The Stroller Strategy (2012) - full transcript

Happy birthday!

You bail on the night
of your 25th birthday?

-My party was shite.
-"Shite"?

Real shit.

Besides, I didn't invite you. Who are you?

I'm the gatecrasher you find
at every shitty party.

-Yep.
-And besides crashing parties?

-I draw.
-What do you draw?

Sheep.

-Is it much further?
-On the 5th.

I can't wait, I really have to pee.



-Are you nuts or what?
-Hold on.

Oh no, but it's an excellent fertilizer.

But it's a plastic plant. So…

Oh, crap!

You're totally nuts!

I love it.

Would you mind turning around?

-Please?
-Sure.

What's your name, by the way?

It's… No…

I would say Guillaume or Thomas.

Thomas.

Champagne?

Hi, Thomas.



I'm Marie.

Come on! Three floors left.

Holy shit!

-One day we'll have an elevator.
-It's not so bad!

Nobody's forcing you to move in with me.

-You're right.
-Yeah.

I'll go, then.
I'll go back to my roommates. Yeah.

Happy birthday.

-Hello.
-Hello.

What do you think?

Patrick or Hervé.

-Pascal. He definitely looks like Pascal.
-Patrick.

-Pascal, is that you?
-Yes.

I won! Victory is mine!

Go ahead. Pick it up. Come on.

You don't want to?

Are you serious?

I'm suggesting we have a baby,
obviously, I'm serious.

You're always surrounded by babies
at the hospital.

You're right.
Why bring back homework at home?

-I'm not saying that, but…
-Then what?

I'm saying you're okay,
you work at the hospital, but me…

I'm just starting out as a freelancer,
a baby while you work and draw is tricky.

-Why? Is he going to steal your markers?
-No, but…

It's a big deal.

Of course it's a big deal.

That's why I'm asking you.

So, what about the apartment?

The apartment?

You skipped the visit?

-No, I went.
-It's great, right? We should take it.

-I'm not really--
-You're not…

I'm not excited.

-You're not excited?
-No.

What about the little balcony,
isn't it great?

True. The balcony is great.

There is no small balcony, Thomas.
You asshole.

I visit 15 apartments, there's one we
can have and you skip it. What an asshole.

Oh wow, I forgot my keys.

Can you open it?

-No, I'm not going to open it.
-What?

You forgot your keys too?
That would really suck.

What's wrong? Are you okay?

No, I'm not okay.

I feel like we're stalling.

No, we're moving forward.

Do you realize you're dumping me
on your birthday?

That's crazy, huh?

Is that what's bothering you? The date?

No.

You'd prefer if I broke up after midnight
to make it easier?

You didn't throw me a party, I hope?
That's not your style.

I'd rather leave now.
It will be too hard later.

Surprise!

Hey, man. Tomorrow night
is the club's party. You'll come?

-I don't know.
-Remember last year? We had a blast!

This year, it's a costume party.
A huge party.

A huge party, Thomas!

I'll handle the costume. Just show up.

Vélizy's women's team might swing by.

Tomorrow is her birthday.
She dumped me a year ago.

Do you still think about her a lot?

Paulo, what's this?

-This?
-Yeah.

A baby seat, €9.00 on eBay.

It's a bait, the ultimate weapon.
The girls at the red light will love it.

Laugh all you want.
It's not my fault if women love dads.

Had you looked like a dad,
she wouldn't have left. Hold this.

Here's everything I got in the last month.

Bottles, pacifiers,
soft toys, scooters, bikes…

With this stuff, you can score
a young divorced mother

in her forties, two children,
who struggles to find time for herself.

Sexually, she is out of it, but…

-You want something?
-No, I'm fine, thanks.

I'm going, I'm late.
I have an appointment.

-With a girl?
-No, for work.

Hey!

I'm counting on you tomorrow.

All right.

This one's not bad.

You're looking at it upside down.

Anyway. The idea is to come up
with a sexy calendar.

A bit like Aubade
or Pirelli but with a drawing.

I can't afford to pay models.

It's not because they're drawings
that they have to be too abstract.

I want to see some hair.

I need some material for my readers.

We're not really beating around the bush,
here atFuck X.

Apparently.

If you're into it,

send me a few sketches,
to give me an idea. We'll go from there.

I'll send them to you. Okay.

You can go.

Goodbye.

Buddy, hello!

It's hot in there.

You want a drink?

-I'll go. What time is it?
-Dude, it's the night of the year!

Look at the girls around you.

You're better off here with us
than stuck at home, all alone, right?

-Shall I buy you a drink, Nemo?
-No, thanks.

Fuck!

What's going on? Where am I?

-Who are you?
-Your neighbor.

Your baby fell on me.

Fuck! Are you all right, Léo?

-Where are we going?
-The OR. But no baby.

No. It's not my…

-Can you stay with him?
-What?

-François, my boyfriend, will pick him up.
-Hurry up.

Call François.

-I don't know how.
-No.

He doesn't walk yet.

If he cries, grab his turtle and do:

"Hi, Mrs. Tchouk Tchouk. Hi!"
You saved him.

You're like his guardian angel.

Do you believe in angels?

I don't know. Not really, no.

Hi, it's François,
leave a message. It's cool.

Yes, hello. It's Thomas Platz.

It's not cool,
I have your girlfriend's baby.

She's my neighbor and is in the hospital.
Call me back. Thank you.

Yes?

Hello, I'm looking for a nursery nurse
who works here,

her name is Marie Deville.

I checked, but I'm not a doctor.

Lolo?

Marie Deville, do you know her?

Thomas?

-Violaine.
-No, Lorraine. What's wrong?

Nothing, I was taking a stroll and then…

I wanted to see Marie.

She stopped working here.
She runs a place called "Happy Babies".

-How is Marie doing?
-I haven't seen her in six months.

It's been a year since she left me.

But anyway…

I've grown up since.

I'm more responsible now.

Sorry, I have to go, I'm in a hurry.

-Can you follow me?
-Well, yeah… Hey!

-Was it "Singing Babies"?
-"Happy Babies."

-What did you do with your child?
-My child?

Crap! Yeah. He's over there.

You have a child?

She's under observation. Still weak.

She had a spike of fever
and that's why she lost consciousness.

-The doctor will see you tomorrow morning.
-Tomorrow?

Yes, here. Her personal effects.

Here.

Hi, it's François,

leave a message. It's cool.

Fucking hell!

Are you all right?

Yes. Just a sec. Hang on.

Don't move, okay?

Check this out. Look.

It's coming. All right?

There you go.

Wow, you stink.

I'm not touching that.
Sorry, there's nothing I can do for you.

No. You're going to have to be strong.

Oh no, it stinks. It's disgusting.

No, I don't do that. I'm sorry.

Shit!

Hold on!

Yes, hello?

Yo, dude, it's François.

I didn't really understand
the message you left me.

I'm in Dam partying with friends.

What? Where are you? Where?

I wanted to make sure Mélanie
and the baby are all right.

Thank you for looking after him.

Oh no, hang on! I'm not looking after him!

What? Hello? I can't hear.
I hear nothing at all.

I can't hear, never mind.

It's really nice of you, dude.
Thanks a lot!

I'm out of minutes.
See you next time. Bye!

Bye, dude!

Hello?

Damn! That motherfucker!

Following an infection,
the lungs were affected.

She's in an induced coma,
so she doesn't suffer

until she can breathe normally again.

She's in a coma?

It's more a kind of general anesthesia
that lasts a few days until she recovers.

-So she's going to wake up?
-Listen,

in four or five days, we should be able
to get her out of her sedation,

if there are no respiratory complications.

Here, I changed it for you.

Thank you very much.

-Hello, Sylvie.
-Hi, Flore.

Hello, you.

Hello, you. Hello!

He is so cute. What's his name?

Claude.

Claude?

His name is Claude.

Claude…

Claude…

HAPPY BABIES
RELAXATION - COMMUNICATION

Had you looked like a dad,
she wouldn't have left.

HAPPY BABIES

RECEPTION

Can I help you?

Yes, I wanted to know…

I wanted to have information
on baby massage lessons.

Or some…

Prenatal singing workshops,

or yoga classes, mom-baby, too.

For your wife?

No, more for me.

Prenatal singing is for pregnant women.

Oh, okay.

-Is your wife pregnant?
-I don't think so.

No.

Thomas?

Marie?

Wow. What a…

It's incredible.

-What are you doing here?
-You know each other?

Yeah, that's my…
Yes, we know each other, yes.

How are you?

I'm all right.

It's yours?

That bassinet?

I mean, the…

Well, yes, he's mine.

Cut the bullshit.
Is it true, did you become a dad?

Yeah…

No, I don't believe you.

No, I am! Really.

That's crazy. But since when?

This morning.

This morning… I mean, not long ago.

How old is he?

He is small. I mean, he's…

Excuse me, it's weird to see you,
I wasn't expecting that.

I wanted to tell you
so you wouldn't hear it from someone else.

That's why you came.
You knew I worked here.

You work here?

Come on, stop.

What?

Didn't you come here to see me?

No, Marie. No.

Or because…

Yeah, it's weird to see you.
And it's weird to see you with a baby. So…

There, I said it. It might be blunt,

-but honesty is important.
-Of course. It's important.

It's really nuts.

Actually, it's his mom who wanted

information on baby massages
or early learning classes.

Something like that.

But it's a bit awkward
since you work here. Sorry, my bad.

But why? Does that bother you?

It doesn't bother me at all.

No, it doesn't bother me,
but I imagine for you, it's a little…

A little?

No, but it's…

No, Thomas, it's fine!

We're no longer together,
there's no problem.

You can attend a class now,
there's an introduction to sign language.

Is it for the deaf and hard of hearing?
Because mine talks.

I mean, not yet, but he will--

It's unrelated, it's a new way
of developing communication.

Give it a try.

What's your name?

Fuck! What's your name?

You obviously can't tell me your name.

Your name is "daddy's baby".

It's daddy's baby.

Eat.

-Do you know this one?
-To drink. Drink.

For those who breastfeed, you do the duck.

And we show it towards the breast.
Suckling.

Suckling.

-For the others, the bottle.
-Bottle.

A bottle of milk.

Afterwards, the babies,
with moms and dads, can play.

They play!

Mr. Little snail

Carries on his back

His little house

As soon as it rains

He's so happy
He sticks his head out

Want to put him in his diaper
to play on the rug?

Well done, moms.

-You don't want to undress him?
-Who?

-Well…
-You like that?

Yes, right. Sorry.

There you go.

There.

-I like eating.
-Yes, he's--

-Do you want to drink?
-You do?

Apparently, your mom put on
the bodysuit daddy doesn't like.

Yes, I have a hard time with this "bobby",
I don't know why.

I prefer his blue "bobby".
I always struggle with this yellow one.

What's his name, by the way?

Léo. He was born on September 2nd
at 6:41 p.m.

3.4 kilos, 51 centimeters.

Léo?
It's a pretty common name, but it's cute.

Yeah, that's not bad.

-I like it, but…
-Yes, I figured as much.

Here.

Fuck! Which one is it?

Here.

You're stealing my baby.

Oh, sorry, excuse me.

Oh yes, my darling.

-Excuse me.
-No, it's all right.

All naked, with their diapers,
it's hard to recognize them.

Nothing looks more like a buttock

than another buttock.

Is it your first time here?

-Yes.
-You'll see, it's great.

Since my break up, I love it here.

Take the massage classes, for instance,

I love it just as much as my baby.
I'm Valérie. Nice to meet you.

Thomas.

I work here. I handle prenatal singing
on Thursday evening.

See you soon, Thomas.

-Goodbye.
-Goodbye.

You see? For sign language,
your son is behind.

He's behind? He's dumb?

You're the dumb one. Stop it.
He's too young, that's all.

What about massages?
Would he be old enough for massages?

Yes, for massages,
I can sign him up for sure.

I have to go.
I'm meeting my boyfriend at an exhibit.

Thank you.

Don't tell his mother.

About his mother,

sorry to be nosy,
but when did you meet her?

Because we broke up a year ago,
almost to the day.

-Your son is four months old.
-Yes, but he was born early.

At eight months. And his mother
got pregnant on January 5th.

I remember, because it was an accident.

-Who is he?
-It's okay, it's my ex.

-And the baby is his?
-Yes.

It's your ex who didn't want a child?

Yes.

-But he had one in the end?
-Yes.

-Shall I stop?
-You'd better.

-Yes, hello?
-Thomas Platz?

-Yes, speaking.
-Patricia Logan, JLH Publishing.

Yes, hello.

Mr. Hamory had a cancellation.
He can see you today at 4:00 p.m.

Here's the address:
86-88 boulevard Bineau, in Neuilly.

See you soon.

Mr. Hamory will see you.

You sleep, okay?

Sleep, don't make a sound.

Hello.

Hello.

Show me.

Sit down.

Is that all you got?

Well, yes.

I have sketches at home.

-But these works are a bit more…
-Wow.

"Works"? Really?

I'm looking for a designer, not an artist.

Someone who can draw

a lawnmower or a vacuum cleaner, eh?

Oh, dear.

This too.

What's your specialty?

-Are you feeling okay?
-Yes.

What are you working on?

I'm working on calendars. Yes.

I mean, nudes.

What kind of nudes?

I do naked nudes,

destructured nudes--

It smells like shit in here, right?

I don't know, I can't hear.

Do you often carry a baby

in a sports bag, Mr. Platz?

-Five months, six months?
-Four and a half months.

Irina, my princess, three months, 17 days.

-Isn't she pretty?
-She is.

What an adventure, huh?

You're a sensitive person.
It shows in your drawings.

It's no surprise you're a father.

-That was before you were a dad.
-I don't know.

No, it shows. It's crap. And this one,
utter crap. This one is horrible.

Oh dear! Straight to the trash!
But this one, on the other hand,

it makes me travel.
It speaks to me, a story is being told.

Yes, that's beautiful.

Patricia? Yes.

Tell Bianchi I no longer need him.
Thanks. Bye.

One hundred postcards. Hurry up.
I'll keep an eye on him. No, I'm kidding.

-Come on.
-Goodbye.

Goodbye. A hundred.

Hush! Come on.

Hush!

Yes, I know, but--- Shush!

Can you stop?

Fuck!

What is it? What do you want?
What do you want? I can't do anything.

She's not here! She's not here, all right?

Do you like it? No?

There you go.

Damn, you did it?

You did it! You stole one!

-What?
-When did you steal him?

I didn't steal him.

You can tell me. We're family.
I won't rat you out.

He's not stolen, I'm helping my neighbor.

Did you steal a baby to see Marie?
You're a genius.

-Hey, will you lend him to me?
-Huh?

The baby, will you lend him to me?

Are you nuts? He's not a toy.

Come on!
Just one hour with him at the park.

Are you crazy? What are you doing?
He's not a toy, Paul.

-Come with me.
-Paul!

I won't report you!
You'll hand him back safe and sound.

Of course! They entrusted me with him.
Give him back!

Gross! Why are you spitting?

What about Marie? Did she believe you?

Yes, she even told me
that he looked like me.

What did you tell her?

That I got it with a girl right
after our separation, by accident.

Perfect.

And since then, you've separated?

Ah, no. I didn't specify that.

For her, you're a dad in a relationship?

Yes, I think so.

Oh, shit!

Thomas, there are rules.
Separated, divorced, widowed.

Yeah.

When are you going back?

-Nice, right?
-Very nice!

I'm not sure about…

-About?
-The pattern on your shirt.

Yes, kids love it.

Hi, Marie.

Hi.

Allow me to present…

Wait, don't tell me. Fabien or Patrice.

Fabrice. The famous singer
with whom we share our premises.

Hello.

-Fab.
-Tom.

Excuse me, it's Boris,

my boyfriend. He's in Hanoi.

He received a prize
for building an orphanage.

Wow! That's great.

Hello? Yes, Boris?

Boris, can you see me and hear me?

-What's his name?
-Léo.

-Léo? I don't like it. Just kidding.
-Yes.

-Léo, Léo goes up there…
-How did the award show go?

-Where are you?
-Here, my songs.

-No baby can resist.
-At the ambassador's?

Instant sleep.

Right, Marie?

Take it, it's a gift.

-Hello?
-Ten euros, a happy client.

-Boris?
-Pay me later.

Hello?

Marie,
I'm starting to book a lot of shows.

But for the Christmas party,
no worries, I'll be there.

Bye, I have a live in Verrière-le-Buisson.

-See you later.
-Bye.

-Bye.
-Bye, Felipe!

What's up with this guy?

He's a bit of a show off,
but he's very nice. And he's a good lay.

Hurry up! The class is about to start!

-You're not the teacher?
-No.

But you'll see, Felipe is great.

Lindos…

Let's start, slowly, as usual.

Hello, Léo. So?

Daddy's going to give you a massage?
Lucky you!

-Do you want me to rub some oil?
-Sorry?

Do you want me to rub oil on your body?

Give me your hand. I'll show you.

-Slowly.
-Give me your hand.

You need to warm up the oil beforehand.

You really need to warm it up.
Look, like this. You feel it?

You see? It feels nice, right?

Yeah.

You warm it up.

We gently massage the baby.

-It's very important.
-Both hands on the chest.

Feels nice, right?

Oh yeah, it's good.

There you go, relax.

Relax.

There you go.

-Can you feel it?
-Oh, yeah.

-It's better, no?
-Oh, yeah.

He's funny, did you see?

-Hello.
-Hello, how are you?

-Good, thanks. And you?
-Good.

And there, did you see?

You guys are so cute.

No, he's an old friend.

He's such a dumbass.

Lousy.

Lousy.

Lousy.

Lousy as well.

You guys really suck.

I'm disappointed.

I'm disappointed by the level,
by the mindset.

It's a void.

We had set rules, earlier on.

We had agreed on a common project.

What were the rules, Edgar?

The rules.

Focus…

-Generosity?
-And? And?

Selflessness. It's not complicated, Edgar.
Okay, pick up the balls.

-He told us to put them in the bucket.
-What?

-Did you tell her that you're separated?
-No, but I will, Paulo.

You have the baby,
but still don't look like a dad.

This is the Rolls Royce.

Aluminum frame, adjustable handlebars,
easy folding,

three backrest positions.

It's a marvel and it's brand new.

A little gift to myself last week.

Loosen up a bit, flexible legs,

relax your shoulders.

You look like a powerful Nadal dad.

There you go, relax your knees.

Here! There you are! You exude confidence.

You're believable, it's nice.

There's intent.

Channel Gerulaitis, McEnroe.

Precise, but fluid.
There, like that. You see?

Style is important.

It's all in the calves. Bend.

Comfortable. No hands. I'm not afraid.

I'm in control. Gloves on. I feel good.

Once again, you can face anything.

The stroller.

You can face anything.
I'm in control. I feel good.

I'm myself. No kid will boss me around.

When will you lend me the baby?

Get closer. Slowly.

And here, there is a connection
with the baby.

-Yes! Keep going.
-It's not a big deal.

-It's a little gift for the association.
-Looks lovely.

-Beautiful.
-Thank you.

-It's your babies.
-Congrats.

Is that your drawing? Oh wow!

It's gorgeous.
Let me know when you're doing a show.

Want to come to my place with Léo
and show me your drawings?

No? I dare you! Okay?

Do you dare? Wait, don't move.

-What are you doing?
-It's the sling I mentioned.

-What?
-You'll see, it's super nice.

Don't move. Look at me.

-Or it won't work.
-Okay.

-I'm off. Bye, everyone.
-Bye.

-Val, can you close up?
-Sure.

-Marie? Marie, wait.
-Don't move.

-Can you…
-Actually, I don't care about your thing.

There you go, sorry.

Sorry.

-Sorry.
-I don't understand.

Marie?

Wow. I thought she'd never
let go of me with that thing.

Didn't you see?
I showed you the "help" sign. No?

-Thomas, cut it out.
-What? It's not this one?

-No, not this one.
-Really?

This is "I love you".

Oh, I see! So, for instance,
if I do this to you now…

it means "I love you"?

And if I do that, it means "stop".
You get it?

Yes, totally.

-You're interested in sign language?
-I'm interested in your job.

But to be honest, at first,
I thought I was in a cult.

Oh, come on! "Love", "suckling".

-"I like", "I don't like". You're nuts!
-Stop it!

-Come on. We're not that ridiculous.
-No, for sure.

No, I wasn't talking about you,
but about Valérie. She's bonkers.

She loves young dads.

Especially separated dads.

-Why did I tell her that?
-Are you?

-Didn't I tell you?
-No. Did you?

That's none of my business, actually.

With Mélanie, it didn't last long.

It wasn't…

I'm headed to the store before closing,
Boris and I are celebrating six months.

So…

But it's good to see you again.

Champagne?

-What are you doing here?
-Nothing, I'm just shopping.

-What are you after, Thomas?
-Food. Drinks.

What are you doing exactly?

You show up at my job with your son,
tell me you're separated…

-Did you come to taunt me?
-No.

-Did you come to hit on me?
-No.

Okay.

You grocery shop this far from your place?

No, but Mélanie is getting Léo back,
it's her week.

I'm running errands for her.

At any rate, I'm impressed.

We don't see each other for a year,
you've built your own business.

A lot has happened in a year.

You had a child, I met someone.

With Boris, we don't see each other much,
but it's really intense.

And then, sexually, it's quite something.

It's going really well.

All right. I'm taking the wino line.

You stay with the moms and dads.

Hold on! You know the…

The cream for massage.

-Yes?
-So…

It's weird, I think that
it's giving him a butt rash.

Would you mind taking a look?

Now?

Why, yes. Come here.

Check this out.

-No, it's fine.
-Is it?

Yes, everything looks good.

Bye, Léo. You have a very nice butt.

You too.

Stop screaming.

I don't have your turtle. Here, take this.

Oh, look! What is it? Is it the duck?
It goes "quack quack".

No? Oh, and that's the giraffe, she goes…

And look, what is this?
That's true. What's this?

Hello, Mrs. Tchouk Tchouk.

Hello, Mrs. Tchouk--

What? My turtle is not that bad. Right?

All right. Okay.

Come on! Enough already.
Léo, you're really pissing me off.

You're a pain in the ass!

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Yes, it's me. Where are you?
I didn't hear you leave.

Really?

But when are you coming back?

No, I thought we were spending
the weekend together.

Feels like I see you less and less.

Okay.

Bye.

She's going to see you.
We'll see ourselves.

Hello!

What do you want?

Well, I lost my turtle.

And I wanted to know
if you hadn't picked it up by chance?

I did! And I don't know
how it landed in my bag.

Ah, yes!

Could I get it back at Happy Babies?

No, out of the question. It's my day off.

Could I come pick it up at your place?

No, Thomas, you're not coming to my house.

I'll drop it off at your place
late afternoon.

All right!

That's great, I'll show you my apartment,

my room and my toys.

Yeah, sure. Bye. Okay.

What an asshole!

"I'll show you my room and my toys…"

What room? What toys?

Crap! I'm so dumb!

Which famous singer won Roland-Garros?

Answer A: Yannick Noah.
Answer B:

Alain Souchon.

Answer C: Jean-Pierre Mader.

You were not born yet,
but it's like 1515 or 1789.

It's part of our history. In 1983,

I beat Guillaume Raoux in junior league.

Stay put, I'll be right back.

-Montrouge Tennis Club.
-Paulo, it's me.

Marie's going to stop by. I need stuff
for my place or I'll blow it.

You got things like a baby carriage,

-and a changing table?
-You're going too far. Tell her the truth.

I can't.

-Not now.
-Thomas,

think of Agassi. The day he took off
his wig, he won everything.

Believe me,
you don't build a relationship on a lie.

Yes, hello?

Yes. Hello, doctor.

Finally?

Perfect. We're on our way. Yes.

Your mom is awake.

What a bummer.

She's a pain the ass.

He's changed, hasn't he?

I don't know.

Here. Oh yeah, that's good!

Hi, it's François,
leave a message. It's cool.

Hi, François, it's me, you motherfucker.

You motherfucker,
you're a big motherfucker.

Don't call me back.

What a fucking asshole.
He's not the father so he doesn't care.

What's wrong?

You know, I noticed that he likes
to be more upright when he drinks.

Sit him down. Here.

Lift him up a bit. There.

You're too connected.
I was right, you're his guardian angel.

You're leaving today?

No, tomorrow.

They want to run a bunch of tests all day.

What's your plan for Léo?

Well, actually…

It may be a bit of a hassle,
I know I'm pushing it,

but can you look after him tonight?

Let me think. All right.

Okay, great.

He needs calm, rest. Some peace and quiet.

Yes, Marie.

I have the turtle. Come down.

I stepped out, but give me a minute.

I'll put it in your mailbox.

No, don't move, I'm coming.

-Okay? Do not move.
-Okay.

Fuck!

There we are. We were taking a walk.

-Didn't you leave Léo with his mom?
-No.

No. Yes!

But she screwed me over. Anyway…

-Here.
-Thank you.

See? Your turtle is here!

Thank you. You saved my life.

Can you hold him, please?

Thank you.

Your son is very handsome. How old is he?

-He's… No, but he's not my son.
-He's four months old.

-He's very handsome, really.
-Thank you, Madam.

Thank you.

Want to come up for a quick coffee?

A coffee, no, but a quick beer, sure.

Don't mind the mess.

What's going on? Easy, Tiger.

There's white wine in the fridge,
help yourself.

Well…

No. I'm going to go, I'm not staying.

Here you go. Don't move.

There.

There you go!

Excuse me.

Are these drawings new?

You changed your style.

Yeah, it's true that…

I do more postcards and sketches.

It looks different, no?

Yes, and there are things that grew.

Here.

No, sorry. You're not staying, I forgot.

No, I'm not staying. Indeed.

Yes.

Close your eyes.

Go to sleep.

Sleepy time, little Léo.

Go to sleep, little Léo

Hush, there you go.

I'm turning the light off on my way out.

This is the best part of the day.

We love them,
but also when they're asleep.

He killed me.

Looks like you're doing well.

You know, Marie…

This baby fell on me.

I was stunned.

Excuse me.

Léo? Take it easy.

Take it easy.

What's going on? You're choking?

What's the matter?
I don't know what's going on.

-He's choking!
-Wait.

-Shall I call the paramedics?
-Wait, let me see.

-Okay. I'm calling 911.
-Let me take a look.

Sorry, but he's choking.

Yes, hello? Hello, Sir.

I have a breathing baby.
But he's really wheezing.

I'd need someone…

Yes, 56 rue Jean-Pierre Timbaud.

56, yes. And my name is Platz. Okay.

Hand him to me.

Calm down!

What's wrong with him?
They're on their way, it's okay.

-Calm down. Fuck!
-Thomas, come into the bathroom.

Keep him on you like that.

I think it's laryngitis.

Water vapor humidifies the air,
it's soothing.

Talk to him softly, reassure him.

Everything'll be all right, I promise.

You'll be all right, Léo.

There you go.

You scared me, you know?

Yeah.

You don't care, do you?

You live the good life.

Everyone takes care of you.

You don't question anything.

Easy peasy.

Enjoy it, it doesn't last a lifetime.

Here we are.

Your mom is coming to pick you up.

Are you happy?

Come on!

I'm not going to start crying.

I'm downstairs. All right?

If you need anything…

don't hesitate.

-I…
-Bye, Léo!

-Bye, Mélanie.
-Bye.

Hi, you've reached Marie Deville,

please leave a message.

Yeah, Marie, it's Thomas.

Well… No, I wanted to…

thank you for last night

and tell you that…

Léo is doing well. That's it.

Hello.

-What do you want?
-No, sorry…

I heard him cry, I thought
you didn't hear him. Everything okay?

It's fine.

-Should I feed him?
-No, it's okay, thanks.

-You sure?
-Yes.

Aren't you sleeping?

No, I…

-Want to come down for a drink?
-Totally. Let me feed him.

He fell asleep.

Here!

I got him this.

-What is it?
-A gift.

-Are you nuts? It's huge.
-No, my pleasure.

I'm a bit like his daddy now.

-His what?
-His guardian angel.

You said that.

Thanks for everything you did. Really.

Nobody's ever done that for me or Léo.
No one.

I need a young guy
with an old soul, like you.

You know?

Someone grounded.
Not like that François motherfucker.

I understand how you feel, Mélanie.

But it's not possible.

What?

If I understand correctly, you…
You fell in love with me.

I mean…

Not in love with me,
but in love with us, this.

This image.

Anyway…

You and me, it's not possible.

Damn right! Definitely not possible!

What's the matter?

I'm not at all in love with you.

-Phew.
-I just don't find you attractive.

You're not really my type.
Sorry, I hurt your feelings.

Oh, no! No, not at all.

It's even reassuring.

I was afraid that this made up family
got your hopes up.

It was only five days.
Don't get too attached.

No, I'm not attached.

Léo and I are leaving,
going to my parents.

Our train leaves Saturday.

-Really?
-Yes.

-When do you come back?
-Never. Nothing is holding me here.

No, but…

You shouldn't lug him around like that.

Léo needs stability.

Bring your parents.

With me, Léo has a structure, markers.

-Don't ruin everything.
-Ruin what? What are you talking about?

Markers? It was only five days.
You're not his dad.

Yes, but we created a bond in five days.

We are close.

He does like you,
but what's gotten into you?

I'm allowed to give my opinion.

I'm the only one allowed
to make decisions for my son, okay?

Fine then.

Let's go.

Keep your back straight.
Don't use your back.

A straight back.

Push on your arms.

Come on, both legs.

Thanks, by the way.

Where is the little monster?
Did you return him?

Yeah?

He's with his mother. Yep.

She got him back.

I could barely say anything. Unbelievable.

-And then…
-Bend.

She said they're leaving Saturday
to go to her parents.

-She won't come back.
-Keep going. Faster.

It's crazy.
Léo and I have a party on Saturday.

Come on.

Crap, that's right.
We have a party on Saturday!

With Marie, with all moms.

The moms? Where is it? What is it?
Can I come? Is there a dress code?

-Forget it. It's a parents' thing.
-Be a team player, Thomas.

-Say I'm his godfather.
-Are you listening?

I no longer have custody of my child.

Thomas, you're single with no kids.

That's even worse.

Wake up, dude.

You'll have to tell Marie
you don't have a kid.

-You're disconnected from real life.
-Real life?

What do you know about real life? Huh?

Breaking kids' balls

as if they were athletes at Roland-Garros,

because you broke your knee at 12
and missed your career?

You would have them believe you're a coach
for the French team? You piss them off.

And you're telling me about real life?

Look at your office
with your trophies and photos.

Paulo, they're not champions. Okay?
And you're Paul Bordinot.

You're 39 and you're a tennis instructor
in Montrouge. That's reality.

Well, you're Thomas Platz
and you don't have a baby.

That's reality. Stop messing around

with the baby, his mom, Marie.
You'll end up hurting them all.

Hurt them?

I'm going to hurt them?

I took care of Léo night and day
while his mom was in the hospital.

Do you think it's easy to be a dad?

You don't know anything. Diapers, bottles,

it goes right over your head.
And I'll hurt them? Come on!

You know what? Actually, you're jealous.

You have no family, no girlfriend, no kid.

This is reality, my friend
and I'll never be like you. Never.

Hurt them?
Take a look at yourself, Guy Forget.

It doesn't fit. Shit!

-How is it going?
-We came to say goodbye.

-And I brought this back.
-No, keep it, it's a gift.

-When are you leaving?
-Tonight.

Are you happy?

I don't know, we'll see.
I'm happy my parents will get to see Léo.

Sure.

Can you come in? I have something for him.

There you go!

It's better than the big turtle.

It's easier to carry around.

Here.

Hello!

He recognized me.

Hello, Mr. Tchouk Tchouk.

No?

Hello, Mr. Tchouk Tchouk.

You know, the Mr. Tchouk Tchouk thing
never put him to sleep.

Hi, Léo.

How are you?

I can't stay long,
his mom is waiting for him.

-It's complicated.
-Yes, it's complicated.

By the way, Paul is here.

-You invited him.
-Paul?

Paulo?

-He's big.
-I didn't know he had a niece.

Well, me neither.

-Here, can you hold him for me? Thanks.
-Yes.

-Just a sec.
-Sure.

I wasn't a doting father,
but now, I don't know.

-Seeing him grow up…
-What are you doing here?

It's obvious.
I'm at the party with my baby.

Your baby? What baby?

See you later.

-What the hell is this?
-Don't touch him.

-He's asleep.
-Are you out of your mind?

You were right. I'm a loser.

I'm jealous. I'm copying you.

Listen, I'm sorry for what I said, okay?

Now get the hell out.

I'm one year old!

I'm one year old!

Take it easy.

Hush!

-Take it easy!
-No, stop it!

-Oh dear…
-I can't believe it!

Look! There! Go away!

My oldest is unbearable.

Hello, Thomas.

Aren't you supposed to see Marie?

Hi, Valérie.

They're the cutest at this age.

That is true. Please have a sit.

-You can call me Valérie.
-Okay.

Sit down, Valérie. Tada!

I was talking about it earlier,

I realized I was a father fairly recently.

-That would be great.
-Léo too. Right, Léo?

This is my first concert
with these new songs.

I'm freaking out.

It's going to be fine, they're kids.

Precisely, they're kids.

If they love you, yay!
If not, you're fucked.

You can't cheat.
Even if you wear a costume,

that's what counts, you understand?

You have no idea.

Is it fine?

One…

Yes, oh my!

Orange.

Oh my.

Here you go, sweetheart. Yes, you like it.

Yes, it's good.

Yes, my love.

Oh, yes.

Yes, it's good.

I'm one year old!

I'm one year old!

Fab, they're waiting for us. Show time.

Hello, I'm Fabrice Le Gallec.

Marie, I need to talk to you right now.

-Three, four.
-Right now.

Look, I don't have a lot of time.

Marie…

I have to tell you. I screwed up.

-I completely screwed up.
-Yes.

-Yes?
-Yeah, you screwed up.

Now you have Léo, Mélanie…

No, not at all. You're wrong. It's me.

Me, I screwed up.

I completely screwed up.

-You understand?
-Yes.

-Yeah, you screwed up.
-I screwed up.

Yeah, I screwed up.

I'm one year old!

Thomas?

Léo?

Thomas?

BACK SOON
WE'RE THERE

That motherfucker!

He devoured my nipple.

No. Let it go.

Let it go!

Thomas!

Stop!

Thomas!

Thomas!

What did you do? Are you crazy?

You stole my baby. I got so scared!

No, I left you a note.

You scared the crap out of me.
How dare you! You're not his fucking dad!

You had him five days.

Who do you think you are? How dare you?

You're nuts! Stay away from him!

Léo, Léo goes up there, Léo

Get out of here, please.

Get out.

BIG LOSER

FUCKING LIAR

A daddy drowning in a bathtub.

A baby jumping into the void.

A dad who… What is he doing here?
What is that?

He's choking with his head
in a pack of diapers.

Okay.

Are you insane or what?

It's due in two days
and that's what you bring?

We agreed on birth announcements,
not death notices.

You're not the only one.
I have a waiting list.

You'd be surprised.
Lots of people want to work here.

You have two days to finish half the year.

Marie!

-She is not there?
-She's in Poitiers

-for a seminar on early childhood.
-Thank you.

-By the way!
-Yes?

Give this back to your friend.

Yes, thanks.

For the bachelor party?

No, I'm looking for the room
of Miss Deville.

Hi, Françoise, they are waiting for you.

Room 17.

Don't slam the door, I'll be quick.

I really want you.

I really want to make a baby
with you right now.

Boris?

No, Michel.

-Who is it?
-It's me, Marie.

You know, I…

I know what I did was a bad thing.

I got caught up in my own lie.

It wasn't good for Mélanie or Léo.

Look at her. Believe me.

I've wanted to tell you
ten or fifteen times.

But I couldn't.

I got scared.

Saying to the person you love:

"I'm a mistake, a mirage.

Everything you love about me is fake…"

It's impossible.

I came today…

to ask your forgiveness.

Sorry for waiting so long
to chase after you.

I miss you.

I miss you so much.

What do you think?

Maryline or Mélissa?

Françoise.

Pretty funny for a stripper, right?

-Françoise.
-Yeah.

Should we start over?

Champagne?

Hi, Thomas. I'm Marie.

-Here we go!
-Go!

Let's go!

Yes!

As much as possible!