The Snarling (2018) - full transcript

When a cursed new horror film is being made in their village, locals Les, Mike & Bob see their chance to cash in and get famous. As the local Detective Inspector and his hapless sergeant Haskins eventually trace a link in recent bloody mutilations to the film, the race is on to stop the killings before our local heroes get caught up in the real blood and guts.

[ominous music]

[tense music]



- [Man] Cut!

Stop, stop, stop!

- For fuck's sake.

It's my only scene.


- Jesus.


What the hell is going on?

I say when we cut.

- Well, if she's gonna attack me
like that

and you don't see the problem's,

then someone has to take charge.

- All right, all right.

Calm down.

- I've been up all night
and I'm seriously

gonna get one of my
heads in a minute.

- What exactly is the problem,

- It's that extra, or
whatever the fuck she is.

If the undead are supposed
to be attacking me,

then I'm gonna need
them to be a little bit

more vocal about it.

- Vocal?

- You know, raw.

- She's a zombie.

- You're telling me.

Where the fuck
do they get these people?

If she is just gonna
go about whining,

and not take it seriously,

then it's not gonna make
me look menacing, is it?

A real zombie
wouldn't just moan.

- Right.

Well, we'll deal with it.


Can we get the zombie to roar
when she attacks Greg, please?

- Roar?

- Just do it, sweetheart.


- Thanks, love.

Look, I'm sorry.

I don't want to seem
difficult or anything.

You know, I just want this
movie to be marvelous.

But seriously, if she
doesn't roar this time,

can we think about
replacing her?

Maybe get a guy.

- Yeah.

Of course, Greg.

No problem.

First positions.

- Thanks.

- Thank you.


First positions then please,

Greg, hat.

- Oh, sorry, love.

- Come on, people.

Continuity should be
picking up on this stuff.

We'll take that roar
out in the edit, okay?

Okay, we're going for a take on
this one.

And rolling!


And action!



[rifle thudding]

- That was better, Bruce.

I hope you didn't mind, love.

I wasn't being divaish, was I?

I mean, I wouldn't want people
on set

to think that I'm some sort of.

- Cut.

[ominous music]

- Stop.

This isn't right.

We shouldn't be here.

- Let me see.

How did we get on this path?

- See, it must've been
when we crossed this river.

See, we should've
taken this route.

We're way off.

Can you get maps on that thing?

- No.

Still no signal.

Look, it's dark,
I've had enough.

Let's just put up the tent here

and get a fresh start
in the morning.

All right?

- Fine.

- Well, he was supposed to
be in a scene yesterday,

only he never showed up.

It's not like him.

He still had his zombie
eyes in, and his makeup on,

and everything.

- And is it true that he
is not the first person

to disappear from this film set?

- Apparently, they found a body
last week.

One of the camera crew,
someone said.

It was horrible by all accounts.

Looked like something
out of the film.

I think some animals had got
to him before the police did.

- Yes, well they're saying
that this film is cursed.


What do you think about that?

- They would say that,
wouldn't they?

Horror film, isn't it?

It's good for publicity.

- And apart from the

didn't the film also
suffer delays when a scene

being shot in a zoo had to be
abandoned because the star,

and members of the crew,
were attacked by wild dogs?

- That's right.

- Well, Dawn.

Let's hope your colleague turns
up safe, well, and undead.

- Yeah.

- Well, I'm sure you'll be
keeping an eye out for him.


- Great.


In other news,
the same film company

will be filming a
second film which is.

[growl echoes]

- What was that?

- Probably just a deer,
or a sheep, or something.

There's loads of animals out on
the moors.

- Yeah, but we're not
on the moors, are we?

'Cause we strayed off the path

exactly like we were
told not to.

[creature growling]

There it is again.

- I heard that.

[tense music]

- Hello?

Anyone out there?


- I've got a torch on
my phone with a camera.

- This had better not
be one of those tricks,

or something to try to scare us.

It's a bright night and we'll
find you.

And when we do,
we'll tear you a new.

- [Man] Eyes.

It's human.

- Was human.

The fuck's done that?

- We've gotta go.

We've gotta go
right fucking now.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Calm down.

It's plastic.

- What?

- It's just latex and makeup.

It's not real.


This is.

[creature growling]

[man yelling]

- Oh, that's better.


Want to know some buried secrets
and very interesting news?

- Not really.

- Probably shouldn't
say anything

'cause I was sworn to secrecy
by Phil at the butchers.

He says they're filming a
new zombie film around here.

He said they're using
our town as Lower Volts,

a made up village, ravaged
by the living dead.

Like Milton Keynes.

- I'm serious.

- Yes, Les.

They start shooting on Monday

with scenes from the pub in
Lower Volts.

- How do you know
so much about it?

- Welcome to The Severed Arms.

- You are?

- They're using the pub
as The Severed Arms,

the local pub in the film.

[breathing heavily]

- No way.

- Way.

They were in here
a couple of weeks ago

measuring up and everything.

It's all supposed to be
very hush-hush.

- Honest?

- Yep.

Showed me pictures of
what it's gonna look like,

and all the stars,
and everything.


Well, the main bloke does
enough look like you.

- Who is that?

- Greg Lupeen.

I couldn't believe it
when I saw his picture.

You must have a double.

- Well, I'll have a JD.

Cheers, Bob.

Oh, I know Greg Lupeen.

He's a right twat, he is.

And you think he's like me?

- Yeah.

Well, more so now.

[breathing heavily]

So this is gonna be
one of the locations.

'Course it's gonna
cause some disturbance,

but their gonna
reimburse me for loss

of take-ins on top of the fee.

- What, three pints
and a pork pie?

- Shh.

I told 'em it gets really busy.

[breathing heavily]

It's a bit of a secret, Les.

But do you know what
they're paying me?

- No.

- Good.

I know what you're
like with secrets.

Here, have a pork pie
on the house.

[breathing heavily]

[door opens]


Is it raining?

- Pissing down.

- Hey, Mike.

Do you know what?

- Yep.

- Ah, well.

No you don't.

You don't know
what I was gonna say.

- Pint please, Roberto.

I'll tell you what, Lesley.

If I can guess what you're
about to say, you owe me a pint.

If I get it wrong,
I'll buy you one.


- No chance.

You'll win.

You always catch me out somehow.

What was I gonna say then?

- You were gonna tell me
about the new

pelican crossing
outside the school.

- Wrong.


- You just lost yourself
a pint then, didn't ya?

You want to try again?

- I don't know.

What do you reckon, Bob?

- Well, he got it wrong fist
time, Les.

I'd give it a go.

- Okay.

You're on.

What was I gonna say then?

- You were gonna tell
me that they're making

a new horror film around
here using the local town

and various buildings for

in the fictitious village of
Lower Volts.

Including using this place
as their local boozer,

The Severed Arms.

- Shit.

- Two pounds today.

Please, Les.

- Cheers.

- How did you know all that?

- Bob told me last night.

[subdued music]

- Where do you want
the stretcher?

- Won't need a stretcher.

- You'd be better off
with a shovel.

- Christ.

Is that?

- No, no, no.

I've got a log burner.


Take those and put, 'em
in the boot, Haskins.

- Okay.

- Well, the main body's
over here.

- And now I'm getting
one of my heads.

I knew this would happen.

- We'll have a word with her,

- Well, have two.

And make sure
one of them is off.

- Well.

- Last night that zombie extra
was trying to steal my scene.

My fucking scene!

- She was trying to do it
quietly, Greg.

- All she had to do was
get smashed in the face

with the butt of a rifle.

- You did hit her rather hard.

- First, she doesn't
roar when she attacks me.

And then, when she gets
her head smashed in,

she falls out of shot and only
spits out two fucking teeth!

- They were her teeth, Greg.

- And now as it's my scene,

suddenly she can manage to
scream for fucking England!

- We'll have a word.

- Well, make sure you do!

Now, fuck off!

- Cock.

- [Policeman] Looks like
something a pack

of wild animals would've done.

- Well, I think we can rule out


I want a full report on
this as soon as you can.

And team, keep looking for any
other bits.

There's still a couple of
limbs missing.

- Is this how the
deceased were discovered?

- More or less.

Haskins managed to slip in some.

- Over here, sir.

Found a phone.

- Excellent.

Bag it, tag it.

Get it to the lab.

- We've got a lab?

- Yeah.

Get it checked out.

I want to know if they made
any phone calls before,

or after, they died.

Get that SIM card checked.

- Over here, sir.

Found something.

- Excellent.

What do we got, Haskins?

- [Haskins] Nice bit of
spruce it think, sir.

- Are you all right?

- I told you.

I got one of my heads coming on.


Oh, god.

It's gonna be
fucking murder tonight.

- Shall I go and get?

- I just need to be
left alone for a while.

I just want to lie down.

- I'll go and get.

- I do not want to be disturbed.

You're supposed to be a runner!

Fucking run!

[tense music]

- Well, that's me done.

I'll see you tomorrow, Robert.

- All right, Nobby.

Don't forget your torch.

- You off, Nobby?

- Yeah.

- See you next Wednesday.


- Cheers.

Stick it on the tab, Bob.

- You still owe me for.

What's that?

- [Les] A finger.

- Christ.

That's horrible.

- It's not even
been something fried.

- It's just the box I put it in.

I found it on the carpark
by the bins.

At first, I thought it
might have been a fox.

- What, with human fingers?

- No, no, no.

That put it there.

- In the box?

- By the bins.

- Jesus.

- It would be a prop from
that film, wouldn't it?

- Oh, yeah.

Of course.


Looks good, though.

- Finger lickin' good.

- The film crew will be
looking for that, you know?

- He'll ask around.

- See those two over there?

I reckon they're with
that film lot.

- Yeah, they stick out like a
sore thumb.

- You got one of those in there
as well?

- I don't suppose
either of you are

looking for a finger
in the carpark?

- They've been here
all afternoon

drawing on their fancy iPads.

Here you go, Dad.

They made two glasses of white
wine last all bleeding day.

- [Mike] Well, they're probably
from London, ain't they?

Two glasses of wine
cost 20 quid down there.

That's why I moved up here.

- Do you reckon I could charge
20 quid?

- No, Bob.

- Well, you just said in London.

- But we're not in London.

In London,
you have London waiting,

proper decor, proper music.

- We've got proper...

Actually, this isn't even proper
Blue Nun.

- Yeah, and the only waiting
you have in here, it's um...

It's when...

Oh, bollocks.

That was a good joke, that was.

I nearly had it then.

- Yeah, don't worry about it,

I don't think performing arts is
for you.

- That's where you
might be wrong.

Two more white wines, please.

- 18?

- No, Bob.

- You guys local, yeah?

- Local?


We're as local as...

As, um...

As your local shop.

- Our local shop is in

- Our local shop then.

- Our local shop's Lidl, Les.

Lidl's German.

- All right.

We're as local as, got it.

Waiting at the bar,
London waiting.

That's it!

The only waiting you
have in here.

- Shut up, Les.

[growling and screaming]

Sorry, I'm Mike.

The boys are local.

They grew up around here.

You were saying?

- That'll be 15 pounds, please.

- No it won't, Bob.

It's okay.

I'll get 'em.

Stick 5.50 on me slate.

- Thank you.

I'm Ryan and this is Trace.

Assistant producer on
the zombie film shoot.

What I was saying is we're
looking for some extras.

- So if any of you guys
fancy it,

it's merely background
stuff, but maybe a walk-on.

We got Greg Lupeen as the lead.

There are a few graveyard
scenes that we need people

to be on night shoots
as zombies.

Should be very exciting.

Lots of makeup, lots of blood.

All that kind of stuff.

- We get paid for it?

- Yeah, of course.

- I'm up for it.

Beats flipping burgers.

- Or plating my guys.

- Or bastard factory work.

I'm up for it, too.

Hey, can you imagine
seeing this place

with brain dead zombie
shuffling around?

- Well, we start in the morning,

so if you come with to
the truck with prod,

our production office,

then someone should be
able to sort you out.

- Do we have to wear
our own clothes?

- Um.

- Do we have to wear
our own zombie clothes?

- Do you have your
own zombie clothes?

- Nothing zombie, no.

- No.

We're sure wardrobe will be
able to sort you all out.

- You look strangely familiar.

What's your name?

- Les.

- What?

- Les.

- What?

- Les!

- Yes, Les what?

- Oh.


- Have you made
any films before?

- I made a few copies
of naughty nudes once,

but they all came out crap.

[creature growling]

- Another drink?

A little wine?

- Crumbs,
I wouldn't say it was little.

- No, Lidl.

It's from Lidl.

Would you like?

- No, no, no, no.

We've gotta be off.

- Yes, well here's my card and
we'll see you in the morning.


- [Mike] See ya.

- [Les] Bye.


- What the fuck was that?

- Hey, how about that?

We're gonna be in
a film in the morning.

I better pull me finger out.

Get it?

- Stop pissing about, Les.

Stick that behind the bar, Bob.

- Yeah, gonna be
in a proper film.

- That one called Trace.

Was that a bloke or a woman?

- He had an Adam's apple
and hairy arms, Les.

But because his name's Trace,
suddenly you're not sure.

- Well, it's a woman's name.

I went out with a Trace once.

- Ah, that's why
you're confused.

'Cause that one had an Adam's
apple and hairy arms as well.

- Did you hear what
he said though?

He said I seemed familiar.

- Yeah, well I wouldn't
get too familiar, Les.

You know what
this film lot are like.

They're all trouser bandits,

- I know.

Look, he's even
put it on his card.

Ass prod.

- No, you donut.

I think you'll find he's
the assistant producer.

- I reckon Ryan and Trace
will be

grooming you in the morning,

- Nah, they have hairdressers
for that.

I don't see those
two wanting to put

product in me hair somehow.

- I don't know.

I reckon the one might.

[tense music]

[wings flapping]

- Fucking.


[creature growling]

[creature growling]

- Oh, shit.

- Morning, Les.

- Hello, Mike.

Have you seen how much stuff
you can have for breakfast?

There's bloody loads of it.

You can have as much
as you like.

- What time did you get here?

- About six.

- [Mike] We're not called
till seven.

- I know, but they said
breakfast will be served
from five

'cause they're
shooting some dark,

scary scenes at the graveyard.

So I thought
I best get here pronto

before them bleeding actors
get in and wolf it down.

- Just for the free breakfast?

- Too right.

Saves getting your own,
doesn't it?

- That's typical Les Jarvis,
isn't it?

All them bleeding actors have
been working through the night

with all them
bleeding film crew.

You turn up at six o'clock
in the morning

just to get to the front
of the queue.

- I wasn't first in the
queue, for you information.

I was a few minutes late.

I would've been first,
but me mum had done me

a lot of toast and bacon.

- So you'd already
had a load of.

- Hello, Mike.

You all ready?

Seen any zombies yet?

- Just the one, Bob.

- Hi, Bob.

- Bloody hell.

What time is it?

I'm not late, am I?

- No, five minutes early,

- Blimey, this.

That looks good.

Gray putrified flesh
and the hair.

They're good, these makeup
people, aren't they?

- He's not been in yet.

- Oh.

- [Mike] He's only been
to the catering unit.

- Yeah, I've just been there.

They ran out of
nearly everything.

All the meats gone.

- Apparently, the meat
got stolen in the
night or something.

- [Bruce] And cut.

Okay, that's breakfast.

Back on set at quarter to,

Thank you.

- Why'd they nick all the meat?


Bloody starving.

Did you get anything?

- Did I, heck.

Lesley seemed to scrape
through though, didn't ya?

- I was lucky, really.

Hey, I managed to save the
last of the sausages for later.

- Oh, really?

- Yeah, there was only
a couple left.

They were like bullets.

Normally, I wouldn't eat this
stuff with a 10-foot pole,

but, well, you know.

Hey, you should've got
down here earlier, Bob.

I was the early bird and
that's why I've got worms.

- I'll have a word with
the girl in a minute.

- You should have a word
with the director or someone.

Never speak to the monkey, Bob.

Always speak to the organ donor.

- Okay, my lovelies.

I'm Alison.

I'm the first assistant

If you've been to
hair and wardrobe,

go and get yourself a
breakfast and sit on the bus.

Someone will come and
collect you when we're ready.

- Breakfast?

If only.

- Sorry.

Yeah, I heard that they
run out of breakfast

pretty early today.

And you are?

- Fucking starving.

- I'm Mike and this is Bob.

- Hi, Mike.

- [Mike] And this is.

- Oh, hi.

That looks good.

Didn't expect to see you here.

- I'm just chatting and stuff.

- [Alison] I thought you
were on set.

- Me?


- Okay.

It's just that I've never seen
you speak to extras before.

What is it that you call them?

Detestable pond life.

- Nice.

- We're sitting right here,

- Oh, did you manage to
get your special breakfast?

- Your what?

- [Man On Radio] Alison,
are you there?

- Sorry.

Go ahead, Steve.

Sorry, Greg.

I've got to leave.

You're breaking up, Steve.

- We'll be in the pond if you
need us.

Cheeky gal.

- Greg?

- Who's Greg?

- How come Greg gets
a special breakfast?

She called you Greg.

[phone ringing]

- She must've mistaken
me for someone.

- Yeah.


Greg Lupeen.

Even she thought you
looked like that twat.

She's not far wrong, is she?

You must look like him
if you even fooled her.


- That was the police.

They found Nobby from the pub.

A real mess.

- Well, he had sunk a fair few.

We were all in a bit
of a mess, weren't we.


- He's dead.

- What?

- He was attacked.

- When?

- Last night near a park on the
way home.

It was a frenzied attack.

Literally been ripped apart.

- Serial killer, or psychopath.

They seems to be random killings

following a similar pattern.

These horrible murders
are all linked

by one common connection.

- All male?

- No.

- All savagely attacked?

- No.

- All found in, or near,

- There's...

There are a few common
connections, but the.

- Oh, oh, oh.

All occurred during a full moon?

- No.

Did it?


Make a note of that.

The one common connection.

[pens rattling]

The one common connection is.

[pen banging]

The one common connection is
[phone vibrating]

that they are all in
some way linked

to this bloody zombie lot
making a film in the village.

So, what do we have?

Thank you.

The first victim was a
cameraman on the film.

Now, his body was discovered
in Wales whilst filming.

Then we got that grizzly
attack on the backpackers.

Now this.

[fingers snapping]


- What makes you so sure
it was a grizzly, sir?


- [Bruce] Great scene, Greg.

- You don't need to blow
smoke up my ass, Bruce.


Who do you have to kill to
get decent coffee around here?

[man yells]

- I'll get you some, Mr. Lupeen.

- Proper coffee.

Not the nasty shit
from that pub.

Oh, and get me the rewrites
to scene 17

before I actually shoot it,
will you?

- Yes, Mr. Lupeen.

- I'll be in my trailer

where I'll be trying to
fucking meditate.

Do not disturb unless
you're Spielberg,

Angelina Jolie, or God himself.

- Yes, Mr. Wanker.

Alison, Greg's gone back
to his trailer.

Seems he's his
twatty self again.

- Oh?

I've just been speaking
to him and he seemed fine.

He was even talking
to the extras.

What's the matter with him now?

- He's calling everyone amateurs

and says he thinks he has one
of his heads coming on again.

I don't think we're gonna
see him again for a while.

- Shit.

We need to complete on the
graveyard scene

before it gets too bright.

- Good luck with that.

He's gone to meditate.

He says the sunlight's
giving him a migraine.

- For fuck's sake.

Bruce will go mental.

We're already behind schedule.


- Were found dangling
from a tree.

Now, with the new
discovery of poor


God rest his soul,

I think we can be fairly
certain that somebody

from this film crew has
seen, or heard something.

There's a dangerous person,
or persons, out there.

- Sir?

- Yes?

- We've had a breakthrough
with the SIM card

from the backpacker's phone.

There's some footage on there
I think you might want to see.

- [Bruce On Radio] We need
to get ready to complete

on the graveyard scene, Ally.

Can you send Greg?

- He's refusing to come
out of his caravan.

Rachel, you better tell
Bruce that.

- Hold on.

Excuse me.

Les, isn't it?

- Uh, yeah.

- Les, it would seem that
you have a doppelganger.

- No, they're just
ordinary sausages.

You can have 'em back,
if you like.

- A clone?

- Oh.

- You know Greg Lupeen,
star of this film, right?

- I've seen pictures of him.

- You look so similar.

You could have the same mother.

- Shame he ain't got
the same father.

Could save a lengthy search.

- See, I told you
you look like him.

I thought it was you
when I saw him

getting out of his car earlier.

- Why, does he look like a
clown, too?

- Look, I'll be frank.

I need to speak to the producer,

but we need to get
a scene shot urgently

and I don't think we're
gonna get Greg outside.

It's only a middle
distance shot,

but if we paid you
some extra money,

would you be Greg for us?

- Okay.


- If he finds out though,
he will go ballistic.

- [Les] Okay.

- Right.

So I'm gonna need you two
to keep it under wraps, too.

Perhaps if we get you
both in the scene as well,

that way we'll all be in on it.

- Brilliant.


So you're gonna be Frank, I'm
Greg, so they'll have to be?

- Discreet.

- Brilliant.

We've all got characters.

- [Man On Tape] What?

[all gasp]

- [Man On Tape]
Latex and makeup.

It's not real.


This is.

[creature growling]

[man yelling]

[door slams]

- Fucking Jesus.

- Have I missed anything?

Ooh, Black Forest.

- How does he walk
in these trousers?

I feel like I've pooed me pants.


This is brilliant, isn't it,

- I know.

Who would've thought it?

Yesterday, we were nobodies.

Today, we're stars in a film.

- Think we'll get our name
in the credits at the end?

- No, we're just extras.

They don't put that, do they?

- No, I think he's right, Mike.

After all, it's like she said.

If we weren't doing this scene
for them,

their schedule would
be knackered

'cause of old stroppy
bollocks in that caravan.

I don't think he's right,
you know?

I'm going to ask them
about that credits thing.

I think they should.

- I wouldn't bother, Les.

No one's supposed to know
it's you anyway, remember?

- Oh, yeah.

- If you're gonna have a word
with them about anything,

see if you can get
some bloody food.

I'm starving.

- Hang on.

Here, Mike.

All right, Bob.

Get a load of this.

- Whatever it is, Bob, I think
he's kept it warm for ya.

- That better be a sausage, Les.

- It is a sausage.

Look, I've even wrapped it in
silver foil

so you can warm it up.

All you have to do is this.

- Les, what are you doing?

- It's clever, isn't it?

Only need a
few minutes in there.

Here you go, Mike.

I'll put one in for you as well.

- Les, you can't.

- Actually, Mike, I think on
this occasion

I'll take the chance.

I'm bloody starving.

Nice one, Les.

- Anything from Heddlu Cymru?

- Nothing, sir.

Oh, but the Welsh police
did send this footage

of that cameraman that was
killed from their investigation.

Similar circumstances.

They were shooting a
scene in a zoo near Wales,

then this happened.

[man screaming on tape]

- Not great footage, is it?

- No, it's crap.

If you ask me, they're better
off without that cameraman.

Sorry, sir.

- Look at all the animals.

They're going mental
over something.

So is this when the
cameraman was killed then?

- No, no.

I think someone
got bitten or something.

It was later that night when
the cameraman was killed.

- So it wasn't
one of the animals.

- No, not unless one
escaped from the zoo, sir.

But it was some kind of animal.

It was a real mess again, sir.

There were intestines

Some were missing.

No human could do that.

Guts strewn about the place.

Blood gushing from every wound.

The ribcage had been ripped.

- Yeah, it's all right.

Thank you.

- Sorry.

- An animal.

An animal, Haskins.

That could be what
we're looking for.


Get the lab to recheck
those bodies.

- We've got a lab, sir?

- Yes, we have.

It's sort of...


And have a word with
the Welsh Heddlu,

or whatever they're called.

Get them to check the
cameraman's body as well.

I want to see if there's
a hair, a tooth, anything.

- They all had hair and teeth,

Except the old fella.

I don't think the
teeth were his.

- Not theirs.

What killed them.

Can you roll that footage again?



Stop there.

- What is it, sir?

- I need to piss.

- [Toy] And this little
piggy went

wee, wee, wee, wee, wee all the
way home.

- Daddy, can you take
my music box, please?

- Oh, thank you.

I'll listen to it while riding.

- Wear your helmet.

- Yes, dear.

- Don't yes, dear me.

Steve's wearing his.

It'll save your life and
you'll thank me for it.

- Hiya.

Oh, see you've got
music to cycle by today.

- Yeah, Bella said
I've got to take it.

- Cool.

You ready then, Scott?

- Yeah.

Where are we going today then?

- Over to the other
side of the moor.

- What?

That's miles away.

- You said you wanted
to get fit.

- That'll kill us.

- Come on.

- See you later.


- Bye, Dad.

- [Scott] Bye-Bye.

- Bye.

- How the fuck can they be
shooting the scene if I am here?

Answer me that.

- It's only a wide, Greg.

- A fucking wide of the
fucking scene in which I behead

25 of the living fucking dead
by myself.

Me, the star of this
fucking film!

So, how the fuck can your
fucking scene be shot

and not include fucking me?

- You were in your trailer,

- I was in my trailer?

So you decide to carry on
without me?

So what if the director
decides to take a piss?

Someone else takes over?

- Sir.

Sir, look at this.

[growling and screaming
on video]

- This had better be important,

What is it?

- Look, sir.

All the wilds dogs are snarling
and going mental, but look.

They only seem to be
going mental

and snarling at one person.

- God, yes.

- Just move it on a few frames.

- No, I do.

Yeah, just.

- There.

Jesus, look at those teeth.

What the hell sort of dog
is that?

Now that one there
is the director.

They're all the same,
aren't they?

What a bender.

And that.

That's the actor Greg
something from all the adverts.


They're like catnip
to them dogs.

Oh, god.

It looks like that dog
thing really bites him.

Looks like it takes a
bite out of them all.

- Jeez.

- Nasty.

- Greg Lupeen.

That's who that is.


I think we ought to go and
have a word with Greg Lupeen.

I want to know what spooked
all those animals that night.


I also want to know what
happened in that cage

that evening as well.

Better bring your notebook.

- Autograph?

- Yep.

Oh, Haskins.

- Is something burning?

- And what makes it worse
is that you were going

to film it in secret while
I was locked in my trailer.

- Something is burning.

- The only thing that
should be burning

is my fucking contract!

I could shut this film down!

Here we go.

We've got the producer here now.

- I am sorry, Greg.

I have only just heard.

This had nothing to do with me,
I promise.

I will make sure that the
scene is shot with you

in the middle distance.

And we will make sure
that we see you

decapitate the zombies.

Heads will roll, Greg.

Trust me.

And not just the zombie ones.

Let me speak to Bruce.

- If you want talentless
untrained pond life

to star in your two-bit movie,

then maybe you should've got
Danny Dyer and not Greg Lupeen.

- Greg, darling.

I had nothing to do with
this ridiculous decision.

- What?

Wasn't it you that said?

- Quiet.

Go and get Greg a coffee now.

And find Bruce.

Let's get this mess sorted out.

- I'll go.

- Thanks, Rach.

Can anyone else smell pork?


- [Man On Radio] We've just
had a report back from the lab.

The university.

The professor of film and
media has managed to enhance

individual frames
of the phone footage

and can quite clearly see what
attacked those backpackers.

You're not gonna believe this,

But he says it looks like
a cross between a giant.

- A giant?

- [Man On Radio] Wolf-like dog
and a man.

- A nutter.

I told you, didn't I, Haskins?

A psycho.

I'm gonna need a list
of everybody

associated with that film.

Oh, and get me
a list of everybody

that was on that shoot
in Wales as well.

And get me
the results of the teeth

and hair check on those bodies.

- [Man On Radio] Oh,
another thing, sir.

The earlier footage
from Wales shows

that the animals in that zoo

were a vicious hybrid
of the timber wolf.

The crew should've been
nowhere near 'em.

They're lucky they
escaped with nothing worse

than just a bite.

I know this is gonna
sound crazy,

but there could be some validity
in the lycanthrope theory.

You don't know what I mean
when I say lycanthrope, do you?

- Of course I do.

He'll be saying we're looking
for a fucking werewolf next.

- Thank you.

You're not gonna take it
serious, are you?


It'll be druggies on skunk.

- Haskins, the victims were
ripped apart.

- It's strong stuff.

[engine starts]

[subdued music]

- [Haskins] Fucking cyclists.

Look at 'em.

Like a right pair of benders
all in Lycra.

- Right.

Pull up.

Let's see what they're up to.

You know, I really need to
have a word with you, Haskins.

- [Toy] And this little piggy
stayed home.

- Uh, lads.

You can't be.

- [Toy] And this little
piggy had roast beef

and this little piggy had none.

- Could you switch that
off a minute, please?

- [Toy] This little piggy went.

- You can't stop along
here with two bikes.

- I've got a puncture.

- Even so.

You can't stop along here.

You're likely to cause
an obstruction.

Look, it's for your own safety.

So, if you've got to do
that then take it up there.

Right off the road.

That's it.

A bit further.

It's a nasty stretch along here,
you see?

I mean, I wouldn't want anything
to happen to you out here.

If anything did happen, well,

I wouldn't want anybody to point
their finger at me and say.

- Is this him?

Is this who you've
replaced me with?

- Greg, it was a mistake.

- He is a mistake.

You were going to use
this hideous gargoyle

and you thought he
looked like me?

- Hang on a second.

I might be hideous and
even look like a gargoyle,

but I am not.


- You are nobody.

Did you really think
you could just jump in

and become the great
Greg Lupeen,

star of over 17 films and the
voice of Chunky Cut Crisps?

- Look, mate.

Oh, is that you on the Chunky
Cut adverts?


♪ When you need a snack
that's a little bit chunky ♪

♪ Get the bag that's a little
bit funky ♪

♪ Grab a Chunky Cunt


Chunky Cut.

- What the fuck?

Get me my fucking agent on
the phone right fucking now!

[subdued music]

- That's weird, isn't it?


- I can't hear anything.

- Exactly.

No birds, nothing.

- Hadn't really thought
about it.

I suppose it is a bit weird.

Especially out here.

It's quite eerie, actually.

- Hurry up.

Could lose the light
in a few minutes.

Look, use the light from that
sign there.

- You know, that's the only
light along this entire stretch.

It's no wonder there's been
so many incidents along here.

- Les, think your sausage
might be done.

- Just wait till
my agent arrives.

You bunch of amateurs
are in deep.

- Shit.

- Shit indeed, my friend.

Deep shit.

- Christ.

I'm never gonna eat.

- Your coffee, Greg.

- Mr. Lupeen!

- Your coffee, Mr. Lupeen.

Can we get someone to look
at this light?

- What, for the burnt bulb?


That just about sums
you people up.

You can't do a goddamn
thing for yourselves.

Make a decision,
use the right people,

shoot the right scenes!

And now, a simple job like
swapping a fucking bulb.

- Let me call someone.

- Call someone?


All you have to do
is take one out

and put another one
back in its place.

Like you do with lead
cast members it seems.

- I think we should
call someone.

- Oh, just get out the way!

All right.

What's in here?

Halogen, tungsten?

- Cumberland?

- I'll get someone from elecs.

- Maybe you want to get an extra

who just looks like
someone from elecs.

I mean, isn't that how you
people operate on this shoot?

Well, just like in the scene.

If you want something
done properly,

get the real Greg Lupeen!

- Seriously.

Greg, I'll get someone.

- You want to get someone,

Then get my fucking agent!

And then get me the union rep.

Someone is going
to fry over this.

And I do mean fucking fry!

[electricity zapping]

[Greg grunting]

- [Man On Radio] All the power's
just gone down here, sir.

- Same here.

- [Man On Radio] Right.

Well, good news.

We've got a match on some DNA

found on the cameraman in Wales.

- Go on.

- [Man On Radio] It seems that
a Gregory Baggins was swot

when he spent the night
at Her majesty's Pleasure

during the poll
tax riots in 1990.

Gets better.

The same DNA was found
on the baseball cap

found at the scene of
the backpacker's murders.

- Got him.

Hold on.

Who's Gregory Baggins?

- [Man On Radio] He later
changed his name to Greg Lupeen.

- The film star.

I said that, didn't I?

Didn't I, Haskins?

- No.

- I bloody did.

- [Haskins] You never said it
was him.

- I did.

- You just said you thought it
might be

one of that film lot.

- I said it was...

Just drive, Haskins.

We're on our way.

It'll give me great
pleasure to charge him.

- [Man On Radio] Then
you'd better turn around

and head back.

He's just been rushed
into Norton Hospital.

He's been electrocuted.

- Sounds like he's already
been charged then, sir.


[imitating electricity zapping]

- What's the matter with you?

- I'm sorry, sir.

I think it might be the
energy drinks.

- Right.

Get a uniform placed outside
that ward.

We're on our way.



[tires squealing]÷¦
[liquid splashing]

For fuck's sake, Haskins.

- Oh, great.

The only light for miles
around and the power goes off.

- Well, at least it's a
full moon.

- [Scott] Here.

- Ah, thanks.

That's a bit better.

Not much, but at least.

[creature growling]

- What the fuck was that?


♪ Who's afraid of the
big bad wolf? ♪

- Turn that shit off.

♪ Big bad wolf,
the big bad wolf. ♪

♪ Who's afraid of the
big bad wolf? ♪

♪ Tra, la, la, la.

[creature growling]

[tense music]

- [Scott] I think you better
hurry up.

- Who'd have thunk it?

A big star like Greg
Lupeen, a bloody werewolf.

- Well, we don't really
know that for sure.

But one thing we do know for
sure is that we can place him

at the scene of these
horrendous murders.

And as well as the
DNA in his hat.

It also had his bloody
name in it.

- Gotcha.

I never knew werewolves
were actually real.

I mean, I know
Frankensteins are.

So, are we gonna
arrest the bastard?

- Haskins, he might not be a
bastard yet.

He has to be found guilty first.

Anyway, we may have to
wait a while for that now.

- He thought he was
gonna be in a big film,

but he just end up in casualty.


You get it?

- Haskins, I can assure
you that that is not

in the least bit amusing.

Anyway, with him now
in hospital,

at least there'll be
no more killing.

[tense music]

- [Scott] Come on.

How much longer
is it gonna take?

Fuck this.

Just leave it.

Ride it as it is.

Let's get out of here.

- I'm going as fast as I can.

I can't get the valve lined up.

[creature growls]

- It's in the trees.

- It's coming.

[creature growls]

- Fuck this.

Come on, let's get out of here.

- No way.

These are 26-inch
Shimano Dura Techs.

Do you know how much
these bad boys go for?


[creature growling]

[thud echoes]

- What the fuck was that?


♪ Who's afraid of the
big bad wolf? ♪

♪ Tra, la, la, la, la.

- Good morning and a
good day to you.

We've quite a meal for you here.

There's some bacon and eggs,

orange juice, and toast and jam.

That's good stuff here.

Now eat it up and I'll
be back for the dishes

when you finish.

- Cold.

It's just like being
back in the '80s.

- Good morning.


So you must be.

- A werewolf.

That's what they're saying.

A bloody werewolf.

- I know.


They reckon it was that
Greg from the film.

- Yeah, that's what
this one says.

A professor at the university
has evidence, he reckons.

Says the recent wave
of brutal attacks

was the work of a lycanthrope.

- Which is?

- No, not witches.

- A werewolf, Les.

- All the brutal murders took
place during a full moon.

All were torn apart and
the claw and teeth marks

match that of a timber wolf,
only larger.

Greg Lupeen has no alibi for
the times of the murders,

always alone in his trailer
suffering from severe headaches.

All which coincided
with lunar activity.

- This one says his hat
was found at the scene

of one of the murders with his
DNA on it.

- Oh, the dirty bastard.

- No, Les.

DNA doesn't necessarily mean.

Oh, forget it.

- Apparently, he was
bitten while they were

filming a zoo by Wales.

- How do you get
bitten by whales?

- The zoo near Wales.

He was bitten by a wolf.

- And another thing.

In the Star, it says here,

if you change a letter
of his name, Lupeen,

it spells lupine which means

There you go.

Now that's proof.

- How is that proof, you donut?

My dad's called Leonard.

You change a letter in his name,

does that make him a leopard?

- I don't know.

Which letter?

[tense music]

- You all right?

- Jesus.

Never seen a body in
such a state.

- Should've worn his helmet.

- Haskins, the lower half
of his body's missing.

What the hell
could've done that?

[toy winding down]

- Something doesn't add up.

Why would he come into
the woods to fix his bike?

Why not just do it on the road?

The moon was full.

It would've been much brighter.

- [Haskins] And safer.

- What have you got there,

- Music box, sir.

- Has it been dusted for prints?

- No, sir.

- Put it down then.

Don't wipe the...

You'll wipe all the.

- Hang on a minute, sir.

Isn't that one of the cyclists
that you told to get off the?

- You know what, Haskins?

Do you want to go and wait in
the car

for a couple of minutes?

- Better still, help us
find the other cyclist.

There are two bikes.

There must've been two riders.

- Or maybe the other one
got away.

Maybe, just maybe,

he battled valiantly to
escape this depraved killer.

Help us sort out this gruesome
mystery once and for all.

Make a positive ID on
Greg Lupeen.

And tell us exactly
what he became.

Help us solve this
mystery of what happened

on that horrible night.

- [Haskins] Well, sir.

He's over here.

- The sooner we wrap on
this movie, the better.

The police and the media,
they're everywhere.

- Look, this may
sound mercenary,

but have you seen the
publicity it's generating?

This film is gonna be huge.

Shame it wasn't about
werewolves instead.

God, you couldn't buy publicity
like this.

- Verity, it may have
escaped your attention,

but not only is the
power still down,

our lead actor is a frigging
werewolf and serial killer.

He's been electrocuted,
got third degree burns,

is in a guarded hospital ward,

and possibly in a
bit of a bad mood.

And if he ever does get
out of his hospital bed,

it'll probably be just
to get transferred

to a secure prison.

So we may have a bit of a wait.

- What's left to shoot?


- Just some crowd scenes,
some establishing shots,

and a piece with the heroine.

- Do we need to use Greg?

I mean, can't we complete
using that guy again

that looks like him?

- We could, and I'm
sure we could find him,

but there's a very good
chance he could be.

- Shit.

And he's not in a good way.

Says here he's got a detached
retina from the shock.

And third degree burns
to the soles of his feet

where he earthed.

- Do you think I'll
get a reward?

- A reward?

- Well, yeah.

I caught a crazed killer.

I caught a bloody werewolf.

Well, it's as plain as
the egg on your face.

If I didn't have the looks of a
film star,

you know, that Greg,

he'd still be out there
killing people.

- So you think it was your
looks that finally snared him?

- Well, in a roundabout way,

- And not by placing a
fat-filled combustible

into the heat of a 20
kilowatt studio light?

- Well.

- Or by wrapping it in tinfoil
making it

less of an incendiary device
and more of a live conductor?

- Yeah, well.

It was an awful flesh smell,
wasn't it?

- Well, I reckon 50,000
volts went through him.

- Did you see his face?


- Les.

- Hey, I know it sounds
a bit rude,

but when the buzzing
was happening

and he was starting to
smoke and stuff,

he looked like he was
having a shit.

- He probably bloody was.

- I wonder how he is?

- According to this his
teeth were still hot

when the ambulance got
him to the burns unit.

Oh, and of course they
couldn't do anything for him

till they got the power back on.

- Oh, yeah.

The entire county's down.

- Oh, Christ.

- What?

- Well, the real ale's all
pulled on draft, aren't they?

And the lager's electric.

So, does the lager still work?

- The entire county has
got no heating or electric.

Schools have been
forced to close.

And the local
hospital's struggling

because the overhead
power cables have melted.

And Lesley Jarvis is concerned
about what?

- Go on.

- I don't believe this.

- What?

Is the lager on, Bob?

[phone ringing]

- Is he as bad as the other one?

- No, I don't think so.

Look, sir.

He was wearing his helmet.

- Is he still alive?

- I think so, sir.

I think the helmet
must've saved...


[phone rings]

- Severed Arms.

Sorry, Dirty Hog.



Les Jarvis.

Yeah, I know who he is.

Yeah, well he's here, so I'll
tell him.

All right.


- Full house.

- Five kings.

- Not again.

- Apparently, producer
of the film wants to see

the man who resembles
Greg Lupeen.

- I thought me ears
were burning.

- So you really do resemble him.

- Why do they want to see me?

- Sounds like you're
in the shit.

- I wonder what for?

- Oh, I don't know, Lesley.

Maybe bringing down a
county's entire power supply.

- Causing a small fire.

- [Mike] Causing thousands
of pounds worth of damage

to film equipment.

- Being a twat.

- Yeah.

Electrocuting a film star.

- That's all.

- Oh, great.

Blame Les.

I bet they'll be blaming me
for his detached retina next.

- Well, there's a good chance,

as one, it was all
caused by you.

And two, it was all
caused by you.

- What was B again?

- You better get ready
to face the music, Les.

- Oh, no need.

Guess who's just walked in.

- Go on.

- Okay.

Look who's just walked in.

- Uh-oh.

It's the main zombie film woman.

- Makeup's not very good, is it?

- Can I have a word with you,
Mr. Jervis?

- Jarvis.

How are you, Alison?

- I don't know about you,
Mr. Jervis.

- Jarvis.

- But I don't believe in
beating about the bush.

- That's a surprise.

I've heard all about
you film lot.

- I'll come straight
to the point.

We are in the shit.

- Yep, like I said.

- All right, Les.

How can we help you?

- As you probably know, Greg
Lupeen, the star of the film,

has been incapacitated
and will be

out of action for a while.

Tomorrow we'll be announcing,

that although he's
making progress,

he will not be returning to
filming duties

on this particular production.

- Sorry to hear that.

I bet you've invested a lot
in this film.

- You wouldn't believe how much.

We have been blighted
with problems.

First, the crew getting
attacked and bitten

during the zoo shoot.

Then, the death of a cameraman,

some grizzly incident
near to our location.

And now the hospitalization
of Greg.

We have lost time, money,
and even equipment.

We could stand to lose over
three million.

Fortunately, all of Greg's
close-ups and action scenes

had already been completed.

So all we really need now are
some long shots, silhouettes,

and profiles for the remainder.

And this, Mr. Jarvis.

- Jervis.

- This is where you come in.

- I've been here ages.

Could I just have a
moment at the bar, please?

- Oh, please do.

- Well, I'm impressed, Lesley.

For once you've taken the
time to understand something

and think about it.

- I just wanted a pint.

What was she going on about,

- They need you to fill in
for Greg Lupeen, you twat.

They need you to
finish the film,

otherwise they're in the shit.

You are holding the trumps.

- Could you tell?

I did squeak one out earlier,

but I didn't think anyone
had heard it.

- I still can't believe
this werewolf thing.

Well, let's go see
our werewolf Mr. Lupeen

in hospital, shall we?

See if he's in a mood to talk.

He might want to know that
we've found his latest victims.

- Something else doesn't
add up with these cyclists.

As well as why they were
up here in the first place.

It's the time of death.

You say you saw them alive,

- Yeah.

Me and the DA did.

That was when the DA told
them to get off the path.

- Just tell her the time.

- 10 till eight.

- When we saw the cyclists.

- 8:15.

- Okay.

Okay, listen up, everyone.

I'm sure you've all
heard the stories by now

that Greg Lupeen is the
chief suspect

in a series of gruesome
murders by an alleged werewolf

that took place in the woods.

This is absolute nonsense.

And please, do not talk
to the press about it.

Greg Lupeen has been
nowhere near the woods.

He was also
hospitalized yesterday.

So just to keep you in the loop,

his condition improved
a little overnight,

but he is not out of the woods
just yet.

Not that he was in the woods.

When I say out of the woods,
I mean...

I think we owe it to Greg and
to our investors, of course,

to finish this movie.

So we will be completing on
scenes 48 and 62 this evening

using our new Greg
lookie-likie, Les Jervis.

- Jarvis.

- Whatever.

Now, there may be a police
presence during

these last few takes while an
investigation is carried out.

So please, can you all be
as cooperative as possible

and they will hopefully
be as quick as they can.

We have been assured that the
power will be back on shortly.

So let's finish this
movie for Greg.

- Woo!

- Wow.

You're a sensation, Lesley.

- I know.

I've got the sweet smell of
success ringing in me ears.

Did you hear what she said
about the police, Mike?

I reckon they might want to
question us

about that sausage
electrocuting Greg.


We've got to make sure
all our ducks

are signing on the same page,

We need to avoid talking
to the police, okay?

- Yes, Les.

- Good.

Where's Bob?

- He's over there talking
to the police.

- Shit.

- You spoke to them 8:15?

According to the ambulance crew,

they responded to the phone
call from the studio at 7:02

and took Mr. Lupeen
to the hospital

where he was admitted at 7:41.

You see, this is what doesn't
make sense.

Greg Lupeen can't be your man.

- Right.

Let's get back to the film set.

Haskins, the car.

- Volvo.

- I know what it is.

Go get it.

- Sorry, guys.

The main power's back on now.

Stand by, everyone.

Just need a
few minutes to reset.

Sorry, Bruce.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, we need to
get this scene bagged

and in the can quickly tonight,

And I do mean quickly.

I want to wrap in 20 minutes.

- Bruce, we've got a
couple of hours on this

according to the schedule.

- Yeah, not tonight, Alison.

I'm a little concerned
about the light, all right?

- It's a full moon.

- Yeah, yeah.

But it's just no good
from my point of view.

It changes too many things.

Let's just get this done before
it changes anything else.

- Don't you want to wait till
the extra lights come back on?

- There's no time.

Just do it, okay?

- There, Haskins.

See that?

- Yep.

Chip shop.

Can I put the blues and twos on,

- Go on then.

- Yes.

[siren wailing]

- Oh, fuck.

- What?

- Remember I wrapped that
sausage in silver foil

and put it in the light for Bob?

- I think we all remember that,

- Yeah, well there were two.

I put one in for you as well,

- Oh, yeah.

- Yours is in that one.

- Oh, fuck.

[oil bubbling]

[tense music]

- Clear the set!

- Bruce, I thought we were
going to shoot the second.

- Clear the set now!

- Okay, you heard Bruce.

Clear the set.

We're going for a take.

- No!



[people yelling]

[dramatic music]


[oil bubbling]

- What the fuck do we do?

- Show him your cross.

- I am fucking cross.

- He's not a fucking vampire.


[people yelling]


Fuck off!

- Why is he running?

Technically, he's already dead.


- Fuck me, that's hot.

[dramatic music]


- What the hell?

- I told you
they were like bullets.

- A silver bullet.

- Okay, listen up.

You may all be in danger.

- Uh-huh.

- We know that Greg
is not the...


[soft piano music]

Yes, well.

We worked out that it couldn't
have been Greg Lupeen.

Although, evidence did
clearly point that way.

The recovered footage shows
that he was indeed attacked

by those wild dogs
and it did appear

that he was bitten by one.

Hence our suspicion.

However, we don't always
get it right the first time.

- That's true.

Remember when we sent
that fella down

and he hadn't even done.

- All right, Haskins.

Do you want to go and tell
uniform at the hospital

that he's free to return
to the station?

And you can tell
Mr. Lupeen that he's

free to leave the hospital
as soon as he is able to.

Yes, on closer...

Yes, on closer inspection,

it appears that Bruce the
director was, in fact,

bitten by one of these dogs,

And it was Bruce that had
become infected.

Incredible as it seems.

Werewolves do exist.

Or did.

Thank god we were at hand,
that's all I can say,

to put an end to this
gruesome episode.

I think the village can
rest assured once again

that they are finally
living in safety.

[machine beeping]

They'll be no more murders
on my watch.

Oh, no.

Not on my watch.


[uptempo rock music]