The Ratings Game (1984) - full transcript

Television,
the most powerful

communications tool in the history of man.

Since its beginning, the
networks have dictated

what comes into our
living rooms, but one man

brought these almighty
monoliths to their very knees.

His name: Vic De Salvo.

This is his story.

- There's Lucille Ball's house.

I love Lucy!

Danny Thomas's is right down the block.

You remember Make Room for Daddy?



- Yeah, yeah, sure, boss, I remember.

- Let's go borrow a cup
of sugar from Bob Newhart.

- We need sugar, boss?

- How about a quart of
milk from Lonnie Anderson?

- Yeah, we need milk, too?

- Bruno, oh, look at that.

Pull up over there, Bruno.

Hi, I'm Vic De Salvo, do
you mind if I say hello?

- That was pretty smooth,
boss, very smooth.

- This is gold, Bruno, pure De Salvo.

- Funny script, huh, boss?

- It's my masterpiece.

Too good for the networks,
I'll tell you that.

Hey, boss, there's
the peacock over there.



- All right, pull over.

It's in the bag, Bruno.

What they respect in
this town is confidence.

No, it's okay, Bruno.

Pow!

- We don't accept unsolicited manuscripts,

and if we did, we wouldn't accept yours.

- Madame, you do accept
them, and you will,

and I'll tell you why.

- Security.

- All right, all right,
all right, take it easy,

take it easy, give me the scripts.

Thank you very much.

- Hey, Vic, hey, leave him alone!

Hey, hey, hey, get your hands off him.

- That's okay, Bruno.

- Which one did they like the best?

- The networks aren't
buying Italians, Jews,

and Puerto Ricans this season.

They're buying gays,
alcoholics, child molesters.

- I can't relate to the characters.

You got anything with Nazis, maybe?

- Vic, I'm telling you this
because I really like you:

you got no future in this business.

- You son of a bitches are scared.

- How's it going, boss?

- I think I'm on a roll, Bruno, let's go.

I don't know, Bruno.

How come this crap gets on the air

and I can't sell a series?

- What do they know out here, boss?

They ain't got no culture.

- Yeah.

- Hello, sir.

- Oh, hi, Skip, how are you?

- Thank God you're home.

We've been under siege.

First the painters, then the decorators.

I nearly had kittens.

- Oh, Skip, this is great!

Real class, it's just what I wanted,

an exact replica of the
Golden Nugget in Las Vegas.

- Thank you, sir.

- Now, where's my brother?

- Upstairs in the den.

- All right.

- Ollie, explain to me how
you lose a 12-ton diesel rig!

Who leaves the motor running
when they take a leak?

Your ass, "everybody,”
look, find it, just find it.

Where the hell have you been

while the company's going
down the tubes, huh?

- I was out making show
business connections.

- Oh, yeah?

Well, try and remember,

there's a trucking business
that pays for this palace,

and that $3 bill secretary of yours, huh?

- Look, Goody, lay off Skip,

he's going to get me into the
right social circles out here.

- The right social
circle is back in Newark,

which is where we ought to be right now.

- All right, come on, don't
start this again, huh, Goody?

You know entertainment is in my blood.

Remember how I used to knock 'em dead

at family weddings with Volare?

- Vic, you were six years old.

If you finished your broccoli,

they gave you a standing ovation.

- Oh, come on, some people get their kicks

stomping on a dream.

- Look, Vic, I love you, I
don't want to see you get hurt,

but I gotta tell you, all
those scripts you wrote,

nobody's going to buy them.

A series about a pimp
called Munzio's Girls?

A soap opera called Bayone?

- All right, forget about art.

I wrote another one, very commercial,

it's called Sittin' Pretty, I know it,

I got this TV formula down now:

broads, boobs, horny guys,
sex jokes, the works.

This is really commercial, I mean it...

- Do what you want, I
don't care, but if you

don't sell something very
soon, we're going back home.

Hey, Uncle Vic!

- Hey, Rich.

- You mind if Bruno runs me
over to my aerobics class?

- Aerobics?

What the hell is happening to this family?

You've got one month!

- Yeah, okay, Richie, go ahead.

Thanks, Uncle Vic.

- Uh, well, you see, Ms.
Kester, I wouldn't be

calling at all except that
I'm a little desperate.

In my opinion, there's something wrong

with your whole rating system.

Now, our best summer series
is The Senator and Stinky,

and I just cannot imagine how

it could possibly have done that badly.

- Statistically, we are accurate

within a 2.2% margin of error.

- A zero share?

- Not one of the 1,500 Computron
sets were tuned into it.

In short, nobody watched.

- That's where you're wrong.

It just so happens, Ms. Kester,

that we received over 400 letters

from people complaining about the show,

so it's clear that somebody watched.

Well, none of
the Computron households.

- Households, see, now that's
the flaw in your system.

You don't take into account
college dormitories,

hospitals, prisons, we
get a lot of fan mail from

mental institutions, that
doesn't turn up in your ratings.

- Look, Mr. Braithwaite,
would you be complaining

if you had four shows in the top 10?

- No, Ms. Kester, I wouldn't,

because I'd be dead from the shock.

- Another happy customer.

Uh, Mr. Vandergelder,
did you read my report?

The one about the phone surveys

to augment the computer data?

- Oh, yes, yes, we'll get into that,

uh, Francine, but right now,

I'm in conference with Miss, uh, Conroy.

- Yes.

I wouldn't want to interrupt a conference

with the office receptionist.

♪ Looking up

♪ Stratosphere-

♪ -ically speaking

♪ Looking up

♪ If you thought we were peaking

♪ Ratings-wise

♪ We'll surprise you again

♪ And again

♪ MBC

♪ Three letters that will amaze you

♪ MBC

♪ Know that we're going to raise you

♪ MBC

♪ Where all your dreams come true

♪ This fall is all for you

♪ So hand us the winner's cup

♪ Because at MBC

♪ We're looking up ♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

the star of MBC's number one comedy hit,

Gimme Five, 40 pounds of fun,

Woodrow T. Brown!

♪ Don't give me any bad times

♪ Don't give me any jive

♪ You can keep all the bad

♪ Just gimme a five ♪

- Gimme five!

I ain't never seen so many
white people in one room.

So gimme five, gimme 10 on that one.

I'm here tonight to
introduce our head honcho.

You know I must be talking
about the president

of MBC Entertainment,
Mr. Parker Braithwaite.

- It's gooseflesh time!

I don't know about you affiliates,

but I'm excited, because I've
seen the new fall lineup,

and I know that this is the year

that the MBC eagle

is really going to soar.

So now, without any further ado,

here's just a preview of what's
in store, come September,

as we go for it!

♪ We got the shows

♪ We've got the stars you want to see

♪ This is the place to be

♪ MBC

♪ We're gonna go for it

♪ Go for it ♪

By day, they're
swingin' sexy aerobics instructors

at a Santa Monica health
club known as H.O.T.B.O.D.S.

But, unknown to the public,

H.O.T.B.O.D.S. is a CIA code name,

for the Headquarters of the Bureau

of Organized Defense Security.

This elite force of
female intelligence agents

defends America from the forces of evil.

Along with their chauffeur bodyguard,

They're known as H.O.T.B.O.D.S. and Levar.

What happens when Gary can't
get into this man's army?

Well, he does the next best thing:

he joins this gal's army,

and becomes Wacked Out.

- Wacked Out is going to be a monster.

It tested through the roof.

- Tell them.

They're not laughing, Parker.

Yes, the laughs
are on us, and Uncle Sam!

In this new comedy from the
creators of I Got It Good,

it's Wacked Out!

Your funny bone will go AWOL.

And then, from the producers of Beer Nuts,

NBC proudly presents a warm human drama

that will both touch and move you,

the story of those unsung heroes

who toil while you sleep.

They are the Dawn Patrol.

Yes, the hopes, dreams, and fears

of a big city sanitation crew.

There's Rodriguez, the cynic,

Jason, the rookie,

and Wexler, the poet.

You'll come to love this ragtag bunch

as they charm their way into your hearts.

These are the people of the Dawn Patrol.

They'll be riding up your
street this fall on MBC.

♪ We got the shows

♪ We've got the stars you want to see

♪ This is the place to be

♪ NMBC ♪

- You better clap your hands, fool.

♪ We're gonna go for it

♪ Go for it ♪

- Mr. De Salvo?

Mr. Vic De Salvo?

Telephone call for Mr. Vic De Salvo.

- Yo, over here, I'm De Salvo.

- Oh, yes, how could I have forgotten?

- Uh, thank you.

How about a menu, I've
been here for two hours.

- I'll see what I can do.

- Oh, yeah, thank you.

Uh, yes, operator, this is Vic De Salvo.

You have a call from who?

Yes, I'll accept a call from Alan Alda.

Hello, Al, how are you?

Good, did you read the property?

You loved it, great.

Now, I realize that Albert Schweitzer

and Mother Teresa never really met,

but with you and Carol
Burnett in the leads,

CBS is very high on the project.

- Who's that De Salvo over there?

Anyone I should know?

- Bye-bye.

The bigger they are, the nicer they are.

Uh, excuse me.

-Yes?

- I forgot my glasses.

Is that a flaw?

- I wouldn't know.

- Oh, you don't get much
for 14 grand these days.

- Another telephone call
for you, Mr. De Salvo.

I'll ring it through.

- Huh, can you believe this?

When you're a big-time TV producer,

they never leave you alone.

Oh, fancy ring.

Hello?

Johnny, Johnny who?

Oh, Johnny Carson.

Now what does he want?

- Hey, Vic, how you doing there?

Are they buying it?

- You got "em eating out
of the palm of your hand.

- I'll bet that Sylvester
Stallone calls you next.

I mean, I do a great Stallone.

Adriannnn!

- You're something.

All right, listen, Johnny,

well, all right, we'll play tennis, okay?

I promise I'll call, I will call you.

All right, bye-bye.

I saved his career once,
he never leaves me alone.

So, uh, are you girls actresses,

because I'm casting.

Who needs you?

- Your menu, Sir.

- Oh.

Thank you, uh, that's very delicious cake,

it's very light and moist.

- Mr. Friedlander, would you step

into Mr. Braithewait's
office for a minute?

- Frank, glad you could come, sit down.

Would you like some coffee?

Soda?

Well, let's get right down to brass tacks.

Frank, you know I'm
not one to mince words.

I have to let you go.

Sure, you're hurt,

but let's not forget that
The Senator and Stinky

was the lowest rated show in
the history of television.

I don't think I have to remind you

who touted that turkey.

Ah, but you still have your
job until five PM on Friday,

Frank, so feel free to use that time

to tie up any loose ends, and hey,

let's not say goodbye, let's just say,

so long.

Oh, and Frank, leave
the tape machine running

on your way out, yeah, thanks.

- Oh, come on, matey,
things can't be that bad.

Remember what we say on
the Captain Andy show,

"A smile is a frown turned upside down."

Haha, cheer up.

- Sit down, Captain Andy.

Captain, you have the
longest running show on MBC,

which is why what I
have to do now pains me.

- I'm telling you, I've got an appointment

with Mr. Friedlander.

- I'm sorry, your name's not down here.

- Well, look again!

- Hold on a second.

Front desk?

Yes, sir, Mr. Friedlander.

Mr. De Salvo's right here.

- So send him up, he's a
very important producer.

- Yes, sir, right away.

Go right ahead, Mr. De
Salvo, 20th floor, sir.

- Well, thank you very much,

and maybe next time, you'll remember me.

Friedlander, this is your lucky day.

- Who are you?

- The answer to your prayers.

All right, now here's the capper,

you're going to love this
scene, it's gonna kill you.

Chip is in the locker room

dressed in Kim's
cheerleading outfit, right,

he's got two basketballs
in his sweater for boobs!

Now, Kim can't come out of the shower

because Chip's wearing her clothes!

All right, now, that
ends the dream sequence.

Now, we flash back 20 years...

- Hold it, De Salvo.

I don't have to hear another word.

You don't like it?

- On the contrary,

I love it.

It's just what this network deserves,

and they're going to remember
me for giving it to them.

Business Affairs, please.

Vic, it is Vic?

- Yeah, yeah.

- Vic, I think we should
go to pilot on this.

How would you like a firm
on-the-air commitment?

- You should've seen me, boys.

I was brilliant, I was brilliant!

- MBC must be really hard up
to put that schlock on the air.

- Hey, lighten up, Goody.

- What's all the excitement?

- Skip, I sold my show.

We're going to have a big party

and I'm putting you in charge.

- Fabulous, I know just the caterer.

- What caterer?

I was planning on making
some scungilli calamaris

and have some cannolis afterwards.

- Please, please, this is an A-party.

- Uh, yeah, yeah, Skip,

I want you to draw up the guest list.

No lightweights.

- In that case, Chuck Heston is a must.

Then there's Dudley and Susan,

and we mustn't forget the Robert Stacks...

- Wait a minute, there's more than one?

You know, Richard, when
they talk about this party,

and they will talk about this party,

they'll all say this was
Skip Imperiali's finest hour.

You know, I was thinking
of seating the Jack Lemmons

and the Walter Matthaus at the same table.

Oh, you're right, it's too on
the nose, but enough glitter.

What we really need are
some studio honchos.

We can get Brandon Tartikoff
and Aaron Spelling...

- Ho ho, you are a delight, Wendy,

a real breath of fresh air.

- That means so much to me, Wes.

You know I really look up to you.

- So I've heard.

- Ah, working late again, Francine?

- You know, I really
admire your dedication.

I guess for me, having a personal life

is just too important.

- You seem to balance
them both pretty well.

- Let's go, Wendy.

Maybe we can finish our conference

over a rack of lamb at the Le Buff

and then see where we stand, huh?

Goodnight, Francine.

No working after midnight.

Come on.

- I thought this was an A party.

Not one guest is showing up.

- What are you complaining about?

- I gave up my acting class for this.

- Skip, what time you got?

- 10 o'clock.

- Nice party, boss.

- Yeah.

- Listen, Vic, where are all
the celebrites you promised?

- Hey, Skip, people will
be coming soon, right?

- Of course, sir, it's just that no one

wants to be the first to arrive.

- Great, meanwhile,
I've got a $400 ice swan

that's dripping into the chopped liver.

- Hi.

- Uncle Vic, Uncle Vic!

Someone's coming.

- See?

And you were worried, come on.

Come on, let's go over there.

- Hey, let's go see who it is, come on.

- You take it from Vic, baby.

You put out free food,
it attracts two things:

flies and actors.

Music, maestro!

- I bet it's Alan Alda,
he's so nice and polite,

he'd call if he couldn't make it.

- All right, waiters, on your toes,

push the shrimp balls.

- Did you see who it was?

You don't know who it was?

- Who's that?

- That must be Mrs. Alda.

Alan's probably throwing
the coats on the bed.

Um, hello, I'm Vic De Salvo.

Welcome to our soiree, Mrs., uh...

- Miss Francine Kester.

- Francine Kester?

Hey, everybody, Francine Kester's here.

- Who's that?

- So, um, where's your
important and influential date?

- Actually, I came alone.

- Alone?

I don't remember any Francine
Kester on the invite list.

Do you, Skip?

- Please, I have no
knowledge of this woman.

- You don't look like you've
had knowledge of any woman.

Look, uh, you know, I just
took my boss's invitation.

I thought the party might be fun.

You don't want me here,
fine, I'll go home.

- No, no, no, no, no, don't
go, don't go, come on,

come on, I like you.

Hey, a drink for the lady!

Come on, come on, all
right, all right, all right.

It's a guest.

All right, what are you
standing around for, mingle!

Hey, all right, one drink is enough.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

- Sheesh.

- Let's eat, there's a guest come,

let's get something to eat.

- I'm sorry that I blew up at you before,

but I'm a little edgy tonight.

- Oh, I can see why.

This party's a bomb.

- Hey, hey, hey, I like spunk in a woman,

but don't push your luck.

Have a shrimp ball.

All right, all right, at ease, at ease.

- I can't complain about the service.

- Yeah, it's the unions.

You hire one guy, you gotta
take his brothers with him.

Don't start me on unions here.

Park it over here, honey.

- Some place you got here.

- Yeah.

- You're not an Arab.

You must be a drug dealer.

- No, drug dealer?

No, I'm a TV producer.

- I was close.

So what do you do?

- I'm a statistician for the
Computron rating service.

- Hey, I heard of that.

- Yeah?

- Hey, Tamara, Miss Kester here

takes the ratings for the TV shows.

- How glamorous.

You must meet all kinds of
fascinating accountants.

Vic, can I talk to you
alone in private, please?

- Miss Kester, why don't
you go hit the buffet table?

If you want to take anything
home, we've got foil.

Go ahead, it's good.

- That is one of the big
celebrities you invited?

- Hey, the last time I looked,

you weren't exactly Meryl Streep.

- And I believed you when you
told me you were a producer.

My God, you can't even produce a party.

I thought you were
here because you like me,

not because you wanted
to meet celebrities.

- Oh, come on, Vic.

I mean, you have been around the block.

I mean, when was the last time

you saw a girl like me
with a guy like you,

because she liked him?

Oh, please, nice knowing you.

- Uh, well, feel better.

I'll call you later.

Hey, Bruno.

- Yeah, boss?

- Tamara has decided to dissolve

our relationship and go home

so I want you to go into the garage,

get out the Rolls Royce
and wing her with it,

make it look like an accident.

- I can't do that,
boss, it's my night off.

- She dumped on you, huh?

- No, no, Goody,

I told her that I wasn't
ready for a commitment.

- Vicky, have you noticed a
certain pattern in your life?

I mean, since you've got money,

all you do is go out with beautiful women

who treat you like dirt.

- It's a step up, I used to go out

with ugly women who treated me like dirt.

- What you need is a nice girl,

a girl who like you for
yourself, a girl who...

- That's not my type, huh.

- Who can talk to you?

- Vic, try some of this
pasta salad, it's delicious.

- Yeah, it's very tasty.

Well, help yourself,

there's another 600 pounds in the kitchen.

- Oh, don't feel bad.

Hey, it's really a lovely party.

-It is?

- Yeah, at least there's no
line at the buffet table.

And I've never gotten this
much attention in my life.

I mean, usually when I go to
one of these Hollywood parties,

there's so many glamorous women around,

nobody even notices me.

Tonight, they got no choice.

- I'm starting to notice you myself.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, where you from?

- Jersey.

- No.

- Yeah.

- You're from Jersey?

- I'm from Jersey.

- Hey, I'm from Jersey.

- No, really?

- Of course I'm from Jersey.

Hey, come on, I want
you to meet some people.

Hey, hey, boys,

we got a Jersey girl here.

Jersey, yeah, what part?

- Versailles.

- I got a road through over there.

You know the Musticandi Bakery?

- Are you kidding, I went to school

with the Musticandi boys.

- Yeah, hey, hey, Vic,

you've got a nice broad here.

- Bruno, didn't you learn anything

from the Women's Movement?

You're not supposed to say
broad in front of them.

I'm sorry, boss.

- Hey, Skip, more champagne,

bring out the good stuff this time.

Who would have figured,

this disaster's turning into a party!

- Hi, I'm Richie.

- I'm Bruno, this is my wife, Serafina.

- Hey, maestro!

You guys know Volare?

- Maybe I'll sing a tune.

- So, after Arthur went
back with his wife,

I started seeing Malcolm again.

- The dentist?

- No, no, no,

Malcolm sold white mice to laboratories.

- Oh.

- Yeah, he left me for an
older woman, his mother.

- You may find this hard to believe,

but my heart's been used as
a hockey puck a few times.

I guess you find that hard to believe.

- Not really, it's a
cruel world out there.

- Yeah, I've known
disillusionment and despair

and all those other cats.

- Vic, you have

such an interesting way
of talking, you know?

- Ah, I borrowed that from Frank,

he says it on his Man and His Music album.

You know, Francine, I really like you,

like, I feel like I can open up to you.

- That's sweet, Vic.

I guess that girl tonight
hurt you pretty bad, huh?

- Nah, that was one of
my healthy relationships.

At least she didn't torch my warehouse.

Some of them get vicious.

- Well,

we're here, this is where I live.

- Oh, geez,

oh, 4:30.

- What?
- We talked all night.

- Oh, my God, it's like it just flew by.

- Yeah.

- So you want to come up for some coffee?

- Uh, no, no, I think I better
take a rain check on that

because I've got a lot
of appointments tomorrow.

- I understand, no problem.

- No, you don't understand,
I had a great time.

- You don't have to say that, Vic.

- I know I don't have to say that.

I'm saying it, that I like
you, I want to see you again.

- So I'll hear from you?

- Yeah, yeah, we'll go
to a movie or something,

I'll call you.

- Great.

- So, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- What happened, boss, you didn't score?

- Oh, of course I didn't score.

This is an intelligent
and sensitive woman,

she doesn't have casual sex
with every guy she meets.

- That's too bad, we'll find
you one that's your type.

- Yeah, Francine's different.

You know, Bruno, I never knew I could have

so much fun with a girl standing up.

- Well, you know, sometimes, boss,

you can't build a relationship
on just relating...

- Yeah, you got a point there.

- All right.

- God,

the De Salvo script sucks.

I can't believe
Friedlander did that to me.

We've always had such a
close personal relationship.

- It's called revenge.

- Yeah, well, why couldn't
he just steal office supplies

like everybody else?

- Well, we're stuck with it.

If we don't air that show,
he could sue us for millions.

- But that's crap, we
can't put that on the air.

- Never stopped us before.

- True.

- What do you know, don't tell me,

I'm an Emmy-winning director,

I ain't gonna take any of
this crap from anybody.

- Ah, who needs you, I'll
direct this pilot myself.

All right, take it from the top,

with feeling, come on.

- Hi, girls.

- Who are you?

- I'm your, uh, roommate.

- No, no, no, no, Steve, look,

you're playing this too white bread.

I mean, you gotta think of
what you're playing here.

You just fell into pussy.

I mean, you walk into a room,
you don’t come in like a wimp,

you strut, you use a little body English.

You see a set of twin hooters like that,

you go, Marone!

- Vic, I'm playing a guy
named Chip Wainwright,

he's a student at Princeton.

- Well, where do you think Princeton is?

It's in New Jersey, don't tell me

how people talk from Jersey.

Ooh.

What's he getting so upset about?

All right, listen, girls,

Steve is leaving the company
due to artistic differences.

In other words, he stunk on ice.

Uh, I have decided

to step into the role of Chip Wainwright.

Great.

- So tomorrow, be here
at 10 o'clock sharp.

Okay.

- Hey, Vic?

- Yeah?

- I think you did the best thing.

Steve's performance was hurting
the integrity of the piece.

- You really think so?

- Yeah.

- Well, that's really
nice of you to say, Stacy,

I'm glad somebody understands me.

Look, how about if you and I, uh,

we go out tonight and unwind?

- I'd love to, Vic.

There's just one small
thing I have to do first.

- Yeah?

- Well, I have to break up with Steve,

but that should take about a half hour.

Why don't you pick me up at 9:007?

- Yeah, alright.

- Okay, bye.

Hello, stranger,

this is your mother in New Jersey.

It's costing me $2 to speak to a machine.

So, are you seeing anybody?

You don't have that many
child-bearing years left,

you know, I'd like to see some
grandchildren before I die,

which could be any day,
the way I'm feeling.

Anyway, have a nice evening.

- What a great idea, Vic.

The Santa Monica pier.

- Yeah, I come here all the time,

reminds me of back home.

You ever hear of Palisades
Park in New Jersey?

- No, I'm from West Covena.

- Yeah.

- Aren't you a little chilly?

- Oh, I love the cold weather.

They used to sing the song,
Palisades has the rides,

Palisades has the fun,

come on over, you know?

- Real catchy tune.

Hey, why don't we go
to the Hard Rock Cafe?

- What for, they don't have skee ball.

I'll spot you 100 points.

Hey, you want a chocolate banana?

Come on, I'll buy you a chocolate banana.

Uh, let me have two,
two chocolate bananas.

- Vic, I just remembered.

You want us off the book tomorrow, right?

- Yeah.

- Well, I'm still a little
shaky on that second act.

You'd better take me home.

- Yeah, I guess I better.

Francine?

Francine!

Hit the horn again, Bruno.

Francine?

- Vic, what do you want?

- I've got to ask you
something, it's very important.

What?

- Do you know the words

to the Palisades Park theme song?

- Wait a minute, you don't
call me for two weeks

and you wake me up in
the middle of the night

and ask me if I know the words

to the Palisades Park theme song?

- No, come on, do you know them?

- What the Sam Hill's going
on out there, keep it down!

- Palisades has the rides,
Palisades has the fun,

come on over,

there's fun and dancing for free

so is the parking, so gee, come on over.

- That's it!

So?

- So I think I love you.

Now go to bed.

Goodnight, I'll call you, I'll call you!

- The man is crazy.

♪ Last night I took a walk after dark

♪ A swinging place called Palisades Park

♪ To have some fun

♪ And see what I could see

♪ That's where the girls are

♪ I took a ride on the shoopty shoop

♪ The girl I sat beside was awful cute

♪ And when it stopped, she
was holding hands with me

♪ My heart was flying

♪ Up like a rocket ship

♪ Down like a roller coaster

♪ Fast like a loopty-loop

♪ Then around like a merry-go-round

♪ We even ate at a hot dog stand

♪ We danced around to a rockin' band

♪ And when she looked
I gave that girl a hug

♪ In the tunnel of love

♪ You'll never know
how great this can feel

♪ When you stop at the
top of a Ferris wheel

♪ I fell in love down at Palisades Park

♪ Oh ♪

- Good afternoon, thank you for coming

to a brand new pilot from
MBC called Sittin' Pretty.

This will make you forget all
the great shows of the past,

uh, thank you, we're going
to have that sound check now

we spoke about, so on three,
please, give me the titter.

One, two, three.

Polite, polite, that's nice.

Now, on three, give me the
medium laugh, one, two, three.

Okay, now the big one we need,
the big laugh for America,

you ready, now.

- Kids, gypsies,

we have reached that moment
of truth in the theater:

opening night.

Those good people across the footlights

will tell us whether we're a hit

or a flop.

But either way, I want
you's to know that it was

grand working with this
merry troupe of minstrels.

Actors, let's go to work.

All right!

- Vic, that was a beautiful speech,

really inspiring.

What's the matter?

- I gotta throw up.

♪ Well, he's got what he wants

♪ Well, he's loving the life he's got

♪ Well, he's having a ball,
yeah, he's getting it all

♪ Yeah, he's getting a lot

♪ He's sittin' pretty,
he's gettin' his shelf

♪ Sittin' pretty, wow, look at that hair

♪ Sittin' pretty, that's
really pretty pride

♪ Sittin' pretty

♪ That's right ♪

- Isn't this exciting, Kim?

Our first day in college.

- Yeah.

There's supposed to be three
girls sharing this room.

Where's our other roommate?

- Well, hey, this looks
like her trunk right here.

The name tag says "H. Wainwright."

I hope she's nice.

- Marone!

Hiya, dolls,

I'm your roommate, Hubble
Wainwright the third,

but you can call me Chip.

- Wait a minute, fella, we're
expecting a girl roommate.

- I know.
- Yo, Vic!

-Isn't it a hoot?

If mommy and daddy could see me now,

they'd toss their cookies.

- This guy is a hunk.

- By the way, roomies,

where do I sleep?

- Wait a minute, Misty, don't
say what you're thinking.

- So this is what they mean

when they say student body.

Sorry, Dean Molburn,

I guess we learned an
important lesson today.

Honesty is the best policy.

- And to think, I have to
contend with this nutty trio

for another four years!

♪ He's sittin' pretty

♪ Sittin' pretty, all right

♪ Sittin' pretty, all right

♪ Sittin' pretty

♪ That's right ♪

- All right, Richie, Dawn,
very nice meeting you,

good luck with the rock videos.

- Boffo, Mr. De Salvo, absolutely boffo.

- Boffo.

All right, Goody, thank you, I'm glad,

it's real important that you liked it.

- I loved it, I've never laughed so hard.

- All right, all right.

- I'll see you at the house.

- I'll see you.

- God.

Worst pilot ever.

This tops that sitcom
we did Efrem Zimbalist.

- Well, gentlemen, tonight
we wrote a new chapter

in the annals of show business history.

- You could say that.

- The only concern I
have is being tied down

to a hit show for eight or nine years.

So when do we go on the air?

- Well, we were just talking about that.

It's going to be a Tuesday
evening in October.

The 9:00 timeslot.

9:00?

That's good, we get the
oldsters, we get the youngsters,

I like that time slot,
what's our competition?

- Oh, nothing much,

just the World Series.

- The World Series?

Yeah, the World Series.

- But nobody will watch the show!

- No, you really think so?

It can't be true!

Come on, you gotta
give our show a chance!

- We are.

All you have to do is

beat the World Series in the ratings.

- Deep breaths, Vic, take little breaths.

- Geez.

Do you believe that?

- Drink your wine, Vic,
you'll feel better.

- I don't know, Francine, I
don't know what's wrong with me.

Why can't I command any
respect in this town?

- Oh, that's not true, Vic,

a lot of people think very highly of you.

- Maybe Goody's right,

maybe I don't belong in show business.

- Come on, now, that
doesn't sound like you.

The man who took one
You-Hauler and turned it

into the second largest trucking
business in the country?

- But that was different, Francine,

I was dealing with
thugs, hitmen, and goons.

These network guys are scary.

- Vic, cheer up.

I'll watch your show.

- Ah, great.

Then all I need is a
hundred million more people

to beat the World Series.

- It's not true.

You can have a big hit in TV
with only 100 people watching,

if they're the right people.

- Is that right?

Tell me more.

So you're telling me that 1,500 families

control the whole ratings deal?

Yeah, well, you
know it's very scientific,

like, one ratings family
represents 100,000 homes.

- So, in other words, if you was

to persuade these people
to watch your show,

you'd be in.

- I like that word, persuade, boss.

Remember the teamster election of '74?

- Yeah.

- Forget about it, Vic.

I mean, these people have to report

anyone who tries to influence them.

- Yeah, but suppose they didn't know

they were being influenced.

- But the names of these
people are top secret.

Even the CIA couldn't get a hold of them.

- Yeah, well, the CIA isn't going steady

with the girl wonder of
the ratings business.

- Stop the car!

- Whoa, what's going on over there?

- Francine, come on, get back in the car!

- I thought you cared about me.

- I do, I do.

What, do I have to hurl
myself off a hill to prove it?

- You just want to use me
to advance your career.

- I think I just tripped over a dead elk.

I'm from Newark, what am
I doing on a mountain?

- Leave me alone, I'm going home.

- She's going home.

You're going to need
a parachute from here.

Francine, I'm liable to
step on a snake here.

- Don't worry, they never
bite their own kind.

- Francine, forget what I said.

I was only kidding, where are you going?

Oh, oh, oh, my God.

- You've been lying to me from the start,

setting me up for this.

- Hey, I didn't make a
move on you for four dates.

If that's not love, I don't know what is.

Ay, Marone, where we going?

Francine.

- True love is not using,

love is caring

and helping and sharing.

- Well, love is not climbing
and falling, either.

We gotta get out of here,
they'll never find us,

I got no flares on me.

Come on, Francine.

Look, I apologize, come back to the car.

- Don't touch me.

I thought you were different.

You're like all the rest.

- Look, I know you been hurt,

but not every guy is trying to use you.

At least, not this guy.

- How do I know?

- Come on, come here.

Sit here, sit down.

Sit down.

Look,

would you forgive me?

Because I was temporarily blinded

by those lights down there.

See, all I ever wanted
was to be part of that,

but I would never hurt you to get it.

- I know.

I'm sorry I over-reacted.

- Let's never fight again, all right?

- So this is what they write about

in all those women's magazines, huh?

- What's that?

- The big O.

- Oh, all right, let's do this right here.

Well, I'm going to get all dirty here.

- That's the idea.

- May I have your attention please?

I have an announcement to make.

I want you all to say
hello to Wendy Conroy,

our new head of marketing research.

- You have been promising
me that job for 11 years,

and then you give it to a broad

who has seen more ceilings
that Michelangelo.

- When?

When did I promise?

- Every Christmas, instead of a bonus,

but I guess Wendy got it

because she had a great overnight rating.

- Look, in lieu of a promotion,

how about your own parking spot,

directly adjacent to the handicap space?

- How about doing to yourself
what you normally do to Wendy?

- This is a gold mine, Sweeney,

Foley, Johnson, Sawyer,

Miller, Brown, Nelson, Calbot,
Applebee, Olsen, Bailey,

Rutherford, I didn't know people
really had names like that.

- I selected only
families in key precincts.

You get them all to watch,

you got the highest
rated show of the year.

- Baby, you're a genius.

- But nobody's going to get hurt, right?

- Oh, no, no, au contraire,

these people are going to
have the time of their lives.

- What do you mean by that?

- You'll see.

Goody, tomorrow I want
you to call the boys

all over the country.

We're going to have a little meeting.

- Ah, gentlemen, come in, come in.

Welcome, welcome.

Right this way, please.

The bar is on your right,

and I trust you know these
other gentlemen here.

- Hey, Bruno, what's going on?

Somebody die or what?

- I don't know, he won't even tell me.

I guess it's going to
be something important

for him to bring all the boys in.

- Oh, no, no, Richie, put it over there.

- Hey Goody, am I nuts or
have I been here before?

- The lobby of the Golden Nugget.

- Classy!

- Thank you very much.

- All right, all our boys.

All right, now.

I am offering you a piece
of one of the biggest

money-making rackets in America today.

- Drugs?

- Hookers?

- Car insurance?

- No, no, no, no, television,

where a minute of
advertising costs $100,000,

and one rating point is worth
$40 million to a network.

- You've got our undivided attention.

- And, do you know who
controls this whole racket?

1,500 families.

- So boys, D-Day is the 14th of October.

On that day, we've arranged
for a number of these families

to be out of their houses.

- So what do you need us for?

- While they're away,

we are providing a little
house-sitting service.

This is where your boys come in.

They're gonna go in and
take care of things,

water the plants,

maybe watch a little TV.

- Let me get this straight, Vic,

you want me and my
truckers to break and enter

into the homes of innocent people

and help you perpetuate this fraud?

- Yeah.

- I got no problem with that.

- How the hell you
gonna get 1,500 families

out of their houses?

- We only need to get rid

of 100 families in the key precincts.

- We're sending them on a
little cruise, curtains.

- You got it, unc.

- This is like in school, right?

You remember Sister
Allawicius, whack on your hand.

All right, it's going up.

Here you see our luxury cruise ship.

- It looks like a garbage scow.

What did you do, raise the Andrea Doria?

- After we fix it up, they'll
swear it's the Queen Mary.

- Richie, next slide.

This is the continental United States.

Let us start with the Midwest.

Tony, that is your territory.

- Honey, kids!

A cruise!

- Oh, Harold, a cruise!

Kids, hurry!

- Honey, honey!

- Dear, look here.

- Come along, fellas,
quickly, quickly, now,

quickly, quickly.

Tyrone, Tyrone, Tyrone,

Tyrone, I mean, I was
going for '30s deco here.

Remember Fred and Ginger
in Shall We Dance?

I mean, Tyrone, do you
call that egg shell white?

It's throwing off my whole color scheme.

Please, Tyrone.

- Oh, Francine, after last night,

when Webster defines the word ecstasy,

he's gonna have to put our
picture in the dictionary.

Ooh, such language, I love
it when you talk like that.

Oh, Francine...

- Vic, I gotta talk to you.

- Uh, look, honey, I'll
call you back, Goody's here.

All right, I love you.

Bye-bye.

What, what is it?

- Look at these bills, this
scam of yours is killing us!

- Just think of it as an
investment in the future.

- Okay, genius, a week from today,

a hundred families are showing up

for a cruise on the Love Boat,

they're expecting to see TV stars.

-So?

A little help, Uncle Vic?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, Richie.

So where are
we gonna get TV stars?

- Look, Goody, Goody,
just relax, will you?

- They're expecting to see celebrities.

- Don't worry about
it, I got just the guy.

He's gonna be available soon.

- Thanks, Uncle Vic!

- Well, boys and girls, it's
Captain Andy's final show.

Yep, the network has relieved
the Captain of his command.

Yes, they're giving him the shift.

Yep, after 23 years in this studio.

And there is a lesson
in that, boys and girls,

and you know what that lesson is?

Yeah, do it to them
before they do it to you!

Now, how about singing our theme song?

Are you ready?

♪ I just set sail for the land of fun

♪ Won't you be my shipmate

♪ Joy galore for everyone

♪ Won't you be my shipmate, sing

♪ Set sail for the land of fun

♪ Won't you be my shipmate

♪ Joy galore for everyone ♪

Bye-bye, kids, nice knowing you.

- Oh, you know, Captain Andy,

I watched your show ever
since I was a little boy,

I always admired it, I can't believe

that they took you off the air.

- That's show-biz, son.

Two daytime Emmys and you're history.

- Yeah, yeah, well look,

I've got a little proposition for you,

you might like it, it pays good money.

All you gotta do is sign a few autographs

and shake a few hands.

- As long as the check
clears, he'll do anything!

Salty, shut up.

You shut up.

I should have done most of the talking

equitable but all right.

Ah, shut up, I'm talking.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Mom, I don't want to go on the cruise,

I'm going to miss the
World Series tonight.

- I'm sure there will be a TV on board.

- But Mom...

- Are you aware of that
helicopter, mister?

- Don't we get a ticket?

- No, no, it'll be okay.

- Mr. and Mrs. Foley, welcome aboard.

You'll be on B deck, cabin four.

Have a nice cruise.

Oh, the Sweeneys,

C-deck, cabin 22.

- Oh, this doesn't look like
the real Love Boat to me.

Where's the real Love Boat
crew, Doc, Isaac, Gopher?

Where are they?

- We fed 'em to the sharks

and that's what we're going to do to you!

- Mom!

- Don't worry, he's only kidding.

That little shit.

Well, there's
an air of electricity tonight

at the South Bronx as the home champions

take on the big blue wreckin' crew.

Yes, I can't imagine a home in America

that isn't tuned into this drama tonight.

Play ball!

- There's no TV set on the ship.

What are we going to do tonight?

I can't even watch the World Series.

- I think we can do without television.

After all, it's only one weekend, Todd.

- We all can.

It would be good for us.

- Well, what are we gonna
do if we can't watch TV?

- Well, we could talk to each other,

get to know one another.

- Yeah, Mr. Johnson's right.

We don't need television, let's just, uh,

have a conversation.

- Did anyone see Dynasty last week?

- Yes, yes.

- Oh, did you believe
what Lexus did to Crystal?

Isn't she a slut?

Now we're all
tied up with two apiece.

Dave Winfield trying to
get the Yankees out in front.

Three balls, two strikes,
the windup, the delivery,

and Winfield fouls it
up into the upper deck.

- Come on, Winfield, earn your money.

- Hey, it's 9:00, we
gotta turn on Vic's show.

- Turn off the game now?

What, are you nuts?

- That's what Vic's paying us for.

The pitch,
it's hit deep, deep, oh...

♪ Well he's got what he wants

♪ Well he's lovin' the life he's got

♪ Well he's having a ball,
yeah, he's gettin' it all

♪ Yeah, he's gettin' a lot ♪

- Marone!

- Ha, look at this, huh?

I'm a natural actor.

I know, isn't it a hoot?

- Why aren't you laughing?

- I don't feel good about this, Vic.

- Ah, come on, look at this.

- This guy is a hunk.

- Hey, this broad can act.

By the way, roomies,

where do I sleep?

I guess we learned an
important lesson today:

honesty is the best policy.

- All right, I'm glad that's over.

Now let's get back to the game.

- That was a very moving moment.

♪ Sittin' pretty, all right

♪ Sittin' pretty ♪

Well, if you just tuned in,

you missed the play of the century,

I want to tell you, yes indeedy-doody.

- Good morning, Trish.

- Parker, the colonel's in there.

- The colonel, chairman of the board?

Yes.

- Well, that's it.

It was fun while it lasted.

Colonel, what brings you here to...

- I'm waiting for Parker Braithewait.

- Uh, colonel, I'm Parker Braithewait.

Remember, we met last
year when you hired me?

- God, you've aged, son.

You know Buster.

- Sure, sure, of course I do.

Hello, Buster.

- Well, if you have seen
the overnight ratings,

you know why I'm here.

- Uh, colonel, it's easy to
single me out on this one,

but there are plenty of others

who should share the responsibility.

- Listen to that.

He pulls off the programming
coup of the year,

hell, the decade,

and he modestly shares credit with others.

There's a lesson in that, Buster.

- Programming coup?

De Salvo got a 60 share?

- Half of America tuned
out the World Series

to watch that little wop.

- Well, I knew it would be good,

I just, I never dreamed these numbers.

- Yeah, think about
what it'll be next week

when there's no competition!

- But colonel, that was just a pilot,

we wanted to see how it would go

before we went rushing into series.

- It's officially a series, Braithwaite.

Episode number two airs in six days.

Do I make myself clear?

Clear?

- Oh, Mr. De Salvo.

Always good to see you, sir.

Mr. Braithwaite's waiting
for you at table one.

This way, please.

- Well, hey, buddy, good to see you,

I was getting a little
worried, you're an hour late.

-Am I?

William, a bottle of
Chateau Margaux '61, please.

- Excellent, sir.

- Now look, Vic, I'm willing
to eat a little humble pie here

and give you an order for six shows.

- I'm Sicilian and we
never discuss business

until after we've eaten.

William, what's your bill of fare today?

- We have several
specials today, gentlemen.

- Specials?

- Scampi palermo, tiny baby prawns

gently sauteed in a fine...

I don't mean to rush you, Vic,

but it is your third cup of espresso.

State your case.

- Fine.

I'll give you 13 weeks, firm.

- Not so fast.

I want production offices.

I want six on-the-air commitments.

I want a back-ended
syndication deal, up front.

- All right, anything you want.

What do you say?

- I don't know, I'll sleep on it.

- Vic, Vic, Vic, Vic, I'm on my knees!

Don't refuse a man on his knees!

- Will that be cash or charge, sir?

- Did your order one sex maniac?

- Vic, what are you doing here?

I told you we shouldn't be
seen together for a while.

- What, what, what are
you so nervous about here?

Here, here, here, check out these goodies

that I picked up at the
House of Kinky on Sepulveda.

A glow-in-the-dark brassiere.

Not tonight,
Vic, I'm too tense.

- Well, then, you're in good hands,

because I'm a licensed pervert.

- I don't believe you came here.

You could have been tailed by the feds.

- Tailed by the feds?

What am I, Dillinger?

- Oh, I am just glad that
those families are docking

and coming home tonight,

maybe I'm going to finally
get a good night's sleep.

-Um.

I think there's something
that you should know.

- What?

- Sittin' Pretty got
picked up for 22 weeks.

-So?

- So, if I let those people come home

and they don't watch my
show, it'll get canceled.

- Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

- What choice did I have?

- Hello, passengers, this is
your old Captain Andy speaking.

Good news, gang, your dream cruise

aboard the Love Boat has been extended

for 22 fabulous, fun-filled weeks.

Next stop, Cancun, Mexico!

Olé!

- For crying out...

- What's he talking about?

- 22 weeks, why aren't we docking?

- Hey, I have to be at work tomorrow!

- Turn this ship around!

- Mellow out, people.

- |I don't care what anybody
says, I'm going on that life boat.

- Yeah, yeah, that's right.

- What are we doing here, cane mutiny?

- Hold it, ain't nobody going anywhere.

Get back to the shuffleboards.

It's your shot, Pops.

- Paisan Mageshin's.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Alda.

Mr. De Salvo's in a conference.

Shall I have him get back to you?

Fine.

- Vic, you want Monday
night, it's yours, babe.

Run with it.

- Okay, I'm going to save your asses.

I've got a story based on a
character that I grew up with.

His name was Nunzio Romanelli.

- That's good, I'm laughing already.

- It's not a comedy.

It's an action-adventure.

- Action-adventure?

Good counter programming, write
that down, action-adventure.

- Anyway, Nunzio hung out

in Coney Provo's bar on Route 4.

If you wanted to get your rocks off,

you went to see Nunzio.

- You want to do a show about a pimp?

- Yeah.

- Breakthrough concept.

- Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah, good, good,

write it down, write it down.

- Yeah.

Number one,
number one, number one!

Number one, number one, number one!

Number one, number one!

- Now, now, now, now,

now, the moment you've
all been waiting for,

a preview of MBC's second season,

more magic with the De Salvo touch!

♪ MBC

♪ We're number one

♪ And sittin' pretty ♪

It's a
whole new Monday night

that begins with action,
adventure, and beautiful women.

You'll want to spend the
night with Nunzio's Girls.

He's the doctor of love.

- This ain't just a
business operation to me.

We're family.

Oh, hey, Rocco, the bulls, Rocco, hit it!

Don't worry about it, Daddy's here.

Yes, it's Nunzio's Girls,

they'll get your rocks off!

And then, Monday nights at 9:00.

- Let me tell you about a hot new star

coming to MBC.

He's gonna make you
forget about Tom Selleck

and all the others.

He's an international playboy,

a jewel thief, and a master spy.

He's Hamilton Rogue,

and he's coming your way
Monday nights on MBC,

starring Richie De Salvo, of course.

- This Rogue's for hire.

And then,
on Saturday mornings,

it's those crazy calamaris, the Goombas!

♪ Goomba, Goomba, Goomba, Goomba

♪ We're the Goomba folks

♪ Goomba, Goomba, Goomba, Goomba

♪ We love the Goomba jokes

♪ We're the Goomba girls

♪ And we're the Goomba boys

♪ We eat pizzas and calzones
and we make a lot of noise

♪ Goomba, Goomba, Goomba, Goomba

♪ We're having lots of fun

♪ Goomba, Goomba, Goomba, Goomba

♪ And when we are done

♪ Your father is a Goombha

♪ And another hunky Goomba

♪ And we have to keep
the Goombas number one

♪ Hey ♪

Number one,
number one, number one!

Hi, this is Francine.

I can't come to the phone right now.

If you leave a message at the
tone, I'll get back to you,

unless you're Vic De Salvo.

- Oh, come on, Francine.

You keep torturing me about this cruise.

It's been a month.

I'm a hit and I can't
enjoy it without you.

Francine, I'm sick of talking to a beep.

Come on, don't be angry at me.

Those families are enjoying
themselves, honest.

Guam is gorgeous this time of year.

Come on, Francine, I know you're there.

Come on, pick up the phone.

Come on, why do you do this to me?

Come on, Francine?

Francine, pick it up, pick it
up, pick it up, pick it up,

pick it up, pick it up, pick it up!

- In our show-biz headlines
tonight, TV's Bonnie Franklin

tells us how God changed her life,

Sally Struthers talks candidly
of her bout with chocolate,

and the nominees for the TV Digest Awards

were announced today,
but first, our top story.

Denise?

- CBS dropped a bombshell
today by announcing it

could no longer subscribe to
the Computron rating service.

At a hastily called news conference,

network spokesman Alvin
Small had this to say.

- We challenge the accuracy
of their polling methods.

How is it possible that Nunzio's Girls

beat the M♪A♪S♪H reunion special?

- This is a sorry day for Computron.

Never once in 30 years has our credibility

been challenged, until now.

I want an internal investigation,

I want a complete systems check,

and I want it today.

- Oh, no, we're in some hot water now.

- Yeah, we better get
outta this town fast.

- You dumb bastard, I oughta...

- I didn't know the race was fixed, boss.

- Uh oh, Goombas are in
trouble with their bookie.

- It's not bad enough we
gotta watch TV at night,

now we gotta watch it all damn day, too.

- It's about time they put something

on Saturday a person can relate to.

You fishbait son-of-a...

- Who the hell is that?

- I don't know.

- Well, go get rid of them.

Hey, I ain't
fighting no friggin' lone star.

- What do you want?

- Mr. Sweeney?

- Yeah.

- Mr. Carl Sweeney?

- Yeah, what's it to you?

- Oh, I'm from the TV
rating service and I wanted

to ask you some questions
about your viewing habits.

- Yeah, well, I can't talk now,

I've got some topovers in the oven.

- Hey, hey, who cut the flounder in here?

- Goody, I mean, who
would'a figured this, huh?

This is incredible.

Me, Vic De Salvo, up
for most popular actor.

I just hope my public supports me.

- What public, you got 200
goons watching your show.

Remember, it's the real
viewers that choose the winner,

So you ain't got a chance.

- Vic, I gotta talk to you.

- Ah, Francine.

- Listen to me, Vic, you
haven't got much time left.

They're onto you, they're
conducting an investigation.

- Oh, shit, I knew it.

Vic, we gotta get the ship back.

- How?

We lost contact with them
when they passed the equator.

- Well, we're getting lost
too, I'm making reservations.

- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute, I'm not going

anywhere until after that
award show tomorrow night.

- Vic, are you crazy?

It could be a matter of
hours before this whole thing

blows up in your face.

Goody is right, you gotta leave town.

- No, hold it.

Look, you people don't understand.

I came to Hollywood to make it big.

- You did that.

- But it's not official,

not until tomorrow night,

at that ceremony, when they read,

"And the nominees are:

"Vic De Salvo."

Francine,

I want you there, by my side.

That would make it perfect.

- I've been miserable without you, Vic.

- Me too.

Does that mean you'll come with me?

- Sure, what the hell?

- Uncle Vic, it's ready.

- Oh, thanks, Richie.

- Goody, would you fix me a double scotch?

- Yeah, I'll make it two.

- Your attention, please.

Mambo lessons on B-deck
have been postponed.

Good news is that we have
picked up a day and a half

due to the storm currents and we should be

in the Aleutian Islands
in time for Christmas.

Jingle bells, jingle
bells, jingle all the way!

- Oh, Mr. Vandergelder,
we don't exactly know

what De Salvo has done with the families,

but this scam is definitely
happening all over the country.

And now,
back to live coverage

of the 11th annual TV Digest Awards.

- And here comes the recipient

of tonight's lifetime achievement award,

ladies and gentlemen, one of
America's greatest comedians,

Mr. Benny Benson!

Still chasing the girls!

- You're on me, but I forgot
what to do when I catch 'em!

- That's our Benny.

- I'm taking a pretty big
chance, coming here tonight.

- It was worth it to
see you in that dress.

- Like it?

- Yeah, I like it.

- It's a bridal gown, my mother bought it

for me as a birthday hint.

- Hey, Bruno, don't get lost,

because right after the show,
I'm leaving for the airport.

- All right, boss.

Hey, uh, hey, boss, break a leg, huh?

- Okay.

- Officer, officer.

- Oh, program.

Vic, look, look!

- It finally hit the fan.

- Come on, we gotta get out of here.

- Uh, look, you go to your seat.

Don't worry about me.

If I could just duck them
until I hear my name called.

- Be careful.

- Yeah.

- Okay, go now, Benny.

- Oh.

- I don't want to have to take you

during the show six times, come on.

That's it, come on.

Don't dawdle in there.

- Well, he couldn't have
gotten out of this building,

all the exits are blocked.

- Well, we'll keep looking,
sir, he won't get away.

- If this is true, Braithwaite,

I'm going to feed your nuts to Buster.

- Parker, Denise Leclair, Showbiz Tonight.

- Oh, hi, Denise, hi.

Should be a terrific show this evening.

- Parker, they're already
calling it Ratingsgate,

the first rigging of the
ratings by a major network.

Any comment?

Live from Los Angeles,

the 11th Annual TV Digest Awards.

Brought to you by ChemCorp:

we're fighting to earn back your trust.

And Bow Wow Chow:

we only call it dog
food because we have to.

- Come on, zip it up,
Benny, the show's starting.

It's about time.

Come on.

That a boy.

Let's not catch a chill,
you're doing Merv tomorrow.

Okay, let's go.

And now,
your host, Mr. Steve Allen!

- Thank you very much,

and welcome to long
day's journey into night.

I guess I was the, uh, logical choice

to host this show, I'm the
only one in the business

who's not up for an award tonight.

But all seriousness aside,

it's a real pleasure for me

to look out here at
this particular audience

and see all the new faces

on top of the old faces.

But I do want to welcome everybody

to the TV Digest Awards.

And you know what makes
this show different

from the other 712 award shows

is that you, the viewer, pick the winners,

that's right, using the ballots
in your TV Digest Magazine.

And now, from the accounting
firm of Skank and Skank,

here's Mr. Zack Silverman
to explain the rules.

- All right, you little son of a bitch,

I know you're in there, come on out.

Holy shit.

- This is a hell of a
life achievement award.

- Well, here, now comes the moment

that I personally have been
looking forward to, the annual

presentation of TV Digest's
life achievement award,

given to those who have
distinguished themselves

in a long career of television excellence,

and who better to receive
this award than Benny Benson?

That's right, if you grew up in the '50s,

you knew Benny as Uncle
Moe on The Ginsburgs.

If you grew up in the '60s,

you knew him as Uncle
Ned on Give it to Gopher.

And if you grew up in the '70s,

you knew him as Gramps
on Them Darn McGintys.

Well, sir, he's 87 years old now,

and he still watches his
reruns from the actors' home

in Woodlands Hills, ladies and gentlemen,

Mr. Benny Benson, how about it?

Doesn't he look great?

Oh, thank you, my dear.

Benny, here's your well-deserved
award, God love you.

It's a TV award.

How about this, Benny?

- He stole my big
moment, I'm Benny Benson!

Go shoot him.

- What the...

- Benny, Benny!

- Ladies and gentlemen, how about this?

It's unplanned and unbelievable.

Benny Benson is doing one of
his great fall man sketches,

A Night at the Station!

Isn't that fantastic, folks?

A classic bit of slapstick
from the golden age of comedy.

- Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

87 years old, the man
can still take a pratfall.

- Okay, all right, we got him.

- You have the right to remain silent.

You give up that right to remain silent,

anything you say can and will be held

against you in a court of law.

- Vic, how could you do this to me?

- And now to join me
in presenting the award

for most popular actor, she's lovely,

she's talented, and she also
wrote this introduction,

Miss Jane Meadows, here she is.

- Oh, thank you, sweetheart,
for that lovely introduction.

The nominees for America's
most popular actor,

as voted by the readers of TV Digest, are:

Alan Alda...

- You have violated the sanctity

of the ratings system.

- Quiet, they're about to read my name.

Tom Selleck.

- You'll hear your name at
the arraignment, let's go.

Hey, you!

John Forsythe.

- Fan out, let's fan out!

Robert Wagner.

And Vic De Salvo.

- May we have the envelope
please, thank you.

- And the winner is, oh, so exciting.

- John Forsythe.

- Vic De Salvo.

- I won, I won?

I won, I won!

I won, I won, I can't believe it.

People must have been watching my show!

- Uncle Vic, way to go, Uncle Vic!

- Holy shit.

- Hey, Francine.

Thank you very much.

Thank you, I, uh,

I didn't think was gonna win,

so, I didn't prepare a speech.

But I'll wing something.

Uh, tomorrow, you's'a gonna be reading

some very adverse publicity about me.

These ain't exactly ID bracelets here.

These are cuffs.

I'd be lying if I said I
was sorry for what I did.

I've always wanted to be
part of this community,

and I feel vindicated

by this award, because...

- Salute, Vic.

- It tells me that there
were people watching my show,

and they like the show, it's
not just a handful of people

that were picked by a computer.

So, I just want to say that, uh,

this is the happiest night of my life.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, and one more thing.

There is a woman in the audience

who I'm probably not going to get

to see much of for a little while.

But I just want to tell her,

in front of millions of people

all over the country,

that I love her very much.

Thank you.

- Congratulations, we're
just going to walk over here.

- I think there's some people
waiting for me over here.

And so Vic
De Salvo was convicted

of tampering with television's
sacred rating system.

And from his new base of operations,

De Salvo turned MBC into
the number one network,

the programming genius of the age.

Mazel Tov!

And his
wedding to Francine Kester

became the social event of the season.

But in the excitement, one
question remained unanswered:

whatever became of those families?

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ Jingle all the way

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride

♪ In a one-horse open sleigh ♪

- Carmine.

- Ho, ho, ho!

Captain Santa here, now
hear this, present time!

Yes, there you are.

That's all, folks!

♪ All the way

♪ Jingle all the way ♪