The Return of Captain Invincible (1983) - full transcript
In World War II, Captain Invincible used his superpowers against the Nazis, and he was a hero. But when they accused him of supporting the Communists, he retired to Australia. Now, after a U.S. super secret super weapon is stolen, he's asked to come back to help. Unfortunately, he's an alcoholic now.
--== McEphie ==--
(radio signal beeping)
(energetic music)
(brooding music)
- [Charles] This is Charles Blackman,
flashing to you
"News On The March."
Hidden cameras recorded
this sensational scene
of bootleggers in action.
The mystery bigshot racketeer
is in for a big surprise.
Watch these mobsters
closely, folks,
because in a second the
mighty hand of justice
is going to deal them a
blow they'll never forget.
(bricks thudding)
(suspenseful music)
(group yelling)
Yes, it's him, Captain
Invincible, the Man of Magnet.
The game's up for these bozos.
The Captain, knowing our
cameras would be there,
gave us these exclusive
shots of himself in action.
Thanks, Cap.
With you around, we know
gangsters are living in fear.
No one is immune from prosecution
when the Legend in
Leotards decides to strike.
(water splashing)
It's history,
it's "News On The March."
Captain Invincible,
the hero of our day.
- [Reporter] The Air Force
released this sensational film
of Captain Invincible in flight,
on the way to an aerial encounter
that Hitler and Germany
will never forget.
While Grand Fuhrer Hitler
and an industrialist crony
watch a rally,
his planes are on blitzkrieg war path.
(plane engine roaring)
These Luftwaffe Nazis
are killers in the sky.
The following scenes, some
of the most amazing footage
filmed in the war so far,
have been censored for
security reasons.
But one thing is for sure:
the krauts will never forget the day
the Man of Magnet read them
the funnies.
Give 'em hell, Cap.
(suspenseful music)
- [Pilot] Mein Gott!
What is that?
(speaking in German)
- [Reporter] This Stuka
is in for his last dive.
These demons of destruction
can terrify no more.
And it's one more wall
prize for the Captain.
(artillery fires)
(pilot speaking in German)
(artillery firing)
(pilot speaking in German)
(pilot speaking in German)
From the Atlantic to the Pacific,
no Axis plane is safe from Invincible.
See you later, Captain.
We're glad you're on our side.
It's auf Wiedersehen for Fritz!
(upbeat music)
"News On The March" cameras
recorded Captain Invincible's
recent visit to Camp Eisenhower.
These pint-sized heroes are about
to learn a few old tricks from their idol.
- Let's see you do it.
Rub as fast as you can.
(wood rattling)
(laughs) Watch this, now.
I'll show you some speed.
Get it in the hole.
(wood rubbing)
(group chattering)
(fire crackling)
(group cheering)
(group clapping)
Who's got the marshmallows, huh?
So long, folks.
- [Reporter] The Captain had some words
of wisdom for kids everywhere.
- What are you gonna be
when you grow up, son?
- I wanna be just like you, Captain.
- Well, that just might not be possible.
- Oh, well, I'll just have
to be President of the United States.
- A very fine ambition, lad.
When you do get to be President,
you can feel free to call
on me anytime you like.
Yessir, folks, as long as we keep
on taking care of this country,
this country will keep
on taking care of us.
(flesh hissing)
- Hallelujah.
- You can wave, now.
- [Reporter] Keep up the good work, Cap.
- [Michael] The country was stunned
last week when Captain Invincible
had to face accusations of disloyalty.
The Captain showed his anger
but millions asked themselves,
what was this hearing really about?
- [Senator] All we want
is a simple answer.
What were you, a presumably
patriotic American,
doing inside communist Russia
on the date in question?
- I'll be happy to tell you, Senator.
I was wiping out the
3rd Panzer Division
and two Waffen-SS units
single-handedly.
That's what I was doing.
- [Senator] Very impressive.
Just what motivated you to go
and fight Stalin's battles for him?
- What? What?
- Senator, I object to your
implication that my client was--
- [Senator] Captain Invincible,
you admit
that you're a premature anti-fascist.
I think you're more than that.
I notice you wear a red cape.
What made you pick that particular color?
- It might surprise you to know,
Senator,
that red, white, and blue
are the colors of the flag
of the United States of America,
a country that you and I should
both be proud to live in.
- [Senator] Don't hide
behind the flag, Captain.
Answer the question.
And while you're at it,
why don't you tell us where
you got that title Captain?
According to my records, you
never served a single day
in the armed forces of this great nation.
In just whose service
are you captain, Captain?
- Mr. Chairman, in view of
the testimony of the effect
that you receive no money whatsoever,
I'd like to request that the
committee now take action
and ask the Justice Department
to return an indictment for perjury.
This will serve a double purpose.
It'll also notify all future witnesses
that they must tell the truth,
and that we are serious.
We've had too much experience with,
met witnesses with very,
very faulty memory.
- [Michael] But the Captain
walks out in disgust.
(dramatic music)
(group chattering)
- What's your reaction to the charges?
(camera clicks)
- These charges are part
of a government conspiracy
against my client.
- Conspiracy?
- That's, that's what I said.
For example, impersonating
a military officer;
flying without a pilot's license;
wearing underwear in public.
This whole thing is a, a tissue of lies
designed to intimidate
and demoralize my client.
- Have they?
(group chattering)
- I'm sorry, what was that?
- [Reporter] Is he demoralized?
Is that why he wasn't at
this morning's hearing?
- No further questions.
(dramatic music)
- [Michael] America
was astonished last week
when Captain Invincible, under
a cloud of allegations
and charges, vanished.
Where is the Captain?
The familiar figure of
the Legend in Leotards
flying over Manhattan is no more,
and this little kid
isn't too happy about it.
- Hello, America.
This is Michael Lang
reporting from Australia,
where the wayward American
Skylab Space Station
has come to a fiery end.
With me now is one of the locals.
Sir, did you see Skylab when it fell?
- Yes, I did.
- You did.
Would you mind just--
- I was flying
through the air, and
this en-enormous object
come hur-hur-hurling at me
at great speed.
- Thank you very much.
- I attempted to catch it.
- Catch it, yes, good work, sir.
- But it was going with such great speed.
- Yes, sir, thank you.
- That it threw me violently-
- Thank.
- To the earth.
- Thank you very much.
- And I was standing-
- And that's all-
- Beneath.
- From Australia.
- Nearly in rubble.
- This is Michael Lang.
- The size-
- Signing off.
(Captain Invincible hiccups)
(triumphant music)
(body thudding)
(triumphant music)
(slow tempo gentle music)
(upbeat music)
♪ New York, New York ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ Is a wonderful town ♪
♪ The Bronx is up and the Battery's down ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ The people ride in
a hole in the ground ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ New York, New York ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ It's a wonderful town ♪
(body thuds)
(voice echoing)
(triumphant music)
(brooding music)
(upbeat music)
(siren wailing)
(traffic humming)
- [Mr. Midnight] This is Midnight.
Come in, all New York City operatives.
I require a status report
on Operation Urban Decay.
Graffiti?
- [Graffiti Artist] Up 80%, sir.
- [Mr. Midnight] High decibel noise?
- [Operative] Up 92%, Mr. Midnight.
- [Mr. Midnight] Rampant inflation?
- [Operative 2] Still climbing.
- [Mr. Midnight] Senseless crime?
- [Operative 3] Running wild, sir.
- Excellent, excellent!
Attention, all operatives.
Attention.
All our preliminary
goals have been reached.
All targeted neighborhoods
have been prepared.
We shall therefore proceed
with the final phase of Operation Ivory.
This is Number One signing off.
Have a nice day.
♪ Ba-bom, bom, bom ♪
(light humming)
♪ Bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ Bom, bom ♪
(Mr. Midnight singing in foreign language)
Julius.
Julius!
Stop thundering about.
♪ Oy, ha ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
(ominous music)
- Now let's go through this one last time.
At 1000 hours,
that's a little more
than two hours from now,
the president arrives with
the top defense chiefs,
and, over my objections, the
Australian prime minister,
for a limited inspection tour.
Washington wants to cut our
secret development budget.
So we will demonstrate the hypno-ray.
I don't like this, but
it's that or our jobs.
We have to impress the top brass.
You all have your schedules,
so nothing can possibly go wrong.
(alarm ringing)
(explosion booming)
(gun banging)
(siren wailing)
- Follow me, Mr. Prime Minister.
- Are you sure, are you
sure you want me to come?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, sure,
come on, come on.
- As, as prime minister of Australia,
I should get back to the caravan.
- The generals are already
in there, goddammit,
so let's go.
I wanna know what the
hell's been happening here!
- I concur.
I wanna know what the, what
the hell's been happening here.
- Well, certainly not
your routine robbery,
but I still don't see
why it poses a threat
to national security.
- It was used to, uh,
to, uh, steal the, uh.
- Not the hypno-ray.
- I'm afraid so, Mr. President.
- How effective is the hypno-ray?
- The hypno-ray, as its name implies,
is a device which reverses
the normal relationship of brain to eye.
By affecting the eye of the victim,
his or her brain can be compelled to want
or even desire any physical object.
- Could they pull it to
pieces and, and study it?
I mean, uh, could they
build another hypno-ray?
- They could.
- I concur.
- I'll, I'll, uh, concur, uh, too,
if you want me to.
- Well, that means
that we could have-
- Uh, I concur, I-
- A dozen hypno-rays, 50 hypno-rays.
Oh, good Lord,
whoever has that device
could strike anywhere.
- Nuke them.
- Nuke who, dummy?
We don't know who has the goddamn thing.
- Cruise missile seek and pinpoint.
- Pinpoint what?
Pinpoint who?
- This is obviously a Soviet mission.
They have acquired the hypno-ray
to turn all our agents around
and use them against us.
- Exactly.
- I concur.
- So do I, dammit.
- I'll, I'll concur if you-
- We're wasting time here.
Whatever they stole the damn thing for,
we've got to get it back.
- Let's nuke the ruskie sons of bitches.
- Yeah.
- Blast 'em all to hell and gone.
- Submarine missile attack-
- Yes.
- Mr. President.
- B-52 saturation penetration.
- Yes, yes, I concur!
(hand thuds)
♪ Bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit, bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit, bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit ♪
- Is that all I'm ever
gonna get from you guys?
Bullshit?
Oh, ask a silly question.
What the world needs right now is a hero.
(gentle music)
(group vocalizing)
(group vocalizing)
(group vocalizing)
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Is a shining hero ♪
♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Is a glory man ♪
♪ A glory man ♪
♪ Who will fly down ♪
♪ Who will swoop down ♪
♪ And save the day, and save the day ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Is a hero to help us through ♪
♪ We know we gonna find it ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Our hypno-ray ♪
♪ Oh, yes we do ♪
♪ Yeah, he gonna find it ♪
♪ Our hypno-ray ♪
♪ In a single day, in a single day ♪
♪ Our troubles are over ♪
♪ Oh, yes they are ♪
♪ That's what I say ♪
♪ That's what you say ♪
♪ I know he's gonna find it ♪
♪ Gonna find that ray ♪
♪ Yeah, he's gonna find that ray ♪
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Is a shining hero ♪
♪ Oh, yes we do ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Is a glory man ♪
♪ A glory man ♪
♪ Who will fly down,
and down, down, down ♪
♪ And save the day ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Yeah, is a hero to help us through ♪
♪ Yeah, brothers and sisters ♪
♪ We need a hero to find our hypno-ray ♪
♪ That hypno-ray, hip hip hooray ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
(head thuds)
- [Connie] Excuse me, officer.
- [Patty] Yes, Connie.
- [Connie] Oh, he's back again.
- Same as last week, huh?
- Yeah, and the week before that.
- Thank you.
- [Connie] That he's a bloody nuisance.
- Why?
- He's been sitting
in that doorway, carries on,
and says the most dreadful things.
(Connie chattering)
- Okay, let's go, colonel.
You're blocking the traffic.
- I am not a colonel, I'm a captain.
- Sorry, I forgot.
Which service?
- Don't ask me that!
I refuse to answer on the
grounds of the (mumbling).
Into the green!
(air blowing)
Into the red.
- Son, this is not the way.
If you need--
- Listen, forget the sermon, sambo,
just give us your wallet.
- Police officer!
Drop it!
(guns banging)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(car engine roaring)
(birds chirping)
Get out of the way!
(Captain Invincible groans)
(gun banging)
(Patty yells)
(flames roaring)
(tires screeching)
(air whooshing)
(air whistling)
(car thudding)
(glass shattering)
(Captain Invincible burps)
- A car flew through the air, did it?
- Appeared to fly through
the air, sergeant.
(announcer chattering)
(alarm wailing)
(printer whirring)
(bell dings)
- Top priority international
all-points bulletin.
"Captain Invincible, otherwise
know as the Caped Contender,
Man of Magnet, Legend in Leotards.
If located, contact President,
care of U.S. Government.
Buy U.S. Saving Bond."
(phone ringing)
- [Patty] Sergeant.
- Yes.
- Nothing.
(phone dial whirring)
Camber, please.
U.S. Embassy.
♪ I love to have a drink with Duncan ♪
♪ For Duncan is me mate ♪
♪ I love to have a drink with Charlie ♪
(car doors banging)
- [Mr. Kirby] These orders are crazy.
We're putting the fate of the free world
in the hands of washed-up
drunk and a green rookie.
- You got it wrong, Mr. Kirby.
The green rookie is for
the time being at least
a proud possessor of the
title "detective."
And she deserves it. After
all, she found your man.
- In the case of American
personnel, dammit,
the head of the FBI at least
should be marching in there
to give the son of a bitch his orders.
- After all he's been through,
no one should give him orders.
No one can give him orders,
but a friend can ask for his help.
- That's you, right?
You're his friend.
- I intend to be, yes.
(police radio chattering)
(mouse squeaking)
- I told you welfare
broads a hundred times,
I don't need any saving.
- No, no, I'm a policewoman.
Remember from this morning?
- This morning was a long time ago.
What do you want?
- You, Captain Invincible, just you.
- You got the wrong party.
- Also known as The Caped
Contender, Legend in Leotards,
and, last but not least,
Man of Magnet.
- I don't what you're talking about.
- Oh, really? Is that a fact?
(needle thudding)
(electricity crackles)
- (sighs) Okay, what do you want?
- Well, it's like this.
The American government
needs you to come and help.
- Oh, let me tell you.
"The world is in great
danger, every moment counts.
Only you, Captain Invincible,
can prevent
this terrible catastrophe," right?
- Right, how did you know?
- Because that's what
they always used to say
to get the old horse out of the barn,
and it used to work but not anymore.
So you can tell whoever sent you here
that I gave up the hero
business a long time ago.
- Well, you saved my life this morning.
That looked pretty heroic to me.
- Everybody makes mistakes.
- [Patty] There are a lot
of people who need you now.
- What about 'em?
I didn't see anybody putting
themselves on the line
when I had the short end of the stick.
(slow tempo country music)
Towards the end there
I couldn't even tell the
good guys from the bad guys.
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ It's amazing how much they're alike ♪
♪ They both act sincere ♪
♪ But they're so filled with fear ♪
♪ They switch sides in
the wink of an eye ♪
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ Well, it ain't like old Wyatt and Doc ♪
♪ A man knew where he stood then ♪
♪ What was evil and good then ♪
♪ And the good guys
always came out on top ♪
♪ Now who's wearing black hats ♪
♪ And who's wearing white ♪
♪ And who's on the side
of justice and right ♪
♪ The line is so fine ♪
♪ Between heaven and hell ♪
♪ Not even a hero can tell ♪
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ Today neither one wants to fight fair ♪
♪ They keep changing the rules ♪
♪ Making all of us fools ♪
♪ Until finally nobody cares ♪
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ Don't count neither one as your friend ♪
♪ When the going gets rough ♪
♪ Well, they won't back you up ♪
♪ And you stand all alone in the end ♪
♪ Now who's wearing black hats ♪
♪ And who's wearing white ♪
♪ Who's on the side of justice and right ♪
♪ Well, the line is so fine ♪
♪ Between heaven and hell ♪
♪ Not even a hero can tell ♪
♪ The good guys from the bad guys ♪
Well, it's their hand
cart, tell them to push it.
- Your country needs you, Captain.
The world needs you,
now more than ever.
- Not me, kid.
Not me.
(mouse squeaking)
(siren wailing)
- Captain.
Captain Invincible.
(Captain Invincible yells)
(groans) Stop choking me.
I am your President.
- Oh, my God... Oh, my God,
Mr. President, I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.
I'm okay.
It's quite all right.
I guess I haven't got any right
to ask you for anything,
Captain Invincible.
But I will ask you to keep an old promise.
You remember?
- Yes, I do, sir.
Yes, I do.
A very worthy ambition.
And when you are you can feel free
to call on me at any time.
- There's something else.
All those years ago when
you signed that portrait,
you touched me on the shoulder.
(flesh hissing)
And every since there's been a mark there.
Sometimes it, it smarts a little.
Here, see.
Let me show it to you,
just so you know I'm, I'm
not kidding, all right?
Now wait until I'll get these buttons.
There.
And maybe you could give me a hand
to get that hook off the back, right?
That's it.
- Oh, the mystic mark.
- Yeah.
- The sacred bond that
can never be broken.
- We need you badly, Captain Invincible.
We need you now real badly.
(Captain Invincible sighs)
(triumphant music)
- Ah, stop!
I gotta get down!
(chain clanging)
Give me the bag!
(Captain Invincible retching)
(Captain Invincible retching)
- Are you all right?
- I'm dying and you're shopping.
(Captain Invincible coughs)
- Don't you recognize it?
Have you any idea what a dry cleaner
charges for years of storage?
- Wonder if it still fits.
What's that?
- Yours.
I spent the morning at some
of your favorite pawn shops.
- My old wrist radio.
Good old American engineering.
You can't beat the double vacuum tube.
(gentle music)
Look there.
(radio chattering)
(gentle music)
Uh, she's not on.
- Sure it does.
I bought you some new batteries.
- [Captain Invincible]
Uh, you don't understand.
She's not on.
- [Patty] What does this unlock?
- Too many memories.
(key thudding)
(whistle blowing)
- Okay, let's try it without the harness.
- All right, and I gotta have a couple-
- Captain, it's only a
few feet off the ground.
- Okay, all right, okay.
Give me the Dramamine.
(whistle blows)
What do I say?
- "Magnet on."
"Magnet on!"
- Twice, I say it twice?
- Uh, excuse me, sir,
that's not right.
He's says, uh, "magnet on"
when he wants
to use his magnetic ability.
To fly he says, "Begin program."
- As I understand that--
- No, he doesn't.
He says, "Begin program," when he wants
to use his amazing computer brain.
- Right, we've got it straight at last.
"Magnet on."
Are you listening, Captain?
- Yeah.
- Good.
"Magnet on" is for the magnetic ability.
"Begin program" is for...
- The, the, the amazing computer brain.
- Right, you've got it.
And to fly you yell out...?
"Into the blue!"
- Blue, blue.
"Into the blue," stupid!
- Good.
Let's give it a go.
- Okay.
Here we go.
Into the blue!
(Captain Invincible grunts)
- This is not gonna work.
- Up!
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
Into the blue!
(computer humming)
(computer beeping)
(metal clanging)
(button pops)
(metal clanging)
(metal thuds)
(metal clanging)
(metal thudding)
(metal rustling)
(metal clanging)
(metal scraping)
(metal whooshes)
(metal rustling)
(metal squeaking)
(metal clanging)
(metal clangs)
(metal squeaking)
(metal clangs)
- Mayday.
Mayday!
(plastic thuds)
- Tupper.
I think we oughta just call it a day.
(horn blowing)
(birds chirping)
- Number 19 calling Number One.
19 calling Number One.
(static hissing)
- [Mr. Midnight] Number One standing by.
- [19] 19 calling Number One.
- I repeat, Number 19,
Number One standing by.
Having you anything new to report?
- Uh, yes, there have
been unusual supplies
delivered to the opera house this morning.
- What do you mean unusual supplies?
- A truck load of gym equipment,
portable sauna, two wrestling mats,
and a case of Dramamine.
Since then every top cop in Sydney,
both commonwealth and local,
and U.S. military men have been in there.
And that lady cop I was telling you about?
She's with that slob
that's been getting all the VIP treatment.
- Would you be good enough
to elaborate on the slob, Number 19?
- [19] He looks familiar.
He's probably one of those
old has-been prize fighters.
- And old fighter.
(ominous music)
I wonder.
- So I'm supposed to
call you a police person
instead of a policewoman?
- Yeah, that's right, it's neutral.
- You mean neutered.
Then the word becomes horsepersonship?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- That sort of joke's
pretty tired these days.
- Yeah?
- I hope you're feeling hungry
because I'm paying for dinner.
- Okay, how about steak at Jack Dempsey's?
- Where?
- Or Lindy's or...
Listen, this is a stupid question
but where the hell are we?
Uh, uh, is this Wall Street?
Where is this?
- [Patty] Sydney.
Sydney, Australia.
- Australia?
That's where I've been all these years?
No wonder the rats look so
big, they were kangaroos.
Ah.
- Keep track of them, Number 19,
and alert all operatives in the area.
All good things must come to an end.
Tea time for Jeremy.
(teeth crunching)
(door clicks)
- Oh, what a great place.
Makes me feel right at home.
Where'd you get all this stuff?
- [Patty] Oh, you know,
flea markets,
garage sales, junk shops.
- (chuckles) No wonder I feel at home.
- [Patty] How do you want your steak?
- Uh, rare.
- What do you want with it?
Bean curd, sprouts?
- [Captain Invincible] What's that?
- It's too difficult to explain.
How about french fries?
- Perfect.
What is this?
Is this some kind of phonograph?
- [Patty] Stereo.
- Huh.
(static humming)
(gentle music)
(announcer chattering)
She's not on.
- What?
- Never mind.
- Place is all yours.
Almost all yours.
- I was just looking.
Just looking.
(chimes ringing)
(door bangs)
(Captain Invincible sighs)
(Captain Invincible sighing)
(energy humming)
(energy humming)
(Captain Invincible panting)
(energy humming)
(tongue whooshing)
(lizard grunts)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(ominous music)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Hitler speaking in German)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(computer beeping)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(ship whirring)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
I won't let you down, Mr. President.
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(missiles roaring)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(computer beeping)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(chimes ringing)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(wall cracking)
(drill whirring)
Listen, I've got to apologize
for acting so feisty.
I just haven't felt this good in years.
I feel alive and alert and vital and--
- Sober.
- Sober, that's the word.
To the good guys, wherever they may be.
- [Patty] The good guys.
- You paid $1.49 for seltzer?
- (laughs) That's not seltzer.
- It isn't?
Boy, they saw you coming. (laughing)
Patty, you know I, I can't
remember the last time I had a.
(metal clanging)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(clock whirring)
(electricity booming)
(electricity whistling)
I'm sorry, that's, that's
my magnetic ability.
It's, it's out of whack.
- Think nothing of it, it's
just my entire kitchen.
How did you get like this?
- Drinking.
- No, no, before you
were Captain Invincible.
- Oh.
(whimsical music)
Long story.
(woman moaning)
(ship humming)
(woman moaning)
(group chattering)
(woman moaning)
(laser crackling)
(group chattering)
(woman moaning)
(laser crackling)
(group chattering)
(laser crackling)
- [Mr. Surling] How do you feel?
- Out of this world.
(group chattering)
(ship humming)
(babies crying)
- Ah, Mr. Surling,
congratulations, it's a boy.
A big boy.
Come on, come in. (chuckles)
Come on.
- Where's the baby, Doc?
- [Baby] Into the blue.
(suspenseful music)
- And the less said
about the end the better.
- So you stumble a little.
That's allowed.
- Well, I was kind of pushed.
- What's wrong?
- Oh, I, I just don't know if
I can trust myself anymore.
It's been so long.
Well, you saw what
happened this afternoon.
- You'll learn to control
your powers again.
It's like riding a bike, comes back.
- I never had to ride a bike.
(hands clap)
(electricity humming)
(electricity pops)
(electricity hissing)
- You're ready to throw
in the towel, aren't you?
- [Captain Invincible]
I haven't got a towel.
- [Patty] Well, you can't give up.
- [Captain Invincible] Why?
- [Patty] For the one person who never
got a fair deal from Captain Invincible.
- Who?
- You.
To begin with, he's going to
use his amazing computer brain
to find our missing suspects,
since all others have failed.
Are you ready, Captain?
- Yes, I am, Ms. Patria.
Thank you very much.
Do you have all the materials
that we've talked about?
- Right here, Captain.
- Very good.
- Sydney street directory,
registrations of all door-to-door salesmen
in the metropolitan area.
The appliance supplement to
Myer's department stores.
A videotape of the crime scene,
both in normal and infrared.
A direct link to prisons
throughout the world.
Their operators are standing by
with lists of recently released felons.
Are you ready, Captain?
- Yes.
(computer whirring)
(keys clicking)
(light humming)
Ah, the glasses.
Where are the goddamn glasses?
- [Patty] Right here.
- Start the books.
(bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
(pages rustling)
Wait, wait, I missed that one.
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
Cut!
Stop all programs!
(chair thuds)
Data analyzed, suspect identified.
98.9% certain. Suspect
name, Harold Culligan,
aka Little Hank.
First arrest, 1961, Sydney,
stole vicuna coat and refrigerator-freezer
from Albert Tucker residence.
Learned small appliance trade in jail.
Current address and place of business,
Vacuum Sale and Repair Shop, 319 Broadway.
Broadway, Broadway, a north-south street
traversing most of Manhattan Island,
a central part of which
is clustered with theaters
which have made the streets
synonymous with American entertainment.
♪ Give my regards to Broadway ♪
Broadway first became the apex
of this industry circa 1850,
when its central location
drove a fashionable
impresarios and audiences.
From there, Broadway soared to a
height of activity in 1920's.
(Captain Invincible chattering)
Since then the number but not
the quality of the theaters
has gone into steady decline.
Decline, decline.
"Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
by Edward Gibbon, chapter two.
It was scarcely possible that
the eyes of contemporaries
should discover in the public felicity
the latent causes of decay and corruption.
(Captain Invincible chattering)
The latent causes of decay and corruption.
(Captain Invincible chattering)
(body thudding)
(Patty yells)
We got it.
It's okay now.
We're all right.
(wind blowing)
(suspenseful music)
(papers rustling)
(door clicks)
(bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
(door bangs)
- That guy.
That outfit.
It can't be.
- But it is.
After all these years,
it is.
I knew that Captain Invincible
was beaten, broken, a drunken clown,
and content with the pleasure
that that knowledge gave me
I foolishly stayed my hand.
- All I know is that they're
getting too close for comfort.
- Calm yourself.
The only thing that they're
getting close to is the grave.
(ominous music)
(snake hisses)
(teeth crunching)
(vacuum whirring)
(suspenseful music)
(plastic clanging)
(plastic thudding)
(Patty groans)
- What the heck?
(hoses honking)
We're locked in, Patty!
Go see if there's a backdoor!
- [Patty] Oh, Captain!
- What?
- Cap!
(Patty yells)
- I'll try the window.
(Patty yells)
(suspenseful music)
(electricity popping)
(Patty groaning)
(electricity pops)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Patty grunting)
(Patty yells)
Hang on!
(electricity pops)
(Patty groaning)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(Patty grunts)
Hang on!
(hoses hissing)
(Patty yells)
(Captain Invincible yells)
(gun bangs)
(vacuum whirring)
- [Patty] Hey!
- Ah.
This really sucks.
Patty.
(gun bags)
(plastic thudding)
- I can't breathe!
- I know, they're sucking
up all the air in here.
- Well, use your magnetic power.
- I can't, I don't know if I can use that
any better than my amazing computer brain.
- If you don't hurry up
we won't have any choice.
- Yeah, all right.
Magnet on!
(dramatic music)
Magnet on.
(electricity pops)
- Don't fly.
Use your magnetic power.
(body thudding)
Come down.
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Come down.
- Please.
(electricity humming)
- What are you doing?
- The electrical system.
I'm reversing the polarity
so that the vacuums
blow the air back out of the room.
That's a fine thing to do now.
(air hissing)
Patty!
(air hissing)
(button pops)
Patty!
(air hissing)
(button pops)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(electricity popping)
(woman screaming)
(explosion booming)
Whoo-hoo, ah!
(triumphant music)
(vacuum cranking)
(Captain Invincible yells)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(vacuums cranking)
(suspenseful music)
(air hissing)
(air hissing)
(Patty screaming)
(air pops)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
No wonder nature abhors a vacuum.
I'll say one thing for
you, Patty, you got moxie.
- [Patty] What's moxie?
- Never mind.
Come on.
- Where to?
- Headquarters.
- What for?
- To find the traitor.
(door clicks)
(air blowing)
(bell ringing)
(upbeat music)
(group chattering)
- [Tony] 35 years I've been in New York.
35 years but enough's enough.
- [Wife] Tony, relax.
Your ulcer.
- Relax?
How can I relax?
- All our residents
have the same complaint:
the city, she's turning into a nightmare.
But here at Sicily Acres-- look,
she's heaven on a stick.
- It's beautiful, but
the price is got to be-
- Uh, don't worry about the price.
For you, for you, we are paesanos,
I will take of you.
(hand thuds)
(ominous music)
(gun humming)
(laser humming)
Now, why don't you take
another look at our homes.
- I got to live here.
- A down payment, (speaks in
foreign language) no problem.
You are going to live here.
- We are going to live here.
(upbeat drum music)
(group chanting)
- And we're going to go
home and pack.
- Reports from the housing developments
are excellent, chief.
All the sales figures have
topped our expectations.
Everything's going great!
Except for...
- Except for Captain Invincible.
Exactly.
I must say that his survival
was rather surprising.
Seems that his abilities have returned
rather sooner than I expected.
However, I can assure you
that he will not escape
the new trap that I have laid for him.
I shall destroy Captain Invincible
for the second time.
(group laughing)
- I don't understand
why you're so certain.
Oh, my God.
- This is madness.
Madness!
We were meant to walk into this, Patty,
which can only mean one thing:
there's a traitor in your department.
What is it?
- Jane Fonda reading "Walden Pond."
- God almighty.
- They didn't stand a chance.
And how could this of happened?
Where are the security guards?
How come?
- [Dispatcher] Federal authorities
have cordoned off areas.
Wanted for questioning.
Repeat, be on the lookout
for Captain Invincible
and female companion
wanted for questioning.
Wanted for questioning.
- We've been set up, Patty.
We've been framed!
- Captain, I don't know how
to explain all this yet,
but I think you're
being a little paranoid.
- Paranoid, eh?
- Hold it right there.
- Come on, Patty!
(wall thudding)
(guns firing)
(laughs) Faster than a
speeding jet!
They've found no way to stop him yet!
- [Patty] There's only one thing, Captain.
- What?
- We're going straight into the water.
- Into the blue!
Into the blue, for Christ's sake!
- May I make a suggestion?
- Number One.
Uh, calling Number One.
- I trust for your sake that
you have a favorable report.
- It's fantastic.
Because of the hypno-ray
the occupancy rate of
Sicily Heights is 98%.
- Most impressive.
(Mr. Midnight laughing)
- Thanks to the hypno-ray
we have achieved a 99%
occupancy rate in Polish Palms.
- Excellent! (laughs)
(fingers snap)
- Thanks to the hypno-ray
we have achieved 100%
occupancy rate in Afro Acres.
- Excellent.
(Mr. Midnight chuckles)
- Do you know what you've done?
Have you any idea?
You've thrown my whole career
out the window along with me.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
They would have believed my story.
I'm not a washed-up drunk
who pleaded the fifth
in front of a-- I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.
(sighs) It's just that my
career was just beginning.
Had a policewoman of the month badge
and three special commendations
in the commissioner's own handwriting.
- Well, I'm sure you deserved
the commendations, kid,
but I don't know if
you would have deserved
the ventilation hose you would have had
all throughout your body
if I didn't drag you out of there.
- How can you be so sure?
- Because I know who's behind this now.
- Who?
- Mr. Midnight.
He's the only one who's smart
enough to have engineered...
(whistle blowing)
He's the only person who could
have engineered this thing.
Stolen the hypno-ray, getting
the whole world against me,
it all makes sense now.
- Mr. Midnight.
- Yeah.
My arch-enemy.
Hell, everybody's arch-enemy,
as far back as I can remember.
♪ I had chums in the Wall Street crash ♪
♪ Who made a hash of their sums ♪
♪ And burned their mothers for cash ♪
♪ They turned into bums in a flash ♪
♪ I've known monkeys who were doing okay ♪
♪ Who met flunkies that
would blow you away ♪
♪ They were junkies in less than a day ♪
♪ There are pushers and
hoodlums of great dedication ♪
♪ That without hesitation
supply medication ♪
♪ One minute you're a looker that looked ♪
♪ And the next you're a
hooker that's hooked ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
(fingers snapping)
♪ Long before the great Big Bang ♪
♪ There was evil in the void ♪
♪ Long before the first bird sang ♪
♪ Evil was enjoyed ♪
♪ Long before the dawn of man ♪
♪ There was born an evil plan ♪
♪ Believe me when I say that ♪
♪ There's no other side to Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
(fast tempo jazz music)
♪ Hold on, sit tight ♪
♪ You never ever did right ♪
♪ Roll on, Midnight ♪
♪ You're spoiling for the big fight ♪
♪ Mr. Evil Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
♪ Long before the sands of time ♪
♪ There was evil doing well ♪
♪ Long before the birth of crime ♪
♪ There was evil building hell ♪
♪ Long before the age of reason ♪
♪ Evil waged unholy treason ♪
♪ Believe me that no mother ♪
♪ Ever cried for Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
♪ He's a creature of
a thousand disguises ♪
♪ But the man behind the
mask remains the same ♪
♪ If it's really who you think he is ♪
♪ You're in for some surprises ♪
♪ Was that Stalin? ♪
♪ Was that Hitler? ♪
♪ Was that really Mrs. Norman Maine? ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
♪ Long before the crack of doom ♪
♪ There was evil in the air ♪
♪ Long before we left the womb ♪
♪ There was evil everywhere ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ Long before the truth was found ♪
♪ Evil used to cruise around ♪
♪ Believe me, it's a
one-way ride for Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
(upbeat music)
♪ Hold on, sit tight ♪
♪ You never, ever did right ♪
♪ Roll on, Midnight ♪
♪ You're spoiling for the big fight ♪
♪ Mr. Evil Midnight ♪
♪ Now I'm gonna keep my grip tight ♪
♪ I'm going to take a big bite ♪
♪ Gonna get a big fight ♪
♪ Mr. Evil Midnight ♪
(flames roaring)
(fingers snap)
- If he's that bad, what are
going to do about it, Captain?
♪ Who is the one true friend of America? ♪
♪ Friend of her people
from farmer to senator ♪
♪ Keeping America safe from the predator ♪
♪ So that the weak and the
meek shall inherit her ♪
♪ Who in the fight for our
rights always wins them all ♪
♪ Wielding justice from above ♪
♪ Who stands for me, and
for you, and for principle? ♪
♪ Captain Invincible, that's who ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ A wop bop pow ♪
♪ And all right ♪
♪ You put up a light ♪
♪ And put out your lights ♪
♪ Wham bam splat ♪
♪ And you K.O. ♪
♪ You're what America's
dreams are made of ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I've been sapped ♪
♪ Till I'm insensible ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ In Captain Invincible ♪
- Mr. President, I think
I speak for all of us,
that is, all of us here,
when I say that we are not satisfactored
as to the conduction of the Seek Program
by the individual
choiced by yourself, sir.
- What?
- We don't like Invincible.
He's a juice head.
A complete burnout.
- Gentlemen, I have absolute
faith in Captain Invincible.
Your criticisms are
premature and unwarranted.
That is all.
- Close down the sample
home by noon tomorrow
and have all the other
villages do the same.
You will then converge at
the underground yacht basin
and await the signal.
Open wider, you silly boy.
There.
- The statue is 302 feet tall
and a gift from the people of France.
On its base are the famous words
by the American Jewish poet Emma Lazarus.
"Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free."
- Can we go up in the head?
- Uh, no.
You see, that observation platform
was closed over 30 years
ago by the government.
Now we're coming up to
Ellis Island soon where...
(playful ominous music)
- I can't wait much longer, Mr. President.
- There is danger ahead.
- What?
- We cannot escape danger
or the fear of it
by crawling into bed and pulling
the covers over our heads.
- I won't let you down, Mr. President.
I can't wait any longer, Mr. President.
- Wake up, Vince.
- Uh.
Sorry about the mess, Patty.
Truman used to send a girl in on Tuesdays,
but you know how things are.
- It's not that bad.
- Sorry, did you say something?
- No.
- Okay.
(hands clap)
(computer beeping)
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna find Midnight.
Got a battery of long
range sensing devices
hooked up to terminals
all over the country.
Ike gave them to me.
And when I plug myself in,
I can literally feel
what's going on from the
mountains to the prairies.
(button clicks)
No, she's still not on.
- The American Eagle Network.
Captain, I hate to tell you this
but that's not around anymore.
- Don't say it, Patty.
I don't want you to bury
any more dreams of mine
so just don't say it!
- I'm sorry, but I have to tell you
the truth about things that have changed.
- Things haven't changed,
Patty, people have changed.
People and the whole damn country.
It's lost something.
It's lost something vital,
like, like, like, like
honesty and pride, integrity,
and a sense of the future.
I tell you, when that happens
to a country,
country goes right into the gutter.
- [Patty] Well, you came back from there.
Well, you did.
- I'll tell you when this thing is over
I'm gonna sit in that chair
and just wait.
- Wait for what?
That radio to start working again?
- Why not?
See that?
That's Albert Einstein.
He was a close personal
friend of mine, Patty.
And he said to me once, he said.
(Captain Invincible speaking
in foreign language)
Which means that the universe, Patty,
and time it, it goes on, goes on forever
all the way through to eternity,
and, and folds in on
itself in a kind of vortex,
and then comes all the way back.
Well, fine, I'm just
gonna sit here and wait.
Just gonna sit up here in Ms. Liberty
and wait for 1950 to come around again.
And with it Jack Dempsey,
the Polo Grounds,
the NBC Blue Network,
Harry God Bless Him Truman,
and maybe when hell freezes over
some good old fashioned
pride in this country.
Okay, state of the union check.
I'm gonna start west and work my way east.
(machine humming)
(computer beeping)
(electricity crackling)
(electricity popping)
(machine whirring)
(metal creaks)
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Did you find out where Midnight is?
- I think so.
(phone chiming)
- Janice, I said no calls.
Who?
Well, my God, yes.
Why didn't you tell me?
Put him on.
- Good morning, sir.
- Oh, Captain Invincible.
Well, it's great to hear your voice.
- Thank you very much.
Sir, I have information
about the hypno-ray.
- You do?
- Midnight's got it,
and I think I know where to find him.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Captain, now you're sure
about this Mr. Midnight?
- Mr. Midnight, yes.
Right.
Good.
Terrific.
Thank you, sir.
(phone thuds)
He doesn't believe me.
I'm gonna get sold down the
river just like last time.
- He can't, he's your friend.
- Maybe and maybe not.
- I'm going to give him 24 hours.
- Come on, Patty, we've got work to do.
- A veritable feast of Thanksgiving
on this the eve of a glorious new order.
When the pure genetic Americans discover
what I have done to clean
up that rotting cesspool
that they call New York,
their gratitude to me will be boundless.
They will carry me
into the White House upon their shoulders.
And our plan will spread
throughout the entire land.
Gentlemen, I give you a
toast to Operation Ivory.
In 24 hours, New York will be 100% pure.
Alas, poor Schultz.
I knew him well, Julius.
(traffic humming)
(horn honking)
(group chattering)
- Recognize that sign?
They had one exactly like it
outside the vacuum repair shop.
- Coincidence?
- Where Midnight is concerned,
there is no coincidence.
(group chattering)
(silverware clanging)
Hello.
(silverware clanging)
(group chattering)
- That's right, Mrs.
Newsbloom, Israeli Acres.
But don't take my word for it,
check it out for yourself.
But hurry, I hear they're almost all sold.
- Yes, I will.
Thank you, thank you.
- Mention my name!
Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'd like a pastrami
and a corned beef, please.
- Right.
- Both on rye.
And uh, oh, anything else, honey?
- A pint of Cole slaw and
a half a pound of Nova.
- And some matjes herring,
and a little halva,
and some information about Mr. Midnight.
- Mister who?
- You heard me.
- Captain.
- Listen to me, buddy, I've
been in this shop 20 years,
I ain't never heard of Mr. Midnight,
or, or moonlight, or whatever.
- Yes?
Then why are you putting
mayonnaise on a corned beef sandwich?
- Be with you in a minute.
- Duck!
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
(group screaming)
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
You don't know Midnight, eh?
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
There's no need for the gun, Patty,
my powers are coming back.
I can feel 'em surging through my body.
I'll repel their bullets
with my magnetic ability.
Magnet on!
(magnet humming)
(knives clanging)
(knives whooshing)
(knives thudding)
Repel, attract, I'll get
it right in a minute.
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(machine whirring)
(blade boinging)
(gun firing)
(deli owner laughing)
(glass shattering)
(liquid splattering)
(suspenseful music)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(triumphant music)
(pie whooshing)
(pie thudding)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(pie thudding)
(food splattering)
(gun banging)
(pie whooshing)
(pie thudding)
(pies whooshing)
(gun firing)
(explosion booming)
(pie whooshing)
(pie splattering)
(pies whooshing)
(glass shattering)
(pies whooshing)
(pie splattering)
(pie splats)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(pie splattering)
(pie whooshes)
(explosion booming)
(fish boings)
(food splattering)
(gun clicks)
(letter whooshing)
- Oh, good God, this one's
been sliced to death.
- Not a very pleasant way to go, Patty.
- He's not old.
- Huh.
And he's not Jewish either.
(upbeat jazz music)
♪ Whatever happened to ♪
♪ The world that I once knew ♪
♪ They call this progress ♪
♪ It can't be true ♪
♪ What was wrong with a time ♪
♪ When a dime was a dime ♪
♪ Men wore a coat and tie ♪
♪ World leaders didn't have to lie ♪
♪ So if I have to fight ♪
♪ Then that's what I will do ♪
♪ I'll fight until I find ♪
♪ The world I knew ♪
(glass shattering)
♪ I'll fight until I find ♪
♪ The world I knew ♪
(Captain Invincible screaming)
(air whooshing)
- Attention, all operatives.
Attention.
Captain Invincible will be
within our grasp at any moment.
I want him totally destroyed.
To your battle stations.
(air whooshing)
(body thuds)
- Your cockamamie story
checks out, Patracia.
But we can't get that shaft open.
If it is a shaft.
- Uh, you gotta do something.
- Well, we're only human,
unlike your friend. (laughs)
Come on, you've got an
appointment at headquarters.
- I thought I was cleared.
- Oh, you are.
But if you wanna keep your badge,
you better file a report
that keeps my department
out of this entire fiasco.
- And what about Captain Invincible?
- He's on his own.
(glass shattering)
- Maybe he's not on his own.
(air whooshing)
(footsteps tapping)
(bat squeaking)
(suspenseful music)
(group yelling)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(metal clangs)
(explosion booming)
(group yelling)
(metal clanging)
(needle thuds)
(explosion booming)
(group yelling)
- Into the blue!
Shit, shit!
(group yelling)
(electricity crackling)
(group yelling)
(metal thuds)
(hands thud)
- No, no! (screaming)
(body thuds)
(wood thudding)
- Oh, Gustav.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
- Ah, just, just a moment, Gustav, please.
Now, would you mind repeating that
but a little more slowly.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
I see, so our gallant captain
has finally arrived. And then?
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
Into the deli, down the chute,
and into the garbage.
Very appropriate.
Go on.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
Unfortunate, but not entirely unexpected.
Thank you, Gustav.
You may go.
Oh, of course.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
(Mr. Midnight speaks in foreign language)
(metal thudding)
(explosion booming)
(group yelling)
- You didn't think I'd make, did you?
- Frankly, I didn't
think that you'd make it
into this century, my dear fellow.
You're a walking anachronism, Captain.
A paltry, puffed-up notion
of a day long passed.
An entity whose tickets to
oblivion is about to be punched.
(switch clicks)
(door clanging)
(snakes hissing)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(Captain Invincible screams)
(switch clicks)
(door clanging)
(alligator roaring)
(triumphant music)
(metal clanging)
(pit thudding)
- Well, that was really the pits.
- Congratulations, Captain.
It seems that some of your old skills
have not entirely deserted you.
- I don't need any compliments
from you, Midnight.
I want the hypno-ray and I want it now.
- Same old dreary demands.
Self-righteous, messianic, moralistic,
and increasingly tedious.
- Fine talk from a sociopath
paranoid schizophrenic
with delusions of grandeur.
- Thank you.
- You'll never change.
- And you will never win.
(fingers snap)
(lid whooshing)
Now let's see, during our long association
you have, uh, changed brands
quite a few times haven't you?
To begin with, it was retsina,
as I recall
with just a little dash of hemlock.
And then your long flirtation with cognac,
during which you did
rather overdo with Napoleon.
And most recently, a fine Kentucky bourbon.
(upbeat music)
♪ Mai Tai say that I'm old-fashioned ♪
♪ Tres vin ordinaire ♪
♪ That I want a fresh Manhattan ♪
♪ With white Anglo-Saxons everywhere ♪
♪ A black Russians ♪
♪ No pink lady ♪
♪ Give her the Singapore sling ♪
(glass shattering)
♪ And Moscow mule is not your baby ♪
♪ So highball the vodka
and name your sting ♪
♪ Be a big shot, with a bull shot ♪
♪ Be a Schwein Mit der Wein ♪
♪ Have a short, or a port,
or a snort, of any sort ♪
♪ Asti Spumante, Uno Chianti ♪
♪ Are divine ♪
♪ I got some economic hocks ♪
♪ A gin and tonic on the rocks ♪
♪ Where angels fear to tread, I say ♪
♪ Choose your booze ♪
♪ Let's hit the red-eye ♪
♪ Think of young Deanna Durbin ♪
♪ And how she sung on rum and bourbon ♪
♪ Or enhance your luncheon hour ♪
♪ With a Planter's punch
and a whiskey sour ♪
♪ If you feel like a
wreck try a horse's neck ♪
♪ Or a sherry with a cherry
in the new fun size ♪
♪ If you don't name your poison ♪
♪ I'll have to get the boys in ♪
♪ The spirit of adventure
opens one's eyes ♪
♪ If you don't name your poison ♪
♪ I'll have to get the boys in ♪
♪ And you'll never see
another tequila sunrise ♪
♪ Live happily ever after ♪
♪ With a Chablis and some laughter ♪
♪ Between the sheets is lovely ♪
♪ With a ditzy blonde
and a popular bubbly ♪
♪ There's nothing sicker in society ♪
♪ Than a lack of liquor and sobriety ♪
♪ So, down the hatch ♪
♪ Here's mud in your eye ♪
♪ Take a bracer with a chaser ♪
♪ Wash it down with rye ♪
♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ Stir a cup ♪
♪ It'll put you in the pink ♪
♪ And all you have to do is ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink ♪
(computer beeping)
- [Captain Invincible] By
plugging myself into them,
I can literally feel what's
going on in this land of ours,
from the mountains to the prairies.
- And now.
(speaking in French)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(lid thudding)
- This is the American Eagle Network
broadcasting one last time.
For all of you out there who still believe
in fairies, heroes, second
chances, love, and trust.
Captain, they're playing your song.
(upbeat music)
♪ God bless America ♪
♪ Land that I love ♪
- She's on.
♪ Beside her ♪
She's finally on.
♪ And guide her ♪
♪ Through the night with
the light from above ♪
♪ From the mountains to the prairies ♪
♪ To the oceans white with foam ♪
♪ God bless America, my home sweet home ♪
♪ God bless America ♪
♪ Land that I love ♪
♪ Stand beside her ♪
♪ And guide her ♪
♪ Through the night with
the light from above ♪
♪ From the mountains to the prairies ♪
♪ To the oceans ♪
(explosion booming)
(glass shattering)
(glass shattering)
Here I am again.
What's on the program now?
A little water polo?
- What's on is 30 years of
research and development
controlled by that computer over there.
- [Computer] Hello, Captain.
Pardon me for a moment, I have
some business to attend to.
Attention, submarine fleet.
Assume attack formation
and prepare to fire.
Midnight One, your targets
are Polish Palms and Israeli Acres.
Midnight Two, you take out Sicily Heights
and San Juan Sands.
What you will shortly see
in that terrarium miniature,
you will also shortly see in reality.
- [Computer] Commence
attack, and have a nice day.
(alarm beeping)
(water splashing)
(alarm beeping)
(water splashing)
(hands whooshing)
(missile crackling)
(missile popping)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
(missile whistling)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
(ground rumbling)
(glass shattering)
(man yelling)
(woman screaming)
(group screaming)
(missile whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(explosions booming)
(Mr. Midnight yelling)
(computer beeping)
(ground rumbling)
(group screaming)
- I've sent back the repellent, repulsive,
genetically inferior,
racially impure monstrosities,
back to the very just fate
that has awaited them all
since the very dawn of man!
Congratulations, Midnight,
you really are a genius.
(computer beeping)
(hands whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(water whirling)
You fumbled a big one
on the one yard line.
Today New York, tomorrow the world!
- Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(suspenseful music)
(electricity crackling)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(explosions booming)
(fire whistling)
Into the blue!
(triumphant music)
(missile whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(water splashing)
(missile whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(water splashing)
(alarm wailing)
(explosion booming)
- Michael Lang with a special news break.
Moments ago, sections
of the New York State
coastline broke away.
The ethnic populations trapped
on the floating sections
were rescued by--
- Into the blue!
Captain Invincible from a
submarine attack masterminded
by arch criminal Mr. Midnight.
Although this has not been confirmed.
(air blowing)
Invincible vanished decades ago,
and his astonishing reappearance
stunned millions of New Yorkers.
Stayed tuned for further
developments, film at 11.
- Patty, that was one terrific broadcast.
- Nothing to it.
Vince, all I had to do was
get on your wavelength.
- Well, you're on it.
- We knew you'd come through for us.
And don't be a stranger now.
Let's have lunch together sometime.
- Right, right, we'll keep in touch.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
(President chuckles)
(camera clicking)
(triumphant music)
(group chattering)
(group cheering)
(group clapping)
I'm not a public speaker,
or an expert, or anything,
but there's something
that I'd like to say.
We've been through a great deal together.
Now it isn't all your
fault but some of it was.
That's because a lot of us, including me,
have been thinking we're
all alone in the world,
alone or part of some
helpless little group.
And that what's makes us
such easy marks for the bad guys.
But together we're not
alone, we're not helpless.
Together we're part of the
roughest, toughest, biggest,
kindest, fairest, best damn
gang in the whole world.
Okay, Americans, this
time let's do it right.
(triumphant music)
(fireworks booming)
♪ Who is the one true friend of America ♪
♪ Friend of her people
from farmer to senator ♪
♪ Keeping America safe from the predator ♪
♪ So that the weak and the
meek shall inherit her ♪
♪ Who in the fight for our
rights always wins them all ♪
♪ Wielding justice from above ♪
♪ Who stands for me and
for you and for principle ♪
♪ Captain Invincible, that's who ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ A wop bop pow ♪
♪ And all right ♪
♪ You put up a light ♪
♪ And put out the lights ♪
♪ Wham bam splat ♪
♪ And you K.O. ♪
♪ You're what America's
dreams are made of ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I've been sapped ♪
♪ Till I'm insensible ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ In Captain Invincible ♪
♪ A wop bop pow ♪
♪ And all right ♪
♪ Put up a light ♪
♪ And put out the lights ♪
♪ Wham bam splat ♪
♪ And you K.O. ♪
♪ You're what America's
dreams are made of ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I've been sapped ♪
♪ Till I'm insensible ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ In Captain Invincible ♪
♪ Invincible, Invincible ♪
♪ Invincible, Invincible ♪
(slow tempo dramatic music)
(radio signal beeping)
(energetic music)
(brooding music)
- [Charles] This is Charles Blackman,
flashing to you
"News On The March."
Hidden cameras recorded
this sensational scene
of bootleggers in action.
The mystery bigshot racketeer
is in for a big surprise.
Watch these mobsters
closely, folks,
because in a second the
mighty hand of justice
is going to deal them a
blow they'll never forget.
(bricks thudding)
(suspenseful music)
(group yelling)
Yes, it's him, Captain
Invincible, the Man of Magnet.
The game's up for these bozos.
The Captain, knowing our
cameras would be there,
gave us these exclusive
shots of himself in action.
Thanks, Cap.
With you around, we know
gangsters are living in fear.
No one is immune from prosecution
when the Legend in
Leotards decides to strike.
(water splashing)
It's history,
it's "News On The March."
Captain Invincible,
the hero of our day.
- [Reporter] The Air Force
released this sensational film
of Captain Invincible in flight,
on the way to an aerial encounter
that Hitler and Germany
will never forget.
While Grand Fuhrer Hitler
and an industrialist crony
watch a rally,
his planes are on blitzkrieg war path.
(plane engine roaring)
These Luftwaffe Nazis
are killers in the sky.
The following scenes, some
of the most amazing footage
filmed in the war so far,
have been censored for
security reasons.
But one thing is for sure:
the krauts will never forget the day
the Man of Magnet read them
the funnies.
Give 'em hell, Cap.
(suspenseful music)
- [Pilot] Mein Gott!
What is that?
(speaking in German)
- [Reporter] This Stuka
is in for his last dive.
These demons of destruction
can terrify no more.
And it's one more wall
prize for the Captain.
(artillery fires)
(pilot speaking in German)
(artillery firing)
(pilot speaking in German)
(pilot speaking in German)
From the Atlantic to the Pacific,
no Axis plane is safe from Invincible.
See you later, Captain.
We're glad you're on our side.
It's auf Wiedersehen for Fritz!
(upbeat music)
"News On The March" cameras
recorded Captain Invincible's
recent visit to Camp Eisenhower.
These pint-sized heroes are about
to learn a few old tricks from their idol.
- Let's see you do it.
Rub as fast as you can.
(wood rattling)
(laughs) Watch this, now.
I'll show you some speed.
Get it in the hole.
(wood rubbing)
(group chattering)
(fire crackling)
(group cheering)
(group clapping)
Who's got the marshmallows, huh?
So long, folks.
- [Reporter] The Captain had some words
of wisdom for kids everywhere.
- What are you gonna be
when you grow up, son?
- I wanna be just like you, Captain.
- Well, that just might not be possible.
- Oh, well, I'll just have
to be President of the United States.
- A very fine ambition, lad.
When you do get to be President,
you can feel free to call
on me anytime you like.
Yessir, folks, as long as we keep
on taking care of this country,
this country will keep
on taking care of us.
(flesh hissing)
- Hallelujah.
- You can wave, now.
- [Reporter] Keep up the good work, Cap.
- [Michael] The country was stunned
last week when Captain Invincible
had to face accusations of disloyalty.
The Captain showed his anger
but millions asked themselves,
what was this hearing really about?
- [Senator] All we want
is a simple answer.
What were you, a presumably
patriotic American,
doing inside communist Russia
on the date in question?
- I'll be happy to tell you, Senator.
I was wiping out the
3rd Panzer Division
and two Waffen-SS units
single-handedly.
That's what I was doing.
- [Senator] Very impressive.
Just what motivated you to go
and fight Stalin's battles for him?
- What? What?
- Senator, I object to your
implication that my client was--
- [Senator] Captain Invincible,
you admit
that you're a premature anti-fascist.
I think you're more than that.
I notice you wear a red cape.
What made you pick that particular color?
- It might surprise you to know,
Senator,
that red, white, and blue
are the colors of the flag
of the United States of America,
a country that you and I should
both be proud to live in.
- [Senator] Don't hide
behind the flag, Captain.
Answer the question.
And while you're at it,
why don't you tell us where
you got that title Captain?
According to my records, you
never served a single day
in the armed forces of this great nation.
In just whose service
are you captain, Captain?
- Mr. Chairman, in view of
the testimony of the effect
that you receive no money whatsoever,
I'd like to request that the
committee now take action
and ask the Justice Department
to return an indictment for perjury.
This will serve a double purpose.
It'll also notify all future witnesses
that they must tell the truth,
and that we are serious.
We've had too much experience with,
met witnesses with very,
very faulty memory.
- [Michael] But the Captain
walks out in disgust.
(dramatic music)
(group chattering)
- What's your reaction to the charges?
(camera clicks)
- These charges are part
of a government conspiracy
against my client.
- Conspiracy?
- That's, that's what I said.
For example, impersonating
a military officer;
flying without a pilot's license;
wearing underwear in public.
This whole thing is a, a tissue of lies
designed to intimidate
and demoralize my client.
- Have they?
(group chattering)
- I'm sorry, what was that?
- [Reporter] Is he demoralized?
Is that why he wasn't at
this morning's hearing?
- No further questions.
(dramatic music)
- [Michael] America
was astonished last week
when Captain Invincible, under
a cloud of allegations
and charges, vanished.
Where is the Captain?
The familiar figure of
the Legend in Leotards
flying over Manhattan is no more,
and this little kid
isn't too happy about it.
- Hello, America.
This is Michael Lang
reporting from Australia,
where the wayward American
Skylab Space Station
has come to a fiery end.
With me now is one of the locals.
Sir, did you see Skylab when it fell?
- Yes, I did.
- You did.
Would you mind just--
- I was flying
through the air, and
this en-enormous object
come hur-hur-hurling at me
at great speed.
- Thank you very much.
- I attempted to catch it.
- Catch it, yes, good work, sir.
- But it was going with such great speed.
- Yes, sir, thank you.
- That it threw me violently-
- Thank.
- To the earth.
- Thank you very much.
- And I was standing-
- And that's all-
- Beneath.
- From Australia.
- Nearly in rubble.
- This is Michael Lang.
- The size-
- Signing off.
(Captain Invincible hiccups)
(triumphant music)
(body thudding)
(triumphant music)
(slow tempo gentle music)
(upbeat music)
♪ New York, New York ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ Is a wonderful town ♪
♪ The Bronx is up and the Battery's down ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ The people ride in
a hole in the ground ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ New York, New York ♪
(voice echoing)
♪ It's a wonderful town ♪
(body thuds)
(voice echoing)
(triumphant music)
(brooding music)
(upbeat music)
(siren wailing)
(traffic humming)
- [Mr. Midnight] This is Midnight.
Come in, all New York City operatives.
I require a status report
on Operation Urban Decay.
Graffiti?
- [Graffiti Artist] Up 80%, sir.
- [Mr. Midnight] High decibel noise?
- [Operative] Up 92%, Mr. Midnight.
- [Mr. Midnight] Rampant inflation?
- [Operative 2] Still climbing.
- [Mr. Midnight] Senseless crime?
- [Operative 3] Running wild, sir.
- Excellent, excellent!
Attention, all operatives.
Attention.
All our preliminary
goals have been reached.
All targeted neighborhoods
have been prepared.
We shall therefore proceed
with the final phase of Operation Ivory.
This is Number One signing off.
Have a nice day.
♪ Ba-bom, bom, bom ♪
(light humming)
♪ Bom, bom, bom ♪
♪ Bom, bom ♪
(Mr. Midnight singing in foreign language)
Julius.
Julius!
Stop thundering about.
♪ Oy, ha ♪
♪ Ha, ha, ha ♪
(ominous music)
- Now let's go through this one last time.
At 1000 hours,
that's a little more
than two hours from now,
the president arrives with
the top defense chiefs,
and, over my objections, the
Australian prime minister,
for a limited inspection tour.
Washington wants to cut our
secret development budget.
So we will demonstrate the hypno-ray.
I don't like this, but
it's that or our jobs.
We have to impress the top brass.
You all have your schedules,
so nothing can possibly go wrong.
(alarm ringing)
(explosion booming)
(gun banging)
(siren wailing)
- Follow me, Mr. Prime Minister.
- Are you sure, are you
sure you want me to come?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, sure,
come on, come on.
- As, as prime minister of Australia,
I should get back to the caravan.
- The generals are already
in there, goddammit,
so let's go.
I wanna know what the
hell's been happening here!
- I concur.
I wanna know what the, what
the hell's been happening here.
- Well, certainly not
your routine robbery,
but I still don't see
why it poses a threat
to national security.
- It was used to, uh,
to, uh, steal the, uh.
- Not the hypno-ray.
- I'm afraid so, Mr. President.
- How effective is the hypno-ray?
- The hypno-ray, as its name implies,
is a device which reverses
the normal relationship of brain to eye.
By affecting the eye of the victim,
his or her brain can be compelled to want
or even desire any physical object.
- Could they pull it to
pieces and, and study it?
I mean, uh, could they
build another hypno-ray?
- They could.
- I concur.
- I'll, I'll, uh, concur, uh, too,
if you want me to.
- Well, that means
that we could have-
- Uh, I concur, I-
- A dozen hypno-rays, 50 hypno-rays.
Oh, good Lord,
whoever has that device
could strike anywhere.
- Nuke them.
- Nuke who, dummy?
We don't know who has the goddamn thing.
- Cruise missile seek and pinpoint.
- Pinpoint what?
Pinpoint who?
- This is obviously a Soviet mission.
They have acquired the hypno-ray
to turn all our agents around
and use them against us.
- Exactly.
- I concur.
- So do I, dammit.
- I'll, I'll concur if you-
- We're wasting time here.
Whatever they stole the damn thing for,
we've got to get it back.
- Let's nuke the ruskie sons of bitches.
- Yeah.
- Blast 'em all to hell and gone.
- Submarine missile attack-
- Yes.
- Mr. President.
- B-52 saturation penetration.
- Yes, yes, I concur!
(hand thuds)
♪ Bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit, bullshit,
bullshit, bullshit, bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit ♪
♪ Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, bullshit ♪
- Is that all I'm ever
gonna get from you guys?
Bullshit?
Oh, ask a silly question.
What the world needs right now is a hero.
(gentle music)
(group vocalizing)
(group vocalizing)
(group vocalizing)
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Is a shining hero ♪
♪ Oh, yes, we do ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Is a glory man ♪
♪ A glory man ♪
♪ Who will fly down ♪
♪ Who will swoop down ♪
♪ And save the day, and save the day ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Is a hero to help us through ♪
♪ We know we gonna find it ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Our hypno-ray ♪
♪ Oh, yes we do ♪
♪ Yeah, he gonna find it ♪
♪ Our hypno-ray ♪
♪ In a single day, in a single day ♪
♪ Our troubles are over ♪
♪ Oh, yes they are ♪
♪ That's what I say ♪
♪ That's what you say ♪
♪ I know he's gonna find it ♪
♪ Gonna find that ray ♪
♪ Yeah, he's gonna find that ray ♪
♪ What the world needs now ♪
♪ Oh, yeah ♪
♪ Is a shining hero ♪
♪ Oh, yes we do ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Is a glory man ♪
♪ A glory man ♪
♪ Who will fly down,
and down, down, down ♪
♪ And save the day ♪
♪ What the world needs now,
what the world needs now ♪
♪ Yeah, is a hero to help us through ♪
♪ Yeah, brothers and sisters ♪
♪ We need a hero to find our hypno-ray ♪
♪ That hypno-ray, hip hip hooray ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
(head thuds)
- [Connie] Excuse me, officer.
- [Patty] Yes, Connie.
- [Connie] Oh, he's back again.
- Same as last week, huh?
- Yeah, and the week before that.
- Thank you.
- [Connie] That he's a bloody nuisance.
- Why?
- He's been sitting
in that doorway, carries on,
and says the most dreadful things.
(Connie chattering)
- Okay, let's go, colonel.
You're blocking the traffic.
- I am not a colonel, I'm a captain.
- Sorry, I forgot.
Which service?
- Don't ask me that!
I refuse to answer on the
grounds of the (mumbling).
Into the green!
(air blowing)
Into the red.
- Son, this is not the way.
If you need--
- Listen, forget the sermon, sambo,
just give us your wallet.
- Police officer!
Drop it!
(guns banging)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(car engine roaring)
(birds chirping)
Get out of the way!
(Captain Invincible groans)
(gun banging)
(Patty yells)
(flames roaring)
(tires screeching)
(air whooshing)
(air whistling)
(car thudding)
(glass shattering)
(Captain Invincible burps)
- A car flew through the air, did it?
- Appeared to fly through
the air, sergeant.
(announcer chattering)
(alarm wailing)
(printer whirring)
(bell dings)
- Top priority international
all-points bulletin.
"Captain Invincible, otherwise
know as the Caped Contender,
Man of Magnet, Legend in Leotards.
If located, contact President,
care of U.S. Government.
Buy U.S. Saving Bond."
(phone ringing)
- [Patty] Sergeant.
- Yes.
- Nothing.
(phone dial whirring)
Camber, please.
U.S. Embassy.
♪ I love to have a drink with Duncan ♪
♪ For Duncan is me mate ♪
♪ I love to have a drink with Charlie ♪
(car doors banging)
- [Mr. Kirby] These orders are crazy.
We're putting the fate of the free world
in the hands of washed-up
drunk and a green rookie.
- You got it wrong, Mr. Kirby.
The green rookie is for
the time being at least
a proud possessor of the
title "detective."
And she deserves it. After
all, she found your man.
- In the case of American
personnel, dammit,
the head of the FBI at least
should be marching in there
to give the son of a bitch his orders.
- After all he's been through,
no one should give him orders.
No one can give him orders,
but a friend can ask for his help.
- That's you, right?
You're his friend.
- I intend to be, yes.
(police radio chattering)
(mouse squeaking)
- I told you welfare
broads a hundred times,
I don't need any saving.
- No, no, I'm a policewoman.
Remember from this morning?
- This morning was a long time ago.
What do you want?
- You, Captain Invincible, just you.
- You got the wrong party.
- Also known as The Caped
Contender, Legend in Leotards,
and, last but not least,
Man of Magnet.
- I don't what you're talking about.
- Oh, really? Is that a fact?
(needle thudding)
(electricity crackles)
- (sighs) Okay, what do you want?
- Well, it's like this.
The American government
needs you to come and help.
- Oh, let me tell you.
"The world is in great
danger, every moment counts.
Only you, Captain Invincible,
can prevent
this terrible catastrophe," right?
- Right, how did you know?
- Because that's what
they always used to say
to get the old horse out of the barn,
and it used to work but not anymore.
So you can tell whoever sent you here
that I gave up the hero
business a long time ago.
- Well, you saved my life this morning.
That looked pretty heroic to me.
- Everybody makes mistakes.
- [Patty] There are a lot
of people who need you now.
- What about 'em?
I didn't see anybody putting
themselves on the line
when I had the short end of the stick.
(slow tempo country music)
Towards the end there
I couldn't even tell the
good guys from the bad guys.
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ It's amazing how much they're alike ♪
♪ They both act sincere ♪
♪ But they're so filled with fear ♪
♪ They switch sides in
the wink of an eye ♪
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ Well, it ain't like old Wyatt and Doc ♪
♪ A man knew where he stood then ♪
♪ What was evil and good then ♪
♪ And the good guys
always came out on top ♪
♪ Now who's wearing black hats ♪
♪ And who's wearing white ♪
♪ And who's on the side
of justice and right ♪
♪ The line is so fine ♪
♪ Between heaven and hell ♪
♪ Not even a hero can tell ♪
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ Today neither one wants to fight fair ♪
♪ They keep changing the rules ♪
♪ Making all of us fools ♪
♪ Until finally nobody cares ♪
♪ The good guys and the bad guys ♪
♪ Don't count neither one as your friend ♪
♪ When the going gets rough ♪
♪ Well, they won't back you up ♪
♪ And you stand all alone in the end ♪
♪ Now who's wearing black hats ♪
♪ And who's wearing white ♪
♪ Who's on the side of justice and right ♪
♪ Well, the line is so fine ♪
♪ Between heaven and hell ♪
♪ Not even a hero can tell ♪
♪ The good guys from the bad guys ♪
Well, it's their hand
cart, tell them to push it.
- Your country needs you, Captain.
The world needs you,
now more than ever.
- Not me, kid.
Not me.
(mouse squeaking)
(siren wailing)
- Captain.
Captain Invincible.
(Captain Invincible yells)
(groans) Stop choking me.
I am your President.
- Oh, my God... Oh, my God,
Mr. President, I'm sorry.
- Oh, that's okay.
I'm okay.
It's quite all right.
I guess I haven't got any right
to ask you for anything,
Captain Invincible.
But I will ask you to keep an old promise.
You remember?
- Yes, I do, sir.
Yes, I do.
A very worthy ambition.
And when you are you can feel free
to call on me at any time.
- There's something else.
All those years ago when
you signed that portrait,
you touched me on the shoulder.
(flesh hissing)
And every since there's been a mark there.
Sometimes it, it smarts a little.
Here, see.
Let me show it to you,
just so you know I'm, I'm
not kidding, all right?
Now wait until I'll get these buttons.
There.
And maybe you could give me a hand
to get that hook off the back, right?
That's it.
- Oh, the mystic mark.
- Yeah.
- The sacred bond that
can never be broken.
- We need you badly, Captain Invincible.
We need you now real badly.
(Captain Invincible sighs)
(triumphant music)
- Ah, stop!
I gotta get down!
(chain clanging)
Give me the bag!
(Captain Invincible retching)
(Captain Invincible retching)
- Are you all right?
- I'm dying and you're shopping.
(Captain Invincible coughs)
- Don't you recognize it?
Have you any idea what a dry cleaner
charges for years of storage?
- Wonder if it still fits.
What's that?
- Yours.
I spent the morning at some
of your favorite pawn shops.
- My old wrist radio.
Good old American engineering.
You can't beat the double vacuum tube.
(gentle music)
Look there.
(radio chattering)
(gentle music)
Uh, she's not on.
- Sure it does.
I bought you some new batteries.
- [Captain Invincible]
Uh, you don't understand.
She's not on.
- [Patty] What does this unlock?
- Too many memories.
(key thudding)
(whistle blowing)
- Okay, let's try it without the harness.
- All right, and I gotta have a couple-
- Captain, it's only a
few feet off the ground.
- Okay, all right, okay.
Give me the Dramamine.
(whistle blows)
What do I say?
- "Magnet on."
"Magnet on!"
- Twice, I say it twice?
- Uh, excuse me, sir,
that's not right.
He's says, uh, "magnet on"
when he wants
to use his magnetic ability.
To fly he says, "Begin program."
- As I understand that--
- No, he doesn't.
He says, "Begin program," when he wants
to use his amazing computer brain.
- Right, we've got it straight at last.
"Magnet on."
Are you listening, Captain?
- Yeah.
- Good.
"Magnet on" is for the magnetic ability.
"Begin program" is for...
- The, the, the amazing computer brain.
- Right, you've got it.
And to fly you yell out...?
"Into the blue!"
- Blue, blue.
"Into the blue," stupid!
- Good.
Let's give it a go.
- Okay.
Here we go.
Into the blue!
(Captain Invincible grunts)
- This is not gonna work.
- Up!
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
Into the blue!
(computer humming)
(computer beeping)
(metal clanging)
(button pops)
(metal clanging)
(metal thuds)
(metal clanging)
(metal thudding)
(metal rustling)
(metal clanging)
(metal scraping)
(metal whooshes)
(metal rustling)
(metal squeaking)
(metal clanging)
(metal clangs)
(metal squeaking)
(metal clangs)
- Mayday.
Mayday!
(plastic thuds)
- Tupper.
I think we oughta just call it a day.
(horn blowing)
(birds chirping)
- Number 19 calling Number One.
19 calling Number One.
(static hissing)
- [Mr. Midnight] Number One standing by.
- [19] 19 calling Number One.
- I repeat, Number 19,
Number One standing by.
Having you anything new to report?
- Uh, yes, there have
been unusual supplies
delivered to the opera house this morning.
- What do you mean unusual supplies?
- A truck load of gym equipment,
portable sauna, two wrestling mats,
and a case of Dramamine.
Since then every top cop in Sydney,
both commonwealth and local,
and U.S. military men have been in there.
And that lady cop I was telling you about?
She's with that slob
that's been getting all the VIP treatment.
- Would you be good enough
to elaborate on the slob, Number 19?
- [19] He looks familiar.
He's probably one of those
old has-been prize fighters.
- And old fighter.
(ominous music)
I wonder.
- So I'm supposed to
call you a police person
instead of a policewoman?
- Yeah, that's right, it's neutral.
- You mean neutered.
Then the word becomes horsepersonship?
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- That sort of joke's
pretty tired these days.
- Yeah?
- I hope you're feeling hungry
because I'm paying for dinner.
- Okay, how about steak at Jack Dempsey's?
- Where?
- Or Lindy's or...
Listen, this is a stupid question
but where the hell are we?
Uh, uh, is this Wall Street?
Where is this?
- [Patty] Sydney.
Sydney, Australia.
- Australia?
That's where I've been all these years?
No wonder the rats look so
big, they were kangaroos.
Ah.
- Keep track of them, Number 19,
and alert all operatives in the area.
All good things must come to an end.
Tea time for Jeremy.
(teeth crunching)
(door clicks)
- Oh, what a great place.
Makes me feel right at home.
Where'd you get all this stuff?
- [Patty] Oh, you know,
flea markets,
garage sales, junk shops.
- (chuckles) No wonder I feel at home.
- [Patty] How do you want your steak?
- Uh, rare.
- What do you want with it?
Bean curd, sprouts?
- [Captain Invincible] What's that?
- It's too difficult to explain.
How about french fries?
- Perfect.
What is this?
Is this some kind of phonograph?
- [Patty] Stereo.
- Huh.
(static humming)
(gentle music)
(announcer chattering)
She's not on.
- What?
- Never mind.
- Place is all yours.
Almost all yours.
- I was just looking.
Just looking.
(chimes ringing)
(door bangs)
(Captain Invincible sighs)
(Captain Invincible sighing)
(energy humming)
(energy humming)
(Captain Invincible panting)
(energy humming)
(tongue whooshing)
(lizard grunts)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(ominous music)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Hitler speaking in German)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(computer beeping)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(ship whirring)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
I won't let you down, Mr. President.
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(missiles roaring)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(computer beeping)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(chimes ringing)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(wall cracking)
(drill whirring)
Listen, I've got to apologize
for acting so feisty.
I just haven't felt this good in years.
I feel alive and alert and vital and--
- Sober.
- Sober, that's the word.
To the good guys, wherever they may be.
- [Patty] The good guys.
- You paid $1.49 for seltzer?
- (laughs) That's not seltzer.
- It isn't?
Boy, they saw you coming. (laughing)
Patty, you know I, I can't
remember the last time I had a.
(metal clanging)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(clock whirring)
(electricity booming)
(electricity whistling)
I'm sorry, that's, that's
my magnetic ability.
It's, it's out of whack.
- Think nothing of it, it's
just my entire kitchen.
How did you get like this?
- Drinking.
- No, no, before you
were Captain Invincible.
- Oh.
(whimsical music)
Long story.
(woman moaning)
(ship humming)
(woman moaning)
(group chattering)
(woman moaning)
(laser crackling)
(group chattering)
(woman moaning)
(laser crackling)
(group chattering)
(laser crackling)
- [Mr. Surling] How do you feel?
- Out of this world.
(group chattering)
(ship humming)
(babies crying)
- Ah, Mr. Surling,
congratulations, it's a boy.
A big boy.
Come on, come in. (chuckles)
Come on.
- Where's the baby, Doc?
- [Baby] Into the blue.
(suspenseful music)
- And the less said
about the end the better.
- So you stumble a little.
That's allowed.
- Well, I was kind of pushed.
- What's wrong?
- Oh, I, I just don't know if
I can trust myself anymore.
It's been so long.
Well, you saw what
happened this afternoon.
- You'll learn to control
your powers again.
It's like riding a bike, comes back.
- I never had to ride a bike.
(hands clap)
(electricity humming)
(electricity pops)
(electricity hissing)
- You're ready to throw
in the towel, aren't you?
- [Captain Invincible]
I haven't got a towel.
- [Patty] Well, you can't give up.
- [Captain Invincible] Why?
- [Patty] For the one person who never
got a fair deal from Captain Invincible.
- Who?
- You.
To begin with, he's going to
use his amazing computer brain
to find our missing suspects,
since all others have failed.
Are you ready, Captain?
- Yes, I am, Ms. Patria.
Thank you very much.
Do you have all the materials
that we've talked about?
- Right here, Captain.
- Very good.
- Sydney street directory,
registrations of all door-to-door salesmen
in the metropolitan area.
The appliance supplement to
Myer's department stores.
A videotape of the crime scene,
both in normal and infrared.
A direct link to prisons
throughout the world.
Their operators are standing by
with lists of recently released felons.
Are you ready, Captain?
- Yes.
(computer whirring)
(keys clicking)
(light humming)
Ah, the glasses.
Where are the goddamn glasses?
- [Patty] Right here.
- Start the books.
(bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
(pages rustling)
Wait, wait, I missed that one.
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
(bell ringing)
(computer screeching)
Cut!
Stop all programs!
(chair thuds)
Data analyzed, suspect identified.
98.9% certain. Suspect
name, Harold Culligan,
aka Little Hank.
First arrest, 1961, Sydney,
stole vicuna coat and refrigerator-freezer
from Albert Tucker residence.
Learned small appliance trade in jail.
Current address and place of business,
Vacuum Sale and Repair Shop, 319 Broadway.
Broadway, Broadway, a north-south street
traversing most of Manhattan Island,
a central part of which
is clustered with theaters
which have made the streets
synonymous with American entertainment.
♪ Give my regards to Broadway ♪
Broadway first became the apex
of this industry circa 1850,
when its central location
drove a fashionable
impresarios and audiences.
From there, Broadway soared to a
height of activity in 1920's.
(Captain Invincible chattering)
Since then the number but not
the quality of the theaters
has gone into steady decline.
Decline, decline.
"Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire"
by Edward Gibbon, chapter two.
It was scarcely possible that
the eyes of contemporaries
should discover in the public felicity
the latent causes of decay and corruption.
(Captain Invincible chattering)
The latent causes of decay and corruption.
(Captain Invincible chattering)
(body thudding)
(Patty yells)
We got it.
It's okay now.
We're all right.
(wind blowing)
(suspenseful music)
(papers rustling)
(door clicks)
(bell ringing)
(bell ringing)
(door bangs)
- That guy.
That outfit.
It can't be.
- But it is.
After all these years,
it is.
I knew that Captain Invincible
was beaten, broken, a drunken clown,
and content with the pleasure
that that knowledge gave me
I foolishly stayed my hand.
- All I know is that they're
getting too close for comfort.
- Calm yourself.
The only thing that they're
getting close to is the grave.
(ominous music)
(snake hisses)
(teeth crunching)
(vacuum whirring)
(suspenseful music)
(plastic clanging)
(plastic thudding)
(Patty groans)
- What the heck?
(hoses honking)
We're locked in, Patty!
Go see if there's a backdoor!
- [Patty] Oh, Captain!
- What?
- Cap!
(Patty yells)
- I'll try the window.
(Patty yells)
(suspenseful music)
(electricity popping)
(Patty groaning)
(electricity pops)
(Captain Invincible groaning)
(Patty grunting)
(Patty yells)
Hang on!
(electricity pops)
(Patty groaning)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(Patty grunts)
Hang on!
(hoses hissing)
(Patty yells)
(Captain Invincible yells)
(gun bangs)
(vacuum whirring)
- [Patty] Hey!
- Ah.
This really sucks.
Patty.
(gun bags)
(plastic thudding)
- I can't breathe!
- I know, they're sucking
up all the air in here.
- Well, use your magnetic power.
- I can't, I don't know if I can use that
any better than my amazing computer brain.
- If you don't hurry up
we won't have any choice.
- Yeah, all right.
Magnet on!
(dramatic music)
Magnet on.
(electricity pops)
- Don't fly.
Use your magnetic power.
(body thudding)
Come down.
- Shit, shit, shit!
- Come down.
- Please.
(electricity humming)
- What are you doing?
- The electrical system.
I'm reversing the polarity
so that the vacuums
blow the air back out of the room.
That's a fine thing to do now.
(air hissing)
Patty!
(air hissing)
(button pops)
Patty!
(air hissing)
(button pops)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(electricity popping)
(woman screaming)
(explosion booming)
Whoo-hoo, ah!
(triumphant music)
(vacuum cranking)
(Captain Invincible yells)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(vacuums cranking)
(suspenseful music)
(air hissing)
(air hissing)
(Patty screaming)
(air pops)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
No wonder nature abhors a vacuum.
I'll say one thing for
you, Patty, you got moxie.
- [Patty] What's moxie?
- Never mind.
Come on.
- Where to?
- Headquarters.
- What for?
- To find the traitor.
(door clicks)
(air blowing)
(bell ringing)
(upbeat music)
(group chattering)
- [Tony] 35 years I've been in New York.
35 years but enough's enough.
- [Wife] Tony, relax.
Your ulcer.
- Relax?
How can I relax?
- All our residents
have the same complaint:
the city, she's turning into a nightmare.
But here at Sicily Acres-- look,
she's heaven on a stick.
- It's beautiful, but
the price is got to be-
- Uh, don't worry about the price.
For you, for you, we are paesanos,
I will take of you.
(hand thuds)
(ominous music)
(gun humming)
(laser humming)
Now, why don't you take
another look at our homes.
- I got to live here.
- A down payment, (speaks in
foreign language) no problem.
You are going to live here.
- We are going to live here.
(upbeat drum music)
(group chanting)
- And we're going to go
home and pack.
- Reports from the housing developments
are excellent, chief.
All the sales figures have
topped our expectations.
Everything's going great!
Except for...
- Except for Captain Invincible.
Exactly.
I must say that his survival
was rather surprising.
Seems that his abilities have returned
rather sooner than I expected.
However, I can assure you
that he will not escape
the new trap that I have laid for him.
I shall destroy Captain Invincible
for the second time.
(group laughing)
- I don't understand
why you're so certain.
Oh, my God.
- This is madness.
Madness!
We were meant to walk into this, Patty,
which can only mean one thing:
there's a traitor in your department.
What is it?
- Jane Fonda reading "Walden Pond."
- God almighty.
- They didn't stand a chance.
And how could this of happened?
Where are the security guards?
How come?
- [Dispatcher] Federal authorities
have cordoned off areas.
Wanted for questioning.
Repeat, be on the lookout
for Captain Invincible
and female companion
wanted for questioning.
Wanted for questioning.
- We've been set up, Patty.
We've been framed!
- Captain, I don't know how
to explain all this yet,
but I think you're
being a little paranoid.
- Paranoid, eh?
- Hold it right there.
- Come on, Patty!
(wall thudding)
(guns firing)
(laughs) Faster than a
speeding jet!
They've found no way to stop him yet!
- [Patty] There's only one thing, Captain.
- What?
- We're going straight into the water.
- Into the blue!
Into the blue, for Christ's sake!
- May I make a suggestion?
- Number One.
Uh, calling Number One.
- I trust for your sake that
you have a favorable report.
- It's fantastic.
Because of the hypno-ray
the occupancy rate of
Sicily Heights is 98%.
- Most impressive.
(Mr. Midnight laughing)
- Thanks to the hypno-ray
we have achieved a 99%
occupancy rate in Polish Palms.
- Excellent! (laughs)
(fingers snap)
- Thanks to the hypno-ray
we have achieved 100%
occupancy rate in Afro Acres.
- Excellent.
(Mr. Midnight chuckles)
- Do you know what you've done?
Have you any idea?
You've thrown my whole career
out the window along with me.
- No, I didn't.
- Yes, you did.
They would have believed my story.
I'm not a washed-up drunk
who pleaded the fifth
in front of a-- I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.
(sighs) It's just that my
career was just beginning.
Had a policewoman of the month badge
and three special commendations
in the commissioner's own handwriting.
- Well, I'm sure you deserved
the commendations, kid,
but I don't know if
you would have deserved
the ventilation hose you would have had
all throughout your body
if I didn't drag you out of there.
- How can you be so sure?
- Because I know who's behind this now.
- Who?
- Mr. Midnight.
He's the only one who's smart
enough to have engineered...
(whistle blowing)
He's the only person who could
have engineered this thing.
Stolen the hypno-ray, getting
the whole world against me,
it all makes sense now.
- Mr. Midnight.
- Yeah.
My arch-enemy.
Hell, everybody's arch-enemy,
as far back as I can remember.
♪ I had chums in the Wall Street crash ♪
♪ Who made a hash of their sums ♪
♪ And burned their mothers for cash ♪
♪ They turned into bums in a flash ♪
♪ I've known monkeys who were doing okay ♪
♪ Who met flunkies that
would blow you away ♪
♪ They were junkies in less than a day ♪
♪ There are pushers and
hoodlums of great dedication ♪
♪ That without hesitation
supply medication ♪
♪ One minute you're a looker that looked ♪
♪ And the next you're a
hooker that's hooked ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
(fingers snapping)
♪ Long before the great Big Bang ♪
♪ There was evil in the void ♪
♪ Long before the first bird sang ♪
♪ Evil was enjoyed ♪
♪ Long before the dawn of man ♪
♪ There was born an evil plan ♪
♪ Believe me when I say that ♪
♪ There's no other side to Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
(fast tempo jazz music)
♪ Hold on, sit tight ♪
♪ You never ever did right ♪
♪ Roll on, Midnight ♪
♪ You're spoiling for the big fight ♪
♪ Mr. Evil Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
♪ Long before the sands of time ♪
♪ There was evil doing well ♪
♪ Long before the birth of crime ♪
♪ There was evil building hell ♪
♪ Long before the age of reason ♪
♪ Evil waged unholy treason ♪
♪ Believe me that no mother ♪
♪ Ever cried for Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
♪ He's a creature of
a thousand disguises ♪
♪ But the man behind the
mask remains the same ♪
♪ If it's really who you think he is ♪
♪ You're in for some surprises ♪
♪ Was that Stalin? ♪
♪ Was that Hitler? ♪
♪ Was that really Mrs. Norman Maine? ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
♪ Long before the crack of doom ♪
♪ There was evil in the air ♪
♪ Long before we left the womb ♪
♪ There was evil everywhere ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ Long before the truth was found ♪
♪ Evil used to cruise around ♪
♪ Believe me, it's a
one-way ride for Midnight ♪
(slow tempo jazz music)
(upbeat music)
♪ Hold on, sit tight ♪
♪ You never, ever did right ♪
♪ Roll on, Midnight ♪
♪ You're spoiling for the big fight ♪
♪ Mr. Evil Midnight ♪
♪ Now I'm gonna keep my grip tight ♪
♪ I'm going to take a big bite ♪
♪ Gonna get a big fight ♪
♪ Mr. Evil Midnight ♪
(flames roaring)
(fingers snap)
- If he's that bad, what are
going to do about it, Captain?
♪ Who is the one true friend of America? ♪
♪ Friend of her people
from farmer to senator ♪
♪ Keeping America safe from the predator ♪
♪ So that the weak and the
meek shall inherit her ♪
♪ Who in the fight for our
rights always wins them all ♪
♪ Wielding justice from above ♪
♪ Who stands for me, and
for you, and for principle? ♪
♪ Captain Invincible, that's who ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ A wop bop pow ♪
♪ And all right ♪
♪ You put up a light ♪
♪ And put out your lights ♪
♪ Wham bam splat ♪
♪ And you K.O. ♪
♪ You're what America's
dreams are made of ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I've been sapped ♪
♪ Till I'm insensible ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ In Captain Invincible ♪
- Mr. President, I think
I speak for all of us,
that is, all of us here,
when I say that we are not satisfactored
as to the conduction of the Seek Program
by the individual
choiced by yourself, sir.
- What?
- We don't like Invincible.
He's a juice head.
A complete burnout.
- Gentlemen, I have absolute
faith in Captain Invincible.
Your criticisms are
premature and unwarranted.
That is all.
- Close down the sample
home by noon tomorrow
and have all the other
villages do the same.
You will then converge at
the underground yacht basin
and await the signal.
Open wider, you silly boy.
There.
- The statue is 302 feet tall
and a gift from the people of France.
On its base are the famous words
by the American Jewish poet Emma Lazarus.
"Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses
yearning to breathe free."
- Can we go up in the head?
- Uh, no.
You see, that observation platform
was closed over 30 years
ago by the government.
Now we're coming up to
Ellis Island soon where...
(playful ominous music)
- I can't wait much longer, Mr. President.
- There is danger ahead.
- What?
- We cannot escape danger
or the fear of it
by crawling into bed and pulling
the covers over our heads.
- I won't let you down, Mr. President.
I can't wait any longer, Mr. President.
- Wake up, Vince.
- Uh.
Sorry about the mess, Patty.
Truman used to send a girl in on Tuesdays,
but you know how things are.
- It's not that bad.
- Sorry, did you say something?
- No.
- Okay.
(hands clap)
(computer beeping)
- What are you doing?
- I'm gonna find Midnight.
Got a battery of long
range sensing devices
hooked up to terminals
all over the country.
Ike gave them to me.
And when I plug myself in,
I can literally feel
what's going on from the
mountains to the prairies.
(button clicks)
No, she's still not on.
- The American Eagle Network.
Captain, I hate to tell you this
but that's not around anymore.
- Don't say it, Patty.
I don't want you to bury
any more dreams of mine
so just don't say it!
- I'm sorry, but I have to tell you
the truth about things that have changed.
- Things haven't changed,
Patty, people have changed.
People and the whole damn country.
It's lost something.
It's lost something vital,
like, like, like, like
honesty and pride, integrity,
and a sense of the future.
I tell you, when that happens
to a country,
country goes right into the gutter.
- [Patty] Well, you came back from there.
Well, you did.
- I'll tell you when this thing is over
I'm gonna sit in that chair
and just wait.
- Wait for what?
That radio to start working again?
- Why not?
See that?
That's Albert Einstein.
He was a close personal
friend of mine, Patty.
And he said to me once, he said.
(Captain Invincible speaking
in foreign language)
Which means that the universe, Patty,
and time it, it goes on, goes on forever
all the way through to eternity,
and, and folds in on
itself in a kind of vortex,
and then comes all the way back.
Well, fine, I'm just
gonna sit here and wait.
Just gonna sit up here in Ms. Liberty
and wait for 1950 to come around again.
And with it Jack Dempsey,
the Polo Grounds,
the NBC Blue Network,
Harry God Bless Him Truman,
and maybe when hell freezes over
some good old fashioned
pride in this country.
Okay, state of the union check.
I'm gonna start west and work my way east.
(machine humming)
(computer beeping)
(electricity crackling)
(electricity popping)
(machine whirring)
(metal creaks)
- You all right?
- Yeah.
- Did you find out where Midnight is?
- I think so.
(phone chiming)
- Janice, I said no calls.
Who?
Well, my God, yes.
Why didn't you tell me?
Put him on.
- Good morning, sir.
- Oh, Captain Invincible.
Well, it's great to hear your voice.
- Thank you very much.
Sir, I have information
about the hypno-ray.
- You do?
- Midnight's got it,
and I think I know where to find him.
- You do?
- Yeah.
- Captain, now you're sure
about this Mr. Midnight?
- Mr. Midnight, yes.
Right.
Good.
Terrific.
Thank you, sir.
(phone thuds)
He doesn't believe me.
I'm gonna get sold down the
river just like last time.
- He can't, he's your friend.
- Maybe and maybe not.
- I'm going to give him 24 hours.
- Come on, Patty, we've got work to do.
- A veritable feast of Thanksgiving
on this the eve of a glorious new order.
When the pure genetic Americans discover
what I have done to clean
up that rotting cesspool
that they call New York,
their gratitude to me will be boundless.
They will carry me
into the White House upon their shoulders.
And our plan will spread
throughout the entire land.
Gentlemen, I give you a
toast to Operation Ivory.
In 24 hours, New York will be 100% pure.
Alas, poor Schultz.
I knew him well, Julius.
(traffic humming)
(horn honking)
(group chattering)
- Recognize that sign?
They had one exactly like it
outside the vacuum repair shop.
- Coincidence?
- Where Midnight is concerned,
there is no coincidence.
(group chattering)
(silverware clanging)
Hello.
(silverware clanging)
(group chattering)
- That's right, Mrs.
Newsbloom, Israeli Acres.
But don't take my word for it,
check it out for yourself.
But hurry, I hear they're almost all sold.
- Yes, I will.
Thank you, thank you.
- Mention my name!
Can I help you?
- Yeah, I'd like a pastrami
and a corned beef, please.
- Right.
- Both on rye.
And uh, oh, anything else, honey?
- A pint of Cole slaw and
a half a pound of Nova.
- And some matjes herring,
and a little halva,
and some information about Mr. Midnight.
- Mister who?
- You heard me.
- Captain.
- Listen to me, buddy, I've
been in this shop 20 years,
I ain't never heard of Mr. Midnight,
or, or moonlight, or whatever.
- Yes?
Then why are you putting
mayonnaise on a corned beef sandwich?
- Be with you in a minute.
- Duck!
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
(group screaming)
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
You don't know Midnight, eh?
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
There's no need for the gun, Patty,
my powers are coming back.
I can feel 'em surging through my body.
I'll repel their bullets
with my magnetic ability.
Magnet on!
(magnet humming)
(knives clanging)
(knives whooshing)
(knives thudding)
Repel, attract, I'll get
it right in a minute.
(gun firing)
(glass shattering)
Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(machine whirring)
(blade boinging)
(gun firing)
(deli owner laughing)
(glass shattering)
(liquid splattering)
(suspenseful music)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(triumphant music)
(pie whooshing)
(pie thudding)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(pie thudding)
(food splattering)
(gun banging)
(pie whooshing)
(pie thudding)
(pies whooshing)
(gun firing)
(explosion booming)
(pie whooshing)
(pie splattering)
(pies whooshing)
(glass shattering)
(pies whooshing)
(pie splattering)
(pie splats)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(pie splattering)
(pie whooshes)
(explosion booming)
(fish boings)
(food splattering)
(gun clicks)
(letter whooshing)
- Oh, good God, this one's
been sliced to death.
- Not a very pleasant way to go, Patty.
- He's not old.
- Huh.
And he's not Jewish either.
(upbeat jazz music)
♪ Whatever happened to ♪
♪ The world that I once knew ♪
♪ They call this progress ♪
♪ It can't be true ♪
♪ What was wrong with a time ♪
♪ When a dime was a dime ♪
♪ Men wore a coat and tie ♪
♪ World leaders didn't have to lie ♪
♪ So if I have to fight ♪
♪ Then that's what I will do ♪
♪ I'll fight until I find ♪
♪ The world I knew ♪
(glass shattering)
♪ I'll fight until I find ♪
♪ The world I knew ♪
(Captain Invincible screaming)
(air whooshing)
- Attention, all operatives.
Attention.
Captain Invincible will be
within our grasp at any moment.
I want him totally destroyed.
To your battle stations.
(air whooshing)
(body thuds)
- Your cockamamie story
checks out, Patracia.
But we can't get that shaft open.
If it is a shaft.
- Uh, you gotta do something.
- Well, we're only human,
unlike your friend. (laughs)
Come on, you've got an
appointment at headquarters.
- I thought I was cleared.
- Oh, you are.
But if you wanna keep your badge,
you better file a report
that keeps my department
out of this entire fiasco.
- And what about Captain Invincible?
- He's on his own.
(glass shattering)
- Maybe he's not on his own.
(air whooshing)
(footsteps tapping)
(bat squeaking)
(suspenseful music)
(group yelling)
(gun firing)
(gun firing)
(metal clangs)
(explosion booming)
(group yelling)
(metal clanging)
(needle thuds)
(explosion booming)
(group yelling)
- Into the blue!
Shit, shit!
(group yelling)
(electricity crackling)
(group yelling)
(metal thuds)
(hands thud)
- No, no! (screaming)
(body thuds)
(wood thudding)
- Oh, Gustav.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
- Ah, just, just a moment, Gustav, please.
Now, would you mind repeating that
but a little more slowly.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
I see, so our gallant captain
has finally arrived. And then?
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
Into the deli, down the chute,
and into the garbage.
Very appropriate.
Go on.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
Unfortunate, but not entirely unexpected.
Thank you, Gustav.
You may go.
Oh, of course.
(Gustav speaking in foreign language)
(Mr. Midnight speaks in foreign language)
(metal thudding)
(explosion booming)
(group yelling)
- You didn't think I'd make, did you?
- Frankly, I didn't
think that you'd make it
into this century, my dear fellow.
You're a walking anachronism, Captain.
A paltry, puffed-up notion
of a day long passed.
An entity whose tickets to
oblivion is about to be punched.
(switch clicks)
(door clanging)
(snakes hissing)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(Captain Invincible screams)
(switch clicks)
(door clanging)
(alligator roaring)
(triumphant music)
(metal clanging)
(pit thudding)
- Well, that was really the pits.
- Congratulations, Captain.
It seems that some of your old skills
have not entirely deserted you.
- I don't need any compliments
from you, Midnight.
I want the hypno-ray and I want it now.
- Same old dreary demands.
Self-righteous, messianic, moralistic,
and increasingly tedious.
- Fine talk from a sociopath
paranoid schizophrenic
with delusions of grandeur.
- Thank you.
- You'll never change.
- And you will never win.
(fingers snap)
(lid whooshing)
Now let's see, during our long association
you have, uh, changed brands
quite a few times haven't you?
To begin with, it was retsina,
as I recall
with just a little dash of hemlock.
And then your long flirtation with cognac,
during which you did
rather overdo with Napoleon.
And most recently, a fine Kentucky bourbon.
(upbeat music)
♪ Mai Tai say that I'm old-fashioned ♪
♪ Tres vin ordinaire ♪
♪ That I want a fresh Manhattan ♪
♪ With white Anglo-Saxons everywhere ♪
♪ A black Russians ♪
♪ No pink lady ♪
♪ Give her the Singapore sling ♪
(glass shattering)
♪ And Moscow mule is not your baby ♪
♪ So highball the vodka
and name your sting ♪
♪ Be a big shot, with a bull shot ♪
♪ Be a Schwein Mit der Wein ♪
♪ Have a short, or a port,
or a snort, of any sort ♪
♪ Asti Spumante, Uno Chianti ♪
♪ Are divine ♪
♪ I got some economic hocks ♪
♪ A gin and tonic on the rocks ♪
♪ Where angels fear to tread, I say ♪
♪ Choose your booze ♪
♪ Let's hit the red-eye ♪
♪ Think of young Deanna Durbin ♪
♪ And how she sung on rum and bourbon ♪
♪ Or enhance your luncheon hour ♪
♪ With a Planter's punch
and a whiskey sour ♪
♪ If you feel like a
wreck try a horse's neck ♪
♪ Or a sherry with a cherry
in the new fun size ♪
♪ If you don't name your poison ♪
♪ I'll have to get the boys in ♪
♪ The spirit of adventure
opens one's eyes ♪
♪ If you don't name your poison ♪
♪ I'll have to get the boys in ♪
♪ And you'll never see
another tequila sunrise ♪
♪ Live happily ever after ♪
♪ With a Chablis and some laughter ♪
♪ Between the sheets is lovely ♪
♪ With a ditzy blonde
and a popular bubbly ♪
♪ There's nothing sicker in society ♪
♪ Than a lack of liquor and sobriety ♪
♪ So, down the hatch ♪
♪ Here's mud in your eye ♪
♪ Take a bracer with a chaser ♪
♪ Wash it down with rye ♪
♪ Bottoms up ♪
♪ Stir a cup ♪
♪ It'll put you in the pink ♪
♪ And all you have to do is ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink ♪
♪ Drink ♪
(computer beeping)
- [Captain Invincible] By
plugging myself into them,
I can literally feel what's
going on in this land of ours,
from the mountains to the prairies.
- And now.
(speaking in French)
(Captain Invincible grunts)
(lid thudding)
- This is the American Eagle Network
broadcasting one last time.
For all of you out there who still believe
in fairies, heroes, second
chances, love, and trust.
Captain, they're playing your song.
(upbeat music)
♪ God bless America ♪
♪ Land that I love ♪
- She's on.
♪ Beside her ♪
She's finally on.
♪ And guide her ♪
♪ Through the night with
the light from above ♪
♪ From the mountains to the prairies ♪
♪ To the oceans white with foam ♪
♪ God bless America, my home sweet home ♪
♪ God bless America ♪
♪ Land that I love ♪
♪ Stand beside her ♪
♪ And guide her ♪
♪ Through the night with
the light from above ♪
♪ From the mountains to the prairies ♪
♪ To the oceans ♪
(explosion booming)
(glass shattering)
(glass shattering)
Here I am again.
What's on the program now?
A little water polo?
- What's on is 30 years of
research and development
controlled by that computer over there.
- [Computer] Hello, Captain.
Pardon me for a moment, I have
some business to attend to.
Attention, submarine fleet.
Assume attack formation
and prepare to fire.
Midnight One, your targets
are Polish Palms and Israeli Acres.
Midnight Two, you take out Sicily Heights
and San Juan Sands.
What you will shortly see
in that terrarium miniature,
you will also shortly see in reality.
- [Computer] Commence
attack, and have a nice day.
(alarm beeping)
(water splashing)
(alarm beeping)
(water splashing)
(hands whooshing)
(missile crackling)
(missile popping)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
(missile whistling)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
(ground rumbling)
(glass shattering)
(man yelling)
(woman screaming)
(group screaming)
(missile whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(explosions booming)
(Mr. Midnight yelling)
(computer beeping)
(ground rumbling)
(group screaming)
- I've sent back the repellent, repulsive,
genetically inferior,
racially impure monstrosities,
back to the very just fate
that has awaited them all
since the very dawn of man!
Congratulations, Midnight,
you really are a genius.
(computer beeping)
(hands whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(water whirling)
You fumbled a big one
on the one yard line.
Today New York, tomorrow the world!
- Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(suspenseful music)
(electricity crackling)
(Captain Invincible grunting)
(explosions booming)
(fire whistling)
Into the blue!
(triumphant music)
(missile whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(water splashing)
(missile whooshing)
(explosion booming)
(group screaming)
Magnet on!
(explosion booming)
(water splashing)
(alarm wailing)
(explosion booming)
- Michael Lang with a special news break.
Moments ago, sections
of the New York State
coastline broke away.
The ethnic populations trapped
on the floating sections
were rescued by--
- Into the blue!
Captain Invincible from a
submarine attack masterminded
by arch criminal Mr. Midnight.
Although this has not been confirmed.
(air blowing)
Invincible vanished decades ago,
and his astonishing reappearance
stunned millions of New Yorkers.
Stayed tuned for further
developments, film at 11.
- Patty, that was one terrific broadcast.
- Nothing to it.
Vince, all I had to do was
get on your wavelength.
- Well, you're on it.
- We knew you'd come through for us.
And don't be a stranger now.
Let's have lunch together sometime.
- Right, right, we'll keep in touch.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
(President chuckles)
(camera clicking)
(triumphant music)
(group chattering)
(group cheering)
(group clapping)
I'm not a public speaker,
or an expert, or anything,
but there's something
that I'd like to say.
We've been through a great deal together.
Now it isn't all your
fault but some of it was.
That's because a lot of us, including me,
have been thinking we're
all alone in the world,
alone or part of some
helpless little group.
And that what's makes us
such easy marks for the bad guys.
But together we're not
alone, we're not helpless.
Together we're part of the
roughest, toughest, biggest,
kindest, fairest, best damn
gang in the whole world.
Okay, Americans, this
time let's do it right.
(triumphant music)
(fireworks booming)
♪ Who is the one true friend of America ♪
♪ Friend of her people
from farmer to senator ♪
♪ Keeping America safe from the predator ♪
♪ So that the weak and the
meek shall inherit her ♪
♪ Who in the fight for our
rights always wins them all ♪
♪ Wielding justice from above ♪
♪ Who stands for me and
for you and for principle ♪
♪ Captain Invincible, that's who ♪
(upbeat music)
♪ A wop bop pow ♪
♪ And all right ♪
♪ You put up a light ♪
♪ And put out the lights ♪
♪ Wham bam splat ♪
♪ And you K.O. ♪
♪ You're what America's
dreams are made of ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I've been sapped ♪
♪ Till I'm insensible ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ In Captain Invincible ♪
♪ A wop bop pow ♪
♪ And all right ♪
♪ Put up a light ♪
♪ And put out the lights ♪
♪ Wham bam splat ♪
♪ And you K.O. ♪
♪ You're what America's
dreams are made of ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I've been sapped ♪
♪ Till I'm insensible ♪
♪ I'm trapped ♪
♪ I'm wrapped ♪
♪ In Captain Invincible ♪
♪ Invincible, Invincible ♪
♪ Invincible, Invincible ♪
(slow tempo dramatic music)