The Real McCoy (1991) - full transcript
# The Real McCoy! #
HE LAUGHS
CROWD CHATTERS
CROWD CHATTERS
Oh, yes! And good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to this rather
funny-shaped
building in Reading where we
are covering an
exhibition match between Curtis
"Lord, My God In Force" Walker
and Ishmael "What a Shot,
What a Bloody Net-buster" Thomas.
Sh!
LAUGHTER
Sorry.
HUSHED: I have to go back
to this rather low voice,
which is doing my bloody
throat in.
Start the commentary now, please!
Right. And it's Curtis,
"Lord, My God In Force" Walker.
HUSHED: It's Curtis Walker
to break.
Achoo!
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God. What a bloody
lame shot there from Curtis.
He must be really upset with that.
I mean, my auntie in Trinidad
could have done better than that
and she's a blind...
HUSHED: Oh. Curtis must be
really, really upset
with himself about that shot there.
Well, you have to admire the way
the players keep their spirits up,
don't you?
And it's Ishmael to the table.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
HE COUGHS
Look, go man
take some cough medicine.
LAUGHTER
One.
And another one.
LAUGHTER
Ref, clean the ball.
It give a nasty kick.
Nasty kick? I'll give you
a nasty kick in a minute.
Where's your manners?
Clean it yourself.
Besides, I don't want to get
my gloves dirty. Commentator!
Oh, yes! What a goal from
the magical Johnny Barnes there.
A slight suspicion of offside,
but... Snooker! Snooker!
Oh, yes. Snooker.
Such a relaxing sport,
invented by bored British armed
officers whilst out in India...
Stop waffling.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, as
you can see, Ishmael has his balls
nicely positioned for a lovely
little trick shot now.
LAUGHTER
Well, that's about all we have
time for tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, so please join
me in thanking
Curtis "Lord, My God In
Force" Walker
and Ishmael "What a Shot,
What a Bloody Net-buster" Thomas.
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
Who the hell is Chalky?
LAUGHTER
You see, it's always puzzled me.
I remember when I was a little kid
and my father took me
to his place of work
and it was the first time I heard
it. We were walking across
the yard and this white guy called
out to my dad, "All right, Chalky?"
And my dad replied...
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Yes, I'm fine."
DEEPER VOICE: "Morning, Bob!"
I said, "Dad, your name isn't
Chalky."
He said, "No, no, no.
It's just a little joke."
I remember thinking it must be
a weird kind of joke
because I've never seen my dad
laugh like that before.
You know the kind of laugh where...
DEEP, FORCED CHUCKLE
"Very funny."
We carried on walking
and another white man called out
to my dad's friend.
"Chalky, make us a cup of tea!"
And my dad's friend, who was black,
replied...
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Yes, I'll do
it. Two sugars, no problem."
And I knew his name wasn't Chalky
because my dad had always
called him Mr Thomas. So, I said,
"Dad, has Mr Thomas changed
his name?"
He said, "No! It's just
a little joke.
"Now shut up and come on."
LAUGHTER
Now, I was a bright child.
I know. Intelligent, no help.
LAUGHTER
So the next day I got to school,
I went into the classroom,
I said, "Sir, can I borrow a piece
of chalk?"
I held the chalk up to my face,
said, "Sir, does this chalk look
anything like me?"
He said, "No."
So, I said, "Then why do some white
folks call us black folks chalky?"
He said, "Oh, it's just a little
joke." And then it dawned on me.
You see, some white people
call us "chalky"
and think it's really funny!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello and welcome to Ask Auntiji
at my usual
peak-time slot of 2:30 AM
on a Tuesday morning.
I mean, that's all they think we are
worth, isn't it?
People make jokes about why Asian
shops stay open all night.
Now you know why.
It's the only reason we get to watch
some decent television.
Anyway, as an agony auntie,
I am often asked many questions
about religion. Does God exist?
And if so, why has Jim Davidson been
given another television series?
LAUGHTER
At peak time as well!
Now, I always remind people that
I am a Hindu
and we believe that people come
back, sometimes as animals.
In fact, last week I saw a spider
I am sure was my dead
Auntie Pushpa.
LAUGHTER
Well, it was shifty, had hairy legs
and ended up face down in a pool
of beer, so I'm sure it was her.
It might have been a touching
reunion, but unfortunately I dropped
my daughter-in-law's chastity belt
I was polishing at the time...
..and poor Pushpa got squashed to
bits. Never mind.
Maybe one day she will come back
as a television controller
and put me on at a decent time.
Anyway, that's all for tonight,
so goodnight. And especially to
those career women out there,
all alone, afraid in the dark,
with no-one to protect you
because you didn't listen
to your mothers
and marry that nice
accountant from Harrow, goodnight.
APPLAUSE
MUSIC: A Watcher's Point of View
by PM Dawn
SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC
SCREAMING
MUSICAL ROARING
And so our intrepid heroes prepare
to stop Ragga Star
the Music Monster.
SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC
We have been studying the
conscious lyrics action pack
and following Ragga Star
for weeks.
Tonight, we make our move against
him. Yes, sensible.
The venue he is playing is
the Windmill Boulder arena. Mm-hm.
And according to my research,
we should be able to confront him
and defeat him there.
It's now or never. It's do or die.
It's kill or be killed. It's...
..about time we stop this.
LAUGHTER
Are you scared? No. Oh.
Well, just a little. Yes, I am.
You? Me? No! Not much.
Then on the other hand,
yes. Yes.
Remember your motto!
BOTH: To make the world a better
place
for all the people who live in it.
Soon come.
How will our intrepid heroes
face their first hurdle?
Will they leap it in a single
bound or will
they fall flat on their face
and break them teeth?
Tune in next time.
LAUGHTER
Hi.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS
I'd like to share something with you
all tonight, if I may.
Because I want you all to
understand that I am a new man.
LAUGHTER
It's true. Come up and feel me.
I'm so new, I'm still crispy.
LAUGHTER
I'm clean cut, clean shaven
and clean thinking.
I'm so new, you can still smell
the wrapper, babe.
I am a new man.
I'm a ecologically, sociologically
and totally logically
honey-sound petal.
I'm 100% natural
and completely biodegradable.
I'm so aware, I know your thoughts,
your needs, your desires
and your dreams.
LAUGHTER
Can't you see that, right in front
of you, that I am your reality?
I am a new man.
Ooh! Oo-wee!
You sweet, sweet thang!
Don't you just know
that you and me is got to be?
I am a new man.
Hands off the candy, dandy.
You seriously expect any
right-minded woman
to fall for your pseudo-liberated
"I'm a homes-loving brother"
pile of bull?
LAUGHTER
You really need help
if you think your synthetic,
inverted macho persona cuts any kind
of sway with me.
CHEERING
Child, I saw you coming before you
were born.
LAUGHTER
And if you think you can just dress
up that tired old jive talk
with a few lines you once
read in Ebony Magazine...
LAUGHTER
..a loan shark's got better
credentials.
Michael Jackson's face has
more integrity.
You want to be new?
You got to get real.
Because right now, you sure ain't
nothing but stale bread.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But...babe. Baby. Baby.
Yeah? Yeah? You still got something
to say?
But, babe...
..I can cry.
LAUGHTER
Sweet thing, crocodiles cry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. Quiet! Thank you.
BIRDS CHIRP
They're all waiting for me to say
a few words of comfort,
I suppose, in the face of this
terrible disaster.
Poor things, seem awfully unhappy.
Oh, yes, they are very upset.
They asked for Bob Geldof, not you,
so you better make an effort.
LAUGHTER
Um...
Hello, everybody.
You've been terribly brave in coping
with this awful cyclone.
Still, I'm sure that the
three tonnes of water biscuits
and super T-shirts that we have
donated will come in jolly handy.
CROWD SHOUTING: Gogi! Gogi!
Don't worry about my airfare
or hotel bills over here.
You owe us £2 billion anyway,
so this one's on me.
CROWD SHOUTING: Gogi! Gogi!
They love me. And, uh, "gogi"
to you, too!
That seemed to go rather well.
Would you mind showing me
around the village now? OK.
MOOING AND PLOPPING
LAUGHTER
But mind you don't step in
any gogi.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Make some noise! Hoo-hoo!
Respect, respect.
Now, I know you're all wondering
about this word "respect".
Well, wonder no more, but respect
to your wondering.
R is for reliable. E is for easy.
S is for saying.
P is for placed.
E is for en vogue. C is for
commentary.
And T is for today.
Reliable easy-saying placed en vogue
commentary today. Respect to that.
Respect to this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Mi was wondering the other day
whether mi could ah turn vegetarian.
Because like ah mi
not getting any younger,
mi wan can't carry these bags
heavy with meat an ting
without do miself some damage.
And even mi doctor say, "Too much
red meat is not good for you."
"It cause your blood vessels dem
to co-an-jur-late."
That mean block up.
But no matter it fowl,
goat, cow foot
or fish from the sea,
mi love it all.
Mi could a never nyam rice
without chicken,
or two dumpling without
lickle curry goat.
And as for the jerk pork...
Hm! Hm!
But Bertram, mi husband, him say,
"Mi nah want nah pork
fi nyam up mi brain cells dem!"
But people eating in ignorance.
Do they know what
they put in a burger an ting?
And the same pickney, dem rude!
Yes, mi dear, no manners,
and unruly out of this world.
Lord, some of them
come in like typhoon!
Hm. Dem want instant, and this
fast food is chips with everyting!
Fast food? Kill you, fast.
Dem put it in a de microwave
and ping!
Two seconds later, it ready.
How you nuh say it cook?
No, no, no. Life is too short
fi that kind of living.
Hm. Unnu must tek your time.
Anyway, see mi bus ah come.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Me a go home now, go cook some soup!
APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Is It Good To You
by Teddy Riley ft. Tammy Lucas
# Tell me how you like it, yeah
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it, I like it
# Is it good to you?
# Yeah-eah-eah
# Is it good to you?
# Whoa-oah-oah, yeah
# Is it good to you?
# Ohhh
# Is it good to you?
# When my love comes down
# I don't have to run around
# I've got you and you know
just what to do
# To fulfil all my needs
and satisfy me
# But I'd like to know
the sexual healing is mutual
# Do you feel what I'm feeling?
# Do I please you?
Do I fill the need?
# I know I might sound bold
# But I'd just like to know
# Is it good to you?
# I want to know
# Is it good to you?
# Ooh, I got to know, yeah
# Is it good to you?
# Come on and tell me, boy
# Is it good to you?
# Ooh, don't be afraid
# When we're making love,
come on and say, yeah
# Tell me just how you like it
# I'll talk dirty to you, baby
# While you drive me crazy
# And I'd like to know
# If that sexual healing is mutual
# Do you feel what I'm feeling?
Yeah
# All my love's for you
# All this love is true
# And I'll never let you go
# But I've just got to know
Whoa-oah-oah
# Is it good to you?
# I want to know
# Is it good to you?
# Ooh, I got to know
# Yeah, yeah
Is it good to you?
# Is my loving good to you?
Is it good to you?
# You've got me singing
# I like it, I like it
Oh
# I like it, I like it
Yeah
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
Yeah-eah-eah
# I like it, I like it
Ooh
# I like it, I like it
Yeah, yeah, yeah
# I like it, I like it
# Oh, baby
Is it good to you?
# And I'd like to know
# If that sexual healing is mutual
# Do I feel what I'm feeling?
# All my love's for you
# All this love is true
# And I'll never let you go
# But I just got to know
# Is it good to you?
Yeah-eah-eah
# Is it good to you?
Ooh, I've got to know
# Is it good to you?
Yeah, is my loving good to you?
# Is it good to you?
Tell me, tell me, baby
# How it feels
Is it good to you?
# Oh, yeah, is it good to you?
# Is it good to you?
# Oh, I got to know, yeah, yeah
Is it good to you?
# Is it good to you?
Is it good to you?
# You got me singing, ooh... #
CHEERING
MUSIC FADES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Greetings.
Peace.
My name is Jesus.
LAUGHTER
I'll get straight to the point.
Who is this?
Now, I know this is
a very touchy subject,
and I really don't want
to upset anyone, but I'm upset.
You see, there is no argument
about where I was born. Bethlehem.
And, OK, OK, I'll concede,
it does get a bit chilly at night,
but basically we're talking
a hot country,
and nobody born where I lived
looked like this.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
In fact, when I was born,
THIS is how I looked.
Now, doesn't that make more sense?
You see, the truth is staring you
in the face, and you know the score.
My mother and father,
Mary and Joseph,
were up and down the streets of
Bethlehem trying to find
a room for the night,
so that my mother could have me.
She was pregnant, right?
But could they find a room? No.
Why not? Because they were black!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You see, nothing changes.
There were signs above
all the inn doors in Latin.
Translated: "no children,
no donkeys, no blacks".
I am tired of being misrepresented.
I am the original, the lamb.
No, not your dinner.
Don't look at me like that.
It's crazy. Everywhere you look,
you see pictures of this guy
that's supposed to be me.
But in the early days,
we didn't have any cameras,
and I don't remember
sitting for any portraits.
And while we're talking portraits,
let's take that painting,
the Last Supper, for instance.
I don't recognise one of
those guys around that table.
The first time I saw it,
I had to ask the question,
which one is supposed to be me?
Apparently, the same question was
asked of the painter Michelangelo,
and he answered, "Eeny, meeny,
miney, mo, take your pick."
And in case you're in need
of further proof, just remember -
when I was born, a very special star
appeared in the skies above,
and ever since that time that star
has followed me everywhere I go.
Peace.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
BLAST OF ORGAN
Let's find out what's going on
inside the Windmill Boulder Arena!
The crucial mash up de album,
ladies and gentlemen,
de one fiyah nuff shot-maker!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the man who kill it with nuff...
HE STARTS TOASTING
IN DEEP VOICE
Come again, operator!
Ragga Star the best.
# Come now, girl
Throw it down, girl
# Come down, girl... #
LAUGHTER DROWNS LYRICS
# Throw it down, girl
Come down, girl
# Throw it down
# Man nah woman nah find unity
# All you need is my time
that beauty... #
LAUGHTER DROWNS LYRICS
# Just go get
some plastics and debris! #
BEAT STOPS
Ragga Star, you have given your last
corrupt and slackness-filled show.
Tonight,
we challenge you to a showdown.
# Murder dem, mi a go murder dem, I!
# Murder dem, me a go murder dem! #
Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
This here's wha gwan. Wait up, see?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Stand back with that rusty blade,
you bumblehead fool!
BEAT STARTS
Well, brothers and sisters,
good day.
We've got to love ourselves
above all else. Hear we now.
# Dignity, dignity
# Dignity is the key
# We must dig deep for reals
with dignity
# We have to know the truth
in order to be free
# So mek some noise
if you all agree
CHEERING
# Dignity is the key... #
Wheel it up and come again.
BEAT RESTARTS
# No dignity, no dignity
# Can help you out
if you're black and ugly
# Now, pretty girls
that make your wheels turn
# Ugly gal keep it down
cos you can't get a man! #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BEAT STARTS
# There is no ugly,
it's a mental ting
# There is no ugly, only brutality
# There is no ugly
based on colour or creed
# Right now, people,
this is what we need
# No woman, no cry... #
CHEERING
# No woman, no cry
# Man and man learn fi respect woman
# Because from them
our children are born
# And in them is place for future
# So, sisters, hear we now
# Conscious Youth and
Sensible Somebody love you! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Peace!
BEAT STARTS
# No have the future
Ah, you're history
# That end of tings
is for lickle pickney
# I's a big man,
just give me dem bully
# Give me the girl
and nuff love early. #
Give me the girls!
HE CHUCKLES
All the girls, yeah.
# Emancipate yourself
from mental slavery
# Get real, get real,
Ragga Star, get real
# What you a gon do
when de right time come?
# Get real, get real,
Ragga Star, get real
# What you a gon do
when de money's got rocked
# Get real, get real,
Ragga Star, get real
# You're living in a fantasy. #
Get real, Ragga Star!
CHEERING DROWNS HIM OUT
BEAT STARTS
# Give me the money
Give me the money
# I want the... Girls! Girls!
# Where's all the girls gone?!
Aargh! Aargh! #
BEAT SLOWS DOWN
Help!
Raggastein, help me!
BEAT SLOWS TO A STOP
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
BEAT STARTS
# We came with positive
and not negative
# Surely goodness will always defeat
the bad in this day and this time
# Ragga Star dead
Ain't it true, children?
# Slackness dead
Whoa, yeah!
# Ragga Star dead
Reggae music born again
# Slackness dead
Ooh, yeah!
# Surely goodness
will always defeat the bad
# In these days and this time. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
My beautiful creature!
HE WAILS
Oh, no, Ragga Star!
Oh, no! Oh, Ragga Star!
ORGAN PLAYS
ANNOUNCER: And so the dreaded
Ragga Star is defeated,
and Raggastein is reduced to tears,
while our intrepid heroes
go after the shifty ragamuffin.
# Conscious Youth
# Sensible Somebody. #
ANNOUNCER: Our intrepid
heroes are puzzled.
I don't think I like the way that
voice keeps calling us "intrepid".
It's got a funny sound to it,
don't it? It sounds so...
It means that you are
fearless and bold.
Yes, my thoughts exactly.
Yes, i-it sums us up rather nicely.
But what about Raggastein,
Liberator?
Why didn't you put him
out of his misery?
That was not necessary.
Are you sure, Liberator?
I mean, he could still be
very dangerous. That's right.
Liberator, you said
you fought Raggastein for years.
You had him just where you wanted.
Why didn't you let us
finish him off?
Because he is my brother.
I know this will come as
a tremendous shock to you both,
but we were born of the same mother.
We were separated as children
and became enemies,
fighting for different principles.
Despite all the wrong he has done,
I do not hate him.
I love him
and only wish to see him reformed.
I can't believe we didn't see
the connection before.
I mean, the family resemblance
has been staring us in the face.
What you talking about,
Conscious? What family resemblance?
Nose? Lips? It's certainly not
the way they dress!
Come on, explain yourself.
What family resemblance?
Their voices. Hm? Hm?
They both sound... Mash up!
Sh!
Well, they do.
You can't say mash up...!
ORGAN PLAYS
And so, that just about wraps it up.
Our intrepid, fearless
and bold heroes can go home,
put on their slippers
and wait for the phone to ring.
Raggastein has been defeated.
Or has he? Tune in next time.
DRAMATIC ORGAN
APPLAUSE
HE LAUGHS
CROWD CHATTERS
CROWD CHATTERS
Oh, yes! And good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to this rather
funny-shaped
building in Reading where we
are covering an
exhibition match between Curtis
"Lord, My God In Force" Walker
and Ishmael "What a Shot,
What a Bloody Net-buster" Thomas.
Sh!
LAUGHTER
Sorry.
HUSHED: I have to go back
to this rather low voice,
which is doing my bloody
throat in.
Start the commentary now, please!
Right. And it's Curtis,
"Lord, My God In Force" Walker.
HUSHED: It's Curtis Walker
to break.
Achoo!
LAUGHTER
Oh, my God. What a bloody
lame shot there from Curtis.
He must be really upset with that.
I mean, my auntie in Trinidad
could have done better than that
and she's a blind...
HUSHED: Oh. Curtis must be
really, really upset
with himself about that shot there.
Well, you have to admire the way
the players keep their spirits up,
don't you?
And it's Ishmael to the table.
HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
HE COUGHS
Look, go man
take some cough medicine.
LAUGHTER
One.
And another one.
LAUGHTER
Ref, clean the ball.
It give a nasty kick.
Nasty kick? I'll give you
a nasty kick in a minute.
Where's your manners?
Clean it yourself.
Besides, I don't want to get
my gloves dirty. Commentator!
Oh, yes! What a goal from
the magical Johnny Barnes there.
A slight suspicion of offside,
but... Snooker! Snooker!
Oh, yes. Snooker.
Such a relaxing sport,
invented by bored British armed
officers whilst out in India...
Stop waffling.
Well, ladies and gentlemen, as
you can see, Ishmael has his balls
nicely positioned for a lovely
little trick shot now.
LAUGHTER
Well, that's about all we have
time for tonight,
ladies and gentlemen, so please join
me in thanking
Curtis "Lord, My God In
Force" Walker
and Ishmael "What a Shot,
What a Bloody Net-buster" Thomas.
APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING
Who the hell is Chalky?
LAUGHTER
You see, it's always puzzled me.
I remember when I was a little kid
and my father took me
to his place of work
and it was the first time I heard
it. We were walking across
the yard and this white guy called
out to my dad, "All right, Chalky?"
And my dad replied...
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Yes, I'm fine."
DEEPER VOICE: "Morning, Bob!"
I said, "Dad, your name isn't
Chalky."
He said, "No, no, no.
It's just a little joke."
I remember thinking it must be
a weird kind of joke
because I've never seen my dad
laugh like that before.
You know the kind of laugh where...
DEEP, FORCED CHUCKLE
"Very funny."
We carried on walking
and another white man called out
to my dad's friend.
"Chalky, make us a cup of tea!"
And my dad's friend, who was black,
replied...
HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: "Yes, I'll do
it. Two sugars, no problem."
And I knew his name wasn't Chalky
because my dad had always
called him Mr Thomas. So, I said,
"Dad, has Mr Thomas changed
his name?"
He said, "No! It's just
a little joke.
"Now shut up and come on."
LAUGHTER
Now, I was a bright child.
I know. Intelligent, no help.
LAUGHTER
So the next day I got to school,
I went into the classroom,
I said, "Sir, can I borrow a piece
of chalk?"
I held the chalk up to my face,
said, "Sir, does this chalk look
anything like me?"
He said, "No."
So, I said, "Then why do some white
folks call us black folks chalky?"
He said, "Oh, it's just a little
joke." And then it dawned on me.
You see, some white people
call us "chalky"
and think it's really funny!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
Hello and welcome to Ask Auntiji
at my usual
peak-time slot of 2:30 AM
on a Tuesday morning.
I mean, that's all they think we are
worth, isn't it?
People make jokes about why Asian
shops stay open all night.
Now you know why.
It's the only reason we get to watch
some decent television.
Anyway, as an agony auntie,
I am often asked many questions
about religion. Does God exist?
And if so, why has Jim Davidson been
given another television series?
LAUGHTER
At peak time as well!
Now, I always remind people that
I am a Hindu
and we believe that people come
back, sometimes as animals.
In fact, last week I saw a spider
I am sure was my dead
Auntie Pushpa.
LAUGHTER
Well, it was shifty, had hairy legs
and ended up face down in a pool
of beer, so I'm sure it was her.
It might have been a touching
reunion, but unfortunately I dropped
my daughter-in-law's chastity belt
I was polishing at the time...
..and poor Pushpa got squashed to
bits. Never mind.
Maybe one day she will come back
as a television controller
and put me on at a decent time.
Anyway, that's all for tonight,
so goodnight. And especially to
those career women out there,
all alone, afraid in the dark,
with no-one to protect you
because you didn't listen
to your mothers
and marry that nice
accountant from Harrow, goodnight.
APPLAUSE
MUSIC: A Watcher's Point of View
by PM Dawn
SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC
SCREAMING
MUSICAL ROARING
And so our intrepid heroes prepare
to stop Ragga Star
the Music Monster.
SINISTER ORGAN MUSIC
We have been studying the
conscious lyrics action pack
and following Ragga Star
for weeks.
Tonight, we make our move against
him. Yes, sensible.
The venue he is playing is
the Windmill Boulder arena. Mm-hm.
And according to my research,
we should be able to confront him
and defeat him there.
It's now or never. It's do or die.
It's kill or be killed. It's...
..about time we stop this.
LAUGHTER
Are you scared? No. Oh.
Well, just a little. Yes, I am.
You? Me? No! Not much.
Then on the other hand,
yes. Yes.
Remember your motto!
BOTH: To make the world a better
place
for all the people who live in it.
Soon come.
How will our intrepid heroes
face their first hurdle?
Will they leap it in a single
bound or will
they fall flat on their face
and break them teeth?
Tune in next time.
LAUGHTER
Hi.
AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS
I'd like to share something with you
all tonight, if I may.
Because I want you all to
understand that I am a new man.
LAUGHTER
It's true. Come up and feel me.
I'm so new, I'm still crispy.
LAUGHTER
I'm clean cut, clean shaven
and clean thinking.
I'm so new, you can still smell
the wrapper, babe.
I am a new man.
I'm a ecologically, sociologically
and totally logically
honey-sound petal.
I'm 100% natural
and completely biodegradable.
I'm so aware, I know your thoughts,
your needs, your desires
and your dreams.
LAUGHTER
Can't you see that, right in front
of you, that I am your reality?
I am a new man.
Ooh! Oo-wee!
You sweet, sweet thang!
Don't you just know
that you and me is got to be?
I am a new man.
Hands off the candy, dandy.
You seriously expect any
right-minded woman
to fall for your pseudo-liberated
"I'm a homes-loving brother"
pile of bull?
LAUGHTER
You really need help
if you think your synthetic,
inverted macho persona cuts any kind
of sway with me.
CHEERING
Child, I saw you coming before you
were born.
LAUGHTER
And if you think you can just dress
up that tired old jive talk
with a few lines you once
read in Ebony Magazine...
LAUGHTER
..a loan shark's got better
credentials.
Michael Jackson's face has
more integrity.
You want to be new?
You got to get real.
Because right now, you sure ain't
nothing but stale bread.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
But...babe. Baby. Baby.
Yeah? Yeah? You still got something
to say?
But, babe...
..I can cry.
LAUGHTER
Sweet thing, crocodiles cry.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Thank you. Quiet! Thank you.
BIRDS CHIRP
They're all waiting for me to say
a few words of comfort,
I suppose, in the face of this
terrible disaster.
Poor things, seem awfully unhappy.
Oh, yes, they are very upset.
They asked for Bob Geldof, not you,
so you better make an effort.
LAUGHTER
Um...
Hello, everybody.
You've been terribly brave in coping
with this awful cyclone.
Still, I'm sure that the
three tonnes of water biscuits
and super T-shirts that we have
donated will come in jolly handy.
CROWD SHOUTING: Gogi! Gogi!
Don't worry about my airfare
or hotel bills over here.
You owe us £2 billion anyway,
so this one's on me.
CROWD SHOUTING: Gogi! Gogi!
They love me. And, uh, "gogi"
to you, too!
That seemed to go rather well.
Would you mind showing me
around the village now? OK.
MOOING AND PLOPPING
LAUGHTER
But mind you don't step in
any gogi.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Make some noise! Hoo-hoo!
Respect, respect.
Now, I know you're all wondering
about this word "respect".
Well, wonder no more, but respect
to your wondering.
R is for reliable. E is for easy.
S is for saying.
P is for placed.
E is for en vogue. C is for
commentary.
And T is for today.
Reliable easy-saying placed en vogue
commentary today. Respect to that.
Respect to this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Mi was wondering the other day
whether mi could ah turn vegetarian.
Because like ah mi
not getting any younger,
mi wan can't carry these bags
heavy with meat an ting
without do miself some damage.
And even mi doctor say, "Too much
red meat is not good for you."
"It cause your blood vessels dem
to co-an-jur-late."
That mean block up.
But no matter it fowl,
goat, cow foot
or fish from the sea,
mi love it all.
Mi could a never nyam rice
without chicken,
or two dumpling without
lickle curry goat.
And as for the jerk pork...
Hm! Hm!
But Bertram, mi husband, him say,
"Mi nah want nah pork
fi nyam up mi brain cells dem!"
But people eating in ignorance.
Do they know what
they put in a burger an ting?
And the same pickney, dem rude!
Yes, mi dear, no manners,
and unruly out of this world.
Lord, some of them
come in like typhoon!
Hm. Dem want instant, and this
fast food is chips with everyting!
Fast food? Kill you, fast.
Dem put it in a de microwave
and ping!
Two seconds later, it ready.
How you nuh say it cook?
No, no, no. Life is too short
fi that kind of living.
Hm. Unnu must tek your time.
Anyway, see mi bus ah come.
SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
Me a go home now, go cook some soup!
APPLAUSE
MUSIC: Is It Good To You
by Teddy Riley ft. Tammy Lucas
# Tell me how you like it, yeah
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it, I like it
# Is it good to you?
# Yeah-eah-eah
# Is it good to you?
# Whoa-oah-oah, yeah
# Is it good to you?
# Ohhh
# Is it good to you?
# When my love comes down
# I don't have to run around
# I've got you and you know
just what to do
# To fulfil all my needs
and satisfy me
# But I'd like to know
the sexual healing is mutual
# Do you feel what I'm feeling?
# Do I please you?
Do I fill the need?
# I know I might sound bold
# But I'd just like to know
# Is it good to you?
# I want to know
# Is it good to you?
# Ooh, I got to know, yeah
# Is it good to you?
# Come on and tell me, boy
# Is it good to you?
# Ooh, don't be afraid
# When we're making love,
come on and say, yeah
# Tell me just how you like it
# I'll talk dirty to you, baby
# While you drive me crazy
# And I'd like to know
# If that sexual healing is mutual
# Do you feel what I'm feeling?
Yeah
# All my love's for you
# All this love is true
# And I'll never let you go
# But I've just got to know
Whoa-oah-oah
# Is it good to you?
# I want to know
# Is it good to you?
# Ooh, I got to know
# Yeah, yeah
Is it good to you?
# Is my loving good to you?
Is it good to you?
# You've got me singing
# I like it, I like it
Oh
# I like it, I like it
Yeah
# I like it, I like it
# I like it, I like it
Yeah-eah-eah
# I like it, I like it
Ooh
# I like it, I like it
Yeah, yeah, yeah
# I like it, I like it
# Oh, baby
Is it good to you?
# And I'd like to know
# If that sexual healing is mutual
# Do I feel what I'm feeling?
# All my love's for you
# All this love is true
# And I'll never let you go
# But I just got to know
# Is it good to you?
Yeah-eah-eah
# Is it good to you?
Ooh, I've got to know
# Is it good to you?
Yeah, is my loving good to you?
# Is it good to you?
Tell me, tell me, baby
# How it feels
Is it good to you?
# Oh, yeah, is it good to you?
# Is it good to you?
# Oh, I got to know, yeah, yeah
Is it good to you?
# Is it good to you?
Is it good to you?
# You got me singing, ooh... #
CHEERING
MUSIC FADES
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Greetings.
Peace.
My name is Jesus.
LAUGHTER
I'll get straight to the point.
Who is this?
Now, I know this is
a very touchy subject,
and I really don't want
to upset anyone, but I'm upset.
You see, there is no argument
about where I was born. Bethlehem.
And, OK, OK, I'll concede,
it does get a bit chilly at night,
but basically we're talking
a hot country,
and nobody born where I lived
looked like this.
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
In fact, when I was born,
THIS is how I looked.
Now, doesn't that make more sense?
You see, the truth is staring you
in the face, and you know the score.
My mother and father,
Mary and Joseph,
were up and down the streets of
Bethlehem trying to find
a room for the night,
so that my mother could have me.
She was pregnant, right?
But could they find a room? No.
Why not? Because they were black!
LAUGHTER
APPLAUSE
You see, nothing changes.
There were signs above
all the inn doors in Latin.
Translated: "no children,
no donkeys, no blacks".
I am tired of being misrepresented.
I am the original, the lamb.
No, not your dinner.
Don't look at me like that.
It's crazy. Everywhere you look,
you see pictures of this guy
that's supposed to be me.
But in the early days,
we didn't have any cameras,
and I don't remember
sitting for any portraits.
And while we're talking portraits,
let's take that painting,
the Last Supper, for instance.
I don't recognise one of
those guys around that table.
The first time I saw it,
I had to ask the question,
which one is supposed to be me?
Apparently, the same question was
asked of the painter Michelangelo,
and he answered, "Eeny, meeny,
miney, mo, take your pick."
And in case you're in need
of further proof, just remember -
when I was born, a very special star
appeared in the skies above,
and ever since that time that star
has followed me everywhere I go.
Peace.
APPLAUSE
CHEERING
BLAST OF ORGAN
Let's find out what's going on
inside the Windmill Boulder Arena!
The crucial mash up de album,
ladies and gentlemen,
de one fiyah nuff shot-maker!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the man who kill it with nuff...
HE STARTS TOASTING
IN DEEP VOICE
Come again, operator!
Ragga Star the best.
# Come now, girl
Throw it down, girl
# Come down, girl... #
LAUGHTER DROWNS LYRICS
# Throw it down, girl
Come down, girl
# Throw it down
# Man nah woman nah find unity
# All you need is my time
that beauty... #
LAUGHTER DROWNS LYRICS
# Just go get
some plastics and debris! #
BEAT STOPS
Ragga Star, you have given your last
corrupt and slackness-filled show.
Tonight,
we challenge you to a showdown.
# Murder dem, mi a go murder dem, I!
# Murder dem, me a go murder dem! #
Hey, hey, hey. Come on.
This here's wha gwan. Wait up, see?
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
Stand back with that rusty blade,
you bumblehead fool!
BEAT STARTS
Well, brothers and sisters,
good day.
We've got to love ourselves
above all else. Hear we now.
# Dignity, dignity
# Dignity is the key
# We must dig deep for reals
with dignity
# We have to know the truth
in order to be free
# So mek some noise
if you all agree
CHEERING
# Dignity is the key... #
Wheel it up and come again.
BEAT RESTARTS
# No dignity, no dignity
# Can help you out
if you're black and ugly
# Now, pretty girls
that make your wheels turn
# Ugly gal keep it down
cos you can't get a man! #
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
BEAT STARTS
# There is no ugly,
it's a mental ting
# There is no ugly, only brutality
# There is no ugly
based on colour or creed
# Right now, people,
this is what we need
# No woman, no cry... #
CHEERING
# No woman, no cry
# Man and man learn fi respect woman
# Because from them
our children are born
# And in them is place for future
# So, sisters, hear we now
# Conscious Youth and
Sensible Somebody love you! #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Peace!
BEAT STARTS
# No have the future
Ah, you're history
# That end of tings
is for lickle pickney
# I's a big man,
just give me dem bully
# Give me the girl
and nuff love early. #
Give me the girls!
HE CHUCKLES
All the girls, yeah.
# Emancipate yourself
from mental slavery
# Get real, get real,
Ragga Star, get real
# What you a gon do
when de right time come?
# Get real, get real,
Ragga Star, get real
# What you a gon do
when de money's got rocked
# Get real, get real,
Ragga Star, get real
# You're living in a fantasy. #
Get real, Ragga Star!
CHEERING DROWNS HIM OUT
BEAT STARTS
# Give me the money
Give me the money
# I want the... Girls! Girls!
# Where's all the girls gone?!
Aargh! Aargh! #
BEAT SLOWS DOWN
Help!
Raggastein, help me!
BEAT SLOWS TO A STOP
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
BEAT STARTS
# We came with positive
and not negative
# Surely goodness will always defeat
the bad in this day and this time
# Ragga Star dead
Ain't it true, children?
# Slackness dead
Whoa, yeah!
# Ragga Star dead
Reggae music born again
# Slackness dead
Ooh, yeah!
# Surely goodness
will always defeat the bad
# In these days and this time. #
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
My beautiful creature!
HE WAILS
Oh, no, Ragga Star!
Oh, no! Oh, Ragga Star!
ORGAN PLAYS
ANNOUNCER: And so the dreaded
Ragga Star is defeated,
and Raggastein is reduced to tears,
while our intrepid heroes
go after the shifty ragamuffin.
# Conscious Youth
# Sensible Somebody. #
ANNOUNCER: Our intrepid
heroes are puzzled.
I don't think I like the way that
voice keeps calling us "intrepid".
It's got a funny sound to it,
don't it? It sounds so...
It means that you are
fearless and bold.
Yes, my thoughts exactly.
Yes, i-it sums us up rather nicely.
But what about Raggastein,
Liberator?
Why didn't you put him
out of his misery?
That was not necessary.
Are you sure, Liberator?
I mean, he could still be
very dangerous. That's right.
Liberator, you said
you fought Raggastein for years.
You had him just where you wanted.
Why didn't you let us
finish him off?
Because he is my brother.
I know this will come as
a tremendous shock to you both,
but we were born of the same mother.
We were separated as children
and became enemies,
fighting for different principles.
Despite all the wrong he has done,
I do not hate him.
I love him
and only wish to see him reformed.
I can't believe we didn't see
the connection before.
I mean, the family resemblance
has been staring us in the face.
What you talking about,
Conscious? What family resemblance?
Nose? Lips? It's certainly not
the way they dress!
Come on, explain yourself.
What family resemblance?
Their voices. Hm? Hm?
They both sound... Mash up!
Sh!
Well, they do.
You can't say mash up...!
ORGAN PLAYS
And so, that just about wraps it up.
Our intrepid, fearless
and bold heroes can go home,
put on their slippers
and wait for the phone to ring.
Raggastein has been defeated.
Or has he? Tune in next time.
DRAMATIC ORGAN
APPLAUSE