The Real Howard Spitz (1998) - full transcript

I was out of bullets,

but so was the dame.

She threw a gun at my head

the way suckers
in the movies do,

but I ducked.

She looked through her purse.

What if she was carryin'’?

What if she was packin'’...

a derringer?

I saw the knife we'’d used

to cut the salami and cheese
the night before.



I made like Jim Bowie.

- It sailed through the air
and stuck in her guts

with a sickening thud.

She screamed once,

then went quiet.

I checked her purse.

No derringer.

You win some, you lose some.

I got Lieutenant Sutton
on the phone.

"The so-called
missing heiress," I said...

"the missing heiress...

she'’s bleeding all over my imitation Persian carpet."

The case is closed.

Soon, I could hear the sirens.



Eat your heart out,
Raymond Chandler.

Yeah, Howard Spitz here.

Can'’t come to the phone
right now, I'’m...

finishin'’ up the new
Vance Kirby detective novel.

So just leave a message
at the beep.

Howard. Nicky, your bookie.

Well, I got the pen down
on No Nemesis.

It'’s the last time, Howard!
Gotta pay that bill.

I hate breaking legs, Howard.

It'’s bad for business.

Woof.

Howard, this is Marla.

- Son of a bitch.
- I know you'’re there.

Howard,
pick up the phone,
I know you'’re there!

Yeah?

You know,
my new boyfriend is a cop.

Yeah, my new boyfriend
is a cop.

- And he'’s gonna come out if you don'’t give me my money.- Marla, dear,

just--just let me stop you
right there, all right?

Alimony does not
grow on trees.

...big loser.

-And I hate you, I don'’t know why I married you.-I just finished my new book.

The $5000 advance,

three grand has
your name on it.

-I want my money,
I want my alimony...
-Soon!

Oh, I know
your new boyfriend
is a police, but--

No, don'’t--

-At least, I went back to--
-You'’ll get your money!

I want my money,
I want my alimony,

and your--

Hi.

Go away.

- Stay close
to mummy!

Do you like pigeons?

Only if they'’re
properly cooked.

Go away.

Tell me a story.

I don'’t know any stories.

Sure you do.

Tell me a story
your daddy told you.

Please, please, please!

Then will you go away?

-Yes.
-Okay.

It'’s one
of my old man'’s favorites.

Once upon a time,
there was a horsey.

He was running in a race
and he lost.

That'’s why we're eating beans.

The end.

I don'’t get it.

I'’m trying to listen
to the radio.

- Why don'’t you go play with your mother?
- -Stop it.

-She'’s busy.
-Yeah, no wonder.

What is she on?
Some kinda fertility drug?

I don'’t know.

They'’re off and racing
as they get away...

Shut up, listen.

...on the outside
to grab the early lead.

Go, No Nemesis!

Go, go, go!

...move into the first turn,
they'’re head to head,

neck to neck and bite to bite.

-Yes! -as they go over the stretch.

No Nemesis,
Golden Ryan on the outside,

and No Nemesis
has pulled up short.

He slipped the course
and is running backwards!

And Golden Ryan
goes on to win it

with a track record of 155.

Followed by Polly'’s big can
and my last rites.

Gee, just like in your story.

Shit. Shit, goddammit!

Mummy, this is my new friend.

Hello.

We have to go now.

- Mom, who'’s that?
- -Just a strange man in the park.

Mummy, are you on
some kind of fertility drug?

A bagel a day
keeps the doctor away.

-Hello, Howard.
-Lou.

I finish a book,
I want to sell it.

I want to talk to my agent,
get his opinion.

Find out what kind of deal
you'’re gonna make for me.

Where do you take me?
A dump.

Bite your tongue.

Were you afraid you'’re
gonna have to pay?

I always have to pay.

You get 10% of my income.

Day in, day out.

Mostly day out.

What'’s wrong with this place?
The food'’s good.

The place has got atmosphere,
charm--

Who ordered
the onion bagel?

I'’m not deaf.
I can tell the difference

when someone says
onion bagel or egg bagel.

Now eat the onion bagel
or get out!

A bagel a day
keeps the doctor away.

-You read the manuscript?
-I read the manuscript.

I think it'’s the finest book
I'’ve ever written.

I agree.

Vance Kirby Draws a Blank.

I think the title
says, " Crossover."

I think we got a shot
at the New York Times
best-seller list.

Maybe even sell
the movie rights.

-Tell me I'’m wrong.
-You'’re wrong.

Wrong about what?
How am I wrong?

No Crossover?

No publisher.

What are you saying, Lou?
Don'’t mince words.

-The book sucks.
-Okay, mince words.

Howard, I warned you.

The market for this kind
of thing is gone.

Robbins Publishing
took the first three
Vance Kirby novels,

$5,000 advance each time.

There was a tax write-off.

This year, they'’d like
to make money.

-There are other publishers.
-Not for this.

Yeah?
You don'’t like the food here?

- Be calm. Order a bagel.
- Go across
to the other shop.

I don'’t want a bagel.
I hate bagels.

So what'’d you come for,
the scenery?

Shut up.

Howard, please.

I spent the last six months
of my life

trying to write this book.

-The research--
-What research?

You just don'’t write about
the sleazy underworld
that Vance moves in.

You gotta research it.

You go to the bars.
You go to the strip joints.

You familiarize yourself
with police procedures.

You mean, you drink with cops.

It'’s called fieldwork, Lou!

You think I enjoy drinking?

Okay, that'’s not the point.

The point is, I'’ve promised
$15,000 of my $5,000 advance.

By the way, you got
a hundred bucks I can have?

Let me guess.

A sure thing at the 310.

Howard, if you'’d saved
all the money you'’ve gambled--

Lou, you will never
replace my mother.

Though you'’re
marginally more feminine.

There are people out there

who are dying to know
what Vance Kirby will do next.

I'’ve got a cult following.

Suddenly, any group
under a hundred people
is a cult following?

Are you gonna sell the book?

I'’ll send it around.

Out of the goodness
of my heart,

I'’ll pay the postage.

But, Howard, take some advice
from an old man.

Write something else.

These days,
it'’s all self-help books.

In the old days,
you went to the toilet.

Now, first you buy a book.
Go figure.

You'’re not
dynamic anymore, Lou.

I was never dynamic.

Send the book around.

It was hot
when I brought it out.

- Excuse me. I'’m leaving.
- You should'’ve
eaten it faster.

Can I help you, sir?

You don'’t seem to have
any Vance Kirby novels
in stock.

Hmm.

I don'’t recall those.

Vance Kirby Meets the Major.

Vance Kirby Makes the Mark.

Vance Kirby Inherits Trouble.

Soon, the eagerly waited,

Vance Kirby Draws a Blank.

No, I'’m...

not familiar
with any of those.

Do you know the publisher?

Well, I believe
it'’s Robbins Publishing.

You might try finding it
at your local library.

"How to breathe correctly."
- Boys and girls,

I am pleased to introduce
the creator

of Terrible Tillie,
Theodora Winkle.

What is the name
of your child?

Theodora Winkle?
You must be joking.

Isn'’t she wonderful?

I never heard of her.
What'’s she written?

Oh, my gosh,
all the Terrible Tilliebooks.

Terrible Tilliebooks.
Of course.

After Chaucer and Dickens
those are my favorites.

What is
your child'’s name?

Excuse me.

Back off there, kid.

Hey, excuse me, excuse me.

Oh, what is the name
of your child?

I don'’t have a child.
Listen.

This kids'’ book stuff,

there'’s money in this?

I beg your pardon.

How many of these
do you sell?

Uh, well, the first book has
sold over half a million

and the second, third,
and fourth have only sold

about a quarter
of a million each...

so far.

Oh, is that all?

In this country.

Of course, there'’s the, uh,
French, German, Italian,

Spanish, Japanese editions.

No Hindi?

We'’re working on it.

Excuse me, but are you
buying a copy of this new book
or not?

Others are waiting.

"Terrible Tillie Goes Down
on the Farm."

Yeah, sounds terrific,
what the heck.

How much is it?
Two bucks, three?

Eight ninety five.

Eight ninety five?

Holy--
the royalties.

Six percent of... nine bucks.

Fifty-four cents,
half a million.

Excuse me, sir.
May I ring that up for you?

You know, I think
I'’ll just try to find this.

at my local library.

Quarter of a million dollars.

God only knows how many yen!

You'’re only allowed
to check out six.

Thank you.

Hey, you read, these...
these Terrible Tilliestuff?

Mm-hmm, they'’re great.

I'’ve been reading them
since I was little.

What'’s so great about 'em?

Well, first of all,
kids like Terrible Tillie

'’cause she's just like us.

And she makes up jokes
that grown-ups don'’t get,
but kids do.

And all the stories
go real fast,

so you never get bored.

-They take place in
interesting locations, and--
-All right, all right.

What are they teaching you
at kindergarten?
Literary criticism?

I'’m in the third grade.

You don'’t have to read here,
you know.

I think there'’s a section
for learning-challenged people

in the adult section.

Do you ever read
any detective novels?

-Uh-uh.
-You should try it.

I bet they got
some Vance Kirby books here.

- Really?
- I write those.

So, you know
what detectives do?

Sure. I was one
for a little while.

Did you find missing people?

Yeah. Wives mostly.

How much do you charge
to find somebody?

No, no, it was
a long time ago.

I'’m a writer now. I don't do
that kind of stuff anymore.

- Excuse me, sir.
- What?

- Stewart says you'’re eating...
- dog food.

Who'’s Stewart?

Oh. Well...

this isn'’t dog food.

Chopped liver sandwich.

I'’m sorry, sir.

There'’s no eating
or drinking in the library.

What do you want? A tip?

Ew!

I'’ll have to check
that bag for you.

You can pick it up
on your way out.

We have a special collection
for adults who are, um...

functionally illiterate.

- I am not
functionally illiterate!

I already told him that.

Mister.

Stop that. I came here
to read, not to socialize.

But I need you to help me.

What am I, a social worker?

Go read your book.

Shit!

Can'’t be more than
200 words in the whole thing!

Now what?

Stewart says you said...

the "s" word.

Oh. It'’s too bad you weren't
around in World War 2.

They could'’ve used you
in The Gestapo.

-I think you'’d better leave.
-Okay. Okay. Fine.

Can I check some of these out
to study at home?

You have to study them?
Will your mommy help you?

My mommy died last year.

Oh, God. It'’s okay.
She'’d had a full life.

Come with me, please.

Hmm.

I'’m telling you, Lou.
It'’s a cinch.

- It'’s a whole
different ball game.

What do you know
from children'’s books?

I'’ve been
studying them.

What do you mean,
what do I know?

You think Theodora Winkle
was ever married?

Much less, has children?

- Who?
- All right, never mind, Lou.
The damn things are short!

I can'’t even write that short.

Mine will be the epics
of the children'’s section.

You gotta have
a character.

I'’ve got a character.

Who?

Crafty Cow.

I hope
you'’re not serious.

Crafty Cow.

Days, she gives milk.
Nights, she'’s a detective.

Kids go to her
when they got problems
that can'’t be solved.

She uses deductive reasoning.
We'’ll make millions!

You want me to give up
what little reputation

I have left in this business?

The publishers will say,

"From Lou Gaddes I'’m getting
a book about a cow."

Look, Lou.

I live in a crummy apartment

which I can afford
only because
it'’s rent-controlled.

Yeah, that'’s right.

Five years ago,
my wife divorced me,

for which the judge saw fit
to award her massive alimony.

I drink too much.
I play cards too much.

I am making a pitiful attempt
to stop smoking too much.

My social life consists
of the occasional roll
in the hay

with a female mud-wrestler,
or the equivalent,

and I am $15,000 in debt!

One shred of consolation
in my life

was that I was
a writer of novels.

-Sure, detective novels,
but novels.
-Howard.

And then a few days ago,
you tell me that

not even that'’s gonna be
left for me anymore!

Well, I am not going back
to being a feature reporter

on a fourth-rate newspaper!

I am gonna write!

If that means going
with a goddamned cow,
then so be it,

but you gotta back me up, Lou.

- Yeah.
Give him a break, Lou.
- Thank you.

Yeah, come on.
Give him a break, Lou.

Hot dog.

If you write it,
I'’ll send it around.

Out of my own pocket,
I'’ll pay the postage.

But you better not
expect too much.

Even if they find a publisher,
you'’ll have to split
the money.

-With who?
-The illustrator.

They'’ll have to find somebody
to do the drawings,

the cartoons.

Split the money?

Hello. This is Howard Spitz.

Whoever you are,
I know I owe you money.

You'’ll get it back soon.

At the sound of the beep,
please don'’t bother me.

The gangster
was out of bullets.

But so was the cow.

Who knows from kids'’ books?

- Hi, kid.
Remember me?
- Uh-huh.

You used to be
a detective,

and now you'’re a writer.

Yeah.
And you love kids'’ books, you know all about them.

How would you like to read
a manuscript of a kids'’ book?

It'’s like a book,
but it'’s not a book yet.

It'’s just typed.

What for?

Well, you could
tell me what you like
about it,

what you don'’t like.

Give me a kid'’s viewpoint.

You mean,
like, do you a favor?

Well, I guess so, sorta.

Okay, and then you have
to do something for me.

What do you want?
To call your lawyer
and negotiate a contract?

This is a simple little thing.

I can get any kid here
to do it.

Why don'’t you get
Stewart to do it?

Who?

Look.
I want you to do it.

-I'’ll give you five bucks.
-I don'’t want any money.

I want you to find
my dad for me.

What do you mean,
find him?

Where is he?

Ah, If I knew that,
I wouldn'’t need you.

He went away
when I was a baby.

Well, actually,
before I was born.

Oh.

What does your mother
say about him?

She told me he was dead.

But last month, I heard her
talking to grandma,

and grandma said that
mom should track him down

and make him
pay child support,
and make him rot in jail.

You know,
it'’s entirely possible

I was married
to your grandmother
at one point.

So I told mom
I had heard,

and mom said she'’d fibbed.

And Dad'’s not dead,
but he'’s never coming back.

But I bet he wants to.

He just doesn'’t know
where we are,

because we moved
three times already
since then.

Yeah.

Look. You read this thing.
Tell me what you think.

I'’ll see what I can find out
about your daddy.

Deal?

Deal.

What?

I don'’t think you should have
Crafty Cow kicking
the little boy.

She only stuns him.

Okay, okay. I'’ll change it.

In this drawing, you have
the wrong number of handles

on Crafty Cow'’s thing.

Well, that'’s not a thing,
that'’s an udder.

Those aren'’t handles,
those are spigots.

Well,
it doesn'’t look right.

Hmm...

maybe I should have her wear
a trench coat.

So, what do you think
of the ending?

Well, I like it, but I think
you should change it.

Why?

Because parents like to buy
books that have happy endings.

So you think Crafty Cow
should clear the old man,

not send him to the slammer.

Uh-huh. It'’s corny,
but it'’ll sell.

I like the way you think.

-Are you sure you'’re a child?
-Uh-huh.

Now it'’s your turn
to keep our deal.

Oh!

Yes?

Yeah, my name'’s Howard Spitz.

I'’d like to have
a word with you.

-Who?
-Spitz. Howard Spitz.

Uh...

Could you open
the door, please?

Well, what is it?

Well, it'’s...
it'’s a little bit difficult out here.

Thank you.
Uh, it'’s about your husband.

-I don'’t have a husband.
-Well, all right.
Your ex-husband, then.

I don'’t have an ex-husband.

If you don'’t get your foot
out of my door,

-I'’m gonna call the police.
-Now, wait, wait,
just wait a minute.

You got a little girl, right?

That'’s it, that's it!

Look, I got a gun here,

and if you don'’t go away,
I'’m gonna use it.

A gun. Okay, let'’s be honest
with each other, lady.

I have no intention
of harming you,

and you do not have a gun.

Okay.

-I'’m off the case.
-How come?

Your mother tried to shoot me.

We had a burglary last year.

-She'’s kind of nervous.
-No kidding.

Didn'’t you tell her
I was coming by?

I tried to.

She doesn'’t like me
talking to strangers.

-She thinks you'’re
probably a pervert.
-Oh, great.

Didn'’t you tell her
I'’m not a pervert?

I wasn'’t sure what
a pervert was.

But when mom tried
to explain it,

you did fit
the general description.

Thank you. I'’m off the case.

We have a deal.

Look, you can talk to her
right now.

She'’s at the supermarket.

There'’ll be
lots of people there,

in case you'’re scared.

I am not scared.

-What supermarket?
-The one that way.

Excuse me.

You! Look, I told you
to leave us alone.

-I just wanna talk to you.
-I have a gun in my purse.

What did you do that for?

-Your gun.
-I was bluffing.

How was I
supposed to know that?

You threw away my purse!

- Are you all right?
- Something hit me.

- What happened?
- Unsafe stacking.

That'’s what happened.
I saw the whole thing.

This poor woman was beaned
by a can of soup.

Oh, I don'’t think
it was a can of soup.

If you people would worry
a little bit less

about your precious
profit margins,

a little bit more
about safety,

well, then, this just
wouldn'’t happen.

My God! There, you see?
It'’s happened again.

Come on, honey.
Let'’s get out of here.

This entire aisle
is a deathtrap.

I'’d sue if I were you.

Oh, yes. A can of soup hit me.

Oh, I'’m sorry.

All I knew was
some strange man

was talking to her
at the library.

You know, I didn'’t give her
a chance to explain.

But her father is not somebody
I want to talk about.

Hmm, me neither.

I told Samantha I'’d ask,
and I asked, so...

- Okay, bye.
- His name'’s Bill.

Bill McDonald.

He left me when I was
pregnant with Sam.

Turns out he'’s
already married.

Oh, well. Yep. Buh-bye.

We hadn'’t even known
each other that long.

Anyway, he freaked out
and left,

and I haven'’t heard a word
from him since.

-I told her he was dead.
-Uh-huh. So long.

Now she'’s got this thing
in her mind.

If only her dad were around,

life would be
peaches and cream.

She'’s obsessed by it.

It'’s all she talks about,
all she thinks about.

At school,
she'’s neglecting her homework,

and all she does is daydream.

- Well-- -You know, I have done my best.
- Really.

You know, maybe I haven'’t
spent enough time
with Sam but--

And you'’ve got no idea
where he is?

Someone said he moved
to California,

but I don'’t even know
if that'’s true.

If Sam could write to him,
maybe he'’d write back,

and that would put
her mind at rest.

What do you think?

Look. I'’ve got some contacts
with the police department.

You gimme what you got,

I'’ll see if I can find
an address on him.

If that doesn'’t work out,
I could always tell her

that I found out
he really is dead.

Well, I wouldn'’t wanna put you
in the position

of lying to a little girl.

- I don'’t mind lying
to a little girl.

Oh, back off, lady.
Mind your own business.

You call these samples?
Where are your samples?

Where are
your samples?

Oh, get a hold
of yourself.

My God, this whole store'’s
a disgrace.

Hey, George.
Malt whiskey.

Long time no see, Howard.

-What you writing
these days?
-Oh, Crafty Co--

Nothing.

Nothing much
really right now.

There'’s my man.

Ted. Good to see you, man.

Thanks for coming.

Uh, George, give Ted
some scotch here, will you?

Okay, what you got for me?

Well, I ran
a check on him.

He'’s been living in LA.

That'’s his address,
but there'’s no
listed phone number.

Thanks. I owe you one.

So you gettin'’ back into
the private eye business?

-No. Just doing a favor
for a friend.
-Ah.

-A kid and her mother.
-The mother'’s
really beautiful?

Come to think of it, yeah.

It'’s not that way, though.

First thing she did
was pull a gun on me.

They don'’t usually do that
to you till the second date.

Well, I gotta get home.

- Thanks, pal.
- See ya.

Excuse me.

-Have you ever heard
of Crafty Cow?
-No.

You two have
a lot in common.

Oh, God. I'’m so lonely.

Here'’s Bill's address.

Oh, I don'’t know
whether to give it to her
or not.

It'’s so hard to know
what to do with kids.

I think
boarding school'’s the answer.

Ship '’em off
when they'’re five.

Let '’em come back when they're
old enough to play poker

and get drunk with you.

The kid wants a father.
Why don'’t you get married?

I should select someone
at random?

No, but you'’re
not bad lookin'’.

You relax that trigger finger
of yours,

you could probably get
some guy to like ya.

Well, thank you!

If it'’s all the same to you,
if I do get married,

it'’s gonna be to somebody
I'’m in love with.

- All right, if you
want to be picky.

Didn'’t you love your wife?

Yeah. She left anyway.

-Oh, I'’m sorry.
-I'’m over it.

I have an idea.

Why don'’t you talk to her?

She only communicates
through her lawyer.

No. Sam.

Maybe you could talk
some sense into her.

-Me?
-Yeah.

She actually likes you.

She does?

She does.

-Go on.
-Ugh.

Go, go, go.

Go on.

Sam.

What'’s so important about

finding your old man
anyway, huh?

Because all the other kids
have fathers.

And I'’m sure
he misses me,

and if he could see me,
then everything would
be all right.

Well, what'’s not
so all right right now?

I mean, you got clothes,
you got a nice place to live,

you got a nice mother.

Yes, but it'’s not the same
as if I had a father.

Well, listen, Samantha.

Sometimes things
aren'’t exactly the way
we want '’em to be.

Oh, life is still wonderful.

Just because some things
aren'’t the way we think
we'’d like them to be, uh,

you gotta leave some room
open for, you know,

well, for surprises.

Where did you
get that?

Cosby Showrerun.
His kid fell for it.

Okay, okay.
Here. Feed the ducks.

So, what if you
do find your old man?

What do you think'’s
gonna happen?

We'’d go places
like the zoo,

and he'’d call me
his little princess,

and all that other corny stuff
that dads do.

He would?

Sure. Maybe even
buy me a pony.

You live in an apartment.

Isn'’t there something
in the lease about no ponies?

We'’d keep him in a stable,

and I'’d go
riding him every day.

You don'’t even know
how to ride.

I'’d learn.

When would you find the time?
You gotta go to school.

I'’d learn even if I had to
get up at 5:00 in the morning,

every day before school.

-You would not.
-Would to.

Would not.

-Did you want a pony
when you were little?
-No.

I wanted
a Red Ryder air rifle.

Red Ryder was a cowboy
in this comic book.

They had this air rifle,
looked just like a real rifle.

I wanted one so bad.

-Did your dad get you one?
-No.

He used to pretend
I was Red Ryder.

He was tough.

Nothing stupid
like the Lone Ranger

wearing a mask all the time.
Gimme a break.

He certainly didn'’t sing
like that sissy Gene Autry.

God. Gene Autry didn'’t even
look like a cowboy.

He looked like an accountant.

Red Ryder.

Hey.

So, have you, uh,
you know, talked?

Yeah, sure.

Good.

Uh, good. So, Sam,

can you tell me
what you and Mr. Spitz
have decided on?

- Yes.
- Uh-huh.

When we find Dad,

he'’s gonna buy Mr. Spitz
a Red Ryder air rifle.

This is his address.

A Red Ryder air rifle?

With repeating action
and a decal of red
on the stock.

Oh, well.
That'’s different.

- A bagel a day keeps the doctor away.
-So?

So, I heard
from Primrose Press.

- They'’re the number one children'’s publishers.
- -And?

And they'’ll publish
the book.

Ah, that'’s wonderful.

They want to publish the book.

Celebrate.
Order something expensive.

They even like the drawings.

They said they had
naive charm.

They do have naive charm.
How much?

They said the idea
of a series

of detective books
for children was
innovative and exciting.

I think there are a lot
of drugs being used

in the publishing industry
these days.

You said, "A series"?

They want half a dozen
Crafty Cowbooks.

Well, that'’s terrific.
How much?

10,000 now, another 5,000
per book as an advance.

Ten, five times five,
25, 35,000--

Maybe more, if there are
toys or a cartoon series.

Toys and cartoons?
I love it. Waitress!

-Champagne.
-We have seltzer water.

All right. Seltzer water
for everybody, on me.

Ha. Seltzer water.
Yeah.

Sign here.

And here.

I told you
I'’ll be with you--

God forgive me
for what we'’re doing
to their young minds.

You know, Lou,
you should be happy for me.

Hell, you should be happy
for yourself.

This could be ten percent
of a lot of money for you.

I'’m happy,
I'’m happy.

It'’s just that this is
the first big deal
I'’ve had in ten years,

and it'’s from a cow.

Publishing was never like this

when F. Scott Fitzgerald
submitted his work to me.

I didn'’t know
you represented Fitzgerald.

I didn'’t. I told him he should
forget about writing novels.

Oh. I had that story
the wrong way.

-I thought
you turned down Hemingway.
-Him I turned down too.

Well, you didn'’t turn down
Crafty Cow.

Somehow this fails
to console me.

-Sign this too.
-What is it?

It'’s a promotions agreement.

It says you'’ll make
personal appearances
to hype the book.

Oh. Sure. Why not?

What, interviews about
how I write?

Maybe guest lectures
at literary conferences?

Signings at the kids'’ sections
of bookstores, maybe.

Wait a minute.

Are you saying
I'’ll have to appear
where there are children?

When you write
about a detective cow,

you don'’t get on panels
with Norman Mailer.

Finish signing.

You only put down a Howard.
We need a Spitz.

Lou, I'’m not good
with children.

Children cry when they see me.
Vice versa.

Think of them as midgets.

- They don'’t call 'em midgets anymore, Lou.
- -Huh?

They'’re called little people.

I like little people.
You can drink with them.

I dated a little woman
for a while.

Oh, please, don'’t go
into details.

You don'’t sign that paper,
there'’s no deal.

Thirty five thousand dollars.

Spitz.

What is this role exactly?

Uh, you'’d be playing
a kids'’ book author.

What'’s my motivation?

Fifty bucks per half day.

You'’re, you're talking to me
about money?

I'’m talking about
my instrument.

There'’s no music involved.

Buh-bye.

Commercials, dinner theater.

Guest shot on L.A. Law,
Very good.

I was a psychopath.

I wouldn'’t mention that
at job interviews
if I were you.

I mean, on L.A. Law.

I attacked Sifuentes
and tore the earring
right out of his ear.

Highly commendable.

I like children a lot.

Good resume, Roger.

-Do you like kids?
-Oh, yeah. Yeah.

I got three of my own.
You wanna see pictures?

-No.
-No, you wouldn'’t want--

Tell me. How do you feel
about method acting?

Look, I, uh,
I don'’t get it, really.

You know, it'’s kind of, whew.

How'’s, uh, fifty bucks a day?

The money doesn'’t matter.
My wife works.

You'’re hired.

This is what
hell must be like.

But this is your public.

You know, I think
when I finish
the Crafty Cowseries,

I'’m gonna retire.

Do some serious writing.

I think I got a great novel
inside of me.

Do the world a favor.
Keep it inside.

Thank you.

A rejection from you
almost guarantees
I'’ll be a success.

Stand by, studio. Going on air in three, two...

Hi, kids. Ronnie Relish here.

Oh, time for our part
of the show.

Why don'’t you go join
the other kids?

You know, her teacher
called me at work today.

She'’s not paying
attention at all.

She just waits for the day
to be over

so she can run home and see
if there'’s been a letter.

Oh, Howard.

-Are we making
things worse?
-"We"?

You know,
we'’ve got a real special
treat for you today.

Oh, this is the--
Roger.

- Roger, Laura.
Laura, Roger.

The man who wrote it

is here to read a bit of it
for us.

Let'’s welcome him.
Mr. Howard Spitz!

That'’s you.

Don'’t!

Hi.

Hi.

Hello, Mr. Spitz.

"Hi. My name is Crafty Cow.

That'’s a picture of me.
I drew it myself."

Yeah. Uh, you might want to--

Oh, yeah. That'’s the cow.

-I hope he can handle this.
-He'’s a professional.

The man can hug a child
without recoiling.

"And so...

Crafty freed the old man,
and she said,

'’I know you're innocent.

I believe in you
even if nobody else does.'’"

- Aww.
- That'’s true!

-Isn'’t that wonderful?
-It'’s wonderful.

I love this man.

You know, we were gonna
show you another cartoon,

but instead, let'’s have
a chat with the creator
of Crafty Cow.

Kids, do you have
some questions for Mr. Spitz?

What does he know
from Crafty Cow?

Uh, don'’t worry,
he'’ll bullshit
his way through it.

You got a question.

Yeah. Over there. Tell us
your name and your question.

My name is Lionel,
and my question is,
Mr. Spitz,

how did you come up
with the idea of Crafty Cow?

Good question, Lionel.

Well, Mr. Spitz, how did you
come up with the idea

of a cow who'’s a detective?

Uh, maybe you didn'’t hear
Lionel'’s question.

What we'’re wondering
is how you came up

with the idea
of a detective cow.

Damn it!

Uh,
well, well, there were
crayons involved.

And, uh, well, I...

what--what it was really was,
was just, uh...

what-- what it boils down
to simply, you know, is...

Just bullshit.

And we have to take
a little break now.

-What the hell'’s
the matter with you?
-I didn'’t know what to say!

Just make something up!

I can'’t work without a script,
I freeze up.

I have never been good
at improvisation.

When they come back
from commercial,

you'’re gonna tell them
exactly how you came up
with the idea of Crafty Cow.

I am? How?

You were driving
in the countryside,
a lovely cow mooed at you,

and that'’s when
you got the idea.

-Oh, gosh. That'’s nice.
-Thank you.

Know what I'’m gonna do?
I'’m gonna improvise.

- Yeah, yeah, I will
make you so proud of me.

Stand by to go on air.

Okay. He'’ll be fine now.

Oh, what a tangled web
we weave

when first we practice
to deceive.

Bite me.

I saw a lovely cow
that mooed at me in a field,

and that'’s how I came up
with the idea of Crafty Cow.

Great!

Uh, is there
any other questions?

Yes. The young lady
over there.

My name'’s Lily.
Do you like real cows?

Another good question.

Well, Mr. Spitz,
do you like cows?

Yes.

Quite a bit.

I like cows a lot.

You know, I admire cows.

That'’s interesting.
Why do you admire them?

Why? Well...

well, because,
you know why?

Because they'’re--they're cows.

And, and you gotta
admire that.

That'’s something
you gotta admire right there
because cows, um...

give us milk.

And milk makes us
big, strong, and tall.

Doesn'’t it, boys and girls?

Great answer.
He'’s gonna be all right.

Great.

Is there anything else
you like about cows?

There'’s nothing better
than a big, thick,
juicy steak.

No, no, no.

- I like mine rare.
- Cue cartoons.

I guess we do have time
to see a little bit
of that cartoon after all.

Okay. I admit,

I admit that steak wasn'’t,
you know, the best choice,

but in improv class,
they tell you to go with

the first thing
that comes to mind.

If I go with
the first thing
that comes to mind,

your children will be orphans.

Oh, for cryin'’ out loud.

Oh, boy.

The moving experience, yeah?
The moving experience.

What did you do
to get out of this junk?

Win the lottery or what?

Oh, okay.
Come on, come on.

Oh, oh, no. Oh!

For Pete'’s sake, you know,
I gotta sleep on this thing.

All right. There you go.
Come on, come on.

- I read your manuscript.
- -Oh, good.

I don'’t think the puppy
should be a Rottweiler.

Then why would
the neighbor suspect

- that he might rip
the little boy'’s arm off?

- Anything else?
- No.

Otherwise, it'’s actually
pretty good.

Try to keep that note
of surprise out of your voice.

Oh.

Truck'’s leaving.
You coming or what?

So, you said
you had some news.

-I got a letter.
-You did?

Well, that'’s, that's great.
What did it say?

"Dear little princess,
I'’m sorry we've lost touch
all these years.

I do love you,
and I think of you often.

If I could, I would buy you
lots of presents.

Even a pony,
if you wanted one.

The way most little girls
seem to.

But the truth is

that I am doing
some very important work

for the government,

and my identity has to be
kept a secret.

I will not be able
to write again,

but I will
think of you every day.

Be good, and listen
to your mother.

Your loving Daddy."

Well, that is a great letter.

So what do you think
he does, huh?

Think he'’s a spy
or something, huh?

Don'’t you think?

-Wanna see the letter?
-Sure.

Notice how the "O'’s" are all
a little higher than
the other letters?

Are they? Oh.
So they are.

Just like the pages
of your story.

Wow! What a coincidence.

Wait a minute.
Do you think--

Samantha, I did not
write this letter.

-You'’re lying.
-I am not lying.

Do you think
I'’m the kind of man

who would lie
to a little girl?

Yes.

Well, that hurts me
very deeply.

I can tell when you'’re lying.

Your eyes get all buggy.

Have you been talking
to my ex-wife?

Oh, what the heck.

All you'’ve got
is circumstantial evidence
anyway.

So what?
We got similar typewriters.

It'’s postmarked
from just down the street!

Ah. We'’re here.

Wow. Crafty Cow
bought you this house?

Ha-ha. Show-off.

Nice drivin'’, by the way.

Just, uh...

- Just be...
- be careful with that thing.

It'’s a valuable antique.

Well, oh, oh, all right.

Never mind.
Just keep going.

Don'’t drop it.

Here, here.
Earn your money.

Sam?

Listen.

-I was only trying to help.
-I know you meant well.

Okay, that'’s it.

Well, it'’s been wonderful.

-Tipping is allowed.
-That'’s good to know.

- Hey.
- Hey, hey.

Let'’s go look at the ocean.

Tipping is allowed.
Tipping'’s allowed. Hey!

You know, Sam,

maybe he never even
got the letter.

You know, maybe he moved,

didn'’t leave
a forwarding address.

The person who lives there now
just threw the letter away.

That does happen, you know?

Yeah, but maybe...

maybe he did get the letter

and he just doesn'’t
wanna know me.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Sam?

Look. You just,
just stop that!

That'’s--
No crying allowed.

All right, all right. Look,
I know this guy
in Los Angeles.

If he'’s not in the slammer,

I'’ll get him to see
if your dad still lives
at that address.

Okay?

Thanks, Mr. Spitz.

I knew you'’d like me.

Who said I like you?

You and me are friends.

Let go of my arm.

♪ Who needs spring
To fall in love ♪

♪ All I need is you

♪ Who needs lambs

♪ And daffodils and swings

Hi.

Hi.

- Nice place.
- Thank you.
Do you like plants?

No.

Don'’t really care much
for nature.

I like to think of it as
God'’s first pass.

Then He thought about it
for a bit,

and then He gave us gunpowder
and prestressed concrete.

-Howard, you'’re hopeless.
-Yeah.

It'’s still a nice place,
though.

You should have seen it.

It was this hole-in-the-wall.
And now look.

-It'’s like this little oasis.
-How long you had it?

Well, just after Sam was born,

my mom helped me
get the lease and fix it up.

She wanted to help me out,
and she thought it'’d be

a great place to meet
a husband.

-It'’s hard work though, huh?
-Oh, 12-hour days.

I used to keep a crib
in the back for Sam.

I admire hard work.

I don'’t do it,
but I admire it.

You know what?
I love it.

Oh, there are times
when I could scream.

There are times
when I do scream.

But I like knowing
that I'’ve done it on my own.

You ready? Your chariot
and footmen await.

-Chariot and footmen?
-Well, an Armenian in a cab.

Wow.

You are really ready.

Thank you.

Bonsoir.

Your first night here?
- Uh, yeah.

I thought so.

My name is Jean-Pierre.

I will be your waiter,
and I will be serving you.

Oh, well, this is Laura.
My name is Howard.

We will be your customers.

We will be tipping you.
Maybe.

Oh, thank you.

Let me know if I can
help you with the French.

I should'’ve written
to Bill first, you know?

Check out whether he was
willing to write to Sam.

You blame yourself
for everything?

Don'’t you
ever do that?

No.

You knock yourself a lot.

Just trying to beat the rush.

-Have we decided?
-Actually, yes, we have.

-You go ahead.
-Okay, um...

I'’d like
the small dinner salad

with, uh, oil
and vinaigrette dressing,

and, the coq au vin
and a glass
of white wine, dry.

-Thank you.
-Very good, madame.

And does monsieurknow
what he wants?

Uh, yeah, monsieur
will have...

a glass of white wine,

a salad with French dressing
and a hamburger.

Monsieur, monsieur,
La foret des choux
do not serve hamburger.

Well, does la foret des choux
serve steak tartar?

-Of course.
-Great.

Bring me that, then.
You can do that immediately.

Don'’t bother waiting
on the coq au vin.

Go away!

We'’ll stay, thanks.

- Monsieur'’ssteak tartar.
-Oh, great. Thanks.

Uh-huh.

Thank you.

Just a second.

All right, now,

take this to the chef
and have him broil it.

- Medium well,
and then bring it back.

Just think of it
as a growth experience.

You know, this really isn'’t
my kind of joint.

Am I embarrassing you a lot?

♪ I was walking along
Minding my business ♪

♪ When out of
An orange-colored sky ♪

♪ Flash, bam, and alakazam

♪ Wonderful you came by

♪ I was hummin'’ a tune
And drinkin'’ in sunshine ♪

♪ When out of
That orange-colored view ♪

♪ Flash, bam, alakazam

♪ I got a look at you

God, it'’s cold!

♪ One look
And I yelled timber ♪

Miss Winkle?
- Yes?

I'’m Lloyd Carmichael,
the associate producer
with the show.

I thought you might like
some herbal tea
to help you relax.

How nice.

What kind is it?

It'’s our own
special blend.

Most refreshing.

Lovely.

I'’ll just leave you
with the pot.

You have as much as you like.

Make your way to Studio 3.

That'’ll fix her.

-This has caffeine in it.
-Good.

My coat.

What'’s wrong with caffeine?

One of the four
major food groups.

It'’s bad for your system.

And evidence suggests
it causes premature aging.

Oh, I'’ve been drinking coffee
since I was ten.

I rest my case.

- You ready?
- Yep, yep, yep, yep.

Uh, no steaks,
no foot and mouth disease,

- no thing unpleasant.
- Sam.

Okay, everybody,
we'’re ready here
on the studio floor.

And, I have a cow tie.

Three, two...

Good morning, good morning,
good morning.

Oh, this is
good tea.

Welcome to
Breakfast with Red Allen
and friends,

coming to you live.

This morning we'’ll be having
coffee and a chat

with a very well-established
children'’s author.

Mm-hmm.

And one who'’s
just starting out

with a hot new book.

Welcome Theodora Winkle
and Howard Spitz.

Thank you.

As you all know,
Theodora is the creator

of the Terrible Tillieseries
of books,

which have been translated
into many languages.

Including Hindi.

I think the old broad'’s
been at the cooking sherry.

Lou, how could you
think such a thing
of Theodora Winkle?

I love this tea.

And Mr.
Spitz has created the hottest new character

in children'’s books.

Crafty Cow,
the bovine detective.

He'’s actually been outselling
Terrible Tillie two to one.

Crafty Cow
is no Terrible Tillie,
that'’s for sure.

I mean, she'’s a damned cow.
Ooh! Pardon my French.

By the way,

is that a toupee
or what?

Well, I ...

I sense
a little rivalry here, Howard.

What can I say, Red?

Crafty and I have been
raised to respect our elders,

but this lady here
has given...

years of entertainment
to millions of children.

That'’s my boy.

When did you first start
writing for children?

When my husband left me.

He ran off with his secretary.

The bas--

May you both rot in hell.

Well, now,
getting back to Crafty Cow--

Oh, f-- Crafty Cow.

- Commercials.
- -And I think it'’s time we break for a commercial.

I just got off the phone
with Primrose Press.

They loved the show!

They said it'’s gonna
get us more publicity
than money can buy.

And they want you to go to
a big book fair in LA next.

The cow is up for
The Golden Spectacles Award.

-Must have been a slow year.
-Yeah.

How much prize money?

-Oh, there'’s no prize money.
-No?

But the Primrose Press guy
says that if you win,

it'’ll triple the sales
of the books.

- Oh. Great. When do they
make the announcement?

Well, there'’s an awards dinner

following the last night
of the book fair.

-Black-tie.
-Oh, I hate dressing up.

-Well, you won'’t
be dressing up.
-Oh.

Roger will be dressing up.

- Oh. Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.

Better wait for his public.

Oh, I love
signing autographs, huh?

Oh. But don'’t worry.

No matter how big I get,
I will not forget

the little people
who helped me
on the way up.

Thank you.

Jealous?

Don'’t be ridiculous.

I can see it in your eyes.

The man has the IQ of a grape.

You know, I'’m the one
killing myself

to kinda make sure he can
complete a sentence.

He'’s getting
all the attention.

You got yourself into this.

It should have been yourself
on TV all along.

All you would'’ve had to do
is get a shave
on a regular basis,

a haircut, maybe a face-lift.

I know I got myself
into this.

A little understanding.
Is that too much too ask for?

A little compassion?

Well, I tried to advise you,

-but do you listen? Never.
-I listen.

Then I take into account
your track record.

You tell me to do something,
I do the opposite.

- Uncle Howard?
- Don'’t criticize me.

What have you done
with your life?

Now suddenly you'’ve got money
and you'’re still a slob.

-You'’re calling me a slob?
-Because you are a slob.

-Excuse me.
-You'’ve got money and success,
so make a life for yourself.

What have you done
to improve your life?

I moved!

You turned an ocean-view
real estate into a slum.

-That'’s progress?
-Uncle Howard?

I don'’t think this is
the best time to talk
to Uncle Howard, dear.

-But I need to ask
him something.
-Later.

I thank God you turned down
F. Scott Fitzgerald.

He would'’ve drank himself
to death a lot sooner

if you'’d been his agent.

-Hack!
-Parasite!

Maybe you'’re right.

♪ Even though
The darkest clouds
Are in the sky ♪

♪ You mustn'’t sigh
And you mustn'’t cry ♪

♪ Spread a little happiness
As you go by ♪

♪ Just try

♪ What'’s the use of worrying
Or feeling blue ♪

♪ Days are long
Keep on smiling through ♪

♪ Spread a little happiness
And dreams come true ♪

Are you and Mr.
Gaddes mad at each other?

Lou and me?
No, why?

Because you were
yelling at each other.

If we didn'’t
have an argument
at least once a month,

he'’d think I didn't
like him anymore.

Wasn'’t that fun?

If you don'’t mind,
from now on,

I would like to try to keep
all my internal organs

in roughly,
their correct position.

-One cotton candy.
-I like these rides.

Maybe when we'’re
in Los Angeles,

we can go on a studio tour.

You and your mother
are going to Los Angeles?

Yes. With you.

Did I miss something here?

You'’re going to the book fair
and the TV show, right?

-They'’re both
in Los Angeles.
-Wait a minute.

-And so is my dad, see?
-Hold it.

A letter is one thing,
but if I could talk to him...

I said,
just hold it.

I am going to Los Angeles.

You are not going
to Los Angeles.

At least not with me.

Thank you.

You want to hitchhike,
you go right ahead.

But if I could talk to him,
and he could talk to me,

then I'’d know we'll get along.

You can'’t know somebody
just from a letter.

I'’m forming words here,
mostly one word.

-That word is "no."
-Balloon for the little lady?

Go away.

Hey, mack, lighten up.
They'’re two bucks. It's two--

-What a grouch!
-He'’s under a lot
of pressure right now.

If it'’s the money,
I'’ll pay you back.

- With what?
- My allowance.

I get a dollar a week.

I'’ll pay you with interest.

What kind of interest?

No! It'’s not about the money.

What, then? I'’ll behave.
You won'’t even know I'm there.

That'’s right.
Because you won'’t be there.

Okay.

-Okay?
-Okay.

Okay?

On the way home,
can we stop somewhere?

Sure, where?

- The Daily News.
-What for?

Somebody there might be
interested in how you get

a man to pretend
he'’s you on TV.

Do you really think anybody
at The Daily News

is gonna be interested
in a piddly little story
like that?

Yes. It has
lots of human interest.

Greed. Deception.

I can'’t believe this!
I am surrounded by vipers.

Bad enough I got to deal
with that moron, Roger.

Now you'’re threatening me?

Does everybody hate me?

Wouldn'’t surprise me.

I don'’t hate you.
Actually, I like you.

We could have lots of fun
on the studio tour.

We are not going
on a studio tour.

That'’s okay.

We can just go to the beach.

You know what they call this?
They call this blackmail.

-You know that?
-Uh-huh.

You are a vile little girl.

You are gonna end up
in a reform school.

I know you don'’t mean that.

You will be
in a women'’s penitentiary
by the time you'’re 18!

You don'’t have to go
on the studio tour with me.

Probably my dad
will want to take me.

Just the two of us.

Listen.

There is no way your mother'’s
gonna let you go to LA with me.

You mean, if she said okay,
you'’d do it?

Sure, sure.

But there'’s no way.

So Uncle Howard said
that if it'’s okay with you,

that he'’ll take me
to California,

and then I'’ll know
whether or not

my dad really wants
to know me.

Don'’t even think about it!

I am not the kind of person
to be entrusted with a child.

I drink. I smoke.

Well, I quit smoking,
but I think about it
every damn day.

I play poker to all hours
of the night.

Well, I wouldn'’t suggest
you play poker with Sam,

because she'’ll clean you out.
I taught her myself.

- You play poker?
- Yes.

Forget about poker!

-The point is I am not--
-Howard, I can see
right through you.

You are a very nice man,

and you would protect
this child'’s life
with your own.

Well, that'’s slander.
I am not a very nice man.

See? We trust you,
Uncle Howard.

You do?

Well, then...

Well, then,
why don'’t you come too?

Look, if...
if it'’s the money,

I'’ll...
I'’ll pay for the ticket.

You'’d do that?

Well, let'’s call it
a long-term loan.

I don'’t wanna see Bill.

But maybe I should
go along, huh?

Just in case things
don'’t turn out so well.

Oh.

Oh, no, no, no.

-Oh, God!
-Thanks, Uncle Howard.

Oh.

I want to go look
through my dresses.

I want to look pretty
for my dad.

This is insane.

Has it occurred to you
that her father may not
even want to see her?

He hasn'’t answered
her letter.

Hasn'’t it occurred to you that
this might break her heart?

Yes, it'’s occurred to me!

It'’s also occurred to me
that she won'’t give up

until she finds out,
one way or another.

There'’s no easy way
out of this.

This is moral blackmail.

You'’re a lot
like your kid, lady.
You know that?

I don'’t like you.

Yes, well, the fact is,
you like me very much.

And fortunately,

the feeling is mutual.

When did I lose control
of my life?

When?

Primrose is arranging
for a guy to dress up
as a cow.

They got the press lined up.

They'’re pushing for
international editions.

I'’ll tell you, Howard,

getting into kids'’ books
is the best decision
we ever made.

"We"?

Don'’t begrudge me
a little credit, Howard.

You hated the idea!

So, Howard, what do you
want from me?

Want from you?

I can'’t invite
my agent to dinner
without wanting something?

-No.
-I want you to come
to Los Angeles with me.

-Me?
-Yeah, you. You'’re my agent.

We'’re in this thing together.
I want you along.

Ah, you'’re nervous about
being out there alone

with Laura and the kid.

I'’m not nervous, Lou.

I won'’t be alone.
Roger will be there.

Roger.

Look, it'’ll give you a chance
to take a break, you know?

-You never take breaks.
-Yeah, I take breaks.

When my wife was still alive,

we went to the Grand Canyon.

-It was great, right?
-For a hole, it was
very large.

Come on. Weren'’t you
the one saying life is
supposed to be enjoyed?

Oh, so you'’re paying.

Okay.

- Okay. I'’ll pay.
- Eat the egg roll,
or get out.

Here'’s your prawn crackers.

I'’m ready, Bunny's ready.

Let'’s go.

Didn'’t you used to go out with
a woman named Bunny?

Bunny'’s my favorite
tea-time friend.

I wanna see if Dad
wants to know.

Oh, there we go.

Now, Sam,
there'’s one reminder.

- Your father may not--
- Save your breath,
I'’ve said it all.

-Your car is here, sir.
-Thank you.

I got us a limo
to take us to the airport.

-Wow, that must be expensive.
-It certainly is.

That'’s why you all
owe me $17.50 each.

- What?
- I'’m not
owing you $17.50.

Awful lotta sun.

♪ Things are lookin'’ up ♪

♪ I'’ve been
Lookin'’ the landscape over ♪

♪ And it'’s covered
With four-leaf clover ♪

♪ Oh, things are lookin'’ up ♪

♪ Since love looked up at me

♪ Bitter was my pill

♪ But no more
Will I be the mourner ♪

Wow.

♪ For I'’d certainly turned
The corner ♪

♪ Oh, things are lookin'’ up ♪

No wonder they got
so many damn raisins
in this state!

It'’s number 342.

Yeah?

Oh, there it is.
On the right.

No car. Maybe he'’s out.

Yeah. Yeah.

Let'’s go.

I don'’t think anybody's home.

Should we wait?

Oh, no, I don'’t really think
we should, Sam.

I'’ll tell you what.

I'’ll leave him a note,
tell him where he can find us.

Thank you very much.

There we go.

You know what, Sam?

I don'’t think we got time

to go to one of
those studio tours.

How '’bout we go
to the beach instead?

Really? Can we?

You hate the beach.

If you hate the beach,
we don'’t have to go.

I love the beach.

Come on, get in the car.
We'’ll go get your mom.

I love the beach.

Lou, what factor
is this stuff I'’m wearing?

Five hundred.

Howard, do you know
what the point of
going to the beach is?

There is no point.

Thousands of years
of evolution occurred

so that people wouldn'’t
have to sit naked
in the sand.

The point of going
to the beach
is to have fun.

-Does that word
mean anything to you?
-No.

For God'’s sake, go throw
the ball around with the kids.

Aw, jeez.

- You go throw the ball.
- Gimme the ball.

These days for me,
checkers is a strain.

You don'’t wanna have to carry
a dead body back to the car.

Besides...

I'’m not the one
she calls "Uncle."

Uncle Howard,
come on.

All right.
I'’ll go.

Come on, Uncle Howard!

But I won'’t enjoy it.

Come on.

Come on, try it. Hey!

You didn'’t catch it.

Come on, catch it.

Come and see
Captain Pugwash, scholastic books, level two.

He'’s not coming?

What do you mean,
he'’s not coming?
I need him here.

Things are going to start.
I'’ve got kids here.

- Howard.
-Do you know what this is going to do to us

if he doesn'’t show up?

-How'’s it goin'?
-Oh, great.

Except for that guy
from Primrose Press.

Very upset.
That'’s him, that's him.

It'’s a catastrophe.

What? What?

The actor who was supposed
to play Crafty Cow
hasn'’t shown up.

I called the agency,
and they don'’t have
any idea where he is.

Who...
who are you?

Howard Spitz'’s
personal manager.

This is Laura and Sam,
our floral consultants.

And this is Lou,
his agent.

Lou, we'’ve talked
on the phone.

-We'’re all dead.
-Huh?

What is the big deal?

The big deal is that
we have people here from
all of the major papers.

They brought their kids
to be photographed
with Crafty Cow.

Do you know
what kinda publicity

we'’re going to get if their
kids go home disappointed?

-Have some other guy
wear the cow suit.
-It starts in ten minutes.

Where am I going
to find someone?

...runny nose, report to
information right away.

-It'’s too big!
-Oh, come on.
It'’s fabulous on you.

It'’s too big.
I'’m the writer.

It'’s too big for me too,
or I'’d do it.

Oh, yeah, me too. Way big.

It looks like
it'’s about your size.

Oh, who asked you?

- It'’ll sell a lot of books.
-She'’s right.

It'’ll look great on ya.

Wait a minute.

It'’s perfect.
You pose with the kids,
you moo a little.

No way!

Then we'’re finished.

Bad reviews from these people
is going to cost us big bucks.

-Tens of thousands.
-Tens of thousands?

If not, more.

Would you like
a hot dog?

Get your picture taken
with Crafty Cow.
Come to booth 12.

Oh, yeah, what a joy.

- Could you maybe
skip a little?

- Do a little dance?
- -Don'’t push your luck!

Come on.

Come on. Oh, oh, no.

Oh, hurry it up.
He'’s leakin'.

Mr. Spitz, there'’s someone
asking to see you.

He'’s over
by the hot dog stand.

I think I'’m busy.

It'’s a Mr. McDonald.
Bill McDonald.

Bill McDonald?
Never heard of him.
Ta-ta.

I'’ll take care of it. Here.

Lead the way, kid.

Hot dogs, hot dogs.

You want a hot dog?

That'’ll be $1.79.

Hot dog, please.

- Howard Spitz?
- $1.79.

Are you
Bill McDonald?

Look, I came because
I didn'’t want you
coming to my house again.

Thank you for coming.

But why didn'’t you
answer Sam'’s letter?

I was scared.

You know,
this isn'’t about money.

I know
it'’s not about money.
I wish it was.

I don'’t have much,
but I'’d give 'em
what I have.

- All Sam wants--
- I know what she wants.

She wants me to say
she'’s my kid.

She wants me to be...

Kelly,
age 6, is at information,
looking for her parents.

Would you report in?

I'’ve got a wife.
Kids.

My marriage is not
in great shape.

If my wife found out
about this...

make something up.

Tell her I died.

Tell her whatever it will take

to make her give up
on this, okay?

It'’d be better for her too.

I'’m sorry.

I don'’t want to see Samantha.

I don'’t have anything
to give her.

It'’s your loss.

She'’s a pretty wonderful kid.

I'’m sorry.

So am I.

You'’re a cow,
so you give milk, right?

- Yeah, that'’s right.
- Yeah, that'’s right.

- I wanna see you give milk.
- -Hey!

Smile.

Get off of me,
you rotten kid.

- That'’s the last one.
- Well, thank God.

Get out of my way.
Get this thing off of me.

Now that wasn'’t
so bad, was it?

All children should be shot.

Come on, hurry up
with this thing.

You'’ve got an hour
to rest at the hotel,

and then we'’ll come back here
for the awards dinner.

I'’m having trouble
with this zipper.

Lou, it'’s 112 degrees in here!

That pull thing
is folded under.

-My fingers are too big.
-Yeah, mine too.

Sam could do this
if she were here.

Yeah, let me try this again.

She must be back
from the hot dog stand
by now, huh?

- Sam was at the hot dog stand?
-Yeah.

When? When?

Just after you went off.

I was
talking to Bill.

Bill is here?

-Did Samantha see him?
-I sure as hell hope not.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

-Oops.
-All right, never mind.

Laura, go have them
make an announcement

telling Sam to come back here.

Lou, you stay here
in case Sam comes back.

Lawrence, keep an eye on Rog--
Er, Howard.

Make sure he gets
to that ceremony.

Don'’t let him
out of your sight.
He'’s a moron!

I don'’t know
about that.

Hey, did you see a little girl,
yellow ribbon in her hair?

Yellow ribbon in her hair.

Samantha Kershaw, age 7,

-with a yellow ribbon
is missing.
-Yeah.

-If you know her whereabouts...-Yeah, I think I did see her.

Yeah, she was crying.
She ran right outta here.

Well, why didn'’t you stop her?

Well, I didn'’t know, I was...

Because you'’re a moron,
that'’s why.

God, I'’m surrounded by morons.

I don'’t have to take
that kind of talk from a cow.

Get out of my way!

Sam!

Sam!

Oh.

Not acro--
Oh!

Oh.

Oh!

Hold up!

- Excuse me!
All right, uh...

I'’m looking for a little girl.

You gotta keep an eye on them.

I don'’t even let 'em
in my store half the time.

Little girl, eight years old.
Yellow ribbon in her hair.

-Was she cryin'’?
-Yeah.

- Yeah!
- Which way did she go?

Oh, she went down there,
but...

but I wouldn'’t go
in that neighborhood.

That'’s a tough neighborhood.
You don'’t' wanna go down.

Thanks! Oh, Sam.

Oh, God. Excuse me!
Look out!

-Excuse me.
-Hey!

- A cow stole my bike!
- Sorry, kid!

Oh, oh.
Oh, God. Ah!

Oh, fine.

What next?

Yup. Uh-huh.

Sam!

All right,
cool, cool.

Huh?

Excuse me.

I don'’t know 'bout y'’all,
but...

Oh, God. Oh.

Oh, no.

Sam, what are you
doing up there?
Give me your hand.

Oh.

Go away.

Oh, God.

I'’m about to fall
to my death here.
Don'’t you care?

No.

Oh.

I suppose you'’re wondering...

why I'’m still wearing
this outfit.

-No.
-Well, my head
got stuck.

Oh, God. Oh.

I don'’t wanna have to
go through life this way.

I was hoping
somebody might help me
with the zipper.

I was hoping
that might be you.

Please?

Thank you. Oh.

Thank you very much.

Oh, oh.

Oh.

So, uh...

You, uh, come here often,
do ya?

I wanted to get away
from everybody,

including you.

Yeah, well, I was thinkin'’

maybe tomorrow we should go
do one of those studio tours.

You go.
I don'’t wanna go.

I guess you overheard your dad
and me talkin'’, huh?

It doesn'’t matter.
I don'’t care.

I know how you feel.

No, you don'’t.
Don'’t say that.

He'’s my father,
and he doesn'’t even
want to see me.

He'’s scared.

Yeah, scared that his wife'’s
gonna find out. I heard.

Well, I'’m gonna call his wife
and tell her everything.

That'’ll show him.

Yeah, that'’s a good idea.

Maybe she'’ll get
so mad at him,
she'’ll leave him.

-Good.
-Yeah.

Sam, he'’s got kids.
Other kids, I mean.

Maybe after he
and his wife split up,

the other kids
won'’t be able to
see him very much either.

I mean, yeah,
that'’ll show him, but, uh...

might be kinda hard
on the kids, huh?

I don'’t care.

Why should I care
about him and his kids?

He didn'’t care about me.

I hate him.
I hate him, and you,
and everybody else.

-No, you don'’t.
-Yes, I do.

He wanted to lie to me.
Everybody lies.

My mom lied to me,
she said he was dead.

You lied, he lied,
everybody lies.

Yeah, they do.

Sometimes they do that

'’cause they can't think
of anything else to do.

Sam, for what it'’s worth...

I promise I'’ll never
lie to you again.

What do you know
about telling the truth?

You lie all the time.

You even lie
about who you are.

You'’re the biggest liar
of all.

And so,
ladies and gentlemen,

it gives me great pleasure
to introduce our host

for the rest of this evening. The one and only winner

of last year'’s
Golden Spectacles Award,

Balthazar Mishkin!

Creator of the wonderful,
wonderful, wonderful...

Chickens Never Forget.

Thank you, sir.
Thank you.

The Golden Spectacles Award

for the best children'’s book
of the year.

And the nominees are...

Dear S. Salt
by Vladiana Krikorkov
and Raffi Martin.

Farmer Joe'’s Hot Day

by Nancy Wilcox Richards
and Werner Zimmerman.

Terrible Tillie
Bites the Dentist

by Theodora Winkle.

Unfortunately, Theodora Winkle

will be unable to join us
this evening.

Shame.

As she is in India,

completing
the Gujarati version
of her latest book.

It'’s about time.

And the final nominee is,

Crafty Cow
and the Missing Puppy

by Howard Spitz.

And now, if we will all don
our golden spectacles,

I will read the name
of the winner.

♪ It'’s a golden spectacle ♪

- This is exciting.
This is like the Oscars.

And the winner of this year'’s prestigious Golden Spectacles Award is...

Howard Spitz
for Crafty Cow.

♪ It'’s a golden spectacle ♪

Well, that'’s quite a...
quite a grip there, huh?

Do you milk cows?

Only Crafty.

Now, how did this
whole Crafty Cowthing

get started?

How? Um, well, I was...

I was driving
across country,

and I stopped somewhere
in Nebraska,

and there was
this field of cows.

And one of them,
one of them mooed at me,

and I was struck
by inspiration.

And that'’s when I knew
I had to write

and draw this cow.

Probably, just like
Leonardo Da Vinci thought,

when he first saw
Mona Lisa.

My books are the epics
of the children'’s section.

Why do you think
the kids and the parents

have taken Crafty Cow
to heart?

There'’s something
very basic

and comfy about cows.

You know, the cave drawings
were originally cows.

So when I tap into Crafty,

I'’m tapping into something
actually quite primeval.

- The books are published all over the world?
- -Oh, hell.

Yes, yes,
and I personally--

I'’m sorry to interrupt,
but this man is an impostor.

Uh, ladies
and gentlemen,

if this is a joke,
I'’m not in on it.

Who are you?

I'’m the real Howard Spitz.

Who'’s he?

He'’s just an actor.

I find this all
very embarrassing,

and it'’s not true.

Well...

Well, now I don'’t know
what to think.

Lou, Lou!

-Come on up here!
-Oye.

Mr. Lou Gaddes,
a semi-respected
literary agent.

Lou.

Tell '’em which one is
the real Howard Spitz.

He is.

Ha-ha, thank you
so much for coming out.

What do you think
you'’re doing?

You'’re throwing it all away.

Finally, I'’m making
some money.

Finally I get my daughter'’s
teeth fixed.

Your daughter'’s
53 years old!

So I'’m getting her dentures.

Sam.

This is the real Howard Spitz.

He'’s telling the truth.

Who...
Who are you?

Samantha Kershaw.

Samantha, how can we prove
which one is Howard Spitz?

In Crafty Cow
and the Missing Puppy,

what does Crafty Cow
give the puppy?

A milk bone.

No!

Oh, no.
What am I thinking?

That'’s another book entirely.
That'’s, uh...

I was thinkin'’ of, uh, a ball?

No!

Okay, I don'’t know!
I write them,

I don'’t read them, all right?

We should talk about
the cave drawings.

I know a lot
about cave drawings.

She gives him a little hat.

It was Samantha'’s idea.

In fact, uh, Sam'’s

helped me with
all of the books.

Has anyone read the book?
Is it a hat?

Yes, it was a hat!
That'’s right!

Yes, a little hat.

Well...

I guess we found out
who the real Howard Spitz is.

You can go now.

I'’m a much better
Howard Spitz than this guy is.

Howard, why did you
hire this guy

to pretend he was you?

Well, I, uh...

I just didn'’t think
I was, uh...

a good enough role model
for the children of America.

All right, all right!

Kids give me the willies.

Got your
onion rings up.

Onion rings.

- Four ninety nine.
- Okay.

Hello, Lou.
How are ya? So?

They talked, I listened.

Crafty Cowmay not
be finished.

If you pay back 15 grand,
Primrose may keep it going.

But, Lou, I spent
that money already.

We'’re all gonna have to
make sacrifices.

My daughter'’s gonna have me
give back her dentures.

I don'’t wanna write
this sitcom garbage anymore!

I'’m gonna be a playwright!

Do you mind?

Look, there'’s more to life
than money.

I'’ve got my integrity,

and my soul is worth more than
$16,000 per half hour.

Sixteen thousand dollars?
For what?

For a stupid sitcom script.

-How long'’s a sitcom script?
-40 pages.

Lou, that'’s it.
It'’s a cinch.

It'’s a whole different
ball game.

What do you know
from sitcom scripts?

A married couple, a sofa,
a couple of wacky neighbors.

A bar in Boston,
a psychiatrist on the radio.

Anybody can write that stuff.

Lou, $16,000 per episode,

plus reruns.

-Of course, if you
don'’t wanna handle it--
-No, no.

You write it,
I'’ll send it around.

Out of my own pocket,
I'’ll pay the postage.

♪ I'’m sitting
On top of the world ♪

Samantha, I'’m not your dad.

I'’m not anybody's dad,
thank God.

But, uh, well,
when we get home,

if you'’d like somebody
to hang out with,

you know,

go do stuff like the movies,
that kind of thing,

uh, I got time.

Okay.

And that, uh,
goes for you too.

You'’re so romantic.

I thought you were waiting
for love at first sight.

Oh, I don'’t think
I'’m waiting for that anymore.

You'’re not? How come?

Things change.

Does this mean
you'’re gonna buy me a pony?

Absolutely not!

A puppy?

A goldfish,
if you'’re lucky.

Okay, Uncle Howard.

♪ Glory hallelujah
I just phoned the parson ♪

♪ Hey, par
Get ready to call ♪

Well, who said anything
about holdin'’ hands?

♪ I'’m goin' to fall ♪

♪ I'’m sitting
On top of the world ♪

♪ Just rollin'’ along ♪

♪ Just rollin'’ along ♪

♪ Yeah

♪ Just rollin'’ along ♪

♪ A new kid in town
Who'’s hip, who's down ♪

♪ Got attitude
Won'’t mess you around ♪

♪ With a look in the eye
That makes you shudder ♪

♪ Don'’t you know
There could be no udder ♪

♪ The word on the street
Is B-S-E-C ♪

♪ Hangin'’ out with Crafty ♪

♪ Crafty, she'’s cool
'’Cause she ain't no fool ♪

♪ The bovine detective
From the old school ♪

♪ And just when you thought
It was safe to look ♪

♪ Howard Spitz
Wrote the next book ♪

♪ Get crafty

♪ Go, go
Go, go ♪

♪ Go, go
Go, go ♪

♪ Go, go
Go, go ♪

♪ Go, go
Go, go ♪

♪ Go, go
Go, go ♪

♪ Go, go
Go, go ♪

-What the hell'’s
the matter with you?
-I didn'’t know what to say.

Just make something up!

I can'’t! I freeze up
without a script.

I'’ve never been good
at improvisation.

Listen, make a plan,

you'’re gonna tell them
exactly how you came up

-with the idea of Crafty Cow.
-I am.

Yes, so'’s the hamburger!

Oh, goddammit.

Crafty Cow.

Days, she gives milks.
Nights, she'’s a detective.

Kids'’ll go to her
when they have problems
that can'’t be solved.

She'’ll use detect--
Oh, poopy stink,

I am completely
all over this text.

I could shoot myself!

I don'’t think the puppy
should be a Rottweiler.

Hey, oh, Jesus.

Will you be careful
with this thing?

Are you all right?
I'’m sorry.

Oh, for cryin'’ out loud.
That'’s my best chair.

Well, I try to advise you,
but do you listen?

-Never.
-I listen.

Then I take into my mind.

Then I reflect
on the kind of advice--

Your kind of track record
that you got,

then I just do whatever
you tell me to do,

something I blow it out my--

- Okay.
- Action!

Hi, George.
More whiskey.

Long time no see,
Howard.

Yeah.

What you writing
these days?

Well, actually, clar--
Uh, poopy stink.

That'’s what I'm writing.

And there'’s my phone.

Hang on a second.

This is perfect.

Excuse me.

You... You?

-Look, I told you,
just leave us alone.
-I just wanna talk.

I have a gun in my bag. What?

What the hell are you doing?

♪ Go, go
Go, go ♪

♪ Go, go

♪ Get crafty

Crafty Cow
and the Missing Puppy,

by Howard Spitz.

Hi, my name
is Crafty Cow.

That'’s a picture of me.

I drew it myself.

I'’m sorry it's not very good.

It'’s hard to draw with a hoof.

No duh, you can'’t even hold a pencil.

For a long time,
all I did was graze
and give milk.

Sometimes I said...

One day, I decided
I wanted more from life.

I remember what my mom
told me when I was little.

She said,

" Crafty, you can be anything you wanna be."

I wanted to be a detective.

I moved to the city.

I put up a sign and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

One day,

a little boy came to me
for help.

"Crafty, I'’ve lost my puppy," he said.

Boy was crying.

"Don'’t be so upset," I said.

Will you
stop crying if I help you
find your puppy?

I started crying too.

Blank, don'’t you
have any heart?

Well, he misses his puppy.

We had to
find the puppy.

" Where is the puppy?"

I asked the pigeon.

"Where is
the puppy?" I asked the cat.

"Where is the puppy?"

I asked the dog.

Well, thank you
very much.

Nobody knew
where the puppy was.

Do you think
one of them was lying?

The cat was nervous.

"Tell me
what you know," I said.

"The puppy'’s hiding
in the alley," the cat said.

He asked me not to tell you.

The boy and I found the puppy hiding in the alley.

"Why are you hiding?"
I asked.

"Because I'’m sad,"
the puppy said.

" Why are you sad?"

I asked.

"Because an old man stole my hat," the puppy said.

I tracked down the old man
who had stolen
the puppy'’s hat.

I gave the hat
back to the puppy.

The old man was crying
because he did not
have the hat.

I gave my hat to the old man.

And that is how
I solved my first case.

I like
being a detective.

What do you wanna be?

I'’ll see you when I solve
my next case.

Goodbye.

Maybe the old man should'’ve
ended up in the slammer.

You think so?

Little late now,
now that I'’ve changed it.

Poopy stink.