The Small World of Sammy Lee (1963) - full transcript

The compère of a seedy strip club struggles to keep one step ahead of the bookies to whom he owes money.

(Dustman whistles)

Kept me awake all night. It was chronic.

Didn't get no sleep.

- Are you looking for someone, dear?
- Er, er, Mr Lee.

- Who?
- Mr Sammy Lee.

- Never one 'ere before 11, love.
- Oh.

Oh, well, thank you.
I'll come back later.

All right, ducks.



And up... 25.

(Coins clink)


- Your 25. And up 25.
- (Chuckles)

I owe the bank 47, right?

I raise you 50 quid.

That makes £150 that you owe us.

All right, all right. I know.

I'll call your 50. What have you got?

Ace-high straight, right?

Full house. Queens on nines.

- (Chuckles)
- I thought you was supposed to be lucky.

- Ted, how about some coffee?
- Blimey! Look at the time.

- One more hand, eh?
- Sorry. The game's over.

Oh, you're kidding? At least give me
a chance to get my shirt back.

- Don't push your luck, Sammy.
- Do me a favour.

Sammy, this isn't my game.
I'm just the dealer.

You know who runs this gaff.

- So now you owe Connor 150.
- Why don't you let it go at that?

(Paper seller) Get your paper!

World Broadcast! Paper!
First edition!

First edition!

- Make up your mind.
- Mr Sammy! How are you?

- Hello, Nick.
- How come you don't eat here no more?

- So, how come I don't eat no more.
- (Chuckles)

- First-edition paper!
- Hello, Lofty.

- Paper!
- What's good today?

Jacko. First race. Newmarket.

Yeah. 25-1.
You must be out of your mind.

It'll be back in the stables,
having a kip,

before the others have left
the starting gate.

- Paper!
- 'Ere. Buy yourself a pair of elevators.


Hello, Johnny.

Oh. Black coffee, please, Torn.

Aye-aye, Sammy.
You're up early, ain't ya?

- Hello.
- Hiya, man. What gives?

(Italian music plays on radio)


What do you Emmy, AW?

Jacko in the first.


- (Sniffs)
- (Alf) What time have you got?

Hm? 9:30.

A“. .. do you wanna buy a watch'?

And what makes you think
I wanna buy a watch?

Well, you asked me the time,
didn't you?

If I ask you the way
to Buckingham Palace,

it don't mean I wanna buy
the bloody place, does it?

(Jazz plays on jukebox)

Connors. Account number 5468.

Lee. Sammy Lee.

You got it?
Right, now the first race, Newmarket...

What'? I'm sorry, I can't hear you.
You what?

What do you mean, you can't accept
any more bets from me?

Certainly. I know
I'm over my credit limit, but I...

Yeah. Yeah.

Look, you're not talking to one
of your two-bob punters now, you know.

I shall have to talk
to Mr Connor about this.

He wants to talk to me?

Er, no. I can't talk to him now, dear.
I can't hear a thing here.

I say I can't hear a thing.
I'll call him back, right?

- Hello, Barney.
- Hello, Sammy boy. You all right?

Yeah. You?

- Mustn't complain.
- Yeah.

Well, see ya.

- Bye.
- Bye, darlin'.

(Kisses air) Oscar?

(Kisses air)


Kitty, kitty, kitty!

(Kisses air) Oscar?

(Kisses air)

Do you know there are people
who get up at eight o'clock,

and go to bed every night at ten?

No? There are. Thousands of 'em.

What do they do, then?

All sorts of things. Bank clerks,
bus drivers, that sort of thing.

Oh, yeah? They must be idiots.

Oh, they are, mate. Proper nits.

- Who is it?
- Are you respectable?

- Oh. Depends what you mean, don't it?
- Hmm. Pity.

I was hoping to pop in,
and find you starkers.

I should've thought
you had enough of that in your game.

But that's not the same,
is it, dar|in"?

It's like being a nurse or something.
It doesn't put you up all together, does it?

- I wouldn't know. I've never been a nurse.
- (Chuckles)

- You seen Oscar?
- Oscar? Who the hell's Oscar?

- My cat, Oscar.
- Oh, that.

It doesn't seem right
for man to have a cat.

- Oh?
- You should have a dog or something.

A cat? A bit poofy, innit?

- What do you want, anyway?
- Oh, nothing, darlin'.

So, what happened to you last night?
I never heard you come in.

Oh, a little poker game.

Oh, yeah? How much did you lose?


- Well, if you're stuck, darlin'...
- Forget it.

- Oh, don't be silly.
- I said forget it!

(Phone rings)

Aren't you gonna answer it?

(Stops ringing)

Light up your number four.

(Piano music)

Down a bit. Right, hold it there.

- How's that, guv?
- Great. Down the run-out, darlin'.

Now the waggling bit.

Order another six crates of Scotch.

Hit the spot up the top here, Fred.

So waggle it! Waggle it!

I am waggling it!

- Remind me to get rid of that slag.
- Oh, she's not too bad.

You kidding? That kid looks
like misery's mother-in-law.

(Stage manager) Stand by, Fred.

(Piano music stops)

- Wait for the light change!
- It came too late.

No, you was too early.

Look, I go "boom," then the turning bit,
then the blackout.

Look, if you drop that scarf,
all them bleedin' lights go out,

we'll all go "boom" right in the nick.

- Sort it out, Jim, will ya?
- Yeah. Right.

- And what do you want?
- I've come to see Mr Lee.

Oh, yeah? Sort this out, will ya?
What for?

Well, he said he'd find me a job.

Oh, did he? And what makes you think
he could give you a job'?

This is his club, isn't it?

There's one born every minute,
isn't there?

- How old are you?
- 18.

Do anything'?
I mean, sing or dance or...?

Well, I can't sing, but I can dance.

(Piano music)

- You sure you're 18?
- Yes, I am.

- Come in the office.
- Mr Lee said...

Now, listen, kid, Sammy Lee's
the compere of this show, right?

My name's Gerry Sullivan. If anybody
gets employed, I employ them, right?

- All right.
- Come on.

Shut the door.

- What's your name, then?
- Patsy.

Patsy. Well, come on,
let's have a look at ya.

- Well, come on.
- What do you want me to do?

- Look here, this is a strip club, right?
- (Phone rings)

For all I know, under that gear, you might
be a man. Never know these days.

Hello'? Yeah. Are you kidding?

Of course I'm gonna appeal.
A £2,000 fine? What a liberty!

Come on, kid. I haven't got all day.

Don't give me...

There was three members of parliament
and two barristers in the audience!

Yeah... I know.

Look, kid, do you want the job or
don't you? What are you talking about?

What do you mean their name?
Smith! What else?


You're not kidding.

I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow.

Yeah. Definitely. Don't you think
I know that? That's what I told him!

OK. So long.

- What's the matter? Can't you knock?
- Sorry, Gerry.


- Patsy.

Well... what are you doing here?

- Well...
- Kid's looking for a job.

Oh, yeah'? You don't wanna
work here, do you, Patsy?

- If the kid wants a job...
- You didn't waste much time, did you?

You shouldn't have made all them
big promises, should you, Sammy boy?

As far as I'm concerned,
you can start today, if you like.

20 quid a week, all right?

Only make up your mind.

What do you wanna see me about?
If it's money, forget it.

Oh, well, forget it, then.

- What do you think?

Oh, er, well, please yourself, kid.

- I mean, you're a big girl, ain't ya'?
- Well, you've changed, haven't you?

"Any time you're in London," he says,
"look me up," he says.

- Well, you chose a bad time, pet.
- I wasn't to know that, was I?

Anyway, 20 quid a week,
it's not to be sniffed at, is it?

Any idea what sort of place this is?

Well, it's not the YWCA,
I can see that.

Patsy, you don't wanna work
in a dump like this.

Why not, Sammy?
You work here, don't you?

(Sniffs) Look, baby,
I've seen it happen a million times before.

A girl gets off a train, she's got a suitcase
in one hand, she has a job in a strip club,

whoom, three months later she's doing
short times down the Bayswater Road.

I'm not that stupid.
I can look after myself.

Oh, sure. You're so very clever.
18, you know all the answers.

It was your idea, remember, Sammy.

I know, darlin', but I got enough trouble
without you dropping in out of the blue.

- I thought you'd be pleased to see me.
- Very pleased.

- You wouldn't think so.
- For crying out loud!

- If it's a job you're looking for...
- Waiting on tables?

I don't know...

200 miles to wait on tables?
I do that back home.

- Well, why don't you go back home, pet?
- I can't.

Why not, hm?

You're not, erm...
You're not in the family way, are you?

- (Chuckles)
- Oh, yes, it's very comical.

It was six months ago, Sammy.
I think you'd have noticed before now.

- Oh, yeah.
- Anyway, couldn't go home now.

I made the big exit, you know.
Told my mum and dad what to do with it.

I think if I went back now,
they'd murder me.

- Got a room?
- No, I came straight off the train.

- Blimey.
- I don't want to give you any trouble.

I'll talk to Gerry,
see if I can fix you up with something.

- Oh, thanks.
- Hm.

- You hadn't forgotten me, had you?
- Of course I hadn't.

- I've gotta get ready.
- OK.

So long.

Come on, Sammy. Don't give me all that.
What do you mean she's a nice girl'?

You've been there, haven't ya?

I was doing the summer season
at this holiday camp.

She's in the cabaret.
17, doesn't know what day it is.

- Have you told her?
- Yeah, sort of.


All right, she can help behind the bar.
Get a move on. You're on in ten minutes.

(Whistles) What's the matter, guv, eh?

- Oh, nothing.
- Oh, come on. What's worrying you?

If you owed Joe Connor £300,
you'd be worried.

How'd you come to do that, then?

Oh, a couple of poker games, a few
three-legged horses. It was easy, really.

- We need some more removal cream.
- Yeah, OK.

- Barney Thompson owed Connor money.
- Yes, Harry. I saw him this morning.

- What are you gonna do, then'?
- Probably rob a bank more than likely.

- You wanna hurry. They close at three.
- I bet you were a riot at the Empire.

- What are you gonna do?
- Wait a minute. I got a red-hot tip.

First race in Newmarket.

You're not gonna ask me to bounce
another one of your rubber cheques?

'Ere, Harry, go and see Big Alf over
the cafe. He's always good for a few quid.

When you get the money,
lay it on Jacko to win in the first, right?

- Got that? Jacko. Say it.
- (Both) Jacko.

Good lad. Hurry up.
The race'|| be on in a minute.

(Commentator) 'And it's a perfect day
for racing on this famous morning...'

Oh, well, what's two more bags
in a place like this?

Doris, well, you see what you can find.

Yes, Mr Sullivan. Come on, love.

- All right, kid?
- Yes, thank you.

(Jazz band plays)

Hey, listen,
I want to have a word with you...

- Where's my pancake? You got my it?
- Get your hands off.

- Tash, you got my pancake?
- No, I haven't got your pancake.

I look like death warmed up.
I have to get some sleep tonight.

See what happened last night?
That fella?

- Yeah, I saw him, dirty old man.
- Men, they're all the same.

Have you got my pancake?

- Rotten bastard!
- Mr Sullivan to you, dear.

- What's the matter, then?
- Got the sack. Just like that.

- Charming.
- Just cos I had a kid.

Aren't women supposed
to have kids any more?

Not in this business, darlin'.

What's wrong with that,
Mr Bloody Gerry Sullivan?

- Is this the dressing room'?
- Well, it's not the men's room, darling.

- (Tannoy) 'Two minutes, everyone.'
- Keep your hair on!

(indistinct chatter)

Welcome... to the club.

(Commentator) 'Jock Sutherfield
is bringing him round...'

- So'?
- There's one born every minute.

- Did you get the bet on?
- £10 to win.

You're a good boy.

(Commentator) 'And they're off.
With Breakaway first to break the line.

'With Billy Buster and People's Choice...'

- Where's Jacko?
- 'And last of all, Jacko.'

Last of all Jacko. Great.


(Jazz band plays)

(Jim) Right, house lights.

Thank you for that thunderous ovation!

Welcome to the Peep Show Club,
and you're welcome to it.

We've got a wonderful show here.
Forget about the wife.

Make yourselves comfortable. Not too
comfortable. We were raided last week.

Sit back, relax, enjoy yourselves.
We've got some really beautiful girls.

- (Man 2) Well, let's see 'em, then.
- All in good time.

First, there's Jackie.
She's a really lovely girl.

She started off as a fan dancer.
Saved up enough money to feather a nest.


The Peep Show Club is proud to present
for your entertainment and delight

the Peep Show Lovelies and
the hysterical, er, historical tableau

entitled "The Garden of Allah".

(Arabic music)

How's it going?

'Royal Train's still in the lead

'with Billy Buster challenging,
and Jacko now third,

'with People's Choice fourth
and Wendell close behind.

'Now here's Jacko, up on the inside.

'A furlong to go, and it's Royal Train
and Jacko neck and neck.

'1 O0 yards to go, and it's Jacko.

'Jacko pulls ahead to lead Royal Train,
which is being ridden all out.

'Billy Buster behind People's Choice.

'50 yards to go, and it's still Jacko.
Yes, Jacko's going really well.

'But here's Royal Train coming through.
He's going ahead, finishing first.

'Coming up to the post, it's Royal Train.
It's Royal Train first by half a length.

'Jacko second, Billy Buster third
and People's Choice...'

(Radio stops)

(Gerry) 'Sammy,
you're wanted on the blower.'

(Sammy sniffs)

Thank you. I don't really know.
I couldn't care less.


Oh. Hello, Mr Connor.

Oh, now there's a funny thing.
I was just about to call you.

I look in my little book,
and I see I owe you 200 quid.

300 quid. Well, I... I really ought to think
about settling it up with you, didn't I?

I mean, it's been how long?
Two months?

Six months. Well, how time flies, eh?

Well, look, Joe, er, Mr Connor, I'll...
I'll be round your office on Saturday.

I could drop the money in then. Hm?

Now? Oh, Joe, you must be kidding.

Where am I gonna get that kind
of money at this time of day?

- Well, the banks close a three.
- Will you be long, Sammy?

Leave off a minute, will ya?
Oh, no, Joe, don't be like that...

Where do you think I got 300 quid
stuck away? In my body belt?

Shouting? Who's shouting?

Yeah, I know all about Barney Thompson.
Yeah, he's got 24 stitches in his head.

And he only owed you 200 quid.

- Certainly, I can multiply.
- Sammy...

Joe... Mr Connor? Look, I got a job to do
here. I can't leave the theatre, you know.

You'll send somebody round
to collect it, will ya? Oh, great.

Listen, Joe, give me a break. I'll get it
for you. Give me a couple of days.

A day. I'll have it for you tomorrow,
I swear.

Right, 300 quid, on the nose,
ten o'clock in your office.

Joe'? Joe, listen, |-|'|| get it for you. It's
just I'm in a bit of schtuck at the moment.

Joe? Joe, hello, Joe.
Mr Connor? Hello...

Look, Sammy, I know it's a lousy show,
but it's gotta go on.

- Yeah, yeah.
- (Jim) Watch it!

(Slow handclapping)

Ah, sorry about that, gentlemen.
A little hold-up backstage.

How about that, then, eh?
"The Garden of Allah".

Wouldn't mind doing
a bit of planting myself.

That was Sara doing the bit there.
Lovely girl.

Very respectable.
No, really, very respectable girl.

If she's not in bed by 11 o'clock,
she goes home.

- (Audience laughs)
- You have a dirty mind, if I may so, sir.

And now for those of you who think
we don't have a clean show, it's bath time.

In our next item, I'd like you to meet
a very charming French artist

from the Moulin Rouge in Paris.

Ugh! I'm not getting in that.

- Now, what's your problem, then'?
- It's freezing bloody cold! Every night...

Look, belt up and get in.
You can use a bath anyway.

Ooh, I've had enough of your cheek.
I'll speak to Mr Sullivan.

- Take it away!
- Ah, you dirty bastard!

And here she is, delightful Yvette.

(Jazz band plays)

- Oh,

Hey! You look marvellous.
Everything OK?

- Sammy, is anything wrong?
- What should be wrong?

- That just now on the phone.
- It was just my income tax man.

- We argue like that all the time.
- I'm not...

Not now, all right, baby?

Yeah. Yes, Mr Connor.

Yes, sir. Yeah, I've got that.

The Peep Show Club.

Yes, sir.

Oh, yes, I understand. Right.

What do you wanna call him "sir" for?

- You're new with us, ain't you?
- That's right.

- What's your name, son?
- Johnny.


Yeah, well, Johnny, er,
you just drive the car,

and mind your own business, right?

(Johnny sighs)

Yeah, I suppose to look at you,
no one would think you was a...

a bank clerk,
or nothing like that, would they?

There's nothing like advertising,
is there?

In my day,
all the villains had black hats.

Used to wear them on one side
of the head. Very smart, they was.

Snap brim, an' all.

So you could always tell a villain
cos he had a black hat.

When was that, then?
Before the Boer War?


Oh, I can see you and roe's
gonna get on like a house on fire.

What's this for?
It's not gonna take all day, is it?

(Jazz band plays)

(Knock at door)

Come in.

- Mr Lee?
- Yeah?

We're from Mr Connor's office.

Well, I didn't think you were
from the Salvation Army.

- Do you have the money, Mr Lee?
- No.

- Are you sure'?
- 300 quid. I think I'd know, wouldn't I?

Your mate's been watching
too many TV films.

- There's nothing personal in this, mister.
- Oh, no, no. Course not.

We've got to make a living
the same as you.

Oh, sure, I mean, I often go out and
punch up a couple of old ladies meself,

just for a bit of pin money, you know.

- Well, let's get on with it, then.
- 'Ere, do you know what?

Do you know, Connor only phoned me
about 15 minutes ago about this?

There's nothing like giving a fella
plenty of time.

Mr Connor tells me
you've had six months.

Oh, he's right. No, he's right there.

It's just that... I need...
I've got to find £300 in 15 minutes.

What does he think I do'?
Print the stuff on the premises?

Look, fellas, all I need is a bit of time.

I'll find it. I mean, I'll get it.
My life. Honest, but I need time.

- The guy's a professional spieler.
- How much time do you need?

Seven o'clock. Give me up until seven.
I'll find it for you, I swear.

The whole 300 quid.

That's a lot of money to raise
in five hours, Mr Lee.

I know it is, but let me try, hm?
Just give me a break.

Look, who the hell's going anywhere,
fellas? I mean, I shall be here.

It's not as though you don't know where
I am. I'm not running away or anything.

You believe that,
and you'll believe anything.

You don't speak
till your spoken to! Got it?

All right. We'll come back at seven.
But you better have that money, mister.

Cos if you are only ten bob short,
I've gotta put the boot in.

- You're joking. Of course I'll get it.
- I don't make jokes, mister.

No, I bet you don't.

Have you gone mad or something?

If Connor hears about this,
it'll do his nut, you know.

You don't think he'll be there
when you get back?

Why don't we do him now?

What's your problem, son?

You can't wait, can you?
You just can't wait!

- What was all that about, guv?
- Eh? Oh, nothing.

I just gotta find 300 quid
in five hours, that's all.

I Unforgettable in every way

I And forever more

I That's how you'll stay

I That's why, darling, it's incredible

I That someone so unforgettable

I Thinks that I am unforgettable too... J

How about that,
ladies and gentlemen? Lovely, girls.

That's the end of our show.
We hope you enjoyed it.

If you did, tell your friends,
but don't tell the wife.

The next show is in an hour's time.
In the meantime, the bar is open.

Hope to see you again.
May I leave you with this thought?

Never sleep on an empty stomach.

Always make sure she has
a square meal first. Thank you.

(Man 3) All fresh, they are!

Five for a pound, bananas!

Two, four, six, eight, ten...

Write down ten tins of frankfurter
without sauerkraut.

- We got any more in the back?
- There's about two boxes, Mr Leeman.

What do you mean "about"?

We're stock-taking,
not playing guessing games. Find out!

I'll be with you in a minute.

And, er, write down another dozen tins
of pickled cucumber.

Now, what can I get you?

Sammy! Ha-ha!

Ah, it's good to see you!

Nice to see you, Lou.

Hey, such a stranger you've become.

- I know.
- 'Ere, Sidney. Sidney, look who's here.

- It's my brother Sammy.
- Hello.

Well, let me look at you.
'Ere, you don't look well.

- No?
- You look ill. Not eating enough.

Ah, it's that rotten life you're leading.

Working half the night.
It's no good to you.

A man should get up in the morning,
and do a day's work.

- Like Dad always said.
- Like Dad always said.

(Both chuckle)

Right, so... so apart from the fact
that you look terrible, how are you?

- As always...
- Sidney? Sidney, what are you doing?

Get on with the stock-taking.
Really... You're driving me mad.

So, you've been here five minutes,
and you don't ask me how's business?

- So how's business?
- Don't ask! It's terrible!

All of a sudden, everybody's on a diet.

- How's Milly?
- Fine. She'd be so pleased to see you.

Listen, you're stopping for dinner.

I'm sorry, Lou. As a matter of fact,
I'm in a bit of a hurry.

- Hurry?

- You're always in a hurry.
- Sorry, Lou, you know...

So... so what do we owe the honour?


- I'm in a little spot of bother.
- What do you want, Sammy?

Believe me,
you know I hate asking you...

How much?

- 300.
- 300?

- I'm in terrible trouble, honest, Lou.
- I should hope so for £300!

- I've got to have it by seven tonight.
- £300? By seven o'clock.

Uh! Uh!

£300 by seven...

Here. Take... What do you want?
300, 400, take a grand!

Are you gonna take it with you,
or shall I send it?

I've got a lunatic for a brother!
Don't stand there. Get on with your work.

My dear brother,
look at all the business I'm not doing.

The customers fighting to get in the door!
I can't take their money fast enough. £300!

- Look, you don't understand...
- I understand! You're a meshugganah.

Would I come to you
if I wasn't in dead schtuck'? Would I?

Keep schtum. Afternoon, Mrs Harris.
What can I get you?

Is the brisket fresh, Mr Leeman?

You always ask me, is the brisket fresh?
Would I tell you if it wasn't?

- Sorry. How much do you want?
- A quarter will do, thank you.

- Shall I slice it?
- Thin, please.


Dad was right.
He said you'd grow up a bad boy.

- All right, Lou, no sermons, eh'?
- You are mixing with the wrong crowd.

Lou, will you listen to me?
These fellas are right bandits.

If I don't have this money by tonight,
they're gonna cut me up.

That's three shillings, please, dear.
Anything else, Mrs Harris?

- No, thank you.
- Good day, dear.

Oh... £300!

How come you owe
such a sum of money?

What difference how I owe it? I owe it.


Lou, I won't ask for another penny
as long as I live.


Lou, these boys don't mess about.

I'm scared stiff of razors. I come out
in a sweat when I go to the barber's.


If you won't do it for me,
then do it for Mum, God rest her soul.


Lou, this is your brother, Sammy.
Your own flesh and blood.


Lou, remember when we were kids?

Who was it who took the blame when
you heaved a rock at that copper, eh?

Who sorted out Maxie Abrahams
when he was gonna bash your head in?

Then do me a favour, eh, Lou? Eh?

(Lou sighs)

- Sidney...
- Yes, Mr Leeman?

Keep an eye on things will you?

- Good afternoon, Mrs Leeman.
- Milly. Milly, darling, look who's here.

- It's Sammy.
- So I see.

I've just gotta slip out
for a while, darling.

You never seem to have
any decent biscuits in this shop.

I'm sorry.

Your own wife has to go
to Braumann's to buy biscuits.

I was gonna get some in.
The ones you like.

- Coming back for lunch, Lou?
- Er, no.

I must get to the bank before they close.

- You're not going to the bank, Lou.
- What?

Is this what you've worked for?

Building up this business single-handed,
so this layabout could ponce off of you?

- Milly...
- Thanks, Milly.

You've got nothing to thank me for.

I wouldn't help you
if you was lying bleeding in the gutter.

Milly, please. Sammy is in trouble.

- I can't remember a day when he wasn't.
- (Lou sighs)

Ever since we've been married,
he's been sponging off of you.

I haven't been round for months.

We never see you
unless you're in trouble.

(Lou) Look, we've got customers.
(Milly) Where'?

Why are you taking it so personally?
He's my brother. It's his money.

- Yeah, and I'm his wife.
— Oh, yeah, sure.

- And just what does that mean?
- Nothing.


- Anyway, thanks all the same, Lou.
- No, no, wait a minute, Sammy.

- Sidney, please, go to lunch, will you?
- Yes.

Don't bother about your coat.
Just go. Go.

Look, please.
What is it with you two?

Ever since we got married, you haven't
had a civil word to say to each other.

We just don't get on, that's all.

- I don't like to see him take advantage.
- But Milly...

You're a mug, that's what you are.

As far as Sammy Leeman's concerned,
the world's full of mugs.

Milly, he's my brother.

- And what about me'?
- Well, what about you?

"What about her?" she says!
Milly, will you please do me a favour?

She puts so many dresses
in the bedroom, it's like a dress shop!

Oh, please, not again.

Shoes. You've never seen a woman
with more shoes.

You've only got one pair of feet!

You married me, Lou,
because I was smart and attractive.

I'm just trying to stay that way.

Perhaps it'll do Sammy good to get
out of trouble without coming to you.

Well, are you coming?

(Sighs) I'll be along in a minute.

I'll put the lunch on, then.

What did you marry her for, Lou?

You know what she was like,
don't you?

I don't know, Sammy.

You know, you think maybe
you're gonna change people.

- Yeah, but you're not winning, are you?
- No.

Then why do you stand it?

I love her, Sammy, that's all.

I just love her.

So long, Lou.

- Sammy, wait.
- (Cash register bell pings)

There's 25 quid here.
That's all I've got. Go on, take it.

Forget it, Lou.
Thanks all the same.

HAPPY New Year!

Hello. Er, can I speak
to Mr Anderson, please? Thank you.

Mr Anderson?
It's your old friend Sammy.

Sammy Lee.

My life... Sammy Lee,
the Peep Show Club.

Right. Fine, fine. You?

Good. Business? Wonderful.

Er, Mr Anderson, I've got the very
merchandise you've been looking for.

Genuine gold-plated,
15 jewels, Swiss movement,

shock-proof, waterproof,

What are they?

What are they'?
They're watches, Mr Anderson.

Yes. I've got a dozen of 'em.
You can have the whole lot for 50 quid.

You got watches?
2,000 of 'em. Can't shift 'em.

So you don't want watches. What do you
want, Mr Anderson? Chair. What chair?

(Oscar meows)

Eh? When?

Oh, yes, I remember. You came up here
for a drink on Derby Day. I remember.

You and that blonde lady.
What was her name? Sylvia, that's right.

Where have you been,
you randy old bastard?

Yeah, what a time we had, eh?

(Chuckles) Yeah.

Whatever became of that old slag?

You did? Oh, congratulations.

Do give her my regards.

Look, er, Mr Anderson... the chair?

Oh, that chair.

Yes, it's a beautiful chair, all right.

It's 18th century. Mm.
They don't make 'em like that any more.

Er, Mr Anderson,
you've got a big wholesale business.

There must be something I can...
Hm? Chair?

What about the chair?

On... No, I'm sorry, Mr Anderson,
that chair isn't for sale.

You're telling me it's worth a lot of money.
It's worth more than money to me.

Well, you see, my mother died
in that chair. Yeah, God rest her soul.

Five years she sat in it.
Day in, day out. Never got out of it.

Arthritis. Mm.

Died sitting right there. It's the only real
possession I've got in the world, really.

I wouldn't part with it
if you was to offer me 50 quid... 60 quid.

No, I'm sorry, Mr Anderson.
No, not that chair.

- Not my mother's chair, no.
- Busy'?

I tell you what,
I could get you one just like it.

I know it wouldn't be exactly the same,
but it would be... Oh. Oh, I see.

I'll be honest with you.
I'm in a little spot of bother.

Any little bit of business you can put
my way, I'll be very grateful. Whisky?

American whisky'?
What do you mean, the real thing?

It's a bit dodgy.

Er, Mr Anderson,
what are you prepared to pay?

25 bob a bottle'?
You're joking, of course.

W-w-well, I mean, 35 bob, or it isn't worth
my while, if you know what I mean.

What do you want?

Hm? Er, 30 shillings, Mr Anderson.

All right, all right.
How many do you want?

Three dozen. Hold on.
Three dozen. Fine.

Mr Anderson, you realise, of course, this
will have to be a strictly cash transaction.

What with the merchandise being a little
on the warm side, as you might say.

Quite. No cheques,
or anything like that. Mm, fine.

Right, I'll call you back.
I'm very obliged to you. Bye.

Whisky, whisky, whisky...

- That was quick.
- What about you, then?

Hm? What about me, then?

- It's all over the manor.
- What is'?

That Connor's got the needle to you.

- Oh, really?
- (Oscar meows)

What's your problem?

You stay out for three nights, and when
you come in, all you wanna do is eat.

Come here. Have all of that.

- Why didn't you tell me?
- Tell me what?

- Oh, do me a favour, Sammy...
- Look, Joanie.

You've got your problems,
I've got mine, right, love'?

How much do you need?

A bloody sight more
than you've got in that bag, I tell you.

Look, Sammy, I'm not some
short-time brass, you know.

- How much do you want?
- What do you think I am'? A ponce?

(Door slams)

- (Phone rings)
- Hello?

Er, guv, are you all right?

- We should've gone up five minutes ago!
- They've gone barmy here.

All right, all right,
I'm coming right over.

You'd think it was something
out of the bloody Palladium.


(Arabic music)


What's the matter?

Two double whiskies, please.

- What did he say?
- Nothing. Really.

You're gonna have to get used
to that sort of thing here.

You don't say?

Sorry, Gerry, boy.
Sid, American whisky, can you get any?

- Maybe.
- Bourbon, all that gear.

- How much?
- 22/6 a bottle.

- You mean 32/6 a bottle.
- 25 bob or forget it.

So, forget it.

- 26 bob. I haven't got time to mess about.
- 30 bob.

- 27/6
- How many?

- Three dozen, right'? Three twelves?
- 36.

36. That's... Down the four.
I make that £49.

- And ten shillings.
- Clever boy.

- Cash.
- Eh?

Good morning.

Sid, who does business in cash
these days?

I tell you what I'll do. 25 quid in cash
and a cheque for the balance.

Good boy. Have it sent round here, Sid.

- Don't you work here any more?
- I got a bit involved.

I don't know what trouble you're in,
and I don't care,

but I don't want any bother here
least of all with Connor's mob.

Now, suppose we scrub down
the whole thing, eh?

- What do you mean?
- Well, you can work the week out.

- That's what's in your contract.
- You mean I'm fired?

No hard feelings, eh, son?

No, thanks. Great.

- Marvellous.
- Liquor's on the way, Sammy.

25 quid cash, OK?

All right. Good boy, Sid. Ta.

Well, that's show business.

- Where have you been?
- Sorry, Jimmy.

- You missed the opening.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

- Guv, Gerry's looking for you.
- Yeah, he just found me.

Harry, do you know
Da|t0n's Garage on Brewer Street?

No, but I can find it.

- Nip round there, ask for Larry.
- Larry.

Tell him you want a car, van,
anything like that.

- I'll settle up with him later.
- What's the idea?

- I've got errands for you.
- I was supposed to...

Don't worry, Harry. There's a tenner
in it for you. Off you go. Quick.

Hello. Er, is Lou there?

It's his brother Sammy.

Hello, Lou. Yeah.

Lou, about that 25 quid, Lou.

(Tribal music)


How about that, then? That was
Brenda going down the chute there.

Lovely girl, Brenda. Now in her
third month at the Peep Show Club.

14 marked down from 24.

Anyway, the bar is now open.

We look forward to seeing you in about
ten minutes' time. Thank you very much.

First early edition!

First two winners. Paper!

Early edition.

You got it. Great. I want you to see Sid.
He's got two crates of whisky.

But he won't part with them
unless he gets 25 quid.

The money's on its way in a cab.
When it gets here, give Sid the 25.

- Are you getting all this?
- Some of it.

Then I want you to take the whisky
over to Andersons in the Euston Road.

Let me give you a bit of paper.

I want you to give the stuff
to Mr Anderson personally.

215, Euston Road. There.
I want you to...

Hang on. Three dozen at 30 bob.

What's...? That's 54 quid.
54 quid cash. Don't forget, cash.

Don't let him fob you off with no kite.
Then get on the blower to me here.

- Now, have you got all that?
- Oh, yeah.

- All right, what did I tell ya?
- Oh, er, I'm to, erm...

Go and see Sid.
Wait for the money to...

Yeah, all right. You got it, Harry.
Now, listen, phone me, right'?


(Lofty) Paper! Paper!


What, 200? This is an order?

For 200, I wouldn't even waste
fourpence phoning the factory.

Now, if you should give me an order,
say, 2,000...


What do you want, Sammy?
I'm a busy man.

- Now, then...
- Morrie, I can hear the dialling tone.

- Er, it must've got cut off.
- Yeah.

What do you want?
Don't tell me, cos I don't wanna know.

- We've been friends a long time.
- Maybe.

When I can do somebody a favour,
who do I think of?

- Yourself.
- That isn't true.

All right, so do me this big favour.

I know a geezer what's got 2,000
genuine, guaranteed Swiss watches.

Wholesale, 600 quid a gross,
but for you...

- Cos I'm a friend...
- Cos you're a friend, 450 a gross.

- I don't want it.
- All right, 425. It's Christmas.

Christmas? You changed your religion?

- So?
- No.

Morrie, listen. 420, |—I—I'm in a hurry.

Watches. Who needs watches?


Watches, eh?



I can't sell watches.
And the geezer that sold them to me...

He can sell watches.
Listen, Morrie, I need the cash. 400.

Cash, you need,
Watches, I don't need. So, goodbye.

These are genuine Swiss watches.

I don't care if they're genuine Swiss
cuckoo clocks. I don't want 'em.

(Music barrel chimes)

I'm surprised at you
passing up a snip like this.

- 395.
- No!

I always thought you had
a marvellous business brain. 390.

What do you want me to do?
Give 'em to ya?

- OK, OK. As a favour to you.
- That's my old friend, Morrie.

- I'll take a dozen.
- A dozen? What kind of an order is that?

Then forget it.
Leave me alone. I'm a busy man.

Four dozen, or it isn't worth my while.

Oh, you're making an old man
out of me.

That's a good boy. That's four dozen
at 390 a gross. How much is that?

And I must be out of my mind.

Bless you. You've been very good to me.
I'll have 'em here in half an hour.

Oh, and Morrie, strictly cash, eh?
So long.


(Raucous chatter)

- Salt beef sandwich with a cup of tea.
- Coming up, sir.

- (Woman) Hello, Sammy.
- Hello, darling.

(Spanish music in background)

Got any more winners, Alfie?

Jacko in the first.

Still running!

Hello, Mr Anderson. Sammy Lee.

That stuff arrived yet? Good.

Mr Anderson, you mentioned something
to me about watches. No, watches.

2,000 you said you had,
and you couldn't shift 'em.

I may be able to take
some of 'em off your hands, hm?

Well, only four dozen, but it's better
than a punch up the hooter, isn't it?

£1 O0 for the lot.

120 as a personal favour.

125, that's definitely my last offer.

Right, thank you. That'|| be 125,
less the 54 you owe me for the whisky.

That's £71. Fine. Lovely.

I'll pop a cheque in the post first thing.

Cash'? Well, how can I pay you cash,
Mr Anderson?

I mean, I'm here, and you're there,
so to speak. Hm. Oh dear, oh dear.

You better put my man on,
and I'll tell him not to unload that whisky.

All right. Fine. That's very business-like
of you. Thank you very much.

As I say, I'll pop a cheque... Hm?


I'm sorry, Mr Anderson. As I told you
before, that chair's not for sale.

75 quid?

No, I'm sorry, Mr Anderson.
Not that chair.

Would you put Harry on, please?
Thank you.

Harry, this idiot is gonna give you
four dozen watches. Count 'em.

Take 'em to Morrie Bellman in Berwick
Street. Over the Chinese food store.

Mm-hm. No, no, past there.
That's it.

And collect from him 130 quid, all right?

Good lad. Then get back to the club.

You didn't know there was gonna be this
running about'? You're getting paid for it!

(Spanish music stops)

All right, all right!

- Come on now.
- Why don't you drop dead?

Oh, charming.

Sammy, you're on.

Well, well, well, here we are again.

A very funny thing happened to me
on my way here.

Yes, a very funny thing.

There were these two sailors,
and this one said to the other...

- I thought we was havin' potted palms.
- Potted palms'?

- Six dozen rolls, guv.
- In the kitchen.

- What's wrong with potted palms'?
- It's a bit Rudolph Valentino, isn't it?

Potted palms...
Haven't you done that yet?

- I'm doing my best, guv'nor.
- Sammy, what's on your tiny mind?

- I popped in to wish you luck.
- Mind how you handle them glasses!

I don't know, surrounded by idiots.
Have a drink?

No, thanks, Dave. I'm working.
Very nice.

- You got class, eh?
- Yeah, lovely.

- Bill, them cigarettes turned up yet?
- Not yet, Mr Dave, no.

You wouldn't think
we was opening tomorrow night!

Do you want cigarettes, Dave?
How many?

I got a friend.

You surprise me.


- I'm sorry, guv. I'll fix it...
- I'm surrounded by idiots!

- Where do you want this, guv?
- Hey, Rembrandt!

Want anything else, Dave?
Give away book matches...

- This club, we ain't giving nothing away.
- She's not coming here.

- Put her over in the corner.
- You'll have this place like a brothel!

Listen, Van Gogh, it's either her or you,
so please yourself.

- What shall I do with her, then?
- Oh, don't ask me.

I wouldn't know what to do with her.

How are you for cutlery, Dave?
Linen, stuff like that?

- Packs of cards? Must go through millions.
- Sammy, there's nothing I need.

Plastic flowers'?
They're coming back. Very popular.

- Champagne buckets? Chairs'? Tables?
- Look, Sammy...


(Music over speech)

(Tyres screech)

Great shot, Eddie. Great.

You look healthy enough.

- Never felt better.
- Yeah?

- Not the way I heard it.
- Oh?


The way I heard it,
you should be in hospital by now.

Hospital? Well, it just goes to show you
can't believe everything you hear, don't it?

(Eddie) Don't it?

I should sink the pink, Eddie.

How much you in for?

- 300.
- (Exhales)

What are you hanging about here, then?
You should be halfway to Liverpool.

- Why Liverpool?
- Liverpool, Manchester.

- Connor's not got friends there?
- Anywhere.

You can't run out on a thing like this.
You know that.


- I said you can't run out on...
- Can't you?

So what do you want with me?

I'm knocking myself out
trying to make 300 quid in five hours.

- Oh!
- It's ridiculous, innit?

- I've never worked so hard in my life.
- 300'?

I'm not asking for money, believe me,
my life. It's just ideas, right?

- Ideas?
- I'm desperate, Eddie.

- Your shot, Eddie.
- All right. I'm with you.

I'd dig up my own grandmother,
for a few quid.

I'll tell you what, you get hold
of some gear, I'll stake you.

- Gear? What? Reefers?
- What else?

- You're joking.
— Quickest way to make a handful.

Yeah, a handful of what?
Drugs? That's all I need!

- You can get a couple of years for that.
- It was just an idea.

- You're not doing me no favours.
- All right.

Eddie, Eddie, I'll do it, right?

This isn't my line, Eddie, believe me.

- I'm not just giving you that money.
- I'll get it, I'll get it.

- And Sammy...

None of your horse manure, eh?
The real gear, mind.

Oh, sure, sure.

Man, you wanna know somethin'?
You make me real curious.

I've known you, like..., years.

You never put us coloured fellas down.
That's not your scene.

Yet when someone says, like,
"Who's got all the pot?"

Well, Sammy comes running
to the spades.

Oh, sure.
They got all the gear, man.

Cos all they do is sit around all day
smokin' themselves outta their tiny minds.

They don't have to work, see.

They just got five, maybe six chicks
out hust|in' for them.

- You know I don't think that way, Buddy.
- I don't know nothin', man.

Except you come running to me
asking me for pot,

and I don't have no weed, man.

Like, I don't even smoke cigarettes,
you know.

And, man... (Slams piano)

...pardon me if I resent it.

All right, Buddy, all right.
So I made a mistake.

You don't have to go out of your mind.

- If you're really hooked on the stuff...
- Hooked? Who's hooked?

- I never use the stuff.
- Sure, Dad, sure.

- You know Frank's Club?
- Yeah.

The guy's name is Gregory.

- Gregory?
- That's the guy.

Gregory. How will I know him?

Oh, Dad, you'll have no trouble
picking out this cat.

He's as white as the driven snow.

Oh. Thanks, Buddy.

(Jazz plays in the club)

Come on, girls, we're on!

- Make it short, Sammy.
- Yeah, all right.

- Look here, guv. What do you think I am?
- Hang on, hang on.

Hello, General Kitchenware Company?
Can I speak to Mr...? Hold on.

Mr Price. Thank you very much.
What's the matter'?

I've been all round London, tearing round
like a lunatic. I'm a nervous bleedin' wreck.

Look. I've had enough.

That's what I call friendship.
Real friendship, Harry.

I'm paying you a tenner. That's very
good money for an afternoon's work.

Do you know how much a bus driver gets
for driving with all those passengers, eh?

£10.18 shillings a week.
And he's got a wife and four kids.

Have you got a wife and four kids?
You haven't. So you're quids in. Belt up.

Hello. Mr Price?
Er, this is Mr Lee here.

I dropped by just now, and placed
that order for that kitchen equipment.

Mr Price, er, we're having a small sort
of soiree here at the club this evening.

We're rather short of glasses. Mm.

I wondered if I sent our van round now
whether we could pick up those glasses?

That's quite right.
Six gross, Mr Price. Mm.

I'll pick up the other stuff tomorrow.
Thank you so... Hm'?

Oh, my van driver has got the time

to come all the way back here to pick up
a cheque for a mere 86 quid... pounds.

Can you put it on our account?
Thank you so much. Bye-bye.

It's lovely watching you, guv.
Really it is. Like a sort of ballet dancer.

- Come on, Sammy!
- Are you listening?

The General Kitchenware Company
is on the corner of Dean Street.

Pick up six gross of glasses.
Whip 'em round to the Lucky Seven Club.

See Dave, give him the glasses
and get 90 quid in cash. No cheques.

- You should've got Carter Paterson.
- Very funny.

Then I want you to go down
to the Billiard Hall, see Big Eddie.

- Bung him this, right?
- What's this'?

Never mind.
Get on the blower to me afterwards.

I may want you to do something else.

While you're going out,
get us a packet of fags, will ya?

- Do you mind'?
- Right, house lights.

(Meagre applause)

Thank you for that thunderous applause.
Good afternoon.

Welcome to the Peep Show Club.
You're welcome to it.

Sit back, and make yourselves
comfortable. First, there's Jackie...

Come on, ducks.
First time's always the worst.

Yes, the Peep Show Club
is proud to present

for your delight and entertainment,

the Peep Show Lovelies
and the hysterical... historical drama

entitled "The Garden of Allah".

(Arabic music)

On you go, love.

Give us a light, please.

- Whose brilliant idea was that, then?
- Not mine, mate.

- I suppose this was your clever idea?
- She wanted to do it.

- Oh, sure. You talked her into it.
- Oh, grow up, for God's sake!

You're acting like she's a 12-year-old
schoolgirl or something.

They're all dirt to you. All dirt.

Look, son, any girl who takes
her clothes off for a living is a whore.

I don't care whether
she's your girlfriend.

If that's what she does,
she's a blasted whore!

Please, look. Please, , please, look.
What, are you nuts, or something?

- There's a show going on.
- All right. Enough. Go on.

(Jim) Lights out.

- (Patsy sobs)
- Why let him talk you into doing this for?

- Well, go on. Tell him.
- Nobody told me to do it.

She did it for you, son.

I knew you were in trouble, Sammy.
I did it so you wouldn't get fired.

So now you've got your job back,
for what that's worth.

You silly fool. Did you think by saving
my job you're gonna help me?

Do you know how much this bastard
pays me a week? 15 quid a week, Patsy.

- Look, Sammy, there's a show going on.
- Stuff the show!

He's just made a fool
out of you, Patsy, that's all.

- How do you feel about it, Gerry?
- You've got your job back. Get on with it.

I-I was only trying to help you,

Yes, yes, I know.

But you didn't know what
was really going on, did you?

Why don't you go and get changed?
Go across to my flat.

It's on the first floor. Number 17, right?
And wait for me there.

You all right now?

I love you, Sammy.

Yeah, all right. Go on. Go.


(Footsteps approaching)

(Oscar meows)

Come on. Come on.

- Sammy.
- Hello.

I'm sorry. I was so tired.

That's all right. You stay there.

- Sammy?

- Remember...?
- Mm-hm.

It was so wonderful.

- Well, for me, anyway.
- I didn't mean...

I expect you sleep
with a different girl every night.

Well, working in that club.

Those slags? You're joking.

- Sammy?

There's never been anyone but you.

Oh, Sammy.

(Phone rings)

- Hello?
- Guv? Harry.

Well, I done your glasses,
and I gave that stuff to Eddie.

Harry, how much you got on you now?
How much you got on you now?

Well, there was,
there was 9O for the glasses,

and, er, 130 from Meme.

Er, that makes it...
I don't know exactly.

All right, Harry. All right.
A rough guess.

All right. That's...

Er... |—I'd say about, er... 250.

200... You must be joking. Have you
been in the boozer or something?

So you're making a couple of quid
on the side. You should live so long.

Forget it, forget it.

All right, all right. 50, yeah.

Drink. For the glasses.
For the watches.

You still need another 50 quid,

What's the matter?
You think I can't count, or something?

- It's quarter-past six.
- What are you, a talking clock?

Harry, where are you now?

Hang on there.
I'll call you right back, right?

All right, let's start again, shall we?

Right, now where am I?

- Acton, Acme, Amalgamated...
- Sammy?

Yeah, hang on.
Baker, Bermondsey, Bertmann...

Sammy, what are you trying to do?

Look, not now, baby, right?

I'm sorry, kid. There's some whisky there.
Be a darling, pour me...

Hello? Is that Dalton's Garage?
Can I speak to Mr Bertmann, please?

He's what'? He's gone home?

Forget it. Great way to do business.
Look at the time he's gone home.

Put it down there. There's a good girl.

D, D, D... Right, Drury Lane...


Look, don't stand there. Pour me a drink,
will ya? Standing there like an idiot.

Hello, Jack, is the guv'nor there?

He's what'? You any idea
when he'll be back?

Hm? No, no. Forget it.

(Drums banging upstairs)

Oh, great. That's all I needed.

Right, where are we?


Frankie, Frankie,
I wonder what she's doing?

Yeah, probably.
All right, G, G, G...

(Sammy mutters)

Harry, Harry... No. Harry...

Francis. Harris... Harris, Abbey.


Hello. Can I speak to Mr Harris, please?

Sammy Lee. Er, Lee.


I chose the name
cos I thought it was easy. Lee!

No, L-E-E. You've gotta be joking.

Lee. L-E-E. No, E.

He's a meshugganah.
Lee. That's it. Marvellous.

What do I want'?
Can I talk to Mr Harris? Please.

He's where? In Switzerland?

No, no, no. Forget it.

Thank you.

50 quid.

A lousy 50 quid.

I better Connor spends that
on cigars every month.

(Drums continue)

Shut up, will ya? Shut up!

(Drums stop)

(Sammy sobs)



Sammy, why?

What are you trying to do to yourself?

It's like one of them little white mice
in one of them wheels.

The faster you run,
the faster you don't get anywhere.

Why don't you get out of it?

You don't understand, Patsy.

About Connor, you mean?
Harry told me.


I think you enjoy
feeling sorry for yourself.

Don't start, Patsy, please.

You won't let anyone help you.

So you can say, "Look, I'm all on my jack,
and nobody cares."

Some of us care, Sammy.

I care.

You're a funny person, Sammy.

In some ways, you're more of a man
than anyone I've ever met.

But in other ways...
you're just a child.

Hello, Mr Anderson? Sammy Lee.

How much did you say
you'd give me for that chair?

(Police siren rings)


What time is it? Oh, five to seven.

- I must go, baby.
- Sammy...

Yeah, I know, baby. I know.

I really must go.

What are we gonna do about you, eh?

Don't you think you better go
back home, Patsy? Hm?

This is no good to you, is it?
All this?

Is that all you have to say to me,
Sammy? Go home?

Well, you know, it just wouldn't work,
you and me, would it, Patsy?

No. I suppose it wouldn't.

Hello, enquiries? Er, what's the time
of the next train to Bradford?

One o'clock in the morning?
Oh, great.

There is'? Whereabouts?

Fine. Thank you very much.

There's a coach,
leaves Victoria at eight.

Yeah, you'll...
you'll need some cash, won't you?


Don't clear anything up.
Leave it as it is.

(Door closes)

(Raucous street banter)

(Jazz plays in the club)

No! What do you think I am?
A tart or something?

- Hiya.
- Hello, Harry.

- We made it, guv.
- Oh, yeah?

I've just been working it out. I reckon
we've got about, er, 325 quid between us.

- Hey?
- Well, I had to bung a few quid, didn't I?

- Larry wouldn't let me have the van...
- All right. Where is it'?

I've got it here.

There's 90 there. That's for the glasses.
There's 130 from Morrie.

75 for the chair. I didn't half have a job
getting that chair down them stairs.

- Harry, what's this?
- What'?

- Well, that's 130 from Morrie.
- It's a cheque, isn't it'?

Morrie said he couldn't give me the cash
because the banks was closed, see.

- He said if you call back in the morning...
- Harry, it's a cheque, isn't it, right'?

- Call back in...
- Look!


Oh, guv.

Oh, guv.

Oh, you idiot.
You silly bleedin' old idiot.

If Connor would've accepted a cheque,

don't you think I could have
written him one?

All the time I've been saying to you,
"Cash, cash, cash," right'?

What's the matter with you, eh?
Are you deaf?

Oh, I'm sorry, guv.
I just didn't think. I...

You've got a couple of hundred.
Maybe they'll settle for that.

Do you really think they will, Harry?
Do you really think they will?

Oh, guv...

Oh, guv, I'm sorry. I-I didn't...

- I don't know what to say.
- (Jim) Sammy, you're on.

What are you going to do, then?


- What's that?
- That's your tenner.

- No, guv...
- Nothing's for nothing in this world.

Welcome, gentlemen,
to the Peep Show Club.

Believe me, you're welcome to it.


Enter the broker's men.

Well, gentlemen,
and I use the world loosely...

(Audience chuckles)

Gentlemen, this is probably my last public
appearance on any stage for some time.

I'd just like to put it down on record

that in my whole professional career
I've never looked down

on such a collection
of pathetic-looking morons in my life.

I don't know what
you fellas come here for.

What is it, sex, eh? Is it sex?

Cos you won't get it here,
I'll tell you that. Forget it.

You should try the YWCA Club
round the corner.

- That's swinging compared to this place.
- Let's get on with it, shall we?

The man's right.
The show must go on.

But why this one should, I don't know.

Right, gentlemen... a few moments' time,
these slags we've got back here

will remove their clothing
before your very eyes.

Now, this isn't a sexual invitation.

This is what is known
as a striptease club, gentlemen,

with the emphasis on the word "tease".

Right'? Shall I tell you something?
This is for nothing.

These birds back here,
they hate you, right'?

They hate you. Believe me, they hate you.
You make them sick.

There's no love in this place, fellas.

God forbid that's what you came here for.
There's not even any sex.

If you fancy anything you see here, and
you're man enough to do anything about it,

you'd be run out of here so quick,
your feet wouldn't touch the ground.

(Audience laughs)

Look at you grinning like idiots.
I'm telling you the truth!

Get off! Get off!

I've been asked to leave, gentlemen.

Right... very well.

The Peep Show Club is proud
to present on this very stage

what is probably the most second-rate,
nasty, small-minded, dirty little show

in the West End, right?

And by the look of your faces,
it's exactly what you deserve.

Right, Harry. Give it to 'em.

- Charming.
- All right, I know. I'm fired.

Get your gear and get out. I don't
want to see your ugly mug here again!

Sure. Do you know
what you are, Gerry?

You're a ponce.
You're a high-class ponce.

Go on, get out of it!

(Gerry) Ladies, shall we perform?

- Have you seen who's out front?
- Yeah, I saw.

- What are you hanging about for?
- You want me to run'?

Harry, all my bleeding life
I've been running. I wanna stop.

For once in my life, I wanna
stop running, right? You know?

I don't know, guv. Seems to me you got it
all wrong somehow. You got it all wrong.

Seems to me there's a time to run,
and a time to stop.

I don't know what you think you're trying
to prove facing up to these two idiots.

Why don't you get out of it?
Go on, get out of it!


Victoria Coach Station.

(Horns honk)

Get the car!

(Tannoy) 'All passengers
for the 8:00pm Yorkshire services

'to Bradford, Leeds, Halifax,

'Huddersfield, Barnsley, Sheffield,

'please go to bay number six,

'where the coaches are now loading.'

Patsy! Patsy!

What are you doing here?
I-I-I thought you said that I was...

Hello, love.

Come on.

- Your tickets, please.
- Yes. Can I get a ticket on the bus?

- You'll have to go to the ticket office.
- You get on the bus. I'll get a ticket.

(Conductor) Your ticket, miss.

A single to Bradford, please.

(Mouths) Come on.

(Mouths) Come on.

(Mouths) Are you coming? Sammy?

(Mouths) What are you doing?

(Coach engine starts)

Sammy! Sammy, what are you doing?

Sammy, for heaven's sake, we're going!


What are you doing? Sammy!

Sammy, please!

Sammy! Sammy!

(Mouths) Sammy!

(Tannoy) 'All passengers for Halifax,
Huddersfield, Barnsley, Sheffield,

'please go to bay number six
where the coaches are now loading.'


You don't know the rules,
do you, son, eh?

(Pants and sobs)



- I'll fix him!
- No.

Look, you're a bit too old
for this game, mister.

I said no!

Well, it's better than nothing, innit?

Turn the car around.

- Look, what's the matter with you?
- I said turn the car around!

(Engine starts)



(Laughter echoes)