
♪ Oh-ho, that's in gold ♪
How'd he get the idea?
[Josh] He is a genius.
♪ And it doesn't
Feel right anymore ♪
[phone rings]
Hello?
Hey! How's it going back there?
Ah. All set.
It's pretty amazing
out here too.
I've never seen so much
privilege in one place.
Well, I hope your mum
fits right in.
She does.
Can you believe
they changed their minds?
Yeah. [chuckles]
Oh. Um, I'd better let you go.
Nah.
[Man] It is with tremendous
excitement and gratitude
that today we honor
Mr. Paul Hogan,
the star of Her Majesty's
favorite movie,
Crocodile Dundee III.
Unfortunately, Mr. Hogan
couldn't be here today,
as he had somewhere
important to be.
[music swells]
[music continues]
[inaudible dialogue]
♪ Oh-ho, it's in gold ♪
♪ See, I've been trying ♪
Thank you. [chuckles]
[music continues]
♪ And it doesn't
Feel right anymore ♪
And Paul Hogan is
back in the news
after failing to turn up to an
appearance on The Tonight Show.
Grandpa!
♪ On our own ♪
♪ We don't have to do this
On our own ♪
You made it!
Oh, yeah.
Wouldn't want to miss this.
Is it true?
Yeah, I'm really here.
But what about Chase?
♪ See, I've been trying
To hold on to this all alone ♪
And accepting
on Mr. Hogan's behalf,
Miss Angie Douglas.
[music continues]
[Police on radio]:
With the subject now,
heading eastward
towards the 405.
All officers, be warned,
it is John Cleese.
[whistles]
[music continues]
Hello!
Hi. Oh, you found the place.
[chuckles] Yeah. Great
directions.
Yeah.
[gasps] Hello!
He's a little sweetie, isn't he?
Hello! Oh, my goodness! Hi!
Oh, wow!
Paddy!
Oh, my goodness!
Hello, gorgeous!
Hello, g...
Oh, they're gorgeous.
What's her name? Oh, my heavens!
Paddy.
Hello, Paddy!
Wow!
Yeah.
How lucky are we?
Oh, it's so gorgeous here.
[Lucy] Come and play, Grandpa!
Oh, later, sweetheart.
I gotta have my power nap.
[giggles] Okay.
Okay.
[sighs]
Ah!
[Wayne] ♪ Hello, my baby,
hello, my honey
♪ Hello, my ragtime gal
♪ Send me a kiss by wire
♪ Baby, my heart's on fire
♪ If you refuse me,
honey, you'll lose me
Oh, shit.
♪ Then you'll be left alone
♪ Oh, baby, telephone
and tell me I'm your own! ♪
[whistles]
♪ Got me feeling ♪
♪ Got me feeling good ♪
♪ All the rocky roads ♪
♪ Never felt so smooth ♪
♪ I will shake to left
And shake to the right ♪
♪ Shake it all day
Then I shake it all night ♪
♪ Got me feeling ♪
♪ Got me feeling good ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Got me feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
[knife rasps]
Now, that's a...
really dumb way to shave.
♪ Gotta cut off ♪
♪ All my troublesome blues ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Got me feeling like ♪
♪ I got nothing to lose ♪
♪ Hoo-hoo ♪
♪ I will shake to left
And shake to the right ♪
♪ Shake it all day
Then I shake it all night ♪
♪ Got me feeling ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Now, now, now ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You've got me feeling good
Got me feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ You've got me feeling good
Got me feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Yeah, you've got me
Feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Yeah, you've got me
Feeling good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good
Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ Got me feeling good, good ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
♪ You make me go:
Mm-ba-da-pa-pa-da-da ♪
[♪♪♪]
♪ You wave the shiny
Little thing in my face ♪
♪ But kid, your piece of
cutlery Is quite a disgrace ♪
♪ You look at me as if
I should now run for my life ♪
♪ But that's not a knife ♪
♪ You think your little toy
Is gonna fill me with dread ♪
♪ But you should take that home
File your toenails instead ♪
♪ You're embarrassing yourself
In front of my future wife ♪
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife ♪
♪ You should turn away
From your life of crime ♪
♪ Do something more worthwhile
With your time ♪
♪ Buddy, why you looking
So deflated?
♪ Maybe 'cause your implement
Is not serrated ♪
♪ I can see you're not
The sharpest tool in the shed ♪
♪ But I wouldn't use
That little thing ♪
♪ To butter my bread ♪
♪ Kid, if I were you
I'd bloody run for my life ♪
♪ 'Cause that's not a knife ♪
♪ No, that's not a knife ♪
♪ No, that's not a knife ♪
♪ That's a knife ♪
♪ Oh, yes, that is a knife ♪
♪ That is definitely a knife ♪
♪ That's a knife ♪
That's a knife.
[♪♪♪]