The Perfect Match (1988) - full transcript

Jeannine, I think it was fate
that brought us together.

You know, think about it.

When I go walking into
the unemployment office
this morning,

I'm not expecting
to see anybody.

I stand in line
and I turn around,

and you're standing
right behind me.

You know, that's crazy.
And we started talking
with each other.

And now, here we are
on our first date.

Now, Jeannine,
I'm gonna take a chance. Okay?

I usually don't do this.
I usually don't size things up
this quickly.

But I'm gonna take a chance,



I'm gonna go out
on a limb here.

Jeannine...

I think we were
meant for each other.

Whatever you say, Jim.

Tim.

-What?
-Tim.

My name is, uh, Tim.

Whatever you say.

How come all your credit cards
have expired in 1980,

1984, 1976?

Don't you ever
throw anything away?

Nah.

I'm gonna go on
and get some popcorn

and, uh, we'll go to my place



and see some movies, huh?

Uh-huh.

Be right back.

Hey, bud. Have you got
any number 7 copper wire?

Some lady outside
just lost her keys.

Can't get her car started.

Here you go.

Hey, thanks.

-Is that it?
-Yup.

Hey, where are you going?

Hey! Where are you going?
That's my car!

I got Milk Duds!

One, two, three, four!

You want
to return these, right?

I want to return
the three on the bottom

and take out
the three on the top.

And put a goose in it,
will you please?
I'm double parked.

I can't afford
to get any more tickets.

Besides, I got my groceries
in the car and my ice cream
is melting.

Ooh. There you go, sir.

Thank you.

Uh-oh. Here comes the boss.

Nancy?

Yes, Mr. Wilhauser?

We want
to encourage business here,

not drive it away.

Yes, Mr. Wilhauser.

Nancy, Nancy, Nancy...

you're a wonderful little gal.

But you just don't have
any sense of merchandising.

See, you got to give
the people what they want.

Not what you want.

Yes, Mr. Wilhauser.

And, Nancy,

try to gain an appreciation
for the public's taste.

In time,

you'll come to like it.

Yes, Mr. Wilhauser.

May I help you, sir?

Yes, uh...

you have any copies of, uh...

Man-hungry Blonde Bitch?

Ooh.

Jeez, it's hot today.

Ah. Hell of a time
to be outside.

It's a wonderful time
to be outside.

Oh, yeah, I forgot
Ms. Nature-Lover here.

Give me good, old-fashioned
air conditioning any day.

So, what are you reading?

Pre-Columbian art
and its effect on
the Cubist movement.

I don't know why
you waste your time
on those blockheads.

Why didn't you take shop?

At least you'd be surrounded
by a lot of guys.

Well, they don't offer shop
at the university.

Besides I'm not going to school
to meet guys.

Education is my life.

That's your life?

Honey, you need help.

Uh, well, maybe you'll
meet somebody at the store.

No way.
I spend my entire day

renting out X-rated movies
to horny middle-aged morons.

Hey! Horny middle-aged morons
have bucks.

Find me
an independently wealthy
pre-Columbian Cubist.

Honestly, Vicky,
I spent ten minutes today

trying to get out
of a conversation with a man

who'd just rented the movie
Lick Me: Part 3.

Part 3 is out already?

Everything will happen
in its time.

I'll met the right guy someday.

I'm just tired of going through
all the wrong ones.

Nance,
you're 29 years old.

You've been in college
for ten years,

and who knows when
you'll ever graduate.

Maybe it's time to move on.

Now.

Listen, I know
a really great guy.

I'm gonna give him
your number.

-Vicky, I don't--
-Look, I'm not trying

to be pushy, I just hate to see
such a great girl as yourself

being such a mush.

So I'm a mush.

At least I'm my own mush.

Oh, damn.

Gotta go, honey.
Dermatologist appointment.

Beauty waits for no one.
Especially me.

You coming with Randy and me
to Henry's tonight?

Not to a steakhouse, no.

Oh. They say they're grain-fed.

Thanks. No, I'm going
to the ballet tonight.

Suit yourself. Ciao.

A mush?

Yeah, I got it.

Seven...

eight...

nine...

-Ten.
-Johnny, good timin'.

Better luck next time.

Thought I'd find you here.

I'm gonna beat that kid
one of these days.

Right.

So, did I tell you?
They found the jeep.

-No.
-Yeah. Completely totaled.

Looked like Tokyo
after Godzilla.

Well, you're gonna
get an insurance check, right?

-Yeah. That'll
pay off the loan.
-Yeah.

It's a good thing
Mom gave you
Dad's old Bug.

Yeah.

The adventure continues.

So, I start a new job today
with a big conglomerate.

-What, you?
-Yeah.

I think this is the break
I've been looking for.

Well, that is great,
because you know how
Suzie and I feel.

Yeah, I know, I don't
set my sights high enough.

Exactly. I mean, you're
dating a convicted felon.

-What is that?
-Hey!

You leave Jeannine out of this.
She had a good personality.

You know, I don't know why
I can't find a good woman.

God knows I try.

Suzie says
it's your own fault, man.

Really? Great.

Yeah. Suzie says
you got to clean up
your public image,

-you know?
-Oh.

Suzie says you, like,
act without thinking--

Yeah, you know, Suzie says
a lot. What do you think?

Well, I pretty much agree
with whatever Suzie says.

Hey, we think
a lot alike, okay?

Yeah, you guys are
perfect for each other.

That's right, Timmy.
We are perfect for each other.

We have absolutely
everything in common.

But it takes time
to find someone like that.

You have to divorce yourself
from your feelings.

You don't just grab anything
that comes along.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Of course I'm right.

Yeah, I do seem to get myself
in a lot of trouble.

I'm telling you, Timmy.
Careful, precise choices.

- You're absolutely right.
- Completely dispassionate.

- Totally agree.
- I mean,

if you want to find yourself
with an attractive,
talented, intelligent,

upstanding chick,

then you're gonna have to--
Timmy, are you listening--

Timmy?

-Hi, Beth.
-Hi.

Can I help you?

Uh, yes. Who was that
who just walked in?

-You mean Tammy?
-Hm.

-She's one
of our ad counselors.
-Oh.

Would you like to place an ad?

Uh, uh... Yeah.

Just wait over there.
She'll be right out.

And fill out an ad form
while you're waiting.

Can I help you?

Do you want to follow me?

Your ad form, please.

You can sit down.

You're gorgeous.

Thank you.

Is this the first time
you've done this?

Mm-hm. Yeah.

I thought so.
You have that look.

Now, what do you like
to do in your spare time?

I, uh...

um, I...

I like watching television.

Okay. Sports?

Uh, I watch sports, yeah.

No. I mean, do you play sports?

Oh, "play sports."
Of course I play sports.

Well, what kind
of sports do you play?

Uh, well, uh...

so, so many.

Tennis?

Tennis? Oh, yes, yes, tennis.
I love tennis. Yes.

And... and skiing.
I love to ski.

This is great.
This is the kind of stuff
we want, Tim.

Horses. I love horses.

You ride?

I ride 'em, I race 'em,
I just like to climb
all over 'em.

That's nice.
I like horses, too.

Really?

You know, it's funny.

I never would've taken you
for the outdoors type.

Oh. You know, that's funny

'cause a lot
of people tell me that.

I guess it's because I don't
tan easily.

Um, ever since
the skydiving accident...

What about
cultural activities?

Cultural activities?

Yeah, for instance,
do you like the theater?

Which theater?

Any theater.

Do you... Do you go to plays?

Oh, plays? Plays. I love plays.

I can't live without 'em.
When I'm not playing sports,
I'm going to plays.

You know, you are
an amazing man, Tim.

- Well...
- What about food?

I... I love it.
I can't live without it.

What kind of food do you like?

Good food. Uh, gourmet.

Gourmet. Mm.

Uh, drinking?

No. No. Well, at...
at weddings.

Hmm. Sex?

No. No, I can't stand it.

You can't stand sex?

No. No, no, I... I... I...
I don't hate sex. I love sex.

When I'm not, you know,
playing sports

or, you know,
going to plays, I'm...

I'm having sex.

Great. Well, that should do it.

So, did I, uh, pass?

This wasn't a test.

I just needed the information
so I could find the right girl
for you.

What about you?

Oh, Tim...

You're way too active for me.

I mean, I'm pretty much
a homebody.

The minute I start
running on the beach

or playing tennis...

I get so dizzy.

But I don't do that
all the time.

I like to snuggle up
on the couch

and watch basketball games
on TV.

I'd bore you in no time flat.

Well, you know, I've...
I've got to admit

that I've been thinking
of mellowing out.

My idea of recreation is
lying in bed,

making love to my man
all day long.

Yeah.

Uh, can I...

Can I ask you one question?

-Sure.
-Uh,

How many ice cubes
do you put in your drinks?

Ice cubes?

Mm. Yeah. How many?

Actually, none.

I prefer crushed ice.

Well, that's some consolation.

Excuse me, Tammy.
The painters have finished.

You can go back
to your office now
for your next interview.

Okay, Mr. Carlson. Thanks
for letting us use yours.

Your ad will begin
running tomorrow.

I can't believe that date
didn't work out for you
last night.

He just wasn't my type.

Not a great talker.

Ha. Of course he wasn't
a great talker.

He's a delivery man, honey.

If his IQ were
five points lower,
he'd be a geranium.

Then why did you set us up?

Because, well, he was
willing to go out with you.

Oh, thanks a lot.

So, did he try getting
his hands on you?

Yeah. He tried.

And what happened?

I told him to stop.

Why?

Because I like
to get to know a man

before I start all that, Vicky.

I mean, the only thing I knew
about this guy was

that he wasn't
too fond of showers.

And I don't think
he understood English too well.

I mean, he didn't
get the message

when I told him
to take his hands off,

so... I had to use
a more direct approach.

Such as?

I told him I thought
I heard somebody breaking
into his truck.

No, no, no.
This guy is different.

I mean, I wouldn't
call him an intellectual,
but he can read.

Well, that's
certainly a step up.

Hey, Nance,

have you seen
these Loveline ads?

Loveline?

Yeah. You know, it's like
the personal columns.

People looking
for other people.

You think I'm low enough
to stoop to that?

A lot of people do this,
you know, Nance.

It's not so crazy.

Yeah?

You want to do what to me?

Who is this?

No, I don't have
any interesting scars.

I think you got
the wrong number.

No, I didn't put an ad
in a newspaper.

Oh!

Yeah. Yeah, that's me.

Uh, but you don't want
to go out with me
because, um...

I have leprosy,

and everything keeps falling
off at the worst moments.

Oh, God.

I can't believe
I did it, John.

This is the worst thing
that I've ever done.

I mean, I lied
so much in this ad that...

you know, I came out
as a cross between
Hugh Hefner and Ted Turner.

I mean, you know, so far
I've gotten calls
from three hookers,

two gay guys, and a nun.
It's killing me.

You know, how I hate
turning people away.

Got to go.

Great way to end a phone call.

Make them think you're busy.

They'll see that
as a sign of success.

Oh, and speaking of success,

we're starting our expansion
to the sixth floor,

and you will be
the first to go.

Now that sounds terrific.

So what do you think, Tim?
You think the big guy will go for it?

I mean, 20% over 15 years.
It's a good deal, Tim.

Think about those futures
in pork bellies.

Don't you know
the future's in pork bellies?

And if you pull this one off,
I got a big defense deal
for you.

Hey, you married, kid?

Why does your office
sound so strange?

You in the hallway
or something?

So you still haven't found
anybody who you like in here?

None of those guys
sound like my type.

Mm. You got to stop thinking
of your type of guy.

Live a little.

So, how was
your Brazilian date?

Oh, Nance.
Coffee is not the only thing

they know how
to grow down there.

You're changing the subject.

Oh!

Here. This looks like
exactly what you need.

"Mid-twenties,
man of the world.

Looking for fun, active girl.

Uh, must like tennis,

skiing, camping,
and all kinds of sports.

Appreciation for food
and theater a must.

Anything goes,
if you're up to it."

"Anything goes"?

That can mean anything.

Nance, you got to start
living on the edge.

I don't want
to live on the edge.

I like a nice, safe middle.

Besides I don't
play tennis or ski.

What would a man
of the world
want with me?

Stop trying
to tell me what you are.

Start thinking about
what you want to be.

What have you got to lose?

"Good food and theater" part
sounds nice.

Hmm.

So, what do you say?

Shall we go for it?

Okay, come on, let's
get it inside now. Inside.

Not-- Come on!

Okay, get back.

Get the hands up.
Don't let him do it!

No, not the layup!

Come on. Come on.
Baby needs new shoes. Come on.

"Baby needs new shoes"?

Johnny, you just missed
the play of the game.

Oh, yeah? What's the score?

Tied. Third period.

Come on, now!

I got to tell you,
these refs are getting paid off

or just... Something
on the side, because they are
not blowing whistles.

Ooh, whoa, yeah!

Can you-- What? What is this?

Hey, Timmy.

What's that noise?

-What noise?
-That.

Oh! That's my new neighbor,
Mr. Andras. The guy's a maniac.

He gets more action
in one week than I've seen
my entire lifetime.

Hold it down, up there!

Oh, Timmy, come on,
your phone's
off the hook again.

Yeah, that's the way
I wanna keep it.

No!

Hello?

You want who?

The guy that placed the ad?

Oh, yes, just a minute.
I believe he's here.

The guy that placed the ad.

This is the third world.

Hello?

Is the man of the world?

Well, not exactly.
You see, I have lep--

Hold on a second.
I have someone who wants
to talk to you.

Talk to him, dumbo.

Hello.

Yeah, is the someone there?

Uh, yes.

Uh, I'm calling about your ad.

You sound like
a very nice person.

And I think
I'd like to meet you.

Come on. Tell him
how beautiful you are.

Yeah, you...
you sound nice, too.

Oh. I am a nice person.

I'm also pretty.

Extremely pretty.

I'm gorgeous.

Wow, that's great. I'm...

not too bad-looking myself.

You also sound very outdoorsy,

uh, sports and all.

That sounds like fun, you know.

Well, you know, uh,

skiing, hiking, tennis,
I love 'em all.

How about you?

Uh...

yes. I like to keep active too.

You also sound cultured.

What kind of theater
do you enjoy?

Theater? Yeah, you know,
I like...

I like going to plays.
I like plays.

Oh, so do I.

Uh, a good Restoration comedy

or a Greek tragedy
to provide food for thought,
don't you think?

Whatever you say.

So, do you want
to go out to dinner,
say, Friday night?

This... this Friday?

Uh...

well, yeah... yeah.
I... I guess.

Uh-huh.

Mm-hm.

Great.

Okay, got it.

So, we'll...
we'll see you then.

Yay.

Wainwright shoots,
he scores. Hello.

Tennis?

You play tennis?

Timmy, the closest you have
ever gotten to a net
was when you were nine

and Mom and Dad
almost had you committed.

I played a couple of times
in high school.

Okay, fine. And hiking?
What about hiking?

What's the big deal?
You put on shoes,
you walk through the forest.

Timmy, the grocery store
is a block away, and you drive.

That's because I'm in a rush,
not because I can't walk.

Oh, and skiing.
When have you ever
tried skiing?

Never. But I've seen pictures.

I mean, it doesn't look
that tough. I'll pick it up.

Oh, boy,
you're really in it now.

What can I do? I mean, tell her
everything in the ad was a lie?

Besides, you're the one that
keeps telling me I got to
improve myself.

Wait a minute. I was talking
about a lifetime project,

not an overnight metamorphosis.

You're really gonna go for
the whole nine yards on this,
aren't you?

I got to.

I'll tell you what
I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna lend you
one of my suits.

What? You'd do that for me?

Yeah.

The shoes?

Shoes.

And the tie?

Tie.

And the car?

Car?

I feel like I should
carry a sign saying
which credit cards I accept.

Well, thanks a lot.
That happens to be
one of my best outfits.

I think you look super.

Are you sure
it won't scare him off?

Well,

no. No.

Not once you get
the right makeup and shoes.

Right now, it looks like

you're standing outside
and this fell on you.

I don't know, Vicky.

I'm having serious misgivings
about this whole thing.

Well, don't.
Now, sit up straight.

Remember to laugh
at everything he says.

And loosen up. Have some fun.

Oh.

What if he's
like everybody else?

If he puts his hands on me,
I'll scream.

Look, I gave you
my mace cannister
and my rape whistle.

He'll think he made a pass
at Bernhard Goetz.

All right.
Now, this is Windsor knot.
Are you paying attention?

-It's hard to breathe.
-Okay.

Well, it pays to live your life
with style, Timmy, my boy.
Arms, please.

Now, we could
strategically place
a monogrammed handkerchief

to the breast pocket.
Although, I believe
that would be

over-accessorizing just a tad
for this occasion.

Besides, they're my monograms.

I don't think
this is gonna work.

She's gonna know right away
that I'm an ordinary slob.

Timmy. If you want to
be a success, you've got to
think success.

Remember, you're only as good
as you believe you are.

You're right.

I'm successful.

I'm in control.

That's the spirit.

I'm a man of great power.
I can move mountains.

And I can change
the destinies of the oceans.

Women faint at my feet--

No, no, wait. They don't
faint at my feet, they grovel.

Because if they faint,
they can't grovel.

I can choose any woman I want.

I am irresistible.

I am a stud!

Easy, Tim.

Breathe in.

You must be Tim.

I almost forgot
about our date tonight.

Please, forgive the way I look.

I'll just fetch my wrap
and we can dash.

You must be Tim. Come in.

Sorry I'm late.
It's a tough place
to park around here.

City sanitation trucks
all over the place.

Yes. It is a bother, isn't it?

You just never can tell
when a sewer's
going to explode.

Ah! Can I get you a drink?

No, no.

-Some tea?
-No, no, no. No, thanks.

This is for you.

It's real.

Oh! Thank you.

That's very sweet of you.

I'll get a va-- vase.

I'll just make myself at home.

Oh. Please.

Foster...

Anderson set a good screen,
gave him the ball,

and Rodney puts it in.

And that is Rod's sixth point--

Hoo.

Just checking the latest
Dow Jones averages.

Hey, that's a nice coat.

Would you help me
put it on please?

Oh, sure. Sure.

Thank you.

So, you lived here long?

Heavens, no.

This is just a temporary
pied-a-terre,

just to dash in and dash out.

-Shall we dash?
-Yeah.

So, what line of business
are you in, Tim?

Uh, it's diversified.

Uh, you know,
I have my own company.

Uh, we're pretty heavy into
the financial markets.

Uh, we also have
a few defense contracts.

We put new weapons
through their paces
for the government.

Weapons?

Uh, you mean, kill people?

No. No. No. No, no, no.

Uh, we work only with
the highly sophisticated, uh,

new, uh, top-secret weapons.

They mainly just stun people.

Oh, you're very witty.

So, let me guess what you do.

Clothes designer?

-No?
-No. No.

Um...

I'm in, well,

uh, I guess you could call it

the, um, scholastic sector.

Uh, education.

Oh. You're a teacher?

A professor. I'm...
I'm a professor.

Oh, does this mean
I have to call you "Doctor"?

Well, you don't have to
be that formal.

You can just call me
"Doc."

So, what do you teach?

What do I teach?

What do I teach...

Um, history.

I... I... I teach history.

Oh, that must be
very interesting.

History, uh, has its moments.

Would you like to begin
with hors d'oeuvres?

Uh, what would you suggest?

Well, our caviar's excellent.
It's fresh from the Baltic.

Oh. Frankly, I don't think
I can bring myself

to eat baby fish eggs
that were gutted
from a pregnant mother fish.

Uh, escargot is also superb.

It's sauteed in a delicious
garlic and butter sauce.

Snails can be cute and slimy,

but never food.

Uh, why don't we just start off

with a couple of
dinner salads, okay?

Oh, that sounds great.

I should've
thought of that myself.

And for your main course?

Well, would you like to make
a suggestion?

See anything you like?

Oh, yes. I believe
I'll have the baked potato.

Buttered sour cream
with chives?

Yes, please.

It's a fine choice, madam.
It's a fine ch--

And for you, sir?

Uh, can I ask you a question
about this one?

It's our first date.
I had no idea.

Do you want to see her again?

-I guess so.
-Be careful what you order.

What do you think about
the rack of lamb?

No, that's no good. It'll
probably remind her of Mary--

What about the duck a l'orange?

I wouldn't chance it.

Look, perhaps she wouldn't
be offended by something basic.

Such as?

So, was it the veal parmesan
you decided on, sir?

Uh, no.
It was the next one down.

Uh, yes. The prime rib.

No. Look,
I'll take this.

-It's a shark.
-It was killed in self-defense,
I'm sure of it.

I'm sorry about the fuss.

It's just that I find

eating flesh of animals
repugnant and disgusting.

I mean, when you consider that
a poor baby lamb is raised

solely for the privilege
of having his throat slashed
and his bowels excavated...

Nancy,
I think I get the idea.

How do you feel about bread?

I'm sorry. I'm usually
not this particular.

It's all right.
Don't give it another thought.

You know,
I'd quit eating meat myself

if I wasn't afraid it was gonna
kill my sex drive.

Well, Tim, it's, uh...

been really...

Words aren't necessary
at a time like this.

They aren't?

No.

Shall I...

come in?

Sure.

O... Okay. Yeah. Okay.

I enjoyed
being with you tonight...

Doc.

Uh, I had fun, too.

Uh, would you
care for some tea?

No.

Coffee?

Nope.

Wine?

Water?

No.

Wheat Thins?

Cheez Doodles?

Just this.

You all right?

I really, really want
to build a relationship first.

I'm... I'm sorry.

I... I just thought, um,

that's what we're
supposed to do.

Maybe, uh...

I should, uh...

go.

That would be good.

Good night.

Pork bellies.

I want December pork bellies.

And if this guy is crazy enough
to call you back,

I think you should
go out with him again.

I don't think so, Vicky.
I mean, he makes
weapons for war.

Hey, don't knock war.
A lot of great movies
come out of war.

Besides, if nobody created
new weapons,

what would happen
to the toy business?

Let's see.
I Drink Your Blood,

I Eat Your Skin,

I Dance on Your Corpse,
I Spit on Your Grave.

Have a nice day.

Hmm. Getting into some
heavy drama tonight, huh?

I'm planning on
a very intense weekend.

Either of you two care
to join me?

Sorry. We return to the womb
on the weekends.

Oh.

Ew.

And the worst part of it was

the evening didn't start off
so bad.

I mean, I was actually
beginning to like Tim.

He had a kind of goofy charm...

till his animal urges
took over.

You have to make up your mind
sometime, Nance.

I already have.

Carnivore is not for me.

That carnivore has bucks,
and knows how to spend 'em.

That doesn't mean much to me.

Oh, I don't know, Vicky.

Listen, Nancy,

you cannot keep
avoiding relationships.

I really believe that
out there somewhere,

somebody perfect...

I got it. My phrenologist.

Phrenologist?

The bald-headed Indian
who walked on your back?

No, no, no, no. Fred, remember?

You know, the guy who
told me that I was going to be
visited by my mother,

by feeling the bumps
on my head,

and then the very next day,
she dropped by?

Your mother drops by
every day, Vicky.

This is like a vision.

This is perfect.
You and Fred together.

My uncle Arnie was put away
for having visions.

Listen, if I'm wrong, you can
take away my credit cards.

Let me just sleep on it,
all right?

No.

Now, I can't
do everything myself, Nancy.

I mean, you're
gonna have to make
some kind of effort.

It hurts me to see you
letting yourself go like this.

Oh, I give up.

How you doing, Mom?

Okay. A little tired, but okay.

My goodness, Timothy,
the last time I saw you
in a tie,

you were a penguin
in a school play.

I should've known then
what a pain it was.

Greetings, This is Fred the phrenologist.

I'm out reading
somebody's head right now,

but you can leave a message,
and I'll get back to you.

You only have a few seconds,
so better make it
theReader's Digest version.

Ciao.

Hi. Um, this is Nancy.

I mean, my name is
Nancy Bryant,

and I--

Uh, this is Nancy Bryant.

Um, Vicky Potter that perhaps

maybe--

This is Nancy Bryant.
Vicky Potter said
we should go out.

Five-five-five-six-seven
O-three. Call me. Thanks.

Have a nice...

...day.

Yeah?

Hello, Marty?

This isn't Marty Rebello?

You sound awfully familiar.

Nancy?

Tim?

Yeah.

Yeah. Hey, how you doing?

Hey, I'm glad you called.

I, um...

I wanted to say...

Yes?

Listen. I just wanted to say
that I guess I behaved
like a jerk the other night.

Do you know what I mean?
I was under a lot of stress.

Well, you have
a very high-pressure business.

I must say, I wasn't
acting too mature either.

In fact, I owe you an apology.

So, what do you think? You want
to give it another try?

Sure.

I mean...

you're worth
at least that much.

Thanks.

Uh, why don't we go, uh,

to someplace
that you like this time?

Okay. I know a place.

It's not as fancy
as you're used to,

but I'm sure you'll
have a good time.

In fact, I can get tickets
to the Philharmonic
if we go on the 12th.

Whatever you want. You know,

sounds great.

Uh... uh... six o'clock?

Good. Good, good.

Uh, great.
So, uh, see you then.

This is
really exciting.

I've never brought
a date here before.

Now, the macrobiotic souffle
here is wonderful.

Papaya, sprouts,
all loaded with vitamins.

Good.

Uh...

Looks like the only thing
in here with meat on
is the cook.

They just don't want you
to poison your body.

Excuse me.
Have you decided yet?

Uh, yes. I'll have
the endive and sprout salad.
And then the mezzani.

Okay, fine. And for you, sir?

Oh. Uh...

The soy bean surprise
sounds delicious.

Thank you very much. Thank you.

I'm so glad you ordered
that soy beans.

They're so good
for your system.

In fact, your body
will feel all flushed out.

Hey, well, that sounds good.

And I know that
you love theater and all that,

but you just don't seem
the type who'd go crazy

over Beethoven's
String Quartets.

It was a very
fulfilling experience.

And I didn't mind eating
at The Forbidden Planet.

The Plentiful Planet.

Well, whatever.
I enjoyed the whole night.

Yeah.

I did, too.

Oh, I'm so anxious to share
new cultural experiences
with you.

I'm just
brimming with new ideas.

Paintings I want you to see,
books I want you to read.

Do you like books?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I love books.

Oh. What was
the last book you read?

Uh, I believe it was
the novelization
of Staying Alive.

Um, make yourself at home.
The stereo's on the shelf.

I made us some tea.

I'd prefer a coke. Classic.

I'm sorry. I don't
keep that stuff in the house.

Okay. Where do you
keep it? Is it far?

Actually, it's okay.

Tea is fine. Thank you.

You know, I'm really glad
we had this second date, Tim.

You're a lot of fun
to be around.

Well, I enjoy
being with you, too, Nancy.

I wish, uh...

What?

I wish...

I knew what this piece was
that we're listening to.

It's Borodin.

The "Polovtsian Dances"
from Prince Igor.

Prince Igor.

Borodin.

"Polovtsian Dances."

Excuse me.
I'll just get the tea.

Those are my parents.

I never knew
your parents were trees.

They're
beside the trees.

It's Sequoia. They went there
before they were married.

Your folks took vacations
before they tied the knot?
I'm shocked.

Well, it made sense.

A long weekend to find out
if they were compatible.

Well, I can't tell who
looks more compatible,
your folks or the trees.

Well, Mom broke out
in a nervous rash,

but other than that...

I'm here, aren't I?

You know...

a long weekend
does sound nice.

It does?

It does.

Someplace secluded,

isolated,

romantic.

I know a place.
It's a resort in the mountains.

It has hiking, and skiing,
and camping,

and horseback riding,
and tennis, and all the things
you love to do.

In fact,

you could maybe teach me
a few new moves on the slopes.

You could
say that again.

What happened to your BMW?

Oh, uh...
That's in the shop.

It's the only loaner they had.

Well, is it safe?

Oh, yeah, sure, it's safe.

As long as we don't go over 25.

Tim, will you hold my hat?

251, Tim. 251--
Here we are. Here we are.

Great.

Here we are.

Oh.

Well, what do you think?

I think I want
to put these bags down.

Oh, Tim, I'm sorry.
Let me help.

-Thanks.
-Oh, I think this is great.

Look at the view!

Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So, guess I'll go to my room
and get ready.

Ooh. See you in, say,

how's 20 minutes sound?

Fine.

That'll give you enough time
to get ready for the slopes?

Oh. Plenty.

-Tim.
-Yeah?

Thanks for carrying my bags.

You're welcome.

-Oh. Tim.
-Yeah?

I'll see you in the lobby?

See you in the lobby.

Oh, Tim.

Bye.

Bye.

What the hell am I doing here?

Boy,
it certainly is beautiful.

And big.

Yeah.

I could just
stay in the lodge all day
and just look at it.

Yeah, well, you know,
that is a great idea.
Why don't we just do that?

You don't have
to compromise yourself for me.

I mean, let's just
put our skis on and do it.

Okay.

But I got to warn you,
I'm a little rusty.

Well, this is
my first time out.

Th... This year, I mean.

Yeah, it's, uh,
my first time out
this year, too.

I guess that's why we're both
a little bit nervous.

Yeah. Let's see.

You know, I do that every year.
Let me give you a hand.

Whoa!

Hi. Do you two know
what you're doing?

We're just a little rusty.

- Ma'am, come towards me.
-Okay.

I got her. Get me.
Thank you.

- Okay.
You all right?
- Yeah. Fine.

Okay. What I want you
to do now is put your poles
on the outside hand...

and look over
your inside shoulder.

Here we go.

Wow, this is fun.

Yeah, yeah. Look at that view.

Pretty nice, huh?

Oh.
I'm afraid of heights.

Why did we stop?

-What's happened?
-Don't worry. Don't worry.

Probably just for
a couple of seconds.

Probably just some beginner

having a little problem
getting on.

- Oh.
- Let's just relax.

Okay.

Almost time to get off.

You might have to
help me a little.

You got it.

Your poles.
Don't forget your ski poles.

Your poles! Your ski poles!

Get off the chair!

Don't stop the lift.

I wouldn't dream of it.

I've never
been so embarrassed in my life.

Mm.

You folks all right?

Yeah, it looks like you need
some new poles there.

Whoa!

Nancy!

Go this way!

So, did you folks
have a nice fall
down the mountain?

$72 for ski poles?

Well, that's cheap.
I charged you for used ones.

Hey,
we got a fine ski day.

It's all you do, snow bunnies
and your hands on snow poles
out there.

Spring skiing! Do I love it!

Yes, listen, we are
going to party all night

till the dawn's early, and then
we're gonna ski all day,

and shoo, shoo, shoo
those blues away
every day. Ha-ha!

How's your drink?

What?

Your drink!

Oh, it's fine! Thank you!

You want to dance?

-What?
-Dance!

It might be safer
than sitting here.

So you want
to go back to the table
and finish the drinks?

Yeah.

What happened?

I'm hit.

Just hang on,
and I'll pull you up.

I never knew dancing
could be so violent.

Yeah, it's a good thing
the Red Cross was
having its annual convention,

or I think I would've
bled to death.

You know, I must say

that you are a fabulous dancer.

Well, I must say

that you're
about the worst dancer
I've ever seen.

Well, you know,
I got to tell you, though,

that the secret to dancing

is experimentation.

Well, I think
tonight your experiment failed.

So, you didn't have fun?

It's a funny thing.

Even with the body slams
and the girl who kept
pulling my hair...

I have had fun today.

So you're not sorry you came?

No.

Oh! Ooh.

-What happened?
-My jaw.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

-That's all right?
-Mm.

-Is it gonna be all right?
-Yeah.

You just have to be
a little more gentle.

Tomorrow will be here
sooner than we think.

Yeah.

So, well...

see you at breakfast?

Okay.

-Tim?
-Yeah.

Thank you.

Do we dare go
horseback riding tomorrow?

We're gonna have a trained guy.
What could possibly go wrong?

I think getting out
into the wilderness tomorrow
will do us a lot of good.

Yeah. Thank God
for long weekends, huh?

And did you remember
to tell the rental place,
two tents?

- I did.
- Thank you.

Ladies first.

Oh, okay.

Ahem.

All set?

All set.

Is it my serve?

Tim?

Pass it around. Pass it--
Look for the good shot.

Pop it, Riley. Pop it.

Two points. Hello.

Okay, defense. Hands up.
Get the hands up.

Block red.

Three seconds, Ref.
What you doing?

Lose the whistle? Come on!

Stolen! Taken away.

Johnson to Riley.
Two points, it's a runaway.

Smell that air.

Mm, smells great.

You know, this is what
we probably should've done
right from the beginning.

Get away from all those people.

They're too dangerous.

You're exactly right.

Oh, look. There's another one
of those Xs.

That's so we don't get lost.

As long as we keep
seeing those Xs,

we'll know we're going
in the right direction.

Are you sure
we have everything?

I had the guide
check it twice.

-Oh.
-Whoo!

Boy, look at that.

-Yeah.
-This is beautiful, huh?

-Oh, it's gorgeous.
-Yeah.

-Hey, let's take a breather.
-Yeah.

Oh.

Hey. You stay right there.

Oh, no, no, no. No.

-I look terrible.
-You look great.

Okay, now tilt your head.

Yeah, yeah.
Turn a little to the right.

Good, good.
Makes for good composition.

Do you do much photography?

Eh, not anymore.
I used to do it a lot,

but I really don't have
that much time.

I used to work
for the Daily Planet.

Now come on,
Turn your head to the right
and try to look sexy.

That's it.

Now come on,
look at the camera and smile.

Get the right stakes.

Yeah. These are them.

You know, I think we
would've been better off
renting one big tent.

Oh, you mean it's my fault
that I requested two tents?

No. I just meant...

Would it have been any easier
if we had one big hotel room?

Look, I booked two rooms,

and I never suggested
any other arrangement.

You're right, I'm sorry.

It's just that I'm a little
ratty after the fall.

And I'm starved.

I think I've got
a low blood sugar.

Little hungry myself.

Look, it's gonna get dark
before we know it,

so, uh, you finish up here.

Finish? Wait. Wait a minute,
I don't know what
I'm doing here.

You're the camper.

What?

Look, you said you'd been
camping hundreds of times.

Well, never with
these kinds of tents.

Well, you're doing a great job.
I think this looks fantastic.

Now, look,
I gotta go start a fire,

'cause we're gonna need a fire.

Well, don't you need any
matches and lighter fluid?

Matches and lighter fluid?
I don't need that stuff.

Well, how are you gonna
light a fire?

Like I always light a fire
when I gotta light a fire
when I'm camping.

Like the Indians do.

Tim, I did
the best I could.

How's the fire coming?

Well, it must've
rained recently 'cause
everything is damp.

-Well, I have some matches.
-No.

No, no. What is need...

is some dry kindling.

Do you think you could find me
some dry kindling?

-Kindling?
-Under trees where it's dry.

I'm gonna check the tent.

Well, I did the best I could.

- Tim.
- Yeah.

Yeah.

This is all
I could find.

It doesn't seem damp.

What's wrong?

I asked for kindling.

-Well, there wasn't
any kindling.
-Okay, okay, okay.

It's fine, it's fine.
This is great.

Why don't you go get
the cooking utensils,

and get that food ready,

and I'll get this
fire started, okay?

-Okay.
-Good, good.

Now we're cooking.

So, is that the way the Indians
open up a can of beans?

No.

When the knapsack burned,
it melted the can opener.

Why did you put the beans
in one knapsack

and the can opener in another?

Because, if I put the beans
in with the can opener,

the beans would've melted.

Well, then, why did you
put the can opener

in with the TV dinners?

I don't know!

Well, no food, one tent,

What next?

Sorry I asked.

Don't worry,
the tent will keep us dry.

This tent is sagging worse
than my grandmother.

Are you insinuating
I don't know what I'm doing?

Since you brought it up...

Where are you going?

The great outdoorsman

is gonna go outside
and dig a trench
around this fabulous tent.

I don't think a trench
is gonna do it.

Yuck!

Yuck.

The tent is up.

I don't know for how long,
but the tent is up.

And I dug a trench
completely around it.

Well, then, I guess
you do know what you're doing.

You're the camping
and hiking expert.

Why don't you go outside
and secure the tent?

It's not just camping
and hiking, how about tennis?

People who live in glass houses
shouldn't throw stones.

-Meaning?
-You can't ski.

-You can?
-And I wouldn't have gotten

this black eye,
if you knew how to dance.

And I wouldn't have
lost control of my horse

if yours hadn't backed
into the electric fence.

I didn't know he was gonna
back into that fence.

My point exactly.
I rest my case.

Oh!

And that's another thing.

Would you stop screaming?

I think you blatantly lied
in your ad.

I did not.

I happen to have experience
in everything I said,

I just haven't
done 'em in a while.

When was the last time,
in a previous life?

Oh, and you seemed so nice
and innocent.

When did you ever do anything
you've done this weekend?

Well, I wanted to learn how
from a patient,
experienced man.

I shelled out good money
so some novice can learn?

You own your own business,
write it off as
a business weekend.

Oh, it certainly was
all business, wasn't it?

Ooh, why does talking to you
seem so pointless?

'Cause that's all you
professor cats know
how to do, is talk.

That's why college
is a waste of time.

I'd rather take the school
of hard knocks anytime.

Well, I think
one particular hard knock
dislodged your brain.

Nancy,
don't make me cry.
Where are you going?

The Holiday Inn?

Anywhere but here
is fine with me!

Oh, yeah? Well, you think
I like sharing a tent
with somebody

who doesn't
eat like an American?

I'll have you know
that the way I eat

is, A, humane, B, healthy,
and C, the future.

Well, since your going out,
you mind picking me up
a cheeseburger,

and some French fries?

Oh.

Oh, you beautiful car.

Oh, no.

- Oh, why!
- Wait!

I'll tell you why.

Because the keys were
in the other backpack.

But I always keep
an extra key on it.

I thought
this was a loaner.

No, Nancy, it's mine.

I don't care anymore.

I just wanna go home.

$452.33 for camping.

Well, listen, uh--

Good thing it was used.

Right.

All things must
come to an end, Nancy.

Out of 180 units necessary
to graduate, you have 502.

Therefore, I am graduating you at the end of this quarter.

Yes, Dean Kent.

- Oh, hot dog.
Just like an organ.
- Beautiful.

I told Harry I thought
I'd be bored to death.

Come one down
to Paulby Motors.

...out about it.

...on one.
Seven to six.

Joey,
talk about breaking a hand
on the rim.

Most broken hands,
broken fingers,

uh, come on the defensive end
of the court.

when you are underneath,
jumping out,

or jumping back up
and your hand, you know,
is coming against the back,

but, um, you know, if the front of your hand hits the rim,

you very rarely break it.
In fact, I don't think

I've ever seen a case
of that happening--

Have you ever
mis-shot one of those

and hit the rim yourself?

- With the ball on the break away?
- -Yeah.

- No.
- Never?

- No.
- -We're sure if he misses from the line

the Bruins can pull through
to within two

if they get one down here.

...what can we do?

Audrey, it's no good.

You should've seen
the commotion
in that locker room.

I had to knock down three people to get this stuff we're wearing here.

- Oh, let me, let me hold
that old wet grass of yours.

Do I look as funny
as you do?

I guess I'm not quite
the football type.

You... you look wonderful.

You know if it wasn't me
talking, I'd say you were
the prettiest girl in town.

Well, why don't you say it?

I don't know,
maybe I will say it.
How old are you anyway?

-Eighteen.
-Eighteen?

But it was only last year
you were 17.

Too young or too old?

Oh, no, no. Just right. Your age fits you.

Yessir, you look a little older
without your clothes on.

I mean, without a dress,

you look older, I mean younger. You look a...

We're gonna try out
a new club tonight.

Would you come with us?

No, thanks.

- A pox upon me for a clumsy lout...
-Hmm.

Rumor has it,

there are two men for
every woman at the palace.

Gorgeous, beautiful men
by the dozens.

I hate clubs.

I hate men by the dozens.

I hope that jerk didn't
ruin you for life.

It's not him.

I just have to quit
spinning my wheels.

Well, then, I have
just the thing for you.

No, Vicky. Stop trying
to ruin my life!

It's time for me
to do what I want.

Okay.

You got it.

Now, now, Nancy.

Oh, pipe down,
you little weedy.

How did you
happen to fall in?

I didn't fall in.

I jumped in
and saved you.

You what?

You saved me?

Well, I did,
didn't I?

You didn't
go through with it, did you?

-Through with what?
- Suicide.

- It's against
the law to commit suicide.

Hi.

Hello.

Uh, I hope I'm not
disturbing you.

No. No. No. No.
I, I was just sleeping.

Sleeping?

It's only 7:30.

Yeah.

I haven't been
feeling too good.

Me either.

Can I come in?

Uh...

Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Maid didn't come in today.

Have a seat.

No. I can't stay.

I just came by
to give you a check

for half the rental
equipment.

That's very sweet,
but I don't want your money.

No. Please, take it.

It's okay, really.
Don't even worry about it.
I put it on my credit card.

Well...

I also came by to apologize.

Bless you.

Thank you.

You were right.

About people living
in glasshouses.

I'm not a professor
of history.

I'm not a professor
of anything.

I'm a student.

A career student.

And next month,

I'll be out
in the real world.

I quit my job today.
Well, it wasn't much
of a job.

And right now, I'm
trying to figure out
what to do with my life.

Probably, um...

Figured out that I'm...

...not really
a millionaire industrialist.

I had a feeling.

I'm just a regular
ol' underachiever.

I used to, uh,
test smoke alarms.

Then I got laid off,

and then I got this weird job
at this big conglomerate,

and I'm still really
not even sure what I do.

I was just thinking

that maybe we could
try it as ourselves

and see how it goes.

Well, Nancy,

we are different people.

I mean, you,
you're a...

you're more, uh,

refined, you know, than I am.

I mean, I like to watch
basketball games,
and I like to belch a lot.

I could try it.

It wouldn't work.

Why not?

Well, because...

Ah...

Because I'm seeing
another girl now.

This is, uh... This is her.

She's at least beautiful.

Yeah. Yeah.
She sure is.

Well.

I feel a little foolish.

Don't. Please, don't.

Maybe I better go.

I had fun with you, Tim.

I had fun too.

Play some basketball, mister?

Mom, you're the greatest.

But I'm 29 years old,
and it's time I started
doing these things

myself.

Are you sure you know how?

Get out of here.

I'm happy to see that
you're growing up, Timothy.

Well, I guess everybody has to.

How are things going
with that girl
you've been seeing?

Terrible.

I've really screwed it up

by lying my face off.

Lying? Why did you do that?

What do you mean,
why do I do that?
Everybody does it.

Everybody?

Everybody who gets anywhere.

But I'm telling you, Mom,
I'm through.

From now on,
I'm gonna be myself.

If the world
doesn't like it, tough.

Let me show you something.

Remember that?

Yeah.

It was you and Dad
on your 20th anniversary.

Believe it or not,
that's the first time

I ever got him out
on the dance floor.

He didn't even dance
at our wedding.

Thought it was foolish.

Hmm.

So what changed his mind?

Time, I think, and...

learning more about life.

I think after 20 years,
he decided to take a shot
just to please me.

And you know what?

He had a great time.

Yeah, I remember that.

Yeah. He knocked over
the punch bowl and nearly
drowned the whole band.

They even
sounded better after that.

It is a small thing,
the dancing,

but it was important to me.

That's why our last few years
together was so good.

He would do little things

to please me.

Like bring me flowers
at 2:00 in the morning.

-Dad did that?
-Mm.

Oh, we still had
our differences,

but we learnt
to respect them,

and appreciate them.

I don't know, Mom.
There's a lot of lunatics
out there.

I mean, how do you know

when it's right?

I mean, when do you know
it's the right person?

You'll know.

Just listen
to the man upstairs.

Who? Mr. Andras?

Not Mr. Andras.

Higher up.

Oh.

He'll let you know.

Maybe not with fireworks
and violins,

but small signs.

Little signs.

Why don't you give
that girl you lied to
a call?

Knock over
a punch bowl or two?

Busy?

I was sleeping.

Sleeping?

It's two o'clock
in the morning.
You should be out dancing.

You're crazy.

Absolutely crazy.

I found these flowers
and I had to give 'em
to somebody.

I'm, uh...

...sorry I hurt you.

That's really sweet.

I must look a mess.

No. No, actually, you...

You look lovely.

You look sleepy,

but...
you look lovely.

Thank you.

What about your, uh...

pantyhose friend?

That was my last lie,
I promise.

I see.

I, um...

I, um...

thought I hated you.

But I was wrong.

I...

love you.

Wait a minute.

Let's not go so fast.

Let's take some time
with this.

Okay.

I'm willing.

Me too.

Uh-oh.

I'm happy, you bozo.

Are you sure?

Yes.

You think you can trust me?

I don't know.

Let's just say
I'm living on the edge.

Let me have a minute
to pull myself together.

Okay. But hurry.

Help yourself to anything
in the refrigerator.

Okay.

In fact, I'll have
what you're having.

Sounds wonderful.

One, two, three, four.

One, two, three...

Does this mean
I have to eat
soy bean surprises?

Only if you really want to.

Here's to wanting to.

Ah.