The Restaurant (2016) - full transcript

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Hi, welcome to Scoppa.

I'm the manager, Andy.

Please.

Please.

Andy, where the
fuck is Richard?

That's Cassie, she's
our most popular server.

This is our fastest busboy,

Jeremy.

He can turn a table
in 10 seconds flat.

Moving right along.



This is our full bar.

People come from all
over the Five Boroughs

to sample the work of
our master mixologist.

And this is where
the magic happens.

Where the fuck is my Cardi?!

Who wants to see the
sausage being made?

In three years time,

we will be the top Italian
restaurant in New York.

Now I know what you're thinking.

There's already a gazillion
Italian places here.

But with a lot of
heart, a creative menu

and the best goddamn service
in the Five Boroughs,

we can do this.

All we need is a little luck



and I'm working on that.

Well,

this is awkward.

It's over.

This can't be unseen.

Please, please.

I have money, I have a family.

No you don't.

This is New York.

Nothing personal.

Hey, Jer.

Look.

Oh man.

You can bounce a
pickle off that ass.

If I were an ass,
I'd wanna be that one.

Gentlemen.

I need you to act like
you're doing something.

I am doing something, Andy.

It's important.

Jeremy,

you have a new trainee.

Karen, get over here, girl.

Karen, this is Jeremy.

Hi.

Hello.

That manager's
kind of adorable.

Oh, well don't
worry, that won't last.

Give it a once over with the rag

and then you put the
plate settings down.

Knives on the right,

forks on the left.

I try to roll a bunch of them
beforehand in the morning

if I know it's gonna be busy,

that was I can just
thrown them down quickly.

You got it down to a science.

I like to think
I got a system...

A system
for everything?

I can tell.

Yeah?

This guy.

What?

Is awesome.

Two fingers!

Two fingers!

He means the water level
should be two fingers

from the top of the glass.

That's good.

Hey, guys.

Party at Cassie's
tonight after close.

Got it.

You too.

You know you have
to come, right?

Sure.

Oh no.

Thanks.

First date alert.

What does that mean?

Well, best case scenario,
they'll leave in 40 minutes.

We can help with that.

Welcome to Scoppa, your
server's name is Arthur,

he's gonna be right
with you guys.

Oh.

Jeremy,

do you mind staying
tonight with Arthur?

Sure.

Thanks.

Karen, you're cut.

See you tomorrow, okay?

You still coming out later?

Just get out of here.

Hi, how we doing today?

My name is Arthur,
I'll be your server.

Is this your first
time at Scoppa?

We actually have some
fantastic specials.

We have a grilled
Spanish octopus

served with a squid ink puree.

I'm sorry,

we're just gonna have
coffee and dessert, I think.

Right.

Excellent, I'll
get some menus.

Would you bang her?

Yeah, I guess.

You have such high standards.

What does that have
to do with anything?

Would you bang Karen?

Well, if I wasn't here
with you, testicle breath,

I'd be at the party trying
to find that out right now.

Can we get two
more cups of coffee?

Thank you.

That's coffee number three.

Arthur, I'll get it.

Thanks.

And that's why I
don't read fiction.

That's interesting.

Will you excuse me?

Do you hear that?

Hmmm?

What did you
put in his coffee?

He asked for creamer.

Ma'am, I'm afraid your
friend isn't feeling well.

Is he all right?

He'll be fine.

He told me he had a questionable
tuna sandwich for lunch.

I promise it was
nothing you ate here.

Oh, well.

Tell him I said thanks.

Help!

It's okay.

I'm not gonna hurt you.

Just go stand over
there, it's cool.

I'm not gonna
stand over there.

Hey!

I can't help you if you
don't do what I say, okay?

You are in great danger.

And the only way out is
through that door, back there.

What fucking door?

It's behind you, right
back there, there's a door.

I swear.

You promise
not to stab me if I go?

I promise.

You are fucking nuts, man!

Nuts!

You just wait until I see
my fucking Yelp review!

Jeremy!

Jeremy, wait!

Jeremy!

Wait!

Listen!

Just listen!

Shit!

What the fuck was that?!

Look,

let's unpack this.

I sacrificed that
man to an entity.

An entity?

- May I finish?
- Okay.

Jeremy, may I
finish my thought

without you interrupting me?

Thank you.

Okay, where was I?

I made a deal.

Uh huh.

That thing in the
basement, Exses,

he's like an old god

or demon, vampire,
whatever, listen anyway,

900 years ago

he was defeated and
banished from our world.

So,

I made a deal.

If you make Scoppa

the number one Italian
restaurant in New York,

I would feed him and
restore him back to life.

What the fuck?!

You can't go around
killing people.

Why not?

Our customers have lives.

They've got jobs and kids,

- pets and shit.
- What?!

We have lives!

That guy walked in here
one minute before close

and then he ordered
three coffees.

Three coffees!

30 minutes ago and you would've
wanted to kill him too!

Do you know how many times,

how many times someone
has come looking

for someone that
I've sacrificed?

Not once.

I have killed a lot of people.

How many?

- 90?
- Oh my God!

Listen!

You're not seeing the
big picture here, Jer.

He draws people to Scoppa

and then I feed him
the shitty ones.

The more people we kill

the stronger he gets.

The stronger that he gets,
the more guests we have.

The more guests we have,
the more money we make.

Jeremy,

the more people, the more
shitty people, that we kill,

the more money we make!

And what about when
he's done feeding

and he doesn't need you anymore?

I don't know.

Maybe he'll run for Senate.

I don't give a shit!

This is for Scoppa, Jeremy.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, well guess what.

Fuck this shit, I quit.

You can't quit.

Since when?

You,

you know about Exses.

And knowing Exses,

pretty sure that
he knows you know.

I can't protect you

unless you work for me.

No, you said some shit
like that to the guy

you just turned into a
fucking human water balloon.

Exses promised me that he
will not harm the wait staff.

Work with me, you're safe.

You quit,

I don't know what's
gonna happen to you.

Goodnight, buddy.

See you on the floor tomorrow.

So I bring this guy
his lemon and he says,

"Did you touch that
with your hands?"

And I'm like, "No, I picked
it up with my labia."

Moron.

So I had these
Europeans today.

300 dollar tab and they
leave me a Sacagawea dollar.

So what did you do?

I took my boxers...

Dude, we need to talk.

No.

You need to hit this.

No, dude,

seriously, there's stuff that
needs to be discussed now.

Bye.

Is Karen here?

Hey.

You work in the kitchen.

I do.

You're American?

Yeah, no shit.

Andy doesn't need to know that.

Look, I was desperate,

so I apply for jobs
all over the city

but nobody would higher me.

Says here that you
were a busboy in college.

Yeah, for four years.

Four years ago.

No.

I did it for four years.

Well, yeah, but that
was four years ago.

A lot has changed in the
restaurant industry in four years.

Like what?

What happened
with your last job?

Well, the company
doesn't exist anymore.

And that was

six months ago.

A friend of mine got a job
for me over in the kitchen.

If you see me on the floor,
I don't speak English.

Okay.

If they knew I was American,

I would be out on the streets.

Wow, that sucks.

Yeah.

Hello?

Hello!

Thank you for calling
Scoppa Italian Restaurant,

this is Corey speaking.

Hold on one moment, please.

It's for you.

So I go outside

and the guy's there.

The guy who came in right
before close, right?

But he's all messed up.

Christ.

So he's all messed up.

And Andy's there and...

this thing...

eats the guy.

Like Andy fed the
guy to the thing.

Hey, stranger.

Oh, shit, when
did you get here?

Just a minute ago.

How much did you hear?

Don't stop now, dude, or
you'll never finish the story.

Okay.

There's a demon

in the basement

named Exses.

I think I dated a
girl who had that once.

I wore protection, of course.

Andy is sacrificing
guests to Exses.

You don't believe me.

I wasn't listening.

I'm fucked.

That's it, I'm fucked.

Oh my God, I'm paranoid.

Dude, you need some air.

Karen, let's take him outside.

Uh uh.

I feel stuck, you know?

Like,

this job was supposed
to be a temporary gig.

My apartment was supposed
to be just for starting out

until I grew into
something better

but I'm still there

and now I'm suck at
this horrible job

with a manager from hell.

Stuck?

Jeremy, you're not the only one

with a bachelor's
degree, you know?

Let me guess,
English major, right?

I'm serious.

This isn't my dream
but it's honest work.

My brother was
unemployed for two years

and I saw what it did to him

and I'm just happy to be here.

If you hate it so much,
why don't you leave?

I can't quit, they'll kill me.

What are you talking about?

You know,

Exses.

You weren't just
making that up?

No.

Okay, you know
what, I'd show you

but I don't want
you to get involved.

You should just
leave while you can.

It's not even safe
for you there.

- Jeremy.
- Yeah, I know, I know.

I sound crazy.

Sorry.

Whoa, Top Gun.

You're flying a little too high.

Do you wanna go back inside?

Nope.

I'm gonna call it a night.

See you tomorrow, Jeremy.

Hi.

Hey, Andy.

Hey, Jeremy.

I hope you're well.

What's up?

I need your help
with something.

This is so helpful, Jeremy.

I value you, man.

I just want you to know
how much I appreciate you.

Do you need me here for this?

Hey,

no obligation, buddy.

I'm just trying to
spend quality time with,

and I mean this, Jeremy,

one of the most valuable
members of my team.

If you don't wanna hang out,

I can drop you off.

Do you have somewhere
you need to go?

No, no, no, I'm fine.

All right.

Do you wanna stop and get
some coffee or something?

- No.
- No.

We might switch
to black napkins.

What do you think?

What's that?

What do you think?

Oh, yeah.

They're fine, they're both fine.

Put yourself
in my shoe, Jer.

Okay.

We work in a ruthless industry

where people are
constantly judging us

on the smallest detail.

White is

friendly,

bright.

Black is

classy.

Different.

What kind of a business
do we wanna be?

One that doesn't
murder our customers?

They're guests, Jer,

not customers.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna go
with the white napkins.

I'm very happy for you.

Have you told anybody
about the basement?

No.

I don't care.

You can tell the
staff, Richard knows.

They're in on it?

I said Richard knows.

Jesus, Jeremy,

you make this sound like it's
some kind of a conspiracy.

Well, you know,

Andy, it is a conspiracy.

Is that weed I smell?

Um.

I don't know.

What does weed smell like?

I've never smelled it before.

Hey, look, you can
smoke, I don't judge, okay?

We've all got skeletons
in our closet.

Hey.

Food inspector's here.

Where?

Dude eating alone, he's
come to my old restaurant.

Okay?

I'm getting this
place shut down.

Dude, I need your help.

No, seriously!

Table 23, table 23, need
a cockroach right now.

There's no cockroaches here.

It's New York City, there's
cockroaches everywhere.

Not here.

This is the cleanest
place I've ever been in.

Okay, go outside in the
alleyway and get me a cockroach.

Please.

I'll owe you huge.

Hey!

What's this chode
doing in my kitchen?!

Please.

Yah!

Jeremy, where were you?

We had three tables get up
that needed to be bused.

Hustle, hustle.

What was that?

You'll see.

Excuse me, are you the owner?

Yes.

Hi, I'm Andy.

Pleased to meet you.

How's the cannoli?

You tell me.

That's impossible.

We never have bugs at Scoppa.

City Health Inspector.

I'm going to have to see
everything right now.

Yes, okay.

Follow me.

Make sure your
stations are clean.

It worked.

So we're all gonna
lose our jobs now?

This is bigger than
all of us, Karen.

Hey, hey, the public's
not allowed in the kitchen!

It's the Health Inspector.

Where are the desserts made?

Right over here, this guy.

What's his name?

El Guano.

El Guano.

Do you know
anything about this?

I don't know if he
even speaks any English.

He doesn't speak any
English, dick brain!

Can't you see that?

No.

Hey, what's up, Richard?

Oh, I was just
doing my side work.

What're you doing?

I'm just checking...

No, why are you
fucking everything up?

Everything is
already fucked up.

I'm trying to get it un-fucked.

Kitchen is clean.

Must be some kind of prank.

Whoever is responsible
will be disciplined,

I assure you, Mr. Grady.

Hey, I'm Jeremy.

Nice to meet you.

What's going on, guys?

Nothing you need to
worry about, Jeremy.

Are their bugs in the
basement again, Andy?

Basement?

That's where the food
is stored, Mr. Grady.

I'd be happy to show you.

Sure.

Jeremy,

why don't you join us

and show me where you
think you saw a bug.

As you can see, it's
rather mundane down here.

This doesn't make any sense.

I beg your pardon?

Nevermind.

Nothing, it was nothing.

You satisfied?

I'll be back in a few weeks
to make another assessment.

Well?

Over here.

Jeremy.

Who's there?

Who's there?

Is that my CT Crunch?

Rent's due.

Guys,

Joey Dean is coming
to Scoppa tonight.

I need all of you to be

the very best versions
of you this evening.

Even if you're not serving
Joey Dean, he'll see you.

He'll feel your vibrations.

No negative vibes!

I want you to picture something.

You know that moment

when you and your lover
are getting it on?

Suddenly your cat comes
and stands next to the bed

and it starts watching you

and your lover can't
see but you can see

and the cat's looking
you in the eyes

and you're looking at that cat

and you're thrusting
and suddenly there's

this strange cosmic
moment of awkwardness.

Now, you can't stop because
your lover's about to come

and you don't wanna
spoil that for them,

so you keep fucking!

In fact,

you give your lover the best
damn fuck of their life!

Joey Dean

is your lover.

I

am the cat.

I'll be watching you.

Let's give him

the best dinner of his life.

That was literally the worst
analogy I have ever heard.

See you on the
floor, my darlings.

And don't forget, smile.

Smile.

Hey, Andy?

Andy?

Have you ever seen Exses?

Of course.

I've been told that he was
quite a looker in his day.

These days, he's a
little worse for wear.

No, I mean,

as he ever visited
you outside of Scoppa?

Jeremy,

Exses doesn't do
things like that.

He does now, he came to
my apartment last night.

Hmmm.

I'll talk to him.

Have you guys been to the
Indian fusion place yet?

Yeah but it was so overrated.

Their cocktails
weren't that creative

and they didn't even
have vegan options.

Oh God, what is
this, like the 1950s?

Right?

I'm like, "Aren't Indians
vegetarian anyway?"

I guess that's where
the fusion comes in.

Lame.

Oh my God!

That's Joey Dean!

Oh my God, that's Joey Dean!

Oh my God!

Oh my God! Oh my God!

We gotta stop, we gotta go!

We have to talk to him.

All right, ready, ladies?

Put 'em up.

Good?

Ready?

Come on, come on, just go out.

Hi, sir?

Are you Joey Dean?

That's me.

- Oh my God!
- I love your show!

You have no idea!

Oh, I think I do.

Are you reviewing
Scoppa tonight?

Yes.

We're eating here too.

Nice.

We're actually food bloggers.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Well, Mr. Dean,
have you decided?

Perfect.

And for you, sir?

I'll have the lasagna

but can I start
with your number?

I'll get that lasagna
right in for you.

Is there anything
else I can do for you?

No, thank you.

Thank you.

She'll be back.

Ladies,

it's been way, way too
long since I've been laid.

How about that
food photographer?

He was checking you out.

Ew.

I think he's a virgin.

No, I bet he's got a
big dick and nobody knows.

No, he's like that fish that
everybody thought was extinct

but it turns out he's
been here this whole time.

Or he could have a micro
penis like the last guy I dated.

Worst night of my life.

How small was it again?

Oh.

Ugh, shit, come on.

Look, sweetie, my
hands are full.

You wanna take care
of that for me?

Karen, you're
needed in the kitchen.

We are so sorry.

That was completely our fault.

If there's anything
at all that you need,

I'm Andy, the manager,

and I'm here for you.

Sit down, Dimitri,
stay awhile.

Love the lighting here.

Good because the food's shit.

How does this place
have so many great reviews?

I mean, it's whatever,
it's nothing special.

Are you kidding me?

This is like the best
tortellini I've ever had.

And the server is fucking hot.

He looks
like a serial killer.

Oh, I bet he fucks hard.

Hi, ladies, you mentioned
being food bloggers.

You know, I could take a picture

for your website if you
want, free of charge.

Oooh,
what's the catch?

Well, I'd have to get your
email to send you the file.

Crafty.

Tell you what, camera man,

why don't you just say
what's really on your mind?

Sure.

I would fuck all of you.

Yeah, I overheard you earlier

and my cock is seven
and a quarter inches.

If I had to just fuck one
of you, it would be you,

because I like your tits,
whatever your name is.

Hey, are you really
a food blogger

or is that just like
a hobby or something?

It's Janice

and here's my card.

Evening.

Hey, can I get
a whiskey, neat?

Sure, coming right up.

You just start drinking, boy?

No.

Can I take a picture of you?

Dimitri.

Have you gone completely
off the reservation?

Look at this.

Catch up with you later, kid.

I love it when they
make it this easy.

Thank you for joining us, sir.

Of course.

And if you see my photographer,

put him in a cab home, will you?

Photographer?

Psst.

Smile.

Okay.

Because you've been
such good guests,

I wanted to share
with you something new

we're trying here at Scoppa.

We're building a
garden out back.

Ever been to a speakeasy?

Oh my gosh, yes!

Do we need a password?

No, not yet.

We're working on some
special cocktails

and thought you might
wanna come see the space,

meet the bartender.

I don't know, guys,
I have to wake up

early in the morning tomorrow.

I understand, I was
10 years old once.

Oh my God, Jenny,
don't be so lame.

Yeah, it sounds cool.

I'm in.

Excellent.

I'll be waiting over by the
door whenever you're ready.

The restrooms are right over.

It's okay.

Can I help you, Karen?

Why is everybody...

Karen, table 31 needs
to be turned over, please.

Look, there are guests
waiting to be seated already.

Did you see that
food photographer?

You mean the
really creepy guy?

Yeah, did he leave?

I don't know.

Max?

Yes, sir?

Are you in on it?

Nope.

You're in on it.

Listen, big guy.

I'm just like you, okay?

I know about it but
I'm not apart of it.

But they're killing people...

Shut your mouth, all right?!

Fuck these people, okay?

They are food tourists.

That's like the worst
kind of tourism there is.

They don't have lives.

I'll tell you what,

this is the best bartending
gig I've ever had.

I don't do shit.

This sounds so cool.

Which way is the garden?

Garden?

- What garden?
- What is this?

Let's go.

That's not happening!

You can't take us all at
the same time with that thing.

That's true

but I will go for your faces.

And I have to tell you,

I'm an artist with this thing.

Who's first?

Now you're all gonna sit
down next to this door,

tie your hands and wait
further instructions!

Failure to comply will result
in me landscaping your face.

Nobody wants that, right?

Get to it!

No!

So I had this dream, right?

This guy passes me
a joint and he says,

"Keep it, man.

"This joint give you the sight."

So I took a hit.

I'm walking around the big
apple, smoking this doobie.

Every hit I take,

I go deeper and deeper

down the rabbit hole.

I see this town for
what it really is.

New York is dead.

It's literally a
tiny pocket of Hell

that grew into our world over
hundreds of years like a weed!

I could just pass someone and
know everything about her.

I pass this girl.

This girl likes bad boys.

Every guy she dates beats
her up and cheats on her!

And she's crying by herself,
asking the universe,

"Why do people
treat me like this?"

And you know what?

It's because she wants it!

You feel sorry for her?

Don't.

She can leave New York
anytime she wants.

Then there was this guy.

Smart kid.

He comes to New York

and takes the shittiest
entry level jobs

then gets washed out.

He's been so poor for so long

that's become his identity.

Whenever he looks in the
mirror he sees a loser.

So that's what
everyone else sees.

And then I found Exses.

Exses is the only person
in this city who's real.

Exses is here, in this room.

Can you smell him?

Can you feel his weight?

Exses is here to
clean up the trash.

Me,

I'm just a cog in the machine.

I'm kidding.

It wasn't in a dream.

But the story flows
better when I say that.

Easy.

Just relax.

Shit!

That's a good girl.

Off you go.

Let's see what's
behind door number two!

No, wait!

Janice, hold my purse.

It's Louis Vuitton, I can't.

Please don't make
it hurt too much.

Richard.

Did you guys hear that?

So, when I said
rotate the tables,

was I not clear enough?

Andy!

What?

He's found the one.

Who is it?

Are they here?

Good evening, sir,
welcome to Scoppa.

Do you have a reservation?

No.

That's no problem.

How many in your party?

Just me.

Excellent.

Right this way, sir,
we'll find you a table.

I'm Andy, the manager.

If you need anything
at all, just grab me.

How did you hear about us?

From an old army buddy.

Hey, handsome, I'm Cassie,

I'll be taking
care of you today.

Have you had a chance
to look at the menu?

Do you have any
questions or anything?

Yeah.

What do you do for a living?

Are you a politician
or something?

I work in finance.

Oh, I hear
you were in the army.

Yup.

I bet you have some
really interesting stories.

Yeah.

Do you
wanna tell me one?

No.

Oh my God.

Are you guys okay?

Well, we just found out how
much blood is in a human body.

It was Richard.

He brought us down here
and started feeding us

to that thing in the shadows.

- I know.
- We have to go to the police.

We can't, there's no point.

They would never believe us.

Right.

Come on.

Hey, guys.

Jeremy.

Wanna hang out here for awhile?

Go get a mop and clean
that up, will you?

It's disgusting.

It's okay.

I will text Corey

and he'll come down
and get us out.

Yeah.

And here's your meal.

What do you think?

It's very...

Colorful.

Take your time.

Corey, have you seen Jeremy?

He's probably
dropping a deuce.

Great.

Oh, shit.

Going home, Andy.

Karen, we're all
set, you can go.

Have you seen Jeremy?

Girl, he left
like 15 minutes ago.

Where have you been?

We're closed, go home.

Hey, here you go.

Great work tonight, you're cut.

Okay?

Thank you.

I need you to rotate
the tables tomorrow.

- Okay, I will.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Have a good one.

Rotate the tables.

Yes?

Hey, Caitlin, I know
this isn't your fault

but the service
seems really slow.

Is there a problem or?

I don't know what's
going on, I'm so sorry.

I'm gonna go check for you.

- Knife.
- Andy?

Knife.

Is this the
tiramisu for table 13?

What, this?

Huh, oh my God, I am so sorry.

It's okay.

He's just been waiting
over 20 minutes

and the restaurant's empty now.

Will somebody
bring it out there?

You know what,
don't worry about it.

I'll get it.

I'll take it to him

and I'll leave the tip
in an envelop for you.

Okay.

And don't worry,

I'll explain that is
was entirely my fault.

Go, rest.

You worked so hard today.

Sure.

Thanks, Andy.

Thank you, Cassie.

Goodnight, guys.

Do you want fare
for a cab ride home?

I live two blocks
away, it's fine, Andy.

You want me to call Uber?

No, thank you.

I am so sorry, sir.

My manager, Andy, is gonna
bring out your dessert

and close out your tab for you.

It was really nice
meeting you, um?

Michael.

Michael.

Have a great night and I hope
to see you again really soon.

Thanks.

Goodnight.

So sorry about that, sir.

Because you've been so patient,

please accept tonight's
mean at half price.

Well, thank you,
that's too kind.

No, you're too kind.

You've been so patient tonight.

Hi.

How's that tasting?

Go fuck yourself.

At least give me
a challenge, man.

Then fight with
your goddamn hands.

That's enough!

How was the tiramisu?

Didn't agree with me so much.

Maybe it's the gluten.

Our restaurant offers
gluten free options now.

It's pretty much a
requirement these days.

That stuff is pure poison.

Now, Richard, you can't have
Italian food without wheat.

It's tradition.

They say
that gluten protein

permeates your intestines and
goes into your blood stream.

It's all downhill from there.

Really?

Are we gonna talk
about the vampire

or are we all just
discussing our diets?

Do you know why
you're here, Michael?

Because I got my ass kicked?

You are a rare
specimen, Michael.

You have a strong spirit
and a powerful body.

You have resources
and intelligence,

and yet, if you
disappeared tonight,

no one would even notice.

Thanks?

I am willing to
bargain for your life.

I need a new body, Michael.

You should've seen this
one when it was new.

I was considered quite handsome.

Women once traveled
hundreds of miles

to drink my seed.

Infants were eaten alive
with a snap of my fingers.

I was adored.

You know, women in some
parts of Brooklyn might...

In exchange
for your body,

I will give you one year.

One year of what, Exses?

One year of living
beyond your wildest dreams.

You will have access
to my magical powers,

which are considerable.

You'll have a freedom that
no mortal has ever had.

You will see the very
fabric of reality itself

and learn the secrets
of the universe.

- You...
- No.

I am not finished.

I am.

If you say no,

I will simply take
your body by force.

You won't get one year.

You won't even get one week.

Michael,

I would take this
deal if I were you.

Yeah, well you're not me.

I said no.

You can all suck my dick.

You have 24 hours.

What're you doing here?

Last night.

Do you remember?

I thought I had a dream.

That wasn't a dream.

You got a mirror?

Why?

Stop asking bitch questions.

Here.

Look at me in that.

Holy shit!

I have until midnight, Jeremy.

What're you gonna do?

I'm gonna kill Richard.

Dude, you can't
just kill somebody.

Actually, yes, yes you can.

Well you can't kill
Exses with that thing.

I'm working on it.

Let's go.

When Exses marked me,

I think I got some of those
powers he was talking about.

I see things, I know things.

Like what things?

You got acting
experience, right?

Who am I kidding?

You work in a restaurant.

This is so humiliating.

That's the point.

I saw this in a movie once.

You're the kid from Scoppa.

Yes, sir.

And.

Did you plant that
cockroach in my cannoli?

I did

and I'm here to apologize,

Mr. Grady, sir.

On behalf of Scoppa, here's
a formal letter of apology.

That's not necessary.

Yes it is.

And we hope you find
it in your heart

to read that letter

and forgive us
for what happened.

Goodbye.

Here's the deal,

Exses is from another reality.

A darker one.

In order to play in our
world, he has to feed a lot.

Whenever he uses his
power to influence things,

it drains his energy.

So we're gonna force him to
blow his whole wad tonight,

just before midnight,

so that when midnight strikes,

he doesn't have enough
power to finish his plan.

How do we make him do that?

He uses some of his power
to make Scoppa popular, right?

To make people that the
food is actually good.

Dude, the food
there is awesome.

Have you listened to
anything he just said?

Look, I need you to
promise me that tonight

you're gonna give Scoppa's
customers the worst service

they've ever had.

Spit in their drinks,

rub your dick in their
lasagna, whatever it takes.

- I can't.
- Huh?

I can't lose my job.

If we do this, they're
gonna close Scoppa.

Yeah.

What the fuck, dude?

I mean, look at yourself.

Have you ever been
broke in your life?

Did you ever worry
about making rent?

You're right.

No, don't listen to them.

I misread you guys.

Oh my God, guys,
that was horrible.

I'm sorry, guys,
I fucked that up.

It's just,

I'm broke.

Have they hooked up yet?

Ow!

Ow!

Hey.

I'm so sorry, Jeremy.

I know what this meant to you.

I know something
awful's going on.

Listen, if this
costs you your job,

it's not our call to make.

No.

I can't keep working their
if it's true, you know?

We're going with
Michael's plan.

What if it doesn't work?

What if he dies and
it's all for nothing?

Well, it's not all for nothin

I mean, this is what
we've always wanted,

to make Andy's head explode?

To get back at all those
assholes that dine as Scoppa?

Word.

We hold on to this
retarded job like it's gold

because we're too chicken
shit to think we can better.

Yeah.

Tonight, we give them hell.

Hey.

Hey!

We're still alive.

Yeah.

Well we can't just sit
here and wait to be killed.

What's up with that mirror?

It does seem a
little out of place.

Seriously, you guys,

there's one right
upstairs just like it.

They probably keep extras
in case one breaks.

Wait.

Your memory card.

What?

It's the only evidence we
have that any of this happened.

You have to hide it.

Put it up your ass.

That's the best you got?

Put it up your
ass, food blogger.

What is that supposed to mean?

Food bloggers are
not real people.

Nobody gives a shit

what a bunch of white
girls from Missouri

think about the
food in New York.

You are such an ass.

Can you guys shut up?

- Food blogger.
- Micro penis.

You'll never know.

Michael.

I don't have much time.

I'm reaching out to
you from the future.

Exses has switched
bodies with you.

I'm in his world now.

Listen to me.

Whatever happens to us, to you,

this is worse than death.

You can't let this
happen, Michael.

I repeat, this is
worse than death.

Hey.

What's going on, Goldie Hawn?

My name's Corey, I'm gonna
be your server this evening.

Our specials are...

Excuse me, could I
please have some water?

I've been driving
for eight hours

and I would just
like some water.

Yeah, man, for sure.

Thank you.

You know, if the food
here's gonna be this messy,

they oughta give
you more napkins.

Oh.

Did you need more napkins?

Here, have some.

Would you like a
bottle of wine to start?

We don't drink.

Awesome, awesome.

And I think you dropped this.

Or do you just expect
everyone to pick up after you?

Well that is
your job, isn't it?

Can I get a dessert menu?

Our carne special is
a sausage-type thing,

it's kinda shaped like a dick.

Wait, hold on,
sorry, one second.

Sorry, man, gotta go.

Booty call.

That's what tits look like.

Why is all this
shit so expensive?

Well, this is an upscale
Italian restaurant.

Actually, the menu was
posted outside on the door.

You could've read it
before you came in.

See, the menu is a list of
everything you can order.

If you read, you can see
there's no budget section.

We do have fettuccine
alfredo, which is popular.

Not too expensive.

Can we share that?

Oh, let's do that.

Really?

Yeah, you can share it.

Arthur, we don't use
language like that here.

We don't say "yeah,"

we say, "absolutely."

Absolutely, sir.

Jeremy?

Yes, Andy?

What's going on?

What do you mean, Andy?

You guys are being assholes.

Huh.

Well then I guess we'll
have to try harder, Andy.

What?

Dude, catch!

What is going on here?!

Are you there, Exses?

It's me, Andy.

The restaurant is falling apart.

Do something!

I need all my
strength for the possession.

You remember our deal.

If the restaurant
goes down, that's it.

You don't help me,
I don't help you.

I'm so sorry about
that, again, guys.

Dinner's on the
house tonight, okay?

Thank you.

I'll be right back
with your desserts.

That's my boy, Richard.

He'll suck your
cock for a Benjamin.

Not bad.

Would you like to
try some of mine?

Honey, please be
quiet and let me eat.

Welcome back, sir.

Thanks.

I'm not here to eat, I
just need to look around.

Sure, just let me get
the manager for you.

Mr. Grady.

What the fuck is this?

An apology letter.

No, I'll tell you what it is.

It's the worst bribe ever.

You underestimate what a
city employee makes, kid.

You are right, sir,
and you know what,

there is nothing to see here,

especially nothing
in the basement.

Okay.

Okay.

What'll it be, buddy?

I'll have a brandy, please.

Good man.

Here you go.

Thank you.

Is it me or is everybody
in this place insane?

It's the service industry,

none of us are
sane to start with

and then they went and
closed all the nut houses.

They gotta put us
somewhere, right?

Hey, I actually have 10 on me.

Is it okay if you
just bill me later?

Sure.

Just get your address,
come by for a visit,

bring a baseball bat.

It's all right.

Dinner tonight is on us.

Arthur!

You can't talk to
our guests this way.

Guests?

I don't see any guests.

Guests are people you
wanna have around.

These people are so trashy,

I bet I could say
it to their face

and they wouldn't even care!

Yeah.

Can I help you?

I can take that up
whenever you're ready.

You don't wanna leave
a tip for our server?

No.

Nice to see you again.

You too.

Oh my God, how are you?

How can I help you, Mr. Grady?

I need to see the basement,

where you store the food.

Of course.

Just a minute.

Maybe you'd like to
start with the kitchen.

I have a feeling the
kitchen's just fine.

It is.

So is the basement.

That's what I've been
trying to tell you, please.

You know, I don't know if
you've seen the freezer yet.

Everybody in the freezer now!

- No, no, no, no!
- Hey! Hey!

Let's go!

You guys, I thought I
said no horseplay in here.

Horseplay?

I promise, it'll all
make a lot more sense

once you've seen
inside the freezer.

It better.

Right this way.

Well?

Take a look inside.

You were really
brave back there.

I know.

Hey!

Get back!

Kill me!

I think he did something.

Do you think the
inspector's okay?

Need something?

This is out of
control, Richard.

Well, that's a
matter of perspective.

You know what, I'm
calling the cops.

Go ahead.

Jer.

Hello?

What?

Mr. Grady, would
you like to speak to him?

You.

You lead my into a
trap, Jeremy, and now I'm dead.

I'm dead because of you.

Do yourself a favor
and slit your wrists.

It'll be better
than what's coming.

We have to keep
making use his strength,

it's out only hope.

Just watch this.

May I please have
some water before I go?

Absolutely.

Not enough water
for you, bitch?

No!

You know what?

No, no!

I'm so sorry.

Let's go!

I'm so sorry.

This
is unbelievable.

This is why we don't go
out in the city, Carol!

The staff upstairs

is trying to drain
Exses' energy.

What they don't realize is

there's four snacks
right here in this room

and holy shit, is he hungry!

Okay?

Is clawing your eye
out really necessary?

Where we're going, we'll
be better off without them.

Do something!

Do something!

Like what?

Where are my guests?

We had a bad night.

Not talking to you, turd face.

Andy?

Where the hell are my guests?

What the hell is this?

Phantom of the fucking Opera?

He's killing them.

Yeah.

That's what he does.

Whoa!

Where you going, big guy?

I think you two here
makes any difference.

Exses will take you either way.

Good.

Then I guess you don't
mind if I do this.

Try again.

I dare you.

And I thought Jersey was bad.

Come on, doll, let's beat it.

Jeremy?

It's okay, he
can't hurt the staff.

Stay behind me, stay behind me.

Go! Go!

Take everyone upstairs.

It's 11:55.

In five minutes, it won't
matter where you work

or where you are.

Michael, it's almost midnight.

I'm
going into his world.

How?

Hold this.

No, no, Michael, you can't.

Stand back.

Andy, make him stop!

What do you think?

Get off of me!

Jeremy!

It's me, open up!

No, it's past midnight,
you're not Michael anymore.

Fine, I'll leave
you in there alone.

God

damn.

Are we fucked?

Not yet.

Exses has one foot in this
world and one in ours.

If we destroy his
body here then...

Then you get
your body back in our world.

Okay.

Oh, shit!

You humans are too
focused on flesh and blood.

Flesh is cheap.

Oh.

That sucked.

We have to get to
the manager's office.

Uh huh.

It's pretty heavy up there.

You good to go?

Yeah.

Cool.

Why are you so clean?

I believe this
special occasion

calls for a drink.

What will it be, sir?

You know what would
really, really hit the spot?

You promised not
to hurt my staff.

The terms
of our contract

have been settled, Andy.

But my restaurant is in ruins!

Who cares?

That mirror, I want it
broken, take it down.

I'd rather not.

Corey, help me move this table!

Why does he want
the mirror broken?

I don't care why!

I don't want a
period in my head.

Michael.

Don't look back.

You heard that, right?

Stay with me.

So that guy at the bar and
that thing in the basement

are the same thing now?

Yeah.

How do we kill it?

No, what if Michael's
still in there?

We need to perform and
exorcism or something.

We can't!

Says who?

Is there a single Christian
at this entire table?

Right.

We can't just force a demon
out without some authority.

We don't got shit.

Exses is stronger than us

but he's a cocky motherfucker.

We can outsmart him.

Forget about the mirrors.

It's just a symbol.

What do you mean?

Exses can switch
which reality he's in

like we turn the
knob on a radio.

He communicated
through the mirror

only because he made
Andy feel comfortable.

Same as he contacted
Richard through the joint.

I'm sorry, I'm way
behind you on this.

You're so limited, man.

You gave up wait too
easy on that Karen chick.

You gotta fight for
what you want, man.

Right.

You know everything about me.

Mhmm.

Am I dead?

I sometimes think that
I died a long time ago

and that I'm now just
reliving the same shitty day

over and over again.

Are you scared now?

Yeah, very.

Then you're not dead.

Okay.

Found it.

This is all that remains
of Exses' original body.

He keeps it here?

Not exactly.

Andy does.

He found it one day when
he was walking his dog.

Andy keeps the
relic in this world,

so it has to be here
too, in Exses' world.

Think of it like when you
stand in front of two mirrors.

There's infinite copies of
yourself stretched out forever.

If you take one of them out,

you take them all out.

Unless they
explode all over you.

Have a little faith, man.

Wanna do the honors?

Yes.

Go!

Destroy it!

You are all my property now.

Oh no, Jenny!

Let them go.

Exses, do what you want with me.

Let them go!

I don't wish to
kill you, Jeremy.

I only cut down the strong.

You, Jeremy, are weak.

A natural born slave.

The rest of you
losers have a choice.

I will be served
and I will be fed.

Whether you serve
me or are fed to me,

that's up to you.

Exses is lord.

Say it, boy!

Say it of your own free will.

Exses is lord!

Exses...

is...

No!

Michael!

Oh my God!

Is it, who is it,
you in there, or the demon?

Jeremy!

Come on!

Who stabbed me?

I'm so sorry about
the mirror, dude.

I thought you were going to
be trapped in Mordor forever.

It's okay, don't worry.

Forget about it.

What happened?

Did we win?

The kid?

He saved our asses.

I'm calling the police.

Everybody go.

This is all my fault.

You're damn right it is.

I'm sorry.

I quit.

Jeremy.

Subtitles by explosiveskull