The Ups and Downs of a Handyman (1976) - full transcript

(engine revving)

(phone ringing)

(moans)

- Blast, who the
hell can that be?

Hang on.

God, where is the
bloody--(moans)

Hello!

- Oh!

You don't have to shout
at me, I'm not deaf.

Is my daughter there, may I
have a word with her, please?

What's the matter,
are you there, Bob?



Bob, what's the matter with you?

Aren't you up yet?

You shouldn't be in bed
doing nothing, you should be

doing something productive.
(Bob giggles)

You're breathing very
heavily, have you got a cold?

Hope you're not giving
it to Margaretta.

May I speak to her, please?

- Bloody marvelous, we've
only been married 24 hours

and already she wants
an on-the-spot report
of our sex life.

Charming.

Here, she wants you anyway.

- Hello, Mummy.

- Hello, darling, is
everything all right?

Bob sounded so strange.



You know what it is,
he smokes too much.

You must try to get
him to give it up.

And tell him to take more
exercise, he sounded terrible.

- Oh, don't be silly, Mummy,
Bob's as strong as a bull

and he's getting
plenty of exercise.

- Good, I'm very glad to
hear it, keep him at it,

and don't let him slack.

- Oh, he won't, not
for awhile, anyway.

What did you want, Mummy?

- Well, are you coming?

- Pardon?

- Are you coming shopping,

I want to buy you
that wedding present.

- Oh, well I, I don't (gasping),

because I can't, um, mum.

- Margaretta, for goodness sake,

it sounds as though
you've got it, too.

What do you mean you can't?

Are you telling me
that he won't let you?

Are you under him already?

- Mmm, I mean, no,
no, but, no, Mummy,

yes, Mummy, I'm, please.

- Oh, good, cause I've got
some wonderful news for you.

And Bob, which I'll tell
you when you come around.

- Oh no, come on, Mummy,
tell me, what is it?

- Tell her you'll call her back.

- Well, you remember Aunt
Emily who died last month?

- Of course, I do.

- She's left you her cottage.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- Just think, you'll be
able to live rent-free,

no mortgage or anything.

- Oh, it's too much.

- Well, I hope you
realize how lucky you are

to be getting all
that for nothing.

No wonder you're
sounding so excited.

Still, so should I if
I were getting it, too.

- Oh, you'd love to
be having it (gasps).

- Well, I'll tell you what.

- I'd better be going
because I'm coming, I'm com,

no, I'm sorry, I'll
see you at the shop.

Oh, thank you, Mother.

- Mother?

(folksy guitar music)

(cows mooing)

- Hi, have any luck?

- Oh, well there's no bloody
industry at all around here.

All the decent jobs
are miles away,

but got no car for that.

- Well, I've been
thinking, I mean,

look at what you've
done to this cottage,

you're so clever at
doing that kind of thing.

Why don't you go down to the
village and offer some of those

rich people your services?

I'm sure they'll want
some odd jobs doing.

- Well how do you
propose I go about that?

Go around knocking
on people's doors

with a hammer and
a bag of nails?

- (laughs) Advertise.

- Advertise as what?

- As a handyman, silly.

- Oh, yeah, I suppose
I could, couldn't I?

* Take me on for awhile

* I'll soon be makin' you smile

* What's with all of you people

* Won't you give it a try

* I'm sayin' that
I've been around

* People keep puttin' me down

* But I've got
nothing to lose, now

* I'm still workin' the town

* The ups and
downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown

* Oh, don't you know

* There's just one way to go

* Oh, don't you know

* You know you want to go

* Wouldn't you like to be me

* Look me over and see

* Look at all of your faces

* Cryin' with jealousy

* I can make you feel good

* Or I can make you feel bad

* But there ain't
no good in tryin'

* Giving back what I've had

* The ups and
downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown

* Oh, don't you know

* There's just one way to go

* Oh, don't you know

* You know you want to go

* Wouldn't you like to be me

* Look me over and see

* Look at all of your faces

* Cryin' with jealousy

* I can make you feel good

* I can make you feel bad

* But there ain't
no good in tryin'

* Giving back what I've had

* The ups and
downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown

* The ups and
downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown *

(bells ring)

- Oh, good morning, love.

- Morning.

- Can you stick these in
the windows for us, please?

- Yes, sir.
- [Bob] Cheers.

- Oh, how interesting,
a handyman.

Are you any good?

- Well, my wife thinks so, yeah.

- I'll bet she does,
10 pence please, sir.

- Oh, right.

Oh, hate these pockets.

All right, there we go.
- [Clerk] Thank you.

- [Bob] Well, hope that
does the trick and I get

some interesting jobs, eh?

- Yes, I hope so, too.

- See ya.

- See ya, don't work
too hard, yet, anyway.

(gasp)
- Sorry, love.

- Don't worry, quite enjoyed it.

(light romantic music)

- Good morning, madam.

- Good morning, um
I wonder if I could

place this card in your window.

- Why, certainly, madam.

Thank you, oh, I see
you're a teacher, then.

A very attractive one,
too, if I may say so.

- Ooh (laughing),
you may, thank you.

- Oxford, Harrow, lot
of experience, then.

Are you a blue?

- Well, I could be, if
required I suppose, yeah.

- (laughs) Yes, yes, well,
that'll be 10 pence, please.

- Oh, good, well, I hope
it's worth the expense.

I like my pupils well advanced.

- Of course.

Yes, I'll, excuse me,

I'll just put this in
the window for you.

- Goodbye.
- [Clerk] Goodbye, miss.

- [Lady] Goodbye, again.
- Goodbye, miss.

- I've run out of cigarettes.

(bell rings)

(chatter and laughter)

(bell rings)

(bell rings)

- Your cigar, thank you, sir.

(bell rings)

(buffoonish music)

(clown horn honks)

- Oh, that smells good.

- Mmm, well, I've
got to build you up.

- I can't think why.

- Oh, don't be silly, darling,
something will turn up.

- I'm sorry, love, just
I'm feeling a bit fed up.

I mean, we've been
here a month now

and nothing seems to be
going right, nothing.

- Oh, I know, darling, but
look it's not every couple

that's got a lovely cottage
left them by an aunt.

You'll see,
soemthing'll turn up.

Perhaps your card'll
do some good.

- Yeah, perhaps.

* Another day is just beginning

* And you're on the move again

* Don't you think
you should be happy

* If you're sure
about your friends

* Oh, oh

* You know you want to go

* And put yourself on show

* Oh, oh

* But don't you be a fool

* You gotta play it cool

* Don't you know they
might just let you down

* Now I guess
you're feeling sorry

* 'Bout the things
you just can't mend

* I know it's hard
but don't you worry

* You're gonna
make it in the end

* Oh, oh

* Get out and start again

* Get out and meet your friends

* Oh, oh

* Then you're gonna see

* How things are gonna be

* Don't you waste your
time now bein' slow

* Another day is here again

* You're on your
way to make amends

* Don't hang around
or it's the end

* Of love and happiness

* And things

- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Wayne?

- Course not, silly, come in.

- Oh, thanks.

- Sit down.

- Oh, thanks.

- Um, Mrs. Wayne is in the bath.

That's why we sent for you.

Drink?

- Yeah.

- Scotch?

- Very nice, thank you.

- Well, you see, every
time she empties the bath,

water somehow
gurgles, splatters,

and comes back
through the overflow.

We can go and have a look
at it when she's ready.

Here's your drink.

- Thanks a lot.

You're the girl from the
news agent's aren't you?

- Mmm, Daddy owns the shop.

- Oh, I see.

- Do you know he does
amateur photography as well.

- Mmm.
- [Clerk] I pose for him.

- Do you?

- Well, not nude, I mean I
couldn't do that, could I?

- What?

- Pose nude.

- Oh, no, no, I suppose not.

- Well, not with Daddy, anyway.

I hope you're going to be good.

- Sorry?

- Well, I recommended
you to Mrs. Wayne

who's in the bath upstairs.

- Oh, that's very kind of you.

But um, how do you
know I'll be any good?

- Instinct, experience.

- You've had a lot of
handymen then have you?

- I beg your pardon?

- I mean, you have a lot
of handymen advertising

in your shop window?

- No, you're the first.

Well she must be ready now.

Have you got your
drink with you?

- No, love, I left
it down there.

- Well, don't worry, I'll
get you a stronger one later.

Got the right tool with you?

- Yeah, everything here.

- Now, when we get to the
bathroom, you pull it out?

- What?
- [Clerk] The plug,

then let's see what happens.

- Oh, good morning!

Mrs. Wayne, I presume?

(swinging music)

(buffoonish music)

Ah, Jesus.

- Having trouble, sir?

- It's these bikes,
you see, officer.

Well they're really
difficult to steer

until you've got up to speed

and my pedal power
seems to have left me.

- Well you shouldn't have been
in charge of the vehicle then

in your state.

- No, no, I'm all
right, officer, really.

It's just I've had a bath,
I mean repaired a bath

plug, tap!

I mean, what happened
you see, in there,

when you empty the
bath, the sink fills,

when you empty the sink,

it doesn't.
- Oh, it doesn't?

Obviously a case of
a complete breakdown.

- Well that's what I
thought, see, well,

when I went my plunger
in, it didn't happen,

because they grabbed me plunger,

and well, sort of--

- I was referring to
you sir, not the bath.

- Uh, I've had it, officer.

- It looks as though you have.

I suggest you go home
and do a complete

plumbing job on yourself.

- [Bob] What?
- Dry yourself out, sir.

So that's our new
handyman (chortles)

Heaven help us.

- Maggie!

Maggie?

Now, where the hell are you?

- [Maggie] I'm upstairs.

- Where?

- [Maggie] In the bath.

- Oh, God.

- What on Earth happened to you?

- Yeah, well, the less said
about that the better, eh?

- Well, what happened to your
clothes, they're soaking wet.

- Come on, take them off and
jump in the bath with me.

- No, no, I can't, I must
get down to Elgin farm.

- Oh, come on, it's very
sexy, what can be better

than two people naked
in a bath together?

- Three?
- [Maggie] What?

- Three jobs to do today
and I'm getting nowhere.

- Oh, come on, I really
feel in the mood, please?

- No, I can't, I really can't.

- Fred, it's half-day closing,
I'm trying to get away,

why do you always come
in here when I'm closed?

- Well, I can't be
seen looking at these,

these books for obscenity

with the public
present, now can I?

- Now, that's what you
always say, now come on Fred,

you won't find any
obscenity here.

- [Fred] Mmm, pity.
- [Arthur] Hmm?

- I'm just doing
my duty, Arthur,

protecting the citizens
from moral decline.

Look at that brazen hussy.

Oh, that's a flasher
if I ever saw one.

Disgraceful.

Thank goodness we haven't
anybody like her in the village.

- Yes, yes, all right
Fred, that's fine,

now come on, come
on, out, out, out.

Fred, the book please unless
you're keeping it for evidence.

- Oh, I don't want this filth.

- How would you like me?

- (laughs) Well, I
thought I'd like to take

a nice art study.

- Oh, all right.

- I'll get ready.

(manic comical music)

There you are, Arthur,
now you fix the lights.

- The lights, yes, fix
the lights, uh, oh yes.

Ohh!

(manic comical music)

- Now what?

How's that?

- Perhaps another button?

- Oh, Arthur, you
are a naughty man.

(both laugh)

- And, uh, perhaps a little leg?

- How's that?

- Well, now, I wonder,
do you think we,

could we be a
little more daring?

- How do you mean?

- Could you take your skirt off?

- All right, but you
turn your back first.

- All right.

- You may turn around now.

Is this all right?

- It's wonderful.

- Well, when are you
going to take a photo?

- I've got to get
everything right.

There's an art in taking
a good photograph.

Oh, oh.

- Well, I'm sure you know best.

- That's right my dear.

- Are you ready now?

Well, what do you think?

- Uh, I'm not sure.

- Well, suppose I
took my blouse off.

- Yes, yes, I think
that would work.

- Think you're ready now?

- I'll have a look.

- Well, Arthur?

- I'm still not happy.

- Well, what do you
think I should do?

- What do you think?

- Well, perhaps I should
take everything off.

- That would help, yes,
yes, that would be it.

- All right.

(manic comical music)

- That's it, that's it.

I'm ready, I'm ready!

- Hang on, Arthur.

You need this to flash with.

(flash blows up)

(cows mooing)

- Hello.

Are you looking for something?

- Uh, yeah, Elgin farm, love?

I've been chasin' around
all over the place,

but there are no
signposts or anything.

- Well, I think you've, uh,

found what you're
looking for, haven't you?

Or haven't you?

- I Beg your pardon?

- Elgin Farm, that's what
you're looking for, isn't it?

- Uh, yeah, that's right,
I'm a bit late already.

- Hmm, you must be
the new handyman.

- That's right, yeah.

- I bet Mummy can't
wait to meet you.

- Come on, I'll show you.

- No, no, hang on there.

Don't you think you'd
better get dressed first?

- What's the matter, don't
you like me the way I am?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, nice.

But, uh, well, uh, it's just
I don't think you're mother

would like me turning up with
you dressed like that, do you?

- Mmm, maybe you're right,
she is a bit of an old dragon.

- Hang on, don't
I need my tools?

- Your tools, I suppose
you can't do anything

without them, can you?

- Oh.

- Right, here you are,
then, this is the barn

that mummy wants cleaned out.

- Oh, fine, I'll
get started then.

Oh, I see, have you got anything

I can shift all this hay with?

- Of course, the pitchfork.

- Oh, right.

- Have you always
been a handyman then?

- Oh, no, love, uh, I was in
the navy for a bit, actually.

- In the navy, gosh, a sailor.

I'm going to London
soon to become a dancer.

I'm going to have my own
act, and will drive men wild

and meet film stars
and beautiful people.

- Oh, very nice for ya.

- You don't believe me, do you?

Well I'll show you that I can.

* So you want to be a rich girl

* Livin' like a lady bird

* With riches like
the Queen of Sheba

* Or maybe the Queen of the Nile

* There's a long
hard way to go now

* So you'd better
start thinkin' fast

* Oh, oh

* Oh, oh

- Sorry Fred.

Oh, you're looking worried,
too, is there something wrong?

- There may be, on the other
hand, there may not be.

- Well, I'm just on my
way to try and stop it.

There's plenty of
it about, you know.

- It's breaking out everywhere.

Any stopping to be
done, I'll stop it.

- Yeah, but you know
what starts it off.

- Can't put my finger on it,
Charlie, but I don't trust him.

- I can't think why, he's
never let me down before.

And all the cows
really enjoy him.

- Well, he's proving
himself some handyman.

- Perhaps we should give him
a really strong injection.

I do know that we
must keep him warm

and he must be well-attended to.

- He's well-attended to,

I just saw Polly
drag him to the barn.

- Oh, well, if she looks
after him well, I don't mind.

Anyway, I can't just
hang around here all day,

I've got some seeds to sow.

- Well, as long as you're the
only one with that in mind.

- So long, Fred.

- Just a minute, Charlie,
Charlie, Charlie!

Oh!

- Oh, sorry, Fred.

Oh, by the way, will
you tell the missus,

if he's no good this afternoon
I'll have him put down

and I'll get her a new
shorthorn tomorrow.

So long.
(Fred groans)

- It's no use pretending to
work, I know I'm turning you on.

* Oh but listen
to what I'm sayin'

* And don't you let
yourself go down

* Oh, oh

* Oh, oh now

* You say you want to
be Queen of the screen

* And go pretty far

* And drive a big car

- Look, look, I'm sorry,

you mustn't think this is
anything to do with me.

I mean, it was her and I,
I mean, no, no, not me.

That is, she was
and I wasn't, see?

(buffoonish music)

(gasps in pain)

(pounding on door)

- I'm sorry about that,
is Mrs. Elgin around?

- No, nor Polly, they're in
the barn helping the handyman.

- I thought he was supposed
to be helping them.

I think I'll go and investigate.

(manic music)
(women giggling)

(Fred groans)
(lumber crashing)

- Get out of the
way, I can't stop!

Oh, blimey, officer,
I'm sorry, honest?

Here, up you get.

Brush your jacket down there

- Get off, maniac.

I'll have you, dangerous
driving, bad brakes,

faulty steering, hah,
and no seat belts.

- [Bob] But, officer--
- You should be locked up.

Handyman, I've never seen
you do anything handy yet.

I must warn you that
anything you say further--

- Oh no, Officer,
you've got it all wrong.

- Well, that's interesting.

- Uh, yes, see, we thought
we heard a tramp in the barn,

we searched for him, oh,
so sorry about this dress.

- Oh, reveal all, I
mean, tell me everything.

- Oh, well, then we thought
we heard a noise outside,

and this brave man came
out to investigate.

- Brave man?

- Officer, would you
be a gentleman and
lend me your jacket,

and escort me back
to the farmhouse?

- [Fred] Of course, Madam.
- I'm getting rather cold.

- [Fred] We must cover your
exposed br, eh, your bare,

you're bristol, uh, let's
put my coat around you,

let's get you home.

(sighs)

(yawns)

- How was it, love?

- Oh, pretty rough.

- Oh, you're not used to
it, that's your trouble.

Still, never mind, I've
brought you some nice chops.

Why don't we have
an early night?

You eat that, gotta
keep your strength up,

and I'll just go
up and have a bath.

Do you like it, darling?

Darling?

Darling?

(sighs) Darling.

- Hello everybody

- [Voiceover] Hello.

- Oh, this is nice.

- Cocktail or your usual?

- Oh the usual, thank you.

Very relaxing,
that's what I need,

rather a lot of
relaxation at the moment.

Life's very frustrating.

Seem keeping fine
though, thank you.

Mmm, I see you have a new maid.

- Yes, the squire
found her actually.

She was up for some
minor offense or other.

So he sentenced her
to a good spanking,

put her in my custody
for good behavior,

and said he never wanted to
see her up before him again.

She's given pretty good
service ever since.

- By the way, I hear you, uh,
exhausted our new handyman

the other day, Mary.

- Not me, it's when he
went over to the farm

when the trouble started,
wasn't it, Jenny?

- Oh, I don't know about that.

But I hear you've booked
him now, Prudence.

- Anyone for another drink?

(phone ringing)

- [Bob] Oh, let it ring.

- [Maggie] Oh, we
can't, darling.

Might be another job,
can't let people down.

Hello?

- [Voiceover] Is
that the handyman?

Could he call
'round this morning,

because I've got some odd
jobs that I'd like him to do?

- OK, I'll tell him, he'll
be up as soon as he can.

- [Voiceover] Thank you.
- [Maggie] Bye-bye.

- Who's that, hmm?

- It was the squire's wife,
she wants you to do a job.

I'll go make you some breakfast.

- Well,

can't be much harm
in a squire's wife.

I hope.

- Bop, bop, bop, mmm, mmm, mmm.

So, what have you got
planned today, my dear?

- Oh, I've got the handyman
coming 'round to have a look

and do a few jobs.

- Well, don't let him keep
you gossiping all day long.

You know what old Gasper's like.

- Of course not, my dear.

- Yes, well, thank you, my dear,

oh, so sorry, my dear.

I'm always doing that.

Well, must go do a
bit more hunting,

thank you so much my dear.
- [Prudence] Good luck.

- Bye (chuckles).

Oh.

(chuckles and hums)

(bouncy music)

(horses neigh)

(horn blaring)

(wheels squeaking)

(humming)

(door bell rings)

- Oh, good morning,
Mrs. Bullsworthy?

- Yes, that's right, do come in.

- Oh, thanks very much.

This way is it?

- Go straight through.

(thundering hooves
and neighing horses)

(dogs barking)

You're new around
here aren't you?

- Yeah, that's right,
we've just moved in

to that little cottage
down past the farm.

- Oh, I know, my husband
rides past your place.

- Oh, really?

- He says your wife could
do with a good spanking.

- What?

- Oh yes, my husband loves
spanking girls' bottoms.

- Does he?
- [Prudence] Especially

when he's out hunting.

- [Bob] What, for
girls' bottoms?

- No, foxes.
- [Bob] Oh.

- Mind you, he caught
one on the last hunt

hiding there right
in the bushes.

- What, a fox?

- No, a girl, silly.

- Oh, I see.

- Well didn't she complain?

- Yes, she doesn't approve
of blood sports at all.

- No, no, I mean
about the spanking.

- Oh, no, goes on the
hunt every week now,

hides and waits for
him to find her.

He's even got the dogs trained.

- Well, don't you complain?

- Only when he stops.

- [Bob] I see, you mean,
he has a go at you as well?

- Course he does,
look I'll show you.

- [Bob] Oh, very nasty.

- Would you like a
drink by the way?

- Yeah, yeah, why not.

- Well, come with me.

- You know, I'm
gonna have trouble

with that new fellow who moved
into Mrs. Willit's cottage.

Can't even ride a bike properly.

A three-wheeled one at that.

Bloody dangerous he is.

- Oh, what makes
you say that, dear?

- He practically ran
me down this morning.

Bashed into a barn and
ripped the clothes off

poor Mrs. Elgin.

- He did what?

- And he knocked on
the squire's door,

bothering the squire's wife

before she even had
time to get dressed.

- Oh, don't be silly, dear,

I'm sure he wasn't
bothering her.

Most likely, she has
something she wants doing.

- Well, he wants should be
doing something with that bike.

A lethal weapon,
that's what it is.

He'll run into some
window with that one day,

that's for sure.

Parks it anywhere, he does.

Next time I catch him
I'll slap a ticket on it.

Obstructing an entrance,
no loading or unloading,

I'll get him.

- Don't be silly, dear,
I'm sure she's working him.

Very hard.

(laughing)

- Hello?

Yes, OK, I'll tell him.

Bye.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Uh, yes, OK.

(phone rings)
Hello?

Here's some more calls
for you, darling.

(phone ringing)

Hello, who?

OK, fine, all right.

Bye.

(singing opera)

(knock on door)

- Come in, it's open.

* Maisie, Maisie dear

* When you're very near

* All my feelings get confused

* Maisie can't you see

* What you do to me

* I can't get away from you

* Such a smile

* What a smile

* Oh it turns me on

* Such a girl

* What a girl

* The life is just a
great big bowl of fun

* Maisie, you're too much

* Oh no, don't you touch

- Bloody hell, round
the bloody bend.

- (gasps) Thank goodness!

You must be the handyman,
I need you desperately.

- You gotta be joking.

- I'm not, I've needed
you since last night.

- Last night?

- Yeah, that's when it happened.

Oh God, I hope he's all right.

- What happened, all right?

You're mad, you're all mad.

- What's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with me?

Well that's rich, that is.

Well what's wrong with you?

What's wrong with all of you?

You're maniacs, the
lot of you, but you,

blimey, you're not
even subtle about it.

- About what, what
are you talkin' about?

- The women around
here, that's what.

- I don't understand you.

- Oh no?

Then, why'd you ask
me up here, then?

- Oh, I see, oh look, let's
start all over again, shall we?

You are the new
handyman, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Good, well, can you
mend the bed for me?

- Oh.

I'm sorry, I really am, honest.

- Oh, it's all right, forget it.

Mind you, you had me
worried for a minute.

- (laughs) Well that
makes two of us, love.

- What's the problem?

- No, no, my mistake,
I was out of order,

as you say, forget it, eh?

- I think you need a
stiff drink, don't you?

- Well, I wouldn't say
no to a large scotch.

- One large scotch coming up.

- Smashing.

Blimey, this has had
a right old hammering.

New legs on this
side for starters.

- Glasses up.

- Oh, cheers (shouts).

(thundering crash)

- It's just not your day, is it?

(buffoonish music)

- I'm in uniform, dear.

Steady, cheerio, dear.

(folksy music)

(horn honks)

- Morning, mum.

- Half a gallon of
your best, please.

- Half a gallon, won't
get very far on that.

- Wanna bet?

(folksy music)

- Oh, morning.

- Oh, how lucky.

You're the new handyman?

- Yeah.

- My car seems to
have broken down.

- Well, I'm not very
well up on cars.

- Please look at it for me,

I'm sure you may
be able to help.

- Oh, well, to tell
you the truth, love,

motors really aren't in my line.

- I'm sure cars are
just like women.

They need a man's
touch to get them going

- Oh, right.

Uh, is this the
bonnet lever, love?

- No, see, it's the gear lever.

It opens there.

- Outstanding.

- Perhaps they require
some sort of adjustment.

- Yeah, yeah, perhaps.

Uh, listen, why don't I shoot
off down to the local garage,

maybe they can send
someone up, eh?

- No, no, don't do that,
I'm sure we'll be able

to manage something between us.

Have a look underneath.

- Look, honest, you've
got the wrong man,

I really don't know
what I'm doing.

- Never mind, have a
go, just for me, please.

- All right.

(buffoonish music)

Eh, looks all right to me.

Bit dirty, maybe.

But then, I don't know what
I'm looking for anyway,

and if I did, I wouldn't know
what to do if I found it.

- What, what did you say?

You found something?

- I said, oh blimey, it's
a bit dark down here,

I can't see much.

- Oh, excuse me.

- Fan belt.

- What?

- Fan belt, battery,
let's check battery.

- There you are, you
see, you are clever.

- Where is it?

- In the back.

- Maybe you're a bit flat.

- I hope not, I have
it regularly serviced

and a good going
over once a month.

- Yeah, well, you certainly
topped up all right.

What about the leads,
where are the leads?

- There they are.

(both grunt)

What took you so long?

(laughs)

(buffoonish music)

(energetic music)

Mmm, I feel as though
I'm floating on air.

Your hands are nice and soft,
I bet you use hand cream.

- No, it's the
grease from the car.

- What, stop it, stop it.

- I don't understand,
it was you--

- Not you, the car.

Do something, steer it.

(buffoonish music)

Steer it.

- I can't, the steering
wheel's the other end.

- Oh God, do something.

- Hang on, I'll turn
on the hand brake.

Shit, where is it?

- See on the side, useless,
you call yourself a mechanic,

pull it, break.

- What, listen now, I
told you that I didn't

know anything about--.
- [Woman] Break.

No, the other side.

Break.

- I can't.

- That's the gear lever.

- What's that?

Huh, ho.

(sighs)

What a mess.

- Oh no.

- [Bob] Oh, yeah.

- No.

- [Bob] Yeah.

- No, it's the law.

- [Bob] What law?

- The police, you fool.

- Oh, morning Officer.

We seem to have had
a bit of an accident.

- I'm not surprised,
the position you're in.

Would you care to leave the
car before you have another?

And the lady, too.

Maniac, bloody dangerous.

You should be locked up.

And you will be once
I'm finished with you.

For years, I hope.

Driving without due
care and attention,

and exceeding the
speed limit in reverse.

- But Officer, I can explain.

- Damaging police
property, and now,

threatening an officer
with an offensive weapon.

- Come off it, this
is a gear lever,

it came off in me hand.

- Oh, faulty gear lever.

Has this car been M-O-T'd sir?

- Well, I don't know,

this lady was having
trouble getting started--

- I saw how you got her started.

- Now, listen, Constable,
I've had enough.

- I can see that, madam.

- Now look here, we
were in the car--

- Committing an obscene
act in a public place.

Attempting to drive a
car from the rear seat.

Right, sir, right, madam?

I must warn you that
anything you say

will be taken down and may be
used in evidence against you.

Now, sir, madam, have
you anything to say?

- Yes, your fly's open.

- My fly's open.

(horn honking)

(church bells ringing)

- Well, hello, what kept you?

- Sorry, madam, I've um,
just had a breakdown.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I hope it
wasn't anything too serious.

I've got a lot for you to do.

- Oh no, I'm fine.

- Good, well, this is
going to be a surprise.

My husband doesn't know
anything about this.

- Really?

- Mmm, it's just a secret
between you and me.

- I see.

- Mmm, well, better
come in then.

- Right.

Oh.

- Well,

here it is.

- What exactly do you
want me to do then?

- I want you to put it up.

- You what?

- The paint, I want you
to paint the ceiling.

- Oh, I see.

All right then, I'd
better start then.

- I usually put it
on the window sill.

- I beg your pardon?
- [Woman] The plank.

Move the ladder closer
and put the other end

on the window sill.

- Oh, if you say so.

- Well, it's the way
my husband does it,

but he can't put anything up.

So, uh, I needed an expert.

Someone who knows
what he's doing.

- Very sensible.

Well, as my old man used to
say, if a job's worth doin'.

- Yes?

- It's worth doing well, right?

- I quite agree.

- The wife thinks I'm
quite good at it, anyway.

- Oh well, she should know.

- Quite true, you should have
seen us over at our place.

We had to strip off everything
before we could start.

- Isn't that usual?

- Yeah, but I had a
terrible job getting it up.

- Oh, surely not,
a big man like you?

- Well the wife
helped of course.

- She sounds as if she
knows what she's doing.

- What do you fancy then?

- What do you suggest?

- Uh,

psychedelic?

- Oh, yes, that
sounds interesting.

- Well, I think I got
enough here to do it with.

- Oh, I'm sure you have.

- Could you find something
I can stir the paint with?

- Oh, yes, I can see something.

- Where?

- Do you want me
to get it for you?

- Yeah, if you
wouldn't mind, and then

I can get the paint
up the ladder, OK?

- Well, I hope it'll
be long enough.

- What's that?

- The thing, to
stir the paint with.

- Oh, don't worry about
that I'll find something.

- Oh, no, no, give me
time, I'm still looking.

- You found it yet, then?

- Any minute now.

Oh, I think I found it.

- No!

Oh, God, I'm so
sorry about that.

(mumbles)

This just isn't my day today,

I'm really sorry, honest.

- I suppose now you'll drag
me naked across the ceiling.

(cows mooing)

(knocks on door)

- Ah, hello, Mr. Wessex.

- Call me Gasper,
most other folks do.

- Well, we haven't
been here long.

- I know that.

- Well Gasper, you see,
it's like this, my husband

he's gone into the
handyman business,

and to be quite frank with you,

it seems to be far more
than he can handle.

- I've been handyman
here, man and boy,

never been more
than I can manage.

- I don't know
about that, but Bob,

he comes home
exhausted every night.

- Well what do you
want me to do, ma'am?

- Well, I thought
perhaps you could come to

some sort of arrangement,
you know, split the jobs.

- All right, it suits me, Missy.

- I'll just go and get
a list of his calls.

- Well these foreign buggers,

I don't understand
how they do it.

I've been handyman in
this village, man and boy,

never tired me out.

- Here we are Gasper.

And when you've finished those

I'll have plenty more for you.

- All right, ma'am,
I'll get on with these

and come back for more later.

(knocks on door)

- What on Earth do you want?

- You sent for an odd job man.

- Yes, but you're not, well.

- I'm the odd job man.

- Who sent you?

- The gaffer's wife, ma'am.

- Tell her I cancelled the call.

- Um, come to do
the odd job, ma'am.

- What did you say?

- Well it says here that you
have a odd job you want doing.

- Oh, oh, go and chop the weeds.

(bells chime)

- Hello, darling.

- Mmm, I'm so tired.

- Oh, that's all right, darling,
I've solved our worries.

- Hmm?

- I've got you some help,

there's a sweet old
man called Gasper.

He's been the handyman in
the village here for years.

Anyway, I've done a deal
with him, and I've given him

some of your calls.

Aren't I a clever girl?

- You've done what?

- I've given him
some of your calls.

I did do right, didn't I?

- (laughs) Well, I don't know,

this should prove
very interesting.

- And then that old
fool Gasper turned up.

- Yes, and he even
turned up to wash my car.

- Yes, I've had the
same thing as well.

- When I employ a young
man for some hard work,

I expect a young man to turn up.

- We all know what hard
work you wanted doing.

- There's no need to come that

butter wouldn't melt
in my little mouth,

we all know your mouth is the
only little thing about you.

- Oh, let's forget it shall we,

he's made fools of all of us.

And he's taken our money
under false pretenses.

- Yes, very true.

- What's this about,
false pretenses?

- It's the new handyman.

- Well, what's he been up to?

No good, that's a certainty.

- Well it's just that
some of us employed him

to do odd jobs and instead
he's sent old Gasper along.

And when he's come,
he hasn't done much.

In fact, he's done nothing.

- Come to think about it,

I gave him an odd job
to do the other day

and he made a
complete botch of it.

- We'll have to do something
with this handyman fellow.

A word in your ear, Squire.

- Certainly, Knowles, come into
the study, you know the way.

Follow me, you see what
bothers me is I've (fades out)

- Do you think that
was wise, dear?

- Well, attack is the
best method of defense.

- There we are, love,
one cafe con latte.

Any calls this morning?

- None so far (yawns).

- Have you started
breakfast yet?

- No.

- Let's skip it, shall we?

(buffoonish music)

(knocks on door)

(knocks on door)

- Ah.

What's in here?

(muttering)

(knocks on glass)

- Mister Plod.

Yes, Officer, can I help you?

- I doubt it, sir.

I've had several nasty
complaints about you.

- What?

- (chuckles) Money
under false pretenses.

Work unfinished, etc., .etc.

- Well that's just not true.

- Well, that's as may be,

the squire would like
to see you, at the hall.

Tonight, 8:00.

- What for?

- You'll see, be at the
police station, 7:30.

And.

Don't be late.

- Darling, I'm up here.

- I've gotta go out.

- Oh, hell.

(din of patrons)

- It's a bit early
for that, isn't it?

- No, I need it.

Do you fancy another round?

(mumbles)

- What's the trouble,
more women problems?

- Aye, you could say that.

Only now the local
knobs are in it.

- No, caught on the job?

- Not on the job is
more to the point.

- How do you mean?

- Well, it doesn't matter.

- Tell her.

- Now come on, sometimes it
helps to tell someone, you know.

- Bitches.

- What've they done to you?

- Well, I got so busy, my wife
thought I needed some help.

- She, what?

- Employed this old
geezer to gimme a hand.

(laughs)

Yeah, it's all right
for you to laugh.

Now I'm being done for
false, false pretenses.

- Oh no, you poor thing.

What, are they ganging
up on your or something?

- And there's nothing
I can do about it.

- Think you've had enough,

why don't you come back
with me and have a coffee?

- Fat lot of good that would do.

- You'd be surprised.

Come on then, come back with me.

Oops.

There we are.

Feeling better, love?

- No.

- Drink the coffee, it helps.

Yeah, for a hangover,
perhaps, but not me.

- That's where I
come in, listen.

While you were playing
about with all the wives,

did you ever wonder what
the husbands were up to?

- Oh, uh, I don't know.

- Take that old man
Wayne for instance.

(oohs and ahhs)
(giggling)

And then, there's that copper.

(laughing and whooing)

And as to the squire, hoo.

(maniacal laughter)

And then there's the butcher.

Oh, you wouldn't believe
what they get up to.

(yelps and laughter)

- What a town.

It's unbelievable.

Oh, but how's this
gonna help me?

- Don't worry,

I'll think of something.

- You didn't realize the squire
was the local magistrate.

I'll get promoted for this.

Ah, ah.

Now you, stand there

and don't you move.

I've got you now, you know.

(laughing maniacally)

- Squire, listen, I'm not
gonna be able to go on

keeping you happy like this if
I run the local pub as well.

Why don't they give the job
to that nice young couple

that's just moved here?

He's already doing odd jobs
about the place, you know?

- The handyman, yes, that'll
keep him occupied (laughs).

- We don't make many mistakes.

(knocks on door)

- Who's that?

- Don't worry, my dear,
it's only Knowles (laughs).

- This is it.

(knocks on door)

- Oh, I suppose I'd, I'd
better deal with it, dear.

- Right.

- [Squire] Excuse me.
- Thank you, Squire.

- Yeah.

(giggling)

Thank you my dear.

Knowles.

- The squire would
like to see you, sir.

This way.

(bells chiming)

- So, asleep are ya?

What a pity, have to keep
the news til tomorrow.

Still, perhaps
it's just as well.

Don't want to
excite you too much.

- What news?

- What, love?

- I said, what news.

- Oh, never mind,
love, you go to sleep.

It'll keep til morning.

- What news?

- Careful, careful.

Can't have the new
landlord of the local

with scratches all
over his face, can we?

- What did you say?

- They offered me the
job, down at the boozer.

I accepted.

- Darling!

(folksy music)

(rooster crowing)

- Well, I can't understand it,

one minute they're
all against him,

and the next minute, they
make him manager of the local.

- At least there's
no unpleasantness.

- Let's stop bitching, let's
organize ourselves from now on.

- Yes, well that means we're
back to where we started.

- I think I know what we can do.

If I were to order some drinks.

- What's she going to do?

- Hey, darling, things
are really looking up,

here's our first order.

- Oh, great, who's it for?

- The squire.

- The squire?

- Mmm, he's a jolly
good customer.

- OK, still, I hope he
won't wanna spank me.

- You what?

- Oh, nothing, nothing.

- Oh, anyway, she wants it out
first thing this afternoon.

- She?

- Mmm, the squire's wife,
I think it's a surprise.

- Yeah, well, I
hope you're right.

Well, I'll go and fix it up, eh?

(folksy music)

* Who do you think
is coming round

* And taking me down to the fair

* Margaretta now she's better

* Come on round
let down your hair

* Come today and not tomorrow

* Come tomorrow I'll be gone

* But you know just how you look

* You're looking good

* There's nothing wrong

* Well there's magic in the air

* Let's go to the fair

* There's magic in
the air, oh yeah

* And all our friends are there

* Quickly now we've got to go

* To see a show
I'll show you where

* Take my hand and
watch your step

* There's muddy water over there

* We'll be there in just awhile

* So come on now,
let's have some fun *

- Ah, the drinks.

We're in the garden
by the swimming pool.

- Right, I'll bring it over.

* There's magic in the air

- Come this way,
follow me please.

* There's magic in
the air, oh yeah

* And all our love we'll share

* Magic in the air

* Magic in the air

* Magic in the air

* Magic in the air

- You didn't think you
could lose us that easily.

We didn't want you to
lose your liscense.

- Run girls, get him!

(shouting)

(manic music)

(shouting and laughing)

- Love-40

- You must be joking.

(din of pub patrons)

- Here we are sir, that's 12 p.

- [Voiceover]
Thank you, my dear.

- Do you want
another drink, Mummy?

- I never thought to
see a daughter of mine

end up as a bar maid.

And fancy being left
that lovely cottage

and expecting me
to give it all up.

Where is Bob?

It's not fair leaving you to
do everything for yourself.

I suppose he's running
around somewhere.

- At this very minute
he's up delivering

at the squire's house.

- Well, he might have waited
to see me before he went off.

- Oh Mom, he's had such a
lot on his hands, lately.

He'll probably come rushing
in here at any moment.

- Well, I want to go, I don't
feel happy in this place.

I hope Bob remembers that
it's me and Aunt Emily

he has to thank
for his situation,

it'd be nice to hear him say so.

(glass shatters)

(gasps of shock)

I don't believe.

- What the hell
have you been up to?

- You know when I went up to

deliver the booze to Squire, I
went round the swimming pool,

and what's she doing here?

- For God's sake,
cover yourself.

(phone ringing)

- Well, I suppose
I'd better answer it.

Nobody else around
here seems to bother.

Hello?

It's the news agent's daughter.

She wants to know if
you want to put it in

for another week.

- No, and you can tell her

I'm never gonna put it
in ever again either.

* Take me on for awhile

* I'll soon be making you smile

* What's with all of you people

* Why don't you give it a try

* I'm sayin' that
I've been around

* People keep puttin' me down

* But I've got
nothin' to lose now

* I'm still working the town

* The ups and
downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown

* The ups and
downs of a handyman

* Livin' my life the best I can

* Up and down all over town

* I can make you smile
I can make you frown *